Chapter 12 – Shattered Image


Buffy walked through the door of the apartment, saying hello to Xander and
Anya as she walked past them. The party was in full swing, and she couldn’t
spot Spike through the crowd.

“Angel!” she called, seeing the bigger man talking to Cordelia in a corner.

“Hey, Buffy,” he greeted with a smile as Cordy offered a wave.

“Hi, guys, have you seen William?”

“He’s around here somewhere,” Cordy said, looking over the large area,
trying to see through all of the dancing bodies. “There he is, over by the
hall…”

Buffy frowned as Cordy trailed off, turning in the direction she had been
pointing. Her stomach dropped and her heart tightened when she saw him
flirting with two women who could only be described as groupies.

“I’ve seen him every few minutes, Buff,” Angel said, feeling the need to
defend his friend. “It hasn’t gone past talking, and he’s had a lot to
drink. Maybe you should take him somewhere quiet, let him sober up.”

“Yeah,” Buffy said softly, walking toward her boyfriend. “Will?”

“Hello, luv,” he said, turning to face her with a bright smile before
crushing his lips to hers in a claiming kiss. “I’m going to have to get you
out of here,” he purred in a husky voice. “Too many blokes paying attention
to you.”

Buffy saw his gaze peruse her bare legs, barely hidden beneath the short
black skirt. “I was going to say the same about you,” she replied, giving a
pointed look to the women who had obviously been trying to get into his bed.

“You know you’re the only one I want,” he said in a silky voice. “I would
never even think of anyone else, let alone act on it.”

Feeling herself relax, she gave him a smile when Spike grabbed her hand and
led her to his bedroom. Pushing her through the door, she gave him a
tentative smile as he leaned in for a surprisingly tender kiss.

“I missed you tonight,” he whispered, a slur evident in his voice.

“You’ve obviously been having fun.”

“Just needed something to take the edge off.”

Buffy felt her chin tremble when she saw the syringe laying on his dresser.
“Something like heroin?” she asked, her eyes never leaving the offending
object.

Spike glanced over his shoulder, his fuzzy brain comprehending what she was
looking at. “Come on, baby,” he said with a drunken smile, turning back to
face her. “The tour is over- I was just celebrating.”

Looking into his eyes, she noticed, for the first time, how contracted his pupils were. Pushing away from him, she shakily picked up the needle, fighting the tears in her eyes as she turned back to him, trying not to remember the bandage that she had seen the other night and forced herself not to ask about, obviously covering his track marks. Trying not to think about the lack of withdrawals or the seeming easiness that he had adapted to his new lifestyle. Trying not to think that she had put her trust into a man who didn’t care.

“You never stopped, did you?” she asked angrily. “This whole time, you’ve
been lying to me.”

“Relax, Buff,” he said in a slurred voice. She honestly didn’t know what
was causing the look in his eyes- the alcohol or the drugs. “Why don’t you
try some? It might help you lighten up.”

“I cannot believe you just said that to me,” Buffy whispered, backing away
from him and tossing the needle back onto the flat surface of the dresser.
“I’m leaving.”

“No, you’re not,” Spike replied in a strangely subdued voice, advancing on
her.

Buffy suddenly felt as if she was trying to get away from an animal before
it attacked.

“I told you what would happen if you did this again,” she whispered with
tears shining in her eyes. “I was willing to overlook the drinking, but I’m
not doing this. I’m leaving. It’s over.”

Turning toward the door, Buffy gasped when she felt Spike seize her
shoulders and jerk her away from the door. Her heart accelerated as he
desperately threw her down on the bed, his body quickly pinning her in place.
Trying to get over her shock, Buffy lashed out at him, hitting his chest and
clawing at his face.

“Let me go!” she screamed, feeling panic rise up in her when she saw the
determined look in his eyes.

“You think you can just leave!” he screamed, his voice taking on a frantic quality as he tried to get her arms in his grip while she struck out at him. “I can’t let you go! I won’t! I can’t be without you!”

“Let go!” Buffy screamed, trying to push against him with all of her
strength.

“I’m not letting you go, Buffy. I am never letting you go!” His tone was
taking on a desperate quality as he took a different approach. His lips
sought hers out to capture them as she evaded his touch. “You’re mine.”

“Will, please, please,” she sobbed when she felt his hands grasp at her
shirt.

“You’ll feel it again, Buffy…”

“Spike, please don’t do this!” she screamed.

“I’m gonna make you feel it,” he said through gritted teeth, the sound of
fabric ripping filling the room.

“Stop!”

Stumbling backwards all of a sudden, Spike moved to advance on her again
when he felt himself thrown into a wall. Looking up in a daze, he saw Angel
and Xander blocking his view of Buffy. His foggy brain tried to contemplate
why they were there, his eyes widening when he realized what he’d almost
done. Frantically looking at Buffy, Spike tried to get to her, this time in
desperation of making sure she was okay.

“Ask me again if I trust you,” she said through gritted teeth, tears
streaming down her cheeks as she tried to hold her tattered shirt together.

“Buffy, my God, I didn’t-”

“They stopped you!” Taking a deep breath, she looked up at him with wide
eyes. Flinching when she saw him move forward, she eagerly backed toward the
door. “Which is something I should have done a long time ago.”

“Buffy!” he yelled, watching her run out the door as Angel and Xander held
him in place.

“Don’t do it,” Angel said through gritted teeth.

“You’ll just make it worse, Spike,” Xander said, tightening his hold on the
other man.

“I have to get to her,” Spike yelled, trying to jerk his arms away. His
heart felt like it was splitting in two as the memories of what almost
happened came back to him. “I need to make sure she’s okay.”

“Xander, you go,” Angel said, flinging Spike against the wall. “Make sure
she gets home okay.”


Chapter 13 – Tell Him…


“Let go of me, Angel,” Spike growled, staring the other man in the eye.

“Like hell,” Angel muttered, pinning Spike to the wall by his neck. “You’re
too messed up to know what you’re doing. I’m sure as hell not going to let
you go scare her anymore.”

“I’m not…I didn’t…I didn’t mean to…”

Angel finally relented his crushing hold when Spike seemed to come to terms
with what he’d done, sobering in an instant. He watched as the blonde
collapsed on the floor, his face turning a startling shade of white.

“I never wanted to hurt her,” he said in a low whisper, his hands traveling
up to his face. “God, I never meant to hurt her.”

Angel watched as Spike’s shoulders began to shake with the force of his
tears. He was torn between wanting to comfort a lifelong friend and wanting
to see him suffer for the horrible act he’d nearly committed.

“She called me Spike,” he whispered miserably.

“What?” Angel asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at the other
man.

“Right before you came in…she didn’t call me Will- she called me Spike.”

It was amazing how something so simple hurt him nearly as much as the
memories that were assaulting him.

After several long minutes, Spike raised his tearstained face to his friend.
“Make sure she’s okay.”

“Xander’s gone after her.”

“No, Angel. I need to know if she’s really alright. Not whatever she tells
Xander. He’ll believe anything. Just…make sure she’s okay.”

* * * * *

“Buffy, wait!”

“Just leave me alone, Xander,” Buffy replied, trying to fight the tears in
her eyes. Her body was running on shock and adrenaline and she didn’t want
to slow down long enough for the brutal truth to catch up with her.

“Please wait,” Xander said, running around her to block her path but wisely
not touching her. “Let me give you a lift. You’re not in any condition to
walk through the streets of this city like that.”

Sniffling slightly, Buffy clutched at her shirt as she nodded. She offered
him a grateful smile when he shrugged out of his coat and wrapped it around
her shoulders.

Staying a safe distance away, he led her to his car, parked a few blocks
away. Neither spoke as he opened the door for her and quickly walked around
to the other side.

“Buffy-”

“If you make one excuse for him, I will jump out of this car. I don’t care
if it’s moving or not.”

“I wasn’t going to,” he mumbled, suddenly feeling more insecure.

“Sorry,” Buffy muttered, looking at her hands as she clenched and unclenched
them into fists. “What were you going to say?”

“How are you?” Xander asked, looking over at her when they stopped at a
stoplight.

“Peachy, you?”

“I’m not trying to…I just wanted to make sure he didn’t hurt you.”

