The Price You PayBy Sofy
Xander quietly closed the door behind himself, letting the vampires sleep. He felt good this morning, rested. He'd slept better then he had in the last year. All thanks to Angel. He smiled at the thought of Spike wrapped around Angel like a security blanket. //They look so cute together.// He thought, feeling a pang of jealousy in his heart. His smile turned into a sad one. //I wanna keep him all to myself.// He whined to himself. //But I can't.// He was slowly making his way down the stairs when the front door opened.
"Giles?" Dawn asked, loudly, stepping into the apartment. Xander was stunned by the young women. She was so grown up.
Dawn quickly spotted two strangers talking on the couch. They turned to look at her and the young girl waved at them. "Hey!" She said as she walked toward them, wanting to introduce herself.
"Dawn!" Giles said, smiling as he walked out of the kitchen with his cup of tea.
"Hey Giles." Dawn turned toward him and went to say something when she heard coughing coming from the stairs. She turned and suddenly stopped. Her eyes opened wide as if she'd seen a ghost and tears welled up in her eyes. She shook her head in disbelief. "No." She muttered, before turning around and walking out the door, slamming it behind her.
"No." She kept whispering, as she finally stopped running, not so far from the apartment, and collapsed on the ground, sobbing.
//He can't... he 'abandoned' us... He left... He can't just come back like this.// She had finally learned to deal with her sister's death and all that had followed. Seeing Xander, standing there, looking so pale and skinny //What's up with that anyway?//, but still so immensely Xander, had brought back a flow of memories, images that flashed in her head. It was just too much and she broke down. //There's only so much a girl can stand.// She thought, realizing she was probably acting like a spoiled brat, but she didn't care.
//He abandoned us! He left! If he hadn't... maybe... things would have been different.// She kept repeating, memories filling her mind, as she sat there, her head in her hands, sobbing.
***
Xander stood, watching as Dawn left in fury.
"Nibblet!" Spike yelled, getting out the room, all dressed and storming down the stairs, trying to catch the fleeing girl. Angel followed him more calmly, wrapping his arms around Xander, who was shaking from the shock. //What have I done?// "Why?" He whispered in Angel's ear as the vampire guided him over to the table. They sat, Xander on Angel's lap.
"Spike, stop." Giles said, gripping the vampire's arms. "She'll be all right. Don't dust yourself for this silly reason."
Spike shrugged and sat at the table, opposite to Angel and Xander.
Giles looked at himself. "I can't really go after her dressed like I am." He said, waving at his pajamas. Xander started to get up. "I'll go." He said.
"Don't think that's a good idea man." Gunn replied, looking out the window. "She looks like she doesn't wanna talk to you."
"I'll go then." Josh said shyly. "I'm... she doesn't know me... so she can't be angry at me." He said, unsure of himself.
"Good idea pet." Spike said, still shrugging. He was clearly not enjoying the fact that he could do nothing. "Needs someone neutral she does."
Josh blushed. He looked at Xander and then at Gunn and both smiled encouragingly. He walked out the door and looked around. //Where would a girl go to hide?// He asked himself.
A wave of long dark hair caught his eyes and he started walking in that direction. He recognised the young girl, sitting on the ground, her head in her hands; she seemed to be sobbing. //Ok. Found her. Now... what am I suppose to say to a sobbing girl? Hell, what am I suppose to say to a girl at all?// He thought for a second, and then he shrugged nervously. //How about I start with the obvious.//
"Hey." Josh said shyly, as he approached the girl.
Dawn looked at him, her eyes red and swollen. She shrugged, trying desperately to dry her tears.
"I... I'm not... I've never talked to a... a girl before so... how 'bout you make this easy for me?"
Dawn raised her eyebrow quizzically. "What's your name?"
"Josh... you?" The young man answered, sitting down beside the girl.
"Dawn." She looked in front of her, playing with the grass.
"Dawn." Josh repeated. "I think you're being a little harsh on Alex, Dawn." He said gently.
"He left. My sister died and he *fucking* left me without even saying goodbye." Her voice was filled with pain and anger, tears threatening to fall again. "I lost both my mom and my sister in less than six months, my dad doesn't even know I exist and Xander, of all people, *left* me. He left us alone."
Josh didn't know what to do or say. He looked around, then at the angry teenage girl. "I know you lost your family, you feel alone... but Alex... we had a rough year too. And I've never had anyone... Alex... he's the first one that *ever* cared." He said in a low voice.
Dawn was stunned, she looked at Josh, trying to understand the meaning of his words. "You... what about your parents?" She asked, puzzled. //Surely, his parents must have taken care of him.//
"My mom died when I was two... Oh and my dad cared all right. He kept saying he loved me while he..." He stopped, blushing. //Why am I even telling her that?//
"Oh God." Dawn whispered in shocked realisation, putting her hand on her mouth.
"Anyway..." Josh said shrugging, trying to force the memories out of his mind. "He 'shared' me with one of his friends when I was thirteen. I thought they loved me." He shook his head. "When I turned seventeen, the 'friend' promised me he'd take care of me if I worked for him."
Dawn looked at him, shocked but puzzled.
"He was a pimp." Josh explained.
Dawn opened her eyes even wider. "Oh. My. God. I'm so sorry... you were a... a...
"A prostitute." Josh stated, acting nonchalant. "You don't have to be sorry, it's not your fault."
"I know... but I'm here whining while you... this is so terrible. I'm glad Xander helped you then... but how...?" A thought crept in her head and she yelped in surprise. "No." She said looking at Josh in disbelief and shaking her head. "Not Xander. He can't... it's impossible. It's just totally impossible. He can't have broken down that much... no no no." She kept shaking her head hysterically, trying to force the thought from her mind.
"Calm down." Josh said calmly, hesitatingly reaching a hand out to gently stroke Dawn's back. He tried to calm her down. "No matter what happened, to me or Al...Xander, none of it is your fault, you can't blame yourself. And... we're here now, that's what matters. Xander got me out of there and he... told me all about his family, I wanna learn what a family is. And Xander... he needs you, needs all of you right now."
