You Were Meant For MeBy Mys
// I hear the clock, it's 6am//
// I feel so far away from where I've been//Xander winced as he heard the alarm-clock beep. He didn't want to get up, didn't want to go to work. He felt like he had spent the whole night cowering somewhere, his thighs were sore and his back ached. Then he remembered.
He *had* spent the whole night cowering somewhere. Well, not somewhere, but in Spikes room, holding the blond's trembling body in his arms, trying to calm his sobs and agonized moans.
He shuddered at the memory, then got up to call in sick for work. He didn't know what was going to happen now but he wouldn't let Spike to face it all alone by himself.Xander went to the kitchen and started preparing himself breakfast.
// Got my eggs, and my pancakes too//
// Got my maple syrup, everything but you //*His door's still closed, so he's probably still asleep.*
Xander strained his ears but couldn't hear anything that would prove something else, so he got back to preparing breakfast, waiting for Spike to wake up.
// I hear the clock, it's 6am//
// I feel so far away from where I've been//Spike was awake since he had heard the alarm clock-sound coming from the next room. He remained silent, enjoying the warmth of the mattress and the blanket that was wrapped around him.
// I break the yolks and make a smiley face//
// I kinda like it in my brand new place //Spike could hear Xander working in the kitchen and lay still, waiting for the human to go to work.
He always did. Against his nature he woke up each morning at the same time Xander did (if he had slept at all the night before) and listened to him, taking his shower, preparing himself breakfast and finally leaving for work.
Normally Spike was sad. He didn't like being alone all day. The voices were louder when there was no one at home, making noises to chase them away.
^^Home? When has this become my home? Oh well, I don't have to think about that much longer because he will surely kick me out after last night.^^
He snorted, then froze in his movement, waiting for any sign that Xander had noticed that he was awake. There was nothing and Spike relaxed again.---
Xander was sure he had heard something coming from Spike's room but after he had waited several minutes and still noticed no further signs he decided he could as well take a short shower while waiting for Spike.
He walked over to the front door, unlocked it and pulled the keys out. He put them in the pocket of his coat that was hanging next to it on a coat hook and then went to the bathroom.// I wipe the spots off of the mirror//
//Don't leave the keys in the door//*I can't jail him like some wild animal. If he wants to leave he can do that whenever he likes. I can try to make him feel better. I can be there for him. But only if he wants me to. I won't force him.*
With this Xander closed the door to the bathroom, louder than needed, to make sure, Spike would hear it.
He turned on the hot water and started to undress while the water warmed up.
He stared at his reflection in the mirror. That was exactly how he had found Spike when he had got home yesterday. Just that in Spike's case no one had stared back at him.Spike had taken another shower.
*Only God knows how often he had showered that day*
.and had still been naked and dripping as he had stared at the mirror and had chanted hushed 'so dirty, so dirty'.Xander shook his head and his reflection followed suit. He had been shocked by the condition the vampire had been in. He had never seen him like this.
*Or maybe I've never wanted to see. It's not like this has been the first time Spike has stared vacantly into the room, and the shower-thing? That had been going on since he had moved in.*Xander hadn't known what to do, but he automatically tried to talk to Spike in a, as he hoped, soothing voice, to not startle him with his sudden appearance. He had wrapped a towel around the smaller man's trembling body and he had stroked the grown out, unruly hair out of his face and behind his ear. Xander had repeated the caressing gesture until Spike had finally focused on him.
'Hey Blondie. Look at me. Everything will be fine. I'm here now.'
Spike had shaken his head and had whispered. 'It won't. They won't go away. Why won't they go away?'Xander had once again tears in his eyes as he remembered the look on Spike's face. He could have dealt with anger, panic, rage. but there had only been deep sadness and confusion.
Those brilliant blue eyes had been dark and wet of tears Spike couldn't cry anymore.
Xander blinked, focused again, then wiped the condensed steam off the mirror and got into the shower. The hot water relaxed his tense muscles and he finally calmed down a bit.---
Every part of Spike's body tensed as he heard the keys being turned in the lock.
^^Is he finally going to go to work?''
But then he heard naked feet tap their way back to the bathroom.
^^Did he lock or unlock the door? Does he want to make sure that I don't go away or does he want me gone?^^
Spike turned around and stared at the still closed door, listening to the faint heartbeat coming from the bathroom.