Trying to keep the attitude and sarcasm out of her voice, Buffy took a deep
breath. Xander wasn’t the one she should be mad at, and she had no right to
snap at him for simply trying to be sweet to her.

“I’ll be okay,” she whispered. “I just need to rest.”

Her voice was so weak that Xander merely nodded, staying quiet as Buffy
pointed out the way to her apartment.

* * * * *

The next afternoon, Buffy walked around her apartment, unsure of what to do
with herself. She had cleaned everything she could at least three times,
tried to watch TV, and cleaned out her closet. Anything to keep her mind
off of Spike.

Fidgeting with her sweater and jeans, Buffy debated whether she should
change her clothes for the third time but decided against it. She was
covered and she still felt vulnerable. She had already taken four showers
in the past twelve hours and cried for nearly that long.

Hearing a knock on the door, Buffy jumped but quickly took a steadying
breath. “Who is it?” she asked, putting one hand on the flat surface and
cursing herself for almost wishing it was Spike.

“It’s Angel.”

Her shoulders sagged, but she didn’t know whether it was relief or remorse.
Unlocking the door, Buffy stood back and let the brunette enter, unable to
make eye contact with him.

“I have a feeling I know why you’re here,” she said softly, shutting the
door. “Go ahead and sit down.”

As Angel took a seat in a nearby chair, Buffy sat down on the couch,
bringing her legs up to her chest.

“Out with it,” she said, raising her eyes to his.

“He’s worried about you.”

“Considering he was there and he knows exactly what he did to me, I would be
a little surprised if he wasn’t worried.”

“What should I tell him?”

“Let him worry,” Buffy replied, her eyes cold as she looked at him.

Angel stayed quiet for a moment, clasping his hands in front of him. “Are
you alright?”

“I-”

“And I don’t want a generic answer,” he said, cutting her off. “I’m asking
you if you’re really alright, and I have a feeling that the answer should be
a resounding ‘no’.”

“Alright,” Buffy replied, standing up and pacing around the small living
room. “If you really want to know- NO! I’m not alright!”

Seeing the tears in her eyes, Angel gave her a compassionate look but
stayed quiet as she walked around the area.

“What does he expect?” she cried, throwing her arms up in the air. “It was
like he was trying to get rid of me. ‘Flirt with other girls- check. Shoot
up on heroin- check. Attack your girlfriend- check.’” Dropping down on the
couch, Buffy bit her lip as tears came to her eyes. “He raped me,” she
murmured, causing Angel’s eyes to widen in shock. “Maybe not physically,
but he stripped me of every emotional strength and defense that I have. He
made me feel like…like I was worthless.” Raising her eyes to Angel’s, she
tightened her jaw in anger. “He made me feel like a victim, and that’s
something that I don’t take lightly. So go back to your client or your
friend or whatever the hell you consider him to be today and tell him that
it was a job well done.”

Standing up, Buffy walked toward the door, twisting the knob when she heard
Angel’s voice behind her. “He’s in pain, Buffy.”

“Good.”

“I know you think that’s what he deserves and maybe he does. Lord knows that I wanted him to hurt and I only caught the end of the show. But he’s trying to quit with everything. He’s making plans to…he’s really trying this time and he’s scared to death that he hurt you. And I need to ask you what you want me to tell him.”

Tears came to her eyes as Buffy tried to think of something she could say.

“Tell him…tell him that…that I’m okay. Tell him I don’t want to see him.
Tell him that he hurt me, but it was disregarding my feelings that hurt the
most….tell him I trusted him and all I want is for him to get better. But
he needs to get better for himself and not for me, because I…I just can’t be
with him…not right now.”

Never facing Angel, Buffy opened the door and waited for him to walk through
before closing it and dissolving in tears for what she told herself would be
the final time.

 

Chapter 14 – Where Do We Go From Here?


“Spike.”

Looking up when he heard her voice, so soft and full of compassion, Spike let a gentle smile play on his features. Her mere presence did wonders to relax him.

“I'm in trouble, Buffy,” he whispered.

“I can help you.”

“I could never ask. Not after…”

“It's different,” she insisted, looking at him with hope in her eyes. “You're different.”

“I could never ask,” he repeated in a whisper.

“Spike, it's me,” she insisted. “It's you and it's me, and we'll get through this.”

“Never…”

He trailed off, nervously putting his hand behind his ear and nearly jumping in surprise when Buffy reached out to take it in hers.

“We'll get through this.”

Opening his eyes, Spike felt his entire body constrict with pain. Looking around the small room, all of the warmth was ripped from it when he didn’t see her. Feeling the sweat along his forehead and the uncontrollable shaking that ran through his body, he let his head fall back to rest against the wall, trying to conjure her face from his memory and ignore the tears that were streaming down his face. The only sound that filled the room was a soft whisper.

“Buffy.”

* * * * *

8 Months Later


Wiping off the tables in the club, Buffy looked at the clock for the third
time in ten minutes. With a heavy sigh, she continued cleaning the beer
bottles and napkins from the table before heading back to the bar.

“How’re you holding up, sweet pea?” Lorne asked when Buffy dropped her tray
on the bar.

“It’s been a long night,” she muttered, relieved when Parker walked over to
her.

“You ready to call it a night, Buff?”

“Yes,” she replied gratefully, untying the small apron from around her
waist.

“You know,” Parker said with a grin, looking her up and down. “The night
could just be beginning.”

“No thanks,” she said, restraining herself from rolling her eyes and walking
past her boss and into the nearby office.

“When are you going to take me up on my offer, Buffy?” Parker asked,
following her as she tossed her apron on a shelf and clocked out.

“I’m not interested, Parker,” Buffy said, not giving him a second glance.
“I’m not going to date my boss, and even if that wasn’t the case, I’m not
interested.”

Without waiting for a reply, Buffy was out the door and practically flying
through the club. She hated this job. The only bright spot was being able
to work with Lorne on a regular basis. The hours were horrible, and having
to avoid being sexually harassed every night definitely wasn’t high on her
list for a good time.

Shivering when she walked out of the club, Buffy paused, trying to clear her
lungs of the smoke that seemed to permeate her body. Staying still for a
moment, she suddenly got the distinct impression that she was being watched,
and there was only one person alive who could cause the feelings that seemed
to be washing over her.

Standing where she was, Buffy couldn’t bring herself to turn around and face
the man she hadn’t seen in months. The man who was now burned in her memory
for giving her one of the most terrifying experiences of her life…and also some of
the best ones.

Closing her eyes for a brief moment, she tried to stop the trembling that
seemed to take over.

“What do you want?” she asked quietly, not trusting herself to turn around
yet.

“I had to see you.”

Finally turning to face him, she gave Spike a long, hard look, taking in the
change in his appearance. The all-black look was gone, replaced with blue
jeans, a pale blue shirt, and a short leather jacket. His formerly white
hair was now a dark brown with pale blonde tips, and if it was possible, it
made him look even more gorgeous. The added weight was obviously muscle, and
his face wasn’t as gaunt as it used to be. Buffy had to remind herself that
they weren’t together anymore. That she couldn’t just walk up to him and
throw her arms around his neck and forget the past eight months with a kiss.

Nearly shaking her head to clear it of the disturbing thoughts, Buffy
crossed her arms over her chest when she noticed his eyes were perusing her,
much in the same way she’d been staring at him.

“You’ve seen me,” she muttered. “I’m going now.”

“Please wait,” he said in a soft voice, shoving his hands in the pockets of
his coat.

“For what?” she asked through clenched teeth.

“I…can we talk?”

Buffy looked him up and down for a minute before answering, “Are you
sober?”

“I am.”

“Are you on anything?”

“No.”

Glancing down at the ground, her arms tightened around her body. “Fine,”
she said softly, tensing when Spike approached her before taking a step
back.

Spike noticed and stopped. “Buffy-”

“Do not start by saying you're sorry,” she cut him off, her jaw clenching in
anger.

“I didn't come here to atone,” he said quietly.

“Then what the hell do you want?”

“I…I don’t really know. I guess I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“You did that already,” Buffy replied, turning around to walk down the
sidewalk. “You sent Angel to check on me eight months ago…I’ve had time to
get over it.”

