Defining EmotionSpecial Note: I received this song by e-mail a few days ago, written for this series by a fan. I have gotten permission to share it with you all as long as I don't reveal the author of it. I'm very flattered by this and thought it should be given to you guys as well. Obviously, I named the title of this installation after it.
"Redefinition" written by ----Anonymous----
I define my emotion, by the size of your breasts. I define my emotion, by the pinch in your voice. I define this devotion, by the taste of your… ah, lips. I define myself, by how much tongue you give… I define myself… by the love… you… give…
Break my heart, you silly girl.
Break me down, it's a whole new world.
Lick me out, I could taste you still.
Touch me now… on the window sill.Bleed me empty, I like how it feels.
Fill me up and break the seal.
Give me a chance to be what you need.
Redefine me.The definition of your emotion is written between your legs. Between your lines. How does it feel? To ride the time - like it's made by your mouth? The definition of your desecration, reminds me of the supple skin on your waist.. where it was bruised by my fingers… digging in. Holding on. For - One. More. Time.
Break my heart, you silly girl.
Break me down, it's a whole new world.
Lick me out, I could taste you still.
Touch me now… on the window sill.Bleed me empty, I like how it feels.
Fill me up, break the seal.
Give me a chance to be what you need.
Redefine me.I need you. To taste you. To feed on you. To feel you beneath my skin.
Let. Me. In.
Fuck me, silly girl.
Fuck me, silly girl.Make. It. Hurt.
Make. It. Better.- - -
Thanks for the song. It means more than you could know.
* * *
"They didn't--"
Whispered from behind a hand.
"They did!"
"Buffy and Cordelia? No way…"
Shock. Disgust. Fear. Intrigue.
"Yeah! Can you believe it?"
"Honestly? No. I always knew that Buffy chick was weird. I mean, c'mon.. BUFFY?"
* * *
Buffy didn't taste her lunch, not because it resembled plastic, though it did; she was on the high that came from getting what you wanted. What you wanted so badly, you could taste it even when you were no long breathing her air.
Her. The one you wanted.
When she'd returned from her run that morning, she'd fell flat on her face into the bed, cold air still circulating in her lungs. Cordelia's scent had covered the sheets like a soft perfume and Buffy had done nothing but wallow for a few precious minutes, pressing her nose into the pillow and just…
Sucking it all in like she could make it seep through her own pores.
She had shifted to the side and felt a piece of paper crinkle beneath her cheek. Smiling, she'd pushed up to her elbows and read it. It was short. Simple. All it said was: Okay. Her grin had widened.
"That's my girl," she'd whispered.
A paper air plane hit her right between the eyes and knocked her from her reverie. Buffy blinked and looked down at the white, blue-lined note book paper that had landed in her sloppy joe. Well, she hadn't been planning on eating it anyway…
Looking around, she noticed a few curious eyes quickly darting away from her. And at another table, a group of guys were laughing and punching each other in the arms, slapping each other's backs. Her chest tightened a little, but she told herself she should have expected this. After all, Cordelia Chase and Buffy Summers grinding in the center of a teen hotspot… well, that was pretty big news.
A part of her HAD expected it; that part was relieved. To be free… to not have to pretend… that would be a major weight free from her chest.
She picked up the airplane and unfolded it.
It read: Freak fucks the Bitch!
Buffy's eyes glittered as she looked up and around. For a moment, she wanted to grab a few of those assholes by the backs of their necks and toss them around like basket balls. Then she just smiled, stood with her tray of food and walked over to the trash can near the doors, dumped the whole tray in. Something a little devilish in her made her turn and wave at the cafeteria at large, where they all sat in their hard plastic seats, staring at her. Silent. Waiting.
She laughed as she walked out and there was a burst of voices.
People were so easy.
Buffy walked past the lockers, down toward the water fountain with her bag slung over her back. It bounced against her side, filled with books and unfinished homework. She'd been… busy last night. To say the least. She peered in the long, thin window of room 105.
Cordelia.
Buffy's chest broke open all over again. But this time… it felt good. Sharp, like the taste of blood must be to a Vampire who's been starved, hard on the gut. And at the same time, even as her fingers began to shake, her heart gave a slow, happy thump.
Cordelia's hair was tucked behind her ear and she stared off into the distance, her profile dreamy. A lot of people were looking at her, staring as hard as they could, but she didn't seem to care.
"That's my girl," Buffy said again, somber. She raised a hand to the window and drew her finger down the glass, imagining she could reach right through. And touch her.
Cordelia turned her head suddenly and stared straight into her eyes. Goosebumps trailed up Buffy's arms, tightened her nipples. Cordelia winked, gave a slow indiscreet smile and sat back in the wooden chair of the desk, her skirt slipping up her thighs a bit.
