CloserBy Purplefeen
I've Got No Soul to SellHelp me - I broke apart my insides
Help me - I've got no soul to sell
Help me - The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
“If this don’t beat all,” he says, more to himself than anyone else.Buffy looks over at him and smiles. “Bet you never thought you’d find yourself here,” she teases.
“Can say that again.”
“Bet you never thought you’d find yourself here,” Xander teases.
“Watch it, Whelp,” Spike warns, but they both know its an empty threat.
Willow leans into his side, “Aren’t they all so beautiful, Spike? Felicia is so lucky. And Stewart too, of course,” she says, looking at the proud daddy.
Spike looks through the glass to the sea of babies, then looks at the smiles on everyone’s faces. He looks back, trying to see what they see.
A tiny hand reaches up and innocent blue eyes look at him like he’s another wonderful new thing in this wonderful new world it found.
“I guess they are kinda cute at that.”
*flashback*
“I love this part, look!” Xander told them, as the screen showed a sea of broken humans and aliens covered in blood.“Eww!” Buffy said, getting up. “Looks like a perfect time to go slay. See you guys when its-” she turns to the screen and another poor soldier gets blown in half, “- over.” She hurried out the door.
Willow briefly glanced at the screen, but its just as disgusting as she thought it would be, so she quickly turned back to Anya before she threw up.
“Go fish.”
“Oh, darn!” Anya said, clearly annoyed, “I was sure you had that seven!”
“’M gettin’ hungry,” Spike mumbled, rising and heading for Giles’ refrigerator. He took out a bag of blood and dumped it in a mug and sat it in the microwave, hitting the buttons that will bring it up to body temperature.
When he pulled out the mug, the smell of Spike’s snack wafted over into the living room and hit Xander’s olfactory senses as another body fell on the screen and the ground became covered in blood.
“Oh GOD!” Xander screamed, holding his hand over his mouth and running to the bathroom.
“What?” Spike asked.
Anya jumped up and ran to help her boyfriend, but when she saw and smelt what was happening in there, she quickly closed the door.
“Spike, how could you!” she whined.
“What?!” Spike asked again.
Willow smiled at his ignorance, then reached for her jacket. The blood, she’s used to, but the smells emanating from Giles bathroom are too much for her.
“I think I’ll join Buffy on patrol. Coming with, Spike?” she asked.
Still confused, he drained the mug and rinsed it in the sink. “Yeah, luv, sure thing.”
He figured its best to get out while the getting’s good.
Anya, who made a second attempt to go to her boyfriend’s side in his time of need, decided to go with them. On the way, they explained to Spike why Xander had gotten sick. He still didn’t get it, and determined that humans were damned funny creatures.
It wasn’t long before they caught up to the Slayer, who shushed them and pointed Spike in the direction of a copse of trees. He nodded and went. Willow and Anya pulled out stakes and stood where they were.
After twenty minutes, an inhuman scream and a loud crunch, the girls ran toward the trees, where Spike was covered in blood. He was under the beast, his hands on either side of its head, holding onto the horns he used for leverage while ripping its head off. He didn’t seem to be in any hurry to get up.
“That’s a Connoveya beast,” Anya told them.
“Uh huh,” Buffy said, then added, “Actually, its an ex-conveyor belt.”
“Con-no-vey-a beast,” Anya restated, enunciating each syllable. “Their livers are highly prized for their restorative qualities.”
“Yeah?” Spike asked. “How prized?”
“Thousand plus apiece, depending on size. That one’s little. Maybe five thousand.”
“That right?” Spike asked, looking down at the “little” demon. Looked awfully big while it was looking down on him.
“You’re a pig, Spike,” Buffy said before walking away.
“What?!” he yelled, calling after her. “Demon’s gotta earn a living, don’t he?”
“I can point you to a broker,” Anya told him. “For ten percent.”
“Willow?” he asked. If Buffy got upset, maybe she would too.
Willow looked down on the thing with distaste, but said, “A demon’s gotta earn a living somehow.”
Spike smiled and put his fist through the Connoveya’s chest. Wouldn’t do to damage the liver and he didn’t know this demon’s physiology.
“But I don’t have to watch,” she said, and hurried after Buffy.
