How

By Mys

direct thoughts
*brain* (one can't get rid of that ;)

Part 1

Spike walked down the dark alley, kicking every now and then against the stone, that had chosen to accompany him, ever since he had left Xanders basement.

//I didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me.//

Yeah right, like hell! Being around Xander, seeing him, watching him, smelling him, for the last two weeks didn't nearly make him go insane. Didn't give him shivers. Didn't make him freeze each time, they accidentally touched.

Sitting beside his bed, while he was sleeping with just one wish. To crawl into the bed, next to him, cover Xanders body, with his own. Feeling him.
Surrounding him and being surrounded. Resting his head on Xander's chest, that was slowly rising and falling while a steady silent snore came from the boy under the sheets.

Spike caught himself more than once, leaning on the doorframe on top of the stairs arguing with himself about going down or turning around.
Mostly he figured, it would be better, to turn around, go outside, smoke some cigarettes or beat up some demons, in lack of other ways to get rid of his energy, but every now and then he gave in to it.

Every now and than he went down the stairs, sitting beside Xanders bed, or just standing in front of it, closing his eyes and just listened to the constant heartbeat. Felt it, as if it was his own.

// And now you want to ask me "how"?//
// It's like - How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?//

Normally thinking about a human heartbeat would make me go all bumpy and fangy, and now? Spike desperately shook his head, gave the stone one last kick and watched, while it hit the door, he was standing in front of. Willy's, once again. Why do I always end up here? It's not like the blood here is better than anywhere else! blood's blood, right?

*Wrong*, a little voice in his head insisted. *It's different, when the mug of blood is heated by a bloke with brown hair and unbelievable deep brown eyes, who sometimes watched you while...*

Shut up! As if he ever watched me! Spike snorted. He shook his head once again, then opened the door and got inside the Bar. Just the normal customers, some demons. Even some humans were there, sitting in a dark, gloomy corner.

Xander never fancied coming here. He once did *because of you* the little voice inside his head eagerly threw in. Spike settled down on a chair, next to the Bar. If you don't shut up, I have to drown you.

"Give me..." Spike looked at the various bottles that were lined up on the shelf in front of a mirror, who reflected everything, besides him. He searched the pockets of his duster, just to find out, that he was nearly broke. He put the few dollars on the bar table, looked up to meet Willy's eyes, who was waiting for his order. "Just give me something cheap. Lots of it. And a mug of blood to gulp it down." Spike caught Willies glance at the crumpled dollar bills and back to the vampire. "Look, if it isn't enough, just write it down. I'll pay it later."

Spike let his head fall down on the table, waiting for his drinks to arrive.

Willy turned around, unsure, what to do. Normally he didn't give drinks out on credit. But this was Spike. Not, that he would really fancy him, but after all he'd heard, it wasn't exactly the best thing, to mess with him either, so he poured a drink into a glass, put it in front of Spike, and left the bottle, as Spike caught his wrist, glancing up at him once again. Then he went to the room at the back, to heat the blood. He always kept the blood in the back, since once a group of starving vampires freaked out after getting out of a basement, the slayer had trapped them in. At least, that's what had been said about it. "Make it hot, will ya?" But as Spike looked up once more, Willy was already gone.

He took the glass from the table, raised it and made a light movement to his invisible reflection. He shivered, as the burning feeling made his way down his throat, warming him from the inside. Goodbye brain!

Part 2

Xander finally managed to calm down enough, to climb out of the bed and get dressed.

He looked around in the basement, searching for *Spike* something that would prove, that he didn't just dream about Spike being here.

Of course he was here, for the last two weeks or even longer.

After Harmony had kicked him out of his crypt, he didn't know a better place to go. Xander's basement was just a... makeshift. But at the moment, he was looking for any proof, that Spike really had been here, in his room, the last night, and probably the night before, and the one before that.

//Why did you come here?//
//You weren't invited.//

Xander definitely didn't ask him to come. Or to stay. Or anything like that. He couldn't even stand him!

