Homeward BoundBy Buddy
Xander sipped at another brewskie totally without relish. It had stopped having the desired effect about three beers ago but he couldn’t seem to stop himself anyway. He was so not pissed. Well, he was pissed, just not inebriated. He still marvelled at how exactly he had got here. He couldn’t be that guy could he? The one who had ripped out Anya’s heart and left it bleeding and broken on the floor for all to see? He let out a deep sigh. Not matter how many times he went round that particular circle, he always seemed to get back to square one, no wait that wasn’t right and his brain hurt.
The bottom line was that he had not only handled things badly, but he could have avoided it. If only he had had the strength to say something sooner, or better still kept his gob shut in the first place. Now he sounded like Spike and that was even more depressing. He finished his beer and ordered something stronger. It made him wince a bit as it went down but he enjoyed the warmth it sent to his belly. He hadn’t felt warm since; well forever it felt like.
He risked a look around the bar he was in; there weren’t many people there yet but he knew from experience of the last four days that it was only time before it started to fill up. The jukebox was playing, largely because Xander himself had fed it a couple of dollars, most of the songs he had just punched in randomly, not caring what played but not wanting the quiet. Alison Krauss and Union Station were currently singing about “The Lucky One” and Xander snorted to himself wondering which of his brain cells had died when he punched in that particular number.
“Don’t worry you didn’t pick that one it was me.”
“Spike!”
“Last time I looked, yeah but that doesn’t really mean that much the last hundred plus years, since I can’t see my reflection in a mirror!”
“What are you..I mean how?”
“Don’t flatter yourself whelp, this was my drinking habitat way before you got all mean and ran away.” He tapped out a cigarette and lit it, giving Xander a familiar and unwelcome visual.
“So, what brings you to this particular neck of the woods?”
Spike asked as he narrowed his eyes at him.
“And you care why, ‘cos your not the evil undead any longer? Were you cursed with a soul? Did Buffy send you? No, wait, Nobody knows where I am.”
“I don’t care, just making conversation.”
Xander let that one ride for a while, he sipped his drink and Spike drew on his smoke. People had started to come in now and noise was making its nightly debut. Xander brushed his fingers shakily through his hair and knocked back his drink in one. He looked at Spike for a minute and then asked:
“Fancy getting snarkered?”
“You buying?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Count me in then, I find it physically impossible to say no to free alcohol, even from undesirables.“
“Hey, I’m desirable.”
Xander protested as he ordered a bottle of single malt and asked for two fresh glasses. Spike merely raised his eyebrows. Xander filled their glasses and looked at Spike properly for the first time since he arrived. He looked the same, but something was off. He couldn’t put a finger on it, but no wait, he didn’t care. Whatever it was, was Spike’s deal and Xander didn’t have the energy. Maybe the inclination later, it might be an opportunity to take the piss or rub some salt into a wound. Never got bored of that where Spike was concerned.
“You’re oddly quiet for someone who normally has verbal diarrhoea.”
“I guess I’ve finally found what it is that will shut me up. The breaking of the hearts, not encouraging verbosity, oddly in fact, making it difficult to form coherent thought.” Spike bit back a wisecrack at that particular remark; there was free booze after all.
“Let’s play some pool.” He suggested instead. Xander inclined his head. He picked up his drink and the bottle and followed Spike to the pool table.
“Just so you know, she left town, Anya. Shut up the Magic Box and high-tailed it outta town. Sorry don’t know where. I don’t think the Scoobies know either.”
“Shut up Spike and rack ‘em.”
Spike did that. After that they managed to avoid the issue and play a lot of pool and get seriously drunk. By closing time neither of them knew who was winning, nor did they care, they had a surreal buzz on and no worries in their conscious minds.
“Where are you staying?” Spike asked Xander with a quizzical expression.
“I know this. It’s a place. Somewhere with a bed and breakfast if I get up early enough, which I might add I do not. I try to be too hung over to appreciate culinary delights of a morn‘. Why where you staying?” This seemed like a perfectly normally and sane thing to ask him.
“My crypt of course, you know the one rearranged by the Slayer and Captain Cardboard? I did plan to move into my new mansion but the buggers haven’t finished with the refurbishment yet, but I forbear. To the crypt it is.” Spike did his best taking the piss out of Angel voice.
“You can’t drive back to Sunnydale in this state Spike, you might kill someone. You’ll have to stay with me.” He concluded illogically. Spike looked at him for a moment, thinking of plenty of reasons to say no, but in the end not saying any of them.
“Alright then. Sure you can remember where it is?”
“I think so. Follow me.”
It turned out that it wasn’t that far from the bar they had been in. In fact that was the reason Xander had been in that particular bar, because it was only a stones throw from the rooms that he was currently holed up in.
“Take the bed nearest the door, then you won’t be fried in the morning sun. Luckily the drapes are lined.” Spike took off his duster and absolutely nothing else and fell into the bed that Xander pointed to.
“Night then.” He said and promptly fell into a deep slumber, snoring softly.
Xander took off his clothes and wrestled with his PJ’s. He hated to sleep in clothes, partially because it was something that happened too often as a member of the Scoob’s and fighting nasties on a regular basis. Mainly though, it was just plain uncomfortable. He looked across at Spike. He supposed that to Spike anything was a peg or two up from sleeping in a mausoleum. He went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and take a leak. He looked at his reflection in the mirror. Could his life get anymore surreal?
---
Spike awoke to a feeling of such intense comfort, he thought for a moment he must be someone else. Then he realised that his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth and his belly was growling with hunger, so it must be only a small comfort zone. He risked opening his eyes. He had thought for a hopeful moment that maybe he was at Buffy’s and then remembered with some bitterness that they had never actually done it at her house. Nor would they be ‘doing it’ again. She had made it perfectly clear. He groaned as the familiar ache settled in the pit of his stomach, making him feel nauseous. Well, at least it had quelled the hunger for the time being. Now, if he could just remember where he was and why.
He poked his head out of the duvet and spied a tousled brown head in the twin bed. He remembered. Great he was stuck in this place until the sun set. Comfort zone pretty much diminished. Xander didn’t look like he was stirring any time soon; so Spike did the only thing he could do and went back to sleep. He woke later to a shaking of the shoulders.
“Spike. Wake-up already. I’ve brought food.”
“I need blood you ninny, food’s only for fun.”
“Yeah well it’s your lucky day, they have a helpful butcher in town. I seriously think he may be related to a butcher from Sunnydale.”
“Eh?”
“It’s on the nightstand. Sorry it’s not warm.” Spike blinked. He felt a little confused but he could have sworn that Xander said something about blood. After a few minutes he sat up in bed. He reached for the blood and sipped it thoughtfully.
“Thanks.”
“Your welcome. So what shall we do for the rest of the day Spike? You can’t go out yet, it still being daylight and all, wanna watch some TV, I think “Passions “ is on?”
