Buffy paced her living room. Riley had only been gone two hours, and already all she could think about was Spike. Her body ached with the memory of how intense it had been with him, how it had been better than anything she'd ever known.

Finally, Buffy made up her mind. She left her house, walking next door with determination. She couldn't keep yearning for him like this. It had to stop.

Once Buffy got to Spike's door, she felt her strength and determination leave her in a rush. She stood nervously outside his door, trying to compose herself. The last time she'd been here she'd jumped him like an inmate who'd just seen the light of day for the first time in years, and then run off without any explanation. What could she say to him now? She started to leave, then stopped. She had to do this. Needed to… She knocked.

The time it took Spike to get to the door seemed like forever to Buffy. She was shaking with nervousness, not sure of the reaction she'd get when he opened the door.

On the other side door, Spike was trying to calm himself. He'd seen Buffy from the window coming over, and had been waiting for her to finally knock. Now that she had, he didn't know what to do. He contemplated pretending he wasn't home, but he realized she'd probably seen his car in the driveway. Besides, that was the coward's way out, and if there was one thing Spike wasn't, that was it. Finally, he opened the door, hoping he looked as nonchalant about it all as possible. "Hello, Buffy."

Buffy looked up, her expression resembling that of a cat about to be pounced by a mouse. How could he be so calm? "Um, hi, William. Can I come in?"

Spike almost winced. She was back to calling him William. He didn't like that. "Might as well. Planning on throwing me around my living room again?"

Buffy blushed straight up to her roots. "Um, about that…"

"Let's go in and talk, pe…Buffy."

Buffy looked up, catching his quick change. It hurt, and she didn't want it to. "Okay."

Spike and Buffy sat on opposite sides of his couch. "So, are you going to talk or stare at my floor all day?" Spike asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence.

"I used you."

"I sort of picked up on that."

Buffy didn't look at him. "I thought Riley was cheating on me, and I…I wanted to get back at him. But it was all a mistake. He wasn't."

Spike tried to ignore just how much her confession hurt. "Oh."

"William…"

"Just go."

"William…I still…"

"Go!"

Buffy jumped up. She got to the door, then turned around. Spike wasn't looking at her, but she could see the side of his face, and… She froze. Was he crying? She moved back to him, reaching out, but not touching him.

"I thought I bloody told you to go!"

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen." Buffy felt herself begin to cry as well. "I don't know how I let things get so messed up. I'm so sorry I hurt you."

Spike looked up, immediately wishing he hadn't. Seeing her cry was enough to break him. "It's all right, pet," he said, offering her a weak smile. "I'm pretty used to, well, being used."

Buffy crumbled. "I didn't…oh god, I'm so horrible!"

Spike stood up, wrapping her arms around her. "Shh…you're not horrible. You just made a mistake, is all. Your husband needn't even know. It'll be our little secret."

Buffy looked up at him, her eyes wide and tear-filled. "But I did something awful. I cheated on my husband!"

"It'll work out all right, Buffy. It's not like it's going to happen again…"

"But that's the problem."

"What?"

"I keep wanting it, Spike. When my mother died, I felt like a part of me died with her. And after I married Riley, well, I've just been dying a little more inside every day. But when I was with you, even before, um, that, I felt alive. I feel horrible for it, and I know I should just walk away, but I want you so bad…"

"Buffy, what are you saying?"

"I want you. I tried to forget about it, tried to just stay away from you, but I couldn't. I know it's wrong, to risk my marriage for sex, but I've been going crazy. I need it, Spike."

Spike felt all the blood rush from his brain. What little bit of logical thought he had left was screaming at him to get her out of there. When this was over, they were both going to hate themselves. She'd go back to being guilty for cheating on her husband, and he'd go back to being guilty over taking what wasn't his. He leaned down and kissed her.

Buffy grabbed the back of his head, pulling his lips somehow closer. Spike groaned against her mouth, his hands roaming her body. He pulled away from her just long enough to whisper in her ear, "Bedroom. Now."

Buffy nodded as his lips crushed hers again. Spike lifted her up, Buffy's legs automatically going around his hips. He tried to walk with her still kissing him, but with little success. They smashed into a CD tower, Spike's entire music collection crashing to the floor. He didn't even seem to notice, pushing Buffy up against the wall so he could keep kissing her. He wrapped one arm around her waist, using the other one to unbutton her shirt and throw it to the ground. He smiled at her now-bare chest and whispered in her ear, "No bra…naughty girl."

"I want to be naughty for you, Spike," Buffy moaned. "Just for you."

Her words made Spike grow almost impossibly hard. He pulled Buffy up against him, carrying her into the hall. They stumbled again, this time Buffy's flailing hand knocking a framed painting off the wall. Spike managed to get into the bedroom, collapsing just past the door. He landed with Buffy on top of him, and decided not to attempt getting up to walk again. Buffy didn't seem to mind where they were, pulling his shirt from his jeans and over his head in one swift movement.

She moved then to his belt, cursing as her trembling hands fought with the buckle. "Let me," Spike said, Undoing his belt and opening his pants quickly. He pulled himself out, stroking it once. Buffy watched him, her eyes glazed over. She licked her lips slowly, and Spike about lost it right there. Then she leaned down, taking him in her mouth as she swirled her tongue around the tip. Spike's head fell back hard against the floor as he clenched his fist. "Fuck, Buffy, baby…"

Buffy looked at him with an expression that made Spike growl low in his throat. She pulled up slowly. "You like that?"

"Oh, god, pet—yes."

"Want more?"

Spike nodded.

"Say it."

Spike swallowed. Was this the same woman who had been blushing from head to toe just a little bit ago at the mere mention of what they'd done before? "Put it in your mouth, Buffy."

Buffy feigned innocence. "Put what in my mouth, Spike?"

Spike smirked. So this was her game. "My cock. Suck my cock, Buffy."

Buffy held his gaze as she lowered herself slowly down again, letting his slip into her mouth. When she'd taken as much as she could, she moaned deep in her throat. Spike's eyes rolled back in his head as his hands reached up to tangle in her hair. Buffy smiled around him as she moved up and down, reveling in the obvious effect she was having on him.

After a few moments, Spike pulled her head up. "Your pussy…I need that now, pet. Please, just let me fuck you again. I have to…"

Buffy stood, and Spike almost panicked. Then he saw she was taking off her jeans, and he sighed in relief. If she ran off now, he was pretty sure he'd just spontaneously combust. She knelt over him, starting slowly, taking just the head into her. Spike hissed, the pleasure so exquisite it was almost pain. Then Buffy moved up only to push down again quickly, taking him all in one stroke. They both cried out together, and Spike took hold of her hips, moving her up and down in a desperate attempt for more friction.

Buffy rode him frantically, making positively inhuman noises. Spike held her hard enough to bruise, watching her as she threw her head back in ecstasy. Suddenly, he flipped them over, making Buffy gasp in surprise. He pounded into her, Buffy's hands moving to claw at his back, leaving long, dark red welts in their wake.

Buffy let out a long, keening yell, and Spike knew she was there. He drove in harder, Buffy's fingernails now digging exclusively into his shoulders. He welcomed the pain, allowing it to mix with the pleasure until it was all too much. He came with a shout, collapsing down on top of her.

When he came to his senses enough to realize he was probably crushing her, Spike rolled to the side. "We missed the bed," Buffy said.

Spike chuckled. "Lucky for the bed." He turned to her. "You were amazing."

Buffy looked at him, her eyes almost sad. "You got the job done yourself."

Spike let out a deep breath. Here it was. The Guilt. "Buffy…"

"Don't. I know."

Spike nodded. She looked sad again, and Spike hated that, hated himself for not having enough strength to turn her away when he knew what this was going to do to her. "Are you hungry?" he asked. As much as he knew he shouldn't, he wanted her to stay.

"Yeah."

"What me to make us some lunch? I'm not much of a cook, but I can open a can of soup and make a mean grilled cheese sandwich."

Buffy laughed lightly, and Spike was grateful for that. "Okay." She moved, wincing a little. "Can I use your bathroom to clean up? I'm kinda, um, messy."

"Yeah, of course."

Buffy stood, glancing at Spike before hurrying to the bathroom. Spike stood, pulling his pants back up and refastening them. He frowned slightly, realizing that they'd never been able to take it slow enough to actually get him fully undressed. He glanced down at his shirt, but decided to skip it. His back was stinging a bit from her fingernails, and he didn't want the cloth irritating it.

Spike ran his fingers through his hair in a weak attempt to calm it down and went into the kitchen.

*** *** ***

Spike almost dropped the bread when he heard Buffy gasp. He turned around, his eyes widening at her look of horror. "What?"

"Your…your back! Oh my god, did I do that?"

"Um, yeah."

"Spike, I am so sorry."

"It's okay." Spike smiled, both at the fact that she was so concerned for him, and the fact that she was now wearing only his shirt. Must mean she wasn't planning to run right off.

"They look really bad. Do you think you need to disinfect them?" She glanced up at his hair and smirked. "I know you have to have some peroxide around here somewhere…."

"Hey!" Spike said, giving her a mock hurt expression. "You don't like my hair?"

"I never said that. It's very sexy—in a Billy Idol sort of way."

"I'll have you know he stole the look from me," Spike said, looking indignant. Buffy raised an eyebrow, clearly indicating she didn't believe him. "What? He did!"

"Uh huh, sure. But your back. It's…"

"Not a big deal." Spike winked. "Besides, I kinda like the fact I can make you lose control like that. Makes me feel all manly."

Buffy sauntered up to him, hooking her thumbs in his belt loops and pulling him closer. "You are definitely quite manly. She looked down, smiling like the Cheshire cat. "Very manly."

Spike pushed himself against her. "Glad you like it, pet."

"Boy do I ever," Buffy replied, sounding almost unaware that the words were even leaving her mouth. She blushed a little, and Spike chuckled. How she could go from blushing innocent to sex kitten and back again endeared him to no end.

He leaned down, taking her chin in his hand. "Are you okay, Buffy?"

"Why are you asking me that? I'm not the one that looks like a tiger used his back as a scratching post."

"I didn't mean physically. I meant…"

"I know what you meant. I just don't…can't we pretend for a bit that none of that matters? That it's just you and me?"

Spike wasn't sure how he felt about that, but he wanted Buffy to be happy. "Sure, pet."

"Good." She smiled. "Now how's that lunch coming? I'm hungry."

"Oh, look who's the bossy little bint," Spike said, kissing her. "Give me a couple of minutes, and I'll have it ready."

Buffy smiled up at him, and Spike decided maybe pretending wasn't so bad after all.

*** *** ***

Spike sat with Buffy on the couch watching television. She flipped through the channels, frowning at each new thing that came on. Finally, she stopped, smiling again and moving to curl up next to Spike. He wrapped his arm around her, kissing the top of her head.

"Is this show all right?" Buffy asked.

She could've put on a dog show for all Spike cared at the moment. "It's fine, pet."

Buffy moved around a bit, situating herself so she was even closer to Spike. She threw one leg over his, and the oversized black t-shirt she was wearing rode up, letting Spike see a bit of her low-cut panties. He shifted uncomfortably, wondering if he could initiate anything else with her. She seemed open to continue whatever this was that was going on between them, but Spike was afraid to push it.

Buffy moved again, this time her hand brushing over his crotch for just a second. Spike sucked in a deep breath. Had she meant to do that? He looked down, seeing that Buffy was focusing on the television, chuckling a little at whatever was going on on the screen. Spike decided it had been accidental and told his body to calm down. Whatever happened here, he'd left Buffy take it at her own pace.

