Chapter 24 – Forgetting the Unforgettable

Chapter 24 – Forgetting the Unforgettable

Keeping an eye out for Angelus, Buffy idly admired the art that was displayed throughout the museum. Frustrated that she didn’t have an earpiece to hear what the other agents might have known about the situation, she raised her champagne glass to her lips. “No sign of him,” she murmured into the microscopic microphone in her bracelet. Taking a sip from her glass, she stared at the contemporary piece of art.

Turning around to view a different painting, Buffy froze when she saw Spike with a striking woman across the room.

“Oh my God,” she murmured, feeling sickened at the site of him laughing and talking with another woman.

Nearly trembling as she fought the tears in her eyes, Buffy turned and walked into a different room, searching for the restroom, hoping to hide and get her thoughts in order.

Remembering her original intention for being at the museum, she brought the glass up to her lips again. “The plan has been compromised. Abort for the night.”

Turning off the feed, she began searching the room for the nearest exit.

“Lookie lookie what I found.”

Tensing at the smug voice behind her that sent Buffy in a déjà vu tailspin, she slowly turned around, glaring at Spike.

“Fancy meeting you here, pet. On another undercover assignment?” he asked, looking around the room before motioning to his date to stay where she was.

“What are you doing here, Spike?” she asked, gripping her glass, trying to refrain from throwing her drink in his face.

“What does it look like?” he replied, gesturing around the building. “Looking at the priceless pieces of art that the good people of the museum are so happy to show us.”

Rolling her eyes at the sarcasm, Buffy slowly turned toward him, setting her glass down on a table as she offered him a blinding smile. “Well, it’s been so nice talking to you,” she said, the hostility practically dripping from her sweet tone of voice. “But if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll have more fun jumping under a bus.”

Turning to walk away, knowing that the plan would be blown to hell if Angelus saw her talking to Spike, she groaned when he fell into step beside her.

“Leave me alone, Spike. I’m not asking.”

“Oh, it’s an order, then, is it?” he replied, grabbing her elbow in a bruising hold, jerking her down a hallway and into a storage room.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she asked, pulling her arm out of his grasp.

“What are you doing here, Buffy?” he asked, his voice taking on a serious tone as he looked at her.

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“What are you doing here?” he repeated in a low voice.

“None of your business,” she replied, moving to walk around him. Eyes widening in indignation when he slammed his hands to the wall on either side of her, blocking her in, Buffy turned toward him, clenching her jaw in frustration. “Move,” she whispered, the sparks practically shooting from her eyes.

“Or what?”

“Do you really want to test that?” she asked softly, taking a deep breath to control her emotions.

“Maybe I do,” he murmured, looking her up and down.

Raising an eyebrow and giving a slight shrug, she easily threw a punch at his jaw, more to prove a point than to cause any damage as his head reeled to the side. Buffy swallowed, seeing the rage on his face when he turned toward her.

Knowing that she would never be able to beat him in a fair fight- and not having anything to use as a blunt weapon for an unfair fight- she decided to do the one thing she knew she could do to win.

“You wanna hit me?” she asked softly, seeing his eyes darken even more. “Do it.”

The words seemed to make the situation more real, causing Spike to pause in whatever retaliation he was considering.

“Come on, Spike,” she murmured, looking up at him with a gaze that once held so much hope for him. “You think I deserve it… hit me.”

Seeing him falter, her shoulders nearly sagged in relief seconds before he grabbed her arms, shoving her more forcefully into the wall. Wincing when the back of her head hit the flat surface, she looked up at him with a glare.

“I’m not asking again,” he growled. “What are you doing here?”

“None of your business,” she said, gritting her teeth to shove him out of the way. She gasped when he pinned her more forcefully to the wall, his entire body pressing against hers.

“Is it Angelus?” he asked, dropping the mask for a moment, showing his true concern for her.

“Spike, don’t ask me this,” she whispered, shaking her head to avoid looking at him.

“Stay away from him, Buffy,” he said in a warning tone. “It’s not worth getting yourself killed to try and catch him.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” she said, struggling against him, her eyes widening when she realized the effect that her movements had on him.

Closing her eyes to catch her breath for a moment, she was shocked to reopen them and see Spike’s worried gaze in front of her. “Is it the same operation you tried to pull on me?” he asked, tilting his head, closing off his emotions to her.

“Spike…”

“Tell me, Buffy.”

“I don’t know,” she cried, trembling against him as her overwrought emotions found an outlet. “I don’t know anymore…I don’t know what I’m doing or how everything just got so off-track. All I know is…”

She trailed off, looking into his eyes for a moment, seeing her mirrored emotions in his gaze and allowing herself to forget about everything one last time.

“…All I know is that I miss you so much,” she whispered, tears filling her eyes when he let go of her arms and took a step back, shocked at her words.

“Don’t do this,” he said, a hard edge in his voice. “Don’t try and play this game again- I’m not falling for it.”

Blinking back the tears as she took in a shaky breath, looking at the floor, Buffy nervously tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, silently composing herself.

“Right,” she said softly, nodding as she tried to calm herself down. “I forgot… You already got what you wanted, right?” Not giving him a chance to respond, she shook her head. “I have a job to do,” she whispered, walking toward the door, stopping when she felt his hand on her arm.

“Was that all I was?” he asked. “A job?”

Her stomach tightened as she looked up at him, seeing the need in his eyes. Not thinking about the consequences of her actions, she stepped closer to him, her hands pulling him down to her for a passionate kiss.

Stunned for a moment, Spike tried to fight every instinct he had, finally giving in as he lifted her into his arms. Pinning her against the wall for a second time, his hand moved up to her face, stroking the soft skin of her cheek while her hands threaded through his hair, holding him close to her. Feeling her tongue brush along his lip, he eagerly parted his lips, allowing her the access she obviously wanted.

Her body relaxed against his, letting everything fade into obscurity for a few moments. Moaning softly when Spike slowly separated from her, Buffy pressed her forehead to his, feeling his breath against her face as they both struggled for air.

“It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” she whispered, almost talking to herself. “I wasn’t supposed to find someone and then…”

Trailing off as she fought the tears in her eyes, Buffy’s chin trembled.

Pulling back slightly, Spike cupped her face in his hands, looking deep into her eyes. “What was real?” he asked, needing to know her answer.

Staring up at him for a moment, Buffy tried to figure out the answer to that question.

“I was happy,” she finally whispered, closing her eyes against her emotions. “You made me forget… everything,” she said softly, trembling when she realized what she’d just said and where she was. Looking around the room, she took a deep breath. “But we were too different.”

“And we’re exactly the same,” Spike countered, staring at her until she turned back to look at him. “That’s why we fit.”

“I need to go,” she murmured, trying to pull away from him, stopping when he held her tight.

“It is Angelus, isn’t it?”

Not bothering to answer, she looked up at him, her eyes pleading with him to understand.

“And are you going to let him help you ‘forget’?” he asked, a bitter note in his voice.

“Spike-”

“Answer me,” he said, clenching his jaw and gripping her arms.

“How can you even ask me that?” she whispered, finally managing to pull away from him. “Do you really think that what we had was for a job? That the other night was because I was getting information? It might have been what you were after, but for me… it was solace,” she said, letting a few tears slip free. “And if you think that I would…” Trailing off, she quickly walked toward the door, pausing long enough to turn around and look at him one last time. “You don’t know me at all.”

Chapter 25 – Dangerous Love

Buffy nearly rolled her eyes as she walked into the lobby of the hotel and saw Wesley nervously pacing back and forth.

“Very low-key, Wes,” she said, walking past him toward the bank of elevators. “Let everyone know that you’re here and you’re obviously nervous about something.”

“You deviated from the plan, Bu- Liz,” he said, slipping into the name they had created for her for the job.

“I had to,” she said, angrily pressing the button for one of the elevators, taking out her aggression on it. “The situation was compromised.”

Walking into the elevator when it opened, she watched as Wesley followed her and hurriedly pushed the ‘door close’ button.

“You are to run all decisions through me before coming to a decision like that.”

“Give me a break, Sir,” she replied, trying to put enough respect in her voice to appease him. “I’ve been an agent long enough to know when something is dangerous, and trust me, that was dangerous.”

“What happened?” he finally asked, hearing the distant ping of the elevator doors opening.

“Spike was there,” she muttered under her breath, knowing that Wesley had caught her soft-spoken words when his head nearly snapped around to look at her.

“What?”