Xander refused to think about the bizarreness of the situation and instead ate his brunch and turned on the portable in the corner of the room. Spike continued to sip his blood and refused to think about Xander being friendly and decided that even though he wasn’t thinking about it, maybe Xander had changed in some fundamental way, for pity’s sake he was being, nice.
They watched the TV for a while in companionable silence, occasionally laughing or groaning at one another’s vitriolic diatribe. They stayed in bed until it got dark and then Xander dived in the bathroom. Spike wondered if he should go now. He didn’t want to. What was there back in SunnyHell for him anyway? The boy could probably use the company and anyway if he looked after him, he may get back in Buffy’s good books. Now there was a thought and a plan.
Xander came out of the bathroom steam trailing after him. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair stuck up where he had rough dried it. He looked at Spike.
“It’s all yours.”
“Great.”
Spike leaped out of bed and hit the shower. The water was still hot and the spray invigorated him as it hit his skin. He reached for the shower gel and began to soap of the dirt from the last 24 hours or so. The smell hit him and turned his stomach to mush. Vanilla. It smelled like Buffy. Not totally of course, she had her own smell in the mix, but she always used vanilla in the bath and shower and heightened vampire senses sent the sensory memory straight to his groin.
He couldn’t help it, despite the pain he was hard. He gripped his erection and started to pump it. Despite her holier than thou attitude, she had liked it rough. He remembered slamming into her as her thrusts met his. Her stamina was amazing and although Spike had lived far longer, had more experience, she had taught him a thing or two. He still laboured a mockery of breathing as he neared climax.
The smell of her all around him, remembering the way her breath hitched as she neared her own satisfaction, the feel of her silky hair, the soft warmth of her skin and the strength of her muscles and the way she said his name as she finally came. Spike stilled as he went over the edge. He felt tears blur his vision for a moment and he blinked them angrily away. She wasn’t worth it. She didn’t get him, couldn’t love him and he just had to move on. Somehow.
---
Xander put on fresh clothes and checked his wallet. Yes, still enough to keep on with the drowning of the sorrows. He wondered if Spike would be coming with him again. Perhaps not, why would he stay? Oddly he didn’t want him to go. It hit him then how low he must be feeling. He actually wanted Spike’s company. Well anyone’s company even Spike’s. Spike came out of the shower wearing the same clothes he had on before. Of course, he didn’t have any others with him. He hair looked relaxed, damp and curling slightly, and Xander had to fight the urge to laugh because Spike looked like a cherub. An evil pissed off cherub, with startling blue eyes.
“What you lookin’ at?” He challenged.
“Nothin’. You coming with?” He nodded in the direction of the bar. Spike hesitated. He felt like shit. It didn’t help smelling like Buffy and an emotional wank wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
“Don’t worry Deadboy Jr, I’ll pay.”
“Well since you solicit yourself so eloquently, lead the way.”
Xander ignored the jibe and locked the room behind him. It occurred to him that no matter how he looked at this it still came out weird. He really didn’t like Spike that much. True he didn’t hate him as much as he did Deadboy, he had helped out a lot while Buffy was dead. He appeared to have a lot more personality too, but then he wasn’t weighed down with a soul was he? Xander didn’t know why, it just seemed ok to have him around while he felt the way he did. Spike didn’t want anything from him, least of all explanations, and he simply didn’t want to be alone.
They walked over to the bar in easy silence; both lost in their own reverie. They could hear the noise spilling out as they entered the doors, music and raucous laughter. The atmosphere was friendly enough though, so hopefully there wouldn’t be any trouble.
“So, what’s it to be tonight, pool? Or are you just dragging your sorry ass to the bar in the hope that if you prop it up long enough they’ll take pity on you and offer you a job? Save you having to go home and face the music.” Spike raised his left eyebrow and pursed his lips to receive the cigarette he was about to light.
“No Spike, I thought we would sit and have a deep and meaningful conversation about relationships. You should go first, if you say anything fascinating, I’ll be sure to put in my memoirs.” He said sarcastically.
He ordered two bottles of imported beer and slid one over to Spike. Spike blew out a mouthful of smoke and eyed him with narrowed eyes. He actually felt momentarily sorry for the boy. If he felt anything like Spike did himself, well then he knew he didn’t feel good. As he looked at him waiting for the next barbed comment, Xander noted that for once there was no smirk trying to break out around his lips, but they did seem to crumple for a second. He figured he must have been imagining things.
“So what’s the demon population like this far from the hellmouth? You said you come here a lot so I figured you would know.”
“No this place is only usually a pass through to Sunnyhell. I’m not saying you don’t have your odd vampire or two, but oddly people are a lot more aware in this berg. They tend to stay alive longer ‘cos of it.”
“So why do you come here?”
“Beats lookin’ at you lot all the time, plus I don’t get hassle for being the Slayer’s “lackey”.” That came out a little more bitter than Spike liked. So moving swiftly on he asked.
“Why did you pick this place? I figure if you’re gonna do a bunk it’s a least worth going somewhere worthwhile. Like Brazil or London.”
“That’s it, hassling me isn’t on the menu pal. I needed to think. It was far enough away, besides I’m going back. Eventually.”
He looked sick, not just physically but heartsick. Spike felt himself start to feel sorry for him again and mentally kicked himself for being such a pouf. Best leave that to the “Caped Crusader”. Maybe Spike had changed but this was Xander Harris he was going soft over, mostly admittedly witless, gormless and idiotic but with a mean streak he could take the Desotto a road trip on. If he still had it that is. May Satan rest its soul.
“Okay I’ll ask you this once then I’ll leave off. Why?” Xander looked at him for a long time. Then he seemed to come to some sort of decision before he said:
“Fear. Give me the Hellmouth any day, it’s scary true, but I usually know exactly what I have to do to deal with it. And if I don’t, well we work it out, with the research and the magic and the abilities of the Slayer. Relationships though, they can be an evil, evil thing. I thought I wanted to marry Anya, it was my idea! I know that demon was on a vengeance gig and what he showed was made up.
But it was like he had taken all my doubts and made them in to a home movie. I’ve watched my mom and dad for years. They’ve have made bitter and twisted an art form. It wasn’t always like that. Hell, even I can remember when they still loved each other but things still turned out the way they did. I can’t risk that happening to Anya and me. I love her too much for that.” Xander blinked as he realised that he had practically made a speech and to Spike of all people.
“’Spose it never occurred to you to speak up sooner. If you ask me you’ll be very lucky if she hasn’t reverted to her former vengeful ways. That blue guy was at the wedding after all.” Spike took out his customary smoke and realised he only had a few left. He’d have to scare some up especially if the conversation carried on being this deep.
“I was steam-rollered man by the whole preparation thing. I mean I knew how I was feeling but before I had chance to put coherent thought into something resembling a sentence we already had cake, ya know?”
