Prologue


Spike wandered through the streets of downtown Los Angeles, his mind a
whirlwind of thoughts. He had been living there for several years, helping
his grandsire, much to his annoyance. Years after Dawnie left Sunnydale for
college, Cordelia and Angel had come to find him, claiming Cordy had a
vision that Spike was meant to help the Fang Gang fight the good fight in
L.A. He still wasn’t used to the city. Spike would never admit it, but he
missed Sunnydale. He knew what he missed most was the feeling of family
that he had with Dawn, his surrogate little sister. Now, Dawnie was married
with three kids, and Spike was now Uncle Spike. They all made an effort to
see each other for holidays and birthdays, but Spike still missed her.

Cordy had done her best to make Spike feel like family, and though he did
feel like a member of the gang, he knew he wasn’t family. In spite of his
blood link with Angel, the poofter still didn’t trust Spike.

Most of all, Spike still missed her. Buffy. It had been more than sixteen
years since she died, and not a day went by that he didn’t think of her.
Didn’t come up with a new and different way he could have saved her from
making that jump. It haunted him as it would for all eternity. If he had done even one thing
differently, he knew she might still be alive.

As Spike slowly made his way back to the Hyperion, he heard a scream pierce
through the night. Quickly tuning into his instincts, he took off for a
nearby alley. Turning the corner, he could see a young girl trying her
hardest to defend herself against a vampire.

‘The chit’s doing pretty good for someone her size,’ Spike thought as he ran
forward, knocking the vamp down.

After a combination of hits and jabs, Spike snapped his wrist and let the
stake fly out of its sheath, right into the vamp’s heart. Pushing the stake
back into its place, Spike wiped the dust from his hands.

“Thank you,” he heard the timid voice coming from behind him. “Thank you so
much!”

“S’alright,” Spike said as he checked his weapon. “It’s late, you shouldn’t
be out-“

Spike cut himself off as he turned to face the would-be victim. He felt
certain that if he wasn’t already dead, he would have dropped from a heart
attack.

“Buffy?” he whispered quietly. He stood, stunned at the girl. She was
identical to Buffy, down to the smallest detail.

The girl looked at him almost fearfully. “I’m sorry, I don’t know who that
is.”

Spike watched as she ran away, staring after her in shock. After a minute,
he began to track her, using her scent. He wasn’t sure what was going on,
but he would be damned all over again if he wasn’t at least going to find
out where she lived and who she was.

Chapter 1 – Reconnaissance


Spike slammed through both doors of the Hyperion Hotel just before sunrise.

“Angel!” he roared, waking the hotel. “Wesley! Get your bloody asses down
here NOW!”

Both men came rushing down the stairs, along with Cordy, Fred, Gunn, and
Lorne.

“What’s going on?” Angel asked as he buttoned his shirt.

“Buffy’s alive.”

The entire room froze at the admission, the majority thinking that Spike
had finally lost it.

Cordy took a step forward. “Spike,” she said in a soothing tone. “Buffy
died. You know that…you were there.”

“I know I sound crazy, but I’m not. Buffy’s alive.”

“What are you basing this on?” Wesley asked.

“I dusted a vamp that was attacking a girl. Turns out, the girl was Buffy.”

“Stop it, Spike,” Angel said in a warning tone.

“I know what I’m talking about, Peaches. Everything was her- the looks, the
body, the smell…it was her, Angel, I know it. She looked like she did when
I first saw her.”

“Did you follow her?” Gunn asked.

“What do you think?” Spike replied.

“Where’d she go?”

Spike turned to face Angel again as he asked the question. “She went to a
rundown apartment building a few miles from here.”

“Alright,” Angel said with a nod. “Write down the directions. Gunn, you
and Wes go check it out.”

“I’m going,” Cordy spoke up.

“Cordelia-“

“No, Angel. Buffy may not have been my best friend, but I cared about her.
If this girl turns out to be her, I want to know it.”

Angel nodded in agreement as he and Spike both stared outside at the rising
sun.

“And what if it is her?” Spike said quietly.

“Recon first. If it’s her, then we’ll think of something.”

* * * * *

Cordy knocked on yet another door in the large apartment building a few
hours later, glancing at Wes and Gunn standing down the hall. When the door
opened, Cordy put on her brightest smile at the overweight, balding man. He
had a beer in one hand and a dirty magazine in the other. Cordy cringed as
he leered at her through his drunken gaze. “What can I do for you?” he
asked, the implication of his words clear in his voice.

“I’m looking for a blonde girl, a few inches shorter than me. You wouldn’t
happen to know where she is, would you?”

“Why?”

“Oh, I saw her leave the building, and I noticed she dropped an earring. She
was gone before I could get to her.”

The man seemed to consider her lame excuse for a minute before nodding.
“She’s at work right now.”

“Do you mind telling me where that is?”

“You’re going to an awful lot of trouble for an earring.”

“What can I say?” Cordy said with another fake, but winning smile. “I’m a
good Samaritan.”

“She works at a little diner. Called Mabel’s Place or somethin’ like that.”

“Thank you,” Cordy said, turning and heading down the hall.

“Hey, if you ever need anything, you just let me know. The name’s Rob.”

“I’ll do that,” Cordy called back, fighting her gag reflex, making her way
back to the two men. “Okay, she’s at some diner, Mabel’s Place.”

“Good work, CC,” Gunn said with a smile.

“Yeah, no thanks to Rob the Slob.”

Gunn laughed as they made their way out of the dilapidated old building.

“If that place is up to code, I’m the Queen of England,” Cordy said as they
got outside.

* * * * *

Half an hour later, the three walked into the diner, surveying their
surroundings as they sat down at a booth.

Cordelia and Wesley both gasped as the waitress made their way to the table.
Gunn looked up but apparently didn’t see what they saw.

Cordy stared as the young girl stepped up to the table. It could have
easily been Buffy when they were juniors in high school.

“Hi, I’m Liz, can I get your drink order?”

Each placed their order, staring as she walked away.

“It looks like her, Wes.”

“It’s extraordinary,” Wesley replied as his eyes followed her. “But she
said her name was Liz, not Buffy.”

“Wesley, Buffy could be standing right in front of you, and you’re worried
about her name?”

