Never On My Own

By Angel Jade

It was all my fault, I know that now. It’s not because he tells me every time he’s here, hissing it in my ear like some dirty secret. I know I brought it all on myself.

I went looking for death and it found me. Only I wasn’t waiting for him. Maybe I was subconsciously, I’m not sure now. My thoughts are obscured. He tells me things and sometimes I believe him but I know I shouldn’t and now his words mix with my thoughts and trying to find my own voice again would take me too long. And his is so much easier to listen to.

And it’s not because of the things he does, my Dad says it too. Over and over. I know I deserve this now. So I don’t tell Buffy. I couldn’t tell Buffy and he knows that. The first time was the worst. After, I was so afraid he’d tell Buffy. Everyone would know what I know, he knows, my own father knows…

He never mentioned it. Whether that made it worse or not, I’m not sure. It made it easier for him. He just kept doing it. Visit after visit until I accepted it and stopped trying to escape and fight back.

If I had…or he had…told Buffy, it wouldn’t have continued. She’d have stopped it and I’d have dealt with it and maybe by now I’d be back to normal. Happy, carefree Xander with nothing to worry about but failing grades.

Maybe not. But after every visit, it gets harder and harder to deal with. And harder and harder to tell someone. I’ve kept it secret this long, how could I possibly tell anyone now?

He says it’s because I like it. I’m just a whore…his whore…and I like being treated like that.

At first I argued. But I’ve learnt to keep my mouth shut unless he wants otherwise and now I’m not sure whether I do disagree with him. After all, I let him do those things to me, maybe I do. I ask for it, I deserve it, I want it.

And now I sit here, waiting for him, because I know he’ll be here tonight.

I went patrolling with Buffy earlier and we ran into him. In my desperate need to hide it, I tried my best to throw sarcastic comments at him. Play the old Xander so they’d never know what really goes on behind their backs.

He just smirked and, before disappearing into the night, said he’d be seeing me real soon.

Buffy assumed he’d meant her. That’s quite amusing. She has no idea what he’s capable of. To her, vampires bite and kill. There’s no in between. There’s no torture, no rape and they don’t leave their victims alive to think constantly about the abuse they’ve received and the inevitable ‘next time’.

She really has no idea what he’d do to her, if he wanted to that is.

I’m shivering from the cold. The temperature could be off the chart and I’d still be shaking. Curled up in the darkest corner of the room, I’m trying so desperately hard to blend in with the shadows, hoping that when he arrives, he won’t see me. Won’t hear me. If I try hard enough, maybe no one will. I can stay here forever, hidden in darkness and never have to face another person…or vampire…again.

A flick of movement catches my eyes and I look up, terrified. He steps out of the shadows and the moonlight paints a face of pure sadistic amusement. I look and see the window had opened in my silent contemplation.

“Do you really think they buy your act, Harris?” He asks, towering above me.

I say nothing because my throat’s dry and trying to talk would only make me sound weak and stupid. I’d rather just stay still and silent.

Sinking down, until he’s crouched at my level, his smile vanishes. “I asked you a question.”

Quiet. He’s always so quiet when he comes here. He knows my parents sleep next door. But it seems more of a silent threat that if I’m too loud, I’ll wake them up. He’d kill them in a heartbeat and it’d be on my head. Just his way of keeping me under control I guess.

His eyes flash yellow with anger and I struggle to answer him. “No.”

Relaxing slightly, he continues mocking me. Just the calm before the storm. “Do you think they know how scared you are of me? Do you think they know what I know?”

That’s two questions. Both requiring very different, complex answers. “No.”

“You don’t?” He asks, a little surprised.

They don’t, they don’t know. Maybe they know how scared I am, but they couldn’t know what he knows.

“What if I told you they already know everything, Xander? They know and they ignore it. It’s too much for them…for her to believe. That the love of her life could do this to her friend. Maybe she’d rather you suffer than have to admit it to herself.”

I look down, head bowed because the thought of that makes me want to cry. And I can’t let him see that. He’s seen it so many times before, and I don’t want him to see how much he can hurt me with words.

“That little display earlier pissed me off.” He says, sounding offended. “I thought you knew better. I thought…you were afraid of me.”

I am afraid and he knows it. Even I can smell my fear…it’s clouds the room, making it hard to breath. He must know that.

“I guess we need to work on that for next time, huh?” He asks, the corner of his mouth twisting into a sneer.

I clench my eyes shut, how could I have been so stupid to insult him earlier? I should have known he’d make it worse on me. And one thing I don’t need right now is worse.