Spike just looked at him, for once his face relaxed, no raised eyebrow, lips free of smirk. His eyes however were veiled. Couldn’t have the whelp seeing empathy there now could he? Xander shrugged.
“I guess I’m just crap at the whole relationship thing. Who would of thought I had commitment issues?” He gave a cheerless grin.
“Relationships aren’t that difficult, it’s just what people make them. When I was with Dru….” Xander interrupted him
“You can’t be serious, she was nuttier than a fruitcake.” He looked at Spike as if he thought that applied to him too.
“I know all that, listen the point is, I knew her. I knew what her pet project of the week was, what her obsessions were no matter how often they changed. What song was running around inside her fucked up head and why. Ok, maybe she’s a bad example to illustrate my point. The thing is though, whether it’s friendship or love, to me it’s about the other person. I don’t mean I ever disappeared or nothin’, I was the Big Bad after all.
At the end of the day it’s finding out if you can love that person the way they need and want to be loved and if that fits in your life.”
He stubbed out his cigarette and lit another one straight after. This was not what he had in mind at all. He didn’t know what he had in mind really but this was seriously, well too serious.
“Still finding it hard to believe that soulless demons can love Spike.”
“Why? Why is it so hard? You have seen the evidence for yourself enough times. It just doesn’t fit your definition of what a demon is, how they should act. Some human beings aren’t capable of real love you know having a soul doesn’t guarantee that. But you only have to look at Angelus after he got all blissful and groiny with her Highness. He wasn’t that deranged before he was cursed you know. His demon was out and pissed off because it had loved Buffy too. And The Judge, he could sense the humanity in Drusilla and me, because of the love we had for one another. Even Harmony, stupid bint that she is, would have loved me if I’d let her.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I told you already. You have to be able to love someone how they need to be loved, otherwise it turns out to be an exercise in let’s wake up at the altar, when it’s not so much a realistic decision as a catastrophe for all concerned. I’m not judging you, so don’t start getting pissed at me. You never had the guidance and besides I’ve had about a hundred years longer than you to work it out.” He finished his beer and smoke. Xander followed suit and ordered another bottle of single malt and two glasses. They both downed a couple straight off and poured a third.
“Was Drusilla your only love then? You were together a long time. I mean I know that you have this little obsession going on with Buffy.”
“Stop it Xander. You’re just being pig-headed about it, you know that I love her.” Spike seemed to lose his rhythm for a moment and took a shaky drag on yet another smoke, his last one. “Dru wasn’t the only one besides Buffy.” Xander raised both eyebrows.
“There was Angelus too.”
Spike wanted to laugh out loud at the look on Xander’s face, and for a moment felt slightly hysterical because he had opened up that particular can of worms. The truth was though, he felt touched. The lad had opened up to him, and may be it was any port in a storm will do kind of deal, but he didn’t think he would share this much even with Willow. There was a multitude of emotions crossed Xander’s face including loathing, revulsion, surprise, and an “I knew there was something between you!” kind of look. Something else in the mix too but Spike couldn’t read it; it was gone as soon as it arrived.
“I knew there was more to this Sire thing than Giles let on about! So did you, I mean were you?” He put his hands up in a help me out gesture.
“That’s right, I remember. Angel pretending he was gonna snack on you that night before St Vigeous. I forgot you knew that Angel Sired me. Not that he admits it to anyone ever. He couldn’t have you lot casting aspersions now could ‘e?” Xander snorted and sprayed whiskey everywhere.
“Casting aspersions? You my man have spent far too much time with Giles, or possibly Angel. So what’s the deal then with you and Soul-Boy?”
“There isn’t any deal with me and the Pouf. Angelus however, was a different matter. He was different back in the day. Oh sure, he was a bastard make no mistake but not all the time and not to a favoured Childe. He freed me from a claustrophobic and nauseating existence the night he turned me, so he was the dog’s knob from the start as far as I was concerned. Thing is that when he wasn’t with the blonde bitch without the Slaying abilities, he was a lot of fun. He didn’t just kill haphazardly like demons tend to do; he turned it in to an adventure, a sport and he was so inventive. The same was true in the sack.”
“Ok, up to now not loving the story.”
“Give over, we’re demons, I don’t know what you expect. It was all new to me then and thoughts of redemption never crossed my mind. We were having too much fun. And the only people who cared about what we did that actually mattered, well they were doing it too.”
“But you look at it different now of course.” Xander managed to sound only half-sarcastic.
“Well at lot has changed since then. Angel getting all soulful for one thing. Bastard left Dru and me high and dry, not a word to us, not a goodbye, kiss my ass or nothin’. I don’t know why he thought I wouldn’t know about it though, the news travelled through the vampire kingdom like a bush fire.” Spike pulled all the loose change out of his pocket.
“No more talk ‘til I have more smokes.”
“I have to take a piss anyway.” Xander left the bar in search of the bathroom.
Xander pushed his way into the gents after fighting the crowd to get to it. He did need a piss but not so much as he needed a breather. He hadn’t liked his reaction to what Spike had just told him and he wanted to examine it a little. The thought of Spike an Angel together, naked, doing stuff. Oh god not getting hard, NOT getting hard. He couldn’t get the image out of his head now.
Two cool bodies pressed together, caressing each other, kissing, writhing, beautiful to behold and he did not just join them in his head. Deep breath, could anyone see him acting strangely? Oddly, considering how much everyone appeared to be drinking, no one else was in the bathroom. It occurred to him that they must all be vampires and then dismissed it as paranoid delusion. He really wasn’t thinking straight, snicker. Yeah but he really needed another drink.
---
Spike brought his cigarettes and lit one immediately. He poured them both another drink from their quickly disappearing supply and took a look around the room while he waited for Xander to return. The crowd had continued to be raucous and most of them were cooking up a storm on the dance floor. The rest drinking beer, eating basket meals and generally having a good time. He envied them for a minute; he hadn’t let go like that since before he had started to have “feelings” for the Slayer, hell since before he’d had a government head case royally screw his noggin. Xander downed his drink in one as soon as he returned and poured another.
“So, you were telling me about you and Angel, sorry Angelus.”
“What else is there to say? I loved him, Dru loved him and he loved me, he didn’t really get Dru once he’d sent her loony.”
“So how did that work exactly? I mean were you all doing it?”
“Sure, why wouldn’t we? Never slept with a man since though. Angelus was special. He’s my Sire.” Xander suddenly grinned. He couldn’t help it. Spike had screwed Angel. Buffy would be so pissed if she knew. He went to speak and Spike interrupted him.
“No Buffy doesn’t know. I never told her and I’m sure if Angel had; I’d be a big pile of dust. So would he probably. Now how about we get pissed and I beat your ass at pool.”
“The tables being used, but I like the getting pissed part. There is one thing I want to say though, since we’re laying cards on the table.” Spike nodded his head.
