Ordinary BoyBy Mightbeme
Just a day, just an, ordinary day
Just tryin’ to get by.
Just a boy, just an, ordinary boy but
He was looking to the sky and
Spike POV
*After all the years I’ve been around, I never thought I’d get so damm tired of it.*
I shifted uncomfortably, wrapping my coat tighter around myself, the headstone under my ass felt hard…cold and old. A tired half smile flickered and was gone as I muttered to the silent air.
“Just like me”
Even in the relative quiet of the graveyard my soft words carried on the cool predawn breeze that whispered against my neck. Ruefully I acknowledged the shivers that ran down my spine, as my head whirled with the thousand myriad thoughts and emotions the cemetery produced. Guilt and remorse hammered at me, until I had no recourse but to give in to tears. Quietly I sobbed, until self preservation kicked in and the sun’s first tingling heralded the impending dawn. Wiping a hand across wet eyes, I fought with my instinct to run like a fledging and made my way towards the crypt.
I pushed open the door and stumbled into the dark room, shaking my head in an effort to push the memories away.
“God I can’t keep doing this”
I sank down in a chair, not noticing the homey feel of the room. I’d always loved beautiful things but had not spent a lot of time collecting them. The things I’d found since Africa while not expensive had an intrinsic beauty to them. I wallowed for a moment in the memories, then forced myself up and over to the fridge. Taking a bag of blood out I regarded it with quiet revulsion before raising it to my lips and sinking my fangs into it. Cold pigs blood flowed over my tongue, down my throat and I fought with myself to hold it down. Even though it was nothing like the hot human blood I had lived on and savoured for all those years, the reminder of what I was threatened to turn my stomach. Throwing the now empty bag into the trash I moved towards the bed, wanting sleep but knowing it would probably elude me. Slipping out of my clothes I fell beneath the sheets, curling up into a foetal position, the still quiet of the room playing on my overtaxed mind.
Images flitted before closed lids, Angel, Dru, Darla, Celia, I tossed and turned but still they came on. Buffy clutching her torn bathrobe around her body, her face sad and betrayed, cowering from me. Anya in tears outside the magic shop after we’d been found out, and Xander……….. Xander’s dark eyes haunted me the most.
The man had been full of fire and rage, trying to kill me with that axe. I’d never seen so much revulsion in those eyes before, and I thought I’d seen it all. And to top it all off, I had to rub it in hadn’t I. Let him know about Buffy and that had been the last straw, I’d seen those fiery eyes turn cold. So cold I thought I’d turn to ice right there, never thought the human had that depth of emotion in him. Even after spending time with him, first in the basement of doom and then after Buffy had died.
I’d gotten to know Xander and still I’d underestimated him. I thought that just because he was ordinary, nothing special….. hell I’d even heard him say that himself, that he couldn’t feel like I did. Couldn’t hurt the same way, couldn’t have his heart broken into a billion jagged pieces and still go on….cause they had to go on. No choice, no way out……just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on.
Fresh tears seeped out from behind closed eyes and my heart ached for the pain I’d caused. Even if they hadn’t really trusted me or liked me, the demon hadn’t cared. From its cage inside my head it had howled and gibbered at me urging me to lower and lower depths. I didn’t love Buffy, realised that as soon as the soul had flooded into me, pushing the demon down so that I could think. I loved the idea of her, of twisting her to suit my purposes, of dragging her down when she needed most to be loved.
*God I’m pathetic*
Fitful sleep claimed me, and dreams flowed seamlessly through my rest, one after another until. In this dream I stood inside the crypt staring out the open doorway. Xander stood outside watching me, then he looked away and up at the clear blue sky overhead. He looked back at me and his face was so sad, he held out his hand to me and I took a step forward. I saw something in his eyes and on his face and I felt an emotion stir so deep inside me that I thought I’d forgotten what it was. Music drifted through the dream and I felt hope in me grow a little at a time.
As he asked if I would come along,
I started to realise that everyday he finds just what he’s lookin’ for
And like a shooting star he shines, and he said
Take my hand live while you can
Don’t you see your dreams lie right in the palm of your hand.
