Coping With Disaster

By Queen C

Dawn POV

He's growling again. Not loud, mind you. Not that scary way that he used to whenever he wanted to make an impression. No, it's more of a soft rumbling, coming from deep inside his chest. Still, it's kind of frightening in its own way. Because, I know that it's directed at me.

Sighing, I turn my attention back out the car window, watching as the scenery flies past. I used to be afraid of how fast he drives, worried that his reflexes wouldn't be quick enough, and we'd end up in a horrible, fiery crash. Stupid, I know. I mean, he's a *vampire*, for crying out loud! He's fought demons that move faster than the eye can see. Like some eighteen-wheeled semi is going to be a challenge for him. But, I worried, none-the-less. Had that whole fear of my own mortality going for me.

Not anymore.

Now, I would almost welcome the peace that death would bring. At least that way, the nightmares would stop. And the guilt would finally be gone.

I know what you're probably wondering. If the pain is so bad, then why don't I just end it myself? It would be easy, you know. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't thought about it, too. However, thinking about it and acting on it are two completely different things. Because, if I did do it, if I did kill myself, then I would be doing the one thing I promised myself I'd never do.

I'd be leaving Angel alone.

And, I just can't do that; not after all he's done for me, all he continues to do for me. So, I keep going, day in and day out, trying my best to deal with the horror of everything that's happened. I do it for him, for Angel. He's my sister's soul mate, the father of my one true love, and the only person I have left in this world. He holds me at night when I cry, fights through his own pain and tries to help me with mine.

He also hates me.

He's never said it. He doesn't have to. I can tell. I mean, I'm not stupid. There are times, when he looks at me, that I can see the rage inside of him, just under the surface. And, I don't blame him. I deserve it. I actually deserve much more.

I'm torn from my thoughts as he inhales sharply, a sign that he's going to speak. Turning my head, I glance at him, forcing my face to remain neutral as I wait for the inevitable lecture that's to come. However, to my surprise, he doesn't say anything. He just looks at me, shakes his head, closes his mouth with a snap, and begins that damned growling again.

Rolling my eyes, I once more peer out the window. I already knew what he was going to say. That this is a bad idea. That the Oracles either can't or won't help me. That I'm only making an awful situation worse by doing this. And, I agree with him. Somewhat.

I know that the Oracles most likely won't help me. I'm just some lower being to them. But, what if I'm not? I mean, I'm not technically human. I was never born. And, I'm probably older than they are. So, why not take a chance that they may actually respect me? What's the harm?

He tried explaining it to me, I'm sure. However, I'm also sure that I wasn't listening. I've gotten pretty good at that, actually. The whole being able to tell what kind of conversation we're going to have by the look on his face and the tone of his voice. And, when I know that he's about to start speaking to me like some child, I just tune him out.

I mean, come on! We're intimate with one another! We have sex! We live together! And, he has the audacity to speak to me as if I'm some irrational teenager? It's like he sometimes forgets that I'm an adult now. That I'm no longer the little girl that idolized Buffy, nor am I the starry-eyed teen that swooned over Connor. Now, I'm...um...actually, I'm not sure *what* I am. Oh, wait, I remember. I'm the person that destroyed the one good thing Angel had in his life.

I'm the person who killed his son.

I feel the telltale stinging in my eyes and lump in my throat, signaling the tears that are about to fall. I'm not surprised, though. It happens a lot nowadays. You'd think I'd have cried myself out by now.

Quickly, I swipe at my eyes, hoping to prevent the inevitable. However, a moment later my shoulders are shaking and I'm silently sobbing. I try to think of something, anything, to take my mind off what I did. However, it's impossible. It's always there, just under the surface.

After a few seconds, I feel Angel's arm around me, pulling me across the seat and holding me. His hand moves up and down my side as he murmurs soothing words, promises of things to come, the silver lining that neither of us can see.

I wish I could believe him.

Closing my eyes, I relax against him, letting his empty vows soothe my aching heart. I must have dozed off, because the next thing I know the car is stopping.

Sitting up, I rub my eyes and glance around, confusion filling me. Where are we? Then, everything comes rushing back and I'm suddenly wide-awake, my heart pounding in my chest.

This is it. In just a few minutes, I'm going to find out if there is *anything* I can do to fix all of this. Swallowing, I look at the only surviving member of my extended family. Sometimes, that alone is harder to accept than anything else.

There are times, usually when I least expect it, that it'll suddenly hit me. Everyone else is dead.