He grabs my chin and forces my face up, my eyes snapping open and locking on his. “When I ask you a question, you answer it. Do I need to remind you of everything?”

“No.” I say quickly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

“Shut up.” He snaps. “Just answer my question.”

“You don’t need to work on anything, I won’t do it again.” I promise and I know I’m telling the truth.

“How do I know that? I think you need more than a lesson. I think you need punishment, Harris. Don’t you agree?”

Either way I answer is going to end up the same way. But if I want to please him…and I actually do, not out of desire, but pure fear, I know what my answer needs to be. “Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, Angelus.” I reply quickly.

That was a lesson I learnt early on. Say his name when he wants it and never call him Angel.

“Good boy. Maybe I’ll go easy on you.” He says, standing up and yanking me with him. “But probably not.”

*****

It usually takes a day or two to get over each attack, depending on how hard he goes on me. I have to turn up to school, so I rarely get time to recuperate. But after last night I need it.

I lie in bed, not moving for fear of making the pain worse. Even breathing hurts.

But I learnt my lesson and I won’t mess up again. I won’t give him the opportunity to hurt me.

Not any more than usual anyway.

I pray for the sun to stay up, so I won’t have to face him ever again. But it’s only a matter of hours before it’s dark. And although he rarely comes two nights in a row, I can never be sure. It’s the anticipation that gets me. Tense with fear and anxiety, all I can do is watch the window…waiting. Will he or won’t he?

I practically jump off the bed as my mom comes in, a letter in her hand. “Feeling better?” She asks me.

I nod simply, trying to calm myself down. Heart attacks at my age may be unlikely, but I’m taking no chances.

She passes me the letter, explaining that someone brought it to the door just.

I wait ‘til she leaves before opening it, my throat tightening as I see the handwriting. I don’t recognise it as such, but everything about it just shouts, Angelus.

//Tomorrow night.//

I turn it over and the address is there, small and printed, not the same writing. I drop the letter and hide my face in the pillow, willing it all away.

He wants me to go willingly. To him.

This is a whole new level that I know I can’t take. If I do this, then he was right all along. I am his and I do want it. I’m not ready for that.

But at the same time, I know that if I don’t go, there’ll be a repeat of last night.

Choices, choices.

I laugh at loud at the prospect. Choice. What’s that? I don’t have any and I know it. It’s his game, his rules and his whore.

At least there’s one good thing. He won’t be coming tonight. Maybe I’ll even get some sleep.

*****

All the way through school I’ve been dreading the end. Willow’s shocked that I’m not complaining about wanting to go home.

As every hour passes, it gets closer and closer. Not sure what time I need to go there, so I ask Willow casually when evening becomes night.

She’s not too sure if there’s a rule, but about eight or nine. Sounds good to me. Seven hours sounds like forever.

But of course time has that annoying tendency of going faster when you need it to stay still.

Seven hours fly by and I’m suddenly getting the feeling I’m late. Taking nothing with me but myself, I make my way to Crawford Street.

Taking the short cut across the cemetery on the off chance something…anything will kill me, seems a plan. But the only vampire I come across leers at me, as if it knows my fate. Probably does. I bet Angelus has something to do with that.

Quarter to ten when I get there. Still night…he never said what time. But just out of fear, I don’t pause to catch my breath or calm myself down; I simply walk over and in, passing various vampires on the way.

I don’t want to think about why I’m doing this. But I can’t help but label myself insane for walking in there myself.

Perhaps he’ll kill me tonight. If I’m lucky perhaps.

“You’re late.”

Swallowing hard, I turn round and see him standing there. Have a sudden need to collapse because this is the first time I’ve ever come to him…and the first time I’ve never been manhandled into being this close.

“Y…you didn’t say when.” I say, my voice shaking.

He smirks at me, walking over until we’re too close for comfort. “Don’t worry, Harris. You passed the test. You’re here.”

Completely on edge, waiting for the pain to begin, I stay silent.

“Nothing to say?” He mocks. “You’re quite a different boy now I’ve trained you. Better than the annoying waste of space you were, don’t you agree?”

Looking up from the floor, I answer awkwardly. “Yes.”

“Speak up, boy.” He snaps.

“Yes, Angelus.” I wince, wishing he’d hurry up and take me. It’s a worse torture standing before the man who does this to you and not being able to kill him…or better yet, break down and cry.

“You were foolish to come here.” He says, suddenly, walking away. “I could kill you now and your friends would never know. Why did you do it?”

