Quantum Xander

By JamesChick

Part 61

It occurred to Xander that he hadn't asked about what had happened to the Xander of this reality. He was about to rectify that when another - more important - question struck him.

"Spike? How can you be out here in the sunlight?"

Xander was so used to his Spike being out in the daytime that it hadn't dawned on him that this vampire shouldn't have the ability. He climbed on the bike while he waited for an answer.

"The witch - Red - did some mojo on me awhile back. Made me sunproof."

"Oh. Where is Willow?"

"Dead. Got eaten by a nasty beastie. She was protecting the lil bit; she did good."

"And me? This world's Xander?"

"Killed by Glory. Same as his chit. Shame, that; I liked her."

Xander nodded and started the bike. So he and Anya were both dead here. That would explain why things were different. Beating Glory had been a team effort; everyone was needed. Apparently, even he.

As they drove, he could feel the strong grip of the vampire behind him. It made him ache for his lover. He hoped they would find him, that he would be in one piece. Hell, as long as he wasn't dust… Xander knew he would recover eventually, and that would be good enough. Of course, he'd rather they found him before anything drastic happened to him. They got to the spot where the demons had first appeared and Xander stopped the bike.

"This is where they had him; he told me to go, otherwise I never would have left him."

"You did the right thing. He would have been too distracted if you had stayed. Can't pay attention to the fight if you're worried someone else is gonna be hurt. That's what got Red killed."

Spike wandered off and Xander watched as he stopped every few feet. The vampire would lift his head slightly and sniff, or he'd crouch down and study the dirt. Eventually he came back to Xander and got on the bike.

"I'm driving."

"Why?"

"You don't know where you're going. 'Sides, you drive like crap."

"Okay."

Xander had no argument for that, and if it got him to his mate quicker, he would gladly let the blonde drive. They tore off through the trees and Xander had a sudden flashback to the first time he had ridden the bike with his Spike. It was scary as hell. Apparently, this Spike was hell on wheels, as well.

They drove for some time; every now and then Spike would stop and sniff the air before taking off once again. Xander tried his best to pay attention to where they were, just in case he had to find the way back on his own. So far, he had named each new bizarre place they drove through: "melted crayon land", "Muppets on speed land", "the smelly place", and they were currently driving through what he'd come to call "hell's kitchen" as the place was hot as... well, hell; and there were boiling pits of lava strewn about the landscape.

Xander breathed a sigh of relief when they finally exited that place. They were now in a dense foresty place; the trees looked as though they were centuries old. Spike stopped the bike and nudged Xander to get off.

"We'll have to leg it from here. Those demons have very good ears; they'll hear the bike coming and we'll get caught."

"Okay. Lead on."

"Let me make one thing clear. The girl is the only thing that matters; if your Spike is already gone, we're out of here. If I get caught, you run. Stay alive, Xander. Get Dawn to the next world. If it's as nasty as this place, you keep her with you until you get somewhere she'll be safe. Understood?"

"Yeah, I get it. Keep Dawn safe. Can we go already?"

Spike growled and spun on his heel. He started off through the dense trees, Xander followed behind him. They walked for awhile in silence before Spike stopped and motioned for Xander to stay put. He then crept quietly through the trees until Xander could no longer see him.

Xander began to panic. What if Spike took off on him? What if he got lost here and never found his mate? He could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest; he could hear the pounding of his pulse in his ears. He remembered what the vampire had said about these demons and tried to calm himself. It wouldn't do anyone any good if he got caught because he couldn't control his own emotions.

Spike came back through the trees, a nasty scowl on his face. He approached Xander and shook his head when the human opened his mouth to speak. He pointed toward the direction he had come from and put his finger to his lips in a silencing gesture. Xander nodded and followed quietly behind as the blonde led him through the trees.

What he saw when they emerged on the other side was enough to make him sick. There were holding pens filled with all sorts of different creatures. He saw humans, vampires, some of those little mushroom people, and others he hadn't ever seen before. He didn't see his lover, though. He wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not.

Spike directed him to a tree in the distance. There, chained and gagged, was Spike. Xander desperately wanted to go to him; the vampire beside him anticipated his reaction and grabbed his arm in a vise-like grip. Xander spun around, his face a mask of fury. Spike stared him down with cold eyes. Once Xander was more in control of himself, the blonde released him and pointed to a path off to the side.

They followed the path, occasionally ducking into the surrounding forest for cover. Eventually they made it to a spot that was within twenty feet of the tree Spike was chained to. Again, Xander made to go to his lover and Spike held him back.

With a contemptuous look on his face, Xander watched as the blonde version of his mate crept silently toward his mate. He knew that Spike had a better chance of getting to him than he did but it didn't make him feel any better about doing nothing. Spike was his mate, he should be doing something to help him.

The blonde vampire crept up to the back of the tree and began to work on breaking through the chains that were holding his double. He felt the vampire begin to tense and twist around and hissed out a warning.

"Stop struggling, wanker! I'm here to save your sorry arse."

Finally, the blonde was able to break the chain, and he quickly unwrapped the dark-haired version of himself. They started back toward the path and Xander.

They took off as quickly as they could while still making as little noise as possible. Once they had cleared the camp, Xander pulled his mate into his arms and kissed him soundly. The other Spike growled his displeasure and suggested they save the reunion until they were back at the hotel.

They weren't far from the bike when Spike cried out in pain. Xander spun around and gasped at what he saw. Spike was holding his hand over the stump of his wrist - where his right hand had been only seconds before. In front of him was his severed hand and a very sharp axe-type weapon, covered in blood.

Xander grabbed his lover and pulled him along. There were several demons running after them and they had no time to stall. The blonde Spike had already retrieved the bike and had it running. Xander pushed his lover onto the bike behind the blonde and looked around frantically.

"Get on the bleedin' handlebars! We have to go!"

Xander did as he was told and they took off. It wasn't until they were out of the trees and back into "hell's kitchen" that he began to relax. Not much, mind you, he was still scared for his life and that of his lover's. Spike wasn't looking so good; he had lost a fair bit of blood, and was barely holding on to the vampire in front of him.

When they reached "the smelly place", Xander insisted they stop for a minute. Spike grumbled but did as he was asked. Xander used part of his shirt to bandage Spike's wrist and then used the rest to tie his lover to the blonde Spike's back in case he passed out. He realised to his dawning horror that Spike had lost his ring - it had been on his now-severed hand, and there was no way to get it back until they shifted.

It was still fairly dark in "the smelly place" and "Muppets on Speed land" didn't have a sun. Not that he'd seen anyway, so they should be pretty safe there, as well. But "melted crayon land" had two suns, and then they would be in the real world again. And obviously, the sun there would kill his mate.

"Er, Spike. Sunlight is gonna be a problem for him."

"Should be dark enough by the time we get back. No worries."

Xander shrugged his shoulders and got back on the bike. He hoped to God he never had to travel on the handlebars again. He was pretty sure that Spike had scared at least ten years off his life with his driving, and Xander wasn't so sure he had that many years left in the first place.

All Xander wanted was to get back to the hotel and hold his lover in his arms. He knew that Spike would be okay eventually. Vampires had amazing regenerative properties, and if they could get Spike some human blood, he would heal up pretty quickly.

Xander snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the blonde Spike cursing - loudly - in his ear. They had just entered "melted crayon land" and they were being chased. Xander looked back over Spike's shoulder and cursed as well. The demons from before were still chasing them, and it looked like they had gained a few helpers.

Spike gunned the engine and the bike sped up. Xander held on with a white-knuckled grip; he could see the demons were gaining on them and wished once again that they hadn't shifted to this reality in the first place. Then he began to feel dizzy. This could be very good, or very bad…

"Oh shit!"

Part 62

Bright sunlight bathed his face and he opened his eyes. He blinked rapidly to clear his vision and then sat up with a start. He was lying on the ground, the motorcycle a few feet away and no sign of his mate.

His mate. Sunlight.

"Oh fuck! Spike!"

Xander ran to the bike and fell to his knees. The blonde demon was just sitting up; he had a wide gash on his head from when the bike must have gone down. He still had Xander's shirt tied around him. But where Spike - Xander's Spike - should have been, was just a pile of ash on the pavement.

"Bloody hell! You could'a warned a bloke it was a bumpy ride."

Spike rubbed at the bump on his head and looked behind him. Xander was staring wide-eyed at the remains of his mate. Spike realised what must have happened and he scrambled to the boy's side just as the human let out an ear-splitting wail.

Spike knew they couldn't stay here in the middle of the street. They were sure to draw attention, for one thing, and he needed to find Dawn for another. If he understood correctly, she should be in the same place as he had left her.

"Come on Xander, nothing you can do for him now."

Xander didn't hear him. He was lost in a world of pain and grief. He just wanted to open his eyes and see his lover again. But each time he did, he was confronted with the ugly truth. His mate was dust. Gone. Never again would he kiss those cool silky lips. Never again would he look into those icy blue eyes and see them filled with love - for him, only him. He would never again hear his voice, never hear him speak words of love or anger. Never again hear the breathy moans of his passion, the choked sobs of a thousand torments relived in his dreams. He would never hold him in his arms again. He was gone.

Spike was debating on simply leaving Xander there in the street and taking the bike to go find Dawn. He didn't have time for this; sure he felt for the kid, but he had a promise to keep and everyone else was expendable. The witch, the boy, the wolf, they were all just a means to an end. If their lives bought time for Dawn to escape then it was an acceptable loss as far as he was concerned.

"Oh for... Sod this!"

Spike stood and manhandled the sobbing human onto the bike. After picking up the bags and various things lying about, he climbed on behind him and did his best to drive with one hand while holding onto Xander with the other. He pulled up in front of the building where Dawn should be and turned off the bike. He left Xander outside on a bench and went to find his charge.

Xander was still sitting on the bench outside the hotel when Spike emerged with Dawn. The girl looked around and smiled at the sight of the Sunnydale she remembered. Then she saw Xander. He had stopped crying - though tear tracks still streaked his face; in fact he had stopped everything.

"Spike? What's wrong with Xander?"

"He lost his mate. The other me didn't make it."

"Oh. That's awful!"

"Nothing to be done about it now, Bit. We need to find out if this place is safe, then we need to get him to remove the spell so we don't end up going with him next time if it is."

"We should find Willow."

"Good idea; come on."

Spike put Dawn on the bike and looked over at Xander before climbing on the bike. Dawn gave him a dirty look when he started up the bike and began to pull away, but she was used to his behaviour by now. She looked back sadly at Xander as they turned the corner.

Xander wasn't sure how much time had passed; he looked around, not recognising where he was, at first. Then it all came back to him, the shift, Spike being dust, the other Spike bringing him here and then leaving him. He didn't care. All he wanted was for this to never have happened. He wanted to go home, and he wanted his mate. He needed to feel his strong arms around him. Hear his deep voice rumbling in his ear, telling him everything would be all right. He could never have that again, and the realisation made him physically ill.

Xander lurched off the bench and stumbled toward the hedges before losing the contents of his stomach. He heaved until he thought he might pass out from exertion. Then he remembered that he had left Spike - what was left of him - alone on the edge of the road. He took off running. He wouldn't allow his lover's remains to be swept into the gutter. He had hated himself for years after Jesse died because he knew that his remains had been swept up and thrown in the trash.

Crying and panting in exhausting, Xander dropped to his knees and looked at what used to be the love of his life. He thanked all the gods he knew of that it hadn't been windy or rainy that day and that Spike's remains were still here.

By the time Willow found him, he was crying softly and running his fingers through the dust. She approached him slowly like he was a wounded animal. She stopped a few feet away and crouched down. After a few minutes of silent observation she called his name.

"Xander?"

He didn't answer, or even acknowledge that he had heard her.

"Xander, it's me, Willow."

He was still silent so she crept closer until she was right beside him. She gently lay her hand on his bare shoulder and he flinched. She regretfully removed her hand and opened the bag she had with her.

"Spike, um the new one, said you might be here. He also told me why. I'm so sorry Xander. I wish there was something I could do to make it better, some way to help."

"A spell. Bring him back, Willow. I know you can do it. You brought Buffy back."

For the first time since he'd lost his lover, Xander felt hope blossom in his chest. It was crushed again with the next words Willow spoke.

"Oh Xander. I can't, Buffy was a human - a champion for the powers, even. Spike was a demon. I don't know how; I don't think there's a way."

Xander began to tremble and he turned away from the redhead and looked back down toward the pile of dust in front of him. He knew he was crying; he even knew that he was making this odd keening sound. He just didn't care. What did it matter anymore?

Willow handed him a shirt and when he didn't make any move to take it she slowly slid it on over his head and manoeuvred his arms through the sleeves. She pulled a medium-sized clay pot with a cork lid out of the bag, as well as a small dust tray, and went to clean up the vampire's remains. Xander grabbed her wrists and squeezed them painfully until she dropped the dust tray.

"What. Are. You. Doing?"

Xander was practically growling at her, and for the first time ever, Willow was afraid of him. He was still Xander, the boy she had known since kindergarten. Even if he wasn't her Xander, she never thought she would be afraid of him, but she was.

"I was just going to put his remains in this pot, so you could keep them. I swear I only wanted to help. Xander, I would never do anything to hurt you."

Xander knew she believed what she was saying was true, but he knew what she was capable of, what his Willow had done to him.

"I'll do it."

Xander took the pot and carefully swept up every trace of his lover. Once he had finished, he pushed the cork into the top of the pot and cradled it in his hands. He couldn't believe that something this small held his whole life. He shuddered and got to his feet. Willow reached out toward him and then pulled her hand away before touching him.

"Xander? Will you come back to the shop with me?"

Xander looked up at her and blinked the tears from his eyes.

"Why?"

"Um, well you don't have anywhere else to go, and you should be with friends right now."

"I don't have any friends here. This isn't my home."

"You're Xander. That makes you my friend. Please Xander, come back with me." Xander thought about it for a minute then nodded his assent. He took two steps toward her and then stopped.

"Will Spike be there?"

"Which one?"

"The... new one. I don't want to see him right now. Actually, I don't think I can handle seeing either of them."

"I'll go in first then; if they're there I'll ask Buffy to take them somewhere else. Okay?"

"Okay. Thank you, Wills."

"You're welcome, Xander. I am your friend; if you need anything ... please ... just remember that. Okay?

"Okay."

Willow smiled sadly and held out her hand. Xander took it warily - still clutching Spike's ashes to his chest - and they began the walk back to the Magic Box in silence.