It was almost dawn before he made it back to the crypt and Willow wasn’t there waiting for him.
I knew it! I knew she was gonna get upset about that liver thing!
He threw the money down on the floor behind his bed. He took off his boots and threw them down also. His shirt and jeans followed in the same manner.
What’d ya expect, ya moron!
She’s a human girl, you’re a demon!
Did ya think she was gonna love ya forever?
Live happily ever after?
Crypt sweet crypt?
Sooner or later it was bound to happen - had to happen really.
Humans were food, hadn’t Angelus literally pounded that into his skull? You think of them as anything but your next conquest and you won’t last any longer than they do.
But Red’s not just any human.
And some humans were special. You had to think of them as more than food if you wanted to keep them, turn them, make them childer. Angelus, the wanker, had obsessed over them, killed their families, drove them barmy. Even he admitted Dru was special.
So Willow could be special too. Even Angelus couldn’t fault him for thinking so. Not that he cared what Angelus thought!
Girl like that’s got no use for a has-been neutered vamp!
Better it ended now before you really got your heart broken.
What heart? You have no heart!
No heart, no soul, no anything that a human girl needs to make her happy.
The tears were threatening when he told himself, You should have stayed dead.
He tossed and turned and by sundown, he’d had no sleep at all. He didn’t want to get up, didn’t want to get dressed, didn’t want to exist.
But he didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that it was her that brought about his end. So he got up, got dressed, found his favourite double headed axe and headed out the door. An hour later, he’d found nothing with the strength or honour to befit the end of William the Bloody.
He headed back to his crypt to get some blood and another pack of cigarettes before heading over to All Souls. The first thing that caught his eye when he walked through the door was that god-damned, mother-fucking, soddin’ St. Andrew’s cross. He stalked across the room and raised the axe to it.
“Spike! Spike, what are you doing?”
His arm stops in mid-swing, but the momentum brought it down more heavily than he intended and it fell with a tremendous clatter to the floor.
“Red?”
“Hi,” she said, leaning in to kiss his cheek. He pulled away.
“Get out of here.” It wasn’t a declaration of undying love, that’s for sure.
“Spike?” she asked, clearly hurt.
“You heard me,” he yelled, then morphed into the demon’s face to drive the point home. “Go the fuck home, get out of here!”
Her tears were killing him but he couldn’t stop now, he knew what he was doing. Hadn’t he spent most of the day telling himself exactly what he had to do?
“I thought… I thought I was home,” she said sotto voce. Her knees gave out and she slumped to the floor but he didn’t stop.
“Home? This is a crypt, Red! Demons live here, not humans! Humans live in nice, safe white houses with nice, safe white picket fences and nice, safe, boring accountant husbands! Humans live on air and vegetables and carpools! Demons live on blood! Blood and death and violence! We don’t do nice, we don’t do safe, we don’t do nine to five! We kill! We kill to live and to eat and to get money! That’s no place for a human.”
Willow was so lost, she didn’t know what to do. She had heard what he said, heard every word.
Is that what he needs? Had she been denying him this? It’s my fault!
He was just so kind to her and so gentle and so loving that she forgot he was a vampire. Well, not forgot really, just kind of disregarded his needs as one.
She stood quickly and walked over to where she knows his duster lays when they’re… when he’s home. She pulled something out of the pocket and he was so stunned that she was still there that he didn’t realise what she was going to do until after she’d done it. She stopped in front of him and opened the switchblade. In one smooth stroke, she cut a line into her arm and held it out to him, offering him the thing she’s been so selfishly denying.
He roared – and screamed – and the demon face melted away as he pulled off his tee shirt, ripping it into strips. “Oh god, Red – NO! No, please don’t – that’s not-”
He broke off, he was so frantic to stop the bleeding, stop her from whatever insanity made her do this!
They were both crying as he lowered her to the ground, tried to stabilize the bleeding, tried to wrap his arms around her and protect her and ask her what in the world possessed her to do such an insane thing!
She clawed at the bandages, tried to pull them off, said, “No, Spike, please. You need this, you need me to give this to you. I’m so sorry, I didn’t think-”
“No, Red. Not- I never meant-”
And he realized that he’s what made her do this. Her blood was all over his floor because of him.
