Chapter 5:

It was getting late in the afternoon, and Spike still hadn't left the bedroom. Usually, he'd be out asking for blood by now, but she hadn't heard a sound from him all day. Buffy tried not to care, but it wasn't working. She'd forgone her plan to stay in the kitchen after finding the wood, her curiosity at how he would act towards her once he woke getting the better of her.

But as it got later and later, Buffy started wondering if he was coming out at all. His duster was draped over the couch, which led her to believe he hadn't pulled off some sort of "escape" attempt. She wondered if he was avoiding her, as she had planned to do with him.

Finally, Buffy got up, walking towards the room where he was sleeping, her curiosity getting the better of her. She gasped as soon as she opened the door. Not only was Spike still asleep, but she learned something about him she hadn't known before—he slept completely nude.

Buffy gaped, knowing she should just turn and walk out of the room, but unable to tear her eyes away from the man in front of her. She'd always assumed he had quite a body under all that black leather, but this… She willed her mouth to snap shut again, cursing the Powers that Be. It wasn't fair that her mortal enemy be that gorgeous. Mortal enemies should be slimey, she decided. With jagged horns. And a strange body odor.

Not this. Not gorgeous, pale muscle, tight perfection like a marble statue. Unable to resist, she trailed her eyes up his body, allowing herself this one good view of a beautiful sight she didn't plan to ever see again.

When her gaze made it back to his face, Buffy realized she was staring into deep blue. She gulped. Spike was awake, and she was caught.

Spike stretched, giving her an even better view than what she'd had before. "Like what you see, pet?" he asked with a lazy grin.

"I…um…I came to see…you slept later than you usually do…"

"Yeah. Sorta wore myself out last night, hacking away at the forest an' all."

"Oh." Buffy looked down, unable to force the next words out of her mouth while looking at him. "Thanks for that."

"You're welcome. Only let's not talk about it again. Could hurt the Big Bad image a bit."

"What, you don't want it getting around the Hellmouth that you went all Paul Bunyan as a favor for the Slayer?"

"Um, no."

Buffy glanced up again, only to be reminded he was naked and looked away again. "Could you possibly put some clothes on?"

"What for, kitten? You certainly didn't seem to mind a minute ago…"

"Well, I do mind! I totally mind! And what's with the pet names?"

"They make you blush."

"No, they don't."

Suddenly, Spike was out of the bed and moving towards her. Buffy froze, her eyes wide as he backed her against the wall. "So why did you come in here again, pet?" he asked, smiling in amusement as her face colored at the last word.

"I…I told you. I…I wanted to see if you were awake."

"Oh, I'm very awake." Spike pressed against her, letting Buffy know in no uncertain terms exactly what part of him was 'awake.'

"Spike…I…we…"

"We what, Buffy?" Spike leaned in closer, pinning her body to the wall with his. "We 'can't?' I think we can."

"But…but we don't even like each other!" Buffy replied. Nervousness fluttered in her stomach. Never had anyone else made her feel this off her guard.

"S'not about like, Slayer. It's about want."

"I don't want you."

"Yes you do."

Spike crashed his mouth against Buffy's, kissing her with bruising force. Buffy only resisted for a second before melting in to him, offering no resistance as he hoisted her up against the wall, her legs wrapped around his hips.

"Cor, Slayer," Spike muttered, when she pulled away to breathe. Buffy's face was flushed, her eyes dark and unfocused. "Want you so bad, kitten." Buffy moaned, rubbing up against him, and Spike took that as acceptance. He carried her away from the wall and to the bed, stretching out on top of her.

Buffy whimpered as Spike kissed her neck, his hand under her sweater, running along her abdomen. His fingers trailed upwards, cupping her breast through her bra. As his other hand moved to the waistband of her jeans, Buffy suddenly realized what she was doing. She pushed up, knocking Spike off of her and on to the floor.

Spike sat up. "Buffy…"

"This is wrong, Spike."

"Felt pretty right to me."

"What do you know about right? You're just a…a thing."

Spike stood up, glaring down at Buffy who sat on the edge of the bed. "You walk a fine line, little girl."

"What are you going to do? You try to act like you're the 'Big Bad,' but look at you. Reduced to depending on the Slayer to bring you pig's blood. You're a pathetic excuse for a vampire."

Spike's eyes held a glint of yellow for a moment. "So this how you get your kicks, Slayer? Getting the vamps all worked up and then pulling this ice bitch routine? Too bad you didn't decide not to take it any further with ol' Angelus, innit? Maybe then there'd be a few less dead bodies in the world."

Buffy gaped at him for just a moment before taking a swing, her fist connecting with flesh and bone as it knocked Spike back down to the ground. "You stay the hell away from me," she said, her tone menacing, before leaving him alone again.

*** *** ***

Buffy sat in front of the fire, watching as the wood slowly burned. Spike hadn't left the bedroom since their confrontation, not even for blood.

She tried not to let his comment about Angel bother her, since she knew Spike had purposely said the thing that would hurt her most, but she couldn't help it. Spike was right. If she'd never caused Angel to lose his soul, less people would be dead. Jenny Calendar for one.

But even if it was the truth, what right did Spike have to say it? As if he could wag a moral finger at her. Where did he get off saying things like that to her?

"Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you called him a pathetic thing…"

Buffy frowned. Sometimes, she really hated her inner voice. Especially when it sounded that much like her mother. If she was honest with herself, she could admit that she'd reacted to Spike the way she did out of fear more than anything else. He was getting too close, almost getting her to let down her boundaries the way she had with Angel and Parker. And then what would happen?

