Chapter 11 - In Pain


Four Months Later


Spike sat at his kitchen table with his head in his hands. Several bottles
of beer littered the surface in front of him as he stared at the phone. The
past few months had been stressful, at best. Buffy had become withdrawn and
distant, repeatedly shutting him out of her life. She had used the excuse
of schoolwork until Christmas break had rolled around. They had spent the
holidays together, joining Giles for dinner and exchanging presents, and
then Buffy had seemed to disappear for a week. On New Year’s Eve, they met
at the Bronze, though not together, and barely even shared a kiss as the
clock struck midnight. Spike felt her rapidly slipping away and was
powerless to stop it.

Now, not even a week later, he drunkenly sat with his cordless phone,
hitting redial every five minutes, trying to get her to come to the phone.
After the twentieth call, give or take, Spike grew angry. Jumping up from
his position, he grabbed his duster and left the apartment, slamming the
door on his way out.

Half an hour later, he was striding up the path to Buffy’s house. Knowing
she was home and also knowing a confrontation would not be a good thing in
the state he was in, Spike raised a hand and banged on the door.

‘At least I had enough sense to not drive,’ he thought as he heard the lock
click and the door open.

Setting eyes on his girlfriend, he felt rage flood through his body. “Where
the bloody hell have you been?!”

Buffy visibly shrank away from the door as he yelled at her. He had never
raised his voice when he was around her, and she could smell the alcohol
radiating from him as he stepped over the threshold and slammed the door
with so much force she thought the glass panes might shatter. At the look
in his eyes, Buffy took another step away from him. She knew that she’d
been blowing him off, and she owed him an explanation, but looking at the
rigid stance he had taken, she decided now was not the best time for a
reasonable talk.

“Spike, let me make you some coffee,” she said in a soothing tone.

“I don’t want your soddin’ coffee, Summers! I want to know what your bloody
problem is!”

“I’m sorry, Spike,” she whispered, looking into his bloodshot eyes. She
couldn’t say anything more than that because she had no good excuse. There
wasn’t anyone else, there wasn’t a valid reason. Buffy knew that she had
all the signs of depression, but she was even unsure about that. If she was
depressed, would she be able to realize that she was depressed? These
thoughts plagued her constantly, and she had knowingly withdrawn from the one person who she knew would care for her. She knew if he realized something
was wrong, he would want to fix it, and she didn’t even think it could be
fixed.

Spike stared into her eyes for a solid minute, as if he was trying to read
what was going on inside of her. “You don’t love me.”

Buffy stared in shock as he uttered the words that had never crossed her
mind. “Spike, of course I do.”

“Then why?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered, quietly looking at the floor.

“Do you still want to be with me, Buffy?” he asked through clenched teeth.

“Spike, please don’t ask me this, right now.”

“Then why don’t I make it real easy for you, Summers?”

Buffy’s head snapped up at the icy tone of his voice, her mouth dropping
open as he headed for the door.

“Spike, where are you going?” Buffy cried as she chased him to the door,
grabbing his sleeve. She cowered as he forcefully jerked his arm away from
her grasp, noticing a slight softening in his features for frightening her,
only to put the cold mask back in place.

“I’m leaving,” he said, pulling the door open. “We’re over, Buffy.”

Buffy felt tears spring to her eyes as he walked out the door. Running to
catch up with him, Buffy chased him down the driveway to the street.
“Spike, don’t leave like this! You don’t mean it…it’s just the alcohol
talking.”

“No!” he yelled, whirling around to face her. “This is me, Buffy. You’re
trying to cut me out of your life? Well, I’m making it real simple for
you.”

Without another word, Spike turned and headed down the street, leaving Buffy
with tears streaming down her face as she stared after him. She tried to
calm herself as he turned the corner, telling herself he would call when he
sobered up, but she couldn’t stop the sob that escaped her throat.

“We’ll work this out,” she said to herself as she walked back to the house,
trying her hardest to sound convincing. So why did she have the feeling
that he meant what he said? And why did she feel like she deserved it?

Chapter 12 - Avoidance


With trepidation, Buffy walked into the Magic Box on Saturday. She had
called in sick for the past week, partly because she couldn’t bear the
thought of seeing Spike since he hadn’t called, and partly because she
was feeling sick at the idea of seeing him again. Willow had dropped by in
the supportive, best friend role and told her that Spike had been working
but was quieter than usual.

Now, as Buffy walked through the door of the Magic Box, she felt a wave of
anxiety wash over her as she surveyed the store. Giles looked up from his spot
at the cash register and smiled as he saw Buffy walking toward him.

“Buffy, you’re feeling better, I presume?”

Buffy gave a light shrug, still looking around the store.

“He isn’t here, Buffy.”

Her head snapped up to meet Giles’ concerned eyes. “You know?”

He nodded as he gave a sympathetic smile to the young girl. “He asked
to be put on opposite shifts.”

Buffy felt her breath catch and had to fight the urge not to retch as
she heard what he said.

‘So it’s really over,’ she thought miserably as she turned away from
the man in front of her. ‘He really doesn’t want to see me anymore and it’s all my fault.’

Buffy quickly made her way to the office to clock in. Closing the door
behind her, she felt tears threaten to spill over. Hearing a knock
on the door, Buffy turned and once again faced Giles' sympathetic face as
he entered.

“Buffy…may I ask what went wrong?”

“Me,” she whispered in a choked voice as she looked at the floor. “It
was me. I, um, I’ve been ignoring him…blowing him off, for the last few
months. I didn’t want him to be depressed by my mood swings, so I thought it
was best that he not be around me. Guess I got my wish, huh?” she asked
with a regretful smile.

Giles didn’t say anything, merely stepped over to her and gave her a
hug. Buffy fought tears again as a man who was closer to her than her own
father offered comfort.

Pulling away, Giles looked down at her. “Buffy, would you like me to
talk to William?”

Buffy shook her head. “No…thank you, but no. I dug my own way in this
mess. I deserve whatever I get.”

“Buffy, that’s not true. You-“

Giles cut himself off as Anya Jenkins swept through to clock in.

“Hello, Giles,” she said cheerfully as she passed him. “Oh, Buffy,
you’re back. You look like death. Are you getting enough sleep? Or sex?
You know, people take for granted the wonders of what a sexual
relationship can do for your appearance. Don’t you agree Giles? Giles?”

Buffy suppressed a smile as Anya turned to the place Giles had been
standing. “I think he slipped out at the first mention of sex.”

“Such a shame,” Anya said with a shake of her head. “You know, I don’t
think he’s getting any these days, either.”

Anya quickly clocked in and started for the door again. “I hope you
clocked in, Buffy. Money is another thing that does wonders for your
appearance. Only it’s for the monetary value of clothes and skin care products that
you can purchase…”

Buffy tuned out Anya’s rambling as they headed back out into the store.
Excusing herself, Buffy walked to the back of the store and began
straightening some of the objects back there, her mind preoccupied
with thoughts of Spike. She felt miserable at the thought of him not even
wanting to be in the same area with her for prolonged amounts of time.

“You really screwed this up, Buff,” she muttered to herself.

* * * * *

The hours dragged on as Buffy looked at the clock.

“Buffy.”

Buffy turned as Giles called her name.

“It’s close enough to three o’clock. Why don’t you go on and head home?”

Buffy gave a brief nod as she went and gathered her coat. Saying
good-bye to Giles and waving to Anya, Buffy decided to go out the back door. If
Spike didn’t want to see her, she may as well make it easier on him.
Adjusting her coat, Buffy stepped through and closed the door at the
same moment the main door opened.

Spike looked around the shop, hoping and dreading that he might run
into Buffy.

“She’s not here.”

Spike jumped at the sound of Anya’s voice to his right. “Who’s that,
luv?”

“Buffy. Don’t play dumb with me, Spike. I know you’re looking for
her, just like I know you’re the reason she was Miss Gloomy-Gus all day
long.”

“So she was here?”

“Just left,” Anya said as she dusted the various items on the front table.
“Went out the back. Guess she knew you didn’t want to see her.”

Spike felt a stab of remorse for obviously adding to Buffy’s misery.
“She said that?”

“No. Didn’t say much of anything really. Just did her work and went
home. She’s not looking well these days.”

Spike looked down at the floor, trying not to feel any more guilt than
he already did. “But she’s okay, right? I mean, she didn’t look…bad?”

“Spike, it’s Buffy. She couldn’t look bad any more than I could.”

Spike had to smile at that.

