Shame & TearsBy Laney
Willow's POV
She’s freaking.Um… ok, freaking is a little bit of an understatement right now.
She’s freaking and I feel like the lowest person on the earth.
I didn’t know. I swear, I didn’t know she was THAT drunk. I thought tipsy, a little happy, but not so drunk that she almost passed out in shock when she opened her eyes this morning. Well, it’s suffice to say I won’t be doing any more one night stands.
In fact, from the sound of her throwing up, I don’t think I’m ever going to have sex again.
I feel lower than low.
I had no idea. Oh god, I took advantage of someone. That’s what I did. She was drunk and I wasn’t. I was sober… hadn’t even touched my drink when I first noticed her. God, just one look at her and my heart tried to jump out of my chest.
It’s been so long since I had such a strong reaction to someone, not since…
Note to self; after years of celibacy don’t talk to beautiful women in bars. She’s my first since… since I lost the love of my life. I still can’t say her name and its been years. God, I feel like I’ve not only shamed myself but the memory of her as well.
What was I thinking?
I’ve never had a one night stand… I don’t understand why I did last night! I know I didn’t want to wake up alone for once. I wanted to do something for me, I wanted to give into the needs I’ve been having. I knew I’d never see her again so I thought….
What have I done?
What have I done to… oh god, I don’t even know her name!
“Are you all right?” I call through the bathroom door, hastily putting on my clothes. She doesn’t need to see me naked again, that’s what had her throwing up in the first place.
I’m too horrified at what I’ve done to be hurt by that.
Thing was… even though we’d only just met, I kind of liked her. Not in a lusty way, in a ‘maybe there’s a chance for something more’ way. We talked a little bit last night, not much, and she seemed nice. Smart. Extremely smart. Right up there with genius. Smart, beautiful, sexy, and nice.
I was going to give her my number before I left today.
Not anymore though.
I know it’s not only my fault, yet I can’t help but take the blame. I wasn’t drunk, she was. I should have put on the breaks… I should have opened my damn eyes.
I am the worst person on this earth.
They should kill me now.
I can’t believe… oh god! The door is opening, she’s coming out and… she looks like hell. My heart sinks and I’m finding it a little hard to breath with the lump in my throat. Now I feel like throwing up and…
I barely make it into the bathroom before I do.
I’ve hit a new low.
“Are you all right?” she asks me.
I nodded and wave for her to leave me alone. I can’t… I can’t look at her right now. Her face, it was so bewildered and I know she hasn’t done anything like this before and I’m not talking about a one night stand. She’s never been with a…
“Would you like some water?”
Wait! I seduced a woman into my bed, a woman I just met, had mind blowing sex, all the while she’s drunk… and she’s offering ME water?
I should be offering her water! Why didn’t I offer her water? Oh that’s right, I was too busy worrying about what I’d done. Feeling guilty, hating myself, feeling sorry for myself.
Someone please, kill me.
“I’m fine, thanks.”
Fine with my head down the toilet.
I can’t hear any footsteps so I know she hasn’t left the bathroom and I really wished I closed the door. Finally, I move away from the toilet and gaze up at her.
She really is beautiful.
Which I should NOT be thinking right now.
I’m a horrible person. “Are you all right?”
She nods, “I’m fine.”
That wasn’t what I was asking, and she knows it. At least now we’re both finished with the throwing up and we’ve gone straight to the awkward silence.
“I’m sorry…” she hesitates, struggles to find the words. “I don’t remember your name.”
“Willow Rosenberg.”
“Samantha Carter.”
“Are you sure you’re all right?” I try again. “I’m guessing from your reaction that this is the first time you woke up with a strange woman in your bed?” Please! Please let me be wrong. Please be gay because if you’re not, this is going to be so much more than I think I can handle.
“I’m…I’m ok. A little surprised and um, No, I’ve never been with a…”
Oh god.
Shame floods me. She can’t even say it! “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were so drunk,” I can’t find the words to express my shame and disgust. She isn’t a lesbian. She has never been with a woman.
Not completely my fault but I could have asked her if she was gay before inviting her back to my room to ‘talk’. I initiated the kissing when we got back here. She seemed a little startled but… she didn’t stop me. She didn’t exactly just lie back either, both of us had been willing participants.
Only difference was, Samantha was completely plastered.
“I really don’t know what to say, Samantha. I’m so…”
“Sam.”
What? Oh. “Sam,” I take a deep breath. “I’m really sorry. I thought you were gay, I… I’m really sorry.”
She slides to the floor and now we’re both sitting in the bathroom having the morning after talk.
Fun.
“Willow…”
“Will,” I correct her. Ok, so not everyone calls me Will but she’s letting me call her Sam and I want her to feel I’m offering her the same kindness…oh for the love of god that doesn’t even make sense to me! I’m freaking!
“Will… I’m sure we talked about this and… um… did we practice safe sex?”
I’m such a… a… I can’t think of the words but I’m something really nasty. “We were careful,” I reply, blushing.
“ I… I don’t normally do this sort of thing,” Sam looks miserable.
I feel miserable. “Neither do I.”
“So you haven’t…”
“The one night stand thing, I haven’t done that. I’ve um… I’m gay,” I tell her. “But you’re not.”
She shakes her head, looking slightly green.
The room suddenly seems too small. I want to get out of here. I don’t want to be having this talk anymore. There is no way this conversation can turn out anymore painful than it already has.
“If it’s any consolation, I don’t think anyone saw us leave last night. So if any of your friends were there, they won’t know what happened. We didn’t do anything that would make your friends think that we were, you know.” I want to say attracted to each other but I’m guessing it’s all one sided.
“Are you sure?” Obviously it was a consolation because Sam’s relief was palpable.
“You went to the bathroom while I went outside to hail a cab.”
Wow. She was really relieved. I’m talking ‘crying with relief’ relieved. I guess maybe she didn’t want anyone to know she was so drunk she slept with a woman.
“Will you be all right?” I ask her.
Sam looks at me all relieved and I feel like complete shit. Ok, I know it’s not personal. Really I do but… she’s so happy no one saw her with me, it hurts a little. I’m ashamed of what I’ve done but it bothers me that I’m something to be ashamed of. And here I thought the conversation couldn’t hurt any more than it already had.
I have to get out of here.
Sam has the same idea. “I will be. I’ll just grab the rest of my clothes and go.”
So, that was it then? What was I expecting? This was a disaster of a once night stand. My first time with someone after Tara and I… I screw it up by sleeping with someone I don’t know. Someone who isn’t gay.
“I’m… I’m really sorry,” I tell her again.
A slight nod and then she disappears from sight.
I don’t even move from my spot on the bathroom floor until I hear the door close behind her.
Then, I let the shame, and tears, overwhelm me.