Dante's ViewBy Buddy
Flashbacks are in italics.
Lindsey’s head starts to hurt and the glare of the sun twangs a nerve just north of his eyelids. He hasn’t made very good time but he finds it hard to think straight with his heart in his mouth and his life in pieces.
He crosses the Victorville line into Barstow and passes a designer outlet mall. It’s huge, and it makes his quest for a motel look promising; somewhere to put his head down for a while and decide exactly where it is he’s going. Death Valley holds a certain appeal and he figures if he heads for Dante’s View then at least for a few moments his surroundings will give him a more bearable reason to feel insignificant.
His cell is off and he fights the urge to switch it back on simply to find out how many calls he’s missed and who made them. Scrubs his eyes one handed against the image of his lover’s soft gaze and too long hair and pulls into a store parking lot to ask for directions to the nearest place to crash. Refuses to think about the inevitable accusation and disappointment that must be etched all over Xander’s face and tells himself one more time that this is the best way.
Memories crowd out doubt and mock him with their clarity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“This is the best part. I love undressing your professional ass.” Xander climbs on him and loosens his tie; a grin on his face and the fresh smell of the shower is still on his skin and in his hair. It contrasts sharply with the scent of new paint but Lindsey doesn’t have time to check out Xander’s decorating progress, just takes a cursory glance around, which lets him know that the place is tidy and shiny as a new pin.
“You didn’t wait for me,” slow smile from Lindsey. “But at least your hair’s still wet.” Xander looks rakish with the eye patch and just enough stubble to rasp over Lindsey’s skin and leave a territorial rash.
“This is how you like me.” Fingers deftly undo buttons; a slow kiss and then Xander’s fingers are in his hair. “And this is how I like you.”
“Dirty?” Lindsey’s hands gravitate to Xander’s ass and he wonders how he made it through the day without breaking his promise not to come home before he’d finished his case.
“Lawyerly.”
“Loyally? What?”
“Ok, bad grammar but it’s hard to think in Standard English when you look so …”
“Successful?”
“I can do the proud boyfriend thing if you want me to. But that’s not what I meant.” His tongue trails over Lindsey’s nipples and when he shivers Xander moves south and stops at his navel, circles around it instead of dipping inside like Lindsey wants him to.
“Ok, I’ll bite,” Lindsey says and Xander’s grin widens before he nibbles the patch of flesh above Lindsey’s stiffening cock “What do you mean?”
Xander takes his time before he answers. “Dressed that way you look corruptible.”
Lindsey laughs and tries to push Xander’s head lower. “I’m a lawyer, Xander not a primary school teacher. Being corruptible is a fifty per cent credit in the bar exam.”
“You can’t fool me,” Xander’s grin disappears and his look is suddenly tender. “I know it hides the real you. And I like to peel away the person you present to everyone else and uncover the guy I love. My Lindsey.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You all right, mister?” The storekeeper looks at him with concern and Lindsey blinks to dispel his reverie.
“Sure, I’m fine.” He grabs a local paper and some aspirin and pulls out change from his jeans pocket. “I’m looking for a motel, got any ideas?”
The storekeeper looks at Lindsey’s threads unabashedly and chuckles as he hands Lindsey his change. “That manicure of yours looks like it might be right at home at the downtown Holiday Inn but if your shirt prefers local hospitality over hiked up prices, there’s always the Comfort Inn. They’re both on Main Street, son, take your pick.”
Lindsey grabs a bottle of water from the cooler and hands him the correct money. “Thanks,” he smiles at him. “I wouldn’t say no to a little comfort right now.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You have to relax your shoulders a little,” Xander’s fingers roll Lindsey’s taut muscles and his thumbs press into aching knots. “That’s better,” he says as Lindsey sighs and rests his lower back against Xander’s belly. “Just pretend you have weights pulling your arms away from your ears and make with an ET impression. The extending your neck part, not the part where he wants to phone home. No phone for you tonight, they’ll just have to cope without you if they have any emergencies.”
“I can’t turn my phone off, you know that.” He groans as Xander presses hard and hurts him just right.
“I know,” Xander’s turn to sigh. “But you’re here now and nothing’s gonna spoil my illusions.”
“Illusions are a bad thing to buy into, Xander.”
“Hey, I lived on a Hellmouth for twenty-one years before I helped to sink it; I happen to know that illusions can become reality.”
“And I don’t want to be a killjoy but we both know it’s still there underneath all the rubble and it’s only a matter of time before it rears its ugly head again.”