Quickly unlocking the door to her room, Buffy opened it wide enough to allow Wesley to enter, gesturing with her head. “In.”

Following closely behind him, she shut the door and immediately began pacing the room, trying to ignore the looks that Wesley was giving her. “It was too dangerous, Wes,” she finally said.

“I can understand that if William Reed made an appearance, it would be… difficult, at best, but I don’t see how you couldn’t just-”

“It’s more than that,” she interrupted, running her hands through her hair as she continued to walk around the room. “If Angelus had seen us, it would have compromised everything and… I’ll get another shot, Wesley. I promise.”

“I hope so,” he said, standing up. “I’ll call Giles and inform him. You need to get some rest.”

Buffy turned to look unseeingly out the window. Her mind not focused on what she was seeing, she fought the tears in her eyes. “I will later.”

“Buffy-”

“I need to work off some tension,” she said, stretching her arms to prove her point. “I’ll be down in the gym, if you need me.”

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Hearing the distant sound of the door closing, Buffy took a deep breath, trying to control her chaotic emotions. Seeing Spike earlier that night had pushed her toward her breaking point. She hadn’t been prepared for him to appear out of nowhere. With a date.

Changing into a pair of shorts and a tank top, Buffy grabbed her key and pulled the door shut behind her when she left the room. Walking toward the elevator, she was about to walk to the door of the stairs when she heard the chime announcing the elevators arrival.

Briefly turning toward it, her eyes widened when she saw Angelus O’Neill and Marcus Hamilton lost in a discussion. Redirecting herself, she quickly walked toward the elevator, purposely running into Angelus.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Buffy said, her eyes wide as her hand covered her mouth in faux shock.

Looking at who had just bumped into him, Angelus paused for a moment before a smile played on his lips. “That’s alright,” he said in a smooth voice. “No hard feelings, Miss…?”

“Robertson,” Buffy filled in, giving him her mother’s maiden name. “Liz Robertson.”

Feeling her smile slip away when he took her hand in his and left a gentle kiss on it, Buffy tried to play it off as if she was flattered by his attention, instead of attempting to pull away for self-preservation.

Buffy could tell immediately that this would be a completely different experience than the one she had with Spike. He was obviously looking for someone he could control and not someone who would challenge him. There was a look in his eyes that made him more sinister, almost warning her to keep her distance.

And she was determined not to fall in love with him.

“Marcus Hamilton, Liz Robertson,” Angelus made the introductions, his eyes never leaving Buffy.

“Nice to meet you,” Hamilton said in a curt tone, obviously not caring if he met her or not. “Angel, we need to leave if we’re going to meet-”

“I think I’ll be missing that tonight,” he replied, interrupting the other man.

“Angel,” Hamilton continued in an irritated voice.

“Give them my regrets,” Angel said, looking at the taller man. “I’ll be escorting Miss Robertson wherever she needs to go.”

Buffy giggled, nearly cringing at how fake it sounded to her ears. Feeling his hand on the small of her back, she trained her body to quickly react to the touch, leaning toward him as he guided her into the elevator, ignoring Hamilton’s obvious annoyance that he had been brushed off so easily.

“Well, Miss Robertson,” Angel said with a voice that was obviously well-trained in the art of picking up women. “Where are we off to tonight?”

“A fun-filled night of going to the gym,” she said, playfully leaning against the wall of the elevator as she bit her lip.

“I think I’m a little overdressed,” he said, smirking at her. “But I wouldn’t mind watching you.”

Fighting every impulse that was telling her to kick him in the crotch, Buffy merely smiled, knowing that she would have to play this game very carefully.

* * * * *

“Did you see her?”

“Yeah,” Spike muttered, pulling at his necktie as he walked through the hotel room.

“And?”

“And… what?” he asked irritably, turning to face Ethan.

“Did you convince her?”

Gritting his teeth, Spike briefly looked up at the ceiling before his gaze traveled to the floor in frustration and ultimate acceptance as he sat down on the edge of the bed. “There was no way to convince her,” he finally said, ignoring the look of disbelief on Ethan’s face.

“Like hell there isn’t! She knows things, Spike. Things that I, myself, would have never let her get close enough to have access to. You have to do something permanent about the situation-”

“And what?” Spike asked, jumping up to face off with one of the few people he trusted. “What do you want me to do? Kill her? Threaten her?”

“Convince her.”

“She’s not going to help me with anything,” he growled. “She’s too good for that. We’re opposite in every way and-”

“And you’re exactly the same,” Ethan said, trying to make his employer see what he could see. “If she goes after Angelus and he convinces her-”

“If I couldn’t convince her, there’s no way he could,” Spike said, pressing his fingertips to the bridge of his nose as if he was trying to stop his migraine from spreading. “Give it up, old man. We’re not going to get her away from the Bureau, and there’s nothing else to it.”

“And you don’t care that she could be with Angelus right now?” Ethan asked, grasping at straws. “You don’t care that she could be sharing his bed-”

“Get out,” Spike said in a menacing voice, hating the visual that Ethan had put in his head.

“I’m just trying to put things in perspective for you, Spike.”

“Don’t need a perspective on anything, mate,” he said, walking toward the window. “I know what I’m doing.”

“I hope so,” Ethan replied, walking out of the room, leaving Spike alone with his thoughts.

Angrily cracking his neck when he heard the door shut, Spike stared at the view from the window, briefly wondering if what Ethan said could be true. Wondering if Buffy was really in Angelus’ bed by now.

“No,” he muttered, shaking his head to further convince himself. “She’s not that kind of…” Trailing off in a raspy whisper, Spike shut his eyes, pressing his forehead against the pane of glass as he took a deep breath. “She loves me.”

Chapter 26 – On Edge


Propping her head up on her hand, Buffy struggled to keep her eyes open as Angelus continued to drone on about himself.

Being in his presence for the past few weeks had Buffy ready to pull out her hair from listening to his repetitive stories. After their initial meeting, Angelus hadn’t hesitated to ask her out to dinner, believing her to be a young girl alone in the city who needed protecting. She didn’t bother to inform him that her life was very unsheltered, knowing that she would be able to get closer to him this way.

Buffy readily accepted the invitation to go to Los Angeles with him, but the easy acceptance also placed her in the tricky position of avoiding his bed.

“What do you think?”

Snapping out of the daze that she seemed to be in, Buffy cleared her throat and decided to stick with her standard answer. “That sounds great!” she said in an enthusiastically chipper voice.

“I knew you’d feel that way,” he said, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

Buffy had easily trained herself to react when he got within close proximity to her. It wasn’t the same type of relationship she’d had with Spike, where she could relax whenever he put his arms around her, but then, this wasn’t a relationship at all. She’d made sure to keep her distance with unsurprising ease. Angelus was nice to look at, but Buffy would never dream of crossing any invisible lines with him.

Her attention was drawn away from her comparison to Spike and back to him when his hand covered hers on the linen tablecloth. “Stay with me tonight,” he said.

Buffy looked into the deep brown eyes that seemed to give him a more soulful demeanor than he actually had. Hearing his soft words, she nearly closed her eyes as she remembered a different man saying the same thing to her not so long ago.

Stay with me… please.

“I can’t,” she said, putting a harder edge behind her voice than she originally intended. Offering him a smile when he pulled away with a wounded expression, Buffy took a deep breath. “Angel, you know how I feel about that.”

“It’s been weeks, Liz,” he said in a pleading voice that nearly had her rolling her eyes.

“I know,” she said, leaning back in her chair to put a little more distance between herself and the man in front of her. Taking a moment to look around the restaurant, she redirected her gaze back to Angelus. “And I don’t think this is the place to be having this discussion.”

Knowing that he was irritated with her, Buffy couldn’t bring herself to care as she stood up with him. Allowing him to lead her from the restaurant, Buffy slowly turned toward him before they could reach the limousine.

“Maybe I should go to a hotel tonight,” she said, widening her watery eyes and letting the smallest pout form on her lip, nearly smiling when she got the desired affect.

“I’m sorry,” Angelus said, not sounding apologetic at all. “I don’t mean to pressure you.”

“Maybe…if I got to know you a little better,” she said, biting her lip for a moment. “Like you said- we’ve been together for weeks and I still don’t feel like I know you.”

Brushing a kiss to her lips, Buffy tried to pass off her uncomfortable shiver as a more pleasurable reaction.

“I suppose that would be okay,” he said with an easy smile. “We’ll go out tomorrow night.”

“Great,” Buffy said in a cheerful tone.