“Yes, well…I think we should head back to the hotel shortly. Tell Angel and
Spike what we’ve come across.”

* * * * *

Spike stood outside the diner later that night. It was getting close to
eleven, and he had been observing the girl inside for close to an hour.

After the group had come back to the hotel, everyone had fallen into
research mode for the remainder of the day. As soon as the sun set, Spike
was out on the street. He took out his frustration on the demon population
for a few hours before making his way to her apartment building.

Her scent had been so faint when he stepped inside that he knew she hadn’t
been there recently. Now, as he stood watching her wipe down the counter,
Spike took a deep, unneeded breath before walking through the door.

He avoided eye contact with her, knowing that she was probably skeptical
about seeing the man who saved her less than twenty four hours ago show up in her workplace.

Taking a seat at the counter, Spike scanned over one of the menu placemats
as he felt her approach.

“Um…can I help you?” she asked timidly.

“Yeah, pet, I’ll just have a coffee,” Spike said, never raising his eyes.
He could tell she was standing there longer than necessary and had to fight
the smirk that he felt.

A few minutes later, a cup of coffee was placed in front of him. “I’m sorry
to bother you.”

Spike finally raised his eyes to hers and felt the emotions course through
him at her youthful appearance. “Yeah, pet?”

“Were you the guy that…”

“That saved you last night?”

“Yeah,” she said with a sheepish smile as she glanced down at the counter.

“That was me.”

“Oh…I’m sorry for running away like that- it’s just not every day that I get
attacked, you know?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Spike replied with a relaxed smile. Before he
could say anything else, his cell phone began its incessant ringing. “I
hate this bloody thing,” he muttered as he reached into his pocket,
extracting the phone that the gang forced him to keep. “Yeah?” he said into
the receiver.

“Spike! Where the hell are you?”

Spike smiled at Angel’s tone of voice. After all these years, he still
loved to get under his skin. “Relax, mate, I’m just out for a cup of
coffee.”

“Spike, you better not be where I think you are.”

“Think whatever you want, Peaches,” Spike said before hanging up the phone
and turning it off.

“Sorry about that, luv. You were saying?”

“I just…thank you,” she said with a grateful smile.

“Need someone to walk you home, luv?”

“I-I don’t know…you seem nice and all, but-“

“I promise I’ll be a perfect gentleman,” Spike said with a smile. “Cross my heart.”

She smiled at him. “Okay, but if you try anything, mister...”

“I crossed my heart, didn’t I?” Spike replied with a smirk.

Chapter 3 – Who Are You?


Spike and Buffy walked into the lobby of the Hyperion, only to come face to
face with an outraged Angel and a compassionate Cordelia. Spike merely
smirked at the look on his grandsire’s face before gesturing to the girl
standing next to him. When Angel made eye contact with her, he froze.
Shaking off his shock, he mumbled a quick ‘hello’ before grabbing Spike by
the arm and dragging him across the lobby.

“It’s her?”

Spike sighed. “I don’t know who she is. She obviously has no memory of
either one of us, so I’m guessing she’s not.”

“But her name’s Buffy.”

“Coincidence,” Spike said with a shrug. “I don’t think it’s her, Angel.”

“Spike, you were the one who was convinced she was,” he replied. “You can’t ignore the facts.”

“What facts, Peaches? Her name is Elizabeth Winters. Weird, yes, but when
has it ever not been weird around here?”

“We should have Lorne read her.”

“Yeah? And when you tell the green demon to come downstairs and have the
teenage girl sing, let me know, cause I don’t think I’d want to be here to
see her reaction.”

“Spike, you met her by dusting a vamp in front of her.”

“And she hasn’t mentioned it since,” Spike hissed. “I don’t think she’d
take to having a demon introduced to her on her first night here.” He
glanced over as Cordy led Buffy upstairs to a spare room. He caught the
look that Buffy sent his way, and Spike immediately began walking toward her.

“We’re not finished here, Spike,” Angel said angrily.

“We are for now. I’m the only one she knows, Liam,” Spike said, practically
spitting out his true name. “I’m not going to let her be scared by being in
a new place.”

“What if it’s her, Spike?” Angel called after him as Spike climbed the
stairs.

“It’s not!” Spike said with more conviction than Angel expected.

* * * * *

Spike made it to Buffy’s room as Cordelia was leaving.

“What’s the verdict?” he asked as Cordy came into the hall. She glanced at
Spike and saw the nervous way he was hugging his arms around his chest.

“I really can’t say,” Cordy whispered as she looked back into the room where
Buffy was unpacking. “If it’s her, wouldn’t she have our Buffy’s memories?
I mean, if she was sent back for a purpose, wouldn’t it make sense to know
that she was once the Slayer? And if it’s not her, why would the Powers of
whoever give her nearly the same identity?”

“I don’t know,” Spike muttered.

“There’s more, Spike,” Cordelia said as she took another glance in the room.
“Did you happen to ask her when her birthday is?”

“No, but by the look on your face, I’m guessing it’s the same as Buffy’s.”

“No,” Cordy said, shaking her head. “She was born the day Buffy died.”

“What?” Spike asked, looking at her in disbelief as Cordelia nodded.

“May twenty-second. Almost seventeen years ago.”

“Someone’s trying to toy with us.”

“Are you sure?” Cordy asked. “What if it’s her?”

“It’s not,” Spike said through gritted teeth.

“Spike, you were the one who thought it was her in the first place.”

“Yeah, that was before common sense won out. It’s not her.”

“If you say so.”

Spike stayed quiet for a moment. “Angel wants Lorne to read her.”

“That would be good, except you’re going to have to explain-“

“I know.”

“Good luck,” Cordy said as she walked away.

Spike took a deep, unneeded breath before gently knocking on the open door.
Buffy’s head appeared from around a corner. “Come in,” she said with a
smile.

Spike walked through the door and watched as she walked back into the room.
He knew that Cordy and Angel had reason to believe this was Buffy, but he
wasn’t about to get his hopes up. Besides, even if it was her, she’d
probably kick him in the head once she realized who he was.

“Can I talk to you for a minute, luv?”

