Crazy Like ThatBy Mys
//You took your coat off, and stood in the rain//
//You were always crazy like that//*What exactly is he doing there? Didn't I tell him to go away? Hasn't he embarrassed me enough already? Does he really need to continue doing it?*
Xander shook his head and turned away. He looked at the furniture of his bedroom, he was standing in.
Everything reminded him of Spike.
The open wardrobe. He had already thought about putting his things just on one side, in case, Spike would want to bring some of his stuff over.
The cupboard on the wall, where he could see the edge of Spikes duster, lying partly on top of it, partly dangling down behind it. He had taken it off and then left it there, as he was gone in the evening when Xander had come home. He closed his eyes several time, trying to blink the tears away. No tears. Not anymore. Xander moved the duster, barely touching it, and let it fall down behind the cupboard. Much better this way.
And next to the cupboard, the bed. The same bed, he had teased Spike in. Shagged him cause they had both been desperate. Loved him, when they had felt exhausted and wanted to take it slow. The same bed, he had fallen asleep in with Spike wrapped around him like a second blanket. The same bed, he had woken up in, in the morning, the warm mattress under his back, the cold body pressed against his chest, those blues eyes staring at him. Shining back at him. Devouring him.
Just the memory made his gaze blurry and his heart jump. He had to blink before he could force himself to turn away from the bed.
The scratch on the doorframe, where he had thrown the book at Spike, after he had come back to him two days after they… had ended up here together.
Of course he had missed Spike, he didn't have the patience to really aim precisely, but it had been enough to get rid of him.//And I watched from my window//
Xander turned back to look down on the street. He had torn the black blankets down yesterday. The blankets he had draped over the window, to make sure, Spike could stay here with him overnight, without being afraid of the dawn.
*It's a wonder I haven't already walled up the window. Did I really think he would want to spend his life with me?*//I always felt I was outside, looking in, on you//
*Why doesn't he just go away?*
Xander followed the raindrops on his window with one finger, tracing patterns over the glass, and thought about the past, while he kept staring at the vampire, who was standing on the street beneath his window. Motionless.
*I never understood him. Not really. He was always a miracle. And he always made sure, that he was in control. Of everything. He was afraid. He had been hurt before, but then again, so had I.*//You were always the mysterious one//
*Of course I was shocked, when he approached me that night in the Bronze. Or, not really shocked, but insecure, a little edgy and uncomfortable, cause I didn't know, what he wanted. Didn't know, what to expect. But also excited. I can't say, I didn't almost panic, when he took my hand and pulled me towards him for a dance. I mean, after all, we were in public, it was a slow dance and I had never danced with a guy before. Not to mention a male vampire.*
Xander shivered slightly, as he remembered that evening, where everything had started.
*Only three days ago*
Of course he had thought about Spike before. It was nearly impossible not to, because he was always everywhere. At the MagixBox, at the Bronze, in for some slaying.
Xander always loved to see him fight. Spike moved like a panther, fought like a lion (a female one, the males are just lazy and dumb) and danced like a God… A God of some cat-dimension, tough, but still like a God.
*Liquid sex? Yeah, that would suit him. And I melted into his arms. I wasn't aware of all the other people around us, watching us. I didn't notice that the music had changed a long time ago. I was lost in those arms, in that dance. I watched the few locks of his already too long hair falling over his forehead, over those blue eyes, which almost turned black with desire. Desire? Had he really wanted me? Well, he had started the dance. I don't know, what had got into him that night. Maybe he had been aware of each time I had stared at him too long. When I made sure, that we would go on patrol together. When I blushed, because he winked at me. Maybe he wanted it, too. Or maybe he just wanted to play a stupid game. A good mind-fuck and that's it.*
Xander turned away. The lantern-light was too harsh, the illuminated blond on the street too real. He didn't want so see, didn't want to feel anymore.//You were, fashionably sensitive, but too cool, to care//
*I mean, he knew I was attracted to him. Of course he did. Not just, that I was clearly showing it, when I started to nuzzle his neck on the dance floor, I'm sure he could also smell it. Did I ever say, how unfair vampire-senses are? Well, he didn't seem to care. And it wasn't like I had started the nuzzling without purpose. He had been the one who had tugged my head down on his shoulder. He had been the one, who had moved his hands lightly up and down my back. Besides, he had been the one who had looked like sex on legs that evening, so who was I to resist?
As he pulled away after the second or third song, which had been anything but slow I thought that he would start mocking me. Laughing. Teasing… anything to make me feel like the pathetic bloke I am. But he didn't. He took my hand and led me outside. I didn't even think about my drink, which was still on the bar, or the others I was supposed to meet later. We didn't talk. There was no need to. I think we both knew, how this evening would end. Of course I was frightened… okay, I was horribly scared. Wouldn't you be too? Ever since I had woken up for the first time after a wet dream about a blond vampire I had to think about it. Thought about being with him. Kissing him. And of course I imagined having sex with him. That was, after I got over my denial-phase. We walked down the street, next to each other, not close enough to touch but to feel the heat coming from my body, meeting the cold coming from his.*
Xander glanced down at the vampire again, who was still standing in the rain, where they had shared their first kiss.
*I can't remember, when he had finally taken my hand, but somewhere between the Bronze and my apartment I felt him reaching over, curling his fingers around mine and pulling me slightly closer. I gave him a weak smile. I didn't dare to do more. We came to the street which led to my apartment, and he slowed down, as if he felt insecure about the whole thing. I didn't want him to stop, didn't want to think. I wanted to say something that would make him go on, but I remained silent, watched my shoes and the gray, stony ground beneath them.
