Chapter 18:

Spike wiped the blood from his latest kill off his mouth, frowning in dissatisfaction. He had felt Buffy through the claim as he'd fed, and while she had seemed to be dealing with things outwardly when he'd left her, it was clear that she had yet to accept it internally. Spike supposed that was to be expected. It had, after all, been less than a week, and the progress they had made was a good start. She would…

His thoughts stopped, his body reeling. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. He reached out towards his mate, trying to discover what, and he stumbled backwards at what he felt.

"No…please, please, no…" He braced himself against the motel's front desk, knocking over the registration book as he did. She couldn't actually have…

She had.

Spike broke into a run, going back to their room as fast as his vampiric speed would allow. He burst in, going straight to the bathroom where he gasped at what he saw. Buffy was slumped against the wall, blood flowing freely from her slashed wrist, a jagged piece of glass laying in the outstretched palm of her other hand.

In an instant, Spike was beside her, pulling her into his arms. He could hear her heartbeat, albeit slow, and he felt a slight bit of relief, though he knew the situation was still dire. "Buffy!" he yelled, shaking her. "Buffy, please, open your eyes, luv. Come on, baby…"

Her eyes fluttered open slightly. "Sp…Spike?"

"Yeah, Stay with me, kitten."

"I'm cold, Spike," she said softly before her eyes closed again, her heartbeat growing even more faint.

"Buffy! No, don't go, please…" Spike begged, tears forming in his eyes. She'd done this because of him… Oh god, what had he done?

Desperate to save her, Spike brought her wrist to his mouth, lapping at the gashes until his saliva closed them, stopping the blood flow. He held on to her with one arm as he reached up and grabbed a hand towel from the rack, wrapping it tightly around her wrist to make sure the wound stayed shut.

Her breathing was shallow, her heartbeat still slow and Spike didn't know what to do. He was used to taking lives, not saving them. The thought crossed his mind to turn her then, to take the rest of her blood and give her his, but he wouldn't do that. He didn't want to lose her, but he wanted her like she was, warm and vibrant.

She'd said before that she had been healing quickly since he'd claimed her, and Spike let that give him a little hope. Maybe she could heal from this, too… He'd just…he'd have to wait. He'd have to watch over her, hold on to her until she came back to him.

Spike stood with Buffy in his arms, his body shaking. She'd said she was cold… He brought her into the bed, tucking her in under the covers. He stepped back, looking at her lying there, so pale she looked more like one of his kind than human.

He didn't have any warmth to give her, but he needed to hold her, needed the tangible proof that she wasn't gone. He took off his boots and his duster, then climbed in beside her, holding her tightly in his arms. His hand came up to gently stroke her hair, and he pressed his lips against her forehead as he begged her to wake up.

He'd do anything, if she'd just wake up…

*** *** ***

Buffy groaned as she felt herself pulled towards consciousness, every inch of her body aching. She opened her eyes slowly, blinking them when she couldn't see anything until she realized that was because the room was dark.

"Buffy? Oh thank god, you're awake."

Seconds after Spike spoke, his arms tightened around her, his embrace almost crushing. "You had me so scared. I thought…"

Buffy's head ached as she tried to remember what had happened. She heard Spike made a small noise that sounded suspiciously like he had been crying. Why was Spike…

And then she remembered. Spike must've found her before it was too late, stopped her from dying. He'd kept her from escaping again…

With a sob, she pushed him away. "Get away from me!" she cried out, though her voice was weak. "Let me go! Why can't you just let me go?!"

"Buffy! I…Buffy, please," Spike said, his voice cracking. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry…"

"Don't say that," Buffy snapped. "You can't be sorry. You don't care."

"I do. Pet, you have to believe me, I do. If I'd known you would…" Spike's voice trailed off, the image of finding her bleeding to death in the bathroom coming back to his mind. It had been the most terrifying moment of his existence as he realized exactly what this woman had come to mean to him and what his careless behavior had done to her. For the first time in his unlife, he'd hated himself.

"No, you…" Buffy stopped, bursting into tears. It was all too much and she couldn't argue anymore.