“Sure,” she said with a bright smile. “I wanted to talk to you, too.”

“Oh, um, alright, you first.”

Buffy sat down on the end of the bed, patting the space next to her. Spike
apprehensively walked over to her and sat down, making sure to keep a safe
distance between them.

“I wanted to thank you,” Buffy said quietly. “You didn’t have to help me
tonight, and then you give me a place to live, and it’s just…”

Buffy trailed off as tears came to her eyes.

“Buffy,” Spike said softly. “I couldn’t let you stay there.”

“But you don’t even know me,” she said quietly.

“I know. That’s what we do here, luv. We help people.”

“I don’t know why I feel so safe with you, but I do.”

Spike looked down, trying to hide the emotions on his face. If only the
real Buffy had said that.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” she asked softly.

Spike tried to get his thoughts in order as he looked into her intense green
eyes. “The other night, when you were in the alley…do you remember what
happened after I fought the man who attacked you?”

“He turned to dust,” she said as if it was the most natural thing in the
world.

“And you don’t think that’s just a little bit strange?”

“Well, yeah,” she said with a smile. “I know there are things that go bump
in the night, I’ve just never seen a vampire before.”

“You know about vampires?” Spike asked incredulously.

Buffy shrugged. “I lived in Cleveland- there was a lot of strange things
going on. I kind of figured it was something along those lines.”

Spike’s mouth hung open as he stared at the girl in front of him.

“Did I say something wrong?” she asked nervously.

“No,” Spike said, shaking his head. “It’s just…a lot of people tend to
rationalize what they can’t explain.”

“Seems pretty explainable to me,” Buffy said with a shrug. “Vampires are
real.”

“Okay,” Spike said, looking down at the floor, clasping his hands together.
“Well, that makes what I have to say next a little easier.” He looked up
and made eye contact with her. “We have a demon that lives in the hotel.”
When he saw her tense slightly, he hurriedly added, “He’s a good one. He
helps people…and we were wanting him to help you.”

“How?” she asked with uncertainty in her voice.

“Well,” Spike smiled slightly. “You have to sing for him.”

“Sing?”

“He can…read your aura…almost like a fortune teller, but he can see a lot
more. Do you think you could do that?”

Buffy looked at him nervously. “You’ll be there with me?”

“If you want me to,” Spike said with a nod.

“Why do you need to know about me?”

“We just…want to make sure you stay safe.”

‘Not the entire truth, but not a lie either,’ Spike thought.

“Okay,” Buffy said quietly. “I’ll do it.”

* * * * *

Two hours later, Buffy stood nervously in the lobby of the hotel. She’d met
everyone except for Lorne, and she was getting more nervous, shuffling closer
to Spike. She didn’t know any of these people, but she knew she felt a
connection with the blonde man, and that was enough for her.

Buffy turned when she heard the door open behind her and apprehensively
looked at the green demon in the bright red suit.

“Alright,” Lorne said, clapping his hands together. “Let’s get this show on
the road, kiddies. Where’s the lucky girl?”

Spike gently pulled Buffy from behind him and stood next to her in silent
support.

“Well, cupcake,” Lorne said with a smile. “Aren’t you just the darlingest
thing I ever did see? Care to rattle off a few notes for me, sugar?”

Buffy took a deep breath. “You're only misleading the sunshine I'm needing.
Ain't that a shame? It's so hard to keep up with troubles that creep up
from out of nowhere…"

Angel and Lorne exchanged a look at the familiarity that washed over both of
them. Not only was it a song that was written long before she was born, it
was also the same song that the human Darla sang when Angel took her to
Caritas all those years ago.

“Thanks, sweetie pie. I’m just going to steal these two lovely men from
your graces for just a minute,” Lorne said, grabbing both Angel and Spike
by the arms and leading them away from the group.

“I know you didn’t just call me ‘lovely,’ mate,” Spike said when they were
further away.

“Shut up, Spike,” Angel said. “What did you find out?”

Lorne gave Buffy another glance before turning back to the men. “It’s her.”

Chapter 4 - Destiny


“What do you mean, ‘it’s her’?” Spike asked in a growl.

“I mean, she’s a Slayer who gave her life to save the world. Draw your own
conclusions on whether you think Elizabeth Winters is Buffy Summers.”

”Why was she brought back?” Angel asked.

“Some prophetic future,” Lorne replied. “That parts a little hazy- you may
want to have the brainiacs working on it.”

“If it’s her, why doesn’t she know it’s her?” Spike asked, the anger shading
his voice.

“Not sure about that either, sweet cheeks. I would think she would have a
few vague memories, especially after seeing several people she used to know.
That one’s not for me to say.”

Spike felt his jaw clench. He wasn’t sure why he felt so angry, but he did.
Turning on his heel, Spike stalked out of the hotel. He could hear Angel
calling him, but he didn’t turn around. He wanted to be alone right now, and
he couldn’t get the space he needed in that hotel. He also knew that he
didn’t have long before sunrise, and that only served to fuel his anger.

Walking down the street, Spike shoved his hands in the pockets of his
duster. His mind was such a whirlwind of activity, he didn’t even hear the
footsteps behind him. When he felt a hand on his arm, Spike’s first
reaction was a powerful backhand. He frowned when it didn’t connect and
looked down to see Buffy cowering, having narrowly avoided the punch.

“You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that, pet,” Spike said as he offered
her a hand, fully aware that this was Buffy he was touching and feeling very
strange toward her now.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I thought you heard me.”

Spike stared at her for a long time. This was nothing like the Buffy he
remembered. Of course, he didn’t really know her when she was this age.
Tried to kill her, yes, but he never got to know her. This girl was
innocent, pure. She wasn’t hardened by a lover who turned evil and mentally
tortured her for months.

“Did I do something wrong?” he heard her ask quietly.

“No…Buffy,” he said her name quietly, realizing that this was the same woman
he fell in love with. And also the same woman who rejected him. “You
should get back inside, pet.”

“I-I don’t want to.”

“You don’t want to be around me, Buffy,” Spike said quietly, looking at the
ground.

“Please don’t make me go back alone,” she said quietly. “I feel safe with
you.”

“Don’t,” he said through gritted teeth. “You’re not safe with me.”