He put a finger under my chin and tilted my head up, so that I had to look at him. He smiled this prominent smile of his which made me quiver and melt inside, then leaned in and kissed me*
Xander licked his lips, as if there was a possibility, that Spikes taste may still be on them.
*Soft, gentle, slow. So sweet, I wouldn't have believed it if it wouldn't have been me he was kissing. I couldn't believe, that the same lips had caressed necks, before teeth had dropped to drain innocent people. It didn't matter. Not at that moment. And not any time later. He had proved often enough, that he was trustworthy. Buffy counted on him, and every time she needed him, he was there. Dawn trusted him, and they had become friends. Willow had always liked him, and even Tara was comfy, when he was around, so why shouldn't I?
As he continued his way towards the house I followed him silently.
As we walked up the stairs there was a certain awkwardness, which made me tense and the hair in my neck stood up.*//You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say//
*As I unlocked the door and went inside, I suddenly understood the weirdness, the air seemed to tremble. Spike had never been invited to my place before and I realized, that I wasn't the only one being insecure.
Spike just looked at me. He didn't say anything, didn't smile anymore, just waited for me, to ask him to step inside. I remained silent for a moment, then I cleared my throat and said 'please come in Spike'. The first words since over an hour or something. My voice didn't sound like I remembered it to sound, but then again, the situation wasn't entirely normal, so I guess it was okay.*
Xander got up from the chair next to the window he was sitting on and looked out into the living room.
*He wanted me, and I wanted him. Wanted to be wanted. Wanted to be taken. Gentle and hard, slow and fast. We stood there waiting, both waiting for the other one to make the first move. Would approaching be a sign of being brave or being weak? I didn't care anymore. I made the first move. Grasped his neck, crushed our mouths together, kissed him, as if there was no tomorrow. Maybe there wasn't. Not for us.*
Xander wanted to turn around, wanted to make sure, that Spike was still there. Wanted to feel the hope bubbling up in his belly. He forced himself to walk out of the bedroom, although everything inside him screamed and roared to get back to the window. Dream bubbles hurt so much, when they burst.
*Spike moved to the couch, drew me down on top of him, desperate to touch me, to feel my body against his. He wanted it as much as I did. He caressed my back, nuzzled my hair, pulled my shirt out of my jeans and unbuttoned them at the same time. His hands seemed to be all over my body, and I couldn't keep up with everything he did, so I stopped trying. I gave in to his touches, let myself fall, knowing how much it would hurt to crash down on the ground. I didn't care. Not back then. To be honest, not even now. It hurts. It hurts like hell, but if I had a choice, I would do it all over again. To have him once and live with the pain afterwards is better than not having him at all*
While he had been thinking, Xander had approached the couch. And he noticed, that he had started to knead the backside of it.
*Spike did that too. I pushed his shirt up, eagerly, barely keeping myself from tearing it apart in the process. I couldn't wait anymore. I needed to touch him. Touch that pale skin. Ivory-like. Beautiful. Spike was cold. Not freezing cold, but room-temperature cold. I leaned in to warm him with the heat which was dripping from my body in waves.
We struggled for domination, rearranging, and I ended up with my chest against his back. He was facing the backside of the couch and as I kissed his neck, he started to purr. I traced my tongue down his spine, licking, nibbling, tasting and teasing. He purred louder and started to move, I thought he would turn around again, or move away, but he didn't. I raised my head to see, what he was doing and I hardly repressed a chuckle. He was kneading the couch and purring like a cat. I always admired his cat-like grace and I knew, that vampires have a strong animal drive but when I had thought about it, I always imagined it wolf or lion-like. Strong, bloodthirsty, wild. What I saw now was a beautiful blond kitten-like creature. His guard had fallen a long time ago. He was vulnerable and he offered himself to me.
'What are you looking at?' Spike opened his eyes and turned his head, so he could face me. 'You', I told him. He gave me one of his cocky smiles. 'Like, what you see, huh?' A hint of insecurity flickered over his face. Something I had thought I would never see. I touched his cheek and kissed him gentle, reassuring him with this touch, showing him the attraction I felt. Not just for his body, for him. For the vampi… no, for the person he was. The person he had turned into, without really noticing it. Someone who cared about others more than for himself. Someone who would sacrifice himself to protect what had become his family. Of course he would never admit it, but I knew, it was true. And he did as well.
He clinged to me, trying to bury himself into my heat to warm his cold skin. To feel closer to me.*
Only thinking about that night made Xander shudder and he felt his arousal. He didn't want to. Didn't want to let Spike, just the imagination of Spike, have that much power over him. He wanted it to stop, but couldn't control it. Or maybe he should just accept the fact that he wasn't ready to let go yet.
*Somehow we managed to get into the bedroom. I even achieved to prevent my unbuttoned jeans from falling down. Not very long, though.*
Xander followed, where his memory was leading him and found himself once more in his bedroom.
*I hissed in frustration, as I didn't get Spike's duster off his shoulders immediately. He leaned down and caught my mouth again, hunting my tongue, tickling my upper lip with the tip of his and biting my lower lip with blunt teeth, while he shrugged off his duster. I grabbed it, as it slid down and threw it towards the cupboard. Once again I noticed just how much the duster hid. I asked myself if I would be able to bring the vampire to stop wearing it so that I would be able to see, what I was seeing now more often. But then again, that wouldn't be Spike anymore. The duster was just a part of him And I liked the thought of being the only one who got to see him like this. His skintight, stonewashed jeans perfectly defining his muscled calves and thighs. I dared to move my hands down his back over his firm ass and I started to knead it gently. He moaned, which encouraged me to sneak one hand inside his waistband. My ability to move was rapidly cut off by the tightness of Spike's jeans and I decided, that they had to go. It seemed like he had come to the same decision, cause he stopped the dance of our tongues to pull his shirt over his head, to open the button on his jeans and to pull the zipper down. I caught my breath for a moment while taking in the sight I had.