“Have you?” he asked, falling into step beside her and watching her
intently.

“I’m fine,” she said through clenched teeth.

Spike stayed quiet for a few moments as they walked through the city.
“Buffy, the reason I came…besides wanting to check on you…I wanted to start
over.”

Buffy stopped walking, her eyes widening as she tried to control her
breathing before turning to look at him. “Are you crazy?”

“I don’t mean…start over, the way you’re thinking. I want to earn your
trust.”

“Look, this… it's not a way for us to get back together, if that's what you
want,” she said, still looking at him in shock.

“It's not. Look, I can't blame you for being all skittish.”

“Skittish?” she asked in disbelief. “That's not a word I would use for it.
You tried to rape me. I don't have the words.”

“Neither do I…I can't say sorry. Can't use 'forgive me'. All I can say is-
Buffy, I've changed.”

“The rehab,” she murmured in understanding before walking again.

“So you heard.”

“Kind of hard not to,” she whispered. “One of the biggest rock stars in the
world is getting treatment for two addictions, and it’s everywhere you look.
The news, magazines…it was all over the place.”

“Including what I did to you,” he said quietly, his voice filled with shame.

“No one knew it was me,” she said softly. “Xander and Angel kept quiet.
All anyone knew was that you had too much to drink and…almost took things
too far with an anonymous blonde.”

“I never meant to,” he whispered in a choked voice, tears already building
up in his eyes. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

Staying quiet for a long moment, Buffy could see her apartment building in
the distance as they continued to walk. “I know you didn’t want to hurt me,
Spike…but you did and that’s…”

“Unforgivable,” he murmured, unable to look at her when Buffy turned her
gaze to him.

Not knowing what to say, they continued to walk in silence until they
reached the steps that led to her building. Finally turning to face him,
Buffy felt tears begin to spill over when she realized that she wanted
nothing more than to let him take her in his arms and hold her.

“Why did you lie to me?” she asked in a trembling voice.

Spike watched the tears fall and felt as if his heart was breaking all over again.
“Because I knew I would lose you,” he replied, straining to speak against
the lump in his throat. “I didn’t think I could make it without you.”

Looking at the ground for a moment, Buffy bit her lip before turning her gaze back to him. “That night…would you have stopped?” she asked, her voice trembling with emotion.

Spike looked at her for a moment before realizing she wasn’t talking about
the drugs. “I don’t know.”

“That’s not true.”

After a long pause, Spike looked up at her with watery eyes. “I don’t think
I would have,” he said in a choked voice.

Buffy took a deep breath, unconsciously taking a step away from him.
“Points for honesty,” she murmured. “Points off for what you’re being
honest about.”

“I should go,” Spike whispered, trying to find the strength to turn away
from her and leave.

“That would probably be best.”

“I love you,” he murmured, raising his eyes to hers. “I love you so much.”

Tearing her eyes away from his intense gaze, Buffy took a shaky breath. “I
know.”

“Can I see you again?”

“I…”

“Not a date. I know you don’t want that, I just…I just wanted to see you
again, but if you don’t…”

“I don’t know what you’re hoping for,” Buffy whispered. “If you…if you stay like this, if you stay healthy I might be able to give you this,” she said, gesturing between the two of them. “But that’s it, Spike.”

Taking a shaky breath, Spike nodded. “I can live with that.”

 

Chapter 15 – Changed Lifestyles


“Come on, B! Please, just go with me tonight. Don’t make me beg.”

Buffy sighed as she finished clearing off one of the tables in the club.
“Faith, I already told you- I’m working! I know you’re off tonight, but
that doesn’t mean I can just drop a shift and go running off to a concert.”

‘Especially when it’s your ex’s comeback concert,’ she thought, nearly
dropping a glass when her hands began trembling.

“I can get Parker to let you go early,” Faith continued, not noticing
Buffy’s pale face.

“Why is this so important?” Buffy asked, turning toward the brunette. They
weren’t friends, they never had been, so she couldn’t help but wonder why
Faith would be so desperate for Buffy to join her that night.

“Okay,” Faith said with a sigh. “I’ll level with you. My brother won’t
give me my ticket unless I invite you.”

“No,” Buffy said, shaking her head as she walked toward the bar, dropping
her tray on the counter with a loud crack.

“Please, B,” she said with a soft look in her doe-brown eyes.

“Faith, we went on one date! I told him that there’s nothing between us, so
just tell him that I’m busy or seeing someone or…washing my hair! I don’t
care what you tell him, but I don’t want to go,” she finished with a shake
of her head as she wiped off the bar.

“Fine,” Faith replied with a heavy, exaggerated sigh. “I guess I’ll just go
and sit at home, all by myself on a Saturday night.”

Rolling her eyes, Buffy let her head fall to the hard surface before
admitting defeat. “Fine! I’ll go. But you make sure to let your brother
know that it’s not a date.”

“I will. I’ll handle everything, B! You don’t know how much I appreciate
this!”

* * * * *

Buffy looked in the mirror as she stood in the women’s restroom, surveying
her appearance. After getting the ‘okay’ from Parker, Faith had proceeded
to go home and bring some clothes for Buffy to change into. Or more
accurately a dress- if it could be called that. The backless halter dress
that she was wearing was much more revealing than she felt comfortable with,
held together with a strap around her neck and dipped low in the back…too
low for Buffy’s tastes. The neckline draped low, showing off her cleavage
and dropping even lower.

“I’m definitely going to fall out of this thing,” she muttered, turning to
look at her profile. “One way or another,” she finished, worrying her
bottom lip as she looked at the high slit that nearly extended up to her
hip, accentuating the already short skirt. She was definitely not in her
comfort zone. At least she could just watch the concert and go home. With
his throngs of adoring fans, she knew there was no chance she would be
seeing Spike tonight.

“B! Get your ass in gear! We’re going to be late.”

Exhaling sharply, Buffy fluffed her straightened hair and took a calming
breath. “Relax,” she murmured, closing her eyes to get a brief sense of
peace before walking out the door.

* * * * *

“Wow,” Ben said in quiet appreciation. “That was a great concert. Well
worth the wait since the lead guy was in rehab. What do you think, Buffy?”

She merely smiled at Faith’s brother, quickly distracted when Faith grabbed
her hand and began dragging her away from their seats.

“Faith, where are we going?” Buffy asked, slightly alarmed.

“Backstage passes,” Ben spoke up, matching strides with her.

“What?” Buffy asked in alarm. “No!” she cried, turning to Faith and seeing
that they were dangerously close to the area. “I-I don’t want to go back
there.”

“Why not?” Faith asked, turning around after handing the security guard
their passes. “You get to see a bunch of hotties and maybe get to flirt a
little bit.”

“Come on, Buffy,” Ben said, slipping his arm around her waist.

Still too stunned to push him away, Buffy allowed herself to be led through
the cramped area, resigning herself to the fact that she had offered Spike
her friendship and she would at least take a step in the right direction.

Seeing Angel in the distance talking to Riley and trying to get around the
adoring fans, Buffy relaxed. She could handle saying hello to some people
that she knew, and if one of those people happened to be Spike, so be it.

“Angel!” she called, slipping out of Ben’s grasp and making her way over to
the manager, waving when he turned around and offered her a smile.

“Hey, Buff!” he said, giving her a small hug when she approached. “How’ve
you been?”

“I’ve-”

“Angel, we’re…”

Buffy turned at the sound of the low whistle, smiling when she saw Gunn
standing behind her.

“Damn!” he said, taking in the dress, or lack thereof, that Buffy was
wearing. “Looking more fine than normal. Where’s my hello?” he asked with
a flirtatious grin.

Giving him a peck on the cheek, Buffy turned when she heard someone clearing
their throat behind her. Turning around, her eyes widened when she saw Ben
and Faith behind her. “Oh, I’m sorry,” she said, gesturing toward the two
people in front of her and quickly making introductions.

“Buffy,” Angel said, gently taking her arm and leading her a few steps away.
“Did you want to see Spike?”

“Umm…no…no, that’s okay,” she replied, shaking her head and offering a
forced smile.

“I think he’d want to see you,” he whispered.

“I’ve seen him, Angel,” she said softly. “It’s really…”

Buffy trailed off, hearing the familiar voice behind her.

