Falling Into You

By Spike Speigel

Falling Into You

Spike waited in the Summers living room, deeply inhaling a lungful of that horrible smoke that seemed to calm his nerves. He was contemplating all that had transpired to get to this moment in time. Amy perverting Willow's magic, making her thirst for even more power. Thirsting for Dawn. Luckily, that had been averted. However, word had it that Willow was now making a play for more. Apparently, Amy had "obtained" some sacred scrolls that opened up the hell portal without the aid of Dawn's blood. All they needed now was to open the gate to hell and siphon the power.

Maybe it was the magic that changed Willow. However, that was the last thing on his mind.

Buffy.

That name reverberating in his head.

Buffy.

The person that he'd changed his life for.

Buffy.

Possibly his soul.

But she had used him. Needed him to feel. Spike exhaled finally, realizing that he held the smoke in longer than he should had. After their run in with Sweet, they had kissed. Not a spell saying, "Hey look, we're married," or a robot with the likeness of Buffy programmed to obey his every whim. His Buffy. His angel reincarnated. Spike chuckled bitterly at this thought.

His angel. Seemed appropriate. After all, she had been pulled from Heaven by her friends. Her greedy friends. Her helpless friends. They couldn't deal with the fact that she was gone. He shook his head, taking another long drag at the cigarette nestled between his index and middle finger. Was he really mad at them for dragging Buffy from her peace? Or maybe he was hurt that they didn't include him. Stupid wankers. He would have stopped them if they had told him anyway. He couldn't risk having something other than his Slayer coming back. He couldn't risk losing her again. He couldn't risk.

And now what was he being asked to do? To stop Willow, he'd have to drink from her, feed from her, as the power was being siphoned from the gate. However, there was a chance that his body wouldn't be able to contain the energy if Willow couldn't control the amount of energy she was gathering. He knew one thing for certain; he didn't think he would be asked to feed on a human. On one of their friends. On a person they cared for more than they did him. And what would he get in return? The world's salvation. He'd do it, only because he loved her, even though she couldn't return the sentiment. As long as she's alive, my death will be worth it, he reasoned to himself.

A light illuminated the dark living room. Spike turned around from the couch, hoping it wasn't her. He didn't want to see her. Not after their awkward separation.

Stay away from me Slayer. I'm sorry you feel like you're in hell, but I'm not your consolation prize. I may not be living, but I know what I feel. If you can't accept the fact that I love you unconditionally, we have nothing else to talk about, luv.

Those were his last words to her that cold March night in the cemetery. He had turned and walked away from her, waiting for a plea, a statement, something from her. But she remained silent as he walked away from her. And that silence hurt him more than her fists ever did.

It was Dawn, a backpack slung over her shoulder, a weary look in her eye. Guess she's heard the news too. Spike put out the remnants of his cig on the heel of his boot and left the butt sitting on the coffee table. He'd pick it up later.

"What are you doing here, Spike? Why weren't you at the Magic Box?" He didn't have to be. He knew what was going on. He was there earlier when Tara told him what needed to be done. Tara. Willow's soulmate. This must hurt her the most. Well, it had to seeing as how Buffy didn't even flinch when she heard what had to be done. She just stared at him, no emotions behind those once warm brown eyes. How he missed his Slayer quipping at him, harassing him, just like old times. But times change. People change. People change. Even vampires.

"Didn't have to be li'l bit. I got the lowdown earlier from the witch and your sis. I was waiting here for you."

"Me?" She looked confused. After hearing what had to be done, Dawn was almost certain Spike was there to see Buffy. No matter what, Buffy was always on Spike's mind. But he was here to see her. Things must be bad.

"That's right, Dawn. Sit down and let me give you your last lesson on life, as according to Spike." He saw her flinch as the words came out of his mouth. Last lesson. Why not just say I'm gonna die, it's been fun. Here's what you need to know. Her eyes started to swell with tears.

"You don't think you're coming back, do you?" She was sniffling, forcing the words out of her throat. "You told Buffy and Tara that you could do it."

"I lied." That was blunt. Why couldn't he lose this bad boy persona for once and act as he truly felt. There was a hopeless romantic in him. There was a passionate...what? Soul? That couldn't be it. He was a bloody vampire. He couldn't feel. Then why was he here? Why? He moved from the couch and knelt in front of his little niblet. He tilted her chin so they were looking eye to eye. "I just wanna do good by you and your sister is all."

"Then why are you doing this?" Her sniffles had become sobs. "Why are you leaving me? Leaving Buffy? Why?!?" Her fists began to pound upon his chest. Spike held her shoulders, allowing his Dawnie to vent her grief, her frustration. Once the storm subsided, Spike looked at her once again, noting the sound in the kitchen but paying it no mind.

"Niblet, if I don't do this, Willow's gonna do something that she can never come back from. Trust me, I know." His voice began to waver, but he maintained his composure. And to think, a few years ago, he would have most likely never been in this situation. Instead, he would most likely be with Dru, doing whatever made her happy. But he was here now. And he was going to make the most of his remaining time here. "I've done things I can't take back, Dawnie. I've hurt, I've killed, Dawn. I've.."