“You asked me to.” I say, head bowed.

That earns me a cruel laugh. “But you didn’t have to answer my calling.”

That’s a joke. No, I had choice didn’t I? Over pain or even more pain. “It would have been worse.”

“That it would have…but why should you always do as I say?” He asks, me, obviously searching for a certain phrase.

With great effort and a surge of disgust, I say it. Should have realised what he wanted. “I’m yours.”

“What was that?”

“I belong to you.” I say louder.

“And…”

“I’m your whore.” I say finally, looking at my feet, feeling as low and pathetic as ever.

With a smirk, he grabs me and presses his lips onto mine, brutal tongue invading my unwilling mouth and holding me there.

I can feel such an intense fear in my chest, and I realise I’m struggling to breathe, even as he pulls away from me.

“On your knees.” He says.

What? No…I came here willingly, I did everything you asked, please don’t make me do this willingly. I don’t know if I can live with myself. It’s bad enough being forced but this…

“Xander…” He doesn’t yell but everything about the tone of his voice sounds threatening, so with fearful resignation, I sink to my knees, feeling yet another part of myself die with the degradation that I feel will never end.

*****

It didn’t end there that night. It never does. And the worst part is, is that I’m falling deeper into this. Now he’ll want more and more and I can’t say no because I’m in too deep. How is this going to end? I’m going to kill myself or is he. Because I don’t see a way out right now.

Staggering home barely able to walk at 6am, just to get home and get ready for school…I know it can’t go on.

Death is far too tempting.

And all I can hear as I struggle to keep my balance while walking down the road is his voice in my ear. “Be seeing you tomorrow night.”

*****

I’ve given up the act, stopped pretending and best of all, I’m not going to smile and joke on cue. It may hurt them now, but it’s better in the long run. It’s better they stay away from me. I don’t deserve their friendship.

I think they were all a little shocked, especially Willow, when I blew them off at school today. I spent most of my time in the bathroom, throwing up the little food I’ve been able to eat lately. I didn’t go to any classes that I shared with them and I haven’t said a word all day.

There’s just something about hanging round with the people partly responsible for your constant abuse while they laugh and smile that gets to me. I don’t hate them, far from it; I’d just rather be alone.

But since when do I get what I want? Giles is heading over and the only place to escape to is the math rooms. I may be messed up but I’m not insane.

“Xander…are you alright?” He asks, me, standing directly in front of me so I can’t even walk away.

I don’t even have to try to feign disinterest. I know without a mirror that my eyes are lifeless and cold. And by the worried look in his face, I’d say he could see it too.

“Fine.” I say simply, finding that the word sounds wrong from my lips. Maybe because I haven’t spoken in a while.

“Willow and Buffy are worried. They said you’ve been acting strange.” Giles says, giving me his best ‘are you possessed again?’ look.

“I’m fine.” Oh look. Two words. I’m on a roll.

He doesn’t believe me and I gotta admit, I wouldn’t either. But still, I have to convince him or he’ll never leave me alone.

“My Grandpa passed away.” I say simply. “Just a little tired from no sleep.”

Ah, now that he understands. So easy to lie to them, you have to wonder if they don’t secretly hope for these simple logical explanations rather than the truth.

“Oh, I am sorry.” He says, looking partially sympathetic. “Should I inform Willow and Buffy?”

“Yeah, whatever.” I say, looking at the hallway wistfully. Let me leave now.

“Okay, you should get to class. I’ll see you soon.” He says, finally moving so I can walk away.

I can feel his eyes on me as I walk but it doesn’t bother me too much. I’m walking away and it’s the best thing I can do. Best for everyone.

Just hope none of them catch up with me later today. As soon as he tells Willow, it’ll get out that both my Grandfather’s are dead and have been for a while.

One glance at the clock tells me time’s running out. But strangely I’m not afraid anymore. Maybe he fucked me over so good last night I can no longer feel anything. Numb sounds like a great thing to me. No fear, no revulsion and no hate. I could live with that.

*****

“Fuck, Harris, I told you I’d teach you how but it looks like you’re learning all on your own.” He grinds out later that night as my head bounds up and down on his cock.

Given up fighting, given up caring, given up feeling…just waiting for the right moment to give up living.

“Can’t see the slayer’s gonna approve if this.” A familiar sarcastic voice comments.

I don’t dare stop to see who’s here and Angelus has no intention of letting me because a hand slips into my hair and holds me in place, moving in time with my head, but never letting me stray too far.

