Chapter 14 – Pick up the Pieces


Feeling tremors racing through his body, Spike moaned in his sleep, unconsciously seeking out the source of pleasure and comfort. Slowly becoming more aware of his surroundings as he opened his eyes, he found himself gasping for air.

“Fucking hell,” he rasped, unsure of what was happening to him, his hand immediately coming up to briefly cover his face as his hips arched off the bed.

‘Wait,’ Spike thought, his eyes darting around the room. ‘Bed…room…oh God-’

“Buffy,” he whispered, trying to retain some semblance of control, even as the sound of his voice made her more bold with her movements. Almost terrified of looking downward, Spike gasped for air when he saw her positioned above him, her lips moving up and down over his solid shaft, creating a suction that he thought he could possibly die from.

‘Oh God, what do I do?’ he thought frantically, his eyes rolling back as he gritted his teeth, fighting every urge in his body to pump into her mouth and say to hell with the consequences. ‘If I ask her to stop, she’ll think I don’t like her, and if I don’t, she’ll think she has to do this because it’s what I want.’

Feeling her long hair trailing over his stomach as she moved, Spike’s hands automatically reached lower to gently twine through the soft golden curls, trying to be strong enough to stop her as she added more pressure with her hand, smiling against him when she felt Spike’s body trembling beneath her.

Pushing her hair away from her face, Spike realized that was the last thing he should have done. Seeing her mouth sliding down his cock before using her tongue on the way up caused his eyes to roll shut as another wave of pleasure shot through him. His body was shaking with the effort to stay moderately calm, but Spike knew he was fighting a losing battle.

He had never felt so weak and defenseless in his life. “Buffy,” he whispered, feeling a brief pause in her ministrations before she went back to what she was doing.

“Mmm?”

“Oh God,” Spike breathed out as the humming sensation spread through him. His hips arching of their own accord, his hands briefly tightened in her hair, his body eagerly seeking out the release that his mind was so desperately warring against. “Buffy, I’m gonna-”

He cut himself off, nearly groaning in pain and pleasure, he clenched his teeth to try and ward off his orgasm. Groaning when Buffy ignored him and let her lips slide even further down, driving him deeper into her mouth, causing another minor, uncontrollable thrust from Spike.

He was so close.

“Buffy…yeah, baby…I-I’m gonna come, pet…I’m…now…”

Practically exploding in pleasure, Spike gasped for breath as he pulsed into her welcoming mouth, shaking as he slowly came back down to reality and noticing her swallowing every bit of salty fluid.

Feeling remorse practically pour out of him, Spike took a steadying breath as Buffy crawled up his body and rested her head against his chest, wrapping one arm securely around his stomach and playing with the smooth muscles of his chest. Spike sighed, wrapping his arm around her body and holding her close.

“Was that okay?” she whispered, never looking at him. The insecurity was practically rolling off of her.

Closing his eyes to stop the tears that were burning to make themselves known, Spike nodded before taking a deep breath and kissing the top of her head. “Amazing, luv…you’re amazing.”

Feeling her relax against him, Spike held her tight, wishing he knew the right words to say. Wishing he could get around the lump in his throat long enough to say some soothing words to her.

“I’m going to get a shower,” she whispered, sitting up and kissing his cheek.

Spike gave her a gentle smile, feeling his heart clench as she slid out of bed and crossed the room before shutting the door to the bathroom. Safely alone with his thoughts, he finally let the tears spill over, covering his face with a shuddering breath as his shoulders shook with the force of his silent sobs.

‘There’s no telling how much damage you just caused because you’re too weak, you wanker,’ he thought miserably.

* * * * *

Closing the door of the bathroom behind her, Buffy leaned against it for a moment, staring at herself in the mirror in front of her. Seeing the fresh bruises and cuts, she gently probed the skin around her eyes as she stared at a woman she no longer recognized.

Slowly taking off Spike’s shirt and inspecting the damage to the rest of her body, Buffy felt her chin quivering as she looked at herself with disgust and revulsion, realizing that Parker’s body was the last thing that hers recognized. She began shaking with the realization, feeling filthy and used.

“No one will ever want you.”

The sound of Parker’s voice fluttered into her subconscious.

“No one will ever love you the way I love you.”

Wiping away the tears that fell from her eyes, Buffy sniffled as she continued to look at herself, unable to tear her gaze away from the hideous figure in the mirror. She couldn’t even see herself anymore. She couldn’t see the woman she really was- she only saw the woman that Parker had successfully turned her into.

No longer the cheerful, happy-go-lucky cheerleader of her high school days, now Buffy felt as if she’d aged fifty years in the last twelve months, and if her view of herself told her anything, she had.

Feeling the tears slipping down her cheeks, Buffy turned the faucet of the shower on, climbing in and uncaring that the temperature went from icy cold to scalding hot in the period of a few seconds. Curling up in the bottom of the tub, she finally let the tears fall free that she had been trying to hold onto since Spike had come back last night.

Hoping that the water would help burn and cleanse her of her feelings, Buffy let her body shake with sobs, covering her mouth so Spike wouldn’t hear her.

‘Of course Spike doesn’t want you,’ she thought in a voice that oddly sounded like Parker’s. Muffling her tears as she looked at herself, Buffy frantically clawed at her arms and legs, needing some form of release from the horrible thoughts that were swirling around inside of her. ‘Who could possibly want you the way you are now?’




 

Chapter 15 – Recovering


Pulling himself together after several long minutes, Spike shakily got to his feet and straightened up the room, needing to keep his mind occupied as he did everything in his power to not think about the enticing blonde in the shower.

‘Shower,’ Spike thought, suddenly realizing how long the water had been running.

Walking toward the door, he timidly knocked on it, listening closely for anything resembling an invitation to enter. His brows knit together as he knocked again, a little louder for her benefit.

“Buffy?” he called softly, pressing a hand to the door as he waited for her answer. Knocking again, Spike swallowed the lump in his throat as he continued to listen. “Buffy, open the door, pet.”

Trying the knob, he breathed a sigh of relief when it turned without resistance. Opening the door, a cloud of steam enveloped him, causing his eyes to narrow as he tried to focus in the foggy room. Walking over to the shower, he felt panic fill him when he noticed the air turn cooler. “Buffy?”

Pulling back the shower curtain, Spike thought his heart was going to stop as he saw her small form huddled at the back of the shower, shivering under the now icy spray. Quickly turning off the water, he felt his heart tighten in his chest as he took a moment to survey the damage. Seeing the long deep scratches and welts that were raised on her arms and legs, Spike felt the air leave his lungs in terror.

Grabbing a towel off the nearby rack, he stepped into the shower, crouching in front of the young woman.

“Talk to me, luv,” he whispered, drying her skin, careful not to irritate her healing wounds as he pulled her up into his arms. “What happened?”

“Don’t look at me,” she mumbled almost incoherently, her teeth chattering as Spike tried to warm her up.

“Buffy-”

“I don’t want you to see me,” she said in a whisper, trying to pull away from him. Easily restrained by Spike’s strong arms, Buffy felt the tears start all over again. “Please, Spike, don’t look at me,” she sobbed, feeling relieved and terrified when he pulled her into his arms.

“What happened, sweetheart?”

“Don’t,” she sobbed, pushing against his chest and sobbing when he held her close.

Pulling away slightly to gently cup her face in his hands, Spike stared at her with a mixture of concern and anxiety. “Don’t what?”

“I don’t deserve you,” she whispered, her teeth chattering as her body tried to reclaim some warmth. “I don’t deserve to have you as a friend or savior or…or anything else.”

Taking a deep breath, Spike quickly grabbed the burgundy robe off the back of the door and slipped it around her shoulders, running his hands up and down her covered arms to create some form of friction, trying to get her warm.

“You don’t deserve what he did to you,” he finally whispered, picking her up and walking back into the bedroom. Carefully putting her down on the soft mattress, Spike stripped himself of his shirt and lay down next to her, pulling her closer to him and wrapping the comforter around their bodies, hoping to use his body heat to get her warm as she shivered against him.

“You don’t know what I deserve,” she finally murmured softly.

“Yes, I do,” he whispered, pulling her closer to him and kissing the top of her head. “You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have someone who loves you and doesn’t threaten and take advantage of you at every turn. You deserve someone who is the exact opposite of him.”

“What’s wrong with me, Spike?” Buffy asked in a choked whisper as fresh tears started to fall.

“Nothing,” he said softly. “There is nothing wrong with you. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Then why am I being punished?” she asked in a barely audible voice.

Spike felt tears sting his eyes as he swallowed the lump in his throat. “Just bad luck, pet…but it’s over now. He’s not going to hurt you again.”

“Why do you even care?” she asked miserably, turning her watery eyes to look at him.

“Because I love you, Buffy,” Spike whispered.

He wasn’t prepared for the look of terror that crossed her face.

“No,” she whispered, shaking her head as she tried to get away from him, doing everything she could to sit up. “No!”

“Buffy! What’s wrong?” Spike asked, holding her around her waist and trying to get her to look at him.

“Don’t…no…don’t love me.”

“Why?” he asked gently, running his hands through her hair, trying to soothe her with his touch.