Smooth, pale skin, Spike's chest falling and rising with unneeded breaths, firm abs… I felt the urge to tickle them with my tongue and decided to come back to that later… a small trace of light brown hair under a perfect curved navel, disappearing into half open jeans. A wonder I didn't start to drool. Or maybe I did. Who cares?
Spike watched me, watching him and smiled insecure. His hands ghosted shakily over my back, my sides, down my ass and up my thighs. The Big Bad, the blond menace, the 'I don't give a damn'-Spike… just attitude. Nothing more. He wasn't the self-confident bastard he always pretended to be.*
Xander lifted his hand, as if to stroke Spikes cheek to reassure the blond, like he had done it that night, but of course there was nothing. He opened his eyes and was confronted with the empty bedroom. But in his memory, Spike was there…
*I touched his cheek and he flinched. Just a bit, but I noticed. I started to ask myself, what had hurt him so much, that he was so frightened. Frightened of a soft touch. Frightened of showing emotions. Frightened of letting himself fall, cause there was the possibility, that no one would be there to catch him.
Who had dared to hurt him? Who would be able to hurt this lovable creature? Angelus definitely had played a big part in Spikes need to shield himself. Maybe Drusilla, who didn't hesitate a second about trading Spike's love against Angelus' domination, when he came back. I don't know, how his stalking actions with Buffy ended, but I somehow I bet they hadn't turned out in a positive way. And God knows, what he went through, when he was still human.
'Don't!'
I focused, looking at him questioningly.
'Don't look at me like that.' Spikes features were somewhere near anger, but then he turned his head down and mumbled sadly 'Don't pity me.'
I didn't know, if he was talking about me, looking at his body or about me, thinking of his past. I don't think, that he has a clue about just how gorgeous he looks, so I think it must be the second one. It didn't matter. I understood, how much courage he must have brought up, to make the first move, to dance with me and later to kiss me. I understood, that from now on, I had to take the lead. That I had to show him, that I wanted this. Him.
I caressed his cheek. He didn't flinch this time. I tilted his chin up, so he had to face me and shook my head lightly. I didn't pity him, and he understood. Then I kissed him. It was different this time. The need, the passion I felt before was still there, but not as strong. His desire to make me want him was gone. He knew he didn't need to prove, that he was worthy. Worth being loved. He didn't need to prove it to me, but I had to prove it to him. He was the one who needed to be convinced.
I led him to the bed and he sat down. In one movement I took my shirt off and joined him. As I pinned him down on the bed I felt the passion breaking through. I saw the hint of yellow in Spike's eyes and knew, he felt the same.
I tugged at his jeans as he leaned down to work on mine.
Our heads crashed together and we both jerked back.
He didn't just feel the pain of being hit but also of hurting me. Stupid chip!
I immediately forgot the pain I felt and moved over to him.
Spike lay flat on his back, panting and rubbing his temples.
I took his hands in mine and kissed them. Then his forehead. I moved down to his left temple and kissed it, my tongue flicked over his earlobe and I whispered between kisses: 'M'sorry.' Then I moved to his right side and kissed his temple. Another flick over his right ear. 'I'll kiss it better'.
He had started purring again by then and I took it as a sign, that the pain was gone. I looked at him and smiled. He still lay on his back but he didn't pant anymore. His lips were twisted into a confident smile. An expression one hardly ever saw on Spike.
And not only his lips smiled confidently. His whole body expressed the feeling.*
Xander smiled absently, as he pictured Spike in his mind. He hadn't loved Spike. Not yet. Not then. It had been too early. But right now, at this moment he could have loved him. He sat down on the bed and played with the clean covers. He'd had to change them yesterday. Couldn't stand looking at them anymore. All used and wrinkled. Now he wished, he hadn't changed them.
*'Me first'.
Spike opened his eyes, searching for a reason why I had stopped the kissing and caressing and disturbed his purring, that had filled the room. I glanced at his jeans and the clearly visible erection, half covered by the open jeans…not. I smiled up at him.
'I move first and you lie still. I don't want to hurt you again.'
Spike wanted to say something, but was somehow distracted. Maybe because I had started to blow my hot breath over his thighs and his cock.
He, for his part, started to make those tiny sounds he would surely deny were whimpers. He probably didn't even realize he was whimpering. It was so cute. But I was a little bit disturbed, as well. I was just fascinated by his cock, but at the same time I was afraid. I had never done *that thing* before and I was almost sure, I would suck.
I couldn't help but start to chuckle. As I glanced up at Spike I felt so sorry, but I couldn't stop chuckling because of my stupid pun.
And there he was again, 'insecure-hurt-Spike'. I could feel how he started to withdraw himself from me, spiritually and physically, and grabbed his hips to stop, at least, one of both. I crawled up his body and made sure to kiss every inch of the pale skin while I passed it. I could feel him relax but he was still tense, still didn't know, what I had been chuckling about, lying between his legs. I had to admit, that this could give away a very wrong impression. When I reached his nipples I took my time kissing them, I bit one gently and rolled my tongue around it. I didn't want to move on, but I knew I had to fix something. I pushed myself up a little bit more until I was face to face with him, my body covering his entirely.
His expression changed from angry to ecstatic as I rearranged our bodies, so that our cocks lay next to each other without getting crushed… too much. When I stopped moving he switched back to angry and confused.
'What was the chuckle about?'
He surely wanted it to sound angry and I could feel him covering up again, as he added 'whelp'.
But I knew, that it was just an act. I kissed him, and as he started to protest and tried to jerk away I took his face in both hands and deepened the kiss. As I lifted my face a few inched I felt his cold breath on my lips and smiled about the unneeded action. It made everything more… real.
