Living ArrangementsBy Taltos
Chapter Sixteen
I've watched him tiptoeing around the boxes Buffy sent for months now. Every so often he sits and stares at the still sealed boxes in the corner of his room. I don't know what else to do to ease his pain, to make it easier for him to face the ghosts in those boxes.
The first month was spent drunk. The second was split between rage, guilt and fear. These last four have been edged in a desperate loneliness that nothing seems to quell. I hear Wesley come up behind me and I can't stop the smile as he rounds the chair to stand in front of me.
Will was right. I watch Wes' quick darting glances around the lobby before he leans in and touches his mouth against mine. I can't stop the happy sigh that is released from me at the taste of him. We've tried very hard to be discreet. I don't wish to taunt Will with my happiness when he is so isolated, but it hasn't been easy.
The first time he found us clutched together in Wes' office he was gone for days. I was overcome with worry and grief. His only words to me upon his return were 'I'm happy for you.' Neither of us has spoken about Wesley and I since, but I know why it is that he leaves every evening not to return until almost sunrise.
I know why the sight of us together haunts his eyes. I understand and accept his occasional bouts of jealously. I know I'm not the cause, my happiness is and I can't begrudge him that. I have found what he lost. Sometimes when I see the pain eating slowly away at him I have to turn away or lose myself in him.
Wesley understands as I suspect no other ever could. He's been patient with Will and I, knowing we have a bond stronger than most humans could ever understand. He understands that when I cry for William, it is not for the future he and I lost years ago, it is because I can't ease his pain, as I so desperately want to do.
Wesley's voice startles me out of my thoughts.
"He took a knife to his room, I think perhaps he's decided it's time."
I kiss him gently, molding his body to mine for brief seconds.
"Thank you."
I reach Will’s room just as he puts the first box on the bed. His hands shake as he reaches forward with the knife to cut open the packing tape. Once the tape is cut he steps back and closes his eyes. From the doorway I can smell them, their scents mingled, slowly floating on the air from the box.
He drops the knife to the floor, the arm closest to me extends, palm up, fingers reaching. I shift to his side quickly and take his hand in mine. His voice is watery, and constricted when he speaks.
"Sire."
"I'm right here William, I'm right here with you."
His breath hitches on a restrained sob as he opens his eyes and steps forward. I'd give anything to take this pain from him. I can't. He needs this to move forward. He needs to let it rip him open and cleanse him.
The next three hours are an act of torment as he continually alternates between wistful laughs and bitter tears as every box is emptied and inventoried.
"Is that all the boxes?"
"Yes."
"Something is missing. The medallion I bought just after Xander and I...became lovers. It reminded me of us. The last night I wore it was the night I turned him. I took it off to shower. It was caked in blood and I wanted to clean it. I never got a chance to put it back on. Guess it got lost."
"Do you want me to ask Willow about it the next time she calls?"
"No, just another reminder and I've got a whole bloody room full of those now, don't I."
He stands and within minutes the room is back to normal. Most objects replaced in the boxes and put into the closet, the rest, distributed throughout the room. I feel hope bloom in my chest. I can see him accepting, getting stronger with each move he makes. I can see a small sense of peace settle over him as he touches random photos and knick-knacks.
"I'm going out."
I touch his arm and he turns to me.
"I'll be alright. Just need a bit of air is all. I'll be fine."
And I know he's right. He will be. William is a survivor. His pain will recede and although he may never be completely whole he will be fine, in time.