The music played on softly in my mind as I struggled to open my eyes. No light crept in under the door so it must be night again. I rubbed my hands over my eyes and tried to remember the dream, but it was gone… but I still felt it. I felt…hope?
*What had I been dreaming about……*
It was strange to wake up and feel that way after all these months of trying to come to terms with the soul and the guilt it brought with it.
“What the hell was that dream about”
I couldn’t for the unlife of me remember what it was about, so I got up and dressed thinking that I’d have time to eat before I went on patrol. I took the last blood bag from the fridge and consumed it before I could think about it. Stepping out into the cool evening I looked around extending my senses, searching for anything out of the ordinary, but nothing moved. Silently I walked through the graveyard but nothing disturbed me on my rounds. The road suddenly stretched before me and I started to walk aimlessly, I knew that sooner or later I’d run into one or more of the scoobies.
I hunched in on myself unconsciously as I remembered the first time I’d seen them after I’d got back from Africa. It hadn’t gone well…….shit that had been an understatement. Still we had an…..arrangement now, they basically ignored me and I tried to help them. They knew about the soul, Buffy had found out one night and told the gang. I’m sure Xander found it to be funny, cause he’d taken to calling me deadboy jnr now. Funny thing was it didn’t really irritate me like it did Angel.
Strangely enough Xander didn’t irritate me at all either, I had always appreciated his sense of humour, though I didn’t let him know that. He had changed from the boy he’d been when I first tried to kill him. Life had battered him down and he’d still got up and gone on. He was harder now, when he’d always seemed so soft and the way he ran himself down had let the others underestimate him as well. But now he was different, I heard from Dawn how he had saved the world and I could see him doing it. His biggest strength and ultimately his biggest weakness was that he loved his friends enough to do anything for them. That and the fact that he was about the most stubborn entity I had ever met in my entire life and unlife. A smile tugged at my lips and I gave in and let it go, thinking about Xander was comforting somehow.
As I wandered I had let my concentration lapse and I was suddenly face down on the hard road wondering what the hell had hit me. I heard a roar behind me and quickly rolled away, not fast enough because something really hard connected with the side of my head and I collapsed on my back fighting to stay awake. Any second now I was gonna die…for real this time but it didn’t happen. I could hear sounds of a struggle off to the left of me growls and curses, I thought I heard Buffy and Xander but I couldn’t stay awake. A smile crossed my lips again at the thought of Xander defending me…….ironic really…..but I couldn’t get the joke out and I felt so tired.
And as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words
Though they did not feel
For I felt what I had not felt before
And you’d swear those words could heal and
As I looked up into those eyes, his vision borrows mine
And I know he’s no stranger
For I feel I’ve held him for all of time, and he said
Voices low and angry, words disjointed and hard, the dark faded a little and I floated up towards conscious thought.
“What the hell is he doing here, you’d think the soul would give him some sense”
“He’s lucky we saw him get jumped”
“Too lucky if you ask me”
“Buffy……anyways I wonder what he was doing, he really wasn’t paying attention, another minute and that demon would’ve killed him”
“I don’t know why and I really don’t care, lets go”
“Buffy, what…. your just gonna leave him here?”
Silence and then I could just about hear the sigh and see the shrug.
“We could”
“Buffy, I know he’s been a complete arsehole but……..”
I could swear I heard her stamp her foot, then her resentful voice sounded farther away.
“Do what you want Xander, I’ve got a patrol to finish”
“Fine, I’ll see you tomorrow then”
“Whatever”
Warm hands on my body, checking me swiftly, surely like someone who knew what it was like to find broken bones. Then a strong sure touch on my face, warmth bloomed as those fingers carefully checked the gash on the side of my head. I winced at the quick pain that blossomed there, and Xander’s fingers became suddenly ……. impersonal? I cracked my eyes open and squinted up at the man looming over me, he regarded me evenly, as I struggled to sit up. Xander moved back and held out his hand to me, I hesitated for a second and then took it and he hauled me to my feet.