Part 63

The motorbike was parked out front. It was such a simple thing, but it brought him to tears. Bringing back memories of their first few days together, how Spike had slowly but surely corrupted his way of life. He touched it gently, caressing the seat, reliving the times he would lean into his lover and close his eyes as they sped down the freeway. It was such a simple thing, but he knew he would miss it terribly.

Xander waited until after Willow had gone into the shop to open his duffel bag. He found the oil - what was left of it - and used some to anoint the clay pot that held the vampire's ashes. He wanted to make sure that if he ever got home, Spike went with him. Once he was finished he wrapped the pot in a bulky sweater and put that, as well as the oil, back into the bag.

He could hear voices inside; he knew that Spike was in there, at least one of them anyway. He was glad he hadn't gone in. Just listening to his voice - even muffled by the barrier of the door - was making his chest constrict. This was a torture beyond anything he could have thought of. To see his lover's face, hear his voice, and have it not be him... Hell, this was one to make Angelus proud.

Anya had really outdone herself. If her aim was to hurt him, to make him pay for breaking her heart, she had succeeded - tenfold. There was no way she could hurt him more than he was hurting right now.

There was the sound of doors slamming and then Willow came back. She had pasted on a fake, cheery smile and led him inside. He looked at the faces of the people he knew, the people he would always associate this place with. Then he looked at the ones that didn't belong here, the ones that were out of place. One of them so utterly wrong in this setting he thought he might have been hallucinating.

Giles was there, Anya, Willow, Tara and Dawn as well. They were right; they belonged. Angel didn't, though. He should be in L.A., saving people from evil lawyers. Xander thought that maybe he should tell him that, but then figured that he really didn't care anymore. If his life was ruined - if his mate couldn't be saved - why should anyone else be saved? What was the point?

But it was the other vampire that threw him. Standing in the corner, a blank look on her face, stood Drusilla. Xander watched in silence as she seemed to come to life before his eyes. She wove her way toward him, smiling sweetly and dancing to a tune only she could hear. She stopped a few feet away from him and began to twirl in slow circles. Everyone in the room seemed to be drawn into her spell.

"It's all black and red. Bleeding. Clawing at your insides."

The vampiress moved closer and whispered in his ear.

"I can hear it, its music. It sings to me like screaming children. So sweet, your pain. Can I taste it? It's been ever so long."

She snapped her teeth at him and spun away. Xander blinked as if it had all been some bizarre dream, that he wasn't really seeing the insane demoness in Scooby Central. Then Angel stood and took Dru by the arm and guided her from the room. That seemed to break the silence the others had fallen into. Willow led him to the chair Angel had just vacated and got him to sit.

"I'm sorry. I should have made Buffy take her, as well."

Xander looked up at her, confusion clearly written on his face. Nothing was making sense anymore. He didn't really care; he had actually thought for one moment there that she was going to kill him. He wouldn't have stopped her.

"Dru, she has a chip - like Spike. I don't know much about what's going on with you, Sp... He was kinda rude. He just said that you had been cursed, that you were hopping between realities and that your lover was... gone."

Gone. The word itself was enough to make the ripping pain in his chest blossom again. He didn't want to be here, he didn't want to see these people, these carbon copies of his friends. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go back to the last world - before Spike had been captured by those demons, when they were making love. Everything was always better when they made love. They never would again.

"I - I have to go."

Xander stood and made for the door. He flung it open only to run into this world's version of himself. He looked at the shocked expression on the other Xander's face and laughed hysterically. It was all suddenly too much. He couldn't bear the strain of it any longer. As he collapsed to the floor he vaguely heard Willow explaining what was going on to his confused twin. Then, there was blessed darkness.

When Xander opened his eyes again, he knew he was alone. He could hear voices, but they were muffled. He was lying in a soft bed in a dark room. He sat up slowly and listened to the conversation in the other room.

"I said I was sorry."

"I know, but you can't take it out on Spike. That Xander is not me, Angel. And it wasn't our Spike who marked him."

"I know, and I didn't mean to attack him. I just kinda went crazy. I could smell Spike all over you - him - and my demon reacted. I don't like you smelling like anyone else, Xander. You're mine."

"No, I'm not, Angel. Not really."

"Xander ... We've talked about this. I can't claim you."

"Not 'can't', Angel. Won't. You won't claim me, and you're right, we have talked about this. I don't want to talk about it any more. I'm going to bed."

Xander listened with a small amount of curiosity. He and Angel? That was unexpected. He wondered what Buffy thought about all that. He needed to use the bathroom, so he quietly got out of bed and walked to the door. He cracked it open and looked out into a dark hallway. He could see lights on in the room ahead so he walked toward it.

Angel was sitting on a dark brown leather sofa. His eyes were closed and he looked like he was lost in thought. Xander didn't want to disturb him and was just about to turn and walk back out the way he came when Angel's eyes snapped open and he turned to look at him. Xander couldn't help but shiver under the intense gaze. Then the vampire shook his head and blinked. Sad brown eyes looked into his and Angel stood.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine. Um, where's the bathroom?"

"Back down that hall, last door on the left. Are you hungry? I could make you something?"

"No, thank you. I'm fine."

"Some tea, then? It might help."

Xander realised he hadn't eaten in a while, and after throwing up earlier, he probably should at least try to put something in his stomach. He nodded acceptance to Angel and went in search of the bathroom.

Standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror, Xander had to admit that he looked like hell. The bags under his eyes had bags of their own. His eyes were red and swollen and they looked... haunted. Then again, what did he expect? He splashed some cold water on his face and then dried it on a towel before leaving the bathroom.

He found Angel in the living room, a tea service set out on the coffee table. He almost grinned at the idea of Angel owning a tea set, but he just didn't have the strength to make that kind of effort. Instead he dropped onto the sofa and waited as the vampire poured him tea, adding liberal amounts of sugar to it and passing him the cup.

"Thank you."

Angel nodded and fixed himself a cup, as well. They sat in silence for some time; when Xander finished his tea, Angel fixed him another cup. Finally, Xander couldn't take the absolute silence.

"Tell me about this place, about you and Xander?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Anything, everything. I just don't want to think about my own problems right now. You know?"

"Yeah. I do."

So Angel told him. He told him how they had fallen in love, how hard Xander had fought against it. He told him about the bad times - when Angelus had come back - how Xander had learned magic so he could restore his soul. Xander perked up a bit at that. This was the second time his double had been a magic user. Maybe he had a hidden talent after all. He reminded himself to look into that when he got home; if there was a spell to bring back Spike, he would find it.

"So, if you love him and he loves you, why won't you claim him?"

At Angel's shocked expression, Xander explained that he had overheard their earlier conversation. The vampire sighed and hung his head. He mumbled something that the human couldn't quite make out.

"What?"

"I said, because I don't deserve him. Xander, I'm a monster - a demon. I've killed thousands of people, destroyed their lives and the lives of their loved ones. I don't deserve to have such a gift."

"And what does he deserve? Has my double done anything so horrible that he should be made to suffer?"

Angel looked outraged at the idea.

"No! Xander's never hurt anyone. He deserves to have everything he wants."

"He wants you."

"I know, but he deserves better. He deserves a life in the sunshine, a family, and children if he wants them. I can't give him those things; eventually he'll want them. If I claim him, it's forever. I won't let him go. Not even if he wants me too."

"I know."

"Yeah, I guess you do."

They sat in silence once again. Xander finished his tea and stood. He stopped beside Angel and squeezed his shoulder in support.

"I think you underestimate his feelings for you. If he loves you, and I think he does, he understands what he's getting into. Don't deny yourself happiness, Angel. You'll regret it if you give up on this chance."

Xander went back to the room he woke up in and laid down on the bed. He buried his face in the pillow and cried himself to sleep.

Part 64

When I woke up this morning I had forgotten that he wouldn't be here. I reached out for him in my sleep and he wasn't there. It woke me instantly, and then the pain came back. It hurts, like nothing I've ever felt before.

Angel came to me. He held me while I cried and tried to explain why it hurt so much. It turns out, it's because of the claim. When we mated - bonded to each other - we exchanged more than just blood. We exchanged a piece of ourselves, and now that piece is missing. It feels like I'm dying inside. Angel says it will get better in time. I don't know if I believe him. I feel like I'll always be in agony.

I dreamt last night that I was home. That I was in my own bed, that Spike was there with me. I was so happy. I just held him and breathed in his scent. He kissed me. Then he told me he would always be there, that he'd never leave me. He lied. 'Cause he's not here. He'll never be here again. I feel like it's my fault. I was the one who wanted to leave the hotel; I was the one who needed to find out what was going on in that strange place. If we had've just stayed in the room, he'd still be with me.

The others - Angel, Xander, Willow, Tara, Anya, Dawn and Buffy - have been tiptoeing around me like I'm made of glass. I know they mean well, but I just wish they would leave me alone. I have to see Spike and Dawn today. They've decided to stay here, thank God. I don't think I could handle any more time with that Spike. He's heartless about anyone who isn't Dawn. I understand, but it doesn't mean I want to be around him.

Xander and Angel are a couple. Now there's a puzzle. They've been together since Xan was in high school. In this reality, it was Xander who caused Angel to lose his soul. It was also Xander who gave it back - permanently. I have a copy of the spell he used. I'm going to give it to Angel if I ever get home.

This world's Spike is still with Dru (there was no Acathla here, Xander restored Angel's soul just a few weeks after he lost it) they got chipped together and he rescued her from the Initiative base. Apparently that made him more than demon enough for her. Plus, the scoobies feed them, so where would she go, anyway? I'm happy for Spike, even if it does hurt to know that not every Spike is in love with a Xander.

It turns out that there is a reason I'm such a demon magnet. I have a natural born affinity for magics. I never knew. I guess that's why the Xander from way back - the one that gave me the spell oil - and the Xander from this world are so good at it. Willow and Tara both practice here as well, but they're nowhere near as good as Xander. Hmm, I might have to look into that when I get home. Should be enough to give Giles a few more gray hairs and sleepless nights.

I haven't been able to even open Spike's duffel bag. I can't. Not yet. I know what's in there. His duster and Doc's, his black jeans and t-shirt, the clothes we bought for him, his journal and his CD's. Also, the ring. It showed up when we shifted. Willow found it when she came to me - she knew what it was and kept it for me. When she gave it to me earlier today, I almost threw up. I remembered that the last place it had been was on my lover's severed hand. I put it in the bag without even looking at it. Maybe someday, when the pain is less, when I'm home, I will go through his things. Look at his clothes, listen to his music and read his words. But not right now. Right now it just hurts too much.

Xander closed his book and stuffed it into his bag just as his double came through the door - followed by Spike and Dawn. The blonde didn't look very happy to be there, but Xander was beyond caring. He looked up at Dawn and smiled. He was happy for her, having to live in that other crazy reality had to have been rough on her. He was glad he was able to help her; he just wished to the cost hadn't been so high.

Xander stood and went toward Dawn. Spike growled and stepped in front of her. Xander rolled his eyes at the vampire's possessive display.

"For Christ's sake, do you want the spell broken or not?"

Spike stepped aside but Xander noted that he didn't go far. It was disheartening to realize that this Spike didn't trust him. He took Dawn's hand and held it in both of his. He whispered a few soft words and let go.

"I'm finished."

Dawn smiled at him and Spike stepped up. He thrust his hand out toward Xander and waited. Xander closed his eyes, took a deep breath and then took the vampire's hand. He was overwhelmed immediately by the feel of it. It was just like a hundred other times that he had touched this skin, except this time it wasn't his lover. He whispered the words and then fled back to the spare room and closed the door. He stayed there until his double knocked softly and told him they were gone.

"Thanks."

"No problem. That Spike is a bit ... I dunno, but he makes the Spike I know seem like a friendly guy."

"Yeah, well if you saw where he came from you'd get it."

"He told us about it. Some of it anyway."

"Yeah? So what happened there? With all the craziness I never found out."

The two sat on the sofa and talked for a while. Xander listened while his double told him what Spike had shared with the group. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Glory had killed Buffy. Doc had already cut Dawn so the portal was open. Spike saved her, but without Buffy to close the portal, it remained open. Spike had taken Dawn, Willow, and Tara and run for it.

Tara had been killed within days; she and Willow had worn themselves out casting protective spells on Dawn and Spike so when the dragon came at her, she was unable to protect herself. Spike had left her behind, grabbing Dawn and making a break for it.

Willow had been next. She was never the same after Tara's death. She made sure Spike had every advantage possible to protect Dawn - including sunproofing. She had fallen in battle with a group of magic-using demons. Her death had bought time for Spike to get Dawn to safety. He fell in with a werewolf pack for a few days; that's where he met up with Oz.

Oz had agreed to help Spike and Dawn, but only if he did something to stop the new breeds from taking over what was left of the original Sunnydale. His family was still alive and trapped there; they refused his offer to bite them.

"I wondered why he didn't ask to come with."

"Yeah, he had his own pack apparently. He sounds much wolfier than the Oz I know."

"The one I know isn't into the whole pack thing either."

This world's Xander made dinner and they ate together in front of the TV. He asked about the reality that Xander was from, almost choking when he heard about Anya and the wedding that wasn't. He couldn't believe his double had almost married that blunt, outspoken ex-demon.

Xander decided to go out for some air; he had been inside for what felt like days. He stepped out onto the sidewalk and breathed deeply. The cool night air was refreshing; he had the sudden urge to just get on the bike and drive. He didn't care where he went, just away from Sunnydale and any reminders of Spike or the scoobies. So that's what he did.

San Francisco was nice. It was way different than Sunnydale, or even L.A. Xander thought he might enjoy staying here for awhile, no matter what reality he ended up in. He booked himself into a motel and then went out on the town.

Being out on the town consisted of finding the nearest bar and getting embarrassedly drunk. Can't-stand-falling-down-on-your-feet drunk. He was surprised he even made it back to the hotel. He probably wouldn't have if he hadn't thrown up after the dark-haired man in the leather coat tried to pick him up. Vomiting was an amazingly sobering experience.

He must have shifted at some point between falling face-first on the bed in the early morning hours, to waking at some point in the afternoon. All his things were there, the bags that he had left at Xander and Angel's as well as the ripped shirt he had left on the side of the road. He shoved it into Spike's duffel bag and then went to the bathroom and threw up again.

After a hot shower and a shave, Xander left the room in search of coffee and something bland to settle his stomach. He found a neighborhood diner, right beside a drugstore a block and a half from the hotel. He purchased a pair of dark sunglasses from the store and then went into the diner for some breakfast.

