To Live Without You

By Merzibelle

Shock, dismay, all that ran through me as I returned from fighting off the demon. I just couldn't believe what I saw, the woman I loved in the arms of another man. And if that wasn't enough she was kissing him, the way I wished she'd kiss me. I felt my heart break in that moment and turned away, dragging the sword she'd tossed me along the floor. Once out of their sight, it fell from my suddenly numb hand, clattering to the floor, and I soon followed it, dropping to my knees.

Memories, not just my own, ran rampant through my mind, vivid images of her in his arms, angering me. All I wanted to do was snatch that sword from the floor, stalk back to them and drag her away from him, sliding the sword between his ribs, eliminating my competition for her affections. I could almost feel the blade penetrating his flesh and it was only the feel of the cold steel hilt in my hand that kept me from doing it.

Somehow, I managed to shake the urge off. Rising from my knees with the sword in my hand and turning to rejoin Fred and Gunn, I overheard Cordy's rushed explanation of what happened to them and used it as a way of downplaying what I was feeling. How could I possibly tell them that I understood exactly where the Count was coming from, that in a way I sympathized with him? I knew not just what he'd done but how to do it. I even had the skill, if I wanted to barter my soul with the darker powers.

I saw Fred's look, her suddenly wide eyes and embarrassed blush. I knew that she knew that I had seen them, was using the situation to cover my own feelings of betrayal. I'm sure she recognized my tone for I did, the flat, almost dead tone of voice that I had used when stalking her through the Hyperion's deserted corridors. I gave the necessary orders to the team, setting up a way for Angel to get back to reality, to end the ballets' suffering and releasing us.

Trust Cordy to think of the obvious, placing ourselves in a corner so that we couldn't be surrounded. I tightened my grip on the sword, watching as Cordy tossed a dagger to Gunn while grabbing a sword of her own. Fred picked up a discarded sword off the floor, dashing across the space beside Gunn. As we got into the corner, I grabbed Gunn's arm stopping him. Nodding toward Fred, I told them to stay close together that I'd take point. From Gunn's expression, I knew that he understood, I couldn't be happy for them but would allow Fred to believe that I could.

Yes, I can manage Cordelia. I wanted to tell her that so badly, tell her that I was very much in a killing mood yet how could I. How could I tell Cordelia that I was feeling the cold edges of jealous rage? No, better to channel it into something useful, an outlet of some kind.

It was only later, much later, that I allowed everything to coalesce while watching them stare at each other in my office. Gunn's silly remark about 'what pain' while staring into Fred's wide eyes caused her to smile whimsically and for me to ache with the knowledge that I had waited too long to tell her how I felt. I knew, as she turned towards me, that I was going to be subjected to a detailed recall of everything that happened between them, just as she had recounted her 'date' with Angel months ago. I was never so glad to hear Cordy's cry of Groo's name, the distraction of him being there providing a welcome relief to the prospect of trying to be happy for Fred.

No, Fred, you are right. You never can tell who was meant to be together. I thought that you were meant for me, that finally the fates would allow me to have the happiness I had been denied for so very long. No, it seems that Cordelia was partially correct, Angel and I are meant to be alone. I lost Cordy, Virginia, and now you. I shall not try again, for you were everything I lived for and now you're gone. Somehow I'll manage to survive, see that you have your happiness, even if it breaks my heart to do so.

~Fin~