“And if he still wants to see you?”

Turning around, she offered yet another forced smile when she saw Spike.
People were practically swarming around him as he maintained eye contact
with Buffy. She felt as if she was getting lost in his deep blue eyes and
she knew the feeling was reciprocated as she watched him slowly approach.

Jumping when she felt Ben’s hand on her hip, bringing her crashing back to
reality as she tore her gaze away from Spike’s, Buffy had time to see the
hurt look that crossed his face.

“You know him?” Ben asked.

“Yeah,” Buffy whispered, maneuvering her body away from his as Spike
approached. “Spike, this is Ben,” she said softly, biting her lip when Ben
held out his hand.

Spike merely raised an eyebrow at the hand, waiting until Ben dropped it.

“Your date?” Spike asked, tightening his jaw.

Buffy opened her mouth to respond, surprised when she heard Ben’s voice
instead.

“Yes.”

Preparing to correct him, she felt her stomach tighten when she watched
Faith manage to squeeze through the throngs of girls and practically plaster
herself to Spike’s side.

“Hi,” she purred. “I’m Faith.”

Narrowing his eyes on Buffy for a brief moment, he saw the jealousy flash
over her face before turning back to the brunette by his side. “Hello,
pet,” he said with a smile. “Friends of yours?” he asked, gesturing to
Buffy and Ben.

“Yeah,” Faith replied. “Why do you ask?”

“Party at my place tonight,” he said, shooting a glance at Buffy and seeing
her flinch at the mention of another party. “A welcome back of sorts. Care
to come?”

“Yeah,” Faith and Ben replied simultaneously.

“Great,” he said with a smile, his eyes clashing with Buffy’s. “Check with
Angel and he’ll tell you everything you need to know.”

Watching the brunette’s depart, Spike easily broke away from the crowd after
motioning to the security guards, grabbing Buffy loosely by her arm and
leading her to a more secluded area.

“What the hell are you trying to pull?” she asked angrily, jerking her arm
out of his grasp.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about, pet,” he replied with an innocent
look.

“Are you just jumping back into the lifestyle, Spike?” she asked, crossing
her arms over her chest. “The women, the alcohol, the drugs? Was it all
just a publicity stunt- go into rehab and pretend to start a new life?”

“No,” he said in a low voice, tilting his head to study her for a moment.
“Do you really think I would go through everything- the pain, the
withdrawals- just to start it all over again?”

“I don’t know,” Buffy whispered.

Glancing over his shoulder at the other man, Spike took a deep breath before
turning back to Buffy. “Are you really telling me you’re happy with that
pillock?”

Briefly looking at Ben, Buffy took a deep breath before turning back to Spike. “I’m never happy,” she admitted, seeing her pain reflected in his eyes.

“You could be,” he murmured, tenderly brushing her hair off her shoulder.

“With you?” she asked skeptically.

“With me,” he replied with a nod before his voice dropped to a low,
seductive tone. “You look amazing.” When she didn’t say anything, he
gently tilted her head up, looking into her eyes. “Come over tonight.”

“What?”

“I want to prove it to you…I want you to see that I’m not the same guy I
used to be.”

“I’ll be there,” she said softly. “But only because I have a feeling that I
won’t have a ride home until I get dragged over there.”

“I’ve changed, Buffy,” he said in an earnest tone.

Avoiding his eyes, she slowly began backing away from him. “I’ll believe it
when I see it.”


 

Chapter 16 - Illusions


Walking into the party with a heavy heart, Buffy had half a mind to
call a cab and get out of there as soon as she could. The sense of déjà vu that seemed to overwhelm her senses when she walked through the door almost sent her back into the hallway.

'This was exactly how it was,' she thought, swallowing hard, trying to
choke back her warring emotions. 'Walk into a party, you think
everything is okay, and then you see him and...

Her thoughts seemed to trail off when she caught a glimpse of platinum
hair across the room. Seeing Faith bolt to the other side of the room
to stand at his side, she felt the sickening feeling inside of her
grow.

"Do you want a drink?" Ben asked with a gentle smile.

"God, yes," she muttered, already walking toward the bar that was set
up along one wall, making a conscious effort to not look in Spike's
direction. She could practically feel his eyes on her, but a small
part of her wondered if it was wishful thinking on her part. After
all, William had never done anything to her but act the role of a
perfect gentleman. It was 'Spike' who hurt her. Of course, since
they were combined in the same man, Buffy didn't want to make the same
mistake of trusting him twice- not until she knew she could.

Grabbing a shot off the bar, Buffy quickly downed it, uncaring of what
the alcohol was. Making a face as the liquid burned down her throat,
she slammed it onto the hard surface and reached for another. Turning
around to face the room as she tipped the shot glass, her eyes briefly
connected with Spike's before closing and tilting her head back,
quickly swallowing more of the alcohol.

"You okay?" Ben asked when she finally glanced up at him, a surprised
look on her face when she remembered he'd been the one she'd shown up
with.

"Fine," Buffy muttered, already feeling a little lightheaded from the liquor.

"Okay," he said with a soft smile. "I'm going to go try and meet some
of the band members. You wanna come?"

"No thanks," Buffy replied, giving him a tense smile when he turned to
walk away.

Turning her back on the room, she bit her lip, surveying the vast
amount of alcohol that was laying before her. All thoughts drifted
from her head- not remembering Spike, not remembering her dad, not
remembering her promise to herself that she would never do this, Buffy
picked up a beer and tilted her head back, letting the bitter liquid
settle the burning in her throat that the harder alcohol had caused.

"Pace yourself, luv."

The soothing voice traveled toward her and she felt an immediate sense
of comfort wash over her before she remembered the last eight months.

"What do you care?" she asked, turning around and trying not to show
how his presence always seemed to unsettle her.

"I care about you," he said softly, gently taking her by the arm and
leading her toward the nearby hallway.

"Where's Faith?" Buffy asked, unable to hide the contempt in her voice.

"Who?"

"Leather pants, doe eyes?"

"Just described half the girls who are here, pet."

Glancing around the secluded area, Buffy suddenly realized Spike's
close proximity and the fact that they were virtually alone.

"I should get back out there," she murmured, trying to focus as the
alcohol made its way through her bloodstream, already making her sway
back and forth slightly.

"Who's the new guy?" Spike asked softly, trying to keep any accusation
out of his tone.

"Who?" Buffy asked, blinking rapidly to focus her eyes.

"The guy who brought you here."

"Ben?"

Spike merely looked at her.

"He's a friend," she said, shaking her head to clear it and
immediately bracing herself against the wall behind her as everything
seemed to be swimming in front of her.

"And your date," he added, reaching out to steady her with one hand on her hip.

Buffy sighed, closing her eyes as she leaned her head against the
wall. "He's not my date," she whispered, shaking her head. "He's not
my anything. We had one date after...and nothing happened."

"Who is he?"

"He's Ben," Buffy replied, opening her eyes and giving him a questioning look.

"Is he good for you?"

"Is this 'friend Spike' now?" she asked, suddenly becoming angry with
all the questions.

"This is 'concerned Will'," he retorted.

"You're not Will," she murmured, bracing her hands against the wall.

"Then who am I?" he asked, watching as she finished off her beer
before he could stop her.

"You're Spike," she muttered, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Do you really believe that?" he asked, taking a step forward and
effectively pushing her against the wall.

Buffy's heartbeat skyrocketed at his close proximity. She knew that
the gesture was meant to be entirely innocent, but she couldn't help
the twinge of fear that passed through her.

"I need to go," she whispered.

"Buffy-"

Reaching out to gently caress her cheek, Spike immediately jumped away
when he noticed her trembling.

"I'm sorry, luv," he said frantically. "I didn't...I would never...not again-"

"Spike-"

"You can go," he whispered, taking another step away from her. "If
that's what you want, you can leave. I never meant to…"

Buffy pressed her fingertips to her temples, trying to massage away the headache that was forming. "I'm just so tired," she murmured in a voice that made Spike's heart ache. "I'm
so tired of everything-of the drama, of my life, of-"

"Me?" he whispered.

"No," she said, shaking her head. "Me."