Dawn stopped rocking and sobbing and looked at Josh. "Family is beautiful... as long as it doesn't shatter." She looked down. "He really was one, wasn't he?" She asked, looking back into the young man's eyes. It was Josh's turn to look down and he nodded.
"Losing Anya and Buffy... he tried to escape the pain. He always adored my sister, and Anya... he loved her. They were engaged. Not that he told anyone. In fact, I only found out because he left Anya's ring on her finger when he left." She continued, trying to understand. "He was broken." She whispered staring into nothingness. She looked back at Josh and stuttered. "Were you... did you... only men?"
"Yeah." Josh answered, looking right in front of himself.
"So you're... gay?"
"Yeah... I was kinda forced into it. Never had any choice." Josh said shrugging slightly. No, he had never had any option. He was a bitch, and sucking and being fucked into the mattress and used was what bitches did.
"You mean... you've never been with a girl? Not even at school?"
"Never even kissed a girl." Josh answered blushing. "And I went to a boys school. My life kinda revolves around men only."
"Oh... then that's why you're so shy right now." Dawn teased him. He blushed and buried his face in his hands.
Dawn gently lifted his chin and looked into his eyes. She licked her lips and leaned in, gently kissing the young man's lips.
After a moment, she broke the small kiss and looked at Josh's shocked face.
"Why did you do that?" The young man asked.
Dawn shrugged. "Dunno, seemed like the right thing to do." She answered. "How did it feel?"
Josh passed his fingers on his lips. "So soft, so fragile." He whispered, still shocked.
"I think you go more for the strong type, the ones that can protect you." Dawn stated insightfully. "You're the one that's so fragile."
Josh looked up at her, puzzled. "How can you know that only from a kiss?"
"I think you go more for the dark skin, no hair and chocolate eyes kind." The girl smiled wickedly. Josh blushed and Dawn kept on teasing him. "You're cute."
Josh tried to hide his embarrassment by getting up. "Are we going back?"
"Sure, but..." Dawn replied, standing up. "I have one more question to ask you."
Josh turned back towards her and nodded.
"Xander... he's sick isn't he?"
The young man nodded, looking down.
"What... what does he have?" Dawn asked a little fearful.
"He... he has AIDS." Josh whispered honestly.
Dawn's mouth fell open. "How..." She began, but was interrupted by a voice calling her name behind them.
Josh left the girl behind and headed for Giles' apartment.
***
Giles, Wesley, Angel, Spike, Gunn and Xander were all gathered around the kitchen table, dressed and drinking coffee or tea. They were chatting quietly when Josh came in. They stopped and turned towards the young man.
"How is she?" Xander asked, from his place on Angel's lap.
"She's ok, I guess." Josh said blushing. He wasn't used to having all the attention on himself. "She's talking with... another girl."
Xander gulped, squeezing Angel's hand. "Willow."
"Xander!" Willow yelled as she stormed in the room, Dawn in tow. "Oh God, you're here!" She threw herself in his arms, sobbing hysterically, not caring that the young man was in Angel's arms. "You're so skinny and pale! What happened to you?" She asked, concerned.
"I'm sick Wills." Xander answered gently.
She looked up at him through tear filled eyes. "What?"
"I am sick." He repeated calmly.
Willow started sobbing all over again. "You'll get better right? Whatever it is, we'll fight it, we'll take care of you and you'll heal." Her voice was choked from the tears.
"No Wills, I'm not gonna get better. I'm only gonna get worse. I have AIDS, I'm dying." Xander was having a hard trying to suppress his tears.
Dawn let out a small cry, bringing her hand to her mouth. Josh buried himself in Gunn's arms, seeking protection and understanding, while Giles hugged Wesley, trying hard not to break down. Spike went to Dawn's side, placing his hand on the girl's shoulder and squeezing lightly in silent support. Angel buried his head in Xander's neck, hugging the boy tightly.
Willow didn't move from where she was, but everyone could feel her desperation. "You can't... not when you've just come back." Her sobs turned into anger. "You can't do that to us!"
"I'm sorry Wills. I'm so sorry. Where would you want me to go? I belong here, with all of you. I get that now... I should never have left."
"No, you shouldn't..."
"Xander." Giles interrupted Willow, trying to calm the young woman down. "How did you... find out?"
"It's because of me." Josh said quickly, stopping Xander from answering. "I was sick and fainted while we were out, so Alex took me to the doctor." He swallowed. "The doctor wanted to have blood tests done on both of us."
"And how did you... contract it, I think is the question here Xander?" Giles asked uneasily.
"It's my f..."
"No!" Xander interrupted his friend forcefully. "It's not your fault Josh!"
"But..."
"Not buts, I was infected long before..."
"Ok... hold on a sec." Dawn interrupted them. "How could it possibly be your fault Josh?" //That would mean they'd have sex together. Ewww. But in a way... I can understand. Shared comfort I think.//
"I... I'm HIV positive." Josh answered, looking down.
Gunn tensed behind him, but hugged him tighter to himself, kissing the boy's neck. Josh snuggled deeper, feeling safe for the very first time in his life.
"How did both of you get infected then?" Wesley asked calmly.
"Bryce." Xander answered without hesitation.
"Who?" Spike asked. //Gonna kill the bloody bastard, I will. Nobody messes with my pet.//
//They won't like this, but I owe them the truth.// Xander thought before stating honestly. "Our pimp."
"Oh Bloody Hell!"
"No Xander!"
Josh let out a small cry and Xander apologized. "I'm sorry Josh, but I just can't lie to them. I don't have enough time to play games."
"I'm not... I don't want you to lie to them, it's just..." Josh was so red, he felt like he was on fire. He buried his head in his hands, not able to bear everyone's gaze.
Xander looked at everyone's shocked faces. He swallowed hard, but didn't avoid their gazes.
Never taking her eyes off her friend, Willow whispered. "Xander. How?"