Buffy's hand brushed against his groin again, this time lingering for a moment. Spike raised an eyebrow. Was that an accident? He wasn't sure. Then she did it again, this time giving him a definite squeeze. He swallowed. There was no way that wasn't on purpose. But still, she didn't look at him, staring ahead at the television. Spike smirked. If she wanted to play a little game, he'd up the ante.

Spike reached down slowly, dipping his hand pants the waistband of her panties. Buffy let out an almost inaudible gasp, but didn't say anything. Spike continued down, finding his target and pressing down with his thumb. Buffy gasped louder this time, but still tried to act as if her attention was focused on the television and not him. Spike pushed two fingers inside her, smiling to find her already wet. He moved his thumb in a hard circular motion as his fingers slid in and out. Buffy's breathing grew heavier, more ragged, and Spike watched her as she fell apart against his hand, moaning his name and bucking against him as she came.

Spike slid his hand from between her legs, watching as Buffy tried to recompose herself. He leaned down, pressing his mouth to her ear and whispering hotly, "Let's see if we can make it to the bed this time."

"I'm trying to watch television."

Spike gaped for a second before he saw the smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "Like hell you are," he said as he stood up. He grabbed Buffy, throwing her over his shoulder. Buffy squealed, laughing as she struggled, yelling at him to put her down. "I'll put you down when I'm good and ready," Spike replied, carrying her to the bed. "And that would be now." He threw her down on top of the mattress.

Buffy pulled his shirt off of her, and Spike let himself stare for a moment. Sure, he'd seen women with chests larger than hers before, but never had anyone else seemed so perfect. Buffy looked up, locking eyes with him as she slid her panties down her legs and then kicked them off. Spike started down on top of her, but she rolled away. "Not like that," she told him, sitting up. Spike raised an eyebrow, and Buffy turned, positioning herself on her hands and knees. "Like this." She turned her head to look at him and winked.

Spike wasted no time in ripping off his jeans and joining Buffy in the bed. "Do you have any idea what you do to me, Buffy?" Spike asked, settling on his knees behind her and positioning himself at her entrance.

"I'm hoping I make you want to fuck me," Buffy said, pushing back so he was inside her.

"That's part of it," Spike said with a groan, sliding in and out of her slowly.

Buffy bit her bottom lip. It wasn't enough. She didn't want gentle. She wanted wild. She wanted passion like she'd been missing out on for five years of marriage. She wrapped her hand around the cast iron bars of the headboard, pushing herself against him. "Harder, Spike. Make me really feel it."

Spike knew he'd never be able to deny this woman anything.  He gave her want she wanted, listening to her moan, feeling her clamp down around him as he brought her to higher and higher planes of ecstasy.

Hours later, Buffy lay in Spike's arms, a small smile playing across her lips. "I take it you enjoyed that, pet," Spike said, kissing her hair.

Buffy chuckled. "What gave you that idea?"

"Oh god, Spike, do it more! Harder!" Spike said in falsetto. He smirked at her. "Something like that clued me in."

"If I had any strength in my limbs whatsoever, I'd smack you right now."

"Save it for later, and you can smack me around all you want," Spike said, wagging his eyebrows.

Buffy laughed. "You promise?"

"Only if you let me return the favor."

"Mmm. I think I like the idea of us and kinky."

Spike gave her a little squeeze. "Me, too."

"Although right now, I like the idea of us and sleeping," Buffy said, closing her eyes. "You wore me out."

"You did a little wearing out yourself, Buffy," Spike replied. "So I guess you're sleeping here tonight."

Buffy's eyes opened, and she looked up at him. "Is that okay?"

"Of course. I just thought you might want to go home." Spike added quickly. "But I like you here. Right here."

"I couldn't sleep in the bed I share with…I couldn't sleep in that bed tonight."

Spike nodded. "I understand. Good night, Buffy."

"Good night, Spike."

Spike held her close wishing that this was all as real as it felt when she was in his arms.

*** *** ***

Buffy was the first to wake the next morning. Spike was sleeping peacefully beside her, the sheet draped casually over his lower half, giving her a teasing glimpse of his hip. Buffy took a moment to just take him in. He was like a Greek statue come to life—her own personal Adonis. She felt giddy at the thought, tracing the well-defined muscles of his abdomen with her finger.

Suddenly, Spike reached up and grabbed her hand, making Buffy gasp. "That tickles, pet."

"Sorry, I was just…" She smiled. "I was just admiring the view."

"Oh? Like what you see?"

"Yes."

"So do I," Spike replied, pushing her hair away from her face. "As a matter of fact, you look good enough to eat." He started to move down, but Buffy took hold of his shoulder, stopping him.

"You don't have to do that."

"I know I don't have to," Spike said. "But I want to."

"Really, it's okay. I don't like it anyway."

Spike propped himself up on his elbow, raising an eyebrow at her. "You don't like that? How can you not like that?"

"I just don't," Buffy replied.

"Have you ever had it?"

"Yes. It wasn't all it's cracked up to be."

"Ah. You've never had it done properly."

"What's 'proper' about it?"

Spike gave her a grin. "Nothing, baby. That's part of the fun. Come on, let me show you how good it can be."

Buffy sighed. "Fine. But I'm telling you, it's just not my thing."

"Uh huh. Tell me that after I'm done." Spike positioned himself between her legs, lifting them up so they rested on his shoulders. He could feel Buffy's whole body tense with nervousness. "Relax, kitten," he said, rubbing his finger up and down over her. "I won't bite…hard."

Buffy let out a deep breath, her hands resting by her side. She felt the first swipe of Spike's tongue, and her whole body jerked. He lapped at her gently at first, then with increasing pressure. When he began to flick her clit back and forth with the tip of his tongue, Buffy's hands clenched, wadding the sheets in her fists.

Spike smirked against her as he heard her whimpers and gasps. When he took her clit into his mouth and sucked she cried out, bucking her hips. Spike gently grazed her flesh with his teeth, and Buffy let out a choked sob. Spike pulled away suddenly, putting her legs down and rocking back onto his knees.

Buffy's eyes flew open. "Wha…why…Go back!" she said, desperate for the pleasure to continue.

"But you don't like it. It's not your 'thing,'" Spike replied.

"I was wrong! I was so wrong and bad to ever doubt your greatness, now get back down there!"

Spike chuckled. "As you wish, my lady." Spike settled back down, pushing his tongue inside her. Buffy moaned, thrusting her hips. Spike moved back to her clit again, licking it hard as he slipped three fingers inside her. Buffy screamed this time, digging her fingers into his hair hard enough to hurt. Spike smiled with pride, knowing she was lost in pleasure, and he was the one doing it to her.

When she came, she squeezed him between her thighs, but Spike was relentless, not stopping until every aftershock had charged through her body. Buffy flopped back on the bed, her arms and legs nothing but deadweight. Spike slid back up, leaving a trail of wet kisses on her body as he did. "Seems like you do like that after all, pet," Spike said, tugging on her earlobe with his teeth.

"Apparently," Buffy said, surprised she could actually talk.

Spike pushed his erection against her leg. "Did things for me, too."

"I…I can't."

"Sure you can," Spike said, nibbling at her neck.

Buffy sighed. She knew she was too satiated to get anything out of it herself, but she decided after what he just did for her, it was the least she could do. "Fine."

Spike slid inside her in one thrust, the pressure making her over-stimulated body tremble. Spike moved slowly, pulling out almost completely before inching back in. To her surprise and delight, Buffy found herself spiraling higher again, Spike's body bringing hers to places she never knew she could go. When she came this time, the stars exploded behind her eyes and then she felt nothing.

Buffy opened her eyes again a few minutes, looking up at Spike who was now perched on his elbow, watching her. "What happened?" she asked groggily.

"You blacked out," Spike said with a distinct tone of smugness.

"I guess you're proud of yourself."

Spike's smile grew. "I think I have every reason to be." He kissed her quickly before sitting up. "Come on, kitten. I'm starved. Let's go out and get some breakfast."

"But, I…I want to stay in bed." Buffy pouted.

"More bed later. Sustenance now. Gotta keep the energy levels up, you know." Spike grabbed her arms, pulling her out of bed.

"Fine," Buffy grumbled. "But you just keep in mind that the lack of bedness is totally your fault."

"I will. Now let's take a shower. I'm sure we could both use it."

Buffy perked up at that. She was a little surprised at how quickly she'd recovered from their last round, but the idea of wet, naked Spike was just too yummy for her to pass up. "Shower it is," she said, following him into the bathroom.

*** *** ***

By the time they actually managed to get out of the house, it was well past breakfast time and now firmly into lunch—and a late one at that. Spike and Buffy went to a restaurant on the other side of town, hoping they wouldn't be noticed.

Buffy should've known she wouldn't be so lucky. She and Spike had just started eating when she heard a familiar voice calling her name. She closed her eyes and swore under her breath. "Buffy! What are you doing on this side of town?"

Buffy smiled as best she could. "Willow! I could ask the same of you."

"Tara and I were checking out a book store over here." Willow squeezed the other girl's hand. "And who's this guy you're having lunch with who isn't Riley?"

"I'm her neighbor, William," Spike said. "You're friends of Buffy's?"

Willow nodded, looking at Spike with suspicion. "Yes."

"Isn't this funny, Buffy? First you run into me out here, and then them? Guess this is an even smaller town than we thought," Spike said.

Buffy gave Spike a quick, grateful look. "I know, what are the odds?"

Willow smiled, obviously taking the excuse as it stood. Tara frowned a little, but said nothing. "So you're Buffy's neighbor?" Willow asked, turning to Spike.

"Yeah. Have been ever since the Finns moved in."

Buffy winced at the mention of "the Finns." She didn't like thinking of her husband when she was with Spike. She wanted to separate those parts of life. "William's a novelist," Buffy said, trying to make conversation that wouldn't be uncomfortable.

Willow looked impressed. "Are you published?"

"Last book made the New York Times Bestseller list."

"I didn't know we had any famous authors here in Sunnydale."

Spike chuckled. "I'm not that famous. Sort of, um, a recluse." Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Oh," Willow said with a nod. "I got it."

"Let's go sit down," Tara said, giving both Buffy and Spike a glance. "I'm hungry."

"Okay," Willow replied. "Good seeing you Buffy. And meeting you, William."

"You, too," Spike replied. He smiled at Tara. "Both of you."

Tara nodded, looking down a little. "You, too."

"Call me later," Willow said to Buffy before she and Tara went to their table on the other side of the restaurant.

"I think the quiet one suspects something," Spike said after they were alone again.

"Tara? She's always shy. Well, until she gets to know you. She's really nice. Willow's lucky to have her. And she's lucky to have Willow, too." Buffy stopped, realizing she was babbling.

Spike could see how uncomfortable Buffy was. "Do you want to leave?"

Buffy shook her head, but didn't look up at him. "No. I want to finish eating."

They ate the rest of the meal in silence.

*** *** ***

Spike glanced over at Buffy as they drove back home. She'd barely said anything to him at all since they'd run into her friends, and Spike couldn't help but worry that that one thing had killed whatever it was they were starting here. "Are you okay, Buffy?"

"I had to lie to my best friend," Buffy replied so softly Spike almost didn't hear her.

"I'm sorry. We can be more careful…"

"What, go out in disguise?" Buffy snapped. "Maybe we can wear big hats and fake mustaches."

Spike flinched. "We just won't go out anymore. Won't take any chances."

"I'm not sure I can do this," Buffy said. "I thought I could, but seeing Willow…it just made it all too real."

"What? Last night, this morning, that wasn't real?"

"No. Maybe." Buffy sighed. "I don't know."

"What do you want, Buffy?"