He'd leave. She wouldn't even have to turn him evil. He already was.

Buffy glanced from the fire to the pile of wood that was still perched on the hearth. With that one simple act of getting it for her, Spike had thrown her whole perception of him off. Evil vampires did not chop wood for the Slayer in the middle of the night.

Her mind went over the events of the past few days.

Evil vampires didn't sit around watching Christmas movies with said Slayer.

Evil vampires didn't help the Slayer fight demons.

Evil vampires didn't save her life.

So what was Spike? He didn't have a soul, and she knew he'd balk at being called anything but "evil." And as far as "good" went, well, that didn't exactly seem to apply to Spike either. So where did that leave him?

Somewhere in between…

Buffy frowned. She didn't like to think about a gray area when it came to her being the Slayer. Demons were evil. She was good. Good triumphs over evil. End of story. But the longer she was around, the harder it was to make everything fit into that neat little worldview. First there was Angel. He was a demon, but he wasn't evil. Most of the time, anyway. But he had a soul, so she had always been able to write him off as a single anomaly.

Then came Anya. Sure, she wasn't a demon anymore, but she had been for a long time. She'd brought horrible, bloody vengeance down on men for centuries. Now, she was Xander's human girlfriend. Buffy was pretty certain she had a soul now, although she wasn't sure whether she had or not in her demon days. And even if she didn't, she certainly didn't seem to have the guilt issues that Angel had. In all honestly, she didn't even seem apologetic for the people she'd maimed or killed. But was she evil?

Buffy frowned as she thought about that question, and found she was unable to classify Anya as truly "evil." A bit annoying, yes, but not evil. And she seemed to genuinely care for Xander.

But what did any of this have to say about Spike? He was a soulless vampire—like Angelus—but he certainly didn't act like his grandsire. Buffy knew there was no sense in kidding herself into thinking that the soulless version of her former lover would have made any effort to save her life that night. He probably would've taken the demon out for a celebratory drink…

Again, that brought her back to what was Spike? As much as she didn't want to admit it, she knew he was capable of love. She'd seen it with Drusilla. She wanted to write it off as a sick obsession, but she'd seen the way Spike looked at the dark-haired vampiress. If that wasn't love, Buffy didn't know what was.

Everything was just so damned confusing. She wanted everything to fit into clearly-labeled boxes, to be the way Giles had told her it would be when she asked him to "lie to her" after she'd staked Ford. But it wasn't. And Spike was making sure she knew it.

And to make things worse, she was feeling guilty—for both how she'd let things get out of hand with him, and what she's said to him afterwards. She wanted to pretend that Spike didn't have feelings, but she knew he did. He'd made an attempt to make amends with her after their argument the night before, and she'd paid him back by treating him as lower than the dirt beneath her boots. If he was supposed to be the evil one, what did that make her?

Buffy stared back into the fire, wishing that being the Slayer could mean having all the answers.

*** *** ***

Spike sat on the bed—now clothed—staring at the wall. Bloody Slayer. Letting him think he could have her and then kicking him back down again. He hated her. Hated the way she looked at him. He hated her smile, her hair, her eyes. Hated her voice, her skin, her taste.

He hated the way she made him feel.

He wanted her to make him feel it again.

Spike stood, roaring in frustration as he threw a lamp at the wall. Things had been so much easier in the past. He was a vampire. She was the Slayer. He killed Slayers. But this one, with her tiny skirts and shiny hair had never let him win. Never given him a chance to fulfill the death wish he'd been sure all Slayers had.

Spike whipped around when he heard a knock at the door. What could she possibly want? Hadn't she done enough for one day? When she knocked again, he yelled, "Sod off!"

Despite his order that she leave him alone, the door opened slightly, a mug peeking in through the crack. "Thought you might be hungry."

"Is that holy water?"

"It's blood. I…I tried to get it to the right temperature, but this microwave they have in here is on its last leg."

Spike stared at the mug, wondering if he'd fallen back asleep and this was some really bizarre dream. "Buffy?"

Buffy poked her head in then. "What?"

"I thought you were, um, mad. You know, the whole 'You stay the hell away from me' thing."

"Yeah. I just…" Buffy looked down. "Spike, what's going on here?"

"I don't know."

"I hate you."

"I hate you, too. But sometimes…"

Buffy looked up and said softly. "You don't hate me so much?"

"Yeah."

"Me, too. Er, not that I don't hate me so much. I mean, I don't hate me either. But…" She thrust the mug at him. "Just take your blood."

Spike chuckled, taking the proffered drink. It was hard for him to stay really angry with her when she was like this. He took a sip, noticing it really was right about at the perfect temperature. How in the world had Angel put up with this girl and her crazy mood swings?

Then he looked at her and knew exactly how.

"When you're done, um, eating, do you want to go patrol with me? I doubt we'll run into anymore of those Green Breath thingies since Giles says they move in groups of three, but maybe they'll be something else around to kill."

Spike gave her a smile that made her feel all tingly. "Sure, Slayer. I'd love to go find something to kill with you."

Buffy smiled back. "Great. I'll just, um, wait for you out in the living room."

"All right, pet."

Spike watched as Buffy left the room, musing on the events of the day. Seemed like somehow he'd gotten back in the Slayer's good graces without doing anything at all.

He quickly finished his blood, deciding he'd take advantage of this for as long as it would last.

*** *** ***

"So what did you do for Christmas when you were a kid?"

Spike blinked, looking down at Buffy as the walked together in the snow. "What?"

"I asked what you did for Christmas when you were a kid," she repeated, rolling her eyes.