Xander’s quiet for such a long time that Lindsey feels sure he’s pissed him off. “I’m sorry I …”
“Don’t be, I know you’re right. I guess it makes me a selfish person but all that matters is that for now it’s dormant and I’d like to believe that it won’t be active again in my lifetime. We don’t have to fight for our lives every day of the week any more simply because of where we live.”
“Except like a glutton for punishment you moved to LA. Sorry but I can’t see how that’s made a difference.”
“Sure it has, at least the evil in this place has better manners. For a start you can sue it’s ass. And there are compensations.”
Xander drops a kiss to the back of Lindsey’s neck and manipulates muscles as though he can make his life submit along with the tension. “Buffy and Dawn actually look happy and Willow is more relaxed than I’ve ever seen her. You should come with me next time I go and see them.”
Lindsey’s muscles tense involuntarily under Xander’s fingers and he expects the hurt in Xander’s voice before he hears it.
“We could meet them and not tell Angel.” It’s kind reproach and it twists Lindsey’s gut but he can’t help it; they hate him and Angel’s only an excuse.
Lindsey shifts out from under Xander’s hands and turns to face him. “It’s bad enough I have to work for the guy; I doubt I’ll ever be ready to make with the nice, nice away from the office.”
Xander laughs at that and tackles Lindsey to the floor, plants kisses all over his face and grabs his cock through his pants without preliminaries. “If you ever managed to be nice to Angel anywhere I would personally check you for demon possession.”
“Perhaps you should start looking right now,” Lindsey pulls his shirt off and brings Xander’s mouth to his throat. “I managed a civil good morning today, it’s almost worth it to see the way his lip curls when he has to acknowledge my presence.”
“Can we not talk about Angel right now? It’s disturbing when I’m about to fuck you into the floor.”
Lindsey doesn’t say his name again for the next couple of hours but he can’t help grinning at the glower he imagines on Angel’s face when Xander calls Lindsey’s name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He could have kept on kidding himself that this new life is real and that things don’t always come full circle. He’d chosen his path a long time ago and there isn’t much chance of getting off it but he’d hoped that having Xander in his life would prove to be the detour that changed the shape of his future.
He loves him unequivocally; they share conversation, their time and their bodies and he now knows what it means to truly share his life. And if Lindsey doesn’t quite add up to Xander’s ideal of him it’s a close enough fit. Or so he thought until now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xander’s head is bent close to Willow’s and he laughs at something she says. Willow turns to Fred with a smirk and whatever she says to her causes Fred’s mouth to fall open before she blushes. Lindsey thinks about going over to them but orders another drink instead. He’s faced Lilah Morgan sober and after only two hours sleep but there’s something about Willow that makes him feel naked and not in a good way.
He doesn’t dislike her but he finds her unnerving; she doesn’t miss a trick where Xander’s concerned and she has a way of making Lindsey feel like he’s up to no good every time she looks at him. He wonders how many people have dismissed Xander’s oldest friend as merely a slip of a girl because they have no idea that she controls enough power to rival the Senior Partners in a throw down.
Lindsey thinks the Christmas lights are pretty this year and he has to admit that he never felt this relaxed at the office party when Holland Manners was in charge. It’s a good start and he takes his drink and starts to walk toward Xander just as Buffy crosses the room to join Angel. She glances at him briefly with a stony expression that holds Lindsey’s attention better than any opposing council ever could.
“You might consider casting those looks o’ yours elsewhere; your boyfriend did cut off my hand.”
She stops and folds her arms, a small smile on her face that he know means she just getting warmed up.
“Yes but he was working for the greater good. Besides you have a new one now.”
“So I should just get the hell over it?”
“He gave you a job didn’t he?”
“I was recruited by Lilah Morgan, Angel had nothing to with it. I guess it pissed him off and that’s why you don’t like me.”
“That has nothing to do with it.”
“So you admit you don’t like me?”
“It’s nothing personal. We all have a chequered history; we’ve all done questionable things. But you weren’t just evil; you worked the system to get evil off. Helped to pave the way for its proliferation. All I’m doing is simply weighing up the facts and reserving judgment. Xander’s happy; I just hope he stays that way.”
“You’re such a hypocrite. Angel might trying to tame the beast from the inside these days but every deal that goes his way, half a dozen more still slip through the net. Wolfram and Hart hasn’t changed that much, Buffy. And d’ya wanna know what I think?”
“Enlighten me.”
“You can’t cope with the fact you just aren’t that important any more, there’s others like you and they can do the job just as well as you if not better.”