“But she’s not happy, if that’s what you’re asking. She didn’t even
listen to my stories of the wonderful orgasms that Xander gave me last night.
You know, considering we’ve only been together for a year, we have amazing
sexual chemistry, as if we’ve been together for years.”

“Uh, right. Well…I better get to work,” Spike said, darting across the
store to the office and out of the line of fire that was Anya’s mouth.

“What is with people today?” Anya asked herself.

Chapter 13 - Longing


Over a month went by with no contact from Spike. Giles let her leave
her shift a few minutes early every day, and Spike never bothered to show up
early for his shifts, leaving Buffy to believe that he couldn’t even stand
to look at her.

Her birthday had come and gone unremarkably. Giles had given her the
night off, and Willow, Xander, and Anya had thrown her an impromptu party at
her house, complete with cake and streamers. It was nice but in no way
compared to her nineteenth birthday the previous year, when Spike had
taken her to the beach, and they had made love with the stars overhead and the
waves crashing. It had been one of the most romantic nights of her life, and
when he gave her a diamond eternity band, Buffy had been breathless,
looking at the white gold band, inlaid with tiny diamonds.

Buffy had worn it everyday for the past year. Until her birthday, that is.
When the day passed her by without so much as a card from Spike, she
had taken the beautiful ring off and put it on a silver chain around her neck.
She couldn’t bear to be without it, but it made it easier if she was able
to take it off gradually and not have to look at it every time she signed
her name or the sun caught her hand.

Now, it was the middle of February, and Buffy was closing the Magic Box
for the night. Usually Giles closed the shop, but he had called her
earlier in the day, asking if she could come in for a few hours since he had a
stomach virus. Buffy had readily agreed, though closing the store so late at
night gave her the wiggins. She knew that she couldn’t let Giles down, so
here she was, holding the money bag in her hand and turning out the lights.
Giles had told her not to bother depositing the money in the bank drop box
that night, but Buffy knew she couldn’t leave the weekend receipts in the
older safe that Giles had in the shop. She had insisted that she would be
safe, although the tension in her body told her otherwise.

Buffy turned off the last of the lights and locked the door as she
headed out into the deserted Sunnydale Main Street. She froze when she saw
the black Desoto parked at the curb, it’s owner leaning casually
against it, smoking a cigarette. Buffy inhaled sharply, trying to get her nerves
under control, before turning and walking around the car in the direction of
the bank.

“What are you doing, luv?”

“What I’m paid to do. And don’t call me 'luv'.”

“Alright, Goldilocks.”

Buffy stopped walking, fighting the tears in her eyes at the sound of the name
that was only reserved for her.

“Why are you here?” she asked with a choked voice, not bothering to
turn and face him.

Spike’s expression softened at the strain in her voice. “I came to
give you a lift, lu-Buffy.”

“I’m fine, thanks.”

“It’s not safe out here, pet.”

“It’s not safe with you either,” she said softly.

“Touché,” she heard him mutter under his breath.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy said, turning to face him. “I shouldn’t have said
that. It’s my fault that…it’s my fault.”

Spike stared at her in confusion as she turned and began walking away.
He quickly fell into step beside her, giving her a small smile as she
looked at him. “I’m not letting you walk alone, Buffy. It’s really not safe, and
I think you’ll feel better with Big Bad lookin’ over your shoulder.”

Buffy offered a slight smile at his old high school nickname. She
didn’t say anything as they walked the two blocks to the bank. Quickly
depositing the money, Buffy turned and headed back the way they came from,
listening to Spike’s footsteps slightly behind her. The entire trip was made in
silence as they approached the Desoto again.

“I got a job,” Spike said as they got closer to the car. “Manager of a restaurant.”

Buffy turned to him and offered a half-hearted smile. Spike had been
searching for a job since he graduated UC Sunnydale in the beginning of
December. “That’s great. So you won’t be working here anymore?”

“Nah, I told dad I’d still be helping out with the nightshifts until
the end of the summer. I’m only on days at the restaurant right now.”

“That’s nice,” Buffy said with a nod. Turning toward him as they stood
in front of the store, Buffy offered him a slight smile. “Thanks. Tell
your dad it really wasn’t necessary for me to have an escort.”

“Wasn’t dad’s idea, pet.”

Buffy stared up at him in bewilderment. “So you’re here because…?”

“Because…I don’t like the idea of you closing by yourself.”

Buffy nodded, looking at the ground. “Of course.”

“And because I feel like a complete pillock for ignoring you for the
last month.”

Buffy looked up at him with shimmering eyes. “Really?”

“Just because we’re not together doesn’t mean we can’t talk to each
other…right?”

“Oh, um, yeah, I-I guess.”

Spike saw the flash of disappointment on her face at the mention of
their ‘not together’ status. “Buffy, I-“

“I should be getting home. It’s getting late, and I…I should get home.”
Buffy turned and began walking in the direction of her house.

“Let me give you a lift.”

“No, Spike, it’s really okay,” Buffy said, turning around and walking
backwards as she spoke to him. “It’s a short walk, I’ll be-“

Spike ran over to Buffy as she stumbled at the edge of the sidewalk,
falling at an angle to land on her knee. Spike was at her side in a second as
she hissed in pain, grabbing her injured right knee. Spike looked at the
torn leg of her pants to see a trickle of blood beginning to leak through.
“Well, I’ll give you one thing, pet. It was a short walk.”

Buffy shot him a look as he suppressed a chuckle at his own joke while
gently rubbing her knee. Buffy flinched at the tender area his hand
grazed. “Right then, off to the hospital with you, luv.”

“No,” Buffy said, vigorously shaking her head.

“Buffy, you’re nineteen years old. It’s time you got over this hospital fear.”

“I’m twenty,” Buffy mumbled, trying to flex her aching leg.

“You’re…bloody hell! I’m such a soddin’ wanker! I forgot your birthday!”

“It’s okay…really…it was no big deal.”

Spike stared at Buffy, noticing she wouldn’t make eye contact with him.
“I honestly forgot, Goldilocks.”

Buffy pasted a fake smile on her face as she pushed herself off the
ground. “I believe you, Spike. You have more important things in your life
now. You don’t need to be reminded of an ex’s birthday.”

“You’re more than my ex, Buffy,” Spike said quietly.

“But the fact remains, I am your ex, Spike. First and foremost…and
that kinda gives you a get outta jail free card when it comes to birthdays.”

“I never would’ve-“

“It’s okay. I just…I better go.”

“I’m giving you a ride, Buffy. If you’re not going to let me take you
to the hospital, you’re at least going to let me take you home.”

Buffy hesitated for a second before nodding. As she began to limp to
the door of the car, she gasped as she was suddenly swept up in strong arms
and deposited in the car. Buffy sat rigidly as Spike made his way around
to the driver’s side and got in. A few minutes later, he glanced at Buffy out
of the corner of his eye as he pulled into her driveway. “Something
wrong, pet?”

Buffy looked down at her lap before answering. “What went wrong that
day, Spike?”

She saw him bite his lower lip as he considered his answer. “You mean
besides me getting pissed and storming into your house?”

“Yeah,” she whispered, making Spike look over at her profile.

“I scared you that day, didn’t I?”

Buffy took a deep breath, never looking at him, before nodding.

“I would never hurt you, Buffy.”

“Physically…you mean?” Buffy saw the look of remorse cross his face.
“Spike, I’m sorry. That was a cheap shot.”

“Doesn’t make it any less true, luv.”

“Maybe not,” she agreed quietly.

“To answer your question, I think we were just growing apart. We
hadn’t seen each other privately for months…just took a toll, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Buffy mumbled. “I guess so. Thanks for the ride.”

Before Buffy even had her door open, Spike was on her side of the
car, opening the door and helping her out. Buffy couldn’t even utter a
protest as she was, once again, scooped up in his arms and carried toward her
front door.

“I can walk, Spike.”

“Not on that leg, Goldilocks. We’re going to get you bandaged up.”

Buffy knew better than to argue. Spike was just as stubborn as she was,
and she had learned long ago to pick her battles wisely.

“Okay,” she agreed as she unlocked her door, no easy task considering
Spike didn’t put her down. Kicking the door shut as he walked over the
threshold, Spike carried Buffy upstairs to her room and placed her gently on the
bed.

“I’ll go get the first aid kit, luv. Why don’t you get changed?

Buffy nodded as he left the room. Looking at her bedtime attire, she
quickly ruled out one of the flimsy nightgowns she usually slept in,
opting instead for a pair of satin shorts and matching tank top. She still
felt a little too underdressed, but she couldn’t really put on her flannel
pants since the injury was on her leg.