"But you're good now. I don't care what you did before. Just don't leave me." Her pleas became louder as more tears came. He smiled sadly at this.

"If only I'd met you earlier, li'l bit. Maybe you coulda showed me the errors of me ways." She faintly smiled at this, but sadness was definitely evident in her eyes. "But if I don't do this, I'd be failing you and your sister again."

"Why don't you love her anymore?" Spike felt naked at this question. Where did this come from? "Is this why you're throwing your life away? Is this why you're leaving us alone?" Spike wanted to hug her, his honest, kindhearted Dawnie. Buffy may have been the Summers that brought out the best in him, but Dawn was the one that always cared for him. Well, at least showed him that she cared. He couldn't blame Buffy, after all. She had her own demons to battle without putting up with him.

"I do love her, Dawnie. More than she'll ever know. But you already know that, don't you. I love you too, li'l bit. That's why I'm here. To say me goodbyes in case things don't work out the way we think they should." Spike moved his hand to his coat pocket, fishing out what he wanted to leave to his Dawn. "I want you to keep this for safekeeping until I get back, okay?" He placed his hand palm down over Dawn's, gently dropping the object into hers.

"A pocket mirror?" Dawn was puzzled. Spike smirked his bad boy smile.

"I'm gonna tell you a secret. Something I've never told anyone else." He instinctively took a deep breath that he didn't need. First telling Buffy that he loved her. Now revealing a personal part of himself to Dawn. The Summers' women certainly had a hold on him, didn't they? "I used to look at this everyday the first time I was turned into...well, you know."

"Why?" Apparently, the confusion had stilled her tears for the time being.

"At first, I didn't believe that I was dead. I didn't want to believe." He gently lifted Dawn's hand to her face, mirror facing her. "So, I'd look every day, hoping against hope that I'd be able to see myself. After about twenty or so years, I stopped looking." Dawn seemed to realize what Spike was trying to tell her, even if he couldn't come right out and say it. Another sound from the kitchen. What was that. Sobbing? Probably the flux of emotions playing tricks on him. "Anyway, I kept it. Even though I pretty much gave up and gave into being a mean ol' vamp, I always had that little glimmer of hope that I'd be able to see me reflection in it. One day." His hand gently caressed her cheek. Even with the chip in his head, he was sure, in this one moment in time, what he had said had come from him. "So, I need you to keep this safe for me until I come back. Can you do that for me?" Dawn nodded slowly, a half smile playing across her sad face.

"Have you looked recently?"

"What do you mean?" Dawn motioned to the sliver reflective glass in her hand. "Oh. No, I haven't, li'l bit. I've accepted what I am now. But it's kinda a good luck charm, I guess that's why I keep it." A smile now emerged on Dawn's face. What exactly was she thinking?

"Well, we'll check when you come back then. Once you stop the big baddie, even though it's Willow. We'll check, you and me. I'm sure you'll be in there after all this." She was so honest, it made Spike hurt. Even though his heart no longer functioned, it felt as if it was tearing itself apart in his chest.

"It's a promise, niblet." Dawn hugged him, her arms most likely squeezing the life out of him if it wasn't already gone. "Now, you should go to bed before the big bad Buff catches you up this late." A smile, a giggle, and she was up the stairs. Her hands clutching at his pocket mirror as if it was the most fragile thing in the world. Then he heard it again, only this time louder. It was crying. But Dawnie was upstairs and not crying. He turned around, now noticing that the kitchen light was on. He moved slowly into the kitchen, noting that there was indeed someone else in the house. "Buffy?"

She was crying from the look of things. Had been crying for a while based on the look in her eyes as she looked up at him from the kitchen table. "Spike?"

It hurt him seeing her like this. Knowing that she was in pain. He'd do anything to help her, even initially comfort her physically. But he knew that she would never love him. Not like she did Angel. That stupid poof. What did he have that he didn't. A bloody soul? He didn't need a soul to be good, to love the woman in front of him. She was his soul. "Luv, what's wrong?" He moved to the chair next to her, pulling it closer to her side and sitting beside her. And then, the unexpected happened. Buffy's hand grabbed his and closed tightly, squeezing it for all dear life.

"Don't leave me." At first he thought that she wanted him for comfort as she did earlier in the year. To make her feel once again. However, looking into her eyes, he could tell things were different. There was nothing but sadness and grief behind those eyes. She was feeling without him. Because of him?

"What, Slayer?"

"Don't leave me. Not now. Not after all we've been through."

"And what exactly was that, luv? Sex?" He didn't want to hurt her, but he didn't want his angel to want him. He wanted her to love him. It seemed that his little observation knocked her out of her depression. She seemed angry now. That was never good.

"Like what you and that bitch were doing behind my back?" Addressing of course his old flame after things self destructed between he and Buffy. But it didn't last. He would love his Buffy now and always, even though she kept on hurting him.