“Thanks Xander”
I squeezed his hand before I let it go and he stood there, a puzzled look on his face.
“What were you doing anyway, you were strolling around out here like it was a Sunday picnic.”
I raised a hand to my still bleeding head and suddenly felt a bit dizzy, I wavered for a moment then strong arms came round me and I was supported against a warm chest.
“I’m ok”
“Sure you are soul boy, c’mon lets get you home”
I didn’t object and was summarily hauled back the way I’d come. I couldn’t help but enjoy the heat that seeped into me from my rescuer. Xander didn’t talk much as we struggled towards my crypt, he seemed to be lost in thought. I did notice that he had no problem touching me. I had thought that after what happened between Anya and I that he wouldn’t have touched me with a ten foot pole, or stake as the case may be. I inhaled his scent and a frown crossed my brow, it was almost like….he liked me.
I was just deciding that it must have been a really hard blow to the head and I was still unconscious when we arrived back at my crypt. Xander pushed open the door, slamming it shut behind us before half dragging me to the bed. He carefully sat me down and turned away to grab a cloth from floor, shaking the dust from it he started to wipe away the blood. As he knelt there in front of me I just drank in the sight of him, his dark chocolate eyes were strangely concerned as he cleaned me up. As he worked he started to talk and I just sat listening to him speak in that matter of fact voice.
“You know, Spike and I never really got along”
I raised my eyebrows at him and he chuckled slightly.
“Yeah I know that’s an understatement, but he was a prick and I was young and insecure”
“And that was so long ago”
A smile at that comment, but he just kept going.
“I’ve grown up since you’ve been away, Anya and I had some long talks and I explained to her why I couldn’t marry her. She explained why she and Spike…you, did what you did together. I get it now, though at the time I could have died or killed you for it. I still love her, but I never want to hurt her again. So we agreed to remain friends, no sex, just friends……and it works. She’s happier now, she has the magic shop and the whole vengeance demon thing going for her. She’s dating too, some other vengeance demon she knew before me, so I’m happy for her.”
He finished cleaning me up and sat on the bed beside me facing forward his hands on his knees. It almost felt like he was reciting long practised words, his voice dropped, going soft as he continued to speak.
“I want you to know …. I forgive you”
Tears pricked the backs of my eyes and I turned slowly to look at him, he glanced over at me and a tear trickled down my cheek. Turning to face me his hand reached out and gently cupped my face, brushing his thumb to wipe it away. I couldn’t help it, I leaned into his touch and I saw the surprise echoed on his face. He dropped his hand slowly, almost reluctantly before turning away and clasping them together. His voice was a little unsteady and I listened as he tried to compose himself.
“After……Tara died and Willow…..well I began to realise how stupid I’d been. I’d been so wrapped up in my own pain that I didn’t see hers until it was nearly too late. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what. She lost someone she loved with all her heart and she lost herself as well. And well since the world didn’t end I decided to re-evaluate my life and the way I see things. When you first came back I couldn’t have forgiven you, or so I thought. I know that what you and Buffy had together was destructive, and not totally your fault, she didn’t love you but she did use you.”
He paused and I hung my head, fresh tears flowed as I remembered what I had tried to do to Buffy in the bathroom. Gentle hands raised my head and I found myself drowning in his eyes, we stared at each other for what seemed like forever until he swallowed and looked away again.
“I was a hypocrite, I needed someone to despise and you were it. I’m sorry that I didn’t give you a second chance. I was so narrow minded and biased that I didn’t see that you and Anya were only giving comfort to each other. She said it was solace, what two people who are hurting do to make each other feel better, to take the pain away for even just a small time”
My voice sounded strained to my ears, but I managed to get the words out.
“She’s right, I felt so betrayed by Buffy and Anya seemed to understand…we were two of a kind”
There was a pause for a minute as we digested what had been said before Xander continued. I sat transfixed by his voice, the mellow timbre didn’t detract from the importance of the words he spoke.
