More Crumpets?

By Aristotle Freud

Mermaids

Xander got up off of his knees and made sure the camera was focused.

Tiara: Five dollars.

Stuffed animals: fifteen dollars.

A videotape of Angel and Spike prancing around without shirts on wearing those seashell bras: priceless.

“Your legs don’t look like fins,” Angel said, brooding. He adjusted his lavender seashell bra, blushing modestly as he did so.

Spike stared back at Angel and then down at his own well-muscled legs. He pushed them closer together, and lying down on the floor, began moving his legs back and forth in earnest. He imagined himself flying through the water with the speed and grace of a fifteen year old mermaid, and he giggled girlishly.

“That’s a little better,” Angel said, messing with his shells again.

Spike began to sing. “I can show you the world…”

“That’s the wrong movie, Mr. Spike,” Angel made his stuffed tabby cat say. “That’s Aladdin.”

Spike put a tough guy expression on his face, but chose to speak through the koala.

“Mermaid Princess Spike knows that,” Spike made the koala say, still flapping his legs in the air as if he were swimming. “It’s called creative license.”

“Princess Spike is the best Ariel ever, so vibrant and free,” Spike made the penguin say.

“Thank you Percy Penguin,” Spike said, taking a moment to adjust his own hot pink seashell bra. It matched the tiara that he was still wearing. Angel stared covetously at the tiara.

Spike glared back at him. “Don’t even think about stealing my tiara!” he said. “And your shells are lopsided.”

Angel preened, and a huge smile spread across a still-hidden Xander’s face. After a moment, Spike’s rich baritone voice filled the room, this time singing a more appropriate song.

“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat?

Wouldn’t you think my collections complete?

Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl

The girl who has eveeeeeeeeeeerrrrryyyyy thing.”

Spike batted his eyelashes on the word girl and held the word ‘everything’ for a very long time.

Angel joined him.

“Look at this trove, treasures untold…”

“No fair!” another voice said loudly. All of the observers turned to look. Standing in the doorway was Principal Wood. “You guys never invite me to play, and now you’re singing the song without me!”

“I don’t think that’s very nice,” Principal Wood made his sock puppet have.

Angel and Spike rolled their eyes. Principal Wood was so lame. He didn’t even have a real stuffed animal, because no one loved him enough to give him one.

Principal Wood cleared his throat. “No, no, Sock-o,” he said, a serious expression on his face. “We have to be fair here.”

Angel and Spike looked at each other, and finally, Spike said grudgingly, “Would you like to play?”

Principal Wood clapped his hands together and squealed like a little girl. “Indeed I would,” he said. “Just let me put on my costume!”

Angel leaned over to Spike. “Suddenly,” he said, “I don’t feel like playing mermaids anymore.”

“Bugger this,” Spike said. “Let’s paint each other’s toe nails and have another tea party.”

“Another tea party?” Dawn gasped, tears rolling down her cheeks from laughing so hard. “Who would have thought?”

~Fin~