Spike entered a few minutes later, catching his breath as he watched
Buffy painfully pull herself up to a sitting position on her bed. The blood
rushed down to his groin as he stared at her body, seconds before anger
clouded his vision at her undernourished form. She had easily lost
twenty pounds since the last time he had seen her in any type of intimate
situation.

Spike stalked over to the bed, slamming the kit down on the nightstand,
causing Buffy to jump and look at him in confusion as he poured alcohol
over a piece of cloth. A second later, the cloth was pressed to the gash on
her knee, causing Buffy to whimper at the throbbing pain that it left behind.

“What’s wrong?” she asked in a strained voice.

“Just not too happy seeing that the woman I loved has turned into an
anorexic.”

The past tense of 'loved' didn’t go unnoticed by Buffy, and she felt the
tears that collected from the pain of her wound spill over at the callous
tone of his voice.

“I’m not,” Buffy whispered so softly that Spike finally turned to look at her.

Seeing the tears cascading down her cheeks, his expression turned
apologetic immediately. “Buffy, luv, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Buffy just shook her head, not wanting to tell him that the pain was
from his words and not his actions. She wiped her eyes, frantically trying
to stop her weeping as he moved the medical supplies to the floor, moving
up the bed to sit next to her and pull her into his arms. “I’m sorry.”

Buffy sniffled again as she tried to get her emotions under control.
“No…it’s okay.”

Spike pulled back to look at her tear-streaked face. Gently tucking a
lock of hair behind her ear, Spike felt the electricity shoot through him as
his hand lingered on her skin. He looked into her eyes and saw the longing
that he felt reflected in hers. Before he could comprehend what he was
doing, his lips were on hers, fervently delving into her mouth, tangling with
her tongue as Buffy’s kissed him back with passion. Spike’s hands slid
under her top, stripping her of it in one fluid motion, as he pulled her to a
standing position.

Buffy’s fingers worked on the buttons of his shirt, shedding it and the
duster at the same time, before working on his belt as he slid the
shorts down her legs. Their lips stayed fused as they stood before Spike
pushed her back on the bed and crawled on top of her, meeting her lips once
again, capturing Buffy’s gasp as he entered her.

Buffy arched against him as he penetrated her deeper, burying himself
in her warmth. Spike left a tingling sensation as he nipped at any available
skin he could reach while he plunged into her over and over. Buffy
whimpered again, but this time, not from pain, as Spike kissed up the column of her
throat while their hips continuously rocked together for several long minutes. She began to
feel the humming of her body as she neared her climax, clawing at his back as
her hands trailed lower, frantically pushing him into her at a harder pace.
Craving his own release, Spike angled his body to slide his hands down
and grasp her hips, pulling her to him more forcefully, smiling when he
watched her explode with her orgasm, before feeling his own body react to her,
pulsing deep within her silken depths.

Spike caught his breath as he rolled away from Buffy, his hands
immediately going up to cover his face.

‘This was wrong,’ he thought as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
Spike slowly sat up and stayed in a sitting position for several minutes as
Buffy watched him. Tentatively covering her body with her sheet, Buffy
reached out and touched his back. Spike jumped at the delicate touch.

“Is something wrong?” Buffy asked softly.

“Yes,” he mumbled in a hoarse voice. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m
sorry, Buffy.”

Buffy looked at him incredulously as he turned to face her. “You’re
sorry?” she whispered, not able to believe him.

“I was being weak. I shouldn’t have done that, luv. I didn’t want to
use you.”

“Use me?” The pain in Buffy’s heart seemed to multiply at the words.

Spike watched the emotions playing out on Buffy’s face and reached for
her, only to have his hand batted away. Buffy felt the tears spring to her
eyes again as Spike began gathering his clothes off the floor and getting
dressed.

Once he was fully dressed, Spike turned to Buffy, noticing the pain on
her features as she stared down at the sheet wrapped around her body.
“Buffy-“

“Don’t,” she whispered, shaking her head and swallowing, trying to get
rid of the lump in her throat. “You made it perfectly clear. One last
hurrah,” she said, looking into his eyes to gauge his reaction. “Hope it was
fun for you.”

Spike gritted his teeth. “It’s not like that, Buffy.”

“No? You said it yourself. You used me.”

Spike squeezed his eyes shut at his own poor choice in words. “I
didn’t mean it that way, luv.”

“There’s not a lot of ways to take it, Spike. You needed a release…I
was just available, right? Like the good ole days?”

Spike stared at her in surprise at the loathing that seemed to lace
through her words. “I never treated you like a conquest, Buffy,” he said
through gritted teeth. "You were the only one who ever meant anything to me."

"Times change, huh?"

"You were never a conquest," he said again, his temper rising.

She painfully stood up, favoring her knee while pulling the sheet with her, as she stared into his eyes.
“Not until tonight.”

The words were spoken so quietly, Spike almost didn’t hear them. When
he comprehended what she said, rage flooded through him at her
insolence.

Buffy saw the look in his eyes that she had never seen before and took
several steps back, bumping into the wall as he advanced on her.
Standing so close to her, she could feel his breath on her cheek. Spike
whispered, “Don’t talk to me that way, little girl.”

Buffy looked up into the eyes of a man she didn’t recognize. “Spike,
you’re scaring me,” she whispered in a soft voice.

She watched as he immediately snapped out of it, looking into her
frightened eyes. ‘What the hell is wrong with you, you ponce?’ Spike thought to
himself. ‘This is the second time you’ve been in contact with this
woman in as many months, and you make her terrified of you both times. Can’t
blame it on the alcohol this time, you wanker.’

“I would never harm you, Buffy. Please believe that.”

“I think you should go.”

“Buffy, please believe me, luv. I couldn’t…I wouldn’t even think of it.”

“Spike…I believe you. But it still doesn’t change the fact that you
don’t want to be with me anymore. So I think you should go.”

Spike saw the pain in her eyes as he turned to walk out. Reaching the
doorway, he looked over his shoulder at her. “I didn’t say I didn’t want
to be with you, luv. I just don’t think this is the right time for us.”

Buffy stared after him as he walked down the stairs, not moving from
her spot as she heard the front door close behind him. “Then when is?”

Chapter 14 - Anxiety


Buffy stood in the aisle of the drugstore almost two months later. She
stared at the rows and rows of boxes, each offering some ‘special’ way of
finding out if you’re pregnant.

Buffy chewed on her lower lip as she surveyed the options, picking up
several of the boxes and reading the contents before letting out a sigh.
“This is ridiculous,” she muttered to herself. “You’re just a few days late,
and you’ve had no morning sickness. You shouldn’t even be here.”

As she said the words, the nagging voice in her head reminded her of what
she didn’t want to believe. The same little voice that reminded her that
she had stopped taking her birth control pills a few weeks after Spike had
walked out on her. She was pregnant. The test hadn’t confirmed it yet,
but Buffy knew her body, and she was pregnant. Her breasts were swollen and
tender to the touch, she had completely lost her appetite, and she was
exhausted all the time.

With another heavy sigh, Buffy grabbed a box in which the results would be
shown with a bright pink line. That would be clear enough for her. She
took the box to the checkout, never making eye contact with the clerk as she
paid, and left the store.

Once she got home, Buffy dashed for the upstairs bathroom. She couldn’t bear
to look at the test as she set it on the counter and went to lie down on her
bed as she waited the required time limit. The seconds seemed to tick by
endlessly as she pondered over her options.

She couldn’t have an abortion. She knew it just wasn’t in her to do that.
Adoption was always an alternative, but Buffy couldn’t imagine giving away
her child. Whether she liked it or not, she had gotten herself into this
mess, and she would be the one to get herself out of it. Even if it was the hard
way. At the back of her mind, going off like a neon sign, was the fact that
she could be carrying Spike’s baby. This could be the last remainder of
their relationship that she would be able to hold onto.

Buffy knew this was a selfish motive for keeping a baby, but she had lost so
much already. Her mother wasn’t there to help with the added
responsibilities, her father had practically disowned her since she hadn’t
heard from him in years. She knew her friends would stick by her, but she
was increasingly worried about what Spike would say. Would he be mad?
Would he try and talk her into getting rid of it?

Thoughts fluttered through Buffy’s head as she looked at the clock and
realized it was time. Slowly getting up from her position on the bed, Buffy
made her way to the bathroom. Taking a deep breath as she entered, she
slowly walked over to the test strip, feeling all the air in her body leave
her as she saw the glowing strip of pink. Her world came crashing down
around her as reality seemed to infect every part of her body. She had
known, but actually seeing it laid out in front of her was a different
story.