After ordering coffee and toast, he picked up a section of the morning paper off the countertop and idly read through the comics and horoscope pages. He snorted at his reading.

Your past comes back to haunt you.

Try to view things from a different prospective.

Love is not in the cards for you right now,

But someday all will be clear.

He tossed the paper back onto the counter with a disgusted snort and took a healthy sip from his coffee. He felt a little better after eating and ordered another cup. He headed for the men's room just as the door to the street opened. When he came back there was a man and his little girl sitting two stools down from his, and he smiled at her as he took his seat.

The little girl smiled back and Xander turned back to his coffee. He drained the cup and placed a couple bills on the counter and rose to leave. He got a good look at the man sitting with the child and groaned. Only he would run into himself in San Francisco. This was supposed to be an escape from the Scoobies. Apparently the fates had it in for him; he wondered if there was anywhere in the world he could go and not have to be reminded of who he was and what he'd lost.

He figured he'd better get this over with. Obviously he had no choice but see what changes his life had undergone in each new place. He tapped the other Xander on the shoulder and when he looked up he removed his glasses. The other man jumped, his eyes bugged out a fair bit and he stumbled to his feet.

"Who - who are you?"

"I'm you."

Part 65

They walked for awhile until they reached a small park in one of the nicer neighbourhoods. While the little girl went to play in the sandbox, Xander and his double sat down. Xander looked at the small child; she was very pretty with dark brown hair and the greenest eyes he'd ever seen.

"She's yours?"

"Yes. Her name is Amelia."

"She's very pretty. How old is she?"

"She's two and a half. Almost."

"Who's her mother? Cordelia?"

The other Xander smiled and shook his head. He looked over at his daughter and watched her play for a few minutes. When he turned back to his double, he was watching Amelia as well.

"Willow."

"Huh?"

"Her mother. It's Willow. We moved away when we found out she was pregnant; got married and settled down here. Sunnydale is no place for a child to grow up."

Xander nodded his agreement.

"Is she ... Where is Wills?"

"At home, working. She runs a very successful Internet company."

"What about you?"

"I help her."

They sat quietly until Amelia decided she wanted to play on the swings for awhile. Xander watched as his doppelganger lifted the little girl into his arms and carried her to the swings. He looked happy pushing his daughter and laughing at her demands to go higher. He never would have pictured himself with children - his life was monsters and slaying and construction work.

After a while, Xander came back and invited his twin to come back to his house and see Willow. Xander accepted and they headed out of the park. They walked the four blocks to the house and Xander waited outside while his twin went in to explain things to his wife. The door opened a few minutes later and Xander came back out followed by Willow and Amelia.

Willow was beautiful. Her hair was still long and the deep auburn shade it had been in high school. She was wearing a pair of soft, faded denims and a pink button-up shirt. It looked like it wouldn't fit over her swollen belly for much longer. She had to be at least seven months pregnant.

"Wow."

"Um, hi."

"Willow, you look ... wow. Pregnancy agrees with you."

She smiled at him; it was a smile he hadn't seen in a very long time. It was the smile of his childhood friend, before everything went crazy. This was the smile of a young girl who thought the world was a good place. Before she became the uber-powerful witch his Willow now was. He never realised how much he missed this part of her.

"Thank you. So, Xander tells me you're on some kind of tour of the universe, huh? How'd that happen?"

"Long story. Be lucky you got out of Sunnydale when you did. That place is cursed."

Willow led them all inside and they sat around the kitchen table with coffee and cookies while Xander filled them in on his life story. He left out the parts about Willow and her use of magic, as well as the fact that she was gay now. He didn't figure it was relevant to this Willow and Xander. Plus he didn't tell them about Spike. He knew if he tried to talk about his lover he would start to cry, and he really didn't want to do that here.

Willow was shocked, to say the least. She hadn't really thought about Sunnydale since they'd left. She was happy in San Francisco. She was married to her childhood sweetheart, had a beautiful daughter and a baby on the way, a great job, a nice home and a future.

Xander waited until Willow had put the little one down for a nap before asking about their life together. He just wanted to get this over with, find out what was up so he could go back to the hotel and maybe get wasted again. If he wasn't so sure that he needed the information before he'd be able to shift again, he wouldn't have bothered.

It was too bad too, 'cause before the last world and losing Spike, he would have been eager to find out how all this had happened.

"It was back in senior year. I was dating Oz and Xander was temporarily insane."

"By that, she means I was dating Cordy."

"Like I said - insane. Anyway, we got kidnapped by Spike..."

Xander swallowed down the sob that started to rise in his throat at the sound of that name.

" ... he wanted a love spell for Drusilla. Long story short, we got caught kissing by Cordelia and Oz. They didn't take it well. We got together, weren't careful enough, and left town right before graduation."

"We didn't tell anyone. We just left."

"They probably think we're dead. It's better this way; if they knew we were alive, they'd just drag us back into that life again."

"We don't want that. We're happy here."

Xander nodded and finished his coffee. He wondered if it would be rude to just leave? He really didn't want to be here anymore. Not with Mr. and Mrs. "Perfect Little Family".

"Well, I think I have what I need to be able to move on. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm sure you understand that I just want to get home."

"Of course."

"We understand."

Willow walked him to the door and touched him gently on the cheek before leaning up and hugging him briefly.

"I hope you find your way home, Xander. And I hope you have a good life when you get there. Maybe you should think about leaving Sunnydale; staying hasn't seemed to do you any good."

"Yeah, you might be right there. I'll think about it."

Xander walked back towards his hotel, only stopping long enough to pick up a bottle of JD and a pack of cigarettes. He wasn't actually going to smoke them, but he wanted to smell the smoke. It soothed him and made him feel like Spike was still with him.

Part 66

Well, it looks like we have now come to the "Buttmonkey" portion of my little sojourn into hell. I am a woman. A pregnant woman. Oh, and it gets better; it's all Buffy's fault.

Let's start from the beginning, shall we? After drinking far more than a human body should be capable of, I passed out in my hotel room in SF. When I woke up I was still in SF, still in a hotel but not in the same reality. I've figured out that the only way I get to leave is when I've learned whatever it is I need to know about this new reality.

That in mind, I hopped on the bike and headed back to SD. I figure the faster I do this the sooner I maybe get to go home. So what do I learn upon entering the Magic Box?

That I am a woman here. That I am pregnant. And that it's all Buffy's fault. You know, Spike would have loved this. He would have seen the humour in the situation; I don't. All I see is a miserable pregnant woman who misses her dick. I know I would.

I can just imagine how my mate would react to this; the leering looks as he tried to picture female me without his clothes on. The biting comments, the teasing looks, knowing that he'd be thinking about his double and my double having a child. He would have loved this. I wish he were here to share it, to tease me, to make me see the humour in it. I just wish he were here. Do you hear that, fates? I made a wish!

Seems the Xander of this world found out about Buffy and Spike's little tryst and got a bit pissed with her. Anya found her at the Bronze - Anya being a demon again and not telling anyone - and plied her with wine coolers. Buffy poured her little heart out about big, mean Xander and then said: and I quote: I wish that Xander knew how it feels to be a woman, how it feels to have Spike so totally devoted to him. To carry a piece of him inside, growing and growing, until it just had to be set free.

So, now you have a completely besotted Spike, a miserable, pregnant Xander, and a very stubborn vengeance demon who refuses to undo her work. Add to that an angry watcher, an apologetic slayer, a giggling teenager and two flustered witches and you have a whole new level of hell. Have I learned enough about this world? Can I leave now?

Xander was staying at the Holiday Inn. Never again would he spend a single night in the Sunnydale Motor Lodge. It was their place; he couldn't imagine being there without Spike.

He felt sorry for the Spike of this world, being in love with someone because you were under a curse was just wrong. Being in love and not having it returned was even worse. Although, he was pretty sure that Xander actually had the fuzzy end of the lollypop on this deal. He was the one who lost his parts and got knocked up.

Xander drew a hot bath and pulled the CD player out of his bag. He sunk into the blissful heat and closed his eyes as the first notes of Queen's 'I've Got to Break Free' poured out of the tiny headphone speakers.

His eyes snapped open and sat bolt upright in the water. He hadn't even looked to see what disk was inside. He wished he would have; the last time he'd heard this, it was his lover's voice singing along softly as he was hunched over his journal scribbling like a man possessed. Xander had just listened to him sing; he loved to hear him, whether he was singing something soft and low or belting it out at the top of his lungs.

Lying back in the tub once again, Xander closed his eyes and let the tears fall. He tried to remember all the good times he had had with Spike, the laughs they had shared; the peaceful moments when it seemed like they were the only two people in the world. A smile graced his features as he recalled the time when, in a giddy mood, he had teased his mate about his poetic aspirations. He had demanded him to describe the colour of his eyes. Spike had looked at him like he was crazy, then a sly smile crossed his face and he stared into Xander's eyes. They he said very succinctly; they're brown, and a bit bloodshot. You should get more sleep, luv. Xander had laughed and kissed him. Then they went to bed and Spike showed him without words all the things that the poet inside him wanted to say.

By the time the water was cooled off and Xander's skin resembled that of a prune, he was feeling a bit better. He had been putting off thinking about Spike, not wanting to let in the pain it would bring. But in doing that, he was also shutting himself off from the happy memories, too. He needed to remember the happiness, the love that they had for one another.

Xander dried, dressed and crawled into bed. Just as he was turning off the light, he felt the familiar wave of dizziness crash over him. He clenched his eyes tightly and waited for it to pass. When he opened them again, he had to laugh. The door was opening and a couple were backing into the room, exchanging heated kisses and frantic gropes. Xander cleared his throat, not wanting them to start undressing in front of him.

"Excuse me?"

The couple pulled apart and the man immediately began to apologise. The woman blushed furiously and righted her clothing. Xander smiled in what he hoped was a friendly way, glad that he had not still been in the tub when this happened.

"I'm so sorry, we must have the wrong room."

The man looked at his key and then looked at the number on the door. He turned a confused look to Xander when the room number and the key number matched.

"Is there a problem?"

"Uh, they gave me the right key, it's for this room. I don't understand."

"Hmm, maybe they double-booked it. You should go back down and get this cleared up."

The man nodded and, wrapping an arm around the still-flustered young woman, left the room. Xander got out of bed and quickly got dressed. He was surprised that the guy never mentioned the fact that the bike was parked in the middle of the room.

Pushing a motorcycle down three flights of stairs while carrying two heavy duffel bags and chuckling to yourself isn't easy, but Xander managed it with a minimum of difficulty. He couldn't stay there, not now that the manager was sure to come up to find out what the mix-up was. Besides, the faster he found the scoobies, the faster he could shift again.

Xander drove through the streets in the direction of Giles' place. It was the most likely place to find the gang at this hour of the night - other than a cemetery. He really wasn't up to searching them all, and if they were out, he could talk to Giles first. Giles always asked a lot of questions, but he was usually willing to answer some, as well.

There was a low light coming from the front window of the apartment, so Xander knocked softly on the door. He smiled when a sleepy-looking Giles - in robe and slippers, carrying a book - opened the door.

"Hey, Giles. What's up?"

"X-Xander? Is that really you?"

The hope and suspicion in his voice had Xander tensing, waiting for the worst.

"In a way. I'm Xander, just not this world's Xander."

Giles sighed the sigh of a world-weary man who had seen too much to be surprised by anything anymore, and opened the door further.

"Well, I suppose then that you would like to come inside and talk?"

"Er, yeah. If you don't mind."

"Are you a vampire?"

"No."

"A demon of some sort?"

"Again, no."

"Under a thrall?"

"Um, I'm sensing some suspicion here. You want to feel my pulse? Do some mojo detection spell?"

"This is the hellmouth Xander, one can never be too careful."

Giles stepped away from the door, allowing Xander to enter without actually inviting him in. They went into the living room where Giles re-seated himself in his chair and watched Xander warily as he sat down on the sofa.

"So, what was with the shock at seeing me? Where is the Xand-man of this reality?"

"Er, it's rather a long story."

"Well, I'm not going anywhere - and I mean that literally - so why don't you fill me in."

Giles took off his glasses and began to polish them on the hem of his robe as Xander made himself comfortable on the couch. After replacing his glasses, Giles looked at him and shook his head.

"I think perhaps, you should tell me your story first, if you don't mind."

"Sure thing, G-man."

Giles pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head ruefully.

"That, if nothing else, tells me that you really are Xander. Gods, how I hate that name."

Xander laughed and then began the story of his trip through reality, started with the wedding that wasn't. By the time he had gotten to the reality where Drusilla was his sire and he was master of the hellmouth, Giles had begun to take notes and ask questions. Xander once again thought about making up flyers.

Eventually, he finished his tale by telling Giles about the couple that walked into their hotel room to find him lying in the bed. The watcher put down his pen and notepad and studied the young man in front of him.

"This must be terribly frustrating for you."

"You have no idea."

"I will answer any questions you have, but I think I'd like to make some tea first. Would you like some?"

"Yeah, why not."

While Giles went off to make tea, Xander closed his eyes and tried to relax. He had told Giles some of what had happened with Spike, not that they had been lovers, or the extent of the damage Riley had done to him, but that he had rescued him from a life of slavery, that they were friends and that he had recently been killed. He wasn't sure why he had done it. He just felt the need to include Spike in the telling of his story. To have Giles know that he hadn't been alone the whole time, that he had companionship.

After a few minutes, Giles returned with a tray of tea and cookies. He set it out on the coffee table and poured out two cups before handing one to Xander. He then picked up his own and took a sip before clearing his throat.

"Well, I suppose you want to know what happened to you in this timeline?"

"Yeah, would be nice."

"Alright then. But I'm afraid you won't like the answer."

Xander closed his eyes, took a deep breath and waited to hear what his fate had been here. After all, it couldn't be worse than being a pregnant woman, could it?

Part 67

"Dracula?!"

Xander was pacing angrily back and forth throughout the watcher's living room. He was livid, beyond angry at the fate of this world's Xander. He may have been a woman in the last place but at least he wasn't someone's bug-eating-man-bitch.

"That bastard! I'll stake him, I'll kill him 'til his dust is dust! Where is he? Point me in the direction of the bastard's lair. I'll tear him limb from limb!"

"Xander. Calm yourself. This behaviour will not change the facts; the Xander of this world has been under Dracula's thrall for some time now. We're not even sure that he's still human."

Xander spun around and glared at the older man.

"What do you mean, you're not even sure? Have you even tried to save him? Where the hell is Buffy? Spike? Christ, even Deadboy?"

