Fallen Angels

By Kristi

Lost

2 years later:

@--Angel--@

She’s gone. Somehow I think I knew that when I got the call from Willow 2 years ago. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop looking for her, ever. At first Giles helped me look for her. He flew all over the country after every report of a blond fending off anything resembling a vampire or a demon. He thinks she’s dead. I know that.

I know she’s not dead. I’d like to think that my soul, at least as long as it is in this dimension, would know when its mate had left this plane. Maybe I’m being foolish. Maybe Giles is right and she is dead. If that’s the truth then I don’t accept it. I remember telling her that once before. It was shortly after I’d come back from Hell. We were still naïve enough to think we could be friends. Only she wised up long before I did. She knew we couldn’t ever be friends, not when we were so much more. She had told me she wasn’t going to see me again. I had said I didn’t accept that, there had to be a way I could see still her. Her response had been, tell me you don’t love me. I tried, but the words wouldn’t come. My soul wouldn’t allow me to betray it that way.

Besides, she haunts my dreams in the most real way. I spend a lot of time sleeping. Sometimes I think I would never wake up if it meant I could stay with her. If she were dead, she wouldn’t haunt my dreams. It’s not a logical way of thinking, I know, but it helps me deal with her being gone.

Cordy, Gunn and Wes handle most of the demon stuff. During the day I look for her on the computer. During the night I roam the city. I drive to all the nearby towns. I think I’ve visited every small town on the southern California coast. I used to think Cordy would have a vision about her. I know now the powers don’t really care. She obviously is not their lapdog anymore, so they don’t see any reason to keep her safe. Wes warns me that if I don’t work for the Powers, if I don’t work for my redemption, there’s a chance I’ll never get my shanshu. Doesn’t he understand. She was the reason I wanted to be human. Without her, being human doesn’t mean anything.

Cordy and Wes talk about me. I hear them even when they think I don’t, most of the time I ignore them. It’s easier then fighting with them about something they don’t understand. They could never understand. I leave without saying anything to them. They already know where I’m going, the rest is just details.

@--Buffy--@

The nights and days run together. I sleep most of the day. The light hurts my eyes. I’ve become as nocturnal as the creatures I once hunted. The music is loud. I can’t hear anything over it and that’s the way I’d much rather have things these days. I swirl my drink and then down it. I can feel the pain creeping back in. It starts a little at a time, trying to sneak up on me. My skin starts jumping, it’s warning me. I look around franticly. I’ve got to stop it.

I stumble over to the table, aware I’m not as graceful as I once was. Things like strength and grace don’t matter here. They ceased to matter when Buffy died and Jane was born. I don’t know why I picked Jane, except that it is a common name. I didn’t want to be special. I didn’t want people to say, “Oh what a unique name. Is that short for something?” I didn’t want people to remember my name after they’d heard it.

I bumped the man sitting at the table. “Mike, I need some.”

He glares at me. “I gave you some earlier.”

“So, it’s beginning to wear off. I need some more.”

“If you OD I don’t know who the hell you are.”

Like you ever did, I think. I lean in close to him and nuzzle his neck. He smells like stale sweat, cigarettes and cheap cologne. My stomach lurches. I remember the clean, beautiful smell of soap and cinnamon mints. I reach into his pocket and take the syringe in there. I tuck it in my hand and weave my way to the bathroom.

I started shooting up between my toes, so no one would know. Now I don’t care. It’s easier to find the vein in my elbow. I sit on the toilet and wait to feel it. I wait for the pain to run and hide back in the darkest recess of the heart and soul I have attempted to kill so many times. When it does I get up and walk out of the bathroom. I avoid looking in the mirror. I avoid looking in all the mirrors. Even when I put on the makeup that’s too much I don’t really see myself.

It’s easier now that the pain is in hiding. I never say gone, because it’s always there under the haze of the drugs and the alcohol the pain hovers, waiting to strike. If I let it, it will kill me. Anyway, it’s easier now to dance and laugh and have a good time. The DJ is playing something new and really awful, but it doesn’t matter. It’s something to dance to and so I dance, hoping this high will last until dawn and it’s time sleep again.

*

Sleeping is the worst part of my life now. It’s the part I can’t keep drowned in a haze of drugs. He’s always waiting for me in my dreams. I wonder if I wait for him in his. We used to share each others dreams, literally. Maybe he’s sharing my dreams now. It’s nice in my dreams, but I know I have to wake up and discover they were just dreams. My Angel didn’t come back and I am all alone. And the pain assaults me, makes even this shadow of a life I have to hard to bear. Sleeping hurts but then I can’t help but look forward to it a little. I know he’ll be there, waiting.

I used to call Giles, just to hear his voice. I never said anything. I knew he’d want me to come back and I knew he wouldn’t understand why I couldn’t. I still think about calling him sometimes, but most of the time I try to stay in such a haze that I don’t’ care. Sometimes, I don’t even remember who Willow and Xander are. And the memories the monks planted of Dawn couldn’t survive months of heroin and cocaine. I can’t even recall Giles’ face anymore. Somehow, I still remember every detail about Angel. His face, his body, the way he moved so gracefully, predatory in his grace. The way he smelled and the way he looked when he gave me that special half smile. The way his arms were the only place I felt safe. I dig in my nightstand and find the cocaine Mike promised he’d leave there. I tap a little while powder out and sniff it up.

 

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