'Wasn't about you.' I whispered, eyes still closed, lips out of reach but close enough to feel my breath with each word. I opened my eyes. Knew, it was important to let him know. To let him in.
'I have never done this … before.' I coughed, even blushed a little bit, I think.
'I've never been with another man before. And I thought, that I would surely suck at this'
I moved my head a bit, indicating the whole scene. I smiled as he frowned.
'And then I thought, that if I suck, I should maybe start with this' and this time I glanced between our bodies and wriggled my hip. He took another sharp, needless breath and the corner of his lips twitched before he smiled widely and even chuckled a bit.
'Well, how about this? You start sucking and I'll tell you, if you suck. And if you do, we can still go and watch some telly.' He grinned and leered at me.
This was Spike. Blunt and arrogant. But this time it wasn't a cover. This time he felt comfortable enough to overcome his covering, to overcome his insecurity, to just do, what he felt like doing.
And so did I. I did, what I thought would make him feel good. I moved back to the nipple I had left unsatisfied earlier and started to nibble again, while I moved one hand around his neck and the other down his body. I tickled his abs like I had wanted for so long, and yes he was ticklish. I made the Big Bad giggle. I admit, I didn't think about the consequences of tickling a vampire, until I ended up on my back, my hands pinned down over my head, my hips straddled by 140 pounds pure sex.
Complaining? Me? Not a lick!
Come to talk about licking…
'S'not bloody fair!' Huh? 'Huh?' I looked up to see Spike, glancing down at my, still jeans-clad body. Oh! I grinned.
'Maybe you should do something about that.' I commented, motionless.
His eyes sparkled evilly as he left my hands, grabbed down and tore my jeans apart with one fast movement. Hey!
'Hey! I happen to like those jeans!'
He grinned this 'I'm evil and you now you love it'-grin of his and moved down my body, licking every inch on his way downwards and mumbled: 'I bet you'll like that much more.'
And how I did!
I felt the wet sensation on the tip of my cock and started to moan and writhe helplessly, before my mind really caught on what he was doing. As it did I moaned and writhed even more. Spike sucked and nibbled, licked and swallowed and I thanked all Gods who had insisted on inventing vampires as being non-breathing creatures.
I felt the urge to move faster, harder into that cool mouth and at the same time I wanted to withdraw because I didn't want it to be over that fast.
"Spike…" I tried. Speaking becomes very difficult if there is no blood in your brain. Nonetheless I started to think if brain cells could die of lack of blood. To be honest, I didn't care.
"Spike…" I tried again, and this time I surely would have managed to say more, if he hadn't started to scratch his teeth along the underside of my over-hard erection. I gasped for air and nuzzled my hands, who had been clinching the sheets, into his peroxide blond hair.
My next thoughts were very basic. Messy hair. Bed hair. Very sexy.
"Spike, stop it!" Oh look, a sentence. Not a long one, but still a sentence.
I didn't really see Spike moving but all of a sudden we were nose to nose again and he was kissing and licking my face all over.
'I didn't hurt you, did I? I didn't feel anything, The chip didn't… I didn't want… did I hurt you?'
I shushed him with a kiss.
' I just don't want it to be over already.'
He smiled in relief and I kissed him again.
'I want to…'*
Xander laid down on his bed and could feel himself blushing. He had blushed that night and even now he did. He hadn't known how to explain the sudden urge he had to feel Spike close… closer than they already were. He turned around and was now lying with his face on the white, clean, odorless pillow. He didn't want to. He wanted to keep his hands where they were, but he felt himself leaning over, grabbing around the cupboard and pulling the duster onto the bed, He kicked the pillow away and nuzzled his face into the soft leather. He knew, he shouldn't do it, but he couldn't help it.
*'I want to… I want… more'
I blushed helplessly. Yeah, I'm the one who takes the lead. Good plan.
Spike looked at me and I forced myself not to look away. He searched my face for… displeasure? Maybe.
'You sure?'
I nodded. He kept looking.
'But you said, you've never…' 'I'm sure.'
This time he nodded, then kissed me again. Our little interruption had given me time to recover so that I didn't come on the spot, as I felt Spikes hand moving over my backside and a cold finger between my cheeks.
'Do you have any lubrication?'
I shook my head and he smiled, as he saw my depressed shrug.
'We can work around that.' He grinned, but rapidly got serious again.
'You do me then. I'm used to take it rough.'
Angelus-complex again.
'I don't want that.'
I kissed his cheekbone and licked his soft skin. He frowned.
'You don't want to… do me?'
I rolled my eyes and moved over, to kiss and lick the frown.
'I don't want it rough.'
He frowned again and I was occupied with kissing the skin smooth again.
I didn't know if he was wondering about me, caring about him, or if he was wondering how he could make me not care, so he could get laid.
Than he smiled again, kissed the tip of my nose, and was out of the bedroom before I could blink.
'Hey..' where's my frown?
Did he want to go shopping now? Or did he just want to get out? Or did he go and watch telly, like he had threatened?
'That will work.' I heard him in the kitchen and then I heard the tapping of his naked feet coming back. And then he was standing naked in my doorframe. Quite the sight.
'Use this.'
Use what? I saw, that he was holding a bottle. I hadn't seen it instantly. I mean, what would you look at? Naked Spike or a bottle of… oil? Oh… Oh!*
Xander had turned around and looked at the doorframe He smiled until he saw the scratch. He didn't want to think about that. Not now. He could think of it later. So he turned back and buried his face into the duster again.
*He poured some of the oil on my cock and I flinched under the wet, cold liquid rapidly warmed by Spikes hands. Then he put some more oil on his hand and I watched in amazement as he prepared himself, I saw his slender fingers disappear in his own body and to my own astonishment I became even harder.