"Buffy has tried - numerous times - to rescue him. As for Spike, well, he's in league with Dracula. Seems that he was more than willing to switch sides since Drac was able to turn off his chip."

Xander slumped dejectedly onto the couch. He cradled his head in his hands and sighed.

"Deadboy?"

"We haven't been able to contact Angel. It's as if he's dropped off the face of the earth. Cordelia, as well."

"Where is he staying? Dracula, I mean."

"He has a rather large mansion just outside of town. It is heavily guarded. It seems we were rather foolish in allowing Spike to observe us so closely. He knows they way we think, every attack we've made has been thwarted. It's most embarrassing."

Xander couldn't help but chuckle. They always did underestimate the vampire. With Spike watching Drac's back, it was unlikely Buffy would get anywhere near him. Not unless they wanted her to. But perhaps, he stood a chance to get inside.

"I might have more luck than Buffy. I have a secret weapon on my side."

Giles perked up somewhat at that remark.

"Really? Do tell."

"I ... well ... "

Xander pulled the neck of his shirt aside and showed Giles his scar. He watched as the implications dawned on the watcher. He saw the shock and then the wariness and suspicion grace the older man's features.

"It's a claim mark."

"I know, I was there."

"Who? No wait, it was Spike wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me you had mated to a vampire?"

"It's personal. If circumstances weren't this dire, I wouldn't be telling you now."

"I see."

Xander sighed and looked at Giles, trying to will the man into believing him.

"It doesn't change anything I told you. I'm not under some vampire mind trick. Spike, my Spike is dust. He's gone, and as much as that hurts, I have no choice but to continue this damned journey on my own. If I can put things straight along the way, then I'll do what I can. Do you want Xander back?"

"Of course we do!"

"Then you'll have to trust me."

Giles nodded and poured himself another cup of tea.

"I'll call Buffy. We can make plans tomorrow. You're welcome to stay in the guest room, if you wish."

"Thank you. I appreciate that."

Xander went back out and retrieved his bags from the bike and brought them inside. He put his and Spike's things in the spare room and then returned to the living room. Giles was just finishing his tea and putting his book back on the shelf.

"I'm heading to bed. Feel free to make yourself at home, Xander. I'll see you in the morning."

Giles went up to his room and Xander spent the next few minutes perusing the books on the watcher's shelves. He selected two volumes on rudimentary witchcraft and settled in to read. He wanted to know if he had any magical abilities or if it had simply been a fluke in the other Xanders' cases.

Xander read through the first book, trying a couple of the simple incantations. He was amazed to learn that he was able to perform the simple spells after only a few tries. He had floated a feather on the second try, and making a pencil burst into flame had only taken a dozen tries before he got it. Of course he had to dump the remainder of the tea on it to put it out, but all the same, he was pleased with his progress.

He decided to keep the book he was reading, taking it to his room with him. He felt a bit guilty at stealing from Giles, but he wanted to learn and didn't have time to order books the regular way. He put the book into his duffel bag and crawled into bed. He was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

Xander woke up to a crossbow pointed at his chest and a group of very startled-looking people. He groaned and sighed in frustration. He really hadn't wanted to shift yet. He was hoping to save himself from Dracula first. He looked up at Buffy - who was holding the crossbow - and smiled.

"Uh, heya Buff. What's with the weaponry?"

Buffy looked confused and narrowed her eyes at him. Giles and Oz stepped forward with a set of manacles and Willow began to chant a spell at him. He looked from one confused face to another before he finally gave up on getting any answers and just held out his hands to be restrained.

Giles and Oz quickly attached the cuffs to his wrists and then roughly flipped him over to chain his ankles, as well. Then they wrapped a length of chain around his torso for good measure. Xander put up with being pulled and pushed around for a few minutes before clearing his throat to get everyone's attention.

"If you're done playing with 'Shackle-me-Xander', can I ask a question?"

Oz quirked an eyebrow, Giles blushed, Willow looked apprehensive and Buffy simply shrugged. Xander took that as permission to speak and asked the question that had been plaguing him since he had awakened.

"What the hell is going on here?"

The group looked at one another and then back at Xander. Willow threw a handful of herbs at him and they watched in confusion as nothing happened. Giles turned to Willow and looked at her quizzically.

"It should have worked, Giles."

"Are you certain you performed the spell correctly?"

"Yes! It's not like it's a difficult spell. It's a simple manifestation spell."

"Well, then how come he isn't glowing?"

"I don't know? Maybe he's got a protection spell on him?"

While the witch and the watcher argued, Oz stepped closer to Xander and sniffed him. Xander shook his head and waited. Oz looked at him, quirked his brow and turned to Buffy.

"He's not possessed."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, he smells human again."

"That's because I am human. What the hell is wrong with you people?"

Xander was quickly losing his patience. He wanted out of these chains and he wanted answers. Willow and Giles were still arguing over the spell, therefore missing Oz's observation and Xander's statement of fact.

"Okay, I think I've been more than patient. I've allowed you people to chain me up like an animal, talk about me as if I wasn't here and totally ignore my questions. Now, I want out of these chains, I want to use the bathroom and I want answers. In that order."

Giles and Oz unchained him while Buffy continued to train her crossbow on him. Xander stretched, sat up and then smiled at Buffy.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to attack or anything. Can I use the bathroom? I promise to tell you why I'm here after I finish."

"Very well. Oz will accompany you."

The werewolf took the slayer's bow and followed close behind as Xander walked toward the bathroom. Xander wondered just what the hell had happened in this world to merit such drastic behaviour. After relieving himself under the watchful eye of Oz, he washed his hands and rinsed his mouth before shrugging at the smaller man and heading back to the bedroom.

"Do you think we could take this downstairs?"

"Certainly, Xander. It would be more comfortable, after all."

"Thanks G-man. Can I get dressed first?"

Xander looked pointedly at his t-shirt and boxers and grinned. The others all dutifully blushed, except for Oz who just continued to watch him and hold the crossbow steady.

"I'll even let Oz stay and watch if you like. Just getting a bit chilly here if you get my drift."

"Oh. Yes, of course. We'll be downstairs."

The other three left and Xander pulled his jeans on and looked over at Oz.

"You can put that down. I'm not going to attack you."

"Yeah, I kinda thought not."

The wolf lowered the weapon and waited until Xander had gotten his shirt, socks and shoes on before speaking again.

"You smell off. Not animal-like, but there's something off about you."

"Yeah. Look it's kinda personal. I'll tell you, but only because you can sense it. It's a claim."

With that, Xander showed Oz his scar and explained briefly about his mate and what had happened. He didn't mention that it was Spike, and had no intention of telling him, either.

"That explains it. You smell human, but I could tell there was something. I just didn't know what it was."

"You won't tell the others?"

"None of their business."

"Cool. Thanks, man."

They went downstairs and Xander once again explained himself and his curse. When he finished, he was met with mixed reactions. Buffy was sceptical about alternate realities, Willow seemed excited by the idea of it, Oz was his usual aloof self, and Giles was reaching for the books.

"I'm sorry, Xander. What did you say this demon's name was again?"

"Anyanka. She's the patron saint of scorned women. Just one of many vengeance demons out there."

"And you almost married her? I always said you had little sense in these matters."

"Hey! I resemble that remark."

Giles smiled kindly at the young man and went back to his books. Xander waited for a few minutes but when no one spoke up, he finally broke the silence.

"So, what happened to the Xander of this reality?"

It was Oz who answered.

"Hyena possession."

"Oh."

Part 68

Well. I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or not. I seem to be moving through realities more quickly than usual the past few days. I mean, I only spent one day in the Xander-married-Willow world, less than a day in the Xander-is-a-pregnant-women-carrying-Spike's-love-child world, only a few hours in the bug-eating-man-bitch reality and now I seem to have landed in the Hyena-Xander-is-still-at-large world.

Yeah, nice, huh? Somewhere out there in the wilds of California, my pack runs free. Kyle, Tor, Rhonda, Heidi, and yours truly, the Xan-man. It's totally freaksome. 'Cause I know what they - the rest of them - did to Mr. Flutie. Does that mean that I've tasted human flesh? Am I a cannibalistic hyena-possessed monster in this world? Oh god, why didn't they unpossess me, repossess me, whatever, in this reality?

It's hard to think about, knowing that I've killed people. I mean, okay, I've met my vampire self and yeah, big scary there. But he wasn't me. He was just a demon wearing my body, using my memories. The hyena is me. I remember; I was there. It was I that did those things as much as the beast. It didn't push my soul out of my body; it merged with it, made me like it was - wild, passionate, free.

I still remember how it felt to tear into living flesh, taste the salty blood and devour the raw meat of my prey. I remember how liberating it was to shake of the constraints of humanity and just be ... animal. It was scary when I came back to myself, remembering the freedom and the wild abandon. A part of me was sickened, but another part, a part that I tried to bury as deep as possible, missed it.

It was more than just the freedom though. It was the belonging, knowing that I had a "pack", that I wasn't alone. It was the comfort of bodies pressing against me, wanting to please me and be pleased by me in return. One thing I was thankful for was the fact that no one ever found out just how "close" I had gotten with the others. I didn't actually have sex per se with Tor or Kyle, but there was some naughty touching between us while I made use of the female members of my pack. I was very glad that they never mentioned it afterwards.

Going back to being the zeppo was hard after that. I still dreamed of running wild, hunting prey and tearing flesh. I would wake up in a haze of arousal and despair. I wanted to pretend it hadn't happened, so I buried myself back into the role of donut-boy and smart-ass. It was easier. The one thing I never told anyone was how I could relate to both Angel and Spike. Being a predator and then suddenly having it all ripped away. In Angel's case, he got a soul, and I identified with him the most; he now had a human revulsion to the things his demon had done. With Spike, it was more that the temptation was still there, that sometimes I wanted to be that free again, and knew I could never be. That must be what the chip is like for him, wanting something and not being able to have it no matter how much it tempts you.

I hated them both. Angel was easy to hate; he was everything I wasn't. Tall, dark, handsome, mysterious, and able to keep up with Buffy, not appearing weak and inferior in light of her abilities. He had the girl I wanted, simple as that. Of course now I have to wonder if it was that simple. Perhaps I was attracted to him, or would have been if Willow hadn't interfered in my life. I'm not sure if I should thank her for that where Angel is concerned; I mean, yeah, I might have had sex with him, but I don't think I'd want him as a boyfriend or a mate. Too much angst and 'woe is me'.

Spike I hated because he was too human. He was supposed to be a demon, a thing to hate and destroy. Black and white, simple logic. But he wasn't. He was somewhere in between, all those lovely shades of grey. He laughed, he loved, he drank, he ate human food - and liked it. He watched TV - was addicted to cheesy soap operas, and of all of the supernatural creatures I'd ever had the misfortune to meet - I liked him best. I felt that he was someone I could be friends with. After what had happened to Jesse, I hated myself for liking Spike. Therefore I hated Spike for making me like him, and hate myself. I just never really figured it all out until now.

From what I understand, the zookeeper had a hold of Willow, and before he had a chance to act on anything, or even complete the chant that would have transferred the hyena spirits into himself, Buffy knocked him over the rail into the hyena pit. The animals ate him, and the pack and I escaped. Buffy and the others hunted them ruthlessly, but never caught them. Even Angel, with all of his vamp senses and speed and strength couldn't catch them. They left Sunnydale, and other than the odd 'wild animal' attack, the gang has no idea where they are.

I hope to God that if they are ever found, Buffy will have the decency to just kill them. It would be far more humane than to make them live with what they have done. God knows I would be the first one in line to pull the trigger.

You may have noticed I haven't written about Spike. This world's Spike is dust. Seems that when he showed up at Thanksgiving looking for help, Buffy staked him. She said it would have been cruel to leave him alive in his condition. Part of me agrees, but another part is saddened by the loss. They didn't believe me when I told them how much Spike had become one of the group back home. Buffy flat out refused to believe that he was in love with her or that he would risk his life for her or Dawn.

I talked to Oz last night. After spending the day with the gang and learning about the different paths that their lives had taken, I needed to get out and have a little down time. Giles insisted that I not go out alone at night, so Oz offered to accompany me. He's good company. He's quiet and restful.

We rode around for awhile, went to the Bronze and played a couple games of pool, had a couple beers, and then just sat outside in the parking lot and talked. I told him about Spike. About Riley and what he did to him, about how we fell in love. I told him that we had only been mates for less than two days when I lost him. He was sympathetic.

I still feel him - Spike. He's in my heart, my mind, my veins. He may be gone, but he's still a part of me. I understand more now about what Angel tried to tell me, but he was wrong. I have a part of Spike inside me, and as long as I live, he lives on within me. I'm not missing a part of myself; I'm only missing the physical presence of my mate. If I concentrate I can still feel the connection between us. It gives me the strength to go on. I know that I can get through this, that I can survive this constant disruption of my life, as long as I can still feel him. I won't give up on finding a way to bring him back to me. I won't give up hope.

He isn't really gone if I can still feel him, right?

Xander cursed as he felt the nauseating dizziness overcome him once again. At least he was outside this time, preferring to spend the day in the park as opposed to the shop with Giles, or the mall with the girls. When the dizziness stopped, he looked around warily. Everything still looked relatively normal.

"Well, I guess I should go see the gang."

Xander put his book away in his bag and then fastened the bags to the bike. He slid astride the motorcycle and headed off in the direction of the shop. If there was one thing he was getting tired of, it was explaining himself to Rupert Giles. That man always asked the same questions.

After parking the bike in the alley behind the shop, Xander grabbed his bags and walked around to the front door. He walked inside and waited until Giles finished serving a customer before approaching him.

"Hey, Giles."

"Ah, Xander. I'm glad to see that my little speech has had some bearing on you after all."

Xander looked at the man in confusion as he continued on in his quasi-lecture mode.

"I mean, you of all people should understand the dangers. Last month you barely made it in before dark. Now get downstairs and undressed. I'll send Oz down as soon as he gets here. Unlike you, he's always here in plenty of time."

Giles sighed as Xander continued to look at him with a startled expression.

"What is it, Xander?"

"Er. Um, are you trying to tell me I'm a werewolf? Please tell me I'm a werewolf and not involved in some kinky three-way with you and Oz."

"Well, yes. Obviously you've banged your head again, haven't you?"

"No! I'm just not... your Xander. I'm from another time line. A different reality."

"Oh for heaven's sake."

Giles removed his glasses and polished the lenses as he continued.

"I have asked that you and Oz refrain from the use of that stuff on your cycles. It's difficult enough, without having to deal with two stoned werewolves."

