Truth Be ToldBy Mys
"I'm going to work. There's still some blood in the box. You can sleep some more or watch TV if you want. Passion's on at three."
Xander paused on his way to the kitchen, put the now empty glass of milk down in the sink and continued, frowning. "And the fact, that I know that shows that I spent much more time with you than it's good for me."
He took his coat from the back of the chair and smiled at the sleeping figure. Then went over to the backdoor of the basement. Before he opened the door he took a last look at Spike, knowing that the blond was awake and just faking sleep.
"I'll be back at five." And just a little more hushed he added. "I'd like it if you'd still be here when I come back."
Xander was out of the door and gone so fast that every vampire would have been proud of him.//Still feels like//
//Our first time together//Spike stayed silent and motionless for a few more minutes before he got up and walked over to the box with the remaining blood bags. He took one of the four that were still left and wanted to take one of the old pig blood bags from the fridge
//Feels like the first kiss//
//It's getting better baby//but as his eyes wandered through the room and finally landed on the unmade bed he put the bag he had been holding on top of the microwave and was across the room and climbing under the covers before he could question what he was doing.
The last warmth was just fleeing and left nothing but basement-cold covers. Covers that smelled of Xander.//No one can better this//
//Still holding on//Spike sighed and snuggled deeper into the covers, burying his face into the cushion where he could smell the soft and velvety smell of Xander's hair, wrapping the covers around him, where he could pick up the same, just a bit tangier sent of his body.
//You're still the one//
Xander was walking towards the videoshop he was now working in. He had lost his old job a week ago but gladly found this one shortly after. He didn't get paid very much but as always he wasn't planning on doing it for the rest of his life.
*Yeah, cause they're gonna fire you soon, anyway… Ok, let's stop the mourning and think more pleasant thoughts.*//First time our eyes met//
//Same feeling I get//He smiled as he thought of Spike. How he had been huddled up in his chair today, looking like… well, looking normal. Not at all like the monster he should look like.
*It would be so easy to fall in love with… ok, let's stop that now before we go to places we shouldn't go to…!*//Only feels much stronger//
//I wanna love you longer//*Let's think safe thoughts. Things like the eight hours of work I'm looking forward to. The rent I'll have to pay in three days before my parents kick me out. The blond who's waiting for me in… Ah! Stop it! We said 'safe'! That isn't safe at all!*
Xander sighed as he saw the shop he was working in coming in sight.
*Maybe a few thoughts of a certain blond aren't totally bad. Just to help me through this day. I mustn't forget to stop by that little shop I saw before I get home.*
And with a smile he entered the shop.//You still turn the fire on//
---
Spike turned onto his back, taking the pillow with him, crashing it onto his face.
^^What happened to all the plans I made? The promises to stay away. To forget him. To just keep him safe from a certain distance.^^
He lifted the pillow a bit and peered at the basement door.//So if you're feeling lonely, don't//
//You're the only love I ever want//^^I wonder what he's doing right now. Is he thinking of me? Did he mean it when he said he'd want me to be here when he gets back? Am I selfish if I want it, too? Do I care?^^
//I only wanna make it good//
^^I wouldn't really bite him, would I? Bloody hell, I sound like a sodding girl! I'm supposed to bite whoever I feel like biting. So why should it suddenly be so different with the whelp? It's not as if I like him, anyway.^^
//So if I love you a little more than I should//
^^Oh yeah, and denial will really help me figuring all this out.^^
With a groan Spike turned back onto his belly and stared at the headboard.//Please forgive me//
//I know not what I do//Just as he thought he was about to win the stare contest the phone rang. After debating whether he should go and pick it up or not he got out of bed with the ^^pathetic^^ thought that if he needed to tell the boy something he would at least have an excuse to stay in the basement.
He picked the phone up and answered with a "What the bloody hell do you want?" that would have made anyone who didn't know to value Spike's natural charm stutter an excuse and hang up again.
Apparently the caller was stunned into speechlessness cause there was no answer and Spike was about to hang up as the phone rang again.
Spike blinked, looked at the phone, blinked again and then slowly let his gaze wander around the room till he spotted the cell phone that was lying by the far wall.
He mumbled some unrepeatable things, picked it up, flipped it open and… stared.
^^Bloody hell, I've never had a cell phone. How am I supposed to… oj, the button with the green phone, right.^^
Good thing he already had cursed at the other phone so this one got away with nothing more than an annoyed "What?""Sp-Spike?"