Buffy nodded, tapped the small watch on her wrist and walked off. Pleasant tingles followed her the entire way. From toe to clit.
* * *
"Shut up!" Willow yelled it, covering her ears as Harmony continued chattering a mile a minute. The blonde's eyes were bright with malice and it made Willow want to puke. "I'm not listening to this. You're so wrong your… well, WRONG!"
"No. Everyone saw it!" Harmony nodded her head eagerly. "Buffy and Cordelia are SO doing it."
Willow took a moment to digest this.
"Well," she said with feigned composure. "You were always buddy-buddy with Cordelia. What does that make YOU?" Harmony paused, hand over mouth; horrified. "Yeah, I thought so. So I wouldn't go around gabbing about other people's private life's if I were you."
Satisfied, Willow walked off. Xander stood a little ways behind Harmony, mouth hanging open.
* * *
Cordelia was did the combination into her locker, feeling the weight of hundreds of eyes. But that was nothing really new. But it had never been for a reason quite like this… Still, a part of her reveled in it. Wanted to step up, show a little leg and say: Yeah, look at me now. I've licked between Buffy's legs and she's licked between mine. Talk about extreme possibilities. Now fuck off.
Hiding a smile behind her hand, she opened her locker.
Only to have it slammed by a male hand; slammed hard.
Cordelia turned her head, a withering insult on the tip of her tongue… but then she saw his face, the pale, sweaty look of it. Xander's face… and the words slipped back down her throat. Oh god. She hadn't even thought of him.
"Tell me it isn't true." He muttered it, or tried, voice as dry as dust. "Tell me what everyone's say is just another stupid rumor that floats around these halls like Ebola."
Her lips flattened together, the lipstick shiny and red and his eyes seemed to catch there. She gave a slight cough and looked away from him, unsure of what to say for one of the few times in her life. "Cordy… please tell me…"
"Xander, it's really none of your business anymore."
"Is this some sick game of yours? Are you trying to get back at me?" Cordelia sighed, looking down at the books in her hands. Her nail polish was perfect, except for one nail… that nail was chipped. "What did you do to Buffy? Did you hypnotize her or something? Make a stupid wish?"
Cordelia jerked her gaze up at straight at him; glared.
"Fuck you." She said through her teeth. Now everyone's stare felt invasive, and the back of her neck began to sweat. A drop ran down her back, along her spine. "I wouldn't do something like that."
"Wouldn't you?"
"You don't know me!" Cordelia almost shouted it; face turning red. "You never did!"
Xander shook a little, leaning his shoulder against the locker for support. There were tears in his eyes, but he refused to cry.
"Obviously. Guess I didn't know Buffy either." Xander gave a small, humorless laugh. "All this time, I've had feelings for three girls. For Buffy. For Willow. For you. For Buffy, it's been mostly a wanting what I can't have kind of thing. For Willow… I can't really explain how I feel for her. It's just… there. And I wish I hadn't done what I did… but the feelings are STILL there. That's not changing. But Cordy… that doesn't change the fact that I had feelings for you too. I really did. That's not a lie, no matter what you think."
"Xander," he cut her off with a slash of his hand. There was a fine trembling to it and he quickly shoved it behind his back. Xander's eyes were as deep as she'd ever seen them and something twisted inside of her. An old, silver knife. She rubbed a soothing hand along her stomach.
"No. I don't want to know details. I just… I think you should have told me that you were into women when we were dating. It might have made your overzealous interest in me clearer."
Cordelia took a step closer, drawn by the hurt in his eyes.
"It wasn't like that Xander. I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I honestly loved you."
Xander looked up. Into her eyes. A little needy.
"Yeah." He replied slowly. "Guess you did." Carefully, he reached out and hugged her. Just a side hug, but a hug just the same. "We're a couple of messed up outcasts aren't we?" Cordelia gave a snort, unbelievably fighting tears. "I'm sorry." Xander said.
"You should go kick Oz's ass." She told him, leaning back and smiling. "Don't get me wrong, I kinda like the hairy guy, but him and Willow? Not so much. Doesn't mean I'm not still pissed as hell at you for cheating on me… but the tension between you three is starting to grate on my last nerve. A very thin, unsteady nerve."
"Yeah, I know." Xander gave a dramatic shiver and meant it. "One of these days I'm gonna walk out of this school with her on my arm… or whatever a knight in shining armor type would do." He was still a little pale, but the hug and actually talking with her seemed to have helped him. "But until that day where I become the MAN instead of the OTHER man… what's it like? You and Buffy?" He waggled his eyebrows and gave her his patented leer.