“If you believe that’s the bug up my ass then you really don’t know me at all. But then you never will because Xander’s too busy trying to keep your sensitive feelings safe and us away from his life.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes. You do. If you really love him you’ll let him breathe. You’ll trust him to make the right choices and that his love for you will always bring him back to you. Or maybe you should just admit defeat and get out of Dodge.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lindsey’s room is better than comfortable, it has a home from home quality to it that some of the more expensive hotels smother with clinically perfect hospitality. He takes a couple of aspirin and lets his newspaper and clothes fall in a heap on the floor. Sinks beneath fresh sheets and rest his head against cool pillows that immediately start to soothe the ache in his forehead.
Sleep comes quicker than he thought possible but his mind doesn’t shut off, it just plays memories like they’re stuck on auto cue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xander’s inside him and the only thing wrong with that is the fact he isn’t moving. Sweat drips from his brow to Lindsey’s top lip and Lindsey licks at it before it can escape and get lost in the sweat covering his own skin. Xander looks at him and it’s hard to believe that the new eye hasn’t always been there, opening a gateway into his thoughts and his soul, and for now at least, because Xander believes it, Lindsey can kid himself that everything will be alright.
“Oh god. I’ll never get used to how fuckin’ wonderful this is.” And then Xander moves, rocks his hips slowly and each movement takes him deeper inside. He doesn’t take his eyes off Lindsey when he kisses him, when he nibbles at his flesh, when he comes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A smile twitches Lindsey’s face and it isn’t totally lost in sleep; the pleasure of this memory gives birth to another one immediately after.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“We’re taking Dawn to the amusement park?”
“Pick your chin up or you’ll get gravel rash. Come on Linds, even you have to admit that Dawn is cool and she thinks you’re hot so, bonus points.”
“Isn’t she a little old for an escort?”
“Her boyfriend is in Florida and other guys will be around her like bees around a honey pot. She needs an escort.”
Lindsey laughs. “Did I ever tell you you’re an old fashioned guy, Xander Harris? And if Dawn finds out what you just said she’ll kick your butt.”
“Only if she finds out. Which she won’t because I’m willing to trade sexual favours for your silence.”
Lindsey sighs. “I don’t know attitudes like yours are hardly going to advance the post-feminist movement.”
“I’ll blow you on the roller coaster.”
“Is that really appropriate behaviour with Dawn around?”
“Eew! Thanks for that visual. I’ll buy her cotton candy and we‘ll go on alone.”
“I dunno, it doesn’t seem right …”
“I’ll tie you to the bed later and punish you for being a very, bad, man.”
“My lips are sealed. What time do we pick her up?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There’s banging on the door but he clings to sleep and the illusive something in this memory that carries answers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You have to promise me that you’ll still wear the eye patch, it looks so damned sexy.” Xander’s face is pinched and pale and if Lindsey could swap places with him he would.
“I’m scared, Lindsey.”
“You’ve looked fear in the face more times already than other folks do in a lifetime. This is a walk in the park for you.” Xander grabs his hand and squeezes so hard that Lindsey winces before he can check it.
“I thought they’d be here. They said …”
“I’m here.”
“Where’s your faith in me Xander Harris?”
“Willow, you made it.”
“Darn tootin’. Besides this is half my project; Fred says she’ll stop by later. Willow grins and rumples Xander’s hair and before Lindsey has time to draw breath against the intrusion Angel and Buffy are taking over the room.
He can understand the way Angel eats up space; he’s a big bastard even without the disapproval and the scowling. But Buffy’s so tiny; five feet four and a hundred pounds wet-through yet she steals O2 from the room with the quiet ‘I’m watching you’ looks that she throws his way when Xander isn’t looking.
Mercifully the doctor comes in after a few minutes to shoo them all out except for Lindsey who’s allowed more time as Xander’s significant other. Xander still looks worried but the satisfied smile on his face wrenches at Lindsey’s heart as relief for Xander and his own treacherous jealousy war inside it. He takes a quick look at Angel’s retreating back and narrows his eyes. He’s linked hands with Buffy but his stature is neutral enough to allow Willow into their space. Since when did he become such a people person anyway? Fighting the good fight and spouting self-righteous indignation were always his strong suit but now he’s got people relaxing around him?
“Lindsey?”
“Just thinking. It must be strange having the past and the present in the same room.”
“You tell me ... Kiss me before you go, for luck.” Lindsey has no problem with that scenario and climbs on top and straddles him. Kisses him like he’s afraid they might go out of style before he’s tired of wearing them. The doctor looks amused when she comes back and Lindsey looks unrepentant when he gets off the bed.
“Lindsey, wait,” Xander grabs his hand again. “It is kinda weird having my two worlds collide. But the important thing is that you and me are the future. I’m in love with you.”
“I love you too, Xander. You’ll be out of here in no time. And I’ll be waiting.”
