Hello & Goodbye Again

By Fiatlux

Buffy stood at the edge of the pier, staring out at the ocean. At one time the sound of the waves would have provided a calming background for dealing with whatever problem was at hand. Now, their continuous crashing on the shore sounded to her like the endless beat of a bass drum in a funeral procession, leading nowhere but the grave. She could easily imagine hearing the drone of bagpipes float on the wind. Even more eerie, she almost wished she were back in her grave. Not that she exactly wanted to die again, but what she found after death was a lot more appealing than what her life had to offer: the horror and violence brought about by her calling, a never-ending stack of bills, and an house full of people who she loved and yet had to lie to day after day.

She closed her eyes and cleared such negative thoughts from her mind. She would deal with them later. This meeting was her chance, perhaps her only chance, to find some peace. She had only spoken to Angel on the phone for two minutes, but his voice was one of the few things that didn’t remind her of what she had lost. She knew she had to see him. Alone. Malibu was as good a meeting place as any. It was far enough away from Sunnydale and L.A. that they wouldn’t be disturbed by well-meaning friends or not-so-well-meaning demons. In fact, the only suspicious activity in the area seemed to be college pranks pulled off by the students at Pepperdine. Hardly something to warrant a slayer’s attention.

Buffy looked at her watch and sighed. Only another 15 minutes to wait, she thought as she turned her questionable attention back to the ocean.

As Angel swung his convertible into a space in the almost deserted parking lot, he felt a small surge of gratitude that he was not alive. If his heart had been beating, it would probably have burst from the anxiety he was feeling. Buffy was alive, and he was going to see her. For real. Four months of agony, first over her death and then over his seemingly easy acceptance of her death, could finally end.

And yet, he had been nervous about their meeting ever since they had talked on the phone. Her voice was normally so expressive –– sparkling when she was happy, full of steel when she was furious, almost child-like when she was sad. This time when he talked to her on the phone, she sounded like she was still dead. There was no inflection in her voice, nothing to hint at her feelings. Maybe the trauma of returning was too much for her.

Relax, he told himself. We only talked for a couple of minutes, and you know how much she has been through. What did you expect from her, a Shakespearean performance? Give her a break; she must be exhausted.

His gaze stopped at the end of the pier. Even though her back was to him and she was wearing a tan coat and dark hat that obscured her features, he knew it was her. Leaning over the railing, staring out at the sea, she was the most beautiful thing he had ever set eyes on. Ok, it’s now or never. And never just isn’t an option. He squared his shoulders and walked soundlessly to the end of the pier, stopping about ten feet away from her.

“Buffy.”

Buffy spun around with a start, hand reaching for the stake he knew she kept in the inner pocket of her coat.

Her hand relaxed and fell back to her side when she saw that it wasn’t an attack. “Oh, Angel! I didn’t hear you.”

“Um, yeah. I’ve been told that I have a tendency to sneak up on people. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

The two did not move any closer to each other, but didn’t back further away either. It was as if they had been rooted to their places on the pier by an unseen force. It was like a dream where all they could do was stand there and stare at each other. Both had been looking forward to this moment, but neither was sure what to do with it now that it was theirs.

“So…….” Angel temporized, looking for an opening.

“Before you can ask, yes, I’m fine.” She smiled a mirthless smile at his raised eyebrow. “I’ve been asked that question more times than I can count since I came back.”

“Actually, as stupid as it sounds, I was going to ask if it was really you. I almost didn’t let myself believe that Willow’s call was real, that she actually brought you back…… but she did. And you seem to be dealing with the transition better than I could have ever imagined. You seem so…… normal; I really didn’t know what to expect. I mean…… I know I wasn’t exactly the best of company when I first came back. But I suppose that that could be because I was never actually dead. Or that I was dead already. Or……”” Angel finally realized that he was rambling and shook his head. “Sorry.”

Buffy finally broke her silence. “No, it’s ok. It’’s kind of nice having someone act normally around me.”

“Are people not acting normal around you?”

“Well, no. I mean, they are, but they are all so worried with how I’m doing and if I need anything that those are pretty much the only things we talk about.”

“I’m sure they’re all just worried about you and so happy to have you back that they don’’t want to lose you again.” Angel frowned at the shadow of pain that seemed to cross her face. “Look Buffy, this is me you are talking to. How are you doing? Seriously.”