* * * * *

Sipping a cup of tea, Rupert Giles idly read his newspaper as he sat in the quaint outdoor café, not bothering to pay attention to his surroundings.

“Well, well… fancy seeing you here, Ripper.”

Looking up at the sound of the accent, Giles half-expected to see Ethan Rayne standing in front of him. His eyes widened in surprise when he saw Spike Reed take a seat across from him, pulling his leather duster more firmly around him as he leaned back in the chair.

“What do you want, Reed?”

“Tsk tsk- manners, Ripper. Hasn’t anyone ever taught you the finer points of conversation?”

“I don’t think the finer points apply when I’m talking to a known thief.”

“Known?” Spike repeated in mock ignorance, leaning even further back into his chair. “If that was true, don’t you think I would be behind bars right now?”

“How about a known murderer?” Giles replied, throwing his newspaper down on the table. “Does that suit you more?”

“I’m not the one with the nickname ‘Ripper’,” Spike said, his tone hardening as he stared at the other man. “I find it hard to believe that your acquaintances know the origin of that particular name.”

“They know what they need to know. I never did anything illegal,” Giles said, glancing around the open area.

“Says you.”

“What do you want?”

“Where is she, Rupert?”

“Who?” Giles asked, raising his eyebrows and barely suppressing the smirk on his face.

“You know damn well who,” Spike growled, leaning closer to the older man. “Tell me.”

“Wherever she may or may not be, one thing is clear- she does not want to be associated with you.”

“She doesn’t know what she wants,” Spike said, nearly throwing his weight back against his chair in frustration. “You’ve trained her to be at your beck and call. To jump when you say how high.”

“I’ve trained her well,” Giles said in a low tone, narrowing his eyes on the blonde.

“What bothers you more, Rupert? That she forgot about doing her job when she was with me? Or the fact that she was screaming my name and not yours?”

Hearing the crashing of a chair falling to the floor, Spike didn’t bother to react as Giles grabbed the lapels of his jacket and threw him against a nearby column. Smirking at the older man, Spike raised an eyebrow as his gaze traveled from the white-knuckled hands that were holding him in place to the enraged eyes boring into his.

“Shut up, you pillock,” Giles said in a rasping whisper.

“Touched a nerve, did I?” he asked in amusement.

“That woman is like a daughter to me,” Giles said, ignoring the looks that the other members of the restaurant were giving him. “And you will not get near her again.”

“And you’d rather her be closer to Angelus?” Spike countered, narrowing his eyes.

Releasing his hold on the duster, Giles took a step away, taking a deep breath. “I would be happy if she would stay inside doing paperwork for the rest of her life… but that’s not Buffy. She needs to be out on an assignment. It’s who she is.”

“Then where is she?” Spike growled, rapidly losing patience.

“You think you’re so smart?” Giles said, narrowing his eyes slightly. “You find her.”

Staying where he was as Giles walked around him and onto the sidewalk, Spike clenched his jaw in frustration before spinning around to follow him. “Think about this, Rupert,” he said, catching up to the other man and matching his stride as they walked together as if they were old friends. “What happens when Angelus finds out who she is?”

Giles’ step faltered as his shoulders tensed. “What the bloody hell are you talking about?” he asked quietly.

“He’s not like me, Giles,” Spike said, stopping to look at him. “It will happen eventually if you keep her on this assignment. He’s not going to give her a chance to walk away.”

“Yes, you’re a real martyr,” he said in a low voice. “Pulling a gun on the woman you care for.”

Glancing around for a moment, Spike made sure no one was watching him before reaching into his coat and pulling out his gun. Seeing Giles take a reflexive step back and reach for his own, Spike threw him the gun, watching the stunned look cross his face as he caught it. “Probably doesn’t mean anything now,” he said, gesturing toward the gun that Giles was inspecting. “But that’s what I had on her that night.”

Turning it over in his hand, Giles’ brow furrowed as he stared at the gun intently, testing the weight of it. “It’s fake,” he murmured to himself in disbelief.

“Knew she’d come armed after… well, the night before wasn’t exactly calm.”

Raising his eyes to Spike’s for a moment, Giles quickly looked away, not wanting to think about the underlying truths in that statement.

“Felt like I needed to even the odds, but I didn’t… I didn’t want to really even the odds.”

“Why?” Giles asked, throwing the gun back to the other man against his better judgment.

“Because I would never intentionally hurt her,” Spike said, looking into Giles’ eyes, letting him see how honest he was being. “There have been times, yeah, when I’ve hurt her… but I never meant to. It just happened.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because Angelus will hurt her, Giles. The second he finds out who she is, he’s going to try and kill her. I know Buffy- I know she can handle herself, but… I also know Angelus.”

“Then why don’t you know where he is?”

“Why haven’t you put him behind bars?” Spike replied irritably. “It’s not that easy to maintain twenty-four hour surveillance on a man who knows that he’s always being watched.”

“You’re willing to help her?”

“I’m willing to get Angelus out of the equation at all costs.”

“She’s been on this assignment for nearly a month.”

“I know,” Spike said, gritting his teeth as his imagination ran away with him. “I’m hoping she’s acquired some information in that time.”

“Quite a bit,” Giles said cryptically.

“I want her away from him just as much as you do, Giles.”

“If you hurt her-”

“I won’t.”

Looking up at the darkening sky for a moment, Giles sighed, not wanting to trust a known criminal, even if he did have Buffy’s best interests at heart but knowing that they were running low on options. “She’s in Los Angeles.”


 

Chapter 27 – Why We Fight


‘How can it be possible to be shopping and still be bored out of my mind?’ Buffy asked herself as she walked out of another store.

She was moderately grateful that Angelus hadn’t bothered to tag along, giving her a brief reprieve from his smothering behavior. She couldn’t help but wonder if there was something that was being kept a secret from her- some reason that Angel didn’t want her around that day, but she wasn’t going to question it. Already having nearly enough information to put him away, she was biding her time until she could put it to the best use.

Turning into a different corridor of the mall, Buffy froze when she saw a man step in her path.

“Hello, cutie.”

Feeling her mouth go dry at the sight of him, Buffy inhaled sharply, trying to choke back the nervousness that seemed to be welling up inside of her.

“Good-bye, Spike,” she said, turning around to walk back into the main corridor, gritting her teeth when she felt his hand close over her wrist, pulling her back toward him. “Let me go,” she said in a low tone, trying not to focus on the way his hand on her skin left her aching for his touch.

“You haven’t been playing fair, love.”

The smooth tone nearly had her trembling, unsure of what he wanted. “Pray tell,” she said through clenched teeth, jerking her wrist out of his iron-like grip.

“Disappearing without so much as a good-bye,” he said, shaking his head and clucking his tongue in mock annoyance. “You should be ashamed of yourself, kitten.”

“I’m supposed to check in with you now?” she hissed, involuntarily taking a step back when Spike moved closer to her, effectively pressing her against the wall.

“Always,” he said in a soft, self-assured voice, giving her a lazy smile.

“Get out of my way, Spike… now.”

Raising an eyebrow, obviously impressed with the way she was standing up to him, Spike merely took a step closer, pressing his hands to the wall on each side of her until Buffy was effectively boxed in.

Dropping the amused smile, he stared into her eyes, seeing the anger and frustration in hers that mirrored his own. “Get out of this assignment, Buffy.”

“Mind your own business,” she replied in the same tone.

“I’m not kidding,” he said, his voice dropping even lower.

“Neither am I,” she countered with a raised eyebrow. “Get out of my life… I’m not telling you again.”

Pushing one of his arms away from the wall, Buffy gasped when she felt her back slam into the unforgiving surface. Vaguely aware of his hands biting into her arms, bruising the skin as he held her in place, she managed a slight struggle when he crushed his lips to hers.

Fighting everything inside of her that was telling her to get lost in the kiss, Buffy felt tears burning her eyes at the bittersweet reminder of what she wanted that she could never have.

Breaking away after a moment to breathe, Spike opened his eyes at the sound of her muffled sob.

“Buffy…?”

Roughly shoving him away from her, Buffy hastily wiped her mouth as she tried to get control over her erratic breathing. Nervously tucking her hair behind her ears, she battled the tears in her eyes, becoming all too aware that Spike was watching her.

Looking up to see his narrowed eyes on her, Buffy watched him tilt his head, running his tongue along his bottom lip as he considered her.

“Get away from me,” she said, her voice surprisingly strong, a direct contradiction to her chaotic emotions.

“Afraid I can’t do that, love.”