“Always?”
“Always, I promise.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Lindsey open up! Don’t make me break the door.”
The thumping disguises the fact that his headache has gone and he stumbles to the door before he’s remembered properly where he is and why. He opens it without checking the spy hole because he daren’t hope it’s Xander and he scowls into the poorly lit night when it isn’t.
“What the fuck are you doin’ here? Wait, don’t answer that; it’s a dumb question.”
“Are you always this grouchy when you wake up? It must kill you having someone like Xander bouncing around you before you’ve had your Wheaties.”
“You don’t know anything about me and Xander so shut the fuck up.”
“Can I come in, Lindsey? I mean I know I can come in, it being a hotel room but I’m asking you if you mind?”
Lindsey can’t help the smile that threatens to break his face and he stands aside to let Angel in. “You’re being polite?”
“I can do polite. That’s why I’m going to suggest you put some clothes on first.”
Lindsey looks down but he realises he’s naked before his eyes hit the important areas and he shrugs and leaves the door open as he pulls on his jeans. “Did Gunn rat me out straight away or did he wait until he knew he’d won the case first?”
Angel closes the door behind him and sits in the chair by the bed. “He didn’t tell me anything, it’s my job to know where you are”
“And what I’m up to?”
“I didn’t have you pegged as the type of guy who would take off because a woman gets under your skin, Lindsey. I thought you had a stronger backbone.”
“Oh and that girlfriend o’ yours wasn’t spouting consensus opinion?”
“Buffy doesn’t need a consensus to have an opinion,” Angel’s silent for a moment. “She told me what she said to you. The truth hurts doesn’t it? But I didn’t think you’d make Xander pay for how it makes you feel.”
Lindsey put his head down. “How is he?”
“He doesn’t know you left yet and you’re going to haul your shiny white hiney back home before he does.”
“If he hasn’t missed me by now …”
“Just listen to yourself. If you would just get over your inferiority complex for a minute you would know that you’re talking out of your ass. Xander loves you and the only reason he hasn’t missed you yet is because he thinks you’re still in court and will be meeting him later at Patina for dinner?”
“Since when did you start eating solids?” Lindsey looks at Angel like he thinks he’s finally lost his mind. “Patina?”
“Yeah, Chi’s booked solid for the next month and besides Justin Timberlake doesn’t strike me as your kinda guy.”
Lindsey pulls the rest of his clothes on and looks at Angel with suspicion but it’s tinged with reluctant hope. He realises his headache has gone. “I know I’m an asshole. That’s why he’s better off without me.”
“Look, I know it’s hard. But all you have to do is help me, Buffy, Willow and Dawn to bridge the gap between us. Xander’s stretched to his limits trying to appease all of us and the only thing that will make you into what you really think you are, is if you ignore that and do nothing to try and make it right.”
“How’s the altitude up there, Moses?” The fight goes out of Lindsey because he suddenly realises this is the lifeline he’s looking for. “Maybe you’re right. I dunno, it’s just …”
“Too good to be true?”
“Something like that.”
“For me it’s exactly like that and I know that things could go wrong at any time; there are no guarantees. But I’m not about to waste my precious time with Buffy worrying just because it might be taken from me tomorrow or the next day.”
“I’ll let him down, I know I will.”
“Sure you will and sometimes you might even mean it; the question you have to ask yourself, is can you cope when he forgives you?” Angel stands and brushes nonexistent lint from his pants. “Don’t drink too much, you’re back in court first thing tomorrow and we need to win. That’s why you’re on it Lindsey because I know you can do it.” He turns on his feet and heads for the door.
“Angel. You’re a smug bastard d’you know that?”
“You’re welcome, Lindsey. See you tomorrow.”
~*~
Lindsey pulls at his collar and quells the sudden anticipation that normally only accompanies a first date. He spots Xander the moment he walks in the restaurant and stands up as he approaches the table. He’s dressed impeccably and for an uncharitable moment Lindsey wonders if Dawn picked out his soft charcoal wool pants and grey cashmere sweater. He intends to find out and kiss her feet if she did. They cling to Xander’s body; his sweater outlines his pectorals and his pants hug his ass and thighs in just the right way to make Lindsey feel jealous because they're closer than he is. Xander grins and leans forward to kiss him and Lindsey wonders aloud if they should just skip dinner.
“You need to wine me and dine me mister if you have any hope of me putting out later.”
“One day I’m gonna test that theory,” They sit down and ignore the frank stares being cast in their direction.
“I missed you today.” Xander reaches for his hand.
