Behind Blue Eyes
By Angel Jade
No one knows what it's like to be the bad man…to be the sad man, behind blue eyes. I tell myself that sometimes when I'm left to the vengeful silence that threatens my soul with guilt.
Because it's true. I'm not who I pretend to be. I'm not who I once was. My image is so distorted by my sins that I don't even know me anymore.
How would you know, just by looking at me? Cool blue eyes that don't always reflect what I am…what I've done. But only what I'm feeling and I know this is my weakness.
It's hard to hide behind these blue eyes when they betray your thoughts.
No know one knows what it's like, to be hated…to be fated, to telling only lies. I sometimes think that I've told so many lies I can't remember what's real anymore. Even the smallest lie can grow…fester into something big and uncontrollable until it inevitably turns against you and your life comes crashing down.
That's what happened on the night that changed my life. Ironically, it took the worst night of my life to make me see things in a new light. And with the help from an unexpected guardian angel, I turned my life round.
*****
I could never stand the scent of blood. The sight of it only made it worse.
Screams of pain didn't help either.
Death invaded every sense I had and I found myself praying for it to take me too.
Through all the cries of those who had sinned no more or no less than I…I found myself needing to go with them. Everyone believes I don't feel bad for the things I've done, but my dreams aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be.
I had time to think before help arrived. I have hours, only lonely…thinking about my love for Darla.
My love is vengeance, that's never free. Vengeance on the man who took my hand and left me to die here.
The man who knew how much I wanted him and ignored me. I knew it and Darla knew it…it was all only to get back at him.
*****
I never thought it could get worse than that night…being locked in a room with two psychotic vampires by him…
But the first time I was left alone afterwards? That was so much worse.
No one knows what it's like, to feel these feelings…like I do.
And I blame you.
I can't begin to describe how much I hate him for what he put me through. The rejection took away the little hope I had for saving my soul. Now I'm stuck here, alone in my apartment, left to my own self-loathing.
And I can honestly say, no one bites back as hard, on their anger. None of my pain and woe can show through. Keeping it all in to keep me sane is driving me crazy. I've been acting so long I don't think I can stop.
But I know that something has to change or I'll never be free of this.
I don't think I can take the pain much longer.
And if I have to beg…so be it. He saves souls everyday…why not mine?
*****
He's not surprised to see me and that's no big shock to me. After all…I should be here for revenge…
But maybe I am ready to shock him. I stare at him, biting back the emotion and he stares back. I expect him to be angry, mocking, annoyed…hell, even regretful…but not this.
“You finally got it.”
“Got what?” I ask him, months of training myself to talk so bitterly to him is hard to undo and I regret it as soon as I say it, but the actor in me can't back down once he's got started. “Justice?”
“When you asked for my help to leave Wolfram and Hart, were you ready to face up to anything?” He asks.
A blank look is all I can give him as his words sink in. Is he trying to say what I think he's trying to say?
“First test and you ran back to them.” He tells me.
“You didn't exactly make it easy.” I hiss.
“And why should I? You think redemption is?”
“I don't want redemption.” I lie. Half-lie. Or possibly tell the truth…I've lost track of who I'm trying to be today.
“Then why are you here? For me? It's not that easy.” He tells me.
“You practically forced me back there.”
“Don't absolve yourself of guilt that quickly, Lindsey. Just take a moment to think about what you've done. The kind of people you let walk everyday, the amount that have died thanks to your help at the firm.” Angel says, standing up from his desk and pointing at me.
I came here to change and I'm fighting him on it. Nice to see I'm not fighting a habit of a lifetime. I sigh and look away. “I was thinking…”
He sits back down, ready to listen this time. Think maybe he's been waiting for me to do this the right way. That or he's finally ready to help a sorry loser like me.
“I want out. Permanently this time.” I say.
He smirks. “Are you sure, because they could offer you a bigger sum and a higher office?”
“I'm sure.” I reply, cool…calm.