* * * * *

An hour later, Spike kept a careful eye on Buffy as she swayed back
and forth, downing yet another shot. He didn't know how many this was
for her, but it was far past his breaking point. Seeing some friends
of his blatantly hitting on her, Spike finally walked over to the
small blonde who was giggling irrationally by this time. He was
willing to bet all the money he had that she hadn't even heard
anything funny- unless it was in her own head, of course.

"Spike," she said with a bright smile, practically throwing herself in his arms.

Nothing could have surprised him more than seeing the woman he loved
show him so much trust in the state she was in. He would have assumed
that in her drunken state, all of her hatred for him would have been
brought to the surface, but it appeared to be the opposite. She
seemed to glow as she looked at him with such trust that he felt
his entire body ache and tears come to his eyes when he realized that
this was just an illusion.

Wrapping her arms around his neck, Buffy sighed in contentment when
she rested her head against his chest. "I've missed you," she
mumbled, her voice muffled.

"Missed you, too, luv," he whispered, his voice choked with emotion.

"I don't feel very good," she murmured, clutching at his shoulders.
"Can I lay down?"

Looking around the apartment, Spike sighed. The party was still going
strong, but he knew he couldn't deny her.

"I'll take you home," he said softly.

"No," she whispered, already falling asleep against him. "I don't
want to leave you."

'Bloody brilliant,' Spike thought, clenching his jaw.



Chapter 17 – Believing


Opening her eyes, Buffy groggily looked around the room she was in. It looked vaguely familiar as she tried to place where she was before she groaned and pressed her hands to her temples, trying to dissuade the headache that was rapidly making itself known, from spreading.

Groaning in pain, she slowly sat up, noticing that she was in a bed. A very familiar bed. Glancing around, her stomach flipped as her eyes widened, realizing where she was.

‘Oh God, he wouldn’t,’ she thought, her brain already clicking over to blind panic. ‘He wouldn’t, not…not like this…even if…’

Buffy felt tears spring to her eyes as images came back to her.

“Please, I need you,” she murmured as she felt his hands gently remove her dress.

Grabbing his shoulders and pulling him down to the bed, her lips eagerly sought his, gasping as she pushed against his covered erection and felt his body over hers. Her body arched as her hands twined through his hair, feeling his lips on her neck.

“Spike, please.”

“No,” Buffy whispered, her chin trembling as her hands traveled up to her face. Sobs shook through her as her entire body started to shake.

Hearing the door open, she immediately grabbed the comforter and pulled it more securely around her.

“Buffy?”

“I need to go home,” she muttered, not bothering to look up as she climbed out of bed. Searching for her dress while still wrapped in the heavy blanket, she tried to keep her mind from wandering. Seeing it on a nearby chair, Buffy quickly made her way over to it, shuddering when she felt his hand grab her arm. “Let me go, Spike.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked in concern, turning her to look at him.

“I just need to go.”

“Not until you tell me what’s wrong.”

“You…we…last night, you…”

Dropping her arm as if he’d been burned, Spike took a step away with a pained look on his face.

“You think that I would actually take advantage of you?”

“Didn’t you?” Buffy countered, her jaw set in anger.

“No,” he growled. “I don’t know what you remember, but you wouldn’t get near that bed last night unless I was with you. So yeah, I kissed you-”

“And undressed me,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Excuse me for thinking that you would be more comfortable in a shirt instead of that scrap of cloth you call a dress!” he replied, his voice rising in anger as he gestured to the chair.

Buffy stayed quiet as she glanced down at herself, realizing for the first time that she was wearing one of his shirts.

“You know what? Forget it,” Spike said, shaking his head and backing away from her. “I know I’ve made some mistakes in the past, but I would never…not like that…”

He trailed off with a choked voice before walking through the door.

“Get dressed,” he muttered. “I know you can’t wait to leave.”

His words were punctuated as he slammed the door behind him.

Buffy closed her eyes, biting her lip as she tried to keep the tears at bay. Taking a deep breath and throwing the comforter back on the bed, she quickly walked out of the room and through the apartment. Hearing the crashing sounds coming from the kitchen, which did nothing for her headache, Buffy timidly walked through the door, nervously tucking her hair behind her ear.

“I didn’t remember everything from last night and…let’s just say, I didn’t remember the right things.”

Seeing his nod, Buffy sighed as she sat down at the table.

“You’re mad,” she muttered, watching as he turned off the flame and tossed the pan to the back of the stove before bracing his hands against the counter on each side of it.

“I’m not,” he said in a soft voice, never looking at her. “Not at you, anyway. I’m mad at me. If I’d never given you reason to believe that I would do that, you never would have…”

Standing up to walk over to him, Buffy gently lay her hand on his back, surprised to feel the quivering in his muscles. “Spike?” she whispered, loosely grabbing his arm and turning him to face her, surprised when she saw the tears that were shimmering in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Buffy,” he whispered, reaching up to stroke her face but stopping before he made contact and letting his hand fall back to his side.

Coming to a decision, Buffy slowly reached for his hand, staring into his eyes as she brought it up to her face. Seeing Spike close his eyes as he cupped her cheek, she felt herself relax when he brought his forehead to hers.

“I know you’re sorry,” she whispered. “I know you weren’t exactly in your right mind, which is why I think this should go slow.”

Jumping slightly when she felt him jerk away from her, Buffy tilted her head in confusion.

“You mean- start over?” he asked in confusion.

“That was kind of the idea,” she murmured, biting her lip and tilting her head as she studied him.

“I don’t deserve that,” Spike replied, shaking his head and moving past her.

“Shouldn’t I be the one to decide that?” Buffy asked in frustration, following him into the living room.

“I hurt you, Buffy,” he said in a choked voice.

“And you hurt yourself,” she replied, walking toward him. “You’re still hurting yourself.”

“What?” he asked in surprise.

“I kind of noticed there was an open bar last night,” she said softly. “I don’t recall that being one of the twelve steps on the road to recovery, but you never went near it.”

“Buffy-”

“You can be a good man, Spike. I’ve seen it. I believe in you.”

The look of shock and surprise on his face brought a smile to hers. Closing the distance between them, he hesitantly stood in front of her, waiting for Buffy to make the next move. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she slowly pulled him to her for a tender hug, relaxing when she felt Spike’s arms around her waist. Resting his chin on the top of her head, he sighed after a minute. “Do you need to go?” he asked softly.

“No,” she whispered. “Not right now.”

“I love you,” he said quietly.

Feeling the slight squeeze of her arms, Spike let his eyes close. For now, it was the only answer he needed.


 

Chapter 18 - Second Chances


“How did it go?” Angel asked, sitting in the chair across from Spike.

“The usual- anger, denial, drama…and Buffy wasn’t much better,” he added with a smirk, tossing the other man a beer bottle before leaning back in his chair and lighting a cigarette.

“Very funny,” Angel muttered. “Are you two okay?”

“I don’t know,” Spike said with a slight shrug. “I think she might give me a second chance…not that I deserve one.”

“Why do you think you don’t deserve one?”

Looking at his friend as if he had lost his mind, Spike clenched his jaw as he glanced at the hallway that led to his bedroom. The same room that he couldn’t walk into without being assaulted by the horrible images of Buffy’s terrified face. “I tried to rape her, Angel,” he said quietly. “I don’t know how she could forgive me for that.”

“It’s up to her,” his friend replied softly. “If she thinks you should be forgiven, then why question it?”

“Because I remember every detail. It all comes back to me with so much clarity that it chokes me. I don’t want to hurt her again,” he said, shaking his head and staring up at the ceiling.

“Do you think you would?”

“No,” Spike replied shaking his head. “At least, I’d like to think I wouldn’t, but is it worth the risk?”

“For you or for her?”

Spike stayed quiet, his jaw tightening as he turned once more to look at the hallway. “For her,” he muttered, feeling a sense of finality run through him.

* * * * *

“Hi!”

Turning toward the chipper voice, Spike had to smile at Buffy as she stood in front of him, looking so refreshingly young and wholesome in a pair of jeans and a sweater. Her hands were clasped behind her back and her ponytail was swinging lightly as she waited for an acknowledgment.

“Evening, pet,” he said with a grin, winding up the remainder of the extension cord.