She sighed. “From what you told me when you came back from that hell dimension, I think you had the easier reentry. The spell Willow used to bring me back was powerful…… VERY powerful. And she’s obviously pretty powerful herself to be able to pull it off. The only catch was that I ‘‘woke up’’ in my coffin.”

Buffy closed her eyes at the memory. “I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, and all I knew was that I had to get out. And when I did, and all I saw around me was fire and demons and destruction. At first I couldn’t tell I was in Sunnydale…… I don’t know how I could have mistaken it for anywhere else, I mean with the demon attack and all……” She sighed. “I guess I’m still a bit in shock, which everyone tells me is normal. Well, they do when they aren’t asking if I’m ok that is.”

“Buffy……” Angel whispered before closing the gap between them and finally enveloping her in his arms, cradling her head against his chest. The horror of finding oneself buried alive was not lost upon him. Like most vampires, that was how he “awoke,” and his souled self wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. Especially not this woman who he once loved more than existence itself.

But he wouldn’t allow himself to dwell on such gloomy thoughts. He was holding her again, something he wouldn’t let himself even dare to dream about in his deepest brooding. Buffy had died, and he had lived; that was the way of things when you are a vampire, but he didn’t want to accept that. Not with her. But now she was here, and the painful memories of the past summer were beginning to slip away. He could hardly think, he was so caught up in emotion. All he wanted to do was hold her and protect her from feeling that pain ever again.

“It’s over now. You’re here.” He gently whispered the phrases over and over again so softly that Buffy could hardly hear him.

Buffy closed her eyes and let herself relax into the embrace. In so many ways, this was home. This was where she had always felt safe, always felt sheltered, always felt the demands of her destiny fade just a bit. His arms held her tightly and his body molded to hers just as it always had, a perfect fit. Nothing had changed. There was even that familiar slight pressure in her stomach. Actually more like pushing against her stomach. Against? Her eyes flew open when she realized not only what the pressure was, but that she was enjoying feeling it.

Buffy quickly disentangled herself from Angel’s arms and took a few steps away, turning her back on him to stare out at the ocean. No no no no no, it can’t be. Everything has changed, but nothing is different. Him, me, us, Angelus…… It’s going to happen again. It can’t not happen. Every time we’re together, even just for a few minutes, the chance gets greater and greater. I can’t live through that again. I don’t think I’d even fight him if he came back. I’d just let him take me and escape this hell…… The waves’ funeral dirge seemed to crash louder in her ears.

Angel was a bit surprised when she pulled away so abruptly, but didn’t try to pull her back into the embrace. “Buffy, wha-”

“No, it’s not you. It’s me. I mean, it is you but……”” Buffy stopped and took a deep breath. And then another one. It took every ounce of willpower she possessed not to break into the sobs she could feel welling up in her throat. The irony was that her body still wanted him very badly, even while her mind rebelled against the desire. It was no use; she had to get away from him. Again.

“Angel, when I was …… gone …… it wasn’’t clear, but I do remember a feeling of …… certainty …… about some things. I…… I knew that you were going to be all right. That…… even though I was gone, you would find your way. I can’t explain it, but I was positive of it.” She turned to face him, her eyes shining.

“Now I’m back, and that feeling is gone. I just don’t know anymore. What if your redemption depends on me not being here? What if I’m standing in your way? What if because of me An…… Angelus……?” She voice gave way to the tears that she could no longer hold back and she sank to the ground.

Faster than even she could have imagined, Angel was crouched at her side, one hand tentatively stroking her back. As much as he wanted to take her in his arms again and whisper away her fears, he sensed that that would push her over the edge instead of comfort her.

“Shhhh…… Don’t talk like that. Our lives have been separate for a while now; we’ve both moved on.” Angel glanced out over the ocean, looking for the courage to continue. “We just aren’t as pivotal to each other’s futures anymore. I…… I wasn’t there to save you, but you still came back. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be there. Maybe it would have all happened the same if I had been there. I don’t know...”

“But…… I KNEW, Angel.” The words were barely intelligible between her sobs. “I was all right…… and you were all right. I can’t let him come back. I can’t face him again. I can’t- ”

“And you won’t have to. I do love you, Buffy, but I will not do anything that will put your life or the lives of any of the people I care about in jeopardy.” Not again, he added silently, thinking of his actions the previous spring. “You and I have both made it clear in the past that there is no ‘us,’ so there’s no reason to worry, is there?”