Cordelia glared, but couldn't help a small, secretive smile from leaking past her mask.
She glanced to the side and caught Buffy walking slowly toward them, hesitant. She looked… outrageous. Her hair was caught up and gleamed with the light of the sun. Her face was a little tired, but clean of make up in a way only she could pull of and make… sexy. Cordelia let the mask drop for a second and watched Buffy with an open hunger that had the Slayer speeding up her step until they stood face to face.
Xander stepped to the side. The normal commotion of the hallway quieted a little. Busy were too people being nosy to realize they were going to be late for class.
Buffy reached out and ran her finger over Cordelia's lower lip. They both looked down at the lipstick smeared on Buffy's thumb.
"You had a little…" Buffy couldn't think of anything witty to say. So she chose the truth. "I just wanted to touch you. To make sure."
"Don't be an idiot." Cordelia chastised, doing the combination of her locker again. She tossed Buffy one smoldering look over her shoulder before shoving her books hap-hazardly inside. "You were one-hundred percent sure last night."
Xander let out a small breath and shoved his hands into his pockets, rocking back on his heels as if gob-smacked.
"Damn good thing neither of you ever looked at me like that." He muttered and was ignored. "I would have been unconscious from too much blood draining out of my brain, in seconds flat. I better get out of here." He turned to leave, then winced and ruefully, he glanced down at the tented material of his pants. "Oops. Too late…"
Buffy tossed him a look.
* * *
They say when you fall in love, you might as well be getting hit by a truck.
They say it's like one big soap opera… with better lighting.
And sometimes, they say your first love isn't always your last love. That sometimes love doesn't last forever and sometimes it does.
The curtains were drawn, the shades down. It was mostly dark, but still they could see each other. He felt his heart tremble.
Buffy took Angel's hand and smiled at him sadly. Tried to make him understand. Angel hurt like he'd been stabbed all over with a million tiny knives. He'd known… but he hadn't known it had been about love. He'd always suspected Buffy had a little kinky streak, so he'd hoped and prayed to every damn god he didn't believe in, that maybe, just maybe… it was all about the fucking.
He stared at her hard before shaking his head and watching her walk away. Out the doors and back into the sunshine. Where she belonged.
Buffy and Cordelia. Shit. This was gonna be a bitch.
* * *
Cordelia had never been so happy that cheerleading practice was over and that everyone had rushed their showers and gotten OUT of her way. She stood, still sweaty and in her uniform, tapping one bare foot on the locker room floor.
Where the hell WAS she?
Nervousness edged inside her gut, prickling her stomach like cramps. This was stupid. Cordelia Chase didn't wait around for anyone. She was the one that made people wait.
Love had turned her into a fucking… person who waits! A scowl dragged down her features. Frustrated with herself, she grabbed her bag and was about to storm out when Buffy pushed open the door, stepped through and let it swing shut behind her. The squeaking noise had Cordelia's muscles hardening, her throat going dry.
"Buffy." The blonde smiled, raising an eyebrow.
"Cordelia." She acknowledged.
"You're late." Oh, Cordelia thought, what have I become? Queen of the Obvious?
"I know." Buffy shrugged. "Stuff to do. Hearts to break. Willow's to calm down."
Cordelia eyed Buffy suspiciously.
"Was Willow's the heart you had to break? Because, I swear, if she's macking on another one of my…" Cordelia fisted her hands, raised them.
"Wow Tyson. It wasn't Willow. It was Angel."
Which made that SO much better. Cordelia frowned, feeling a little sick but trying to hide it. Jealousy sucked. First loves that lived forever… SUCKED WORSE. "What's wrong?" Cordelia snapped out of the murderous haze at the concern in Buffy's voice. She focused on the woman in front of her, forcing ideas of stakes and dust bunnies out of her head.
"Oh you know, just the fact that the whole school seems to be hanging on my every word." Again, that stupid eyebrow.
"I would have thought you would like that."
"Well…" Cordelia couldn't think of a proper come back so left it at that and shrugged.
Buffy threw her off balance again, as she had a habit of doing.
"I love you Cordelia. You know that." Cordelia turned to find Buffy staring at her earnestly. Outside the school doors, a locker slammed. Somewhere. The sound rang hollow in her head. Made her blink. Someone dropped their change and cursed.
"Yeah, that I know." Buffy smiled a little sadly and looked down at her fingers, plucking at the lint. "And Buffy?" The slayer looked up, lips tilted as she fought some shuttered emotion. "I love you too."