Buffy grasped the countertop as a hand reflexively went to her stomach. A
stomach that now had a tiny life growing inside. She shook her head, trying
to get the foggy images to leave her vision as she tried to focus on what
this meant. Images of the coming months seemed to dance in front of her
eyes. Visualizations of a crib and diapers and formula, not to mention what
she was going to do about money.

What would Spike say? Surely he would be shocked. Would he even believe
that it was his baby? They had been broken up for months, and as far as he
was concerned, the night that she considered a reconciliation, he had
considered good-bye. Buffy realized she couldn’t tell him. Not as if she
would be given the option- he had avoided her like the plague since that
night, going so far as to ask Giles to separate their departure/arrival
times for their shifts by at least an hour.

“No,” Buffy mumbled to herself. “He has a life now that doesn’t involve
me. He doesn’t need to worry about this for the next nine months. I just
won’t tell him right now.”

Even as she said it, she began to feel guilty. She knew that he deserved to know.

“It’s not like I’m going to keep his child from him,” Buffy cried in
exasperation as she argued with herself. “Right now he doesn’t need to
concern himself with it.”

At the same time, Buffy knew that she had to tell Giles. She would have to
quit the Magic Box, and the idea of lying to Giles about her reasoning for
quitting sent a pain through her heart. He had been so good to her over
the years, taking the place of Buffy’s absentee father. She knew that she
could trust him to keep the baby a secret for the time being, even if he
didn’t agree with her reasoning.

Buffy took a deep breath as she walked down the stairs and out the front
door. First thing’s first, she had to find a replacement job…and soon.

* * * * *

Buffy stepped out of Giles’ office a week later with a heavy heart.
She had come in on her day off to talk to him privately, and she felt
horrible for just blurting out the news of her pregnancy the way she did.
Shutting the door behind her, Buffy turned and slammed into a solid chest.
Looking up into the bright blue eyes of the man she still loved, Buffy felt
short of breath, wondering if he’d heard her conversation with his father.
She had to refrain from covering her mouth, hoping that she wouldn’t have a
sudden bout of nausea that had developed over the last couple of days.

“Buffy,” Spike greeted with a slight nod of his head.

Buffy felt panic overtake her that he knew about the baby but was waiting
for her to say something. “Hello, Spike.”

“Is dad in there?”

Buffy felt relief wash over her at his question. “Um…yeah…yeah, he’s in
there.”

As Buffy began to walk away, she felt Spike’s hand on her arm and the
electricity that seemed to shoot through her body whenever he touched her.
“You okay, Buffy? You look a little…under the weather.”

‘Oh, just morning sickness,’ she thought as she stared at him. Outwardly,
Buffy shook her head. “I’m fine. Better than ever.”

Spike flinched at the tone of her voice. She definitely wasn’t better than
ever, but it wasn’t his business anymore. “Just checking, luv.” He saw the
hurt that flashed over her face at being called ‘luv’ and instantly felt
sorry for it. “Listen, Buffy, I know I’ve been ignoring you and-“

“I need to go,” she said, stepping away from him. “I, uh…I have to…go.”
Turning around, Buffy made a dash for the front of the store, leaving a
bewildered Spike standing behind her with an aching heart.

* * * * *

Buffy made it all the way home before the tears started. Shutting the front
door behind her, she slowly sat down on the floor, curling her knees up to
her chest as she let the tears fall. After a few minutes, she managed to
get her emotions under control. “It’s your fault he left, Buffy,” she
muttered to herself as a final tear slid down her cheek. “It’s your fault
you ignored him, and now he doesn’t want you.” With a deep breath, she stood
up and made her way into the living room as the phone rang.

“Hello,” she said in a hoarse voice.

“Buffy, are you okay?”

Buffy smiled at the concern in her best friend’s voice. “I’m fine, Wills.”

“You don’t sound like it.”

“I told Giles.”

“Oh Goddess! How’d he take it?”

“Really well, considering. I would have been fine, except when I left his
office, Spike was standing there.”

Willow gasped. “Buffy, he didn’t overhear you telling Giles, did he?”

“I don’t think so. It was just a forced, awkward conversation.”

“Did Giles agree with your decision not to tell him?”

“I think agree is too strong a word, but he was being supportive guy.”

“That’s good, right?”

“Considering he’s the only family I have left, yeah, it’s good.”

“He’s not the only family, Buffy. You have me and Xander.”

“Thank you, Willow. Speaking of which, you don’t think Xander’s going to
blab to Anya, do you? Because if he does, then my quitting was useless.”

“I think this might be one secret he is very capable of keeping. Don’t
worry about it, Buffy.”

“Okay,” Buffy said, breathing a sigh of relief.

“So, you’re really going to start working at the Doublemeat Palace, huh?”

“I start the day after tomorrow. I gotta say, it’s not exactly the career
decision I had in mind, but desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“Yeah,” Willow mumbled softly. “Maybe when Spike quits at the end of the
summer, you can come back to the shop.”

“Maybe,” Buffy said noncommittally. “I should probably go, Wills. I’m
wiped out. It’s been a stressful day.”

“Okay, you get some rest, and I’ll talk to you soon.”

* * * * *

Spike sat in silence with his father later that night as he watched Giles
pour over the books. He had been waiting all day to see if maybe Giles
would mention why Buffy was here on her day off, and so far, he hadn’t even
mentioned her name.

“So, uh, I saw Buffy earlier.” Spike broached the subject carefully.

“Yes, she was here,” Giles responded, never looking up from his books.

Spike almost growled in frustration. “Any particular reason?”

Giles sighed and looked into his son’s eyes. Buffy was trusting him with a
very precious piece of information, and he really didn’t want to violate that
trust. On the other hand, his flesh and blood was sitting across from him
and had no idea that he would be a father by the time the year was out.
Giles let out another deep sigh as he came to the decision that it was
Buffy’s news to tell. He would only step in if absolutely necessary, and
right now, the last thing Buffy needed was his very temperamental son
crashing through her door.

“She came to let me know she was leaving.”

“What do you mean leaving?” Spike demanded as he felt a flash of panic at
the thought that she was moving out of town.

“She is no longer a Magic Box employee.”

Spike stared at him in disbelief for several moments. “And where is she
going to get money?”

“She said she had another job lined up, and before you ask me, no…I have no
idea where she will be working. I suggest if you want to know, you should
call and ask her yourself.”

Spike stared down at the table as he digested the information. “It’s
because of me, isn’t it?” he asked his father quietly.

“I think you were the deciding factor,” Giles said as soothingly as
possible.

“But she loved this job. She shouldn’t have left because of me.”

Giles stayed silent, realizing that his son was addressing himself. After a
few minutes, Spike looked up and met the warm eyes of his father. “I’ve
really messed this up, haven’t I, Dad?”

“That’s not for me to say, son. This is between you and Buffy…my opinions
have no bearing whatsoever on this relationship.”

Spike sat, lost in his own thoughts, as Giles turned back to his work.

Chapter 15 - New Friend


Buffy rubbed her aching back as she waited on the endless line of
customers. She was in her fifteenth week of pregnancy, and her belly

was already beginning to swell. Although the doctor’s bills were practically
bleeding her dry, considering she didn’t have maternity insurance, Buffy found
herself getting more excited by the day. At least on the days that she
didn’t have to go to work at the DMP, that is.

The doctors told her that she would be able to feel the baby’s
movements in a few weeks, and Buffy found herself looking forward to it

and always concentrating on her stomach, hoping to feel any type of sensations.

Buffy glanced at the clock as she served yet another customer. Only
a few more minutes, and she would be free to go home. Manny the Manager had
been putting her on double shifts for the past three days since she didn’t
have to go to classes like other employees that were taking summer classes at the university.
Buffy was really regretting dropping out of college after her mother died.
She had limited so many of her options, and working sixteen hours a day
was making body parts that she didn’t even know she had ache with fatigue.

She was planning on going back to school, hopefully after the baby came. She knew that she would have to provide for both of them and she wasn’t about to ask for help from anyone. Buffy knew that Giles would offer whatever assistance he could and when she told Spike, he would want to be involved, hopefully. But, she didn’t want to be dependent on anyone. She would make a life for herself and her child.

Her life was finally coming together, despite the fact that she worked at a fast food restaurant, she wouldn’t be there forever. The only gaping hole seemed to be Spike and her mother’s absence. It was still felt everyday, but Buffy was beginning to move on. She wasn’t over Spike, but she knew that she could be her own person without him. She was getting emotionally stronger everyday and she knew part of that was due to the fact that she was going to be a mother in a just a few months. Buffy didn’t need a man to survive and she clung to that belief during the hard times.