Xander gaped open-mouthed and then burst into laughter. The very idea of a stoned werewolf was enough to crack him up, but having Giles lecturing him on the difficulty of caring for one was hysterical. Xander reigned in his laughter and approached the scowling shopkeeper.

"Seriously, Giles. I'm not the Xander you know. I'm not a werewolf, stoned or otherwise. What I am, is a very tired, homesick construction worker who's been cursed by his ex-demon-ex-fiancée."

Xander was saved from further explanation as the shop door opened and a smiling Xander came in followed by an extremely mellow-looking Oz. The Xander in the doorway looked at his double, looked at Oz, looked at Xander again, before turning a quizzical expression on his companion and whispering in a rather loud voice.

"Do you see him? What the hell was in that pipe?"

Oz merely quirked his mouth into a lazy sort of half-smile and slid his arm around Xander's waist. He looked at Giles, clearly waiting for the older English man to fill them in. Giles, for his part, recovered quite quickly and turned back to the Xander that was standing in front of him.

"Told you so."

"Yes. Quite right. Ah, well then, let me just get these two settled, and then we'll talk."

"Sure thing G-man."

"Xander, I have asked you not to call me that."

Giles spoke out of reaction to that particularly hated nickname. He was answered by the simultaneous snickers of two Xanders and one werewolf musician. Shaking his head in exasperation, he headed toward the back room of the shop.

"If the two of you would follow me."

The still snickering werewolves followed the watcher into the back room of the shop while Xander took the opportunity to glance at some of the magic texts on display. By the time Giles returned from his task of securing the two young men in their cage, Xander was sitting comfortably on the stairs to the loft reading through a book and jotting down notes on a pad of paper he had picked up from under the counter.

"So, Giles. When did I become a werewolf?"

"It was a while ago, back in high school. Oz and Willow were still together. You had fallen asleep on Oz watch and he got out of the bookcage. You were bitten, rather badly, on the shoulder."

"And I was rescued by Buffy, right?"

"Uh, no. Actually it appeared that after biting you, Oz simply left you alone and took off."

"Oh. Weird."

Giles fidgeted uncomfortably for a minute, and Xander knew he was working up to something pretty big. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what it was, but he knew he had to hear it. If he didn't find out the facts he would be here longer than necessary."

"What is it, Giles? I can take it."

"Oh, right well, after a lot of researching, Willow came across a reference on were-creatures. It was determined that Oz, in his wolf form had claimed you as his mate. The bite was merely to change you; he meant you no harm whatsoever."

"And Wills?"

"She was less than pleased. As were you, or Oz. The three of you decided to studiously ignore the facts and carry on as usual. Until..."

Giles trailed off and Xander waited while he gathered his wits.

"The next month, we had to lock you both together in the bookcage. Both Willow and Buffy stayed in the library on guard. When the change took place, Oz's wolf form set about to claim his mate properly. After that it became increasingly difficult to ignore the mating. You and Oz were snippy and irritable with each other and everyone else. It came to a head when the new Slayer - Faith came to Sunnydale. You and she ... well, and needless to say, Oz smelled you on her and went crazy. He changed, without the moon's effects. If she hadn't been a slayer, he would have killed her."

"And then what?"

"Then, Willow decided that Oz was too dangerous to continue her relationship with. She didn't want you to do to her what Oz had done to Faith. So she left. She accepted a scholarship from Oxford."

"So, me and Oz?"

"It took some time for you both to accept what your animal natures wanted, but eventually yes, you became a couple."

"Wow."

Xander immediately reached for his journal wanting to write these events down while they were still fresh in his mind. Unfortunately, it would have to wait, as Giles cleared his throat and asked:

"So, tell me how it is you came to be cursed. I find this most fascinating."

Part 69

I'm a werewolf. Weird huh? I wonder if that makes me any cooler? More Oz-ish, perhaps? It's strange though, thinking about Oz that way. I mean yeah, he's a great guy, and before the whole kissing-fluke with Wills, I thought we were pretty good friends, but lovers? Mates? I never would have pictured it. I kinda always thought he and Willow would eventually get married and have a litter.

I guess he's attractive; he's cute, has good hair, and a really soft-looking mouth. I bet he's a good kisser. Not that I want to kiss Oz, I mean, I love Spike. But if there wasn't Spike, then yeah, I guess maybe I would. Wow. I can't believe I'd actually want to kiss Oz. Weird.

I watched them together earlier, in their wolfy forms. It was weird. I remember watching Oz-wolf in the old library; he was always so restless, so aggressive and ... wolfy. He isn't like that now; they were curled up on the floor, nuzzling at each other and making soft, growly noises. Almost like purring, but not the same. They looked content. It was sweet. I wonder if it's always like that for them, or if it's just the pot...

Spike used to purr when we were in bed. After making love, or sometimes first thing in the morning, he would rest his head on my chest and purr. It felt wonderful - the vibrations would lull me to sleep. I miss that.

I don't sleep as well any more. It's like after Anya and I broke up; I couldn't get used to sleeping alone - without her soft snores in my ear or the way she snuggled into me in her sleep. Only it's a thousand times worse. Spike was more than just my lover; he was my mate - my other half.

Sleeping with Spike was a comfort long before we became lovers. He barely knew me the first time he climbed into my bed to soothe my nightmares away. I remember that when I woke up, I felt safe. It was the safest I had ever felt. I think I did the same for him. I hope so.

So, yeah. Werewolf Xander is the thing here. Not so bad as things go - as least he's locked up every full moon and not out eating the populace. It's better than vampire-me, or hyena-me, or - gods I'm still pissed about this one - bug-eating-man-bitch-me. I wonder what surprises the next world holds in store for me?

Xander didn't have long to wonder as his whole world spun out of focus once again. He was gradually getting used to the dizzying sensation; it didn't leave him feeling nauseous anymore. He looked around and saw that he was still in the courtyard of Giles' apartment complex - which was where he expected to be, but he was always aware that things could turn out differently. The Acathla dimension for one, and the wacky Disney-on-acid world for another.

With a heavy sigh, Xander packed his journal into his bag, shouldered the bags and made his way to Giles' door. It was time to face the music again. As much as he was looking forward to getting home - and the fast pace of his recent shifts was encouraging that it might happen soon - he wished he had some time to just relax and really think about what was happening to him. He didn't even have time to properly grieve for his mate. It was beyond maddening.

Rupert Giles opened his door and looked at the young man on his step in open-mouthed shock. He blinked several times, took off his glasses, polished and replaced them before uttering a softly spoken 'Dear Lord'. Xander smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

"Hey Giles."

"Um, hello... Xander. Could you excuse me for just one moment?"

Before Xander had a chance to respond, the door closed in his face and he was left standing in confused amusement on the step. He wondered what it was that had the older man so flustered. Then the door opened again, and it all made sense.

"Hello, Xander."

"You're me."

"Yup. How very astute of you."

Xander reached out tentatively and went to poke his double before retracting his hand and stepping back. He looked at the other version of himself on the doorstep and grinned.

"This is so cool! It's like that episode of Star Trek DS9 where Sisko and the others all meet their doppelgangers."

Xander shook his head fondly at his double and thought to himself about what a geek he sounded like. He started violently when he heard a deep, British, baritone, voice call out from the inside of the house.

"Christ, Harris. You really are a geek aren't you?"

"Oh shut up, Spike!"

The Xander on the inside of the door looked at the one on the outside and grinned again. He was practically bouncing as he waited for an explanation. Xander sighed once again and smiled at him.

"So, I guess you want to know what I'm doing here, huh?"

"Oh! Are you from the future? Here to warn me about a terrible mistake I made, so I can avoid it?"

Xander almost smiled at the sound of Spike's barely coughed over 'Geek' that resounded from inside. He wondered what it was about this reality that made this Xander so much more like the boy he used to be.

"No, sorry. I'm cursed."

The other Xander's face fell a bit and Xander felt kinda bad for bursting the guy's bubble.

"My ex-girlfriend, fiancée actually, cursed me. So I've been doing a Sam Beckett sort of thing, or maybe a Quinn Mallory? More of a combination I guess; I mean there's no huge gaping portal or anything, I just kind of shift into a new reality. A portal might have been cool, actually. All I get is a dizzy spell."

"Bloody hell! There're two of them, now? What is this, Geeks-R-Us?"

Spike stood in the doorway just behind Xander and looked at the newcomer appraisingly. Then he scented the air. Then he shifted to game face and growled.

"Ah, hell. I can explain. Stop growling before they do something stupid and stake you."

"Better be a bloody good explanation, boy."

"Boy? Who the hell do you think you are?"

"I'm the vampire who's gonna rip out your throat if you don't start talking. That's who I am."

Xander was saved from responding to that by Giles coming back to the door and ushering him inside. Everyone took seats and Xander started to explain his situation to everyone. He left out certain parts - the ones about him and Spike being mates, what he had done to Riley, and the extent of what had been done to Spike by the Initiative and Riley in particular. He would rather explain that to Spike in private. Just as he was finishing up his tale, the door opened and Buffy and Cordelia walked in.

The girls looked at each other and then to Giles. The Watcher gestured for them to sit down and then gave them a brief overview of what Xander had already told himself, Spike and the other Xander.

Giles went to make tea and Cordelia stepped in front of Xander and looked him over critically. She then looked at the other Xander and smiled.

"Well, he has better fashion sense, but you're cuter."

Then she kissed him. Xander watched as his double and his high school sweetheart kissed. He looked over to see a grumpy vampire staring holes through him. He knew he needed to get him alone for a few minutes to explain. When Giles came back into the room with a heavily laden tray of tea and cookies, Xander stood and awkwardly motioned towards Spike.

"Um, could I speak to you in the other room for a minute?"

Spike nodded and headed for the kitchen. Xander looked at Giles and smiled somewhat sheepishly.

"I'm sorry, but what I have to tell Spike is sort of private."

"Does this have anything to do with the growling and yelling earlier?"

"Yes."

"Is it in any way going to affect or endanger any of us?"

"No! It's just a personal matter... about his double."

"Very well then."

"Thanks."

Xander took a deep breath and headed for the kitchen. He really didn't want to have to explain his relationship with his mate to this other version of Spike.

Part 70

The minute Xander entered the kitchen, he found himself pressed up against the wall with a very angry, game-faced vampire in front of him. He knew enough to submit to the inspection he was being given and waited while Spike sniffed at his neck and then briefly darted his tongue out to taste his skin. Xander cleared his throat and tried to compose himself before speaking. The touch of Spike's tongue on his throat had made him long for his lover; he was rather embarrassingly hard and he really hoped Spike hadn't noticed. But by the smirk on the blonde's now-human face, he knew he had.

"So, it's true then? You and this other me were mates?"

"Yeah. I guess this bothers you, huh?"

Spike snorted and rolled his eyes.

"Have you met Xander? Wouldn't you be bothered?"

"Hey! Okay, so he's a little..."

"Geeky? Bloody hell, he took the cheerleader to a Trekkie Convention for their anniversary last month."

"Ouch. Bet he's still paying for that one."

"Oh yeah. He should invest in a good pair of knee pads with all the crawling he's been doing."

Xander smiled at the idea of Cordelia Chase at Science-Fiction Convention. Gods, what had his double been thinking? Cordelia Chase was not the kind of woman you took to a convention. She was the kind of woman you took to Paris, or Hawaii, or the Bahamas. He was snapped out of his reverie by the sound of Spike impatiently clearing his throat.

"So, you and this Spike were mates. How'd that happen, and what have Farmboy and the Initiative got to do with it?"

Xander gave Spike the highlights of what had happened. Including his part in Riley's torture and death. He watched as Spike once again let his demon out to surface. Yellow eyes filled with hatred and pain listened avidly as Xander described everything he had done, everything he had witnessed Angel-us do to the ex-soldier. Including turning and ensouling him so he could do it all again.

"Sounds like a bloody good time was had by all. 'Cept your Spike, that is."

"Actually, Spike was the one who finally dusted him. After having a little fun with some holy water, a saw and a little piece of scrap metal, which he shoved into his brain."

Xander knew he shouldn't be enjoying Spike's gleeful expression the way he was, but he could still remember the nightmares his lover had had, the screams and the tears. He was glad he could give this Spike a little something to think about, knowing that at least in some reality justice - or rather vengeance - had been served.

"Good enough then. So, you and this Spike? How long were you together?"

"Awhile, but we had only been mated a little over a day when I lost him."

"Must have been hell on you. How'd you survive the bond? The pain had to have been horrible."

"It was. Still is. Sometimes it sneaks up on me so fast I can hardly breathe."

"I could help. Least I can do after such a lovely story you just told."

Xander looked at Spike speculatively.

"How?"

In answer Spike bit into his thumb and held it out to the human.

"My blood's the same as his. It'll help you get the pain under control, for awhile, at least."

Xander hesitated briefly before stepping forward and accepting the offered blood. He needed something to combat the withdrawal. This fast pace he was suddenly subjected to wasn't helping, so any relief was welcome.

He didn't take much. The wound was practically healed before he put it to his mouth, but what he did take was like coming home. He remembered the taste so acutely it hurt. It was Spike. Pure Spike. And it hurt; but it was so good.

"Thank you."

"No worries. Like I said, least I could do."

Spike spun on his heels and strolled out of the kitchen - but not before Xander noticed that he wasn't the only one who had been affected by the exchange of blood. Spike was just as hard as he was.

Back in the living room, Xander drank tea and listened as the group filled him in on the happenings of this reality's Scooby Gang. Things had gone pretty much how he had remembered up until the kissing fluke. It seems in this reality, Xander had been more in control of his hormones. He and Willow had only kissed the once, and then he had gone and confessed everything to Cordy and begged for her forgiveness. She eventually gave it.

Willow hadn't fared as well. When they had been kidnapped by Spike, she had tried to kiss him again, but he refused her advances. Oz and Cordy came in just in time to hear Xander tell Willow that he wouldn't do it, that if he was going to die, he would die a faithful man. Cordelia had been so impressed she instantly forgot all her plans to make him beg and grovel for forgiveness. Oz hadn't been impressed. He left Sunnydale right after graduation - so did Willow, but not together.

Xander didn't mention Willow's spell, or the fact that he could actually feel it surrounding his twin. He was shocked to realise that now that he had begun practising, he could feel magic. It surrounded Giles like a shield, like it belonged there, but on Xander it was more like a restraint - a straightjacket. Seeing as how Xander was happy with Cordelia, he didn't want to interfere, but he would mention it to Giles in private.