To her surprise, big-bad-Buffy's eyes filled with tears and her bottom lip quivered. "Wow. Sorry, I mean… no mushy stuff, kay?" Cordelia rushed forward, patting Buffy's shoulder awkwardly. They might have been in love, but it was going to take some getting used to. And tears were so not something Cordelia was used to dealing with. She wiped at the lone tear that dropped from Buffy's lashes, tinted black. "Shh. You'll ruin your mascara."
Buffy laughed, snorted, and choked on her tears. Cordelia stood with her hands in the air over Buffy's shoulders… feeling useless and big tongued. This situation wasn't in the book of etiquette she'd learned.
"I'm sorry." Buffy said on a sigh. She met Cordelia's eyes, one black streak of mascara on her upper cheek. "It's just…"
"I get it." And she did. Cordelia smiled and took a step back, gesturing to the locker room. "So ah, why did you want to meet me here? To bring back memories?"
"Full circle." Buffy murmured, moving to Cordelia and wrapping her arms around the cheerleader's neck. Her nails trailed beneath the thick, chestnut hair where her skin was hot.
"You know," Cordelia got a mischievous glint in her eye and she looked around to make sure no one was in the room but them. Then she brought her gaze back to Buffy's. "I've seen a lot of you in the past week. I've seen you do this. I could black mail you."
Buffy gasped when warm palms slid their way down her back and cupped her buttocks. The upward tilt of Cordelia's lips said many things… but mostly it said… payback's a bitch. Buffy found herself pushed away even as her eyes began to close, and head tip back. For a kiss. One taste of Cordelia's wet, tempting mouth.
Swollen. Red.
"What's the rush?" Cordelia asked, trailing a finger down Buffy's neck, the center of her chest, down below her navel where it stopped; waited. "I seem to remember last time, you were in quite a hurry as well."
Buffy's head rolled on her neck when Cordelia's fingers dipped lower, inside her pants. It teased the edge of her slit, but never pressed inside. "I have control of you right now Buffy." The brunette whispered and Buffy licked her lips, tongue sliding out across dry, dry skin. "Don't I?"
The barest of nods was her answer.
Cordelia smiled, eyes closing as she pressed her face into her lover's hair, reveling in the smell.
"I have control of you." She repeated. "But I'm not going to use it." Cordelia's began to slide her hand free and Buffy's fingers shot down, grabbed onto her escaping wrist, pushed it back where it was.
"Don't be a tease." The Slayer muttered through a clenched jaw. "It's not nice."
"Since when did you start living under the impression that I was, 'nice?'" Cordelia's eyes danced as her fingers slowly parted Buffy's folds. The seal of wetness was broken. Buffy blinked, eyes glazing.
"Yes…" She whispered, but Cordelia freed her hand again, dragged Buffy on her wobbly legs over to the bench and sat with her.
And then kissed her. Just kissed her.
They made love there. Slowly. Gently. As if it were the last time. Or the first. And when Cordelia's body gave in, tossed her up and into that heady orgasm, she saw Buffy's face hovering over her own, flushed brilliantly, sweat sparkling across her forehead.
"Who's in control?" Buffy asked softly, kissing her breast.
Cordelia nodded dumbly as she made a realization. Neither of them were in control.
They were just…taken. Defined by their emotion.
* * *
On the way out of the locker room, fingers entwined, they saw words written on the far wall in blue marker.
"Buffy + Cordelia Chase! Lesbians!" Buffy read off, squeezing Cordelia's hand. Cordelia shivered slightly, the sweat on her thighs cooling. "Do you have a pen?" Buffy asked her. The brunette nodded and reached into her bag, took out one. Buffy took it and stepped toward the wall.
She wrote beneath it, in big letters: DAMN RIGHT!
She took extra time dotting the exclamation point. Then she stepped back with Cordelia to admire her handywork.
"I like it." Cordelia said, taking her hand again. Buffy nodded.
"Me too."
"Wanna get out of here? Go to a movie? Or the mall?"
"Like a date?"
Cordelia grinned.
* * *
When Cordelia returned home that night, she was still smiling. She sailed past her mother who sat at the counter on a stool, a shot glass in front of her, slurring drunkenly to herself.
"Mother." She greeted her, the smile fading.
"Whore." Her mother muttered. Cordelia winced then just sighed and shook her head.
She took her mother by the hands and brought her up to her bedroom; tucked her in. The carpet felt softer against her feet as she went back down the stairs and into the kitchen. Cordelia stared at the drain as she dumped the liquor down it.
One bottle at a time.
"It's gonna be okay. I can handle it." She murmured quietly, to no one but herself. And as her thoughts turned toward her not-so-secret lover, for the first time in a LONG time… she believed those words.
The liquid sloshed against the side of the sink, splashed against her shirt. And though it pissed her off… it really was going to be okay.
~Fin~