*like hell*

Oh great, now I start talking like him. The two weeks staying with Spike definitely had their influence... But somehow it felt... right. Spike, being there, when Xander got home from work, watching the telly with him, laughing about the same cartoons. Of course, Spike also annoyed the hell out of him, but even that felt good.

*now you admit it, huh?*

Xander went up the stairs, looking around, then letting the breath out, he had been holding, glad, that no one was home. He wouldn't have been able to face his mother right now. He headed to the kitchen, to get some food. Doesn't matter how nervous or cranky he felt, he was always hungry. It was something after midnight and he should be sleeping right now, cause after all he still had to go to work tomorrow. He sat down on the chair beside the kitchen-table, putting a bowl of cereals in front of him. He had taken a bowl he had already used earlier today out of the sink, so he wouldn't have to wash another one, after he was done eating. There was no way for him, getting back to sleep. And neither could he think about going to work tomorrow. Or doing anything else, which other humans would consider as 'normal'.

He looked down on his bowl, sniffing. Another stupid attitude he had contracted from Spike. As he touched a finger on the outside of the bowl, he felt cold wetness, and as he pulled it away again, there was a small drop of blood on it. Damn it, Spike! Either you could clean your dishes, or you could make sure, that no one else uses them that's gross!

//And there are some things that I'd like to figure out.//

Xander leaned back in his chair, watching the drop of blood running down on his finger, while remembering last night. He knew, he went to bed soon after coming back from work. And he knew, that Spike said, he was going to be out, cause he didn't want to bump into Xanders parents. Which was a thing he didn't really need to worry about, cause Xander had told them, that Spike would stay here for a few days. Besides, he hadn't seen them in the last days. Obviously, they had, once more, disappeared without saying a word. He also remembered this weird dream. And that Spike had a major part in it. One of those naked-naughty-parts.

//You were on the outside - Stay on the outside.//

Everything had been so much easier, when they had just hated each other's guts and felt fine with it. But more and more Xander had become comfortable with the thought of 'having Spike around him'.

Sometimes, when he came home from work earlier, because *you skipped it* they didn't have much work to do, he found himself staying behind the couch, where Spike was lying, just watching the blond while he slept. Of course, when the desire to touch those perfect cheekbones came up, he turned away, trying to think of something else. And when Spike woke up a little bit later, he couldn't look him in the eyes, because he thought, Spike somehow just must know. And maybe he did. Maybe he wasn't asleep, while Xander watched him. Or maybe he was, but still knew. Vampire instinct and everything ...

//And there are some things that I'd like to figure out.//

Why would Spike have been standing beside his bed the other night? Why would he have blushed, as Xander opened his eyes, blinking to see, what woke him up. And why did Xander automatically rise his hand to touch his lips... like Spike did, Xander noticed, after he finally accustomed to the dark? He wasn't even able to say a word, before the vampire spun around on his heels, running out into the night.

Spike had kissed him.

Just thinking of it, while he was still sitting on the kitchen table made him blush, and he once again raised his hand to his lower lip, stroking over it softly. A small red stripe from the blood stayed on his lip, as he put his hand down again. *and we liked it*

Oh, just shut up!

Part 3

"Don't you think you had enough?"

Spike finally noticed the man, standing in front of him. He smirked, but it turned out to look rather unhappy and not half as good as it normally would.

"Grown-up little vampire myself. I know, when I had enough..."

Willy turned away, shacking his head. Than came back with another mug of blood.

"I didn't..." Spike protested, but Willy interrupted him forcefully.

"I know, but I'm not going to pour you another drink. Come on, I'll pay this one."

He shoved over the mug and winked at Spike.

"Drink it down, and then go to see the girl that caused your circumstances, and make up with her." Willy grinned while he continued cleaning the bar table.

If you only knew... And when had Willy become so damn friendly, anyway? "I can't..." Spike tried to explain, but stopped himself, not knowing, what to say. Why did I kiss Xander? I'm such a bloody idiot!