Buffy smiled in relief as the next shift of workers replaced the
existing ones. She quickly clocked out, ripping the stupid hat off her head
and pulling her long hair down from its elastic holder. She took a deep
gulp of the warm spring air, trying to get the aroma of grease and meat out
of her body.

Buffy began walking home, pausing when she got to the edge of the
parking lot, and saw a car parked in one of the last spaces in the area. She
smiled when she saw Angelus O’Shea step out of the car. Angel was a pre-med
student at UC Sunnydale, doing his internship at the hospital when Buffy
had a doctor’s appointment a few months ago. The two had struck a fast
friendship when Buffy confided her problems to Angel, telling him
everything from her relationship with Spike, to her pregnancy, to
having to work at the DMP. Angel had been a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to
cry on, all rolled into one. It was good for Buffy to be able to talk to someone
who wasn’t directly involved with her life. Someone who didn’t know
Spike and have any preconceived notions of their relationship together.

Buffy was greeted with a hug as she got closer to Angel. This had
become an almost nightly occurrence that he would pick her up after work. Angel
didn’t like the idea of Buffy walking home alone in this town, let alone
after being on her feet for several long hours. Buffy was quickly turning
into his best friend, and he cherished that fragile friendship, giving
her rides to her doctors appointments and making sure she was eating
properly.

Buffy was grateful to have a new friend at this time in her life. Someone who didn’t judge her based on her unmarried and pregnant status. She was
thankful for the support that Willow and Xander gave her-they were
truly her family. And she had received at least two phone calls a week from
Giles, asking about her and the baby. But she knew it was difficult
for all of them. Spike was Giles’ son and Willow’s friend. He had even
struck a chummy friendship with Xander, once Xander began dating Anya and his
attention was off of Buffy.

Buffy found it hard to talk about her problems with any of them,
knowing it was just as awkward for them to sit and listen to her.

“How are you doin’, Buff?”

“Aside from the pain in my back and feeling like my feet are going to
fall off at any moment? I’m doing good.” Angel smiled as he helped her
into the car. “You know, Angel, I’m not made of glass. I won’t break.”

Angel nodded. “I know, Buffy. But you’re pregnant, and that means
‘handle with care’ in my book.”

“I’m barely even showing yet. Just a tiny bump that you can’t even see.”

“Buffy, let me be your friend and do this, okay?”

Buffy let out a sigh and nodded. “Thank you. I know I’m being a first
class brat these days.”

“No, you’re just carrying someone twenty-four hours a day.”

Buffy smiled. The more she got to know Angel, the more she wished she
could have romantic feelings for him. He was a wonderful man who always put
her first, but the sparks just weren’t there.

Buffy settled into the comfortable leather of the car seat and let her
eyes fall shut as Angel began the short drive to her house. Before she knew
it, she felt gentle pressure on her shoulder and let her eyelids flutter
open, realizing that they were in front of her house.

“Sorry,” Buffy mumbled as she gave a little stretch. “Didn’t mean to
doze off.”

“That’s okay, you need the rest,” Angel said, helping her out of the car.

“Is that a nice way of telling me I look like crap?” Buffy asked with a
smile.

“Not at all,” he reassured her with a smile of his own as he walked her
to her front door.

“Thanks for the ride home, Angel,” Buffy said, giving him a hug. “I
really appreciate it.”

Angel returned the hug and gave her a kiss on the forehead. He felt protective of Buffy, and the urge to make sure she was safe was overwhelming at times. “It’s no problem, Buffy. I’ll
pick you up tomorrow night, too.”

“Angel, it’s really not necessary. I don’t mind walking.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer. I want you to be safe.”

“Thank you,” she said quietly. “I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

“It’s a date. Bye, Buffy,” Angel called as he walked off the porch as
Buffy unlocked the front door and stepped into the house, neither noticing
the man standing in the shadows of the house, observing the tender display.

Spike watched as the hugs and smiles were exchanged. Heard the ‘It’s a
date’ that the poofter had said when he returned to his car and seen
the affection that poured from both of them. After several months of
having no contact with Buffy, Spike had been taking a walk and ended up in front
of her house. He decided that he should at least try and talk to her since no
one would tell him where she was working. Spike had waited on her
front steps when Buffy didn’t answer the door. He had felt his heart drop
when she had stepped out of the car with tall, dark, and forehead. Quietly
slipping into the shadows, close to the corner of the house, Spike felt
sickened by the fact that this man could be so close to her and Spike couldn’t.

Spike began to walk home, feeling worse than when he’d shown up.

Chapter 16 - Surprise


Buffy felt like a blimp. She had literally woken up one morning over a
week ago and looked like she was eight months pregnant, though she was
barely even five months along.

Buffy was lying on a cold table in the doctor’s office with Willow
standing next to her, holding her hand. They had been waiting for the technician
to come in and administer the ultrasound for the past twenty minutes, and
Buffy was growing more nervous as the seconds ticked by.

Angel was out in the waiting room, acting as her own private chauffeur.
Willow watched as Buffy nervously fidgeted with the hem of her shirt.
She was now obviously pregnant. There were no more questions from
strangers asking if she was pregnant. Now the questions were, ‘When’s the baby
due?’ and ‘Is it a boy or girl?’

Buffy didn’t have an answer to the latter of the two, but she was
hoping to remedy that today. If the technician ever got there, that is.

“You feeling okay?” Willow asked softly.

“Yeah, I just really have to go to the bathroom. You know, if they ask
you to drink a gallon of water, the least they could do is be on time for
the exam.”

As the words left Buffy’s mouth, the door to the room opened, and a
short older man walked in. “Miss Summers, my name’s Doyle, and I’ll be
tending to you today,” he said in a thick Irish brogue. “I’m sorry to keep you
waiting.”

“Oh no, that’s alright,” Buffy said with fake honesty. “My bladder is
usually the size of a grapefruit, so no big deal.”

Willow cringed as Buffy’s hormones got out of line. She had frequently
been unable to control the things she said, often blurting out whatever she had
in her head, whenever she was angry or uncomfortable. Fortunately, the man
smiled at her comment. “Well then,” he said. “Let’s get this show on
the road.”

The girls watched as he rolled Buffy’s shirt, uncovering the swell of
her stomach and squirting some cool, goopy liquid on her skin. Doyle
turned and pushed some buttons on the machine as he ran the sensor over her
stomach. For ten minutes, everyone stayed quiet as Doyle checked the chambers of
the heart and brain functioning, among other things. For the most part,
Buffy had no idea what the fuzzy black and white pictures were. Buffy
noticed him frown a few times and was starting to become worried when he turned to
face her. “Miss Summers, I have it written here that this is your first
ultrasound. Am I correct in that assumption?”

“Yes,” Buffy replied in a shaky whisper.

“So, I’m guessing you were unaware until today that you’re expecting
twins?” Doyle asked with a smile.

Buffy felt her mouth go dry and her vision blur. “Twins?” she asked
breathlessly.

“Yep,” Doyle said, turning to face the monitor again. “See this right
here, that’s one head,” he said, gesturing to a part on the screen before
moving the device to the other side of her stomach. “And there’s the other
one. They’re doing what most twins do, which is cradle each other. Would
you like to know the sex of the babies?”

Buffy nodded as she stared at the screen.

“Well, this one’s the boy,” Doyle said pointing to one baby. “And
here’s a little girl.”

Buffy turned wide eyes to Willow, seeing a reflection of Buffy’s own
face evident in her reaction. “I’m having twins,” she murmured softly.

* * * * *

Buffy didn’t let the panic set it until she was safely alone in her
own house. She sat on the couch, clutching the black and white ultrasound
pictures in her hands. She let the tears fall, wondering how she could
ever provide for herself and two kids. Through the tears, Buffy smiled as
she looked at one of the pictures, seeing the writing that Doyle had typed
on one of the images of the little boy: ‘Mommy’s Little Man.’ Flipping to
the next picture, she saw the photo of the little girl: ‘Mommy’s Baby
Girl.’

“Things will turn out okay,” Buffy whispered to herself. “They have to.”

* * * * *

Buffy stared at the clock as it neared the end of her shift a week
later. She took off her hat as she smoothed her long hair, tossing the hat on
the counter. It was slower than usual tonight, and Buffy had been hoping to
leave early.

‘Wishful thinking,’ Buffy thought as she stared at the clock. Hearing
the door open, Buffy turned to wait on yet another customer and instead
faced a group of four people and found herself looking into the bright blue
eyes of the father of her children.