"Why did you ask that?"

"Uh, cause I wanted to know. Duh."

"Um, well… My father died when I was little—too young to remember him really—so we'd usually go over to my mother's brother's house. Spend it there. Big family get together sort of thing."

"We?"

"Me and my mum."

"No brothers or sisters?"

"No."

Buffy stopped, regarding Spike for a moment. His mother had been a single parent, raising just him on her own. It was weird, suddenly realizing she had something like that in common with Spike. "Were you close to her?"

"Mum? Yeah. I…I loved her very much."

Buffy saw pain flicker in his eyes and decided to try to steer the conversation back towards better memories than whatever the one he seemed to be thinking about right then was. "So what would you do at your uncle's?"

"Well, we'd go to church first, then we'd go to his house, and I'd spend most of the day before dinner avoiding my cousins like the plague they were. There was usually singing, and a tree, and after dinner we'd exchange gifts and pull the crackers."

"Pull the what? Crackers? As in little flour squares covered in salt?"

"No, you bloody little American. Crackers as in little wrapped up bits of sweets and toys that pop when you break them."

Buffy frowned, trying to picture what he was describing. "Like tiny piñatas?"

"Sort of. Less beating and blindfolding, though. You just pull them apart, and they break, spilling whatever's in them."

"Oh."

"Did you have Santa Claus?"

"Yes."

Buffy smiled, picturing Spike as a child, eager, his blue eyes twinkling as he woke on Christmas morning to see what Santa had brought. Without thinking, she reached up to push back a bit of his hair that has falling on his forehead. She liked his hair better the way he'd been wearing it for the past few days, without the gel slicking it back.

Spike sucked in a breath at the feel of her hand on him. Even through the gloves she was wearing, he could feel the heat radiating from her skin. "Buffy…" he said softly, his eyes sliding closed.

Buffy pulled back, her hand trembling. How did things keep becoming a "moment" with him? "I…I don't think we're going to find anything tonight," she said, stepping away. "Let's go back inside. I'm cold, and we've only watched A Charlie Brown Christmas three times."

Spike shook off the disappointment he felt from her pulling away from him again. "Yeah. Doesn't seem like we're going to be getting any action out here anyway."

Buffy frowned, wondering if he meant the double meaning in those words. He didn't give her a chance to call him on it, as he turned and walked back towards the cabin. Buffy followed him, and suddenly an idea crept into her head that she couldn't force herself to ignore.

Spike could tell when the Slayer stopped, and wondered what she was doing back there. He turned around, only to have a snowball smack him in the chest seconds later. "Oi!" he cried in outrage. "What did you go and do that for, Slayer?"

Buffy giggled. "Couldn't help it."

"You know I'm going to have to get you for that, don't you?"

"Like to see you try, fang face."

"Oh you are so asking for it, missy."

Buffy's only response was to stick her tongue out and take off into the woods.

*** *** ***

Spike stalked through the trees, knowing the Slayer was near. Her scent was strong, and that was one he'd know anywhere.

He stopped, closing his eyes and trying to get a better sense of where it was coming from when something cold and wet dropped on his head. He looked up to see the Slayer in a tree above him, a second snowball coming at him before he could react. "That's cheating!" he declared, shaking the snow out of his hair.

"Yeah, but it's funny, too."

"Oh yeah, I'll show you funny," Spike replied, making his own snowball and launching it up at the Slayer.

"Hey!" Buffy replied as it hit its mark. "That's cold!"

"Well, duh, luv," Spike replied, giving her a crooked grin.

Buffy hopped down from the tree, landing right in front of him. "It's not nearly as funny when you do it," she said with a pout that Spike found absolutely adorable.

"I think it's even funnier," Spike said, closing the distance between them.

"You would," Buffy grumbled, taking a step towards him as well.

"I'm about to kiss you, you know."

"I know. I'm about to kiss you, too."

Buffy felt the fire she'd come to associate with Spike's kisses flow through her again as she pulled him closer, digging her fingers into the leather of his duster. Spike reached down, placing his hand on the small of her back and bringing her closer. Buffy melted into the kiss, into his embrace, letting herself go. A tiny voice in the back of her mind told her she shouldn't be doing this, but she didn't want to listen. This felt too good, and she didn't want it to stop.

Spike moved his lips from her mouth to her jaw, kissing a path up to her ear. "I want to take you inside, Buffy—and then I want you to take me inside."

Buffy whimpered, his silky voice making her knees weak. "Spike…oh, god…yes."

Spike hoped beyond anything that she didn't push him away this time. He lifted her up, cradling her against his chest as he carried her back to the cabin. Buffy's lips and hands were busy the entire time as she kissed, licked, and nipped at his neck, all the while stroking his back and hair.

He brought her into the smaller bedroom where he'd been sleeping, depositing her on the bed before shrugging off his duster and taking off his boots. Buffy propped herself up on her elbows, waiting for him to join her. Spike started to get on the bed before stopping, meeting her gaze with his. "You sure about this, Buffy? I don't want you staking me afterwards."

Buffy smiled coquettishly. "The only one who's going to be doing any 'staking' tonight, Spike, is you."

Spike couldn't suppress the shiver that coursed through him at her words. He climbed up the bed to her then, kissing her with a mixture of practiced skill and desperation. Buffy moaned into his mouth. She'd never been kissed quite like this before, and it made her head spin. "I want you," she said, breaking away from the kiss. "Why do I want you?"

Spike propped himself up a little, looking down at her with a grin. "Because I'm a damn sexy bloke."

