-3-

"This is the most pointless occupation in the universe."

Buffy kept her eyes closed. She had been enjoying a nice doze in the sunshine before Spike interrupted her sleep. She assumed that he was talking to Willow anyway, since the former witch was lying beside him.

"Well, I'm not Miss Happy Beach Person either," she heard Willow say. "I mean, sunbathing doesn't turn me into a suntan beach babe. More like a whole lot of sunburn and freckles babe."

Buffy heard Spike chuckle. "Can I just point out that this thing was your idea?"

"Hey, it rained all summer in England! I got homesick for the whole sunshine and beachy thing. Besides, sunshine is good for you."

"Well, I can think of more productive things to do with my time. But if you say it's good for me." There was a pause. "I like your bathing costume, by the way. Electric blue. Makes a change from the pink fluff you usually wear."

"I kinda don't feel very pink and fluffy these days. But thanks. I like your bathing costume too. Very brief briefs."

"Yeah," said Spike with a chuckle. "But somehow, I don't think seeing me in this ridiculous bathing suit is going to reverse the whole carpet munching thing, is it?"

Startled by his question, Buffy's eyes fluttered open for a moment. He was lying two towels away from her, with Willow on his other side. Spike in a Speedo was not a sight Buffy was used to. She had seen him entirely naked, and she had seen him entirely clothed. But mostly naked with only his privates concealed was something different. After a good look at him, Buffy closed her eyes again, intent on resuming her nap. And not thinking about Spike's briefs; especially after last night.

"Well, let's leave aside the whole 'carpet munching' thing," said Willow hastily. "Tell me, Spike, have you been in the sun, like ever? You're really white."

"Not really, no. It wasn't the done thing back when I was human. Hmm. I suppose I am rather white compared to everyone else." He chuckled. "You'd think I had spent the last 120 years lurking in dark, dank places. I look a bit like a mushroom."

"Well, you're gonna be a real fried mushroom if you don't have some kind of protection." Willow rummaged in her bag. "I have some really good suntan lotion that'll stop you from burning. I use it all the time. Here, I'll do your back. You can do the rest."

Temptation proved too irresistible; Buffy opened one eye again to see what was happening. Spike was now lying on his front, while Willow rubbed the suntan lotion into his back. Buffy watched as she ran her hands up and down his spine, kneading his shoulders, rubbing his white skin in large circular motions. Spike's back looked like marble in the bright sunlight.

"Oh, bloody hell, this is nice," murmured Spike. "Can you be my personal masseuse from now on?"

Willow laughed. "I don't think so. Your boobs aren't big enough."

"Damn. Women get all the luck these days." He shifted his head to look up at her. "So you're a breast woman, huh?"

"I guess I am," said Willow with a grin. "Cause, see, I've only got little boobs. Kinda non-existent boobs, really. Gotta compensate."

"Oh, come on, they're not that bad," Spike assured her; Buffy could tell he was looking at her chest. "Mind you, from my point of view as a guy: tits! And you pushed them up nicely last night. Just shows that size isn't everything."

So much for the idea he hadn't been flirting with Willow the previous night. He'd obviously been interested enough to notice her breasts! Buffy closed her eyes, trying to control her jealousy. Willow was gay, Spike was impotent; they were just being friendly, she told herself.

"Oh, that's the chicken fillet effect," said Willow, laughing. "And no, not the edible kind. These ones." Buffy heard Willow rooting around in her bag again. She presumably pulled out one of the plastic pouches. "Here. They're like the implants women get put in their boobs, only you put them in your bra. They're great. And as an added bonus, if you throw them at a wall, they stick. Kinda like Play-Doh."

"Interesting. Though you do realise you've just handed me something you normally wear on your tits, right?" Spike chuckled. "Personally, I'm more of a leg man anyway. First thing I noticed when I finally got to see a naked lady. Wow. Legs. Nice pair on Sleeping Beauty over there."

Unable to stand any more of this, Buffy sat up. "Lying right here, and kinda hearing everything you're saying!"

Willow looked guilty and pulled away with haste, but Spike drew himself up on his elbows and grinned at Buffy. His dyed black hair was disarrayed and had gone curly in the sea breeze, giving him a relaxed look that would have thrilled Buffy if she weren't so mad at him. Fortunately for him, he chose to say nothing.

"I'm just putting some suntan lotion on him before he turns into a lobster," said Willow. "I mean a boiled lobster, obviously, because a living lobster would be kind of blue and... I think I'll go see what the others are doing."

Willow got up and headed towards Xander, who was hanging out with some of his friends from work. Dawn had met up with a group of her high school friends and was playing volleyball with them further away. Buffy half-regretted the days when her little sister's main ambition had been to hang out with the Scoobies, but on the other hand, the fact that Dawn had friends of her own was a good thing. It meant she was growing up and not constantly interfering in her big sister's life.

"What was all that about?" asked Buffy, turning back towards Spike.

He shrugged. "Just talking, that's all."

"About sex!"

Spike sighed and sat up. "I've got to treat it like something normal. That's what Giles said. I'm not a pervert."

"I never said you were a pervert, Spike. I'm just accusing you of flirting with my best friend."

"Well, I'm not," he said sharply. "Might as well accuse me of flirting with Xander. And anyway, I'm not your bloody property, you know."

He poured some suntan lotion on his hands and rubbed it into his arms. Buffy's anger abated when she realised that she had genuinely hurt his feelings. Besides, the whole jealous of Willow thing hadn't really worked out the previous night.

"I don't think you're my property," she said in a little voice.

Spike stopped what he was doing and looked at her, though she couldn't see his eyes behind his sunglasses. "What's it all about, Buffy? Why are you after me?"

"I'm not 'after' you. I just want... you."

Spike looked away. "Yeah, you want me to fuck your brains out again. Well, I can't do that anymore. So I suppose you'll just have to be content with treating me like a human being."

"You think I don't treat you like a human being?" asked Buffy, wide-eyed. "Why, what did I do wrong?"

"You want to have sex with me. It's revolting."

Buffy was aware that her voice was getting smaller and smaller. "You think I'm revolting?"

"No, I'm revolting," he snapped. "Me wanting you. It's disgusting."

"No, it isn't," said Buffy. She crawled over to the towel next to him, and put her hand on his shoulder. "My God, Spike, you can't beat yourself up forever for one minute of your existence."

He hung his head, shaking it slightly like a rueful schoolboy. "It's not as if the rest of my existence makes me feel particularly good about myself."

Buffy rubbed his shoulder gently, trying to think of something comforting to say. But what could console a man with 120 years of blood on his hands? For want of a better solution, she prepared to give him a happy, cheery speech about the good person he had become. She was interrupted before she even started; Xander came to join them, splashing them with water like a wet dog.

"Hey, guys," he said; he was carrying a surfboard under one arm. "We're thinking about doing some surfing. You wanna come?"

Buffy shook her head, annoyed by the interruption, but Spike sprang to his feet. "Sounds brilliant. I've never been surfing!"

"It's not funny, you know. I'm in pain."

Buffy exchanged a glance with Willow, and the two of them giggled. Sitting between them on the Summers' couch, Spike let out a melodramatic sigh. He was wearing nothing but his ridiculously small Speedo, and his shoulders and legs were streaked with irregular patches of sunburn.

"Well," said Buffy, rubbing after-sun lotion into his red and white shoulders. "You gotta admit there is some irony to you getting sunburn on your first day in the sun."

"But just think how handsome you'll look with a tan," said Willow, applying lotion to the other side of Spike. She smiled at Buffy to indicate that there was nothing serious about the comment.

Spike strained to look at his back. "Looks more like I'll have a tan in all the places I missed with the sunscreen."

"It'll certainly be a bold new look for you," said Buffy cheerfully. "But look at it on the bright side. There aren't many guys out there with a stripy tan."

Willow laughed. "You could be Zebra Spike!"

"Zebra?" he repeated, though he pronounced it 'zeh-bra'. "Bloody hell. Can't you at least call me Tiger Spike?"

"Oh, I wouldn't know anything about that," said Willow with a coy smile.

Spike looked from one woman to the other, taking in their light summer dresses and bare legs. "You know, this is every man's fantasy. Getting oiled up by a pair of scantily-clad beauties. And I can't even enjoy it because I'm in too much pain!"

Giles came in from the kitchen, carrying a cup of tea. He had dropped by shortly after the beach party returned, explaining that he wanted to talk to Spike. Buffy was pleased to see her former Watcher take such a great interest in her would-be boyfriend. It confirmed her belief that what Spike had done for her was amazing.

Giles smiled when he saw the state Spike was in.

"Oh dear. It's not a good idea to go out in the Californian sun when you haven't seen the sun in 150 years."

"You know the saying, 'Mad dogs and Englishmen'," said Spike with a grin. "I notice you carefully avoided the beach, sunny Jim. You should have come along. We had a laugh, did some surfing. I love surfing. Better than killing demons any day."

"But a lot more pointless," declared Buffy. For some obscure reason, Slayer strength and coordination didn't help when it came to balancing on a board. A fear of drowning was a bit inconvenient too; Buffy had spent the whole afternoon with her feet firmly on the ground.

"Oh, ah, I'm not much of a beach person, really," said Giles. "Besides, I had some research to do."

Spike looked worried. "Found anything interesting?"

"Only that vampires who have become human are a rare species." He sat on the chair opposite the couch. "I haven't been able to secure any more details on Darla. The people who brought her back are not very forthcoming, and I was unable to contact Angel."

"You tried to call Angel?" exclaimed Buffy, annoyed that he hadn't discussed this with her first.

"We really don't need to drag the bloody poof into this," said Spike.

Giles raised his hand to calm them both down. "As I said, I was unable to talk to him. The young lady I did talk to was very helpful, but everything she knew about Darla seemed to be second hand information. I had better luck with Wesley, who is going to e-mail me some documents. I gather he isn't working with Angel anymore."

"Never mind about that," said Spike. "Why are you so keen to find out about Darla?"

"Well, she is the most recent case of humanity among vampires," said Giles. "Studying her example might tell us if there's any risk of side-effects."

"What, like diseases I had as a human?" asked Spike. "First thing I did when I got here was get a health check. No TB, no other assorted nasties I might have picked up as a vampire. Clean bill of health."

Buffy was surprised. "I didn't know you went to see a doctor."

"You remember that cough I had?" Spike shrugged. "I was worried."

"You had TB when you were human?" asked Willow.

Spike ran his hand through his hair. "Not that I know of. It's just my--" He glanced at Giles, then lowered his eyes. "My sister died of TB. And believe me, it wasn't Dame Aux Camélias stuff either." He sighed. "So anyway, there's nothing to worry about as far as old Great-Granny having a syphilitic heart condition is concerned. I'm clean as a whistle, me."

Giles nodded. "However, I do find it interesting that the last case of humanity was in your vampiric ancestor."

"Makes you wonder about the demons you've all had," said Willow. "I mean, the Master sired Darla, who sired Angel, who sired Drusilla, who sired Spike."

"I think we all know the begats of my family," said Spike. It was a joke that only Giles chuckled at as Willow continued.