A few weeks ago the sound would have made him edgy, angry over the fact that he couldn't kill anymore. Yesterday it had calmed him down.'Tell me, what I can do, to make it go away. Spike? You with me? Come on, look at me.'
Spike had turned away. He hadn't wanted to see what he thought he had seen in those eyes. He didn't deserve that someone cared for him. He wasn't worthy. *They* kept telling him and they were right.Xander had put a hand under his chin and had forced the blond to look at him. Spike's eyes had darted around the bathroom but finally focused on the brunette. He had noticed that a towel was wrapped around his body and that he had stopped trembling but that wasn't important. It wasn't important that he felt good. They had told him so. He deserved to suffer.
'All those voices, they won't leave me alone. I can't take it anymore.'
After that Spike had latched himself onto Xander who had run insecure hands circling over his shoulder blades, not sure what to do, but sure that he *had* to do something.Spike buried his head in the blankets.
^^As if it hadn't been embarrassing enough to plead and whine, no, I also had to snort into his shirt^^
He winced.
^^I'll never be able to face him again. At least he cared enough to open the door and hide in the bathroom so I could run away with the last bit of pride I still have. Or maybe he had locked the door to make sure I woudn't run away and he could mock me about it.^^
Spike had to know, so he got up and approached the door, listening for any sounds coming from the outside. The water was still running and the faint heartbeat was steady so he got up, dressed rapidly, slung his coat over one arm
^^Just in case^^
and opened the door carefully.
He searched the room although he knew Xander was still in the bathroom. As fast and still silent as he could he crossed the room aiming for the front door.
He tripped over something and nearly fell.
Cursing voicelessly he picked the piece of cloth up from the spot next to his door and saw that it was the towel Xander had wrapped him in last night.
^^Make that pleaded, winced, sobbed and put to bed naked by a human. Making yourself a complete idiot? Check.^^
A sudden rush of prejudice and embarrassment made him hurry to the front door once more. He put his hand on the doorknob and paused.
^^Closed or open? Stay or go?^^
He wished the door was open so he wouldn't have to stay. At the same time he wished it was closed so he wouldn't have to go.
^^Undecided much? Just try it.^^
He turned the knob, it gave a small click sound but the door remained closed.
^^Fuck.^^
Then he turned the knob some more and the door slipped open.
^^Fuck.^^
He looked at the twisted towel between his hands and sighed. He was about to throw it back at the floor when he remembered that it all had started with that. The wet towels on the floor had led Xander to the bathroom. To him. That's why he had to go now. He sighed, put the towel over his arm too, draped the duster over it and made his way to the sewers after a last regretful look towards the bathroom door.//Never put wet towels on the floor anymore 'cause//
---
//Dreams last so long//
//Even after you're gone//
//I know, that you love me//
//And soon you will see//
//You were meant for me//
//And I was meant for you//---
Xander had heard the door to Spike's room being opened. He had heard the hushed cursing, he had heard the front door being opened and after a short pause, what he thought was insecure hesitating, being closed again.
He had turned off the taps and was now leaning on the sink, once again concentrating on his reflection.
*That's what I wanted right? I wanted to give him the chance to go if he wanted to go. So he did. No biggie.*
Xander sighed, finished towelling himself and walked into his bedroom, not without checking if Spike was really gone. The sight of the empty mattress and the crumpled covers made him wince again so he hurried over to his own room.//Called my friend, she was out for a walk//
*Maybe I should call Buffy and tell her that he's gone. Just in case she would want to know. Or sees him somewhere. Not at all so she can bring him back, mind you.*
After he buttoned his pants and pulled a shirt over his head he walked back to the living room and picked up the phone. After the third ring tone he broke the connection and put the phone down.
*She's surely working. I should be as well. And what would I say to her anyway? Sorry, but I think a stray vampire is somewhere out there? Yeah, sure.*//Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk//
Xander walked back to the kitchen where his pancakes had dried out in the pan cause he had forgotten about them while he had showered.
"Great!"
*Not that I'm hungry, anyway.*
He threw the remains of his breakfast into the trash, took a cup of coffee and sat down in the living room.
"So. I'm all alone again, huh?"
He looked around the room and noticed that for the first time in a long while he was alone. Well, there had been the short time between Anya moving out and Spike moving in but so many things had happened between those events, he hadn't really had time to notice. But now? With his day off and no one to talk to? He felt lonely and the place seemed emptier than usual. He raised his mug up on eyelevel and asked in a childish voice: "And what do you want to do today?"//Picked up a paper, it was more bad news//
He sighed, put the mug down on the table and mumbled. "Yeah, I don't want to do anything, either."