Buffy giggled, reaching up to stroke his face. "That you are." She winked. "Let's get you naked again. I only got to look this morning—never got a chance to touch."

"Well, I certainly don't want to deny you that, if it's what you really want, Slayer," Spike replied, giving her a wink.

Buffy kissed him again, quickly. "Stick with 'Buffy' tonight, okay?"

"Yeah, all right. Only Buffy, or…"

"Just not Slayer."

"I can do that." Spike sat up, pulling his black t-shirt over his head. Buffy licked her lips, reaching up to run first her fingertips down the well-defined muscles, then her nails. Spike's eyes closed, his jaw clenched, and Buffy felt a rush of womanly pride at the thought that she'd barely done anything at all, and he was already struggling with control.

"Off with the pants," she said, smirking at the way his eyes popped open as she said it. "Come on, Mr. 'sexy bloke.' Let's see a little more skin."

Spike stood at the edge of the bed, slowly undoing his belt, unbuttoning his fly, and sliding the denim down his legs, his eyes never leaving Buffy's. She gasped, her eyes widening as they looked down. Had it been that big earlier?

"See what you do to me, kitten? See how much you make me want you?"

Buffy nodded, sitting up on her knees in front of him. She gave him a quick peck on the lips before trailing her kisses down his chest, swirling her tongue around each of his nipples before licking a path further down. Spike froze, his mind racing as her mouth grew closer to the focus of his arousal. Would she…?

He got his answer as she knelt forward, taking the head of his cock into her mouth. He hissed through his teeth, clenching his fists at his side to keep from grabbing her hair and forcing her to take more of him in. He figured with Buffy, the quickest way to make this stop would be to try to keep her from moving at her own pace.

Slowly, she took more of him in her mouth, driving him to the edge with her tongue and the slightest scrapes of her teeth. As he felt himself reaching the edge he tried to push her off, but she wouldn't budge, looking up at him with wide, green eyes, letting him know she knew exactly what she was doing. When she reached under her chin, taking his balls in her hand and squeezing just enough to almost hurt, he couldn't hold back anymore. He took her head in his hands, thrusting into her mouth a few times before erupting with a roar. As pleasure coursed through him, he looked down, seeing that Buffy's eyes never left his face, her throat working to take him all down.

Spike slumped down to his knees, resting his head against Buffy's legs. After a moment, he looked up at her. "That was bloody amazing."

"So I was good?"

Spike saw the need for validation in her eyes, and he thought of the two pillocks she'd been with before. How they'd walked away from this, he didn't know. "You were perfect, Buffy. I couldn't have asked for better." Her bright smile at his words made his undead heart flutter, and he pushed her back to lie on the pillows. "Your turn, kitten."

Buffy frowned. "My turn? For what?" Spike raised a scarred eyebrow, and Buffy realized "for what." She blushed—which Spike found particularly amusing seeing as she'd just finished giving him a blow job. "I've never…"

"Good," Spike cut her off. "That lets me be the one who shows you how good it is."

Buffy tried to will her body to relax as Spike undressed her. When he'd finished that, he stared down at her, and Buffy felt her nervousness creep back up. "What?"

"Do you have any idea how bloody gorgeous you are?" Spike asked, his words tinged with awe. When Buffy blushed and looked away, he took her cheek in his hand, turning her face so she had to look at him again. "You are, Buffy. Don't listen to anything those wankers said. "You are a beautiful, desirable woman, and a man would have to be dodgy in the head to want to walk away from you."

The last of his words managed to penetrate her lust-addled brain. Spike didn't want to walk away after this? What would that mean for her, for her life? She filed that question away for later, deciding now she'd just concentrate on the delicious warmth Spike was causing her to feel.

The vampire knelt between her legs, breathing her scent in deeply. He let out a low growl before giving her one long lap with his tongue. Buffy thrust her hips, crying out at the all too brief contact. "Want more, baby?" Spike asked.

"Yes. Please, Spike…more…"

Spike replied by giving her what she asked for. He took her clit into his mouth, sucking lightly as he flicked it back and forth with his tongue. When he thrust two fingers inside of her, pumping them in and out as he tasted her, Buffy cried out, her fingers digging into his scalp. Her enthusiastic response caused Spike to increase his efforts, licking and thrusting faster, harder, adding a third finger to the mix.

Buffy's body grew completely stiff before she screamed, her hips slamming against Spike's face. When she fell back to the mattress in a boneless heap, Spike climbed back up her body, nipping at her earlobe. "Enjoy that, pet?"

"Mmm."

"Have I reduced you to monosyllabic responses?"

Buffy chuckled, her hands coming up to rub his shoulders. "That was incredible."

"And it wasn't even the best part," Spike replied, propping himself up over her. "Open up, Buffy. Let me in."

Buffy wrapped her legs around his hips, meeting his gaze. Spike could see the nervousness in her eyes, and leaned in to give her a soft, lingering kiss. "It's gonna be good, pet," he promised her. "Don't you worry." Buffy responded by reaching between them, guiding him into herheat. He cried out at the first feel of her around him, unprepared for just how tight and hot she was. "Oh, Buffy," he moaned.

Buffy gasped, Spike stretching her to her limits. As he sank deeper inside her, she trembled, clutching his arms tightly. "You okay, luv?" he asked.

"Yes," Buffy replied. "It's…oh god…it's good."

"Buffy…Buffy…" Spike chanted, thrusting in and out of her, lost in the sensations of her surrounding him. Beneath him, she was writhing, thrusting her hips up to meet his, to urge him to give her more.