Spike pulled her back into his embrace, stroking her back. "It'll be okay, Buffy. Don't worry now, luv, it'll be okay. I…I won't hurt you anymore."

Buffy cried against his chest until her weariness became too much and she succumbed to sleep again.

Spike kept her close, relief flooding him now that he knew she was going to pull through. Still, he was smart enough to know that they weren't going to bounce back from this easily. He'd made a gross miscalculation thinking he could force Buffy into accepting his feeding habits, and now he was paying for that dearly.

He ran his hand down the side of her golden hair, promising her silently that he'd find a way to make it up to her.

*** *** ***

Buffy woke to a harsh knock on the door. She groaned, not wanting to wake, but Spike calmed her with a quick kiss on her cheek before he got up, going to see who it was. She watched him as he opened the door slowly, careful to stay out of any direct sunlight.

She tried to peer around him but couldn't, so she listened, hoping she could figure out who it was. She knew quickly when Spike asked, "Is there a problem, officer?"

"Ah, yes, sir, seems there's been a death on premises," the cop answered. "The motel clerk was found dead this morning."

Spike's gasp at the news would've been enough to convince Buffy he was shocked if she hadn't known better. As it was, it made her stomach turn. "Was he murdered?" Spike asked.

"We're, uh, not entirely sure. From the looks of things, it could've been a wild animal. The man's neck was torn—looked like it was from fangs. But we need to investigate something like this anyway, so we're asking all the people staying here if they saw anything suspicious last night."

"I'm sorry, I can't be of any help," Spike replied. "My wife and I were traveling through when she came down with some sort of bug, and I've stayed in here with her since the night before last." Spike lowered his voice. "She's still a bit under the weather, which is why I haven't invited you in. Poor girl needs her rest."

Buffy narrowed her eyes at Spike's back as he used her as an excuse. Granted, she wasn't exactly feeling well, but not for the reasons he was claiming. But she also knew it was better if the police officer did believe Spike's story. If he got wind of the fact that Spike was indeed the killer, then the officer would just be next on the menu.

"Oh, well then I won't take up any more of your time," the officer said. "I'm sure there's nothing to worry about—like I said, it was probably a wild animal come in from the woods, so just keep your door shut tight and watch yourself at night, and I'm sure you and your wife will be fine. This is just routine."

"I understand. We'll be careful."

"Glad to hear it. Have a good day, sir. Hope your wife feels better soon."

"Thank you. You have a good day, too."

Spike shut the door and Buffy closed her eyes quickly, hoping she could convince him she was asleep. She really didn't want to have to talk to him right now.

"I know you're awake."

Damn… There went that plan. Buffy opened her eyes again with a sigh. "Spike, can we just…not."

"No, we can't," Spike replied, coming over and sitting on the edge of the bed beside her. "What happened last night was…"

"Your fault," Buffy snapped. "It's what you drove me to."

Spike hung his head. "I know."

"You should've let me die."

He turned his face towards her. "I couldn't do that, Buffy. I couldn't lose you."

"Why, because I'm your 'mate?' Because I'm your personal little sex slave that you can use however you want? Couldn't lose that, could you?"

"No! That's not it at all!"

Buffy sat up, ignoring the extra pain it brought. "Then why, huh? It would've been better that way, Spike! I'd be free of you and you could go back to doing whatever you want! You could back to your precious dark princess."

"No I couldn't!" Spike jumped to his feet, pacing the room. "Don't you get it yet, Buffy? This claim, it's forever. You dying, that isn't going to fix anything! I lose you, and there's nothing left of me. I…I'd just waste away."

"So you were saving yourself then," Buffy sneered at him. "Makes sense now."

Spike stopped pacing, turning to face her. "No! It's because I love you, you stupid bint!"

They both froze at his outburst, staring at each other. Spike knew the words were true as soon as they left his mouth. He'd known it the night before, too, though he'd been in too much of a panic to really formulate the thought. He loved this woman. And not just because she was his mate…

"No," Buffy said, holding up her hand. "Don't you dare say that."

"But it's true," Spike admitted, his tone softening. "I lo…"

"No!" Buffy snapped. "You don't even know what love is."

