Chapter 21: Spuffiness in a Cave, Part 2

*****************


Spike took a deep, unneeded breath. He hadn’t worked out what exactly he should say to her, figuring he would wing it. Now he realized that may not have been the best plan, considering the debilitating effect Buffy tended to have on his thinking process.

“Do you know why you lost to me just now?”

The Slayer’s first instinct was to deny that she’d lost, but she realized that would be ridiculous.

She sighed. “No, but I suppose you’re going to tell me.”

“Do you remember me telling you about the Slayer death wish?”

Buffy nodded. “But I don’t want to die....”

He looked at her, confused. She seemed sincere... was he wrong about the death wish?

“... but I don’t want to live, either,” she finished softly.

Aha! Now we’re gettin’ somewhere. It’s not exactly the death wish, then...

“You lost because you don’t care, Buffy, or at least you’ve convinced yourself you don’t. You’ve cut yourself off emotionally.”

She looked away, neither confirming nor denying his accusation.

“All the years I’ve known you, you always fight your best when you’re... when you’re feeling something.... usually anger. Especially when someone you love is in danger... like when you fought Glory to save Dawn... or me to save Angel....”

Not a topic he really wanted to bring up, but hey, anything to break down those walls.

Unbeknownst to him, his words brought up a memory, related to the slayer she’d worked with back then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy’s flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(What’s My Line, Part 2)

Kendra: Emotions are weakness, Buffy. You shouldn't entertain dem.

Buffy: Kendra, my emotions give me power. They're total assets!

Kendra: (picks up her knife) Maybe. For you. But I prefer to keep an even mind. (wipes the blade)

Buffy: (puts down her knife) Mm. I guess that explains it.

Kendra: Explains what?

Buffy: (plays with the stake) Oh, well, when we were fighting, uh, you're amazing! Your technique, it's flawless, it's, hmm, better than mine.

Kendra: I know.

Buffy: Still, I woulda kicked your butt in the end. And ya know why? No imagination.

Kendra: (rubs her blade more vigorously) Really? Ya tink so? (puts down the rag)

Buffy: Oh, I know so. You're good, but power alone isn't enough. A good fighter needs to know how to improvise, to go with the flow. Uh-uh, seriously, don't get me wrong, y-you really do have potential. (puts away the stake)

Kendra: (holds her knife ready) Potential? I could wipe de floor wit you right now!

Buffy: (looks Kendra in the eye) That would be anger you're feeling.

Kendra: What?

Buffy: You feel it, right? How the anger gives you fire? A Slayer needs that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She had completely forgotten her own words to Kendra. Since she blamed herself for the other Slayer’s death, having stupidly fallen for Angel’s trap, Buffy tried not to think about her.

Spike saw that Buffy was thinking about something, so he backed off. They’d put supplies in the cave earlier, and he busied himself getting out the food and setting up the two bundles of bedding.

Buffy was anguished. She’d started this whole no emotion thing to save others. If she felt too much, she’d freeze up when someone was hurt and then even more people would die. As General Buffy, with the mother of all apocalypses coming up, she felt she couldn’t take that risk, and so, as Spike said, she’d cut herself off.

But now she wondered. Was she really doing the best thing for her friends, or was she just being selfish? On the one hand, she realized Spike was right, she did fight better with emotion. On the other hand....

“Spike, what happens when someone is hurt or killed?”

He turned from the food and cocked his head at this apparent non sequitur.

“Huh?”

“I mean, you’re... you’re right...”

Buffy had to try very hard not to laugh at the surprised expression on his face. This may very well have been the first time she’d admitted he was right about something.

She continued. “I do fight better when I feel. But feeling is also what causes me to freeze up if someone is hurt or killed. Too many people are counting on me this time, Spike. If I freeze up, they die. I can’t, I won’t, allow that,” the Slayer stated firmly.

“You won’t freeze up,” the vampire assured her.

In a mannerism she’d unknowingly stolen from him, she raised an eyebrow. “No? You’ve forgotten when Glory took Dawn?”

He walked over to her and sat beside her again. “No, ‘course not. That was one of th’ worst times of my life... besides when you were gone, of course. I felt so.... so helpless. I slapped you. Didn’t do anything.”

She blinked. She’d never really thought about the impact her catatonic state had on others.

He resumed. “I figured that might be what you were worrying about. But that won’t happen again.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I know you,” he stated simply. She indicated for him to continue his explanation. “Because you’ve changed, matured and whatnot, since that time.”

Spike leaned in towards her and held her hands in his. “Buffy, I’ve known you for about as long as anyone else around. The fact that I was your enemy at first actually gives me somethin’ the others don’t have. I was always analyzing you, for strengths, weaknesses, anythin’ I could find. For the past few years I’ve still been doin’ that... partly outta habit I guess, but also ‘cause I care ‘bout you. And I’ve seen you at your best... and your worst.”

She looked away, remembering some of those ‘worst’ times, uncomfortable under the burning gaze of his blue eyes.

“So? Your point?”

“My point, Slayer, is that I know that you are so much stronger than ever before... or you would be if you’d let yourself be. Not just physically, but emotionally. As I said to th’ Scoobies, I don’t wanna sound like the great poof, but you gotta have faith in yourself.”

Not knowing how to respond, Buffy remained silent. Longing to break the tension, she suddenly said, “So, what? You trap me here to tell me to have faith in myself? You couldn’t have just done that at home, where it would have been slightly more convenient?”

“The idea was to get you to express some emotion, break your shell and whatnot before trying to talk to you. We didn’t think you’d stick around to chat once you showed some emotion. Couldn’t just have ya runnin’ away like usual.”