He saw a brief flash of fear in her eyes before she took a step closer to
him. “Then why do I feel like I am?”

* * * * *

Spike sat in his room later that night, chain-smoking. He and Buffy had
gone back to the hotel when it was clear that Buffy wasn’t going to leave
him alone. After he had reassured her that his room was close enough to
hers if something were to happen, she finally went to sleep.

Spike stayed up, talking to the group about what they were going to do. Wes
and Fred were researching the prophecy of the Slayer who was supposed to
live again, while the rest determined that it wouldn’t be a wise decision to
tell Buffy who she was or is. If she were supposed to know, the memories
would have come back to her.

Now, as Spike sat on the windowsill, staring out at the city, his mind
drifted over moments that he tried to bury years ago. Everything seemed to
come rushing back to him, as if he’d turned a key and veiled secrets seemed
to become clear again. As much as he’d wished for this moment over the
years, he now knew it wasn’t fair. Buffy had lived her life, she’d served
her time, and it wasn’t right to bring her back just to throw her into yet
another prophecy.

Spike still felt as drawn to her as he had when he first saw her. She had
that essence about her that seemed to call to him, whether he was wanting
to kill her or love her. He couldn’t be weak about this. Spike could
plainly see that she looked at him as some sort of hero, and he couldn’t let
that feeling develop into something more. Angel had to leave her to give
her a normal life. Spike couldn’t risk getting close enough to her for that
to happen. If Spike forgot for a moment what he was, it would be a mistake.

* * * * *

Buffy lay in her bed, tossing and turning at the blurry images that seemed
to dance in her dreams. Flashes of people and places rushed in front of
her.

“Angel was a vampire.”

Buffy awoke with a start. She gasped for breath as she tried to recall some
of the people she had seen, but she couldn’t. All she could remember was
that voice she had heard. “Angel was a vampire,” she whispered before
jumping off of her bed and quietly opening the door to her room. Spike had
said he was at the end of the hall, so Buffy hurriedly made her way there.

There were only two closed doors at the end, and Buffy could see a faint
light glimmering around the edges of one of them. Knocking lightly, Buffy
took a step back and bit her lip as she waited. Spike opened the door a
moment later, cigarette in hand, hair a tousled mess from running his
fingers through it. “What’s wrong?” he asked, instantly worried.

Buffy glanced around the hall before turning back to him. “Can I come in?”

Spike opened the door a little wider, allowing her in. He noticed the
nervous way she was wringing her hands together and biting her lip. “You
gonna tell me, pet, or do I have to guess?”

“Is Angel a vampire?” Buffy asked, figuring the direct course was the best.

Spike seemed slightly surprised by the question but shook it off. “Yes.”

“But…”

“He won’t hurt you, Buffy. He has a soul.”

“How?”

“A very long, boring story that you don’t want to get into tonight. How’d
you find out anyway?”

“I-I had a dream.”

Spike seemed to look nervous for a moment. “Anything else in this dream of
yours, pet?”

“Flashes,” she said quietly. “People I don’t know, but I can’t remember
what they look like now. There was a voice right before I woke up that
said ‘Angel was a vampire'."

“Spike, please, you’re a vampire.”

“Angel was a vampire.”

“Angel was good!”

Spike shook his head, clearing it of the memories that threatened to
overload him.

“It was your voice, Spike,” Buffy said quietly.

“Yeah…um…probably just because you’ve talked to me the most.”

“But how would I know that Angel’s a vampire?”

Spike shrugged as he walked to the window, taking a long drag on his
cigarette. “Maybe you have a sixth sense about these things. You never
know.”

“Maybe,” Buffy said quietly, looking at the floor.

“You should get back to bed, pet. You need your rest.”

“Yeah,” Buffy whispered, walking to the door. “Sorry to bother you.”

“You didn’t bother me, luv. I know you’re confused and in a strange place
right now, but don’t worry, no one here is going to hurt you.”

Buffy gave him a grateful smile. “Good night, Spike,” she said, shutting
the door behind her.

“Good night, luv,” Spike said softly, his voice getting lost in the empty
room.

Chapter 5 - Memories

“The hardest thing in this world…is to live in it. Be brave…live…for me.”

Buffy woke with a jump the next morning. The words seemed to haunt her as she climbed out of bed.

Buffy quickly took a shower and got ready for the day. Dressing in jeans and an old sweatshirt, she walked downstairs to find Wesley sitting behind the reception counter.

“Mr. Pryce?” she asked timidly.

Wesley looked up and smiled at the young girl. What he wouldn’t have given to have gotten that amount of respect from her twenty years ago.

“It’s Wesley. What can I do for you, Buffy?”

“I, um, last night…”

“Is something wrong.”

“I don’t know,” she said with uncertainty. “Last night, I had these dreams and I have no idea what they mean.”

“Can you explain them to me?” Wes asked, grabbing a pen and paper. Buffy quickly described what she could remember of the first.

“Was there a second?”

“Kind of. I just heard, something about it being hardest to live in this world and then I had this falling sensation and I woke up.”

“Uh…yes…well, I’ll see what I can come up with.”

“You think they mean something?”

“It’s possible, though nothing for you to worry about.”

“There you are.”

Buffy turned and gave Cordelia a smile as she came down the stairs.

“I’ve been looking for you. I think today needs to be a shopping day.”

“Oh, that sounds nice, but I don’t have a lot of-“

“Money?” Cordy asked. “No worries, we have enough,” she continued, with a wave of her hand.

“That’s nice, but I can’t accept-“

“Nonsense. You’re practically family now, since Wes and I are your guardians. Albeit, illegally, but it’s for a good cause. Now, let’s go,” she said, taking Buffy’s hand and dragging her out the door.

* * * * *

Buffy and Cordelia sat in the food court of their third mall of the day, eating an early supper. Cordy had asked her questions all day, and Buffy was finally getting some answers of her own.

“So, are you and Wesley…?”

Cordy started laughing. “No, no, definitely not. We’re friends, that’s all.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I just thought since Spike made you my guardians, that you two…”

“No, we just won’t raise any questions if a social worker happens to drop by.”

“So, are you seeing anyone…like, Spike for instance.”