"I bloody well do!" Spike said, yelling again.

"I…I can't take this," Buffy said, getting up from the bed, Without thinking, she went to the bathroom, stopping in the doorway as she saw the shattered glass and all the blood. Her stomach turned and before she could think she was retching on the floor.

Spike was behind her in an instant, holding her hair back until her stomach calmed. She leaned against him, shaking as she wiped her mouth. "I…" She stopped, crying once again.

"Shh…it's okay," Spike said, picking her up and carrying her back to the bed. He put her under the covers again. "Just rest here, kitten, and I'll clean all that up, yeah?"

Buffy nodded weakly, her will to fight gone. All that blood had come from her… The reality of what she'd tried to do the night before slammed into her hard, and she fought the urge to throw up again.

She listened to Spike in the bathroom as he cleaned up the blood and vomit. Her mind went to his declaration of love, and she surprised herself with a chuckle. He'd told her he loved her and called her a stupid bint in the space of a second. In a strange way, it summed him up rather nicely, seeing as one second he was treating her with cruelty and the next he was treating her like a treasure.

Still, the concept of him loving her was absolutely ridiculous. Vampires couldn't love. They were evil, soulless creatures that lived only to hurt others. Anything to the contrary was in direct contrast to everything she believed and she couldn't even begin to deal with something like that. So she wasn't going to. Vampires didn't love and he was lying. There, that was simple enough.

Only it wasn't. Buffy frowned. It was too much to process with her head being so fuzzy so she decided she'd just go back to sleep instead. That was much easier.

She stayed right on the cusp of sleep until Spike finished cleaning up in the bathroom and came back to the bed, slipping in behind her and pulling her into his arms. It was then that she drifted off.

*** *** ***

Spike woke her by shaking her gently. "Buffy? Luv?"

Buffy opened her eyes and stretched. "Hmm?"

"It's almost dark," Spike told her.

Buffy woke fully at that, her insides clenching. If it was almost dark, that meant he was going to feed again. Why was he telling her this? As if he wasn't already putting her through enough… "Go then," she snapped.

Spike frowned. "I'm not going without you."

Buffy swallowed hard. He was going to make her go with him when he fed? She couldn't take having to feel it, and now she was going to be forced to watch it, too? And he had the nerve to say he loved her! "I won't try to…do what I did last night," she told him, thinking that must be why he wanted her to come along. "You can leave me here."

"I'm glad to hear that, pet, but I'm still not leaving you. I can't—you know that. But if you're not feeling up to traveling, we can spend another day here. That's what I was trying to ask," Spike told her. "Are you ready to leave tonight, or do you need more rest?"

Oh. That's what he meant by taking her with him, Buffy realized in relief. "No, I'm good," she said, sitting up. "To be honest, I really just want to leave this particular room far, far behind me."

Spike gave her a little smile. "Yeah, me, too."

"So I'll get dressed and we'll go?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah." Spike kissed her forehead before standing. "Right then. Let's get out of this place."

*** *** ***
 

Chapter 19:

Buffy didn't argue when Spike stopped to get her dinner, instead accepting it and eating silently in the passenger's seat of his car. She was too worn down to rebel against him anymore. She'd tried every way there was to get out of this, and none of those ways had been successful. She couldn't push him away, she couldn't run, and apparently he wasn't going to let her die.

Maybe she'd go crazy soon and be too far gone to know what was going on. She could hold out hope for that.

She was still eating her burger when Spike stopped at a gas station, filling up the DeSoto's tank. Buffy frowned when came back to the car with a Styrofoam cooler and a bag of ice and put them in the backseat. What the hell was he planning now?

"Gotta make a stop before we get on the road tonight, pet," he said when he got back behind the wheel. "It won't take long."

Buffy almost asked what he needed to stop for, but then realized he was probably going to feed. He hadn't yet that day, and she could feel through the claim that he was hungry. She put what was left of her food into the bag and set it on the floorboard, staring forward as they pulled out of the gas station.

It wasn't long before he stopped again. Spike looked over at Buffy though she continued to stare ahead of her. "Wait here," he said.