"I don't know!" Spike pulled the car onto their street. "I'm just going to go back to my house."

Spike's jaw tightened. "Yeah." He knew it would end like this, but it didn't make it any less painful. After just a day with her, he'd already started falling hard. She did things to him that no woman ever had before, making him feel things he hadn't even known were possible. But she wasn't his, and it couldn't last.

Spike pulled up in her driveway, and Buffy all but ran out of the car. She didn't say anything to him, and Spike didn't call out to her. He just backed away and drove to his own house. As soon as Spike got inside, he went straight for the liquor cabinet, not bothering with a glass as he took a drink from the bottle. He didn't want to think, didn't want to keep kicking himself for doing this in the first place. He knew being with Buffy would be nothing but heartache for both of them, but he'd jumped into it anyway.

"Your…your door wasn't locked. I…I didn't think you'd mind if I just came in."

Spike turned, putting the bottle down. "Buffy?"

Buffy ran to him, falling against his chest and crying. "I don't know what to do, Spike. I tried to go home, but I couldn't. Why can't I stop this?"

Spike held her close, feeling his own eyes grow damp. "I don't know, pet. I can't stop either."

Buffy looked up at him, her pain and confusion evident in her eyes. She grabbed his face, kissing him hard. The rational part of Spike's brain told him to walk away now before this spiraled down any further, but he couldn't. In such a short time, he'd come to crave her.

Spike held Buffy close to him, deciding to enjoy what time he had with her before it all came crashing down around them.

*** *** ***

Spike hated the sad look that was on Buffy's face now. She'd barely left his house in three days, the two of them feeling as if they'd slipped out of the world all together, building one of their own. The guilt from her eyes had faded away, and Spike had finally seen what Buffy looked like happy. She was beautiful.

But now the pain and the shame were back. Riley would be home in just a few hours, and Buffy needed to go back home and be ready for him. It would blow whatever it was she and Spike had if Riley came home to find Buffy in bed with the neighbor.

Part of Spike wished she'd tell him that she wasn't going home at all. That she'd forget all about Riley and stay with him instead. But he knew he couldn't ask that of her. It was obvious she still felt something for her husband, despite the decline of their marriage. He pushed her hair away from her face, wanting to commit her features to memory in case she decided not to come back to him again.

Buffy looked down, and Spike tried to imagine what she was thinking, what exactly put that pain in her eyes. He figured she was thinking about Riley, and how difficult it would be to face him with the guilt of how she'd spent their time apart.

"I don't know how I'm going to sleep at night," Buffy said, her voice quiet enough to almost be a whisper.

"Feeling bad about we did?" Spike asked, his chest tightening.

Buffy shook her head. "I meant without you next to me. You…you hold me. How am I going to sleep without you holding me?" Buffy started to cry.

Spike was completely taken aback. He hugged her tightly. "I wish I could hold you tonight, too, Buffy."

"Why isn't this my life, Spike? Why can't I have this?"

Spike didn't know what to tell her. That she could? That all she had to do was throw away her marriage, her home? "I don't know," he said softly.

Buffy clung to him tightly. After a moment, she pulled away, regaining her composure. "We should stay away from each other while Riley's home," she said, her tone now all business. "But he'll be gone Thursday morning. Can I come over that afternoon?"

"Of course," Spike replied.

Buffy beamed. "Good. I'll see you Thursday."

Spike nodded. "See you then."

Buffy gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before walking out the door. She was gone for only a moment before she burst back through the door, throwing her arms around him again. She kissed him deeply, leaving Spike breathless when she finally pulled away again. She gave him one last, longing look before running out the door.

*** *** ***

Clem could tell immediately something was off with Spike. The bleach blond was fidgety and nervous, constantly losing his concentration. "Spike, buddy, are you even with me?"

"Sure," Spike said. He pointed at the T.V. "David Hasslehoff's got a talking car. Bloody brilliant television that. Why?"

"I dunno, you just seem some place else," Clem replied. "You've barely touched your chicken wings. That's not like you, Spike."

"I'm fine."

"It's not nice to keep things from your best friend."

"Clem, we're men. We're supposed to grunt and drink beer, not spill our deepest darkest secrets."

Clem shrugged. "Suit yourself. But I've found I feel much better if I talk things out."

Spike sighed. "I slept with Buffy."

"Buffy…married Buffy?"

"Do you think I'd honestly know two women named Buffy? What are the odds?"

"This is Southern California."

Spike snorted. "Tell me about it. Sometimes I long for the rain of fog of London. All this sunshine is bad for my pasty complexion."

Clem laughed a little before sobering again. "You changed the subject. What happened with Buffy? Did she split with her husband?"

"No. She's there with him right now. Just had the privilege of seeing them eating a nice little dinner together when I went into the kitchen to get another beer," Spike said bitterly. "Makes me want to heave."

Clem frowned. "What about not having sex with a married woman? Spike, buddy, no matter what you feel for this woman, it's wrong."

"Don't you think I bloody well know that!" Clem flinched, and Spike sighed, calming down. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. It's just, well, I don't know how this got to be such a mess." Spike ran his hands through his hair. "When she first moved in, I didn't even notice her. Things were just finalized with Drusilla, and the last thing I wanted to think about were neighbors who were the very picture of wedded, suburban bliss. But then one morning, about six months ago, I was sitting on the porch after a, um, rather late night. Buffy came out in this tiny little robe, the early morning sunlight bouncing off her hair and tan skin, and I swear, she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. I thought maybe it was something to do with the fact I'd been drinking for almost twenty-four hours straight, so I came out one morning just to get a look at her sober. And bloody hell, Clem, she was even more beautiful then. Like a sodding angel.

"After that, I came outside every morning I could, just to look at her. Never exchanged more than a few pleasantries with her, never dreamed I'd ever get to touch her. But then it happened. Somehow, we were eating Chinese food on my floor, drinking beer on my back porch, talking about our lives. I just felt such a connection with her, like having Buffy around was the most natural thing in the world."

"So you decided to make that connection physical?" Clem asked.

Spike shook his head. "No, mate. That isn't how it happened. See, she just came over here one day like she'd been doing, and jumped me. Had sex with her right there on the floor." Clem raised his feet a little, but Spike didn't seem to notice. "She ran off after that. Told me later she'd thought her husband was cheating on her, and she was using me. Then apparently, she found out he wasn't. Don't know the details to that."

"Ouch," Clem said with a wince. "So she avoiding you now?"

Spike shook her head. "Almost wish she was. That might be easier. No, she came back, said she knew she shouldn't, but she wanted me anyway. We spent these three really great days together. It got a little rocky at one point, what with the guilt an all, but then everything was perfect."

"Until she had to go home?"

Spike sighed. "Until she had to go home. She's supposed to come back Thursday. Unless she comes to her senses and realizes that the last thing she wants is to have an affair—especially with a guy like me."

"Hey, don't sell yourself short," Clem said. "You have a lot of very positive attributes. I'm sure you could find a nice single girl. Maybe if you gave up on smoking. Women these days hate that. Or so I hear…"

Spike shook his head. "It's not that simple, Clem. Buffy, she's unlike any woman I've ever met. She seems so small and delicate, like she'd break as easy as Dru. But she isn't. I've never met anyone with a fire like hers. And the things she does to me…the way she makes it hurt in all the wrong places. I've never been with such an animal."

Clem held up his hands. "Wow. TMI there, buddy. Too much information… But seriously, great sex can be a wonderful thing, but is it worth ruining your life over, ruining Buffy's life over?"

"It's not just the sex, Clem. Don't you get it? I'm in love with her!" Spike's eyes widened a little bit as he realized what he'd just said—and how true it was.

"You're in love with her?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"Spike, man, this isn't good. I mean, I'm sure this Buffy is a real pretty lady, but, well, she's not really available. And what about how you felt when Dru was cheating on you? Do you really want to do that to some other guy?"

"Riley doesn't love Buffy half as much as I loved Drusilla," Spike replied, his jaw clenched. "Dammit, Clem, he barely even seems to realize she exists. He's gone all the time, leaving her alone and miserable."

"And you're conveniently there to fill up her free time?"

"No, it isn't like that! Buffy, she cares about me, too."

"Spike, I don't know anything about this specific relationship, but I've seen how these things can go. Lonely housewife finds a guy to play with when the man of the house is out. It might start out fun, but in the end, all there is is heartache, my friend."

"Buffy isn't like that. I'm not a game to her—I mean something."

"Didn't you say earlier that she told you she was using you?"

"Just the first time. She wasn't after that."

"Are you sure?"

Spike frowned. In all honesty, he wasn't. But he couldn't let himself believe that he meant that little to Buffy. The way she'd look at him, the way she'd cried when she'd left because she couldn't sleep in his arms that night—that had to be real. "I love her, Clem."

"Yeah, I get that, but…"

"No buts. Look, I know this isn't the ideal situation, but I can't just walk away from this. It's like there's a part of me that Drusilla made dead inside, and Buffy wakes it up again."

"I...I just don't want to see you hurt."

"I know. That's the last thing I want, too, but I can't turn my back on this woman. Now come on, let's get back to the telly, huh? I'm not sure I can take much more of this angst crap right now."

"Yeah…" Clem said, frowning. He smiled again, mainly for Spike's sake. "Let's see what wacky adventures Michael Knight and his four-wheeled pal K.I.T.T. get into."

*** *** ***

"You know, you really should lock your door. Who knows what kind of bad things could creep in here and take you by surprise."

Spike jumped, turning in his chair to see Buffy in the doorway of his study. "Bloody hell, woman, you scared me half to death!" Spike cocked his head when he noticed what she was wearing—or more what she wasn't wearing. "Nice, um, little trench coat you have there, pet."

Buffy gave him a wicked smile. "I didn't think I needed to bother with clothes. Never seem to keep them on around you anyway."

"I thought you weren't coming back by until Thursday," Spike said, surprised he could talk with how dry his mouth had suddenly become.

Buffy walked slowly to him, kneeling down before his chair. "Riley went to play golf. He won't be back for hours. I was bored." Buffy reached out to unzip him, but Spike stopped her.

"Is that all I am to you? Something to alleviate your boredom?"

"No! How could you ask me that?"

Spike ran his hand through his hair. "Buffy, I just…I just don't know what this means to you."

Buffy jumped up. "So what, you assume that it means nothing?"

"No! It's just that, dammit…" What Clem had suggested the day before kept replaying in Spike's mind. "You're a married woman, Buffy. For all I know I'm just a diversion."

"Is that what you think?" Buffy asked angrily. "That I'm just bored with my marriage and trying to get my kicks elsewhere? Maybe you figure I'm going to start fucking the whole block, move right down the street from house to house. Mr. Reynolds, the eighty-six year old widower, lives next to you, doesn't he? Tell me, does he have a history of heart trouble?"

"That isn't what I meant! I just… I know I'm more of a diversion to you, Buffy," Spike said, not sure if he believed himself.

"You are," Buffy said, walking back over to him. "You make me feel, Spike."

"You do the same for me, pet."

Buffy sat in his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and laying against his shoulder. "It's been so long since I've just done what I wanted to do," Buffy said softly as Spike's arms went around her. Ever since I lost my mom, I've had to do everything for someone else—for Dawn, for Riley. I had to give up going to school, give up any dreams of my own. Anything I wanted I had to put on hold, had to give up to make someone else's dreams come true. And being with you, well, maybe it's selfish, but it's something I'm doing for me." Buffy let out a deep breath. "It's what I want, what makes me happy. Sometimes I hate myself for it, but I need to be selfish just this once. I was wasting away, Spike. I felt nothing. Every day, it was like living in a fog, like I wasn't even here. Sometimes I felt like I wasn't even really living my life. Like I was going through the motions, but nothing meant anything. Nothing was real. But you, you changed that. This thing we have, it's raw and heavy, and I can feel everything. The pleasure, the pain, I feel it."