“I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I’m not falling for it,” Buffy said, stepping away from him, craving the opportunity that she could get away from him and disappear. “I don’t want to see you… I don’t want to know you. Stay away from me.”

Half-expecting a fist to her jaw, Buffy was surprised that he managed to hold onto his composure.

“I came here to help you,” he said, gritting his teeth around the words.

“I don’t need you. I never need you, Spike.”

“That’s how you feel?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I feel like you would only help someone who could do something for you. I’m not that person.”

“Walk away and stay away- that about it, pet?”

Tightening her lips in response, Buffy watched as he leaned in as if he was going to kiss her before pulling away and turning toward the exit.

“Good luck, Goldilocks… you’re gonna need it.”

Closing her eyes when he was out of her sight, Buffy fought the urge to bring her hands up to her face, wanting nothing more than to sob in anguish.

* * * * *

Exhaustedly walking into her hotel room an hour later, Buffy desperately tried to put the conversation with Spike behind her. She was emotionally drained from seeing him and wanted nothing more than to relive that entire conversation. Knowing it was impossible, she still couldn’t help but wish that things were different.

She didn’t want to think about the lecture she was going to get from Wesley when she saw him. The live feed was left on twenty-four hours a day, ever since she’d nearly blown her cover the first night, and running into Spike would not put her on Wesley’s good list. Especially considering she’d kissed him.

‘He kissed me,’ she told herself, shutting the door behind her. ‘It’s not like you asked him to.’

Turning around, she swallowed a gasp when she ran into Angelus’ chest, pulling back to see his narrowed eyes.

“Hello, Liz.”

Breathing steadily, she managed to offer him a slight smile. “Angel,” she replied, already uncomfortable with being so close to him. Taking a step away, she set her purse down on the table by the door. “Is something wrong?” she finally asked, turning toward him.

“Where’ve you been?”

The soft-spoken voice, coupled with the underlying possession in his tone, grated on Buffy’s nerves.

“Shopping,” she replied with an edge to her voice, turning away from him as she set her keys on the table next to her purse. “I told you that I was going.”

“See anything interesting?” he asked conversationally.

Raising her eyes to the wall, Buffy contemplated the question for a moment before shaking her head. “Nothing worth spending any money on,” she said.

“And you didn’t run into anyone?”

Buffy’s blood turned to ice water in her veins as she turned and walked toward the kitchen area. “Why do you ask?” she replied, keeping her tone light and neutral as she opened the refrigerator, grabbing a water bottle.

“I thought you wanted to be with me, Liz.”

“I-I do,” she said, turning around to look him in the eye as she spoke, forcing a smile on her lips. “Angel, you know you’re the only one for me.”

Studying her for a moment, Angelus slowly began pacing back and forth. “There’s just one thing I don’t understand,” he said, slowly walking toward her with a finger pressed to his lips as if he was deep in thought. “If you were so devoted to me… why were you talking to Spike Reed?”

Hoping to play it off for a while, she casually took a sip of water. “Oh,” she said, trying to put an appropriate amount of surprise behind her words. “You know Spike?”

“Yeah,” he said in a low voice. “The question I have is- how do you know Spike?”

“Oh… we went out,” she said, grasping at straws. “Not long- just on one or two dates… h-how do you know him?” she asked, clearing her throat to cover up the sound of her nervous stutter.

“I think you already know.”

Tightening her lips slightly, Buffy slowly moved toward the living room as if she was trying to get away from a dangerous animal. “Do I?” she asked, her voice taking on a calm quality.

“And when the girl I want to be with is seen kissing another man… a man who I hate… it raises some eyebrows.”

“You’re having me followed?” she asked, her voice returning to its normal tone as she looked at him, dropping the façade. “I wouldn’t have thought you would be that smart.”

Buffy’s eyes widened when he reached out and backhanded her, the force of the impact throwing her into the corner of the table next to the couch. Breathing heavily as she picked herself up off the floor, Buffy could feel the blood trickling down her face from a gash in her forehead.

Spinning around, she slammed her fist into Angelus’ eye, feeling a moderate amount of satisfaction when his head snapped back.

Turning around to run for the door, Buffy cried out when he grabbed her hair, jerking her back to him and twisting her head until it was at an unnatural angle. Glaring up at Angelus as he looked at her, her eyes narrowed when she heard him speak.

“Who are you?”

“You’re so smart,” she said, gritting her teeth. “You figure it out.”

Punching him in the face, Buffy spun around when he let her go, holding his nose and groaning in pain.

Crying out when he shoved her into the wall, using his body to hold her in place, Buffy managed to get enough room, kicking out until she managed to knee him in the groin. Seeing his eyes close as he gasped for air, she shoved him away, wincing when he grabbed her arm and managed to throw her to the floor.

Whimpering when he lay down on top of her, Buffy struggled beneath him, her eyes widening when he managed to pin her wrists above her head.

“Maybe I’ll just take what I wanted and leave,” he said with a cold smile.

“Get the hell off me,” she said through gritted teeth, her lips setting in a firm line when his free hand slowly trailed down her body. Doing what she could to get him off of her, Buffy managed to hit him in the eye with her elbow. It wasn’t enough to hurt him, but she could see the rage growing in his eyes, seconds before he punched her in the face.

Swallowing back the cry of pain, Buffy renewed her struggle, managing to get a hand free from his grasp. Reaching over to grab a nearby cord, she pulled on it until the iron lamp that was resting on the table began to teeter on the edge. Seeing it fall and hit Angel on the back of the head, her cheekbone felt like it was being crushed when he punched her again.

“You bitch!”

Grabbing the lamp firmly in her hand, Buffy blindly swung, catching Angelus in the jaw, throwing him off of her and onto the coffee table next to them. Weakly rolling over onto her side, she struggled to push herself off the ground. Breathing heavily, her eyes widened when Angelus loomed over her. Screaming in pain when he viciously kicked her in the stomach, Buffy curled in on herself, shielding her body from the attack, but nothing could prevent the damage he was inflicting on her.

Gasping for air when he finally stopped, Buffy could barely see through the cloud of pain, gritting her teeth when she felt him grab her hair, pulling her until she was partially sitting and partially lying on the floor, looking into her eyes.

“I will find out who you are,” he said in a low voice. “After I kill you.”

Seeing the cold eyes boring into hers, Buffy managed a painful smirk when she noticed his soon-to-be black eye, swollen nose, and the damage that the lamp had done. “You’re not man enough,” she said in a low voice, wincing when he backhanded her, his other hand still holding her in place.

Clenching her jaw, Buffy struck out, the pointed toe of her shoe catching him in the groin for the second time. Hearing his cry of pain as he let her go, Buffy managed to push herself into a sitting position, grabbing the nearby lamp and swinging it with all of the strength she had left, hitting Angelus in the temple and sending him falling onto the couch that was next to her.

Tears of pain welled up in her eyes as she tried to get to her feet, her hand reflexively gripping her stomach, knowing she had at least one broken rib, unsurprised if there were more than that.

Hearing Angel moan on the couch, she gasped for air as she tried to push herself to her feet, never noticing when he sat up a little straighter and aimed another well-placed kick at her abdomen. Crumpling to the floor, Buffy closed her eyes, desperately wishing for some kind of divine intervention to save her.

Hearing the door swing open, she groggily looked up, groaning silently when she saw Hamilton come rushing into the room. Seeing him stop to survey the place, he ran over to his boss, helping him to his feet.

Buffy could hear fragments of the conversation, but the reality of having not one, but two men who were twice her size, both wanting her dead, was more than she could handle.

“… cops… have to go… Angel, there’s no time… now!”

Looking up to see Hamilton above her as Angelus limped from the room, Buffy stared into his eyes, waiting for his hands to wrap around her neck.

Seeing his body coil as if he was prepared to strike, Buffy turned her head away, seconds before a powerful kick rendered her unconscious.


 

Chapter 28 – Rock Bottom


The steady beeping of a nearby machine roused Buffy, causing her to wince when she finally managed to open her swollen eyes. Seeing the sterile white room, she nearly closed them again in relief, realizing that she wasn’t dead.

Turning her head with some difficulty, Buffy was surprised to see Giles sitting at her bedside, holding her hand in a warm grip.

“Giles?” she whispered, her parched throat making the simple word sound cracked and uneven.

“Buffy,” he said, raising his eyes to hers, a relieved smile on his face.

“What happened?” she asked, her voice coming out in a raspy whisper, looking at him with an uncertain gaze.