Buffy didn't reply and Spike didn't say anything else, just got out of the car and shut the door behind him. Buffy sat alone in the dark, nervousness rising in her. She hated waiting for this, knowing the feel of him feeding was coming, but not knowing exactly when. he didn't even know where he'd taken her, the black paint over the windows isolating her from the world around her.

She needed to know. She knew she couldn't do anything to change what was happening, but she needed to at least know where he'd taken her this time. Tentatively, she opened the car door, peeking out. Her brow furrowed as she saw where they were. The hospital?

Why on earth had Spike come to the hospital? Did he think maybe she wouldn't be as upset by his feeding if he just picked off the people that were dying anyway?

She shut the door again, gripping the edge of the seat as she waited. He'd been gone for a while now, and it would probably be soon. She scrunched her eyes tight, waiting…

And waiting…

Nothing. Not a single twinge of what she felt whenever Spike fed. She frowned, wondering what he could be up to. It wasn't like he'd come to the hospital because he was in need of medical attention, and she doubted he'd bring her to one either, suicide attempt or not.

She jumped when she heard the door to the backseat open, then turned to see Spike opening the cooler and filling with things he was pulling from under his duster. She squinted to try to see what, but it was too dark for her to make it out. What could he need to keep on ice, body parts? Her nose scrunched at that.

Spike kept one of the objects in his hand as he came back to the front seat. He raised it to his mouth, his vampiric face sliding forward as he tore it open with his fangs, and Buffy realized what it was—blood. Bagged blood, to be specific. Relief flooded her as it became clear that he had no intentions of feeding tonight—or for the next few nights if the amount of blood he'd put in the cooler was any indication.

Still, she couldn't keep from saying something as she watched him suck out what was in the packet. "People need those for transfusions, you know."

Spike turned towards her, his yellow eyes flickering. "Oh you shut up."

Buffy giggled softly, and Spike realized she'd been teasing him. He mumbled something under his breath as he returned to his dinner, and Buffy reached out, resting her hand against his thigh. "Thank you."

"I've never been more afraid than I was last night when I came in and found you," Spike admitted softly.

His words surprised Buffy, and she pulled her hand away. His response to her suicide attempted wasn't at all the sort she would've expected. She would've thought he'd be angry, try to punish her then make sure she didn't have the chance to do it again. Or take away her free will completely like he kept threatening yet had still not done.

She was beginning to wonder if he even really could…

Instead, he'd panicked at the thought of losing her and was now switching to bagged blood for her. It wasn't how a vampire was supposed to behave at all. It was too…caring.

She filed that firmly away in the slot in her mind marked D for Denial. Vampires who cared and had feelings were not something she could deal with. Instead, she slumped back in her seat, crossing her arms over her chest.

Spike opened the door and tossed out the now-empty blood packet before shutting the door back and driving out of the parking lot.

*** *** ***

"Buffy? Come on, luv, sun's almost up. Time to get out of the car and get inside for the day."

Buffy mumbled, turning away from Spike as he shook her shoulders lightly. She'd fallen asleep in the DeSoto at some point during the ride, still exhausted from everything she'd been through despite sleeping for most of the day.

"Just gotta wake up for a few minutes, Buffy, and then you can rest all you want, okay?"

Buffy blinked as she struggled to open her eyes. "Where are we?" she asked sleepily.

"Seattle," Spike said. "Or thereabouts anyway. Come on, kitten."

Buffy got out of the car, stumbling a little before stretching her cramped limbs. "I'm so sick of being in that car," she muttered.

"I know, princess," Spike replied. He put his arm around her, helping her walk. "I've already brought your things up to the room, so let's just go in, yeah?"

Buffy nodded, deciding that sounded like a good idea. She walked with Spike into the lobby, stopping a little when she saw where they were. Granted, it wasn't the Ritz or anything, but it was a far cry from the run-down motels where they'd been staying. "Hey, this place is sorta nice," Buffy said, looking around.

"I thought you could use a place a little more comfortable right now," Spike replied. "Maybe stay a couple days and rest?"

Buffy looked up at him. "Can we really?"

"Yeah, we can. Room's upstairs. Let's go."