Spike was silent for a moment, taking in what she'd said. Whether she meant to or not, Spike knew now Buffy was still using him. It may not be only for a bit of fun when her husband was away, but it was still for something. But he didn't care. He could give her this. In such a short time, she'd come to mean so much to him, and he'd give her this even if it hurt him in the end. He pressed his lips against her temple, breathing in the scent of her hair. "I feel it too, pet," he said softly.

Buffy looked up at him. Their eyes met, and Buffy felt an almost physical jolt. "If eyes are the window to the soul, then William's is beautiful," she thought suddenly. Buffy shook the thought from her mind. She couldn't do this, couldn't let herself fall for this man. She was Riley's wife—till death do us part. Riley could give her the stability she needed to survive. But this eccentric writer, with his penchant for peroxide, punk music, and black leather coats, could give her what she needed to live. She kissed Spike, reveling in the flavor of tobacco and liquor that she would never taste on Riley's lips. She pulled away, giving Spike a tempting smile. "Am I distracting you from your work?" she asked, nodding towards the computer screen. "Because I could go…" She started to get up.

Spike grabbed her hips, pushing her against him. "It's a welcome distraction," he said hotly.

"So I should continue then?"

"Distract away."

Buffy turned so she was straddling him. She unbuttoned the trench coat and shrugged it off her shoulders, showing Spike that she was as naked under there as he'd suspected. Buffy reached for his fly, her hand resting on the button. "You have something in there for me?" she asked, looking up at him wide eyed. "It feels big."

Spike looked down at her, his eyes dark and smoldering. "It is big for you, kitten. Big and hard."

Buffy felt a thrill go through her. She loved the way Spike talked to her, the way he looked at her like he wanted to consume her. It had been so long since she'd felt passion like that, trading heat for the comfortable, safe love she shared with Riley. But this, this she missed. She opened Spike's jeans, then scoot back, giving herself enough room to lean down and take him in her mouth. Spike groaned, grabbing on to the arms of the chair.

Buffy held on tightly to Spike's thighs to keep herself from falling backwards, hollowing out her cheeks as she slid up and down as fast as she could. Spike thrust into her mouth slightly, begging for more, less, he wasn't sure. Buffy took in every sensation, loving giving this to him. She pulled up, and Spike smiled down at her, stroking her hair. That was another thing she loved about sex with him. It was never about demanding, about what he could get out of her. He'd never tried to push her down there when she didn't want to go, never tried to make her continue when she was ready to stop, and somehow she knew he never would.

"You're so good at that, pet," Spike said, cupping her cheek. "Such a gift to feel that pretty little mouth on me. Thank you." Suddenly, Buffy's eyes filled with tears. Spike looked at her, concern apparent in his features. "Buffy, did I say something wrong?"

"No," Buffy said, sniffing a little. "You said something right."

Spike wiped a tear off her cheek. "I don't get it."

"With Riley, that's like a war. He's always pushing my head down, just expecting me to do it whenever he wants. I hate doing it for him. It's like a damn chore. But you, you thank me."

"It's not like a chore with me, is it, Buffy?" Spike asked. "Because if it is, then you don't have to do it anymore, pet. I won't be offended." He winked at her. "And I won't quit doing it for you, either."

"No, it's not a chore with you. And that's why. You make me feel like it's something for both of us, something we share."

"Everything's something we share. I wouldn't want it if you didn't."

Buffy started crying again. "You deserve something better than this thing with me, Spike."

"I don't want anything else. I want you, pet." Spike lifted her slightly, positioning her over his erection and then letting her slide down. Buffy stayed still for a moment, just looking into his eyes. Then she began to move, rocking back and forth, sending tiny shocks of pleasure throughout his body.

Buffy began to move faster, still not breaking eye contact with Spike. He linked his hands behind the small of her back, giving her more support. Buffy's hands roamed from his chest up to his hair and back again, her fingers making Spike feel as if they were leaving a trail of fire in their wake. Still, she held his gaze, and Spike couldn't remember ever feeling anything so intense. The world seemed to telescope in on them until all that was left was this one space in time, this one place. Buffy and her deep green eyes that seemed to be looking right through to his core were his whole world.

Buffy's movements got more frantic, and Spike knew she was close. He began to raise his hips a little, pushing further into her, knowing he wasn't far from the edge himself. Then, he was there, and he realized so was Buffy. She never let her eyes stop being locked with his, and Spike felt himself going with her to a place he wasn't sure he'd ever been before.

Buffy collapsed against his chest, trembling. Spike placed shaky kisses in her hair, holding her as tightly as he could. "How long until you have to be home?" Spike asked.

"Not until late," Buffy said. "Riley's gone all day when he plays golf. He says he goes out for drinks with the guys afterwards." Spike reached down and refastened his pants, then stood with Buffy cradled in his arms. "Where are we going?" Buffy asked.

"Bedroom."

"I know I've said it before, but I really mean it this time—I'm too worn out from that last time to go again."

"I know. Me, too. I just want to hold you."

Buffy smiled, pressing her head against his chest as he walked with her down the hall. "Mmm. Holding is good." Spike laid her gently on the bed before undressing and joining her. He pulled the sheet over the two of them as Buffy cuddled up next to him, using his chest for her pillow. "I've missed this so much," Buffy said, closing her eyes.

"Me, too," Spike agreed, kissing her hair. Spike held Buffy as she drifted off, waiting until he knew she was asleep. "I love you, Buffy Anne Summers," he said softly before closing his own eyes.

*** *** ***

When Spike woke a few hours later, Buffy's side of the bed was already cold. If it wasn't for the scent of her perfume still lingering on the sheets, he'd wonder if it had been real or a dream. He knew she'd had to leave in order to keep her husband from catching her gone, but it still hurt to wake up alone after sharing a moment that made him feel so close to her. He got out of bed and pulled on his jeans, walking into the kitchen to look out the window. Their curtains were closed so he couldn't see outside the house, but he could see Riley's car in the driveway.

The thought of Riley in there with Buffy made Spike angry. Riley didn't deserve Buffy. She was a wonderful woman, with such passion inside of her, and Riley didn't even know how to bring it out. He thought about the conversation he'd had with her earlier about Riley trying to push her into things she wasn't in the mood for and felt filled with rage. That git who treated her like that got to be her husband, while Spike who'd do anything to make her happy got only a cold, empty bed.

Spike picked a glass up from beside the sink and threw it at the wall, enjoying just that small act of destruction. He'd had a reputation once for being the kind you didn't mess with, and although the years had tamed him, the fighter inside him still rebelled at being forced to be kept subdued. He wanted to kill Riley, to tear the man limb from limb, and then take Buffy to a place where nothing could ever hurt her again. But he couldn't. He had to settle for being the second man in her life, the one she only loved in the shadows.

Spike went to clean up the mess he'd made, not even caring when he sliced his finger on a shard of broken glass. The physical pain was a welcome distraction from the emotional kind. He knew Buffy would never truly be his, and the thought ate him up inside. Despite her obvious misery in her marriage, Buffy didn't want to leave it. She'd told Spike that Riley was her husband, and she wasn't prepared to walk away completely from that commitment.

"If only Dru had been that loyal," Spike muttered to himself, bringing the bits of broken glass to the trashcan. He froze, a realization coming to him. He didn't want Drusilla anymore. As much as an emotional roller coaster his relationship with Buffy was turning out to be, he wouldn't trade it for anything, even his ex-wife. Drusilla had been his everything, his dark princess, and now, she'd been pushed out of his heart by someone her opposite in almost every way.

"Oh Buffy," Spike said aloud. "What have you done to me?"

*** *** ***

Spike spent all Thursday morning a nervous wreck. He hadn't talked to Buffy since the few hours they'd stolen while Riley had played golf. What if she'd changed her mind? What if Riley hadn't left? Spike wasn't sure he could stand being away from her any longer.

When Spike finally heard a knock at his door, he ran to it, stopping only once his hand was on the doorknob. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that he was an adult and not some desperate schoolboy. He opened the door, giving Buffy a slow, sexy smile. "Here already?" he asked.

"As if I could stay away from you." Buffy walked in, carrying a small duffle bag with her. "Hope you don't mind that I brought a few things with me. I didn't really want to have to leave once I got here."

Spike wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close. "That's fine. I don't want you leaving either. Although, I do hope you didn't waste your time and pack a lot of clothes." He waggled his eyebrows at her.

Buffy's bag dropped to the ground as Spike leaned in and kissed her. After a moment, Buffy pulled away, smiling lazily at Spike. "Hmm…seems like someone missed me."

"You know I did, pet."

Buffy moved out of his arms, giving him a wink. "Meet you in the bedroom." She took off, running towards the hall.

"Minx!" Spike called after her, running to catch up with her. She got to the edge of the bed, and Spike tackled her, the two of them collapsing onto the mattress in a fit of laughter. After a moment, Spike rolled with her, pinning Buffy beneath him with her arms above her head.

"Now that you've caught me, what are you going to do with me?" Buffy asked.

"Dunno. Maybe I should tie you up so you can't escape again."

Buffy tried to make her expression serious, though a small smile was tugging at the corner of her mouth. "You better do that. Keep me from running away like a bad, bad girl."

Spike grinned down at her, the pain he'd felt before melting away now that Buffy was back in his arms. She could make him feel as if all was right with the world.

*** *** ***

"Tell me about Drusilla."

Spike froze. Why was Buffy asking him about his ex-wife of all people? They'd just spent hours having amazing sex, and now all he wanted was to lay there with her in his arms and bask in the afterglow, not talk about the train wreck that was his marriage. "Why?"

"I don't know, I just… How did you meet her?"

Spike let out a deep breath. He could tell from the look in Buffy's eyes that she wasn't just going to let this go. Maybe he could make it quick and painless. "Do you remember the woman I mentioned a while back, Cecily?"

"The one you wrote the poetry for?"

"Yeah. I was at a party, and I finally got the nerve to tell Cecily how I felt. She rejected me. Dru found me afterwards, and I guess we just clicked."

"I dropped a book on Riley's head."

"Excuse me?"

"That's how I met him. I went to college for a bit, before my mom got sick. I was getting my textbooks, and I dropped one on Riley's head." Buffy laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. "Maybe I should've taken that as an omen and gotten the hell out."

Spike wondered what brought on Buffy's sudden need to talk about Dru and Riley. Was it some form of guilt or was she simply commiserating with him on their failed marriages? Spike frowned. But hers wasn't a failed one, not really anyway. She was still Mrs. Finn, and she still wore his ring—though it had pleased Spike to notice she hadn't been wearing it when she'd come over that afternoon. "Do you wish you had?"

"Had what?"

"Gotten out then?"

Buffy paused for a second. "I don't know."

Spike hadn't expected her to say yes, but it still hurt when she didn't. However, what she said next quickly made up for it.

"I wouldn't have met you. Riley picked out our house, moved us in. If I hadn't married him, then I wouldn't live next door to you, and we wouldn't have this."

"If I hadn't have married Dru, I never would've moved to the States. She wanted to come here, not me."

"So without them, we wouldn't have each other."

"Possibly. You believe in fate, pet?"

"Fate? What about fate?"

"Maybe we were meant to meet. Instead of meeting because of them, we met in spite of them. Like this was destined."

Buffy turned her head away from him. "I don't believe in fate," she said. "Just random events, stringing together to form your life. Nothing destined about it."