"Well, fun as this has been, sun's down so I'm off."

Spike got up and looked pointedly at Xander before leaving. Xander knew it was an invitation, but he had no intention of accepting. It just didn't feel right. Not without his Spike. He was about to make his own departure when he felt it again.

"Oh fuck!"

And then everything was different.

Xander blinked and realised he was the center of attention. He was still sitting in Giles' living room, but the cast had changed. Giles was there, as was his double and Buffy. But where Cordelia had sat only moments before, now sat a tall, slim, dark-haired man. He wondered if it was Buffy's boyfriend, someone he had seen around the University with her. He looked familiar.

"Uh, hey guys."

Xander's softly spoken words seemed to break everyone out of their shock and they all reacted at once. Buffy grabbed a stake, Xander jumped up and moved away from the couch, Giles pinched his nose and polished his glasses, and the tall dark-haired man just stared at him with his mouth hanging open.

"Whoa there, Buff! So not a vamp here; please don't stake me."

"Buffy, I'm not sure what he is, but it is highly unlikely that he is a vampire."

Giles replaced his glasses and approached Xander cautiously.

"Hey, G-man. Want to hear a fascinating story about vengeance curses and inter-dimensional travel?"

Xander tried his best goofy-Xander grin and sighed in relief as Giles relaxed somewhat and Buffy put her stake away. She didn't relax her guard any though, but at least he was no longer in danger of being impaled. The other Xander came back to the sofa but instead of sitting down where he had been, he sat right next to the strange man and took his hand. That answered one question; he obviously wasn't Buffy's boyfriend.

"Er, Xander, Jesse, why don't the two of you make yourselves useful and put the kettle on for tea?"

The two stood and left the room. Xander stared after them and then finally realised what his eyes had been trying to tell him. The young man with his double was his best friend Jesse. Jesse whom he had driven a stake through by accident a long time ago at the Bronze.

"Oh my God. Jesse."

Xander couldn't help the tears that welled up in his eyes. He had often wondered what his friend would have turned out like had he lived. He now had a chance to find out.

"Xander? If that is indeed who you are, would you mind terribly explaining how it is that you just ... appeared in my living room?"

"It's a bit of a long story. What do you know about vengeance demons?"

Giles looked confused and Xander began his story. It was going to be a long night.

Part 71

I met Jesse. Wow, does he ever look different. I mean he's not the same skinny, semi-geeky, guy he was in high school. He's gotten a lot taller; he has a nice build, lean but muscular - not unlike Spike. He and Xander have been together since they were fifteen. Since Jesse kissed Xander the night of his birthday. Kinda like the other world with Xan and Spike. Only this time, Jesse wasn't vamped.

Turns out, instead of grabbing Jesse and running like hell, Darla grabbed Willow instead. So Darla got Willow, turned her, and Jesse was the one to stake her. Tough break.

I asked them not to tell me anything until after I had a nap - all this shifting from place to place is making me ill. By the time I woke up, it was rather late and since Xander and Jesse both had to work early in the morning, I didn't learn much more than what I've told you.

Angel still lost his soul, Buffy still sent him to Hell; since Cordy and I never dated, Anya never came to fulfill her wish, and Dawn still showed up a couple years ago and was chased around by a Hell God. Same old same old. Oh yeah, and Spike is chipped. I want to ask about Cordelia and Oz, find out if they were ever fringe members of the group, if Oz is all wolfy here, or if Cordy ever moved to L.A., but at the same time, I'm afraid I won't like the answers.

I know that Angel saved Cordy's life after she moved to L.A., so if he never came back after the whole Acathla deal, who was there to rescue Cordy? Did anyone rescue Cordy? And what if Oz is a werewolf, but because he never dated Willow, he didn't come to us for help. Was he hunted and killed by that wacko hunter? Too many unanswered questions, too many differences to learn about them all.

I borrowed a few books to read from Giles. I told him about the magical abilities of some of my doubles and he suggested that I stop messing around with spells until I get back home. But seeing as I don't know if I'll ever get home, that doesn't seem likely. I need to keep my mind occupied, and I need to learn what I'm capable of. I'm not crazy, I understand the dangers of magic use; I'm not going to go all Amy or anything. I just want to learn, to find my power and bring back Spike - if there's even a way to do that.

I told Giles about my theory - that I don't get to shift until I find out about myself in each new reality. He brought up a few good points, as well. He reminded me that I hadn't actually learned anything about myself in the Acathla world, that when I shifted it could be reasoned that it was because I was in danger. It made sense. 'Cause also, I shifted when the Initiative stormed the Hyperion, thereby bringing Spike along with me. There goes my 'dying before I ever get home' theory. Unless it's of old age, which is highly possible.

So, moral of the story? If I don't like where I end up, I could always just place myself in mortal danger and - if Giles theory is correct - shift right out of there. Hmm, maybe I could use this to do something I normally would never do, like rob a bank or something equally stupid - like make Giles eat a book the next time he says my situation is "fascinating". It's not frigging fascinating when you're living it!

Nah, not my style, I'm one of the good guys after all. Just, you know, something to think about, break up the monotony. Oh, but the look on the G-man's face... might actually be worth it. Maybe I will have those flyers printed up and beat him over the head with them. He can learn the answers to his questions by osmosis. See, I do read.

The other thing we talked about was the speed of my recent shifts. He didn't want to get my hopes up, but he said it was entirely possible that my journey - read 'curse' - was coming to an end. God I hope so, but I don't want to get my hopes up either. Like Dad used to say: "Don't hold your hand on your ass waiting, it'll grow there." Ah, the pearls of wisdom of my youth.

It's 3 AM here, Giles is sleeping; everyone else has gone home and I'm bored to tears. If it weren't for this journal, I think I would have lost my mind by now. I can't help but wonder if Spike felt the same way… Did he use his journal to figure out his feelings the way I do? Or did he just keep track of our journey in it. Was it a personal thing, or merely a log?

I feel a lot better, more in control of myself since that other Spike gave me his blood. He was right, it did help. Maybe now would be a good time to go through Spike's things? I really do want to read his journal - I miss him and I think it would help me to feel closer to him again. Yeah, I'm going to do it.

Xander quietly crept upstairs to the guestroom and retrieved Spike's bag. He brought it back downstairs to the living room with him and set it beside him on the sofa.

He sat and stared at it for a long time before finally working up the nerve to undo the zipper. He leaned in and inhaled the scent of his mate that still permeated the clothing inside. He closed his eyes and savoured the feeling of Spike's scent surrounding him. He remembered the last night they had spent together, the way his lover had driven him insane with desire. The soft touches of leather on his sensitive skin, the feel of the restraints around his wrists. He remembered how Spike had looked at him, like he was the most beautiful thing in the world.

Eventually, Xander had to open his eyes and come back to the present. He reached into the bag and reverently ran his fingertips over the leather of Spike's duster. He would always associate leather with Spike, whether he was wearing it or not.

He moved aside the coat and felt the soft leather thongs of the flogger and was instantly hard. He swallowed down his arousal and moved on to the next thing in the bag. It was one of the soft pairs of faded denims he had talked Spike into purchasing on their trip to Wal-Mart. He still couldn't believe he had gotten the vampire into the chain store. He lifted the soft material to his face and rubbed his cheek against it. It felt nice.

Reaching deeper into the bag, he felt the leather wrist cuffs, and the beaded thing that Spike had never gotten around to explaining to him. He kept digging, but still couldn't find the book. He was beginning to worry. Now that he was ready to read it, the book seemed to have disappeared.

"Where is it? I have to find it; I lost Spike, can't lose this too. It's all I have left!"

Xander dumped the bag out onto the couch and began to dig through the pile of Spike's belongings. In his haste, he accidentally made a small rip on the seam on one of Spike's shirts. It was enough to jar him out of his frenzy. He stopped and then carefully began to fold and repack Spike's clothes. Then he put the "toys" and CDs into the bag. Next he shook out Spike's duster and went to wrap his boots up inside of it when he felt the square-shaped lump in one of the inside pockets.

Xander sighed in relief and pulled out the book. He picked up the ring of Amara and placed it in the deepest pocket of the coat before rolling the coat and boots up together and putting them back into the bag. Then he sat holding the book in front of him. Now that he had it, he hesitated to read it. He wondered if it would be an invasion of privacy. If he had died, would he have wanted Spike to read his journal?

Yeah, he would have. But there was a glaring difference between him and Spike. Spike had spent two years as property of Riley Finn and the Initiative. Xander didn't know if he was ready to read about the things that he had been through. If Spike had wanted him to know, he would have told him. Right?

With a heavy sigh. Xander put the book back into the bag and zipped it closed. If he ever got home, he would find a way to bring Spike back and then he would ask him if he had done the right thing. If that didn't work - if he couldn't find a way - then he would lock himself in his bedroom with a couple bottles of Jack and read the journal. That way, he could get drunk enough to forget the atrocities he would most likely learn about.

Xander took Spike's bag as well as a couple of Giles' spell books back up to the spare room. He settled on the bed and started copying out the spells he thought he might be able to cast with his limited knowledge.

He fell asleep with an open book across his chest, a pencil in one hand and a notepad in the other. This was how Giles found him the next day when he came in to wake him for breakfast.

"Oh good. You are still here. Would you care for some breakfast?"

Xander stretched and yawned and then sat up in the bed. He looked at the mess of books and paper surrounding him and smiled somewhat sheepishly.

"Yeah, food would be good."

"I see you had a productive night?"

"Well, I thought about what you said, so instead of trying the spells, I just copied them. That way if I ever get home, I can try them there."

Xander figured this was easier than admitting he had no intention of not improving his magical abilities. Plus it would save him a lecture or two - at least.

Giles left and Xander dressed, put his notes away, and then followed the scent of coffee and cooking bacon down to the kitchen where Giles was making breakfast. He sat at the table and sipped at the scalding hot liquid while Giles finished cooking eggs and making toast.

Part 72

I don't even know where to start. After having breakfast with Giles, I went to the shop with him; he said he had a couple of books there he thought I might find helpful. On the way there, as is my luck, I shifted.

This Sunnydale is a fucking nightmare. Not in the "Angel opened the gates of Hell" or "Glory tore down the walls between dimensions" kind of way. More in the "Everyone's a Stepford Wife" kind of way.

The Initiative owns this town. Literally. The University is now a military base, all the people in town? Soldiers and their families. The high school has been destroyed and cleared away. A small building surrounded by electrified fences, topped with barbed-wire sits in its place, directly over the hellmouth. The people walking around town are like automatons. Perfect little people going about their lives in a perfect little town where nothing is out of the ordinary. Like I said, Stepford Wives. Only thing is, they know what's going on; they just don't want the rest of the world to find out.

I never realised that something I did could have such an impact on the world. It's all because of me. This world's Xander joined the army. He took Spike's advice to heart and enlisted. Turns out he did exceptionally well in the military. He's now a head advisor on demons to the Sunnydale branch of the Initiative. But I get ahead of myself.

I was walking through town, looking at a lot of empty shops; shops like the Magic Box, and other occult stores. They have no reason to exist here; the army doesn't need magic, it has stun guns after all.

A.D.A.M. almost succeeded in this reality. Without Xander, the scoobies were a man short to complete the spell that led to his demise. They ended up going ahead with it anyway, and it almost killed Willow and Giles. Buffy managed to blow up the base but A.D.A.M. escaped.

It took months and the assistance of the military before he was captured and destroyed. In the mean time, a lot of people - and demons - died needlessly. Buffy and the others thanked the army for their assistance and wished them well. They thought the Initiative was gone, over, defunct. They were wrong. It came back, and it was stronger than ever. Because they now had one Alexander LaVelle Harris on their side.

With my double's knowledge and experience with fighting the forces of darkness, they understood what had gone wrong the first time around. Demons could not be tamed, could not be used as a weapon to destroy their enemy. All humans were enemies to a demon's way of thinking, enemies and food. They now knew that Maggie Walsh was a fool. They wouldn't make that mistake again.

But being the military, they couldn't just keep their noses out of it either. They knew about the slayer, about her calling and her obligation to do her duty. Xander made sure they understood how committed Buffy was to her job. But, he also told them about Faith; about what happens when all that power falls into the wrong hands.

So, instead of capturing and experimenting on demons, they just want to destroy them. Annihilate them from the face of the earth. It's a good theory, but not all demons are bad. Some of them are even good, or at the very least, necessary.

They make no allowances for prophecy, or the future. They don't discriminate about status either. Half-demons are still demons as far as they are concerned. This is the part that scares me.

I know Angel had a friend - his seer - who was half demon. Doyle. In one reality this man was my lover; he was a good man and never did anything to hurt anyone. But by this Initiative's point of view, he would be an animal, something to be destroyed. Black and White. Good and Evil.

This Xander is so naive. He hates demons. All demons. I wonder what it was that made him so hard? Yeah, I know I was once like him, but not to this degree. I was never this bigoted when it came to demons, was I? Sorry, off topic again.

So, I was walking through town when this guy comes up to me and pushes me into an alley. At first I thought he was going to mug me; boy was I wrong. He pushed me up against a wall and kissed me. Shock doesn't begin to describe my feelings. I pushed him away and wiped my mouth while staring at him in what must have been a mix of shock and anger, 'cause that's what I felt. He looked at me like he was confused by my reaction before understanding swept over his features. He looked me over again, taking in the differences in my appearance.

You would think, he would have noticed the shoulder-length hair, the duffelbags slung over my shoulder, the fact that I don't look like a soldier. But apparently not. He introduced himself as Graham Miller and then asked me if there was a reason Xander never told him he had a twin brother.

I should have said that he was ashamed of me, that I was given up for adoption at birth, that I was kidnapped as a small child. Anything but the truth. If I had lied I wouldn't be in this mess.

This mess, being that I am in a detention cell in the basement of the University-turned-military-base. It seems that they don't believe my story, but seeing as the tests they performed deemed I was in fact 100% human, they didn't know what else to do with me.

I tried to talk to my double; he was less than accommodating. He stood silent and stone-faced as I explained everything I had been through. He never even blinked when I told him about Anya being a demon again. I wisely kept my mouth shut about Spike.

They let me have my journal, deciding that it couldn't cause any harm. Thank God, because otherwise I would have nothing to do. This place is beyond boring. White walls, white floor, even the damn bars on the cell are white. No TV, no radio, no magazines. I've been contemplating giving myself a papercut and drawing on the walls with my own blood; I'm that bored.

