I Know It Doesn't Sound So Cool
(but maybe I'm in love with you… )

By Mys

^^I cleaned his room. I made his bed. I'm cooking him *dinner* for god's sake. What else am I going to do before I finally open my stupid mouth?^^

Spike threw the oven gloves into a corner and sighed heavily. He lowered the hot plate temperature a bit and after a last glance at the pot filled with stew he walked out into the living room and fell down on the sofa.

Xander's parents had let the boy known, that they wouldn't be home next week, maybe not even for the rest of the month. Their behavior showed that they didn't really care for Xander. That was something the blond had noticed shortly after his move-in. Spike hated them for it and loved them at the same time, because it was one of the main reasons he was here. Not here as in 'here, living in the basement' ^^that thank would go to the watcher^^
but here as in 'here, being with Xander'

^^Oh, sod off! It's not like I haven't been surprised catching myself thinking about him *that* way. I mostly blame him anyway! If he hadn't tied me up to that ugly chair I would have been able to do other things than watching him sleep each night, listening to his 'nearly not noticable but still noticeable snoring' and those tiny sighs he makes, each time he turns around in bed.^^

Spike caught himself smiling a sheepish smile and although he knew no one was home he searched the room for someone who might have noticed the expression on his face. He sighed again.

^^Yeah, I know that he stopped tying me up at one point, thanks very much for the input! But I'm not exactly accepted anymore in the demon community. I can't even go to Willy's without risking being entangled in a fight. Not, that I wouldn't need a good way to get rid of all the energy right now and Willy surely knows better than not to fear me anymore. I still know some demons who owe me a favour or two and if I wanted him dead, he would have been a long time ago. But the brat *is* useful sometimes. And he knows it. So I haven't really had better things to do all the time. And yes, the weather is very nice here in denial - land. You should really try living here, too.^^

Spike snuggled himself deeper into the cushions and switched on the TV, so that the room wouldn't seem so empty, while he waited for Xander.

^^And who's fault had it been anyway, that the whelp had started to have these nightmares? I first thought he dreamt about slaying and being beaten up by some demon, but at one point I realised that those were old memories of his father, beating him, and that they were still haunting him. Something like that hadn't happened in the near past, I would have noticed, but his movements and the few words he had managed to get out had surely sounded like it.

And it surely as hell hadn't been my fault that my demon considered the boy as his and got wild by the mere thought of someone hurting him (beside himself that was). And who am I to disobey my demon, if he decides to soothe what's his? So I surely can't be made responsible for climbing into bed with the whelp and holding him tight until those whimpers stopped. And you don't really expect me to leave a warm comfy bed at 4 o'clock in the
morning, do you? You do? Yeah, so did Xander. He more or less jumped out of the bed and yelled at me the next morning. Didn't even want to listen to me. Not that I would have known how to explain my actions, but at least getting the chance would have been nice. Good thing was he had to go to work shortly after and I had other, important things to do. Evil things like planning revenge on the Initiative, thinking about world-domination and making the whelp's bed.

What? Oh come on! It was crumpled and messy after all!^^

Spike shook his head, still smiling at the memory of the night after that day and closed his eyes.

^^Somewhere between 'invasion of Mexico first' and 'making a perfect tuck in the pillow' I had come to the decision, that the whelp wasn't *that* bad looking. See? I can be honest! Yeah, I also noticed similarities between him and Angelus (tall, brunette, broad) but there is *so* no pattern there. Where Angelus had been hard, Xander was smooth, where Angelus had been self-confident Xander was insecure like hell… and isn't that just cute?
(…did I really just say 'cute'? Can someone please shoot me?) Later in the evening he had come home all sweaty and worked up and had gone without much more than a 'hi' and a blush into the bathroom, taking a shower. That had left me alone with my dirty mind. And you can't imagine just *how* dirty until you haven't seen all the possibilities it had suggested me of how to take the whe…Xander right there in the shower. Wet and soapy and slippery… and these thoughts had *so* not been helping! But it hadn't been my fault that Xander had decided to shower after work right in front of my… well, not *in front* of my eyes, but you know, what I mean.

The fact, that he went straight to bed afterwards with another blush when he saw me, watching him, had left me with two options. Either watching him sleep or going out to be the demon, no other demon wants to be seen with. Hard choice, isn't it? So I had been sitting on my chair, staring onto the ceiling until Xander's breath had evened out and his heartbeat had changed from frantic to steady. And to frantic again when the nightmares had
begun. And don't I just hate this pet? I sat there and did *nothing*. I clenched the armrests of my chair, gritted my teeth, tried to calm my demon. I hadn't wanted to freak him out again, so I just waited. And waited. And waited. Until he finally woke up with a gasp and a sob and a panicked look around.

'There's no one here, pet. Just you and me,' I had told him.