“Do you remember anything?” he asked gently, tightening his hold on her hand, offering her what little comfort he could provide.

“I remember… Angelus,” she said softly, closing her eyes against the memories before reopening them. “He knew… he knew something. We fought and… I couldn’t get back to my gun. It was in my purse and he… Please tell me he looks worse than me.”

Giving her a soft smile, Giles squeezed her hand. “I wish I could say that.”

Closing her eyes, Buffy let her head fall back to the pillow. “He’s gone, isn’t he?” she whispered, hearing Giles’ soft confirmation. “Hamilton came in…”

“Yes,” he said with a slight nod. “It’s all on tape.”

Turning to look at him when she heard Giles’ choked voice, Buffy tried to offer him a smile- no easy feat, since her facial features didn’t want to respond to her.

“Buffy, I-”

“Don’t,” she said, attempting to shake her head. “I wanted the assignment and I knew… I knew this was a possibility. I’m sure everyone got there as fast as they could.”

Never hearing the door open as the nurse walked in and checked her blood pressure, Buffy offered him a kind smile.

“I did what I could,” she said, swallowing with some difficulty. “I don’t regret it. And I… I just hope it helps us in the long run.”

“I don’t want you to worry about a thing,” the nurse said with a kind smile, drawing Buffy’s attention over to her. “You’re young and healthy- there will be plenty of chances for another baby.”

Feeling her breath catch in her throat, the world felt like it was closing in on her as her hold tightened on Giles’ hand. Her stomach twisted itself into knots as she looked back and forth between the nurse and her surrogate father.

“What?” she asked in disbelief, shaking her head when Giles raised his glassy eyes to hers. “I was…? No,” she whispered, letting her tears spill over as her shoulders shook. “No, not like this… I… everything is okay, right? Please, Giles, please tell me it’s okay,” she cried, clutching at him when he pulled her into a warm hug, offering her the comfort he could as she continued to sob into his shoulder.

Motioning the woman out of the room, Giles ignored the nurse’s remorseful look as she shut the door behind her, doing everything he could to comfort the woman in his arms.

“I know it’s… difficult,” he said after several minutes when her tears began to quiet. “And I’m so sorry you had to hear about it this way… but things will get better.”

Not bothering to reply, Buffy merely buried her face further into his shoulder, letting the tears continue to fall.

* * * * *

Buffy was numb.

The previous days had passed in a blur that she couldn’t remember. Friends and co-workers had stopped by, wishing her all the best. Her best friend Willow even managed to take some time off work and stay a few nights in the hospital with her while she recuperated.

Buffy filled her in on what she could of the last few months, glossing over some of the more private or business details, leaving her friend stunned with everything that had happened.

Xander and her other co-workers sent flowers and balloons, while Wesley had stopped by with a box of chocolate, obviously nervous that Buffy was going to blame him for not being able to get to her faster. Buffy had quickly put him at ease, telling him that she and Angelus had barely fought for five minutes before Wesley and his men showed up and there was no way he could have known what Angelus knew at the time.

Wesley had seemed more at ease when he left, but Buffy could tell that a residual amount of guilt still remained.

Giles was a constant presence in her room, obviously another person who was feeling guilty for allowing her to go on a new assignment when he felt that she wasn’t ready. Buffy stayed quiet throughout each new tirade, only to retaliate with the obvious answer that she wouldn’t have taken no for an answer. At that time.

But then, there is a reason that hindsight is twenty/twenty.

It was when she left the hospital that she was thrown another curve-ball. Going over her discharge papers with the nurse on the day she was to check out, Buffy received a beautiful crystal vase that was nearly overflowing with roses. The vibrant color could be described as nothing else but blood red – the same color that Spike had scattered throughout her room the night he confessed that he loved her.

There was no card with the bouquet, leading to Buffy’s speculations. She didn’t know if she wanted the flowers to be from Spike. It was a double-edged sword. Unsure of whether or not it was worse to think they were from him and he didn’t care enough to stop by and see her or if they were from another man who’d liked red roses.

The same man who’d put her in the hospital.

She had been told to take a few weeks off work, but Buffy found that she couldn’t stay away from the Bureau.

After more than two weeks of doing nothing, Buffy was in the training room, ignoring the pain that lanced through her body as she attacked the punching bag, taking out all of her aggression and pent up hostility on it.

That was how Giles found her.

“Haven’t I made it clear that you are not to come within one hundred yards of this building while you are recuperating?” he asked, seeing the slight pause in her movements before she began hitting the bag again.

“You can’t expect me to stay home all the time,” she countered, gritting her teeth when a particular combination irritated her still-mending ribs.

“Buffy, I’m worried about you.”

“Why?” she asked in a disinterested tone. “I’m fine.”

“Go home, Buffy. Get some rest.”

“Giles, I just want to get out of the house for a while,” she said, turning to face the man behind her, looking at him with pleading eyes.

“I gave you this time off for a reason. I don’t want you injuring yourself anymore than you already have.”

“Not injured,” she said in a pouting tone, looking down at the floor, turning away from him so he couldn’t see the slight hue that still stained the skin beneath her eye.

Considering the experience that she’d been through, she was moderately surprised that she didn’t have more scars from the night with Angelus. But he had seen to it that all of her scars were on the inside. The only remainders being a slight black eye, cracked ribs, the healing cut on her forehead, and a dull ache in her heart that she felt would never go away.

“You are to take another week off and that’s final.”

Looking up at Giles with an incredulous expression, Buffy opened her mouth to protest, stopping when he raised a hand to silence her.

“I said that’s final, Agent Summers.”

Buffy’s shoulders dropped in disappointment as she looked at Giles.

“Don’t give me that look, or I will see to it that you have mandatory sessions with Dr. Maclay. Although, I think you should be doing that anyway.”

“I’ll be okay, Giles,” she murmured, idly watching her foot as she dragged it along the floor, doing what she could to avoid his eyes.

“You’ve been through quite a traumatic experience, Buffy-”

“I know that,” she said with a harder edge to her voice than she intended. Clearing her throat, she nervously rolled her shoulders, trying to alleviate some of the tension she was feeling. “Maybe you’re right,” she said with a slight nod. “I’m feeling okay right now, maybe… maybe a few more days will really help me come back. I’ll be tip-toppity Buffy in no time,” she said, forcing a smile onto her face.

“Glad to hear it,” Giles said, raising an eyebrow, obviously not believing a word she said as she walked past him, toward the door. “Buffy,” he called after her, seeing her pause with her hand on the doorknob. “If you do need to talk to someone…”

Letting the unspoken statement hang in the air, Giles watched as Buffy turned around with a genuine smile on her face.

“Thanks, Giles.”
 

Chapter 29 – Raging Emotions


Buffy felt as if she was going stir-crazy in her home. Frustrated that she couldn’t do something more useful with her time – and desperately needing something to calm her overzealous thoughts – she was ready to call Giles and demand that he let her come back to work.

Of course, she knew how that conversation would end up, so she didn’t bother. He had told her a mandatory week off and she knew better than to try and get him to bend the rules for her. He was more worried about her than anyone.

‘You only have to wait a couple more days,’ she thought, taking a deep breath. ‘It won’t kill you to have some time off.’

All bruises were virtually undetectable and her ribs were feeling better, but the loneliness that she was feeling seemed to encompass her, drawing her farther into the depths of despair.

Shaking her head, she cleared her throat, expertly chopping up the vegetables for her salad, glancing out the large window in her kitchen in time to see the vivid colors of the sunset fading away, leaving nothing but a hazy gray sky. Buffy briefly paused in her movements, closing her eyes when her heart rate picked up speed. Not bothering to question what was happening, she turned back to the vegetables in front of her, nearly shaking her head at the irony. “Not to sound redundant or… like you, but get out.”

Hearing footsteps slowly approaching her, she didn’t bother to look over her shoulder when they stopped. Her entire body was tensed as she waited for him to say something.

“What the hell do you want?” she finally asked, her voice that had been strong and held such conviction just moments ago now sounded weak and hollow to her own ears.

“Just thought I’d stop by.”

Turning around to face him, Buffy took a deep breath, seeing Spike casually leaning against the doorframe that led into the hallway, his hands shoved into the pockets of his duster.

“Oh, come on,” she said, her voice slightly teasing as she looked at him with a smirk on her face. “You can come up with a better excuse than that.”