Spike took her on the elevator, and Buffy kept her head nestled against his side, her eyes closing again until the doors opened with a ding. She stumbled a little walking again, and Spike lifted her up this time, carrying her down the hall and into their room, opening the door with a keycard.

He put her down on the large bed in the center of the room, and Buffy sighed, the mattress there so much more comfortable than the ones they'd been sleeping on. Spike took off her shoes then helped her take off the rest of her clothes before getting her under the covers. "Go back to sleep, princess," he said softly, kissing her forehead.

Buffy nodded her agreement, already following his words.

*** *** ***

Buffy woke up feeling decidedly more rested than she remembered being in some time, her limbs not stiff and aching for once. Spike was curled up behind her and she moved against him without thinking, settling into his embrace.

As she became more aware of her surroundings, she remembered Spike bringing her into the actually decent hotel the night before and was glad to see that that hadn't been a dream. And he'd also told her they could stay there for a little while, which made her want to jump up and down with glee. The past few days had taken their toll on her both physically and emotionally, and rest was exactly what she needed.

She turned in Spike's arms so she could face him, and watched him for a few moments while he slept. He'd told her last night in the car that he'd actually been afraid when he'd seen her in the bathroom. Had he meant he was just afraid because of the whole being mated thing, or was he actually afraid for her?

Buffy bit her bottom lip. So much of this claim confused her, the most confusing thing of all being her own feelings—as well as Spike's. She'd tried to convince herself that anything positive she felt for him or he felt for her was fabricated by the claim, but Spike insisted otherwise. So what was it? Could he honestly care so deeply for her that he'd go against his very nature to stop feeding from live humans?

Was taking her here and letting her rest his way of apologizing for his earlier treatment of her, of trying to start making it up to her?

She wanted to believe that as much as she didn't. It would be so nice if it was true, if she could just surrender herself to all of this and maybe find happiness in the arms of a man she had to admit was quite attractive. But on the other hand, accepting a vampire could behave like this because he actually cared for someone and not because he was hoping for some personal gain went completely against everything she'd been raised to believe. Almost from the time she was born, Buffy had been taught to see vampires as the quintessential representation of evil. With the Slayer as her mother, she'd been taught early to fear them, the rules of her childhood centering around keeping her from becoming the meal of a vampire wanting to get to her mother.

Never leave the house after dark by yourself.

Never invite anyone in, even someone you know.

Never trust a vampire—they'll always trick you.

It was that last rule that stuck with her the most now. She remembered when she'd learned it, as a girl of only three years old. She'd been shopping with her mother when they'd gotten separated, and Buffy had been terrified, wandering around in search of Joyce until she'd ended up lost in a passage of service corridors. There a man had stopped her, telling her he knew her mother and that he would bring her to her.

She'd discovered quickly that he was a vampire. Another rule her mother had set was to always carry a cross and to use it to test anyone that frightened her. Joyce had sewn one into the arm of Buffy's favorite toy—a stuffed pig she'd named Mr. Gordo—allowing the girl to press it against the vampire's skin, the burn that rose forth telling her what she needed to know.

But the vampire had merely smiled at her, telling her that yes, he was what she thought he was, but it was okay. He was a good vampire, and he was going to help her now because her mother was in trouble. Buffy had been reaching tentatively to take his hand when he'd exploded into dust, her mother standing behind him, stake in hand. She'd scooped Buffy up then, holding her desperately and making her promise to never ever trust a vampire, no matter what it said, They were skilled liars, able to lure almost anyone into their grasp. First and foremost, they were hunters, and a sweet façade could often be just what they needed to ensnare their prey.

Vampires could lie with a smile. They could offer you just what you wanted, making you feel safe until the very moment when they sunk their fangs into your neck. They cared only for themselves, and would never do anything that wasn't self-serving. Her mother had been so clear about that, drilled it into her head until Buffy knew it was the absolute truth, something that could never change.

Vampires couldn't be trusted. Spike was a vampire. Spike couldn't be trusted.

So what did he have to gain from all of this? What did he have to gain from choosing bagged blood over fresh?

