Useless Desires

By Enigmatic Blue

Chapter 21

“There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.” ~Melanie Griffith in Milk Money

It was an entirely domestic scene, and Spike had never pictured himself here. Nor had he believed that he would actually enjoy something like this. Even while pursuing Buffy, Spike had never pictured them together in any real sense of the word.

He had been too scared to hope for it at the time.

Besides, who wanted a tame vamp? Buffy certainly hadn’t. She’d wanted something dark, something wild. Something she could punish herself with, and Spike had been that. He’d given her what she wanted because he hadn’t realized what she had really needed.

Spike had settled down a bit with Tim, mainly out of necessity. The boy had needed someone who was relatively stable, he’d needed to eat at regular intervals, and to go to school, and just to have a routine in general. Even the relative freedom of the open road had been more structured than Spike typically wanted his life to be, as there had still been hotels to stay in and meals to purchase.

In reality, however, it had nothing to do with Tim and everything to do with the soul. When you no longer snatch every meal off the street, planning had to go into where those meals were coming from. Blood had to be purchased in advance, and you had to have a place to store it. While all of that was as much the chip’s doing as the soul’s, Spike had felt the bits of William he’d buried come rising to the surface again.

Although, to be fair, William wouldn’t have had the least idea what to do with the darkness and horror that Tim had come out of.

This thing with Tara, though—she seemed to want all of him. The tamed and the untamed, the vampire and the man, the monster with a soul. It seemed impossible, too good to be true, and Spike kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It hadn’t. Yet.

Dawn and Tim were in the living room, studying and reading, respectively. Tara was washing dishes while he dried them in companionable silence. It should have been a perfect evening, but the little niggling doubts that he’d managed to keep in the back of his mind were buzzing now.

“Tara-luv?”

She knew by his tone that something was off. He had that worried-vulnerable note in his voice, the one that heralded a return of the man that he’d been. It was what often reminded her that Spike was not just a vampire, that he was something more. It was what often cued her guilt, knowing how he’d been treated by the Scoobies, and she’d done nothing to stop it, to mitigate the estrangement he must have felt.

“Yes, Spike?” Tara finished rinsing the last plate and handed it to him, noting that he wouldn’t quite meet her eyes.

“Do you—” He glanced back towards the living room. “Do you mind if I have a smoke?”

She shook her head. “I’ll join you.”

They sat in the dark on the back steps, under the stars. Spring in California tended to be warm, and this night was no exception. A pleasant breeze caught Tara’s long hair, sending it fluttering around her face. “What’s up?” she finally asked, when it seemed obvious that Spike wouldn’t start the conversation.

He was silent for so long that she began to doubt that he’d ever open up to her. “Can I—can I ask a question?”

“Sure.”

The silence stretched out between them, uncomfortable in a way that Tara hadn’t thought it would be again. “Why me?” The question was almost plaintive. “I don’t get it, Glinda. Not that I’m complainin’, but I thought you fancied girls.”

Questions about sexuality were never easy to answer, at least not for her. It wasn’t that Tara was unsure of herself as a woman, it was just that she didn’t have the words for what she felt. How do you define love? How could you control with whom you fell in love? Spike, for all his cocky arrogance, was terribly insecure, and he deserved at least an attempt at an answer.

“Normally you would be right,” Tara began carefully. “I do prefer women, but that doesn’t mean…” She trailed off, trying to explain what defied reason. “It’s not so much about the package. It’s about what’s inside.”

She stole a look at him, watching his profile, the dim glow of the cigarette in the darkness. “Does it matter why?” Tara asked quietly. “I fell in love with you—who you are. It isn’t about you being a man or a woman, or a vampire. It’s about—you.” She sighed. “I’m not explaining this very well.”

“No,” Spike replied quietly. “You’re doin’ fine. It’s just that—I don’t understand. No one’s ever loved me back before, an’ I didn’t think you’d even be interested in me.”

Tara wondered at the bravery that lay behind those words—the persistence it had taken for Spike to continue hoping, to continue trying. To open himself to Tim, to Dawn, to her, knowing the rejection that he might face. It made him even more beautiful to her eyes. With a gentle touch, Tara drew his face to hers for a sweet kiss. “I love you,” Tara said firmly. “Nothing is going to change my mind. Not you being a vampire, not you being a man.”

It was everything Spike had ever wanted, and her assurance went a long way towards making him feel more secure. He still had wounds, still had doubts and insecurities that he thought might be bone-deep at this point. Perhaps it didn’t matter so much, however, not when Tara was as stable as they came.

Spike often wondered if he hadn’t used up all his strength on Buffy.

He scooted closer to Tara on the step, reaching out and entwining his fingers with hers. Though he was usually so good with words, Spike couldn’t quite find the language to adequately express his gratitude—or his love. Instead, he pressed his lips to the back of her hand and settled down into companionable silence.

Tara, who understood perfectly, simply laid her head on his shoulder.

~~~~~

“I miss Mom,” Dawn said suddenly. Spike had insisted on driving her home after dinner at Tara’s, and she had protested, saying that she needed to pick up some necessities at the store. Spike, in return, had insisted both on accompanying her and paying for them. As grateful as Dawn was, she almost wished that Tim had been the one to insist, but he had needed to get home since he was the one opening the Magic Box the next morning.

Dawn’s comment had come out of nowhere in the middle of the cereal aisle, and Spike looked over at her in surprise—not at the sentiment, but at the seeming incongruity. She caught his look and quickly explained. “It’s just—shopping for cereal was always this huge deal, you know? Mom never wanted us to get anything with too much sugar, and Buffy and I never liked the same kind, so we’d always argue. And then Mom would get mad at us and just give in and buy us whatever we could agree on.” She held a box of Lucky Charms up. “Buffy never let me get Lucky Charms. She didn’t like the little marshmallows.”

“Your sis was never a big fan of those, as I recall,” Spike replied softly. He hesitated for a moment. “How are you, Niblet?”

“I’m okay.” She smiled at him, although her eyes held a gravity that had not been there until recently. “I still don’t remember anything, so it’s hard to believe that it really happened. I’m glad—I’m glad you stopped him.”

Spike frowned. “Don’t think he’ll be tryin’ anythin’ like that again.”

“I’m glad you didn’t kill him,” Dawn said gently. “He’s not worth it. But I’m glad you stopped him.” She chuckled a little. “The best part is that it’s all over campus. Everybody’s talking about it, and no one wants to admit they’re friends with him. They’re all like, ‘Well, I hung with him a little, but I always knew he was a sleaze-bag.’”

“Sounds about like what people will do,” Spike acknowledged. “Hindsight’s always 20/20.”

Dawn sighed. “Do you ever wish you hadn’t left?”

It was a loaded question if he’d ever heard one. If Spike hadn’t left, things would have been different, but not necessarily for the better. He had the feeling that it could hardly have been for the better. As much as he might have wanted to lie, Spike found himself unable. “No,” he replied simply. “It was bad there at the end, Bit. I won’t tell you how bad, but it was—it was killin’ the both of us. If I hadn’t left, it would have been worse, an’ Tim…”

“Tim needed you.” There was simple acknowledgement in Dawn’s voice, and acceptance. “He was hurt really badly, wasn’t he, Spike?”

“Yeah, he was.” Spike glanced over at her, wondering where the girl was going with her line of questioning.

Dawn nodded, almost to herself. “That’s what I thought.” She met Spike’s eyes. “I really like him,” she confessed.

In her face, Spike caught a hint of the maturity he’d known was there, hiding under the layers of hurt and betrayal. Growing up wasn’t always about time; sometimes it was about trials by fire that tested your very mettle.

Dawn had been tested, and it looked like she would pull through, and that she might be wiser for it. Spike nodded. “Thought you might.”

“Do you think—” Dawn hesitated. Sometimes she wondered if a man would ever love her, knowing what had happened. There were moments when she felt used, dirty, and thought that everyone else must see her the same way. There were other moments when she hated every guy she saw with a passion, seeing him as a potential perpetrator.

The good days were the ones where she could find some happy medium.

Spike, who had heard the very same question come out of Tim’s mouth, slung an arm around Dawn’s shoulders. “One of these days you’ll meet your Prince Charming, luv,” he assured her. “He might not be quite what you thought you wanted, but he’ll be what you need, an’ that’s the most important thing in the end.”

“Is Tara what you need?” Dawn asked, in one of her flashes of intuition that came all too infrequently.

Spike looked surprised at the question, and then he smiled slightly. “Think she might be.”

~~~~~

Xander had been surprised to see Spike and Dawn entering the store together. He hadn’t talked with Dawnie in a while, but the last time he had, the girl had seemed less than enthusiastic about Spike’s return. He’d believed that Dawn was over her childish infatuation with the vampire, that she had finally come to see Spike for what he really was.

Apparently, he’d been wrong.

He sidled up closer, wary of being seen, but still wanting to know what they had to talk about. Xander still couldn’t figure out why anyone would want to talk to Spike, to be with Spike. Couldn’t anyone else see how dangerous he was?

Couldn’t they see that he was nothing more than a parasite?

He tightened his grip on the case of beer and the basket of groceries. He didn’t need much; most days he ate out anyway.

Xander was beginning to detest being inside his own skin. If he wasn’t working, he was reliving the glory days of high school, when he and Buffy and Willow had been a team. When things had been good.

In his mind, Xander had built up a past where even their fights held more joy than his average day. He conveniently forgot how bitterly the gang had split over Angel’s return, or how difficult Angelus had made things. In Xander’s mind, things had been so much better back then.

He’d at least had a purpose.

It now struck him as terribly unfair that even Dawn seemed happier now. She was supposed to be mourning Buffy too. The Slayer’s death wasn’t something you just got over. And Spike—the vampire had claimed to love her, but now he was moving on.

With Tara. It was a harsh betrayal. Xander wondered if Willow knew, and what she would do if she did. Or if Giles knew that Spike was back. The Watcher probably wouldn’t appreciate Spike being in the Magic Box all the time; he never had in the past.

Xander wondered for the thousandth time if he shouldn’t inform Giles or Willow of what was going on. Surely they would do something. Surely they would understand how badly Buffy’s memory was being violated.

Surely they would understand…

~~~~~

Dawn ran a hand through her hair, breathing a sigh of relief. This might have been the Spring Break that wasn’t, but she was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Her papers had been written, one major project was out of the way with another half-done, and she had managed to catch up on all her reading. It was Friday, so she still had another few days to finish things up.

It wasn’t all that long till summer break, anyway. While she was planning on working part time, at least classes would be over and there wouldn’t be any homework. That was a big plus, even if Dawn didn’t have all that many friends to be spending long, hot summer days with.

The knock at the door caught her by surprise, and she checked the peephole cautiously before opening it. “Tim, what’s up?”

“I’m kidnapping you,” he replied without preamble. “Get your swimming suit and whatever else you’re going to need.”

She blinked. “What?”

“I’m kidnapping you, and I’m not taking no for an answer,” he replied easily. When Dawn still didn’t appear to be budging, his tone turned wheedling. “Come on, Dawn. You’ve been cooped up in your apartment all week. You deserve a break before your brain dribbles out your ears.”

Dawn hesitated before asking, “What are we going to be doing?”

“It’s just a few of us,” he assured her. “We’re going to build a bonfire on the beach, swim, whatever. Luz is coming, so you’ll probably have to throw the frisbee for her a few hundred times. It’ll be fun.”

“Fun” sounded foreign after the last year Dawn had had. Even the parties she’d attended weren’t really fun—more like desperate attempts to escape a life that seemed far too horribly short. “I don’t know, Tim. They’re your friends, and—”

“They could be your friends too, if you gave them a chance,” he pointed out reasonably. “Look, Dawn, I know you needed some time away from everything, but you can’t hide out forever. Just try it. If you’re not having a good time, I’ll bring you right home. I promise.”

He was as good as his word, Dawn knew. If she hated it, Tim would bring her home without recrimination. She didn’t want to hate it, though. Tim was offering her access to his world, his friends. If Dawn wanted their relationship to be something beyond friendship, she would have to be willing to step out of her comfort zone, go where she normally didn’t.

Of course, her comfort zone had gotten her drugged and raped, so that wasn’t so comfy either.

“Okay,” she said, trying to sound bold and ready for anything. “That sounds like it could be fun.”

Tim just grinned at her. “Trust me, Dawn. It’s going to be great.”

The funny thing was, Dawn really did trust him.



Chapter 22

“Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix.” ~Christina Baldwin

Like any good southern California girl, Dawn had several different swimming suits to choose between. She chose the least revealing of these and threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Tim was still waiting patiently when she came out of her bedroom, a large tote thrown over her shoulder. “Do I need to bring anything to eat?” It wasn’t quite lunch yet, and Dawn wasn’t sure what he had planned.

He shook his head. “Nope. I’ve got it taken care of. The only thing you need to bring is yourself, princess.”

Tim was dressed for the beach in swim trunks and a t-shirt, the bright dragon on his leg completely visible for the first time. He caught her looking at it and raised an eyebrow. “You like?”

“Actually, I do,” she replied. “Why a dragon?”

Tim shrugged. “Chinese dragons protect and symbolize joy. I’ve got a tiger on my shoulder that’s supposed to symbolize courage and strength.”

“Do all of them mean something?” Dawn asked, her hand tracing a tentative trail up Tim’s arm, along the inked bark and leaves of the oak tree.

“Yeah.” His voice was suddenly hoarse. “It’s a way to—mark myself, I guess. It’s hard to explain.”

“I think I get it,” Dawn replied. “It makes sense.”

In her eyes, Tim could read the truth. She really did understand, and that was enough. “We should get going.”

“Okay,” Dawn said, but not before tucking her hand into his.

~~~~~

Dawn hadn’t been to the beach since before Buffy had died. There hadn’t seemed to be a reason to go, not when her heart had been aching so badly. Several of Tim’s friends were already there, and Luz loped ahead of them to greet all with a wet nose and a happy bark.

She hung back slightly as she watched Tim greet them with handshakes and a friendly hug or two. Dawn recognized a few of them from the party she’d been to, but she was a little concerned about what they might think of her. If anyone was having second thoughts about her being there, no one gave any sign.

Meredith was present with her boyfriend, Curtis, as was Ryan. “Hey, Dawn,” Meredith said, sounding reserved but not hostile. “I wasn’t sure you’d make it.”

Dawn smiled uncertainly. “Tim didn’t really give me a choice.”

Curtis laughed. “So you have to kidnap a girl to get a date, Tim?”

“Hey, whatever works,” Tim replied, unphased by the teasing. “Who brought the drinks?”

“I did,” Ryan replied. “Plenty of whatever. You want something?”

“Water?” Dawn asked.

“Same for me too,” Tim added. “I’m driving.” Luz, at Tim’s side, whined insistently, and Tim chuckled. “Looks like I’ve got a request.”

Dawn stuck by him as he started throwing the frisbee for the dog, who happily chased it each time he threw. Meredith and Curtis both stuck close, talking idly of different things that were going on in their lives. At one point, Meredith looked over at Tim. “I meant to thank you for getting that story for me,” she said. “You don’t know how much fun it’s been to splash that bastard’s name all over the front page.”

“That’s my cut-throat journalist,” Curtis murmured affectionately. “I should thank you too, man. Meredith has been a very happy camper lately.”

Meredith rolled her eyes at her boyfriend. “It’s a story like that that's going to get me a job when school’s done. So it’s definitely appreciated.”

