After the End Has Come and Gone

Chapter 7:

When William woke again, Buffy was scrambling around the dark room trying to find her clothes. He was surprised at how much it hurt to see her sneaking out without saying anything to him. He knew he should be used to it, but a small part of him had been hoping that maybe, this time would be different. Any hope of that was squashed now.

"Taking off already, kitten?"

Buffy turned, startled. "William! I didn't know you were awake."

"You kept bumping into things. Kinda hard to sleep through that, pet."

"It's dark. I can't see."

"Why didn't you turn on the light?"

"I didn't want to wake you up."

"Well, there's a bit of irony for you."

Buffy laughed a little. "I didn't think it was a good idea for me to stay the night. Someone might see me coming out of your room in the morning."

"So it's back to that then."

"William, I…"

"It's all right. Not like I actually thought this was going to turn into anything. I wised up as far as that goes a long time ago." He propped himself up on an elbow, watching her as she tried to dress herself in the dark. "Turn on the light, Buffy. You can't see what you're doing."

"I don't want to."

William didn't think this could possibly hurt any more. He was wrong. Knowing that she couldn't even stand to look at him made the aching increase tenfold. He repressed the urge to beg her to stay, just a little longer. He couldn't go down that road, not again. "Right. So I guess I'll see you around then."

"We can talk tomorrow."

"There's nothing to talk about, Buffy," William said bitterly. "We had sex again—and again it was a mistake."

Buffy felt as if his words had physically hit her. "William…"

"What? Don't want me taking your lines?" William felt his hurt being quickly replaced by anger. It was easier that way. Anger was something he could deal with.

"No, it's…"

"Don't. I'm so sick of hearing you rationalizing this away. Just get your clothes on and go."

Buffy felt her lip quiver for a moment, but she pushed the tears back. "Fine," she snapped, finishing dressing. "And just so you know, this is the last time I make this 'mistake.'"

"Good!" William snapped back. "I'm tired of you anyway!"

"Well, that's just fine because I'm tired of you!"

Buffy stormed out of the room, only forgoing the slamming of the door because she didn't want to bring anyone out into the hallway to see what was going on. She started to go back home, but decided to head down to the kitchen instead. Her fridge was nearly empty, and she needed something comforting.

She found ice cream in the freezer with a post-it note reading "ANDREW'S!" in huge print. She pulled it off without a second thought, tossing it in the trash bin and sitting down with the ice cream in a spoon.

Buffy sat up straight when she saw the kitchen door open, then relaxed when she saw who it was. "Willow, hey. I'm glad it's you."

Willow looked over at her best friend and smirked. "Afraid I was Andrew come to reclaim his ice cream? You know, I don't know why he still bothers to put post-its on things. Not once in seven years has anyone ever stopped because he put his name on something."

Buffy took another bite of ice cream. "Well, by now it's just tradition, I think. So what are you doing in here? You're usually out of the main building by now."

"I was in here watching television on the big television in the rec room, and I fell asleep. But then I woke up hungry and figured I'd come in here and scavenge."

"Grab a spoon, and you can join me," Buffy offered.

Willow took her up on it, sitting across from Buffy at the island in the middle of the large kitchen. Buffy handed her the ice cream. "So what's up with Spike being here?" Willow asked as she took a bite.

Buffy looked down. "Can't we talk about something else?"

Willow frowned. "Buffy, is something wrong?"

Buffy looked up again, and Willow could tell she was about to cry. "Will, I think I did something really stupid."

"What?"

"I slept with him."

"Already?"

"Huh?"

"Well, I figured you would, I just gave it at least a couple of weeks. Kennedy said within twenty-four hours of him getting here. Damn, guess I lost." Another bite of ice cream.

Buffy took the carton back. "This is serious, you know. I mean, I want him so badly I don't know what to do. When I was leaving his room earlier I couldn't even turn the light on, because I knew as soon as I saw him I'd just get right back in the bed."

"So why didn't you?" Willow asked, reclaiming the ice cream. "I mean, if you want to, you might as well. You're both adults, and it's not like you have that whole vampire/slayer problem anymore. There's not really anything standing in your way."

"But things are still complicated," Buffy said with a sigh. "Last week I thought I was married. And those feelings I had for Clint, they seemed so real, Willow. They made me think I was happy. And now, I'm just confused."

"I guess Spike being back doesn't exactly help with you trying to sort through all that, huh?" Willow handed the ice cream back to Buffy.

"No. Now not only do I have to figure all that out, but I have to figure him out as well." She took a bite of ice cream, then set it down, letting out a deep breath. "Willow, it was amazing. It's totally different, being with him now that he's alive. It was always good, but this time, well, it was perfect. I'm not sure I can handle that right now."

"You can't handle perfect sex?"

"No. Like you said, there's nothing standing between us now, not really anyway. It's scary."

"It's more than just what happened to you in Texas that makes you afraid to jump into anything with Spike, isn't it Buffy?" Willow reached for the ice cream.

Buffy looked down a little. "Yes. When I'm with him, I know I could fall for him. Hard." She looked up, meeting Willow's eyes. "Like I fell for Angel kind of hard. So in love I'd crumble without him. I can't ever afford to do that again, Will."

"Buffy, love is about taking chances. After I lost Tara, I was afraid to get really serious with Kennedy. But I did. And it was the best decision I ever made."

"I don't know if it would be with him. I'm not sure we could ever make it work. I mean, yeah, I feel something for Spike, something very strong, but we've never really had a relationship built on anything but sex before. I'm not sure we could have anything else."

"You don't know until you've tried."

"I know, but…"

Willow cut her off. "Buffy, I can't say I understand what you have with Spike. But I do know there's something real there. I don't know why you keep fighting it, but as things stand, there's no point. Maybe a relationship between the two of you wouldn't work. But maybe it would. Throwing away anything the two of you possibly could have without giving it a try is a mistake."

"I don't want to get hurt."

"Look me in the eye and tell me that watching him walk out of your life again wouldn't hurt."

Buffy reclaimed the ice cream. "Why'd you have to go and make things all rational?"

"Because that's what best friends do. So are you going to make a go at it?"

"I'm not sure if he wants to. He called tonight a mistake."

"Buffy, honestly, it's Spike. Do you think he'd seriously turn down a chance to actually be with you?"

"He seemed pretty fed up with me earlier…"

"Pift. Just talk to him tomorrow. Tell him you have feelings for him, but you want to take things slow, see what happens."

"Willow, it's just not that simple."

"Why not? Why can't it be that simple?"

"Because it never has been! We'll just end up hurting each other all over again."

"It's been six years, Buffy. Things may have changed."

Buffy stirred the melting ice cream around with her spoon. "Things will never change with us. Spike and I, we just don't work."

"No, you're right. You and Spike don't work." Buffy started to say something, and Willow added quickly. "But maybe you and William do."

Buffy stood up. "No, we wouldn't. I can't…I can't do this. It's just all too much. I have to go to bed."

"Buffy."

"Good night, Willow."

Willow frowned as she watched her best friend leave the kitchen. "Good night."

*** *** ***

Once back in her own bed, Buffy couldn't sleep. The rational part of her brain kept telling her that being with Spike was dangerous. What they had couldn't be anything lasting, anything real. It was the kind of passion that burned hot, but quickly consumed until all you had left were ashes. She'd gone down that path with him too many times before. But another part of her was telling her to throw away her inhibitions over this and finally really give herself to him. She kept going back to what Willow had said, about how maybe she'd be able to find something with William that she never had with Spike. Could things be different now that he was different?

Still, Buffy knew that part of William had always been in Spike. She acknowledged now what she couldn't before—that he'd kept a spark of humanity even when he didn't have a soul. It was that spark that had drawn her to him time and time again, and, if she was being honest with herself, what made her love him. It had scared her, the way he'd looked at her with so much love in his eyes. He should've been a thing, evil and soulless, but in the furthest recesses of her mind, she'd known something else was there. She'd known it from the beginning, felt it when she'd seen the panic he'd felt the first time she'd threatened to stake Drusilla. Part of the man he'd been had never left, and Buffy had found it all too easy to fall for him, to want to pull that man away from the monster and hold him until the world fell away.

I have given, I have given and got none
Still I'm driven by something I can't explain
It's not a cross, it is a choice
I cannot help but hear his voice
I only wish that I could listen without shame

Let it rain, let it rain on me
Let it rain, oh let it rain
Let it rain on me

William lay in bed after Buffy left, staring at the ceiling. He could still smell Buffy all around him, their scents still mingled on his sheets. He could almost still feel her touching his skin, but every caress was soured by the memory of how quick she'd been to run away again. It seemed that even when he was human, he wasn't good enough for her. William got out of the bed, unable to stand being surrounded by her anymore. He ripped the sheets off the bed, tossing them across the room and as far away from him as possible. William felt like a fool to think that he'd ever be what Buffy wanted. He'd gone half way around the world to get a soul for her, and still, she hadn't loved him. Why would him being human make any difference?