"Well, leaving aside the Master, who got killed; two of you ended up human, and one is a vampire with a soul. Not to mention the whole Connor thing. Kind of a weird family in the vampire world."

"Maybe the Master sired too many vampires and his demon became weakened or something," said Buffy. The others all looked at her as if she had sprouted horns. "Okay... maybe not."

Spike smiled at her. "Maybe not, no." He turned back to Giles. "I don't have any answers for you on that count, mate. Maybe it's just a coincidence."

"Yes, indeed..." said Giles in a voice which suggested he wanted to give it more thought. "When you're ready, I'd like to talk to you in private, Spike. There's still so much I want to know."

Spike gave Willow and Buffy a long-suffering look. "Oh, well. I'll see you lovely ladies later, when Watcher boy has finished poking around in my head." He grinned and rubbed his hands as he stood up. "I'm sure I can think up a few more home truths about vampires that the Council really doesn't want to know."

"I mean, none of the platforms are straight; there's this big gaping hole between you and the Tube train. So it's all over the place: written on the platform, on the trains." Willow waved her hand to mimic writing on a wall. "They even have announcements all the time saying 'Mind the gap!'. It's like they're terrified you're going to fall into the hole."

"Maybe someone did, and they got sued," suggested Dawn. "Like McDonald's who have to put 'Caution: this drink is hot' on the side of their coffee cups."

All the American Scoobies were sitting in the living-room while Giles and Spike had their talk. Xander laughed and finished off his drink.

"You'll have to ask our resident Limeys next door why everything is curvy in England," he said, nodding towards the closed dining-room door on the other side of the hallway. "I wonder what's up with the counselling sessions, by the way. Why is Giles so interested in Spike?"

"Because the idea of a soulless vampire wanting to be a mere mortal again totally blows his mind?" suggested Willow. "The whole vampire looking for redemption thing kinda doesn't fit in with everything the Council says about vamps."

Xander shrugged. "Yeah, but it just means Spike is weird. It doesn't mean other vampires can be redeemed. Spike's had the chip, the Slayer obsession, years of hanging around us. Guess that can really change a vamp."

"But didn't Giles always say that vamps couldn't change?" said Dawn. "If Spike could change, even if it was just because of things people did to him against his will, then maybe other vamps have that possibility too and--"

"I did a straw poll," interrupted Buffy before they got a chance to argue the advisability of staking vampires on sight. "None of the vampires I asked were interested in changing. So not staking them just means lots of dead bodies. Anyone want more drinks?"

Buffy took their assorted glasses and mugs and went into the kitchen. The last thing she wanted was a lengthy debate on whether her prey could be saved. She was fixing the drinks when she noticed that the dining-room door was open. Even though their voices were soft, she could just hear what Giles and Spike were saying.

"...and I thought 'I could have this'," Spike was saying. "Ready made family, new life in Sacramento with a clean slate. She was a nice girl, you know, and the boy was adorable." Buffy stared at the door, her heart suddenly cold with fear. Did he really regret letting Melissa go? She was a normal woman with a normal life; something Buffy would never have.

"But it would have been a lie," concluded Spike.

"Because you love Buffy?" asked Giles.

"Because I didn't love Melissa. And because I don't deserve that. God, I don't deserve anything. I hate being human, and I'm so ashamed that I hate it. I shouldn't feel like this. Buffy's right, I chose this path, and I shouldn't be going around whinging about it."

"Do you want to be a vampire again?"

There was a pause. "It was simpler. Before the chip, before Buffy, it was all very simple. There was just feeding, fucking and fighting. It was-- I don't know how to describe it, really. Being a vampire; it's like taking cocaine or something. You feel like you're the most powerful being in the universe and it's exhilarating. You're just so free. The kill, the human blood makes you free.

"But when that's gone, and it's just you... It's awful, like the worst cold turkey. You're just back to being nothing. Ordinary." He sighed. "It's been like that since the chip. Now it's a bit better, because being human makes me so busy, most of the time, I don't even remember the high. There's bills and work and worrying about whether I'll ever get it up again. Vaccinations, hunger pangs, and pain all the time; God, I can't bloody lift a finger without hurting something. My body's gurgling and thumping and fighting me. And more people want things from me than I even talked to while I was a vampire. But it's hard. When I remember how things were, it's a struggle. And that doesn't make sense. It's what I wanted."

"I can understand your conflicting feelings," said Giles gently. "It's very difficult to relinquish power once you've had it. But you mustn't stop the struggle. It will be worth it."

"Really?" Spike didn't sound convinced.

"It depends what you want, Spike. Do you want the fighting and fucking?" The word sounded strange coming from Giles. "Or do you want to be useful? Living here on the Hellmouth, knowing what you know about the demon underworld, you have a unique opportunity to make a difference."

"What, as an ordinary Joe like Xander?"

"As it happens, Xander was in a position to save the whole world last spring. You shouldn't underestimate the power of a human being. What you have now, most of all, is the power to choose. You can become good, you can become evil; you can even go back to being a vampire. The choice is yours."

"I made my choice when I was a vampire. I'm no coward; I'm going to stick this through."

"Good decision." There was a pause. "Do you want some more tea?"

Buffy realised she hadn't finished preparing the drinks for the others; she didn't have time to get them done before Giles walked in.

"Hey," she said, trying not to look too flustered. "How's the patient?"

"He's getting better, but is still having some doubts about his life as a human."

"He wants to be a vampire again?" said Buffy with concern, unable to conceal the panic she felt at what she had overheard. If Spike became a soulless vampire again, she would have to stake him.

Giles shook his head. "No. He is struggling, but I think he's doing a good job of adjusting to human life."

"Good, because I like him as a human."

"I know. And so does he," said Giles, turning away to turn on the kettle. Buffy could see a little smile on his lips. "You were right. He is quite a pleasant young man without the demon."

Pleased by this reluctant blessing from her former Watcher, Buffy carried the drinks in to her friends. Her smile faded when she found that Spike had slipped into the living room. He was talking to Willow, whispering something in her ear that made her laugh. Buffy had to struggle hard to conceal her jealousy, but the conniving smile they exchanged when he returned to the other room felt like a stab in the heart.

Buffy knocked on the Rosenbergs' door. After a while, the door opened to reveal Willow apparently wearing only a long, loose shirt. She stared at Buffy, visibly surprised, and not very pleased.

"Oh, Buffy, hey!" she said nervously. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you." They stared at each other for a moment. "Are your parents here?"

"No, they're in South Africa."

Buffy rocked on her heels, feeling awkward. "Wow. That's far away."

"Yeah."

"So, can I come in?"

There was a noise from within the house, Willow looked behind her and grinned at Buffy. "Of course you can. Sorry. Not thinking very clearly. Kinda all zonked out with the studying thing. And other stuff."

She stepped aside to let Buffy in. The reason for her nervousness became apparent when Spike came out from the living-room. He was pulling on his T-shirt. Buffy felt as if her heart had been pulled out. Seeing Spike with Anya had been bad enough, but this...

"Hello, luv," said Spike. He raised one eyebrow, an amused twinkle in his eye. "You're not seriously thinking what I think you're thinking?"

Buffy crossed her arms. "And what do you think I'm thinking?"

"That you're thinking something completely wrong?" suggested Willow. "Buffy, I was giving him a massage."

"And in what way is that not what I'm thinking?" exclaimed Buffy, panic rising in her chest.

Spike's amusement vanished. "Me, impotent. Willow, gay. Both of us not bloody stupid."

"Spike," said Willow gently. "Don't you have to see Xander about that thing?"

"Yeah." He gave Buffy a dirty look as he passed her. "I'll see you later."

When Spike was gone, Willow pulled Buffy into the living-room. It smelled of cigarette smoke. Buffy soon realised why; Willow sat on the couch and rummaged in her purse, pulling out a packet of cigarettes and a golden lighter.

"Don't look at me like that, Buffy," said Willow as she lit up. "It's a lesser evil, you know. Can't kill anyone when I'm on a nicotine high!" She went over to open the window and sat on the sill. "Except from passive smoking I guess. But really, the worst that can happen is I'll get lung cancer, right?"

"That's Spike's lighter," said Buffy, suddenly realising.

Willow smiled. "Yeah, well, he doesn't smoke anymore, so he gave it to me."

"So what is this? Is Spike sleeping with all my friends now?"

Willow rolled her eyes. "Yeah, sure. In fact, Spike, Anya, and I are having a ménage à trois. We've tried to convince Xander to join, but you know how uptight he can be." She shook her head. "Buffy, I wouldn't sleep with your ex even if I wanted to. And believe me, I don't want to. Not after Tara. So keep your jealousy to yourself, Buffy. Spike and I don't deserve that."

"I'm sorry," said Buffy, touched by the hurt in Willow's voice.

"You just don't realise how harsh you can be sometimes." Willow blew a plume of smoke out of the window. "Spike and I have a lot in common, you know. We're both murderers; we both did our loved ones a terrible wrong. At least he had an excuse. Soulless demon with a lover who treated him like that."

Buffy swallowed hard. "What do you mean?"

"I read your mind. When I was all postal, I could hear everyone's thoughts. Even Spike's. I know everything about you two." She shook her head, her hard expression softening into the features of the Willow of old. "I'm sorry. Buffy, I shouldn't throw that in your face. It's none of my business. But Spike's hurting, and I don't like seeing that. He loves you, but he's terrified you'll hurt him again. And he thinks he'll hurt you too. He's just one big pile of fear."

"I know," admitted Buffy. "Willow, I don't know what to do. I want to help him, and I don't know how." She glanced at her friend. "Did he tell you what happened at the party?"

"Not everything. But he said you kissed. And he explained about the impotence." Willow drew on her cigarette. "Giles says it's probably just psychosomatic. He's so ashamed and afraid of his sexuality that he's subconsciously trying to avoid it completely. I guess being around you doesn't help."

There was that feeling of dread again. "You think I make things worse?"

"No, sweetie," said Willow, throwing her cigarette out of the window and coming to sit beside Buffy. "But... I think some of it is about you. The way you used him, what he did to you. He thinks sex is the only thing women have ever wanted from him, and at the same time, he thinks it's the worst thing about him."

"And I'm both the girl who used him for sex, and the one he tried to rape. God, I'm not surprised he's all conflicted. I didn't think about it that way." Buffy looked down at her hands. "But if it's all my fault, maybe I can make things better."

"You want to get back with him?"

Buffy looked at her. "I guess so. Makes me kinda weird, right?"

"Oh, you've always been weird. But Spike's okay. If you can forgive each other, it can only make you stronger, right? Because you never know what might happen." Her eyes stared into the distance. "If you love each other, you should take what you've got and make the most of it while you can."

-4-

Buffy stood in the back doorway, wiping her muddy feet on the mat and brushing back her wet hair. Loud music was blaring from the radio; oblivious to her presence, Spike was mixing something in a bowl. She watched as he took the spoon he was using and stuck it in his mouth, before plunging it back into the mixture.

"You know that's unhygienic, right?" she said.

He jumped and turned to glare at her. "What are you doing, coming in this way?"