He sniffed and smiled a cocky smile. Damn! I knew he could smell… those things.
He pulled me closer and turned around, spooning our bodies together.
'Isn't it possible…'
Spike turned around and oh look, there's my frown again.
I blushed. Seemed to become a habit.
'I want to see you.'
'Going to be more complicated, but we can do that.' And then he smiled even more cockily 'I understand that. I mean, who wouldn't want to see me.'
I didn't know if I should laugh or be angry after that statement.
I was honest and had embarrassed myself and he made jokes.
But then I saw the flickering spark in his eyes, the happy smile on his lips and I knew, that he had wanted the same, but hadn't dared to ask.
I settled for slapping him angrily and kissing him while laughing contently.
He pulled me on top of him and I let him take over for me. He arranged me between his legs. He bent his knees and positioned my cock. When he nodded I lowered my body, slowly.
We both moaned.
This was… different.
Tight and cold. Spikes rearranged himself and clenched his muscles around my cock. Oh my God! This was heaven. Corny, I know, but true.
'I wanted to say the same.'
I wasn't quite sure which part of my babbling I had said out loud, but Spike seemed happy, so I didn't argue.
'Move' he said, rolling his hips.
I picked up a slow pace. Wanted to make it good for him. Wanted to make this feeling last. As I hit a certain spot he screamed my name. I never thought that hearing my name could turn me on that much, but it did, so I made sure to hit this spot, which I thought must be his prostate, with every stroke.
'Do that again, Xan. Please. Keep that up, pet.'
Xan? Pet?
I'd thought hearing him scream my name would make me horny, but hearing him calling me nicknames in a husky whisper was even better. I was so close and I wanted him to come with me. I moved faster, harder and as I felt that I wouldn't last much longer I leaned further down and started to kiss Spikes neck. His cock was trapped between our bodies and his babbling and panting increased.
As I felt my own climax I did something, that I hadn't planed, but it had just overcome me. I bit down on his neck.
As my warm seed spilled inside his cold body I felt a few cold drops on my lips.
Spike screamed my name and I felt him coming, spilling cool liquid all over mine and his chest.
I collapsed bonelessly on top of him and nuzzled my face into his neck.
We both panted and I smelled… something. I felt the wet sensation on my lips again and managed to open my eyes.
Red… Blood! Oh my God! I struggled to get away. I panicked and nearly fell off the bed. Spike caught me and pulled me close again.
'What?'
'I…I… I bit you. God I'm so sorry, I didn't… That was…'
'That was a bloody fantastic shag!' He smiled
'Huh?'
He snuggled closer to me until I was lying half on top of him, half beside him. He chuckled.
'Don't tell me, you didn't like it.'
Of course I had liked it, but I had hurt him.
'I bit you!' I insisted.
He chuckled some more, kissed my face and said smiling. 'And I loved it. Very brute. Keep that up.'
He liked it? Oh well, he is a vampire after all. I guess biting is a big turn-on for him.
I still wasn't too sure about the whole thing but I settled for just enjoying my post-climax sleep, kissed his already healing wound and nuzzled my face into his neck. I pushed his leg apart and twisted my leg around his, pulling myself as close as possible to his body.
He smelled like leather and menthol… and me. And I liked that.
'You up for another round then?'
Yeah, sure…
'Give me five minutes' I muttered, half asleep.
He chuckled and I prepared myself for falling asleep on his chest. 'You're an awful pillow. You're supposed to lay still.'
'And you have no stamina. Bloody fragile human.'
Exchanging insults? I'm good at that. I can do that even while I'm asleep.
'Bloody horny vampire.' I answered. He chuckled. Ok, not much of an insult I guess. I can do better than that. I yawned and tried again, already drifting off to sleep.
'Bloody beautiful vampire.'
I could hear him chuckle, without moving his chest this time. Than he leaned down and kissed my forehead.
Who said, you shouldn't talk half unconsciously after mind-blowing sex, cause you mostly don't have enough brain not to admit honestly, what you think? I didn't really care, cause I was already floating in a dream involving leather and menthol and Spike and me.*
Xander took a deep breath, inhaling every scent still left in the duster. He didn't want to think further. He wanted to stop there. Where everything was fine. He wanted to stay in this dreambubble as long as possible, but he couldn't.//You were always brilliant in the morning//
//Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee//*As I woke up I felt a heavy weight on my chest and I grasped for air. I peered at the thing that was preventing me from breathing. The 'thing' turned out to be an incredible good-looking, blue eyed, horny vampire, his chin propped up on my chest, his erection mercilessly digging into my thigh.
And may I add 'bed hair, sticking out into every direction'?
It was comfortable, it was cozy, it was perfect.
'Morning, luv.' He stretched and pecked a kiss on my lips.
I knew I should go and have a shower. I glanced at the alarm-clock which had already rang twice and knew I would be late for work. He followed my look and rolled off me.
'Work, huh? I won't hold you up'
He snuggled into a ball and I once again thought of him as a too big kitten. I imagined him purring and kneading the mattress. I decided that work could wait.
Time had no meaning anymore. At least, not for the next thirty minutes. I rediscovered his mouth, he rediscovered my body and we both rediscovered the useful bottle of oil lying on the floor.
Separated, individual bodies seemed to have no meaning either.
Yesterday it was about need and want. About fear and reassurance. This time it was just about emotions. Somewhere deep within maybe love. Whatever it was, it was wonderful. At times I couldn't really tell, where I ended and he started. There was only happiness, pleasure, sensation and slow, tender, living movements.As I stood under the shower I hated myself for going away and leaving him here, alone, stuck for the rest of the day, but I had to go. He understood it, but damn it was hard to resist the need to just creep back under the covers to him, as I kissed him goodbye.
