The Nature of Perpetuity
Angel grimaced slightly at the body parts littering the demon lounge, distinctly smelling the sweet tang of human blood mingled with the Sahjvan's more bitter odor and wondered just how far Lorne had gone with his final task. Not that he hadn't seen carnage worse that this, much worse, within the last half hour, but it would be awfully hard to offer his apology to pieces. The confusing mix of relief, guilt, and hurt that washed over Angel when he came across what he was looking for, slumped lifelessly against the far wall, was dizzying. Two bullets. The vampire's swimming thoughts clung to that fact, repeating it silently over and over, as if it held the solution to what he was feeling. He didn't look like he was finally at peace or innocent or afraid. Just Lindsey McDonald: Dead.Wesley was gone, as was Gunn, who had fallen silently within Illyria's predicted time period. Angel's grief for them was a dull, throbbing ache in his mind, the sort of steady pain that stole sleep and drained the color out of life. Lindsey's death though, Angel mused, had been a much more direct cause of his decisions. Even in his numb state, Angel could tell that when the shock of today's events wore off, this would be a stinging, burning, guilt-ridden grief; the kind that woke you up at night screaming. Two bullets. Angel sighed and scrubbed a hand exhaustedly through his rain-drenched hair, and then tentatively reached over to brush the strands of hair away from Lindsey's face. His eyes were still open, staring blankly at nothing, as if he might blink at any second, and shoot Angel his trademark wicked grin. "Gotcha, champ! Scared, weren't ya?"
Lindsey didn't blink. Angel closed the dead man's eyes with his fingers, gently, and sighed again, trying to collect his thoughts.
"Okay, look. Lindsey. I had reasons for this. I did. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry. It was bad that it had to be this way. You probably hated me. More so than usual." Angel murmured, more to himself than the corpse he knelt in front of. A harsh laugh from behind him made the vampire start, whirling around to face the very last person he expected to see.
"You're damn right I did, you fucking bastard." Lindsey remarked casually, sauntering over to where Angel knelt gaping at him. Glancing around the vampire, the lawyer seemed to take notice of his own body against the wall for the first time, giving a low
whistle and wrinkling his nose in a grimace. "Christ, I look like hell!" he laughed quietly."I.I've seen worse." Angel stammered, still staring up the man whose lifeless body was lying behind him. He turned suddenly to the body, as if he expected it to have
disappeared. "But, you're.?""As a doornail." Lindsey agreed. He shrugged, toying with the blood soaked holes in his shirt absently. "Perpetuity clause. You know the deal. I'm done when they say I'm done."
"And you're not done?" Angel murmured, regaining enough presence of mind to stand up, albeit unsteadily. Seeing Lilah like this had been one thing, but this was entirely different, having been the direct cause of Lindsey's death. Lindsey shook his head at his question, rolling his eyes cockily.
"Nah, I'm definitely done. But.we won, didn't we?" he asked suddenly, the harsh set of his mouth softening into a hopeful smile, something almost shy. It made Angel pause.
"Yeah. For now we did." he answered. The vampire took a tentative step closer, the rational part of his mind refusing outright to accept this conversation as real.
"I thought so. The Senior Partners are, in no uncertain terms, freaking right out." Lindsey chuckled. "Bit too flustered by the Circle being wiped out to deal with old `Evil-Hand' just yet." His smile grew bitter, and Angel could smell the fear on him, distinct as cigarette smoke. "They'll figure out I'm loitering around down here soon enough. And, I mean, Hell.it can't be that bad, right? Just.really, really hot.and." Lindsey trailed off, turning suddenly to wander a few steps away, before stooping to examine something amidst the carnage. To his horror, Angel felt a stubborn lump in his throat, making it hard for him to speak. He cleared his throat twice, then followed Lindsey to where he was crouched.
"Lindsey, I'm sorry. I had reasons for what I had to do." he began quietly. Lindsey stood up suddenly, lifting Lorne's discarded pistol as he turned, and leveling it at Angel's chest with a vicious smirk. Angel froze, holding up his hands as if to calm an attacking dog.
"That won't kill me." Lindsey rolled his eyes, before imitating the sound of two gunshots and miming at pulling the trigger. He lowered the weapon and tossed it to the startled vampire.