//And there are some things that I'd like to figure out.//

Spike didn't plan it. As he walked down the stairs the other night, it was because he had been driven away from the couch by Xanders mum, who just stumbled in with a guy, who definitely wasn't Xanders dad. Not that they cared about him, but he *used it as a good excuse* figured it would be better to get out of the living room for a while. As he was on top of the stairs, he once again found himself caught in that warmth, which seemed to come from Xander. A warmth, which made him feel welcomed, pleased, and... almost alive.

Yeah, right. Dead man's walkin' down the stairs, feeling alive. Tell me another one.

As he heard the door in the living room close again, he could have gone back, settle on the couch or make himself a proper meal. But he was still standing there, halfway down the stairs, watching the brunette. It really was everything he saw, brown hair, all shaggy and fluffy spread on the pillow.
Xanders back was turned towards Spike, but he imagined his face. All smooth, except the little bit of a stubbly beard, because Spike didn't remember seeing him shave in the last few days. A few of the locks hanging over his eyes, tickling his nose, and he imagined stroking them out of Xanders face.

//And now you want to ask me "why"?//

He wasn't able to resist, so he had walked around the bed, to face Xander. Of course, not really face him, cause Xander was sleeping and all, but still...
As he was standing there, he once more felt, what he had been feeling the whole past week.

Silence, but not in an unpleasant way.

Heat, but not in a sun-burning way.

Love, but not in an obsessed way, as it had been with Buffy.

He felt... complete.

And he couldn't just stay there, as he did the other nights. It wasn't enough anymore. So he settled next to Xanders bed, sitting on the floor, his hands and his head carefully placed on the pillow, next to Xander, without touching him. Without making a move. If he had breath, he would have held it, to not wake the boy up.

And he just sat there, no idea, how long. Maybe just minutes, maybe hours. it didn't really matter. It felt good.

Until I screwed it, of course!

Spike raised his head from his hands, once again facing the mirror, without really facing anything. He took the mug, gulped the blood down and shivered. Then he stood up and left the Bar, without saying goodbye to Willy, who watched him concerned.

And now? Where to go? Any idea?

*Don't ask me, you left the home we had*

Oh great, I'm not only talking to myself, I'm also answering... insanity, you're welcome!

Spike turned around, walking back the dark alley he came from, brooding and thinking... which suited him unexpectedly good.

I've always thought just Angel is such a loser. And now, what do I do? Walking through dark alleys, thinking about *the one you love* the one I've used.

He rolled his eyes. Now, as he thought about it, it became clear. He begged Xander to let him in, which Xander did. He lived with him, the past two weeks, and Xander didn't say a word. And in a moment of weakness, he used the defencelessness of the boy, and kissed him, just because he couldn't control his temper.

// There are some things that I can do without -//

It's not, like that changed anything. There's no problem, in going back to his crypt, kicking Harmony out, and just go on, living the life Spike had before. He could do that. Or he could just go on, walking down the Alley, thinking about what a stupid moron he was. Sounds like a plan

Once again he saw Xander, how he looked at him, as he had woken up the other night. Flashbacks are something for TV, don't bother me with it anymore!

He bashed his hand against the wall, and fascinated watched the few drops of blood, running down his wrist. He raised his arm to his mouth, licking them away, leaving a red spot on his upper lip. How did Xander look? Shocked? Disappointed? *You know, that you're evil... forgot about that? *
Apparently I did, evil fiends don't kiss their enemies.

Spike tried to think of nothing. Just blank, cold, nothing. But mostly, nothing doesn't stay blank very long.

He just had had to touch these lips. He wanted to just sit there, rest his head on the same pillow as Xander, feeling the boy's breath warm along his cheeks, while he watched the brunette. But without any control, he started to take his hand from the pillow, moving towards Xanders face.
As Xander moved, and snorted a little bit, he jerked away.

That's where he should have went away. Where he just should have stood up and leave the basement. But he didn't. And as Xanders breath calmed down again, he took up, what he started.

As he touched Xanders lower lip, stroking along the arched line he slightly shivered.

His eyes widened, as Xander moved his head. Not in a fast, shocked way, but in a... nuzzling way.

A smile flickered over the boys mouth while he continued stroking against the finger on his lips, gently biting the pale skin.