He watched me going out of the bedroom.
'Till tonight?' he shouted. I wasn't sure, if it was a question or just a statement, so I reassured him again, just in case.
I opened the door and wanted to leave, as I remembered that my lunch was still lying in the kitchen.
I closed the door again and went back.
I heard Spike turn over in bed and smiled. I imagined him seeking the warm spot I had left. He had done that, as I went to the shower and it had just been so cute. I smiled again, as I heard him mumbling to himself and then he whispered: 'love you, Xan.'
I froze on the spot and dropped the lunch that I had been holding. I could hear him sitting up in bed and then the apartment was silent. He had probably thought I was already gone, and now we were both listening for the other to make a sound or a move.
Something to prove, that this was real. Or not. I didn't know, which one he wanted. I didn't even know, which one I wanted.
I heard the mattress shift and grabbed my lunch. I headed for the door but his voice stopped me.
'I thought you were gone.'
I didn't turn around. Didn't want to face him.
'I just forgot my lunch. I'll go now. I really have to go to work…'
Liar! Of course it wouldn't have mattered if I had stayed another hour. I was already late and I would have to apologize anyway but I didn't want to talk that through. Not now. I needed to think about it. I really needed time.
After Spike didn't say anything for another minute I turned around.
He wasn't there anymore. He had gone back into the bedroom I think.
I know I should have followed him, but I didn't. I opened the door again and went to work.*
Xander sighed, rolled onto his back and concentrated on the ceiling. His view was blurry because of the tears that were rolling down his face but there wasn't much to see anyway.
*Yeah. I chickened out. I admit it. But I really wasn't prepared for that. I needed the time at work to think about this new situation. Spike loved me. Every time I thought that my knees gave in and my insides turned to happy goo. Yes, it made me happy. *He* made me happy. But was I ready for this? For a serious 'I feed you blood so you don't feed from me'-vampire relationship? After the third time I had hit my thumb with my hammer cause I was imagining myself and Spike growing old together, I had decided, that I was.
Of course, Spike and I would never grow old together. Or, at least, Spike wouldn't. But at the moment this didn't bother me. There was plenty of time to worry about that. Now I was just happy.
By the time I got home I was only thinking about having a shower, screwing my vampire through the mattress and taking off my dirty work cloths. Not particularly in that order.
I was happy and I cheered a loud 'Honey, I'm home' into the room, as I opened the door.
Silence.
I wandered into the bedroom. The covers were still messy like this morning, but the vampire who should be filling the empty space was gone.
I didn't hear the shower and there was no one in the kitchen. I wanted to go and check the other rooms, but I remembered, that there weren't any other rooms. I was alone in my apartment.
'Maybe he just went out to buy some blood?'
I decided to do the same. Not buy some blood but eat something.
As I passed the kitchen table I saw the note.
'See! He even cared enough to leave me a message.'
I grabbed the paper, read it and crushed on the chair. My luck, that there had been one.
I looked at the note.
'I'm sorry' was everything written on it.
I took a deep breath and swallowed. I remembered my earlier thoughts. 'Maybe it's just a game.'
I shook my head, didn't want to believe it. The heat, the desire… it had been there. No one can act *that* good. Maybe he was sorry for something else. For going before I was back. Maybe he had to go. Maybe Buffy had called for patrol… and found *him* in my apartment? Yeah, sure. I wandered up and down in my kitchen, turning the note nervously around in my fingers.//These foolish games are tearing me apart//
//And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart//I decided, that I needed something to drink so I headed to the fridge and grabbed the first thing that came into reach. Old milk already turned sour. Distraction, good. I went to the sink and poured the white sticky liquid out and tried to concentrate on nothing. As I opened the trashcan I saw the crumbled sheets of paper, stuffed down deep under other garbage. I pulled them out and sat down on the table again. Each one was written in Spike's handwriting and not one of them was really finished. It seemed like he had exercised a lot, before he had found the right words.
'Xan, I just…'
'Xander, look, I just wanted…'
Seemed like he had problems with salutation, I thought bitterly. There was even one that started with 'Dear'.
I took the next one, unfolded and straightened it.
'I didn't mean, what I said…'
That hit me. Well, I had known, hadn't I? Shouldn't hurt that much, should it?*
Xander remained lying on the bed. He didn't know anymore, how often he had replayed all this in his mind. How often he had felt the contraction in his chest, when he came to that point. He knew his part in this play very well, and like a good actor, he didn't stop in the middle of a play. He went on, and on. And when it was over, he started all over again.
*After I had torn the notes into tiny little bits I recovered enough to see clearly through this. Well, clear enough to find my way to my bedroom, change the sheets, stuff them under my other undone laundry and to shake myself asleep in the new covered, Spike-scent free bed. Clear enough to not wake up with every sound I heard from outside, hoping, that Spike was there. Clear enough to not pace from my bedroom to the kitchen into the bathroom and back to the kitchen, where I definitely didn't take the pieces out of the garbage and didn't put them into the drawer of my cupboard. And definitely clear enough, to not wrap the duster around my shaking body, to finally fall into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.//You were always brilliant in the morning//
I turned around in the warmth, which covered me. I didn't want to wake up. Not yet.
I snuggled into the blanket that covered me and sighed. Warm… warm? I frowned and peered my eyes open. The duster was wrapped around my body, over my back and under my head.
The memory came back, crushing me, and I struggled out of the duster. I just wanted to get rid of the damn thing. For real? I wanted to get rid of the memory.
How did I want to do that? Well, first thing, getting rid of everything that reminded me of… that reminded me. That's why I didn't take the pieces out of the drawer and put the duster on top of them instead.