“Uh, news flash Spike, I’m no larger with the emotions than before.”

He sighed. “Yeah, I know. But when we first were trapped in here, I realized something. You were ‘bout ready to explode, but then you controlled it. See, I think what me an’ the Scoobies were thinkin’ was that this was kinda like after you came back, when you were emotionally numb. But it’s totally different. This, you’re doing consciously. Breakin’ down those walls isn’t gonna do any good if you just slap ‘em back up again.”

He had a good point, Buffy knew. This was something she’d done on purpose, and therefore she could undo it on purpose... not easily, but it was possible. One thing was still bothering her, however...

“Why you?”

“What?”

“Why you? Why are you the one sitting here, telling me this, instead of Willow or Xander?”

He chuckled. “Actually, I was chosen for my incredible ability to annoy the hell out of you. If I couldn’t make you mad, well then....”

She laughed, briefly. It felt good and right to laugh again, and, well, it was kinda funny.

Yet another question came to her. “Ok, I see your point about that, you are the most infuriating being on the planet.” He smirked proudly. “But how could they trust you to be trapped with me? I mean, I guess.... I’m starting to realize you can’t hurt me... or wouldn’t, anyway... but I just can’t see Xander saying, ‘Hmm, yeah, let’s trap Buffy in with Spike for an entire night, in a place out in the middle of nowhere.’ So...?”

He shrugged nonchalantly, trying to make it seem as if he didn’t know the impact his next words would have on her. “They trust me.”

Buffy gaped. For such a simple statement, she had quite a reaction. They couldn’t... but that was the only reasonable explanation for them allowing... no, not allowing, actually aiding and abetting him in capturing her for a night.... Oh no!

“Spike, this is just for one night, right? I mean, someone will come get us out in a coupla hours?”

He slowly drawled, “Well, Xander thought it might be a good idea for this to last several days, to break that stubborn barrier of yours...”

Seeing the alarmed expression on her face, he quickly amended, “But I thought one night was enough. Who knows when the First’ll come up wi’ another toy surprise for us to play with.”

The Slayer nodded, relieved.

Curious now, she asked, “So, how are you managing to get along with Xander? And isn’t Dawn still pissed at you?”

He snorted. “Wow, Slayer, I didn’t realize you were so behind on the times. I made up with the Nibblet, Xander, and the Watcher weeks ago. And, don’t tell the Whelp I said this, but we’re actually,” he mock shudders at his next word, “friends.”

“What!?”

“Yeah, I know, weird. But there’s a serious lack of other guys around for us to hang with, so we take what we can get.”

“Isn’t he still pissed about the whole Anya incident?” Buffy’s eyes darkened, remembering how hurt she’d been.

Seeing her change in attitude, Spike softened his tone. “He understands that she an’ I were hurtin’, so we took comfort in each other... well, first in a bottle, then in each other.”

“How did that come about?”

Spike sighed. This wasn’t something he wanted to discuss; he was inclined to tell her not to drudge up the past. But the past was still important, although over and done with; he knew that, and wanted to make her see that.

“I went to the magic box that night, lookin’ for a spell-”

“A spell? You were going to put a spell on me?! I don’t-”

“Slayer, would you shut your gob for two seconds? I was lookin’ for a spell to dull the pain of losing you, all right? And Anya grabbed a bottle of whiskey, and that’s how that all got started. Happy now?”

“Oh.”

Eager to change the subject, Spike said, “There’s food if you’re hungry, and your bed’s set over there.” He pointed.

“Wow, the prisoner gets fed and a bed and everything. How lovely,” Buffy snarked, still upset that she’d been duped by those she’d trusted most.

“Buffy, you do get that me an’ your other friends did this for your own good, right?”

She remained silent and still far too long for Spike’s peace of mind.

“Slayer? You hear what I said?”

Buffy still did not move or make a sound. Spike was just beginning to seriously worry when she finally seemed to come to some sort of decision.

“We’re not friends.”



*******

Chapter 22: Fight in a Cave

“We’re not friends,” Buffy said.

“Wh-what?” Spike stuttered, bewildered. Ok, one, where the hellmouth had that come from, and two, what?!

“I said, we’re not friends,” she repeated slowly.

“Oh, I heard you the first time! But where the bloody hell is that coming from, and what do you mean, we’re not friends? After everything we’ve been through... I understand you’ll never love me, and that’s... well, not fine, but I accept it. But now you say we’re not even friends? What the bloody -”

The Slayer interrupted his rant. “ We’re not friends.”

He was about to explode at her, maybe hit her to see if she was just stuck, like a broken record, when she continued.

“You said you and my other friends, implying that you and I are friends... well...” Buffy took a deep breath, wondering if he would recognize her words. “We’ll never be friends. We’ll be....” she swallowed, deciding she still couldn’t say that next line, skipping to the one after that. “We’ll fight, and we’ll shag, and we’ll hate each other till it makes us quiver, but we’ll never be friends.”

Spike stared at her, comprehension slowly dawning.

She was paraphrasing something he’d once said to her and Angel, so long ago, when the two were trying to pretend that they were only friends...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lover’s Walk ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike (facing Angel and Buffy in the magic shop):

You’re not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. (points at his temple) Love isn't brains, children, it's blood... (clasps his chest) blood screaming inside you to work its will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Admittedly, she’d skipped the bits that involved that dreaded word ‘love,’ but he knew she had a problem with that term. Even without it, though...

Once again, he leaned towards her and took her hands in his. She glanced away, but he didn’t let that deter him, recognizing it as yet one more of her defense mechanisms.

“Buffy, pet, what exactly are you saying?”