“Love hurts too much…I don’t want to hurt anymore,” she whispered as tears spilled down her cheeks. She clung to Spike’s arms, her eyes filled with fear. “Please don’t love me, Spike. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want you to hurt me. Please don’t hurt me,” she sobbed in desperation.

Understanding crossed Spike’s face as he realized the abuse must have started after Parker told her he loved her.

“Buffy,” he whispered, making sure she was looking in his eyes that were suddenly filling with tears. “I will never hurt you. Never. Love doesn’t equal pain, and if it takes me the rest of my life, I’m going to make you realize that. You deserve to be loved. I love you,” he said softly, pulling her into his strong embrace. “I love you so much and I won’t let anyone hurt you again.”

“I don’t deserve you,” she said tearfully. “I don’t…please let me go.”

“No,” he said softly with a forceful tone, causing Buffy’s eyes to snap back to his. “I’m not letting you go. I’m never letting you go,” he finished in a whisper, tucking a lock of damp hair behind her ear.

Her senses were assaulted by Parker’s voice saying those same words, but instead of the expected reaction of her muscles tensing, she found herself relaxing into his embrace, letting him hold her more securely to his body.

“I love you,” he whispered, feeling the tears that dripped onto his chest as he tightened his hold. “I can’t let you go…not now…not when we’re so close.”

Sniffling slightly, Buffy raised her eyes to his, offering him a soft smile of gratitude. “I want to say it,” she said softly. “I want to, but…I don’t know if it would mean anything. I don’t know if I’m capable of that.”

“You are,” he said with a gentle smile. “You just need to remember.”



 

Chapter 16 - Mending


Slowly opening his eyes, Spike’s first instinct was to stretch his stiff muscles before he noticed the tiny blonde, protectively nestled in his arms. Smiling down at Buffy as he watched her sleep, he was relieved to see the peaceful look that had settled over her features.

Hearing a soft sigh as Buffy slowly moved, stretching one arm above her head and opening her eyes, he saw the brief confusion flicker in her gaze as she wondered where she was. Seeing Spike lying next to her, she easily relaxed. “Hi,” she said softly.

“Hi,” he replied with a smile. “Sleep well?”

“Yeah,” she murmured in a tired voice, reaching up to run her hands through her tangled hair and groaning when she encountered the knots where it had dried while she was asleep. “Oooh, not good,” she said with a smile that Spike eagerly returned.

“Looks fine to me, luv.”

“Of course it would,” she said with a soft giggle that was music to Spike’s ears. “Hair advice from the peroxide king.”

“Oi!” Spike cried indignantly, his brow furrowed in mock annoyance. “I think I look damn sexy.”

“You would,” she said with a smile, laughing when Spike immediately attacked her ribs before hissing in pain as one of her injuries decided to make itself known again.

“Oh, pet, I’m sorry,” he said, his voice thick with worry.

“Not your fault,” she said, grimacing as she braced her hand against her ribs, sitting up in the bed.

“I should have…I didn’t-”

“Can we do something tonight?” Buffy asked, turning toward him with a hopeful expression, desperately wanting to change the subject.

“What do you want to do?” Spike asked, relieved that she seemed okay. Folding his hands behind his head, he watched her as she got out of bed and began going through a bag that Willow and Riley had brought for her the night before.

“I don’t know,” she said with a shrug, turning around with a small bag and a brush in her hands, immediately working it through her hair. “Something fun.”

“You sure you feel up to it?” Seeing the chipper façade fade away, Spike immediately regretted the tactless comment. “I just meant…”

“I know,” she said with an understanding smile. “And I feel okay…but if you don’t want to or you have plans, I’ll understand.”

Spike frowned as she turned around, walking toward the bathroom.

“Hey,” he called after her, throwing the covers away and getting out of the bed. Seeing her stop in the doorway, he quickly approached and carefully wrapped his arms around her waist, leaving gentle kisses along her neck and shoulder, smiling as she shivered through the thick terrycloth. “I would love to do something,” he whispered. “How about a movie?”

“Okay,” Buffy said with a smile as she turned around. Watching as her smile slowly faded away, Spike frowned.

“Something wrong?” he asked, tilting his head in her direction.

Turning toward the mirror, Buffy grimaced when she saw the battered reflection that looked back at her. “Maybe we shouldn’t,” she murmured, biting her lip and running the brush through her hair.

“Why not?” Spike asked, watching over her shoulder as she briefly made eye contact with him before looking away.

“Look at me, Spike,” she whispered tearfully. “I’m not exactly…”

“You’re beautiful,” he said softly, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her neck. “But if you don’t want to go out, we can always stay in and rent a movie.”

“Really?” she asked with a hopeful expression.

“We can even ask the guys if they want to join us.”

Buffy gave him a brilliant smile as she relaxed against his chest. “That sounds good.”

“We’ll go pick something out when you’re ready,” he said, letting go of her and walking over to sit on the edge of the tub, enjoying the simple act of watching her go through a familiar routine. Once the bruises faded and the cuts healed, he knew that this would be one of his favorite times with her. Just enjoying the simple act of watching her go through something as normal as getting ready in the morning.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Buffy asked with a smile as she put on some moisturizer.

“Just admiring from afar, pet,” he said with a smirk.

“Not much to admire,” she muttered, looking through her make-up bag and pulling out a bottle of foundation, hoping to cover the worst of the bruising.

“Don’t say that,” Spike said, his brow furrowed as he tilted his head to watch her. “It fades. It will all fade, Buffy.”

“Maybe,” she whispered, glancing at her reflection and looking away in disgust.

“It will,” he insisted.

“What about the internal damage?” she murmured almost to herself, playing with the small cap on the bottle.

Spike swallowed as he clasped his hands in front of him. “Maybe you should see someone, Goldilocks,” he whispered, hoping she wouldn’t get defensive at the simple suggestion.

“Like a therapist?” she asked softly.

“Yeah,” Spike said, nodding slightly.

“You’re majoring in psych,” Buffy said, turning toward him with a forced smile. “Couldn’t I just tell you and have an evaluation?”

“You could,” he murmured with a nod. “But I’m not exactly qualified. I’m here to listen to anything you have to say, but I think you should talk to a professional, luv.”

Avoiding his eyes, Buffy ran her hand along the sink, looking for any kind of distraction. “Do I have to decide now?”

“No,” Spike said quickly, not wanting to push her. “Not now. It’s enough that you’re considering it.”

Offering him a soft smile before turning back to the mirror, Buffy let out a heavy sigh. “I hate black eyes,” she muttered, looking in the mirror.

“I would imagine you would,” Spike replied, watching her carefully and enjoying the fighter that seemed to emerge from the young woman. He realized he was catching a rare glimpse of the woman she used to be…the woman she should be.

“It’s just…you’re always aware when you have one.”

“I’m not sure I followed you round that bend, pet,” he replied, standing up and moving behind her so he was visible in the mirror, over her shoulder.

Buffy sighed, looking away from her reflection and turning around. “See this?” she asked, gesturing to the bruise on her jaw. “Yeah, it hurts, but it hurts when I talk. If it hurts too much, I just don’t have to talk for a while. You with me so far?”

“So far, so good.”

“Well, with a black eye, every time I blink, it hurts and I can’t just…stop blinking.”

Spike pulled her closer, careful not to hurt her as she snuggled into his chest.

“It won’t hurt for long,” he whispered, kissing the top of her head.

“Can I stay here?” she asked with a smile. “I forget all the pain when you’re holding me.”

“You think I’m going to let you go?” Spike asked, tightening his hold and smiling when he felt her soft giggle against his chest.

 

Chapter 17 – Healing


Snuggling closer to Spike on one of the couches in the main room, Buffy jumped when the door opened as several guys walked in.

“It’s okay, luv,” Spike whispered, holding her close. “You’re safe with me. No one here is going to hurt you.”

Relaxing against him, she slowly nodded. “I know,” she murmured, keeping her voice low so the other couples wouldn’t overhear.

True to his word, Spike had organized a movie night, inviting Angel, Faith, Riley, and Willow to join them. Buffy had been trying her hardest not to jump at every little thing, but even with Spike’s arms wrapped firmly around her, she still couldn’t manage to settle down.

“You want to go upstairs?” Spike asked, keeping his tone light so that she knew it was in the most innocent of contexts. Looking at her in concern when he felt another shudder run through her body, he wrapped his arms more securely around her.

Glancing around the room, Buffy shook her head. “Not yet. I’m sorry I’m so jumpy.”

“Not a problem,” he replied with a gentle smile. “Anything you want, you just let me know.”

Feeling her settled comfortably against him, Spike let his lips brush across the top of her head, bringing his hands up to her shoulders and massaging the tension away. As her breathing evened out and she leaned more heavily against him, Spike smiled when he realized she was falling asleep against him. Never stopping his movements, he waited until he was sure she was asleep, not wanting to disturb her much needed rest.

* * * * *

Everything was black. She couldn’t find her way out. She couldn’t protect herself against the pain that was exploding through every fiber of her body. Only one thought was running through her mind- she had to get away.

Trying to throw the weight from her body, she struck out, feeling moderately satisfied when her fist connected with something, uncaring of what it might be. Pushing the body away, she tried to get to her feet before feeling an arm wrap around her waist.

“Buffy!”