“Good job she won’t find out then, isn’t it?” Angelus says, his voice tense from the pleasure I’m giving him.

Oh yes, that’s me. Giver of pleasure.

Angelus was right. I am a whore.

“Is there something else, Spike?” He asks.

God, no. Spike? This isn’t fair.

“Just watching, not going to share?” He asks.

“We’re kinda busy right now and I’m sure Xander here doesn’t fancy giving it to an invalid. If you can still get it up that is…” Angelus mocks.

An indignant voice replies. “Trust me, mate. I can.”

Sharp pain and my head’s being yanked back. I look up at his eyes, waiting for him to speak.

“What about it, Harris? You want to give Spike some?” Angelus asks, his eyes wild with amusement.

I can see either way is going to get me into trouble, so I just plead at him silently, hoping he’ll choose for me.

“I don’t think he does, Spikey.” Angelus says, shoving me back down onto his cock. “Maybe there’s a minion somewhere who’ll take orders from someone as pathetic as you.”

“You best be careful, Angelus. I may not be able to walk, but I still have ways to ruin your fun.” Spike warns.

“Is that a threat, boy?” He asks, grunting as he comes and throwing me by my hair to the side. Guess we’re done.

“Call it a warning.” Spike sneers, throwing me a look.

“Is Spikey feeling left out?” Angelus asks, leaning over the other vampire as he sits, calmly in his wheelchair. Angelus raises his foot and places it between Spike’s legs and smirks. “Maybe I should force Dru to spend more time with you.”

That pisses Spike off. He clenches his jaw and says nothing.

Meanwhile, I’m still lying here, my shirt ripped off, but my pants still in tact. I wonder whether it’s my cue to leave.

“Harris, get over here!” Angelus yells, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I rush to get up and I’m by his side, like the good little puppy I am, in seconds.

“Over the table.” He says simply and I stare blankly. What?

A hand shoves me roughly down onto the table behind me, my naked chest rubbing painfully over the rough wooden surface.

I’m a little confused now. Is Spike going to do it? Because he can’t walk…right? Is Spike going to watch? Oh please, no. This can’t get any worse.

I realise I should have taken my pants off earlier because Angelus just rips them away and now, getting home with no clothes is going to be difficult.

With one hand on my back and the other holding my ass, guiding his cock where he wants it, he slowly pushes inside me.

I try to stifle the scream that builds up from the pain of having him do this. How could anyone stand it? It shouldn’t be that painful. But as he starts thrusting in and out, shoving me into the table over and over, sounds start escaping and soon I’m begging for the pain to stop.

“Enjoying this, Spike?” He asks, mid thrust.

All I can do is focus on the pain in my hands as I dig my nails in as deep as I can. I try and hide away and block out the conversation that’s going on as my debasement continues but it’s quite difficult with such a painful intrusion invading your body and filling you with pain and humiliation…and all this while someone else is watching.

There is no escape.

Please, please, please stop. So many words in my head I can’t be sure which are making it out of my mouth as I babble incoherently.

It hurts so much.

I barely hear the words being whispered in my ear. “You brought this all on yourself, Harris. You deserve everything you get. You’re just a worthless whore and you belong to me, do you understand?”

I whimper a reply but not even I understand it, so a brutal shove quickly reminds me to speak up. “Yes!” I cry out, the pain rippling through my body until I feel nothing but.

And I do understand. It’s my fault…all of it. I went out looking for trouble. I didn’t tell Buffy, I didn’t tell anyone, I just let him do these things to me because I must like it. I’m his, because I do anything he says. Worthless…definitely. What use have I ever been? Yes, I deserve it and a whole lot more.

He finally finishes, letting me drop to the floor sobbing like a child as he continues taunting Spike.

I don’t pay attention, especially not after they start talking about Spike’s erection. I just want to be on my own, why can’t I just be on my own?

I just move slowly under the table and pray it’ll all end.

No such luck.

“Harris, get up. You’re not finished yet.”

*****

There was no staggering home at six in the morning. In all the fun we had last night I managed to get knocked out. And I wake in the same room, lying on the floor looking like I just stepped out of a car wreck. They could have at least put me in a bed or on the couch. Never mind. The important thing is, is that its daylight outside. Which means they’ll be in bed. Time to go home…find bed.

Just one problem. My ankle seems to be attached to a chain. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t there last night. I pull on the chain to discover it’s attached to a ring on the floor. No amount of tugging is going to budge that thing. I knew it was only a matter of time before this happened. Before he took away my choice, if I ever had any. At least I won’t have to explain these injuries to my friends.