"After Buffy and Anya." He paused and took a deep breath. "I left. It was just too damn hard to stay. You wanted me to be strong and I couldn't. I wanted to forget. I met Bryce in San Francisco. He... he hired me."
Angel tightened his hold in support, gently purring, as Willow pulled away from Xander and sat on the chair beside him.
"Pretty ironic don't you think? I thought that if sex could help me forget, at least it couldn't kill me like drugs or alcohol could." He laughed bitterly. "God, how wrong I was." He muttered.
All the others were staring at Xander in disbelief, the thought of him being a prostitute was difficult to swallow.
Gunn was having a hard time processing the fact that the young man he was falling in love with, despite never having thought of a man that way before, had been a prostitute. And that he was ill.
"How?" He asked, whispering in Josh ear.
The younger man tensed. "I'll... I'll tell you later, ok?" Josh replied, suddenly scared.
"It's all right, don't worry. I'm not gonna push you away." Gunn whispered tenderly. "You don't need to be scared."
Josh smiled and blushed. "I don't deserve this." He said, his voice barely above a whisper.
"You do, Josh. You need someone to look after you." Both of them were completely oblivious to the rest of the room. Gunn leaned in and gently kissed Josh's lips, praying that he didn't scare the boy. //His lips are so strong, but soft.// The black man thought. It was the first time he'd ever kissed a man, and he wasn't regretting it.
"Look." Angel whispered to Xander, nodding towards the kissing couple. Xander smiled, then turned to the others, who were still staring at him and seemed ready to start talking all at the same time.
"Look guys." He began, taking a deep breath. "That's the past and honestly... I think the price I have to pay for that mistake is high enough without your stares, accusations and disbelief."
The others looked at each other and shook their heads.
"All right. Lets just not talk about your... activities. You made a choice, we have to respect that." Giles said, sitting down.
Xander smiled, thankful, and snuggled deeper in Angel's embrace. The rest of the day passed rapidly, filled with explanations, disbelief, fear and finally acceptance and understanding. They cried over shared memories, laughed at remembered silliness and, most of all, they felt like a family again.
For all of them, it felt like a new beginning, a new chance to set things right.
Even Gunn, Angel and Wesley let go of the past and just enjoyed each other's company, a friendship they had thought gone reanimating itself with laughter.
Tara joined them in the afternoon. They filled her in and she cried, laughed and felt happy at Xander's return, even though it was tainted by the knowledge of his condition.
Finally the sun settled and the girls went home promising to be back the following morning.
"Gonna go do a quick patrol." Spike said standing up. //Need a little exercise after all this bloody chatter.// "Ya wanna join me Peaches? Saving the souls and all that."
Angel looked at Xander, still buried in his arms and the boy nodded. "I know you want to go. I'll be fine, don't worry."
Angel nodded and left with Spike. Gunn and Josh disappeared from view and Xander knew they were filling each other in on their lives. //Lets hope Gunn doesn't freak out...Josh really didn't have the whole happy childhood thing going on.//
"I have a few errands to run before the stores close." Wesley said. He kissed Giles and left.
The young man looked at the Giles's face and his smile faded. //He shouldn't feel so guilty about anything.// "Stop with the guilty look G-man."
"I'm not..."
"Yes, you are, don't try to deny it." Xander said forcefully. "I bet you've been telling yourself off all year... since Buffy and Anya died." He finished, gently. "Probably the reason why you drink so much." He muttered, then continued. "It's *not* your fault Giles. You didn't fail us in any way."
"I just wish I could have..." Giles began, but Xander interrupted him.
"Stop that, you are a great man. You did so much for us. You have the right to take a break you know. I made a terrible mistake and I'm paying dearly for it, I know. But it's my mistake, not yours. Nothing you could've said or done would've stopped me from leaving after Anya died. You couldn't have stopped me from going into that bar, from leaving it with that particular man and you couldn't have stopped what happened afterwards either. Just like you couldn't have stopped Buffy from jumping, or Anya from being fatally injured. None of this is your fault. We were grown ups, we knew the dangers, yet we made those decisions still. We did what we had to do. Buffy saved all our lives. Anya saved Spike and myself. I... I'm the only one that... did it only for myself. I did it to forget. It was my mistake, not yours. It could never have been yours. The girls saved the world Giles. Don't take all the weight on your shoulders. Let it go."
Giles looked into the young man's eyes and a barrier seemed to crash down. Tears formed in his eyes and he buried his face in his hands, sobbing. Xander hugged the older man.
"Cry. It's ok to cry. You took such good care of all of us. You always did everything for us. You're our father. The best all of us ever had. I... my father never cared about me, but you did. You're my father Giles. In my heart, you'll always be. You never failed me, never failed any of us. You were always there, through everything."
Giles looked up and stopped crying. "Thank you Xander. You're... the son I never had. I'm... I'm so glad I got to meet you and watch you grow up. You've changed so much over the years. And I'm proud to have been a part of your life."
Xander smiled and the two men hugged each other tightly.
"You can stay here for as long as you'd like. I have another spare room that I use for my books, we can move them into the living room and arrange a nice place for your friends. Twin beds if that's what they'd like to have."
"Thank you." Xander replied. "Twin beds are of the good. Josh is not up to sharing a bed... and I don't think he will be for a while."
"He was hurt?" Giles asked concerned.
"Badly." Xander stated.
"By your... pimp?"
"By Bryce, his father, every man that came into his life before me."
Giles look shocked for a second. "We'll him show there are still good men out there."
Xander smiled. "He needs that. And you certainly are the best man to show him. He'll need a father figure... a *real* one."
Understanding without needing to ask, Giles nodded and stood up, he went to the bathroom and washed his face. As he returned to the living room, Xander was already moving things and making plans to fit all the books in there.
"So... how do you think three gay couples can get along in the same apartment? Do we need chains or something?"
Giles laughed and shook his head, before going to help. They passed the rest of the evening planning and laughing.
A few days later, they were all settled. And life seemed bright for the first time in months. For every one of them.