“Buffy will never love you. I’m not this saying to piss you off this time, but think about it Spike. Angel was the love of her life and she never accepted his demon. What makes you think she will accept yours?” Spike looked up sharply. He could just spill the beans, what difference would it make? It was over now. The truth was though Xander was right, he knew it. Maybe he would tell him but not tonight. He’d had enough of show and tell.
“Your right. So how about some food?”
Xander was surprised that he had agreed with him so readily but his head was beginning to ache with the conversation and the thought of who he was having it with. And quite possibly all the whisky he had drunk. Food sounded like a good idea. Clutching the rest of the whisky under his duster Spike lead the way out of the bar.
“I’m thinking pizza, spicy potato wedges and chicken dippers.”
“Yeah I like them, great for dunkin’ in your o pos’.”
“Eeew! Thanks for that disturbing image and did I mention eew?”
“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it pet.”
“You must be drunk, you called me ‘pet’.”
“’Sright, I am Ducks.” Spike giggled a bit hysterically. Xander hadn’t heard Spike laugh that often and it sounded weird.
“Come on Cherub, we’ll even make sure there’s no garlic on the food.” Spike spluttered through his laughter.
“Cherub. Are you insane? Precious.” He giggled again. He was starting to feel a bit drunk, they had sunk the best part of a litre bottle of whisky and the whole situation was ludicrous and adding to the feeling.
Later laden down with their supper they made their way back to the hotel. Through a mouthful of food Xander said.
“TV should be ok on a Friday night, might be a movie on or something.”
“Yeah, no porn I’d wager” Xander felt his hard-on harden.
“I’m so not watching pornography anything with you Spike.”
“Yeah you tease a bloke with your pet names and false affection…”
“Never been called a cock tease before!”
“Doesn’t mean that you aren’t one.” Spike dipped his chicken in his mug of blood.
“You know this stuff is so much better when it’s warmed up.”
“If you don’t like room service pal, there’s a swank hotel down the street. Be my guest to not be my guest.”
“Ooh, touchy.” He threw a dipper at his head.
“Hey, tell me that didn’t have blood on it!”
“That didn’t have much blood on it. Give it back now.” Xander threw it back and it hit him on the nose.
“Thought you were putting the telly on mate.” Spike got off his bed and stumbled a bit on his way over to put it on. Xander filched the bottle of the nightstand and poured them each a finger in the glasses provided.
“I am drunk, but I’m working on the next stage. What’s the next stage?”
“Black out.”
“No, I don’t want to pass out yet, there’s more food to be had and possibly porn on the TV.”
“No, I didn’t say pass out, I said black out. It’s the bit were you do things you wouldn’t normally do but aren’t aware your doin’ it and can’t remember a thing the next day.”
“Spike are you trying to get in my pants?”
“Well I’m am a bit horny, fancy a go pet?”
“You’re gross. I’m gonna ignore you and concentrate on blacking out without any involvement from you.” Xander sunk his drink and poured another immediately, refusing to acknowledge the effects the words had on him.
“You know, whisky doesn’t really go with pizza.”
“Whisky goes with anything, especially more whisky. Give it here. There’s not much left.”
“Have no fear. I have more.” Xander opened the door of the nightstand to show another bottle. Spike had left the TV showing an old black and white flick.
“I love this film.” Xander said when he realised what was showing. “You know no one makes films like this any more, where conversation is the star of the piece. Also, it’s very funny, I must have seen it about half a dozen times already.”
“Ah. “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf?” I love the bit were Liz says to Dick ‘I swear if you existed I’d divorce you.’ “
“And the bit where he says, ‘I’m imagining you Martha up to your neck in cement. No, up to your nose it would be quieter.’ This film rocks.” Sitting on their beds, laughing at the film, they both forgot their troubles for a while. This time they both fell asleep with their clothes on.
---
Xander woke and couldn’t understand what the painful noise was that was thumping in his head. He remembered breaking the clock radio at the side of his bed a few weeks ago in his rush to get up one morning when he was late for work. Perhaps Anya had bought a new one.
“Anya, turn the alarm off.” He mumbled. No answer.
“Never mind I’ll do it myself.” He tried to prise his eyes open and turn over but the noise turned into pounding. Forgetting he was in a single bed and away from the wall, Xander rolled too far and landed with a sickening thud on the floor.
“Oh god.”
He rushed for the bathroom and made it just before the whole of last nights supper came back, infinitely less tasty than when it went down. Each time he retched, his head pounded a little harder. He remembered now where he was and how Anya was so not with him. He passed a shaky hand across his eyes. Perhaps this method of easing the pain had lost its appeal.
He got in the shower and afterwards brushed his teeth for what seemed like forever. Spike was still sleeping when he went back in the room for fresh clothes. Bet he wouldn’t feel this shit when he woke up. He dropped the towel he was wearing and pulled on clean boxers.
“Nice ass pet.”
“Jesus you made me jump. I thought you were still asleep.”
“A likely story. Guess you’re the worse for wear?”
“Oh yeah, and I bet your not.”
“Still drunk if you want the truth, I’m sure I’ll suffer later.”
Xander finished dressing his cheeks hot. Perhaps it was time to go back to Sunnydale and face the music. He could feel complications brewing here he could well do without. His own imagination and Spike’s innuendo were making him hot and cold in turns, and dammit it was starting to get more appealing. He realised this was probably due to loneliness and the heartbreak he was suffering but it felt a peculiar way to feel as he had never thought about sleeping with another man before. Well not much, and anyway, Spike, more vampire than man.
“I think it’s time to go back.”
“Give over will yer, I can’t go any where ‘til it’s dark and I’m not ready to go back yet.”
“Exactly why are you here anyway?”
Spike groaned. Now he was starting to sober up. He sat up in bed and looked at him. The look of misery on his face was horrible to see and he realised that although there wasn’t much he could do to help the kid, he did want to.
“I have my reasons. Don’t think you would care for any of them.”
Xander sat on the edge of Spike’s bed. It was easier than swaying about, and his bed seemed so far away. Well, actually nearer than Spike’s but he suddenly needed to see Spike’s face closely when he gave his reasons.
“Why don’t you give me the benefit of the doubt? I might surprise you. Look Spike I know this is a bizarre situation and that normally we don’t like each other but I have kinda spilled my guts to you. It wouldn’t kill ya to return the favour.”
“Maybe not but you might.”
“If it helps I know it has something to do with Buffy. Did she finally get fed up of you mooning after her and try to finish off your undead ass? Or did you just finally realise that it was hopeless and rather than deal with it you’re avoiding the pain. Much like me I admit.” Spike felt strangled when he tried to speak. It didn’t seem right to tell Buffy’s secrets to Xander but he did have a point. Share and share alike and all that.
“There’s a little more to it than that I’m afraid. We, she and I we had a thing. I don’t know what you’d call it really, she never loved me I know that but I was willing to take what ever she offered, take a chance she would love me one day. Ever regretted doing something at the same time as being glad you had the opportunity to do it and wouldn’t change it no matter how much pain you’re in now.” Xander stared at him.