Seeing his eyes drop to the floor, Buffy suddenly realized how uncomfortable he seemed to be, standing in her kitchen. She had never seen him look anything but sure of himself and in control- the man in front of her was obviously nervous, in spite of his relaxed demeanor. It left a feeling of discontentment in Buffy’s stomach.

“Why are you really here, Spike?” she asked, dropping all pretenses and niceties as she stared at him through cold green eyes.

“I heard you lost a baby,” he said softly, seeing her tense before she turned away to prepare the pasta that was in front of her.

“I didn’t lose a baby- my baby was killed,” she whispered, closing her eyes to fight off the pain that seemed to shake her to the core.

“I’m sorry, love… poor choice of words and… I’m sorry.”

The double, or perhaps triple, meaning of the apology was obvious.

The standard response to that sentiment had always been ‘It’s not your fault’, but what do you tell the man who had been the father of your child when it was his fault? Not directly- no more directly than Buffy herself- but what would have been different if he hadn’t told her to get out that night? If Angelus’ men hadn’t seen him that day?

Or if she hadn’t told him she didn’t need his help…

“What are you doing here?” she asked, biting her lip and clutching the edge of the counter to keep herself from turning around.

“Guess I just wanted to see for myself that you’re okay,” he said, his calm voice never rising, causing Buffy to strain to hear him in the quiet room. “I tried to tell-”

“Yes, Spike, you tried to tell me!” she cried, whirling around to face him. “Everyone tried to tell me. Everyone…” Trailing off in a choked voice, Buffy closed her eyes, pressing the palms of her hands to her forehead as she tried to regulate her breathing. Slowly looking at him again, she saw the questioning gaze and the underlying sympathy in his eyes.

And she hated him for it.

“You also told me to get out, remember?” she asked, tilting her head to study him. “You told me to leave before I had to leave in a body-bag. You told me that I couldn’t handle Angelus and you…” Biting her lip, she let a slight smile play on her lips before shaking her head. “Doesn’t matter,” she whispered, looking up at him once again. “None of it matters. Nothing I say will change the past.”

Turning away from him, Buffy closed her eyes as she listened to his footsteps cross the tile before feeling his hand gently brush the hair away from her shoulders.

“You’re right,” he said quietly. “Nothing you say will change it… but maybe you needed to get it out there.”

“Maybe,” she murmured, turning toward him slightly, seeing him watching her out of the corner of her eye.

“And yeah, I knew it was dangerous,” he continued, seeing her briefly raise her eyes to his before looking away. “Angel’s a sick son of a bitch, but I never thought he would hurt the mother of his own child,” Spike said, a bitter note creeping into his voice.

Looking up at him in surprise, Buffy opened and closed her mouth several times, unable to think of anything to tell him for a moment.

“I didn’t… I never…” Trailing off, her brows still furrowed in surprise, she turned away from his curious gaze, only to feel his hands on her shoulders, redirecting her attention back to him.

“Never what?” he asked softly.

Swallowing all of the nerves in her stomach, she knew that he deserved the truth. “It was your baby, Spike,” she whispered, cowering slightly when she saw the darkening of his features.

“No,” he said in a raspy whisper, shaking his head as he stumbled backwards, needing distance from her. “No,” he repeated more forcefully, seeing the unshed tears that were shimmering in Buffy’s eyes.

Averting her gaze, Buffy jumped but didn’t make a move to restrain him when she heard his fist hitting the wall as he frantically tried to take his rage out on something. She knew without a doubt that he would have stopped if she had so much as moved closer to him, but she also knew that he needed to get this out. She’d had her fair share of near-breakdowns, and she was more than willing to wait until he got it out of his system, instinctively knowing that he felt responsible. And more than a little bit guilty.

Seeing him visibly calm down, Buffy watched as his fists relaxed, leaving his hands firmly planted on the wall as she turned away from him.

“And you were never going to tell me?” he asked angrily, looking at her with a darkened expression.

“When did you want me to tell you, Spike?” she said, not having the courage to turn around and face him as her hands fisted on the counter, trying to control her raging emotions. “Did you want me to call you up and say ‘Hey, remember me? Guess what- I know we hate each other, but I’m having your baby’?”

“It would have been a start,” he whispered coldly.

“And then what?” she asked, spinning around to face him. “You tell your minions that they have to wait nine months before they kill me? I’m sure that would have been your number one priority.”

“Is that really what you think?” he asked in a soft whisper, his eyes narrowing dangerously when she didn’t answer. “If I wanted to kill you, you’d already be dead. Never forget that, love.”

His tone of voice sent a chill up and down her spine as she turned away from him, unwilling to look him in the eye anymore. “Then why am I still here?” she whispered in a choked voice, closing her eyes.

Waiting for a response, Buffy swallowed a gasp when she felt his hand grab her throat. Immediately spinning around, her hand reflexively grabbed the butcher knife on the counter, only to be stopped by an iron grip. Staring up at him with an unreadable expression, she took a deep breath, seeing the smug look on his face.

“How many weapons do you have in here?” he asked, his calm tone scaring her more than the hand that was firmly wrapped around her neck.

“What do you care?” she asked, tightening her hold on the knife, feeling his hand tighten around her wrist in response.

“Never said anything about caring… but you shouldn’t have to reach for a weapon when you feel threatened.”

“I’m touched,” she said in a disinterested voice. “You’re actually taking an interest in me.”

Closing her eyes when Spike leaned forward, letting his lips brush against her skin as his breath tickled her ear, she trembled when he spoke.

“Always have.”

The whispered words sent an involuntary shiver racing along her spine before her eyes snapped open when she was released.

“So let’s try this again,” he said, extracting the knife from her grip and tossing it over his shoulder without looking, noticing Buffy jump at the loud clatter it made when it landed in the sink.

“Try what ag-”

Cut off with a gasp when his hands wrapped around her throat, viciously applying pressure until her back slammed flat against the counter, she immediately grabbed at his hands, seeing the cold indifference on his face. Scratching at his arms, trying to get him to release her, she made herself calm down as much as possible, getting a clear head before changing the angle and slamming her elbow into his face. Clutching at the edge of the counter to keep herself upright when he stumbled backwards, her other hand went up to her neck, rubbing the handprints that would surely be there the next morning.

“There’s my girl,” Spike said, stemming the flow from his bloody nose.

“I’m not your girl,” she replied angrily, resisting the urge to give him a black eye to go with his nose. “And I don’t need your help,” she spat out angrily, finding it hard to speak as she rubbed her bruised throat.

“You don’t need help?” he asked in a challenging tone.

“I never have.”

“Then why couldn’t you do that with the pillock?” he asked angrily, trying to cover his emotions. “You’re the strongest woman I know, Buffy. Why couldn’t you… why?”

“You weren’t there!” she cried angrily. “You have no idea what happened. What I went through. I didn’t know how to act around him, how to…” Trailing off as she closed her eyes, Buffy pressed her palms to her eyes with a strangled cry.

“Damn it, Spike,” she whispered in a harsh voice, obviously trying to swallow her tears. “You weren’t there. If it had been you… if I had been with you… but I wasn’t and…”

Removing her hands, she slowly turned away, taking a deep breath, clawing at the counter as if she could disappear into it.

“What are you saying?” he asked softly, hesitantly stepping forward and gently putting his hands on her waist, noticing that she didn’t flinch away from his touch. Even after all of the violence that they’d inflicted on each other, she still seemed to take comfort in him.

“I shouldn’t have taken that assignment,” she whispered in an agonizing tone. “I wasn’t ready… not emotionally and… and Angelus goes for a weakness. That’s who he is. He knew that there was something off and he used it to his advantage. When my guard was down, he noticed.”

“Did he know about the baby?” he asked, a hard edge to his voice.

“I didn’t even know,” Buffy whispered, letting her head fall into her hands. “I knew that something with my body was a little… off, but I just attributed that to stress. Two huge assignments in a few months… I didn’t think it was anything. I don’t even think that Giles would have told me, but a nurse walked in and she thought she could offer me some comfort and…”

“That’s how you found out?” Spike asked, his heart aching for her when he saw her nod. “Did you… did you want the baby?”

Slowly dragging her hands down her face until they were folded in front of her, she unseeingly looked straight ahead, obviously thinking about what she wanted to tell him. “How can you want something you never really had?” she whispered, not putting any weight behind her words, closing her eyes when Spike’s hands tightened around her waist, breathing a sigh of relief when his lips gently brushed along her neck.

“It’s easy, love,” he murmured against her skin, not moving to take it any farther as he wrapped his arms around her waist, nearly jumping in surprise when she turned in his embrace and eagerly wrapped her arms around him. That had been the last reaction he was expecting.