Spike stared disbelievingly at Buffy’s swollen stomach, his mouth
hanging open slightly, before snapping it shut to clench his jaw so tightly
that he thought it would break. “Been busy, pet?” he asked in a harsh tone.

It was Buffy’s turn for her mouth to drop open. ‘He doesn’t know they’re his.’

Buffy opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to get the words out. Trying to say anything, to let him know that she needed to talk to him, but no words came out. She knew she had to tell him, looking into his eyes that were full of pain, she couldn’t keep the truth from him as she stared into those bottomless depths. But standing under the fluorescent lights of the DMP was not the place that she wanted to have a heart to heart.

Spike felt his anger rise as she didn’t say anything, only to squeeze
his eyes shut as he heard the nasal tone of the woman behind him. “Blondie
Bear, aren’t you gonna order anything?”

Buffy stared incredulously as Harmony appeared from behind Spike.
Standing behind him with confused expressions on their faces were an
attractive black man and a lovely, slender woman.

Spike saw the expression on Buffy’s face and felt the need to evoke
some kind of reaction in her. Slipping an arm around Harmony’s shoulders,
he smiled as Buffy tightened her jaw. He knew it was wrong- this annoying
woman didn’t mean a fraction of what Buffy meant to him, but he
couldn’t help himself. He had simply been offered the chance to go out with
some co-workers from the restaurant after they left work, and he’d taken them up on it.
Unfortunately, one of the hostesses was Harmony.

“So, Spikey, are we gonna order or- Buffy? Is that you?”

Buffy turned cold eyes to Harmony as she said her name. “Who does it
look like?”

“Oh my God, you got fat!”

Spike cringed at the stupidity and tactlessness of her ridiculous comment. Before Buffy could reply, a younger employee tapped her on the shoulder and motioned for her to leave. Buffy had never felt more relieved at the
end of the shift as she hurriedly backed away from the counter and practically ran through the back area to get out of the building. She definitely wasn’t about to tell Spike, when he was with Harmony. She would have to wait until her emotions were under control. She thought about calling Willow to come and get her but thought better of it. Angel would have been there except he was working the graveyard shift at the hospital. It was a short walk. Buffy would be fine until she got home, save the tears that were threatening to fall.

Buffy disappeared through the back door and quickly began walking
through the parking lot and down the street when she heard footsteps jogging
behind her. Before she knew what happened, her arm was seized as Buffy was
spun around to face a very angry Spike.

“Whose is it?” he demanded.

“What difference does it make to you?” Buffy asked, her own temper
rising.

“It makes a big difference, luv,” Spike replied in a menacing tone.

“Why? Because all of a sudden I’m not ‘Picture Perfect Buffy’ anymore?
Now I’m ‘Knocked Up Buffy’?”

“Whose is it?” he repeated, tilting his head to look at her. “Or do
you even know?”

Buffy felt the tears burn her eyes at the implications of his question.
“You’re right,” she said, her anger momentarily winning out over her
sadness. “I don’t know. I fucked the whole university football team.
Is that what you want to hear? It could have been anyone.”

Spike squeezed his eyes shut, never letting go of her arm. Taking a
shaky breath, he opened his eyes and stared into her own. “I was out of line.
I’m sorry. Please tell me whose it is.”

Buffy felt herself relax as he apologized. “Do you really have to ask me
that?” she asked softly.

“It’s the new guy, isn’t it?” he asked quietly as Buffy stared at him
with a questioning look. “Broody guy, caveman brow,” he said to jog her
memory.

“Angel?”

Spike scoffed. “Poofter.”

“No, Angel’s not the father,” Buffy said with a sigh as she looked down
at the ground. “He’s a friend. And I can’t believe you’re even
questioning who the father is.”

Buffy raised her eyes to see comprehension dawn on Spike’s face.
“Mine?”

“Yours,” Buffy nodded.

“And when were you planning on telling me!” he yelled.

Buffy jumped at the sudden change in his voice. “Spike, it wasn’t anything for you to worry about. I was going to tell you, I swear, but right now, this was my problem. Not yours. I didn’t want you to have to worry about it. I wanted to tell you when I was farther along, that way you wouldn’t have to worry about something that you had no control over.”

Buffy watched as Spike clenched his jaw, trying to keep his temper
under control, and then gazed at him as he whirled around and headed in the
opposite direction. “Where are you going?”

“Away,” he called over his shoulder.

“Oh yeah, that’s it,” Buffy called angrily after him. “Walk away when
the going gets tough. It’s what you're best at!”

She stared at him as Spike came to a halt before slowly turning on his
heel to look at her, taking a few steps toward her again. “Buffy,” he said
calmly. “I find out you’re pregnant with my baby by seeing you at a
bloody fast-food place. Not exactly the news I was expecting tonight, so
forgive me if it’s a little overwhelming.” Spike paused, biting his lip and
looking down at the ground. “I need some time, luv.”

Buffy’s expression softened as she nodded. “Take as much time as you need. You know where to find
me.”

Spike gave her a grateful look as he shoved his hands in his pockets,
turning and walking down the street.

“Spike,” Buffy called, waiting until he turned around before continuing. “I really am sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

Spike gave her a small smile and nodded, before turning and walking away.

“And it’s not just one baby,” Buffy whispered to his retreating back,
knowing that he wouldn’t be able to handle that piece of information right now.

Chapter 17 - Midnight Visitor


Buffy pulled on her black jogging pants and a white maternity tank top later that
night. She was exhausted after a long night at work and her
confrontation with Spike, and she was looking forward to crawling into her bed.
Halfway up the stairs, she frowned when she heard a soft knock on the door. It
was after midnight, and Buffy definitely wasn’t expecting anyone. With a
sigh, she walked down the stairs, ignoring the residual pain that was
shooting through her lower back, and opened the door. Buffy was shocked at
seeing Spike standing on the other side, his hands braced against the
doorframe, shoulders slumped, eyes downcast. He looked horrible.

“That was fast,” Buffy said softly as Spike raised his eyes to hers.

“Why weren’t you going to tell me, Buffy?”

Buffy sighed. “Come in, Spike. This isn’t the kind of conversation to
have on the front porch.”

Spike walked through the house and dropped onto the couch in the living
room, putting his elbows on his knees. Buffy followed him and decided
to sit in the chair.

“I was going to tell you,” she began softly. “Just not until I was about to have…the baby. I didn’t want you to worry about something that’s my responsibility.”

“I thought we were careful,” he said quietly, looking deep into her eyes.

“Not that last time…I, um, I kind of stopped taking my birth control
after you left. It’s not that safe for the body, and I figured I’d give
myself a break from it since there was no reason to be taking it, but Spike I honestly forgot.”

Spike nodded, the same bewildered look still on his face.

“Spike, I didn’t do this on purpose. You have to believe me…that’s
another reason I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to think I was
trying to rope you back into a relationship with me just because I was
carrying your baby.”

“I know,” he whispered, still not looking at her. “Who knows?”

“Not many, just those who’ve seen me recently. Willow, Xander, and…I
told your dad.”

Spike’s gaze shot up to meet hers. She could see the rage building
under the surface but maintained eye contact. “You told my bleedin’
father?!”

“He’s the only grandparent this baby will have,” Buffy replied quietly,
looking at her hands clasped tightly in her lap. “I thought he should
know.”

“But not the father, is that is?”

Buffy raised her eyes to his. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

Spike took several deep breaths, controlling his erratic breathing.
“I’m sorry too, Buffy,” he said, his voice returning to the normal tone.
“You’re right, he should know. I just figured he would have clued me in, is all.”

“He was just doing what I asked, Spike. Don’t be mad at him, you should be mad at me.”

“I should be,” Spike said with a nod. “But I’m not.” He slowly stood up to begin pacing around the living room. “Boy or girl?”

The question shocked Buffy. “What?”

“Do you know yet?”

Buffy gulped. “That’s kind of the other thing I was needing to tell you.”

Spike stopped his pacing to turn and face her. “There’s nothing wrong,
is there?”

“No,” Buffy said shaking her head. “Not for me anyway. I-I’m not sure
how you’ll react.”

Spike came to crouch in front of Buffy. “What is it, pet?”

Buffy took a deep breath. “I’m having twins.”

The look on Spike’s face would have been comical if the situation
wasn’t so serious. “Twins?”

“A boy and a girl.”

Spike stared at her in shock for another moment before fusing his lips
with hers. Buffy jumped at the sudden feel of his mouth on hers, his
fingers running through her hair. The kiss wasn’t passionate- it was needy and
reassuring at the same time. Spike broke away, not removing his hands
from her hair, as he looked into her eyes.

“You’re having my babies.”