“Always glad to help a friend,” Tim replied idly. He glanced over at Dawn, who appeared to be concentrating on Luz and her frisbee obsession. Once you started throwing the damn thing, the dog wouldn’t let you stop until she was completely worn out. Dawn was deceptively calm, but Tim could see the tension in her shoulders.

“You wouldn’t happen to know why Alan showed up at the hospital last week, claming that he was mugged, would you?” Meredith asked.

Tim shrugged. “No clue. A guy can’t be too careful these days, I guess.”

Meredith shook her head, obviously not completely believing him, but unwilling to call him on it. She had a couple cousins who would have done the same if she had been in Dawn’s situation. “I guess not.”

The other couple left a little while later to go wander along the beach, and Tim touched Dawn’s arm, waiting until she met his eyes. “You alright?”

“I’m fine,” she said tightly.

He frowned. “If you want to go home—”

Dawn shook her head. “No. This is fun. It’s just…” she trailed off, sighing.

“Let’s go swimming,” he said, a challenge in his voice.

She hesitated, then rose. “Let’s go.”

They fought the waves together, swimming out and bodysurfing back in until they were both tired and gasping for air. Neither was willing to give up until the others called out to inform them that they were starting to grill.

Dawn looked over at Tim, who stood on the edge of the surf, his dark hair wet, olive skin sleek and shining. He was beautiful. “You hungry?”

“Starving,” she replied, realizing that it was true. She hadn’t been this hungry in forever. For the last couple of weeks, her appetite had been minimal to say the least. Dawn picked up her towel and tossed Tim’s over to him, pausing to give Luz’s ears a quick scratch. In response, the dog gave a short, happy bark and then nudged her hand in hopes of more attention.

Tim laughed. “Luz really likes you.”

“Why did you name her Luz?” Dawn asked as they headed over for the food.

He shrugged. “You’re going to think it’s stupid.”

“I doubt it.”

“It means ‘light’ in Spanish,” he explained. “At the time, I needed a little light.”

They were back with the group a moment later, preventing Dawn from asking any other questions. After the swim, and the relaxing afternoon, she was a little more ready to mingle. The other people there were fairly warm, although Dawn was aware that a lot of that was due to the fact that she was with Tim. They were willing to give her the benefit of the doubt for his sake.

They weren’t the kind of people she would typically hang out with. It had been different in high school, when pretty much everyone had thought of her as a freak. She had made friends with pretty much anyone who would look past her reputation in those days. Some of them had been a little strange, but looking back they had been some of the best friends she’d ever had.

Maybe the biggest difference had been that they were all a little unusual, and so no one had pretended to be anything other than what they were. It wasn’t as if they were going to win any popularity contests even if they’d tried.

College had been a different story. For the first time, no one had known her as “the sister of that weird girl.” No one had viewed her as a freak, and Dawn had embraced the idea of appearing as normal as possible. Then, after Buffy had died, she’d thrown herself into the party scene with abandon, wanting nothing more than to forget for a while.

In the end, Dawn had forgotten too much.

She shivered slightly, and then felt something soft and warm descend on her shoulders. “You okay?”

Tim stood next to her, concern etched on his features. “Sure,” Dawn replied, looking back into the flames of the bonfire. The sun had since gone down, and the voices around the fire seemed muted by the darkness. “Just thinking.”

“You want to go for a walk?”

If he had been anyone else, Dawn would have said no. There were only two men in the world she trusted right now: Spike and Tim.

Well, maybe three. If she ever saw Xander, he’d be on the list too.

It was Tim, however, and so she nodded, pulling the blanket closer around her shoulders. They walked up the beach, Dawn feeling the play of the sand between her bare toes, the light from the fire fading behind them. When they were out of hearing range, Tim sat down, and she settled next to him, offering a corner of the blanket.

Tim smiled and put an arm around her shoulders. “This okay?”

Dawn snuggled into his chest in reply. “Better.”

They sat like that in silence for a while, Luz settling over their feet. Dawn watched the dog breathe, her chest rising and falling in slow whuffs, tongue lolling out of her mouth. “I always wanted a dog,” she said suddenly. “It never really worked out.”

Tim was quiet. “Spike was always feeding strays,” he offered. “We always had a few cats around, and he would set out a bowl of scraps. Sometimes it was a stray dog, but they never stayed. I found Luz in an alley. Somebody had abandoned her, and she flinched every time there was a loud noise or you moved too quick. I brought her home, and Spike didn’t say anything. He just looked at me, and then he said if I was going to have a dog, it was my responsibility.”

Dawn finally worked up the nerve to ask the question she’d been dying to know the answer to. “How did you guys meet?”

Tim was silent. “Tell me about the first time you met him.”

Deciding it was better to humor him, Dawn said, “I was maybe twelve and he came to our house. My sister’s ex-boyfriend had gone all evil and was preparing to destroy the world, and Spike wanted to help her stop him. I wasn’t supposed to be awake, so I was sitting on the stairs, watching, and he saw me.” She laughed softly. “At least, that’s the first time I remember seeing him. He didn’t say anything. Spike just stood there and looked at me. I thought he was pretty cool.”

“The second time we met I was in an alley in New York,” Tim said, and Dawn could hear the pain in his voice. “My parents had kicked me out, and I—”

When the pause drew out too long, Dawn spoke up. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want.”

“No, I want to,” Tim said, his voice hitching a little. “I was turning tricks. I hadn’t been doing it very long, so I was pretty firm about just doing blowjobs. I figure if I’d been out there much longer, I’d probably have given up on that, but—” He took a deep breath. “There were two of them, and they wanted me to get them off. You never took more than one at a time, you know? Just in case it got rough. But it had been a really slow night, and I was so hungry.”

Dawn reached over and laced her fingers with his. She knew where this was going and was amazed that Tim trusted her enough to tell the story. “So I got them off, and they started talking about how they wanted more, and that they weren’t satisfied. They kept saying that a little fag like me had to like taking it up the ass.

“They hadn’t paid me yet, but I knew it was going to get ugly,” Tim said, his voice so low that Dawn could barely make it out over the surf. “I tried to run, but one of them pulled out this big-ass knife, and the other one grabbed me and shoved me up against the wall. One minute they’re fucking me, and then they were gone. Dead. And Spike was standing there.”

Dawn had no idea what to say, and she wasn’t sure if she should risk making things worse by saying anything. What if she hurt him with the wrong words? In the end, she voiced the only coherent thought that was running through her mind.

“I think you’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.”

Tim’s head swung around so that he could look her in the eyes, searching her face for any kind of patronization or insincerity. Instead, he saw tears, and he knew that they were for him.

No one had ever cried for him before.

“Dawn—”

She stopped his words with a gentle kiss. It was chaste and sweet and meant only to reassure, to tell him that she thought no less of him for what he had just revealed. When she drew back, Dawn rested her forehead against his. “Thank you for telling me.”

Tim was too overcome to speak. He could only hold her close.

~~~~~

Spike was going over his finances when Tim came home. The sale he’d made in L.A. would hold them over for another couple months, but then he’d have to consider his next big job. Of course, with Tim’s paycheck, they could stretch things out.

“I thought you were staying with Tara tonight,” Tim said as he came through the door.

Spike raised an eyebrow, leaning back in his chair. “She’s openin’ an’ she’s got some meeting tonight. How was the beach?”

“Good.” Tim came into the kitchen, opening the fridge and staring blindly inside.

Spike could feel that something was off, but wanted to wait and see if Tim would open up. “You’re gonna have to give Luz a bath, you know.” He gave the dog an amused glance when she started whining at the b-word. “She’s all sandy.”

“Yeah, I’ll do it tomorrow before I go into work.”

“Something wrong?”

“No.”

There was a pause. “Did Dawn enjoy herself?”

“I think so.”

“You want to tell me about it?”

“What do you want to know?”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Nothing, apparently.”

Tim slowly turned to face him. “I told her,” he said in a low voice.

“You—” Spike blinked, suddenly realizing what Tim was referring to. “What did she say?” The vampire wasn’t quite sure what Dawn’s reaction might have been, since Tim was looking dazed and rather confused.

“She—” Tim stared at him. “She kissed me. Dawn called me brave and then she kissed me.”

Spike relaxed as he realized that Tim’s reaction was more due to shock than disappointment. For his part, he wasn’t surprised. Spike had known that once Dawn pulled her head out of her ass, she could be a truly decent human being. “Was it good?”

A shy, amazed grin spread over his face. “Yeah. It was about the best kiss I ever had.” Tim sat down at the table across from Spike. “I didn’t think—I thought if I ever told a girl what happened she’d think…”

“Dawn’s a good one, lad,” Spike said. “When she’s not bein’ a silly bint.”

Tim scratched the back of his head. “She’s—she’s the first girl who’s ever been interested, Spike. I thought—I had to tell her, so she’d know what she was getting into. I figured it might help her to know that, you know—that something like that happened to me too.”

“Niblet was always a smart one,” Spike said quietly. “She knows a good bet when she sees it.”

Tim stared down at his hands. “You mean that?”

“Always.” Spike reached out and touched his shoulder lightly. They did not have a physically demonstrative relationship out of necessity. Tim’s past made physical affection problematic at best. So, when contact was made, it meant something. “There’s no one I’d trust with Dawn more.”

Tim’s face flushed with pleasure. “Thanks. Never thought of myself as a ‘good bet’ before.”

“That’s because you’re hangin’ around much more intelligent people these days,” Spike said with a smile, startling a laugh out of Tim.



Chapter 23

“Love is everything it’s cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.” ~Erica Jong

“I don’t see why you’re nervous,” Anya said bluntly. Of course, Giles thought, Anya was rarely anything but blunt. It had been a trait he admired.

It was harder to appreciate when you were on the receiving end.

“There is a very good chance that we’ll run into Xander while we’re in Sunnydale,” he pointed out patiently.

Anya gave him an incredulous look. “Rupert, I don’t even like Xander anymore. I’m with you. You’re a much better lover, and you’re always respectful.”

Giles couldn’t find much to argue about in that assessment. He credited extraordinary good luck that she’d deign to be with him in the first place. When he’d run into her for the first time in years at Buffy’s funeral, they had struck up a conversation by default. Willow and Xander had been hovering together, and Tara had been comforting an inconsolable Dawn, leaving them to their own devices.

Eventually, they had moved their conversation from the house on Revello to Giles’ hotel room, and the upshot was that Anya ended up returning to England with him. She had long since given up the running of the Magic Box. That was solely Tara’s responsibility and had been since Anya had become a vengeance demon again.

Giles often wondered what had possessed him, that he should fall in love with a demon. He had a greater appreciation these days for Buffy’s tendency to fall for men of the undead persuasion. The Watcher had also found that it was possible to live in the land of denial indefinitely. It was easier to pretend that the woman he loved had a normal job, rather than being someone who wreaked vengeance on hapless men.

Well, not so hapless, really. Anya was a little more discriminating about who she took on and what she did to them these days. What she had lost in blood and guts she made up for in creativity and imagination.

So now he found himself heading back to Sunnydale with Anya on his arm, knowing that everything had changed. Buffy was gone for good. It had been almost a year at this point, and Giles was just now coming to accept that fact.

Willow had decided to stay with the coven. She was not ready to be out on her own, and he wondered if she ever would be. Her power was still too great to be unfettered. Perhaps with age she would learn control—and when to release control, which was the more difficult lesson.

It wasn’t so much that Giles was concerned that Anya would take one look at Xander and leave him. She was quite vocal in her appreciation, and that was always a balm to his ego. No, it was more that he was concerned about what Xander’s reaction would be, and what Sunnydale would be like now that everything had changed.

Some of the best years of his life had been spent as a Watcher there. It hurt to know how much had changed.

“I’m not concerned about you going back to Xander,” Giles replied. “You’re much too intelligent a woman for that. It’s simply…”

As he trailed off, Anya easily filled in the blanks. “Everything has changed.”

She stunned him with her perceptiveness. “Yes. Everything is different now.”

“Sometimes change is good, Rupert,” Anya said quietly. “Not that Buffy dying was good, but—what we have is good.”

Giles took her hand. “Yes. This is very good.”

~~~~~

Tara told herself that she wasn’t nervous. Dawn had flatly refused to come. “I have a class,” she’d explained. “Besides, I don’t want to have to explain what’s been going on.”

She understood. Giles was the nearest thing to a father-figure that Dawn had, even if he had been somewhat distant since the Slayer’s death. Having to explain to your father what had happened to her would be difficult under the best of circumstances. In the end, Tara had reluctantly agreed to tell Giles what had happened, knowing that it would probably be easier.

Dawn was trying so hard right now to turn her life around that Tara had no problem wanting to make things a little easier.

Tim had been very quiet when she’d seen him earlier, answering her questions distractedly. Tara knew he’d taken Dawn with him to the beach party, and she also knew that it had gone rather well. Dawn had sounded very much like her old self when she’d described their date to Tara, gushing over the small details with girlish glee.

There had been nothing there to account for Tim’s more somber mood. Nothing except for Dawn’s comment when Tara asked how she was holding up. “I’m fine, Tara. There are other people who’ve had a lot worse things happen to them, so I figure it’s time to fix my mistakes and move on.”

Tara sighed. Spike had been rather scarce the last couple days. She had felt the change in him soon after Giles’ call. It wasn’t anything she could put her finger on, but Tara thought perhaps that the vampire was withdrawing slightly, preparing himself for the worst when Giles got into town.

While it hurt, she did understand. Tara had a great deal of respect for other people’s scars.

The blonde witch watched as Giles and Anya came towards her. Even though they weren’t touching, she immediately sensed the closeness. More than that, Giles seemed more relaxed, happier than he’d been in a long time.

The smile of greeting he gave her was warm and genuine, as was the brief hug. “It’s good to see you again, Tara.”

“Same here,” she said, turning to Anya with a smile. Although they’d never been close, Tara felt a bond of kinship with the other woman—or demon now. They had been the least of the Scoobies. “Hi, Anya.”

Anya surprised her by accepting Tara’s embrace. “Hello. You’re looking—” The demon’s sharp eyes took in the faint signs of happiness. “—very well.”

“You too.” There was an awkward pause as they all looked at each other and wondered what to say next.

Giles cleared his throat. “Did you close up the shop for the afternoon?”

“No, Tim’s taking care of things.” At Giles’ slightly skeptical look, Tara added, “Tim took care of the shop while I was in L.A. He’s very competent.”

“I don’t doubt it,” the Watcher replied, relaxing slightly. “I know you wouldn’t hire someone untrustworthy. Is Dawn—?”

“In class,” Tara replied, watching the baggage carousel go round. “She didn’t want to miss any more, otherwise she would have been here.”

Giles frowned. “I see. You said she was in some trouble.”

Tara was quiet. “She was. Dawnie’s been working really hard at getting things back on track though. She wanted me to tell you what happened.”

“Do we want to know?” Anya asked. “Or is this something that will require me to work? Because this is a vacation.”

Tara smiled, knowing that behind Anya’s seemingly self-centered question was a lot of heart. “I think Spike took care of the vengeance. Spike and Tim.”

Giles drew in a deep breath and then let it out again with a sigh. “I see.”

As quickly as possible, Tara sketched out the details of the story, including Tim’s calling the cops and Spike’s hunting party. “The last we heard, he took the plea bargain and is going on probation.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Giles said, a touch of Ripper in his voice. “He ought to be spending a few years in prison at least.”