***
"Dawn?" Xander asked, gently knocking on the bathroom door. He had heard strange noise come from the room, almost as if she was throwing up. "Are you all right?" He continued, opening the door and stepping inside.
"NO!" Dawn yelled when she heard the door open, but it was already too late. Xander saw her, sprawled on the floor, her head on the side of the toilet, looking pale.
"Dawn!" Xander exclaimed, going to her side and kneeling down. "What happened? Are you ok? You don't look well... Tell me you're not... throwing up on purpose are you?" His face showed all his worries.
Dawn straightened up and shook her head. "No... not on purpose... it's... well, part of the consequences of my 'way of dealing' with... what happened."
"What do you mean?" Xander asked puzzled.
"I... I... I started to change my image... at school..." She began, stuttering. //Oh, I so don't want to tell him... but he can't do anything about it... and maybe he'll understand// "I went out with a lot of guys... At first... it was just to... get out of the house... I couldn't bear to be in that house... But then it became an addiction I think. I understand what happened to you, because... it kinda happened to me in a way." She sighed, looking at the floor. "To make a long story short, I went out with this guy... Gareth... he was cute and all. We went to the Bronze a few times together, we ended up... sleeping together... it was my first time." She looked up at him. "He left me after that. I was so stupid to think he would keep his promises."
Xander took her hand in his and squeezed lightly. "You're not stupid. It happens to a lot of people." He said encouragingly.
"I know... he left me a little present when he went away... something tiny, but it's... what's been making me act so weird the last few months."
Xander's mouth fell open. //Please not this... not her. She can't be sick... not from her first time, not like this.// He shook his head.
"Oh, no. It's not... I don't have a disease... I'm..." //God this is hard.// "I just... here, I'll show you." She stood up and pulled her shirt out of her pants.
//She seems to be wearing really baggy clothes these days.// Xander thought, realising the girl had not been dressed as herself lately. Wasn't that what most teenagers do? Change styles every day? He brought his hand to his mouth in shock as the teenage girl revealed her small but rounded belly.
"Oh God." He gasped, reaching a hand in front of him to touch the bump.
"I'm pregnant." She said a little nervously, but smiling warmly. "Five months pregnant."
Xander just stood there, gaping and gently touching Dawn's stomach. "But... you're so young..." He whispered.
"I know... I know all that. I've been telling myself that I'm way too young to have a kid, to dedicate my life to someone like this... but in a way, I think it's all lies. I'm much more mature than most girls my age, and I think... I think this is what I need... Please? Don't... don't ask me to give the baby up? It's... I've lost so much, so many people have died. This is like a new hope. Something beautiful that shows me life is still going on and not only ending, that not only do people die, but babies are born too. It's... a part of Buffy and my mom and... it's a part of you too in a way. I... I've been thinking this over a lot and... I'm ready. I want this baby." She finished, looking into Xander's eyes pleadingly. "Please... understand. I'm not... I'm not a baby anymore. I'm going to be a mother. I'm going to have all those responsibilities, I'm going to be someone's teacher, someone's guide..."
Xander interrupted her, putting one finger on her lips. "Stop babbling Dawnie." He said taking the panic-stricken girl in his arms. "I understand. I really do. It's just... you're like my kid sister, but I really have to realise you're all grown up now. You're a young woman and you're going to be a mom." He stopped as the idea sank is. "I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mother. You're strong and mature and I'm sure you'll do great. But... why didn't you tell us sooner? And have you seen a doctor? I'm not one, but... throwing up still at five months isn't normal... maybe you should get checked out."
Dawn closed her eyes. "I didn't say anything sooner first because if I did, you'd all tell me to get an abortion and that was absolutely out of the question." Xander tried to speak but she stopped him, holding up her hand to ask him not to talk. "...so I waited until it was too late for that... and then you were here and it never seemed like the right time to say anything. It wasn't even hard to hide it from all of you... a few baggy clothes and staying in the corner... though I'm really surprised Angel and Spike haven't realised it... they're suppose to be able to hear heartbeats..." She stopped for a second. "As for the doctor thing, no I haven't, I... don't have any money and... I don't really want to go alone."
"I'll go with you if you want, but you really need to see a doctor. Promise me you'll do it, ok?" Xander said very gently.
"Promise." Dawn said, burying herself in Xander's arms.
"Xander? Dawn? Are you both all right?" Giles asked, entering the bathroom. He stopped when he saw them. "What happened?" He asked, worried.
"It's all right." Dawn said, looking up. "I... I have something to tell you. Is.. is everyone here yet?"
"Yes." Giles said arching his eyebrow quizzically. "What is it you need to say?"
"Not now, I'll tell everyone all together."
***
They were all staring at the young girl in shock. Spike closed his eyes and listened. //Yeah... another heartbeat... should've paid more attention. Bloody Hell! Nibblet's gonna be a mum!//
"Dawn... how?" Willow asked harshly.
"Look, it's no biggie... really. Yes, I'm pregnant, but who cares how. I... I'm keeping the baby."
"You can't!" Willow screamed.
"And WHY?" Dawn argued. "You are so not gonna take my baby away from me!"
"But Dawn! You're 16!"
"Willow..." Tara began, trying to calm her down.
"Don't! Please Tara, don't."
"What were you thinking Dawn?" Giles' anger was almost palpable. "You should have told us a while ago. That's quite irresponsible of you. At least we could've..."
"Could have what?" The teenager yelled. "Ask me to have an abortion? Never. There's no way I would've." She calmed down a little. "Please guys, just listen to me here ok. I'm not a child anymore. I made this decision by myself and I stand by it. No one's gonna take my baby away from me."
"Dawn's right." Tara said forcefully. "She's not a child anymore. And she's much more mature then most girl her age are. I think... if she wants to keep the baby, she should have all our support and not our reproaches. We... we didn't judge Xander, so I don't think we should judge Dawn."