For the first time that night, Buffy saw a genuine smile playing on his
lips as she nodded. “I am.” Pushing him away as he went in for another
kiss, Buffy jumped from the chair and walked to the center of the room,
hugging her arms around the expanse of her swollen belly.

“Buffy?”

“I’m not looking for sympathy, Spike.”

“That’s good, luv, because I wasn’t giving any,” Spike said, coming up
behind her to gently rub her shoulders.

“This isn’t an open invitation to get back together,” she said softly, tears in her eyes, her mind screaming at her to just continue kissing him and pretend the last year had never happened.

Spike turned her around to face him, tilting her watery eyes up to look
in his. “And why’s that, baby?”

Buffy held his gaze as she replied, “Because if we were to get back
together, I would always know that it was because I was having your
children…not because you actually want to be with me.”

“That’s not true, Buffy.”

“Really?” she asked disbelievingly. “So you would be here tonight, even if I
wasn’t pregnant? You would have walked through that door, stood in front of
me, and kissed me if you’d just run into me?”

Spike stayed quiet, his mouth opening slightly, no sound coming out.

“That’s what I thought,” Buffy said quietly. “I’m not looking for someone to take care of me, Spike. I can do that just fine on my own. But I do want you to see your children.”

“And I don’t have a say in this?”

“No…not when it’s me. You can have all the say you want when it comes
to these babies.”

“Buffy.” Spike reached up to gently caress her cheek as Buffy side-stepped him.

“No,” she said firmly. “This isn’t open for debate.”

Spike looked at her pain-filled eyes as he nodded. Buffy walked him to
the front door as he turned to look at her. “You’re not working at that
burger place, Buffy.”

“Spike, I have to. I need the money.”

“I can get money. You’re quitting tomorrow.”

“Spike-“

“Buffy, I’ll talk to my dad. I’m sure he’ll let you back on staff at
the Magic Box.” When Buffy didn’t say anything, he continued, “Please. I
want you to be safe, and I don’t like the idea of you working at that place.”

Buffy sighed and nodded. “If Giles says it’s okay…I’ll come back.”

Spike dropped a tender kiss on her forehead, noticing the tension in
her body as he did. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, luv.”

Buffy nodded as she closed the door behind him, allowing the tears to fall. She wanted him so much, but she didn’t want the babies to be the reason.

Spike stood on the front porch, staring at the door for a minute, a
smile playing on his lips. ‘Just wait, Buffy,’ he thought. ‘We’ll be happy again. Just wait.’

Chapter 18 - A Night Out


Nearly a month later, Buffy had successfully left the Doublemeat Palace and
took her job back at the Magic Box. Giles had been thrilled that she was
rejoining the staff, and he was more shocked than Spike to find out Buffy
was expecting twins. Buffy hadn’t told Giles since she’d wanted to keep it
a secret a little while longer. And she was nervous how he’d react to being
a grandfather to not one, but two, babies.

Anya had yelled at Xander for over an hour for keeping news this big a
secret, going as far as to threaten to withhold all orgasms for a week.
Xander had immediately told Anya everything that he knew, hoping to get back
in her good graces. Luckily, Anya couldn’t go without the orgasms herself,
so she relented.

Now, as Buffy sat at the round table in the shop, she listened with half an ear as Willow and Anya made plans for later that night. Buffy’s thoughts kept drifting to Spike. She hadn’t seen him much since he left her house the
night he found out about the babies. He had been making an effort, considering she didn’t see him at all before that, but he was still busy with work and rarely stopped by. He no longer worked at the Magic Box, since summer was almost over. Though, he did make sure to call and check on her everyday, but the conversations always seemed forced.

“What do you think, Buff?”

Buffy looked up at Willow’s expectant face. “I’m sorry, Wills. What did you
say?”

“We were wondering if you wanted to go to the movies tonight?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, that sounds good,” Buffy said before turning to Anya. “You
don’t have plans with Xander tonight?”

“Not until much later. We agreed to meet up for some late-night sexual
activities.”

Buffy raised an eyebrow and looked at Willow. “He and Oz are Bronzing
tonight.”

“Ahh,” Buffy said with a nod of understanding.

“So what are we watching?”

“The new Brad Pitt movie,” Willow replied.

“Yes, he takes his shirt off and sweats quite profusely,” Anya said in
agreement.

Buffy laughed. “Sounds like a plan.”

* * * * *

Buffy laughed with her friends as they exited the Sun Cinema a few hours
later. It felt good to relax and have a good time for a change.

“So you up for the Bronze, Buffy?” Willow asked.

Buffy smiled. “Looking like I have a watermelon under my shirt, I don’t
think I would be very much fun in a club, but thanks for asking.”

“We’ll walk you home,” Anya offered.

Buffy looked at her in surprise. It wasn’t that Anya wasn’t nice, it was
simply that she didn’t do very many selfless things.

Buffy smiled. “Thanks, but I’ll be okay. You two go and have a good time.”

“Well, at least stop by for a few minutes, Buff,” Willow replied. “It’s
practically on your way home, and there’s no cover tonight.”

“Okay,” Buffy agreed with a nod. “I’ll say hi to the boys, but then I’m
heading home.”

“Yay,” Willow said with a bright smile. “Let’s go!”

* * * * *

As the girls walked into the Bronze, Buffy felt severely out of place. It
didn’t matter that she was dressed in a black skirt and tank top,
considering the shirt was a maternity top. She bit her lip nervously as
she followed her friends toward the area with the pool tables.

“Hey, it’s the Buffster,” Xander said, giving Buffy a hug. “Haven’t seen
you in a while, Buff.”

“I know, I’ve been anti-social gal lately. Sorry,” she said with an
apologetic smile. “I just stopped by to say hi. So…hi!”

Xander smiled. It was nice to see his friend happy for a change.

“Hi, Oz,” Buffy said with a wave as Willow made her way over to talk to her
boyfriend.

“Buffy,” he acknowledged with a mock salute.

Buffy turned to the man and the woman watching the new arrivals from the
other side of the table. “I don’t know you,” Buffy said with a small smile.
“I’m Buffy.”

“Oh, sorry, Buff,” Xander said. “This is Charles Gunn and Fred Burkle.”
Xander introduced them as she shook their hands.

“Call me Gunn,” the man said. “We’re friends of Spike’s.”

“Oh, okay, I knew I’d seen you before. It’s nice meeting you,” Buffy
replied. “Well, I’ve done what I came to do,” Buffy said, turning to Willow.
“I think I’m gonna head home.”

“Don’t you want to see Spike?” Fred asked as Buffy turned to face her.

“Spike’s here?”

“Uh...Buff, why don’t I walk you home,” Xander said, taking Buffy’s elbow.
Anya was about to say something when Willow’s eyes widened, and she took hold of Anya’s arm.

“What’s going on?” Buffy asked, seeing her friends' reactions. “Why is
everyone-“

Buffy stopped herself as she turned to the dance floor and saw Harmony
draped all over Spike. Swallowing the lump that entered her throat and
blinking back the tears that burned her eyes, Buffy took a deep breath. “I
better go,” she said softly, heading toward the door.

“Buffy, they’re just dancing,” Oz spoke up.

“It’s okay,” Buffy said, turning to face them as she backed away. “I wasn’t
planning on staying anyway. I’m just tired. I need to get home.” Pasting a
fake smile on her face, Buffy dashed for the door.

Stepping outside, Buffy made her way through the alley, taking in deep gulps
of the late summer air. The nights were beginning to cool off slightly,
and Buffy was grateful that it wasn’t a sweltering night. As she got to the
entrance of the alley, Buffy turned in the opposite direction of her house,
deciding to take the long way home.

Hugging her arms securely around her body as she walked, Buffy fought off
the tears that were threatening to spill.

“This is ridiculous,” she said to herself. “You’ve been broken up for more
than half a year- of course he’s going to move on eventually. You were the
one that told him you weren’t going to go back to him.”

‘Yeah, but because you weren’t sure if he just wanted you because of the
babies,’ that annoying little voice in her head said to her. ‘Not because
you’re not in love with him. And did he have to choose Harmony?’

Buffy hugged her arms more firmly around her midsection as she cut through a
cemetery. She walked slowly as her mind kept turning over every detail of
the last year.

The anniversary of her mother’s death was approaching, and Buffy felt herself being sucked back into the depression she was in a year before. She was making a conscious effort to avoid going to that darker place, knowing that she would eventually be fine. She had two wonderful little babies to welcome into the world and that thought comforted her and brought more happiness than she had felt in a long time. Making a decision, Buffy made a sharp left and began walking faster. A few minutes later, she found herself standing in front of a grave. Buffy kneeled down, tracing the letters etched into the stone.