Buffy racked her brain and couldn't think of a single thing. And the way he'd told her he was afraid last night… It had sounded so sincere, his words holding what could only be pain. And then there was what she felt through the claim. There was no dishonesty coming through, nothing that seemed to indicate that he was being anything but forthright in his feelings and actions towards her.

But then again, the claim had come from him, so couldn't it be lying to her, too?

Her brain said yes. Her heart screamed no.

It was like information overload trying to process it all, too much conflicting data to compute. So she just wouldn't, simple as that. Spike was evil and he didn't really care about her because he was a vampire and that was the way of things.

There, that was simple enough.

All it took was for Spike to open his eyes to un-simple it right up.

He looked at her as if he adored her, smiling softly as he woke. "You sleep all right last night, kitten?" he asked, his voice rumbly enough to make her shiver.

"Yeah, I did," she admitted. "This bed's comfy."

"Mmm…it is," Spike agreed. He pulled her closer, his lips descending, but stopping right before they touched hers. "Nice an' warm with you in it." He did kiss her then, with that toe-curling passion she'd come to associate with him.

Soon, he was rolling them over, his erection poking into her thigh and making it clear what he wanted. Buffy felt an immediate flood of moisture between her legs, but at the same time she didn't want to do this, not now. Things were still too jumbled for her, and even with him choosing bagged blood the night before, the effects of feeling him feed were still reverberating through her. She pushed against his chest. "I can't do this."

Spike pulled up immediately, and Buffy was surprised when he rolled off of her and didn't press the issue. She'd expected it to turn into a battle of wills and had feared he'd use the claim to make her change her mind, to give into what her body wanted instead of the rest of her. "Yeah, all right," he said instead, almost as if he'd expected that to be her response. He cleared his throat. "There's a pretty decent bathtub in there. Why don't you go soak for a bit, and I'll call room service to get you some breakfast, okay?"

It was a strange response from him, but the offer was too good of one for her to turn down. "All right. That sounds nice."

Spike kissed her forehead then let her slip from his arms. "Call me if you need anything."

"I will," she told him before getting out of the bed and going to the bathroom. She stopped at the door, turning towards him again, but he was sitting up now, his back to her, and Buffy said nothing, walking into the other room instead.

*** *** ***
 

Chapter 20:

Spike sat on the edge of the bed, his mind racing. He'd had a feeling that Buffy was going to start rejecting him physically now, and he hadn't been at all surprised when she had that morning. He knew he could've gotten her to change her mind, worked her into a desperate need with his touch, but he also knew that in the long run, that would get him nowhere. Sure, there'd be the instant gratification, but Spike wanted more than that now.

He wanted her to feel for him what he felt for her.

He was certain beyond any doubt now that he had somehow managed to fall in love with Buffy. He wasn't quite sure how since the chit had gotten on his bloody nerves from day one, but he had. She could be quite endearing at times, even when she didn't mean to be.

Especially when she didn't mean to be…

Buffy was everything Drusilla was not. She was warm and strong, not at all a cold, cruel woman always asking to be coddled like Dru had been. He'd thought he'd been content with what he'd had before, happy to be a willing slave to his sire, bending to her every whim and reveling in her cruelty.

Now he realized he hadn't been, even long before Angelus had come and upset the balance of their relationship. Drusilla had made him feel so many things, but not once had she made him feel alive. Buffy could. With just a look, Buffy could make him completely forget his heart no longer beat.

And strangely enough, he was attracted to just how good she was. He frowned at that realization. He'd told her before that her not being evil was a problem for him, but when he actually thought about it, it wasn't. Granted, if she was all right with him killing it would make certain things easier, but he found the kindness she had in her strangely appealing. Maybe it was some wonky side effect of claiming a human.

But he'd screwed everything up. He wished he'd figured out in the beginning that he felt this way about her and then just not done things such as tie her up and put her in the trunk of his car. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but in retrospect, maybe it wasn't so much. As he'd already come fully to terms with, Buffy was very much not Drusilla. That was how he dealt with Dru, his sire always up for a good round of punishment. Angelus had already broken her years ago anyway.