Xander smiled at the blonde girl. "You're right. Dawn told me something earlier. I think she was right. You want to tell them?" He asked the young woman. She nodded sitting down, hoping the gesture would calm everyone. Willow and Giles stared at her.
"Look guys, this... this is a miracle. I mean, we've lost so much, we're... losing so much." She added looking at Xander. "This baby, it's like a part of all of those that are gone. It's part of my mom, and it's part of Buffy. In a way, it's even part of Xander. It's... it's like a new hope. Something beautiful that shows me life is still going on and not only ending, that not only do people die, but babies are born too. It's... it's just the most beautiful thing that could ever happen to me. Please, understand?" She asked, looking pleadingly at all the people around her. "I'm going to be a mommy, I'll take care of him, love him, teach him."
Giles took off his glasses and started polishing them, much more gently then anyone would've thought. "I think... Tara is right. Dawn can make this decision by herself. We might not all agree, but I believe she is old enough to know what she wants to do. You can keep the baby, but never will it be the responsibility of any of us, it is yours. I don't mean we won't be there to support you, we will be, but the baby is yours."
"I know." Dawn said, she smiled at the watcher. "Thank you." She said calmly. "Oooo." She gasped. "He moved." She said in wonder.
In a heartbeat, they were all beside her, hovering and arguing about who would be the one to feel the baby first, anger all forgotten. Willow looked at the scene and smiled. "Guess it's for the best then." She said her heart melting at the sight. A baby couldn't be that bad now, could it? //Dawn's right, it does feel like a new hope.//
Xander took her hand in his. "She made a mistake and has to pay for it, but at least her price isn't death. It's life." He whispered.
Willow looked at him through tears filled eyes and squeezed his hand. "A life we'll cherish, remembering those who left."
***
*** Several months later
Josh laid his head beside Xander's on the bed; he was smiling, truly happy for the first time in his life. "Xander..." He whispered gently.
The other boy opened his eyes slowly.
"I made love with Charles yesterday." Josh said, his voice calm and serene. "At first, I didn't... didn't want to, I really didn't want to infect him. But we were really careful. I took a lot of convincing though."
Xander smiled.
"It was beautiful, perfect. It was different from when I was with you."
"How so?" Xander whispered, his voice harsh.
"When he touched me, I felt so loved, cared for... like I was... something really special." He smiled, lost in the memory of that beautiful night.
Xander smiled warmly at him. "That's how you feel when you're in love."
"Is that how you felt when Angel made love to you?" Josh asked gently caressing his friend's cheek.
Xander nodded, tears silently falling from his eyes. Josh dried them with his fingers and the two friends just laid there silent for a moment.
"I'm not strong enough." Xander whispered.
"For what?" Josh asked gently.
"I want... Angel to make love to me again, but... he's afraid he might... break me." He smiled tiredly, but it quickly faded. "I'm not even able to get hard anymore." He added, his voice barely above a whisper.
Josh smiled at him and went to say something, but Xander interrupted him. "Don't you dare tell me it's going to be ok." He muttered jokingly. Josh laughed uneasily, stroking his friend's arm.
"I love you, you know that right?" He asked.
"Yes. And I love you too Josh. No matter where I am, I will *always* look down upon you. I will protect you. You know... I think... I don't have much time left." Xander's voice was strained.
"Oh Xan!" Josh exclaimed. "I don't want you to go."
"And I don't... want to go either. But you're... in good hands. Giles and Angel and Spike and *Charles*," He added wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. "They'll take care of you."
Josh smiled, blushing. Xander raised a slightly trembling hand and dried his friend's tears. Josh did the same for him. "He knows all about me. My past, my fears and my dreams." Xander felt his heart melting at his friend's happiness. "And he still wants to be with me. I've been used and abused, but he makes me feel like I'm brand new."
"He's a... good man." Xander said, his breathing uneven and rasping.
"Yeah. I didn't even know good men existed before I met you." Josh smiled warmly. "You gave me hope Xander. A lot of hope. You were kind to me, you protected me. You got me out of that awful place I was in, you showed me that love existed, you took care of me, even when you learned you were sicker than me, you always thought of me first. You did all those things for me and for that I will always be grateful. You gave me a freedom I didn't know I could have. You gave me the freedom to live, to dream, to... love. You're my guardian angel Xander."
Xander was crying, tears flooding from his eyes. //He's grown up so much in the last few months.// "You had a chance... I had to give it to you. You have a chance to live. Grab it, hold on to it. Never let it go." His voice was hoarse and barely above a whisper. "Live Josh, you have to live."
"I will." Josh promised as Xander slowly drifted off to sleep. The young man stayed by his friend's side, gently stoking his back.
Quietly, Gunn opened the door and found his young lover fast asleep, his face soaked and swollen with tears. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched the two friends sleep. Slowly, Josh opened his eyes, feeling another presence in the room. He turned towards Gunn and smiled. "Hey."
"Hey." Gunn replied, smiling warmly. He took Josh's hand and squeezed lightly, before bringing it to his lips. Josh blushed and looked at Xander. Tears rolled down his face silently. Gunn wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tight to his chest.
"He asked me to live." The young man whispered.
"Then you will baby."
"But I can't... I can't keep this promise. I'm going to die, just like him. It'll take longer, but in a few years, I'll be as sick as he is and I'll... die."
"Shhh." Gunn stroked his lover's back slowly. "Until then, you're going to fight. For him, for me and for yourself. You'll keep your promise by not giving up." The black man said tenderly.
"Thank you." Josh whispered almost inaudibly.
"For what?" Gunn asked surprised.
"For... accepting me like I am. Accepting my past, my illness. For just loving me."
"Oh, baby." Gunn said, touched by the young man's words. "I love you. How could I not?"
"But, I've been used over and over, I'm dirty and sick..."
"No." Gunn said fiercely. "You've been raped and abused. Pushed into a way of living that you never wanted."
"But I did." Josh argued. "I wanted it."
"Why? That's the question you have to ask yourself baby." Gunn said, taking his lover's face in his hands. "Two men you trusted abused you and told you this was love. How could you not want it?"