Second thing? Distraction. That's why I called my boss at work, and told him, that I was sick. Then I spent the whole day in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, thinking or dreaming about the night with Spike.
Yeah, I'm very good in following plans.*
Xander turned around to face the doorframe. He always did, when he came to that point of the story. Was it a comedy or a drama? Was he the clown or the suffering hero? Or just a moron?
*I was laying on my bed, fully clad, eyes closed. I'd just imagined Spike, coming back from the kitchen, when I turned around only to see him, standing in the doorframe. Fully clad. I rethought that part, and came to the decision, that he clearly hadn't been wearing clothes as when he had come back from the kitchen. I blinked, to interrupt the play, but he was still there. I decided, that he must be real.//You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say//
//Beside some comment on the weather//'Came for your duster then? It's surely cold outside' My voice sounded hard.
Sad, but unmerciful.
I hadn't noticed, that nightfall had come. Hadn't noticed that someone had entered my apartment. I hadn't noticed much in the last 24 hours, to be honest.
The non-dream Spike shook his head, while my dream Spike came walking towards me, naked, with a bottle of oil in his hand. I glanced at the floor, where the bottle had been lying since… the bottle wasn't there. Oh right, we used it again in the morning. I glanced at the nightstand and back at Spike. He had followed my look and blushed.//These foolish games are tearing me apart//
'You up for another round then?'
I never thought I could sound so damn unfriendly and sarcastic.
He blushed even more and shook his head again. I sat straight up, and leaned against the headboard.//Well in case you failed to notice//
//Well in case you failed to see//He approached me, but stopped, as I hissed. 'Get out.'
He stopped, but didn't turn away. He just looked at me. Pinned me down with this sparkling blue eyes and I nearly didn't care what he had done anymore. I nearly didn't remember, that I hated him anymore. Gladly he remembered me.
'This morning… what I said back then…I meant it."//These foolish games are tearing me apart//
I looked down, watched my hands clinching my thighs. I blinked furiously. Not going to cry was the only thing I was able to think at that moment. I just wanted him gone. I wanted him far away from me. I wanted to pin him down and kiss him to unconsciousness.*
Xander closed his eyes, blinked away the tears, like he always did, when he did it in his memory. He felt his hands tighten around the sheets instead of his thighs, but that didn't matter. Actors freedom, right?
*'Get out.' I hissed again.//Well in case you failed to notice//
//Well in case you failed to see//He made another attempt to approach the bed. I raised my gaze from my hands and focused on him. He stopped. Even backed away a little bit.
'I need to talk to you. I need to explain it.'
'Get the hell out of my apartment.'
I'm sure he wouldn't have been so shocked, if I had screamed and yelled at him, but I hadn't. I was controlled. I knew damn well, what I did. I didn't plan on losing my temper. That would mean, that I cared, right? And I didn't.
'Xan…'
No, I didn't care. I wouldn't fall for that. Not again.
'Xan, I *do* love..' 'Don't dare saying it!' I yelled.//This is my heart bleeding before you//
//this is me down on my knees//Yes, I yelled. I yelled at him, I looked up, I lost my temper, I threw a book at him, as I screamed: 'Get the hell out of my apartment or I'll stake you myself. And if I can't take you, I know a bunch of others who can. Get out. Get out of my apartment!'
He flinched as I started yelling. He backed away as I threw the book and hit the doorframe. He sobbed, as I whispered 'Get out of my life.'
Then he was gone and I broke down on the bed again and shed tears over a vampire I didn't care for.*
Xander got up from the bed, dried his eyes and glanced at the alarm clock beside his bed. He never realized how much time passed while he was... rolling in self-pity.
It was still dark outside, though. And Spike… Spike was still standing there. It seemed like he hadn't moved. His head was tilted upwards and if it wouldn't have been so dark Xander probably would have seen his face. His eyes searching for a movement behind the window.
*I didn't know, how I got through the night. I was waiting even more for any sound from the outside. Not sure, if I was waiting expectantly or frightened, but I was waiting. I finally fell asleep, once again wrapped in the duster I hated so much, in the scent of cigarettes and menthol I didn't want to smell anymore. Dawn came and I woke up, paced again, called in sick for another day, rolled in self-pity some more. Dusk came, and there he was again. Didn't dare to come up this time. Just waited there.*
And here Xander was. Still standing beside the window. Still looking down on Spike.//These foolish games are tearing me apart//
Xander started to trace patterns over the window again. Up and down. Up and down. From a certain angle it would have looked like he caressed the blond vampire down on the street.
He decided that it couldn't go on like this.
He grabbed the duster slipped into his shoes and was out of the door before he could rethink his actions.
Spike saw him immediately, as he opened the front door of the house. He tried to sense, what he had to expect, but he was drenched, nearly frozen and the rain made it impossible to smell anything.
Xander made it easy for him. He walked down the stairs, head upright, but his movements were too fast and jerky.
He shoved the duster at Spikes chest and glanced at him. Spike grabbed it, before it could fall down, put didn't put it on, didn't look at it, just focused on the brunettes face.
'Now go.'
He shook his head like he had done the other night. At least, there were no books around this time.//you were always the mysterious one//
"I don't get it! I just don't get it." Xander shook his head and looked down at his shoes. He stood in a puddle of water, but then again, there was no dry spot out here, and his clothes had started to absorb most of it.
Spike didn't say anything. He just waited. Water dripped down his nose, his chin and his earlobe.
*It's easy to pretend, that the wetness on his face is just rain. Like on mine.*
"Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?" Spike asked honestly.
Xander shook his head again, desperately this time.
"This! Coming back here. Playing your stupid game. Tearing me apart with just one look."
He raised his head. Blue eyes met brown ones.