She took a deep breath. Now or never. Finally turning to face him, she said, “Spike, I-”

With that oh-so-impeccable timing that catastrophe often showed on the Hellmouth, it was at this moment that they both felt and heard the gang of vamps approaching.

Grabbing the stakes they were never without, the Slayer and the vampire sprang to their feet, standing in identical defensive stances.

Buffy urgently hissed, “Spike? How the hell did they get here?”

Sheepishly, he said, “Um, guess there’s a back entrance...”

One which he and Xander had failed to find, hidden as it was behind part of the cave wall. They’d been too distracted by the plan, and by their conversation.

Their short exchange of phrases was all they had time for before the first vampire rounded the corner.

As the vamps came closer down whatever corridor they were in, the two could hear the leader saying, “All right boys, you know what to do. I want Egabarge alive. He’ll pay for that double-crossing...” the head honcho trailed off as he rounded the rocks which hid the passage, spotting Spike and Buffy.

“Well, well, well, what have we here?”

Spike thought fast. The vamp’s words explained that mess he and Xander had found. This Egabarge guy probably had been here, but must have cleared out in a hurry. Since it didn’t look like the resident intended on returning, Spike and Xander cleared the debris and thought no more about it.

Hoping the usually impulsive Slayer would restrain herself, Spike said, “We’re not who you’re looking for, so why don’t you go and look for him elsewhere. Like, now.” Maybe we can still talk our way out of this and go back to our conversation, he thought, not believing that for an instant.

The boss laughed as he walked a step farther into the cave. Spike and Buffy tensed, ready to attack if he came any closer.

“And why would we let such tasty morsels such as you and this pretty gal go free?”

Spike vamped, and the leader took a step back. “Because I’m a vampire, and she’s the Slayer.”

A short, scrawny vampire came around the bend from the hidden passageway. His eyes widened in recognition as he saw the bleached blonde.

He tugged on the boss’s sleeve. “Hey, Biff! That’s the traitor, the one who killed your brother, Darren!”

Biff’s eyes narrowed. The two were dangerous, if the girl was really the Slayer, but.... she looked too little. And if the vampire had really killed his brother, well then.... “Attack!” he shouted to his gang behind him.

Stupidly, he charged forward at Spike, who shifted so that Biff impaled himself on the upheld stake.

One down, who knows how many more to go, Spike thought grimly.

The smaller vamp hung back as the rest of the gang rushed in.

Spike and Buffy tried to remain where they were, close to the entrance to the hidden passage, so that the vamps who came through wouldn’t be able to surround them. This tactic worked for a moment before an extremely large vampire came lumbering through and tackled both the Slayer and her companion.

The vamp built like a football player was staked and the two were back up in moments, but by then the vampire gang were all in the cave with them.

It was a rather large gang, Spike saw. Glancing around, he guesstimated there were about 15 or 20. A difficult and dangerous number, even for the Slayer and the rebel vamp.

For a time, the two warriors fought back to back, before the pull of battle dragged them apart.

Spike was somewhat surprised to hear Buffy quipping, as she would have in previous times.

“We - were- trying - to - have - a - conversation - you - morons!” In between each word was a punch, kick, or staking.

Sometime during the fray, Buffy staked a vampire who quickly fell backward as he disintegrated, taking her stake with her. “Spike! Got an extra-”

Guessing her predicament, Spike threw her a stake without even looking; without a glance, she caught it, a brief reminder of how well attuned they were to one another.

Buffy and Spike both received minor wounds as they worked their way through the vampires; Buffy’s left wrist was sprained, possibly broken, and Spike had been slashed in the side by a vampire who, oddly enough, had been carrying a knife.

But overall, they were doing pretty well for a while. Buffy, who’d been too busy with her job to really do much training, was slowing down. As always, even though the distraction could prove fatal, Spike was keeping an eye out for her.

As he staked the little annoying twerp who’d spoken before the fight, he caught a glimpse of a vampire grasping the stake Buffy had lost, creeping up behind her.

Spike was just a few yards to Buffy’s right. He was distracted by another vampire, to whom he turned and quickly dealt with. By the time he turned back to Buffy, the other vampire was lunging towards her unprotected back, stake upraised.

There was no time to warn the Slayer, nor any to think. Using all of his vampiric speed, Spike moved himself between the dangerous stake and his love.

Having staked the two vampires she’d been wrestling with for several minutes, and sensing something behind her, Buffy turned. She was just in time to see Spike move between her and the threat to her life.

With horror, she saw a stake - her stake- protrude from his back.

“No!!” she shrieked.

Spike weakly turned to her. “Buffy...” he murmured.

Taking advantage of her distraction, two vampires rushed her, knocking her to the ground.

Within moments, the Slayer had staked them both. She was on a rampage, screaming her rage, moving like never before. It was as if she’d tapped into the essence of her Slayer abilities, as she whirled, kicked, punched, staked.

It took only minutes for her to kill the 6 or 7 vampires left.

Suddenly realizing she’d run out of opponents, she looked around desperately to where she’d last seen Spike, hoping for some sort of miracle, for him to still be there, here, with her, never leaving her, loving her.

There was nothing but dust.

A/N:

Chapter 23: Confusion in a Cave

**********************************************************

Suddenly realizing she’d run out of opponents, Buffy looked around desperately to where she’d last seen Spike, hoping for some sort of miracle, for him to still be there.

There was nothing but dust.

*****

This can’t... this can’t be happening...

In her distress, Buffy began shouting, looking up toward the heavens as if for an answer.

“Why?! Why did this have to happen, why now, why after everything, why leave me here to suffer without him? Haven’t I done enough, lost enough, sacrificed enough? Jenny, Angel, my mother, Tara... my own life, and heaven, and now him....”