"It's raining," explained Buffy. "Don't really care for mud stains in the front entrance." She kicked off her shoes. "I guess we really did catch the last beach day last weekend."

Buffy looked at Spike, unsure if she should bring up their awkward conversation at the beach. Or indeed their embarrassing encounter at the party. Spike seemed to be similarly afflicted, though he had the advantage of something to do. He was mixing that mixture for all it was worth.

"What are you making?" asked Buffy, deciding that a nice, neutral topic was safer than bringing up their problems.

Spike looked relieved. "A cake. Willow and Xander said they might come over later on, so I thought I'd cook a meal. Well, try to cook a meal." He lifted the lid on a pan that was bubbling on the stove, and peered into it with a dubious expression. "Chances are, we'll be having pizza."

"Pizza is good," said Buffy with a grin, coming nearer to see what he was cooking. It was some kind of brown stew that smelled very unpleasant. "But even if we don't eat it, you'll have made the effort."

Spike nodded. "Exactly. I'll never get what I want if I don't try for it."

He turned towards Buffy as if he were about to say something else. For a moment, he stared into her eyes, an apprehensive look on his face. But then he lowered his gaze again and went back to churning his cake mix. Buffy looked away too. God, this was hard. She thought about her conversation with Willow, and how she and Spike should make the most of what they had. Maybe now was the time to bring their problems out in the open, where they could be stabbed with metaphorical pointy things.

"What are you doing home?" she asked. "Don't you normally work down the docks and at that bar thing?" Okay, so she was a total wuss.

"Ah, well. Decided working down the docks really wasn't my thing, so I jacked it in."

"You left your job? Why?" Buffy hoped this had nothing to do with her complaining that she never saw him.

"Well, you were complaining that you never see me." Oh, crap. Couldn't Spike make a decision for himself for once, instead of always doing as she told him? "It occurred to me that we'd be a lot better off if I got myself a better paid job, so I don't have to work evenings too." He put down the mixing bowl. "Willow helped me make a résumé. It looks really good, considering I only entered the job market a few weeks ago. Just a sec, I'll get it..."

Spike went into the other room and returned with a printed sheet of paper. "There we go, my life story translated into normality."

The résumé was short, but laid out in an elegant typeface; Buffy skimmed over it and laughed. "You're pretending you've got a degree from Magdalen College, Oxford?"

"It's pronounced 'Maudlin', and yep, I followed my father's footsteps to a T." Spike started churning his cake mix again.

"You're serious?" Buffy stared at him. "You really have a college degree?"

He gave her an amused look. "Yes, I really did have a college degree. Don't get too excited; I don't think the ability to translate Latin and Greek comes in that handy these days. But at least it makes it look as if I've been doing something with my short life. Aside from practising martial arts a lot." He pointed at the 'Hobbies' section at the end of the résumé.

Buffy's mind was still on the degree. No wonder he got on so well with Willow; Spike was a closet egg-head. Not a college dropout like herself.

"Look, pet, I'm sorry about the other day and the Willow thing," he said in a soft, earnest voice. "I should have realised it would make you jealous."

That gave her thoughts another direction. She smiled at him. "That's okay. My bad, totally. I mean, you and Willow. So not happening, right?"

"Well, I used to fancy her," said Spike, though he didn't give Buffy time to react to that little titbit of information before adding, "But not now. We've both changed." He tilted his head and smiled at her, his expression hopeful but uncertain. "Besides, I've got someone far better to go for. If she'll have me."

He was staring straight at her; there could be no doubt who he was referring to. Buffy's heart skipped a beat, though she was puzzled.

"I thought you didn't want me anymore," she said. "I mean, you said it would be wrong."

"That was me being noble. Trying to do the right thing." Spike's lips twisted into a wry little smile. "But I've thought about it a bit more. If you want us to make a go of it, despite everything we've been through, then it's not really up to me to decide we're not going to. Not without at least having a chat with you first."

"Good thinking," said Buffy, smiling with delight at the thought that Spike had changed his mind. "Not to mention very mature."

He rubbed the back of his neck, a little embarrassed. "Yes, Giles thought so too. Thing is, pet, now I'm human, I can really see how messed up we both were last year. I behaved abominably, and being with me didn't bring out the best in you, either. I'm afraid that might happen again. After all, my only long-term relationship was with Dru, and I don't know if I'm cut out to be a good boyfriend to someone like you." He turned away from her. "Especially if my best feature is currently unavailable."

Buffy caught his arm to pull him back towards her. "That's not your best feature, and I think you'll make a great boyfriend." She smiled. "You're already a good friend. And you know, you had your moments when we were together before. Non-sexual kinds of moments," she added before he could get the wrong idea. "Ones where I saw the real you under all the posturing. But they were just moments back then; now, you're really that person all the time. And I want to be with you. Now we've got a second chance, maybe we can do things differently."

Spike suddenly laughed and wrapped his arms around her. Buffy returned his happy embrace, her heart dancing with the certitude that this was the right thing to do. Everything would be different this time around. Spike kissed her cheek, and God, it made her weak in the knees. His strong arm around her waist, his lips on her face, the smell of his sweat on the old T-shirt he was wearing. This all felt so right.

"Isn't Dawn supposed to be back from school?" asked Spike in a low voice, his lips tickling her ear.

Buffy closed her eyes, resting her head on his shoulder. "She told me she was sleeping over at her friend Imelda's place. DVD night, apparently."

"Oh." Spike brushed Buffy's lower lip with a floury finger. She snaked her tongue out to lick it, then drew it into her mouth, sucking gently. When she opened her eyes to look at him, Spike's face was flushed, his eyes half-closed, his lips parted by his ragged breath. The raw desire on his face made Buffy's entire body tingle.

"I can make love to you, you know," said Spike softly. "I can make you feel good."

"You don't have to." Buffy smiled. "I mean, we don't have to if you can't, you know."

"Get an erection?" His lips curled into a sardonic smirk that was all Old Spike. "Since when did you become so coy? Besides, it won't be that different for you without my willy." He leaned in close to whisper in her ear. "I have nimble fingers, and I doubt breathing will be a major handicap."

Aroused at the very thought of Spike touching her, Buffy laughed and kissed his cheek. She ran her hands up his back, removing them when he winced.

"Sunburn," he explained. "Getting better, but still a bit sore."

Buffy giggled. She had forgotten about the sunburn, even though he had complained about it every time she'd seen him since Sunday. Laying her hands flat on his back to apply as little pressure as possible, Buffy drew her head back slightly, aiming a kiss at his mouth. The phone rang.

"That's bound to be for you," said Spike, looking in the direction of the warbling telephone.

Buffy sighed and disengaged herself from Spike's warm embrace. The phone call was from Xander, explaining that he couldn't come over tonight because he had a hot date with Amrita. Way to kill the mood, thought Buffy, even though the poor man had no idea what he had interrupted.

By the time she had finished talking to him, Spike was back at the stove, adding some ingredients to his stew. He raised his eyebrows at her as if to ask what the phone call was about.

"Xander can't make it," she told him.

"Great. And here I am making food for the five thousand." Spike shrugged. "Oh well, if it's edible, we can always keep it for another day."

"Yeah." The romantic mood was gone. Buffy felt cold, wet and tired. "I'm gonna have a bath. Call me when it's ready."

She had just undressed and was running water into the bathtub when Spike knocked on the door. Smiling at the thought of the lame excuses he might come up with, Buffy put on her bathrobe and opened the door. Maybe he wanted to hop in the bathtub with her.

"It just occurred to me," said Spike, leaning in the doorway with a grin. "We didn't really finish what we were talking about."

"You want to talk some more about sex?" asked Buffy.

"No, I want to have sex," he answered, a twinkle in his eye. "But talking about it is fine, if that's your thing."

Buffy crossed her arms. "Oh yeah? Come a bit closer and I'll show you who wants to talk."

Spike smiled and seemed about to take her up on her offer. But then his smile faded, and he took a step back, his eyes on Buffy's crossed arms. "Maybe later. Actually, I came to tell you dinner will be half an hour."

"I don't stay that long in the bath anyway." She noticed the look on his face. "Spike, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

He turned away and headed for the stairs. Buffy looked down at her grey bathrobe, then at the water running into the bathtub, realisation striking her.

"Spike! Come back, I have an idea!" she said, turning the water off.

Buffy ran after him and caught up with him at the bottom of the stairs. Standing on the bottom step, she was exactly level with Spike's face. She held his head in both hands and gently kissed his lips.

"Maybe your problem isn't the resurrection," she said. "Maybe it's just the whole me in the bathroom thing." Spike gave her a 'duh' look, which suggested this was something he had realised a long time ago. Undaunted, Buffy pulled him up the stairs. "We can fix it. I've seen it on TV. When you're traumatised by something, you can be cured by doing the same thing again, only acting out a different ending. So what if instead of fighting you off, I'm all willing and stuff?"

"You're going to fuck me better?" exclaimed Spike when they reached the bathroom. He shook her hand off his. "You're bonkers! There's a bloody good reason that night haunts me; it makes sure I don't bloody do it again!"

Buffy put her hands on her hips. "So what? You're going to be impotent the rest of your human life just because of one minute of your existence as a soulless vampire? I'm not going to let you do this to yourself."

Spike gave her a disdainful look. "Oh well, I'm sorry I can't perform my duties as your walking dildo anymore."

"How can you say that?" exclaimed Buffy, too hurt to be angry. "That isn't what I want from you, Spike. I want the living with you, and the having you around, and you being friends with my friends, and being happy, and... We don't have to have sex. You said you wanted to, and I just want to help. But if you really don't want to-- It's okay. We can have dinner and talk about other things." She reached for the door, ready to close it and return to her bath, but he stopped her.

"I really do want to. If you think it'll help..." Spike sighed and walked into the bathroom. He turned towards her when he had reached the middle of the room, and looked her over with a wan smile. "Can I get you a new bathrobe after this?"

Buffy smiled. "Sure."

Of course, after that argument with Spike, sex was the last thing on her mind. But he was right; you didn't get what you wanted if you didn't at least try. Buffy took a deep breath and stepped forward. Spike instinctively stepped back. The back of his knees bumped into the side of the bathtub and he fell heavily into a sitting position.

"Pet," he said. "I'm not sure this is going to work."

"Are you going to give it a chance or not?" she exclaimed, applying her best bossy Slayer mode to the problem.

He gave her a comical look, but kept his mouth shut as Buffy removed his glasses and started to stroke his face. She ran her hands over his well-defined cheekbones and soft lips; through his black hair that was already fading to brown; down his warm, smooth neck. There she replaced her fingers with her lips, placing a series of soft kisses on his skin, up to the faint mole on his right cheek, and finally back down to his dry lips. She slid out her tongue to wet them.

Spike was breathing hard now. His hands reached for her hips, pulling her closer. Buffy straddled his thigh, her lips still brushing against his, their breaths mingling in the damp bathroom air. She pulled one of his hands into her bathrobe; he obediently cupped and squeezed her breast, flicking his thumb over the nipple while his other hand grasped her hip. Now he was the one lapping at her lips, his wet tongue teasing her mouth open.