Gently holding her close to him, he ran a hand over her hair, closing his eyes when he felt the moisture of her tears seeping through his shirt before taking a deep breath.

This wasn’t him.

He wasn’t this guy.

He was supposed to stay hard. Cold. That’s who he was, who he had always been. But the feel of her warm, soft body seeking comfort from him had him pulling her even closer.

“You shouldn’t be here,” she whispered after a moment, taking a deep breath to calm her nerves.

“I know,” he murmured, his voice muffled by her hair.

“Promise me something,” she said softly, seeing him pull back to look at her. “Promise me you… you’re not doing anything that will make the Bureau come after you.”

“At the moment… I’m not.”

“Spike,” she whispered, putting the weight of her feelings behind the single word, closing her eyes to ward off the pain.

“Buffy, if you think I’m going to let this slide-”

“Let what slide?” she asked, her eyes growing wide when she realized what he was talking about. “Spike, no. No! You can’t… I won’t let you.”

“You don’t really have a choice, love.”

“No,” she repeated, shaking her head. “We’re looking for him, we’re going to find him and…” Trailing off when he gently lowered his lips to hers, eliciting a small moan from her when his hands cupped her face, he slowly pulled away, seeing her flushed face and glassy eyes, remembering a time that was so easy for them.

‘Was it really only a few months ago?’ he asked himself, shaking his head as he stepped away.

“Spike, please don’t do this,” she pleaded, catching his arm when he tried to walk toward the door.

“Why do you care?” he asked, turning to face her.

“I… I just do, okay?” she replied, nearly choking on the words as her true feelings almost came out. “I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“Trust me, I won’t be,” he said, walking out the door before she had a chance to respond.

Nearly slamming it behind him, he flipped open his cell phone, waiting until he heard his friend’s voice on the other line.

“Gunn, find out where O’Neill is. Now.”
 

Chapter 30 – Process of Elimination


“Buffy,” Giles said in greeting, offering her a kind smile when she walked into the room. “You still have a few days off work- I expect you to be using them.”

“I will,” she said.

Watching as her boss stared at the grid in front of him, writing down a few notes on his clipboard, Buffy hesitantly took the seat next to him, studying the green lights as they swept along the black background. Taking a deep breath, she nervously fidgeted with the silk scarf that was tied around her neck, hiding the bruises that Spike’s hands had inflicted on her skin the night before. She didn’t want to worry the older man, and she knew Giles would have a field day if he saw those.

“Giles, I have a question.”

“Go ahead, Buffy,” he said, giving her an easy smile he turned toward her.

Pausing for a moment, she opened and closed her mouth a few times, taking a deep breath. “If O’Neill was eliminated… completely eliminated… that would be good, right?”

Sitting down across from her, Giles took off his glasses, rubbing them with a soft cloth, lost in thought. “If Angelus O’Neill was taken out… it would definitely fall under a good category.”

“A-and it doesn’t matter who takes him out, right? I-I mean, if it was someone outside the Bureau?”

Sitting up a little straighter, the older man gave her a hard look. “What are you talking about?”

Nervously wringing her hands together, Buffy bit her lip for a moment. “Let’s say that there’s someone out there who wants him gone as much as we do. Now… we can’t infiltrate his surroundings like last time. Not anytime soon, anyway- he’s too smart for that and he’ll smell a trap. But if someone… if someone could get close enough, could give us the information we need to justify it and… it’s possible, isn’t it?”

“And who are we talking about, Buffy?” he asked softly, knowing the answer when she immediately hid her eyes from his view.

“Spike came to see me last night,” she murmured, not wanting to meet his gaze, knowing that she would see disappointment on his features. “I told him the truth,” she whispered. “About the baby, about… I told him and he didn’t really take it well. Not that he should have,” she added as an afterthought.

“And he wants to kill Angelus,” Giles filled in, leaning back in his chair as Buffy’s eyes raised to his.

“Not wants to… will. He will kill him the first chance he gets. And so I need to know… if there’s a chance that it could be for us, to do us a favor…”

“You want him exonerated.”

“It’s not like he’s as bad as Angelus-”

“But he’s still bad, Buffy. What do you think will happen once O’Neill is out of the way? Do you think Reed is just going to sit idly by and not try to make his operation bigger?”

“It’s not the mafia, Giles. Spike has all the money he needs and-”

“This was never about money,” he said in exasperation, standing up to pace the room. “Spike Reed could retire ten times over, but it’s not about that. It’s the power… he craves the power of his position.”

“And if he didn’t?” she whispered, looking up at him with a pleading gaze. “If he really would stop… would you consider it?”

“There’s no reason for him to stop,” Giles said softly, sitting down as he looked at her, trying to make her understand.

“But there might be,” she said, a note of desperation in her voice. “If I can talk to him, I might…”

“Do you love him, Buffy?” he asked, looking up at her and seeing her gaze quickly avert his eyes. “Buffy?” he prodded, leaning a little lower, trying to force eye contact with her.

“I don’t know,” she whispered. “I’m definitely having feelings that I shouldn’t be having, but that could just be leftover from the… pregnancy. Even if I didn’t know I was having his baby at the time, I just… it’s hard, Giles,” she said in a choked whisper, fighting back the tears. “I just want it all to stop, and if I can make that happen, I want to try.”

Sitting back in his chair, Giles ran a hand over his face, letting it cover his mouth as he sat deep in thought.

“Angelus is the worst threat and you know it,” she said, staring at her hands. “Spike is dangerous, but he doesn’t go out looking for trouble… not anymore. Angelus likes to cause it, he loves to wreak havoc and have the power and the thrill. Spike’s not like that.”

“You don’t know that,” Giles said softly. “You haven’t seen that side of him.”

“I’ve seen every side of him,” Buffy replied, her voice coming out stronger as she looked up at her boss. “I’ve seen the side that’s held a gun to me and tried to break me down… the one who’s overpowered me because he knew that it would make me stronger and the one… the one where I actually got to see him.”

Hearing the choked sob in her voice, Giles stayed quiet for a moment, letting her compose herself. “Does he love you?” he asked softly, leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands in front of him as he looked at her.

Looking at the desk in front of her to avoid his eyes, Buffy thought about it for a moment. “I don’t know.”

* * * * *

“You go into this blind and it will get you killed,” Ethan said, following Spike around the mansion.

“Maybe,” Spike muttered, testing the weight of his gun as he pushed open the doors at the back of the house. Leveling the gun on an unseen target, he pulled the trigger three times, ignoring the ringing in his ears as the bullets sliced through the air, disappearing to nowhere. “Doesn’t really matter as long as I take him with me.”

“All this for a girl,” Ethan muttered, sitting down at the patio table.

“What of it?” Spike said, turning toward the other man, who obviously became all too aware that his short-tempered boss was holding a gun.

“Nothing,” he said with an easy smile, sitting up a little straighter.

“O’Neill should have been taken out a long time ago and you know it.”

“Doesn’t mean I want to know it,” Ethan retaliated, not wanting to get involved.

“You work for me, this is what happens,” Spike replied, aiming the gun and firing once more.

“Can I tender my resignation?” he asked dryly.

Looking over his shoulder with a slight smile, Spike shook his head. “‘Fraid not, mate. You’re stuck with me.”

“Till death do us part, eh?”

“That’s basically it.”

“How romantic,” Ethan said, seeing Spike chuckle slightly.

The smile slowly faded as Spike stared into the distance. Images flashing through his brain of Buffy’s tear-stained face, Angelus’ cocky smile, and what Buffy must have gone through to be put in the hospital.

“Do we know where he is?” Spike asked, his tone immediately turning cold and brutal.

“We have a place and time. Tomorrow night.”

“You make it sound like a date,” Spike replied, doing his best to keep his smirk in place.

“Close enough,” Ethan muttered, not liking this plan. “Date with death.”

“His,” Spike clarified, aiming the gun as he waited for Ethan’s confirmation. Not hearing one, he turned to look over his shoulder with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m supposed to agree with everything you say now?” the other man asked.

Spike didn’t have a chance to ask him as the doorbell sounded throughout the large house. “No agreement necessary. Just get the door,” he replied, gesturing toward the back door.

“I’m a bloody butler now?”

“Would you rather just be bloody?” Spike asked, seeing Ethan edging toward the house.

“I don’t think that requires an answer,” he said, disappearing into the house.

Checking over the gun he was holding, Spike began to reload when Ethan appeared a few moments later.