"I don't need this, Slayer. I came here to talk to Dawn and I did that. See ya around, luv." Spike pulled himself from Buffy's grasp and began to move toward the kitchen door.

"I heard what you told Dawnie." Spike wondered if she had heard the whole conversation. Was that why she was like this now?

"Eavesdropping now? Isn't that beneath you, Slayer?" He loved her so much but he couldn't explain why he kept on hurting her. Life would be so much simpler if he'd never met his angel. But he wouldn't be on the road to redemption if he hadn't.

"Spike, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lash out at you." Regret? Now that was odd for Spike. "You've always been here for Dawnie and me. It'd kill her if you don't come back."

"Well, someone's gotta save the world, right? And, to tell you the truth, I'm sick and tired of you always hogging the spotlight. Cor, woman, you've died not once, but twice." A quirky Buffy giggle was the result. It made Spike feel good making her laugh.

"Well, so have you."

"Yeah, but I didn't save the world, now did I. I ended up hurting it a bit." Buffy got up from the table and walked over to Spike, standing in front of him, not even six inches away, looking into his deep blue eyes.

"You've protected Dawn, even when you didn't have to." Her hand had once again found its way around his, dangling between the two of them. "And you've saved me."

"What?" Spike didn't know what she meant. She pulled their tangled hands to her chest, holding it over her heart.

"I thought I was in hell when I came back. When Willow..." She began to lose focus and Spike was sure that she would fall back into her depression. However, Buffy composed herself and began to speak again. "You were the only one I could tell. Because I thought you'd know how to make it all better. You always protected Dawn, and I guess I wanted you to protect me as well. To make everything better." Spike's free hand moved slowly to her chin, gently lifting it so he could see into his Buffy's eyes. She was being so sincere. This was something he was not used to. Usually there would be a good arse kicking, then the lesson. But this was completely new to him. She was letting him in.

"Buffy, you don't have to thank me. I'll always be here for you, even if you don't want me." No laughter this time. Her gaze never wavered. She just moved closer to him, her head resting on his chest, their hands pressed between them.

"Don't do it. We'll find another way to stop Willow and Amy." No tears this time, just sadness and.. what? What else was there? Spike instinctively wrapped his free arm around his Buffy, his lips in her hair.

"There's no other choice, luv. It's me or you. And it's not gonna be you." He squeezed her tighter, his voice now a whisper. "I lost you once. I'm not losing you again." Spike felt Buffy pressing harder against his chest, trying to get closer to him even though it was physically impossible.

"I don't want to die again, Spike. I really don't. But if it means losing you..." She began to trail off.

"What are you trying to say, luv?" Spike continued whispering into her hair, just enjoying the feeling of being here with her, not contemplating tomorrow.

"I..I..I.." Spike gently began to rub his hand along her back, soothingly. He knew what she wanted to say and that was good enough for him.

"Doesn't matter, Buffy. I have to do this." He felt his shirt becoming moist. She was crying again. She was crying because of him. "But, Tara said there's a chance that I can survive the process."

"A small chance," Buffy sniffled into his chest.

"Well, that's more than I'll ever need. After all, I promised Dawnie I'd come back. Don't want to become a liar to my li'l bit." Buffy slowly pulled away from Spike, her presence leaving his embrace made him feel empty inside. Before he could speak again, her lips were on his. Her hand gently caressing his cheek. Spike instinctively kissed back, missing this feeling so desperately. However, this kiss was different. It wasn't wanting. It wasn't desperation. She moaned gently into his mouth, Spike's hand gently moving through her hair. Her lips so soft, so gentle against his. He was falling into her. He was losing himself in her. He loved her. And from this kiss, he finally knew how she felt. She loved him.

Their lips parted, partly because Buffy needed to breathe, and partly because she wanted to look at the man that had changed her life for the better after her terrible ordeal. The man that hadn't given up on her even though she continually pushed him away. And why? Because she wouldn't let herself love him? Love a monster? But that wasn't true. He didn't have a soul, but he didn't need one. He loved her even though he didn't have one. He loved her because she made him a better person. He loved her. And that was enough for her as she looked into her man's eyes, those deep blue pools.

"Buffy.." Her fingers rested on his lips, stopping his speech.

"Promise me one thing?" She looked at him, her head tilting closer to his, their noses basically touching.

"Anything for you, luv. You know that."

"Come back to me after you stop Willow. Promise me you'll come back." He couldn't lie to her. Not now. Hadn't for a long while now. And he honestly believed himself now.

"I will. For Dawnie and for you." This time it was Spike initiating the kiss. Half expecting Buffy to pull away, he was surprised to feel her arms moving around the base of his neck. She pulled him closer, their mouths moving without abandon. This was not the desperate kiss they had shared at the Bronze. However, it was the most passionate thing he had ever felt in his life. He felt alive, even though he knew he wasn't. He felt alive because Buffy was living for the both of them. His Buffy. His angel.

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