“At the time I thought my whole world had collapsed. The wedding was stifling, I honestly felt like I was going to die, suffocated by it all. I only had to take one look at my parents arguing over whose fault it was and I could see Anya and myself falling into their roles. Even if we tried not too, I had spent too many years watching it, living it, for it not to happen that way, to able to change it forever. We forgave each other over the …..thing that happened between you two. I mean I had hurt her so much and once I understood that she took what she needed from you because of what I had done to her….well it sorta hit me hard. Add Buffy and her continuing problems with being alive to the mix and lets just say my mind froze. I’m not sure if it was because she was sleeping with you or because she could do something I couldn’t that hurt me so much. All I really am sure of is that life is way too unpredictable and all too often cut short to hold on to grudges or be scared to say something to someone you love”
I stared at him, open mouthed at that last remark, did he mean he wanted to …….no, he didn’t mean he…..loved….me? I couldn’t believe that. He hated me……with a passion……he couldn’t want to sleep with me, love me, be with me……I was quote “an evil soulless thing” ……except I wasn’t soulless anymore. He sat up and turned to face me, his eyes were so deep, so dark I could only fall further under the spell he was casting on me. The warmth of his hand came and covered my own cold one causing shivers to run the length of my spine. But I couldn’t have moved to save my life…..not even if the dawn came now I was glued to my bed, staring into Xander’s eyes like I’d never seen him before. He took a deep shaking breath and seemed to come to a decision, slowly he exhaled and then he stood. My hands tingled from his warmth so that I missed it when he moved away. He stood in front of me, looking down into my eyes, he was so tall I had to tip my head right back to see his face.
“Someone wise said “to err is human to forgive divine”, I’m pretty sure I’ll never be divine but if I had been in your place that night at the magic shop with Anya, I would have probably done the same thing that you did.”
I didn’t know what to say, my mind went round in circles all I could hear was his voice saying he forgave me. A smile tremulously crossed my face and he sucked in a sharp breath his eyes dilating. He reached out and touched my face, his hand drifting further to tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear.
“Thank you Xander, I don’t think I deserve your forgiveness but I would like to be your friend”
His eyes fairly smouldered and his hand dropped to his side, his voice husky with suppressed emotion.
“Do you think you could ever be more than my friend Will”?
A blinding smile bloomed on my face and I tilted my head to the side coyly.
“I’ve always wanted that Xander, even when I was evil”
The smile on his face was huge and his eyes twinkled with mischief.
“You know I heard a song the other day and the lyrics really made sense to me, the chorus would be pretty apt to repeat now”
“Take my hand, live while you can
Don’t you see your dreams lie right in the palm of your hand.”
He held his hand out to me and I reached out and took it, slowly he drew me to my feet and into his arms. We stood like that for a long moment until he bent his head and I felt his lips lightly brush against mine. I couldn’t help but smile again and this time as I raised my lips to his he deepened the kiss. I opened my mouth and his tongue slid in over mine twisting and tangling them together. His hand came up to cup the back of my head and passion spiralled leading us out of control. When we finally broke apart we stared at each other for a moment, then just the tip of his tongue flickered out as he licked his lips and I couldn’t help but groan. I pulled him back to me, devouring that firm mouth, my hands slid under his coat to roam over his chest. Nipples hardened beneath his soft shirt as my fingers brushed over and around them teasingly.
I felt my own shirt begin to slide off my shoulders as the hands on my body started to disrobe me. When we broke apart again I looked up into those expressive eyes, irises darkened to nearly black, and I felt my body respond to his. The hard planes of his body pressed up against mine and I slid my hands around to his butt so I could pull him closer. He didn’t complain as I had half expected, instead he moaned and ground his hips into mine. I tipped my head forward resting it against his lips and closed my eyes as the sensations of heat and want surged through me. His arms cradled me there and I felt his lips move as he gently explained himself.