“No,” she said, her brain unable to comprehend where she was or who was saying her name as the fear gripped her. “No, no, no, no…”

“Buffy!”

Opening her eyes, Buffy panted for air, trying to remember where she was. Recognizing the familiar walls and the bed, she looked around in panic. Remembering that she was downstairs watching a movie with Spike and her friends, she realized that she must have fallen asleep against him and he brought her up to his room.

“Spike?” she murmured, looking over and frowning when she saw him. One arm still securely around her waist and the other covering his eye, Buffy felt her chin trembling when she realized what happened. “I’m sorry,” she said in a choked whisper, hesitantly reaching out to him before jerking her arm back, her body shaking as she tried to get away.

“It’s alright, kitten,” he whispered, holding back the flinch of pain as he pulled his hand away, knowing that it would be swollen in the morning. “You were having a nightmare, it was an accident.”

Hearing a knock on the door, Buffy immediately cowered while Spike quickly got out of bed and walked through the small living room to open the door.

“Everything alright?” Angel asked, looking over Spike’s shoulder. “I heard screaming.”

“Mine or hers?” Spike asked with a smile, briefly touching the back of his hand to his eye before grimacing and pulling it away.

“Did she…?”

“She had a nightmare. I got caught in the crossfire. Everything’s alright now.”

Angel nodded before saying goodnight. Spike closed the door, leaning his head against it for a moment when he heard the soft noise behind him. Turning around, he smiled and opened his arms for Buffy when he saw her standing in the doorway. Quickly sprinting forward to be wrapped in his embrace, she clung to him, seeking out the comfort only he could offer.

His brows knit together as his eyes closed in concern, realizing the mistake he’d made a moment later.

“Bloody hell,” Spike muttered, refraining from reaching up to inspect his eye. “You were right about black eyes, Goldilocks. They fucking hurt.”

Seeing the crestfallen look on her face, he quickly kissed her forehead, firmly wrapping one arm around her waist and tilting her eyes up to his.

“Hey,” he said softly with a timid smile. “It’s alright.”

“I shouldn’t have…”

“Shouldn’t have…what? You had a nightmare, luv. There’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t worry about me- I’ve had much worse.”

Buffy sniffled as she nodded before calmly extracting herself from his arms and walking toward the bathroom.

“Buffy?”

Turning around at the sound of Spike’s voice, she slowly raised her eyes to his.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” she whispered with a nod, slipping into the bathroom and shutting the door behind her.

Leaning against the back of the door, her eyes slowly opened, seeing the mirror in front of her and barely recognizing the girl looking back at her.

Staring at herself for a long moment, Buffy couldn’t stop the hatred and revulsion that built up inside of her. She knew that Parker was the cause, but she couldn’t get away from the poison that he had infected her with. Closing her eyes against her reflection, she slowly turned and walked back into the bedroom.

Seeing her pale face and her eyes filled with pain, Spike jumped off the bed and made his way over to her.

“What’s wrong, luv?”

“Spike,” she whispered, avoiding his eyes as she tried to gain enough strength to say the words. “I think I should see someone.”

“A therapist?” he asked gently, feeling a weight lifted from his shoulders when Buffy nodded. “Alright then,” he said, tilting his head to give her a soft smile when she finally looked up at him. “I’ll call tomorrow morning and make you an appointment.”

“You know someone?” she asked nervously as she took a step away from him.

“Yeah,” Spike said softly, his head tilted in confusion. “What’s wrong?”

“Y-you’ve been planning this?”

Spike sighed, wishing that he could break through the barriers that Parker had surrounded her with and get her to trust him. He almost wished that she could be the Buffy she used to be, but then he remembered that this is the woman he had fallen in love with and he wouldn’t hesitate to help her. “I asked one of my professors if he could recommend someone.”

“Before yesterday?”

“Yeah,” he whispered, sitting down so he wouldn’t appear as intimidating to her. “I’ve been worried about you for a while…I figured it couldn’t hurt to find someone you can trust.”

“Oh,” she whispered, trying to nod as Spike grabbed her hand, tugging her forward to give her a soft kiss.

“Everything will be fine, sweetheart. I promise.”

Taking a deep breath and bravely straddling his lap, Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a tender kiss before pulling back to rest her head against his. “Promise?”

He let his hands run along her back, feeling her relax against his touch. “I promise.”



 

Chapter 18 - Undoing the Damage



“How are you feeling, Buffy?”

Looking up at her therapist Dr. Holden Webster, Buffy felt her heart racing in her chest. “I don’t want to be here,” she said softly.

“That’s understandable. Most people don’t want to be here. Do you understand why you’re here?”

“Yeah,” Buffy said slowly. “Dr. Webster-”

“Call me Holden,” he said with a gentle smile. “I like all my patients to be comfortable with me. Or you can call me Webs. That was my nickname in high school.”

“I think I’ll stick with Holden,” she said with a nod.

“Good. Now tell me why you’re here.”

Pausing and catching her breath after a moment, she finally felt a moderate amount of strength to begin. “Because my boyfriend…ex…my ex-boyfriend was…hurting me.”

Knowing most of the information from reading her file, Holden merely nodded, encouraging her to talk.

“I-I wanted to leave and…I wasn’t strong enough,” she whispered.

“And he forced you to do things against your will?”

Feeling the tears spring to her eyes, Buffy grabbed the edges of the couch, trying to control her breathing. “Spike,” she whispered. “Can Spike please come in here?”

Holden nodded before getting up and walking out to the waiting room, returning a moment later with Spike, who immediately ran over to Buffy and tenderly cupped her face in his hands. “You alright?”

“I am now,” she said softly, her voice filled with relief.

Sitting down next to her, Spike pulled her close, holding her hand tightly in his and offering his silent support.

“Can you tell me about the first time, Buffy?” Holden asked. “Because if you don’t feel comfortable…”

Swallowing hard, Buffy grasped at the man who had turned into her lifeline, looking over at him and feeling relief at the support she saw in his gaze before turning back to Holden.

“W-we had a date and we went back to Par…his room. It was…nice…I guess would be the word,” she whispered, feeling ashamed as she avoided both men in the room.

“And after that?”

“I-I didn’t really know how it worked…I sought him out,” she said in a choked voice. “I asked him for another chance and he…it didn’t start right away,” she finished in a whisper.

“The abuse?”

Flinching at the term, Buffy nodded.

“How did it start?”

“We were…we were arguing and he…hit me.” She could feel the tension in everyone as she continued. “I left. I always told myself that I wouldn’t be that girl. That I wouldn’t put myself in that type of situation.”

“But he got you to give him a second chance.”

“Yeah,” Buffy murmured, fighting the tears in her eyes. “Everything was okay for a while and then it happened again. H-he didn’t just threaten me- he told me he’d hurt my mom or my friends if I didn’t do what he said.”

“And what was that?” Holden asked softly.

“Anything,” she whispered, closing her eyes. “I had to stay quiet about the…pain that he was causing me and I had to…”

Trying to keep her mind from shutting down against the horrible images, Buffy took a deep breath.

“…I had to…perform…whatever he wanted.”

Feeling Spike flinch as he sat next to her, Buffy practically jerked her hand out of his grasp. She could see him seeking her out again, but she was already retreating into herself, only believing that he wanted to pretend it was okay, when it really wasn’t.

‘He thinks you’re disgusting,’ she thought, turning away from him a little bit and running her hands through her hair.

“What are you thinking, Buffy?” Holden asked.

“It’s not important,” she whispered, letting her hands fist in her hair.

“Why?”

“Why…what?” she asked, suddenly unsure of this entire situation.

“Why do you think your thoughts aren’t important?”

“Because they’re not,” she said softly.

“Is that what Parker told you?”

Buffy looked down, nervously running her hands along her pants as she took a deep breath. “Parker told me a lot of things,” she murmured.

“Such as?”

“I…I can’t,” she choked out, feeling the sobs that ran through her, shaking her shoulders as she covered her face with her hands, trying to control her tears. Feeling Spike move closer, Buffy pushed all her thoughts aside and didn’t hesitate to lean into him when his strong arms encircled her small body, pulling her against him and stroking her hair as she cried.

Finally letting herself calm down, Buffy took several deep breaths to calm her nerves before sitting up and turning toward Holden. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

“Nothing to be sorry about,” he replied with an easy smile. “Are you okay?” Seeing her tentative nod, Holden continued, “Can you tell me about the other night.”

Nervously tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, Buffy tried to control the trembling that was running through her body. “I was in my room,” she began in a whisper, trying to find the strength to go on as the memories assaulted her from every direction. She shied away from Spike at the mention of Parker’s name, not even wanting to associate the two of them through simple words. “I…wasn’t doing anything. There was a knock on the door and...”

“Take your time, Buffy,” Holden said softly.

“H-he came back and…and I wasn’t expecting him…I didn’t know it was him,” she continued in a choked voice as tears clouded her vision. “He asked me…”

Taking a deep breath, Buffy closed her eyes for a moment, trying to keep her emotions under control.

“He figured out that I wasn’t waiting for him,” she whispered, the misery rolling off of her in waves.

“How did he figure this out?” Holden asked, knowing what she was talking about.

Shooting a nervous glance at Spike before looking at the doctor, Buffy took a deep breath. “Because I opened the door, thinking that he was someone else…and he knew.”