He leaned back in his chair and took yesterday's newspaper which was still lying on the table next to the chair. He didn't really concentrate on reading it. It wasn't like there would be different news than the usual ones.//More hearts being broken or people being used//
He just needed something to distract himself from thinking about Spike. What he was doing right now. And although it was cloudy outside, it was still daytime. would Spike get back safe? And where would he go to anyway? The basement? His crypt? Overseas again? It's not like he really had somewhere to go. He will probably come back sooner or later, hopefully he won't hurt himself till he does.
*And those thoughts are so not helping to fulfil the whole 'not thinking about Spike'-plan.*---
Thanks to the duster and the 'sun-allergic-demon'-friendly position of Xander's apartment Spike had made it into the sewer without much more than a bit of steam curling up from his body. He sat down in a not-so-wet spot of the sewer, pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms protectively around himself.
^^And what now? It's not like I can go somewhere. I mean, it's cloudy enough and it looks like it will start to rain soon so it's not very likely that the sun will come out again today, that's not the problem. But even if the sun comes out when I'm outside, will it matter?^^
"It won't. You're worthless, and you know it. Don't act all holy, just because you have a soul now. You already had a soul once before. You have been worthless anyway."
"Cecily?" Spike looked around, tried to follow the voice he heard but couldn't find it.
"Nowhere to go, nowhere to be. Poor little helpless vampire who can't even bite. did your pet human kick you out?"
A laugh like broken silver bells that followed those words caught Spike's attention and he turned around to see the girl he had loved for over a hundred years. She was beautiful as always.
"Dru?"
"My poor little boy. did you really think you could act all human just because you have a *soul* now?" She spat the word out as if it was poisoned.
"I didn't get my soul back to be human, I."
"You what? Did you really think the blond bitch would love you? She never did. She never will." Drusilla turned her head as if she was listening to something, then looked back at Spike.
"I'll always love you."
She kneeled down next to him and put a finger over his lips,
"Shh.Don't say anything now. You took care of me when I was weak. Now I'll take care of you."
She smiled and her eyes flickered yellow. Spike just stared at her.
"I'll kill for you and I'll feed you, and after I've convinced you that your chip is worthless I'll let you do the same for me." She looked up at the wet sewer-ceiling. "And we can even get daddy to join us. We'll be family again."
"No! We can't. I'm not the same anymore." Spike let his head drop down on his knees.
"Oh yes, you are." the voice changed, got deeper and darker and the sound of the first raindrops falling on the ground made perfect back vocals for it.
"Do you think I let my girl turn you because I wanted a pet-vamp in my family? Not very likely."
Spike looked up, and whispered brokenly: "Angelus?"
"Angel? Angelus? Does it matter? I don't know why everyone still believes a soul makes a difference. Humans have souls and they are still bastards, so why shouldn't we be?"
Spike shook his head but didn't dare to oppose the older vampire. Angelus eyed him waiting for any protest and in the silence they could both hear the rain outside increase before Angelus spoke again.
"I see you have learnt your lesson. Took you long enough to learn not to speak up against me. You're annoying and worthless but you're family. I care for my family, and I won't let anyone corrupt you to think you can be good. A soul doesn't make you good."
Spike buried his head in his hands again, he couldn't take any more of this craziness. Didn't want to see or hear what would come next. He had expected to hear her, but, still, the voice cut like a knife in his heart as the female voice coming from above him said: "You got a soul for me?" the blonde girl mocked in a sing-sang voice and he shuddered. He knew the process, knew it would be over soon. If he ignored Buffy, or the thing that looked like Buffy, it would be gone in a few minutes and he would be alone again and the only thing he had to deal with would be the memory of her. of this.of them, of the people he loved, telling him, how worthless he was.
"The Big Bad is in town, watch out or he stalks you to death." Her voice became soft and tender "cause it's not like you have any other ways to kill someone, right?" he felt her hand brushing over his hair and flinched at the touch. The sewer was silent, and Spike let a breath out. It was over. They would be back but for now it was over.
"Right, fangless?"
Spike froze in place, peered up and saw him hovering above him, staring down at the vampire with disgust written over his face.
"Xander?" he whispered. As the brunette only smiled an evil smile, Spike got out of his shock and scrambled to his feet. "You're not true. You're not real. Get away from me."