Those huge chocolate-brown eyes had focused on me and I think I almost melted into this soddin' chair. And I had smelt fear and anger, but mostly release. Then he had noticed, that I was watching him. Had been watching him sleep, had been watching him having those nightmares, had heard him sob and moan and was still watching him now, and the scent of embarrassment filled the room, and he blushed even while his face was already flushed.
'It's not the first time, pet. No need to be all humiliated about it. Won't blackmail you with it. Maybe threat you a bit, though.' I had tried to keep my voice steady and warm, smiled at him and there had been the tiniest hint of a twitch in the corner of his mouth. 'Just go back to sleep, I'll watch you.'

And could I have been any more pathetic? No, probably not. And he hadn't seemed to mind. He had just nodded, had turned around and had
probably tried to sleep. But I had known better, he hadn't been sleeping. His heartbeat had been too fast, his breath uneven and every now and then I had caught the slightest movement under the cover, as he had looked up to the basement-door.

'He's not at home.'

Damn! Hadn't I planned to leave him alone? Hadn't I planned not to tell him, as I had finally figured out, that his dad had beaten him when he had been a little boy? Hadn't I planned that I woudn't say anything, cause he would wonder, why I knew? Where had my thoughts been, while I had planned that? Oh well, probably with him in the shower. Hmmm, shower… no! Don't even go there!

'I know.'

The pillow-muffled voice had shaken me out of my fantasy. I would have thought, that he would try to find out, where I had my knowledge from or even deny everything. But he hadn't. 'Doesn't help, huh?' I had remained seated in my chair and he had remained with his face turned away from me.
'It's not that… he doesn't do it anymore. But sometimes it just comes back and…' he had shuddered and I hadn't been able to sit still any longer, so I had gotten up and had walked around the bed to be able to face him.

My legs were faster than my mind and when I had reached my goal I hadn't known, what to say, so I just looked at him. There were stains of tears on his cheeks and the fact, that he hadn't even bothered to wipe them away so I wouldn't see had made me smile. And this time he had smiled back for real. Then he had frowned, had looked down at the sheets and had blushed again. I found myself asking, if the boy used his blood-circulation for anything else and if the blood never got tired of rushing up and down. Beside, there hadn't been an obvious reason this time, so I had asked him, what the matter was.

He had fidgeted a bit while whispering 'Would you…' , 'Could you…'

A small gaze to the empty side of the bed and then back at me, and those brown eyes seemed even more vulnerable when he asked 'Would you stay?'
I hadn't been sure, if he really wanted this. Hadn't been sure, what his parents might say, if they came down. Hadn't been sure, if I really cared about it. And then I saw the hurt look in his eyes, cause he had thought, I would reject him. So I had simply nodded, stripped down to my jeans (if you wear jeans *that* tight you can't wear underwear and complete nakedness seemed a bit of a too big leap at the moment) and had gotten into bed next
to him. He had taken the pressure of deciding how much contact he might want away from me, as he snuggled closer. So I had put an arm around him, to make sure he knew, that I would be there, that I would hold him, and soon he had drifted off to sleep. I had spent most of the night listening to his heartbeat and breathing in his scent. The nightmares hadn't reappeared. (yay me!)

The next morning hadn't been so much of jumping and yelling than snuggling and… well, kissing. Although the latter had happened half asleep and had been more of a brushing of lips while stretching and yawning than anything else, but a drowning man takes pretty much everything that keeps him floating, doesn't he?

After the nightmares hadn't come back I took it for granted, that my need as 'care-giver' wasn't needed anymore, so you probably won't be surprised, that I had rolled myself up in the chair again the next night and that I hadn't quite understood the hurt look in the boys eyes.

'You don't want to…' and a helpless movement to the bed he had stood in front of.

'And you still want me…' same movement, from another place in the room, though.

'Just if you want to…' and another insecure look, this time directed at the floor.

'I thought you wouldn't want me anymore, after…'

'I do!' he had interrupted me. His outburst had been followed by another insecure look and a very secure blush this time.

'It's not like sleeping in the chair is very comfortable, anyway…'

'That it isn't…'

'So…?'

So it had become normal for me to sleep in Xander's bed and I can't actually tell when the sloppy good-morning snuggles had become groping and the half-hearted smacking had become actual kissing, but they had. And even more. I had forgotten how it felt to make love with a human. So hot. Scorching and warming at the same time. Devouring and innocent. And I'm sure between all the incoherent babbling like 'Yes' , 'Please' and 'Love that' there had also been 'love *you*'s, but I need him to know. To really know. That I have fallen for him head over heels. That I want to be with him, stay with him, as long as possible. I need to tell him,) that I love him. Face to face.

No post-climax babbling. No naked skin distracting us.