Tara smiled wistfully. “I agree, but they couldn’t prove that he actually used the drugs, or that he distributed them. Besides, it was a first-time offense and his parents have the money to hire the best lawyer around. We’re lucky we got as much as we did.”

Anya snorted. “All Dawn has to do is say the word, and I’ll have his balls on a platter.”

For once, Giles had no problem with her vengeance schemes. “I’m grateful that she came to you, Tara. At least she’s going down a different path.”

“Dawn didn’t come to me,” Tara replied. “She went to Spike.”

There was a long silence. “Then what you told me is true.”

“Even without the soul, Dawn probably would have made the same choice,” the witch said. “She and Spike were always close.”

Giles pursed his lips. “I remember that.”

“How are you and Spike getting along?” Anya asked innocently, although there was more than a modicum of knowledge behind her eyes.

Tara gave the demon a slightly dirty look. “We’re getting along just fine.”

Giles decided to ignore what was going on right under his nose. It was, after all, what he was good at. “I would like to talk to him about his decision,” the Watcher said quietly. “As well as his plans for remaining on the Hellmouth.” His lips twisted in a wry grin. “The Council has been aware of the necessity to have some sort of protector here for quite a while now, although no one has come up with a constructive solution. This might just be what we’ve been looking for.”

“I’m sure Spike will be thrilled to hear about it,” Tara said, a certain amount of sarcasm in her tone. She was a little worried about Spike’s reaction to Giles’ request. While she didn’t believe that the vampire was planning on leaving Sunnydale anytime in the near future, it wasn’t something they had talked about. She wondered if Spike wouldn’t decide that he didn’t want to be tied down to her and then leave.

Tara couldn’t imagine life without him at this point.

“I wasn’t sure where you’d planned on staying,” Tara said quietly. “You’re both more than welcome to stay with me, if you like.”

Giles shook his head. “I didn’t want to intrude. I’ve already booked a room at the hotel.”

“Then I hope you’ll let me cook dinner for you tonight,” Tara said, her hospitable nature driving her to make the offer. “It’s the least I can do.”

“That will be nice,” Anya replied for the both of them. She had been fairly certain that this trip had the potential to be quite amiable, with Willow back in England and Buffy gone. As long as they didn’t run into Xander, things would be fine. Because as secure as the vengeance demon felt about her relationship with Giles, she was also well aware of the potential for trouble.

Very well aware indeed.

~~~~~

Dawn recognized the signs of nerves when she saw them. Tim was fiddling with things—filling containers that didn’t need to be filled, straightening signs that were perfectly aligned, dusting when he’d already done it. She had come to the Magic Box immediately after her last class, having finally caught up on all her reading and assignments.

It seemed that it might be time for a well-deserved break, and right in time for Giles’ return to town, too.

She hadn’t seen much of Tim since they’d gone to the beach on Friday. Dawn knew that withdrawal was a natural reaction after you’d shared such a big secret. Of course, knowing that, the girl had no plans to allow it.

“You going to Tara’s for dinner tonight?” Dawn asked out of the blue, startling him.

Tim, who hadn’t heard her come in, clutched at the counter. “Dawn. Uh, what?”

“Are you going to Tara’s for dinner tonight?” she repeated patiently. “She’s cooking dinner for Giles and Anya, and wants me to be there. I’m pretty sure you and Spike are invited too.”

Tim hesitated. “I don’t know, Dawn. You guys should probably get caught up before we intrude.”

“It’s not intruding,” Dawn said, rolling her eyes. “You’re practically family.”

Tim frowned. “I don’t think—”

“And if you don’t want to come as family, you can come as my boyfriend,” she continued relentlessly.

Tim blinked. “We’re dating?”

“Well, we’re definitely doing something,” Dawn replied with an impish grin. “If we’re not dating now, we’re moving in that direction.”

He blinked. Dawn had been extremely supportive after he’d told her what had happened to him, but there had still been the fear that she would pull back, that she would decide that being friends was enough. Instead, here she was informing him that they were dating already.

Tim had never actually had a steady girlfriend. “You’re—” He swallowed hard. “Okay.”

“I won’t take back what I said, Tim.” Dawn grabbed his hand impulsively. “I don’t care what’s happened in the past. We both—” She paused. “We’ve both been damaged, but that’s okay, because we can be strong for each other.”

He dipped his head and then nodded. “I’m not that strong.”

“Neither am I,” Dawn replied. “So I guess that makes us even.”

“Even is good,” Tim agreed. “I can deal with even.”

~~~~~

Spike had seriously considered to refusing Tara’s invitation for dinner. He didn’t particularly want to see Giles again, and there were less than wonderful memories surrounding Anya as well.

Not that their brief time together had been at all horrible. It had been what it was meant to be—the eye of the storm. Solace. Warmth.

Until Xander came in and ruined it. Until Buffy had saved him and damned him all at the same time. All hope had died when Spike saw her face. The Slayer might have left him, but she would never forgive him for sleeping with one of her friends.

It was just another one of those instances where life was terribly unfair.

So Spike didn’t have any desire to see the old gang. Xander had been an annoyance; Tara a pleasant surprise. The way his luck tended to go, Spike doubted that his reunion with Giles and Anya would be positive.

Still, Tara had invited him to come, and she had done so in such a way as to let him know that she wanted him there. Spike would need a much better excuse than he had in order to skip out.

“I’m glad you came,” Tara said quietly, giving him a quick kiss on the lips as she opened the door. “Giles and Anya should be here shortly, and Dawn and Tim are planning on being here as well, just as soon as the shop is closed.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t know the Bit was bringin’ Tim.”

“She’s trying to convince him that they’re an item, and therefore he’s required to be here,” Tara said with an amused smile. “So far, I think it’s working.”

“Good for them,” Spike murmured. He stood with his hands in his pockets, not having felt quite so nervous in the witch’s company for weeks now. “You need me to do anything?”

Tara gave him a look. “You can make yourself comfortable,” she suggested.

Spike looked away, refusing to meet her eyes. “Still don’t get why you want me here tonight, Glinda.”

“So I can prove once and for all that I’m not going to change my mind about us,” Tara said, a touch of exasperation entering her voice. “I am not Buffy, Spike. I’ve had enough people want to hide a relationship with me to know how it feels, and I’m not doing that to you.”

He frowned. “What are you talkin’ about?”

“After Willow and I started seeing each other, it took her a long time to introduce me to the others,” Tara explained. “Even as a friend. At the time, I was so happy just to have found her that I didn’t argue about it, but looking back…”

Spike hurried to comfort her, as was always his first instinct. “She pro’ly wanted to keep you to herself, luv.”

“Is that what Buffy said about your relationship?”

The tables had been turned so fast, Spike answered honestly, without thought of trying to save face. “No. I knew she was ashamed of it, but I just wanted to be with her. Thought it would be enough, that she would come around.”

“How better to make you believe that I’m serious than to bring this all out into the open now?” Tara demanded. “I love you, and I’m not ashamed of that. You’re worth me loving you.”

Spike frowned, wonder beginning to kindle in the depths of his eyes. “What are you tryin’ to say?”

“I’m trying to say that this isn’t about me, Spike. This is about you. I love you because of who you are, not because of anything you can do for me.” She suddenly smiled radiantly. “Except make me happy. You’re really good at making me happy.”

“So when Rupert arrives—”

“I expect to look like a woman who has been thoroughly kissed,” Tara finished. “That should remove all doubt.”

Tara honestly didn’t care about removing Giles’ doubt; it was Spike’s she was concerned about. And as the last vestiges of fear vanished from his eyes, she felt her heart leap in her chest.

She had done that. She had put that look on his face—the look of a starving man finding himself in front of a feast, with all impediments removed. It was a power rush.

It also made her wish that their guests weren’t arriving in ten minutes.



Chapter 24

“We can only learn to love by loving.” ~Iris Murdoch

When Giles arrived with Anya, he found Tara looking rather smug and Spike looking much the same as he always had. The two men stared at one another for a long moment, and then Giles nodded stiffly. “Spike.”

“Rupert,” the vampire replied with a slight twist of his lips. He graced Anya with a full-fledged smile. “Anya. You’re lookin’ lovely as ever.”

The vengeance demon smiled, accepting the compliment as her due. “Thank you, Spike. You’re looking well yourself.”

There was a long, awkward silence, since no one really knew quite what to say. “Tara says you’re keeping tabs on the Hellmouth, Spike,” Giles finally said, breaking the silence.

Spike shrugged. “Doin’ my best, I s’pose. Someone’s got to, right?”

“Yes, well, I’m afraid that the Council doesn’t have the resources to spare for Sunnydale right now,” Giles stated.

With a lifted eyebrow, Spike asked, “Doesn’t or won’t? Seems to me like this town isn’t real high on their list of priorities now that there isn’t a Slayer here.”

“That’s true enough,” Giles replied with a sigh. “I would like to talk to you about staying on, however. We could certainly use your help.”

“Don’t really care about that,” Spike said, off-handedly. “Long as Tara’s here, I’ll keep things in check. No sense in lettin’ the vamps get out of hand when I’m right here, yeah?”

Tara, who had returned to the kitchen to put the finishing touches on dinner, blushed as she overheard his words. Spike was staying in Sunnydale, for her. He was going to make sure the Hellmouth was under guard, again for her. Not that she needed his help—she’d been doing just fine on her own—but she still got a little thrill.

“You look good,” Anya commented.

Tara turned to smile at the other woman. “So do you. How are—you and Giles?”

“We’re good,” Anya said. Then more firmly yet, stated, “Actually, we’re really good. I never thought I would fall in love again after Xander.”

“Neither did I. After Willow, I mean,” Tara replied, pulling the casserole out of the oven. “I especially didn’t expect for it to be with Spike.”

“Aren’t those the best kinds of romances, though?” Anya asked. “The unexpected ones?”

“I suppose they are,” Tara replied, thinking not only of Spike, but also of Willow. Both had seemed to occur out of the blue. Her eyes met Anya’s in a moment of shared understanding. “I’m glad you came with Giles this time, Anya.”

Anya smiled. “You know,” she announced. “I think you are a very nice person.”

~~~~~

Tim was feeling rather nervous. He supposed it was only natural when meeting a girl’s family for the first time, but the circumstances around Dawn’s case were unique. Tara and Spike were family, but he’d made their acquaintance before hers. This Giles guy, however, was not only owner of the shop (and therefore his boss in a very removed sense), but also the closest thing Dawn had to a father figure.

Somehow, Tim didn’t think he was any father’s ideal of a boyfriend.

“It’s going to be fine,” Dawn assured him. “There’s no way that you could freak Giles out more than some of my sister’s boyfriends.”

Tim was willing to let himself be distracted. “Really?”

“Well, there was Angel,” Dawn said. “He was a vampire with a soul, who then turned into a monster when she slept with him.”

“Ouch,” Tim muttered, thinking about how shitty that had probably been.

Dawn moved a little closer to him. “Pretty much. In fact, Angel tortured Giles, so you can see why Giles wouldn’t like him.”

“Makes sense,” Tim replied. He was beginning to relax slightly. A few tattoos were nothing compared to being undead, he supposed. “What about her other boyfriends?”

“Well, there was the Parker incident,” Dawn said wryly. “He was almost as bad as Alan. And then there was Riley, who got himself sucked on by vampire ‘hos because he wanted to feel needed or something. Whatever the excuse, it was stupid.”

Tim didn’t have any trouble agreeing with that. “Sounds like it. You’re sister was interesting, wasn’t she?”

“She was,” Dawn replied softly, suddenly turning serious. “I really miss her.”

Tim squeezed her hand. “I wish I could have met her,” he replied. “She sounds like she was almost as cool as you.”

Dawn blushed and then smiled. “Well, she was the superhero in the family. I’m just a mystical Key.”

“Like that isn’t special enough,” he said. “So what is this ‘key’ business anyway?”

They were at Tara’s house by now, and Dawn shook her head. “That’s a really, really long story, but I promise to tell you the whole thing soon. It might freak you out completely, though.”

“You afraid I’m going to run off?” Tim asked incredulously. “I was practically raised by a vampire.”

Dawn laughed a little. “No, I don’t think you’re the running kind.”

“Really not,” Tim agreed. He was staring at her lips, and he wanted to kiss her. Tim also knew that Dawn probably should be the one to initiate anything romantic, given her recent history. She would need to feel like she was in control; he understood that.

Dawn simply smiled. “So, you ready for this?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

~~~~~

It wasn’t as bad as it could have been. The conversation was slow in spots; silences often hung when no one knew what to say. Giles didn’t say anything to antagonize either Spike or Tim, however, and Spike was similarly on his best behavior.

The soul probably helped with that a bit.

The Watcher was a little stiff around Dawn, but that wore off after a while, and he started to warm up to Tim after it became obvious how much they liked each other. The boy’s gentle spirit was clear in the way he spoke and interacted, and Giles couldn’t help but notice.

Spike, on the other hand, seemed remarkably unchanged, although he seemed to possess more self-control. If Tara hadn’t been so certain that Spike now had a soul, Giles would have remained unaware of the change.

After a few hours and a good meal, everyone had relaxed. Giles finally thought the time might be right to address the issue of payment. Even though Spike was committed to remaining in Sunnydale, Giles had authorization to offer him payment to do so. There was no harm in ensuring the vampire’s cooperation.

Besides, Giles had the feeling that any financial aid he might extend to Spike would eventually find its way to Tara or Dawn. That seemed rather apparent.

“The Council is prepared to offer you a deal, Spike,” Giles said quietly after a lull in the conversation. “Payment in exchange for making sure nothing opens the Hellmouth.”

Spike frowned. “Already told you I was stayin’,” he objected. “Why would you think I’d need payment?”

“I don’t think you do,” Giles replied mildly. “I simply thought it might be nice for you to have a regular stipend. Besides, the Council is unaware of your present…attachment.”

Spike gave him a wary look, and then a slow grin broke out over his features. “You’re sayin’ that you lot are goin’ to be payin’ me for somethin’ I want to do anyway?”

“Something like that.”

Spike exchanged a look with Tim, who snorted. “That sounds too good to be true,” the young man commented. “There isn’t a catch?”

“No catch,” Giles assured them. “Other than the fact that we need someone here now that there isn’t a Slayer available. The current Slayer is needed elsewhere, and when Tara mentioned your presence and the fact that you had a soul, you seemed a perfect solution, Spike. We had no idea that you might stay without some kind of compensation.”

Spike laughed. “Shows how much you lot know. Yeah, sure. I’m not turnin’ down a steady stream of dosh. Somebody’s got to pay the rent.”

“Very well,” Giles said. “Then I presume we have a deal.”