He'd been the one to break Buffy. That thought made him sick, and he wished more than anything that he could take it all back, every cruel thing he'd done to his mate. He should've known she'd never adjust to his feeding, he should've known that her good heart couldn't take it. She wasn't like him. She was pure, she was light. She'd never survive in the darkness. It would make her wither, kill everything he loved about her.

So what could he do? He certainly couldn't go into the light with her. He was a demon and he was evil. It was a simple fact, not something he could get around. Even with knowing that he couldn't because of what it would do to her, Spike wanted to feed, and he knew there was a possibility that trying not to would someday become too much and he would again, hurting Buffy in the process. He wasn't anymore cut out to be the mate of someone like her than she was to be the mate of someone like him.

So did that mean he regretted claiming her?

Not for an instant.

This wasn't going to be easy, Spike knew that much. Hell, it may not even be possible. But he was going to try, even if it took everything he had. In a very short time, Buffy had come to mean the world to him, and he was going to fix things, make things right with her. He didn't know how, but he'd find a way, and then they'd make it all work.

In the meantime, he wasn't going to push her. She felt something for him, he knew, despite the fact he'd been a right bastard since they'd met. It was tentative and he wasn't even sure how aware of it she was, but it was there, giving him that spark of hope that he could build something real with her. He knew he was going to have to act on something other than impulse with her, giving her the time she needed to come to grips with what they had instead of forcing it on her like he had been doing. Clearly, that hadn't worked.

If he had any doubts of that, all he had to do was call forth the all-too-crisp memory of her lying almost-lifeless on the bathroom floor, and those doubts were as good as gone.

He needed to start over, show her that he meant it when he said he loved her. She obviously wasn't going to just trust what the claim told her, so he was going to have to prove it to her with his actions. He'd started that last night, by getting the packets of blood for feeding and bringing her someplace where she could really be comfortable. Still, he needed to do something more, something big that would prove to her just what she meant to him. He just had no idea what.

So he'd do small for now. Take things slowly, one day at a time. He'd let her come to him, let her be the one to take the next step. That way, he'd know she was really accepting him, that she had finally come to grips with their relationship and that she wasn't going to run from it anymore.

Hopefully, he didn't explode before she did.

It was going to be a struggle, Spike knew. Moving at Buffy's pace was going to meant taking three steps forward and two steps back over and over again until he wanted to scream. But in the end, it would all be worth it. He'd finally have what he wanted more than anything in the world.

Someone to love for all eternity...

*** *** ***

Buffy felt decidedly better after her bath. Soaking in the warm water had felt delightful, easing out much of the tension her muscles had been storing. Afterwards, she'd dried her hair, grateful to actually get to style it a little again. And as an extra bonus, the hotel had provided big, fluffy robes, and she happily wrapped herself in one.

When she walked back into the bedroom, Spike was setting up her breakfast, and her eyes widened at how much food he'd ordered. "You can't possibly expect me to eat all that," she said.

"Eat as much as you can," Spike told her. "You're still too skinny."

"You think back to all this 'too skinny' stuff when I'm the size of an elephant," she said, wagging her finger at him.

Spike chuckled. "Just get over here and eat."

She walked over to the table and Spike pulled her chair out for her before pushing it in as well. He fixed her a plate piled high with breakfast foods and pushed it in front of her. "I'm gonna be like Dumbo, I'm telling you," she said, looking down at the meal.

Spike's eyebrow quirked. "You'll start flying with your ears?"

Buffy gave him a dirty look. "Ha, ha."

"Eat."

She picked up the fork and did as he said, finding herself surprisingly grateful to be eating something a little more real than what she had been over the past few days. Spike stood by the table for only a moment before announcing he was going to take a shower and leaving her alone.

Buffy ate more than she thought she would, but finally got her fill, happy just to finally have a full belly. She leaned back in the chair, smiling slightly,

Her eyes were drawn towards what appeared to be a balcony, though it was fully blocked by curtains that were pulled tight. She got up to inspect it, finding that there was indeed a sliding glass door that led out to a balcony, decorated with a couple of potted ferns. She glanced at the shut bathroom door, hearing the water still running.