“I would have been here earlier,” she said, walking past him and hopping up on the small stage that the band used for rehearsals. “But my little maggot of a boss put me on the early shift.”

“I would think that would be a good thing,” Spike said with a soft smile, leaning on the stage as he turned to face her.

“Nope,” she said, shaking her head. “All the tippers come in at night. It’s practically dead in there until midnight, and letting me off at ten is just his meager show of authority.”

“And what does he need to prove to you?” he asked, turning away from her to toss the cord onto the stage and boost himself up to sit next to her.

“That he’s the almighty higher power as far as I’m concerned, and if I would just go on a date with him, he’ll make my life easier.”

Glancing down at the floor, Spike took a deep breath. “And…what do you say to him?”

“That he’s a sleaze who only looks at girls and sees one thing and that’s how to get between their legs,” Buffy replied with a smile. “What did you think I would say?” she asked, leaning over and bumping her shoulder against Spike’s.

“I don’t know,” he replied with a smile of his own. “And you still have a job?”

“Surprisingly,” she said with a laugh.

Spike was mildly surprised that they had fallen into such an effortless rapport, but he wasn’t about to question it. Unfortunately, he was the only one who had that thought.

“So, um…what’s going on? With us…I mean?” she asked hesitantly. “Are we friends?”

“Is that what you want?” he countered nervously.

“Well…you were the one who asked me here to watch the rehearsal. I guess I thought…”

“I want that if you do, pet,” he whispered, wishing that he had the right to want more from her.

“I’d like that,” she said with a smile, looking around the area. “What’s going on tonight?”

“Nothing much,” Spike replied, hopping down from the stage. “Told the guys to go ahead and take off. I just have to turn out the lights and then I’m free.”

“Would you…want to go do something?” Buffy asked, biting her lip as she waited for his answer.

“What’d you have in mind, pet?” he asked, tilting his head to study her with a soft smile.

“I don’t know,” she said with a shrug. “You wanna take a walk or something?”

“I’m thinking the ‘or something’ is probably the safer bet. Don’t really fancy walking the streets of L.A. this time of night.”

“Okay then,” she said, hopping down from her seat. “Where to?”

“Let me lock up and we’ll figure it out.”

“Bathroom?” Buffy asked, looking around the area.

“Around the corner,” Spike said, smiling when Buffy walked off with a bounce in her step. “I’ll meet you outside, Goldilocks.”

“Alright,” she called over her shoulder as Spike shut off the lights, leaving one row on as he grabbed his coat, pulling it on as he walked out the door.

“I was beginning to wonder if you’d ever come out.”

Feeling his blood turn to ice water in his veins, Spike froze. His hands still up around his neck as he adjusted his collar before slowly straightening, he turned toward the familiar voice.

“What are you doing here, Dru?”

“I’ve come to see my sweet William,” the brunette murmured as she approached.

Spike gulped as he looked into her hypnotic eyes, quickly breaking away from her gaze. “You shouldn’t be here,” he muttered, glancing nervously at the building.

“I missed you,” she whispered, sidling up to him and letting her hands run over his chest.

“I didn’t miss you,” he replied, catching her hands in his and taking a step away from her.

“My sweet Spike. He’s all turned upside down. You need to be put on the right track. Come…Mummy will put you right.”

“No,” Spike growled, shaking his head. “I’m not like that anymore. I’ve changed. I’m not going back to that.”

Hearing the door open behind him, Spike briefly closed his eyes as he let go of Dru’s hands and turned to face Buffy.

“Am I interrupting something?” she asked, glancing back and forth between the two. She couldn’t stop the jealous feelings from creeping up inside of her as she studied their body language.

“No,” Spike said, glancing at Drusilla.

“She’s the reason,” Dru said angrily. “You’re all covered in the girl and she won’t let my Spike out to play.”

“Go home, Dru,” Spike muttered, walking over to Buffy and taking her hand in his. He thought he saw a brief sense of relief flash in her eyes, but he knew he had to be imagining things. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” he called over his shoulder. “I’m not the same.”

“No,” she whispered, shaking her head. “You’re not.”

Not sparing her a second glance, Spike led Buffy to his car, opening the door and gesturing for her to get in. Buffy did so with a worried look on her face, watching as the other woman turned and walked away, she waited until they had been driving for a few minutes before saying anything.

“Am I supposed to keep quiet or are you going to talk to me?”

“What do you want to talk about?” he asked quietly.

“Spike,” she replied in a warning tone.

“Alright,” he muttered, turning the car toward her apartment building. “We’ll talk…I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”



Chapter 19 – Dangerous Territory


Spike took a deep breath as Buffy handed him a cup of steaming tea before sitting in the chair across from him. He studied her for a moment, taking in her body language as she curled her legs beneath her and nervously bit her lip, waiting for him to begin.

“What do you think I’m about to tell you, pet?” he asked with a soft smile.

“I really don’t know,” she whispered. “I’m hoping you’ll clear up who the woman is.”

With a long sigh, Spike leaned forward and set his cup on the coffee table, clasping his hands in front of him as he rested his arms on his knees.

“Drusilla. Her name’s Drusilla.”

“And she was?”

“She was…who I thought I would be with. My life. My dark goddess…the love of my life. At least, that’s what I told myself.”

Seeing Buffy physically shutting her emotions away from him, Spike closed his eyes.

“I thought we were meant to be together. I thought that everything she said was true.”

“I’m not really following,” she whispered, looking up at him with wide eyes.

“She got me into a bunch of things that I now wish I was strong enough to fight against.”

“The drugs?”

“The drugs, the alcohol…the women.”

“What?”

Spike took a deep breath, rubbing the back of his neck as he sat up to look at her with pained eyes. “She encouraged it…all of it.”

“So…the first time that you and I were together…”

“I wasn’t with Dru,” he murmured. “We’ve been on-again, off-again for years, but I know I wasn’t with her when I was with you.”

Buffy shuddered at the thought of being with someone like Spike and willingly sharing him with other women.

“And you just… voluntarily continued to cheat on your girlfriend?” she asked, biting her lip as she refused to make eye contact with him.

“No,” he whispered in a pained voice. “I didn’t…she had her reasons.”

“And they were?”

“She was using me so that she could get in good with other people in the business.”

“Other rock stars?”

“Yeah.”

“So…if she was your ‘life’, what did that make me?”

“My salvation,” he said, not hesitating for a moment.

Buffy took a deep breath, bringing her legs up to her chest and letting her chin rest on her knees. “And she got you started on the drugs?”

“If it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else,” he mumbled, standing up and pacing around the small living room, shoving his hands in his pockets as he retreated into himself.

“Did you love her?”

“I thought I did.”

“And now?”

Taking a moment to look at her, Spike took a deep breath. “Now, I know who I love.”

Buffy shivered at the honesty in his tone. Slowly rising from her seat, she walked over to stand in front of him, putting a stop to his pacing. “Promise me you’ve changed,” she whispered.

“They’re just words,” he replied in a choked voice. “They don’t mean anything.”

“They would mean something to me.”

“Why?” he asked, growing frustrated, his voice rising as he became more distressed. “I promised I would never hurt you. Promised that I would give up the drugs. Promised that I would never…”

Spike trailed off in a choked voice, turning away from Buffy as he tried to calm himself down.

“What do you want to happen, Spike?” she asked, growing angry at his refusal. “Do you want to go back to Drusilla?”

“No.”

“Do you want to start the drugs again?” she asked, her voice rising.

“No!”

“Do you want to hurt someone?”

“No…yes…I don’t know!” he cried, grabbing his hair as if he was wanting to pull it out.

“Who?” she asked, stepping forward until he backed up. “Who do you want to hurt, Spike?”

“I-I don’t-”

“Who!?” she screamed, pushing him into a wall.

Having nowhere to go, Spike felt himself involuntarily lashing out. Grabbing Buffy’s shoulders and spinning them around until she was the one pinned to the wall.

“Why are you doing this?” he yelled. “Why are you trying to test me? Are you trying to prove something? Fine! Yes, I want to hurt someone! I want to so bad that it chokes me!”

“Then do it,” she challenged. “If you’re so desperate to punish someone, then get it over with…finish what you started. What are you waiting for?” she yelled, pushing against him to try and get some kind of reaction. “No one’s here to stop you…do it.”