“Why not?” Spike asked flippantly. “Not like my plans are changin’.” He shot Tara a look that was full of promise. “I’ll stay as long as Tara’s here.”

~~~~~

Tim and Spike had both stepped out to the back porch to have a smoke, and Anya was helping Tara in the kitchen, leaving Dawn alone with Giles. Dawn had the feeling that the others had left for that purpose alone, to give her time to talk privately with her sister’s Watcher.

Their relationship was an odd one these days. They’d never shared the closeness that had formed between him and Buffy. In fact, Dawn had the sense that Giles had always regarded her as more of an annoyance than anything else. Perhaps things had changed the last few years. He’d certainly been more than kind after Buffy’s death, helping her to sell the house and invest both the proceeds and the insurance money. Even after Giles had left for England again, he would call her once or twice a month to check in.

As time passed, however, both of them had let their relationship go. Even if he was the closest thing to a father figure she had, Giles would always be Buffy’s Watcher first and foremost.

“Tara told me what happened,” he said quietly, once they were alone.

Dawn glanced down at the carpet, staring at the various flecks of color. “Yeah.”

“I’m so very sorry,” he said quietly. “I wish I had been here. Perhaps I would have been able to do something, or—”

“It wasn’t anyone else’s fault,” Dawn replied quietly. “I’m even beginning to believe that it wasn’t mine.”

Giles tried to smile, but couldn’t quite manage it. “I’m glad to hear that. Are you and Tim—”

“Sort of,” she replied. “I mean, we’re friends. I think it could be more in time.”

Giles did manage a smile this time. “He seems like a very nice lad.”

“I think he is,” Dawn replied. “He understands, and he’s been…Everyone’s been really great.”

Giles was quiet for a long moment. “I miss her, too, Dawn. Every day.”

Dawn nodded. “I know. I just—I know.”

Tentatively, Giles put his arm around her shoulders, uncomfortable but feeling as though it was the thing to do. Dawn simply rested her head on his shoulder, smelling his familiar aftershave. It wasn’t her mom, or Buffy, but it was comforting all the same.

It was, in some strange way, like coming home.

~~~~~

“Did you really mean it?” Tara asked softly. Everyone had gone home, and Spike had left to patrol, only to return a couple hours later. All the promise inherent in his embrace earlier had been more than satisfied.

Spike lazily ran his fingers along her arm, only to rest his hand on her stomach, just below her breast. She shivered as his thumb began to make slow circles on her bare skin. “Mean what, luv?” he asked idly, wondering what ought to come next.

Tara looked over at the vampire, who was as relaxed as she’d ever seen him. Spike’s doubts had been completely banished, she realized. His new assurance had certain benefits for her as well, as he’d made certain that she was one happy witch. “That you’d stay in Sunnydale for me.”

“What other reason would I stay?” he asked, puzzled.

“Dawn?” Tara pointed out.

Spike frowned. “I s’pose, but it’s not a good enough reason, frankly. Dawn’s got her own life, an’ one of these days she’ll move on. I’m not plannin’ on followin’ her around. She ever needs me, I’ll be there, of course, but—‘s not the same.”

“No, it’s not,” Tara acknowledged. “I just thought—I wasn’t sure how you felt.”

He stared at her. “Told you I loved you.”

“I know, but—” She sighed. “I wasn’t sure it was the same.”

Spike knew instantly what Tara was referring to, and he understood. Hadn’t he expressed similar doubts? How was it that Tara could love Willow and then turn around and love him? “It’s not the same,” he replied thoughtfully. “It’s—it’s better, actually.” At the surprise in her eyes, Spike continued. “You’re not ashamed of me, pet. How could it not be better?”

Tara raised a hand to caress his face, rubbing the pad of her thumb over his full lower lip. “You are so important to me,” she confessed. “I don’t know what I would do if…”

“Nothin’s gonna happen,” he said fiercely. “I’m yours, Tara-luv.”

He meant it, Tara knew, body, heart, and soul. Spike devoted himself wholeheartedly to whatever cause he’d deemed worthy, and for some reason, that was her. “You’re mine,” she replied softly. “And I’m yours.”

~~~~~

Tim smiled at her nervously. “So here we are.”

“Yep,” Dawn agreed. “Do you want to come in? We could watch a movie.”

He opened his mouth to refuse and then shut it again. Tim couldn’t get enough of Dawn, of her presence. Every time he saw her, he fell a little more in love with her.

Tim didn’t think he’d mind waiting forever if Dawn asked him to, just as long as she let him remain close by.

“Sure,” he replied, following her inside her apartment. “I’d bet that Spike goes back to Tara’s tonight anyway.”

Dawn shot a curious look. “Do you mind?” She headed for the kitchen and opened the fridge. “Soda?”

“Yeah, thanks,” he replied. “What do you mean?”

“Do you mind that they’re together?” Dawn asked. “I know Spike’s spending a lot of time with Tara. I just thought it might be weird for you, being in your apartment by yourself all the time.”

“He’s happy,” Tim said simply. “Besides, Luz is decent company, and I’ve got friends. It’s not like we hung out constantly before this or anything.”

Dawn came over to sit next to him on the couch, handing him the soda can. “What was it like? Living with Spike?”

“I don’t know,” Tim frowned. “It’s—it’s hard to describe. Why?”

Dawn was quiet for a moment. “I used to have this fantasy,” she explained. “Where I got to live with Spike. It was the year my sister came back—you know, from the dead. Things were just crazy, and I kept remembering how it was when Spike was taking care of me. I wished that I could live with him, or that he and Buffy would get together and he could come live with us.”

“It was different,” Tim finally said. “Different than living with my folks, I mean. I never really saw them. It wasn’t like I didn’t have everything I needed, but they were never there. They were always at work or out with friends or business associates or whatever. When I started living with Spike, he always wanted to know where I was going and who with. He—he cared.”

Dawn smiled wistfully. “Exactly.” She glanced over at him. “I promised I’d tell you about me being the Key, didn’t I?”

“Yeah,” Tim said. “Is it a long story?”

“You could say that,” Dawn replied. “Will Luz be okay by herself for a while?”

Tim smiled. “I think she’ll survive. So, what’s the Key?”

“The Key,” Dawn said, settling down on the couch, her arm and leg just touching his, “is me.”



Chapter 25

“At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.” ~Plato

Dawn decided she liked waking up next to someone else. Tim’s arm was a comforting weight where it was thrown over her waist. She still remembered the look of surprise on his face when she’d invited him to share the bed—just to sleep.

They had stayed up late into the night talking, and by the time Dawn had finished explaining Glory and her own non-existence up until then, plus Buffy’s death and resurrection, both of them had been exhausted. It seemed ridiculous for her to make Tim walk home. The couch wasn’t all that comfortable, and she owned a queen-sized bed, so it only made sense that they share.

Dawn smiled sleepily as she felt him stir. His arm was immediately withdrawn as he woke. “Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t—”

“It’s okay,” she replied, rolling over to face him. He looked sheepish. “Really. It was—nice.”

Tim smiled shyly. “I’ve never—I mean, I’ve never shared a bed before.”

Dawn had a few times, but none of the guys she’d shared a bed with had been as pleasant to wake up to in the morning. There was no way she was going to share that bit of information with him, though. When in doubt, change the subject. “What time do you have to be at work?”

“Tara’s opening this morning,” he replied. “So not till eleven.” Tim glanced over at the clock. “You want breakfast?”

Dawn stared at him. “Are you offering to cook?”

“If you’ve got any food around here, sure,” Tim replied, climbing out of bed. He’d kept his pants on, but he now reached for his t-shirt. Not that Dawn hadn’t seen him without a shirt on before, but the sight was still enough to make her mouth water. “I’ll have to go let Luz out in a little while.”

Dawn followed him into the kitchen. “Wait. You cook?”

“Uh, yeah,” Tim replied. “It’s not like my parents ever did. If I wanted anything other than takeout, I had to learn how to cook. I like it. Sometimes it can be fun.”

Dawn was still staring at him. She was an idiot. Here was this guy—cute, sweet, and he could cook. Why the hell hadn’t she snatched him up immediately?

Oh, yeah, that’s right. She had been busy acting like an idiot.

“So what are you going to make?” she asked, curious.

Tim grinned at her. “Let’s just see what our options are, shall we?”

~~~~~

They were the last people Xander had expected to see. Strike that. She was the last person Xander had expected to see.

He and Anya had not parted on good terms, and that was putting it mildly. While he had tried again and again to apologize for running out on their wedding, Anya hadn’t wanted to hear any of it. After the Magic Box had been damaged, she had decided that she didn’t want to stay in Sunnydale anymore. Tara had taken over management, and had done a good job of it, too.

Still, when Xander saw the store he couldn’t help remembering it all—the hours of research, the secret make-out sessions, their planning to destroy Glory. He remembered asking Anya to marry him—and seeing Spike all over her on that table.

Not even time had been able to heal that wound.

Xander just didn’t understand what anyone saw in Spike. Especially the women he loved. Why was it that all the women he loved ended up going after the undead? It made no sense.

Of course, Xander usually conveniently forgot that Anya was now a demon again.

Today, however, when he passed the shop, he could see Tara inside with Tim and that damn dog. That much wasn’t unusual. Giles was sitting next to Tara at the central table, however, and next to him was Anya.

He couldn’t help himself. The bell over the door jangled as he pushed it open. “An?”

She stood, standing stiffly. “Xander.”

“I—when did you get into town?” he asked, unable to tear his eyes away from her for long enough to look at Giles.

Giles cleared his throat. “We arrived yesterday. I wanted to check in on things at the shop.”

Xander glanced at him, and then around the interior of the Magic Box. “Where’s Willow?”

“She decided not to come, Xander,” the older man said gently.

He frowned. “Why? Was she busy, or—”

“She didn’t want to see Tara,” Anya said bluntly. “Sometimes it’s hard seeing the person you used to love again.”

Tara winced at Anya’s typical directness, but she was more concerned for Xander, who wasn’t looking well. She wondered how much he was drinking these days, because he appeared bloated and pasty. “Xander, why don’t you sit down?” she invited gently. “We were just talking about going out to dinner.”

“Is Spike going to be there?” Xander demanded.

Dawn frowned. “He might be. Xander, what’s gotten into you? I know you’re disappointed that Willow couldn’t come, but—”

“No, she could have come, right?” Xander asked. “She could have, but she didn’t. She didn’t even want to see me?”

Giles sensed the brewing storm. “Xander, if you’ll just have a seat, we can talk.”

“No!” Xander shouted. “You were supposed to come and get rid of Spike! You were supposed to understand!”

“Spike has a soul now,” Dawn replied. “No one’s getting rid of him. If you want to join us—”

He looked around, feeling a little wild and terribly disappointed. Willow had stayed away because she didn’t want to see Tara, but that meant that she didn’t even want to see him. She had been his best friend, and she didn’t want to see him.

“I’ve got to go,” he gasped desperately and shoved his way out the door, past a surprised Spike who was just on his way in.

Spike frowned. “What was that about?”

“Xander’s going a little crazy,” Dawn said, her brow creased in worry. She leaned back slightly into Tim, who had remained silent, but moved close to her for support. “What’s up with him?” she asked Tara.

“I would say that he’s very disappointed that Willow didn’t visit,” Tara replied diplomatically.

Spike snorted. “Harris is pissed as hell that I’m still around,” he corrected her. “Git probably thinks I’ve got everythin’ he ever wanted and will never have.”

“Don’t you?” Tim asked softly, speaking for the first time. “He’s got nothing.”

Giles sighed. “That’s not quite true. He just believes that.”

~~~~~

Dawn’s question had gotten Tim to thinking. While he and Spike hadn’t always spent a lot of time together, things had been different recently with the vampire spending nearly all of his time with Tara. Not that Tim minded—he was thrilled that Spike was so content. It was just that Tim wanted to hang out with him for a while. That was the main reason he’d insisted on accompanying Spike on patrol. The other reason was to ask Spike what he thought he should do about Dawn. Tim was thinking a nice dinner out or something, but he wanted advice from an expert.

“So you’re going to get paid now, huh?” Tim asked.

Spike glanced over at him. “That’s right. Now that I’ve got the money an’ we’re settled for a bit, you might want to think ‘bout goin’ to school.”

“College?” Tim asked, sounding surprised. “Why?”

Spike snorted. “It’s what all the kids are doin’ these days.” He sighed. “Just—I’m thinkin’ about your future is all. You ever thought ‘bout what you might want to do when you grow up?”

The boy shrugged. “I like working at the shop. It would be cool to own a place like that someday, maybe sell comics and collectibles or something like that.”

Spike nodded slowly. “Might help if you had a business degree or somethin’ like that, then.”

“Maybe,” Tim acknowledged. “I didn’t think I was the kind of guy to go to college.”

Spike stared at him. “You’re a smart kid.”

“So? I’m a lot of other things too,” Tim pointed out. “Things that don’t always mesh with a normal life or a college degree.”

“You changed your mind about that yet?”

“In a way,” Tim replied. “College might not be so bad, and I can start out slowly.”

“Sure you can.” They walked in silence for a while, listening to the vague sounds of insects and the wind in the leaves. Tim liked the stillness—liked the fact that the darkness held no terror for him these days. “So what else did you want to talk about?”

Tim smiled. He never had been able to put one past Spike. “Dawn.”

“You two doin’ okay?”

“Yeah.” He paused. “I want to take her out.”

“You want to borrow the car?” Spike asked.

Tim looked surprised and then grateful. “That would be great.” He honestly hadn’t thought that Spike would make the offer without him asking. Or maybe begging. “I’ve never really done this before,” Tim said in a rush. “What—what am I supposed to do?”

Spike’s lips twisted in amusement. “Best case scenario? You take her to a nice restaurant, pay for it, an’ then drive her home an’ hope you get a goodnight kiss.”

Tim knew all that already. “Yeah, but how does this work, Spike? I know she needs to set the pace, but how do I know when to kiss her? Or whatever.”

“You’re askin’ how to have a long term relationship with her,” Spike said bluntly.

Tim shrugged. “Isn’t that the point?”

“You’d be surprised at how many people wouldn’t agree with you on that one,” Spike murmured. “But, yeah. I think that is supposed to be the point. Do what you’ve been doin’, Tim. You’re a good guy. It’ll happen.”

“I wish I knew what to say, to prove I’m not…”

“I imagine she already knows that, lad,” Spike said gently. “You forget that she knew you before. An’ she knows you’re with me, which counts for somethin’ with Dawn.”

“I guess.”

The silence of the night was broken by a body crashing through bushes. In another moment, the dirt encrusted form of a newly risen vampire appeared. “Can I get this one?” Tim asked.

Spike rolled his eyes. “Be my guest.”

The boy moved like a pro—like he’d been trained by the best. Spike liked to think that he had. Tim dodged a clumsy blow before driving the stake home in one smooth motion. The fledge disintegrated, and the young man turned to look at Spike with a broad grin. “I never get tired of watching that.”

Spike opened his mouth to reply, but was distracted by the look on Tim’s face. He moved to the side before Tim could even open his mouth to shout a warning, but the damage had been done. The claws on the demon tore through leather, skin and muscle, and Spike knew that they were in trouble. “Run!”

“I’m not leaving you!” Tim replied heatedly. Indeed, instead of running he rushed towards them, yanking Spike to his chest in what looked like a rough hug. In reality, Tim was reaching for the knife that he always carried while pulling Spike away from danger. When the demon growled and swiped at Tim with his dripping claws, Tim dropped to the ground, still keeping a firm grip on the vampire.

With a harsh shout, the young man came back up under the claws, his switchblade carving open the demon’s stomach, spilling purple blood. The demon screamed, an inhuman sound that Tim ended by passing the blade across its throat.

He wasn’t sure if it was dead or not, but Spike obviously needed help. Tim cleaned his knife off on his t-shirt and then pocketed it, hauling the vampire up. “Can you walk?”

“Think so,” Spike muttered. “Told you to run for it.”

“Since when have I listened to you?” Tim shot back. “Besides, that thing was going to kill you.”

“Part of the job description,” Spike ground out, gritting his teeth against the pain that was starting to radiate up and down his back and left arm. “You should have run for it.”

“Yeah, well, you can thank me for saving your unlife later,” Tim said grimly. “Tara’ll know how to patch you up.”

“Thanks.”

Tim was quiet. “Just returning the favor.”



Chapter 26

“Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be.” ~Anton Chekhov

Spike was barely conscious by the time they reached Tara’s door, and Tim was soaked in both the demon’s blood and the vampire’s. The witch opened the door to his frantic knocking, her eyes going wide at their blood-soaked forms. “What happened?”

“Demon,” Tim said shortly, hauling Spike across the threshold. “It caught Spike by surprise.”

“Is it—”

Tim smiled grimly. “Spike’s the one who trained me,” he said. “It’s dead. Where do you want him?”

She bit her lip. Tara hardly wanted her bed soaked with blood, not when she needed to put Spike in it after she patched him up. “The bathroom,” she finally decided.

Tim was grateful that he had a couple inches on Spike; it made it that much easier to haul his undead ass into the bathroom and deposit him on the closed toilet seat. Without being told, Tim began stripping Spike’s jacket and shirt off, revealing raw wounds that went all the way through his shoulder. A sound from behind had him turning to see Tara, her face grim.

“Is he going to be okay?” Tim asked.

Tara nodded. “I think so. If he’s not dust, there’s a very good chance that he’ll recover just fine. I want you to call Giles at his hotel, though, and let him know what happened. We’ll need to figure out what kind of demon it was.”

“Sure,” Tim replied, turning to go.

“Tim?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

He didn’t bother asking her why she was thankful. “Anytime.”