Should she risk it? If she was just out on the balcony, she wouldn't really be leaving during the day, but would Spike see it that way? Maybe she could just duck out for a moment, get some fresh air, and then come back in before he left the bathroom. She'd only step out for a second…

Making up her mind, Buffy slid open the glass door and stepped on to the balcony, pulling the curtain shut behind her to make sure no sunlight got into the room. She walked out into the sun, wishing for a moment that she had more privacy so she could drop her robe and feel the warm rays on her skin. But even with the robe, it felt wonderful.

She glanced back towards the room. She should go back in, but she probably could take another minute. She had time.

"Buffy?"

Buffy froze. Dammit! He'd found her gone, and now he'd be mad, and she didn't know what he'd do to her. Would he just yell, or would he hurt her? Had she ruined everything and he was going to stop being nice like he had been this morning and make her stay in another horribly cramped motel? She hurried back into the room.

"I…I just wanted some air, and I thought it would be okay because I wasn't leaving the room, but it felt nice out there, and I'm sorry Spike, so please don't be mad at me I won't do it again, I'll stay right here where it's dark, and…"

"Whoa, kitten, slow down," Spike said, reaching out and putting a finger to her lips to stop her rambling. "You can go out on the balcony. It's all right. I asked for a room with one so you could. Figured it would be nice for you to get to spend a little time in the sun."

Buffy stared at him in surprise. That was…well, nice. Why did he keep doing these things? They were making her very confused.

"Go on back out there, luv." He smiled at her, though there was a sadness Buffy could see in his eyes. He ran his hand down her hair. "I bet you look beautiful in the sunlight."

As he said that, Buffy realized where that sadness was coming from—he couldn't be out there with her. Not only had he done something nice for her by getting the balcony, but he'd done something that would hurt him. She glanced back towards the balcony for a moment before looking at him again. "Maybe later," she said. "I think I got my sunlight quota while you were in the shower. Wanna watch television or something?"

Spike frowned. He had been able to tell when she'd been outside that she was happy out there, and he doubted she wanted to come in. So why wasn't she going back out, especially now that she knew he wasn't going to be angry with her for it? It didn't… Wait a minute… Was she staying inside because she didn't want him to feel bad that she could be out there and he couldn't? "You don't have to stay in because of me, Buffy," he told her. "I'll be all right in here."

"I'm not doing it for you," Buffy insisted quickly, though her tone made her sound like she'd been caught and was trying to her tracks. "I just…want to watch television. Look—it's all big."

Spike smiled to himself, Buffy's decision to stay in with him giving him a little more hope that they could work through their problems. "All right—just no more of that nancy boy Leo."

"What, are you jealous that I think someone else is cute?"

Spike snorted. "Hardly. I'm sexier than him any day."

Buffy crossed her arms in front of her, making a show of inspecting him. "Hmm…it's a close call…"

"Hey!" Spike yelled, clearly insulted. "What do you mean by that?"

Buffy giggled. "I'm just teasing you, silly boy. You know how sexy you are."

Spike preened at that. He did, it was just nice to hear her say it now and then… He took a step closer to her, his eyes darkening. Buffy sobered then, her body beginning to tremble slightly. Spike stopped mere inches away from her and ran his hand down the curves of her side. He leered at her, curving his tongue around his teeth.

Buffy felt her knees threaten to give out from under her. How could he always do this to her? Just a look and she was putty. She knew there were reasons not to want him, but they were so hard to remember when he looked at her like that. He leaned in, his lips almost touching hers, and she closed her eyes, anticipating his kiss.

It didn't come. Her eyes flew back open when Spike stepped away He walked over to the couch and flopped himself down. "So, telly then?"

Buffy gaped for a moment before her mouth slammed shut. What had that been all about? He'd seemed like he was about to take her right there on the floor in the middle of the room and then…nothing? It was just as well, she told herself. She didn't really want him anyway. "Yep, that's what I want," she said, her voice suddenly almost too chipper. "To watch television."

Spike kept his smile in check as he saw Buffy struggle to reign in her desire again. Despite the fact that he'd rather be inside her than not, this was strangely amusing, playing this game with her. And he knew the outcome would be well worth the wait…

Soon enough, she would be the one to come to him.

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