Neither knew how long they moved like that, in perfect rhythm, the surrounding world melting away until all that existed was the two of them. Finally, Buffy's eyes grew wide and she cried out, her nails digging into Spike's shoulders as she clamped tightly around him. The feel of her coming was all it took to send Spike over the edge as he poured his release into her.

When Spike could think clearly again, he realized he was still on top of her, his head between her breasts, and his softening cock nestled between her thighs. "Am I crushing you?" he asked.

"No," Buffy replied, playing with his bleached curls.

"Good, 'cause I don't want to move."

"I don't want you to move either."

They lay like that for a while until Spike finally lifted himself off of her. Buffy gave him a confused look, and he leaned down again, kissing the tip of her nose. "Not going anywhere, pet. Just rearranging us a bit. Lift up?"

Buffy did, and Spike tugged the blankets down, pulling them over the two of them. He then pulled Buffy to him, resting her head on his chest. Buffy was silent for a while, and Spike thought she was asleep. He was starting to drift off himself when he heard her speak.

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"If…if you're not going to be here in the morning when I wake up, can you just tell me now?"

"Where else would I be?"

"I don't know. I just…I always wake up alone."

Spike pressed a soft kiss against the top of her head. "I'll be here, Buffy. I promise."

He felt her eyelids flutter shut against his chest, and Spike pulled her closer.

*** *** ***

Spike woke the next morning to find the Slayer staring up at him from her position on his chest. "'Mornin', kitten," he said, his voice husky from sleep.

"You're here."

"I promised I would be."

"I know, but…"

Spike silenced her with a kiss. "Don't think about them right now, okay, luv? They don't exist here. Just us."

Buffy gave him a small smile. "Just us," she repeated.

"So you want me to show you what it's like to wake up next to a man?" Spike asked, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.

Buffy giggled. "Yes, please," she said, her naughty grin and the grip she had on him belying her polite answer.

Spike pounced, determined to make her forget about either of her other lovers.

*** *** ***

Joyce walked into the darkened cabin, searching for any sign of the two people who were supposed to be occupying it. "Buffy? Sweetie, are you here?"

Joyce frowned when she didn't get a response. She looked in both the kitchen and the larger bedroom, but was unable to locate her daughter. Seeing as it was still daylight, she knew at least Spike would have to be there. Slowly, she opened the door, gasping loudly at the sight she was greeted with.

Buffy turned, her eyes bulging. "Mom!" she cried, struggling to get off Spike and pull the covers over herself. Joyce said nothing, only turning to leave, shutting the door quickly behind her.

"Oh my god!" Buffy said, burying her face in her hands. "Please tell me my mother didn't just walk in on us."

"Um, your mother didn't just walk in on us?" Spike replied.

Buffy peeked at him through her fingers. "Okay now can you make it true?"

"Wish I could. I think this may be the most embarrassing moment of my existence. And I'm including that time you dropped a church organ on me."

"You're embarrassed? She's my mom, and she saw me…oh god…"

"Trust me, pet, I'm not thrilled by the idea that Joyce walked in on me shagging her daughter. She'll probably hate me now."

Buffy looked at him quizzically. "You really do like my mom, don't you?"

"Told you I did."

"I know…" Buffy hid her face in her hands again.

Spike rubbed her back soothingly, and kissed her forehead. "It'll be okay, pet. Let's just get dressed and face this like adults. She's probably just as embarrassed as we are."

"Yeah, just with less embarrassment and more anger," Buffy replied. She dropped her hands. "I can never look my mother in the face again. Ever."

"It's not as bad as that, I promise."

"But…she…we…oh god…"

There was a knock at the door, and both Buffy and Spike looked up sharply. "Um, when the two of you are a little more…presentable, I'd like to have a word with you," Joyce said from the other side.

Buffy whimpered, wishing she could disappear. "Just a minute, Joyce," Spike replied before focusing back on Buffy. "Come on, sweetheart."

"Kill me. You used to be my mortal enemy, and all. Kill me."

"It's not… Wait…used to be?"

Buffy frowned. "Do you still want to be?"

"No, I just…you don't want me to be?"

"Um, not really. But I don't know what I do want, so don't go inferring anything, okay?"

"Okay," Spike said, poorly masking his disappointment. "Let's just talk to your mum now."

Buffy nodded, getting up to gather her clothes. Spike sighed, getting dressed as well.

*** *** ***

Those Summers women really should learn how to knock… lol

Chapter 6:

Joyce stood outside the door, nervously waiting for when she could go back in. She knew she had to address the situation at hand, but she was unsure of what to say. She knew Buffy had been with at least Angel in the past, and she wasn't naïve enough to think that her daughter was going to spend her college years abjuring the company of men, but Spike? Sure, Joyce liked him despite the fact that he was a vampire, but was he wanted for her daughter? She'd objected to Buffy's relationship with Angel for many reasons, the least of which not being that he was a vampire. Besides, when she'd left only a couple of days earlier, Buffy and Spike had been at each other's throats, and now they were…well, something else. Could such a relationship be good for Buffy?

The door opened and Spike walked out, running his hand through his ruffled hair. He shifted nervously, and Joyce was glad he looked embarrassed at least. She wouldn't have appreciated smugness from him. "You wanted to talk to us?" he asked, not looking at her in the face.

"Yes, I do. Is Buffy, um, dressed?"

"Yeah, she is." Spike left out the fact that the reason it had taken as long as it did to open the door was that a few, um, articles of Buffy's clothing had ended up missing.