Buffy wrapped her arms around Spike's neck and they shared a deep, passionate kiss. He released her breast and slid both arms around her body under the bathrobe, trying to pull her as close as he could. Buffy followed, rubbing herself against the rough material of his jeans. God, this man could turn her on.

"Look at me, baby," she breathed. She buried her hands in his hair and drew his face back. "I want you, Spike. Look how much I want you."

Spike obediently looked. Her bathrobe had fallen open, exposing her breasts and a thin strip of pale stomach. As she slid her hips back down Spike's leg to give him a better view, Buffy laughed at the moisture her arousal had left behind. She lifted herself up to unwrap the cord of her bathrobe, and pulled it apart completely. Her eyes locked on Spike's, Buffy cupped one breast and then ran her hand down her stomach to plunge two fingers into her wet curls. She touched herself lightly, then withdrew her hand as if it were on fire. Too much of that and she would come right now.

She tugged at Spike's T-shirt, encouraging him to remove it, but he stopped her.

"I'm a bit peely." When Buffy started to protest, he shook his head. "No, really. Unless you're turned on by me shedding like a blimming snake, that is."

Right at that moment, Buffy was pretty sure even a skin-shedding Spike would turn her on. But he seemed genuinely squicked himself, so she resigned herself to getting no naked chest of Spike. There were other, unaffected areas to explore anyway; Buffy kneeled between his legs and unzipped his pants.

"It's not-- I'm sorry. It won't--" said Spike. He interrupted himself with a moan and slid his hands through her hair when Buffy ran her tongue down his flaccid penis. Even if it didn't make him erect, this obviously gave him some pleasure. "Oh, pet. You don't have to do this."

"What if I want to?" Buffy gently pinched his foreskin between her top teeth and bottom lip, and looked up at Spike with a mischievous smile. She released him, then twirled her tongue around his penis again. This wasn't so bad. In fact, Mr Floppy was kind of cute. Buffy had never been this intimate with a flaccid penis before.

"Does that feel good? What about this?" She stroked his loose testicles, running her fingers through his dark, fluffy curls. "They're like Chinese stress balls."

Spike nearly fell into the bath with laughter.

"And you said I didn't know how to have fun." Buffy looked up at him, putting on that wide-eyed innocent look which had always got her what she wanted before. Not so innocent when she was on her knees on the bathroom floor, half naked, dripping wet and horny as hell.

"Oh, bugger this." Spike placed his hands on her shoulders to move her back a little, and slid down to join her on the floor. "I'm going to sort you out, all right."

Buffy lay back on the bathmat, and hooked her fingers into his pants waistband to pull him towards her. Spike smiled and straddled her legs, slipping one hand between them. Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

"God, baby," she moaned, "Yes. Please, Spike. I want you inside me."

Spike was gone.

Buffy opened her eyes and saw him back into the dresser under the window, holding his pants up while he looked at her in horror. Okay. Clearly not the right thing to say.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Not a good idea," said Spike, trying to sound calm, but looking very agitated. "Maybe we should start with something less frightening. Like dinner?"

Evidently powered by the force of their pheromones, the phone rang again. Spike jumped at the excuse and left by the bedroom door, mumbling about bloody phones while trying to do up his pants.

Defeated, Buffy sat up and wrapped the bathrobe around her, fighting back tears of frustration. She wondered if she could persuade Willow to do another one of those forgetting spells.

By the time Buffy came out of the bathtub, refreshed and ready to face him, Spike was nowhere to be seen. There were potatoes boiling on the stove; the stew was in a casserole in the oven; the cake was rising on the shelf above it; the dining table was set for two. Buffy walked through the rooms on the ground floor, feeling a growing sense of dread. Maybe he had left. After the embarrassing scene in the bathroom, she couldn't blame him.

Buffy's dread was threatening to turn into tears when she heard a noise in the basement. She opened the door and ran halfway down the stairs. Spike was pummelling the punching bag with all his strength. When he heard her enter, he held the bag still and turned to look up at her. Then he went back to his punching.

Without a word, Buffy walked down the stairs. She stood in front of Spike and assumed a defensive position. She was all for letting off steam; a bit of non-lethal wrestling would be just the ticket. It was the only thing that had kept her sane when Angel's curse had kept them apart after his return. Spike hesitated, then flashed a wicked grin at her and lunged forward. Buffy easily side-stepped his attack, but was caught by surprise when he suddenly kicked her feet out from under her. She sat on the floor and glared at him. Spike laughed; he held out his hand to help her up.

"I don't have the strength of a rhinoceros, but at least I know what I'm doing, love. You should train more often." He leaned against the washing machine. "So what was that, an alternative to sex?"

Buffy brushed off the sweatpants and T-shirt she was wearing. "You looked like you needed to let off some steam."

"My steam's all let off. I'd still prefer to be making love, of course, but--" He shrugged.

"I'm sorry it didn't help," said Buffy. Her face felt hot; she was certain that she had turned bright red at the very thought of the embarrassing scene she had put them through in the bathroom. "I guess you were right. It was just psychobabble."

"Well, you did give me some nice new visuals, even if they were a bit blurry without the specs." Spike scratched his ear. "But maybe trying to do it in the bathroom wasn't the best place to start. Perhaps we could try somewhere else and then work our way back up to the whole bathroom thing."

Buffy smiled. "Wanna start with the bedroom?"

"Maybe later." He spread his hands. "Not that working on my sexual problems isn't appealing, but I've been slaving over a hot stove for a while, so I'd rather have dinner first. Also, I'm quite keen on being naked while attempting sex, so the fact that I look like a lump of flaky pastry doesn't help." He grinned. "That was Willow on the phone, by the way. Her parents are back from South Africa, so she can't make it either."

"Oh." Buffy was puzzled. "You'd think she would have known that before she said she'd come over."

"Dawn, Xander, Willow. Sounds like a set-up to me." Spike tilted his head with a tender smile. "Well, if they're that keen on us having dinner together, we might as well oblige."

Buffy tried to control her facial expression as the piece of potato crunched beneath her teeth. There was nothing she hated more than uncooked potato. Okay, so there were actually lots of things she hated more than uncooked potato, but it wasn't her favourite food.

"You really don't have to eat the potatoes," said Spike. "I don't think they're cooked."

"Hmf." Buffy washed the potato down with a sip of white wine. "No, they're not. But the stew is really great." Really salty and the meat was kind of stringy, actually, but she didn't want to hurt Spike's feelings. He raised a quizzical eyebrow at her. "Okay, edible," she admitted. "Which is good. Took me years to even get to 'edible'."

"Makes sense," said Spike with a good-natured smile. "I was a piss-poor master vampire, and now I'm a piss-poor master chef."

Buffy laughed. They were sitting opposite each other at the dining room table, with a candle between them. The perfect romantic dinner; kind of surreal after everything she and Spike had put each other through, but a very welcome change.

"Actually, I have something for you that might go down a bit better than my potatoes," continued Spike. He went to get an envelope from the sideboard behind him, and handed it to Buffy. "It's rent money. I don't know how much I owe you, so I just made up a sum. I thought it was about time I was contributing more than groceries to this house."

Buffy looked into the envelope. "Spike, this is way too much!"

"I don't think so." He leaned forward and looked at her earnestly. "Thing is, I've had a bit of an epiphany. Now that I have a résumé and a social security card, I've been thinking about the kind of job I should be doing. The ones I've done already are useful, but are they the best I can achieve as an individual? After all, I remember the time I first saw a lightbulb, and I know things about the demon world that even the Council of Watchers doesn't know." He took his glasses off and cleaned them on a corner of his napkin. "And I've realised what I can do to be useful, what no one else can do. Help you do your job."

"You want to be my Watcher?" said Buffy, mesmerised by the idea.

Spike glared at her. "No, I want to be your live-in boyfriend. I'm not planning to ponce around spouting exposition and cleaning my glasses." He lifted one eyebrow and looked down at his napkin. He put his glasses back on. "That's a really contagious tick, you know. Been spending way too much time with Giles. Anyway, yes, I can help with the research, and a little bit of the fighting, but more to the point, I can help with your finances. With my dusty college degree, I can probably blag my way into some pretty good jobs, and then I can support you and Dawn. You wouldn't have to work anymore."

"So what do I get to do? Stay at home and knit?" exclaimed Buffy.

"You get to be the Slayer," said Spike patiently. "Let's face it, Buffy, you're wasting your time answering phone calls. That's not your calling. You save the world. If you don't have to worry about money, you can concentrate on that. You can get another job, something that pays less, perhaps, but that's more congenial. Maybe you can get a grant to go back to college, even."

"And what do you get out of this?"

"The satisfaction of being useful, helping you do one of the most important jobs in the world," said Spike proudly. "And the boyfriend stuff, obviously, if that works out. Which it should do, considering the amount of pain we've had to go through to get this far." He tilted his head to look at her. "What do you think?"

"I think it's a good idea. A generous idea too." She frowned. "But I don't really need the money. Well, you can contribute to bills and stuff, because that's useful, but you don't have to support me like that." She handed back the envelope. "You can buy me something nice, or pay the phone bill, yeah?"

Spike looked hurt and puzzled; he got up to put the envelope back on the sideboard. "Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"It's no offence, it's just--" Buffy sighed. "Boy, we're really having problems this evening, huh? I try to give you sex, you try to give me money... I guess you want the sex and I want the money; just not out of the blue like that." She frowned as something occurred to her. "Wait a minute. You have a social security card? I thought that was just for Americans."

Spike laughed and pulled an American passport from the drawer beside him. He sat at the table again and handed it to her. "Had it made last spring. Just a whim; didn't really fancy travelling to Africa on a banana boat, so I thought I'd fly there legit."

"You flew to Africa?" Buffy thought back on an old conversation with Angel. "I thought vampires didn't fly."

"Only the ones who are afraid of flying," said Spike with an evil grin. He knew exactly who she was thinking about.

"Why didn't you get a British passport?" she asked, trying to change the subject.

Spike looked at her as if that was the silliest question he'd ever heard. "Well, for some obscure reason, it's a lot easier to get an American passport in the U.S. than a British one." His expression became more serious. "Thought I might need it if I got what I wanted over there."

Buffy opened the passport and looked at the last page. Her heart missed a beat when she saw the photograph. It had clearly been taken when Spike was still a vampire; his pale skin and peroxide hair faded into the white background, making his scowling dark eyebrows and the shadows on his sunken cheeks stand out in sharp, sinister angles. He was glowering at the camera, his expression full of anger and impatience. This was the face of the creature that had tried to rape her.

Buffy raised her eyes to look at Spike's human face. The weight he had put on had softened the angles of his features, and the dark hair made him look almost ordinary, but he was still the same man. Just as she was the same person as that carefree fifteen-year-old whose smile beamed down from a photograph on the wall. The same person, only older and wiser.

"Not the greatest picture, eh, pet?" said Spike, his eyes downcast. "Still, guess it serves as a before and after thing. Little reminder of what I was. In case I ever forget."

"It's okay," said Buffy, reaching out to take his hand. "At least I know I've seen you at your worst. You've seen me at mine. If we still want each other, it's got to mean something, right?"