William went into the bathroom, needing to wash her off of him. His entire body was stained by her touch, her smell, and he couldn't stand it. He stopped at the sink, catching a glimpse of his reflection. The face that looked back seemed to be mocking him, taunting him with all he wasn't. He was just William. Pathetic, weak, and useless. For so long his reflection had been hidden from him, and now he was faced with the stark reality of it all. Underneath the loud music, leather coats, and bleached hair he would never be more than William, the Bloody Awful Poet. He hated what he saw. No wonder, Buffy doesn't want you, you miserable git. William reached up, smashing the mirror with his fist. But his reflection kept staring back at him, broken but still taunting.

I have been a witness to the perfect crime
I Wipe the grin off of my face to hide the blame
It isn't worth the tears you cry
To have a perfect alibi
Now I'm beaten at the hands of my own game

Let it rain, let it rain on me
Let it rain, oh let it rain
Let it rain on me

Buffy couldn't have what she wanted. She never let herself get that close, instead only allowing herself a taste of what he was, never allowing for gentle reminders that he was still human somewhere, deep inside. She told herself over and over that he was just a vampire, nothing better than those she would slay every night. But now, the monster was gone, leaving only the man in its place. Those soft, vulnerable eyes she'd caught looking at her for fleeting moments were there all the time now, begging her to finally accept and acknowledge what it was between them. Begging her to love him.

Buffy had told Angel once that she was "cookie dough," not finished baking. She'd told him that maybe, someday, she'd be ready for a real relationship. That had been before she'd become the mentor to a thousand slayers. She'd thought that once she'd begun to share her power, her burden, with so many that her life would be her own. But it hadn't happened that way. If anything, it was worse now, her every waking moment dedicated to making every one of those girls strong enough to face the darkness. Before, she'd been the center, the Chosen One. Now, she had to hold herself up for every other slayer, her status as the only slayer left who had ever been that One pushing her to the position of role model and leader for all the rest. She was like a general, with her army counting on her to bring them home safely. Even with the war that had raged in LA over, there was still so much fighting left to do.

It isn't easy to be kind
With all these demons in my mind
I only hope one day I'll be free…

Blood ran down William's fist and arm, dripping into the sink. The sight of it did nothing for him, and while he could still recognize the scent, it didn't call to him like it once had. He touched the cuts, then brought the finger to his mouth, tentatively licking the blood. The taste was metallic, a little salty, but nothing like it had once been. He could remember what blood had been to him before, how it had tasted better than anything else he could ever imagine. Now it was nothing, just like the rest of him.

William looked at the broken mirror again and laughed, a bit deliriously. He remembered only a few days ago that he'd broken the mirror in the hotel room, hating it for refusing to show his reflection and reminding him of what he'd then thought was why he could never be with Buffy. Now he knew the true reason why he could never have her. It had never been that he didn't have a soul or that he was a vampire, but just that Buffy didn't want him. She didn't want William. He thought back to years before, when she'd walked away from him in his crypt, using his real name to him for the first time. She'd known the man inside him then, had called him by name, and still he wasn't good enough. He understood that now. Like she'd said to him in the alley after he'd told her how he'd killed the other two slayers, he was beneath her.

I do my best not to complain
My face is dirty from the strain
I only hope one day I'll come clean

Buffy knew it would never stop. As long as there was breath in her body, she still had her duties as a slayer, and she couldn't let anything distract her from that, not even piercing blue eyes, revealing to her a haunted soul.

Rain, let it rain on me
Let it rain, oh let it rain
Let it rain on me

William sank down to the ground, letting himself cry for what he knew he could never have.

Let it rain…

*** *** ***

Dawn walked into her sister's house without knocking. "Buffy! Buffy, are you in here? Where are you?"

Buffy came out of the kitchen. "I was just making myself some breakfast. And don't you know how to knock?"

"Technically. Hey, I need to borrow a dress."

"A dress?"

"Yeah. I have a…" Dawn stopped. "Buffy, you look awful."

"Gee, thanks."

"Sorry, it's just that you look a little haggard. Rough night?"

Buffy shrugged. "I guess. I just didn't sleep very well."

Dawn frowned. "Still upset over what happened to you in Texas?"

"Yeah." Buffy smiled, not wanting Dawn to worry. "But I'll be back to my old self in no time, I'm sure."

"Have you talked to William at all? He seemed pretty down, too. Maybe the two of you could cheer each other up or something."

Buffy gave Dawn a stern look. "Come on. When have Spike and I ever cheered each other up?" Dawn started to say something, but Buffy cut her off. "So what's this about needing a dress?"

"Yeah, that. I need something nice, and I don't really have anything that fits the bill. I thought maybe you would."

"What's it for?" Buffy asked. Dawn looked away and mumbled. "Could you repeat that? I didn't quite hear you…"

Dawn sighed and looked up at Buffy. "Fine, it's for a date."

"A date, huh? What's with all the mumbliness? I know you date. Heck, I've even accepted the fact that you've most likely had sex—thought I don't ever, ever want to hear about it."

"It's just, well, I really like this guy, and, um, I'm not sure you'll approve."

"I won't approve? What's wrong with him?" Buffy gave Dawn a mock-stern look. "He's not a vampire is he, because like I said that Halloween…"

Dawn cut her off with a laugh. "No. I'll leave the vampire dating up to the older Summers sister, thank you. No, it's just, well, it's someone you know, and, um… Oh fine, it's Andrew."

Buffy stared, her eyes bugging. "Andrew? Andrew? As in Tucker's brother?"

"He really hates it when you guys call him that. You know him a lot better than you ever knew Tucker."

"I know, I, um… Isn't he gay?"

Dawn rolled her eyes. "No." She looked back at Buffy, a slow smile crossing her lips. "I can tell you he is definitely not gay."

Buffy held up her hands. "Okay, this is one of those things I don't want to hear about. I'll lend you a dress on one condition."

"And what would that be?"

"You make sure it's thoroughly disinfected before you bring it back."

"Buffy!"

"What?" Buffy sighed dramatically. "Fine, I'll be nice about this." She gave Dawn a sideways glance. "You really like him?"

"I love him, Buffy."

Buffy blinked. "Love? Dawn, are you sure, I mean…"

"Yes, I'm sure. Look, I wanted to tell you, but you were gone, and then when you came back, things were sort of hectic, and I didn't know the right time. But I guess now is as good a time as any. And I really need a nice dress since tonight," Dawn smiled, "well, it may be the night, Buffy."

"The night?"

"Yes." Dawn smile grew. "I have it on fairly good authority that he plans to propose."

Buffy sputtered. "Propose?" She started to say the first thought that came into her head, but at the look on her younger sister's face, she changed her mind. "That's great, Dawnie! I'm happy for you."

"Really?"

"Yes, really." Buffy hugged Dawn. "You just tell me if he does anything to hurt you. I've kicked his ass before, and I can do it again."

Dawn giggled. "I will. So about that dress…"

"Hey, you can be proposed to in a borrowed dress. How much time until you're supposed to leave?"

"Oh, we're not going out until eight. I have tons of time."

"Then let's go shopping. I'll help you pick something out."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. It's been ages since we've spent any quality sister time."

"You don't have too much Slayer stuff to catch up on after being gone so long."

"Nah. You guys ran the show just fine without me. Give me, say, an hour to shower and change, and we'll head out."

"Sounds great," Dawn said, her smile huge. "I'll come back here in an hour."

Dawn left, and Buffy walked towards her bedroom, pondering how exactly her sister had ended up with Andrew Wells of all people. At least thinking about that took her mind of William…

*** *** ***

Buffy looked at Dawn from across the table outside the small café. "So how long has this thing with Andrew been going on?" Buffy asked, taking a bite of her salad.

"About eight months," Dawn replied. "Officially, anyway. I think we were moving towards it for a while, though."

Buffy blinked. "Really? I didn't notice. I mean, I knew you guys had starting being pretty good friends in Italy—nothing was going on in Italy, was it?"

"What, when you were busy doing god knows what with 'the Immortal?" Dawn rolled her eyes at the mention of Buffy's old flame.

Buffy groaned. "Please, don't ever mention his name. I have no idea what convinced me that little tryst was a good idea."

"I do," Dawn replied.