That’s right, Xander. Look on the positive side.

I can reach the couch, so I drag myself over and lie down, waiting for them to arise and the fun to start all over again.

*****

“Xander.” A small hiss in my ear that doesn’t sound like Angelus.

British voice. Spike! No…not Spike. Giles.

“Giles?”

“Shh, stay still, I’m getting you out of here.” He says, barely above a whisper.

“No…can’t go.” I say. “Please leave me alone.”

“I’m going to break the chain. The moment it’s broken, we need to run. The sounds will wake any vampire in the building. We just need to make it into the sunlight and we’re safe. Do you think you can walk?”

I shake my head and try to sleep more.

“Xander!” Recognise that tone anywhere. Always telling me off. Never good enough. Just worthless…they’re better off without me anyway. “On the count of three, I want you to get up and run with me. Can you do that?”

“Angelus…”

“Don’t be afraid.”

I open my eyes and look at him. Afraid? I’m not afraid. I look at my ankle. I’m naked…but I’m not afraid. Very naked with Giles in the room. But still very much not afraid.

“How did you…?” I begin.

“Don’t talk. Move.” He says. He’s got some sort of axe…some big weapon that he lifts in the air. “One, two…” He slams the weapon down into the link in the floor, severing the chain. “Three!”

Grabbing my arm, he pulls me from the couch, forcing me to walk. I don’t make it far before I start to collapse.

Desperately, he holds me up, forcing me to run. The moment the sunlight touches us; several of the nearby vampires run in the room.

Watching the anger on their faces, I’m led away from the mansion.

*****

Not sure when I passed out, but I woke up on Giles’ couch, wearing some of his clothes…wonder which is more embarrassing, wearing his clothes or wearing nothing?

“How are you feeling?” He asks, sitting beside me.

“Good. I better get home. Parents probably worrying.” I say, sitting up.

“No, Xander. I want you to stay here.” Giles says. “Willow’s done a deinviting spell at your parents house, but to be on the safe side, I think you should stay here.”

“Why? What? How…did you find me?” I have so many questions and my brain doesn’t want to work right now.

“I was worried when you didn’t show up at school today. Willow informed me both your grandfather’s died a while ago so I knew you’d lied to me. I went by your house and your mother let me look in your room. I found the note on your floor.”

“Oh.” I say.

“I had no idea what was going on. I’m so sorry Xander. How long has this been…happening?” Giles asked, sadly.

“Not long.” I reply, trying to close my eyes and sleep again.

“Xander please…”

“Leave me alone!” I yell, my throat still very sore from last night’s abuse.

No point in making this harder on him, Angelus will be here to collect me soon. I can’t open up to him just to be dragged away.

“Very well,” Giles says. “Rest some more. I’ve explained to your parents that you’ll be staying with me for a while…”

“No…!” I begin.

“You don’t have a choice, I’m afraid.” He says sternly. “I don’t believe they’ll give you the kind of care you need right now.”

Choice. He’s taking my choice. When do I get to choose?

He leaves me to fake sleep. Fake sleep and think of all the wonderful things Angelus is going to do to me because I tried to run away.

How did Giles know? He sounded like I knew and I didn’t tell him. Okay, naked bleeding and chained up in a vampire’s lair is a dead giveaway but he knew it had been going on for a while. Guess it explained my bad mood better than my already dead Grandpa dying again.

I wonder how long until Buffy and Willow visit?

I sound like a hospital patient. As soon as the coast is clear, I’m going back to Angelus. Maybe he won’t hurt me as much if I go back now. He’ll blame Giles and…

As afraid of him as I am, I won’t let him blame Giles. I’ll just tell him I did it and changed my mind. Giles was just trying to help; him being killed for messing with Angelus would be my fault.

Giles is upstairs and all I need to do is make it to the door…and then all the way across town to the mansion.

That ought to be fun.

I get up slowly, taking it easy. I hurt so badly from last night, but the pain is nothing compared to what’ll happen if I’m not back there by sun down.

Holding on to objects as I walk, I soon make it the door and I try the handle. It’s locked. I look around for the latch…anything that’ll make it open.

It’s one of the stupid doors that need a key. Okay…key, key…where would Giles hide his key…?

I search until I’m too weak to stand and have to sit back on the couch. I’m not impressed. “Giles!” I yell.

He’s down in a minute, worried look back on his face.

“You can’t keep me here. Open the door.” I say, angrily.