Josh felt his heart melt as he looked into his lover's eyes. //He's right. That wasn't love. Love is friendship and care and acceptance. Love is so much more than sex.// "I love you." He whispered, leaning in to lovingly kiss Gunn. As their lips touched, they felt warmth spreading through their bodies, coursing through their veins. They slowly, reluctantly, broke the kiss. Josh opened his eyes and looked into warm brown ones.
"This is love." He whispered, placing his head on Gunn's shoulder. The black man smiled and kissed his lover's forehead, while wrapping his arms around Josh's chest.
"The doctor's coming." He said.
"Isn't Doctor Jackson the best doc? Coming all the way here from San Fran..." Josh was interrupted by a gently knock on the door.
"Come in." The young man said.
Angel, Giles and the doctor stepped in.
"Hi Josh." The doctor greeted. "How are you young man?" He smiled. He was pleased to see the boys had found such a nice place to live. They were obviously cared for, and that was all that mattered.
"I'm feeling very well, thank you. But Xander..." He stopped, unable to go on.
"I know." Dr Jackson said calmly, approaching the bed. He gently examined the brunette, shaking his head. Xander woke up slowly and smiled at the doctor.
"You're not in good shape young man." Dr Jackson said sighing..
"How much... time?" Xander asked his voice sleepy and hoarse.
"I'd say a few hours. You... you won't pass the night."
Giles gasped and Josh buried his head in Gunn's chest, tears welling up again. Silent, Angel laid down beside Xander and stroked his cheek gently.
"It's alright. I'm... I'm ready." The young man said, his voice strained. "Thank you doc... For everything."
The doctor nodded, gathering up his instruments. There was nothing he could say or do and he felt helpless. He gently squeezed Xander's shoulder in support and walked out of the room, Giles following closely, cleaning his glasses furiously.
"Gunn?" Xander whispered as the door slowly closed.
"Yeah." Gunn replied, approaching the bed.
"Promise." Xander coughed. "Promise me you'll take care of Josh."
"Promise. It's the easiest promise to keep I ever made." The black man smiled warmly, but sadly, at his lover.
Xander slowly turned towards Angel, who was still stroking his cheek. "Angel..." //I love you. Love you so much. Don't wanna go. Don't wanna leave you alone!// He couldn't bring himself to say the words, it was too hard, too intimate. "I wanna talk to Spike." //He's gonna protect them. Even Angel.//
"You want me to get him for you?" The vampire asked gently. Xander nodded warily. "Ok." Angel replied, getting up slowly and reaching to kiss Xander's cheek before hurrying out of the room. The faster he found Spike, the faster he'd be back. //Don't wanna leave him.// He hurried down the stairs.
***
"Angel." Giles called from the kitchen.
"Giles, have you seen Spike?"
"Yes, he just left. He'll be back soon, don't worry. I sent him out to get Willow, Dawn and Tara. Can I talk to you for a second?"
Angel glanced at the door, then at the stairs and finally nodded reluctantly. He entered the kitchen and saw the doctor sitting at the table.
"You're Alexander's lover right?" The doc asked, looking up at Angel. The vampire nodded. "You've taken good care of him. Last time I saw him in San Francisco, I wouldn't have given him more than two months. I'm sorry I can't help more."
"Giles?" Dawn's voice came to their ears as they heard the door open, then close.
The three men walked in the living room. Dawn was alone. She hugged Angel tightly but carefully, trying not to squeeze her swollen belly. The vampire could hear the baby's heart beating steadily in time with his mom's.
The girl looked at the doctor. "I wanna see him. Can I?" She asked, untangling herself from Angel's embrace.
"Yes, you can young lady." Watching her, he knew she was very close to delivery; the baby was very low. "But don't strain yourself. Something tells me that baby's gonna be here real soon." He smiled.
She smiled back and walked up the stairs slowly. She entered Xander's room, Angel, Giles and the doctor following her. She smiled sadly at Josh and Gunn, still entangled on the bed. They both got up to let her approach the bed.
Dawn sat on the edge of the bed. "Xander." She whispered gently. "The baby's moving. You wanna feel it?"
All the others watched as Dawn reached for Xander's hand and placed it on her rounded belly. "You feel that?" She whispered, tears silently running down her cheeks.
Xander nodded slightly, his eyes showing sadness and wonder at the same time.
"It's gonna be a boy. I know it. Can... can I give him your name?"
"Oh Dawn." Xander whispered. "Thank you." If he'd had the strength he'd be crying.
"One life ends, another begins." Dawn said looking in Xander's eyes. "I'll never forget you. You're much too precious to ever be forgotten. I love you."
Xander closed his eyes, pain tugging at his chest. He breathed hard and opened his eyes again. He smiled at Dawn and caressed her belly. "I love you too lil' sis. Take... good care of the brat." Dawn gave him a sad smile and hugged him tightly. She stood up a little too hastily, drying the tears away. A sharp pain erupted in her lower belly and she yelped in pain. The doctor quickly came to her side and led her out of the room. There, in the middle of the hallway, the waters broke.
***
Xander looked at the now closed door, Angel coming to his side and holding his hand. "One life ends, another begins. She's having her baby now." He whispered hoarsely. Angel looked at him and smiled warmly.
"Hey!" The door opened suddenly and Spike walked in.
Xander smiled sadly at him and then looked at Angel. The oldest vampire nodded and left the room.
Spike sat on the edge of the bed, looking at Xander. "You... you wanna talk to me pet?" He said very gently. //Why does he have to die? Can't I just turn him or something? I'd do it in a heartbeat. Don't want to lose him.//
"Yeah. Spike I... take care of them for me will you? They... they need you. Even Angel. He'll... he'll need you so much. Don't... don't let him down."
"I won't pet." Spike promised. He couldn't tear his eyes away from the boy's. "I'll never leave 'em. That you can be sure luv. Even the Poof. He can be annoyed all he wants, but I'll keep an eye on him."