"Oh, really? Share your wisdom with me, oh enlightened one."

"Spike."

"Come again?"

"You were having a hard time getting over his sacrifice. You were grateful for what he did, knew it couldn't have been any other way, but you missed him. And it hurt—more than you wanted it to. So you let yourself get pulled into a relationship where you could have fun, loose yourself for a while. Granted, you didn't exactly pick the best guy for that, but hey, we all make mistakes." Dawn gave Buffy a small smile. "And as for Andrew and me back then, no. We were friends, yeah, but nothing more. It wasn't until I really started working with the Council that things…changed."

Buffy decided to let the conversation slip back to Andrew and away from the Immortal, although part of her was still mulling over what Dawn had said about her relationship with the Immortal really being about her trying to get over Spike. "When did things change? I mean, call me dense here, but I never exactly pegged you and Andrew for couple material."

"I'm not really sure when they changed myself," Dawn said. "It was just, well, one night, we were working late, trying to sort out the details on finding a new Slayer that had been identified. Anyway, we were sitting on the floor of my office eating dinner, when I looked at him, and I just knew—you know? All of the sudden, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I loved him."

"All of the sudden? Are you sure it's not…"

"A spell?"

"Yeah."

Dawn gave her sister a stern look. "No, it's not a spell. I've been under a love spell before—remember R.J.?"

"How could I forget him and his oh so dreamy letter jacket," Buffy said with a smirk. "But seriously, Andrew's been known to do some pretty crazy stuff in the past. And I like him too, these days, but…"

Dawn cut Buffy off. "In the past, Buffy. People change. None of us are the same as we were back then. And Andrew, he's a good guy. I love him." Dawn smirked. "And as for the spell, Willow insisted she check me out to make sure no one had been working any love mojo on me, even though I knew it felt too real to be anything else. She was just as shocked as you were when I told her."

"And you came out spell free?"

"Yes, Buffy."

"Well, as long as you're happy…"

"I totally am. Look, I know it seems weird, but Andrew and I, we just work. I don't know why, I don't know how, but we do." Dawn smiled knowingly. "Love doesn't always make sense. Sometimes you meet someone that at first glance doesn't seem like the person your friends would pick for you, or even who you'd pick for yourself, but when you stop and look at it, it's just right. Love is about who speaks to your heart."

Buffy met Dawn's eyes, and for a second, Buffy wondered if her sister was still talking about her relationship with Andrew or something else entirely. Could Dawn know? "I'm, um, glad you've found someone who speaks to your heart, Dawn. So are you about done with your lunch? We still haven't found a dress."

Dawn sighed inwardly, wishing her older sister wasn't so difficult. "Almost."

*** *** ***

Dawn turned around, letting Buffy get a glimpse of her from every angle. "So, how do I look?"

"Great," Buffy said, smiling warmly. "Andrew's gonna love it."

"He better, with that price tag," Dawn replied. She softly patted her hair. "It's all still in place, right?"

"Yes. You look perfect."

Dawn could hardly contain her nervous excitement. "I can't believe that by this time tomorrow I'll probably be engaged." Dawn jumped a little, letting out a happy squeal. Buffy smiled, the gleam in Dawn's eyes reminding her of the little girl her sister used to be.

Buffy hugged Dawn. "I'm really glad to see you so happy, Dawnie," she said. "You having a good life is the most important thing in the world to me."

Dawn pulled away. "I want you to be happy, too, Buffy."

"I am."

"Buffy, I know you probably don't want to talk about him, but William…"

"Am I interrupting anything?"

Buffy and Dawn turned around, seeing Andrew coming into the main hall where they stood. Dawn's entire face seemed to light up, and Buffy no longer doubted that her sister was truly in love. "No," Buffy said, grateful for the distraction from the subject Dawn was about to bring up. "You're not interrupting anything."

Dawn decided she could talk to Buffy about the former vampire some other time. "Are you ready to go?" she asked Andrew.

"Ready when you are," he said, returning Dawn's bright smile. He walked up to her, taking her hand. "You look…wow—you're beautiful."

Dawn straightened Andrew's tie. "You look pretty good yourself." Andrew blushed slightly under Dawn's attention.

Buffy gave the couple a mock-stern look, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "Don't you keep her out too late, mister," she said to Andrew shaking her finger. "And behave yourself."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Sure, Buffy, we'll be good."

Buffy smirked. "Somehow, I don't believe you when you use that tone. Have a good time, you two."

"Thanks, Buffy," Dawn said, linking her arm with Andrew's. "Good night."

"Good night," Buffy replied as Dawn and Andrew walked off. Buffy watched as the young couple walked away, their love obvious to anyone who cared to look. Buffy felt a twinge of guilt as she realized she was jealous of her sister.

Buffy walked back to her house alone.

*** *** ***

Sorry for the huge gap in postings, but I got caught up on my other fic.

I didn't get a lot of feedback on the last one, so I'm not sure if anyone's still reading this. Let me know if you are—there's no point in writing this if no one cares anymore!

Also, the song used is "Let it Rain" by Amanda Marshall.

Chapter 8:

Giles sat across from William, fidgeting uncomfortably. "So you think you know what did this to me?" William asked after a moment, breaking the uneasy silence.

"Yes," Giles said, predictably taking off his glasses and giving them a vigorous rubbing. "From the descriptions you and Buffy gave of both the demons and the ritual, I believe they were Vrognash demons."

"Never heard of 'em."

"Well, they're rare in this dimension. I'm not entirely sure why they were even here, other than that it appears that they were trying to establish some sort of community for themselves in Texas. They could've been refugees from their dimension, or the first wave of an apocalyptic attack. I have no idea, or any way of knowing."

"Can't we just go back there and beat it out of them?" William asked.

The glasses came off again. "I'm afraid not. The Council dispatched a small group of Slayers to survey the area shortly after you and Buffy arrived. They found nothing, no trace a town had ever even been there."

William slumped in his chair. "I guess that means there's no chance of them turning me back then."

Giles had almost replaced his glasses, but resumed his cleaning at William's statement. "Spike, even if they were still there, I believe returning you to the state you were before the ritual would be impossible. From what I have read, the Vrognash gain power by essentially draining it from other demons. In your case, they drained that power from the demon that resided in your body and made you a vampire. Presumably, that should've killed you, since without the demon, your body would've essentially been, well, a corpse. I can only assume that when Buffy ended the ritual prematurely, there was just enough demon left in you to keep you alive, yet not enough to allow you to remain a vampire."

"How human am I, Rupert? I know you ran a few tests when I first got here."

"From what I can tell, you are very much human, aside from the enhanced strength and senses. I have no reason to believe that you will be unable to live a normal, human life from here on out. Or, um, as normal as one can live under the circumstances."

"So there's no chance of me becoming what I was?"

"No."

"Bloody wonderful," William muttered under his breath. He stood up. "Been great chatting with you, Rupes, but I think I need to be on my own for a bit."

"Of course. Although I did want to ask you what your intentions are. Do you plan to stay here or…"

"Don't worry. I'll be out of your hair soon enough. You don't have to worry about me reassigning myself the position of Buffy's personal stalker or some such."

Giles chuckled slightly, but William could tell it was forced. "Good to hear. That you don't plan to stalk Buffy of course. As for you leaving, you're welcome…"

"Save it. I know what your feelings concerning me are. You don't have to claim otherwise."

"Spike, our past notwithstanding, you have done a lot of good over the years, and…"

"Yeah, good. Look, I'm not in the mood for a chat. I'll see you around."

William hurried out of Giles's office and back to his own quarters. In the back of his mind he'd been holding on to the small hope that the demons in Texas—the Vrognosh—could somehow change him back to the way he'd been. But they were gone, along with his only chance at being restored.

No...not your only chance… A voice in the back of his mind reminded William that there were other ways of becoming what he had been. He could…

"No," William said aloud. "I won't do that. I won't become that again."

William glanced wildly around the room. He could see his shards of his reflection in the shattered mirror, his own terror echoed back through the image. He hurried out of the room, hoping maybe some fresh air could help calm him. If he could feel the sunlight on him, then maybe it could remind him there were things worth living for…

Buffy came down the hall, almost running directly into William. She froze, staring up at him. They hadn't had a chance to talk since she'd left his room that night, and now she didn't know what to say.

William looked down at her, his eyes pleading. "Buffy…"

Buffy felt a sudden wave of fear. She couldn't let her defenses down with him again. She had too much relying on her to be anything but strong. "William, I have a training session I'm supposed to be in in five minutes."