~~~~~

Giles would have liked to pretend surprise at the young man’s story, but somehow he wasn’t all that shocked. Spike was the sort of person who would ensure those under his care were capable of taking care of themselves, even if he was the one who had to train them.

He had asked Tim to meet him at the Magic Box, because most of the research materials he’d collected as a Watcher were still there. Tara refused to leave Spike alone, so Giles had recruited the boy to help.

Tim turned up not long after Giles arrived, looking none the worse for wear, his hair still wet from a shower. “Had to stop to get cleaned up,” he explained quietly, a yellow dog at his heels. “I was covered with blood.”

“Not your own?”

“Spike’s and the demon’s,” Tim replied. “It was pretty gross.”

“Anya’s making us some coffee,” Giles explained. “Since you were the one who saw the demon, I thought you might help us figure out what it was doing here.”

Tim make a face. “It looked like it was trying to rip Spike’s heart out with its claws.”

Giles smiled tightly. “Be that as it may, it is most unwise not to find all the information possible.”

“I’m not arguing with you,” Tim said quickly. “I want to make sure it didn’t do anything else to Spike by putting its claws through him. If anything happens—” He fell silent and accepted the book that Giles handed to him.

Giles smiled reassuringly. “Spike will be fine. He’s survived a lot worse than a simple demon.”

Tim gave him a half-smile. “If you say so. You’re the expert.”

Anya appeared from the back room with a carafe of coffee. “Hello, Tim.”

“Hey, Anya,” he replied. From what he’d seen of the other woman, Tim really liked her. “Thanks for the coffee.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied primly, giving the dog a dubious look. “Will your dog drink coffee too?”

“Luz?” Tim asked, amused. “No, the caffeine makes her jumpy.”

“That’s okay then,” Anya said. “I didn’t make enough for all of us and a dog.”

Giles’ lips twitched. “I’m sure there will be enough.”

They spent the next couple hours researching. For once, Anya could not identify the demon from the description given. Giles kept giving Tim frequent appraising looks. The boy had not only handled himself well in the fight, given his report, but was also rather intent on the research.

Tim would be a good guy to have around on the Hellmouth, that was for certain.

“Here, is this it?” Anya asked, shoving a book across the table in Tim’s direction.

The young man quickly skimmed the description, nodding. “That’s it,” he confirmed. “The purple blood pretty much gives it away.”

“Indeed,” Giles replied, reaching for a book and reading the passage for himself. He frowned. “That isn’t good.”

“What’s not good?” Tim asked, a note of alarm in his voice.

Giles shook his head. “The demon’s claws are coated in a venom that will prevent wounds from healing. For a human, that’s usually fatal. For a vampire, it will probably mean that Spike heals at a normal rate, rather than an accelerated one.”

“So Spike’s going to heal about as fast as I would from serious wounds,” Tim clarified.

Giles sighed. “Essentially. If his injuries are as extensive as you indicated, Spike will be out of commission for at least a couple of weeks.”

“We’ll just have to hope we don’t have an apocalypse then,” Anya said matter-of-factly. “Otherwise, we’re screwed.”

“I should call Tara.” Tim rose from the table. “She’ll want to know.”

Giles nodded, and glanced over at Anya. “Perhaps we should stay in town a little longer than planned,” he suggested. “It might not hurt to be available in case something should happen.”

Anya sighed. “I guess this just became a busman’s holiday.” Then she brightened. “Unless you don’t mind me popping over to L.A. for some shopping.”

“Not at all,” Giles replied, knowing that she was probably thinking about teleporting. “You might want to think about taking Dawn with you, however. She could probably use a treat.”

Anya made a face. Taking humans along made everything so much more complicated. Then she gave Tim a considering look. “Dawn will need something new to wear,” she decided. “A girl always wants something new to wear on a date.”

Tim didn’t hear her, since he was on the phone, but Giles shook his head. “You like him, then?” he asked, knowing that the vengeance demon was a sharp judge of character.

“Of course,” Anya said. “I wouldn’t expect anything less from someone in Spike’s company.”

Giles decided not to push for an explanation of that comment. “You really don’t mind staying?”

“I have some happy memories here too, Rupert,” Anya replied tartly. “So I don’t mind visiting. We’re not staying, however.”

“Of course not,” Giles swiftly assured her. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“That’s fine then,” Anya replied with the smug smile of a woman who has her man wrapped snugly around her finger. “Another couple weeks won’t hurt anything.”

In theory, anyway.

~~~~~

Tara was getting concerned, even as she sponged off Spike’s bare chest and back. The bleeding should have stopped, but it still oozed out of raw wounds. On the rare occasion when he was injured on patrol, and came to her for first aid, Spike had usually stopped bleeding by the time she saw him.

In fact, Tara was fairly certain that Spike came to her for the attention and the action he got afterwards, rather than because he needed the care.

She felt him rouse slightly. “Tara-luv?”

“It’s me,” she assured him. “Spike, I think I’m going to have to stitch you up.”

He attempted a smirk, but didn’t quite make it. “Vampire, Glinda. I’ll heal.”

“You haven’t stopped bleeding,” she pointed out. “That’s not normal.”

She felt him sigh, expelling air he didn’t need. “I trust you,” he finally said. “You do what you think is best.”

Spike didn’t even flinch as she put small, even stitches through the ragged gashes. For once, Tara was grateful for her traditional upbringing. She certainly knew how to sew a good seam. Flesh wasn’t that much different once you got past the ickiness factor.

Tara had to sew up both front and back, since the wounds went all the way through, and her hands were shaking with fatigue by the time she was finished. Ignoring her weakness, she taped gauze pads over the stitching and pronounced him done.

Spike was looking paler than normal, the dark circles under his eyes especially pronounced. “You need to eat.”

He shook his head. “I’ll be fine. I’ll get it in the morning.”

“Spike—” The warning note in her voice had him looking up to meet her eyes. “Don’t argue with the doctor.”

“We playin’ doctor now, pet?” he asked, his eyes twinkling in spite of his weakness. “Give me a mo’, an’ I can probably join you.”

“Stop that,” Tara said, although with no real heat in her voice. “You are going to bed, and then you’re going to eat. In that order.”

“And will you be joinin’ me?” he asked, his arm draped around her shoulders as she helped him walk back to the bedroom. Tara could feel him leaning on her, and knew that it was a sign of how hurt he really was.

Tara pressed her lips together to contain a smile. Spike really was irrepressible. “If you can promise to behave.”

There was a pause, and then he said in a low voice, “All jokin’ aside, I don’t think I’d be up for much tonight.”

She decided to ignore the double entendre. “That’s why you’re going to bed and staying there until I can find out what’s going on. Tim is with Giles researching right now.”

Spike nodded. “Wondered,” he murmured. “You should have seen him tonight, luv.” Pride colored his voice, warming it. “Boy looked like he’d been born to fight. Couldn’t have done any better myself.”

“It’s a good thing,” Tara said softly. “I came too close to losing you tonight.”

“I’m not that easy to lose, pet,” Spike replied, but there was a note in his voice that Tara recognized as doubt. He knew how close he’d come to dusting.

Her hand on his cheek silenced him. This was how it was supposed to be, he realized. This easy friendship that sizzled with passion. It was the best of both worlds; it was everything he had ever wanted. “Can you finish getting undressed by yourself?”

“Think I can manage,” Spike replied around the emotion that threatened to choke him. She smiled and left, and Spike worked the buckle of his belt with his good hand, just managing to get himself out of his jeans. Tara must have removed his boots when he was still out of it, and he was grateful. Just getting his pants off and getting into bed drained what little energy he had remaining.

He was as careful as he could be with the denim, which was still tacky with blood around the waist. The last thing he wanted was to cause Tara trouble by getting more blood on the carpet. Tara entered the room with a mug shortly after he’d gotten himself settled. She sat down at the edge of the bed and handed it to him, watching as he drank.

“You’re going to need a lot more than that to replace what you lost,” she observed.

Spike blinked sleepily as she took the mug back. “Tomorrow,” he said his voice fading slightly. The pain and blood loss were beginning to take their toll again, and all he really wanted was to close his eyes and drift away.

“Tomorrow,” Tara agreed, knowing that the herbs she’d put in his blood would dull the pain and help him drift off. She stretched out a hand to trace his cheekbone, the line of his jaw, watching as his eyes shut and his breathing ceased.

That was the strangest part of being with a vampire, Tara thought. It wasn’t his eating habits, or the fact that he was nocturnal, or that he had an aversion to crosses. It was watching him sleep, his body becoming so still that you would never know that there was life there. Especially since Spike was the most alive person she’d ever known.

The ringing of the phone brought her out of her thoughts, and she recognized Tim’s voice immediately. “What did you find out?”

Tim’s hesitation told her that the news wasn’t good. “Seems like that demon has something on its claws that prevents or slows down the healing process.”

“That would explain why I had to stitch him up to get the bleeding to stop,” Tara commented. “Does Giles think Spike will heal?”

“Yeah, but not as quickly as he usually does,” Tim replied. “Giles is talking about staying in town another couple of weeks, just in case. How is Spike?”

“Sleeping,” Tara assured him. “He’s going to be fine, I think. Would you mind bringing some clothing for him tomorrow?”

“No, that’s fine.” Tara could hear the young man yawn on the other end. “Does it have to be early?”

“Take your time,” she said with a smile. “I’m not planning on letting him get out of bed, so there’s no rush.”

“Great.” There was the faint sound of Giles’ voice in the background. “Oh, Giles wants to tell you that he’ll take care of the shop tomorrow, so we both have the day off. I’ll come by your place as soon as I wake up.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Tim,” Tara said. She hung up, heading out to the kitchen to rinse out the mug Spike had used. She rested against the counter for a moment, letting the relief she felt wash over her. It could have been so much worse, she knew.

In some ways it was a relief to love a vampire, knowing that there was so little that could kill him. Spike was one of the strongest people she’d ever known. Besides, Tara would rather have him even for a short time than never have had him at all.

She rose and changed into her pajamas—shorts and a t-shirt that had seen better days. It wasn’t as if Spike was in any shape to appreciate something a little sexier. Sliding in next to him, Tara slipped an arm over his bare stomach, careful to avoid jostling his wounds. She hoped that her body heat would somehow be a comfort, that he would feel her presence even as he slept.

Because Tara knew that she needed to feel his presence.



Chapter 27

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~E. M. Forster

Tim slept deeply and dreamlessly, Luz curled into his side on the bed. Normally he didn’t let the big dog sleep with him, but he’d wanted the comfort of a warm body. If Tim had been even marginally more certain of his relationship with Dawn, he would have gone over to her place. He felt as though he needed the comfort.

He was surprised when he woke around noon the next day, having had no nightmares about the night before. He realized that it was the sound of knocking on the door that had woken him, and he stumbled out of his room, still half-drugged with sleep, to open it.

It was Dawn, and before he could even register her identity, she had flung herself into his arms. “Are you okay?” she demanded.

“Fine,” Tim replied, bewildered. “What—”

“I went by the shop today, and Giles told me what happened,” she said in a rush. “He said you weren’t hurt, but I had to come see for myself.” Dawn ran her hands down his bare arms as though reassuring herself of his wholeness. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Something was twisting in the pit of Tim’s stomach, an emotion for which he had no name. “Yeah, I’m good. Spike was the only one who got hurt.”

Then she kissed him.

It wasn’t the chaste kiss of their night on the beach, the one when he’d spilled his guts to her. This was a full-on body contact, tongue-tripping sort of kiss. It was a kiss that invited danger of indecent exposure, since the door was still open and Luz was watching them with intense curiosity.

Tim had never been kissed like that before.

If he was to be perfectly honest—and this was something he didn’t like to admit—he had never had a real kiss, or anything else for that matter. Sex and desire had always been twisted, had always meant being taken advantage of.

Love requited had always been a fairy tale—something that happened to other people. Even Spike’s stalwart support hadn’t been enough to completely erase the damage that years of emotional neglect had caused.

In truth, there was nothing that could completely erase the damage that had been wrought.

Even so, Tim buried his hands in Dawn’s hair, losing himself for a brief moment. He could smell the floral shampoo she’d used, taste the last remaining hint of toothpaste, feel his heart threatening to break his chest.

He felt almost as though he was flying.

When they both broke away to catch their breaths, Dawn was staring at him with wide eyes. “Was it—was it okay?” he asked, suddenly worried that he wasn’t doing it right.

“Okay?” she asked incredulously. “I think my toes are permanently curled.”

Dawn watched as a slow grin broke out over his face, a lightening of his features that made him downright beautiful in her eyes. “Yeah, me too.”

Something occurred to her. “Haven’t you ever been kissed before?”

“Not like that,” he replied honestly. “Were you really that worried?”

“Yeah, I was,” Dawn admitted quietly. “If something happened to you…” She trailed off, knowing that Tim would understand what she couldn’t put into words. Dawn had lost so much already that to lose the man she was falling for—no, had fallen for—would kill her.

Dawn honestly didn’t think she could take it.

“Is Spike okay?” she asked abruptly, realizing that the vampire wasn’t at the apartment. Spike had taken a lot of damage in the past, but that didn’t mean he was immune from dusting.

Tim nodded, motioning her the rest of the way inside and closing the door. “I think so. He’s at Tara’s place right now. I’m supposed to take some clothes over to him today.”

Dawn relaxed slightly. “So he’s okay.”

A flash of pain crossed Tim’s face. “He will be, I think. That demon really did a number on him, though.”

Dawn winced. “Do you mind if I go with you?”

“No, that’s fine,” Tim assured her. “I—” He stopped, suddenly shy. “I like it when you’re with me.”

A sly smile crossed Dawn’s face. “You know,” she said slowly. “That was my I’m-worried-about-you kiss. Maybe we ought to do a retake, just to make sure it wasn’t the anxiety talking.” With those words, she snagged him by the hand, pulling him in for another kiss, this one slower and more languorous.

Tim decided that he could die happy right then.