“I’ve always been attracted to you Will, when Spike first came here and there was that whole thing with Angel where he gave me to you for a snack. Well I tried to hide it, did the lashing out at you so no one would guess I felt the opposite way. I was so confused, I’d never had feelings for a guy before and I so didn’t want that guy to be you. But it was you, and the harder I tried to get you out of my heart the more you refused to go. Falling in love with Anya meant I could try and put you away and just be concerned with her happiness. I really did love her, it’s just that it would never have worked between us. Then with everything that happened, after that I was so heartsick that I didn’t know what to do. Then you left and I thought you had abandoned us, and hey that was your right, we had no claim on you. My heart ached but it was better that way, or so I thought….and then”
“I came back”
He dropped a fervent kiss on my forehead and I squeezed him tightly in return.
“Yes thank god you did, and I tried to work myself up to say something to you but I couldn’t. When Buffy found out about the soul and told us, I knew I had to say something. You so obviously weren’t the same man and I thought if I told you now at least you wouldn’t laugh at me.”
I smiled and kissed him, deeply, sweetly trying to convey how I felt with my hands and mouth. His coat and shirt soon joined mine in a silky puddle on the floor as bare-chested we pressed together. I let my mouth roam over his cheek and down to his neck, sucking briefly on the throbbing pulse under the skin. His knees buckled slightly and I gave him a nip while my hands found the buckle on his belt. In the quiet of the crypt I could hear the snick of the buckle and feel the vibrations of the zipper as I undid his fly. His voice was breathless, nervous as he leaned into me.
“I..I’ve never done anything like this before”
I kissed him quiet, breathing softly against his lips,
“I know”
His innocence was endearing as he surrendered to me, his body quaking, as my hands grew bolder. The hitch in his breath as my hand found his cock and the unconscious’s thrust of his hips had me panting. I kissed my way down his body, laving his nipples till they gleamed with saliva. I sat on the bed and pulled him into the cradle between my thighs, his hands tentatively threaded through my hair, rubbing softly. I took the stiff denim of his jeans and pulled them down his legs, waiting as he toed off his sneakers. His silk boxers followed and one leg at a time the obstacle of his clothes was gone.
“You're so beautiful”
He blushed under my avid gaze, the strong planes of his body, the smooth golden skin where the sun had kissed him, pale beauty where that same skin had hidden, every part of him was perfection to me. He sank to his knees, pulling my boots off one at a time before his attention returned to me and he leaned forward his face suddenly close to mine. His voice dropped to a husky whisper and with his words I felt my dream returning.
“Please”
Please come with me, see what I see
Touch the stars for time will not flee
Time will not flee can’t you see
Time stood still as I saw myself through his eyes, I knew in my heart that if I ever had a chance of redemption I would find it with him. The depthless well of love in those eyes beckoned me and I saw my future for I truly loved him back. My heart had ever been taken and used and thrown aside, I had never in my long existence given my love to someone worthy…..until now.
His hands rested on my thighs and I took them now as I stood up bringing him with me, placing them on my belt buckle. I leaned forward and kissed him, slow burning passion that stroked and caressed, teased and enticed. His hands fumbled with my pants, the button fly causing him to growl lightly into my mouth. I broke the kiss and pushed my pants down, stepping out of them quickly. Flesh met flesh and the man in my arms shook as our erections rubbed together for the first time. He kissed me harder now, hesitation gone as he gave himself to me, leading me down onto the bed.
Sweet tension in his body made me want him even more if possible as I laid my body on top of his. Heat swept through me as his arms wound around my back, glorious warmth touched me from lips to toes wherever our bodies met and melded together. I heard the melody of the song in the beautiful notes of moans and sighs, needy and soft as we explored our shared territory.
I reached out one handed and felt around on the shelf beside the bed for the lube that Buffy had left behind so long ago. The memories associated with that flickered through my mind but I pushed them aside, I had happier things to concentrate on now. All my thought was bent on making this as enjoyable as possible for Xander his first time felt like my first time as well. This wasn’t sex to me, this was love, pure and unadulterated and I would not give my love a tarnished gift.