“You’re not joking are you? Does anyone else know about this?”
“No. She wouldn’t tell, she was ashamed of me, us.”
Xander put his head in his hands. He was so very way beyond surprised. Not because Spike was a vampire, Buffy already had a history of sleeping with the undead, and he could hardly get all high and mighty over it he had been entertaining similar thoughts a short while ago. He just had really believed that Buffy just didn’t feel that way about Spike. He didn’t have a soul, so he didn’t even have the advantages that Angel had in the attracting the Slayer department. Still she had been acting peculiar since they had brought her back from the dead.
“It started before you and your Scoobie pals knew where she’d been. I was the only one she felt she could tell, talk to about it. I thought her place was in the dark with me, but you could say she has found her way back to the light.” He gave harsh laugh.
“I thought I felt like shit when Dru left, but this. I’m thinking Sunnydale might be over for me for good.” Spike felt his face crumple and turned it to a sneer.
“If you’re gonna stake me get it over with. You’d be doin’ me a favour.”
“I’m not gonna stake you Spike. What a sorry, mad fucking mess. He was silent for a moment and then he asked.
“ Ok, why are you flirting with me? You don’t seriously think I would sleep with you do you?”
“Oh and you haven’t been asking yourself that same question? We’re both lonely and in pain. Nothin’ wrong with a bit of solace.”
“I don’t sleep with men, or vampires.” Xander’s heart started to pound a bit faster. Hearing Spike admit what he suspected had given him an unexpected thrill.
“Not as opposed to the idea as you would have me believe though are you. I can hear your heart pet. I can smell your arousal.” He slid his hand down the duvet and brushed his fingers across Xander’s. It felt cool, and not unpleasant and he didn’t move his hand straight the way.
“Stop it Spike. My life is complicated enough.”
“”Are you sure? I could make you forget for a while.” Spike was aroused himself now, his eyes starting to cloud with desire, his lips in a luscious pout.
“Maybe you could. For a while and then I would just feel worse. I do still love Anya you know.” His breath had quickened slightly and he was beginning to feel a little hot, but he didn’t move from Spike’s bed.
“Maybe you do, but you’re not in love with her and she’s not lifetime material. Not for you anyway. You’ve bent over backwards to accommodate her into your life and that’s not the way it should be. I’m not saying it should be easy all the time and I’m sure she gave a lot to you too. You know what I believe about love anyway.”
Spike reached out his hand again. He began to trace patterns on Xander’s forearm. Xander forgot how ill he had been feeling and just concentrated on the delicious tingles shooting up his arm. His mouth started to twitch. He would not kiss spike; he would not kiss Spike. Oh God he was kissing Spike! He still tasted of smoke and whisky and other things, none of which put him off slipping his tongue passed his lips and tasting the inside of his mouth. If Spike was surprised it didn’t stop him returning the kiss. It wasn’t a frenzied kiss; it was soft and exploratory and Xander’s cock was getting uncomfortable now. After a few moments Xander broke away.
“Does this mean we’re bisexual?”
“Don’t know about you pet, I’m just greedy™.”
Spike pulled him back and started to nibble on his bottom lip, then he chased the nibbles with his tongue and groaned when Xander parted his lips to allow him entry. He tasted of toothpaste and his mouth was warm and inviting. This did not suck in the slightest, except now it did because Xander had pulled back again.
“What?” He raised his scarred eyebrow at him.
“Well kissing’s one thing, and might I add very nice, but it leads to other things and I don’t know if I’m ready to add unfaithful to my list of ways to turn Anya back into Anyanka.”
“You’re scared aren’t you? How about if we just fool around and see where it takes us. Nothin’ will happen unless you want it too, ok?”
Xander was so tempted; his cock was throbbing painfully and all he could think of was Spike’s hand relieving the tension. Fuck it. He scooted down the bed and before he knew it they were both laying down side by side and now the kissing was more urgent. Spike ran his right hand down Xander’s back, marvelling at the feel of tight, warm, muscles. The last time he had lay next to someone this much bigger than him, had been with Angelus and they shared the same body temperature. Xander may not be experienced with touching another male, but now he had made up his mind he wasn’t afraid to explore the body next to him.
Spike was all hard lines and muscle, (and he traced every one) until you got to his eyes and lips. Xander looked into his eyes and saw the desire there and was so glad he hadn’t turned this down. His gaze dropped to Spike’s lips and he darted out his tongue to have another taste they were so soft and lush. Spike’s hand wandered to his crotch and tentatively stroked him through his jeans. Xander pushed into his hand to encourage the friction and was rewarded when Spike unzipped his fly and popped the top button then freed him from his boxers.
He stroked him with his fingertips at first, dipping into the precome that had formed at the head. He let go long enough to roll Xander on his back and then he fisted him, slowly at first, shallow pumps as he cupped his balls with his other hand. Xander reached up and tried to pull Spike’s shirt and tee off with fingers that had forgotten for the minute how to do anything other than touch Spike’s body. Once he had them off and tossed them on the floor he ran his hands over Spike’s chest. He circled his nipples with his thumbs and reached up for another kiss. He wanted to feel skin on skin and although what Spike was doing was better than all right he wanted them naked.
“What, don’t you like it?”
“I do, I just want to be naked.”
They got rid of the rest of their clothes and Spike sunk on top of Xander with a blissful sigh. Their cocks were touching and Spike rocked his hips a bit to create some friction. Xander curled his fingers in Spike’s hair and kissed him deeply. Tongues swirling, tasting inside each others mouth and Xander noticed how strange it was to kiss someone who didn’t need to breath. They rolled to the side and grabbed each other’s cocks, not breaking the kiss they both began to fist each other. This was the first time in Xander’s life he had held another penis and he couldn’t believe how good it felt. Spike was really hard and he gave an internal grin that he was the cause. Mutually they opened their eyes. They continued pumping each other and this was another first for Xander. Looking at someone as they had sex was something he hadn’t done before and it added to the eroticism of the moment.
Spike wanted nothing more than to sink right into Xander but this was certainly all right for starters. He had the soulful eyes going for him and hadn’t he taken to it like a duck to water? They kissed some more and they knew they weren’t going to last much longer; Xander’s breaths were coming in little hitches now and even Spike had begun to pant. As their climax neared they started to pump each other faster, spurred on by the thought of release. Xander’s knees stiffened and he gripped Spike tighter as he helplessly spurted come all over his hand. That was all Spike needed and a string of senseless babble fell from his lips as he followed Xander into oblivion.
“I told you already, you don’t have to call me God when we’re alone.” Xander was the first to speak. Spike gave a shaky laugh.