Joyce nodded and followed Spike back into the room. Buffy was sitting on the edge of the bed, only giving her mother a quick glance before starting down at the floor again, her face bright red. "Well, I guess it would be an understatement to say I'm surprised," Joyce began. "When I left, you two wanted to kill each other. How did this happen?"

Buffy and Spike shared a quick glance. How had this happened? "I don't know," Buffy said softly.

"We haven't really had that conversation yet," Spike said. He understood Joyce's concern, but he wished she wasn't doing this now. Whatever it was he had with Buffy, it was still fragile. If Joyce made her overanalyze it now, Spike could lose Buffy before he had a chance to make things stronger between them.

"Don't you think maybe you should have before you just jumped into bed?" Joyce asked. "This was very irresponsible of both of you."

Spike's jaw ticked. He didn't want to start anything with her, but she was overstepping her boundaries. Yes, Buffy was her daughter, but he was an adult. Much more so than Joyce in fact. She certainly didn't need to be talking to him as if he were a child. He started to speak, when Buffy's head shot up.

"Mom, I have two words for you—police car."

Joyce's eyes widened. "Buffy…that was the candy, and…"

"No! God, Mom, I'm sorry you walked in on that, but Spike and I are both old enough to make our own decisions about this, okay? Yeah, it might have been a little rash, but it's not like it was unsafe or something. We were two consenting adults."

"But this is crazy, Buffy! I know I told you to be a little nicer to him, but this isn't quite what I meant."

"I know. Look, we really can't answer any of your questions right now. I know you're confused, but so am I, and I bet Spike is, too. So let's just drop it."

"Drop it? Buffy, I can't just drop it! I came home to find my daughter having sex with another vampire." At the hurt look on Spike's face, Joyce added, "Yes, I do like you better than Angel, Spike, but that doesn't change what I want for my daughter. I want her to be able to live a normal life, not…"

Buffy stood up, causing Joyce to stop abruptly. "What about what I want?"

Joyce blinked. "Is…is being with Spike what you want?"

Buffy crossed her hands over her chest defiantly. "It could be," she said, her chin slightly raised.

Spike looked back and forth between the two women, and let a small grin form on his lips. He knew Buffy was just claiming to want him because her mother had said otherwise, but he still liked hearing it.

"Buffy, you can't honestly think this is a good idea!"

"Well, I do!" Buffy replied. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm sure Spike is hungry. I'm going to get him some blood."

Spike blinked. Wait, she was leaving him alone with her mother? That wasn't good. "Uh, pet, you don't…" Buffy was already gone. "Bollocks," Spike muttered under his breath.

Joyce looked over at Spike. "You know this isn't good for Buffy."

"That's her call, Joyce," Spike replied. "Not mine."

"If you really do care about her, you should want what's best for her."

"Again, not my call. Look, I know what you're trying to do, and I can appreciate it, but as you said earlier, I'm not Angel. I'm not going to run off because I can't even give Buffy a normal life. Buffy's never going to have a normal life. She can't. She's the Slayer, Joyce. I know that's something you don't fully understand, but I do. I've come up against more than one Slayer in my life, and I understand them. I know what makes 'em tick. Buffy will never be happy with normal. Even if she thinks she wants it, it won't be enough for her. She needs someone who can be her equal. I'm not saying that I'm necessarily what's best for her either, but that's for Buffy to decide—and if she decides I'm what she wants, I'm not going to tell her no. You think Angel's leaving really did her any good? Do you have any idea how emotionally scarred your daughter is? God, this morning she was amazed that I was just here. Not that I still wanted her, or that I didn't treat her badly the morning after, but that I simply had the decency not to make her wake up alone. Do you really think that it would be good for her to have another man just walk out of her life?"

Surprise had come to Joyce's face as Spike spoke, and for a moment, she had nothing to say. Finally, she replied. "I…I had no idea. About Buffy…I just thought." She sighed. "I want her to be happy."

"So do I. And I am sorry you saw what you saw. I know that's something you could've gone your whole life without seeing."

Joyce chuckled. "Yes, it was. I'll…knock next time."

"Probably for the best."

"I don't approve."

"I know."

Buffy came back into the bedroom then, carrying a mug for Spike. Joyce walked towards the door. "I'll…I'll let you two talk. But I want your clothes on. Understood?"

"Yes, mother," Buffy replied.

"Clothes on," Joyce said one more time before shutting the door.

Buffy handed Spike the mug, then sat cross-legged on the end of the bed, not looking up at him. Spike set the mug on the bedside table, then sat behind her, rubbing her shoulders. "Are you going to be okay?"

Buffy leaned into his hands. "If you keep doing that, quite possibly," she replied. "You've got great hands."

"I thought I had already more than proved that."

Buffy smiled slightly. "Behave yourself. My mother meant that 'clothes on' thing."

"You poor little naïve girl," Spike said, kissing her neck. "There are so many things we can do without removing a single stitch of clothing."

Buffy shivered at that, but restrained from taking him up on the offer. "We…we need to talk."

Spike's hands dropped to his sides. This was it. Buffy was going to give him a nice little "this is wrong" speech, and that would be that. He thought for a second that maybe he should beg, but decided against it. Maybe he could at least get through this with a bit of his pride intact.

Buffy turned around so that she was facing him. "I know that this shouldn't have happened. I mean, Slayer and vampire—kinda wrong here. And before you say anything, I realize Angel was a vampire, too. But this—this can never be what I had with Angel."