“Spike, you have a visitor,” he said in a crisp British accent.

“Don’t want to see anyone,” he muttered, never looking up from his task.

“I think you want to see this person.”

Looking up at the serious tone of Ethan’s voice, Spike frowned, his brow furrowing as his eyes asked a silent question.

“It’s Miss Summers.”
 

Chapter 31 – Losing Sight of the Big Picture


Feeling short of breath as he walked through the hallway, Spike barely registered his own movements as he entered the living room. Seeing Buffy nervously pacing in front of the fireplace, he let a smile play on his lips until she turned toward him.

Spike watched as her eyes widened for a moment before she crossed her arms over her chest.

“I’m not armed.”

Looking at her in confusion, he frowned, unsure of what she was saying. Noticing that her gaze was redirected to his hand, he looked down, realizing that he was still holding his gun.

Clearing his throat, he hastily set it down on a nearby table before nervously shoving his hands in his pockets. “Wasn’t for you, pet.”

“Yeah, well… can’t be too sure in this house,” she muttered, not making eye contact with him as she looked at the floor, obviously remembering the last time she’d been in his home.

Clearing his throat, Spike hesitantly took a few steps toward her. “Why are you here?”

“Aside from the ‘trying to not get killed’ portion of the visit?” she asked with a slight smile.

“Wouldn’t hurt you, love,” he said quietly. “Not intentionally.”

Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, Buffy fought the disbelieving laugh. “I think the scar and the bruises on my neck would tell a different story,” she said, looking up to see his reaction.

Spike dropped his eyes, clearing his throat as he shifted from foot to foot, remembering the night from so many months ago as well as what he’d done to her the night before, trying to remember that it all fell under the realm of being ‘for her own good’.

“Low blow,” Buffy said after a moment. “I’m sorry.”

“Wasn’t the first one you’ve ever taken,” he said, forcing a smile when he looked into her eyes. “Why are you here, Buffy?” he repeated.

“Work,” she replied, seeing his body go rigid. “Not… It’s nothing related to you, Spike,” she said quickly. “Not directly, anyway.”

“Then what is it?” he asked, tilting his head to study her.

“Truth?”

“First time for everything,” he said, trying to smile as he moved closer, leaning against the back of the couch, directly across from where Buffy was standing.

“Okay,” she said, obviously gathering her nerves as she took a step forward, closing the distance between them. “I miss you,” she said, fighting to keep her eyes on his as the confusion and mistrust flashed through his gaze.

“Alright,” he said slowly, unsure of what the underlying meaning of her words could signify.

“Don’t ask me why,” she continued with a slight laugh, doing what she could to lighten the mood. “But I do.”

“What’s that mean, then?” he asked, eyeing her warily.

“I’ve talked to Giles,” she said quietly, seeing him tense at the mention of her boss. “He said if you’re determined to go after Angelus, there’s a way…”

“Spit it out, Buffy,” he said, unsure of where the conversation was going.

“If you go after Angelus for the Bureau and you keep clean after that… you’ll be fully exonerated. For everything,” she clarified, watching his eyebrows raise in surprise. Waiting for a response, she nervously gave him a hopeful smile. “What do you think?”

“Where’s the catch?” he asked after a moment, crossing his arms over his chest.

“What?”

“The catch. I’ve done too much shit to be let go, Buffy.”

“But they can’t prove it,” she said, shaking her head to emphasize her point.

“And why’s that?” he asked suspiciously. “Surely you would have turned over anything and everything that you found when you were with… when you were investigating me.”

“Not everything,” she said softly, avoiding his eyes. “I gave them enough information to arrest you, if you’d gone after the Renoir, but they don’t know anything about… the people you’ve killed.”

Rubbing his jaw for a moment, Spike took a deep breath, trying to control his emotions. “And you know?”

“Spike, you already told me-”

“You know details?” he asked with an edge to his voice. There had once been a small window of opportunity that he would have told her everything she wanted to know about his past dealings, but that time had long passed. “Answer me, Buffy.”

Looking into his eyes, she kept her expression indifferent as she nodded. “I know a few details,” she confirmed.

“How?” he asked, gritting his teeth.

“There was a time when you trusted me, Spike,” she said quietly, seeing the anger simmering below the surface.

“I didn’t tell you anything beyond the basics,” he said in a low voice.

“It’s a big house,” she said, never looking away from his strong gaze. “And at that time, you didn’t know why I was here… part of the reason why I was here,” she corrected, looking away when his eyes narrowed.

“Why didn’t you tell them?” he asked, taking a step toward her, fighting the slight smile when she didn’t step away.

“Why do you think?” she replied, raising an eyebrow as he smirked at her.

“Didn’t want me locked up, love?”

“Do I really need to answer that?” she asked, closing her eyes when he approached her, wrapping his arms around her waist, gently nuzzling her neck and sending chills racing through her.

“Tell you what,” he murmured, his lips brushing over her pulse point. “You go back to daddy dearest…” Moving higher until his teeth were gently scraping over the scar that he had inflicted on her, “…And tell him…” Kissing her jaw before brushing his lips over hers, “…That I’m not interested.”

Buffy immediately went rigid in his arms, the fog that seemed to surround her beginning to lift as she pulled back to look at him in disbelief. “Spike…?”

“You heard me,” he said, using every ounce of strength that he possessed to step away from her. “I don’t want to be associated with them.”

“Spike, you go after Angelus on your own, and you’ll get arrested for murder,” she said, feeling short of breath. “What’s so bad about using the Bureau as a cover? You do everything the same, but here’s a novel idea- you don’t go to prison,” she said sarcastically.

“Not doing it, Buffy.”

“But we could be together,” she whispered, staring at the floor, not even knowing that she’d voiced her thoughts until she saw Spike look at her.

“We couldn’t,” he said, shaking his head slightly, trying to control his breathing when she looked up at him. “We’re too different.”

“And we’re exactly the same,” she said, gritting her teeth as she looked at him. “You’re the one who told me that.”

“Just doesn’t work that way, pet,” he said quietly. “This isn’t a fairytale.”

“You think I don’t know that?” she cried irritably. “You’re not exactly the night in shining armor in this scenario, Spike. You’re not even the guy who rides up to the rescue on a white horse.”

“Then why do you want me?” he asked, grabbing her arms in a harsh grip, pulling her close until she was intimately pressed against him.

“Because you’re you,” she said, looking into his eyes. “Because you can be a good man. I’ve seen it.”

“When?” he growled. “When have you seen it? When I was lying to you? When I practically raped you? When I pulled a gun on you?”

“I’ve lied to you more than you ever lied to me,” Buffy countered, taking a deep breath when she felt his hands tighten on her arms. “And I never said no when you tried to touch me. I always wanted you, Spike,” she said in a choked voice. “And as for the gun- you mean the fake one that you showed to Giles?” she asked, seeing the surprise on his face as he let her go and took a step away, turning away from her, unable to look into her eyes anymore. “Yeah,” she continued with a slight nod. “He told me. Now you tell me… why don’t you want to do this?”

“Don’t you get it?” he yelled, spinning around to face her, his nerves on edge. “I would lose everything. Everything, Buffy.”

“I don’t care about that,” she whispered harshly, trying to swallow the lump in her throat, wanting to make him see that she wasn’t there for his money or the power he had in certain circles.

“I do,” he said, trying not to let the tears that were shimmering in her eyes bother him.

“So that’s it?” she whispered breathlessly, turning her gaze toward the floor, unable to look into his eyes.

“I guess so,” he replied, fighting to keep the nonchalance in his tone and his expression when her gaze slowly raised to his.

Debating for a moment whether to follow her feminine instincts and let the tears free or take the high road, she took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment before focusing on him once again.

“Enjoy your life, Spike… you’ve earned it,” she said graciously, seeing the confusion in his eyes. Taking a step forward, she slowly reached up, touching the back of his neck and guiding him lower, toward her. Hesitating for a moment, she brushed her lips against his, eliciting a soft sigh from him. Pulling back when he tried to deepen the kiss, she tried to suppress the whimper at the loss of contact. Taking a step back, needing the distance from him, Buffy looked up at him with sad eyes, trying to force a smile on her lips. “Goodbye…William.”

Turning around, she quickly left the room, needing to get out of his house as fast as possible.

Practically running through the huge foyer, she didn’t bother to look back, trying to blink away the tears in her eyes as she threw open the front door.

Never turning around to see the look of longing in Spike’s eyes.

 

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