Spike hadn't been able to resist.

What did I think? Even if he would have liked it... what he surely didn't... how should that go on?

// like you, and the people that were never friends//

Dating at night, holding hands, when no one watches, making out on the coach, like Teenagers. Not really the life-style of a Big Bad. *But probably of the Big Bad, who has a crush on Buffy's whelp*

Buffy... She's another problem.

Spike has moved on, he didn't want Buffy anymore, that wouldn't be the problem. The problem would be, that Buffy surely didn't want Spike as a lover of one of her fri...

Ok, stop that! LOVER? I kissed him! That's all! It's not, that I want to marry him, for God's sake!

*But we would look so gorgeous in a suit*

Part 4

Xander was straying up and down in the kitchen. As he glimpsed over to the clock once again, he saw, that it was past half two. He had expected Spike to come back after a cigarette break. Maybe half and hour. Or an hour. But now he started to worry.

*Uh-hu?*

Oh come on! I am somehow concerned, I admit it. It's not that I would hate him.

*since when not?*

I...

Well, that was the point... since when not? He couldn't tell, what had exactly happened in the past two weeks, but somehow some of Spikes habits like sipping his blood, seemed sexy instead of annoying. When they went on patrol together he felt save instead of defenceless and when Buffy mocked the vampire, he wanted to tell her, she should keep her mouth...

*Boy, you have so lost it...*

You telling me? Great!

Finally Xander couldn't stand it anymore, waiting, without doing anything so he went down to the basement again, grasped his coat and left through the backdoor. As the cold, fresh air touched his face and he breathed in deep, he felt better. Not long and not much, but it was something. He started walking down the road, without thinking about a direction or anything. He didn't plan on stalking Spike

*more like staking, right?*

He decided to ignore this little idea, that popped up in his head. He also decided to ignore the feeling of bouncing his head against a wall, to stop those ideas from popping. Instead he kept walking, faster than before, panting harshly.

//and you, and the people that were never friends.//

Maybe he could look in at Willow's place. *and tell her...* What ever!

Maybe she would understand him! At least, she's the one with the special liking for her own gender. I never said, that there is a 'special liking' or what so ever... Maybe Spike would even be there. The last time he got dumped he went to see Willow, didn't he?
I didn't dump him.

*Cause you didn't have the time to*

Xander turned around, withdrawing from the main street. The light was too harsh, the people too loud and Xander too sensitive at the moment.
Or he could just stop by and have a nice chat with Buffy... *At nearly three o'clock in the morning... she surely will be happy*

Well, why don't you start to make suggestions.

*Did I scare our Vampire away or you?*

I didn't mean...

Xander stopped, all of a sudden and replayed his self-discussion.

When did I start to use possessive pronouns in context with Spike?

---

Spike was sitting on a tombstone, a lit cigarette in his left hand, which slowly burned down, without being noticed. No place to go. No demons to kill. Nothing to do... just thinking. Thinking about how bloody stupid he had been. He sniffed the air, looking for some distraction in whatever sense of the
word. Just something to keep his mind from diving too deep in self-pity.

I screwed it. I have to stand up for it. It's not the first time.

He hissed in shock as the cigarette burned his fingers, and snapped it away. Then he stood up and left the graveyard in direction of Xanders basement.

And when I'm there I do... what exactly?

Spike rolled his eyes. Definitely a part of this plan he still had to work on. But at least, he had about ten minutes, until he would be there. That should be enough to... *turn around and walk away?*

Yeah, that too...

Part 5

Ok, I can't go anywhere, and I can't walk through whole Sunnydale hunting down a crazy vampire who kissed me. So, what's the next best thing to do? Xander suddenly stopped his headless trip, and turned in the direction his parents flat was. He's old enough. He doesn't need me looking after him, does he?

// With all the things that you could be//

He doesn't even need me, being with him.

It would be easy for Spike, finding another place to stay. He was probably already looking for a new crypt. Or maybe a flat this time. Or what about a sewerage? All Angel-like.

Yeah, he doesn't need me.