"Buffy, please," William said softly. "I just need you to…"

"To what?" Buffy snapped. "I can't do anything for you, can't give you anything. Whatever we had, it's over, okay? The other night was a mistake. We need to just go on with our lives." She looked up at him and repeated the words she'd said to him years ago. "You have to move on."

William blinked. Buffy expected him to yell at her, or at the very least make some sort of sarcastic comment. But he didn't. He just nodded. "I understand."

His lack of response affected Buffy more than she ever realized it would. "O…okay then. I'll, um, see you."

William gave a terse nod and kept walking. He wasn't sure what he'd expected from Buffy. But he knew now. She never would love him. If he stayed as he was now, he'd simply rot away like any human, die cold and alone. He couldn't do that, couldn't face that emptiness.

"Where are you going?"

William froze, turning around slowly. Dawn. She was the one person he didn't want to face right now. "Out."

"Alone?"

"Yeah."

"Can I come with you? I wanted to talk to you."

"No!" William's sharp tone made Dawn step back a little, and he immediately regretted it. "Sorry, nibblet, it's just…where I'm going I need to be alone."

Dawn frowned. "Where are you going?"

"I can't say."

"You're not…you're not coming back are you?"

"Probably not."

Dawn fought back tears. Even before Spike had his soul, Dawn had seen him as her protector, her Champion. Seeing him like this, empty and broken, made her hurt. "William, let me help you."

"No. You…you can't. Only she can…"

"Who? Buffy?"

"No. Not Buffy. Only…" He stopped. "I have to go."

"Only who? Who are you…" Dawn stopped, her eyes growing wide as realization hit her. "You mean… William, no. Don't do it. I know this has been hard for you, but please. Please, don't do this." Dawn felt began to cry.

"I have to!" William replied. "You…you don't understand. This is too hard. I can't take it anymore. Buffy…Buffy she hates me."

"Buffy does not hate you. She's just…confused."

"I'm all alone like this, bit," William said, his voice sounding rough as if he was about to cry as well.

"No, you're not. You…you have me…"

William regarded her sadly for a moment. "You have your life to live, Dawn." He pointed to the diamond ring she now wore on her left hand. "Looks like you have another man in your life now."

Dawn shook her head, her tears making it hard for her to talk. "Please, William, don't do this. It's just all new. Give it time."

"I'm sorry," William replied. "I'm just not strong enough. Not anymore." He kissed the top of her head.

"No…" Dawn whispered, watching as he walked away. Dawn stood there for a moment before running up to the training room, bursting in. "Buffy!"

Buffy stopped in the middle of the instruction she was giving one of the newest Slayers. "Dawn, what are you doing? I'm working…"

"Buffy, it's important. It's William."

"What about him?"

"I think he's going to try to find Drusilla, have her sire him again."

Buffy paled. "Are you sure? Did he say…"

"He didn't say it exactly, but I could tell. Buffy, he looked…desperate."

Buffy turned to the woman beside her. "Kennedy, I need you to take over the class."

"Yeah, of course," Kennedy replied before focusing on the class, getting them to snap back to attention after the distraction.

Buffy left the room with Dawn. "What happened?"

"I saw him leaving. He was really upset, and he said something about 'her' being the only one who could help him now. I asked if he meant you, and he said no. The only person left, especially in his current state would be…"

"Drusilla," Buffy finished.

"Buffy, if he lets her make him a vampire again, he'll be just like he was before—no soul."

"I know," Buffy replied. She remembered how she'd treated him in the hallway and felt cold inside. He'd needed her then, and she'd only thought of herself. But hadn't that always been the way it was with them? Buffy felt sick, all the times she'd mistreated Spike suddenly rushing into her mind with blinding clarity. She had to find him, had to make things right. "Do you know where he was going?"

"No. He just…left."

"I'll…I'll find Willow, have her do a locator spell and try to pinpoint him. Drusilla could be anywhere. It'll take him a while to find her—if ever."

Dawn nodded. "Find him, Buffy. And when you do, don't hurt him again. You've put him through enough."

Buffy jumped a little at the menacing tone in her sister's voice. "I know. I'll…I'll make it up to him."

"I don't know if you can," Dawn replied. "Some damage isn't possible to repair."

Buffy looked down, not wanting Dawn to see the shame in her eyes. "I know."

"Go find him now," Dawn said. "If he goes through with what he's planning, I'll never forgive you."

Buffy didn't respond as she went to find Willow. She didn't need to. She'd never forgive herself either.

*** *** ***

William lay on a hotel bed, staring up at the ceiling. He hadn't wanted to stop—definitely hadn't wanted to stay in a hotel—but he had to. His human body got worn out too easily. He needed rest.

As tired as he was, he still couldn't sleep. Part of him was questioning the plans he'd made. He was taking the coward's way out, giving up before he even tried. But he didn't care. He'd told Buffy once that he'd come to redefine pain and suffering since he'd fallen in love with her, and that had never felt more true to him that it did right then. Ever since the chip, he'd changed, slowly becoming the pathetic shell he was now. If he could just go back, be what he was before he ever came to Sunnydale, then maybe it could all stop hurting…

William sat up abruptly when he heard a knock at his door. It was late, and he doubted it could be anything good, but he didn't care. Maybe whoever it was would just shoot him and end his torment. William blinked when he saw Buffy standing there.

"Can I come in?" Buffy asked.

William gave her a half smile. "Isn't that my line? Or it used to be at least… Yeah, come in."

Buffy stepped into the hotel room, and William shut and locked the door behind her. "I talked to Dawn," Buffy said.

"So what, you've come to try to talk me out of it to clear your conscience?"

"No. I've come to talk you out of it because I don't want you to do it."

"It's not your decision to make, Slayer."

"Don't you realize what you're doing? If Drusilla sires you again, you'll loose your soul. You worked so hard to get it…"

"Yeah, and a bloody lot of good it did me, too."

"Please," Buffy begged. "You've worked so hard to get to this point, defied your own nature and the odds to go from one of the most feared vampires in history to one of the most wonderful men I've ever known. Don't do this. Don't give up like this."

"Why shouldn't I?" William asked. "What does life have to offer me?"

"Love."

"What?"

Buffy took a deep breath. "I love you, William."

"No…no you don't…" William started to walk away.

Buffy grabbed him by the arms. "Yes, I do. Look at me. I love you. I meant it in the Hellmouth, and I mean it now. I love you. I love you so much…"

William looked at her, his eyes wide and tear-filled. Buffy felt her heart clench. "How can you love this, Buffy?"

"I just do. I tried to ignore this, tried not to accept how whole you made me feel, but I can't anymore. You were my soulmate before you even had a soul."

William let out a choked sob. He crumpled to his knees, and Buffy followed him down, holding him and murmuring soft words as she stroked the curls in his hair. "I'm sorry," William said after a while. "For…for what I was going to do."

Buffy pressed her lips softly against his temple. "It's okay. It's my fault for…for treating you the way I did. Come on. You need to rest."

William nodded, letting Buffy lead him to the bed. They slipped under the covers and into each other's arms, William holding her as if he was afraid she'd fade away.

Buffy smiled at his whispered "I love you, too," before drifting off to sleep.

*** *** ***

Buffy woke up wrapped in William's arms. He was awake, looking at her, apprehension in his eyes. "Good morning," Buffy said softly.

"Good morning."

"Are you wondering if I'm going to run off?"

"A little…" William said with a timid smile.

"You're not getting off that easily, mister," Buffy replied, moving closer to him. William let out a deep breath and kissed the top of her head.

"I was a little afraid you wouldn't be here when I woke up—that last night was just a dream."

"I'm here."

"I know. I can feel you. It's, well, bloody wonderful is what it is."

"Yes it is." Buffy was silent for a moment before saying quietly, "I missed you. All these years when we were apart, I missed you."

William almost pointed out that it was her fault for sending him away in the first place, but he bit his tongue. He wanted to leave his past with Buffy there, in the past. She loved him, and he was human. They could make a future. "I missed you, too, pet. I never felt deader than I did without you."

Buffy looked startled for a second before she began to cry. William frowned. "I'm sorry, Buffy. I didn't mean to make you cry. I…"

"No, I'm sorry," Buffy replied. "Yesterday, when Willow was trying to find you, I just kept going through all the things I'd done to you in the past, and I felt so guilty. You were the one who didn't have a soul, and I was the one who acted like a monster."

"I wasn't exactly a saint, pet. I did some fairly awful things to you as well."

"I drove you to them."

"No, you didn't. Besides, you were right—I was just an evil, soulless thing."