A wicked grin illuminated Spike's features. "Yeah, we can't resist our hormones." He squeezed her hand. "I'm glad the others didn't come after all. I get to be all suave and gentlemanly, and you get to eat my crap cooking. Perfect evening."

"Yeah." Buffy sipped her wine. "What I don't get is since when are my friends so interested in us getting together?"

"I don't know," said Spike. "They're probably tired of listening to me talking about you. I think I've bored them all into the ground."

Buffy wasn't sure she liked the sound of that. "You talked to my friends about me?"

"Only in the vaguest possible terms, don't worry," he assured her, raising a calming hand. "It's quite amusing how different their advice was. Xander thinks we should hold off any kind of commitment until we're both absolutely sure it's what we want. Willow thinks we should seize the day and go for it while we still can. Giles thinks you and I may just be getting mature enough for a relationship, but that we should take it slow. I only mentioned it to Dawn once, and she pretended she didn't really care, so I'm not sure what her advice is."

"Wow. Loads of options." Buffy frowned. "I guess Giles is probably the person we should listen to, though."

"Probably. Though it's a bit like getting sex ed from a Catholic priest," said Spike with a grin. "Actually, Giles and Willow are the ones who persuaded me to talk to you about all this. I'd thought about it; just needed a bit of prodding to do it." He sighed. "I don't know. I think we should just play it by ear. If the hormones get too much, we have sex; otherwise, we can just take things one step at a time. It's a blessing in disguise, really. Rushing things didn't work out too well last year."

"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that," said Buffy.

Spike looked amused. "Takes two to tango, pet." He looked down at his plate. "I know I've cut you out since I came back, Buffy. I haven't felt that I could confide in you, burden you with my problems. Thing is, when I became human again, I realised I had to be my own man before I could be your boyfriend. Otherwise when you fall, you'll just drag me with you, and I want to be the one who pulls you up again. Don't want to push you in further like I did before."

"If we're talking drowning metaphors, I'd say you were more like a lifebelt." Buffy stared into his blue eyes in the flickering candlelight. "But I don't need saving anymore, and I'm glad you're your own man." She lowered her eyes. "I like the man you are."

"I like you too." Spike lifted her hand to his lips. "Don't worry, pet, we haven't come this far to fail now."

-5-

"I think the books are quite good," Spike was saying. "Okay, so the chap has obviously heard about witches, vampires and demons, and made up a complete fantasy, but what I've read so far is fun."

"Actually, J.K. Rowling is a woman," said Dawn, reaching for the rice. "And I think it would be way cool to really have a Hogwarts. I could totally have gone there when I was Harry Potter's age."

"You couldn't totally have gone there because you didn't exist when you were Harry Potter's age," said Buffy with amusement. She glanced at all her friends assembled around the dinner table, seized with a sudden doubt. "He's younger than fourteen, right?"

Willow nodded, though she looked annoyed. "Harry Potter is a total misrepresentation of witchcraft! Now kids think it's all owls and magic wands." She shook her head. "You won't get very far if you think all you need to do is wave a wand to cast a spell."

"Yes, I hear black eyeballs are all the rage in modern witchcraft," said Spike, winking at her. He poured some more wine for everyone except Dawn. It was their second bottle of the evening. "I take it you don't have an opinion on Harry Potter, Rupert?"

"Well, I feel that there's nothing wrong with a little entertainment," said the former Watcher. "Even if it is a little misrepresentative. You don't see me up in arms every time the villain in an American movie happens to have a British accent."

"Exactly. We all know villains never have British accents," said Xander, grinning at Spike. "Anyway, I vote in favour of letting Harry Potter be." He raised his glass. "We're here to say goodbye to a completely different Englishman with glasses. And one who isn't even a villain."

They all turned to Giles, who looked as if he couldn't decide whether to clean his glasses or lift his own glass of wine. He chose the latter.

"Well, er, I'm sorry to be leaving -- again. But I do have business in England, and--" He smiled at Buffy. "--I think you'll all do fine without me."

"Yeah," said Spike with a hint of sarcasm. "At least this time, you're right."

"Spike will take care of me," said Buffy lightly.

She knew the two Englishmen had recently argued over Giles' abrupt departure the previous year, and she didn't want a replay at her dinner party. Although Buffy had meant her remark about Spike to be a joke, she noticed that Dawn gave her a strange look, as if she had just declared her undying love for him. Buffy glared back at her little sister; it wasn't as if there would be anything wrong with her declaring love for Spike.

Buffy looked at Spike, sitting at her side, pouring wine for her friends, and realised there was something she needed to tell him. Now wasn't the time to be thinking about her personal feelings, though; she turned her attention back to what Giles was saying.

"Yes, I'm sure Spike will take good care of you," said Giles, looking at the two of them. "As will all your friends, of course. As always." He gave into temptation this time, and cleaned his glasses. "I realise that leaving last year wasn't such a wise move. But things have changed. I made a mistake then, but that doesn't mean I am necessarily making one now. For one thing, I am already planning to return for Buffy's birthday next year. The circumstances of my departure are different this time; it's most likely the outcome will be too."

Spike turned to smile at Buffy. Perhaps, like her, he was hoping that the outcome of their rekindled relationship would be different this time as well.

Xander drove Giles back to his hotel shortly after dinner, though Willow stayed a little longer to help with the aftermath of the party. After clearing the table, Spike and Dawn settled down to watch a rerun of Friends, leaving the women to deal with the dishes. The two friends discussed Buffy's boring job and Willow's efforts to give up smoking, and engaged in some speculation about how long Xander and Amrita would last together.

"Speaking about couples that never give up-- You and Spike seem to be closer these days," remarked Willow as she dried the last plate. She smiled at Buffy's surprised look. "I saw you two; exchanging furtive looks and secret smiles. It's kind of obvious when you know what you're looking for."

"Obvious? To whom?" Buffy wasn't sure she liked that. Things that were 'obvious' when she didn't mean them to be were usually things out of her control.

"Only to those of us who know already," Willow reassured her. "Which is just, well, everyone. Except perhaps Dawn. She seemed kinda like 'don't wanna hear it' when I tried to talk to her. But I guess she gets on okay with Spike." She nodded in the direction of the living room. "Now we've all gotten to know the new Spike, I guess we've decided he's a suitable kind of guy. We're really happy for you, you know. Even Giles."

"Glad you approve," said Buffy with a hint of sarcasm, though she was pleased that her friends liked Spike. Although she didn't need their approval if she wanted a relationship with a man she liked, it was good to know she wouldn't have to choose between him and her friends.

"I have to go," said Willow, checking her watch. "I have classes in the morning, and I swear this nicotine patch is making me sleepy. I thought they were meant to make you all awake and bouncy!"

Spike was alone in the living room when Buffy came to join him after Willow left. He explained that Dawn had decided to make a mega important, extremely urgent phone call to one of her friends she would be seeing all day the next day.

"You okay, pet?" he asked when she sat down beside him. He took her hand and gave it a comforting squeeze.

"Why wouldn't I be okay?" asked Buffy with a shrug. She laced her fingers with Spike's. "If you're talking about Giles, it's not the first time he has left."

"Well, first time it happened, you started shagging me." Spike grinned at her, his eyes still shining from the wine he had drunk. "Just thought I'd check how you were doing. Might be dangerous, you see."

Buffy laughed. "You're afraid I'm going to 'shag' you again?"

"Oh, yes. Keeps me awake at night." He frowned as if it were a terrible thing. "I keep having these nightmares where I get my mojo back and we spend the whole night naked, just--"

He interrupted himself abruptly and let go of Buffy's hand when Dawn came in, still holding the phone, though she didn't seem to be talking on it. Perhaps she was waiting for her friend on the other end to come back from whatever she was doing. Buffy remembered having similar disjointed conversations with Willow at Dawn's age.

"Anyone want a Popsicle?" asked Dawn, the receiver glued to her ear.

"A Popsicle?" repeated Spike. "You just had dinner, what on Earth do you want a Popsicle for? Those things aren't good for you, you know. They'll rot your teeth."

"Okay, Dad," said Dawn sarcastically. "You want one; Buffy?"

"Sure," she said; she was in the mood for something sweet, even if it wasn't good for her.

Dawn stuck her tongue out at Spike and went to get Popsicles for herself and her sister. The person she was phoning apparently said something interesting just when she brought the ice creams back to the living room.

"Oh wow! That is so cool," exclaimed Dawn. She all but threw the Popsicle at Buffy and rushed out of the room to continue her conversation upstairs.

Their romantic mood spoiled by Dawn's interruption, Spike started flicking through the channels, and Buffy sucked on her ice cream while she read the TV Guide to work out if there was anything on.

After a moment, she realised that Spike was watching her instead of the TV. She pulled the ice cream out of her mouth to ask him why, but then noticed the leer on his face. Strawberry Popsicle in her mouth; yeah, she could see where his mind was going. The wine had obviously removed some of his inhibitions.

Putting on a falsely innocent air, Buffy sucked the ice cream back in, before twirling her tongue around the top and up the sides. Spike's grin grew dirtier, his eyes glued to the movement of her lips and tongue up and down the Popsicle. When Buffy was sure she had his full attention, she bit the top off. Spike laughed.

"You saucy mare." He leaned forward to kiss her, tasting the strawberry ice cream on her mouth, then pulled her towards him.

Buffy turned so that her back was resting against his chest. While she was making herself comfortable, Spike leaned over her shoulder and gulped down the rest of her Popsicle in one go.

"Hey! I was eating that," protested Buffy. She pouted. "You bastard, you weren't interested in me at all. You just wanted my ice cream!"

"Well, yeah," he said, as if it were obvious. "Anyway, I thought couples were supposed to share everything."

"No, that's married couples. We're just-- a couple who don't have to share everything."

She laughed when he pretended to bite her neck, then leaned back in his arms and tried to take the remote from him. They wrestled for it briefly, but Buffy won in the end. It was true, she realised as she cycled through the channels; they were a couple now. Not some kind of freak show, or an abomination full of violence and despair -- a normal couple. Admittedly, they were a 'normal' couple where one partner had superhuman strength and the other was one hundred and fifty years old. But hey, this was Sunnydale.

"Tell me something, pet," asked Spike when Buffy muted the sound on a particularly obnoxious advertisement. "When did you decide you'd like to jump me? You know, before you actually did."

Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I always thought you were kind of hot..."

"Let me guess, you felt my hard-on during a fight and thought 'yeah, I'll have some of that'?" asked Spike with a chuckle.

"No!" Buffy sat up and turned to face him, offended at the suggestion. "I-I mean, I did feel that you were kind of enjoying the fights like that too. But it wasn't all about your dick. I just thought you were a hot guy who was the last person on Earth I should be involved with." Least said about it, the better, really; that was all in the past. On the other hand, her curiosity was a little piqued. "What about you?"

Spike gave her a sexy look. "Oh, I decided I wouldn't mind a poke the very first time I saw you."

"Decided you wouldn't 'mind a poke'?" Buffy slapped his knee. "That's gross."