*And he kissed you because of...*

Xander hissed in frustration. That doesn't make sense. Nothing of all that made sense to him. And he definitely didn't have the guts to think long enough about it and probably figure it out. At the moment he was just able to do some low level thoughts.

Vampires are bad. Spike's a vampire. Therefore Spike's... just an inch or two smaller than him. Perfect to nibble on his upper lip and maybe...

Xander abruptly stopped in his movement.

Holy shit! Where did that came from?

---

Damn, he's gone .

Spike opened the basement door. Xander didn't close it, as he went out, the door stood wide open and no one was at home.

I didn't just screw it up with him. I also scared him out of his own basement.

*Good job!*

// And there are some things that I'd like to figure out//

Spike sat down on a stone beside the door, after closing it carefully. He lit himself another cigarette, and this time he really planed on smoking it.
The best thing will be, when I just tell him, that it was a mistake, that I was drunken or that I...

*accidently crashed down on his mouth?*

He leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes letting a breath out, he didn't need and tried once again to think nothing. And once again his brain tricked him into memories of the whelp. How he was lying in his bed, arms hugged around himself, hairs messy hanging into his face, eye-lids lightly flattering as if he was dreaming. Spike could see him so clear in front of his eyes, he bet he could even smell the boy. As he heard a low husky cough, he opened his eyes again, and there he was.

---

Spike flushed. It's not like he didn't expect him to come back, but Xander caught him unprepared, dreamily and without a learned speech. He looked up and down the body of the whelp, somehow once again stuck on the tight jeans he was wearing. Not even the harsh flash of colours coming from his Hawaiian shirt could ruin the view, Spike had. He forced himself to look up again and meet those dark brown, almost black eyes.

"So, you're back."

It didn't sound half as cool as it should.

"Suppose I am..."

Xander was staring down at his feet, moving slightly back and forward.

Spike looked around, searching for something to say.

"Look, I..."

"Tonight, I didn't..."

They looked at each other, almost smiling, than Xander looked away and mumbled: "You first!"

Spike swallowed and started once again.

"Look, the... thing, tonight, with you. I didn't mean to..."

Helplessly he looked up at Xander, searching for something. Some hint of comprehension? Encouragement?

Of course there was none.

Spike straightened his shoulders.

"I felt somehow lonesome, and you were there, and I..."

He wanted to sound convincing but didn't really manage to.

All the same Xander looked at him, hurt.

I was 'just there'? Xander Harris, once again the one who's there, if no one else is. Buffy used me to make Angel jealous, Anya had good orgasm because of me and Cordy... God knows what Cordy wanted.

He sniffed and rubbed a hand over his left cheek. Just a short move, he didn't want Spike to know.

//It's like - why does your heartbeat, and how do you cry?//
//With all the things that you could be//

Of course Spike doesn't want me

Spiked felt a movement in the air and he sniffed. Some salty taste was in the air and he looked up at Xander, who had turned away a little bit.
God, I'm such an idiot!

"Xan, I didn't want to... I never meant that... Look, I'm sorry."

But Xander didn't turn to face him, he kept his face in the shadow.

Spike fidgeted on the stone he was sitting, waiting for a reaction of the boy in front of him.

He doesn't want to be with me, he just came back, cause he needed a bed to sleep.

*When did I start thinking about actually 'be with him'?*

Damn, does that matter now? It's not going to happen!

Xander took one more breath, and blinked the tears away, that had once again started to flood his eyes.

"Look, I'm tired, let us just go inside and sleep."

Spike tilted his head insecure.

"You mean, I can stay?"

"That's what it's all about, isn't it? You may be an evil monster without conscience, but I'm not! "

"Suppose so."

Spike sighed, than started again, where he stopped before.

"Look, I didn't mean to..."

"What ever!"

Xander forcefully stopped him, moving towards the door.

"Just let me get some sleep, I..."

He stopped, glancing at the door, and back at Spike, who still sat on the stone.

"Did you close it?"

Spike raised his head with a smile. Finally something he had made right.

"Bloody well I did! Thought I could at least keep our basement demon, thief and murder free..."

"You..."

Xander stopped.

Wait, our basement?