~~~~~

Spike woke to the scent of blood—thankfully, not his own. His eyes fluttered open, and he could see Tara’s face bent over his, worry in her eyes. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I did a few rounds with a demon an’ lost,” Spike replied, pushing himself up with his good arm. “That for me, luv?”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Who else is here that might want to drink it?” she asked, handing him the mug, watching as Spike downed it in one go. “I’ll get you another.”

“No need,” he said. “I’ll get it in a minute.”

Tara fixed him with a look. “You’re not getting out of bed today.”

“You goin’ to join me?” Spike asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Actually, no,” she said. “I’m going to fix lunch for Tim and Dawn, who are going to be here shortly. You are going to drink another mug of blood and go back to sleep.”

Spike blinked. He had never gotten quite that tone of voice from Tara in the past. “I’m feelin’ a lot better, Tara.”

“Apparently something in that demon’s claws makes the healing process a lot slower,” she replied. “That means it’s going to be all too easy for you to re-open those wounds.”

Spike frowned. “So you’re goin’ to keep me in bed.”

“At least for another day.” Tara’s voice was firm. “I mean it.”

He stared at her, still not quite comprehending. She was going to make him stay in bed and—do what, exactly? His confusion must have shown on his face, because Tara relented slightly. “If you can’t sleep, you can watch TV on the couch. If you promise not to move. Or I’ll bring you some books to read. You need to take care of yourself.”

What Tara was really saying was that she needed to take care of him. It was a shock to Spike’s system. He was the one who took care of things. When he was injured, he pushed through the pain. No one had ever tried to make him take time off before. “Okay,” he agreed meekly, rather liking the idea of Tara taking care of him.

Her face softened. “Really? You’re not going to fight me on this?”

“When you would win?” he asked with a half smile. “Don’t think so.”

“Good,” she said. “Tim is bringing some clothing for you, so you can move to the couch then if that’s what you want.”

“Would prefer it,” Spike said. “I might not heal as fast as I normally do, luv, but I’m still a vampire.”

“And it’s the middle of the day, which means you should be sleeping,” she pointed out.

Spike shook his head with a grin. “My sleep schedule got shot all to hell a while back, and you know it.”

The feeling in the room changed slightly, and Tara leaned over him, brushing a kiss on his lips. “I’ll go get your blood.”

“Tara?” Spike called after her as she left. “Thanks.”

“It’s my pleasure, Spike,” she replied, and somehow Spike really believed it was.

~~~~~

Tim, intelligent as he was, brought over more than one change of clothing. He had a feeling that Tara was going to want Spike with her until the vampire was completely healed. Besides, Spike had been spending half his time at her house anyways. It only made sense that half his things should be there as well.

Except for letting him have some space to get cleaned up and changed, Dawn hadn’t really stopped touching him since she’d greeted him earlier. She was leaning up against him, letting her arm brush his, slipping her hand into his. It was as though they had crossed some bridge, or opened a door with that kiss.

Tim could still taste it.

When he and Dawn arrived at Tara’s, Spike was nowhere to be seen, but Tara was bustling around the kitchen putting the finishing touches on lunch.

“How is he?” Dawn asked immediately.

“As soon as he gets dressed, you can see for yourself,” Tara replied, with a meaningful look at Tim.

Taking the hint, he went through to her room, where Spike was still ensconced in bed. To Tim’s surprise, Spike was sleeping, although his eyes opened almost immediately upon his young friend’s entrance. “’bout time,” he groused.

“You don’t look all that uncomfortable,” Tim pointed out, although his eyes were drawn to the white bandages that wrapped around one shoulder.

Spike tried to shrug and winced. “Tara takes good care of a bloke.”

“I can see that.”

The silence lay heavy between them. “Thanks.”

“You thanked me last night,” Tim said lightly. “You’re not losing your memory in your old age, are you?”

Spike refused to be baited. “If you hadn’t stuck around—”

“You’d be undead shish-kebab,” Tim interrupted. In spite of the light tone, his green-yellow eyes had turned serious. “If you seriously thought I could have left you there, you’re nuts,” he said bluntly. “We’re—” Tim faltered, not knowing what word to use for what he and Spike were, for why he couldn’t have left.

“We’re family,” Spike said plainly. “Don’t think I don’t appreciate it.”

“Well, I’m counting on the use of the car so I can impress Dawn,” Tim replied.

Spike smirked. “And how is that going?” he asked. Dawn’s scent was all over the boy, which made it fairly obvious that they’d been up to something.

Tim’s flush was all the answer the vampire needed. “I’ll let you get dressed,” he said, leaving the clothing on the bed.

Spike just chuckled and slowly started pulling on his clothing.

~~~~~

Xander knew that if he could just catch Giles alone, he’d be able to convince the Watcher of the danger that Spike presented. Tara had always had something of a soft spot for Spike—or maybe it was just something about the vampiric charisma that seemed to work so well on women.

That didn’t explain Tim, of course, but Xander really wasn’t into logic at this point.

When he walked by the Magic Box that afternoon, Xander realized that he was in luck. Giles was in the shop alone, and Tara was nowhere to be seen. He was a little curious as to where Anya might be, but at that moment he didn’t particularly care. It was just the two of them—the two men who had loved Buffy the best.

At least, that’s what Xander had convinced himself of.

Giles looked up when the bell over the door rang. He’d just gotten off the phone with Tara. She had informed him that Spike was doing better but that the venom was working much as they had expected. It would be at least another week before Spike was anywhere near ready to patrol again, but he was considering asking Tim to help in the interim. The boy had a good head on his shoulders.

To say that he wasn’t pleased to see Xander was something of an understatement. Over the years, Giles had come to love all his young charges, and for a time, the Watcher had thought Xander would be the most successful out of all of them. After he had saved the world by talking Willow down, the carpenter had steadied.

Giles had, in fact, once considered him to be as solid as the day was long.

With Buffy’s death, and Willow’s subsequent departure, Xander had been set adrift, and he seemed ill-equipped to handle it. Giles wondered now if the younger man hadn’t gone just a little crazy.

“What can I do for you, Xander?” Giles enquired pleasantly enough, hiding his wariness beneath a mask of courtesy.

Xander didn’t beat around the bush. “I wanted to talk to you about Spike.”

“I see,” the Watcher replied. “What about Spike?”

“You know what,” Xander said harshly. “He’s a menace to society, Giles. Someone needs to take care of him.”

Giles sighed softly. “Spike has a soul now, Xander. Perhaps I’ve never been his biggest fan, but he has done quite a bit of good these last few years from what I understand. I think you might need to rethink your perceptions of him.”

It wasn’t at all what Xander had convinced himself to expect. “Don’t you get it?” he demanded. “Spike is dangerous!”

“Spike is no more dangerous than you or I,” Giles replied gently. “I understand that you dislike him, Xander, but for everyone’s sake it might be wise to try to get along with him. Or, if nothing else, to stay away from him.”

Xander shook his head. “He’s put some sort of thrall on you, hasn’t he?”

“I hardly think—”

“He has Tara under his control, and Dawn, and that punk kid.”

“Tim is—”

“You have to do something!”

Now Xander sounded more pleading than anything else. He needed to believe in an enemy, in something they could all fight together. He wanted to saddle up again.

Xander needed things to be like they were.

“Things change, Xander,” Anya said bluntly, stepping out of the back room where she’d been doing inventory to help Giles. “So do people, and even demons. Spike isn’t evil anymore, he has a soul, and he’s with Tara. Get used to it.”

Xander blanched. “Anya—”

“I’m with Giles now,” she continued. “And I’m happy. Willow’s happy with the coven. Dawn’s happy with Tim. The only person who isn’t happy is you, and I think it’s because you’re the only one who refuses to change.

“Grow up, Xander.”

The last was said firmly, but not unkindly. Xander took one more faltering step backwards towards the door. “I’ll show you!” he warned, a little desperately. “You can’t trust him!”

Giles turned to Anya, unhappy with how direct she’d been. “That was a little harsh, don’t you think?”

“No, I don’t,” Anya replied. “Sometimes he needs to get hit upside the head with the truth before he finally accepts it, Rupert. If he doesn’t figure it out, he’s going to make himself miserable, along with everybody else.”

Giles sighed and looked out the direction Xander had run. “I think he’s already miserable.”

“Then let’s just hope he doesn’t do something stupid and finish off the rest of that equation,” Anya said bluntly.



Chapter 28

“As memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven, it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape.” ~John Lancaster Spalding

“Ow,” Spike complained as Tara tugged out the last of his stitches.

The witch rolled her eyes even though he wouldn’t see her since she stood behind him. “Stop being such a baby.”

“It hurts,” he replied. “What do you expect me to say?”

“You’re the big, bad vampire, so you tell me,” Tara teased in reply, stepping back. “All done.”

He flexed his shoulder experimentally, still feeling a twinge. There was definite improvement, however. “’s good. Another week, an’ I’ll be back to a hundred percent.”

“Good to hear.” Tara disguised her sigh of relief admirably. Given Spike’s naturally active nature, keeping him still long enough to heal had been a gargantuan task. She’d practically had to sit on him to prevent him from going out on patrol, and even the assurance that Giles and Tim were taking care of things hadn’t placated him.

It was only when Tara put her foot down and literally forbade him from leaving the house that Spike had complied. That had come as something of a surprise.

What Tara had finally realized was that Spike would do very nearly anything for the woman he loved—which happened to be her. He might argue, fuss, and complain, but in the end, Spike would do it.

In spite of his injuries and the slow healing, it had been a very good week. Living with Spike—who was in turn sensitive and crass, charmingly romantic and frustratingly obtuse—was an adventure in and of itself.

That, and the fact that Spike was a more than generous lover, even when he wasn’t at the top of his game. Tara was one satisfied witch, that was for certain.

It had opened up an entire world of possibilities, and Tara wondered if Spike would ever want to live with her, if Tim was ready to be on his own. There were still things they would have to discuss, variables that had to be addressed, but now Tara knew that living with Spike was possible.

More than possible—it was what she wanted.

Spike tugged his t-shirt over his head, relishing the ability to move again without the constant pulling at his skin. “S’pose you won’t be keepin’ such an eagle-eye on me now,” he commented. “Should be able to go back to your regularly scheduled life.”

“You are my regularly scheduled life,” Tara said, the words out of her mouth before she could think about their import.

Spike froze for a second, and then a softness lit his eyes that even Tara saw but rarely. “You thinkin’ ‘bout makin’ this a permanent situation, luv?”

“Thinking about it,” she acknowledged. “I wasn’t sure if you would want to. Maybe you’d want your own space.”

“Maybe I want you as part of my own space,” was Spike’s rejoinder. “Have to have a talk with Tim, but the boy’s old enough to be on his own if he’d like. ‘s not like I wouldn’t be close.”

“He might want to try having a roommate his own age,” Tara suggested. “It’s part of the college experience.”

Spike cupped her cheek in one rough hand, catching her lips with his. “We’ll talk about it,” he promised. “’s not gonna happen tomorrow, but—”

“Soon,” Tara finished, kissing him again. Spike tangled his fingers in her hair, not bothering to reply with words. He pulled back to let Tara catch her breath and then started placing a trail of kisses down the long line of her throat.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured reverently. “Love you so much.”

There were no words—she was rendered speechless by his attentions. Even as his lips blazed a trail down her neck, tracing her collarbone, Spike hands were busy under her shirt. Cool lips and hands against her hot skin made for an erotic sensation.

She felt it when Spike started to maneuver them back towards the couch. “Spike—we can’t,” she managed to gasp.

Spike didn’t let up. “We’ve got time.”

“Dawn and Tim will be here any moment!” Tara protested, although her voice was rather weak. It was hard to think about stopping when that was the last thing she really wanted to do.

Spike chuckled wickedly. “Maybe they’ll learn somethin’,” he suggested.

Tara pulled back to glare at him. “Spike!”

He laughed out loud and then gave her a hard kiss. “Fine, Glinda. We’ll wait till later.” His eyes glittered. “Then ‘m goin’ to show you exactly how much improved I really am.”

The doorbell had him getting up, leaving Tara to straighten her clothing even while Spike’s hair remained unrepentantly curly. “Do you guys ever stop?” Dawn asked teasingly as she entered the house.

“Why would I want to?” Spike asked placidly. “You two ready to get going?”

Tim smirked. “The real question is are you?”

“I’m always ready,” Spike replied, the evil glitter in his eyes letting everyone know that he meant the double entendre.

Tara bit back a giggle. She should have probably reproved him, but it was obvious that he was feeling good for the first time in a while, and Tara honestly loved seeing him happy. Besides, she’d long since gotten used to his irreverent sense of humor, and the fact that she could engender that sort of response—

Icing on the cake.

She paused. Icing—now there was an idea for later…

“You’ve got that look on your face again,” Dawn whispered.

Tara glanced over at the younger woman. “What look?”

“The look where you’re planning on devouring Spike,” Dawn said. “Not that I blame you, but give him that look around Giles, and you know he’s going to start to clean his glasses.”

“Rupert’s eased up some since the old days,” Spike said, breaking into their conversation, having easily overheard it. “You know who he’s with.” He smiled at Tara. “’course, Anya calls you on it, an’ you’ll probably get an earful ‘bout the best way to orgasm, complete with diagrams.”

Tim grinned broadly, having been subjected to Anya’s running commentary over the last week in the shop. The vengeance demon had no problem saying what was on her mind, that was for sure. He could have sworn he saw Giles blush a few times, and was just glad that she hadn’t said anything about him and Dawn yet. “We’ll get the talk anyway,” he pointed out. He shrugged. “I like her. She’s fun.”

“We don’t get movin’, we’re gonna be late,” Spike commented complacently, completely ignoring the fact that he’d been doing his best to make sure he and Tara were late.

The witch smiled and shook her head. “Let’s go, Spike. Before you can get me into any more trouble.”