"No, I wasn't. And you weren't." Buffy noticed at some point during their conversation, William's gaze had wandered away from her face. "William, look at me. Please." William looked up hesitantly, his eyes holding the same uncertainty that seemed to have taken up permanent residence since he'd been made human. "You weren't just a thing. I…I wanted you to be, but you weren't."

"You wanted me to be?"

"Yes. The things you did, like protecting Dawn, and the way you loved me, I knew it had nothing to do with the chip, and part of me resented you for it, for being stronger than the demon inside you."

"Why?"

"Angel."

William stiffened at the mention of his grandsire. "What about the great poofter?"

"I…I used to wonder why if you could love me without a soul, why couldn't he? Even after you could hurt me without the chip going off, you didn't—not really. As soon as Angel lost his soul, Angelus came right for me, tormenting me, hurting everyone I cared about."

"I'm not like him, Buffy. I never have been. He was a git when he was human, and he's a git now."

"It's just, well, sometimes it felt like if you could love me with or without a soul, then maybe it meant that Angel never really loved me at all."

"Maybe he didn't."

Buffy looked at him in surprise. "What?"

"Look, I'm sure he loves you in his special Angel way, but, well, he's not exactly one for realism. He put you on a pedestal, made you into the ultimate reward for him once he'd managed to earn redemption, or some such rot. He loved the idea of you, the fairytale of the Slayer and the vampire with a soul. He never let himself really know you enough to love the real Buffy. He didn't know every part of you, pet—the dark along with the light. I did. I do. I love you all the more for it. And not some idealized sort of love either. What I feel for you is real. It's raw, and sometimes it stings a bit, but it's real. And that's why it could never go away. It's beyond fairytales and dreams of redemption. It's beyond having a soul or not. It's real."

Buffy stared at him, not sure what to say. "Angel…Angel loved me," she said after a moment.

"He loved the idea of you."

"There was more to it than that. You don't know what you're talking about."

William pulled back. "And what, Angel left you because he loved you?"

"Yes! He didn't want to hold me back. And the curse…"

"Bollocks! Angel left because if he could love you from afar, then he never had to love the real you. He could keep an image of you in his mind and just love that without any of the messy entanglements that come from a real relationship. You were unattainable. Made you safe for him to love. And then when you got too hard to be around, he put some distance between you so you'd keep being a safe bet."

"You don't have to belittle what I had with Angel out of jealousy or something."

"I'm not! Just stating what I thought was the obvious. But yes, I am jealous of Angel, jealous of how no matter what he does, you'll always defend him. Jealous of how even when he rips your heart out and tosses it at your feet, you look at him like he hung the bloody moon! I gave you everything I had, and you threw it back in my face. He breaks your heart a thousand times, and you just hand it back to him and ask for more."

"That is not true. Look, can't we just talk about something else?"

"Fine. We should head back anyway." William got up.

"We don't have to run off just yet," Buffy said. "We could spend some time here together."

William found his shoes, sat down on the bed, and started to pull them on. "I'm not in the mood."

Buffy scooted over so she was sitting behind him, wrapping her arms around his shoulder. "William, I'm sorry we started this morning off wrong. I don't want to fight with you, especially over this. Angel and I, we're the past. Whatever it was, it's not important anymore. You're who I want to be with, okay?"

"So if Angel walked through that door right now suddenly all curseless and wanting you, you wouldn't jump at the chance?"

"No! God, how could you ask that? Do you think I'd be here with you now if Angel was who I really wanted? I love you now. What I had with him is long over."

William turned around. "Buffy, I'm…"

Buffy got off the bed. "I want to go home now."

"Fine. Let's go."

The two of them walked out of the hotel, each getting into their separate cars and driving away.

*** *** ***

William was waiting for Buffy by her front door when she got home. He looked at her, his blond-tipped curls falling in front of expressive blue eyes. "I'm sorry, pet," he said softly. "I don't want to fight with you. Can…can we forget about that back at the hotel? Please? I just got you back. I don't want to lose you now."

Buffy wrapped her arms around him, resting her head against his chest. She felt William immediately return the embrace, his hold on her almost crushing. "You're not going to lose me. I've spent enough of my life without you."

"I love you, Buffy," he said, kissing the top of her head. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too." After a moment, Buffy pulled away. "Come on, let's go in."

William nodded and followed her inside.

*** *** ***

Chapter 9:

William stood in Buffy's living room, looking around, surveying the home she had made for herself. He'd never seen the place before, but it still seemed familiar, little touches reminding him of her.

Buffy walked in, stopping just past the doorframe and watching William. He looked up, smiling at her. "Nice home you have here, pet."

"Thank you," Buffy looked down, her good mood shifting to nervousness. "It could be your home, too. If…if you wanted."

William stared at her for a moment, unsure if he'd actually heard her right. "You want me to move in with you?"

"Uh huh."

"Are you sure? I mean, with our past…"

Buffy looked up sharply. "Don't you want to live with me?"

"Of course I do. I just want to be sure it's what you really want, too."

"It is. I love you. I want us to make a real life together, starting right now."

"I want that, too, Buffy—so bloody much."

Buffy went to him, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his chest. William's arms immediately went around her as he breathed in her scent. After a few minutes, Buffy looked up at him, her eyes shining. "Take me to our bed."

William smiled at her last two words. He'd never thought the day would come with Buffy would truly share anything with him, especially her bed. He picked her up, cradling her in his arms. "Which way, pet?"

"It's the room at the end of the hall, to the left," Buffy replied, nuzzling her face against him.

William carried Buffy into the bedroom, lying her down on top of the bed. She looked up at him, her green eyes hooded by heavy eyelids, and William didn't think he could possibly want her anymore than he did at that moment. Then she spoke.

"Make love to me, William."

William knelt beside her on the bed, gazing down at her. He couldn't believe that this was real, that he wouldn't wake up any moment to find himself alone. "I love you, Buffy."

"I love you, too."

Buffy's words filled him with emotion, and for a moment he felt like he would weep. He ran his hands down her body, then back up, stopping at the buttons of her blouse. He knelt down, placing a kiss on each bit of skin he revealed with every undone button. Buffy sighed, running her fingers through his hair. He sat up a little, slipping the blouse off her arms and pulling it from behind her before going down to remove her jeans, stopping only to take off her shoes before leaving her lying before him nothing but an emerald green silk bra and panties set. William stared at her, his gaze raising the temperature of her already overheated body.

"What are you looking at?" Buffy asked, her voice pertaining a husky tone.

"You. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

"You're just now figuring that out?" Buffy teased with a wink.

William chuckled. "I've always known. Just reminding myself, is all."

"So do I get to see you, or are you gonna have all the fun?"

William smirked, pulling back up to his knees again. "I'm right here, luv. You wanna see me…" He trailed off, wagging his eye brows.

Buffy sat up, kneeling in front of him. She pulled his t-shirt over his head, then kissed her way down his chest, mimicking what he'd done earlier when he'd unbuttoned her blouse. William trembled, the heat he'd felt the last time he'd been with Buffy rising in his body once more. She then pushed him back down on the bed, taking off his shoes and socks before slowly pulling off his jeans. She smiled at him. "Still not big on the underwear, I see."

William looked down at her, the desire Buffy saw in his eyes making her tremble. "Guess old habits die hard. Touch me, Buffy."

Buffy reached out, her hand shaking. Her fingers closed around him, and she heard William's sharp intake of breath. He was hot and pulsing against her palm, and Buffy found it strange to associate those sensations with him in her mind. But she'd have to now. He was alive now.

Heart beating…breathing…warm…

"Buffy…please…" William thrust his hips slightly, and Buffy realized that she become lost in her own thoughts for a moment. She leaned down and licked him lightly. His taste had changed too. Slightly, but enough for her brain to register he wasn't the same as before. She watched him as she slid her mouth on to him, his whole body tensing to keep from thrusting up the way he wanted to.

It had been years since Buffy had done this for him, yet she remembered everything he liked vividly. It wasn't long until his hips were moving, his hands tangled in her hair. With him, that had never upset her. She liked how easily she could make him lose control.

Suddenly, William was pushing her away. She looked up, confused. She could tell he'd been close, and she was more than willing to have taken things to their conclusion. "I don't recover like I used to, pet," William said, his words rough with passion. "Need to be inside you."

Buffy nodded. She needed that, too. "Want you, William," she whispered, lying back on the pillows. "Want you so bad."

William slipped off her panties, leaning down to kiss her softly between her legs. He moved back up her body, pausing to remove her bra as well. Buffy moaned as he pressed his lips once gently against each of her nipples. "William…please…" she begged.