His body slumped, he’d almost lost her – almost threw her away – because of his insecurities.
He saw the blood drip down her arm and, calmer now, he went back to work.
“Shh, Luv. It’s all right, let me get you patched up. I’ll explain in a minute, pet, all right? Let me get you cleaned up first.”
“But, Spike, I want to,” she told him, still crying.
“I know you do,” he told her, remained as calm as he could, and he was surprised his voice was still there. “And you will, luv, but not now. Not like this.”
“Did I not do it right?” she asked and it was the voice of a six-year old child who’s afraid she’s displeased her beloved uncle.
“You did it just fine, luv,” he told her. The blood had finally stopped and he thanked deities he stopped believing in a long time ago for that.
He got her a bottle of soda out of the refrigerator and sat her on his bed.
“I thought you’d left me,” he told her quietly.
“What?” She couldn’t believe he’d just said that. “Why?!”
“Because you weren’t here this morning when I got back.”
“I had to study. I had a coding test this morning. I fell asleep- Oh, Spike, I’m so sorry. I was with Suki, at the dorm. I left you a note.”
“What?” he said, “There was no-“
She pointed to the refrigerator. And the note stuck to it with the daisy magnet with the smiley face that she had bought for him.
He shook his head, feeling like a fool. Again.
“I thought you left me because of last night.”
Her eyebrows furrowed and her face frowned. “Last night? What happened last night? Spike,” she said, suddenly alarmed, “Did something happen last night?”
He laughed then, he couldn’t help it. “Apparently not,” he told her.
This is so very not funny. “Spike you’d better explain what the heck you’re talking about or I’m gonna, I’m gonna – invite Xander over for Parcheesi!” It’s the worst thing she could think of.
He laughed again and told her, “I am a fool, luv.”She smiled at him then, “And you think I’d leave you for that? I already knew that, Spike.”
“No, I thought you’d left me because I’m a demon.”
She still smiled, “I knew that too.”
“Did you?” he asked.
“What do you mean?” she really wanted to know.
“I haven’t been acting very demonic lately.”
“You’re also a man, Spike,” she told him.
“And I’ve been acting like one. Almost completely. That night we talked – when you asked me who I was?”
She nodded, remembering.
“I didn’t know that night. I knew what I’d been taught to be, what I’d been conditioned to be. I was whatever Dru or Angelus or the Queen Bitch wanted me to be. When I was alive I was what my mother needed me to be. But I didn’t know who… what… who, I was without them.”
“And have you figured it out?”
“I think so. Some of it. But I was still being what I thought others – what I thought you wanted me to be, a man.”
“Oh, Spike, no.” She pulled him onto the bed next to her and straddled his lap. “You’re… a vampire. You’re a very unique vampire with the extraordinary ability to love. I know that, I’ve always known that. And I’m sorry if I made you think you had to suppress that other side of yourself. But do you remember what first brought me here?”
He looked over at the St. Andrew’s cross; the one that earlier tonight he’d thought would look better fitting nicely into a hot wings bucket.
“I like that little bit of danger, Spike. If I wasn’t attracted to the demon in you, do you think I would have come back?”
“So, you like a little danger, huh, Red?” he asked, bringing the demon out to play.
She nodded, “When its you, yeah, I do.”
“I’d never hurt you, ya know.”
“Maybe just a little? After all, there are all kinds of pain, Spike. Some can be more pleasureable than others.”
*end flashback*
“So, Red,” he asks as the group makes their way out of the hospital, “Ever get a nigglin' to have a rugrat of your very own?”“Nah,” she tells him, “I like them much better when you can cuddle them and play with them, and give them back when they start to smell funny.”
Everyone laughs – except Spike. He gives a mental sigh of relief. It’s the one thing he can’t give her no matter how human he acts sometimes.
“I completely agree, luv,” he says before kissing the top of her head.
“Who’s up for pizza?” Xander asks enthusiastically when they hit the parking lot.
“I’ll buy,” Spike offers, “But no garlic. Deal?”
“You’re on, Junior,” Xander says, giddy with the prospect of free pizza.
Help me - I broke apart my insides
Help me - I've got no soul to sell
Help me - The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
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