Mental Safety

By Ayt Gimm

aytgimm@aol.com

definite B/S slant

Summary: Takes place about a day after Wrecked. Buffy tries to really analyze her feelings about Spike and Angel, and what they truly mean.

Spoilers: Assumes everything up to "Wrecked"

She still had dreams she was back in high school. She never would have imagined those were the good times; when things were simple. She felt everything so intensely, she loved so much, she killed, she worked hard, and there was always someone willing to hold her and tell her that it would be all right. How had things changed so much?

Her mom was gone, Giles was gone, and Angel was gone. Willow and Xander were there, but fleeting. They had their own problems, their own lives. They would give her a pat on the back and return to their own world. Sometimes they needed her more than she needed them. Nobody was there to tell her it would be all right anymore. She was the one who had to hug Dawn and tell her it would be Ok. Nobody was there for her except Spike. He was right, and she hated it.

Weeks ago Spike had been the only person she could stand being around. He was the only one who did not look at her with constant pleading, and fear, and worry, and reliance. He was the only person around which she could relax. She had screwed that up royally. She had felt something, he was right. All she had wanted was to feel something, but it was too much. It was fear. Deep, dark, fear and danger. She had seen so much, but she had never been more scared. He knew it, he called her on it. He read her like a book, and he still loved her. He scared the hell out of her.

"I love you, you know it"

He said the words so easily, without drama, then looked at her with eyes that held all the drama and feelings in the world. She was a force. She was chosen. She was alone but somebody loved her, and it scared her. Why did it scare her so much? She had been so strong, and so much before. She was a woman, she had been to hell and back, to heaven and back, and now she shrank from an emotional challenge. She was mentally huddled in a terrified little ball. She felt nothing but fear, doubt, reluctance, and denial. Maybe something else, but she didn't know what.

She loved Angel so much. It came so easily then, she felt so much love, and it seemed so easy for him to give it up. The girl who loved Angel was gone. She had been a girl. Buffy looked back at her sixteen-year-old self and was shocked by her youth. She hadn't known anything back then, she knew how to fight, and how to feel, how to kill, but nothing else.

The woman she had become knew everything but that; her world seemed to be without wonder or escape.. Except when she was with Spike. Skin, touching, her body was alive with him. Death, and killing, seemed like such a giant part of her life except when she was with a dead man. A living corpse seemed to free her from the morbid curtain that hung over her life, but it never lasted long enough. It always came back to death.

She had been so willing to do anything to be with Angel forever, and it was not good enough for him. He had not seen her at all, the reality of her life. The child who had loved him so much was gone, and was replaced by an angry bitter woman. Why did she still love him? She laughed at the irony of it all, she realized Spike had been hanging around driving her crazy, loving her, mourning her, and kicking her ass longer than Angel had bothered to allow their love to grow. Somehow she was convinced Angel was her true love, the one. She wanted him so badly, it had no reason anymore. She didn't understand it.

She arrived there at almost the exact moment she realized that was where she was going, and walked in without knocking. She heard his voice several feet ahead of her before her eyes adjusted to the total darkness of the crypt.

"Will you bloody knock? You pound on everything in your path; think you could handle a little bang on the door? This is my home, I have to be invited into yours. Can you just knock? Please?"

She wanted to yell at him, to pound on him, to beat him for presuming to ask her to do something just for his benefit, but she couldn't muster the energy.

"Sorry."

"S'all right. Just give it a try next time. So, come to apologize? Kick me around? Ask for my help? cuppa tea? Stake me? Take a tumble? What'll it be tonight, Slayer?"

"You're vile." She was pissed, but she knew she had no real reason. Why was she so mad? He had asked a simple question he had the absolute right to ask. She was not so repressed the mere mention of sex upset her. Sex with him did. It was so wrong. She didn't even know why anymore, it was just wrong.

"And you're here. What do you want?" He was staring at her, nonchalant, yet rogue. He wasn't chasing, but he wasn't hiding his desire either. Things had changed. She hated the way her body responded to his gaze. She could lie to everyone else, but she liked the way he looked at her.