Spike looked up sharply at that, and Buffy saw the pain in his eyes. "Buffy…"

"Let me finish, okay? What Angel and I had was special. He was my first love. But I'm not sure if that's really what I want now. I mean, I thought Angel was all I'd ever want, and that if ever left I'd just die, but…but he left, and I'm still alive. And despite the extreme wrongness that is this, I felt something with you last night, Spike. Something that I haven't felt since Angel, and that I still didn't get a lot with him. Something I've been desperately searching for with Riley, but unable to find. And this is all really scaring me, because two days ago I was so sure I hated you, and then you had to go throw everything off with your life saving and wood chopping, and…why are you so quiet? You're never quiet. That's scary, too."

Spike smiled at her, taking her chin in his hand and tilting her face up. "Didn't want to interrupt you, pet. Kinda liked what you were saying."

"So how do you feel about all this?"

"You make me feel alive, Buffy. And seeing as my heart stopped beating over a century ago, that's quite an accomplishment. And yeah, I get that this should be wrong, but bloody hell woman, I want you."

"But what's going to happen if we do this, Spike? You saw how my mom acted. And my friends—Giles—they're all going to freak."

"Sod 'em. The only people who matter in a relationship, Buffy, are the ones in it."

"Is that what this is? A relationship?"

"Do you want it to be?"

"I don't know. That's the problem."

Spike took her hand, stroking it with his thumb. "How do you feel about me, Buffy?"

"I…I used to hate you. But then, well, these past couple days, I…I think I started liking you. That's insane, isn't it? You can't go from hate to like in two days, can you?"

Spike tucked her hair behind her ear. "I did. Granted, I've wanted you since the beginning, but I didn't like you." He winked.

"I just know this is going to blow up in my face," Buffy said. "I mean, I have this horrible dating track record as it is, and if I get involved with my former mortal enemy, isn't that just begging for trouble?"

"Maybe not. Maybe it's exactly what that track record of yours needs."

Buffy frowned. "How do you figure?"

"Well, dating people you didn't want to kill—at first, anyway—hasn't worked out for you. So they way I see it, maybe you need to switch tactics."

Buffy smirked. "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard."

"I don't know. I think a Slayer managing to get two vampires to fall in love with her is pretty crazy in itself." Spike didn't realize what he'd said until Buffy turned completely pale and pulled away from him.

"What did you just say?"

"Um…nothing. Just a, um, figure of speech."

"No, that is not a figure of speech. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse—that's a figure of speech. What you just said, that's…" Buffy stood. "I can't. This is too much."

"Buffy, wait! I'm sorry. It just slipped out, okay? Can't we just forget I said it?"

"No! I can't just forget something like that." She stepped back. "I can't believe I was even considering… This is not going to happen, Spike."

Spike completely forgot his earlier decision not to beg. Things had been going so well, and now she was changing her mind? He cursed himself and his uncanny ability to always say exactly the wrong thing. "Buffy, please. Just give this a chance. It…it could work."

"No, it couldn't. I'm sorry, Spike, but I just can't go through this again."

"Again? Dammit, Buffy, we already established I'm not Angel! I can give you what you need. Really, I can."

"No. You can't. Look, Spike, last night was good, but it was just one night. It's not going to happen again. I don't want it to"

Spike looked at her, pain in eyes. "Buffy…"

"No." Buffy left him then, and Spike lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

"Well, mate, that could've gone a lot better," he muttered to himself.

*** *** ***

Joyce found Buffy a little while later, sitting on the back porch, staring out into space. "Did you have a talk with Spike?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"I decided it's better if we don't take things any further," Buffy replied tersely.

"I think that's for the best. I mean, as far as vampires go, Spike seems okay, but he's really not what I want for you."

"I know, Mom. He's not what I want for me either." Buffy felt her heart clench at her own words. She could still feel the ghost of Spike's touch on her skin, and it was so hard to resist the urge to run back in the cabin and crawl into his arms.

Joyce kissed the top of her daughter's head. "I know this is difficult, Buffy, but it's for the best."

"I know. I'll be in in a little bit, okay?"

Joyce took the hint that Buffy wanted some time alone. "Okay, honey. I'll be inside if you want to talk."

"Thanks, Mom."

Joyce walked back into the cabin, leaving Buffy alone with the snow and her thoughts.

*** *** ***

Spike paced restlessly in his room. This was not how he imagined things ever turning out with the Slayer. He wished Joyce had just stayed in Sunnydale. Then he could still be in bed with Buffy right now.

Or maybe they should've just left him in Sunnydale. Things would've been much better for him if he hadn't come here, whether he would've known it or not. Sure, he wouldn't have gotten that one incredible night with the Slayer, but he figured the aftermath of that was going to be more than he wanted to deal with. Especially since he'd let that damn "love" thing slip.

It wasn't like he'd even meant it. He didn't love the Slayer. That was too ridiculous to even consider. He loved Drusilla. She was his dark princess, the face of his salvation. He would love her until he was dust.

But then why had he barely thought about Drusilla at all in weeks? Why were all his thoughts wrapped up in the Slayer? She was all he thought about, dreamt about. And as much as he wanted it to be about killing her, it wasn't. He wanted to touch her, kiss her, feel her beneath him.

It was then that Spike had a revelation.

He was in love with her. He was in love with the bloody Slayer.

In all his years of being love's bitch, this had to be the clincher.

Spike sat back down on the bed, staring at the wall. Why did these things happen to him? Why did he always fall for women who would never care for him as much as he did them? He felt suddenly as pathetic as he did his last night as William, tearing up his poetry, tears stinging in his eyes as he played back Cecily's harsh words over and over again in his mind. He was there again, wearing his pathetic heart on his sleeve, all but begging for it to be crushed under the boot heel of a woman who would never see him as anything but beneath her.