"Anything for you, kitten," he whispered, lowering himself over her. He positioned himself against her entrance, looking down at her until her eyes opened. When her gaze was locked with hers, he thrust inside as he told her, "I love you, Buffy."

Buffy cried out, her hips rising up instinctually to meet his. "I love you, too," she whispered.

William made love to her slowly, wanting to express his feelings for her in a way she'd never really let him before. In the past, this act between them had almost always been just about the sex, but this time there was more. He smiled at her gentle touches and her soft words of love. This is what he'd always wanted, want he'd needed. For the first time since he'd become human, he was genuinely happy about it. Nothing could come between them now, he knew. They were in love, and now he could give her the one thing he never could have before. Something not even Angel could give her. He was someone she could grow old with.

Buffy smiled as she lay wrapped in William's arms. "This feels nice," she said, snuggling closer. "Nice and warm."

William kissed her brow softly. "My pensive Buffy! thy soft cheek reclined, Thus on mine arm, most soothing sweet it is."

Buffy looked up at him. "Did you write that?"

"I wish. It's Coleridge. And it's actually to Sara, but I figured now wasn't the time to be calling you someone else's name."

Buffy laughed. "No. It isn't."

William absent-mindedly stroked her hair. "Are we for real this time, Buffy?"

"Yeah. This time we're for real."

*** *** ***

"Buffy! I was wondering when you were going to come out and face the light of day." Dawn stood in front of her sister, giving her a knowing smile.

"Don't look at me like that," Buffy said, trying unsuccessfully not to blush. "William and I just had…some things to sort out."

"Uh huh. So you wanna gush?"

Buffy broke out in a grin. "Oh Dawnie, I don't think I've ever been so happy! Being with William makes me happier than I've been in so long. I love him so much."

"You know, you could've figured that out years ago and saved yourself a lot of heartache."

Buffy blinked. "Dawn…"

Dawn held up her hands. "Not trying to be a bitch. I'm just saying…"

"The past is, well, the past," Buffy said. "I can't undo anything I did before. Besides, William's not the same as he was before. I mean, he's human. I don't know how happy I would've been before—especially when he didn't have a soul."

"Buffy, you and I both know how much he loved you, even then."

Buffy looked down. "I don't want to think about any of that." She looked back up, smiling again. "I just want to be happy about now. Things are perfect."

"Perfect, huh?"

"Yep. It's been such a wonderful couple of days. I feel like I'm living some sort of wonderful dream, and I don't ever want to wake up."

Dawn smirked. "Sounds great."

"It is. And like I said, everything is perfect. So perfect in fact, that I think, just this once, nothing could ruin my happiness."

"Buffy?"

Buffy froze. That was a voice she'd never forget, but… Her smile faltered for a moment, then she forced it back, turning around. "Angel."

*** *** ***

"Hey, Spike, you in here?"

William looked up sharply. "Andrew? What do you want? And for the record, it's William now."

"Yeah, uh huh. Look, I just figured I better warn you."

"Warn me? Of what?"

"There's a certain old, um, friend of ours that's just arrived. Word is he's looking for Buffy."

William felt his stomach flip. "This 'friend' wouldn't happen to have a rather prominent brow, would he?"

"I take it you know of whom I speak," Andrew said with a nod.

"Yeah. Why is he here?"

"I don't know," Andrew shrugged. "It could be nothing. He's stopped by a few times over the years—y'know, to check in on things, make sure the Slayer Army doesn't need his help with anything. I just figured I should give you a heads up, so Buffy doesn't come in all 'I talked to Angel' and throw you off guard, cause that could get nasty, and I'd hate to see you two crazy kids get all messed up now."

William shoved his hands in his pockets. "Thanks for coming to tell me, but I'm sure it's no big deal. Buffy and I—we're happy now."

Andrew could see the nervousness in William's expression and body language, despite his self-assured words. "All right. Like I said—just wanted to give you a heads up. Look out for you and all. I mean, if you and Buffy are getting serious, then, well, we're practically brothers."

"What?"

"Oh, yeah, I guess with the whole you running off thing, followed by the fact you and Buffy haven't left her house in like two days, no one filled you in. Dawn and I are getting married."

Andrew would've laughed at the expression William got on his face if he wasn't sure that, vampire or no, he could still kill him with his bare hands. "You're the guy Dawn's marrying? No wonder I'm human, and Buffy loves me. This is Bizzaro World."

"You can give me a big-brother style 'if you hurt her' speech if you want, but you don't have to. If I ever did anything to hurt Dawn, I'd kill myself, so you wouldn't have to worry about it."

William chuckled a little, trying to force his brain to accept the fact that Dawn and Andrew were actually a couple. It wasn't easy. "There's something about those Summers women. Once they've captured your heart, that's it for you, mate."

"So I've noticed." Andrew smiled. "But I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't know what I did to get so lucky, but I'm certainly not going to turn my back on it. Dawn makes me feel like no other person I've ever been with ever has."

William ruffled Andrew's hair. "Well, I guess as long as you promise to never ever give me any sort of details that would disturb me, you two have my blessing. Oh, and consider that 'big-brother style' speech given." William punctuated his last sentence with a warning glare.

Andrew nodded. "Thanks. And you might want to tell Dawn that, too. She's been nervous about telling you—afraid you'd go all wookiee on me and rip my arms from the sockets."

"Tempting as that may be at times, I promise your arms are safe."

"That's nice to know," Andrew said with a tiny grin. His expression sobered again. "Hey, I should get going. I'm supposed to be helping Giles catalog Watcher files."

"Sounds fun."

"Yeah. The kind of fun that makes you want to kill yourself. See you around, Spike. Or William. Or whatever."

"See you, Andrew. And thanks for telling me about Angel."

Andrew nodded, then left.

*** *** ***

"Hello, Buffy."

Buffy stood, staring at her former lover in shock. After spending the last couple of days in William's arms, Angel was the last person she expected to see. "Angel! What are you doing here?"

"You don't seem happy to see me."

"It's not that, it's just…" Buffy let out a deep breath. "I wasn't expecting you."

"Seems like quite a few 'unexpected' things have been going on around here," Angel replied. Dawn cleared her throat, and both Angel and Buffy whipped around, making it obvious that they'd forgotten Dawn was even there. Angel gave her a small smile. "Uh, hi, Dawn."

"Hello. I would say it's nice to see you again, but honestly, it's not."

"Dawn!" Buffy said, looking at her sister in surprise.

Angel held up a hand. "No, Buffy, it's all right. I know I've never really given Dawn a reason to like me."

"There's the understatement of the year," Dawn muttered.

"Dawn, could you maybe let Angel and I talk in private?" Buffy asked.

Dawn looked at her sister, skeptically. "Buffy…"

"Dawn, please." Buffy said, rubbing her forehead.

"Fine," Dawn replied. "I'll see you later, Buffy." Dawn gave a warning glare to Angel before walking off.

"I don't think she ever got over the betrayal of me becoming Angelus," Angel said quietly.

"I don't think a lot of people did."

Angel looked up sharply at Buffy. "Buffy, I…"

"Look, you didn't come here to drag that up," Buffy said, cutting him off. "What's the deal, Angel?"

"Spike. I hear he's human."

"Wow, news travels fast."

"How'd it happen?" Angel asked. "Was it the…"

"Shanshu Prophecy?" Buffy finished. "I don't know. You know how vague those prophecies can be. But it wasn't some mystical whammy from the Powers that Be if that's what you're asking. He had most of his demon sucked out by some other demons, and it made him human—more or less."

"Most of? More or less?"

Buffy sighed. She wasn't in the mood to have this conversation with Angel, but she knew he wouldn't just let it go. "He still has some remnants of his vampiric abilities. Strength, speed, agility, heightened senses. Not to the degree he once did, but still better than the average human. But he also has a reflection, doesn't drink blood, can touch a cross, and is perfectly free to get a tan if he wanted. We haven't tested the holy water, but I'm pretty sure he's good there, too."

"And you're all just accepting this?"

Buffy blinked. "What?"

"He's not a vampire, but he's still something more than human. How do you know these demons didn't replace his old demon with something new? He could pose a threat, Buffy."

"William isn't a threat to me, or to anyone else here."

"You can't know that for certain. And 'William?'"

"Yes I can." Buffy crossed her arms in front of her. "And it's his name."

"I don't like this, Buffy. If there's one thing I've learned in over two centuries of existence, it's never take anything at face value. For all you know, there could be some sort of horrible demon getting ready to take him over, or hatch, or something."

"Angel, that's ridiculous. We were held captive by Vrognash demons, who happen to ritualistically suck power out of other demons. They started doing it to Spike, and I stopped it before it killed him, but after he had too little demon in him to be a vampire. End of story."