"I was evil, remember?" he said with a laugh. His expression softened. "You were dancing with your mates at the Bronze, shaking your cute little booty like nobody's business. You were one hot Slayer." Spike shook his head and ran his hand through his curly hair. "Blimey, you were Dawn's age! I feel like a dirty old man." His face twisted into an evil grin. "Mind you, just think what that makes Angel!"

"Don't worry, I was never Dawn's age. More like sixteen going on forty with everything that was going on," said Buffy. "What is it with you and Angel anyway?"

"You really don't want to know."

Buffy decided to take him at his word. "It's weird how things change," she said. She leaned against him again and Spike started gently stroking her stomach. "Back then, I would have done anything to be with Angel. Now, I don't even know what I saw in him." She shrugged. "I think about my future, and I can't imagine being with anyone but you."

Spike didn't say anything, though his hand stopped moving. Buffy snuggled up to him, silently encouraging him to touch her, and after a moment's hesitation, Spike took the hint and started stroking her front again. Buffy closed her eyes and arched her back when his hand moved up to cup her breasts. Spike kissed her neck; his breath was warm and heavy. One hand snaked into her pants, finding its way down to her panties. Buffy's breathing was also becoming laboured; her eyes snapped open when she realised just how much Spike wanted her...

"Do you want to go upstairs?" he whispered.

The sexy tone of his voice seemed to affect her ability to speak. "Yeah," was all she could muster.

Buffy sat on the edge of the bed and watched Spike lighting candles around the master bedroom. There was no noise from Dawn's room; Buffy hoped she was asleep. She exchanged a polite smile with Spike when he came to sit beside her. Despite their affair the previous winter, and their close encounter the week before, Buffy felt awkward and self-conscious, as if they had never made love before. Thinking about it, she realised they never had. Their trysts had always been about passion, not affection.

In an effort to break the awkward mood, Buffy reached out to stroke Spike's face, caressing his jaw and cheekbones. He leaned into her touch and kissed her palm, his eyes half-closed. Buffy moved closer, and they shared a brief kiss before Spike drew back to look into her face, his features filled with adoration. She remembered a time when she had hated that look; it had reminded her of the horrible person she believed she was, and proved that Spike was not the evil thing she believed him to be. But now, the look felt different. It made Buffy happy to know that he still adored her after everything they had been through. Something had changed in her, too; something she needed to tell him tonight.

Buffy kissed Spike again. The caress of his tongue against hers sent shivers down her spine and into her womb.

When they broke the kiss, Spike placed his glasses on the bedside table and pulled off his sweater in one graceful movement. Buffy couldn't help smiling; his hair was now standing up in unruly curls. Sparse dark hairs peppered his pectorals in uneven little patches, and his chest was covered in alternating streaks of pale and light-brown skin, where his uneven sunburn had faded into stripes. But to Buffy, Spike looked beautiful.

Spike smoothed his hair back self-consciously, then gave Buffy a sexy, confident smile. He leaned towards her, resting his weight on his lean, muscular arms. They kissed again, and Buffy stroked his chest, tracing the contours of his irregular suntan down to the waistband of his jeans. A flicker of fear crossed his face, and she withdrew. But then he smiled and caught her hand, pulling it back to the hard bulge in his pants. Buffy watched his face as she stroked him, feeling her own desire mounting when he closed his eyes and groaned. Overcome by the tenderness she felt for him, she kissed his face and neck until he opened his eyes again.

They stared at each other for a moment, serious and out of breath. Then Spike grinned and raised his eyebrows invitingly. Buffy responded with an encouraging smile. They lunged at each other, falling back onto the bed and tearing at their remaining clothes.

When they were both entirely naked, Buffy slipped one arm around Spike's neck, pulling him down on top of her. She parted her legs, wrapping them around his narrow hips, rubbing herself against him. It wasn't the most subtle invitation, but after all these weeks of waiting, she wanted him too much to wait any longer. Despite the obvious invitation, Spike hesitated, pulling back to search her face.

"Hmm?" he murmured.

"Hmm!" she responded with a smile.

Spike let out an unmanly whimper and pushed inside her, his eyes closing as a look of bliss fell on his handsome features. Buffy clutched his shoulders and let out a low moan. God, she'd actually forgotten how good it felt to have a man inside her. Spike was a perfect fit to stimulate her just the right way.

His eyes fluttered open when Buffy moaned again. Spike was moving his hips slowly, his expression unsmiling, almost pained, as if he were working hard to make the moment last, more intent on Buffy's pleasure than his own. But this wasn't the time for hard work; Buffy wanted Spike to be enjoying his recovered prowess, not worrying about her. She smiled wickedly and grabbed his ass, encouraging him to move faster. Spike grinned and shook his head as if to say what a tease she was, but then he kissed her and complied, thrusting harder, his eyes locked on hers.

This was exactly what she wanted. Buffy leaned her forehead against Spike's, her arms around his neck, her legs locked around his hips. His heart was thumping wildly and his skin was covered in a thin sheet of sweat. His thrusts were getting even harder, hammering into Buffy and making her moan with pleasure. God, if he just kept this up a little bit longer--

"Oh," he groaned, burying his face in Buffy's shoulder. "Oh, bugger."

He sounded disappointed; Buffy laughed and kissed his neck. His penis was still inside her, and her arms and legs still wrapped around him. Now she had him, she would never let go. As soon as she relaxed her hold, though, Spike rolled off onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, looking out of breath and not very pleased. Buffy couldn't help feeling a little disappointed that he seemed more interested in the ceiling than in her.

"Bloody hell," he exclaimed. He gave Buffy a worried look. "What was that? Ten seconds?"

"Oh, no, it was at least fifteen," she teased.

Spike gave her a sheepish smile. "The fifteen second marathon. God, I'm knackered." He yawned. "I'm going to drop off any minute now. Blimey, I can see why you dumped the Cowboy. And why I was such an appealing proposition when I was a vampire. Humans must be lousy lovers." He closed his eyes and grinned. "Still, on the plus side, I know you won't be using me just for sex."

"That's not funny," admonished Buffy. In the dim light of the flickering candles, she rested her head on Spike's shoulder and unburdened her soul. "I wasn't attracted to you because you were a vampire, Spike. I could have had any number of soulless fiends, but I wanted you. The guy who had hot chocolate with my Mom, who looked out for my baby sister, who helped me when he didn't need to, and loved me when I didn't deserve it. I did everything I could to push you away, because you were a vampire, and I couldn't stand it if I had to-- If things turned out like they did with Angel. And then, when I thought I'd finally pushed you to the end of your endurance, you came back human. So it isn't about orgasms or stamina, Spike. It's about you."

Buffy hesitated. Once the words were spoken, there would be no turning back. She had kept them locked away for years, to be used only when she was sure.

"Spike, I love you," she whispered.

Spike didn't answer. Buffy lifted her head, puzzled by his lack of reaction to her declaration. Looking at his face, she realised that he was asleep, sprawled half on top of the covers, his black hair mussed. He was the first man she had said those words to since Angel, and he was asleep? He looked so cute, though, that Buffy's irritation melted. She yawned and snuggled up to him again, closing her eyes. She was sure he would have a more appropriate reaction when he was awake.

-6-

Something was making an annoying ringing noise. It sounded a lot like Dawn's alarm clock, except it was very loud and seemed to be coming from a different direction than usual. As she drifted further out of sleep, Buffy realised it was Dawn's alarm, as heard from the master bedroom instead of her own. She opened her eyes and found herself nose to nose with a sleeping Spike. As she watched him, his long-lashed eyes fluttered open and he smiled at her.

"Hello, love."

Buffy smiled back. "Hi."

"Oh, bloody hell." He lay on his back and rubbed his eyes. "I fell asleep while you were talking, didn't I? You were saying nice things about me, too." He leaned towards her. "Want to give me a rerun?"

Buffy pretended to think about that. "No. You had to be there the first time." Spike pouted comically, and Buffy laughed. "It wasn't that great. Just a speech about why I liked you when you were a vampire."

She traced an indistinct pattern on Spike's shoulder before kissing it. His skin radiated warmth and sweaty smells which should have been gross, but made Buffy feel very sensuous. She had seen a thing on TV where scientists proved that men and women could pick genetically-compatible mates by the smell of their sweat. So much for humans being superior to animals.

Buffy wasn't sure whether it was her scent or just her mere presence, but Spike seemed just as pleased to see her as she was to be with him. He slid one arm over her body to lower himself onto her, and placed a series of kisses on her face and neck, working his way down under the covers. Buffy smiled and arched her back in anticipation; this was one area where Spike's prowess would be irrelevant.

He had just started sucking on one of her nipples when Buffy heard noise from Dawn's room. Her sister was evidently up and lumbering around her bedroom with all the grace of a hippopotamus. Spike continued his ministrations for a moment, then crawled back out from under the covers, shooting a dark look at Dawn's door. His hair was a mess; Buffy ran both hands through it to smooth it down. She was beginning to understand why he was so fond of brilliantine in his vampire days.

"I guess it's time to get up," she said with a sigh.

"Hmm." As unwilling to give up this tender moment as she was, Spike kissed her, his hands running over her body and in between her legs as if he were trying to memorise each detail. But in the end, he pulled away again.

"Yes, time to get up. I have an interview this morning." He kissed her nose. "Why don't you hop into the bathroom, and I'll go downstairs and get some breakfast? Dawn won't notice a thing."

Buffy observed his face a moment, to see if he being sarcastic. After all, he had spent the better part of their affair earlier that year bugging her to tell her friends about them. But for now, he seemed content to keep things quiet. She nodded her agreement. It was all right for the rest of the Scoobies to guess about their relationship; but she wanted to tell Dawn herself.

Spike kissed her again and sat on the edge of the bed. Buffy watched the movement of the muscles in his back as he pulled on his jeans. He really did have a beautiful back. She sighed when he covered it with a T-shirt and left.

Buffy stretched and reflected on how happy she felt. The sex had been brief and furtive, and a light pain in her head told her that the wine she had drunk had left her with a little hangover, but it felt good to wake up in a warm bed and find her lover lying beside her. Still, dressing to be done, food to be eaten, work to go to... She sat up and felt an unfamiliar, unpleasant sensation between her legs. Something occurred to her which made her look down with horror.

"Oh, no."

Spike and Dawn were in the kitchen when Buffy came down a little later, fully dressed and showered. Her sister was eating cereal, but Spike was busy cooking something.

"I'm frying some eggs," he explained when Buffy asked. "Okay, so it's more like scrambled eggs. Or an omelette without any other things in it. You want some, nibblet?"

"Um, no thanks," said Dawn, carrying her cereal bowl to the sink. "Two breakfasts is just decadent."

She gave Spike a funny look when he laughed, and then walked past Buffy to get her stuff. Despite their party the previous night, and Giles' departure later that afternoon, it was still a school and work day. Buffy yawned and wondered why Giles couldn't have left on a Sunday, like any civilised person would. It would have given her a chance to recover from her mini hangover. Not to mention spend more time in bed with a warm, smelly Spike. The smelly part made her smile until she remembered she had more important things to worry about.

Spike served up two portions of his fried eggs and handed one plate to Buffy, who was still deep in thought.