Buffy, that strong Slayer who’d sworn that she’d never allow her emotions to control her again, broke down. She fell to her knees, sobbing. Out of a need for some outlet for her emotions, she began pounding the nearby cave wall until her hands bled. Finally, all of her strength left her, and she collapsed on the floor, longing for oblivion.

Instead, she heard a noise that nearly made her heart stop.

A very familiar voice called out, “Buffy?”

Illogical hope flaring up once again, she leapt up and turned, searching for the source of that wonderful, magical sound.

There was Spike, beautiful in the white light of the moon, alive... well, undead, and unhurt. He was looking at her with one of his insufferable, lovable, trademark smirks.

“Spike...” Buffy breathed, hardly believing her eyes.

“What’s the matter, luv? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“You... I thought you were dead.”

As much as she wanted to run to him and hold him, and have him hold her, something kept her back. Besides, just seeing him again, talking to him again, knowing he was all right, was enough. She drank in the sight of his lovely form.

“Been dead a long time,” he responded.

“No, I mean... I thought you were gone.”

“Oh, that. You thought I’d gone and let myself get staked, and left you like... well, let’s see, your father, Angel, Riley, Giles.... oh, and even me, after I tried to rape you, after insisting that I loved you and that I’d never hurt you.”

Now Buffy was confused. Spike almost never used Angel’s and Riley’s actual names. And the way he’d mentioned the attempted rape was more mocking than the usual self recriminating style she’d become accustomed to since he won his soul.

But her mind was on overload: first, believing that Spike was really and truly gone, and then seeing him whole and healthy - it was all a bit too much for her to handle.

So all she could come up with to say was, “Huh? What?”

“Wow, I guess every guy in your life has left you... oh, except the useless Xander, who barely counts as a guy, anyway.”

“I-I thought you were friends with him now,” Buffy said, shaking her head in confusion. What’s going on? What’s wrong with him?

Spike laughed. It was an evil, cruel laugh, one she’d not heard him use in a long time.

“Friends? With that worthless, pathetic excuse for a human? Oh, I don’t think so. In fact, I’m not really friends with any of them. I’m just waiting until their backs are turned and then,” Spike vamped out and made a rude, smacking noise and licked his lips suggestively.

Buffy turned from him in horror and disgust, her mind still in a turmoil.

Seeing her face, he gave another cruel laugh. “Did you actually expect anything different? You really believed I loved you, after all that I’ve done to you? The soul makes no difference; I’m still just an evil demon, one you were chosen to kill. I could never love you. Demons can’t love, didn’t you know that, Slayer?” he sneered.

Spike would never say any of those things... he, of all people, knows that demons can love...

Finally, finally, Buffy saw clearly what was going on. She was calmer now, better able to think.

She turned to address him. “So, what is this? Try and ruin my memories of him? It won’t work.”

Seeing that she’d caught on, the First shifted to a different form: Angel’s.

“Buffy, I left you for your own good, you know, not so you could end up with some monster like Spike.” There was a brief pause before the image vamped out and said savagely, “Was it good for you, too?”

Before Buffy could respond, the First shifted again, this time taking Tara’s image. “I tried to help you, Buffy... I guess I failed. After all, it’s your fault I’m dead.”

Next came her mother. “Buffy, I can’t believe this. I thought we talked about this... but you’ve always been a disappointment. If you really loved me, you’d respect my wishes and give up the slaying all together, have a normal life like I always wanted you to have.”

In her best valley girl style, Buffy rolled her eyes and said, “Yeah, whatever. Look, the way I remember Spike... and the way I’m so totally gonna kick your ass... you’re not gonna change any of that with some fancy tricks and words. Give it up.”

Seeing the Slayer was not to be budged, the First changed to Buffy’s own form, trying to get in a few parting shots.

“Well now, how pathetic was that? It took me, what... five, ten minutes to realize I was conversing with the First?
I once asked you what it meant about you when your little friends couldn’t tell you apart from me... now the question is, what does it mean when you can’t tell the difference between ultimate evil and your boyfriend, someone you knew so well? For all you know, I’ve killed all of your friends and replaced them with images of myself. After all, you’d never notice the difference.”

With that last spiteful remark, the First disappeared in its usual flashy manner.

For a moment, Buffy remained standing. She was proud of herself, the way she’d pulled it together when she needed to. As she leaned back against the cave wall, she murmured, “He was right. I can do this... emotions and all.”

Of course he was right. Isn’t... wasn’t he always? And I never told him... never told him that I - what was that?

At an almost subconscious level, the Slayer had sensed... something... what was it...

Her vampire-radar was going off, she now realized. She’d been too distracted before, but now she could feel it. Had she missed one of the members of Biff’s gang? Maybe they were in the corridor... or they could simply be hiding in the shadowy recesses of the cave.

The Slayer prowled slowly around the dark perimeter of the cavern, searching for that hidden vampire setting her sensors off.

What was that over there... nope, just a rock... what about there? What is that? Looks like... black leather?

Distinguishing black leather from gray rocks with next to no light was pretty difficult, but Buffy had extraordinary good night vision (one of the many Slayer-perks). Commanding herself not to get her hopes up yet again, she slowly walked toward the leather-covered heap.

Circling cautiously around the figure, she gasped when she spotted the white-blonde hair half-covered by the duster.

She fell to her knees next to Spike, afraid to touch him, afraid that this was just another ploy of the First. But she had to know....

Hesitantly, Buffy reached out and with one trembling finger touched Spike’s cheek.

She gasped in relief as she realized he was real. Her mind reeled. He’s here! He’s really here! Oh, but why isn’t he moving....