I spread some of the cool gel on his fingers and brought his hand around to prepare me. He was gentle and unsure and my heart swelled with love at the care he took. I used my vampire strength to roll us over, so that he was on top of me. His eyes were startled for a moment and then he kissed me again and I was lost in sensation.
Without words he loved me and without words I responded, I coated his cock my hands trembling with emotion. His eyes never left mine as I pulled my legs up letting his hard cock slide over my flesh till the head rested on my puckered entrance. He leaned his weight forward and as his cock’s mushroom head eased its way into the tight channel of my body his lips found mine in a kiss that left me mindless, moaning deep in my throat. The wonder on his face as he entered me so slowly, so carefully was nearly too much for me. My throat constricted as he his arms held me tight, his forehead resting on mine as we just stayed still and quiet for a moment. He stared into my eyes and pulled back, and as he glided in he whispered against my lips.
“I love you”
Tears rushed to my eyes and I couldn’t hold them all back, one glittering drop made its way down the side of my face. Tenderly his lips found it and took it from my skin, softly kissing it away, before moving to my waiting mouth. My hands cupped his face and my voice shook as I rocked my hips in time with his.
“I love you too”
With a moan he kissed me hard, my words inflaming him as my body welcomed him. We moved together in harmony, music swirled around us, I don’t know if it was just in my head or not. It felt good, right like we belonged to the melody, again and again we kissed and moaned in ecstasy. His hands worshipped me, his body rising and falling in ageless rhythm with mine, his voice whispering in my ear.
“Loveyou..loveyou..godIloveyousomuch..myWillmylove”
I could take it no longer, the tension in my body surged towards the peak. I wailed lost in sensation, before falling into pleasure so profound I could only gasp and watch as my love followed me. His face as he came was beautiful, his dark eyes widened in almost soundless rapture, his mouth formed an oh of surprise as his body drove one last time into mine. He tensed and I felt his cock pulse and shoot his hot essence into my ass, my muscles locked around him. The warmth spread through me and he collapsed on my chest his weight comforting as his panting breath seared my neck. I hugged him to me, snuggling happily as he nibbled lazily on the sensitive skin behind my ear. His breathing slowed and he rolled off me tugging me into his arms, I leant my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat slow. Silent we crept towards sleep, it was almost as if we needed no words as we curled up and drifted off in peace.
Just a dream, just an, ordinary dream
As I wake in bed.
And that boy, that ordinary boy
Was it all in my head
Didn’t he ask if I would come along
It all seems so real, but as I looked to the door
I saw that boy standing there with a deal, and he said
Take my hand, live while you can
Don’t you see your dreams lie right in the palm of your hand.
I woke, cold again, alone in my bed. I held back my tears as I glanced around the crypt.Had Xander really been here, did he really say he loved me, had he shown me that he loved me with not only his words but also his heart and body. Or was this some trick of my mind, of fate….could anything be more cruel.
The door of the crypt was open and I saw the last of the day’s light faintly shining through. Unsteadily I got to my feet, pulling my clothes on before going to stand in the doorway. The sunset’s brilliant colours still painted the sky above the horizon in gold’s, pinks and reds it was beautiful.
As I stepped outside I heard a familiar heartbeat, I looked around and saw my lover leaning against a tree not far away. He had dressed but there was a delicious tousled air to him, like he had been thoroughly loved. He was listening to some music playing somewhere close by, and I was drawn closer to listen with him. A piano played and the voice of an angel sang, the words drifted over me…..I smiled this was the song that haunted me…it was so beautiful. The song slowed and the last refrain played, I sang softly along with the words.
“Just a day, just an, ordinary day”
“Just tryin’ to get by”
“Just a boy, just an, ordinary boy, but”
“He was lookin’ to the sky”
Xander turned when he heard my voice, the smile on his face turned my heart upside down and I smiled back. His eyes were gentle full of love and hope and he held out his hand to me. I didn’t hesitate, I reached out and took his hand, he pulled me into his arms and the soft words he uttered brought me home, safe and loved with him.
“I love you Will, always”
~Fin~