“Make me come like that again love and I’ll call you anything you like.” Xander reached for the towel he had dropped on the floor so they could wipe themselves down. Spike kissed him again. Xander was surprised he thought once he’d got his rocks off that would be it. They kissed for a few more minutes before Spike broke it off to say:
“How about you stay a bit longer. I can’t do anything until sundown. Well I can do plenty I just can’t leave.”
He brushed Xander’s hair out off his face and he started to get hard again. He liked this look on him, all flushed and satisfied looking. He thought he could improve that look though if he just let him. He wondered if there was anything in this place that could be used as lubricant.
“I guess a bit longer won’t make that much difference.”
There was nothing like youthful exuberance to match vampire stamina and he was hard again too. Spike trailed a few open-mouthed kisses down his abdomen and then concentrated on the tops of both his thighs, avoiding his cock. He lightly pinched his nipples and then followed the path of kisses with his fingers. After teasing for a while he tongued the underside of his cock and swallowed the head, sweeping his tongue around it. Xander couldn’t help it he moaned, this was so much better than the way he had been feeling earlier, he could get addicted to this.
“Like that do you pet?” Spike asked around a mouthful of cock.
“Don’t stop, please don’t stop.”
“Oh I think we can find better uses for this and better places to put it. Do you have anything we can use as lubricant?”
“What?”
“Don’t worry, I thought you could do me. First.” Xander swallowed. Ok, fear. Nerves. Performance anxiety. He sat up and reached into the top drawer of the cabinet by the bed. He shrugged at Spike’s look.
“Didn’t know how long I was gonna be here.”
Spike took it from him, palmed a generous amount and started to slide it up and down Xander’s turgid length. On their knees and face to face on the bed, Xander put his hands either side of Spike’s waist and started to lave Spike’s throat. He moved his hands to grip the back of Spike’s head, what he was doing felt so good.
Spike grabbed his hand and slid lubricant around his middle finger, he lay on the bed and put his feet over Xander’s shoulders and guided his hand to his entrance. Xander leaned over and kissed him and slid his finger slowly into Spike’s hole. It felt velvety and soft and cool to the touch. He felt for his prostrate and gave it a flick, earning a hiss from Spike.
“Thought you hadn’t done this before?” he rasped.
“I haven’t, I just know about the body. Biology’s the one thing in school I didn’t suck at.” He added another finger to the first stretching Spike and now so passed marvelling how bizarre the situation was and still getting.
“You know you really don’t need to do that for me. We can skip the preliminaries and you could just fuck me already.”
Xander removed his fingers and gripped his own cock. He really didn’t think it would go in there. He pushed forward a bit and meeting resistance pushed harder. Once he was passed the tight ring of muscle, the rest of him seemed to be sucked in by a gravitational force. He pulled out a bit and slid back in. Spike met his thrust and gripped Xander’s arms so he could thrust easier.
“Harder. Fuck me harder.”
Xander started to thrust quicker and deeper. Spike angled himself so his prostate was hit every time. He started to fist his own cock, until Xander batted his hand away and started to pump him in time to his thrusts. This was incredible. So much tighter than screwing a woman and the words of encouragement that Spike was whispering turned him on so much. Anya had been pretty vocal during sex, she knew what she wanted, but it had been a bit like listening to an instruction manual at times.
This was something else entirely, Spike was lost to bliss and it was so long since he had done this and oh God Xander was not holding back at all. Spike curled a hand around the back of Xander’s head and pulled him down for a kiss. It was deep, mimicking their coupling and Xander wished momentarily that he didn’t need to breathe either, as he had to come up for air. Spike settled back down and traced his hands across the searing heat of Xander’s chest. He circled nipples and followed the line of ribs and thumb fucked his navel. Xander could feel climax approaching and strove harder to that end.
His thrusts were frenzied now and Spike felt his eyes roll back up in his head. All he knew was that intense pleasure was radiating from his ass and his cock and it felt like the sum of his parts. Xander shot his load deep into Spike and everything went so quiet, he wondered if he’d gone deaf. Then he could hear again and Spike was spouting gibberish and laughing and his stomach was splashed with cold semen.
Xander went limp and fell forward on Spike and didn’t care that he was covered in Spike’s come he just wanted to kiss him and be close to him and oh God why was Spike laughing exactly? He lay on top of him until he could function again, and Spike stroked the back of his head. He had calmed down now and although Xander’s heart was trip hammering in his chest, Spike’s still refused to beat.
“Oh love, that was so good.”
“Really? Why were you laughing then?” Xander looked up at him curiously and rolled off to lie next to him. Spike missed the warmth immediately and rolled on top of Xander.
“Don’t tell me you’ve never had an intense orgasmic hysterical laugh before. You know when the pleasure’s so intense you either laugh or cry?” Xander shook his head.
“Don’t worry pet, it’s early days yet.”
He nibbled his bottom lip, before catching it in a very soft kiss. Xander felt something in his chest break and for a horrible moment he thought he was going to cry. This was too much. Sex? Great. Tenderness? Too fucking much. And then he was crying, silent tears falling down his cheeks and a small sob escaped his throat. Spike looked at him in alarm.
“What is it, did I do something wrong?”
Xander covered his face with his arm and tried to stifle the sobs that fought to get out. Arms warmed by his heat wrapped around him and gathered him in a tight embrace.
“Ok luv, let it out.”
He did and after a while his tears subsided and he felt like a bowl of mush. Spike stroked his hair away from his eyes and Xander dared to look into his. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for really, clues? He saw no mockery and none of the cruelty that was often aimed his way, but he couldn’t tell what had replaced it either.
“You feel better now?”
Spike rolled off him. Shagging was one thing but for some reason when the whelp had looked into his eyes then he felt a bit weird, like he could feel control of the situation slipping and that was just stupid.
“Yeah, I guess. Spike what are we gonna do now?”
“Don’t think about it pet, just go back to sleep for a while eh?”
He pulled the duvet over them and pulled Xander into a spooned position. Spike loved this closeness after sex. Buffy had always been in such a tear arsing rush to get away and in Spike’s book that was very bad manners. Didn’t need a to make a big thing of it, this was just a solace shag for both of them, but there was no need to be cold about it either. After a few minutes Xander’s breathing slowed down as he started to drift into sleep.
“That was amazing.” He whispered sleepily just as he slipped away.
Spike lay awake just cuddling him. It was no use him wondering how they had come to this, he knew what a horny sod he was and he had flirted shamelessly with someone who was in a very vulnerable position. It was simply his fault. Perhaps he should just make it easy on him and leave. That thought tugged a little too hard at his heartstrings and he wondered why that should be.
He sighed heavily, the enforced air moving the hairs at the nape of Xander’s neck. Such a delectable, biteable neck. He felt his cock twitch at the thought of slicing through it with his fangs, just about the time they both started to orgasm. Perhaps they could have another go when he woke up?