“Spike?” she whispered, then wondered why she was whispering. Repeating herself more loudly, she ran the back of her hand down the side of his face. “Come on, Spike, wake up.” Buffy kissed him lightly on the forehead.

When she still saw no movement, she grasped his shoulders and shook him lightly, then again, harder, desperate for him to awaken.

Can vampires fall into comas? At least she knew he couldn’t be dead (-er than usual) since he wasn’t dust, but she wasn’t certain what to do now.

Buffy gently rolled Spike onto his back, looking for injuries. She gasped at the gaping hole on the right side of his chest... she really had seen him staked, but the stake must have just missed his heart. She thanked whatever deity might be listening for that mercy.

Running to heap of supplies where Spike had earlier gone for the bedding, she found a first aid kit. Ah ha! Always be prepared... wonder if they had boy scouts back when Spike was a kid...

The Slayer gently slipped his leather coat off of him as best she could, her hurt wrist not helping the situation, and removed his shirt as well so she could see the damage he’d taken. She noticed he also had a nasty cut in his side. Between the staking and the slash, he’d lost a lot of blood.

Having wrapped both wounds up as best she could, she sat by his side, longing to do something more for him.

Unsure of what else to do, she ran and grabbed one of the pillows, thankful that it hadn’t been completely destroyed in the fight.

Buffy gently lifted his head and placed the white pillow under it. She remained by his side, helpless and hating it.

Slowly, she saw the dark stain spread from underneath his head. Her eyes widened.

That would explain why he’s still unconscious, all right.

She had less experience wrapping up a head wound, and ran out of bandages halfway through, so she ripped Spike’s already ruined shirt into strips to help.

Guess he’ll just have to wear one of his other black shirts, Buffy thought, trying to distract herself with thoughts of Spike’s monochromatic wardrobe.

She drifted off into sleep there, leaning against the cave wall, his hand clasped in hers.

When Buffy awoke, about a half an hour later, she found that Spike still had not moved. Once again, she was unable to wake him. She sat back and thought.

What can I do? What more can I possibly do? Nothing I can do to help with the concussion... but all that blood loss isn’t helping, either. And there’s something I can do about that.

If the Slayer had been a bit more rational, she might have thought about the likelihood that there were some blood packets stashed away along with all the other supplies.

But she wasn’t feeling anywhere near rational. Still on emotional overload, worrying about her vampire, she came up with a different solution: her blood.

After all, what could be better, more healing, for a vampire than a Slayer’s blood?

After sterilizing the sharp little knife she’d found in the first aid kit, she made a cut on her left arm.

She propped Spike’s head up on her lap. Holding his head still with her right hand, she moved her left arm so that the blood dripping from the cut fell into his slightly open mouth.

At first, there was no reaction; he didn’t swallow, causing some of her blood to spill out of his mouth and down his chin.

Am I too late? Buffy feared that perhaps she was... wait, what was that?

Did he... yes, he did! He swallowed! She choked back tears of joy, and moved her arm closer to his mouth.

Spike vamped out and latched on to her arm; she gasped at the sensation, suddenly remembering when she’d forced Angel to drink from her.

After another minute, just as she was beginning to feel lightheaded, Spike’s eyes snapped open.

Realization came a split second later, and he immediately thrust her arm away and tried to scramble backward. He was prevented from doing this by his injuries, and by Buffy, who had, as gently as possibly, grabbed one of his arms with her right hand.

“Spike,” she said gently, “It’s ok.”

He looked at her, horror and dismay clear on his face. Spike rasped, “No, Slayer, it’s not ok! What... How could you...” His strength and resolve left him at that moment, and he looked away.

“Spike, you’re not fully healed yet... come lay down and we’ll talk, ok?”

Buffy wasn’t used to talking to Spike like this... soothing, entreating him. To her surprise, it wasn’t as difficult as she might have once assumed.

He hesitated for a moment, then nodded and lay back down. She quickly and gently lifted his head and replaced the pillow under it, turning the pillow over so the dark stain wouldn’t show.

“Now,” she began, “let’s talk.”

********

A/N:

Chapter 24: The Talk

“Now,” Buffy began, “let’s talk.”

“I can’t believe-” the wounded vampire started, before he was interrupted.

“Excuse me, lemme rephrase that. I’ll talk, you’ll listen.”

Spike once again started to protest, but she cut him short, saying, “You can talk all you want later... much later, since you still need to heal.”

He glared angrily up at here for a moment, and then he closed his eyes and nodded his head reluctantly, well aware that the Slayer would get her way in this, sooner or later; might as well be sooner.

Besides, as reluctant as he was to admit it, he was feeling a bit weak, though the Slayer blood coursing through his system was helping him heal more quickly than usual.

As Buffy tried to figure out where to start, she gently began playing with his hair, careful to keep away from where he was wounded.

Feeling her fiddling with his hair went a long way towards reconciling Spike to this situation, although he was still upset about the matter of her forcing him to feed on her. He actually shook as he remembered that, but the Slayer’s fingers helped calm him down.

Finally, Buffy began, deciding to go backwards, chronologically speaking.

“I know you’re upset with me for making you drink my blood...”

Seeing him about to interrupt yet again, she continued quickly. “But I had to. You were out cold, for a long time, and I was so scared...” she said softly. Admitting that she was afraid wasn’t easy for her, and thinking about that time when she thought he was dead certainly didn’t help.

As if sensing her thoughts, Spike managed to reach one hand up to press gently against her cheek. Buffy leaned against it briefly, taking comfort, before taking his hand with her free one and laying it back at his side, with a gentle squeeze.

