Living Arrangements

By Taltos

Chapter Two

Fuck. I had my chance and I let it go. He was right there, right bloody there and what did I do. Not a thing that's what. And just why didn't I? Because I've turned into my ponce of a Sire, that's why. Too much thinking and not enough acting. A year ago I would have just grabbed him, pinned him against the wall and kissed him until he didn't know his own name. But now, now I worry about his reaction, I worry that he won't want me here anymore and I can't bear to think about my unlife without him.

Besides that, I like it here. Best thing that ever happened was the crypt burning to the ground. 'Course the best thing about here is Xander. When I first came back I knew I had the biggest hurdle with him. I knew Dawn would be the easiest, and Buffy right behind her. All I really had to do was flash my tortured eyes at her and she forgave me almost instantly. It's not that I wasn't sorry, I was, just glad that it was all over. Learned my lesson, I did. Spent the three months I was away examining every thing I had done in the past three years. Realized that I did love her, but it really was a fucked up mess. She's got no business with me and I've not business with her. Finally just let it go, let it die like I should have done in the beginning.

But Xander, I can't stay away from. Can't stop thinking about him. Bloody dreaming about him every day. The way his whole face lights up when he smiles. They way his body moves when he's working. The way his tongue peeks out of his mouth when he concentrates really hard. I don't think I've ever wanted anyone as much as I want him. The ache of needing to feel him against me turns me inside out. It's a dangerous train of thought, that, falling for the boy. Tried so hard not to. Convinced myself I was just lonely, just needed someone to want me.

Went so far as accept an invitation from a dark haired beauty one night after work. When I yelled Xander's name as I came I knew I was lost. Not to mention quickly kicked out bed. Bad manners that, calling someone else's name in bed. I didn't go home until almost sunrise that morning. Spent the whole night walking around town analyzing what I was feeling. Realized it wasn't transference or convenience. It was him I wanted, him I needed.

I sigh knowing it's a lost cause. I don't think I've ever met a more heterosexual person in my entire existence. He doesn't want me. Someone to talk to that doesn't have breasts, yeah. But anything more than that is out of the question. It damn near kills me to watch him flirt with the girls he meets on the occasional nights he comes to work with me. The ten thousand watt smiles he gives them. The way his hands will reach out and settle against their backs as he dances with them.

I want him to hold me like that. I shake my head at what a sap I've become. Rinsing out my mug I place it in the sink and shut off the lights. I stop outside his bedroom door and listen to the sounds of him sleep. My hand falls to the doorknob. Just a little peek before I go to bed.

I open his door noiselessly and lean against the doorframe watching him. Fuck, he's beautiful. Lying on his back, one arm across his chest, the other above his head. He shifts and for a second I'm frozen in place thinking that he woke up and saw me. I listen closely to the sound of his heart. No change in the rhythm so I know he's not awake. I hear a soft moan leave his lips and the sound travels though my body straight to my cock. He kicks off the covers and the smell of his arousal hits me.

I bite my tongue to keep from moaning out loud as the smell of him surrounds me. I wonder which one he's dreaming about. Desperately trying to squash the sizzle of disappointment that settles over me. God, how I want it to be me. I watch his hips shift restlessly against the bed. He moans again, louder this time and my cock swells to painful hardness.

I need to leave before I lose my resolve not to touch him. Through his eyelids I see his eyes shift back and forth in REM sleep. His hiss of pleasure brings my attention back to his lower body. His hips are sliding to and fro faster now. I can see how hard he is through the thin material of his sweat pants and I lick my lips desperately wanting to be able to taste him.

Watching through heavy lidded eyes I see his back arch, see his body go rigid seconds before his orgasm takes him and he falls bonelessly back onto the bed still sound asleep.

With an inaudible sigh I back out the door closing it softly behind me. Time for a shower and little private time with my hand.

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