"Whelp's working, whadya want, Red?"
"I thought he would have the phone - doesn't matter. Can you tell him something?"
"Am I his bloody answering machine?"
^^Am I just spoiling my excuse to stay here?^^
"What should I tell him?" he hurried to say, before Willow had the chance to change her mind."Buffy got attacked by a demon that was about to dig up some bones of a child. I mean how high is that on the ewww scale? And I found this boy on the bed with me after Percy called me a geek. I mean, he wasn't *in* bed with me, he was *on* the bed, and I was on the bed, and we both were on the bed but the thing is, he was dead and he head this sign scratched in his chest. The boy, not Percy. Oh, not that I've seen his chest but.. but Giles says it's another apocalypse and he doesn't know what exactly those demons are going to do or when or why. It's so exciting. Although after the first time it gets kinda boring, actually…"
Spike considered for a moment putting the phone down and going back to sleep or at least sit down somewhere to wait, till the rant was over, but Willow had stopped by the time he had decided to do so.
"Spike? Are you still listening?"
"Hardly."
A desperate "Bah, vampires!" could be heard before Willow sighed and said "Look, just come to Giles' when Xander gets home from work, ok?"
"Couldn't you have said that already when I picked up the phone?"
"What? Oh, whatever! Just be there."
And with that Willow disconnected the line.
"Yeah, sure. Whatever… six o'clock? - Watcher's living room. Now? - Bed!"
And with that Spike stumbled back into bed and with a heavy 'thud' crashed down on top of it, head buried once again in the pillow, tracking down the last smells of Xander.---
//Please forgive me//
//I can't stop loving you//"What?"
"Do you have any horror movies?"
Xander looked at a hardly 15-year-old youngster in front of him and pointed across the room where a big sign announced "Horror". As the boy wandered of without as much as a 'thanks' he sighed and slumped back into his chair.
"Life is so much easier if you can read." Xander mockingly taught the air in front of him with a raised finger before he shook his head and went back to what he had been doing before he got interrupted. Nothing.
Nothing and brooding which he wouldn't allow himself to do.//Don't deny me//
//This pain I'm going through//Xander didn't look up, as he searched for the right tape, exchanged the video-cases and handed it back to the boy. He didn't smile at him, like he had been taught to do when he took his money and he didn't wish him a nice day as he left the shop cause he was occupied concentrating on *not* pondering why Spike had left after their first night and why he was back now and why Xander wasn't angrier although he knew he should be. Yeah, Xander was so definitely not thinking about those things.
//Please forgive me//
//If I need you, like I do//In fact, Xander was so not thinking "non safe thoughts" that he missed Danny enter the Shop.
Danny was the one thing Xander was looking forward to each day of work.
The young man had come into the shop several times before, and Xander and he had always ended up talking about the different films, later about more casual things, and at one point Danny had more or less stopped coming because of the videos but just came around lunch time and spent midday with Xander. It wasn't one of those very close 'we can tell each other everything' friendships but it had become a nice break for Xander and he found himself ever so often looking forward to their talks.
"Hey!" Danny clicked his fingers in front of Xander's eyes to get him to focus on him. "Anyone here?""Hey man. Sorry. Didn't notice you."
"I figured. What were you dreaming about?"
"Stuff."
Danny hopped on the counter and leaned towards Xander. "A girl?"
Xander looked around the empty shop, stood up and came around the counter to stand next to Danny.
"Yeah, something like that."
Danny raised an eyebrow at Xander and Xander tried not to notice that it looked like the thing Spike always did. "Something like that? Means you're not sure if she's a girl or what?"
Xander grinned. There was no way he would explain his feeling for Spike to Danny.
Spike was a *man*.
Spike was a *vampire*.
Spike was… *Spike*!"Nah. It's just… complicated."
"Mmm-hm. Let me guess. Tall, slender, gorgeous… Blond of course and your problem is that… wait, no, there shouldn't be a problem." Danny grinned.
"Not so tall, actually, but you're right with the rest."
"So, what *is* the problem?"
"It's that I'm not sure how…" *don't forget that you're supposed to talk about a girl…* "I'm not sure if *she* likes me."
"Why shouldn't she?" And the casual way Danny said this made Xander feel a bit better about himself and he smiled.