She continued. “You lost a lot of blood. Between the staking, the slash at your side, and the head wound... I knew you weren’t dead, since you weren’t dust, but I wanted - no, needed- you to wake up.”

He perked up at this admission. This is certainly encouragin’! Though with the way th’ Slayer goes hot and cold, ya never know... Next second she might be screechin’ at me...

But no, she went on in the same soft tone. “So, you needed blood. Which I have a lot of. And I know, from previous experience, the healing power it has for vampires.”

Spike growled quietly at the reminder of his grandsire.

Buffy heard the growl, but ignored it. “I-I guess now that I think about it, there’s probably some blood with the rest of the supplies.”

The prone figure nodded.

“But I wasn’t. Thinking, I mean. Anyway... look, Spike, this was my decision to make, ok? I don’t regret it, and I don’t want you to, either. I trust you; you’re not going to get all blood-lusty on me now just ‘cause you had a taste of me... of my blood, I mean.”

“How do you know I’m not going to go ‘all blood-lusty’ on you?”

The Slayer felt the urge to smack him, and had to remind herself that they were communicating verbally now, not physically. “Were you listening to me?” she snapped. “I said I trusted you, ok? Just... deal with it. I don’t really see what your problem is, anyway.”

“Don’t see what my problem is? Buffy, one of the things the First liked to torment me with was images of me sucking you dry... It kept telling me how much you wanted me to, how much I wanted to...”

“But those weren’t real!” Buffy protested.

“See, that’s the thing, Slayer... I do want to...”

Instead of running away in horror, as Spike had figured she would, Buffy paused to reflect. “But you never would.” It was a statement, not a question. “You’re a vampire, Spike; it’s natural - well, natural in a supernatural kind of way - for you to want to drink my blood.”

Spike was surprised to see that she understood. She was right; it was natural for him to thirst for her blood. Having had a taste of it, however, made it just that much more difficult to deny his desire.

But he couldn’t be mad at her for making him drink her blood, not really, because it showed how much she cared, how worried she was. In a way, he almost didn’t mind the comparison to her feeding Angel, since he knew she’d done that out of love...

Out loud, however, all he said was, “Fine, I’ll deal. Go on, what else?” Spike sensed that there was more to be said.

Taking a deep breath, she told him. “The First came to me. In your form... after the fight, after I’d seen you get staked... and I thought you were dead, and then it came to me, looking like you, and saying these awful things...”

Spike reached up as best he could to calm the distraught Slayer. Buffy began crying, automatically choking back her tears.

“Buffy, luv... it’s just me here. Let it all out.”

Amazingly enough, she did. She sobbed, resting her head on his less-injured left side. He managed to raise a hand, caressing her hair and murmuring, “That’s it, pet, that’s right. It’s ok to cry...”

“I-I was j-just s-so scared!” she hiccuped.

Her words of a moment ago came back to him, as he asked, “You thought I was dead?”

He felt her nod against him. “It was awful...”

As heart-wrenching as it was for Spike to see Buffy in pain, he knew that in the end, this was a good thing... provided she didn’t try and pretend it never happened. But he couldn’t remember ever seeing her really be this open, allowing this much emotion to show. He wasn’t really surprised that it would be with him that she could open up; after all, she’d gone to him when she needed someone to talk to after being ripped out of heaven.

After a few more minutes, she started to calm down.

“Feeling better now, luv?”

She nodded, and sat back up. “Thank you... for everything.”

Spike just smiled up at her, silently telling her, ‘It was my pleasure.’

Clearing her throat, Buffy said, “There’s more I have to tell you.”

She preceded to tell him everything that had transpired, including seeing him be staked, her rage and the fight following that, and the hurtful words the First had spoken to her. She ended with: “You were right. My emotions do make me stronger. I kicked some serious vampire ass after seeing you staked... And then later, when I realized it was the First, it was so awful, but I still held it together when I needed to.”

Her vampire smiled again. In some ways, it felt as though Buffy was truly alive for the first time since being raised from the dead.

They sat there for a moment in pleasant silence.

Yawning, Buffy broke the spell. “I think it’s about time we got some sleep.” Looking around, she saw some of the bedding. There was enough to make one pallet. Getting up reluctantly from Spike’s side, she brought the bedding over to where Spike lay and set it up there.

Carefully, she helped Spike onto it, sliding in after him. Buffy curled up as best she could against him, keeping carefully away from where he was injured. Besides the one time in the cave, after rescuing him, Buffy had never really allowed herself the luxury of relaxing here, by his side. Falling asleep with him was so pleasant.

Like a big teddy bear... or safety blanket. Yeah, that’s it; he’s my big safety blanket... she giggled softly at her thoughts as she drifted into sleep.

Spike followed her soon after. Being slashed, staked, thrown into a wall (at least, that’s how he presumed he got his concussion), and dealing with his love’s emotional outburst had drained him. But he decided that, all in all, that night had been a success.

******

Chapter 25: Talk of Spike

**********************************************************

Despite how tired they both were, Spike and Buffy managed to get up before the troops could arrive for their ‘rescue.’ They agreed that it’d be easier to go out the hidden passageway, given their injuries.

Appearing above the cave with ropes, ready to extricate the Slayer and the vampire through a sufficiently large hole in the cavern’s roof, the Scoobies were alarmed upon realizing that their friends weren’t there. However, just before they had begun to truly panic (Willow already setting up a locater spell), the two in question emerged from the woods. The slash on Spike’s side had opened up on their way, and Buffy had to patch him up again.

After many loud exclamations were made on the part of the Scoobies, the whole group headed home, Buffy insisting that explanations could wait until they had Spike properly bandaged up.