“I missed you too, you’ll never know how much.” Lindsey still isn’t used to saying how he feels, not unless it’s motivated by anger but Xander has a way about him that works like a key on Lindsey’s mouth. And the way he’s looking at it right now makes Lindsey lick his lips and worry at them with his teeth.
“You know on second thought, Lindsey, is this really our kind of place?”
“I’d prefer Chi myself. Red-leather banquettes and corset-laced wooden chairs always bring the cowboy out in me. Actually, Timberlake’s not as bad as some people make out and I represented Allen Davis once so …”
“Except even you can’t get a reservation for about a month and I hate dim sum.”
“At least this place gives good foreplay. Hell, anything that can get you to dress in those clothes gets my buck.”
“If you had a choice where would you rather be?”
“I’d prefer to be in a place where I can eat a bucket of prime rib off of you instead of plates.”
“Let’s go.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The armchair catches Xander as he falls backwards and Lindsey is all over him before the apartment door clicks shut. He pulls his sweater off and licks a strip up his belly and chest. “I like you like this but the clothes have to go; they’re enjoying themselves way too much for my likin’.”
“Lindsey are we ok?” Lindsey carries on pulling Xander’s zipper down and from outward appearances the question is no more worrying than if Xander had asked about the weather.
“I hope so because I’m about to have my wicked way with you.”
“I’m serious. If you ever have any doubts about us I want you to tell me.”
“Xander, I’ve never had doubts about us, only about myself.” He slides Xander’s pants down over his hips and stands so he can pull them off his feet. He drops to his knees between Xander’s thighs and buries his nose at the inviting mound in his boxer shorts. Xander’s fingers are rough in Lindsey’s hair as he mouths his cock through thin cotton.
“You seemed odd this morning.”
Lindsey raises his head and flashes him an irritated smile. “I can’t be doin’ this right if you can still talk.”
“Tell me.”
“I woke up feeling bad and then went on to have a bad day, which I’ll tell you about some other time. Right now I just plan on making it better.”
“Ok. I can live with that. Take your clothes off.”
The hunger in Xander’s eyes as he watches Lindsey makes Lindsey feel ashamed of his earlier actions and he wishes he never had to tell Xander what he did. Wishes Angel hadn’t had to be the one to point out the obvious but if can swallow the fact he screwed up then maybe they really will make it.
Xander pushes his shorts off and spreads his thighs, reaches under the cushion and brings out lube and a condom with such a heated look on his face that Lindsey’s cock jumps.
“Regular boy scout ain’tcha?” He manages around the croak firmly lodged in his throat.
“Don’t talk about boy scouts, Lindsey; it’s disturbing when you’re about to fuck me into the floor.” His voice is low and arousal changes the timbre, makes Lindsey want to write songs for him that he would sing only for Lindsey.
Xander sits up and his eyes are dark and he kisses Lindsey like it’s a new experience. He rolls rubber over his straining erection and groans when Lindsey takes him in his hand and mimics the movements on his own cock before he fastens his lips around it and sucks him in slowly.
Xander flops back as though he’s boneless, and unhindered Lindsey licks, nibbles and sucks until Xander’s incoherent except for the begging. Lindsey loves that part and he teases him, lets go of his cock so he can slide his own over the slippery velvet that stretched his mouth and swelled his lips and thrusts against Xander’s abdomen as many times as he moves away from him. Finally, when he can’t stand it any longer he rolls Xander’s legs back and sinks into him, hopes he hasn’t left it too late and that it won’t be over too soon for both of them.
Xander breathes his name and it’s so hot and dirty that Lindsey can’t believe he thought he would ever be strong enough to give this up. Hates himself because he tried. Knows now he doesn’t have to.
Lindsey tries to temper his thrusts, to draw it out but need takes over and Xander urges him on, wraps his legs around Lindsey’s waist, clasps his ass cheeks and pushes him down again and again until he comes with a deep moan against the friction from Lindsey’s belly. Lindsey’s name is on his lips again the moment he breaks off kissing him to come up for air and Lindsey punches the air with profanity as he disintegrates with pleasure.
Epilogue
“Xander? You home?” Lindsey holds the door open and throws his briefcase on the nearest armchair.
There’s a satisfied snort from the kitchen. “I knew Wesley wouldn’t be able to keep you late when I’m cooking prime rib for dinner and I’m the dessert.”
Xander pokes his head around the kitchen door and pushes hair from his eyes. “Hey Linds,” he walks over to him and slides his arms around Lindsey’s waist, pulls him close for a slow satisfying kiss and then turns to the amused smiles being cast in his direction.
“Hey Dawn. Buffy. This is a nice surprise. So … I guess there’s enough ribs to go around but maybe after we should go get ice cream.”
~Fin~