Spike kissed the crown of her head. "I don't put much stock in fate myself. Just musing."

Buffy turned back, snuggling close to him. "I like this bit of randomness, though."

"Me, too," Spike replied, running his fingers through her hair. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Buffy."

Buffy looked at him, startled. "You have to have had better things in your life than this…"

"My life hasn't been all that interesting, pet."

"I don't know if I believe that," Buffy said, reaching up to trace the scar on his eyebrow. "How'd you get this?"

"Knife fight in China."

"Knife fight in China? And you're telling me your life isn't interesting. How'd you manage to get into a knife fight in China?"

Spike blushed. "That's a long story I'd rather not get into, kitten." He stroked her cheek. "Right now, I'd rather just kiss you more."

"Mmm. More kissing sounds good," Buffy said, craning her neck slightly to meet his descending lips. Spike wrapped his arms tightly around her, and Buffy forgot all about Spike's past loves and scars.

*** *** ***

Spike sat nervously on the other side of the couch, watching Buffy as her eyes scanned the page she held in her hand. He wasn't sure why he'd agreed to let her read what he had so far of his novel, other than she had asked, and he couldn't ever seem to bring himself to tell her no. Usually, he didn't let anyone read anything he wrote when it was still this rough, but she'd looked at him with wide, pleading eyes, and he'd found himself printing off everything he'd written as of yet, just because she wanted it. Spike frowned. He'd sworn after Drusilla he'd never let himself be love's bitch again, and yet, here he was.

Buffy had been reading for almost an hour. Her facial expressions had changed from time to time, but she'd said nothing, and Spike was growing nervous. What if she hated it? He usually didn't take the opinion of one person too seriously, but where Buffy was concerned, that rule changed. If she said it was terrible, he'd be tempted to delete everything he had and start all over again.

Finally, Buffy looked up, setting the pile of papers on her lap. "I like it." Spike smiled, relieved. "But I don't like Charlotte," she added.

Spike's smile quickly dropped away. "You don't like Charlotte? Why don't you like Charlotte?"

Buffy shrugged. "I don't know, there's just something about her. Why does Jack like her?"

"Why wouldn't he like her?" Spike asked. "She's gorgeous."

"That's not reason enough. I mean, Jack's this cool detective guy. If he wants a girl just for her looks, he can find one better than Charlotte."

"He's not just in it for her looks! Charlotte speaks to his soul."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Lame. Charlotte is trouble, and Jack should be smart enough to see it." Buffy paused for a second, then announced. "I think Charlotte's the killer."

"Charlotte is not the killer."

"How do you know? She could be."

"How do I… I bloody wrote it!"

"Whatever. She seems like a killer to me."

"Well, she's not. Why would she kill her own brother?"

"I don't know...inheritance money?"

"What inheritance money?"

Buffy sighed. "Maybe they have a rich uncle or something, but since Max was older, he'd get the money, and Charlotte wanted to prevent that."

"That's not in the story."

"Well, it could be."

"No. There is no inheritance money, Jack loves Charlotte, and she is not the killer."

"I think he'd be better with Ellie."

"Ellie! She's the plucky sidekick, not the love interest."

"They seemed like they had chemistry to me."

Spike took the manuscript away from her. "You don't know the first thing about writing."

"No, but I do know the first thing about reading, and if I read this to the end, and Jack got with Charlotte, I'd just go 'ugh.'"

"My writing makes you go 'ugh?'"

"It would if Jack ended up with that bitch Charlotte."

"She's not a bitch. She's…guarded."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Please. Total bitch. That part where she snapped at Ellie when Jack was out of the office getting sandwiches was completely uncalled for."

"I'll admit she's snippy at times, but…"

"At times! What about the way she treated that valet. Totally uncalled for."

"She was upset!"

"Yes, an upset little bitch."

"Can we talk about something else?" Spike asked.

"I was just trying to give you my honest opinion," Buffy said, noticing Spike's rapidly clouding mood. "I liked it, though."

"Just not one of the main characters," he muttered.

"Hey, you don't have to like the characters to like something," Buffy said. "I've watched television shows before and absolutely hated the main character. Like Felicity. Boy, was she ever whiny…"

Spike smiled a little at that. "I'll keep in mind what you said about Charlotte, but I'm not guaranteeing any changes…"

Buffy shrugged. "Your book. But I still say Ellie and Jack are meant to be."

Spike rolled his eyes, knowing that once Buffy got an idea in her head, nothing he said or did was going to make her change it.

*** *** ***

If Spike made a list of his favorite things to do, taking a bubble bath probably wouldn't be on it. But with Buffy there with him, it made a quick debut near the top.

"I like your hair when it's damp," Buffy said, stroking his chest with her foot. "Those curls are adorable."

"You're just saying that because you didn't see me when I was younger. First, I had a total Bozo the Clown look, and then I tried brushing them out, which just made them all puffy."

Buffy giggled. "I bet you were still cute."

"Hardly."

Buffy moved forward, giving Spike a quick kiss before using one finger to put a small dollop of bubbles on the end of his nose. "Cute."

Spike wiggled his nose. "Hey!" he said, wiping the bubbles away. "Watch it with that."

Buffy slid to the other end of the tub, giggling. "Aw, did I upset the big bad Spikey?"

Spike glared at her, but his heart was leaping his chest. He loved seeing Buffy like this, happy and playful. Her smile was the most wonderful sight in the world to him, and he felt like he never saw enough of it. Spike came after her, resting his arms on either side of her and pinning her in. "Careful, pet. This big bad might bite."

Buffy giggled again, but her hand went up to her hair that she had carefully piled on top of her head before they'd gotten in the tub. "I don't want to get my hair wet."

Spike leaned in, his lips against her ear. "Then we better get some place dry in a hurry, because I'm not sure how much longer I can be this close to your naked body and not ravage you."

Buffy's entire body shivered. "Dry…ravage…ravage good"

Spike got out of the tub, then helped Buffy up as well. He picked up a big fluffy towel from the edge of the sink and wrapped Buffy in it, rubbing her gently to dry her. Then he quickly dried himself off before picking Buffy up and carrying her to the bedroom. He lay her down on the bed, and Buffy pulled off the towel, letting his eyes roam her body. Spike just stared for a moment, in awe of the golden goddess who had taken residence in his bed.

"I'm feeling decidedly unravaged here," Buffy said after a moment, looking up at him impatiently.

Spike smirked. "Guess we'll have to fix that, then." He lay down beside her, carefully taking out the pins she'd put in her hair, then running his fingers through it like a comb. "You know I love this hair. So soft, thick. And the way it bounces when you…" Spike gave her a look that made Buffy's entire body feel like it was set afire. "S'not the only thing I love about you, though. I love your skin, all smooth and tan. Not a bit of it's anything but perfect. And your eyes…" Spike kissed each of Buffy's eyelids softly. "Feels like they can look right through me. Course, there are other things about you I'm rather fond of, too." Spike grinned.

Buffy reached up, tracing the line of his cheekbone with her thumb. "Spike…I need you."

"Buffy…" Spike replied, letting out a ragged breath. He kissed a hot trail down her body, reveling in the salty-sweet flavor of her skin. Buffy sighed happily, burying her fingers in Spike's hair as he settled between the apex of her legs. When he reached out with his tongue, giving her a long, leisurely taste, Buffy cried out, her grip in his hair become tighter. Spike smiled against her as he pleasured her, thinking about how it hadn't been too long ago since she'd insisted that she didn't like this. He was proud to be the first one to show her how good it could be.

Buffy cried out in release, her hips bucking wildly, her hands pulling his hair hard enough to hurt. Spike moved up immediately, pushing inside her before her orgasm had subsided. Her cries became screams as the feel of him suddenly filling her triggered another orgasm right on the heels of the last one. She grabbed his arms, holding on as he plunged in and out of her, making her see stars behind her eyes.

Spike collapsed on top of her, and Buffy reached up with an unsteady arm, stroking the muscles of his back. "So bloody perfect," he muttered, kissing the side of her face. Reluctantly, he rolled over, lying on his back beside Buffy. Her body immediately rebelled at the loss of him, and she rolled herself, setting against his chest.

"No one's ever made me feel the way you do," Buffy said softly.

"Same to you, pet," Spike replied, his hands gently threading through her hair.

"Not even Drusilla?"

Spike shook his head. "No. Not even Drusilla."

Buffy smiled to herself. She hated to admit it, but she was jealous of Spike's ex-wife, despite the fact that she'd never met the woman. The way he'd spoken of her before made it clear that she'd cast a shadow over his life, and Buffy couldn't help but wonder how she compared to another woman who'd made such an impact on her lover. She lifted her head just enough to kiss his chest, and then settled down again. "Can we just freeze this moment?" Buffy asked. "Stay here, just like this, forever?"

"Would if we could, kitten."

Buffy took Spike's hand, entwining her fingers with his. Whenever Riley held her hand, it felt like hers was being engulfed, but with Spike, their hands just seemed to fit. Buffy frowned, pushing that thought away. She wasn't supposed to be thinking about fitting with Spike, or being jealous of ex-wives. She was just supposed to enjoy what they did together, and let herself feel for once.

"Good night, my goldilocks," Spike said softly, kissing her hair.

"Good night," Buffy murmured back, smiling at the feel of him still stroking her hair. It warmed her heart to think of him, being so attracted to something as simple as her hair. She had always been convinced that she could shave it off, or dye it purple, and Riley wouldn't even notice, but Spike seemed to like her hair just as much as any other part of her body. There was something endearing about that.

Buffy smiled as she drifted off to sleep.

*** *** ***

Buffy glared at the clock, cursing Riley for being late. He was should've been home two hours ago, but he wasn't—meaning she'd spent two hours at home that she could've spent with Spike.

"Stupid late Riley," Buffy muttered under her breath, flipping through the channels. She sighed in exasperation, shutting the television off. She wasn't waiting up anymore. She was tired, and it wasn't like she really wanted to see Riley when he got home anyway.

Buffy froze as that thought made its way through her brain. Since when had she not wanted to see her husband? Since she'd started spending every moment Riley was gone with Spike, that was when. Buffy felt the guilt returning. Riley had always been a good husband. He didn't deserve her not wanting to be around him just because she'd chosen to start an illicit affair with her neighbor.

Buffy went into the bedroom and changed into her nightclothes. She looked at herself in the mirror, not sure of what she saw. She'd spent the past few years defining herself through Riley, becoming completely immersed in the identity of his wife. But when she was in Spike, her thoughts of Riley drifted away, and she became something else entirely. It scared her, the thought of losing the stable life she'd let Riley build for her, letting herself take whatever it was Spike was offering when he looked into her eyes.

Was it love? Buffy's stomach flipped at the thought, and she wasn't sure if it was good or bad. She couldn't love Spike. She'd sworn to love only Riley, for the rest of her life. And Spike couldn't possibly love her. It was just a fling to both of them. Hot now, but it would burn itself out eventually. She tried to ignore how badly the thought of no longer being with Spike hurt.

"No," Buffy said to her reflection. "Love doesn't even enter into it."

Buffy climbed into the bed, closing her eyes and dreaming that she could still feel Spike's arms around her.

*** *** ***

Riley left at four o'clock that morning to drive to L.A. Buffy had told Spike that she would be over later in the day, but after her husband left, she couldn't fall back asleep. At four thirty, she got out of bed, slipped on her robe, and crept next door.

Buffy pounded on the door loudly until Spike finally answered, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, his eyes bleary. His appearance reminded Buffy of when she'd come over not too long ago to ask him for help with her car. "Hey."