"Thanks." Xander smiled slightly. "Tell... tell Dawn, she'll be a great mother. And... tell Giles to be happy and not... mourn me too much. He needs... to think about himself more. I'll always watch over all of you. Tell Angel that... that I love him." The tears flooded freely from the young man's eyes. "I love him with all my heart."
"I know pet, I know." Spike said, taking the young man in his arms. "I'll tell 'im. Don't worry." After a while, Spike gently let go of Xander, and looked into the young man's eyes. He slowly leaned in and pressed their lips together. It was a gentle kiss, chaste and full of promises they would never be able to keep.
Spike withdrew after a moment, looking so sad and lost. "Can't turn you pet can I?"
Xander shook his head lightly. "No... but thanks Spike."
"Why?" Spike seemed so desperate.
"Just... I don't want that... and you'd... die draining me." Xander said, his voice so weak Spike had to concentrate to hear. The vampire nodded. He brushed his hand over Xander's cheek and kissed him again.
"Love you pet." He whispered before getting up and walking to the door, not looking back.
"Spike." Xander said, as the vampire was opening the door. Spike stopped. "I think... given time, I could... I could have loved you."
Spike left the room, trying to hide his tears. //The Big Bad does not cry. Just something in my eyes.// He passed by Angel, not even seeing him and went out the door.
"Gonna kill some nasties." He said, slamming the door shut behind himself. He ran to the cemetery, and there, he collapsed before Buffy's grave, crying and yelling at the world. "I'm gonna kill the bloody bastard that did that to him. D'ya hear me? I'm gonna kill him!!" He took his head in his hands and cried.
***
Angel entered the room mere moments after Spike had left. He found his lover staring at the ceiling. He laid beside him and wrapped his arms around the young man's chest.
"He kissed me." Xander whispered.
"I know." Angel replied tenderly.
"You knew... he loved me?"
"Yeah... I knew."
"You... you love him?"
"I... I think I do."
"He loves you." The young man managed weakly. "Don't... turn... your back... on him."
"I won't."
Angel and Xander lay side by side, the vampire holding his young lover in his arms gently. For hours they stayed silent. Xander was fighting, trying to keep his eyes open. He had one more thing to say, one more thing he needed to give his lover.
"I'm so sleepy Angel, but I don't want to close my eyes."
"Sleep my love. Close your eyes and sleep. You deserve to rest." Angel said gently. "I love you. I always will." He gently stroked Xander's back and started to hum an old Irish lullaby his mother use to sing to him before he went to sleep.
Slumber my darling, thy mother is near,
Guarding thy dreams from all terror and fear.
Sunlight has past and the twilight has gone,
Slumber my darling, the night's coming on.
Xander closed his eyes, feeling so tired. He could feel the life leaving him slowly. He knew this was it. His last chance to say what he had wanted to tell his lover for so long.
Sweet visions attend thy sleep,
Fondest, dearest to me,
While others their revels keep,
I will watch over thee.
The whisper came, barely audible. "I love you too Angel."
Slumber, my darling, the birds are at rest,
The wandering dews by the flowers are caressed,
Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,
And pray that the angels will shield thee from harm.
Angel's voice faltered for a second, but he didn't stop humming. //He loves me.//
Slumber my darling, till morn's blushing ray
Brings to the world the glad tidings of day:
Fill the dark void with thy dreamy delight--
Slumber, thy mother will guard thee to-night.
Angel kept humming, tears falling down his face quietly, as he listened to his lover's heartbeat slowly decreasing and finally coming to a stop.
Thy pillow shall sacred be
From all outward alarms;
Thou, thou are the world to me
In thine innocent charms.
When he could hear nothing more, Angel sang the last verse and then stopped. He gently kissed his lover's still warm lips one last time, a tear dropping on Xander's face and slowly running down his cheek. Angel wiped the tear away tenderly and looked at the young man. Xander looked peaceful and serene.
The vampire closed his eyes tightly and released his tight hold on the flood of tears. He was already missing his lover. His jokes and smile. He gathered the young man in his arms and hugged him tightly. "I'm going to miss you so much." He whispered, sobbing.
When the heat had left the boy's body, Angel carefully placed his lover back on the bed, tucking the sheets around him.
Not caring about his soaked and swollen face, he stood up and walked out of the room. He slowly closed the door behind himself, as if to not wake up his sleeping lover.
He turned around and faced the others. "He's gone."
Nearly in hysterics, Willow found comfort in a sobbing Tara's arms, while Giles clung tightly to Wesley. Hoping to be a stable presence, Gunn held onto his young lover when he threatened to faint. Unfortunately, Spike had no such luck. He caught a wavering Angel just before he collapsed to the floor.
A baby's cries filled the house.
One life ends, another begins.
***
Here lies Alexander 'Xander' Lavelle Harris
Beloved friend and lover
'Slumber, my darling, the birds are at rest,
The wandering dews by the flowers are caressed,
Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,
And pray that the angels will shield thee from harm.'
***
Epilogue
Angel's POV
-(-Author's Note: imagine an overview of a slightly crowded bar, soft music playing and a few people are gathered around a table near the stage... you know them-)-
Time has passed and the world has changed. But we are still mostly the same. Spike and I look younger than the rest of them now, but essentially, we're still the same people Xander would remember.
We still think about him every day. We still laugh at his jokes and comments. He's always going to be with us. It hurts. It hurts all the time when I think about him, when I laugh and smile at the memories, but I learned to deal with the pain. Just like I did when Buffy died... and when Giles died 3 years ago.
We lost many friends over the years, but as Spike once said to me, 'we'll bloody remember them together Poof'. He came to the hotel about a week after we buried Xander. He had brought all the Scoobies with him.
(("Mind if we stay here Peaches? You got a big hotel all to yourself and Sunnydale's not what it was." Spike said, entering the lobby. "We need to stick together s'what I think. And like you said, they'll die, but the two of us can do a bloody better job at protecting them if we stay at the same place."))