"Here you go, my love," he said brightly. "Another Spike special."

"Thanks." Buffy looked at the food; she really wasn't an egg person, and the brown mess on her plate wasn't very appetising. Still, she picked up the fork and bravely tucked in.

Spike gobbled down his own egg and helped himself to a bowl of cereal with a whole banana. Although she was looking down at her plate, Buffy could feel his eyes on her.

"Bloody hell," he said. "I know that look."

"Look? What look?" she raised her eyes to his, but now, he was the one staring at his plate. "I don't have a look."

"Yes, you do." He drank his cup of tea in one go. "It's the time-honoured 'Oh my God, I've had sex with Spike' look." He took a deep breath and continued in a low voice, his eyes still downcast, but his expression determined. "Guess now you've had time to think about it, you think last night was a mistake. Too much wine, bit of telly, Giles leaving-- Familiar story. I understand. It's okay, you don't have to explain."

Buffy shook her head and reached out for his hand. "Yes, we made a mistake, but it wasn't--"

"Spike, don't forget your interview." Buffy withdrew her hand; Dawn was standing in the doorway to the kitchen. "You said you'd run me to school on the way, remember?"

Spike was visibly upset, but nodded and got up. "Yeah, nearly forgot. I'd better get some clothes on."

He ran out and stomped up the stairs. Buffy put down her fork, ready to run after him and explain, but found Dawn blocking her path.

"So did you sleep with Spike?" she asked, still standing in the doorway with her arms crossed. She rolled her eyes when Buffy didn't answer. "I heard moaning. Plus, I kinda heard what Spike said just now."

Buffy's heart sank. She wasn't ready for this; it was too early. Things were already too complicated, and the headache seemed to be getting worse. "Dawn--"

"You don't want to talk about it," said Dawn flatly. "You're shacked up with the abusive ex you used to abuse, and you don't want to tell me anything. Gee, colour me surprised."

"I thought you got on okay with Spike now," said Buffy, confused by Dawn's cold attitude.

Dawn looked towards the stairs; her stern demeanour softened a little. "Yeah, I guess. But 'getting on okay' isn't the same as being involved with a guy who tried to rape me. I don't have a problem with Spike. I know he's changed, and he's an okay kind of guy. But you and him? I don't get it." She looked at Buffy as if she were some kind of freak. "I don't understand how you can have sex with him after he tried to rape you!"

"You know it was never that simple. And we've both changed now."

"Oh, so that can never happen again," said Dawn sarcastically. "You're never going to get depressed and hit him. He'll never snap and try to force you if you break up with him." Dawn shook her head. "You sound like those abused girls they always show on TV, who think everything will be different just because the guy says so. It's still you and him. I bet you never thought you'd end up using Spike for sex and beating him unconscious before it happened. How do you know you won't do it again?"

"Because I love him," said Buffy quietly. Dawn's expression changed from anger to confusion. "I know that's a lame excuse, but it does make a difference. Last year, I couldn't. Now that I can, everything is --"

"Different?" Dawn smiled more sympathetically. "I guess if you're really in love..."

"Oh, this is real," said Buffy with conviction. "More real than it's ever been. I guess sometimes, you have to make a leap of faith and trust that things will be okay." She leaned against the breakfast bar. "I don't know how things will turn out, Dawn. I can't be sure things won't go wrong some day. But then I guess you never can. All I know is that I love Spike and he loves me, and we trust each other to get it right this time."

She looked towards the doorway as she heard Spike coming back down the stairs. When he entered the kitchen, he was clean-shaven and wearing a suit, and looking so handsome with his polished glasses and combed hair that Buffy had no doubt he would get the job instantly. She took a step forward, driven by a sudden impulse to kiss his cheek, or straighten his collar, or do one of those other stereotypical things women did to show that this was the man they loved. But Spike turned to Dawn instead.

"Come along, little bit," he said. "We need to get started now. Takes ages for that Yugo to warm up. I'll pick you up later, Buffy."

He gave her what was no doubt meant to be a confident, friendly smile, but which just made him look unhappy and frightened. So much for mutual trust, thought Buffy as she watched them leave. Spike really seemed to think she wanted to break up with him. Buffy now trusted Spike not to hurt her, but he apparently didn't trust her not to break his heart. She had woken up that morning thinking her life was finally going well. But no, life just kept right on sucking. Only this time, she was going to fight back.

Now would be a good time for the fighting back, thought Buffy when she got into the Yugo that afternoon. She fastened her seatbelt and turned to Spike, determined to air all the problems that were troubling her, but he interrupted her before she could speak.

"You can spare me the speech," he said as he manoeuvred the car into the traffic. "I know what you're going to say, and I really don't want to hear it again. Had enough of that last year, and behaved like a right prat. And worse." He shook his head. "So you don't have to say anything, and we'll get back to normal, yeah? Pretend it never happened."

Buffy felt a rush of anger. "You still think I'm breaking up with you?"

"There's an up to break?" Spike was watching the road, but his knuckles turned white as his hands gripped the steering wheel. There was still something of the hot-headed vampire in him after all. "Look, pet, you've had your poke and found out I'm not up to snuff anymore. It's all right. I'll survive."

"You know, Spike. You can be incredibly annoying. And crude. And irritating and immature. And..." Buffy sighed and rolled her eyes. "You have faults coming out of your ears, and I know every last one of them. And yet, in spite of all that, I know you're a good man, and... I love you."

Buffy looked over at him. Please don't let him say anything smart, she prayed. He didn't. Spike obviously hadn't heard her tell him she loved him the previous night. He was staring at her with that look of wonder on his face, the one he had had when she re-invited him into her home before her death, and when he first saw her after her resurrection. One that would have got them killed had they not been stuck in a traffic jam near the high school.

"Guess you've been waiting a couple of years to hear that," she said, unnerved by his silence.

"More like 120." Spike swallowed, turning his attention back to the road. "I mean, I suspected...hoped... You really think I'm a good man?"

"Yes," said Buffy. "An annoying and really crude one, but I guess you have to take the bad with the good. And--" She looked around. "I can't believe I'm doing this in a Yugo. I had this great speech I gave you last night, in bed, after we made love, with all the candles around us, just perfect, and you fell asleep! And the only time I get when you're awake and paying attention is when we're stuck in a Sunnydale traffic jam in a rusty Yugo!"

Spike observed her for a moment, then looked around at the clean, but decrepit interior of the Yugo. "You really don't like this car, do you?"

"I've been in better ones," she said emphatically. Then she gave Spike a rueful smile. "But it's okay. I don't love you for your car."

Spike leaned forward; Buffy met him halfway to kiss him. They had no sooner parted than the back door opened and Dawn jumped in. She had apparently decided she wouldn't wait for the car to crawl up the road to the high school. Her arrival put an end to any romantic conversation, though Buffy still felt as though she was on a little cloud. Spike looked so happy that she half expected him to burst into song.

"How did the interview go?" she asked, when a few minutes' reflection finally yielded a topic they could discuss in front of Dawn.

"Okay, I think. But I'm not quite sure why they thought I was a good candidate to run their Windows 2000 network when all I've used is a Macintosh, so I don't think I've got the job."

"This is Sunnydale," said Buffy with a shrug. "Don't forget that my boss thought I would be perfect for giving out loan advice."

She smiled at Spike, pleased to see that her little declaration had completely shaken off the broody, insecure mood he had been in that morning. That reminded her why she had put him into that mood in the first place; her smile faded as Spike continued.

"If I haven't got the job, Xander said I could work with him. They always need labourers, and I'm good at knocking down houses." His expression became more serious. "At least, I used to be."

"You still are," said Buffy guardedly, aware that Dawn was hanging on their every word. "You just need a little practice. And... maybe some... tools."

"Tools? I can get tools" Spike grinned at her. "You think tools will help?"

"Sure. But not complicated tools. Simple... tools."

"Guys," said Dawn, leaning forward in the backseat. "I don't know exactly what you're talking about, but I do know an innuendo when I hear one, so knock it off!"

The farewells at the airport were brief and unemotional. Giles embraced Buffy and the other girls, then shook hands with Spike and Xander, and he was gone. Again. The remaining Scoobies congregated at the Summers house for an evening of pizza and mindless entertainment; it wasn't until Buffy dragged him out on patrol that she had an opportunity to really talk to Spike.

They walked side by side through the old cemetery, holding hands in the moonlight that filtered through the trees. Moonlight, a light breeze, the man she loved by her side... fledgling vamps to dispatch along the way. A perfect romantic evening.

"So, you think I should try using a dildo on you?" said Spike out of the blue.

Buffy sighed; for a man who could be so romantic when he wanted to, Spike sure knew how to kill the mood. "Yeah, maybe we can discuss that later."

"You suggested it," he said defensively. He let go of her hand and sighed. "I'm sorry I'm not up to my old standards, pet. I knew it would be different, but I didn't think it would be that bad."

He really did sound sorry; Buffy put her arm around him, leaning her head on his shoulder. It was an awkward position for walking, so they stopped by the Alpert crypt. Buffy smoothed the lapels of Spike's coat and looked up at him.

"Spike. Don't worry about the sex. It was your first time in months, and I guess I kinda didn't help." She frowned. "I was surprised you got better so quickly. After what happened in the bathroom..."

"Well, your little bit of pop psychology did provide me with some nice new visuals." He swept her body with a sexy glance, then tilted his head to observe her more seriously. "I was afraid-- of you, of me. Then you told your friends I'd take care of you. Said you could imagine spending the rest of your life with me. That meant something." He bit his lip and toyed with one of the buttons on her coat. "You think I'm a good man?"

"Yes." Buffy got the feeling that meant a lot to him.

Spike leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Is it okay if I'm a naughty man too?"

Buffy laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck to kiss his cheek. Spike lifted her up and pinned her to the wall, among the ivy that grew up the side of the crypt. As she parted her legs and kissed him, Buffy had a vague memory of wanting wedding photographs in this spot, a lifetime ago. But right now, she was more interested in how they would get their clothes off without freezing to death.

Spike solved part of the problem by slipping his hand into Buffy's pants. She ground herself against his fingers as they slipped in and out of her, letting out little moans into Spike's coat. He was watching her intently, licking his lips, his blue eyes boring into her, clouded with desire. She grasped his collar and kissed every part of him she could reach. He rubbed her harder, until her moans were becoming cries. God, every vamp in the cemetery could probably hear her by now. That thought only seemed to excite her further. She clutched at Spike's clothes as her legs became weak and her body shook.

Still holding her propped up against the wall, Spike removed his hand. He looked at the slime on it with hooded eyes before licking each finger in turn. Buffy watched him, still amazed at how much she wanted him after all this time. There was something she needed to discuss with him, but that could wait. Buffy pulled his head towards her to kiss him hard.

"Pet," murmured Spike, his lips brushing against hers. "If everything is okay between us, why were you so pissed off this morning?"

Ah, yes. The thing she needed to discuss with him. Drawing her face away from Spike's, Buffy frowned to clear her head.

"Yeah, well. It's nothing. It's just that... we had sex --" She straightened up and searched for the right term. "--without protection."