“And where are you going?” He asks, me pointedly. “Back there?”

I hesitate and he nods in understanding.

“You’re not going out at this time. It’s almost dark. And I know full well where you were heading…”

“How?” I yell angrily. “How would you know that?”

“Because I’m not stupid Xander. You’ve been going for a while, haven’t you?” He asks, me, softening his tone.

“No…I only went twice but this time he…” I promptly shut my mouth. Bastard.

He smiles softly and sits beside me. “How did it start?”

“Let me out.” I say, as coldly as I can muster.

“Not until we talk.”

“We are talking. Let me out.” I say again.

“Would you rather I have Buffy over here? Would that make it easier?” He says, his tone half-threatening.

I wait to see if he means it. He doesn’t back down. “No…but you can’t keep me here. My mom…”

“Is fine with you staying here for a few days.” Giles explains.

“This is kidnapping.” I say, pathetically.

“You’ll understand in a few days. You may even thank me.” He says, reaching over to touch my face affectionately. I jolt away from him, mixture of fear and anger flashing through my eyes. “I’ll…uh, be upstairs if you need me.”

I watch him leave and look around for an alternative escape route. Only the windows and as much I would like to break them, I have neither the strength or the speed to get out before he’d be here pulling me back in.

I look at the phone. So tempted to call the police…but on Giles? Quickly dismiss that thought. God, there has got to be a way out. If I’m not there Angelus is going to be so angry. He’ll come here looking for me and it’ll be worse, so much worse.

In pain and just far too exhausted to continue, I fall asleep again on Giles’ couch. There’s nothing I can do so I shouldn’t bother myself with it.

Works in theory.

*****

He doesn’t come that night and I’m terrified because that means I have to wait and I hate waiting. At least I’m on my own now. Giles is upstairs and I’m on my own.

Or am I?

Every shadow that passes the window is him. Every sound is him. I’m going insane.

Two hours until Giles wakes up. I‘m okay. I’m safe here.

Suddenly I don’t like this couch so much and I peg it upstairs to the spare bedroom and crash up there. See? Fear is the ultimate medicine. I feel better already.

*****

“Xander?”

“Mmmm.” I moan. “I’m up.”

“I’ve called in sick today.” He explains, quietly.

“Didn’t have to.” I say simply.

“That attitude won’t work with me, Xander. You’re not going to push me away. I’m here whether you like it or not so stop trying.”

Giles is mad with me again. Something’s never change.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah.” I say. Then I feel bad. I don’t mean to make him mad. “Better, thanks.”

He smiles. “Good. Breakfast?”

“Can’t keep it down.” I say.

“You feel sick?” He asks, worriedly.

“No…I just feel bad when I eat. I…” I can’t explain this to him but he doesn’t force me.

“Very well. Tea? Coffee? Juice, perhaps?” He asks.

“Coffee.” I say, closing my eyes sleepily.

“Better come down and get it then.” He says, leaving the door open as he goes.

I panic suddenly and feel my chest tighten. “Shut the door!”

He’s back there, a frown on his face. “What?”

“The door, don’t leave it open.” I say.

“Xander…you’re safe here. It’s light outside…” He begins.

“Shut the door.” I beg again.

“Very well, hurry up.” He says, not even beginning to understand my messed up head.

The door shuts softly and I can breathe again. Well, that was fun. I had a panic attack about a door. I just felt…being far away from it, it was the only way out and…yep, cracking up. I’m gone.

*****

I join him downstairs and take my coffee with a small smile of thanks, then sit on the couch, waiting for him to start asking stupid questions.

“Willow’s collected some of your things and she’s bringing them round later. If you don’t want to see her…?” He begins.

“Does she know?” I ask.

“Only that you were kidnapped. I told her nothing else.” Giles tells me.

“Okay. Don’t. I don’t want them to know.” I say.

“It’s your decision.” Giles replies. “I’ll help you whatever you decide.”

I go to open my mouth.

“Except that.”

“I didn’t…”

“No.”

“I was only going to say thank you.” I say, annoyed.

“You want to go back, don’t you?” He asks me.

I nod simply.

“Why?”

“I have to. He’ll find me and it’ll be worse.” I try and explain.

“Buffy’s going to kill him. I explained to her…”

“What?” I explode. “No…you told her…”

“No Xander, let me explain. I simply warned her that her negligence in her duties almost led to your death. She took my words to heart and she’s doubling her efforts to find and kill him.”

I shake my head. He won’t die. He’ll kill her and then he’ll come for me.