"You're the one who always wants to talk. I'm here, what do you want to talk about?"

She didn't know why she was there, but something in her needed to be.

"So, you want to talk about what an evil, disgusting, convenience I am?" Spike stared at her. He didn't make a secret of his hurt and anger. Buffy flinched inside, he made her so mad.

"You are evil, Spike. You are a vampire, a soulless demon. You're evil; that's just the way it is. What do you think you are?" Buffy almost screamed at him. She hated that he couldn't accept this, and she hated that sometimes she believed him; He could change.

"So it's all just cut and dry? That's the way it is? Nice simple little world you live in there, Slayer. Must be nice for you, everything fits into it's nice little good or bad package." Spike's jaw was clinched so tightly she saw the muscles throb.

"That's not my world, that's THE world. You're evil, you're a vampire, you're not dust because you're crippled, incapacitated. Just because you can't act like one, doesn't mean you aren't one."

"That's it then? I am evil because of what I am. My actions count for nothing. Ok, Slayer, let's take a look at your black and white world. How many months older than Dawn were you when you got involved with Angel? Even if we ignore the fact that he was more than two centuries older than you were; he was a pedophile. He was in his thirties when he was changed. What would you do if Dawn was sneaking a thirty year old man in her room? He was hardcore statutory rapist who had some fun with some jailbait. He used you up, spit you out, and used that to make your life hell. It didn't end there, he came back, made sure your heart was his, forever, and left you. Said it was harder for him than it was for you, but he was the one who wasn't satisfied with the life you could have together. He used his hundreds of years of experience on earth to seduce a teenaged girl. He moved on, and left a scarred, scared, and alienated child."

"You don't know what you are talking about. Shut up, just shut up." He knew exactly how to hurt her and what was inside her. He always did. She knew she was special, but when she looked at Dawn and realized she was the age Buffy was when she started Slaying she felt completely cheated of her youth. Sometimes she felt like Angel took so much of her innocence, too much to ever be normal. She couldn't bare anyone doing that to Dawn.

"Don't I? That's the black and white of it Buffy. Want to know what else is black and white in this world? Dawn isn't your sister. Never was, never will be. She's not even a real human. Willow is an evil witch. Uses black magic to raise the dead, messes with people's lives. Harms others. Uses her power to bend the universe to her will, at her leisure. Xander is a loser. Not successful, not bright; never will be. He is also a hypocrite the never really accepted you could love a demon, but he is the only one to get engaged to one."

"You're scum, slime, worthless. None of that is true. None of it. Go to hell!"

"This is your black and white world. Not very pretty is it? You're right, it's not true, none of it, because the world isn't black and white. I'm the only one you see in black and white. It's because I love you, and I'm every thing you want, and you need, and you are so scared of it you can hardly stand it."

"The only one I ever wanted, or needed is gone"

"Yeah, he's gone. You're still here. Guess you don't need him so much, and he doesn't need you, guess he didn't want what you could've had together. I want you, I need you, I love you. But I'm evil. I know you Slayer, I've always known you. I care about your sister, care about your friends, worked by their side all summer while you were gone, took care of her. Doesn't mean anything, I'm evil. I'll do anything for you, but it doesn't matter, I'm evil. Should I get cursed with a soul? Would that do it? I wouldn't be evil then, is that it? If I was cursed with a soul, and we made love, you would wake up in the morning with me, because I love you right now. I don't have a soul. I am who I am, and I love you, and nothing will change that. I love who you are, not who you were, or who you might be. Every moment that exists, I love you in that moment, as it passes. As long as you're you, and I'm me, I will love you, but I'm evil. No hope for me."

"I'm gone. I'm out of here. Stay away from me."

"Goodbye, pet, do me a favor?"

"Yeah, right"

"Just do me a favor. Just don't lie to yourself for one hour and see how you really feel about everything"

"Spike," she looked at him, and she really did feel something "I know I don't love you."

"I know. Maybe there's something there, I know there's something there. Maybe if you could face the truth for two seconds instead of all the lies you have set up so you don't have to see the world as it really is you could see it too. It might even be easier."