Before he could think about that long enough, Spike stood up and came towards him, stopping a few inches in front of Xander.

"What? What did I do this time?"

Xander raised his head, meeting blue eyes who looked... thoughtful, insecure and... beautiful. He had to look down, so he wouldn't start to drool. Of course, the view of Spikes hand in the pockets of his pants, making the tight jeans even tighter didn't help much so he looked up again.

"Idonhavky"

Spike blinked.

"Excuse me?"

"I don't have a key. I left it in the basement as I... rushed out and now you closed the door and we're..."

"Locked out!"

"Exactly!"

Spike let out another frustrated breath, placing himself on the stone again, shoulders bending down to the ground.

Xander looked at him... and finally felt sorry. Of course, Spike didn't mean to, and it isn't, that it would be such a big problem. He would just have to wait, till his parents came home and opened the door for him.

*maybe you should tell him that*

He made a step towards the vampire who was still sitting on the stone, than backed away again.

"It's not your fault. I mean, we can just wait here. Or you can just go back to your crypt and..."

Do whatever you want with Harmony.

Spike didn't look up and Xander thought, that maybe he didn't hear him. As he opened his mouth to repeat, what he had said, the blond glanced at him.

"You want me to go?"

Does he look disappointed? Xanders thought rushed, playing each scenario through, he could think of. Why would Spike be disappointed when he finally got the chance to leave, without a bad conscience towards Xander?

"I don't want you to go. But obviously you don't want to be here!" Damn! Did I really say this out loud? Thinking: silent, Speaking: loud. When will I ever get this ? Xanders cheeks blushed and he looked away. He didn't need another annoyed, pitiful look of the vampire.

// you never could learn how to be me//

"Xander?"

He heard Spike, but he still didn't look up.

"Xander, look at me!"

After another minute in silence Spike added

"Please."

Xander looked up end smiled awkwardly to just not look as sad an embarrassed, as he was.

"Come here."

It wasn't commanding, it was... nearly pleading.

And he saw a softening in the tensed body of the vampire, as he started to move towards the stone, and the door, and of course the blond, gorgeous vampire sitting in front of all that.

// And now you want to ask me "how"?//

"What..."

Xander started, but stopped himself, not knowing, what exactly he wanted to say.

Spike took hold of his hand and pulled him down next to the stone.

He let himself slide down in the grass.

Xander nearly didn't dare to breathe. Everything seemed unreal, surreal, and... perfect.

"Let's just wait, till tomorrow, okay?"

Spike mumbled in his neck, as he laid his arms around Xanders waist, pulling him close to him. Xander just wanted to give into it. Let himself fall and be held by this arms, but he still didn't dare to.

"What about... sunrise?"

It wasn't, what he really wanted to ask, but at least, it was something.

"The sun rises in the east, we're in the west. We won't see the sun till 12 o'clock in the afternoon, if we're lucky."

"And if not?"

"Then I'll open the door."

Xander forced himself, to open his eyes again. He had already nearly fallen asleep, just listening to the husky, soft voice of Spike, who was hugging him.
But he managed to turn around a bit and now stared at the blonde.

"You know, how to get in?"

Spike looked at him, smiling a cock smile and stroking Xanders cheek.

"Course I do, how do you think did I get in before, pet?"

"But..."

"I just like it here."

Before Xander could say anything else, Spike leaned in for a soft kiss, nearly just a brushing of their lips. Xander shuddered, grasped the collar of Spike's duster, holding him in place, deepening the kiss. As he let go, he smiled sheepishly.

"Like it, too."

He nuzzled himself into the embrace, happily drifting into sleep.

//how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?//

Spike took one hand from Xanders waist, stroking the lock of hair away, that tickled Xanders nose. He listened to the beat of Xan's heart, steady against his own chest, and it almost felt, like his own. He placed another kiss on the boys neck. Xan turned his head half around and Spike let a breath warmly stroke his cheek, and as he breathed in as well, it almost felt, like his own. He hugged him closer and drifted into sleep, almost feeling alive.

//how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?//
//how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?//

~Fin~