“You mustn’t be afraid. I won’t let him take you again.” Giles says, stubbornly.

“Okay.” I say. Shut him up, then I won’t have to face this.

“I want you to see a doctor. You’ve been hurt pretty bad.” Giles says hesitantly.

“No!” I yell. “No doctors, nothing. You want me to stay, just leave me alone.”

“Perhaps we won’t have to but you must tell me what happened. Not in detail…just an idea, please.” He begs.

I shake my head and clench my jaw.

“I have to know how serious the injuries are.” Giles urges.

“Why?”

“You’re in danger of infection and all kinds of permanent damage.” Giles says, as if I really care. “Please, I just need to know what happened.”

I look away. “Will you leave me alone if I do?”

He hesitates. “If that’s what you want.”

I nod. “Fine.”

*****

And so I told him things. Vague at first. Short snappy answers because this was something I didn’t want to do. But gradually, the sneaky fucker that he is, he got more out of me. And more. And more. Until I told him everything. I hated every minute of it. Worse when I broke down into tears and cried. I think I offended him when he reached out to hold me and I practically jumped away. I can’t stand for people to touch me. It feels wrong. I don’t trust anyone enough.

I could tell by Giles’ face he was hiding his anger. He looked about ready to go after Angelus himself. Though you can’t blame him. After what happened with Jenny…

I actually manage to talk most of the day. Stopping only when Willow stopped by to bring me some clothes. I ended up yelling at her to leave which of course I feel bad for now.

The talking resumed soon after and I even talked (and cried) myself to sleep.

He left me on the couch to sleep while he went to his room. To cry…to sleep…I don’t know, but he looked as emotionally exhausted as me.

*****

The door smashes open with a loud bang. I jump up, my nerves on edge and see him standing there.

“I didn’t mean to…” I say, terrified. “I tried to come back…”

“Quiet.” Angelus snarled. “Let me in.”

I shake my head. “No…Giles…”

“I want *you*, boy.” He says, angrily.

I walk forward. If I walk out there he can’t walk in. He can torture me until I let him in. Or Giles does because he’s appeared at the stairs, crossbow in hand.

I look awkwardly between them. Where am I supposed to go?

“Xander, step away.” Giles instructs simply.

“Here boy. You know you make it worse every second you wait.” Angelus says cruelly.

“Giles, I’m sorry…” I start to say. He moves forward to argue but I step back and he stops dead. “Just let me go.”

“No. You’re not going with him. He’ll kill you.” Giles tries to explain, desperately.

“But…”

“If you don’t come now, do you really think you’ll be able to hide from me for long? I’ll make it so much worse…you don’t want that do you?” Angelus asks.

He’s right. I know he means every word but Giles looks so afraid I’m leaving that I can’t help but want to stay. Giles knows everything and he doesn’t hate me. I want to stay here.

But I know I can’t.

Giles steps forward helplessly as I cross the threshold and into Angelus’ grasp.

He flashes an evil smirk at Giles. “Sorry, old man. You loose. Oh, and send all you’ve got to come save him. I’m up for a good fight. And for every one of you that shows up at my door, Xander here gets more. Understand?”

More what? What’s he going to do to me?

Yanking my shirt collar, I’m dragged away…back to the mansion. Home I suppose I should call it. Because something tells me this time there’s no escape.

*****

“The slayer knows?” Spike asks, angrily.

They’re both arguing while I’m tucked away in the corner, awaiting punishment like a child.

“If Xander hadn’t run off, she wouldn’t have.” Angelus shouts. “But what’s the problem? She comes here, we kill her.”

“Yeah, you’ve done such a good job of that so far.” Spike sneers.

“Don’t push me, boy. I already have him to punish…don’t make me angry.” Angelus threatens.

Spike wheels away, an arrogant look on his face. “Stick with your toy, Angelus. He’ll get us killed, but if that’s what you want…”

Angelus watches him go, an angry look that’s redirected at me.

Why did Spike have to piss him off?

“You ran.” He says, simply.

“I didn’t mean to.” I repeat. How can I make him understand?

“Giles saved you. Why? How did he know you were here?” Angelus demands.

“The letter.” I reply. “He found the letter in my bedroom.”

“Is that so?” Angelus stalks over. “So it is your fault?”

I hesitate and nod.

“Just like always.” He scoffs. “Everything’s your fault. And when Buffy and all your little friends arrive…their deaths will be on your head.”

I look down, feeling tears spring to my eyes. He’s going to kill them in front of me and it’ll be my fault.