Cordy’s face softened. “No, Spike and I were never a couple. Actually, Angel and I are together.”

“Really?” Buffy asked with a smile, that did not go unnoticed by Cordy.

“Yeah, for about sixteen years now.”

“But, you’re not a vampire?”

Cordy laughed. “No. And here’s a little tip, vamps can’t go out in sunlight. Stake through the heart, beheading, sunlight, use whatever’s necessary if you come across one. I mean, an evil one,” she corrected herself with a smile.

They stayed quiet, eating their meals for several minutes.

“You like him, don’t you?”

Buffy looked up at Cordelia, looking like a deer in the headlights. “Who?”

“Who do you think?” Cordy asked with a gentle smile. “Spike.”

Buffy blushed as she looked down at her salad. “He’s nice. He’s the first guy to treat me like I’m an actual person, but he wouldn’t want me.”

Buffy looked up as she felt Cordy’s hand envelop her own. “Be careful.”

“What do you mean?”

“Spike’s a very passionate man. He very rarely thinks before he acts and he usually ends up saying or doing things that he didn’t mean to. But, once you get through the tough guy exterior, he’s a great guy.”

“Are you saying you want me to go after him.”

“Not necessarily. I’m saying, if you choose to, know what you’re getting into.”

Buffy nodded as they gathered their bags.

* * * * *

Spike was pacing the lobby of the Hyperion, irritating Angel and Wesley who were trying to do research. “Where the bloody hell are they? It’s almost dark outside.”

“Almost doesn’t count, and why do you care so much?” Angel asked, looking up from his books.

“I don’t…they’ve just…been gone all day and they should have been back by now.”

“Spike,” Wesley said. “Buffy’s with Cordelia. She’ll be perfectly safe and besides, just because Buffy’s not the slayer anymore, doesn’t mean she can’t take care of herself.”

“And that’s another thing,” Spike said, pointing at Wesley to emphasize his point. “We should be testing her strengths, seeing how much of Buffy is left.”

“She is Buffy,” Angel said, getting impatient. “It’s not a matter of how much of her is left, it’s her.”

“If it’s her, why doesn’t she remember, genius?”

“What about the dreams?” Wesley asked.

Spike stopped his pacing and turned to stare at Wes. “She told you?”

“What do you think we’re researching?” Angel asked, with annoyance clear in his voice.

“I think the better question to ask, is why did she tell you?” Wesley asked, raising his eyebrows at Spike. “And when?”

“She…I don’t know, she got scared about the poofter being a vamp and she came to asked me about it.”

Spike turned, avoiding Angel’s intense stare as he got up and walked over to his grandchilde. “Are you trying something with her, Willie?”

Spike whirled around in anger. “What’s that supposed to mean, Peaches?”

“Well, you couldn’t get her the first time around, so it’s logical for someone like you to go for it when she doesn’t know who you are,” he said quietly.

“What’s the matter, Angel? Scared she’d pick me over you?”

“She did the first time.”

“No, she didn’t. You were just there, all tortured and broody.”

“At least she loved me,” Angel whispered.

“You son of a-“

Spike pulled his arm back, ready to land a blow to wipe the smug look off his grandsire’s face.

“FREEZE!”

Both stopped and looked at the door, seeing Cordelia and Buffy walking through, weighed down with shopping bags.

“What the hell is going on?” Cordy asked, walking toward the men.

“You want to tell her, Gramps? Exactly what you told me?”

“Shut up, Spike.”

“Angel, what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Angel said, giving Cordy a kiss on the cheek. “Just been trapped with him all day,” he said, jerking a thumb in Spike’s direction. “It’s starting to get to me, I guess.”

Cordy raised an eyebrow, obviously not buying it as she thrust her packages at Angel. “Spike, aren’t you going to help Buffy?”

“Oh, uh, sure,” Spike said, heading toward the younger girl.

“You don’t have to,” Buffy said with a smile.

“I know,” Spike said, taking her bags from her. “But, I want to.”

Buffy gave him a grateful smile as he followed her up the stairs.

Once her bags were in her room, Spike headed for the door. “Spike?”

“Yeah, pet?” he said, turning to face her.

“Do you…never mind.”

Spike looked at her quizzically for a moment. “You can ask me, Buffy.”

“No, I…I don’t know what I was going to ask.”

Spike gave her a look, letting her know that he was well aware that she knew what she was wanting, but he let it go. “Listen, pet, I was wondering if you wanted to get a bit of a workout in the gym?”

Buffy glanced down. “Do I need to work out?”

“No, Buffy. More like sparring, learning to fight, how to defend yourself.”

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

Spike nodded. “I’ll meet you downstairs in ten minutes.”

* * * * *

A few minutes later, Buffy had changed into a pair of black cotton pants and a sports bra. She jogged downstairs and smiled when she saw Fred.

“Hi,” the woman said, giving Buffy a bright smile.

“Hi, I was wondering if you could show me where the gym is.”

“Oh sure, it’s straight down the hall, last door on the right.”

“Thanks,” Buffy said, heading down the hall.

Opening the door, she felt her mouth go dry at the sight of a shirtless Spike hitting a punching bag. Buffy swallowed as she followed the lines of his strong back, watching as the muscles bunched and released with every blow. Her eyes trailed lower to his low hanging sweatpants. Though they weren’t tight, Buffy could see the lines of muscles in his strong legs whenever his body shifted.

Licking her lips, Buffy realized she’d been ogling the man who had treated her so well and she was beginning to feel guilty. Although, she would have done it again in a heartbeat. Buffy shut the door, quietly, and sat on the mats to begin stretching.

Spike turned around to face her, having sensed her from the moment she stepped in the room. He swallowed hard, when he saw the taut body and smooth skin that was revealed as she stretched. Rotating his arms to stretch the muscles he’d been working, Spike walked over to her.

“You’re early, pet.”

“Is that bad?” Buffy asked with a smile.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “You ready?”

Buffy hopped to her feet. “What first?”

“I just want to see what kind of instincts you have, first.”

“Meaning…you’re just going to attack me?”

“I promise, it won’t hurt,” Spike said, smiling.