Spike felt as if his heart stopped when he caught the look she sent his way. The fearful gaze spoke volumes- wanting to hide the fact that she had been waiting for him and that was what made Parker so mad he had taken it out on her. Guilt shot through him at the idea that because of him, she had to suffer.

‘If I had just gone over there earlier…this never would have happened to her. It’s all my fault.’

Buffy could feel every muscle go on edge as Spike realized what she was saying. His body was so rigid, she felt the need to move away from him, sitting in the corner of the couch as he tried to come to terms with what he’d learned.

“And what happened after that, Buffy?”

Turning her attention back to the therapist, she took a deep breath. “He…he told me that I would remember who I belonged to. That no one would ever want me.”

Leaning back in his chair, Holden seemed to be contemplating something for a moment as he looked at his desk. “Do you consider what he did to you to be rape?”

Wrapping her arms around her body in an effort to ward off the chill that was spreading through her, she shrugged.

“Is that a yes?” he asked softly.

“I considered it to be normal,” she murmured.

“What do you mean?”

“He just…he always took what he wanted. Whether it was to take out his aggression or frustration or…or anything else. He was more violent the last time, but…but it really wasn’t out of the ordinary.”

“Did he use sex to control you?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered after a moment. “That was always for him. Never for me.”

“Never for you?”

Spike was watching her, surprise written all over his face.

“It just…it was never about me.”

* * * * *

Walking out into the waiting room, Buffy hugged her arms around her waist, thankful for Spike’s support but wondering if it was too much for him to absorb. Turning toward the door that led to the hallway, she jumped when she felt his arms encircle her waist. “You okay?” he whispered.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Letting his lips brush over her shoulder, Buffy finally relaxed against his touch, hearing his comforting voice behind her, “Me too.”



 

Chapter 19 – Feeling Broken


Walking into the house, Spike suppressed a sigh when Buffy immediately began walking up the stairs, obviously feeling uncomfortable and wanting to be alone for a while.

“How did it go?”

Turning to his right, he saw Angel and Faith watching Buffy with identical somber expressions. He knew that they probably matched his own.

“She’s working through a lot,” he murmured, turning his gaze back to the stairs and barely catching a glimpse of her as she rounded the corner. “It’s going to take some time, but she’s getting there.”

“Maybe you should go check on her,” Faith said, gesturing toward the stairs.

“I think she’d rather be alone,” Spike said softly.

“I think that’s just a cover. Trust me, when girls give off one vibe, they’re actually screaming at you to do the opposite. Go check on her, Spike.”

Wanting nothing more than to walk up there and take Buffy in his arms, he finally gave in. Making his way to the second floor, Spike turned the corner and relaxed a little bit when he saw his door was slightly ajar.

Walking through and closing it behind him, he passed through the small sitting room and into his bedroom. Seeing Buffy curled up on his bed and looking so tiny, he wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms and soothe away everything until she had no worries.

He saw her shoulders tense when he slowly sat down on the bed, letting the soft mattress shift under his weight. Not wanting to startle her, he gently ran his hand along her lower back, rubbing in small circles until he felt her muscles slowly give way under his touch. Hearing the breathy sigh escape her lips, he took it as a sign that he could move a little farther.

Laying down next to her, he let his hand put a little more pressure on her back, smiling at the nearly inaudible moan. Moving upward, he gently massaged the knots from her shoulders, feeling a moderate sense of satisfaction when she leaned more heavily against his touch.

Lowering his hands once again, he wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him, careful to avoid letting her come in contact with his erection.

‘Can’t even touch her without getting hard,’ he thought, still trying to keep her relaxed as he traced small patterns along her stomach.

“Spike?”

Hearing her soft voice enter his subconscious, Spike’s movements stopped for a brief moment before he continued. Nuzzling her neck for a moment and gently kissing the line of her shoulder, he moved upward until he kissed the sensitive skin behind her ear.

“Yeah, luv?” he breathed, feeling a small shiver run through her.

Waiting for a moment, Spike frowned when she didn’t say anything. Slowly turning her over, he was surprised when he felt her soft lips on his. Feeling her body meld to his, he frantically tried to think of a reason why this was wrong. A moment later, his eyes rolled back when her hands ran up his arms to settle on the back of his neck while her lower body pushed against his.

‘That’s why,’ the warning voice in his head suddenly screamed at him.

Slowly pulling his lips away from hers, Spike moved his body away a little bit at a time until they were only connected by their hands.

“Did I do something wrong?” she asked, looking at him with pure fear in her eyes.

Feeling his chest constrict as he witnessed even more of the damage that Parker had caused, Spike shook his head. “No, sweetheart,” he whispered, cupping her face in his hand and letting his thumb gently brush along her cheek. “You did everything a little too right, and that’s why I needed to stop.”

Expecting to see a hint of a smile on her face, Spike was surprised when she bit her lip and avoided his gaze.

“What’s wrong, Buffy?”

“Am I too messed up?” she whispered, not raising her eyes to his.

Spike hooked a finger under her chin and restrained the anger that filled him when she turned her head so that he wouldn’t tilt her eyes toward his. Of course, the anger was, once again, directed at Parker.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “You just need some time. You’re healing and you’ll keep seeing the therapist, and eventually, you’ll feel as good as new.”

“No,” she replied, shaking her head. “I’ll never be as good as new.”

“Why?” Spike asked, silently willing her to look at him.

“Because I feel too broken,” she murmured, finally raising her eyes to his.

Seeing the tears that were shining in them, begging for release, Spike pulled her to him. Swallowing the lump in his throat after a moment, he pressed a kiss to her forehead, letting his hands gently run through her long hair, holding her close to him.

“You’re not broken,” he said softly, pulling back to look into her eyes again, slightly relieved that the tears seemed to have subsided for the moment.

Both stayed quiet for several long minutes, simply enjoying the simple act of being so close to the other.

Spike felt a smile pull on his lips when her hand began rubbing circles on his stomach, much the same way his had been minutes before. He watched her eyes as she studied the black t-shirt he was wearing. He could see the soft smile that was threatening to form as her fingertips traced the line of his abdomen, through the thin material.

The ticklish sensations almost had him laughing, but the softness in her eyes kept him grounded as he watched her.

Her hand slowly moved downward, running along the flat expanse of his stomach. Her face seemed to take on a more serious expression that had Spike arching an eyebrow.

Feeling her hand travel even lower after a moment, he sharply inhaled when her fingertips brush along his belt buckle. Knowing that he wouldn’t be in control much longer, Spike intervened.

“Don’t,” he whispered, shaking his head and catching her hand in his, intertwining their fingers together.

Seeing the crestfallen look on her face and the slight quivering of her chin, he felt like an ass but knew that he would have to be firm to make her realize that he wasn’t after her for one thing.

“Buffy, I’m not here with you to see what I can get out of you,” he said softly.

“All the more reason to give it to you, right?” she murmured, avoiding his gaze.

“No,” he whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead and relaxing when she looked into his eyes again. Shaking his head to re-emphasize his point. “No.”

“I’m sorry,” she said in a choked voice. “I shouldn’t just keep assuming that you want to be with me-”

Cutting her off with a passionate kiss, Spike let his lips claim hers, not wanting to hear anymore of the doubts that Parker had put into her mind. Breaking away breathlessly after a moment, he shook his head.

“I want to be with you,” he murmured against her lips, rolling them so he could have a little more control. “God, do I want to be with you, but we need to wait until this is right.”

“When is that?”

“When it’s what we both want,” he replied. “And not because it’s what you think I need from you.”




Chapter 20 – Painful Reminders


Letting the sun wash over her face as she walked out of the building, Buffy breathed a sigh of relief. She had just turned in her last paper that she had to make up from missing class and she relished the fact that she had no more deadlines to look forward to for awhile. Looking around the open area, she let a disappointed look cross her features when she didn’t see Spike. He had told her that he would try to meet her, but she knew his Psych exam was probably going to take a little bit longer.

Beginning her walk back to the frat house, Buffy shifted her bag from one shoulder to the other, trying not to wince as the weight of the backpack cut into her shoulder. It had been a few weeks since the attack with no mention of Parker and even though the cuts and bruises had faded, but no matter how much she healed, the results were still there, lying just beneath the surface.

The swelling and the worst of the bruising were gone, leaving her feeling a little more refreshed but she still felt broken.

She still felt so…vulnerable.

Even as the thought crossed her mind, Buffy barely had time to register what was happening as her shoulder was practically jerked out of its socket. Gasping as she was blindly pulled into the shadows of two of the college buildings, her eyes widened in terror when she looked into her ex-boyfriend’s crazed eyes.

Too scared to scream, she vaguely realized she wouldn’t be able to, even if she wanted to. Her breath was caught in her throat, trapping any other sound that might have escaped.

“You thought you would get away?” he hissed, his hand wrapped around her neck, holding her in place, letting the brick wall press against her back, biting into it.

Buffy closed her eyes, willing this to be a dream, even as her hands reached up, trying to claw at his hand and force him to release her.

“Did you think you could just shack up with him and get away with it?” Parker continued, letting his lips come within mere centimeters of her own. “I warned you, baby,” he said in a menacing whisper. “I could snap your neck right here. Leave you for someone else to stumble across, but I’m not going to…I think it would be more fun if I kill your new boy-toy first.”