I took him out on a date. We went to see a movie, and I planned on telling him afterwards. It hadn't been my fault, that these fledges had come out of nowhere and had attacked us, had it? And yesterday he ate this chocolate-chips ice and ended up with half of it smeared around his mouth and the other half on his hands and it was so cu… no it wasn't, it was… God damn it, it *was* cute! There, I said it!

And I wanted to tell him right there and then, but then he went into the bathroom to wash his hands and I couldn't and… yes, I'm a coward. Official member of the chicken-club *and* treasurer of it, go figure.

That's why I made dinner today. We're going to eat. I'm going to say it. I'm going to get laid. Or he. Or both. Yeah, I vote for the third option. But first I need to get that done, first I need to tell him that… hmmmm, lips on my lips. What??^^

Spike opened his eyes and found himself close up with amused sparkling brown ones.

"Slept well?"

Xander gave Spike another peck on his lips and withdrew a bit.

Spike blinked once, twice, looked around the room, noticed, that it was dark outside and that the TV was turned off.

"I didn't sleep!" , he protested, as he got up from the sofa. His entire body hurt from sleeping ^^I *didn't* sleep!^^ in such an uncomfortable position.

"Uh-hu" Xander mocked him, then frowned. "What did you do up here, anyway?"

Spikes face lit up as he walked towards the kitchen.

"I made you dinner."

He turned around as he heard the mumbled "Oh, that's, what that was…" of Xander and a hint of panic flickered over his face.

"That's what *what* was?"

"I was already in the kitchen and there is something in a pot that's all shrivelled and kind of… funny looking. I told you, you fell asleep."

^^My dinner. My plan. Why do plans of mine never work out how they are supposed to? It's just not fair!!^^

Xander noticed the disappointment in the blonds face, and he raised a hand to cup his left cheek, forced the vampire to look at him and smiled.
"I really appreciate it. Honestly. What if you just try again tomorrow, huh?"

That earned him a deadly glare, a growl, and Xander chuckled.

"Look, I had a long day and I've already eaten anyway so… let's just go to bed, alright?"

That was, when Spike finally noticed, that Xander had already had a shower and was dressed in gym trousers and one of his sleeping-shirts.

^^Why does shower always lead to wet, which leads to slippery, which leads to me, with a hard-on? I'm worse than Pavlov's dog! Oh well, but we can help that now, can't we?^^

"Bed? Going to bed is always alright with me, luv."

Spike leered and wiggled his eyebrows in a more than suggestive-dirty manner.

Xander just smiled and shook his head.

"Hate to disappoint, but I'm not even up for that. I think I overexpanded a muscle or something at work. I hardly made it into the shower and up the stairs. Sorry."

^^Yeah, sure. Just repeat the shower-thing once more while telling me, we can't shag afterwards…^^

"Then I will have to help you into bed now, won't I?"

Spike smiled, put an arm around the waist of the taller man and started to guide him into the direction of the stairs.

A bit of stumbling and cursing later, they both had made it into bed.

Spike lay on his back, staring at the ceiling, one hand running through the thick curls of Xanders hair, who was curled up next to him, head on the blonde's chest.

^^I cleaned the room. I made his bed. I cooked him diner. I'm lying here with a terrible hard on while he is sleeping and even drooling a bit on my chest!^^

Spike looked down at the sleeping brunette and felt the sheepish smile reappear.

^^And I just can't bring myself to care. Not a lick. I've really fallen for him.^^ He sighed ^^And tomorrow, I'm going to tell him!^^

Spike slightly brushed his thumb down Xander's nose, around the soft lips and down over his chin.

"You know what? I love you. I love you more than anything ever before and I don't care if it is sappy to cook dinner for you, cause I love you. And I'll do it again tomorrow, if it is, what you want."

^^It's so easy when he's asleep and…^^

Spike felt the body on his own stir and if he would have been able to blush, he would have now. His hands froze in their action.

Xander raised his head, blinked, propped his chin up on the blonde's chest and smiled.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself, luv."

^^Don't ask him, don't ask him, don't^^

"How much have you heard?"

^^Damn!^^

"Only that you'll cook again for me tomorrow."

A wave of relief washed over Spike and he started the stroking and petting of Xanders hair again.

"Go back to sleep. You need to take care of that muscle so I can take care of *you*."

Spike leered at Xander who chuckled and snuggled into the crook of Spikes neck.

"Oh, and Spike?"

"Hm?"

The brunettes head reappeared in Spikes view, mischief sparkling in his eyes. He leaned forward, brushed his lips oh-so-lightly over Spikes and waited, till he opened his eyes again.

"I love you, too."

Chuckling Xander cuddled back into the vampires embrace and left a startled Spike stare at the ceiling.

Spike felt embarrassed, caught off guard, insecure and… good. Warm. Loved. Home.

^^Maybe I won't have to tell him tomorrow. Or maybe I'm going to tell him again tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow. And the day after that…^^

And with that he joined Xander in his sleep.

~Fin~