“Not you,” he said in choked whisper, letting her go and backing away as he frantically wiped his tears away. “I never want to hurt you. I want to take all the pain that I’ve caused you and put it on myself because you don’t deserve it.”

Seeing the tears streaming down his cheeks, Buffy’s expression softened. “I know you’ve changed, William,” she whispered, seeing the hope in his eyes that she had used his actual name.

“I shouldn’t even be here. I don’t deserve anything from you, least of all your friendship,” he said softly, bringing his hands up to cup her face. “That was a dangerous thing to try. Why’d you do it?”

“Because it wasn’t dangerous,” she whispered, breathing a sigh of relief as his hands slid through her hair, pulling her closer to him for a much needed embrace.

Wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her head on his chest, Buffy smiled when she felt him relax against her.

“I don’t want to be friends,” she murmured, feeling him stiffen all over again.

“Right then,” he muttered, trying to pull away.

“God, do you ever try and listen when someone talks to you?” she asked, pulling back to look at him with a smile.

“What else is there?”

“Maybe I want to be more than friends,” she said softly, casting her eyes downward and biting her lip before continuing in a hesitant voice. “Maybe I think it’s time to let go of our pasts and start fresh.”

“What happens if I don’t think I’m ready?” Spike whispered.

“Then walk away,” Buffy replied softly. “Walk out that door and let me know that you can be happier without me.” Seeing the pained look on his face, she continued, “Or stay and prove to me that you really are a different person.”

“I promise,” he said in a choked whisper. “I promise I’ve changed.”

“There,” she said with a grin. “Was that really so hard?”

“You have no idea,” Spike said with a smile.



 

Chapter 20 – When I Need You


Walking out of the club, Buffy was mildly surprised to see a limousine outside the door.

‘Must be a VIP,’ she thought as she continued walking along the sidewalk, wanting nothing more than to go home and curl up in her favorite pajamas after such a hard night of work.

“Miss Summers?”

Turning around, Buffy looked around before her eyes settled on the limo driver, looking at him with a questioning gaze.

“I’ve been instructed to give you this.”

Hesitantly taking the envelope that was in his outstretched hand, Buffy’s brows knit together as she opened it and pulled out the piece of cream-colored stationary. Smiling when she recognized Spike’s familiar handwriting, she let her finger run along the frayed edge of the paper as she read the note.

Happy Anniversary, Goldilocks.
I know it’s only been a month, but what can
I say…I couldn’t wait. Let the limo take you
to the destination and I’ll see you soon.

All my love,

Will

The smile on her face broadened as she wiped away the tears that were rapidly beginning to slip down her cheeks before turning toward the driver. “I’m supposed to go with you?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Any way you can tell me what’s going on?” she asked as he helped her into the back of the limo, watching as the driver chuckled.

“I’m afraid that he wouldn’t even tell me what was happening.”

“Figures,” she muttered good-naturedly.

* * * * *

Not surprised when the limo pulled in front of William’s apartment building, Buffy slowly exited the car and looked at the building with a raised eyebrow.

“What do you have planned, Mr. Thornton,” she said softly to herself.

Walking through the building and into the elevator, she fidgeted with her clothes and grabbed a comb out of her purse, smoothing out her hair before quickly tucking it away and listening to the familiar ‘ding’ of the bell, announcing that she was on William’s floor.

Biting her lip as she walked through the hallway, Buffy stopped in front of his apartment and took a deep breath. Knocking on the door, she frowned when it opened under the pressure of her hand.

The frown soon melted away when she saw the glow of candlelight meet her eyes. Looking around in amazement, her lips parted as she looked at the rose petals that covered the floor. Walking into the apartment and shutting the door behind her, Buffy smiled when she saw Spike sitting on a leather ottoman, an ice bucket with a bottle of sparkling grape juice sitting next to him. She had to smile at his choice, grateful that he was still showing her how much he had changed.

“What is all this?” she asked, the smile never leaving her face as she tilted her head to look at him.

“Just wanted to show you how much you mean to me, pet,” he said softly. “Sit down.”

Buffy looked over as he gestured to the ottoman across from him. Narrowing her eyes slightly as she wondered what he was up to and why he didn’t get up and greet her with a kiss, she merely shook her head and took the offered seat.

“Now, what’s this all…”

Trailing off when she saw him reach behind him and lift up his guitar, her face flushed when she realized what he was planning. Gently strumming the chords, Buffy breathed a sigh of relief as his voice carried throughout the room, drifting toward her.

“When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you
it's only a heart beat away

When I need love
I hold out my hand and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
keeping me warm night and day

Miles and miles of empty space in between us
A telephone can't take the place of your smile
But you know I won't be traveling forever
It's cold out but hold out and do like I do

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you baby
it's only a heart beat away

It's not easy when the road is your driver
Honey that's a heavy load that we bear
But you know I won't be traveling a lifetime
It's cold out so hold out and do like I do

When I need you

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
keeping me warm night and day

When I need you
I close my eyes
I hold out my hand and I've got you darlin'
It's only a heart beat away
Now listen
When I need you darlin'
I hold you, feel ya
Give it to me baby

And I miss ya baby
Just close my eyes and I'm with you
And I need you tonight
You know it's only a heart beat away.”

Buffy looked down, trying to steady her breathing as she sniffled back the tears, listening to him put the guitar on the floor before slowly getting up and walking toward her.

Gently taking her hand in his and pulling her to her feet, Spike let his hand gently cup her face. His thumb brushed along her cheekbone, directing her gaze toward him.

Looking up at him with eyes filled with unshed tears, Buffy took a deep breath. “I love you, William. I love you so much.”

Spike felt as if his heart was constricting as he looked into her eyes, hearing the sincerity in her voice. Bringing his lips to hers in a tender kiss, he felt complete for the first time in months. Letting his lips play over hers for a moment, he slowly pulled away. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I never-”

“Shh,” Buffy said softly, placing a finger over his lips and shaking her head. “You’re not the same. I know that…I love you because of it.”

Kissing the tip of her finger, Spike slowly took her hands in his. “Tell me again,” he murmured, smiling as she blushed. “Please.”

Buffy smiled, tightening her hold on him. “I love you.”


 

Chapter 21 – Meet the Parents


Buffy smiled as she walked out of the club, seeing Spike leaning against a vintage Desoto.

“What’s this?” she asked in surprise, looking at the car.

“Little gift to myself,” he said with a smile, running his hand over the hood before pushing away from it and walking over to her.

“No more limos?” she asked in mild surprise.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Figured I’d try living life as a normal guy for a change.”

“Meaning?” Buffy asked skeptically, relaxing when his arms wrapped around her waist.

“Come home with me,” he whispered, looking at her with so much hope, Buffy felt her heart swell.

“Spike…we agreed to take it slow.”

“I don’t mean the apartment. I want you to meet my family. I’m going home for Christmas and I want you to be there.”

“I-I don’t know,” she said hesitantly.

“I’ll understand if you don’t want to,” he whispered. “We haven’t been together that long, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t ask you.”

“So is this a pity invite or do you really want me to go?”

“Do you really have to ask me that?” Spike asked with a smile.

“When are you leaving?” Buffy asked, walking over to the car and letting her hand trail along the surface.

“Tomorrow,” he mumbled.

“Tomorrow?” she asked in alarm. “And you’re just asking me this now?”

“I got a little nervous,” he muttered, unable to make eye contact with her.

Buffy immediately smiled. He looked so much like a little boy when he hung his head. “I have work,” she said softly.

“It’s alright, I already got your boss to give you a few days off.”

“You have got to stop doing that,” Buffy said with a smile.

“Yeah, but it’s fun,” he said, chuckling as she swatted his chest. “Besides, I don’t like the ponce.”

“You and me both,” she murmured. “When do we leave?”

Spike blinked at the sudden change in her attitude. “You really want to go?” he asked, somewhat surprised.

“Well…yeah,” she replied, giving him a bright smile.

Spike seemed to hesitate for a moment before giving her a shaky nod.

“Unless you really don’t want me to,” Buffy added, suddenly becoming unsure of his body language.

“I want you to,” Spike said quickly. “I just didn’t…I guess I thought…”

“You didn’t think I’d trust you enough to go away with you?”