"No shit, Sherlock. But it would be real damn satisfying right about now. Which brings me back to my original argument. You had me killed?!" Lindsey exclaimed, pronouncing each word with a sort of disgusted amazement. "I was fucking fighting for you for once, you absolute prick! On your side, the White Hats, `go team, go!' and all that crap… and you had me killed?!" Angel tried to say something, anything, but Lindsey marched over to him, glaring daggers at him just like the old days, so close that Angel could smell the blood on his chest. "Can't say it wasn't fucking ingenious, cause you knew Lorne was the only one of your punks I ever trusted further then I could throw `em." Lindsey paused, poking Angel hard in the chest with a finger. "Without tattoo's. But I digress. Not only was it a goddamn brilliant plan, but you couldn't even be bothered to take me out with your own two hands? It would've taken, what? Three extra minutes from the Great Big Plan? Two? The fraction of a second it would've taken to snap my rather unsuspecting neck?" Lindsey snarled, throwing his hands up in exasperation and storming away to pace, stepping over and around the mutilated bodies of his foes. Angel watched him in silence, dropping Lorne's pistol to the ground again with a muted clatter of metal on tile.
"Feel better?" he asked tonelessly. Lindsey sneered at him, and made a show of examining his blood stained shirt.
"Hmmm.let's see: still dead. Not really." Lindsey snapped, trying and failing not to pout. He raked his hands back through his hair, then folded them petulantly across his chest as he gazed at Angel, as if he was trying to read his mind. "Just tell me why?" he asked, his voice taking on a pleading edge that Angel hadn't heard since Lindsey came to him so long ago, trying to save some children, and maybe his own soul. ("I get myself killed... that'll convince you I've changed?") Angel swallowed hard, once again overwhelmed by how much this hurt.
"I needed you in this fight. We couldn't have done it without you. But I couldn't let you waltz in if I died and take over Wolfram & Hart. I needed to know you were out of the picture before the final fight. It was necessary." Angel muttered, unable to meet
Lindsey's questioning eyes. Even to his own ears, he sounded phony and rehearsed. "Lindsey. I'm so sorry. I had to." he whispered, wanting to say something more, but unable to find any words that could explain his actions. Lindsey nodded and sighed quietly, his hands dropping limply to his sides, seemingly utterly defeated."I know, champ. I'm over it. Actually, I was kind of surprised you let me live as long as you did." Lindsey admitted, with a wry smile that vanished almost as soon as it appeared. It was his turn to study the floor, looking anywhere but at Angel. "I'm not really that upset at you. I'm just.terrified. I'm going to Hell! And the big guys upstairs ain't gonna make this easy on me. I haven't exactly been their loyal minion lately. I'm just really, really." Lindsey paused, looking up at Angel suddenly, and the change in his face startled the vampire. The cool, calculating expression was gone, and there was something utterly vulnerable and earnest in its place. "I'm scared, Angel." Angel stepped toward the man hesitantly, hovering uncertainly a foot away, entirely unsure of what he could offer to a damned soul.
"What do you want me to do?" Angel wondered quietly. Lindsey tilted his head slightly as he considered that for a moment. A smile that might have been playful in any other circumstance grew slowly.
"You could touch me like you were touching him." Lindsey suggested offhandedly, nodding to his identical, albeit lifeless, form against the bricks. Angel blinked once, then nodded, drawing close enough to brush the errant locks of Lindsay's hair back. The man seemed a bit startled like he hadn't quite believed Angel would take him up on his words, but his blue eyes half-closed and he leaned into the touch ever so slightly when the vampire's hand lingered to stroke his cheek. "Angel."
"Hmm?" Angel sighed, spellbound in this moment of comfort amidst the hurt and madness of the outside world. Lindsey's eyes locked with his, even as Angel's fingers curled around the back of his neck gently.
"Would you kiss me?" Lindsey murmured, hardly audible, even in the silent room. He immediately ducked his head, laughing helplessly. "Sorry. I can't believe I said that! I just, I've always wanted." Lindsey pulled away from Angel's tentative grasp, a light blush staining his cheeks. "Wow. Humiliation after death. Go figure."
"Lindsey." Angel interrupted, the old hint of command finding itself in his voice. "Shut up. Come here." Lindsey blinked in surprise, then shrugged and returned to his place, still managing his trademark hint of swagger, despite the color in his face. Angel grinned despite himself.