"It's just that we never really liked each other. We always bitched and insulted each other and stuff like that. And suddenly it isn't like this anymore. It's like I woke up one morning and noticed that there's a real person in front of me and that I like that person. Don't get me wrong. I still want to kick him on a regular basis but… but after that I wan't to kiss it better." Xander looked up and smiled at Danny. "God, do I sound girly."
If Danny had noticed the slip, he made a good job in acting like he hadn't as he slapped Xander on the shoulder and squeezed it amicably. "Well. Since you seem to have your girly day today… why don't you talk with *her*?"
//Please believe it, every word I say is true//
The stress on the last word made Xander re-think what *exactly* he had just babbled but by the time he was ready to blush and let the Hellmouth swallow him, Danny had hopped from the counter and with a "Sorry, have to go back to work. See you tomorrow." and a last wave over his shoulder he was out of the door and gone.
"Talk?" Xander squeaked. "I'm a guy! I'm not supposed to… *talk*"//Please forgive me//
//I can't stop loving you//---
//Still feels like our best time together//
//Feels like the first touch//Xander took a deep breath before he pushed the door to his basement open and went in. He looked around the room, swallowed, panicked and was out again in less than five seconds.
"Oh my god!"
*Vampire in my bed. Good looking, sleep ruffled, gorgeous vampire in my bed. How the fuck am I supposed to *talk* if all my blood is rushing towards… ok, stop. This won't help. I'm supposed to talk. I can talk. I always talk. I even ramble when I'm thinking… why the hell did I think I would be able to *talk* with Spike?*//Still getting closer Baby//
//Can't get close enough//After another calming breath Xander turned around and opened the door again. He made a big show of kicking his shoes against the wall… Very. Loud. …before he threw his jacket over the chair, *accidently* knocking it over in the process.
*And what a good thing, I'm not about to make a complete idiot of myself.*
Carefully he put the package he had been carrying on the table.//Still holding on//
//Still number one//"What's the bleeding noise for, whelp?" the blond head *gah, sleep ruffled!* poked out of the sheets for a second before sinking back down. "If the world's apocalypsing again, wake me when it's over, 'k?"
"Sp-Spike?" *Oh yeah, that tremor says 'manly-man' like nothing else does. "What are you doing in my bed?"
//I remember the smell of your skin//
//I remember everything//Spike squeezed his eyes closed and thought for a moment about the possibility of Xander believing him, that he kinda "stumbled over his feet and fell into the bed and than asleep" but he had to agree with the ^^not bloody likely^^ his mind suggested so he went for nonchalance.
// I remember all your moods//
//I remember you, yeah//"Was tired, wasn't I? Figured you wouldn't mind." He shrugged. "Besides, I just remembered something. The world *is* apocalypsing again. Red called. Said something about a demon and a dead boy and Percy having "geek" written on his chest or such stuff. "
"Something happened to Willow?"
"Nah. Buffy got attacked. We should help with the researching, though" Spike got out of bed and moved over to pull on his shoes and the duster which lay next to the door. "Although I don't really know why Red would think I'd just come along and help for the sake of Justice or such crap."
Xander repressed the urge to point out that Spike was doing just that right now and decided to just nod.
"Well, then let's go and save the world. Again."
//I remember the nights, you know I still do//
As Spike was out of the door Xander looked back at the ruffled sheets and smiled a sad smile. Hey, if the world got sucked into hell, he at least wouldn't have to talk with Spike.
---
"I can't believe you almost helped to destroy the world." Xander mocked.
"Wasn't my fault. I was just helping. How should I have known that those three idiots were sacrificing themselves? Bloody stupid plan if you ask me."
"And you can hit demons, Spike." Willow cheered. "That means you can help us from now on."
Spike looked warily at the redheaded witch who was bouncing in front of him, still high from the apocalypse she just stopped. He wouldn't tell her that he had already found out the bit about the 'can hit demons part' while he protected the whelp from one of the minions of those creepy silent monsters but it felt kinda nice how she talked about him. As if he was part of the group. As if he belonged.
^^Nice, in a scary, big-bad-y way and why should belonging to those bunch of do-gooders be something good again??^^"Not bloody likely, Red." He snorted but Willow just smiled at Xander and after a hesitating moment Xander smiled back. The 'silent communication' thing gave Spike the creeps.
"Yes, Spike. Now that you're all noble and world-saving… wanna join the group?"