If there was ever a time to be glad that Spike isn't with me, this is it. I don't know what I would do if he was captured and killed by these guys. By my double. Talk about the ultimate betrayal- being dusted by a man with your lover's face.

By the way my double and this Graham guy - I'm pretty sure he was one of Riley's friends, by the way - carry on, they're obviously not out of the closet. Then again, the military frowns on that kind of behaviour, doesn't it? So, maybe I can use this to my advantage if I'm stuck here much longer. I mean, there isn't even any privacy to use the toilet.

Not that I think I'll be here long; if the pattern holds, I should shift out soon. I think I've learned about what happened here, after all. Oh yeah, I should probably tell you about Buffy and the others.

After the spell to defeat A.D.A.M., Giles had a heart attack. He's still alive, but he went back to England. Willow and Buffy left after the Initiative took over the town. There was no reason to stay, seeing as most of the demons were dead or gone. Plus, there was another hellmouth in Cleveland.

Far as I know, Spike escaped to L.A.; he went to Angel for sanctuary. I don't know what happened to him after that. For all I know, Angel may have staked him on sight, or the soldier boys might have tracked him down. Hard to say, seeing as how this world's Xander has such a hate-on for vamps and all. Hell, they might have gone to L.A. and staked Angel, as well.

Miller is back; he's standing a few feet away from my cell, just looking at me. To tell the truth, the guy gives me a wiggins. The way he looks at me is seriously creepy. It's the same way that demon back in Acathla's dimension was looking at me - like I'm a fuck toy. I really hope he doesn't get any ideas.

Crap. Seems like he's the guard on duty for the night. The others are leaving; no sign of my double at all. Great. I hope Giles was right about my shifting if I'm in danger, otherwise I think I'm about to be raped by my double's boyfriend. Why do these things always happen to me?

The cell door opened and Graham stepped inside. He held a tazer in his hand as he approached Xander - who was sitting against the far wall. When he was only a foot or so away he stopped.

"Stand up."

Xander closed his book, laid it on the floor beside him and slowly got to his feet. He looked at the soldier and waited to see what would happen next. He was still putting a lot of faith in Giles' theory of self-preservation.

"Turn around. Hands on the wall, feet apart."

When Xander made no move to do as instructed, Miller pressed the button on his tazer and let Xander see that he was serious, and what the consequences of disobeying would be. Xander rolled his eyes and then did as he was told. He could feel the soldier's hot breath on the back of his neck and a shudder of revulsion tore through him.

"Drop your pants. No funny stuff or I'll zap you."

"And the bad part of that would be?"

Xander felt the tazer press into his neck and he swallowed his fear, waiting for the pain.

"The bad part would be that then you would have no idea what I could do to you while you were out."

He had a point. Xander began to undo his pants, popping the button and then slowly lowering the zipper. His inner monologue was a steady stream of 'any time now, the world will shift. Come on, shift already.'

"Boxers too."

"I don't get it. Why are you doing this to me? Aren't you and Xander together?"

"We were. Up until yesterday. Now he thinks he can do better."

"And I get to pay for his arrogance? Is that it?"

"Something like that, yeah."

As his ass met cool air, Xander began to panic. He was so sure that he would have shifted by now, that the threat of rape would be enough to get him on his way again.

"So much for Giles and his theories."

Xander muttered unhappily as Graham unzipped his pants and got himself out. He felt the blunt head of the man's penis pressing against his hole and he squeezed his eyes shut against the pain he knew he was about to experience. He'd never been done dry before, and he wasn't looking forward to it.

"This might hurt a little. Oh, who am I kidding? This is going to hurt... a lot."

Then, just as he felt himself being breached, the blessed dizzy feeling took over once more.

Part 73

When Xander opened his eyes, he was still in the University basement. Only this time it was an actual basement, not a military holding facility. He wrenched up his boxer shorts and pants and screamed out at the ceiling.

"Think you could have cut that any fucking closer?!"

Xander stomped around the room, kicking at the piles of boxes and other various things that were strewn about. He was extremely unimpressed and had big plans to have Willow turn Anya into a rat when he got home. Then he was going to go to the pet store and buy himself a nice pet. Something along the lines of a boa constrictor. He was going to make popcorn and enjoy watching as the snake swallowed her whole and digested her slowly. Hell, he was going to videotape it so he could enjoy it again and again.

With the rage slowly subsiding, Xander took a better look around him and noticed that he seemed to be in some sort of storage/records room. He wondered if this door would be locked or alarmed in any way. He really didn't want to be stuck in here until someone came down to find a paper on astrophysics that had been written by someone ten years ago - 'cause face it, that wasn't very likely to happen.

He found the door easily enough and it opened when he tried it. Breathing a sigh of relief, Xander packed his book away and pushed the motorbike out of the room and down the long hallway toward the door to the stairwell. He hoped he managed to get outside without being stopped by campus security.

There were no people in the stairwell, so Xander managed to get outside without incident. He walked the bike out to the road and climbed on. Normally this would be where he went in search of the scoobies, but after what had just almost happened to him, all he wanted was a hot bath and an enormous amount of alcohol.

Pulling into the parking lot of the Holiday Inn, Xander parked the bike and went inside. He rented a room and immediately set about drawing a hot bath. He ran the water as hot as he could stand it and climbed in. He began to scrub himself with soap and a washcloth. He felt sick, beyond sick to tell the truth.

He had almost been raped. He wasn't sure what he would have done if he hadn't shifted. He never wanted another man inside of him. Spike had been the last person to make love to him, and as far as Xander was concerned, it would stay that way. He would never let another erase the feel of being filled by his mate. If he couldn't have Spike, he wouldn't have another man in his bed again.

His ass was sore - not the good kind of sore either. He knelt in the tub and gently cleansed himself as he mentally played out Anya's future ratting and being eaten by a large snake. It was enough of a distraction to get him through the worst of it. He examined the cloth and grimaced at the smear of blood on it. He had never bled with Spike; his lover had always made sure he was ready before taking him.

Once out of the bath, Xander quickly dried, dressed and headed outside. He desperately needed a drink or ten. Of course it was probably safer to get a bottle and go back to his room than to attempt getting drunk in a bar in Sunnydale. Then again, no one had ever accused Xander of being the smart one.

The Bronze was out. He didn't want to run into the gang - not yet anyway - so was Willie's, as he wasn't a demon, and even though he wore Spike's claim, he didn't think that would be enough to deter any demon who had a beef with the vampire. Better safe than sorry, Xander headed to a bar near the University; it was one of those new trendy places where everyone looked like a Gap or J-Crew model.

Xander found a small corner table and sat down. When the waitress - a suitable Britney Spears look-a-like - came by, he ordered a bottle of Jack and a glass. She frowned at him but left to fill his order all the same.

After a few drinks, the music was less annoying and the people weren't so loud. Xander continued to drink and try to forget the feel of Miller's hot breath on his skin, his hand on his hip, his hard cock against his ass. He wasn't nearly drunk enough to forget that yet.

An hour later and Xander was pleasantly pissed. He got up to use the bathroom and almost fell over. He steadied himself on a nearby table and continued on his way.

Trendy bar or not, the men's room was just like every other public bathroom Xander had ever been in - filthy. He couldn't understand why it was that men's bathrooms always spelled like piss. Well, other than the fact that there was piss all over the floor, and on the walls next to the urinal. Obviously a drunken man's aim wasn't up to snuff.

Xander approached the urinal and got himself out. He sighed in relief as his bladder emptied, then shook himself off. He was just zipping his jeans when he was knocked sideways by a rather drunken, familiar face.

"Spike! What are you doing in here? Vampire's don't pee."

Xander was drunk enough not to think about the possibility of Spike being unchipped in this reality. Since he hadn't been by to see the scoobies yet, he had no information on any of them whatsoever.

"Oh. Right. I forget that sometimes, ya know. Thanks."

Spike staggered back toward the door and then stopped. He looked back at Xander and blinked.

"Do I know you? How'd you know what I am, or who I am?"

"Er, I'm Xander."

Spike snorted.

"No, yer not. First off, you're too old. Second, you smell too fresh."

It was Xander's turn to blink.

"What? And eeewww! You make a habit of smelling me?"

"Not you. Him. And yeah, I know all their smells. You smell... like me. How come?"

Xander walked to the sink and washed his hands. He ignored the vampire until after he had rinsed and dried them.

"I don't know about you, but I don't think I want to stand around in the men's room all night. I'm going back to my table. You want answers? Follow me."

Xander staggered his way back through the crowd and sat down. He was amazed to see that his almost-half-full bottle was still there. He caught the waitress looking at him and smiled. She winked and then walked away. Too bad he wasn't interested; she was cute.

Spike took a seat across from him a minute later; he had a bottle of his own, only far emptier than Xander's was. He took a drink straight from the bottle and set it on the table before raising a brow in question. Xander downed his shot and then started talking.

By the time Xander finished explaining about why he smelled like Spike, the vampire was shaking with laughter. Xander was less than impressed.

"What the hell is so funny?!"

Spike wiped the tears from his face and smiled gently.

"It's just, finally I meet someone who's been fucked over worse than me, and it turns out he's mated to an alternate reality version of myself. It's funny from my perspective."

"Speaking of, what's your story then? You don't act much like the Spikes I've met so far."

"Got a soul. Little witch gave it to me. I'll tell you a secret."

Spike leaned across the table and whispered in Xander's ear.

"If my demon ever gets loose, he's gonna eat her first."

Spike leaned back into his chair and cracked up laughing again. Xander wondered if it was because of the booze, or if he was just crazy. He figured it was probably a combination of the two. He poured himself another drink and downed it in one swallow. He set his glass back on the table and looked at the vampire across from him.

"So, what did you mean before, when you said I couldn't be Xander because I'm too old and smell fresh?"

"Just that. You are too old, and you're not dead, are ya?"

"So, Xander's a vampire?"

"Not hardly. Zombie, more or less."

"More or less? What do you mean 'more or less'? He's either a zombie or he isn't."

Spike took a long swallow from his bottle before setting it back down and wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. He looked at Xander and then sat back in shock.

"Bloody hell! You really are him, aren't you?"

"That's what I've been telling you. Now would you please explain about this zombie thing?"

"Oh, right. That. Well, see, zombies are nothing more than animated corpses."

"Like vampires."

"No, they're stupid, mindless things."

"Like I said..."

"You want to hear this or not?"

"Sorry. Go on."

"Xander's dead, make no mistake about it. But he ain't mindless. Nor does it seem like he's soulless. Just he ain't breathing nor ageing any more. So like I said, a zombie - more or less."

"How?"

"Don't really know. Was busy trying to deal with my own overwhelming grief at the time, wasn't I?"

Spike fell silent and continued drinking. Xander joined him. This was a first. He thought he'd seen everything by now, but a dead Xander, who wasn't a vampire but some sort of zombie-like creature was totally mind-boggling. If he was sober, he might have been able to figure out what had happened to the Xander of this reality that made him a zombie - more or less.

A couple of pretty young girls approached the table and asked if they could sit down. Xander was about to subtly tell them to move on when Spike answered for the both of them.

"Oi, push off, would ya? Can't you see we're together here?"

The girls left in a hurry and Xander gaped at the grinning blonde vampire across from him.

"What the hell did you tell them that for?"

"What? You saying you were interested?"

"No! Of course not."

"You saying we're not together here at this table?"

"No."

"Then what's the problem? All I did was tell 'em the truth then. 'Sides, you're wearin' my mark, technically you're mine."

"Am not!"

"Are so!"

"Am not!"

"Are so!"

"Are you calling me an arse hole?"

In his drunken state, Xander couldn't remember what they were arguing about, but he was pretty sure that Spike just called him a name. Spike tilted his head and thought for a minute.

"Maybe. Don't really remember. What were we talking about?"

"Dunno. Something about a couple of girls."

"Hmm, yeah we should pick up a couple o' those."

Spike finished his bottle and then helped Xander to finish his as well. They leaned against one another as they staggered toward the exit and out into the night.

Part 74

Xander woke up to the familiar presence of a cool body draped along his side. He sighed in happiness and began to drift off to sleep again. Then he suddenly remembered that his mate was gone, and there shouldn't be anyone else in his bed. He sat up abruptly, dislodging the blonde head of his bedmate from his chest as he did so.

"Bloody hell, what did you do that fer?"

Spike sat up in bed and rubbed his head. He looked at the pained expression on the human's face and understood immediately. He reached out to touch him and swallowed down the hurt feelings when the boy flinched and drew away from him.

"Easy, pet. Didn't do nothing but sleep last night. Promise."

Spike held his unnecessary breath and waited to see if he would be believed or not. He watched as Xander cocked his head and seemed to replay the night's events in his mind. He sighed in relief as Xander nodded his head and offered him a sheepish grin.

Xander remembered asking Spike to stay with him. Telling him that he didn't want to be alone and asking could he just hold him while he slept. He also remembered waking up at one point in the night thinking it was his Spike he held in his arms and kissing the man next to him. Spike had gently pushed him away and purred to him until he fell back asleep.

"Sorry. I just... I kinda freaked for a minute there. I thought... "

"I know. And if I thought for a minute that you actually wanted me, not your Spike, but me, I would have taken you up on it. It's been a long time since anyone has wanted me to hold them, even in friendship."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not. I enjoyed it, hell I haven't slept that well since the witch cursed me four years ago."

"I have to go see them today. If I don't get the facts about what happened here, I won't shift."

Spike sighed and flopped back down on the bed. He knew Xander had to do this, had to get back to his own reality, but he was going to miss him. He felt like they had become friends over the few hours they spent together. He didn't really have any friends anymore.

"Yeah, I know. Just, could you stay till it gets dark? Then I could walk you over."

"Yeah. All right. I'm still kinda sleepy anyway."

Spike smiled as Xander lay back down and pulled him close again. He closed his eyes and sighed in contentment at the warmth that he felt seeping into his cold flesh. He would definitely miss this.

"Sleep, Spike."

"Okay. 'Night Xander."

The next time they woke it was after 5pm. Xander rose from the bed and padded into the bathroom. He relieved himself and then climbed into the shower. He stood under the hot spray letting the pounding water eases the stress from his muscles. He was slightly hung over, but he could deal with it. He washed quickly and then emerged from the bathroom in his towel. Spike was sitting on the bed smoking a cigarette.

"Mind if I use the shower?"

"Nope, help yourself."

"Ta, pet."