“But still, you……. I felt you……. your……” The sobs began to subside, but Buffy continued to stare and the wooden floor.

What is she talking about? My what? What could she have possibly felt from me that would make her this hysterical about Angelus? The realization hit him like a ton of bricks. Angel pulled his hand away from her back as if it had burned him.

“Yes, you did. And yes, I am.” He tried hard to keep his tone reasonable. “Look, I’m sorry, but I had thought I had lost you forever. Now you’re back in my arms, alive and well. How else do you expect me to react?” He stood up and began pacing back and forth a few feet in front of her.

“But we can’t. You…… me…… the curse……”

“Buffy,” Angel let out an exasperated breath of unneeded air. “I am NOT going to throw you down onto this pier and make love to you. And even if I did and even if you let me, I can assure you it wouldn’t lead to a moment of happiness. Not knowing how you feel right now.”

There was moment of silence. She finally looked him square in the eye. “How DO I feel? Please, tell me. I don’t think I know anymore.” Her voice was small, and almost regained the child-like quality she once had.

Angel blinked and regarded the young woman at his feet. He was a far cry from being any expert on feelings or the human condition, but he could tell that her question was somehow the key to her breakdown. He sat down on the rough wood next to her. “For once I can’t read you. You don’t seem angry or even sad. You’re not happy, that’s for sure.” He regarded her as she stared at a spot on the ground in front of her. Something was very not right. “Is there something going on that you’re not telling me?”

Buffy buried her face in her hands and rubbed her eyes. Angel was getting too close to the truth. If he figured out her secret, he wouldn’t just let it go. He’d demand that she deal with and confide in the others. He might even offer to come back to Sunnydale for moral support. And she couldn’t be around him anymore. She just couldn’t. The only way she could get him off her back was to push him away again, this time so hard that he wouldn’t try to come back for a long time, if ever. She took a deep breath and prayed that he wouldn’t see through her charade.

“Ya know, this is just like you. You just don’t get it, do you?” She turned to face him, face set in hard planes. “I already told you I’m still in shock. I was just looking for a little support here. I mean, it took you months after you came back before you were anything like normal again. Don’t I get the same courtesy? Or maybe it’s ok for you to be babied because you’re the one with the tortured soul. Me, I’m the hero; I can bounce back from anything. Is that it?”

“Buffy, you know that isn’t what I meant-”

“Oh really? Then what’s with the third degree?” She stood up. “Ya know, you were right. We HAVE gone our separate ways. You don’t know anything about me anymore.”

Angel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He got up and took a few steps away from her while he tried to sort out what she was saying. He didn’t know where the outburst came from, but she had hit home with a few of her choice words. He was still convinced that there was something else here, but all he could hear were her words: You don’t know anything about me anymore.

Maybe she is right. I didn’t know about Glory, didn’t know that Dawn was in so much danger. I don’t write. I don’t call. I’ve seen her, what, twice in the last year? Not exactly what you would call a close friend. But still, she was his love; maybe not the fabled ‘‘forever love and soulmate’’ of fairy tales, but someone he would always love nonetheless. He didn’t want to just let it go.

“Buffy, I just want-”

“It doesn’t matter, Angel. I don’t want you to.” She turned to face him, her face deadly blank. “Please leave.”

“You can’’t just tell me-”

“To leave? Yes, I can. You need to go. Now.”

The words were like a knife in his soul. He started to reach out his hand to her. “Buffy, please let me-”

“No! You’ve done enough. This isn’t going to work and we both know it. And it really is time for you to leave.”

Those words twisted the knife deeper. Angel knew it was no use; whatever demons Buffy was facing, she had just made it clear that she didn’t want his help. His arm dropped to his side. “I guess it is.” He turned and started towards his car, only to stop after a few steps.

“Be happy Buffy.” He said softly and walked away.

Buffy watched Angel get into his car and drive onto the main road. Then she turned back to the ocean, the waves again crashing in her ears. Angel was gone, and soon she would have to head back to Sunnydale. Tonight would be just another secret for her to keep. There would be no more tears, no more sobbing.

There wouldn’t need to be.

Contrary to what she told Angel, she knew exactly what she was feeling––nothing.

~Fin~

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