Hearing the whimper that escaped from the woman he was sure he was in love with, Parker loosened his hold, just enough for her to take in some air.

“Have you missed me, baby?” he whispered, holding her body in place with his own as his other hand reached up to squeeze her breast, gently at first before increasing the pressure, causing a sob to escape her lips as she tried to get away from him.

“Don’t,” she whispered, her voice laced with pain as she tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over.

“Come on,” he said in a rough voice, stepping back and holding her upper arm in a punishing grip as he began to pull her along. “We’re going to have some fun.”

A strangled sound ripped from her throat as she struggled against him, fighting against the panic that was trying to make itself known.

“No,” she said, gritting her teeth and desperately trying to pull away from him as she fought the tears in her eyes.

“Buffy?”

Turning around at the sound of the familiar voice, Buffy saw Spike and Angel walking toward her, each with a confused expression on their faces until they got a good look at who was holding her.

Spike never realized that he could actually see red if provoked, but the sight of Buffy being dragged against her will by her abusive ex-boyfriend was enough to have him looking for blood.

Closing the distance between them, Parker barely had a chance to blink as Spike’s fist slammed into his jaw.

Attacking him with renewed force, he never let Parker get in a hit as he continued to pummel the other man. Vaguely realizing that someone was attempting to pull him away, Spike whirled around, prepared to lash out at whoever was behind him. Seeing Angel’s face, his brows knit together before Angel’s gaze directed him toward Buffy.

Spike’s eyes widened as he watched her backing away, visibly trembling as she turned and pushed her way through the crowd that was forming to watch the fight.

“Buffy,” he whispered. Running after her and easily catching up to her, Spike wrapped his arm around her waist, redirecting her movements until she was firmly pulled against his chest. His other hand immediately cupped the back of her head, holding her to him in a desperate attempt to calm her.

“It’s alright, sweetheart,” he murmured, closing his eyes as he tried to soothe her, holding his tears back as she continued shaking. “He’s not going to hurt you.”

“And what about you?” she asked, her voice quavering as she tried to pull away from him.

“What?” he asked in disbelief, unable to let her go, leading her away from the crowd.

“Y-you were…uncontrollable,” she whispered, fighting the tears in her eyes. “Just like him.”

Gritting his teeth at the mention of him being anything like Parker, Spike closed his eyes for a moment, understanding what she was saying.

“But I’d never hurt you, pet,” he murmured, pulling back to cup her face in his hands.

Finally raising her watery eyes to his, Buffy breathed a sigh of relief, letting go of the tension she was holding onto. “I know,” she whispered. “I just…it all happened so fast and it…I guess it was just too much for me.”

“I know,” Spike replied in a soothing voice, reluctantly pulling away when he heard the commotion behind him. Turning around and protectively keeping Buffy behind him, he glared as Parker tried to break free of the hold Angel had on him.

He could feel Buffy flinch when the other man called her name. Preparing to step forward, Spike stopped when he felt her grab his arm in a gentle hold, keeping him in place. “Don’t,” she whispered in his ear, restraining him from moving any farther.

“Why…”

Spike trailed off as Buffy walked toward Parker. Seeing Angel take a firm grip on the smaller man’s arms, Spike took a step forward in case Parker decided to try something stupid.

“I knew you’d come to your senses,” Parker said with a smile, still struggling to get free.

“Yes,” Buffy said with more conviction than she’d felt in years. “I have.”

Before anyone could react, the small blonde pulled her leg back- kicking him as hard as she could in the groin, smiling at the scream of pain that erupted from Parker as all of the men standing around involuntarily winced.

Grateful that she had Spike behind her for support and Angel holding Parker back, Buffy felt more brazen as she took another step toward him. “I have come to my senses,” she said in a low voice. “And since you obviously don’t understand the word ‘no’, I’m going to say this in a way that even you can understand…fuck off.”

Watching in admiration and shock as Buffy slammed her fist into Parker’s nose, Spike smiled when Angel dropped him to the ground, leaving the pathetic excuse for a man to whimper as one hand clutched his nose and the other grabbed his injured groin. Stepping behind her, Spike eagerly wrapped his arms around Buffy, never feeling happier than that moment.

Taking her injured hand in his, Spike tenderly kissed the soon-to-be bruised knuckles. “Ready to go home?” he asked softly.

“Yeah,” she murmured, allowing herself to be led away from the scene when she heard Parker’s voice call out to her.

Slowly turning around, she leveled him with a glare so full of contempt she saw him shudder.

“This isn’t over,” he growled.

“Maybe not,” Buffy replied with a disinterested shrug. “But we are.”




 

Chapter 21 – Trust is Enough


“Who are you talking to?” Buffy asked, toweling off her wet hair as she walked into the bedroom, seeing Spike hang up the phone.

“No one,” he said quickly, trying to avoid her eyes and at the same time, keep his eyes off the exposed skin that was barely covered by the terrycloth wrapped around her body.

“Oh,” she said softly, biting her lip as a wave of insecurity seemed to wash over her. “Okay,” she murmured, grabbing her clothes before turning back toward the bathroom.

“What’s wrong, pet?”

“Nothing,” she replied, her voice a little too enthusiastic for Spike’s comfort level.

“Buffy.” Spike tilted his head to study her rigid posture before continuing, “Talk to me.”

Tossing the clothes on the bathroom counter, Buffy slowly turned to face him, clutching at the towel with one hand as the other tugged at the bottom of it, wanting more coverage as she took a deep breath. “I’m better now,” she said softly, slowly raising her eyes to his and seeing the confusion in them. “I know my being here has probably been a huge inconvenience, so I can leave whenever you need me to.”

“Where did this come from?” Spike asked, standing up to walk over to her and trying to smother the panic that was rising up in him.

“Spike, I’m intruding on your life,” she said, trying to force a smile on her face as she gestured around the room. “I mean, look at you. You can’t even make a phone call in privacy without worrying about me overhearing something.”

“Is that what this is about?” he asked, coming to stand in front of her. “The phone call?”

“It’s about everything,” she murmured, trying to make him understand where she was coming from. “I just think it’s time I give you some space.”

“Don’t want space, pet. I want you.”

“I want you, too,” she whispered, feeling more confident when his hands came up to rest on her bare shoulders, pulling her against his chest. As desire seemed to race through her, Buffy nearly jumped back, shocked at the unusual feeling. Looking into his eyes, she let a purely feminine smile play on her face.

Abandoning her hold on the towel, she could see Spike’s eyes darken with lust when it slipped down, exposing another inch to his gaze. Letting her hands trail along his chest, traveling lower until she was pulling at his shirt, his hands slowly came up to cover hers.

“Buffy, we don’t have to do this,” he said softly, shocked that he had the willpower to even say the words as she stepped back and let the towel fall to the floor.

“I know,” she said with a soft smile, closing the distance between them once again. “But what if I want to do this?”

“I-I don’t want you to think…”

He trailed off, suddenly feeling nervous, closing his eyes when one of her hands briefly ran along his cheek in a soothing motion, slowly relaxing beneath her touch.

“I trust you, William,” she whispered, pulling his shirt over his head. “I trust you,” she repeated, knowing that he needed the reassurance.

Gently pushing him toward the bed, Buffy could feel his eyes on her as he sat down, pulling her with him to straddle his lap. Biting her bottom lip as she ran her hands over his exposed muscles, she felt her breath catch in her throat when his hands gently brushed along the expanse of her back, immediately relaxing her. She’d never felt anything like this with Parker. His sexual motto was always want, take, have, but Spike was different. He didn’t shove her down on the bed and touch her anywhere he pleased. He gave her what she needed, allowing her to set the pace.

Pushing herself up to her knees, Buffy maintained eye contact with Spike as she reached for his belt, slowly divesting him of the last remainder between them until they were both naked. Giggling when Spike grabbed her butt and lifted her, moving back on the bed, she could see the relief on his face as she relaxed beneath his touch.

Their lips met in a tender kiss, causing Buffy to practically melt into his touch as his tongue gently caressed hers. Letting their lips brush together until they were each completely relaxed, Buffy moved to change their positions, unused to being in such a controlling position.

“Don’t,” Spike murmured, gently biting her neck and smiling when she gasped as his hand gently palmed her breast.

“But don’t you want…”

Trailing off when her breath caught in her throat as Spike gently rolled one of her nipples, she watched as he slowly pulled back to look at her.

“If you want to move, I don’t mind, pet, but I want you to have all the control you want.”

Smiling at the thoughtful gesture, Buffy brushed her lips against his in a tender caress before pulling back to look into his eyes. “I love you,” she whispered.

The shock in his eyes nearly had her giggling as a smile slowly crossed his face. “I love you, too,” he said softly, his voice shaking with emotion. Buffy noticed the trembling in his body and gave him a gentle smile as she ran a soothing hand along his cheek, slipping her other hand between their bodies and positioning him at her entrance.

“W-we don’t have to-”

“Shh,” Buffy whispered, placing a finger over his lips. “I know we don’t…but I’m ready. Are you?”

“God, yes,” Spike murmured, closing his eyes as his lips met hers in a frantic kiss.