Spike went into the bathroom and Xander quickly got dressed. He had no idea what he was thinking last night. It was a dangerous game, bringing the vampire back to his room. If Willow had used the same curse on him as she had on Angelus, then one roll in the sheets and he could have woken up next to a very hungry, recently unsouled demon. Not a good thing. On the other hand, it was the best sleep he could remember having since he'd lost Spike. Spike seemed to need the companionship, as well.

Spike came back from the bathroom, dressed in the same clothes he had been wearing when he went in. His wet hair was the only thing that gave away the fact that he had been in the shower just moments before. He watched Xander brood for a few minutes before clearing his throat to get his attention.

"Don't suppose you've got any hair gel?"

"Actually..."

Xander dug through his bag and pulled out the tube of gel that his Spike had purchased the morning he came back with all the soap, shampoo, and lubricant. It was the same day he had bought the hair dye. He said the gel was a promise of things to come; that when they got back to Xander's world he was gonna bleach it and gel it as soon as he found a bathroom.

"Here. Keep it."

"Thanks."

Spike went back into the bathroom and returned a few seconds later with his hair slicked back. Xander smiled at him and picked up his wallet and door key.

"Shall we?"

"Lead on, pet."

They took the bike; Xander even let Spike drive as he knew where to go and Xander didn't. Seems Giles was back in England in this world, and Buffy had had to sell the house after Joyce's death. She and Dawn lived in a small two-bedroom apartment a few blocks away from The Bronze. Not the best place in town to live, but the rent was affordable on her Doublemeat Palace salary.

Spike gave Xander's shoulder a supportive squeeze and told him he'd wait for him at The Bronze if he wanted. Xander nodded his head and thanked him before disappearing into the apartment building. It didn't even have a security buzzer. He took the stairs down to the lower level and walked down the hall to the last door on the right. He knocked and then waited for Buffy or Dawn to answer.

An hour later, he was at The Bronze looking for Spike. Buffy hadn't believed him at first, but then she slowly came around as he talked to her. She said she would get the others - meaning Xander, Willow and Tara - and meet him in about a half-hour. He told her he was going to meet up with Spike at The Bronze and that they could find him there. She gave him a strange look but accepted his meeting location and closed the door behind him.

So here he was, standing by the bar, scanning the room for the sight of platinum blonde hair. He ordered a beer from the bartender and then jumped when a cold hand came down on his shoulder.

"Sorry, pet. Didn't mean to scare you."

"Sure you didn't. You want anything? Beer?"

"Nah, I'm good. How'd it go with slayer and company?"

"Alright I guess. Buffy's getting them together, they're gonna meet me here in a half hour."

"Hmm, I should make myself scarce then."

"How come?"

Spike looked around and then pulled Xander over to a dark corner where they could talk privately.

"I kidnapped the witch back in high school. Yer double as well. Tried to make her do a love spell on Dru for me. Might have roughed your other self up a bit. Threatened to do nasty things to the girl. She souled me for it. Haven't exactly been on friendly terms since, you know?"

"Oh. Wow. I mean, that exact thing happened in my world but Willow didn't curse you there. I wonder why? I mean she had the spell, you would think they would have used it more than just the once."

"Well, she did here. Can't say as she's one of my favourite people. Would have been better to stake me than this."

Xander nodded his understanding. He knew how his Spike would have reacted to being given a soul. Not happily, that's for sure. He didn't know what to say to him though, so he said nothing and took a deep drink from his beer.

"Why do you stay here? In Sunnydale, I mean?"

"Where else 'm I gonna go?"

"What about L.A.? I'm sure Angel would take you in."

Spike snorted in disgust.

"Poof hates me. Having a soul isn't gonna change that."

"I don't think he does. He destroyed a man for you in one of the worlds I was in."

"He did? Why?"

"Let's just say, that you had been hurt. Seriously hurt. He took vengeance for you. You asked him to give you final death. He drained you. Even though it nearly killed him to do it, he did it. For you. I think you might be wrong about him."

"Maybe I am."

Just then Buffy, Willow, Tara and a much younger-looking Xander entered the club. Spike said his goodbyes and went to leave. Xander stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"If I don't see you again before I leave, I just wanted to say thank you, for last night."

"Not necessary. I enjoyed our time together."

Spike leaned in and kissed Xander on the cheek. He turned and headed for the door, but stopped a few feet away and looked over his shoulder.

"I think I might take your advice and go see Angel. Can't hurt, right?"

Spike winked and disappeared in the crowd. Xander smiled and went to meet the gang. He almost laughed out loud at the look on Xander's face when he saw him.

"Holy crap! I mean, she said you were... but you really are... and just how did you get so big, anyway?"

Xander smiled at his younger-looking double. He saw Willow staring at him in fascination and smiled at her.

"Construction work. Does a body good. Let's find a table, shall we?"

The group sat down and everyone continued to stare at Xander. He finally couldn't take it any longer and broke the silence.

"Okay, I'm assuming Buffy has told you guys what's going on with me?"

"Yeah, she said you were cursed by Anya. You were really going to marry her?"

"Yes. I was. Now I'm going to have her turned into a rat so I can feed her to a very large snake."

Willow and Tara looked at each other and smiled. Xander could feel the low thrum of their magic surrounding them. It was almost as if they were one person, they felt so complete. Buffy and Xander went to the bar to get drinks and left Xander with the two girls

"Oh, before I forget."

Xander reached into his pocket and pulled a crumpled slip of paper out and handed it to Willow.

"This is for you."

Willow looked at the spell and then her eyes got big and she stared at Xander.

"This is..."

"I know. It works, too. Use it. On both of them."

"Buffy..."

"Can't know. Wills, it's not her decision. Let Angel decide if he tells her or not. Okay?"

"Okay. Besides, she and Xander seem to be happy enough with each other."

Xander spit his beer through his nose and then began to choke violently. Willow rushed to his side and began to pat his back as the coughs subsided. He wiped his face with a napkin and took another smaller sip of his beer and then closed his eyes. When he looked up again, Buffy and his double were coming back to the table.

Part 75

Here I am a zombie. Sort of. Not really, but I'm the walking dead, so what else are you gonna call it? Remember back in high school, Jack? Yeah, the crazy guy who wanted to raise his buddies from the dead - and succeeded. Turns out, he killed me. Stuck a knife through my chest and then let me die. He brought me back like ten minutes later, but still. So we have dead Xander. Or Zombie Xander if you prefer, which he doesn't, by the way.

You want to know what's really sad though? I finally realise why I never stood a chance with Buffy. I have this pesky little breathing problem. Seems she prefers her guys without circulation or that annoying beating-of-the-heart sensation. But hey, if I had known that back then, I probably would have let Jack kill me. So who's the pathetic one?

Now that I think about it, I wonder what was going with Spike and Buffy back home. They seemed awfully ... close. I know she trusted him to look after Dawn, and we all accepted him as part of the group after Buffy died, but since she came back he seemed to be hanging around a lot more, acting like he belonged by her side, like he was ...

Oh. My. God.

Buffy and Spike are sleeping together. They're having sex. I should have figured this out sooner. I mean it's not like I haven't been in places where they were together - Hell I'm a pregnant woman because of their involvement. Crap. Now what am I supposed to do? How am I gonna look at Buffy, knowing she gets to hold her Spike, kiss her Spike, and I don't. She has this wonderful man - vampire - who loves her completely and I have nothing but memories. I'm going to end up resenting her. I don't want that.

God. For the first time since this happened, I don't want to go home.

Xander closed his eyes and let the tears fall. He knew he would have to face them, accept them being together. If it made her happy - made Spike happy - than who was he to stand in their way? Maybe the next world he went to, he should just drive out to the middle of nowhere and stay there. Then he wouldn't have to worry about going home and facing them together.

As the dizziness swept over him, Xander began to laugh through his tears. Maybe a rat was too good for Anya; he could turn her into a vegetable and feed her to a bunny. Yeah, a big juicy carrot. That would work.

Xander sat up and got his things together. He strapped the bags to the back of the bike and began to push it out of the room. He was glad he was able to book a room on the first floor this time - trying to get the bike down several flights of stairs wasn't an easy task. He exited the hotel through the side door and got on the bike.

He drove through town towards the cemetery. If he was going to stay in this world, he needed to go somewhere that he wouldn't run into himself. Therefore, he was going to find Spike and ask him where the scoobies lived in this reality. He didn't want to know anything else.

The crypt was empty. In fact it looked like it hadn't been lived in for awhile now. Xander let out a frustrated sigh and went back out to his bike. He sat on the seat and tried to figure out where to check next. He figured he could always go to L.A. and ask Cordelia and Deadboy. But it was a hell of a trip to make just to ask a simple question.

"Xander!"

Xander looked off to his right and saw Buffy running towards him. Behind her were Willow, Tara, Dawn, and Anya.

"Oh, yay."

Xander closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Oh well, he thought to himself, there's always the next world.

"Xander, thank God! Are you okay? Where have you been? What happened to you?"

"Buffy. Slow down. I think I need to explain."

"Explain what? How you've been missing all this time? How even Willow's tracking spell couldn't locate you until tonight?"

Xander looked around wildly and then narrowed his eyes as they fell on his ex-fiancée. Anya cringed under the scrutiny and Xander smiled an evil smile and stepped toward her.

"Why don't you answer that, Anyanka. Tell them where I've been, what you did to me!"

The others all gasped and looked at Anya. Xander stared her down as she began to weep.

"I didn't. It wasn't me!"

"Bullshit! It was vengeance magic; who else could it have been?"

There was a blinding light and then Halfrek appeared.

"That would be me."

Xander looked from Anya to Hallie and then back again. He tried to figure out what was happening. All this time he had assumed it was Anya, that she was getting revenge on him for leaving her at the altar.

"You? Why? Why would you do that to me?"

"Easy. You hurt Anyanka; she couldn't take vengeance against you on her own behalf so I did it for her."

Buffy interrupted with a question.

"Who made the wish? What was it?"

"Why that's the best part, he did. He was crying in his beer and said, and I quote 'I wish I knew how my life could have been, if I had made different choices.' So, I granted his wish."

Xander lunged at her and she disappeared. He turned around as she reappeared behind him. He went to lunge for her again but Buffy stopped him.

"She'll just keep doing it, Xander. Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her get to you."

Xander growled but didn't try to go after her. He thought back to the night before he first shifted realities. He honestly didn't remember making a wish. He thought he of all people would know better, drunk or not.

"I must say though, you certainly made quite a mess of those other timelines. I had so many things I had to straighten out. A dead person here, a spell removed there. People in the wrong realities. Not to mention the soul restoration spell. Plus, I seem to be missing one vampire. Did you know that D'Hoffryn is threatening to suspend my teleportation privileges over that?"

Xander was stunned. All the good he had done had now been undone just like that. Dawn and Spike sent back to that crazy world, Spike and Angel losing their permanent souls, Riley Finn back from the dead, everything back to the way it was, as if Xander had never been there. He was glad that Spike had been killed by the sun; it was far better than what would have happened if Halfrek had sent him back to his reality and Riley fucking Finn.

Willow, who had remained behind Buffy with Tara and Dawn all this time stepped forward and reached out to touch Xander. Xander flinched back from her and closed his eyes against her pained expression.

"Xander?"

"Not now Wills, okay? I need some time."

"Time? For what?"

"To think, to sleep, to just wrap my brain around what I've been through. I've been gone so long, I can't quite believe it's finally over."

Xander got back on his bike and drove away. Willow turned a puzzled expression to her friends, and then glared at Halfrek.

"How long has Xander been gone?"

"Mortals! Time moves differently in other dimensions, you know. A couple months here could be years somewhere else. To you it's been what? Two, two-and-a-half months? To Xander, he's been gone almost a year."

Hallie smiled and then disappeared. Anya slunk away from the group when they weren't looking. As soon as she was out of sight she disappeared into thin air, as well.

Xander lay on his back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He was home. It felt odd to be here, in his apartment, in his own bed. He had gotten so used to sleeping in hotels and Giles' guestroom that he was almost uncomfortable here. He heard someone clear their throat and he looked up to see Anya standing at the foot of the bed.

"Okay, I know you didn't come in through the door so I assume you got your power back?"

"Yes. After you left me standing at the altar, D'Hoffryn offered me my old job back. I took it."

"Look, Anya, I've had a really bad day, hell I've had a whole shitload of really bad days, and I'm not in the mood. Why are you here, what do you want?"

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I saw Hallie; she showed me what happened to you. I'm sorry, Xander. I may have turned you into a woman, and made you carry Spike's love child, but I would never be this cruel, not to you. Do you hate me now?"

"I thought it was you. That you were getting revenge on me, that you must have hated me to be capable of this. I was going to have Willow turn you into a rat. Then I was going to feed you to a snake. Then, I decided that was too good for you, and I was going to have you turned into a carrot and be gnawed on by fluffy little bunnies."

Anya gasped in horror and then looked at Xander speculatively.

"Do you want a job? You know, I think you might have a real knack for vengeance."

Xander almost smiled at her.

"Hey, An? Where's Spike?"

"Gone. He disappeared about two weeks after you did. No one knows where he went. He and Buffy had a fight. Did you know they were having orgasms together?"

"I suspected. So what happened?"

"He tried to force her and then he disappeared."

"Oh. Look Anya, I'm beat. Can we do this later?"

"Of course. I really am sorry, Xander, and I understand why you left me now, I just wi... well, it would have been better if you had done it before our wedding day. Can we be friends?"

"Yeah. But only if you go away right now; like I said, I'm beat.

Anya smiled and then disappeared. Xander sat up and opened the closet door. He unpacked his bag and hung his clothes. He set the clay pot of Spike's ashes on top of his dresser and touched it lovingly. Then he unpacked Spike's bag. He hung up his clothes and his duster and set his Docs on the closet floor. He emptied the toys into his bedside table drawer and then set the vampire's journal inside the drawer as well. He took out his own journal and picked up a pen.

I've made it home. It was never Anya; all this time I thought she was the one responsible. It was Halfrek. And it was my wish that was granted. I think I might have to have a spell cast that prevents me from saying that word ever again.

If Spike had survived, she would have sent him home, back to Riley and his life of slavery. I'm glad he's gone. It's better this way. The only thing is, if I find a way to bring Spike back, I can't use it until I find a way to destroy Halfrek's powers first. It's too much to think about right now. Too much pain, too much loss.

I miss Spike. I always thought that he'd be here with me, that our first night home would be spent making love in this bed. Instead, I'm here alone. Alone and miserable. God. I don't even know if I have a job anymore. I can't do this. Not tonight. I just want to sleep. I'll deal with everything else tomorrow.

I'm finally home.

~Fin~