Spike started to back away, one hand holding the duster, the other placed on the wet dripping sewer wall so he wouldn't crush into it, his eyes fixed on Xander. On the thing that was shaped like Xander. The thing that was grinning at him.
Finally Spike could tear his eyes away, turn around and stumble out of the sewer. He didn't care for sunlight at the moment, and apparently there was something mightier that cared for soul-having vampires cause it was still raining outside and the sun was nowhere to be seen.
Spike slung his duster loosely over his shoulders and half ran, half dragged himself away from the sewer opening towards the more crowded part of Sunnydale. He still had to get somewhere to hide in case the sun reappeared suddenly.
^^Not that I care but.^^//Put on my coat in the pouring rain//
Spike turned around and stood in front of the cinema.
^^Dry, loud, lot's of people, a stupid movie, something to forget what just happened. seems perfect.^^
He shrugged, searched his coat pockets for money and threw the trashed bills on the counter. The young girl looked at Spike warily but didn't dare to say something so she just handed him a ticket and motioned him to go inside.//Saw a movie it just wasn't the same//
Once inside he shook his head and raindrops fell to the ground. As Spike shuddered it went through his whole body and made him look like a wet kitten. Then he turned towards the entrance to the one cinema where the film had already started and sat down in the back row. He pulled his coat tighter around himself although it was as wet as his cloth and rocked slightly back and forth.
^^It wasn't real. I should have learnt it by now. It's the same, day after day. Night after fuckin' night.^^
He looked up to see the movie, trying to distract himself. He had no clue what he was watching, but he knew that it would at least go on for two hours and till then the sun should have gone down.
On the screen was a blond girl arguing with a mid-twenty brunette and Spike found himself once again thinking about Xander and the events of the last night.
It had all started as it had before in the sewer but it hadn't stopped after Buffy as it normally did.
Xander hadn't been there, either.
But voices of the people he had killed had been and he hadn't been able to shut them out. He had heard their voices inside his head, talking to him, telling him to see what he was, what he had done. How he had torn his soul to pieces with each body he had killed and that he would never manage to put those pieces back together.
The demon and the soul were fighting inside him and Spike had tried to explain that his soul couldn't be blamed for what his demon had done but they had just laughed at him. Had asked him why they couldn't see his soul if it was so powerful inside him now. So that had been the reason why he had stared into the mirror but he couldn't see himself. Physically he still appeared to be a normal vampire. He himself would never see the spark in his eyes that gave him away to the other demons. Spike had stared at his non-reflection for a small eternity to see the spark he had gone to find. The spark he had fought for.
Fighting for it had nearly gotten him killed him in Afrika and last night he had wished one of those things he had won against had just fulfilled its task how it should have. But none of them had.
The voices had laughed at him. Laughed at him. He, who had always been so proud of what he was. And now his existence was slowly driving him insane.
And then, Xander had been there. Had talked to him. Had made the voices disappear. Had wrapped him up in a towel and guided him to bed. Had watched over his sleep.
As the blonde girl in the movie laughed a too high pitched laughter tears were falling down Spikes cheeks and as the man walked towards her and embraced her tenderly Spike cuddled into the seat, shaking with silent sobs, and wrapped his arms tight around himself.//'Cause it was happy and I was sad//
//It made me miss you oh so bad//---
//Dreams last so long//
//Even after you're gone//
//I know, that you love me//
//And soon you will see//
//You were meant for me//
//And I was meant for you//---
//Brush my teeth and put the cap back on//
Xander stood in the bathroom and stared once again at the mirror as he rinsed his tooth-brush out under the cold jet of water.
The sun had set hours ago and Spike hadn't come back till now.
*I don't even know if he's still alive. And I would never know if he still was cause there would be nothing left of him.*
He tried to push the thoughts away, cleaned the sink, put his toiletries away and left the bathroom.
*Why did I think he would come back anyway?*
He sat on the couch, considered watching some TV so he wouldn't have to think about those things, even picked up a book and read a few lines but his thoughts always wandered back to the blond vampire no matter what he did, so Xander decided to just go to bed and try to sleep.//I know you hate it when I leave the light on//
As he walked past Spike's room,
*And why do I keep calling it *his* room? He made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to stay here by walking away, didn't he?*,
he couldn't help but go inside, close the curtains, switch the lamp on the nightstand off and pull the cover a bit down uncovering half of the mattress as if Spike was just about to get into bed.//I pick up a book and Turn the sheets down and//
Xander had stopped to question his actions since he had made Spike's bed this morning and had gone to the butcher afterwards to fill up the stock in his fridge. Now he stood in the middle of the bedroom and tenderly stroked over the place where he had put down Spike the night before.