Not giving him time to think or react, she thrust her hips against his with a sharp intake of breath. Seeing the look of awe and wonder on his face, Buffy smiled, relaxing against the feel of his body. Neither moved as she adjusted to him, feeling her inner muscles reflexively tighten around him, unused to the new feeling of making love for the first time.

Moving together with a slow pace, Spike pressed his forehead to Buffy’s shoulder, trying not to lose control as they rocked together, his hands loosely holding her back. “I’ve wanted you for so long,” he whispered in a choked voice, feeling her hand tenderly stroking the back of his neck as she met each of his thrusts.

Pulling back after a few minutes, Spike crushed his lips to hers in a desperate kiss, needing to make sure that this was real, that the woman he loved was really here with him and it wasn’t some elaborate dream.

Feeling her inner muscles clamp around him, Spike saw the shock and surprise drift over her face. “Let it go, baby,” he murmured, realizing that she’d never felt this before. Speeding up her thrusts, Buffy let her head fall to his shoulder, gently biting down on his skin, letting it muffle her scream of pleasure. Spike quickly followed her over the edge, seeing her sit up as she continued to move above him, claiming her lips in a desperate kiss. Letting their tongues stroke together for a moment before breaking away for air, Spike pressed his forehead against hers. “I love you so much,” he whispered, smiling as she collapsed on him.

“That was amazing,” she said breathlessly.

“I’ll second that,” he said with a grin, kissing the top of her head as he tried to catch his breath. Enjoying the simple feel of laying together, still intimately joined, Spike let his hands run through her hair. “It was a private investigator,” he said after a moment, earning a look of confusion from Buffy.

“What was?”

“That’s who I was talking to,” Spike continued, brushing the hair off her forehead as she turned to prop her chin on his chest. “I called him about a week ago to see if he could come up with anything on Abrams for the trial.”

“And?” Buffy asked in a shaky voice, holding onto him with a forceful grip as she waited.

“He wants to meet with me and discuss it.”

“I want to go,” she said, sitting up a little bit as she looked into his eyes.

“You sure?”

“Yes,” she replied with conviction in her voice.

“Alright, sweetheart,” he murmured, brushing a kiss to her forehead.


 

Chapter 22 – Needing to Know…


Walking toward the outdoor café, Spike kept his arm firmly wrapped around Buffy’s waist as he scanned the area. Offering a brief nod to the middle-aged man sitting at one of the tables, Spike led her toward him.

“William,” the man greeted, standing up with a warm smile directed at Buffy as he shook Spike’s hand. “And you must be Miss Summers,” he continued in a warm British accent.

“Buffy,” she replied, accepting his outstretched hand and blushing when he kissed the top of it before releasing her.

“Buffy, this is Rupert Giles,” Spike said, holding out a chair and waiting for her to sit down. “He’s a family friend.”

“And you found something on Parker, Mr. Giles?” she asked, looking at him with a nervous expression.

“Call me Giles. And yes…I found something.”

“What is it?” Spike asked, sitting across from the older man, never breaking contact with Buffy.

“It seems that Buffy wasn’t the only woman who has been subjected to Mr. Abrams’ darker side.”

“There were others,” she said softly, already feeling sympathy for the women who had been at Parker’s mercy.

“One,” Giles said quietly. “A young woman named Darla Mason.”

“How did she get away from him?”

Giles sat back in his chair, taking off his glasses and slowly cleaning them with a soft cloth as he avoided the question, briefly looking up and meeting Spike’s eyes.

“She didn’t,” Spike said in a quiet tone, reading into the other man’s body language and understanding what he was reluctant to say.

“She…but she had to,” Buffy insisted. “I was with him long enough…I-I know what he’s like and how protective he is over his ‘possessions’, so there’s no way that he would let another woman out of his sight.”

“Buffy,” Spike said in a soft voice, gently touching her arm without taking his eyes off Giles.

Seeing the look that the two men were exchanging, Buffy felt her chin quivering as she closed her eyes. “She didn’t get away…did she?”

“No,” Giles replied in a quiet tone, sitting up a little straighter in his chair. “The official word is that her death was ruled as an accident.”

“He killed her,” Buffy whispered, looking at the table as she tried to wrap her mind around the fact that it could have been her.

“Everything that I’ve seen points to a definitive ‘yes’.”

“How?”

“Officially, it was a car accident,” he said, flipping through the notes that were in front of him. “Blunt trauma to the head, several bruises and lacerations.”

“So he killed her and purposely got into a car wreck to make it look like it was an accident?” Spike asked.

“Apparently,” Giles replied, looking back and forth between the couple.

Spike glanced over at Buffy, noticing her pale face as she fought the tears that were building in her eyes. “You okay?” he whispered, pulling her closer to him.

“Yeah,” she murmured, blinking back the tears. “And the case is closed now?” she asked, unable to look at the men as her emotions raged beneath the surface.

“Yes,” Giles said in a gentle voice, sympathizing with the young woman.

Spike sighed. “So he wasn’t convicted of anything, and if he’s convicted of the charges this time, he’s going to be out in a few months to start the cycle all over again.”

“No, he’s not,” Buffy said in a firm voice, turning to look at Spike.

“Not much you can do, pet,” he said, brushing the hair off her shoulder as he looked at her, sympathizing with what she must be going through.

“I’m not letting him hurt anyone else,” she said in a strong voice. “He’s not going to start this again with someone else.”

“There’s nothing you can do, Buffy.”

“I can get a confession,” she replied, turning toward Spike and seeing the shock on his face before the realization set in.

“No,” he growled, shaking his head before Buffy could continue.

“It’s the only way, Spike. He talks to me.”

“You go back to him and he’ll beat the shit out of you!” Spike replied, his voice rising as he became more frantic, seeing the determination in her eyes.

“And if I don’t, he’ll do it to someone else. Some other poor, unsuspecting girl who might not have someone to get her away from him. She might not be strong enough to get out on her own, and she’ll have to suffer because I was too scared to do something about it.”

“If I may make a suggestion,” Giles said, cutting off Spike before he could protest. “I have several contacts at the police department. Perhaps if we get a few officers to offer a certain amount of undercover protection, we could record this Abrams bloke and see if he really does open up to Buffy.”

“It’s too dangerous,” Spike said, shaking his head as he looked between Buffy and Giles.

“I’ll leave you two alone for a moment,” Giles said, getting up and walking away from the table.

“What if it’s in a public place?” Buffy asked, never taking her eyes off of Spike as she tried to make him understand that she had to do this. “What if you and Giles stay out of sight and listen to the conversation and we have Giles’ contacts somewhere close? You could be there, you could hear everything without being seen.”

“It’s too dangerous,” he whispered, turning toward Buffy and cupping her face in his hands. “I can’t risk something happening to you.”

“I can’t sit back and risk it, Spike,” she whispered, letting her hand run soothing circles along his leg. “What happens when he gets out of jail, if he even goes, and comes looking for you? Or me? What happens if he’s able to grab me and you aren’t close enough to help? Please understand,” she murmured, looking into his eyes. “Please. I have to do this…you know I do.”

Closing his eyes in submission, Spike sighed as he gritted his teeth. “If anything happens to you…”

“It won’t,” she insisted, running her hand along his cheek, causing him to look at her again.

Pulling her to him for a frantic kiss, Spike desperately held onto her, unwilling to let her go as their lips practically melted together.

Sitting back after a moment, he looked into her eyes, swallowing his fear as he nodded. “If Giles can get some officers there…”

“I’ll be fine,” she whispered, doing what she could to reassure him. “I promise.”

* * * * *

Biting her lip when Spike shut the door behind her, effectively closing them in his room, Buffy took a deep breath to calm her nerves. He hadn’t said a word on the way back to the house, and she was beginning to feel a little unnerved with him.

“Okay,” she finally said, spinning around to face him. “Give it to me.”

“What?” he asked in confusion.

“I’m ready. Lecture, yell, throw things. Whatever you want to do, just get it out of your system already.”

With a heavy sigh, Spike closed the distance between them, gently cupping her cheek in one hand and tenderly smoothing away the lines in her forehead with his thumb. “There’s nothing to get out of my system,” he said softly. “I just worry about you.”

“I understand that,” Buffy murmured. “But it’s time that I take care of myself. I can’t hide out here and expect you to protect me for the rest of my life.”

“But I would,” he whispered, looking into her eyes. “I’ll protect you as long as it takes.”

“I know,” she said with a gentle smile. “But I’m tired of being the victim. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t…”

Trailing off, Buffy looked down, taking a deep breath.

“What is it, luv?”

“You never knew me,” she whispered, looking up with a soft smile, tears filling her eyes as she watched a confused expression cross his face.

“What do you mean?” he asked in confusion.

“This isn’t me,” she continued, pulling away from him and pacing the room. “I’m not some scared, helpless little girl. I’m stronger than that. I forgot that I was, but…but I’m remembering…who I was…who I am. I don’t need protection, Spike.”

Finally turning back to him, she could see the fear in his eyes before he spoke. “And what about me?” he asked, taking a hesitant step toward her. “Do you need me?”

“More than anything,” Buffy whispered, wrapping her arms around his waist and eagerly stepping into his embrace. “I just don’t need you to protect me. Not anymore. And I need to know that you don’t want someone to protect. I need to know that you want me and not a victim.”