*It's just rain, right? It's not, like I'd care*
"I have been dumped before. I'm used to it. To be honest, I know nothing else! Why can't you just tell me, that you don't want me, and move on? Torture someone else."
Spike took an unneeded breath and moved towards Xander. Before he had even noticed it Spike had grabbed his shoulders and his face was only inches away. The duster lay somewhere between them in a puddle of rain and mud.//You'd teach me of honest things//
//Things that were daring, things that were clean//Spike's voice was frightening calm as he said: "Just in case you don't remember. *You* left after I told you, that I love you."
Xander flinched at the memory. Yes, he had panicked, but that wasn't an excuse. After all, it had just been a game for Spike, right? It hadn't been real. He opened his mouth to say something, but remained silent under Spikes look.
"You showed me, that I wasn't worth being loved. You didn't even want to look at me, after I told you!"//Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean//
*Just rain, salty rain, but just rain*
"I thought about it. Long time. I sat in your bed, crawled up in the warmth, that wasn't there anymore, cause I didn't deserve it. I wandered through the apartment, thought of a speech. Wanted to make it easy for you. I didn't want to see you lying, that you felt something for me. But I couldn't. I hadn't been able to face you, so I left."//So I hid my soiled hands behind my back//
"I wanted to make it easy for you. Wanted to write the note. Wanted to tell you, that I hadn't meant, what I had said, so you could move on without a bad conscience, without a dark spot on your white hat. But I couldn't. I couldn't lie to you. Not even through the paper. So I didn't lie. I am sorry. Sorry to give you the chance to make me feel. Sorry for being such a pathetic lovesick puppy. Sorry for…"
He shook his head, water and tears dropped to the ground even faster.//Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else//
//Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself//"I wanted to move on. I wanted to leave you be. But I couldn't. I had to come back last night, had to see you. Had to talk to you. I didn't think you would care so much to throw a book at me. You know, you keep surprising me."
Spike chuckled, but it ended in a sob. Then he let Xanders shoulders go, and turned away. He didn't go, though. He just stood there for a moment, till he could control his sobs. Then he spoke again.
"Not even now. Not even now I can walk away and let you go."
Xander swallowed once, twice. He tried to focus on something. Tried to understand. Tried to keep up with all the things that rushed through his mind.
*I've scared him away. I made him feel like crap. The only thing I tried all night was showing him, that he was worthy, and everything I did was make him feel like dirt.*
"Maybe you're right."
Spike raised his head a bit, but didn't turn around. But he listened, Xander knew.
"Maybe you should move on." He saw the blonds shoulders falling down, but he still didn't walk away, neither did he turn around.
"But you shouldn't be sorry for falling in love."
Spike snorted and his shoulders trembled, but Xander continued.
"Don't be sorry for falling in love. The only thing you should feel sorry for is, that you picked me."
Spike tilted his head sideward, enough, to see the boys face.
"You know, if you're pathetic I don't want to know, what you would call me. On the morning you told me, that you loved me I ran away. I was scared. Scared of my feelings. Scared of being hurt. I was scared of you."
Spike turned around completely and frowned but didn't say anything.
Xander glanced down at the duster, picked it up and started to play with an edge of the collar, but then he looked into those blue eyes again and he knew, this was important. He knew, he already ruined too much, and if there was a chance to fix it, he would try.
"I was scared of what I saw in your eyes this morning. So many feeling, so much love. You were willing to let me in. You're a soulless creature…" Spike flinched under the words, but Xander had to say it, had to say exactly, what he thought. He just had to make it clear.
"You're a soulless creature and you feel so much more, than I ever could. Than I ever thought I was able to, until that night. I wanted to protect you. You were so vulnerable and I let the guard I had built around me fall down, pretending it was yours to let you in. To show you that you're loved."
Spike blinked. He couldn't have got that right, could he?
Xander smiled sadly. "I love you." He shook his head. "I really do. And the only way I know to prove it is, to let you go. Because it's not you, who's not worthy. It's me."
He licked his lips and tasted the salty tears that were running down his cheeks. Yeah, he admitted it. He did care.
He shoved the duster in Spikes hands. Gentle this time and smiled. An honest smile. Sad, but honest. Then he turned around and walked back to the front door.
He didn't hear the movement behind him. The rain around him and his own sobs were everything he could hear.
He didn't see him coming, cause his view was blurry from the rain and tears. Didn't see him, until he got turned around again.
He lost his balance and found himself pinned down on the ground, 140 pounds blond vampire pure on top of him. He didn't feel the pain as his head crashed down on the ground. Neither did Spike. He didn't feel the cold as his hair sucked up the water from the puddle beneath him, as Spike kissed him, hard and needy.
As he pulled away again they were both panting.
"Don't you ever, ever walk away from me!"
Xander couldn't tell, if it was a question or an order, and he didn't care. Before he could answer Spike had pinned him down for another kiss. Gentler this time, but with the same need within.
After five more minutes Spike pulled away again and smiled at the brunette beneath him.
"Maybe we should go inside."
He nodded, and grinned. "Maybe we should." Then he pulled the blond down for another kiss. As they parted he whispered onto his lips "I love you."
Xander opened his eyes and looked into those sparkling baby blues. "I love you", he repeated and smiled happily. Spike stood up and pulled Xander with him. He remembered the duster that lay on the ground behind them and picked it up. He came back to Xander, who was shaking this time, draped the duster over his shoulder and pulled him close. "Love you, too."
Of course, the drenched duster didn't really help Xander, but who was he, to complain?
He tugged the blond closer, put the duster over both of their backs and snuggled closer to him. Then they walked the few meters back to the house.//Your took your coat off and stood in the rain//
//You were always crazy like that//
~Fin~
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