"That's too simple, Buffy."

"You weren't there, Angel. Fighting those demons, saving Spike, it wasn't simple." Buffy looked down. "I spent a year being brainwashed by them, made to think I was part of this little town they had set up for themselves. There was nothing 'simple' about that at all."

"They're brainwashing demons? All the more reason not to trust what's happened to Spike, Buffy."

"Look, I've spent a lot of time with Spike—William—since the change, and…"

"Oh, have you?" Angel cut her off, looking down at her sternly. Buffy shifted uncomfortably.

"He felt really lost after, after what happened," Buffy said. "I wanted to be there for him." She winced inwardly, knowing she was avoiding telling Angel the truth. She wasn't sure she could look her first love on the eye and tell him she was with Spike now.

"There for him like you've been in the past?"

"It's none of your business, Angel," Buffy said softly.

Angel sighed. "Look, Buffy, I'm sorry I'm being so harsh about this. It's just—well, I worry about you. A vampire being turned human again isn't one of those things that happens every day. Sure, it could just be that Spike got lucky, but it could be something bad, too."

Buffy bit her bottom lip. "I know."

Angel reached up, cupping Buffy's cheek in his hand. "I'm going to stick around here for a bit, just in case…"

"Angel, that's not…"

Angel spoke louder, causing Buffy to grow silent again "Just in case things do get bad. Odds are they won't, but I want to be satisfied that everything's okay before I leave you in a potentially dangerous situation."

Buffy knew she should tell him that she didn't need his help; that she could handle things just fine, and there was nothing wrong with William. "Okay."

Angel smiled at her as he dropped his hand. "Thanks. I know I'm probably being overly paranoid, but I'll just feel a lot better seeing everything for myself."

"I understand."

Angel surprised Buffy by enveloping her in a tight embrace. "I've missed you, Buffy."

Buffy froze before returning the gesture. "I've missed you, too."

*** *** ***

William was sitting on the couch when Buffy came home. "So did you talk to Peaches?"

Buffy looked at him, startled. "How did you…"

"This place is full of gossips," William replied. He frowned. "Buffy, is everything all right? He didn't cause a scene about us, did he?"

"I, um, actually didn't tell him about that."

"Oh." William was silent for a moment before asking, "Didn't have a chance to?"

"No. I did, I just…"

"Didn't."

"Yeah."

"But you're going to?"

"Maybe. Probably. Later."

"Buffy…"

Buffy sighed, sitting down on the other end of the couch. "William, it's not that I'm ashamed of us, or anything like that. It's just, well, Angel's wigging on the whole you being human thing. He thinks that the Vrognash could have put something evil in you."

"Yeah, because replacing a demon with something evil, that makes sense," William snapped. "Please tell me you told him to sod off."

"Not exactly…"

William looked at her, wounded. "Do you think he's right?"

"No! God, William, I swear I don't. Please, don't think that. It's just, well, you know Angel and how stubborn he can be. He said he wants to stick around for a bit, make sure for himself that nothing bad has come from you being human again."

"And let me guess, you threw open the door to the guest room for him."

Buffy looked down at her hands. "Once he sees that everything's okay, he'll be satisfied and leave."

William took a deep breath, preparing to ask the question he needed the answer for, but didn't want to voice at the same time. "And while he's here, what about us?"

Buffy didn't look up. "I was thinking we'd play things down for a bit. Maybe you should, um, postpone officially moving in with me."

William said nothing, only standing and walking towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Buffy called after him.

"To go stay away from you like a good little boy until daddy goes home," William snapped.

"Dammit, Spike, don't do this."

William wheeled around at her use of his former nickname. "What do you want me to do, Buffy? Pretend I'm thrilled at the fact that you don't want to be with me while your precious Angel is around?"

"That isn't it! I just don't want any more complications with him than there are already."

"What about loving me, Buffy? 'Soulmate before you had a soul.' What was that? Just a something pretty to say to keep me from running off to find Drusilla?"

Buffy jumped up. "No! I love you! I just…" Buffy sighed. "Please, can you just do this for me?"

William closed his eyes, clenching and unclenching his fists once. "Fine."

"I'll make it up to you after he's gone, I promise."

"Whatever." William turned to walk out again.

"Are you mad at me?" Buffy asked softly.

"What do you think?"

"I don't want you to be mad at me."

"One of us is going to be mad at you, Slayer—either me or Angel. You made your choice of who you want it to be."

"William…"

The only response Buffy got was the slamming of the door. She went back to the couch, flopping down.

"Well, shit."

*** *** ***

Chapter 10:

It was the first time since he'd become human that William felt anything like Spike again.

And he wanted to hurt something.

Preferably a certain prominently-browed vampire.

William sat down on a bench outside, hoping he could find some comfort in the sunlight coming down on him. At least that was something his grandsire would never have. But that small victory was a hollow one. What did it matter if he could sit in the sunshine if he couldn't share it with Buffy?

William didn't know why exactly it surprised him that Buffy had pushed him away so quickly when Angel had showed up. If anything, he felt like an idiot for believing things would actually be good between them.

What kind of fool had he been to believe that Buffy would actually be happy with him now? Had he honestly thought that being human would make a difference to her? Nothing ever had in the past. He'd tried to change. He'd gotten a soul. It had never been good enough.

Now Angel, he could get away with anything. He could do things worse than Spike could even dream off, and Buffy would just forget about it; brush it off as if Angel and Angelus weren't the same person.

But with Spike, it never made a difference. Soul or no soul, vampire or human, everything he'd ever done was unforgivable. Angel could put Angelus behind him, but Spike would always be nothing more than the vampire who'd rolled into Sunnydale years ago hell-bent on killing his third Slayer.

He wondered if he should just leave then. Concede to the better man and let Buffy live her life without him. After all, Angel was the Champion—Buffy's first and truest love.

That thought made Spike jerk up. What was he doing? Ever since he'd become human, he'd let himself fall right back into the same thought patterns that had made William the Bloody Awful Poet so pathetic. What made Angel better than him? Nothing. So he'd had a soul first. What did that matter? He'd been cursed for inflicting unspeakable horrors on a young girl. That made him somehow worthy? And on top of that, he'd spent the first part of his soulful existence living in filthy alleys feeding off rats. Spike had helped advert two Apocalypses before the soul, and two shortly there afterwards. And his soul had never been a curse. It had been a choice—one he made for love. Angelus certainly couldn't claim that.

Spike stood, walking back towards Buffy's house. Human or not, it was time for the Big Bad to make his presence known once again.

*** *** ***

Buffy jumped up when the door to her house flew open. She gasped as the peroxide blond former vampire strode in, all sexuality and swagger. "Spike?" she squeaked, her voice barely able to function.

"We need to have a little chat, Summers."

Buffy felt her stomach flip. What had happened to the timid, sweet William who'd been in her bed for the past couple of days? This wasn't him. This was the man who'd fucked her until a building had come down around them. This was her Spike. She tried to force herself into an easy stance, though she could tell from the glint in his eye that he could still sense her nervousness. "So talk."

"I'm through with this."

Buffy's eyes widened, and for a second she wasn't sure she could breathe. "What?"

"I've had enough. From the beginning, I've been nothing more than your loyal dog, yappin' at your heels, desperate for a scrap. Well, I'm done. Your games, your lies, I'm sick of it all. You wanna hide whatever it is we had from Peaches, fine. Go ahead and be ashamed, Slayer. It's your problem, not mine. Not anymore."

"Spike, wait, I…"

"No. I don't want to hear anything you have to say. I've always been your dark secret, Buffy, and I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to love you in the dark and then let you treat me like the dirt beneath your feet in the day. I'm a man now—not a monster. And if you really want to be honest about it, I've always been better than your precious Angel. But it doesn't matter anymore, cause I'm done."

Buffy didn't know whether to yell at him or burst into tears. She settled for both. "Fine! Go then!"

She expected something more from Spike. A sneer, a quip, anything. She didn't get it. Instead, he just turned, walking out her front door. Buffy fell to her floor in a heap, sobbing.

*** *** ***

Buffy was still crying when Dawn found her an hour later. Dawn stood in the doorway, hands on her hips. "Let me guess—you did something stupid and chased William off—again."

"Spike," Buffy whimpered.

"And it's Spike again. That man really needs to make up his mind on what he wants to be called."

Buffy shook her head. "He didn't tell me to start calling him Spike again, it's just, well, that's who he was when he came in here. He…he was so mad, Dawnie. And…and he left me!" The last sentence was punctuated with a wail as the sobbing began anew.