Spike breathed a sigh of relief, letting his lips brush across the top of her head. “I love you. You,” he reiterated, needing to make her understand and smiling when he felt her relax.

“I love you, too.”

* * * * *

“You sure you’re ready for this?” Spike asked, holding her hand tightly in his.

Closing her eyes for a moment to get her emotions under control, Buffy nodded. “Yeah…I’m ready.”

Picking up her cell phone, Buffy stared at it for a moment, feeling her mouth go dry at the thought of the call she was about to make.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be here,” she said softly, unable to meet Spike’s gaze when she felt his eyes practically burning through her.

“Why’s that, pet?” he asked with a slight edge to his voice.

Turning to face him, Buffy tightened her mouth before speaking. “Because I can’t very well pretend that I want to get back together with my abusive ex-boyfriend if the man I love is sitting in the same room. It’s for believability, Spike. What did you expect? That I really want to go back to him?”

“Course not,” he muttered, looking at the floor. “I just thought you’d want some support.”

Walking toward the bed, Buffy smiled as she looked down at Spike before straddling his waist and wrapping her arms around his neck. “I do,” she whispered, gently leaving a kiss on his forehead before pulling back to look at him. “But I know I have your support, and I think this is something that I should do by myself.”

“Can I listen outside the door?” he asked with a smile, tilting his head to look at her.

“As if you wouldn’t have, anyway,” she said with a giggle. “I just know I can’t pretend to even want to go back to him…”

“I know,” Spike whispered, gently putting pressure on the back of her neck until her lips met his in a gentle kiss. Buffy gasped when his tongue slowly traced along her bottom lip, begging entrance that she was all too willing to give. Massaging her tongue with his, Buffy clutched at his shoulders, feeling lightheaded as he pulled away to leave another tender kiss on her forehead.

Giggling when he stood up with her in his arms, Buffy squealed when she found herself flat on her back, lying on the bed. “Spike, what are you-”

Cutting herself off when he immediately jumped on her and began tickling her ribs, Buffy screamed as she wiggled beneath him, doing what she could to get away as her laughter took over.

“Uncle!” she cried after a moment, laughing so hard her stomach was hurting as she tried to move away from his hands.

“Not the right answer, luv,” Spike replied with a devilish grin.

“What’s the right answer?” she asked breathlessly, squirming to get away.

“I think you know.”

Hooking her hands behind his neck, Buffy eagerly pulled him down to her, claiming his lips and effectively putting an end to his tickling as he pulled away to catch his breath. “That better?” she asked with a soft smile.

“You know it, baby,” he said with a seductive smirk.

“Alright,” she muttered, struggling to sit up as she pushed on his chest. “I need to get this over with.”

Spike sighed, standing up and pulling her with him. “I’ll be right outside,” he said, closing his eyes when she wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Thank you for being here,” she murmured, her voice muffled against his chest.

Tightening his hold on the woman he loved, Spike pressed another kiss to the top of her head. “I’ll always be here.”

Pulling away and offering him a smile, Buffy let her hand gently caress his cheek. “I know.”

Watching as he turned and walked out the door, she suddenly felt a distinct loneliness settle in as she turned back to look at the cell phone.

“You have to do this,” she muttered, closing her eyes to gather her strength. “You have to.”

With a shuddering breath, Buffy dialed the number that was etched in her mind, feeling her hands trembling as she put the phone to her ear.

“Hello?”

“Parker,” she greeted, trying to keep her tone warm and unassuming.

“Buffy?”

“Yeah,” she said softly. “It’s me.”

“Why are you calling?”

Buffy could almost hear him cracking his knuckles as she rolled her shoulders, trying to soothe away the tension.

“Maybe you’re right,” she said, easily keeping the right amount of apprehension in her voice. “Maybe I do belong with you.”

“He broke up with you, didn’t he?” Parker asked in a smug voice.

Glancing at the door and gathering strength from the man who actually loved her, Buffy closed her eyes. “Yeah,” she muttered. “He said that I couldn’t forget about you and that it was obvious I still wanted to be with you.”

“I knew it,” he said, the smile evident in his tone.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy closed her eyes before continuing, “Can we meet? Just to talk. Maybe work things out?”

“I seem to remember you pressing charges against me,” Parker replied. “Not to mention telling me it was over…among other things.”

“I was angry. I just…want to see you,” she said, trying to keep the strain out of her voice.

“Alright, come over tonight. My place.”

“Um…I can’t tonight. I, uh, I have a lot of homework to catch up on. What about tomorrow afternoon…in the park?”

Holding her breath as she waited for an answer, Buffy nearly breathed a heavy sigh of relief when she heard him agree.

“Tomorrow at two,” Parker said. “Don’t be late.”

Hanging up the phone, Buffy fell back on the bed, feeling exhausted after the short conversation. Hearing the door open, she relaxed, immediately soothed by Spike’s presence as he sat down on the bed and pulled her into his arms.

“You can do this, Goldilocks.”

“I know,” she murmured, clinging to him and closing her eyes. “But that doesn’t make it any easier to get through it.”




 

Chapter 23 – Brand New Girl


“Are you sure you feel up to this?” Giles asked, studying Buffy as she nervously tugged on the oversized shirt she was wearing, hiding the microphone that was taped to her stomach.

“Yeah,” she whispered. “I’ll just feel better when this is all over.”

“I understand,” he replied with a warm smile before leading her over to two men, dressed in khakis and button-down shirts. “Buffy Summers, this is Wesley Wyndham-Pryce and Robin Wood. They will make sure to keep you in their sights while you’re talking to Abrams.”

“Miss Summers,” one of the men greeted with a nod. “Call me Wes.”

“And I’m Robin,” the other man said with a friendly smile, shaking her hand.

“Now, Miss Summers-”

“Buffy,” she interrupted. “Call me Buffy.”

“Very well, Buffy,” Wes said with a smile. “You know what to do?”

Taking a deep breath, she tried to calm herself as she looked between the two officers before nodding. “Yeah…I got it.”

“Good,” he said, checking his watch. “Mr. Giles and Mr. Atherton will be in a car parked over there,” he continued, gesturing to the SUV with heavily tinted windows. “Robin and I will be following you at an unobtrusive distance, but we shall remain close enough to intervene, if necessary.”

“Alright,” she said with a nod, feeling Spike’s arms wrap around her waist.

“I’m off, luv. Want to get out of the way before the wanker shows up.”

“Okay,” Buffy whispered, biting her lip and nervously wringing her hands together as she nodded, relaxing when Spike’s lips caressed hers.

“I’ll be here for everything,” he promised. “If he even tries to lay a hand on you, I’ll be here.”

* * * * *

“You’re early,” Parker said, walking toward her and openly eyeing her up and down.

“So are you,” she replied with a tentative smile.

“You wanted to talk?” he continued, closing the distance between them, nearly causing Buffy to shudder at his close proximity.

“Y-yeah…I do.”

“I want the charges dropped, Buffy,” he said in a low voice. “Now.”

“It wasn’t my idea,” she replied, going over the planned conversation in her head. “The police, they talked me into it, and I was hurt and…and angry. I know you would never intentionally hurt me, Parker,” she choked out, making it sound surprisingly believable.

“That’s right, baby,” he murmured, running his hand along her cheek, never noticing or caring when Buffy flinched away from his touch.

Pulling back when he dipped his head for a kiss, she took a calming breath. Seeing Robin sitting on a bench over Parker’s shoulder and pretending to read a newspaper, she reminded herself that she wasn’t alone in this. “There’s something that I need you to do for me, Parker. Before we get back together.”

“What’s that?” he asked, slightly put off that she had backed away before he could kiss her.

“I want to know about you. I know some things, but I need to know about your past.”

“My life’s an open book, Buff. You know that.”

“Who was before me?” she asked, restraining the urge to run away from him. “Who did you love before me?”

“This is important to you?” he asked, tilting his head to study her through narrowed eyes.

“It is.”

“Her name was Darla,” Parker started with a heavy sigh. “I knew her in high school. Pretty, little blonde cheerleader. Resembled you actually.”

Buffy shivered at the comparison. Obviously Parker was trying to recapture what he had with her…or recapture the thrill he had when he beat her.

“What happened to her?” she asked, her eyes widening when his gaze snapped to hers. “I-I just mean…if you loved her, why aren’t you with her?”

“She was in an accident,” he said vaguely.

“Like the accident with me?” Buffy asked, knowing that if he related it to her, she might get more information out of him.

“I never meant to hurt you, Buffy.”

“I know,” she said through gritted teeth, keeping her calm exterior firmly in place. “What happened to her, Parker?”

Gently taking his hand in hers, Buffy’s skin crawled at his touch, but she needed him relaxed.

“She didn’t listen to me.”

“Like me?”

“Sort of,” Parker said with a shrug. “You know what happened to her wouldn’t happen to you, right?”

“I know,” she said with a reassuringly fake smile. “What happened to her, Parker?”

“We got into a fight…I don’t remember much after that.”

“Did you kill her?”