Buffy nodded and quickly spun out of the way as Spike rushed at her. Turning around, they circled each other. Spike threw a punch that was easily blocked by Buffy as ducked underneath the kick he threw her way. As Spike tensed to strike again, he was surprised when she not only blocked him, but landed a hit of her own, directly on his nose.

Spike reeled back, his hand automatically going to his nose as Buffy gasped. “I’m so sorry!”

Spike pulled his hand away and saw the thin trickle of blood that was left on his hand. Resisting the blood lust that seemed to flow through him, Spike wiped the rest away and grabbed a towel off the nearby workout bench to clean his hand. “It’s okay, pet.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

Spike smiled. “I know, you always had a…”

“A what?”

“Um, nothing. I meant you’ve got a mean right hook.”

Buffy smiled sheepishly. “If you want to quit for the night, I’ll understand.”

“No, we’re here. May as well go for a few more minutes.”

Buffy nodded as they both got into position again. For ten minutes, the sparring went back and forth. Buffy gasped when Spike rushed her, as they each grabbed the other’s shoulders and fell back on the mat. Buffy easily kicked her body up, flipping them over and straddling Spike.

Spike stared up at the beautiful young woman. Her hair framed her face as she looked down at him, her breath coming out in pants causing her body to move against his. Spike felt his own body trying to react to having her so close. When a voice suddenly came back to him that he couldn’t push away.

“That’s enough, Buffy.” She quickly jumped up, offering him a hand which he ignored as he jumped up and grabbed his shirt. Walking toward the door of the gym, Spike turned back and saw her watching him in confusion. “You did great, Buffy.”

She watched, feeling slightly hurt as he walked out the door.

Spike quickly pulled his shirt on as he walked down the hallway. The voice echoed over and over in his head- “You’re beneath me.”

Chapter 6 – In Pain


Spike stood out in the garden, smoking a cigarette, while he stared up at the
moon. He felt Buffy behind him but didn’t let himself turn to look at her.

“Spike?”

“Yeah, pet?” Spike replied, exhaling a large puff of smoke.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Spike nervously licked his lips before looking over his shoulder. She was
standing in the doorway, hugging her arms around her thin body as she
watched him timidly. “No, luv…you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Buffy bit her lip before taking a few steps toward him. “You don’t like me
very much, do you?” she asked quietly.

Spike smiled slightly as he looked at the ground. “I like you just fine,
Buffy.”

“It’s just…after I sang for Lorne…”

“It’s nothing for you to worry about, pet,” he said softly, finally looking
over at her. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

“Can I help?”

“No,” he said quietly, looking away. It hurt too much to see her. He could
remember everything about that night. From the fake sparring, to the kiss
that wasn’t, to her shoving him to the ground. But then, he also remembered
Buffy letting him comfort her. Everything seemed to be a whirlwind in his
mind, and the one thing he always wanted was standing here beside him, but
she didn’t even know who he was...or who she was. He wasn’t even sure if he
wanted her to remember. She’d probably just kick him in the head and yell
at him for getting too close to her again.

Buffy stood quietly for several minutes before turning and walking back
inside. She knew that despite whatever he said, Spike was irritated with
her- she just didn’t know why. With a heavy sigh, she made her way upstairs
to her bedroom. She already felt at home in the hotel, but she was scared
to get too comfortable. Cordy had nearly bought out the mall, getting them
both new clothes, and everyone else always made an effort to check on her,
but Buffy knew that being happy wasn’t a permanent fixture in her life.

Sitting down on her bed, Buffy picked up the picture on her nightstand of
her and her parents. It was taken a few months before they died, and they
all looked so happy. She felt a tear trickle down her cheek as she stared
at the photo. She hadn’t cried since the funeral, feeling it was a sign of
weakness. She didn’t like to be weak in any circumstance. Even when her
foster father was beating her up, she never gave him the satisfaction of
crying. Now, one tear was turning into more as she remembered the events of
the past few months. She felt tired, drained to the point of not wanting to
do anything anymore.

Buffy had her GED, but she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life.
She felt lost and alone, despite the people that she was surrounded with.
Buffy slowly put the picture back on the nightstand before curling up in
the middle of her bed and bringing her hands up to cover her face as the
tears kept spilling down her cheeks. She quietly sobbed into her hands,
wishing that all the pain would go away, even though she knew it was
worthless to waste her time making such foolish wishes.

* * * * *

Spike slowly walked back to his bedroom when he heard her. His vampire
senses could hear every tiny sob that she was obviously trying to keep
concealed. For a minute, he fought the urge to go in there. This was
Buffy- she would get over whatever was bothering her. Then, at the same
time, this was a girl that he didn’t know as Buffy. She had the looks, the
memories, but inside, she didn’t seem to be that similar to the woman he once
loved. Spike tried to refuse the feelings that her sobs were causing, but
he felt too protective of her to let her be hurting.

Ignoring the voice that was warning him not to get too close, Spike quietly
opened the door and slipped in her room. He didn’t bother knocking, knowing
that she needed someone, and she would try and act like everything was okay,
if given the time.

He stared at the tiny girl for a moment. Her back was to him and shaking
slightly with the force of her crying. Taking a deep unneeded breath, Spike
laid down on the bed and gathered her into his arms. He wasn’t sure what he
was expecting, maybe for her to shove him away or yell at him. He even
expected her to jump at the feel of a virtual stranger getting so close to
her. What he didn’t expect was for her to roll over and bury her face in
his chest.

Spike stayed quiet through her tears, not sure how to comfort her except for
being there. Her tiny hands clutched at his shirt as she slowly began to
calm down.

“What’s wrong?” he asked softly, his voice full of concern.

“I just miss them so much,” she whispered.

“Your parents?”

Buffy nodded, never raising her eyes to his, as she sniffled, trying to get
some semblance of control back.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled quietly.

“It’s okay, luv.”

Buffy slowly pulled away, looking at him through bloodshot eyes. “Will you
stay?”

“I don’t think that’s such a-“

“Just until I fall asleep. Please?”

Spike considered it for a minute before nodding. “Alright then.”

Buffy gave him a grateful smile before closing her eyes and moving closer to
him. Spike closed his eyes as well, not noticing when she went to sleep.