"Oh for the love of all things holy…" Dawn muttered. "And I'm the younger one here. Buffy, what happened?

"I…I told him I didn't want Angel to know about our relationship. He…he left, and then he came back and told me he was tired of being my dirty secret, and it was over. I didn't mean it like that, I just, I didn't want to have to put up with Angel being a jerk about the whole thing. He can be so difficult sometimes, and it wasn't something I felt like handling."

"And did you consider Spike's feelings in all this?"

Buffy looked down. "No."

"Now, seeing as I apparently got all the brains in the family, I'll tell you where you went wrong. Spike, William, whoever he is this week, is still hurt from how you used him before. Therefore, you telling him that Angel—Angel of all people—couldn't know about the two of you was like rubbing salt in the wound. He's insecure about this, and you just basically screamed that all that insecurity was validated."

Buffy traced a swirl in a panel of wood on her floor. "Oh."

Dawn rolled her eyes. Her sister could be so pathetic sometimes. "Do you get it now?"

"I think so."

"What are you going to do?"

Buffy looked up timidly. "Let Spike know I love him, and I'm not ashamed of him?"

"And?"

"And?"

"Yes, and."

A sigh. "And tell Angel that I'm with Spike now."

Dawn clapped slowly. "Very good. Now get up before Spike gets away—again."

Buffy rose shakily to her feet. "Do you think he'll forgive me? He was really mad…"

"Do you know him at all?" Dawn asked. "That Big Bad thing, it's all talk. You convince him that it's worth it this time, and he'll be your hot little love slave in no time flat."

"Dawn!" Buffy exclaimed. "Don't say things like that!"

"What, 'hot little love slave?' Come on, Buffy, I'm a grown woman. I have sex all the time." She gave her sister a wicked grin. "With Andrew. Hell, just last night…"

"Ahh! Stop! This is your way of making me hurry out of here, isn't it?"

"Is it working?"

"Big time."

Dawn smiled. "Then shoo. You got some major groveling to do."

Buffy started out the door, before turning around, giving her sister a hug. "Thank you. For finally making me see the light."

Dawn hugged back. "I just gave you the final nudge. Probably wouldn't have taken so long to sink in if you didn't have the hardest head in the world."

"Hard head, huh? Must be a Summers trait."

"Stop stalling and go get your man. Unless you want to here about what I did in the utility closet on the third floor…"

"NO! I'm going!"

Dawn smiled as she watched her sister run off. "Maybe those two will work it out after all," she said with a chuckle before going to the kitchen to see if Buffy's fridge had anything worth raiding.

*** *** ***

Spike groaned as he walked into the garage, finding Angel looking over the fleet of cars the Watchers had acquired. "Shoulda known you'd be in here, Peaches. You've always been a sucker for a shiny ride."

Angel didn't turn to look at the other man. "Spike."

"You know, you could show a little more courtesy. Doesn't helping you save the world at least grant me some civility?"

"This is civility."

"No, it's you acting like a big spoiled baby because Spike's human now and you're not."

Angel and Spike both whipped around as Buffy walked into the garage. "Buffy?" Angel asked in surprise.

"Yep. Look, Angel, we need to talk."

Spike felt a whole new wave of pain hit him. Was Buffy going to tell Angel she still had feelings for him while Spike stood right there and watched? "I'll…I'll just be going," Spike said.

"No, you won't," Buffy said, grabbing Spike's arm. "You need to hear this."

"I really don't want to."

"Yes, you do. Trust me." She slipped her hand from his arm down to link her fingers with his. Spike looked at her in surprise.

Angel glared at the blond couple's entwined fingers. "Buffy, what is this?"

"I'm in love with Spike. And before you say anything, I want you to listen. No, it's not just because he's human now, and yes, I know what I'm doing. I've loved him for a very long time, and the only thing that kept us apart was stubbornness and stupidity. But I've done some growing up since then, and I've realized exactly what he means to me. Spike is the one man in my life who has stood by me no matter what, and one of the few people to truly love me unconditionally." Buffy smiled, recalling something Spike had said to her years ago. "He's seen the best and the worst of me, and he knows who I am. He loves me—all of me—in a way no one else ever has, not even you. And I love him, too. I look at him now, and all I can think is how proud I am of all he's done to get where he is today. He's the only person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with."

Angel stared, his mouth falling open and closing several times before he spoke. "You're…you're serious about this? You actually love Spike? You do realize who you're talking about, don't you?"

"Yes, Angel, I do," Buffy snapped. "I know exactly who Spike is. You're the one who needs to learn a few things about him."

"Buffy…"

"No. I'm not sixteen anymore. You're not part of my world. I've grown up, and I've outgrown the love I felt for you. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is."

Angel scowled. "Fine. But don't expect me to help you patch things up when you find out what he really is."

"What, you mean if he suddenly goes psycho and starts trying to kill all my friends and their pet goldfish? Oh, wait—that was you."

Angel looked at Buffy with hurt shock for a moment before the scowl returned. "I hope you two are very happy together," he spat before going back inside the main building.

Spike looked down at Buffy, her hand still in his. "Did…did you actually mean that?"

"Well, yeah. Sorry for being such a bitch earlier. What I was asking of you was completely out of line and unfair to you. I made a snap decision to keep myself from having to deal with something potentially difficult, and I didn't consider your feelings in the process. That was wrong of me, and I'm sorry."

Spike pulled his gaze from her, and began to glance frantically around the garage, as if searching for something. "What are you doing?" Buffy asked.

"Looking for pods."

Buffy smacked his arm. "Stop it. This is the real Buffy." She winked. "I'm not even robot Buffy."

Spike groaned. "Please, don't go there."

"What, don't want to be reminded of some of the lamer wild and wacky adventures of Spike?"

"Not really."

Buffy giggled. "You're cute when you're sulky."

"I'm not sulky."

Buffy smiled. "Yes you are." She reached up, stroking his face. "I love you."

"I'm not sure I can believe that, Buffy…"

"Oh no, we are so not going there again. Do you have any idea how much your little stunt in the Hellmouth pissed me off? 'No you don't but thanks for sayin' it.' Grr. You wait how long for me to finally say that, and when I do you can't even believe it? You're infuriating, you know that, don't you?"

Spike smiled slightly at that. "I'm only infuriating 'cause you are."

"See, there you go again."

Spike moved closer to her, wrapping his arms around her hips. "So you love me, huh?"

"Yep."

"Why?"

"'Cause you're the one."

"I thought you were the one."

"You're the one for me," Buffy said softly. "Sorry it took me so long to realize it."

"Better late than never, I guess. So no more keeping this in the shadows?"

"Nope. I'll stand on the rooftops and scream it to the world. Wear a shirt that says 'Spike's Girl.' Anything to prove to you I mean this."

"How about kiss me?"

Buffy grinned as she stood on tip toe and captured his lips. That was something she could definitely do…

Epilogue:

It must have been cold there in my shadow,
To never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way,
You always walked a step behind.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look, luv?"

Buffy smiled, resting her head on Spike's chest as they slowly moved to the music. "Several times, actually, but you can say it again."

"You look beautiful," he purred in her ear. "You've made me the happiest man alive."

So I was the one with all the glory,
While you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name—for so long,
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

"I'm happy, too, William," Buffy said, feeling tears forming in her eyes. This moment was perfect. She'd never want it to end, except for the fact that she knew they had many more wonderful moments to share together in the future. "I never thought I could have this."

"I'd give you this and more, pet."

"I know."

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
And everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Spike tilted her head, wiping her eyes with his thumb. "So those are happy tears then."

Buffy laughed. "Yes. They're very happy tears. Being here with you now, it makes everything seem right."

"Took us a long time to get here," Spike replied. "And it was the scenic route at that."

"But it was worth it."

Spike gave her a lopsided grin. "Yeah, it was."

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
But I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it,
I would be nothing with out you.

"So where do we go from here?" Buffy asked, resting her head on Spike's chest again.

"I don't know about you, but I plan on spending every day trying to make my wife as happy as she is right now."

Buffy giggled, pressing a small kiss to his collarbone. "We're still going to fight, y'know."

Spike chuckled, raising her chin to look into her eyes again. "Wouldn't have it any other way."

Fly, fly, fly away,
You let me fly so high.
Oh, fly, fly,
So high against the sky, so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you, thank God for you,
The wind beneath my wings.

*** *** ***

There. Two months after starting what was supposed to be my first Buffy fic, it's actually finished. Don't know why that one was such a struggle, but I hope you enjoyed it!

Reviews are greatly appreciated.

And, of course, "Wind Beneath my Wings" is Bette Midler.