"Oh." Spike's eyes widened as the implication sank in. He took a step back. "Oh, bugger!"

"Yeah. Kinda what I've been thinking since this morning." Buffy lowered her eyes and poked a broken urn with her boot. "I'm sorry, Spike, I just didn't think about it."

"Neither did I." Spike ran his wet hand through his hair; something which would have amused Buffy if they weren't in the midst of a serious conversation. "I've never had sex as a human before, so it just didn't occur to me."

"I should have thought about it," continued Buffy. "I always used a condom with Riley and with all the safe sex messages these days, you'd think-- You never had sex as a human?"

"Didn't even know the facts of life." Spike grinned; the sort of evil smirk he reserved for digs at Buffy's ex-boyfriends. "So on top of everything else, Captain Cardboard was Condom Boy as well? I nearly feel sorry for the chap."

Buffy raised her eyebrows. "You're the chap you should be sorry for. Captain Ex-Peroxide is going to be Condom Boy II."

"Well, okay," said Spike nonchalantly, straightening out Buffy's pants and managing to make her catch her breath at the same time. "Though the old saying about horses, stable doors and bolting comes to mind. No need to wear a condom if you're already up the duff, right?" He glanced at her abdomen with something similar to awe.

"Don't look at me like that," said Buffy, pulling away from Spike and the wall. "I'm not pregnant."

"And you know this because you've been to see a doctor?" asked Spike. Buffy pouted in irritation and didn't answer. "Yeah, thought as much. What's your plan, then, pet; wait a few months and see if you start throwing up? I hate to get all mature on you, but we need to find out for sure." He snapped his fingers at her. "I know, we'll get one of those sticks you piss on! They sell them everywhere."

Buffy sighed. "Great. I cure your problem, and what do I get for my pains? A stick to pee on."

"Beats a nasty rash," said Spike with a chuckle. Buffy gave him a worried look. "Don't worry, love, I got the old Hepatitis and AIDS tests while I was still in Africa. Vampires can't catch diseases off the people they eat, but--" He lowered his eyes. "I ate some pretty sick people." He smiled at Buffy again. "I'm guessing Slayers aren't big on catching lurgies either. So I suppose there's no reason you couldn't go on the Pill."

No, there wasn't. Her concerns about contraception aside, Buffy didn't much like the idea of fumbling with condoms in the midst of a passionate sex session with Spike. Things had been easier with Riley, who always approached sex like something that required a battle plan; even human, Spike was more the type to jump on her in the middle of a patrol. On the other hand, she didn't know what effect the Pill would have on her Slayer powers. And she wasn't sure she was ready for that much commitment.

"There's no reason you can't wear a condom, either," she remarked.

"I suppose not," agreed Spike, wrapping his arm around her waist. After a split second's hesitation, Buffy returned the embrace and they started walking again. "That's all right, pet. It's all part of the human experience."

As they walked through the cemetery, Buffy looked at Spike's chiselled features in the pale moonlight. Sensing that she was about to say something, he stopped and smiled encouragingly.

"What if-- I mean, it won't be. But, you know, what if it is?" Okay, way to go with the totally vague, but Spike understood what she was saying.

"Then I stick around," said Spike without hesitation, his expression serious and determined. "Make an honest woman of you, if you want. Do the Dad thing if you don't. God, Buffy, it--" He bit his lip and looked away, as if the very thought of fatherhood made him choke up. "I can think of worse things to do with my life," was all he said.

Hearing Spike talking about marriage and parenthood with such emotion made Buffy's heart turn over in her chest. She'd had schoolgirl dreams of marrying Angel and the occasional daydream about having kids, but the sudden prospect that if she was pregnant, she could marry Spike and have a normal life was terrifying.

"I-I don't know if I could--" Buffy let go of him and stepped away. "I'm really not ready. Maybe later, but this would be a terrible mistake. I mean, I know my Mom was my age when she married Dad, but she was different, and that didn't turn out so-- And then there's the whole Slayer thing. It really wouldn't be a good idea to-- Spike, I don't think I could go through with it. I can't have a child! I mean I'm the Slayer, I--"

A vamp chose that precise moment to leap out of the bushes with a terrifying snarl, its fangs and yellow eyes glistening in the moonlight. Buffy plunged a stake into its heart and watched it shriek in pain before exploding into dust.

"I kill things," she said, looking up at Spike, hoping he would understand.

He didn't. Spike looked disappointed. Disgusted, too. But then he struggled to regain his composure and held out his arms to her. Buffy felt her eyes fill with tears as she covered the two steps into his embrace. It had started out as a romantic evening and now, she was talking about killing things. Why couldn't anything just stay perfect?

"Shh." Spike hugged her harder and kissed her hair, rocking her gently. "Everyone can kill, love. But creating life is--" He pulled back and brushed her hair off her face. "But maybe we should find out if there's a problem before panicking. Come on, pet, let's get a stick."

This was stupid. Buffy straightened up and looked at the little tube with disgust. They really meant it in Friends when they said you had to pee on the thing; Buffy had expected to piss in a cup or something, not directly on the stick. Still, the deed was done and now all they had to do was wait.

Spike came in from the bedroom before she had time to readjust her clothing.

"Do you mind? Intimate moment here. Jeez!"

"Oh keep your knickers on, Slayer," he said with a good-natured laugh. "It's not like I've never seen you answering the call of nature, you know."

"Okay, I so don't want to know when that happened."

Spike's grin faded. "Hey, desperate lovesick vampire at the time. And those bushes behind the crypt really weren't all that thick."

Buffy scowled at him. It seemed that no matter how rosy their present relationship might seem, the past was determined to hang like a millstone around their necks. But that didn't mean they had to let it. Buffy firmly dismissed her memory of Spike as a lecherous vampire, and concentrated on the man in front of her; Spike the human concerned that he might be a future father.

"So, how long does the miracle stick take?" he asked.

"A few minutes, I think." Buffy placed it on the sink and turned her back on it. She stroked the front of Spike's sweater and looked at him with a teasing grin when a thought occurred to her. "You didn't know the facts of life when you were turned? Where were you living; under a large rock or something?"

Spike looked offended. "Hey, those were more innocent times. I grew up in a household where you really didn't talk about that kind of thing, and my father died before I reached puberty. So no talk about the birds and the bees. Just vague rumours from school. And even then, I was never part of the in-crowd. It wasn't like nowadays when you see people simulating copulation in every bloody program."

"Wow. So that was your first time." The thought filled Buffy's heart with tenderness. "It's weird to think of you being that innocent."

"Oh, I was innocent all right. But then Dru turned up, and hey presto, dirty as the yellow driven snow." He smiled and wiggled his eyebrows. "Still, came in handy when I was trying to keep you interested."

Buffy poked him in the chest. "Don't. That was horrible."

"We wouldn't be here if it hadn't happened though." Spike shrugged. "You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. And I should know!"

"Yeah, I guess you were big with the broken eggs in your time," said Buffy more seriously.

Spike's expression darkened. "Actually, I was referring to that thing I made this morning." He shook his head. "All those deaths; they were meaningless. All I did was pointless evil until I got the chip." He met Buffy's eye. "It's only after that you can say anything I did led to this."

"I'm sorry," said Buffy. "I didn't mean to remind you--"

"Reminders are good, pet. As long as we remember what we did, we'll remember not to do it again. Or something like that. I never was big on the philosophy." He took her in his arms, kissing her forehead. "You know, if it does turn out that you-- and you really don't want to... I won't force you."

"Let's not talk about that."

He smiled and kissed her upturned mouth. It was a slow, tender kiss; they took their time, savouring the moment while they waited for the test to resolve. Shivers ran down Buffy's body as she tasted Spike's tongue and ran her hands under his sweater and along his warm, soft skin. One arm still around her, Spike fumbled in his pocket and pulled out a condom.

"Got a few when we were in the shop," he murmured. "You'll have to show me how..."

Buffy nodded, but put the condom on the sink, beside the test. She looked around the bathroom, trying to find the best location for their tryst. Spike chose for her, sinking to his knees at Buffy's feet, and leaning his back against the side of the bathtub. He gently pulled down her slacks, looking up at her with a sensuality which seemed to increase her arousal, before leaning forward to kiss her. Buffy buried her hands in his hair; he was evidently determined to make up for their brief coupling the previous night. Doing a very good job of it, too.

When she collapsed down onto his lap, still shuddering from the aftershocks of her orgasm, Spike slid two fingers inside her. She looked at him with puzzlement, but he just grinned and kissed her, wriggling his fingers harder until she threw her head back and groaned. Still riding his hand, Buffy reached for the condom. Spike unfastened his jeans and watched with interest as Buffy slipped it onto his erection. When he pulled his hand out from between her legs, it was Buffy's turn to wrap herself around his hard member. They kissed, then stared into each other's eyes as Buffy started to move.

It was like the first time all over again, except that they were safe in Buffy's house. It was like their last encounter before the summer, except that Buffy felt only pleasure at holding Spike in her arms. Fired by his earlier exploration, Buffy could feel another orgasm building up; the look of pride and delight on Spike's face when it washed over her prolonged her pleasure even further. When Spike buried his face in her shoulder, trying to suppress his own cries of ecstasy, Buffy hugged him close and kissed his neck.

"You need to take it off," she said after a short pause, pulling away from him. "Flush it down the toilet."

Spike pulled off the condom and held it up with a comical look of utter disgust. Carrying it with the tips of his fingers, he dropped it in the toilet. Riley had never made such a fuss, Buffy reflected. But then he'd never done her in the bathroom either. Buffy grinned at Spike's back as she pulled on her slacks and stood up to check the stick.

"It's still negative," she said.

Spike picked up the information leaflet that Buffy had dropped beside the toilet. "I'm not surprised," he said with a laugh. "It says here that the earliest you can do the test is one week after conception. Did you actually read these instructions?"

"I guess I was too grossed out by the illustrations," admitted Buffy. She tossed the stick into the trash, feeling very stupid.

"Oh, well, we'll chase up a doctor and see what we need to do," said Spike, still laughing. "It's not the end of the world."

"Yeah." Buffy sighed and leaned against the sink. "That's what really sucks about being a Slayer. You're great when the world is about to end, but crap at everything else."

"I don't think you're crap," said Spike in a soft voice.

Neither said anything for a moment. Buffy put her hands in her pockets and observed Spike across the bathroom.

"If I'm not, you know... I guess it would be good if I went on the Pill," she said. "It'd make things simpler."

"Well, that's up to you, pet." Spike smiled, and then lowered his eyes. "I was serious about the marriage thing, you know."

"You'd marry me because I was pregnant?" asked Buffy.

"No, I'd marry you because I love you, you daft bint."

It occurred to Buffy that this was the first time he had mentioned his own feelings since his return. Maybe the fear that had made him so guarded towards her had finally dissipated. That made Buffy smile; even if she was 'up the duff' as he so elegantly put it, they were going to be okay. After everything they had overcome, she was confident there was nothing they couldn't face together.

Buffy and Spike were standing at opposite ends of the bathroom, but it took only a couple of steps each to bridge the distance between them and meet in the middle.