* * * * *

“Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final
gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: What's it like?
Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch
you didn't throw, or the kicks you didn't land. Every Slayer... has a death
wish. Even you.”

Buffy sat up in bed, gasping for air, her hand clutching at her chest.

“What is it, luv? What’s wrong?” Spike asked as he woke up.

Getting her breathing under control, Buffy slowly turned to him. “What’s a
Slayer?”

She watched as Spike froze, his eyes widening slightly at the question.
“Why do you want to know?”

“I was dreaming about it. Something about Slayers and death.”

Spike glanced down, trying to figure out what to tell her, before looking up
and meeting her eyes again. “A Slayer kills vampires, pet.”

”How would I know what they are or what they’re even called?”

Spike nervously licked his lips before answering, “You’re not ready to
know.”

“How do you know? When will I be ready?”

Spike stayed quiet, not looking at her. He couldn’t tell her who she was,
or used to be- she’d think he was crazy. Spike suddenly looked up at her,
meeting her eyes. “Why did you think I would know about Slayers?”

He saw her nervously pull at a thread from the comforter. “It was your
voice,” she said quietly. “I think you were talking to me. Something about
‘death is your art’, and ‘every slayer has a death wish.’

Spike’s jaw clenched as he rose from the bed. “And the other night? When
you dreamed about Angel being a vampire- was that me telling you?”

Buffy stayed silent as she nodded.

“Right then,” Spike said, backing toward the door. “I think…maybe you
should talk to Wes in the morning. I’ll see you later.”

“Spike, wait! What does it-“

She watched as the door shut behind him, more confused now than when she
woke up.

Spike quickly made his way to his room, nearly slamming the door behind him.

“Her memories are coming back,” he murmured to himself, running a hand
through his hair. “Stay away from her, Spike,” he muttered in a warning
tone. “You’ll get close, just to lose her again. She won’t choose you,
mate. You’ve known that for years.”

Chapter 7 – Who Am I?


“Wesley?” Buffy said timidly, walking into his office the next day.

“Yes, what can I do for you, Buffy?”

“I need to try and find out some things.”

“Such as?”

“I’ve been having more dreams…and I need to know what they mean.”

“What did the dreams entail, Buffy?” Wesley asked with a worried expression.

“The first one was about Slayers. I asked Spike, and he said a Slayer kills
vampires.”

“And that’s all he told you?” he asked anxiously.

“Yes,” Buffy said, nodding. “He told me I wasn’t ready to know and that I
should tell you about the dream.”

“You said the first, was there a second dream?”

Buffy nodded again. “I don’t really know what it was about. It was a bunch
of people I’ve never seen.”

“Can you describe them?”

“Um, a redheaded woman…a man with brown hair…and an older man, he had
glasses. That’s all I remember.”

She watched as Wesley jotted down some notes before looking at her again.
“Buffy, let me talk to Angel, and we’ll see what we can work out.”

“Do you know what’s going on, Wes?”

Wesley seemed to hesitate before answering. “I think I should talk to Angel
first.”

Buffy nodded. “Thanks, Wesley,” she said softly before turning to walk out
of the office. Walking through the door, Buffy ended up running into a
young man that she’d never seen.

“Hi,” he said in a friendly tone, holding out his hand. “I’m Connor.”

“Buffy,” she said, introducing herself as she shook his hand. “I haven’t
seen you around.”

“Yeah, I’ve been out of town with some friends. My dad told me we had a
guest staying for a while.”

“Your dad?”

“Angel.”

Buffy gaped at him, turning when she heard a noise, and saw Angel
approaching. “Oh, Buffy, I see you’ve met my son.”

Buffy absentmindedly nodded as her mind kept trying to turn over the
situation. “But aren’t you a…”

“Long story,” Angel said with a nod. “But Connor is my biological son. You
two may have some things in common. He’s a few months younger than you.”

“Yeah,” Connor spoke up. “We can have a night out, if you want. Get away
from the old fogies around here.”

Buffy smiled as Angel playfully hit Connor on the shoulder.

“So what do you say, Buffy?” Connor asked.

“Um, that sounds good, I guess.”

“Great! We can go catch a movie or something.”

* * * * *

Spike paced the lobby chain-smoking as Wesley, Angel, and Cordelia discussed what should be told to Buffy regarding her dreams. It was getting close to midnight, and Spike was getting more impatient to get out and slay something.

“I think we should tell her,” Cordelia said.

“Cordy, if we tell her everything, it could cause an imbalance in this
dimension,” Wesley said.

“How so?” Angel asked.

“If Buffy understands everything about her life as a Slayer before it
naturally comes back to her, it may severely impact on things to come. On
the prophecy that she was brought back to fulfill.”

“If we tell her, and she was meant to die, maybe this could save her life,”
Cordy reasoned.

“And what if she’s not meant to know and the information we give her ends up
killing her?” Wesley countered.

“What do we know about the prophecy?” Spike asked, finally speaking up.

“Not much,” Wes admitted. “Fred’s working on it, but it’s taking a while to
decipher it’s specific meaning.”

“Where is Buffy, anyway?” Spike asked. He hadn’t seen her since he left her
room in the predawn hours. He was trying to keep his distance, but it
didn’t stop him from thinking about her.

“She and Connor went out,” Angel said.

“What!?”

“Relax, Spike, they just went out with some of Connor’s friends.”

Spike tried to control the jealousy that seemed to flood through his body as
his pacing increased.

“What if we just tell her a summary of her life?” Cordy said, trying to
change the subject.

“Like what?” Angel asked.

“Like…she used to know all of us. She was the Slayer. Nothing too
specific, just some basic things that might help her understand what she’s
dreaming.”

Spike felt a stab of panic but ignored it. It was inevitable that they
would want Buffy’s memories to return- he just wasn’t ready for the abrupt
change in her behavior. The innocent girl he rescued would be no more. In
her place would be the woman who loved Angel and thought of Spike as a
disgusting thing.

“That does sound like the best idea,” Wesley agreed with a nod.

Everyone turned when the door to the hotel opened, revealing Buffy and
Connor walking through, laughing at something. Spike tightened his jaw and
walked to the other side of the room, not trusting his temper around the
younger man.