"Buffy?" Spike asked sleepily.

"Yeah. Riley's gone already."

Spike glanced over at the clock. "Isn't it kind of early?"

"I couldn't fall back asleep knowing that I could be in your arms, but I wasn't."

Spike smiled. "Come on then. Your half of the bed has been feeling rather cold."

Buffy smiled back, a thrill going through her at the thought of it not being just Spike's bed, but hers as well. Quickly, she forced that notion out of her head, feeling guilty for considering any bed but the one she shared with Riley "hers." Still, she took Spike's hand and let him lead her into the bedroom.

Spike got back into the bed with Buffy quickly joining him, his arms immediately wrapping around her to hold her close.

Now with Spike, Buffy had no problem going back to sleep.

*** *** ***

Buffy lay on Spike's couch, channel surfing, while Spike worked on his novel in his study. She knew that he had to work, but still, Buffy was bored. She wanted him touching her every minute, his body never too far away from hers.

"Anything good on the telly?"

Buffy looked up to see Spike leaning in the doorway of the living room, his arms crossed in front of him, his head tilted slightly, with a look on his face that made Buffy glad she wasn't trying to stand.

"No. And I thought you were working."

"I needed a break."

"Hungry?"

Spike chuckled. "Something like that. C'mere, kitten."

Buffy got up, walking to him slowly, seductively. She stopped a little bit in front of him, reaching out to drape her arms over his shoulders. "Do you want something?"

Spike's eyes darkened. "Yeah, I do," he said, putting one arm around her waist and pulling her until she was flush against him.

"And what would that be?" Buffy asked, struggling to keep her voice from trembling.

Spike leaned down, pressing his lips against her ear. "I want to fuck you," he said hotly, rubbing against her.

Buffy whimpered, and Spike picked her up, carrying her to the bedroom. He went with her down onto the bed, Buffy moaning as he covered her body with his. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, wanting to be as close to him as possible. She needed his body, needed him to make her feel the way only he could.

"Buffy…I love you."

Spike's words hit Buffy like a splash of cold water. She pushed him off her, scrambling to get off the bed.

"Pet?"

"What…what did you just say?"

Spike almost lied to her, told her that he'd said something else, or said that it had simply been a heat of the moment thing, and he hadn't meant it. But he couldn't. Despite the fact he knew from the look on Buffy's face that things were about to get ugly, he wasn't going to lie to her about what he felt. "I said I love you."

"No. No, you don't. You…you can't."

"I do."

Buffy turned away, not being able to take the way he was looking at her. "No…"

Spike got up, taking her chin in his hand and turning her face back to look at him. "No, look at me. I love you. You're all I bloody think about, dream about. You're in my gut, my throat. I'm drowning in you, Summers. I'm drowning in you."

Buffy pulled away from him. "No! You can't love me! You can't! I…I'm married, Spike."

"This, with you, is wrong. I know it. I'm not a complete idiot. You think I like having you in here? Do you think I like loving you when I know I can't have you? When I say 'I love you,' it's not because I want you or I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. It's you. I love you."

"You weren't supposed to love me," Buffy said, starting to cry. "This wasn't supposed to be about love. It was supposed to be about feeling."

"And I do feel something. Buffy, I…"

"No! Stop it!" Buffy starting hitting his chest, sobbing. "Don't love me! You're not supposed to!"

Spike grabbed Buffy's fists, and she struggled for a second before slumping against him. "I'm sorry," he said, stroking her hair. Buffy started to relax against him, but then she stiffened again and pulled away.

"I can't. I…I have to go."

"No, please," Spike begged. "I won't say it anymore. I'll just make you feel. I can do that, Buffy. I can do anything you want me to. Just don't leave me, pet. Not like this. Please…" Spike started to cry, but he didn't care. He couldn't take her walking out on him.

"I just…I just need to be alone right now. I'm sorry." Buffy ran out of the room.

Spike sat back on the bed as he heard his front door slam. He didn't go after her. He simply let himself feel his world fall apart again.

*** *** ***

If Willow hadn't been her best friend, Buffy wouldn't have been there. But she was, and it was Willow's birthday. Buffy had tried to be festive, but it was hard to do after what had happened with Spike the day before. Instead, she sat alone at the dining room table, listening to the sounds of happiness coming from the other room. She'd barely slept that night, her body restless without Spike's nearby. But Buffy kept reminding herself that he loved her, and she couldn't love him back.

"Buffy, are you okay?"

Buffy looked up sharply, pulled away from her thoughts. "Of course, Tara. I'm fine. Why?"

"Well, the party's in there, and you're in here. I thought something might be wrong."

Buffy gave Tara a small smile. "I guess I'm just not in much of a party mood. I'm sorry."

Tara sat down across from Buffy. "Is it that guy from the restaurant—William?"

Buffy paled. "I, um, what do you mean?"

Tara looked down. "Maybe I'm wrong, but I just thought that you two seemed like, um, a couple."

Buffy didn't want to deny it. She was tired of the lies, the secrets. "Did you say anything to Willow?"

"No. I didn't know for sure. Besides, it's not really any of my business. But Buffy, if you need anyone to talk to…"

"I don't know what's wrong with me, Tara," Buffy said suddenly. "It seems like the only time I feel anything is when… Don't tell anyone, please."

"I won't. I wouldn't do that."

Buffy talked softly, not wanting anyone else to hear her. She wanted to talk to Tara, wanted to finally let out the secret she'd been carrying with her. "I don't know how it got to this. Riley's gone so much, and I found this woman's phone number in his pocket, and I thought he was cheating. I slept with Spike then, but when I found out Riley really wasn't cheating, I didn't stop."

"Spike?"

"That's William's nickname."

"Oh."

Buffy sighed. "I thought it could be just a little something, to make me not so lonely. I wanted someone to touch me the way Riley wasn't, to make me feel something, like I used to before my mom died. But now…" Buffy let out a small, choked sob. "He told me yesterday that he loves me. I want to stop it now, but I can't. Why can't I stop? Why do I keep going to him?"

"Do you love him?"

Buffy's lip trembled, and she started crying, unable to answer Tara's question.

"It's okay if you do," Tara said. "Riley isn't around very much, and these things happen sometimes. People meet someone else." When Buffy didn't say anything, Tara added, "And it's okay if you don't. Things have been rough for you, and you're…"

"What? Using him? What's okay about that?"

"It's not that simple."

"It is! It's wrong! I'm wrong. Riley's my husband, and I've betrayed him. Spike, he, he was innocent in all this. I pulled him in, I let him fall in love with me, and now I've hurt him, too. I never wanted to hurt him, Tara. He was hurting so much already, and now I've gone and made it worse by being so selfish. Tell me I'm wrong, please…"

"It's going to be okay," Tara said. "You're strong, Buffy. You can work through all this, and it can be okay."

"Please don't forgive me…" Buffy put her head down on the table. "Don't forgive me…"

Tara got up, wrapping her arms around Buffy. Buffy slumped against her, crying as Tara stroked her hair, comforting her.

*** *** ***

Buffy took a deep breath and knocked on Spike's door. It was late in the evening, but Buffy was afraid if she didn't do this now, she wouldn't be able to. She didn't want to, knowing it was going to hurt both of them but she had to. She knew it would be better in the long run.

Spike opened the door, looking at her in surprise for a moment, before his expression setting back to one of indifference. "So she's back."

"We need to talk."

"I figured. Come in."

Buffy and Spike stood in the living room, staring at each other. After a moment, Spike broke the silence. "I know what this is. This is you telling me…"

"It's over."

"Yeah."

Buffy closed her eyes for a second, trying to build up her courage. She opened her eyes again, forcing herself to look at Spike. "I do want you. Being with you makes things simpler. For a little while…"

"I don't call five hours straight a little while."

Buffy kept going. "I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just…being weak and selfish."

Spike moved a little closer to her. He knew there wasn't anything he could do to change her mind, could see the determination set on her face, but he didn't want to accept that she was really ending it. She could use him. He didn't care, as long as he had her. "Really not complaining here."

"It's killing me." Buffy stopped, searching his face. The pain in his eyes cut through her, and she couldn't tell if it was for her, or for him, or for the both of them. She wanted to take him into her arms and hold him, to comfort him the way he had her. But she couldn't. "I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry…William."

Spike felt his heart shatter with that one word. She hadn't called him William since the early days of their friendship, and hearing it again just served to drive home the point that she was really leaving. Buffy didn't wait for his response, only turning around and leaving his house, shutting the door behind her.

*** *** ***

"Hey, Clem, it's Spike."

Clem frowned as he heard the tone in his friend's voice on the other end of the line. "Hey, buddy, what's up?"

"Buffy…she…she broke it off."

Clem paused a bit. "Spike, I know you don't want to hear I told you so, but…"

Spike sighed. "I know, I just. I love her."

Clem didn't know what to say. "I know."

"I deserve it."

"What?"

"The ache I feel now, I deserve it. She was another man's wife. I…I had no right. I deserve every bit of this pain."

"Spike, buddy, you don't…are you crying?"

"No!"

"Oh," Clem said, unconvinced. "It just sounded a bit like you were."

"Well, I'm not." Spike was silent for a second. "Look, I'm gonna go. Sorry I bothered you."

"It's no bother. Hey, you want me to come over?"

"No, I think I'm just going to go out for a bit. Try to take my mind off things."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't do anything stupid."

Spike chuckled. "I won't. Talk to you later, Clem. Bye."

"Bye." Clem shook his head as he put down the phone.

*** *** ***

Buffy walked around her house, numb. She picked up pictures, looking at the bits of her life captured on film. A high school dance with Willow and Xander. Dawn's first day of college. Her wedding day. All these things had been her life once, the little pieces that fit together to make her whole. But somewhere along the line they'd stopped being enough. Even with everything she'd had, one piece had been missing. The final bit, that made her alive, made her whole body sing. She'd found it once before, when she was young, and now again with Spike.

Buffy looked at her wedding picture, her mouth setting in a line of grim determination. If she needed that in her life, then she was just going to have to get it from Riley.

Buffy went into the kitchen, taking Riley's hotel number off the fridge. She needed to call him, to hear his voice and have him remind her why this was the life she was choosing. She dialed the number, not caring that it was already after midnight.

"Hello?" Buffy froze. The voice on the other end of the line was female. "Hello? Who is this?"

"Is Riley there?" Buffy asked, hoping that she had the wrong number.

"Riley, yeah, he's…wait." The woman stopped, and Buffy could hear her talking to someone else, though she couldn't make out what they were saying. "No, I don't know a Riley. You must have the wrong number."

"Let me talk to Riley," Buffy snapped.

"I don't know who you're talking about. Look, it's almost one o'clock in the morning. Watch your fingers when you're calling someone this late." There was a click, and then a dial tone.

Buffy set down the phone, her hands trembling. It could've been a wrong number like the woman had claimed, but the sickening feeling in her stomach told her otherwise. Still, if Riley was cheating, and had been this whole time, then she remembered how easily he'd lied to her when she'd found Sandy's number. Buffy had to see things for herself, had to have tangible proof that he couldn't lie his way out of—and that she couldn't convince herself wasn't real.

She picked up the phone again, this time calling a number from the speed dial. "Yeah?" a tired voice on the phone muttered after several rings.

"Graham, it's Buffy. Where's Riley?"

"Buffy? Riley, he's, um, on business in L.A."

"Where's he's staying?"

"Buffy, it's one am. Go back to bed."

"Don't you dare tell me what to do, Graham," Buffy snapped. "Tell me where my husband is right now or I swear I will hurt you." Buffy wrote down the information as Graham quickly spit out Riley's location. "Thanks. And one more thing. Don't you fucking dare tell him I'm on my way. You got that?"