---
Xander was in the shower washing himself slowly simply because he wasn’t in any hurry to go back into that room. The one with Spike in it. The Spike he’d had sex with a few hours a go. Why did this always happen to him? A proposition of sex seemed to be the thing people, demons or ex-demons felt he would respond to best. Hell none of them wrong there up to now. True with Anya it had led to something more for a while, but sex had been a major feature throughout. What happened to the old fashioned notion of dating? Was he destined to lurch from one glorified one -night stand to another? He felt a little guilty at that thought because Anya had been so much more than that. The trouble was that it was more by fluke than design.
He didn’t feel guilty because he had slept with Spike, well ok a little bit, it was only a few days since the wedding that wasn’t fiasco, but the thing was, he was more pissed off at the timing. Nah, who was he kidding. This was just a roll in the hay to Spike, to take his mind off Buffy. Xander just wished he could interpret the look he had seen in Spike eyes, the one that might not necessarily be bad. As water splashed over him he sighed miserably. Why did he have to bump into Spike?
He jumped as he felt arms creep around his waist. He was being nuzzled around his ears and then nipped gently across the back of his neck. His cock stood to attention almost immediately much to his disgust but then hands were massaging his butt cheeks and he no longer cared. He turned round and came face to face with a picture of such beautiful innocence that he felt his knees give way a bit.
How did he do that, look that way when his head was only full of all things naughty? He cupped Spike’s face with his hands and after a searching look plundered the mouth that opened so invitingly. Of course they could just not bother asking and answering any questions and keep doing this instead. Much better plan.
Spike had woken to an empty bed and felt familiar panic fill his chest. Easy there old chap it’s not Buffy (Angelus) you were boffin’ earlier remember. It was just the whelp. Yeah the whelp who’d proven to be such a quick study and passionate and gave him hysterical orgasms. That must be why I’m panickin’ then, nothin’ to do with abandonment issues. He realised then that the shower was running and with a quick grin decided he needed to get cleaned up.
Xander had his back to him as he went into the bathroom. Oh my, now there’s somethin’ to write home about. The broad expanse of his shoulders and back, the muscular arms (I give worship to the deity of construction workers), the taper down to his waist and hips and the soft curve of his ass cheeks. Thighs a fullback would be proud of, and didn’t Spike just think it were time he was helpin’ himself now?
Xander’s tongue was darting across his lips, tasting, laving and seeking entry. Oh god, he could become addicted to this. He lazily swept his hands up and down Xander’s sides, cupping his ass cheeks again, reaching for his puckered opening. He circled it slowly with his finger and felt Xander tense for a moment.
“Don’t worry love, I’ll take my time. I won’t hurt you.”
He reached blindly for the shower gel and realised with horror what it would smell of. There had to be something else. His hand closed around the shampoo bottle and he splashed some on his fingers. Gently rimming him with one finger as he closed his other fist around Xander’s erection, he began to tremble at the delight on offer. Xander’s gasps at the slight burn soon changed to moans of pleasure as Spike found his prostrate and crooked his finger. Trembling himself now, Xander leaned against the wall and braced himself with his hands. Another finger joined the first and Spike scissored them slowly, stretching Xander’s channel.
Xander shivered with pleasure. This wasn’t the first time that he’d had fingers stroking him there, but this time it was different. It was made keener by the anticipation of Spike’s cock entering him and thrusting against it. Spike cupped his balls; he rolled them round, making them ache dully, all the time kissing him, up the side of his neck, across his shoulders, down his back, biting his ass cheeks gently. Xander was panting now and this was torture.
He pushed back against Spike’s hand and Spike withdrew his fingers to splash shampoo on his cock. They had moved away from the stream of water now and as soon as Spike figured he was slippery enough he gripped himself and placed the head of his cock to Xander's entrance. Xander was leaning heavily against the wall and his ass was at just the right level. He was a scared but not enough to stop, too late for that now. Inch by delicious inch Spike entered him, each time pausing to allow him to adjust to his intrusion and finally he was in.
Xander thought he was going to panic. There was no way that was gonna fit inside him, but miraculously, because Spike took his time it did. Spike started to thrust, shallow slow thrusts that left him aching for greater friction. He reached round and started to massage his cock and Xander wondered if this was just an incredibly horny dream.
“You feel gorgeous luv, are you all right?” He breathed in his ear.
“Oh yeah, can you go a bit faster?”
Xander rocked back himself, starting to meet Spike’s increased thrusts. This was amazing. He had experienced quite a bit of kink at Anya’s hands but this was a whole new experience. He loved being filled by Spike. It made him feel powerful, oddly. Perhaps because he knew that Spike hadn’t slept with another male since Angelus. The more he adjusted to Spike the harder the thrusting became from both of them. Xander’s head filled with white light and his ears with the pounding of his heartbeat and he wanted to touch Spike so badly but couldn’t easily in this position. He didn’t know what to do them it came to him. He leaned his head to one side and bared his throat.
“Spike, do it, bite me.” Joy suffused Spike’s body.
“Oh luv, are you sure?” Panting now, nearly shooting his load from the words alone.
“Yeah, do it. Do it now. I need..”
Spike didn’t wait any longer. He leaned forward, still thrusting and shifting into gameface slid his fangs into Xander’s neck like a knife into butter. Xander felt a sharp sting and then a dull pulling feeling. He could feel Spike sucking and his blood leaving his jugular vein. The warmth started in his toes and spiralled upwards to his groin and he was thrusting wildly into Spike’s hand and who was screaming? He didn’t care all he knew was that he was coming. He felt the spurt of cold come as Spike coated his insides with semen and then fangs were withdrawn from his neck and Spike was lapping at the wound to seal it shut.
His legs were like jelly and they both slid shaking to the floor. Once Spike had his faculties returned to him he turned Xander around and he was kissing him deeply and running his hands through his hair. He was vaguely aware that the water had started to run cold, but it didn’t seem to matter to Xander.
After a few minutes they turned off the shower and slinging towels around themselves crashed out on Spike’s bed. They lay face to face, legs and fingers entwined, looking at each other for what seemed like endless moments to both of them. Eventually Spike ventured:
“Why did you ask me to do that?” The corners of his eyes crinkled up in question and not a little wonder.
“I suppose I’ve thought a lot about what it would be like. I’ve had scenarios play through my head and some of them kinda turned me on. Except for the ones where I died or got turned. It just seemed the right thing for you to do. I wanted to g.”
“What pet?”
“Nothin’, I mean I knew you couldn’t hurt me right?”
Xander felt like he gone from the ridiculous to the sublime in such a short time, and can you say understatement? From really not liking Spike, to fooling around. And then all kinds of crazy stuff involving acts he never thought he would be party to. There was no way he was admitting to wanting to give something to Spike on top of that, not even in post-coital after glow. Spike stroked his hair softly making Xander feel like a revered pet. A revered pet with an aching throb in his ass and one that was matched by the one at the aperture of his throat and shoulders.