“That about sums it up,” he muttered.

“Well, I do,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around his waist. “I trust you and I love you…isn’t that enough?”

“It’s enough,” he whispered, letting his fingertips trail along her arms. “I guess it still surprises me.”

“Well, don’t let it,” Buffy murmured, brushing a kiss along his lips. “What time are we leaving?”

“Early,” he whispered, leaning down to reclaim her lips for another brief kiss.

“Should I be nervous?” she asked with a smile.

“About my family? Terrified.” Seeing the shocked look cross her face, Spike had to laugh. “Kidding, pet. No,” he said, shaking his head. “You shouldn’t be nervous. They’ll welcome you with open arms.”

* * * * *

Fidgeting with her white sweater and straightening her light gray pants, Buffy tried to calm her nerves as Spike helped her out of the car. The house was a beautiful Victorian, sitting away from the main roads of the small town. Decorated with thousands of Christmas lights, strung along the sprawling porch and twining around the pine trees that were dispersed through the yard, Buffy had to smile at the homey environment that the house immediately offered.

“William!”

Hearing the swinging of the screen door as it hit the side of the house, Buffy’s gaze immediately flew back to the front, seeing a crowd of people running out. Suddenly feeling incredibly overwhelmed, Buffy found herself taking a step back but was immediately stopped when she felt Spike’s reassuring presence beside her.

“Mum,” he said with a smile, grabbing Buffy’s hand in his before walking forward and meeting his mother with a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek, never letting go of Buffy.

Feeling herself dragged along as Spike pulled her from person to person, she felt her face begin to turn red when everyone’s attention appeared to be on her.

“Alright,” Spike said, wrapping his arm around Buffy’s shoulders. “Everyone, this is Buffy,” he said with so much pride that the entire group seemed to beam back at him. “Buffy, you ready for this?” he whispered, loud enough for everyone to hear as they laughed. “This is my mother, Anne, stepfather Rupert, cousin Wesley and his wife Faith, cousin, from the other side, Andrew and sisters- Fred, Kate, and Darla and Darla’s husband Lindsey.”

Seeing the overwhelmed look on the young woman’s face, Anne quickly stepped up and wrapped her in a hug. “It’s so nice of you to join us,” she said with a warm smile.

“Thank you,” Buffy said shyly, feeling herself pried away from Spike as he talked to his stepfather, while the girls surrounded Buffy and began to lead her to the house.

“It’s so exciting to have you here,” Fred said with a bright smile.

“Yeah,” Darla agreed. “This is definitely a first.”

“What do you mean?” Buffy asked, looking between all of the women.

“This is the first time William has ever brought anyone home,” Anne said, her arm still wrapped around the woman who she knew would eventually be her daughter-in-law.

“He hasn’t?” Buffy asked in confusion, thinking of Drusilla.

“No,” Fred replied, shaking her head. “Not for anything, least of all for Christmas.”

Glancing over her shoulder, Buffy watched Spike as he talked to the men, showing off his car. Looking up, she blushed when he gave her a soft smile.

‘Love you,’ he mouthed, winking at her.

She smiled before blowing him a kiss and following his family into the house. It was definitely going to be a good Christmas.

 

Chapter 22 – Happily Ever After…Eventually

A/N Some of this dialogue belongs to Joss Whedon.

“What do you think?” Spike asked, closing his eyes as Buffy snuggled closer to him. Their interlaced hands rested on her shoulder as her back leaned into his chest, enjoying the cool night air as they sat on the porch swing, enjoying a few stolen moments of peace.

“What do I think of what?” Buffy asked, turning to look at him.

“The family,” he replied, gesturing toward the house.

“They’re amazing,” Buffy said with a smile, sighing when Spike’s other arm wrapped around her waist, holding her even closer.

“Yeah,” he agreed, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head. “How would you feel about becoming a member?”

“What?” Buffy asked, pulling away to look at him in shock. Feeling her breathing escalate as Spike reached into his pocket and extracted a small velvet box, opening it with one hand. She suddenly felt the need to gasp for air, seeing the huge cushion-cut diamond resting on a platinum band, her eyes slowly moved upward until she was staring at Spike.

“Well?” he asked with a smile that quickly faded when Buffy slapped him in the chest. “Can I take that as a ‘maybe’?” he asked, suddenly looking worried.

“You're proposing to me!”

“Yes,” Spike said slowly, his brows knit together as he studied her.

“Why?”

“Because I love you,” he said softly, his face suddenly worried.

“But you’re a rock star.”

“You’ve known that for a while, luv,” he replied, getting more worried with each passing moment.

“And you’re proposing to me because you think it’s the thing you should do, and you think it’s all romantic and sexy and, and you know you’re not gonna have to go through with it because-”

“I’m proposing to you, Buffy, because I want to be with you forever. You’re not some conquest on my to-do list of who I want to divorce. You’re the one. The only one.”

“You can't know that,” she whispered, her eyes suddenly drawn back to the ring as she bit her lip, hoping he would prove her wrong.

“I believe it,” he said softly. “I think we’re going to get through this and anything else that might be thrown in our way. I think I’m going to live a long and healthy life and I’m not interested in doing that without you around.”

“Oh,” Buffy said with a soft smile.

“Oh?” he asked, his voice filled with uncertainty.

“Yes,” she whispered. “I mean, yes.”

Bright smiles came across both their faces as they looked at the ring. Hesitantly reaching for her hand, Spike pulled the ring from its velvet cushion before he heard Buffy’s voice.

“No.”

“No?” he repeated, slightly deflated, looking at her with fear in his eyes.

“After,” she said softly. “Give it to me when you’ve been sober for a year…because I’ll still be here.”

Smiling slightly, Spike tucked the ring back in his pocket, relaxing when Buffy put her arms around his neck and gave him a soft kiss.

“I love you,” she whispered against his lips.

“Love you, too, baby,” he said with a smile, holding her close. “Ready to go in?” he asked after a few more minutes.

“Yeah,” she murmured, standing and pulling him to his feet, never letting herself lose contact with him.

* * * * *

Walking around Spike’s childhood room, Buffy couldn’t help but smile. Carefully picking up one of the many trophies from a shelf, she held it up to read the inscription. Giggling softly, she shook her head before turning to look at Spike, seeing him comfortably sitting on the edge of the bed. “Will, why does it say ‘Most Valuable Football Player’?”

“Because it was a football trophy, pet,” he replied with a smile.

“A football trophy with a soccer ball and the word soccer has been crossed out with magic marker and replaced with ‘football’?”

“Bloody Americans,” he muttered. “The rest of the soddin’ world calls it football, but you yanks have to go and rename it something else, just to call rugby football.”

Biting her lip to keep from laughing, Buffy put the trophy back in place, walking over to the bed and slowly straddling Spike’s lap. “What can I say?” she replied with a smile, letting her hands clasp behind his neck. “We like to be original.”

“With names like ‘Buffy’, you’d have to be,” Spike replied, trying to keep from smiling at the look of indignation that crossed her face.

“Hey!” she cried, sitting up straighter. “You’re one to talk, Spike!”

“At least that was a nickname for me. What’s your excuse?” Seeing the pout that was playing on her bottom lip, Spike gave her a gentle smile. “Now, luv, I was only kidding.”

“You do realize that you’ve lived in this country more than half your life? You’re considered a ‘bloody American’ in spite of the silly accent.”

Flipping her over until she was lying beneath him on the bed, Spike raised an eyebrow. “Silly?” he repeated, leaning forward to her ear. “You didn’t seem to take issue with that when I was whispering little nasties in your ear.”

“I like it better when you’re whispering how much you love me,” she said with a soft smile as Spike pulled back to look at her.

“I love you,” he said with so much feeling and emotion, Buffy felt her heart swell.

“I know you do,” she murmured.

“I’m going to spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you make me.”

Buffy smiled, snuggling closer to him and letting her hand trail along his chest. “Nah,” she said with a slight shake of her head. “I’m unattainable. You really shouldn’t waste your time.”

Spike chuckled, hearing her soft giggle and tenderly kissed her forehead. “I mean it, Buffy.”

“Okay,” she said with a loving smile. “I’m holding you to that.”



THE END