“Oh, I can think of some trouble to get you into,” Spike replied, unwilling to let her have the last word.

~~~~~

“They look really good together, don’t they?” Dawn asked. It was a beautiful evening, and they had decided to walk to the restaurant where they were meeting Giles and Anya. Now that the crisis had passed, they had decided that it was time to get back to their interests in England, and they were leaving in a couple of days. This was intended as a farewell dinner for them.

Tim looked at Spike and Tara, who were walking ahead of them in the classic lover’s pose—his arm over her shoulders, hers around his waist, their heads bent together. “Yeah, they really do. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Spike this happy.”

“I don’t think I have either,” she replied quietly. “It’s nice to see. It’s almost like—” She paused, hesitating to say it out loud.

Tim gave the hand he was holding a squeeze. “Like what, sweetheart?”

“Like having a family again.”

Tim smiled reflectively, thinking that Dawn’s words weren’t too far off the mark, except that for him it was like having a family for the first time. “Yeah, I guess it is.” He paused. “I think that Spike’s going to move in with Tara soon.”

“You okay with that?” Dawn asked.

“I think so,” Tim replied. “It’ll be different, but—nice. I think I’m ready to be on my own, and it’s not like he won’t be right there.”

Dawn was silent, and then she said in a very small voice. “And maybe once you’ve lived on your own for a while, you might want a roommate.”

He shot her a startled glance, and then smiled. “If you don’t mind putting up with Luz.”

“I like your dog,” Dawn said, teasing. “It would be you I’d worry about.”

“Why, you—” Tim’s hands went for her sides, where he knew she was ticklish, causing her to shriek with laughter. It was a moment of light-hearted playfulness on both their parts, and ahead of them, Spike and Tara didn’t even look back, instead just smiling indulgently.

Even the most innocent of sights can give the wrong impression, however, if you’re expecting the worst.

Tim suddenly found himself being slammed up against the brick wall of the building they had been walking next to. In an instant, he was back in that dirty alley in New York.

The grit of brick bit into his cheek, and strong hands were holding him down. Tim knew that they were going to kill him after they were done.

He was trapped, helpless. There was the flash of light on metal as one pulled a knife, and then—

Tim had had flashbacks before, but he usually managed to fight his way through it, grounding himself on the texture or smell of something around him. This time, however, everything blended in, and there was nothing to pull himself out.

It wasn’t until he felt hands on either side of his face that the voices broke through. He heard Spike’s voice, saturated with anger. Dawn’s was the next he recognized. “Tim, it’s okay. I’m right here. No one’s going to hurt you. Look at me, sweetie. It’s going to be just fine.”

With some difficulty, Tim managed to meet Dawn’s blue eyes. “Dawn?” he whispered.

“That’s right,” she replied. “Just focus on me, Tim. I’m right here. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you.”

“It’s going to be just fine, sweetie,” Tara added, putting an arm around his shoulders. “No one’s going to hurt you.” The witch glanced over her shoulder. “Spike, please don’t kill Xander.”

Spike growled audibly. “Told him if he touched one hair on the lad’s head I’d have his balls. I meant it.”

“You okay?” Dawn asked Tim. When he nodded, she marched over to Xander and slapped him across the face. “What the hell were you thinking?” she demanded.

“He was attacking you!” Xander protested, already knowing that he’d been mistaken. He’d seen the look on the boy’s face after slamming up against the door, and he had never wanted to cause that kind of fear—unless it was in a vampire. In that moment, Xander had stepped outside of himself and had seen what everyone else had been looking at the last few months. It wasn’t pleasant.

Dawn glared at him. “Tim and I were just joking around, Xander! If you had even talked to me for five minutes in the last couple months you would know that I’d trust him with my life! But, no. You waltz in here and make assumptions, and you hurt my boyfriend. I want you to stay away from us until you can get yourself under control, Xander.”

Giles and Anya came running up. “We saw you through the window,” Giles explained quickly. “What’s going on?”

“Harris here attacked Tim for no reason,” Spike growled. “’m thinkin’ he might be a menace to society right now.”

“Let him go, Spike,” Tara said, knowing that Spike was very close to squeezing the life out of the man.

Spike snarled wordlessly and obeyed, his fingers leaving livid bruises on Xander’s throat. “You’re lucky.”

Xander slumped against the wall. “I’m sorry,” he muttered.

“Don’t be tellin’ me, you great idiot,” Spike growled. “You tell Tim. He’s the one you attacked.”

Xander shot a glance over at Tim. “Sorry.”

Tim was incapable of replying. He looked up at Xander, and then back down at the ground again, trying to get the shakes under control.

“I’m taking him home,” Dawn said.

Spike pulled out his wallet. “You two get hungry…” He trailed off, handing Dawn a couple twenties. The vampire watched as Dawn wrapped an arm around Tim’s waist, leading him off. Spike had witnessed Tim’s flashbacks in the past, and he had always been the one to comfort him. He had always been the one to make sure Tim was okay, that he was stable again. This time, Dawn would be there.

Things were changing.

The vampire turned back towards Tara and the others. They were all standing in a loose semi-circle around Xander, preventing him from going anywhere. “Rupert—” Spike started. Someone needed to do something about the man.

“I’ll take care of him,” Giles asserted.

“Are you certain, Giles?” Tara asked. “Maybe we—”

“No, we aren’t doin’ anything,” Spike said firmly. “He won’t survive if I stay in his company much longer.”

Tara sighed and nodded. “Alright. Giles?”

“It’ll be fine, Tara,” he said soothingly, looking over at Anya, who managed to look both sympathetic and disapproving at the same time. “I’m sure he just needs some time to settle down.”

“And sober up,” Anya muttered under her breath, low enough so that Spike was the only one who heard her.

Spike had smelled the alcohol on Xander’s breath, which was why the man wasn’t already dead. “I catch you within ten yards of Tim again, you won’t get off so easy,” Spike warned, turning on his heel and stalking away.

Tara paused just long enough to give Xander one long, saddened look before hurrying off after Spike. Meanwhile, Giles was still staring at Xander with an expression the younger man always hated to see—pure disappointment. “I think we’d better get you a cup of coffee,” the Watcher finally stated.

“I’m going back to the hotel,” Anya announced. “You don’t need me here for this.”

Giles nodded. He honestly hadn’t expected her to stick around. “Come, Xander. I think we need to talk.”



Chapter 29

“Love is the immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends, and preserves. Its eternal goal is life.” ~Smiley Blanton

Dawn could feel Tim trembling against her, and he kept muttering apologies for his weakness. “I’m sorry, Dawn.”

It was about the fifth time he’d uttered those words, and she was getting just a little tired of hearing it. “It’s not your fault,” she replied. “Xander was being a total jerk.”

“Yeah, but we were supposed to go out to dinner, and—”

She halted them both. “Stop it right now, Tim. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. It was a flashback, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” he said. “It’s—it was the worst one in a while.”

Dawn sighed. “Well, it’s no wonder. It’s dark, Xander grabbed you from behind—he couldn’t have recreated the circumstances better if he tried.”

Tim let out a shaky breath, acknowledging the truth of that statement. The playful mood from earlier had been thoroughly broken. In fact, if things went the way they typically did, he was going to be jumpy and out of sorts for days. Looking over his shoulder constantly and waiting for the next attack. “Look, Dawn, I’m not going to be much fun to be around. Maybe you should—”

“I told you to stop, Tim,” Dawn said firmly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He sighed. “So what do you think we should do?”

“We’re going back to your place,” she replied. “Then, we’re going to order take-out and watch movies. I’ve seen your DVD collection. There’s plenty to choose from.”

Tim wasn’t sure how to reply. He felt pathetically grateful for her willingness to stick around, and he had no idea how to tell her that. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” Dawn responded. “You need me right now, whether you know it or not.”

“I do know it.” Tim glanced over at her. “Spike’s the only one who ever—”

“Spike’s not the only one who cares about you.” Dawn looked up at him. “You were strong for me, Tim. It’s time to let me return the favor.”

“Okay,” he agreed softly. “I can do that.”

~~~~~

Giles took Xander to the only place he knew they wouldn’t be disturbed—the Magic Box. The shop was closed, and the Watcher knew he need not worry about Tara or Spike walking in on them. In fact, he had the suspicion that the vampire would be avoiding Xander like the plague.

At least, Giles hoped that Spike would be avoiding Xander. Otherwise, he wouldn’t give the younger man good odds on survival. “You want to tell me what that was all about?” he asked, putting a cup of coffee down in front of him.

They sat at a table nearly identical to the one he’d had when the store first opened. It brought back memories for both of them to be sitting there. Xander stared down into his cup. “I don’t know, Giles. I saw that kid go for Dawn, and I thought—”

“He has a name, Xander,” Giles corrected gently. “And Tim wouldn’t hurt her. I think you know that.”

“It’s all different since Buffy died,” Xander admitted in a low voice. “Willow left, and Tara—she’s with Spike now. I thought maybe Willow would come back, but she’s not going to, is she?”

“I dare say not,” the other man admitted. “Sunnydale isn’t a good place for Willow anymore. Perhaps it isn’t a good place for you either.”

Xander frowned. Giles was voicing some of the same thoughts that had been going through his own head for the last few months. Granted, he’d soon diverted them into thinking about how if Spike left everything would be better for everyone, but the fact remained that he’d thought about leaving Sunnydale.

The prospect frightened him more than he could say.

“I don’t know, Giles.”

Giles sighed. He had thought he’d outgrown the parenting role he’d taken on, back when he was the librarian. It was one of the reasons he’d returned to England, so that he didn’t have to be a father-figure any longer. He had convinced himself that they didn’t need him, not really.

The Watcher had been right to a certain extent. There had been those in the group who hadn’t really needed looking after any longer. What Giles hadn’t counted on was the fact that no one ever truly outgrows the need for a parent. There is always a certain comfort in the sense of security that someone is looking out for your best interests. For Xander, that security had been shaken with Buffy’s death, and then had been demolished more surely with Willow’s departure.

The young man needed someone to tell him what he needed to do.

“I think you need to get out of town for a while,” Giles said. “If only to give Spike some time to cool off. I have no doubt that if you run into him in the near future, you may present more of a temptation than he can handle.”

Xander glowered. “Spike can kiss my ass,” he grumbled. “I didn’t—”

“You attacked an innocent boy,” Giles interrupted, his tone severe. “That is not something to be treated lightly. What would have happened had Spike not been there to pull you off?”

Xander couldn’t admit that he would have released Tim immediately, not without completely acknowledging his guilt in the matter. “I wouldn’t have hurt him,” he finally mumbled. There was a long pause while Giles waited for him to continue. “I never meant to hurt anyone, Giles,” he finally whispered. “I just—I wanted things to be like they were. I thought if you—if Willow came back…”

He looked up, his dark eyes meeting Giles’ for the first time. “It’s not ever going to be like it was, is it?” Xander asked plaintively. “They’re gone, and they’re not coming back.”

“No, they’re not coming back, Xander.” Giles looked at the other man with compassion. “They’ve moved on, and it’s time you do the same.”

Xander shook his head. “How? I don’t know how.” Then his shoulders started shaking from tears long repressed. “Tell me how, Giles. God, I miss them so much.”

Giles had no words, and so he simply sat and watched over Xander as he wept for the friends he’d lost, for the life that had passed him by, for the past that was now out of reach.

~~~~~

They had reached the house, both of them silent on the walk back. Tara knew that Spike had badly wanted to hurt Xander, that his protective instincts were driving him to exact revenge. She understood, of course. The expression on Tim’s face had told her exactly how much he’d been hurt. When a person had been scarred as badly as he had been, it was all too easy to re-open old wounds.

At the same time, Xander had obviously been drinking, and he wasn’t in full control of himself. He’d been moving towards doing something stupid for the last few months now, but he hadn’t done any lasting damage. Or, rather, he hadn’t caused any new damage.

She hoped.

Still, Spike was wound up and ready to fight, with her or anyone else who got in his way, and so she stayed silent.

Tara sat on the couch and watched as he paced the living room, finally speaking up. “Why don’t you sit down, Spike?”

“Can’t,” he replied shortly. Spike stopped dead-still in the middle of the floor. “I’m goin’ out. Don’t wait up.”

Tara stood. “Spike, your shoulder—”

“Is fine.” His voice was a virtual snarl. “I need to kill something.” Spike was gone a moment later, and Tara knew that this was one of those times that she couldn’t ask him to stay, not without risking their relationship.

Spike might be willing to do almost anything for those he loved, but he was not quite a tame vamp. Not always.

After a few seconds of dithering, however, Tara reminded herself that she was a full-fledged witch in her own right, and fully capable of taking care of herself on patrol. It was stupid to sit around worrying about the vampire when she could do something about it.

She hurried out of the house after him, and was thankful that Spike wasn’t moving nearly as quickly as he was might have. She caught sight of his dwindling figure, and rushed to catch up with him. “Spike!”

He stopped to wait for her, but his face resembled a thundercloud. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

“This isn’t about you needing a babysitter,” she said tartly. “This is about you needing me.”

“Don’t need anyone at the moment, Glinda,” Spike barked. “What I need is space.”

Tara knew that he meant it. If she was going to be wise about this, she’d back off and let him have his space. She would wait until he came to her.

This time, however, Tara really didn’t want to be wise. She wanted to keep him in one piece.

“You’re not fully healed,” she pointed out.

Spike actually growled at her. “I’ve been takin’ care of myself for over a hundred years! I appreciate your concern, but I just need you to back off.”

“I’m not backing off,” Tara shot back. “What happens if you get hurt? Have you thought about what it would do to me to lose you? I need you!”

She had hinted at it in the past week, gently reminded him that she wanted him around, but Tara was tired of subtleties. Her emotion was raw and real and more powerful than any she’d felt in a very long time. Walking away from Willow for a second time had nearly killed her. Losing nearly everything and everyone she’d held dear in one way or another had cut her more deeply than she’d ever admitted.

Tara understood that Spike needed his space, time to deal with the anger that watching Xander attack Tim had engendered. Yet she couldn’t help but wonder if Spike wasn’t also running from her because he was uncomfortable letting her see just how angry he was.

He’d told her he was a monster, and that she needed to accept that. Tonight, Tara needed to see it, because she had the feeling that it was the monster that would keep him safe.

Spike was torn between staying and going. He knew that he could run fast enough to lose her. There was no reason that she should see him like this—when he was so close to losing control.

Spike didn’t like it when he was unable to protect those he loved.

In a perfect world, Xander would have kept pushing, would not have broken off his attack, and Spike would have been able to inflict some damage without feeling guilty. In a perfect world, Xander would have been the bad guy, the enemy.

This wasn’t a perfect world.

Spike hated that his soul could feel sympathy with the other man, could understand how the loss of Buffy—and Willow—might make him a little crazy. It angered him that he couldn’t hate Xander, that life wasn’t black and white, that there was nothing he could do to make it so. Spike wanted to hate him, wanted to hurt him, and he couldn’t do either.

And now, Tara wouldn’t let him hurt anything else.

“You don’t need me around while I’m this angry, Tara,” Spike warned. “I’ll hurt you.”

“Weren’t you the one who told me you were a monster?” she demanded. “I can handle it.”

Spike vamped out. “You sure about that?”

In response, Tara kissed him, fangs and all.

It wasn’t actually all that different than kissing Spike when he was wearing his human face, because it was still Spike. Her fingers explored the ridges and bumps of his forehead, her tongue tentatively traced his fangs.

She could hear him groan, and she knew that if they did this it was going to be a wild ride, one where neither of them was in control. It was a frightening prospect.

It was also freeing.

Spike pulled back, staring at her, still not certain that this was what they needed to be doing. He was scared to death of hurting her.

“If you need blood, you can have mine,” she said, meeting his gaze with a strength he had known was there but had never seen.

He swallowed hard. “You sure, pet?” It was a plea and not a challenge this time. It was a bridge Spike had never crossed with Buffy, something she had never allowed him to do. The idea that Tara might let him taste her made him want to run—and it made him want to worship at her feet.

It was, in a sense, the point of no return. The point where this relationship became distinct from every other relationship he had ever had.

“I have never been more certain of anything in my life,” Tara replied. “If you need to unleash the demon tonight, we do it at my place. In my bed.”

His heart would have beaten its way out of his chest if it still beat. Spike nodded slowly. “If that’s what you want.”

“I want you,” Tara replied simply. “That’s all.”

It was enough.

~~~~~

They watched Monty Python because it was silly, and they both needed to laugh. They ate sweet and sour pork and lo mein and egg rolls until they were both full. “Do you want to go to sleep?” Dawn finally asked after the third movie. It was either very late or very early, and Luz was already asleep next to the couch.

Tim shook his head. “Nightmares,” was all he said, but the one word was more than enough. Dawn could understand. For months after Buffy had died, she had dreamed of having to go identify the body. In the dream the woman on the slab had sometimes been her sister, and sometimes her mother.

It had always been horrible.