He grumbled to himself, lying back on the bed. At least he had one thought that could marginally cheer him up.

Now that he'd gone and used the word "love" to Buffy, maybe she'd finally get around to staking him.

*** *** ***

Somehow, Buffy had forgotten how horribly uncomfortable this couch was. It was fine during the day, a perfectly comfortable place to curl up on for a Christmas movie overload, but as soon as she tried to sleep on it, it grew painful, hard bumps she swore hadn't been there earlier.

She sat up, pounding the cushions. "Damn demon couch," she muttered. "Why'd we have to get a cabin with only two beds?"

She looked back over at Spike's bedroom. He hadn't left it after their conversation, not even for blood. She kept seeing his face as he begged her to give them a chance. Never before in her life had she felt guilty for hurting Spike. But before, it had always been physical. Where was the bad in a vampire Slayer hitting a vampire?

This time, she'd hurt him emotionally. Despite their past, she didn't really have the right to hurt him like that. The way he'd looked at her when she'd told him that it wasn't going to work, it was just like…

Buffy suddenly felt sick to her stomach. That look on his face was just like the one she'd had when Parker had told her their night together had just been "fun." Even if she hadn't meant to let things get to that point with Spike, the result had still been the same. She knew what he was feeling now, and it made Buffy ill to think she'd done that to anyone, even Spike.

She got up then, walking to the bedroom and slowly peeking in. "Spike?" she whispered. "You awake?"

"What do you want?" he snapped, still lying on the bed, not turning to look at her.

"I…I wanted to apologize," Buffy said, coming into the room and shutting the door behind her. "The way I treated you today was wrong."

Spike turned his head, giving her a puzzled look. "Have I gone completely daft, or did the high and mighty Buffy the Vampire Slayer actually just apologize to me."

"Yes, I did. And you don't have to be an ass about it." Buffy played with one of the buttons on her pajamas. "I…I didn't mean to use you, and I know that's probably what it looks like. Things just moved really quickly last night, and I…I couldn't control myself."

"I do have that effect on women."

Buffy smirked. "You're impossible."

"And adorable."

"Spike…"

"And do you know what else is adorable? Those pajamas."

Buffy looked at her outfit, blushing. "I'm trying to be nice, and you're teasing me."

"Nope, no teasing. I happen to find little smiling reindeer with candy cane antlers the height of fashion."

"I hate you," Buffy said, the small smile threatening to break through her pout letting Spike know she meant anything but.

Spike held out his arms. "C'mere, pouty."

Buffy didn't think. She just moved, back into Spike's arms. It unnerved her how safe she felt there, but it didn't make it any less true. He wrapped his arms and the blankets around them, kissing her on the top of her head. "Spike?"

"Yeah, luv?"

"Did you mean it today when you said you'd fallen in love with me?"

Spike paused before finally answering. "Yes."

"Oh." Buffy was quiet for a moment. "I…I don't know if I can love you."

"I know. I don't expect you to. It's not the way it works with me anyway."

Buffy looked up at him. "What do you mean?"

"Women don't love me back, Buffy. I Guess I'm just…unlovable."

"Drusilla loved you."

"Maybe. In her own crazy way. But not the way I loved her. Never the way I loved her."

"If it makes you feel any better, I don't get loved back either."

"Angel…"

"No." Buffy moved closer to Spike, tightening the grip she had on him. "I think he loved me, just not, well like you said with Dru—not the way I loved him. I never could've walked away from him, and he walked away from me so easily. Just off into the night without even a real good bye."

"Angel's an idiot. Always has been."

"He thought he was doing what was best for me, but isn't that for me to decide?"

"Seems like it to me. 'S what I told your mum earlier, when she tried to compare me to Angelus."

"You do realize that if we were together, you couldn't kill again, don't you? Even if you somehow got rid of that chip, you couldn't…"

"I know, Buffy. I've thought about that. But there's one thing in this world that's always meant more to me than all the bloodshed and violence I could find, and that's love. I'd do anything for the woman I love, pet. Even if it meant turning my back on everything I am."

"I'm still scared, Spike."

"I know, kitten. Me, too."

"Do you think maybe you could…just hold me tonight?"

Spike kissed her softly. "I'd be honored."

Buffy smiled, cuddling against Spike's chest as she fell asleep with a smile on her face.

*** *** ***

"Buffy…Buffy, wake up."

Buffy blinked groggily. "Spike?"

"Yeah. There's someone knocking at the front door."

Buffy glanced at the clock, frowning. "At this hour? That could be bad."

"I know. Come on, let's go check it out."

Buffy nodded, walking out of the bedroom with Spike. Her mother was in the living room, a worried look on her face.

"Buffy, do you have any idea who could be here at this time of night?" Joyce asked. "And were you back in Spike's room?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "We were just sleeping. And no, I don't know who it is. Spike, get my back in case it's something demony."

"You got it, Slayer."

Buffy opened the door slowly, ready to fight if need be. She gaped when she saw who was standing outside. "Giles?"

"Buffy, I have to speak with you immediately. It's urgent," Giles said, shivering.

Buffy sighed heavily, letting Giles inside. "Let me guess, someone's giving me an apocalypse for Christmas?"

"Quite possibly."

"Just what I always wanted." Buffy turned to Joyce. "Mom, you might as well start a pot of coffee. Something tells me this is going to be a long night."

*** *** ***

What's this, you say? A plot? Yeah, I didn't see it coming either. Oh well, we'll see where it goes. *wink*

Review please!