“Don’t you have anything to say, boy?” He asks me.

I look back up. “I’m sorry, Angelus.”

He smirks. “See, not so hard, was it?”

That was it? No…that’s not it…there’s going to be more.

“Up!” He demands.

I stand quickly and follow him as he leads me upstairs and into a bedroom. A giant four-poster bed with blood red sheets. So very Angelus.

He places me at the foot of the bed, standing, facing it. He pulls one of my arms up and attaches it to the manacle that hangs there. Oh please don’t let him do what I think he’s going to do.

The other hand is secured and in seconds, he’s ripping my clothes away.

“You’ll soon learn never to try and escape again. I’ll make sure of it.” He hisses.

He pulls out a long black leather whip and I can feel my stomach twist. I want to beg, to plead…but what good is that going to do?

I tense my back, hoping it’ll hurt less and wait.

*****

I hurt so much I don’t think anything exists but pain. I’m amazed I can still think and breathe…though breathing is becoming increasingly difficult.

He left me here after hours of agonizing torture and pain…so much pain.

In the end I begged for death and he laughed at me and told me I’d never get it.

And I believe him.

All I can do now is remain motionless and let the pain burn out.

*****

I open my eyes to see Angel walk in…not Angel…Angelus. Wow, I miss deadboy…

Enough confusion. What’s he want now? Hasn’t he taken enough from me?

“We’re going to see some old friends.” He laughs, trying to get me to put pants on.

Why do I need pants?

Oh…because we’re going to see friends. Of the old kind.

I think I hit my head.

He helps me downstairs…yes, helps…not forces, throws or pushes…helps me down.

And I soon see why. Vampires everywhere fighting Buffy, Giles, Willow, Oz and Cordelia. They’re all here for me. And now I get to see them die.

He holds me tight against his chest. Human shield.

I see Buffy dusting like a madwoman and Giles kicking ‘arse’ and Cordelia throwing holy water around like champagne and Oz is not too sure what he’s doing but he does it well…Oz style. And Willow…she’s backing him up. They’re doing their best for me.

At least they’ll die heroes. I die a pathetic whore.

Giles manages to get free from the fight and walks towards us, his crossbow raised and ready.

Angelus tosses me aside. I’m not even worth protecting him.

“Come on Rupert. You know you don’t stand a chance of hitting me with that thing.” He says.

Giles shoots.

I don’t believe it. Angelus actually catches it and tosses it aside, just as he had me.

“See?”

Giles tries to pull out a stake, desperate to take Angelus down, but the vampire has other ideas. I watch in horror as Angelus latches his teeth onto Giles neck.

He can’t die! Giles can’t die. Stop.

Why aren’t I moving? I try to scream for Buffy to notice but I have no voice left. Please, someone.

I see Giles’ eyes start to flicker and I panic. No. I grab the fallen arrow from the floor and with the last bit of energy I think I’ll ever possess, leap of the floor and stab it into the bastards heart.

As he turns to dust, both Giles and I collapse to the floor.

*****

It’s very white. Opening my eyes hurts.

Pain. Not in so much of it anymore. Strange that.

Must have slept through it.

White? I force my eyes open and look around. “Giles?”

Willow’s face greets me and I smile as much as I can. “Wills.”

“Oh God Xander, I thought I’d never see you again.” She cries.

“Giles…” I begin.

“He lost a lot of blood, but he’s okay.” Willow explains.

I nod, happy. If he’s okay, I’m okay. No…the others.

“The others?”

“Everyone’s fine. Injuries of course, but we’re all alive and well.” Willow states. “Which is more than we can say for those vampires. They’re all dead. Well, except Spike. We couldn’t find him. Or Drusilla. Buffy says they might have taken off.”

But I don’t care. Angelus is gone and we’re alive.

That’s what matters, right?

*****

Giles was out of hospital before me. He promised as soon as I got out, he was going to look after me.

I guess he actually believes he can make it all better.

Usually I would have said no. I hate that kind of attention and talking about the things that had gone on would have killed me inside.

But for some reason. He just knows. Knows exactly how to be. He might be stubborn but I don’t think that bothers me.

What matters…what really matters, is that this time, I don’t want to be alone. And yeah, it’ll take time. But if it means escaping the place I am now. I’ll do it. For me, for him and especially for the bastard vampire who did this to me.

I went looking for death and it found me. Only I wasn’t waiting for him. I think now, I was waiting for something else. And now…now I’ve found it.

~Fin~