She kept close to his side the whole way home, supporting him whenever he needed it. They had to hurry a bit, to beat the oncoming dawn.

Spike privately admitted that it was a good thing that Buffy had fed him her blood; as it was, the going was tough, and without that powerful Slayer blood in his system, he feared he would have passed out. Thankfully, he was able to wait until he was safely back at the house and in Buffy’s room (where she insisted he stay) before collapsing.

Once he had been taken care of properly, Buffy met with the core Scoobies in the basement.

“So, what happened?” Dawn asked worriedly. Since the idea had originally been hers, she felt somewhat responsible for whatever had happened to her sister and surrogate big brother.

Buffy sighed. “It’s a bit of a long story...”

She went on to tell all of it, leaving out only some of the most private, personal things. However, she did admit to her emotional breakdown, though she gave no details. It was much harder for her to talk to this group about her problems than it had been with Spike; but after her revelation the night before, the Slayer had decided it was time to open up. And if she couldn’t trust the Scoobies, who could she trust?

The Scoobies were quiet when she finished. Anya, blunt as ever, asked the question that was on everyone’s mind: “So, are you and Spike back together? Should we be expecting loud noises coming from your bedroom from now on?”

Buffy, a bit nonplussed by Anya’s statement, started to open her mouth to vehemently deny her having any feelings towards the ensiled vamp, just out of habit. For once, she thought before she spoke, and closed her trap.

The Scoobies all stared at her curiously. If Buffy hadn’t known better, she would have guessed by their facial expressions that they were hoping for a ‘yes!”

Trying to be honest, Buffy told them, “I don’t know. I don’t think so...”

Disappointment was on all of her friends’ faces, especially Dawn and Willow’s.

Despite what she thought she was reading from her friends’ expressions, Buffy needed to be sure. “Would you all be ok with it if we were together?”

Everyone nodded, Dawn practically jumping in her seat in her eagerness.

The Slayer looked around in amazement. “This is just so... wow... a change... Giles, not that I’m complaining, but I’m surprised that you would condone me having another relationship with vampire.”

To Buffy’s surprise, Giles didn’t start cleaning his glasses. Instead, he leaned forward, looking earnestly at the girl he regarded as if she were his daughter. “Buffy, circumstances here are completely different than they were with Angel. For one thing, you’re much older and more responsible now; for another, Spike chose to have a soul- which to me, is absolutely incredible. Especially since I know what he went through to get it, as I had him describe his trials for him so I could transcribe them into my Watcher journals. And I... I can’t tell you the source for this, but I believe that Spike with a soul may be just what you need, what you deserve.”

Giles thought back to what Spike had told him...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Giles rubbed his eyes wearily. He’d written down all of what Spike had told him so far, including how he found out about this demon in Africa, his travel there, and most importantly, the trials. Dear Lord, the things he faced...

As a Watcher on the Hellmouth, Giles had seen many horrible things; as the Ripper, he’d done many horrible things. But he was still shocked at Spike’s tale...

“....So then the demon says somethin’ bleedin’ stupid an’ obvious, like ‘You’ve endured the required trials.’ ”

Giles snapped back to the real world, focusing on Spike. “Yes, right, let me just get this down...” He scratched hurriedly in his notes. “And then?”

“Lemme think... I said somethin’ like ‘Bleedin’ right I have.’ ” Spike snorted. “Wanker...”

Giles was confused. “Wait, you said ‘Wanker’ to this demon?”

“No, Rupes, I just said the bleedin’ right part,” Spike said, rather shortly. He was getting tired of this, especially since these weren’t memories he cared to be drudging up.

“All right,” the Watcher said, “Please continue.”

“Uh... right.” Spike looked away, slightly embarrassed as he remembered his sappy-sounding wording. “So then I say to the demon, ‘So you'll give me what I want. Make me what I was. So Buffy can get what she deserves.’ ”

Giles looked at the ensiled vampire interestedly. “Really? That was your exact wording?”

Spike shrugged. “Yeah, I think so... Look, th’ sun’s set, I’m leavin’.”

While Giles wished to discuss what exactly Spike had meant by what he said to the demon, he knew better than to try and keep the vampire. Which was just as well, since the vampire in question was already out the door.

But the vampire’s tale had given Giles much to think about. Like wish-granting, the way these things worked was by what the demon did with your words, not what you meant.

Spike’s first two sentences were rather ambiguous. But the third was less so. Spike with a soul is what Buffy deserves? Ridiculous... and yet...

The idea had stuck with him, often remembered as he watched his Slayer and the vampire interact.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Giles was pulled back to the present by the Scoobies, who were offering their own approving comments of Spike.

Dawn piped up. “Yeah, and he’s hot.”

Willow chimed in, saying, “And he’s smarter than you might think.”

Not wishing to feel left out, Anya added, “And, from what I remember, he gives lots of orgasms.”

Everyone cringed at the reminder of his and Anya’s tryst. To his credit, all Xander said was, “He’s a good pool player, too.”

Despite the fact that he’d already had his say, Giles couldn’t help but remind them that, “And, he’s British.” He had always felt a bond with the bleached blonde because of their shared nationality.

Buffy finally recovered from her initial shock. Her friends actually liked Spike!

“Wow... you guys.... um, thanks... I think I have some thinking to do... about stuff... If you’ll excuse me...”

Buffy wandered upstairs, mind busy with all that had been said.

*****

Alone on the back porch, Buffy pondered. What had Giles meant by Spike with a soul being what I need, what I deserve?

She thought more on that word, deserve, and back to all of what she’d done in the past to Spike, especially that past year. For the most part, she’d forgiven herself, but it was hard.