Buffy died six months before That Night. It seemed some vampire finally had his one good day. Xander and Anya were killed in a car accident two weeks later by a drunk driver coming home from a bar. That sorcerer guy, Ethan, murdered Giles two months ago. Of course, there after what happened, there wasn't much left of the Giles I'd known. Still, I miss him. I miss them all.

So, I'm going to do something about it.

Angel nods at me as he turns off the car. Silently, he gets out and comes around to my door. Opening it, he helps me stand up, his dark eyes unreadable.

Stretching, I look around, realizing we're standing in front of a small post office. Talk about a weird place for a gateway to the nether world. Idly, I wonder if Angel is trying pull some trick on me, or attempting some last ditch effort to get me to change my mind. However, rather than voice my concerns, I simply follow him to the sewer access.

Silently, we make our way through the muck and grime until we come to what looks like the entrance to a cave. Suddenly, Angel pauses, motions for me to stand back, and begins murmuring some words.

I lean against one of the walls, my hands shoved in my pockets. Watching him intently, I finger the box of chocolates he gave me to give the Oracles as a gift. Suddenly, a blinding light surrounds us. Gasping, I try to move towards him, only to stop short as I realize I'm no longer in the cave.

Turning slowly around, my eyes widen. I'm standing in this corridor made of marble, with arches that seem to go on forever. Hesitantly, I step towards the stairs in front of me, my eyes wide for any sign of trouble.

"H-Hello?" My voice sounds strange.

"How dare you disturb us, lower being!"

Gasping, I spin around, my gaze settling on whom I assume are the Oracles. Reminding myself that these aren't the same ones that Angel used to deal with, I hesitantly begin to speak.

"I...My name is Dawn...I..."

The female steps forward, a frown on her face. "We care not who you are," she snaps, looking me up and down.

Suddenly, I feel like I'm back in high school and being examined by the popular kids. Shifting from foot to foot, I force my self-consciousness away. Taking a deep breath, I pull the gift from my pocket, holding it out to her. "I've brought you a gift."

Instantly, the box disappears, reappearing in her outstretched hand. I watch as she examines it, her brow furrowed in concentration. Crossing my arms over my chest, I wait for her to speak again. However, the male Oracle beats her to it.

"You must leave this place. Mortals are not allowed to tread here," he states. Turning to look at him, I realize that he looks a lot more upset than she does. Of course, top quality chocolate is guaranteed to loosen up most any female.

"Do not be so hasty, brother," the female speaks up. "The lesser being may state why she is here."

Smiling slightly, I clear my throat, trying to collect my racing thoughts. Finally, I manage, "I want you to change something that happened. My friends...my family, they all died. I want them back."

Holding my breath, I wait for their response. I don't have to wait long.

"That is not possible. That which has been cannot be undone," the male says. Eyes wide, I glance at the female. Instantly, I feel my hopes dashed as she nods in agreement.

"But...Angel said..." I pause, tears filling my eyes. "You did it before! You took a whole day away, even made him a vampire again! Well, not *you* you, but the Oracles before you. He told me about it!" I exclaim.

"We have given you our answer. Leave us," the male states, shooing at me dismissively. Shoulders hunched, I turn to obey him. However, as I reach the doorway, I pause.

Images of Angel's heart-broken face flashes before me. All the nights he's cried when he thought I wasn't looking. The times that he's stared at the closed drapes, his hand inches away from pulling them open and greeting the sun. The way his entire body shakes as he kneels at Connor's grave. Suddenly, I realize that I can't take no for an answer. So, taking a deep breath, I turn back to the Oracles.

It's time to play my trump card.

"Do you know what I am?" I ask, my voice quiet. Placing my hands on my hips, I allow some of the rebellious teenager I once was to the surface.

They both look at me, apparently shocked that I'm still standing there. Well, that makes three of us. However, I remind myself that I'm doing this for Angel, and my resolve returns in full force. So, raising an eyebrow, I stare at them, waiting for their answer.

Finally, the female replies in an irritated tone, "We have already told you we care not..."

Shaking my head, I cut her off. "No, you said you don’t care *who* I am. I asked if you knew *what* I was. So, do you?" Pausing, I watch as they exchanged confused glances. Smirking, I continue. "I'm the Key, made into human form. I have the ability to open the doorways to other dimensions. My blood...it can open portals the likes of which most have never dreamed of. Ring any bells?"

Suddenly, the male nods. "Yes. We know of you. That makes no difference. We still cannot help you."