It was the longest speech he'd given me in a long time. The most honest too. I agreed. He ended up in my bed that night. Shared comfort we both said. It has lasted since then.
Spike was right. We've fought side by side for the last twenty years. Averted a few more apocalypses. And we protected our friends with all our strength and skills. The only thing we can't fight is illness. First Xander, then Giles. He died of cancer.
Baby Xander was our pride and joy, he still is. It's his 20th birthday today, he's not a baby anymore, but he's part of all of us in a way. He has Buffy's eyes and smile and Dawn's hair and Xander's sense of humour. Sometimes he scares us. He uses the same expressions, the same nicknames Xander used. And it hurts, but in a way, it just proves that Xander's still with us every day. Dawn is an incredible mother. Again, Xander was right.
The hotel as become quite an animated place after they all came live here. It was lively and always full of laughter and movement. There were enough rooms that we never invaded each other's personal space, but it was never lonely again. And I like that.
Lorne came back from Las Vegas a few months after they'd all settled down, Wesley, Gunn and Cordy moving in at the same time. He hadn't liked it there. It wasn't friendly enough. He said that we might destroy his place every once in a while, but we were friends and that counted a lot for him. So he moved back into the hotel and after a few years of being bugged by Cordelia and Dawn, he reopened Caritas. In the hotel itself. The pool and the ballroom are an essential part of it. It is now recognised as a very good demon-friendly restaurant, karaoke and bar. It's even a dance club once every month.
We're here tonight. Celebrating. Kinda. It's been exactly twenty years since Xander's death, and every year we make a point of gathering together to share memories.
Josh always makes a point of singing this one song that he heard a few years ago. It's from a movie. Don't ask me which, I don't remember. It's a very fitting song I think. Something that really speaks of what Josh owes to Xander. He owes him his life, his happiness.
Yes. Josh is still around. He never developed the syndrome. The doctors said he was a miracle of medicine. The latest blood samples showed no trace of the disease. Nothing. They said he had been well treated when it had mattered. Thanks to Xander.
Josh's POV
As I walk up the stairs to the stage, I know they're all looking at me. It still makes me uncomfortable at times, but I don't mind anymore. They're my friends, my family. I sit down and look at Gunn. Twenty years of happiness. I think that makes up for the almost twenty years of pain I had before I met Xander... and before all that happened after, mostly my love for Charles. He always makes me feel like I'm special. After twenty years, it should have faded, but it hasn't. It's still strong and powerful. Our love grows everyday.
I sit on the bench and the music starts.
Time passes, the world changes
But I'm still the same ole' kid
And your jokes still bring me laughter
As if you still were here
I close my eyes. The feeling that sweep through me is always overwhelming. Every time I hear or sing this song, I feel like Xander is here with me. He's watching over me, and all of them. Taking care of us. Guiding us.
And it hurts
When I smile'
Cause my heart still remembers
When you were around
I thank Xander every night, while I'm resting in Charles' arms. If it hadn't been for him I'd probably either be dead or still in the business. But I'm here...
'Cause you were there
When no one was
Just when I thought nobody cared
You showed me love
He was the one to get me out of there, to show me what real friendship was. He showed me that life was worth fighting for. And now look at me. I fought, and I'm still here.
'Cause you were my friend
You always told me
And I am still here
Because you were there
He didn't stay long in my life. Barely two years. But he was a treasure. He showed me innocence and laughter and fun. He showed me how to live, how to love.
So precious, small treasures
A time when truth was innocent
True friendship, was all we were after
A place where kids could still be kids
And it hurts
But I'm glad
Cause at least I was blessed
To have you as my friend
It hurts. All the time. Even after twenty years, the pain of his loss hasn't faded. It's still powerful. But we learned to deal. He was our friend. The best friend anyone could have. Sure, he made some mistakes, but he was always there for me... for us. Nobody cared for me before him.
'Cause you were there
When no one was
Just when I thought nobody cared
You showed me love
'Cause you were my friend
You always told me
And I am still here
Because you were there
I will live. The doctors told me the other day it was gone. No trace. Nothing. They said I would still need to keep on with the medication and tests in case it reappears, but for now, I'm free. I'm alive.
You're my best friend
There are no accidents
God has a plan for everyone
And he brought you in my life
To show me what a good friendship was
You were placed on my path to help me out of there, to show me what life could be. I'll always remember what you did for me. You forgot yourself so that I could live. And I did. I kept my promise Alex. I'm alive. I'm in love. I'm happy. And I will never forget you.
'Cause you were there
When no one was
Just when I thought nobody cared
You showed me love
'Cause you were my friend
You always told me
And I am still here
Because you were there~Fin~
Hush the waves are rolling in,
White with foam,
White with foam.
Father toils amid the din,
But baby sleeps at home.
Hush, the winds roar hoarse and deep,
On they come,
On they come.
Brother seeks the wandering sheep,
But baby sleeps at home.
Hush the rain sweeps over the noes,
Where they roam,
Where they roam.
Sister goes to seek the cows,
But baby sleeps at home.
Notes:
(1) Thanks to John for finding the lullaby used in the last chapter. Slumber My Darling was written by Stephen Foster. I would suggest for anyone who can, to download the song before reading the chapter and play the lullaby while reading. The MP3 version is from Yo-Yo Ma and others.
(2) The song in the epilogue is You Were There, by Babyface. A very beautiful song...
(3) The lullaby at the very end is from an album called Baby's Bedtime, by Judy Collins. Gaelic Lullaby (at least I think that's the title). Thanks to AJ for finding it for me, even if I didn't use it like I was suppose to.
Love you AJ and I hope you and Lissa loved your bday prezzies... This was quite a ride and ended in a monster fic of 109 pages. :-) Thanks to all who supported me, especially my beta Sarah, my temporary betas: John, CJ, Jericho and Kay Tee, everyone that helped me answering my many questions (Michelle, Jester, Brandi, etc...) and all of you who gave me feedbacks already... now... gimme more!!! Lol.