It was too soon, Dawn knew. She was done jumping into sex, and yet she thought it might be something he needed. That maybe she could give Tim something that no one else could. That, maybe, this was what making love was all about—letting the other person know just how wonderful they really were.

She didn’t say anything; she just lifted up her head from where it rested on his shoulder, and she kissed him. When he started to respond, Dawn moved to straddle his waist, putting her hands on either side of his face and deepening the kiss.

After a few minutes, Tim’s hands slipped under her shirt. She could feel his calloused palms, and the very roughness was erotic—yet another sensation in the overwhelming mixture. It was the scent of his soap, the feel of his skin, the strength that lay in him.

Dawn realized that her love for him was vast—a deep-seated need that went down to her bones.

Her hands got busy undoing the buttons of his shirt, and Tim broke away. “We don’t have to do this.”

“Don’t you want to?” she asked.

He blinked. “More than anything, but you don’t have to—”

“That’s why I want to,” she replied. “I love you.”

Tim realized he wasn’t breathing and started again. “You—”

“I love you.” There those three little words were again, and this time she said them louder and with more emphasis, as though she realized that he might have trouble believing his ears.

He took a deep breath again and took the plunge. “I love you too.”



Chapter 30

“To love means to communicate to the other that you are all for him, that you will never fail him or let him down when he needs you, but that you will always be standing by with all the necessary encouragements. It is something one can communicate to another only if one has it.” ~Ashley Montagu

Tara woke to the smell of breakfast, and when she opened her eyes it was to Spike perched on the edge of the bed, a heavy tray in his hands. “Hungry, Tara-luv?”

It was such a change from the previous night, when Spike had been wild and dangerous. It had been a primal night—a wild ride indeed. A line from a poem she’d read for a class went through her mind, “Wild nights, wild nights, were I with thee, wild nights should be our luxury.”

This morning, however, Spike was the picture of the perfect boyfriend, bringing her breakfast in bed. The only suggestion of the night’s previous activities was the rather smug look on his face. It was, in a way, as though she was with two very different men. There was the rough monster—who took care that she was as happy as he was—and the solicitous gentleman.

Knowing as she did that Spike had not changed all that much after getting his soul, Tara had difficulty fully understanding why Buffy had let him go. Not that she didn’t understand the complexities inherent in loving a vampire—especially for the Slayer—but Spike was worth it all.

Breakfast in bed was just a reminder.

“Of course, I’m hungry,” she replied teasingly. “I think I’m still worn out.”

Spike’s gentle fingers caught her under the chin, tipping her head to the side to see his bite marks more fully. “Does it hurt?”

Tara heard the regret mixed with fear in his voice. He was obviously feeling badly about having let himself go so thoroughly, and was concerned that she had changed her mind.

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

“No,” she replied, grabbing his hand and bringing it to her lips. “It’s fine, Spike. I wanted this as much as you did.”

A wistful expression passed over his face. “It was good for you then, luv? Wanted to make sure you were satisfied.”

“I think you could say that.” Tara cupped his cheek in her hand. “Spike, I asked you to bite me, remember?”

How could he not remember? She had been screaming it with his name, legs wrapped around him in a grip he might have expected from a Slayer but not from the gentle witch.

Tara was always surprising him.

“Yeah, but—things always look different in the morning, Tara,” Spike pointed out, his voice heavy with knowledge. “Just—I wanted you to know that we don’t have to do it again. If you didn’t want to. Last night was a gift, but if—”

“Is it something you would want to do again?” Tara asked, interrupting him.

Spike blinked. “What?”

“I am not some shrinking violet,” Tara said, a touch of acid on her tongue. “I’m not going to agree to something one night and withhold it from you the next because your demon scares me. Your demon is as much a part of you as your soul, and I fell in love with both.”

Spike’s lips twisted into a half-grin. “I never would have considered you a shrinking violet, pet. Far from it. ‘s just that you might not have enjoyed it, an’ so we wouldn’t have to do it again.”

“I did enjoy myself a lot,” Tara replied. “But that doesn’t matter as much. It was good for you, and I would have been glad to let you drink from me for that reason alone.”

Once again, Spike was thrown off guard. He was a sincere believer in the reciprocity of lovemaking. He received as much pleasure out of making certain his partner was happy as anything else. There was nothing like the expression on a woman’s face after she lay sated, knowing that he had done that. He had given something to her, even if it was only a moment’s physical pleasure, fleeting and insubstantial.

For so long, it had been very nearly the only thing he seemed able to give the women he loved.

Tara’s blood had been rich and hot, sliding down his throat with a glorious strength. Spike had never known a more satisfying ambrosia. That she had given it willingly made it all the sweeter, although once he would have preferred it to be spiced with fear.

That she had lain in his arms afterwards, closing her eyes trustingly, sleeping as deeply as a child in the arms of its mother—it was a priceless gift.

Now she was looking at him again with trust and love, offering herself up to him. Spike could hardly believe that it wasn’t a dream.

For once, he had no words, and so he leaned forward and kissed her. This kiss was light and sweet, undemanding. It held all his love for her. “I love you.”

“I know,” Tara replied with a smug smile. She felt rather like the mouse in Aesop’s fable, who had tamed the lion through kindness. “I love you too, but I’m hungry.”

Spike laughed and presented the tray. “Far be it from me to stand between a woman and her breakfast.”

She smiled sweetly. “That’s because you’re a very intelligent man.”

~~~~~

Tim hadn’t slept, although it wasn’t the fear of nightmares that had kept him awake. Instead, he lay on his side, his head supported by his bent arm. Dawn slept next to him, her hair spread wildly over the pillow, her chest rising and falling in shallow breaths.

With a hesitant hand, Tim traced the outline of her jaw in the air, careful not to touch for fear of waking her. It had been the first time he’d made love, the first time someone had slept through the night—or early morning, anyway—at his side.

It was the first time a girl had said she loved him.

Tim was still waiting to wake up from the dream, which was why he hadn’t been willing to go to sleep. What if Dawn was gone when he woke up? What if it hadn’t meant as much to her as to him? It wasn’t fear so much as it was the desire not to miss a single moment. Tim wanted to replay her words to him a hundred times over.

He still wasn’t sure how it could be true.

Dawn stirred next to him, letting Tim know that she would soon wake. He waited with bated breath, wondering what her first words to him would be, wondering if she was regretting her choice.

Wondering if he had made her happy.

“Hey,” Dawn said with a bright smile. “You’re awake.”

“I didn’t go to sleep,” he replied. “Are you—how are you?”

Dawn knew immediately why he was asking. “I’m really good, especially with you right here.” She grinned at him. “I could get used to this.”

“To what?”

“Seeing you first thing in the morning.”

A shy smile spread over his face. “Me too. I mean, I like being here when you wake up.”

“That settles it, then,” Dawn declared. “We have to do this more often.”

“I could do that,” he agreed, reaching out to push her hair out of her face. “Was it okay?”

Dawn sighed and grabbed his hand. “It was more than okay, Tim.” The sigh was for the insecurity that he was betraying, and she knew that it would never completely go away. They had both been deeply wounded by what life had to throw at them. For Tim, it would probably mean that he would always wonder whether he was worthy to be loved. For her, it would mean that she was always wondering if yet another person would leave.

In the end, Dawn supposed the one thing she had learned was that it didn’t matter if people left, because they would. What mattered was the time you spent with them, what you did while they were with you.

That time might be all you had.

Last night had been more than okay because Dawn had finally got it. She had finally realized that it wasn’t all about her, that for that moment in time at least, she didn’t matter. Her attention had been focused on Tim and on convincing him of his worth.

Tim, in turn, had been trying to do the same thing, which resulted in their lovemaking truly being something of beauty.

Two had become one.

“It wasn’t really about that, though,” Dawn continued, trying to put her thoughts to words. “It was about how I feel about you. You get that, right?”

Tim nodded. “I get it. Thanks.”

“For what?”

He reached out and traced her shoulder, and his touch sent a frisson of desire through her body. “I don’t know. For everything. For staying. For—for understanding.”

“You’re welcome,” Dawn replied, not knowing what else to say. After a moment’s pause, she asked. “Would you do me a favor?”

Tim smiled. “Anything. You know that.”

“I want to get a tattoo,” Dawn said. “Would you go with me?”

“What brought this on?” Tim was not displeased with the idea, but he hadn’t thought it was something Dawn would be interested in doing.

Dawn considered his question, formulating her response. “Because I guess it would be a way to remember my mom and Buffy. I want something permanent.”

Tim nodded, understanding perfectly what she meant. “You know where?”

“I think my back,” Dawn said. “I’m not sure what yet, but—would you help me?”

“Of course.” Tim’s hand went to her lower back, as though to explore the area where the tattoo might go. “We’ll figure out the perfect thing.”

Dawn smiled, unable to keep from believing him. They would figure out the perfect thing somehow. That’s one of the things she loved about him.

~~~~~

To say that Anya wasn’t thrilled with things was putting it mildly. She hadn’t been looking forward to coming back to Sunnydale. There were good memories here, but they were overshadowed by the bad ones. By the memories of the wedding that wasn’t, of having to leave because she couldn’t deal anymore, of being snubbed by the people she thought of as friends.

That had been the straw that broke the camel’s back. Xander’s desertion had been bad, but when the others turned away from her—the injured party—to comfort him, it had been unbearable. Spike had been the only decent one out of the whole bunch, and he had left too.

Now Giles was talking about taking Xander to England. She wasn’t pleased.

“I don’t understand, Rupert,” Anya said flatly, watching as he turned from the mirror while straightening his tie. The decision had been made to leave the shop closed for the day, but Giles had plans on going in to finish up the last of the book keeping. He had already called Willow and enlisted her support for bringing Xander over to visit.

Anya was not playing the supportive girlfriend role on this one.

“I explained, Anya. Xander needs to get out of Sunnydale for a while.” Giles sighed. “I told you what happened.”

“Yes, you explained, Rupert, but I don’t see why we have to be involved.” Anya fixed him with a glare. “Xander is not your responsibility.”

Giles turned to look at her. “I realize that, Anya, but someone needs to look after him for a time.”

“Why does that someone have to be you?” she demanded. “You know how I feel about this. Put him on a plane and make Willow take care of him.”

“I can’t.” Giles met her eyes. “You know I can’t.”

“Why?” Anya demanded again. “They aren’t your children, Rupert. This isn’t your job anymore.”

Giles turned to her. “They’re all I have left, Anya. They’re all I have left of her.”

Anya stared at him, and then nodded. “I see.”

“You don’t have to speak to him,” Giles coaxed. “All we’re doing is escorting him to Heathrow, where Willow will pick him up. Hopefully she’ll be able to do something, but I’m not taking charge of him.”

Anya frowned. “That’s not what it looks like to me.”

“It’s not like that, Anya. Xander—”

“Xander needs to dry out,” Anya said bluntly. “And he needs to get a clue. If Tim made a wish in front of me, I would grant it.”

Giles looked at her, and then pulled off his glasses to polish the lenses. “I wouldn’t blame you,” he admitted. “We’ll just have to hope that Tim doesn’t make a wish.”

“You can hope that,” Anya muttered. “I think I’ll be hoping for something else.”

~~~~~

Xander stood in front of Dawn’s apartment door, wondering where she was. He had a feeling that it was with Tim, and he supposed it was just as well. While he felt the need to apologize to her and to Tim, he wasn’t sure he was up for it.

“What are you doing here?”

He turned to see Dawn walking towards him, Tim at her side. “Dawn, I—”

“I told you not to come around, Xander.” Dawn’s voice was cold, and he couldn’t help but remember the days when she’d had a crush on him.

Xander swallowed hard. “Dawn, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” she replied.

Tim put his hand on her arm. “Dawn, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s really not,” Dawn snapped. “He hurt you.”

“Dawn, let him speak.” Tim had never had anyone apologize for hurting him before. He wanted to know what it felt like. She must have seen some of that in Tim’s face, because she subsided, although her eyes were no less cold.

Xander met Tim’s eyes with difficulty. Somewhere along the line, he had become the bully, and right now he hated himself for that. “I don’t know what got into me,” he admitted hoarsely. “I’m sorry. I just—I’ve decided to get out of town for a while, go see Willow in England. I wanted to tell you that before I left. I know—I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry for that.”

The younger man regarded him solemnly for a long, quiet moment. “It’s not okay,” he finally said. “But you didn’t hurt me that badly. Not as bad as you could have.” Tim wasn’t about to pull his punches. “You need to get help before you do something really stupid.”

“I know,” Xander replied. “I’m sorry,” he repeated again. He looked over at Dawn. “Dawnie—”

“We all miss her, Xander,” Dawn said quietly. “Buffy would have wanted you to live, though. You’re killing yourself right now.”

“That’s why I’m leaving for a while, to kind of get my head on straight,” Xander said. “I don’t—I don’t think I’ll see Tara before I leave. Will you tell her that I’m happy for her? Even if I don’t understand it, I’m happy that she’s doing okay.”

Dawn nodded. “I’ll tell her.”

They didn’t hug. Xander stuck his hands in his pockets and walked away slowly, his shoulders hunched over as though he had the weight of the world on his back. Dawn watched him go, knowing that it spelled yet another end for her. Xander was really the last of the Scoobies, and she didn’t see him returning to Sunnydale.

He would find another city, another life—one where he could forget about Buffy, and the Hellmouth, and everything else. Dawn wondered if that wasn’t the way things usually worked. You could not live an extraordinary life and then go back to normal, not without a certain amount of forgetfulness.

Xander would learn to be content without the Slayer, as they all had had to do.

Dawn felt Tim’s arm go around her shoulders. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Dawn looked up into his yellow-green eyes, and she knew that she had made her own peace. Buffy would have approved. “With you, I am.”

~~~~~

“They get off alright?” Spike asked when Tara came through the front door.

Tara smiled at him. “Fine. I think Anya was happier knowing that Xander decided to fly over by himself.”

Spike knew Anya was happier. They had finally managed to go out to dinner with the six of them, and he and the vengeance demon had managed to have a drink together for old time’s sake. It had been an odd conversation, in a way, mirroring that disastrous evening in the Magic Box, the one that had started him on this journey in a way.

This time, however, neither one of them had had any complaints at all. They had toasted each other’s health, and met one another’s eyes, acknowledging the folly of loving a mortal. They had left unspoken the courage that both displayed by taking a chance on love again. Indeed, in fifty years’ time, perhaps they would meet to share another drink, and another night of solace. They were linked together in an odd sort of intimacy that comes out of shared pain.

It had been a good night, and had marked the closing of a chapter. With Xander already departed for England, Sunnydale was being left to the hands of the people who had never pretended to be heroes.

After all, pretense isn’t necessary when it was all truth.

“I imagine she’s just happy knowin’ she’s the only woman in the world that Rupert loves,” Spike observed.

Tara smiled in reply. “I can see that. It’s always nice to know you’re the one.”

They kissed then, both relaxing in the presence of the other. “Then you should know that you’re the one,” Spike replied softly. “Don’t know what I’d have done if I’d missed seein’ you the night we got into town. To not have this—”

When he stopped, Tara smiled, hearing the sincerity in his voice. “It would have been a tragedy.”

“In five bloody acts.” Spike looked down at her, his blue eyes intense. “I love you, you know. More than the world.”

Tara touched his cheek. “I know. The feeling is mutual.”

And their useless desires were finally laid to rest.

~Fin~