“Then maybe it's time to talk.”
It's that simple? No teasing, no shouting, no fighting…he's just gonna help me?
Naturally, I'm suspicious.
“I know people Lindsey. I've been forced to live with them for so long, it's not exactly a degree worthy science to me. You give in and you blame other people too easily. You have faults that'll make it harder…so much harder than you imagine, but if you think you can handle it this time, I'm game.”
“I don't understand. Why…?” I ask.
“Because it's my job.” He says.
“But why?” I ask again.
“Why do you have to know?” He asks, raising his voice.
“Because last time you were only to happy to rip my heart out and send me back to Wolfram and Hart with nothing but regrets of ever going to you!” I yell back.
“And yet you're back again?” He asks, raising his eyebrows.
“I need your help. I don't want it, I don't like it…I need it.” I say to him. “If you can't do it, then maybe…”
“And you're giving up again.” He sighs. “Lindsey, I never ripped your heart out…you were too wrapped up in your self to ever…”
“Don't tell me what I think…you don't know me. No one does!” I shout. “You think I came to you because you were convenient?”
“No, I know why you came to me and I wasn't ready for that.” He replies simply. “And neither were you.”
“You're saying you are now, is that it?” I ask him, my anger fading.
“I'm saying you are.” He tells me.
“Let me guess, you aren't interested.” I say bitterly. I hadn't expected anything else, but for some reason, him saying it is making this experience so much worse.
“Sleeping with me is not going to get you redemption.” He states.
Sleeping? With him…? That's the first time it's been mentioned anywhere but in my head and now I'm feeling a little speechless.
“Don't look at me like you're too damn innocent to know what I mean.” He complains and I smile. A little smile that shouldn't have slipped and I think I almost see him smile too. There's definitely some relaxing of muscles round the mouth area.
“I was never gonna…” I say, before being interrupted.
“What possessed you this time? Close call with death scare some sense into you?” He asks. “Why's your conscience suddenly so persuasive?”
“Because my dreams aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be.” I tell him.
He thinks for a moment. “And now you want a miracle cure…a simple way out…”
“No!” I interrupt. “I want you to help me.”
And as bizarre as it seems, I think maybe I'm telling the truth. No lies or sugar coating. No fake smile and no angry voice to hide a hurt one. I'm asking for his help and he's offering it right back at me.
He nods. “Good. Because it's been far too long.”
“It has?” I ask as he stands up and walks closer.
“It has.” He's leaning in closer and I forget to breathe I'm so nervous.
One little kiss is all it takes and I know this time no bribe on earth short of Angel himself will make me wanna go back.
*****
And that's why I'm lying here now, talking to the sleeping body right next to me…in my head of course. Telling him what I need him to hear, hoping one day I'll only find the words to say it to his face. I have hours; only lonely…my love is vengeance, that's never free.
//You don't know how to help me sometimes. When I get angry…when my fist clenches, crack it open before I use it and lose my cool. I can't ever seem to get a control on my feelings. It's always one extreme or the other.
When I smile, tell me some bad news before I laugh and act like a fool. Keep reminding me of where I need to go. Redemption isn't the easiest of paths.
And most of all…if I swallow anything evil, put your finger down my throat. Never let me push you away again, because I can't always come back.
And if I shiver please give me a blanket, keep me warm let me wear your coat. I can't always tell you when I need you, but right now it's every day.
I used to say to myself that, no one knows what it's like to be the bad man…to be the sad man, behind blue eyes. But I was wrong. Because I think maybe you do.//
It's been three weeks…three weeks and I feel free. He'll be the first to tell me that I have far to go yet and I know that. But I also know I've gone too far to turn back now.
And nothing will take me away from him now.
No one knows what it's likeTo be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams, they aren't as empty
As my conscious seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that's never free
No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams, they aren't as empty
As my conscious seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that's never free
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
And if I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
And if I shiver please give me a blanket
Keep me warm let me wear your coat”
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes...
~Fin~