"It doesn't get easier. It's just... hard." Buffy was hiding it well, but she felt near hysterical. Thoughts kept rushing into her head, and she felt almost powerless to stop them. It hurt. She felt her chest constrict and she had to leave. She ran out of the crypt, Spike staring after her. He was concerned, he was hopeful, he wanted to fallow her so badly, but he knew she needed to be alone. He hoped she would give herself the sixty minutes he had asked for her to see the world as it was, for just one hour. He knew it was all she needed.

~~~~~~~

Buffy felt her breath tearing out of her chest in ragged bursts; her stomach and chest were wound so tightly she could barely function. She didn't want to look at the world as it was. She had fought so hard to put the walls up, the thick, dark barriers to the truth that kept her safe were falling. She didn't want to see the truth, but it was flowing over the battlements, flooding her mind, and she was powerless against it. There was nothing in the world she could not overcome except her own mind and heart working against her.

She saw Angel walking away from her, all her dreams shattering. "You're all I've ever loved," yet he still walked away. She still loved him, she could never have him but now she knew why.

So many reasons and they all come down to that.

Buffy's head spun wildly and she had to sit down, so she did. She sat down crossed-legged in the middle of the sidewalk and looked up and down the empty street. She thought about how her life was as normal right now as it ever would be; she was a slayer sleeping with a neutered vampire who seemed to be desperately in love with her, her best friend was going through magic withdrawal, her other best friend was in the midst's of planning his wedding to an ex-vengeance demon, her quasi-sister was devastated her surrogate mother (who happened to be her magic addicted best friend's lesbian, witch ex-lover) moving out, and she was having trouble adjusting to being dead for three months, in heaven, and possibly something other than human.

She had an expiration date, she came from a long line of people who died young as part of their destiny. She wanted to die, she wanted to be in heaven again, but the world needed her. She was so tired and she was denied every possible happiness. Suddenly her head snapped up and her jaw dropped.

She knew the only thing stopping her was herself, but that didn't make it any easier. She knew he wasn't evil, and it was a lame excuse, but it didn't make things any simpler. She felt such intensely rich emotion for him; she felt that fight. She knew she could be happy, and she knew she could fall; she didn't know if she could let herself. She started the walk back to his crypt.

She felt weak, exposed, and vulnerable, but she felt. He made her feel, and she needed that. She really needed that. Her legs felt rubbery as she walked. She was deeply afraid because she knew exactly where she was going, but had no idea what she would do when she got there. Her heart pounded in her chest, her stomach was in knots, and her head felt fuzzy. Part of her relished in the feeling; remembering life could be scary and unpredictable in good ways.

Before she pushed her way into his crypt she stopped herself and pounded on the door. He opened it wide with a cocky grin and allowed her entrance.

"I guess things have changed, huh?" shakily her words tumbled out of quivering lips.

"It's only been twenty minutes."

He looked at her expectantly, his head cocked to the side, and undisguised hope glowing in his eyes. Buffy walked slowly towards him until they were inches apart. She looked into his eyes. He was almost scared by the mix of emotion in them, he could not read her for the first time.

"I... I something you passionately. I don't know what. I want you." She almost fell over after the words left her mouth. She could swear she physically felt her mental safety net disappearing. She collapsed onto his chest as she felt his arms wrap around her.

"That's a nice start. I love you, as you know."

She felt some of her reservations melt away and her stomach unclenching. She took a deep breath and thought about how small the words were for such a huge step.

"Will it hurt your vampire feelings if we don't tell anyone?"

"For now I can stand being the slayer's dirty little secret."

She just stood there in his arms for a while, letting some of the stress of her admission go. She began to kiss the underside of his jaw while running her hands under his shirt. He pulled away and looked into her eyes.

"I really don't want to hurt you this time. Do I have to punch you to get you downstairs?"

Buffy took a deep breath and felt here fears surface again. She didn't know if she could bear the pleasure without the pain. She didn't know if she could handle the emotions the violence suppressed.

"I want to dance."

Spike looked crushed but grabbed her roughly and savagely kissed her.

"Someday" he whispered against her mouth. She nodded, threading her fingers through his hair, and bit his throat.