Buffy nearly shrank back when his eyes narrowed on hers, her own eyes widening when he grabbed her arms in a firm grim, jerking her closer to him. She was sure if she listened hard enough, she would be able to hear Giles restraining Spike from jumping out of the SUV.

“Why are you asking this?” Parker growled, shaking her once for good measure.

“Because we need a clean slate,” Buffy said softly, surprising herself with the calm edge to her voice. “We need to start fresh, and if we’re going to do that, I need to know everything about you…even the bad things. Please tell me the truth.”

Loosening his hold slightly, Parker studied Buffy for a long moment before nodding. “I lost my temper…the argument escalated and I hit her.”

“Did you know it would kill her?”

“It was an iron lamp…I had an idea,” he said with no remorse in his voice.

Buffy shuddered at the cold tone and the murderous glint in his eyes. Feeling rage flood through her for this poor girl who hadn’t been able to get away and the fact that it could have been her, she ignored the fact that Parker still had her by the shoulders.

“So, you’re just openly admitting to being a murderer? To killing this woman in cold blood, is that it?” she asked, not expecting a reaction.

“Yeah. What about it?” Parker countered, narrowing his eyes on her as he tightened his hold, obviously fed up with her insolence.

“Get your hands off me,” Buffy said through clenched teeth.

“You like my hands on you,” he replied with a smile.

“I never liked anything of yours on me. Now get the hell away.”

Before Parker could comprehend what was happening, Wesley and Robin had him in handcuffs, reading him his rights as he looked at Buffy in shock.

“You set this up?” he asked in disbelief. “This couldn’t have been your idea. The girl I know never could have pulled this off.”

“Good thing I’m not the girl you know, then,” she said with a raised eyebrow, leaning into Spike when she felt his arms wrap around her waist.

“You alright, baby?” he murmured into her ear.

“Fine,” she replied, seeing the shock on Parker’s face turn to contempt as his eyes narrowed on hers. Buffy let a smile play on her lips.

“You arranged this? You played me?” he asked in a low voice that used to fill her with terror before she met Spike.

“And the Oscar goes to…”

“You bitch!”

Buffy’s eyes widened when Spike’s fist slammed into Parker’s nose as the officers subtly looked the other way, before he leaned in close to the other man’s ear.

“You honestly thought I would give her up?” Spike asked in a menacing whisper, so low that even Parker struggled to hear him. “Beating her into submission to keep her with you? And you couldn’t even hold onto her that way. How does it feel, Abrams? How does it feel to know that the woman you supposedly love never even had an orgasm before I came along?”

“Shut…up,” Parker growled.

“You think about that when you’re sharing your jail cell with someone who wants to make you the bitch.”

Stepping away, Spike watched with smug satisfaction as Parker was dragged away before turning to Buffy.

“Let’s go home, baby,” he whispered, gently kissing her lips.

Sighing in contentment as she leaned heavily against him, Buffy nodded. “That’s the best idea I’ve heard in a while.”



 

Chapter 24 – Ever After…


6 Months Later


“How did it go?” Angel asked as Buffy and Spike walked into the house.

“Guilty on all counts,” Spike said with a smile, pulling Buffy closer to him and nuzzling her neck. “Thanks to the star witness, here.”

“So Abrams gets to go on an extended vacation to the pen?” Faith asked, cuddling up to her boyfriend.

“That’s basically it,” Buffy said softly before turning to Spike. “I’m going to go upstairs.”

Watching her walk up the stairs, he sighed before turning to his friends. “I better go check on her. It’s been a long day.”

“Probably a good idea,” Angel replied sympathetically.

Loosening his tie as he made his way to the second floor, Spike cracked his neck, trying to soothe the tension from his body. He knew that whatever he was feeling, Buffy’s emotions were multiplied.

Opening the door to his room, Spike walked toward his bedroom, seeing her sitting on the edge of their bed, staring blankly at the wall. “Penny for your thoughts, pet.”

“Is it bad that I feel bad?” she asked, never raising her eyes to his.

“About what?” he asked, sitting down next to her and taking her hand in his.

“I know it’s what he deserves. I know that after what he did to his other girlfriend, it’s for the best that he can’t hurt anyone again, but…”

“You wish it could have been different,” Spike stated in a quiet tone, gently brushing the hair off her shoulders as Buffy nodded.

“A man just lost his entire future because he needs help.”

“And maybe he’ll get that now,” he said softly. “This is the best thing that could have happened, Buffy. You know that.”

“I know,” she whispered, finally turning her watery eyes to Spike. “I just wish I could have done something before everything got so out of hand.”

“I know, baby,” he murmured, gently cupping her cheek and running his thumb along her skin, relaxing when she leaned into his touch. “But it still wouldn’t have changed the fact that he killed a woman. I know you wish you could have helped him, and it’s only normal. It’s because you’re human. Because you’re a remarkable woman. There was nothing you could have done, Buffy.”

“It could have been me, Spike,” she whispered, shivering at the thought and letting him pull her close. “By all accounts, it should have been me.”

“But it wasn’t,” he said, reassuring her as his hand ran along her back in smooth circles.

“Because of you,” she murmured, looking up at him. “You got me away…kept me safe.”

“You got yourself out of it,” he said in a soft whisper, brushing his lips across hers. “I just gave you a place to stay.”

“You gave me more than that, Spike,” she said, looking up at him with wide eyes. “You gave me the strength to go on, when I thought I couldn’t.”

“And I’d do it again in a heartbeat,” he said with a gentle smile. “I love you, Goldilocks.”

“Show me,” she said softly, pushing the coat off his shoulders and slowly working on the buttons of his shirt.

Not one to question a request from the woman he loved, Spike eagerly stood up, pulling her with him and crushing his lips to hers while unzipping her dress. Feeling the fabric fall away from her body to pool on the floor, his hands ran along her silky skin.

Breaking away from her lips to kiss down the column of her throat, Spike suppressed a groan of desire when he felt her hands move to his belt, unbuckling and removing it with painful slowness.

“Need you,” he whispered against her lips, kicking off the rest of his clothes as he gently pushed her down on the bed, removing her panties with effortless ease, acquired after months of practice.

“Need you, too,” she murmured, eagerly locking her hands behind his neck and dragging him toward her, arching her body beneath his as she craved his touch.

Gasping when he thrust into her, Buffy clutched at his shoulders, feeling the sense of completion that only came when he was inside of her. Rocking his hips against hers, Spike pulled back to watch the play of emotions that crossed her face.

Meeting his gaze, Buffy tried to control the tremors that were racing through her, crying out as her body arched against his.

Gently brushing the hair out of her eyes, Spike tenderly kissed her forehead, speeding up his thrusts as he held onto her. The steady rhythm of their movements was slowly building a fire inside both of them, causing their bodies to tense as they became more frantic.

Meeting her lips in a soft kiss, Spike pulled back to look into her eyes. “I love you, Buffy,” he whispered.

“I know,” she replied with a gasp as he filled her again. “I love you, too.”

Seeing the tears in her eyes, his head tilted as he studied her for a moment. “You okay?” he asked, his voice laced with concern as his movements slowed down.

Pulling him more forcefully toward her, Buffy nodded. “Fine,” she said with a smile, arching her hips against his, encouraging him to speed up his thrusts.

After a few minutes, Spike could feel her body trembling, seeking her release. Reaching around her back, he pulled her more forcefully to him, plunging into her more powerfully. Gritting his teeth as her inner muscles clenched around him, he let his head fall to her shoulder, spilling himself inside of her welcoming body as she bit down on his shoulder, keeping her screams of pleasure muffled against his skin.

Feeling the tension practically roll out of him as he collapsed, Spike rolled to the side, pulling Buffy with him and trying to catch his breath as she lay on his chest.

“Never figured you for a biter, luv,” he said with a smile, lazily running his hand along her back.

“What can I say?” she replied with a giggle. “You’re mine.”

“Marking your territory?” Spike asked with a chuckle. Feeling her nod of agreement, a slow smile spread across his face. “Well, in that case…”

Buffy squealed when she suddenly found herself flipped over on the bed before Spike attacked her neck with playful nips. Finding the spot that he knew she loved, he let his teeth gently bite her skin before pulling away with a look of satisfaction. “Mine.”

“Yours,” she murmured, running her hand along his cheek with a soft smile. “And you’re mine.”

“Your everything?”

“My everything,” she whispered in agreement, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him closer to her. “My friend, lover, hero, and protector, all rolled up in one deliciously sexy package.”

“Is that right?” he asked with a smirk.

“Yeah, well…if I’m gonna have to look at you naked, it helps that you’re hot.”

Spike arched an eyebrow as Buffy giggled, letting her hands trail along his chest until he smiled.

“Don’t worry, honey,” she said with a sweet smile. “I’ll love you forever…even when you go bald.”

“Hey! Who says I’m going bald?”

“Oh, come on,” Buffy replied, trying to keep from laughing. “You can’t believe that you can use all that peroxide and not expect some bad side effects.”

Spike seemed to contemplate her for a moment before shrugging. “Well…as long as I still have you.”

“Don’t worry, Captain Peroxide,” she said with a smile, affectionately running her hand through his disheveled hair. “I’m here for the long haul.”

Closing her eyes as Spike pulled her closer to him, she breathed a sigh of relief when she heard his whispered reply.

“Me, too.”




~THE END~