Still

By Merzibelle

LYRICS: Still by Brian McKnight

Of all my male caretakers, he's the one I like best. Next to my dad, of course. I was hungry and needed changing, so of course I put up a fuss. He never minds doing things for me. Thinks I'm adorable, though I thought he meant one of my 'aunts'. He picked me up, cuddled me close and headed off to his office. Aunt Cordelia keeps my changing things there, and Uncle Wesley was efficient in changing me as he always is; however, I wanted food, so I still fussed.

Uncle Lorne, odd fellow that he is, came in then. He presented Uncle Wesley with my bottle. Stayed, too; maybe now I can find out why Uncle Wesley's been so sad since they left me behind with Uncle Lorne to go out. I want to know. I watched as Uncle Lorne pretended to disappear, but I could just see him beyond Uncle Wesley. I mean, who could miss him; he's a bright fellow.

I settled in to eat, my little hands trying to grasp the bottle, and stared up at Uncle Wesley. Maybe he'd talk to me, since I definitely couldn't tell anyone a word he said. I hoped he'd trust me. He was my favorite uncle. I never spit up on him like I do Daddy. I was surprised when after burping me, he kept holding me. He sat in that creaky chair and started singing along with the radio. Uncle Wesley has a nice voice when he tries, all soft and fuzzy. It was hard to keep my little eyes open, but I think that was the point. I took one last look. Yes, Uncle Lorne's still there. I can sleep now.

I know it's hard to believe
you're still the biggest part of me
all I'm living for

Lorne watched from the shadows as Wes cuddled little Connor close to his chest. Moving carefully, as quietly as he could possibly manage, Lorne crept closer to where Wes sat. He could just hear Wes singing to the baby, but that really didn't matter as he was definitely seeing his aura now as the other man relaxed. Compared to the last time Wes had sung for him, this was heavenly.

How he managed to keep from saying anything as he watched, Lorne never knew. All he could think of was the pain that Wes' aura showed, the anguish that the young Englishman felt. He wondered about it for a few moments, then it suddenly became clear, like he had been hit with a bolt out of the blue. Fred. It always came back to the girl.

Lorne turned his head as a soft laugh echoed in the room, followed by a spat of girlish giggles. Through the glass between the office and the lobby, he could see Gunn twirling Fred around him as the girl clung to him. A choked-off break in Wes' singing confirmed that the other man saw them as well, saw the tender kiss that Gunn bestowed on Fred and, most definitely, saw her respond to the kiss. Lorne sighed, deeply, torn between duty and friendship.

It's hard to breathe when we're apart
you're like sunshine in my heart
I keep you here inside
you've been everything to me
you've been and always will be
the apple of my eye

Wesley tore his gaze from the office window, returning his attention to the baby. Connor slept the sleep of the innocent. For a brief moment, Wes allowed himself to dream. . . dream that it was his child he held. The child that he wished he shared with Fred. It was an easy dream to have while holding Connor, for the baby had been graced with blue eyes and dark curls. Heaving a sigh of his own, he tilted his head back to rest against the back of the chair. "There's no need to lurk about, Lorne. I know you're there." He said quietly.

"How did…" Lorne started, only to be interrupted.

"Years of practice," Wes said calmly. "I learned very young to not let my guard down. It's a rare person who can sneak up on me. So far only Angel's really managed it for any length of time."

Wes considered the child in his arms, sleeping so peacefully. For another long moment he allowed himself to dream, dream that it was his child he'd been singing to sleep. It was so easy to do that. Connor had inherited his daddy's dark hair and his mother's blue eyes. Shaking off the images, he returned his attention to Lorne. "You know?"

Wes' quiet question caught Lorne off guard. "About. . . " Lorne gestured toward the lobby behind him, where Fred and Gunn were still kissing.

"Yes," Wes stated, his voice flat and emotionless. "I don't want to know, Lorne. Never want to know." Wes turned away from the window, turning his gaze onto the baby and kissing Connor's forehead gently. "I don't care what you saw."

"But you and she. . . "

"What? Were meant to be?" Wes shook his head, rising carefully with Connor in his arms, heading toward the office door to place the baby in his bassinet for a nap. "Fate has conspired against me one time to many, Lorne. I don't believe in hopeless dreams anymore." Wes bowed his head, watching the lobby for several long moments through his lashes.

"Maybe I can. . ." Lorne started to speak and was silenced by Wes' negative headshake.

"Never a word. To me or them." Wes spoke now with conviction. "Never a word. I truly don't want to know." With that parting shot, Wes left the office, not waiting for an answer. "She's happy. That's all that matters. Leave it alone, Lorne."

I still want you
and need you by my side
I'm still mad about you
all I ever wanted was you
you're still the one

Lorne contemplated what he had learned from Wesley. Duty compelled him to do just what Wes had told him to, to never tell. But his heart, far more human than many of his race, wanted to help his friend find the happiness he deserved. Lorne rose to his feet, turning to watch the lobby. From his vantage point, he saw Wes straighten from laying Connor in his bassinet to watch Fred and Gunn, now cuddled on the couch while talking.

He watched the feelings reflected in Wes in that long unguarded moment--jealousy, rage and a hopeless love--all obvious now that Lorne knew what to look for. However, the thing that surprised Lorne, made him want to go rail at the fates for their slip-up, was the way that Wes suddenly and completely hid everything, every trace of feeling of any kind.

Lorne knew, with a sudden certainty, that he would never, never tell Wes what he had seen. Wes, alone and lonely, would live, but if he ever expressed his feelings to Fred, told her the things well hidden in his heart, then he would die--horribly and painfully, all for her, out of a love she didn't return. No, in the end, it was better this way, that Wes didn't know at all.

~Fin~