Buffy heard Graham swallow hard on the other line. She'd never liked the man, despite the fact that he was her husband's best friend, and if Riley had been cheating on her, then she was sure Graham had known the whole time. "Yeah, I got it."

Buffy hung up the phone, grabbed her purse, and left the house.

*** *** ***

Buffy walked into the hotel that Graham had told her Riley was staying in. It was late, and she was pretty sure she'd been awake for over twenty-four hours, but she didn't care. By this point, she was running on pure adrenaline.

The lobby was empty save for the one man sitting at the front desk. She approached him, resting her arms on the counter. "My name is Buffy Finn. I'm…"

"Staying in 412," the man finished for her. "Did you loose your key?"

"Um, yeah," Buffy said. "Kind of embarrassing. I was out clubbing, and you know how things can happen."

The man gave her a smile. "Yeah, I do. But be careful, especially with your husband not with you. L.A. can be a dangerous place."

Buffy just nodded. "So, can I have an extra key?"

"Sure, just let me see some ID. I've seen your husband, but I haven't seen you yet. It's for your own safety."

"I understand," Buffy replied, taking out her license.

The man checked the name on her ID, then punched something on his keyboard. "Yep. Mr. and Mrs. Riley Finn, checked into room 412 as of Thursday." He smiled at her, handing her a keycard from the wall behind him as well as her license. "Here you go, ma'am. Now I will have to charge you a lost key fee…"

"That's fine," Buffy replied. "Thank you for your help."

"No problem. Have a good night, er, morning."

Buffy smiled. "You, too." Buffy's smile immediately faded as she turned and walked away, heading for the elevator. She walked down the hall to room 412, opening the door as softly as she could. The lights were off, but she could hear Riley's voice.

"Harder."

Buffy's anger was the only thing that kept her from falling apart. The guilt, the pain she'd put both her and Spike through on Riley's behalf had been for nothing. While she'd been fighting what she felt inside, pushing away a man who loved her more than Riley had ever even dreamed of, her "loyal" husband had been sleeping with god knows what behind her back. She reached out and flipped on the light.

The couple of the bed stopped suddenly. Riley sat up, pushing the girl off him and covering them both quickly with a sheet. "Buffy!"

"Hi, honey, miss me?" Buffy asked with a saccharine smile. "Who's this? Sandy?"

"Aphrodisia," the girl replied, glaring daggers at Buffy.

"Aphrodisia. So there's more than one. Wonderful."

"Riley, who is this?" Aphrodisia asked. "I didn't agree to a threesome."

Riley had the decency to look embarrassed. "No, um, Buffy's my wife."

"Oh. Well, in that case can I just take my money and go?"

Buffy's eyes bulged. "Money? Riley, is she a hooker?"

"You know, I prefer the term…"

Buffy whipped her head around to face Aphrodisia. "I don't give a damn what you prefer. I'd prefer you weren't fucking my husband. Now get out."

"I'm not leaving without my money."

Riley grabbed his wallet from the nightstand, quickly handing Aphrodisia several bills. "There. Now get dressed and go. I need to talk to my wife."

"Whatever," Aphrodisia replied, taking the money. She got dressed and walked out of the room, giving Buffy a snide grin as she shut the door.

Riley got out of the bed, the sheet wrapped around his waist. He touched her arm. "Buffy…"

"Get your hand off me."

Riley's arm dropped to his side. "I can explain. Just let me talk."

"Nothing you say right now is going to make this better."

"I realize that. I don't expect… I just need you to hear me out."

Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine."

"I didn't mean for it to get like this. It's just, something was missing between us, Buffy. You know it was. There's never been a real burning passion in our love life. I'm not saying it was bad, it's just, well, it wasn't everything it could be. You always held back with me. You never gave me everything you have."

"So this is my fault?" Buffy asked bitterly.

"It isn't your fault. It's mine. I feel like hell for what I've put you through. But these girls…"

"Whores, Riley."

Riley sighed. "They made me feel something, Buffy."

Buffy started a little at that. She didn't like it, but she could understand. After all, she'd gone to Spike for the same thing. But the way Riley had done it… "I can't. I can't hear this."

"You need to hear this."

"Fine. Fine! Tell me about your whores. Tell me what on earth they were giving you that I can't."

"Passion, Buffy. They'd lose themselves in the moment, doing things I'd never dreamed of."

"For money, Riley. All they wanted was your money."

"For our whole marriage, Buffy, I kept waiting for you to really give yourself to me. I know you had loved a man like that before. I remember how you'd talk about him, about Liam Angelus…"

Buffy took a step back. "Don't you dare bring Angel into this."

"Why not? He shadowed every second of our marriage!"

"He did not! Dammit, Riley, I'll admit I loved Angel once, but that was a long time ago."

"No. I could see the look in your eyes every time you talked about him. And the way you looked at him when he came back into town… You never looked at me that way. Not once."

"I've given you everything that I have. I've given you my heart, my body and soul!"

"You say that, but I don't feel it. I just don't feel it."

"Well, whose fault is that? Because I'm telling you this is it, this is me. This is the package. And if it's so deficient that you need to get your kicks elsewhere, then we really have a problem."

"Buffy…our marriage means a lot to me. It does. I love you."

Buffy looked into his eyes. He said he loved her, but there was nothing reflected there. Not the way there had been when Spike had said the same words. "I don't love you. Not anymore."

"Buffy, please. We can work this out, make things better. We can…go to therapy."

"No. I don't want to work it out." Buffy looked away, finally admitting what she'd known a long time. "This marriage has been dead for a while now, Riley. It's time we just bury it."

"Buffy…"

"No." Buffy took his hand, dropping something into the palm and giving it a squeeze. She walked away, and Riley looked down to see what it was.

Her rings.

*** *** ***

Buffy wanted nothing more in the world than to drive back home to Spike and tell him how wrong she was. She knew now with blinding clarity that she loved him. With him, she could have everything she'd wanted—a home, love, passion.

Riley had been right about one thing, there was something missing from their marriage. She knew it wasn't his fault, and it wasn't hers, it was just something that wasn't there. But with Spike, it was there. And it was the most wonderful thing Buffy had ever known.

But her body wouldn't let her go anymore. Physically and mentally, she was exhausted, and she knew she'd never make it back to Sunnydale in this state. She found another hotel to stay the night in, one that wasn't tainted with Riley.

Buffy smiled to herself as she lay in the bed. Tomorrow she'd go back to Spike, and they could start over, build a real life together.

*** *** ***

"Spike! Spike!"

Spike woke slowly, Buffy's voice pulling him from an uneasy sleep. He frowned, deciding he must've been dreaming that she was calling for him.

"Spike, are you home?"

Spike sat straight up. Buffy was there, in his house. He jumped out of bed, struggling to put on his jeans as he ran out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Buffy was standing in the hallway. She smiled when she saw him, then ran to him, throwing her arms around him.

"Spike, I'm so sorry," Buffy said, hugging him tightly. "I was wrong. I love you, Spike. I love you so much."

Spike pulled her back, holding on to her arms as he stared at her, his expression one of shock and disbelief. "You…you love me?"

"Yes. I know I didn't treat you right before, and I'm sorry. But I do love you. I want to be with you."

"And Riley?"

"It's over," Buffy said. "I…I caught him in a hotel with a hooker last night. I don't know why I ever tried to hold on to that. You're the one I want—the one I need."

Spike cupped Buffy's face in his hand. "Pet, I…"

"Blondie Bear?"

Spike froze, then cursed under his breath. How could he have forgotten about that…

Buffy looked up sharply, her mouth falling open as Spike's bedroom door opened, and Harmony walked into the hallway, wrapped in Spike's sheet. Buffy looked at Spike in disbelief for a moment before her expression changed to anger. "Harmony? You slept with Harmony!"

"I…I can explain."

Buffy held up her hand. "No. I can't believe you…with that skank!"

"Excuse me!" Harmony yelled. "You're not going to let her talk about me like that, are you, Spikey?"

"Harm…" Spike said, his voice a warning."

"Spike… Make her go away," Harmony said.

Spike closed his eyes for a second, willing himself to stay calm. "Harmony, I need you to leave."

"What! Don't tell me you're picking that over me. Do you have any idea how much of a freak she was in high school?"

"I don't bloody care!" Spike yelled, turning around to face Harmony. He tried to remember why bringing her home had seemed like a good idea the night before, but couldn't. "Just go."

"What, but…" Harmony stopped, glaring. "I gave you the best…bunch of months of my life!" She stormed over to Spike, holding the sheet to her with one hand as she used the other to slap him. "I thought I could change you, Spike. I thought maybe if I gave, and I gave, and gave, maybe you'd come around. Maybe be a little nicer. Stop treating me like your dog. But now I see it's you. You're the dog." She slapped him again, then went back to the bedroom.

Spike and Buffy stood in the hallway, an awkward silence hanging between them until Harmony came back out of the bedroom, dressed. She stood in front of Spike, smirking. "And you can say good-bye to this," Harmony said, pointing to her behind, "because you're not going to see it anymore. Ever." She started to walk away, but then stopped. "Unless you run into me somewhere, and it's me, walking away from you. But even then, I'll probably just, you know…back away." True to her word, Harmony backed down the hallway until Spike couldn't see her anymore.

The backdoor slammed. Buffy looked up at Spike. "How could you? Harmony?"

"How could I? In case you've forgotten, you're the one who ended things."

"And you immediately jumped into bed with her! I thought you loved me…"

"I did…I do! I do love you, Buffy! This thing with Harmony, it was a mistake. I was upset, I went out, and I ran into her. It wasn't planned, it wasn't to hurt you, it just happened. I love you…"

"Then how could you with her! I hadn't been gone any time at all!"

"What, you don't like the fact that I wasn't sittin' in some dark corner, crying like a bloody baby? That's right self-centered of you, pet."

"Oh no. Don't try to make this about me. You're the one who was in bed with…that."

"I'm not Riley."

"What?"

"That's what this is about, innit? You catch Riley in bed with some two-bit tart, and you come here and take it out on me."

"That is not what this is about. God, I can't believe you!"

Spike felt all the frustration he'd been holding inside for his whole relationship with Buffy rising to the surface. "Fine. I shagged Harmony, and I probably shouldn't have. I made a mistake. I do that from time to time. But you left, Buffy. You said it was over. You're the one who wanted to end it, not me. You walked out that door, giving up any right you had to get pissy about what I choose to do with my life."

"Get pissy? You think that's all this is? You were supposed to love me!"

"And that was real convenient, wasn't it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Am I supposed to believe that you would be here right now if Riley hadn't proven himself to be less than a boy scout?" Spike chuckled bitterly. "Hardly. You say you love me, but you don't. You just want me to make you feel better after what Riley did you—make you feel. I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to let you use me, just so you can dump me again when you've got your fill."

"I'm not…" Buffy's mouth snapped shut. "Fine. Have a nice life, William."

"You, too, Buffy."

Buffy walked out, ignoring the sounds of things breaking that resounded through the house.

*** *** ***

"I guess I should just go and start packing my things."

Buffy didn't look up as Riley walked into the house. "That would probably be for the best."

"Buffy, I'm sorry."

Buffy sighed. "I'm sorry, too."

"For what?"

"Sit down, Riley. We should talk."

Riley sat in a chair facing Buffy, but a bit of a distance away from her. "About what? I cheated on you, and you're kicking me to the curb. What else is there to discuss?"

"Riley, you and I both know it isn't that simple."

"Is this about legal stuff? I'll pay alimony, no fight," Riley said.