Xander chuckled and Willow burst out laughing as they saw the bewildered look on Spikes face, shortly covered by annoyance. They reached the path that led to the basement and stood there for a moment.
"So… Wills? Wanna watch a movie with us?"
Willow looked at Spike, and then gave Xander a long, pointy look, which made him squirm inwardly.
"Nah. I'll call it a night. I'm sure you two will find a way to "amuse" yourselves without me."
Xander could nearly see the quotation marks and he just *really* hoped Spike couldn't. Guessing by the smirk he received from Spike, Spike could.
*Damn!*"Erm, yeah, sure. Whatever. Then I'll see you tomorrow?"
They all said their goodbyes and Xander led on their way towards the basement.
//One thing I'm sure of//
//Is the way we make love//Spike went to heat some blood, throwing away the one that had been lying on top of the fridge all day without being cooled as Xander went to the bathroom to clean himself up.
For a long time Xander stared at the mirror and asked himself, if, what he was about to do was girly or already utterly stupid. With a deep sigh he shrugged, went back into the living room - slash - bedroom - slash - kitchen - slash - guest room *Just how much do I hate to live in this basement?* and picked up the package that was still lying lost on the table before he flopped down on the couch next to Spike.//One thing I depend on//
//Is for us to stay strong//Spike looked up at Xander over the mug of blood he was holding and then back at the TV. Whatever Xander was up to, he would find out sooner or later anyway.
"I stumbled across this on my way home and I thought you'd like it."
With that Xander shoved the package at Spike and made a big show of not looking anywhere else but the TV-screen.
Spike peered at Xander, back at the box, back at Xander and with a shrug started to unwrap his gift. Well, no. Normal people might unwrap their gifts, but what Spike was doing really could just be described as ripping it apart.
He took out the mug, perfectly similar to the one he had shattered the night before and carefully placed it on the table. Then he looked up at Xander.//In every word and every breath I'm praying//
//That's why I'm saying//*No way he's going to believe me that I "just stumbled across it". It took me three hours to remember where I've bought it from in the first place and why isn't he saying anything? Maybe I should look at him? Yeah, maybe I should just… and what if he laughs at me? What if I got it totally wrong and he really doesn't like me - "Why shouldn't she?" - yeah, why shouldn't *she*, indeed? It's not as if I'm completely un-likable and if he believes this it's his loss, not mine… And who exactly am I trying to convince?*
"Thanks, Xand."
Xander looked up and Spike smiled. One of those real smiles that made Xander's insides turn to goo in less than a second.
//Please forgive me//
//I know not what I do//"Why - " *Don't ask him, don't spoil it. Why don't I take what I have and be happy with it, I've been so good at that up to now, why do I have to go and ruin it all now?*
//Please forgive me//
//I can't stop loving you//"Why did you run away after… that night?"
There was no need to explain which night Xander meant, cause they both knew it.
Spike didn't look up, and Xander was glad, cause he thought that he wouldn't be able to face the blond, as he said: "What do you want Xander?
Explanations which you wouldn't understand? Promises which I can't hold? Heartbreak and loss which is bound to happen?"//Don't deny me//
//This pain I'm going through//"Why wouldn't I understand? You didn't even try!" But before Spike could say anything Xander continued, "No, I don't understand, you're right. I don't understand you. I don't understand what you're up to or what role I'm supposed to play in this plan of yours but I'm not willing to be a part of it anymore. I don't know why kissing me and leaving me afterwards gives you but I know what it gives me. It gives me pain. It damn well hurts!"
Spike was still staring at the mug on the table as he mumbled "S'no plan. Kissed you cause I like you."
"Then why?"
"I tried to bite you for fucks sake!" Spike jumped up and started to pace the room. "The night we… as I slept in your bed with you I dreamt. And I woke up and was mouthing your neck and I panicked. There, I said it. I was scared I would hurt you. William the Bloody is scared of hurting a human. Did you ever hear anything that bloody stupid?"
//Please forgive me//
//If I need you like I do//"William the Bloody running away instead of opening his mouth and saying something?"
Spike spun around to face Xander who had moved behind the couch and was standing closer to Spike than the blond liked.
"Don't you get it? I tried to bite you. Feed on you. Turn your probably. God knows what that demon of mine had in mind."
"But you didn't."
"Just because I couldn't.""Is that true?"