"No," I answer, "You can help me. You just won't. There's a difference. Now, though, I'm going to give you a bit of an incentive."

I must admit that I'm pretty shocked when the female actually scoffs at me. It's kind of strange, seeing this higher being doing something so human. However, instead of letting her feelings of superiority deter me, I continue.

"See, here's the deal. You two erase that day...make it so it never happened, and I won't slice my wrists, perform a ritual, and open every portal there is. Does that work for you?"

Oh *my* God. They actually looked shocked. Ha! Score one for me! However, my victory is short lived. Because almost instantly their shock turns to anger and indignation.

"You *dare* to threaten us?" the male booms, energy flickering around his blue-streaked body. "You are a lower being. You have no right to stand before us, much less wield idle threats you do not intend to carry out. Be gone from here before we return you to your natural state."

Ok, I didn't see that one coming. Angel never told me that they could do that. Without thinking, I take a step away from them, some of my confidence slipping. Personally, I could care less if they made me a glowing ball of green energy. However, I can't do that to Angel.

I can't leave him alone.

Then, something occurs to me. I would rather leave Angel because I was trying to fix this than stay with him knowing that I hadn't given it my all. So, mustering up what courage I have left, I stare unflinchingly at the Oracles.

"Go ahead," I say calmly. "Do it. If you won't help me, then make me what I was. I don't care anymore. I just...I can't carry on like this anymore. And, neither can Angel."

Apparently, mentioning their beloved fallen champion did what nothing else could do. It got their attention. I watched as they exchanged glances. Finally, the female looked back at me.

"The vampire no longer fights for our side. He is of no importance."

I roll my eyes, sighing deeply. "Hello?!" I say, "He's not fighting because of what happened! He's too upset. He doesn't *care* anymore. Erase that day, and he'll fight again. Plus, you'll have Connor back, too. Now, you can't tell me that the PTB don't miss him."

I know that I'm probably pushing my luck. But, I don't care. I'm too close to let them think about it. The way I figure, if I keep pointing out the good points, then they'll give me what I want. So, I keep babbling, sounding more and more like Willow as I go.

Finally, the female raises her hand, and suddenly, I can't speak. Taking that as a sign that they want me to shut up, I close my mouth, watching them anxiously.

"You realize if we erase this day, you will still carry the memories of what occurred? You, and only you, will know what took place. And, there will be consequences for all of this. Nothing is without a price. Are you willing to accept that?" the male asks.

I nod quickly, a smile filling my face. It's strange, smiling after so long. It's as if the muscles don't want to work. However, I don't have much time to dwell on things like that. Because, the next thing I know, I hear the female say, "Very well. Good luck, Key."

Suddenly, I'm standing in an alley, surrounded by the sounds of fighting. Blinking, I look around, unwilling to believe what I'm seeing. Connor is standing at the entrance of the alley, an axe in his hand and a look of pure concentration on his face.

I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life.

Shaking my head, I realize what's going on. The demon is charging at Connor, and in a moment, it's going to attack him. Then, the entire nightmare will start all over.

Running as fast as my legs will carry me, I charge down the alley, screaming for Connor to look out. He turns to glance at me just as the demon swipes at him and I stumble, falling to the ground. Looking up, I watch with baited breath to see if my one and only love has the ability to change history.

I should never have doubted him.

He sees the demon strike out and spins, slicing its arm clear off with his axe. Then, raising the weapon over his head, Connor brings it down, right on the demon's skull.

As I watch its body fall to the ground, tears begin flowing down my cheeks. Suddenly, all of my energy drains and I slump completely to the ground, shock filling me.

It's over. It's finally over.

A few moments later, I see Connor standing over me. However, I can't understand why he isn't helping me up. Why he isn't gathering me into his arms and making sure I'm ok. Then, realization hits me.

The Oracles said there would be a price.

Shaking my head, I slowly sit up. I can hear the others approaching and I look up at them, sweeping my gaze over their confused faces. Spike. Willow. Fred. Gunn. Cordelia. Angel. All of them are there. All of them are looking at me. All of them look just as lost as Connor.

Scooting backwards, I place my hands over my ears, not wanting to hear what I know is coming. However, when I don't want to hear something is usually when I hear it most clearly.

So, although my heart is breaking, I can't say that I'm too surprised when Connor suddenly presses the blade of the axe against my throat and demands, "Who are you and how do you know my name?"

Yeah, there's a price for everything all right. My friends and family are alive again. Everyone is okay, happy, and safe.

They just don't remember me.

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