//Take a deep breath and a good look around//
He sighed heavily and left the room to go to bed. He listened for every movement, any sound coming from outside. He hurried to pull the pyjama-shirt over his head so he wouldn't miss any other sound just because the cloth rustled and after he had done that, he walked once again into the living room to make sure that he hadn't missed anything.
*He's gone, just get it and get over it.*//Put on my pj's and hop into bed//
Xander felt like shit as he lay down onto the mattress and covered himself. He had the urge to stay awake, to wait for the blond to come back, to make sure that he was alright. At the same time he felt silly for caring, felt silly for feeling like this, just because Spike had a soul now.
*No, not just because he had a soul now. Because he had gone through whatever horrible scenario he won't tell us to get one, and because it is driving him insane.*
Fidgety, Xander turned onto his back and watched the ceiling.
*Everyone makes such a big fuss about Angel having a soul and everything. But he was cursed. He didn't have a choice. And the moment he had lost it the only thing he wanted to do was kill. Spike had smothered that urge before he had his soul to help us. Ok, mostly to be there for Dawn, but still. And we treated him like shit without seeing that he had changed, so he felt the need to prove to us that he could change. Although he already had.*//I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead//
---
Spike shifted his weight from one foot to the other, staring at the door knob, trying to convince himself to get in. Xander wouldn't throw him out. Or, he hoped, that Xander wouldn't. But going back would mean he was asking for help. Would mean he needed the whelp. Would mean he couldn't handle things by himself.
//I try and tell myself it'll be all right//
He lifted his hand just to let it fall down again.
^^My stuff isn't lying in the corridor, right? He hasn't thrown everything out to show me that I can stay where I took off to.^^
He winced and jumped as a door behind him closed with a sudden crash.
^^Well, probably because I don't really have stuff. But that isn't the point, the point is.^^
He looked up and down the corridor, trying to think of anything that would either convince him to run away again or get in.
^^The bloody point is, that I still have a shirt in there, and that I can damn well get it now. And while I'm in I can as well stay over night cause that's the only time I could run away and when it's day again I'll be stuck in his apartment and.^^
"Oh, bugger this"
With that he opened the door as quietly as possible and slipped in.//I just shouldn't think anymore tonight//
---
Xander had left the door to his bedroom halfway open and heard Spike coming in through the front door. Or, someone, cause it suddenly appeared to him that it had been a pretty stupid idea to leave the front door open for anyone to come in. He was immediately wide awake but didn't dare to move, not sure if it was because he didn't want to scare Spike or because he didn't want to call attention to himself in case it was just an ordinary thief.
But somehow he was pretty sure that Spike had come back. He tried to breathe steady so the vampire would think he was still sleeping and wouldn't run away again but he knew he couldn't fool Spike.
*But maybe if I pretend to be asleep he will pretend to believe it?*
Xander tried to figure out what Spike was doing and where he was, but no matter how much he tried he didn't hear anything.
Until the door was opened completely and out of the corner of his eye he could make out the small figure in the door frame.
He wanted to say something that would reassure the blond. Wanted to tell him that he would look for him. Make sure that he was safe. But he remained silent.//I try and tell myself it'll be all right//
As he heard the faint sound of steps coming towards the bed Xander closed his eyes. He heard the sound of leather falling onto the floor and moments later he felt a shifting of the mattress.
*It moved just a little bit. Spike had lost so much weight.*
Xander let out a breath he hadn't known he had been holding. And as he tentatively turned from the sideward, wall-facing position, he had been lying in, onto his back he felt the mattress move again, until the first touch against his back, at least as tentative as his own advance, showed him that Spike was really there. That he hadn't just dreamt it. Xander snuggled back a bit more and felt a brushing on his side as Spike reached around him and he blinked once, twice, before closing his eyes again contentedly, as slender fingers entwined with his own.Maybe tomorrow one of them would freak out and their living arrangement would be full of awkwardness from thenceforward.
Maybe, just maybe. This, whatever it was, would work out.
Right now it wasn't important.//I just shouldn't think anymore tonight cause//
//Dreams last for so long//
//Even after you're gone//
//I know, that you love me//
//And soon you will see//
//You were meant for me//
//And I was meant for you//
~Fin~