Do I deserve him? Maybe instead of him not being good enough for me, I’m not good enough for him...

But she quickly dispelled thoughts of that nature. She didn’t want to be hypocritical; she’d told Spike he needed to forgive himself, and she knew she had to do the same.

Buffy sunk her head onto her folded arms with a groan. She was getting a bit of a headache from all the stress, and decided she probably just needed some sleep... she’d call in sick today at work.

After grabbing one of the SIT’s and asking her to tell Giles that she was going to bed and he should call the school to let them know, Buffy headed up to her room.

She’d forgotten she had a sleeping vamp already in her bed. She paused momentarily, looking at Spike.

Do I love him? How do I know? I feel something for him, that’s for damn sure, but is it love? It’s different than it was with Angel, but does that mean it isn’t love? It’d be so nice to just, ya know, know, whether you were really in love with someone... how do I figure this out?

The Slayer groaned softly. Thoughts like this were what sent her rushing to bed in the first place.

Having changed into her pajamas quietly, Buffy crept under the covers and curled up next to Spike, resolving to figure out her feelings some other time.


**********

Chapter 26: Interlude with a Vampire (and a Slayer)

Spike awoke, aware of someone next to him. Glancing over, he saw Buffy, who was laying on her side, gazing at him.

He stretched a bit, wincing as his stake-wound pulled.

Turning his head to look at the Slayer, he murmured, “Hey.”

“Hey,” she responded softly.

“Whatcha doin’?” he asked, curious. She had a funny expression on her face, one he couldn’t quite figure out. And that look in her eyes...

“Thinkin’.”

“ ‘Bout what?”

“You. Me. Us.”

“There’s an ‘us’?” he asked, trying to keep his hope from showing, and failing miserably.

“That’s what I’ve been thinking about. Whether there is, or should be.”

Spike swallowed. He sensed that what they said in this conversation could determine what their future would be- or if they would even have a future together.

“And? Come up with any conclusions?” To his embarrassment, his voice cracked on the last word.

“A few.”

The vampire was growing a bit impatient. “Care to share with the rest of the class?”

Buffy sat up, back against the pillows, and looked away nervously. She couldn’t concentrate with his blue eyes looking at her, through her.

“Remember how I said something about leaving all the deep, serious stuff till after we avert this apocalypse?”

“Yeah,” he breathed softly. Had she changed her mind? On the one hand, the wait was killing him; on the other hand, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what she decided.

Firmly, Buffy said, “Screw that.”

Pushing away her nervousness, Buffy turned abruptly, leaned over, and kissed him, hard.

After a shocked moment, Spike kissed her back.

Needing to breathe, and wanting to stop things before they got too intense, she pulled back.

Spike regarded her warily. As great as that had been, he didn’t want any misunderstandings to get in the way this time; also, he needed reassurance that this was going to be about more than the physical.

So he asked cautiously, “What was that about?”

Buffy took a deep breath. She’d found that expressing herself verbally was often harder than doing so physically.

“It was my way of saying I’d like there to be an ‘us.’ ”

Spike just stared up at her, silent, unsure as to what exactly she meant by that statement.

She glanced down at him, wondering what he was thinking. Irrationally worried, she asked, “You do want there to be an us... right?”

Groaning, he sat up next to her so he could better face her. She helped him up as best she could.

Looking at her seriously, he said quietly, “Of course I do, Buffy. But I want to make sure this is an ‘us’ as in a relationship, not as in... well, not like whatever the hell it was that we had last year.”

Forcing herself to gaze directly into his eyes, Buffy said vehemently, “Of course not! That was... like you said, not a relationship. I want this to be completely and totally different... less about the physical, and more about all the other stuff.”

Relieved, Spike smiled at her -a real, genuine smile. “That’s what I’d like, too. It’s just that since your way of telling me you’d like there to be an ‘us’ was physical, I was worried that-”

Buffy cut him off. “Oh! No, no, sorry... you’re right, that probably was the wrong way to go about telling you. No, I mean...” With a giggle, feeling like she was back in middle school, the Slayer asked, “Spike, will you be my boyfriend?”

His smile grew at her words.

“Yeah, I think that can be arranged...” His grin faltered as something occurred to him. “On one condition.”

Worried, Buffy quickly gestured for him to continue.

“That everyone knows about ‘us.’ No more hiding, no more of me being your dark, little secret. ‘Cause I won’t do that, pet, I just won’t.”

To Spike’s surprise, she laughed. “Of course! I want you to ‘officially’ be my boyfriend, for us to be an item, a couple, sweethearts, going steady, -”

He joined her laughter as he cut her off. “All right, luv, all right! Point taken. Then yes, I would love to be your boyfriend.”

Smiling more broadly than she knew was possible, she asked almost shyly, “Spike? I know we said this wasn’t going to be all about the physical... but can I kiss you?”

In reply, Spike leaned forward, taking her face gently in his hands, and kissing her thoroughly.

Once again, she broke to catch her breath.

Unwilling to break this happy mood, but wanting to be certain that she was clear, Buffy once again turned serious.

“Spike, I need you to know that... well, I don’t know if I love you. Yet. I mean, I want to find out, and you’re so different now, and I’m so different, and everything’s so different-”

Spike cut off her babbling with a gentle kiss. Forehead resting against hers, he said, “Hush, luv, I understand, and that’s fine. I’m just glad you’re giving me - or rather, us - a chance.”

Buffy smiled at him, relieved that he understood. She thought back to a time, not so long ago, when she’d cursed his ability to know her so well, and decided she was definitely glad things had changed.

Closing what little space remained between their faces, they shared another gentle kiss.


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