“Hi, Mommy,” she whispered softly. Sitting down in the soft grass, Buffy
leaned her head against the cold surface. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around
to talk. I just miss you so much, and it feels like…it felt like if I didn’t
come here, then you were still with me, you know? That if I didn’t
acknowledge that you really weren’t here, you’d just come walking back into
my life one day. I just wish you were here with me,” she murmured as tears
streamed down her cheeks. Buffy swallowed hard as she continued, “You’re
gonna be a grandma pretty soon. I know I’m still young, but…I hope I’m as
good a mother as you were to me. I’m having a boy and a girl,” Buffy said,
a smile making it’s way to her face.

“Spike’s the dad. He, um, he took it better than I thought he would,” she
said with a nod. “We’re not together, though. I, uh, I…shut him out…after
you died. I really messed up, Mom. I felt like I was losing everyone in my
life and…it just made sense to push him away before he could leave me. I
realize it now, even though I didn’t know I was doing it at the time. I
made a mistake. I still love him so much…I don’t know how he feels, but
he’s moving on. And he should,” Buffy said with clarity in her voice. “If
he didn’t, then I’d always question whether he wanted to be with me for me
or because I just happened to get pregnant.”

Buffy clutched at the hard stone as if her life depended on it. This was her only link to her mother,
and she felt the despair set in as the tears flowed freely, “I miss him so
much, Mommy. But if he hadn’t broken up with me, I wouldn’t be having
these babies. Why couldn’t he have stayed that night? Why did he have to
leave again? Why did I have to push him away? Why do I have to be without the two people I need more than
anybody else in this world?” The last words were barely a choked whisper
as the sobs were ripped from her throat.

* * * * *

Buffy stayed in the cemetery for hours, jerking her head up from it’s
position on the stone when she saw the sky begin to brighten. Rubbing her
puffy eyes, Buffy stretched her sore muscles, realizing that she must have
fallen asleep. Standing shakily to her feet, Buffy started the walk home.
The temperature had dropped dramatically since she had begun her walk home
hours earlier, and Buffy rubbed her bare arms, trying to ward off the chill.

As she turned onto her street half an hour later, she was grateful that
Giles had given her the day off. She knew that she’d need the extra rest
after spending the night in a graveyard.

Buffy was so fatigued as she approached her house, she almost didn’t see
him. The rising sun radiated over his body as he sat with his head in his
hands.

“Spike?” Buffy said softly.

At the sound of her voice, Spike’s head shot up, and Buffy could see the
shadows of dark circles on his face as he looked up at her with red eyes.
“Buffy?” he asked as if he didn’t believe it was her.

Before Buffy could reply, she was encircled by strong arms as Spike enveloped
her in a desperate hug. Holding her as though he was afraid she’d
disappear, Spike pulled back to look into her eyes. Brushing the hair out
of her face, he stared deep into her eyes. “Where have you been?”

The question was soft, but Buffy could hear the worry and anger underneath
the surface. “I fell asleep,” she said quietly.

“I thought something had happened to you,” he said, locking his hands behind
her neck tenderly as he looked down at her. “Where’d you go?”

“I went to talk to my mom,” Buffy replied, not looking in his eyes.

“You fell asleep in the graveyard?” Spike asked incredulously. “Buffy, do
you have any idea how dangerous that is?”

“I’m fine,” Buffy said with an edge to her voice, disengaging herself from the hold he had on
her. “It’s not like I planned it,” she continued, heading up the porch
steps.

“Buffy, you could have-“ Spike stopped as he grabbed her arm to turn her
around. “Bloody hell, woman! Your skin feels like ice!”

“Well, then wouldn’t it make sense to let me go inside?” Buffy asked with a
raised eyebrow. She watched in amazement as Spike quickly shook off his
duster and wrapped her up in it. The aroma of his cologne and cigarette
smoke engulfed her as she snuggled into the warmth it provided. Spike took
her keys from her and quickly unlocked the door, ushering her into the house
and shutting the door behind them. Helping Buffy onto the couch, Spike
grabbed a blanket from the chair and wrapped it around her, providing as
much extra warmth as he could.

“Wait here,” he commanded, pointing a finger at her in warning. Buffy
sighed as he walked toward the kitchen and leaned back into the couch,
letting her eyes close.

“Buffy.”

Buffy jumped at the sound of her name, looking into Spike’s sapphire eyes.

“Sorry, luv. You must have nodded off,” he said, softly brushing a lock of
hair out of her eyes as he sat down on the coffee table. “Drink this, and then it’s off to bed.”

Buffy looked at the hot chocolate he was holding and was assaulted by the
memories of her mother making the same thing for her so many times. Taking
the mug from him, Buffy held it for a moment, letting the warmth spread to
her hands, as she stared down into it.

“Why did you go last night, luv?”

Buffy sighed. “Because I needed to talk to someone. Someone who wouldn’t
judge me,” she whispered as her eyes filled with tears again.

Spike gently tilted her head up to look in her eyes. “Why didn’t you come to
me, baby?”

Buffy stared into his face for several moments, letting the emotions play
over her face as she thought about what she should say. Letting her
jealousy win out, she replied, “You were a little busy.”

Spike closed his eyes briefly before reopening them to kneel in front of
her. “Buffy, I came after you as soon as I heard you were there. I know
you saw me dancing with Harmony, and that’s all it was, luv. A dance. I
have no interest in Harmony or anyone else, for that matter.”

Buffy gasped, nearly dropping her mug as she felt the sudden movement in her
abdomen. She had felt tiny stirrings over the last few weeks but never
something this strong.

“What’s wrong?” Spike asked fearfully as Buffy’s hand went to her stomach.
“Buffy, what’s wrong? Do you need to go to the doctor?”

Spike was already beginning to stand when Buffy’s hand reached out to grasp
his. “Spike, I’m fine. The babies moved.” She watched as a look of
surprise then awe came over his face as he dropped down to his knees,
a smile spreading across his face.

“Is this the first time?”

“No,” Buffy replied, shaking her head. “But it is the first time they’ve
both moved at the same time. I guess they recognize their daddy,” she said
softly, tears coming to her eyes.

Spike watched as Buffy shrugged out of his coat to lay down on the couch.
Taking his hand, Buffy raised her shirt slightly and placed it gently on
her stomach. “I don’t think anything’s happening, luv,” he said a few
moments later.

“Just give it a minute,” Buffy said. “They like to move when I’m being
still.”

Spike smiled. “Why’s that, luv?”

“The doctor said when I’m moving, it lulls them to sleep. So when I’m being
still, they wake up, ready to play.” Spike’s smile broadened at her
description, only to cause him to freeze when he felt a tiny bump against
his hand. Buffy giggled at the look on his face. Taking his hand, she
pressed it more firmly against her skin.

“I don’t want to hurt you, luv,” Spike said with a worried expression.

“It won’t hurt me,” she replied. “Just keep it at that pressure and-“

Buffy trailed off with a smile as she felt another little thump. The
amazement on Spike’s face grew as the thumping continued against his hand.
“Which one is that, do you know?”

“I think it’s the girl. She’s a little more temperamental. Any time
there’s pressure on my stomach, she always pushes at it or moves away from
it.”

“She is her mother’s daughter then,” Spike said with a smile. “Doesn’t
like anything unless she calls the shots.”

“If that’s true, then he’s his father’s son,” Buffy retorted with a smile on
her face.

“How’s that?” A look of anticipation crossed Spike’s face as he waited for
her explanation.

“He never stops moving,” she replied with a giggle. Spike laughed with her
as he felt more movement against his hand.

The smile quickly left his face as he looked at Buffy. She was staring down
at her stomach, a small smile playing on her face, as she watched the tiny
movements. He stared at her long honey blonde hair, spilling over her
shoulders to frame her face. Her full lips that he ached to feel against
his once again. Gazing down the length of her body, Spike smiled at her
swollen, tight belly that was home to his children. Looking back up at her
face, Spike took his other hand to lovingly stroke her cheek. He watched
as her eyes looked up to meet his in confusion. “You’re beautiful, Buffy,”
he whispered before leaning forward, brushing his lips to her forehead
tenderly before pulling away slowly to look into her eyes again. “Thank
you,” he said softly as she watched him in astonishment.

“For what?”

“For giving me this. For letting me be close enough to you to actually
feel these two little miracles.”

Buffy smiled, looking down as she felt another wave of emotions flood
through her. “I should be the one thanking you. You’re the reason they’re on the way."

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