"What? No! I don't want your money, Riley. This isn't about that. I wanted…I want us to be honest with each other, at least in this." Buffy took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "I wasn't completely faithful to you either." Riley started to speak, but Buffy quickly added, "It was only one man. And…and it was fairly recently."

"Oh." Riley looked away. "Do you love him?"

"Yes. I do."

Riley glanced up just long enough for Buffy to see the pain in his eyes before he looked away again. "Are you going to be with him now?"

"No," Buffy replied, pushing back the tears that sprung to her eyes.

Riley pushed his hair back from his face. "I guess we really made a mess of this marriage, didn't we?"

"Yeah, I guess we did."

"Do you hate me, Buffy?"

Buffy thought about that question for a moment. Did she hate Riley? "No. It hurts that you felt like you could get something from those women that you couldn't get from me, but I don't hate you. We've been having problems for a long time. Some of them were your fault, some of them were mine. You were right when you said I always held back with you. I didn't mean to, but I did anyway."

"I am sorry," Riley said again. "For everything. I know I put you through a lot over the past few years."

"We married too young," Buffy replied. "We weren't ready for this, hadn't lived enough to decide what we wanted out of life. And you were also right, when you said Angel shadowed this marriage, just not in the way you thought. I wasn't distant with you because I wanted him. After that relationship, I was scared, worried what would happen if I let myself lose control with you the way I did with him. I thought that if I didn't, maybe I wouldn't get hurt. Looks like that plan backfired, huh?"

"I guess there's no way we can start fresh from here, is there?" Riley asked. "Give it a better shot this time…"

"No. I'm sorry, I just don't…love you enough for that. It'll be better for both of us if we just throw in the towel now."

"I know. I just figured it was worth a shot to ask. Um, there is one thing I wanted to discuss with you, though."

"What's that?"

"Dawn. I know you said you didn't want money from me, but I want to keep paying her tuition. Dawn means a lot to me, and I can't stand the thought of her suffering because of my mistakes."

"Our mistakes. But yeah, you can do that. Dawn…will appreciate it."

Riley nodded. "I am sorry, Buffy."

"I know. Me, too."

Riley stood, giving Buffy a soft, chaste kiss before going to the bedroom to pack.

*** *** ***

"Uh…knock knock?" Clem walked into Spike's house, surveying the damage around him. "Wow. It looks like something really bad happened in here. Spike, are you okay?"

Spike looked up from where he was sitting on the floor. "Hey, Clem. Remember when you told me not to do something stupid?"

"Yes. What did you do?"

"Harmony."

Clem frowned. "Yeah, she is pretty stupid. So what's with the destruct-o-rama?"

"Buffy came over this morning. Harmony was still here."

"Ouch. Buffy didn't break everything did she? Or Harmony…"

"No, that was me. Buffy left, and I was…well, I didn't trash my house out of glee."

"I thought Buffy had already broken it off with you."

"She did. But then she caught Riley shagging some chit, and she came back. She wasn't too happy to find I'd slept with Harmony last night…"

"I'm sorry, Spike. I…"

"You know what really hurts? She seriously didn't love me. I was just a thing to her. Something to play with. She got so mad about Harmony, so mad that I hadn't just pined away for her when she left me. And I know she wouldn't have come back if she hadn't found out the truth about Riley."

"I know it hurts, but maybe it's for the best. I mean, look at what she's reduced you to."

"When she said she loved me, she didn't mean it."

"Wait, she said she loves you? When?"

"Right before Harm walked out of the bedroom in a sheet."

"Did it occur to you that maybe Buffy does love you? Maybe finding out her husband was cheating gave her the jolt she needed to realize what she really had with you all along."

Spike looked up at Clem, his eyes wide, vulnerable. "Do you really think…" Spike closed his eyes, shaking his head. "No. She was using me. She said it enough before. I can't keep… I can't…" Spike looked around at the mess surrounding him and began to cry, his whole body shaking.

Clem stood there, staring at Spike in shock. In all the years he'd known him, he'd never seen him this broken. "Love's a funny thing."

"Is that what this is?" Spike stood, wiping at his face. "I'll tell you what I need to do. Move. Get out of this house and away from her. Don't even know why I stayed here after Dru left. As if I liked living in Sunnyhell."

Clem frowned. "You're not going too far are you?"

Spike ruffled Clem's hair. "Don't worry. I won't desert you. Got some mates in L.A. Maybe I'll look them up." Spike sighed. "I just need to get out of here. Not one bloody good thing has happened to me since I came to Sunnydale. It's like I've just been rotting away here. I need to get out, be back among the living, y'know?"

"You do what you have to, Spike."

"I wonder if it'll even be worth it," Spike said, leaning against a wall. "I'll probably just find some other bloody woman to ruin my life all over again. All I've ever been is love's bitch."

"Hey, come on now, Mr. Negative. You never know what's just around the corner. Things change."

"Yeah, they do." Spike gave Clem a small smile. "Would it be too much for me to ask for a little help here? Something tells me a realtor won't exactly jump at the chance to sell a place that looks like this."

Clem smiled back, just happy to see Spike wasn't going to be as bad as he'd feared when he first got there. "Sure thing, buddy. I'll be happy to give you a hand."

*** *** ***

Dawn stood in front of Buffy's fireplace, looking at the pictures on the mantle. "You took down his pictures."

Buffy looked up from her seat on the couch. "Yeah."

"I think I would've done that sooner. Like, boom! 'Don't want to see that face again.'"

"It wasn't like that. I was never angry with him." Buffy smirked. "Okay, that's a lie. But it's not like I don't want to see his face."

"It's just kind of a shock for me, I guess," Dawn said, coming over to join Buffy on the couch. "I mean, when I left, you guys were fine, and then when I came back, it was just over."

"Things weren't really fine," Buffy said. "We were pretending they were, but they weren't. The end didn't come suddenly. I didn't realize it then as much, but looking back, it was kinda gradual."

"Oh. Does that make it any better?"

"No."

"Because you should've noticed earlier?"

"Stop being insightful. It's creepy." Buffy looked down at her hands. "It hurts in all kinds of horrible ways. In the way where I'm furious at him…in the way where I blame myself…and in all the little ways I imagine how I could've fixed things."

"Buffy?" Dawn said after a moment. "Was there someone else…for either of you?"

"For both of us. Well, lots of someones for him."

Dawn raised an eyebrow. "Oh. Who, um, was it for you?"

"Do you remember the guy who drove us to the airport when my car broke down?"

"Spike? Hell yeah. He was totally…" Dawn stopped. "You were getting your freak on with him? Color me impressed, Buff."

Buffy cut her sister a look, but there was a small smile on her face. "Yeah, Spike and I were together for a bit, but that didn't work out either."

"Was it serious?"

"No, it… Yes, it was. I was happier with him than, well, I've ever been before with any man."

"Then what happened?" Dawn asked. "I noticed a for sale sign next door…"

Buffy tried to shrug it off, but Dawn saw the pain in her sister's eyes. "It just didn't work out."

"Buffy, it's me—Dawn. You don't have to pretend with me."

"I…I messed everything up with him," Buffy said. "He loved me. Really loved me. I could see it every time he looked at me, even if I didn't want to. And he wouldn't have betrayed me either, not like Riley, or Angel, or…or even Dad. But I kept pushing him away, until he wasn't there to push anymore. He…he didn't even say anything. I just woke up one morning and saw the sign on the lawn. " Buffy's voiced cracked, and she couldn't hold back her tears anymore. "He's why I'm really hurting, Dawnie. He loved me, and I…I loved him, too. I don't know what it was, but he found his way into my heart. I feel almost guilty, now, because I feel like I should be missing Riley, but I don't. It hurts that my marriage is over, but when I reach out in the middle of the night, it's not for Riley. It's for Spike."

Dawn frowned, hating to see her sister so miserable. "It'll get better—won't it?"

"I hope so. Yes. It has to. I'll just keep going like I have been, and every day it'll get a little bit better."

"Really? Every day?"

"Not really. But it'll be better soon."

"Can you find him?" Dawn asked. "Maybe tell him you're sorry, and that you love him. And he loves you, too, so shouldn't it just be okay?"

"I wish it were that simple. But I have no idea where he is. We didn't have any mutual friends, so it's not like there's anyone I can ask. I've lost him. I have to just accept that. Move on. Besides, even if I could find him, how could I even be sure that he'd forgive me?"

"I guess you're right. But you still wish you could find him again, don't you?"

"More than anything."

"Then maybe you will—someday."

"Yeah," Buffy replied, her heart heavy. "Someday."

*** *** ***

Spike had never cared for book signings, but he didn't let it show. These people, as annoying as they could sometimes be, bought his book, and therefore allowed for him to have a comfortable life. And that's exactly what his life was. Comfortable. It wasn't exactly happy, but he didn't feel like he could really complain.

Spike smiled, patiently signing the book of every person who was there, even when he felt like his hand would fall off if he wrote his name one more time. Finally, the line was gone, and he could leave. He gathered his things, spoke to his agent briefly, and then walked towards the exit.

"I told you Charlotte was the killer. And Ellie and Jack are going to be quite happy together."

Spike froze. That voice… His ears had to be playing tricks on him. He turned slowly, then blinked at what he saw, afraid he'd fallen asleep during the signing, and he was dreaming. "Buffy?" he asked softly.

"Hi."

"What…what are you doing here?"

"Do you believe in fate?" Buffy asked, echoing the same question he'd asked her months before.

"Fate?"

"Yes—fate, destiny, whatever you want to call it.. See, a funny thing happened yesterday at breakfast. My divorce had just been finalized, and I was sitting there with my coffee and my bagel, and I was wondering, what am I going to do now that I'm no longer a married woman? So I open the paper, and there's an advertisement for this book signing right here, in this very bookstore, today. And I figured I have my answer."

"Your answer?"

"You. You're the answer to everything in my life. You're who I want to fall asleep next to every night and wake up next to every morning. You're who I want to laugh with, cry with, grow old with. I love you, William. I love you more than I ever thought possible, and I can't be without you any longer. I want you, I need you—I love you."

Spike stared at her for a moment, trying to process what he'd just heard. "So you just come here and think you can win me back with sweet talk? I'm not just going to let you whack me back and forth like a rubber ball. I've got my pride, you know."

Buffy tried not to let her pain at his words show through. "I understand," she said, turning to walk away.

Spike quickly jumped in front of her, stopping her from walking off. "Clearly, you don't, because the whole 'having my pride' thing was just a smokescreen."

Buffy sighed in relief. "Oh, thank god."

Spike moved closer, almost touching her, but not. "I don't know what I would've done if you'd walked away."

"I don't know what I would've done if you'd let me."

"So this is for real, then?" Spike asked. "This isn't you using me again—this is really you wanting me."

"Yes. This is real. We're real. I need you in my life."

"I need you in my life, too. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Spike smiled down at her, and Buffy felt as if she could fly. "So, how are we going to work this out?" Spike asked. "I mean, I assume you're still in good old Sunny D, and I'm in L.A. these days, so…"

"Spike?"

"Hmm?"

"A mere difference in towns is not about to keep me away from you. Can't we sort through logistics later? Right now you have more important things to worry about."

"I do? Like what?"

"Like how badly I'm going to hurt you if you don't kiss me."

"Still the bossy little bint, I see."

Buffy put her hands on her hips. "You know, I asked a British friend of mine what that meant, and it is not a very nice thing to call me."

Spike smirked. "Better make you forget I said it then."

Spike pulled Buffy into his arms and kissed her.

*** *** ***

That's all she wrote, folks! Let me know what you thought of my first completed Buffy fic!