Spike eyed Xander uncertain and if he had seen the light tremble in the human's fingers he would have thought that Xander was completely sure of what he was saying.
^^He isn't trying to convince me. He's trying to get me to convince him.^^
And Xander confirmed Spike's assumptions with the lightly 'forced to sound calm'- question that followed."Would you do it? Would you bite me, Spike?"
//Please forgive me//
//I know not what I do//And before he noticed what he was doing, Spike shook his head.
"I wouldn't."The breath Xander let out was almost comically loud but neither of them was in a mood to laugh.
"But I nearly did. That night… I don't know if the chip would have zapped me or not, I wasn't exactly conscious and aware of what I was doing and I could have drained you in your sleep without…" - "But you didn't."
"But I *could* have!"
"Do you think I don't know what you are? Do you think I'm stupid?"//Please forgive me//
//I can't stop loving you//Spike shook his head, silenced by the outbreak of the youth.
"Do you think I don't know that I could get killed each time I throw myself into another battle with Buffy? Each time I have to help with a spell of Willow? Each time I patrol with you? I'm aware of those things but that's my life. Yeah, I could turn my back on it. Pretend there is no evil in Sunnydale. Pretend I'm not living on the Hellmouth. Pretend I don't have to fight evil to stay alive. I could become one of all the others who ignore everything that goes on around them and wait till it gets me. Or I could have a normal life and get hit by a bus while crossing the street. I chose this! I didn't choose to fall in love with you but it happened and I'm not going to pretend it isn't real just because you're a vampire. Hell, I've nearly been eaten by my teacher and still thought she was hot. Before she got all insect-y of course. Try and top that, fangless."Spike just stood there and stared. And Xander waited. And waited. And started to get uncomfortable.
"I didn't mean to make you close down on me completely. If you didn't notice that was your sign to either tell me to fuck of or that you're..." *In love with me, too? Yeah, sure…* "…or that you feel something for me."
//Don't deny me//
//This pain I'm going through//"I don't…Look.."
One would think you can't notice your heart break after it had happened so many times. You'd think you get kinda immune to it but when it happens for real, you can still feel it, and Xander felt it. Hard.
He swallowed, nodded and turned to go to his bed as Spike tried again.//Please forgive me//
//If I need you like I do//"I didn't mean to. I never wanted to feel something for you. Vampires and humans just don't fit. I've seen Dru try it. She had so many pet-humans during her un-life and she got so attached to them and then they just died and each time I had to be there to pick her up."
Spike sighed and slowly Xander turned back around.
"Vampires are for eternity and humans… humans aren't. You're supposed to find yourself a nice girl, marry her, invite your family to show what a great catch you made, have children and grow old. It's what you do."
Slowly Xander overcame the distance between them.
"I'm supposed to kill, feed, travel, be restless and don't let myself get attached to something cause the world around us changes while we vampires stay the same. Always."
Spike spun around and suddenly Xander was standing in front of him ^^kiss distance^^ and he had to force the last few words out cause suddenly he wasn't so sure anymore that he really wanted to say them."You'll find someone else. Someone you can have a family and grow old with. You'll forget about me and that's good."
"I don't want to."//Please believe it every word I say is true//
And with that Xander tilted his head and softly kissed Spike. A slow, short, closed mouth kiss. Not driven by desire, want, longing or passion but by love. And the same sparkled in Xander's eyes as he leaned back and looked at Spike and the vampire felt all the walls he had built up so sincerely crumble around him and he remembered that he was hot-tempered, unreasonable and rushed. And up to now he had had a bloody good life being like this.
"Bollocks this. I do love you Xander. I do."
And Xander wanted to laugh in relief but Spike was crushing his warm body against his own, a pale hand was cradling dark hair and Spike pressed Xander tighter against him as he devoured his lips. Spike's mouth was cool, his tongue was cool and Xander opened his mouth and let Spike kiss him. Let Spike's tongue set of all kind of warm feelings on Xander's skin. In his belly. In his heart.
Xander could feel his pulse pounding in his whole body. He was hot and cold and he wanted to touch Spike. Wanted to stroke and cherish every pale patch of skin he could find and he tugged on Spike's cloth and in a tangle of limbs they collapsed on the bed.
Spike smelled like leather and tasted like blood and like smoke and something like love. And Xander smiled and could feel Spike smile against his lips and it was good. For now, it was good.//Please forgive me//
//I can't stop loving you//
~Fin~