Spike couldn’t believe it. Nothing tasted better than human blood or had this effect, except of course Slayer’s blood. Xander’s blood had been rich and spiced with desire among many other things that Spike intended to examine in more detail later. He replayed Xander’s voice in his head as he told Spike to do it, and he felt himself grow hard again. Xander trailed a finger lazily up the under side of Spike’s erection making him hiss.
“That was the single most amazing sexual experience of my life, which admittedly hasn’t been that long up to now, but, you know, Anya?” Still tracing patterns on Spike’s now rigid cock he asked:
“Does this mean we can do it again?” Spike groaned.
“Love to pet but when you’re up to it. Reckon you should eat somethin’ to get your strength back up first. I didn’t take much but you need to replace some blood.”
He fingered the puncture wounds that were already closing from his healing lick. Xander felt owned. No that wasn’t right, he felt claimed. He shrugged the thought off and reached for his watch to check the time. It was still a while before dark and his stomach was growling.
“Ok, I’ll go grab something to eat and pick up some blood for you.”
Spike rolled onto his back and put his hands behind his head. Xander got up and started to dress again. When he had finished he looked at Spike who leered back at him and wiggled his eyebrows. He was beautiful, no doubt in Xander’s mind about that. He leaned over him and pressed his lips on his, gently, lips closed. Spike’s arms shot out and grabbed him, pulling him deeper into the kiss and it was a while before he let Xander up for breath.
“Don’t be gone too long pet, I have something for you.”
His eyes were almost black, the cerulean blue almost eaten by the dilation of his pupils. Xander pulled away reluctantly. He needed to eat and he needed to think, but he really didn’t want to be parted from him.
“Hopefully by then I’ll be able to put it to good use.” And then he was gone.
---
Spike lay like that for a while smoking and tuning thoughts around in his head. He wasn’t one for getting panicky about chaotic thoughts, and for a wise being he didn’t often think too deeply. He thought, concluded and moved on the next thought, simple. For some reason he didn’t like the thought he was currently mulling over though. It hadn’t been done in a ritualistic way, but he felt as though he had claimed Xander when he bit into him. He also didn’t like the one that told him that Xander was gonna panic once he’d had time to think about the turn of events and be all kinds of awkward when he returned.
He did understand this very human trait, he could even empathise but it made him impatient. Too much time got wasted that way and often it led to misunderstanding. Why did he care? Excellent question that, did he care to fathom the reason? How about all the other questions it threw up? Such as what would happen next, when they returned to Sunnydale. Could they actually act as if nothing happened? Did he want to? What about Buffy and the ex-demon if she returned? Whoa Nelllie, slow down, do your usual, one thing at a time.
Right then, first things first. He didn’t want Xander to feel odd about what had happened between them because it felt good when he felt all right about it. Xander was a passionate man and he had enjoyed having sex with him. He wanted to do it again and again. Was there more to it than that? He had felt something more than just physical fulfilment he just wasn’t sure what yet. (Mine) Okay then, what next? How long would they stay here, Xander would undoubtedly want to get back to his Scooby pals.
As far as Spike was concerned there was not really any need for him to ever go back, but would he? That brought up the question of how they would be with each other, especially if Xander wished to just chalk it up to experience and never tell anyone about it. Then there was Anya, if she came back which Spike had little doubt she would, they maybe able to reconcile their differences. (He can’t, he’s mine.) He felt a queer tremor in his stomach at the thought of Xander and Anya together now and started to get impatient with himself. Pull yourself together mate.
The last thing, the only other thought he was prepared to consider right now were his feelings for Buffy. He loved her so much, gut wrenching, heart-tearing, obsessive love. Yet he knew that Xander was right, she would never love him back. (Never was mine.) He would survive; he survived Drusilla leaving him after all. Yes, a little voice whispered in his head, you survived Drusilla because of your love for Buffy. He gave himself a mental shake, what did all these conclusions lead up to? What as they say was the big picture?
Spike felt ill all of a sudden. He was preparing to make life altering; or rather unlife-altering decisions based on the last few days. He breathed in unnecessary breath and let the air out slowly. He decided it he would do well to take his cues from a certain well-built construction worker for the time being. No point in being a complete fool all his unlife. He ground out the last of his cigarette and got up to get dressed.
---
Xander was looking at his plate of steak, fries, mushrooms, onion rings and garden peas in much the way Spike might look at a potential victim if he was de-chipped. He was so hungry. He ploughed in happily and for the first few mouthfuls absolutely refused to think about anything besides food. The steak was grilled to perfection, well cooked but not dry. The fries were crisp and the mushrooms were succulent. He experimented with marrying different tastes and washing it down with a big mug, of all things, tea. The rumbling in his stomach had stopped now and he felt very satisfied. Very satisfied all round. His thoughts turned to the deep ache he could feel and he decided it was something he could definitely get used to.
He knew he had to go back home soon, and he should at least ‘phone Willow and let her know he was ok. He didn’t know what was going to happen when he got back, would Spike still… He let that thought drift because he didn’t even know if Spike was going back. Did he want him to? Oh god all kinds of complications led down that path. Oh well life was pretty much a disaster at the moment so he may as well keep all the juicy stuff coming. He decided that he wasn’t going to think too much about it, he would find out what Spike’s intentions were first. He finished up his dinner, grabbed the bag containing blood for Spike and paid his bill. He went to the ‘phone booth nearby and punched in the numbers for Buffy’s house. It was answered after a couple of rings by Dawn.
“Hey Dawnie, how’s my favourite baby Summers?”
“Oh my God, Xander? Where are you, are you ok? Buffy, Willow, its Xander.” Muffled voices and a squabble over the phone receiver and then.
“Xander Harris, how could you leave us so long before you called?”
“Hey Will, how’s it going?” His heart swelled to hear their voices, and he felt a lump rise up in his throat.
“I’m good. Where are you, when are you coming home?”
“I’m not far away, I needed to think you know? I’ll be home soon, next couple of days. Did you speak to Anya? How is she?”
“Well she was pretty much how you’d expect considering, you know? She left town though, I think about a day after you.”
“I know.”
“How did you know?”
“I’m mean I know, I should know how she’d be feeling.”
“But you’re doin’ ok, I mean under the circumstances?”
“Better than you might think. I’ll be all right Willow, I love you.”
“I love you too Xander. Do you want to speak to Buffy? I think you should before she slays something in frustration.”
“Sure, put her on. Hey Buff how’s it going?”
“Hey Xander, I’m of the good, you?”
“Not really up to polite chit-chat or scary conversations, but I’ll survive. No really, I’m ok. I’ll be home soon, I love you, give Dawn a hug for me.”
“I love you too, come home safe.” “Bye, Buffy.” He hung up feeling a bit like he had been separated again, but without the cool factor of at least one of his two halves knowing what the hell he was doing. Still, one half really liked what he’d been doing and led him back to Spike to do it some more.
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