"For someone so smart, you can be pretty stupid sometimes, Linds." he murmured, taking the man by the shoulders and bending to meet his lips firmly, cool skin against cool skin. Lindsey froze for a moment, fighting disbelief at this turn of events, and then snaked his arms around Angel's waist, standing almost on tiptoe to kiss him back, hard and passionate. The doomed intimacy that both men understood so clearly colored the moment, making the kiss something hot and desperate. Lindsey opened his lips to the vampire, allowing him the lead, allowing him anything he damn well pleased, wishing this could go on for just a bit longer. Angel took the invitation, eagerly slipping his tongue into Lindsey's mouth to duel with his own. The vampire's arms tightened possessively around him, pulling him closer, and Lindsey pressed against him desperately, trying to meld their bodies together, needing this one touch without violence between them. All those times that Angel had threatened him, strangled him, made him bleed.it was the touch he had held on to. And now this, it was beyond compare. Lindsey moaned softly into Angel's mouth as the vampire twined his fingers in his hair, his own fingers biting into rain drenched black leather, unwilling to let go. After a long moment they parted, pulling back only a little, still tangled in their fierce embrace, both taking unnecessary breaths in little gasps, out of habit.
"Why didn't we do this sooner?" Lindsey wondered, unable to keep the grin off his face, and hiding it by simply pressing his cheek against the vampire's chest, nuzzling into the crook where neck and shoulder met. Lindsey felt, rather than heard, Angel's answering chuckle.
"The hand. Darla. The whole `too-busy-killing-each-other' thing." Angel replied lightly, his hands gently stroking the man's back. Lindsey made some small noise of assent.
"Right. Knew there had to be some reason." he responded. A moment of comfortable silence descended as they simply held each other, clinging to the moment. "If you ever need somebody to haunt you." Lindsey whispered suddenly, laughing to hide the tremor in his voice. Angel could feel the man tremble under his hands and held him tighter, knowing there was nothing more he could do right now.
"I'll know just the ghost." Angel agreed solemnly. Lindsey's shivering grew slightly more pronounced and he pressed himself tight to the vampire.
"Can you feel it?" he wondered urgently. Angel shook his head, sensing nothing.
"Something wicked this way comes?"
"Feels like." Lindsey answered. He slipped his hand up to tangle in Angel's drying hair, pulling him down for a quick, heated kiss, a spark from the earlier fire. "Thank you. For being here." Angel just nodded, finding himself unable to speak, and kissed him again, a gentle, melting touch that left him wondering what might have happened between them if he hadn't given Lorne this one last duty. His thoughts were interrupted by the whoosh of a portal opening across the room from them, making Lindsey flinch. A high-heeled foot followed by an appropriately sinful amount of leg appeared through the swirling space.
"Oh, there's going to be no living with you now, is there McDonald?" Lilah laughed, taking in his location within Angel's vice grasp. "Don't tell me you finally got further with him than I did?" Lindsey breathed an invisible sigh of relief at the sight of his old nemesis/ally (having half-expected the devil himself) that only Angel could feel.
"Figured you'd get to drag me kicking and screaming, did ya?" Lindsey shot back. Lilah shrugged cheerfully, with a look that told him he might not be entirely wrong.
"Believe it or not, I'm not here to tell you to go into the light." she retorted, with a playful wink at Angel. "Come on, Linds. Time's a-wastin'. There's eternal torment to be had." Lindsey nodded decisively, untangling himself from the vampire before turning back to grab him firmly by the lapels and yank him down for one final kiss that still burned on Angel's lips when they parted.
"Okay." Lindsey sighed, when they reluctantly parted. "Let's do this." He went to Lilah who had been watching them curiously.
"That was probably hotter than it should have been." she admitted. Lindsey just chuckled as she beckoned him into the portal. With a final backwards glance and a cheery thumbs up at the vampire, Lindsey vanished into the gateway. "See ya `round, Angel." Lilah called, following him through. The portal vanished behind them, leaving Angel alone in a room full of corpses. One particular body caught his attention and made him start slightly, despite the fact that it had been there all along. Two bullets. One would have sufficed.
"Ah, here ya are, Peaches. We wondered where ya scampered off to." Spike greeted him, limping into the room with Illyria in tow, her indigo hair clinging to her face in dripping ribbons. He surveyed the damage, following the direction of Angel's gaze. "Well. Who'da thunk jolly Green had it in `im?"
"I knew he would." Angel murmured, half to himself. "Was this right?" Spike rolled his eyes, elbowing Illyria in her leather-clad ribs and drawing a death glare from the former goddess.
"We've been over this, boss. We've been three hours worth of over this before you even gave Lorne the word. Yes, it was necessary. Yes, you did the soddin' right thing. We won, didn't we? Can we please leave now?" Spike sighed, flicking the rainwater off his tattered duster. Angel nodded slowly, as if in a trance, and followed them to the door, away from the dead man who had kissed him before going to Hell.
"Hey Spike?"
"Whassat, Angel?"
"Were you serious when you said Willow could raise the dead?"
~Fin~