“Whoa,” Connor said, coming to stop next to his dad. “Team meeting?”

“Something like that,” Angel replied. “Connor, can you do us a favor and go
see if Gunn needs any help with the weapons in the back?”

Connor looked around the room at all of the somber faces and nodded. “Sure
thing, dad.”

Buffy stood nervously as all eyes turned to her. “I can go up to my room,
if-“

“No,” Wesley said. “We needed to talk to you about your dreams. Explain a
few things.”

Buffy stood, waiting expectantly. “I’m listening,” she said softly.

“You should probably sit down,” Angel said.

* * * * *

“Sooooo,” Buffy said slowly, her eyes unfocused as she looked down at the
floor. “I was a vampire slayer in a former life…I knew all of you in some
way…and The Powers That Be, whoever they are, decided to bring me back for
some reason.” She watched as everyone nodded before standing. “Can I ask
all of you a question? Are you completely stoned?!” she yelled, pacing the
room. “Okay, some of the things I can understand, like a man exploding into
dust when he was trying to attack me…obviously not human, so of course it’s
some otherworldly creature. And I’ve given you all the benefit of the
doubt. I mean…you,” she said, pointing to Angel. “You’re a vampire, but
apparently the cuddly kind, and you all have this bizarre career where you
chase demons and vampires, and you have a green demon that can read your
destiny if you sing. I think I’ve had a very open mind about a lot of this,
but to tell me that I’ve lived before and known all of you fairly recently,
it’s just…”

Buffy trailed off as tears sprung to her eyes. What she had just learned
was too much for her. She didn’t understand anything. She couldn’t
understand why these people might lie to her about something like this, but
she also new it was probably the closest thing to the truth that she had.

“Buffy,” Cordelia said gently, approaching her. “We just thought you should
know. The dreams you’re having are memories of what happened to you in the
years leading up to your death.”

Buffy took a shaky breath before turning to look at the older woman. “Does
this mean I’ll start remembering even more things that I don’t remember?”
Everyone looked slightly confused. “You know what I mean.”

“Yes,” Wesley said, standing up. “Being around people you knew has
triggered something that is letting you know through various pieces, who you
used to be.”

“How did I know all of you?”

“I was your temporary Watcher,” Wesley said.

“And a Watcher is in charge of the Sayers?” Buffy asked.

“Yes.”

“What about you?” Buffy turned in Cordy’s direction.

“We knew each other in high school. I moved to L.A. after we graduated.”

“Were we friends?”

“More like…acquaintances. I wasn’t the person I am today.”

“Then I’m technically your age?”

“Technically.”

Buffy nodded. “And Angel?” she asked, looking at him. She noticed as
everyone in the room seemed to become a little more nervous.

“We, uh…we kind of…dated.”

“So, I dated a vampire…well, this just keeps getting better and better,” she
said sarcastically. “No offense,” she added as an afterthought, looking at
both Cordelia and Angel.

Both nodded as she turned to look at Spike. Before she could ask, she heard
Angel’s voice behind her. “Spike was an ally of yours.”

“Ally?” she said skeptically with a raised eyebrow, never taking her eyes off the man in front of
her.

Spike was frozen in place. For a second, just the smallest of seconds, he’d
seen the old Buffy come through. He couldn’t even be sure what it was. The
look in her eyes, the slight tilt of her head, a brief flash of recognition.
He couldn’t be sure.

“I helped out before you died,” he said quietly, averting his eyes as he
inhaled sharply on his cigarette.

Buffy nodded, turning to face the remaining members of the group. “I think
I need to get some sleep,” she muttered, turning for the stairs.

“Buffy, if you need to talk, we’re all-“

“I’ll be okay,” she said, turning and offering a smile to Angel. “It’s just
a lot to process.”

* * * * *

Spike had been pacing his room for over two hours. He knew that he should
have gotten out of the hotel while he had a chance, but his mind was a
wreck. The look that Buffy had given him was burned into his memory. The
disbelieving way she had said one word made him think she knew more than
she was letting on about.

Hearing a knock at the door, Spike went to answer it and was only slightly
surprised when he saw Buffy standing on the other side. Walking in before
he even moved out of the way, Buffy shut the door and turned to face him.
“Were we in love?”

“What?” he asked, the shock evident in his voice.

“You heard me. I want to know.”

“Why do you think we were in love?”

“I remember a marriage proposal.”

Spike started laughing- he couldn’t help it. Everything coming back to him
about the false engagement:

“Do you want to be William the Bloody or just Spike? 'Cause either way, it’s
going to look majorly weird.”

“Whereas the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance.”

Spike shook his head, trying to control his laughter.

“I didn’t think it was that funny.”

“It was a spell, luv. You never loved me, you definitely never wanted to
marry me. At least, not when you were in control of your own free will.”

“Were you in love with me?” she asked quietly, taking a step closer to him.

Spike’s smile faded as she closed in on him. “Why do you ask?”

“’I loved her. She didn’t return the feeling…she died because I couldn’t
save her’,” Buffy recited what he had told her the night that he’d walked
her home.

Spike clenched his jaw. “Why is it that whatever I say always comes back
to haunt me?” he asked to no one in particular.

“You said it was a woman that I reminded you of,” Buffy said softly, taking
another step toward him. “A woman that you were in love with.”

Spike suddenly had to fight the feeling of needing to breathe as her body
brushed against his. “Things were different then, Buffy.”

“Things are different now,” she replied quietly, letting her hands trail along
his chest.

“You don’t know what you mean,” Spike said, closing his eyes to try and
reign in his emotions.

“I know enough,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck and
pulling his lips to hers in a soft kiss.

Spike tried to fight it with everything he had left in him. This was
wrong, this wasn’t the Buffy that he knew. And when her memories returned,
she wasn’t going to be happy with the way she was acting right now.

Spike’s eyes squeezed shut as Buffy moaned into his mouth, arching her body
against his. He felt his hands, of their own accord, begin to run the
length of her back as they deepened the kiss. Spike jumped slightly when he
felt her tongue stroke his before she pulled away breathlessly to look into
his eyes.

“I want you, Spike,” she whispered, pulling him toward the bed.

This seemed to snap him out of the daze he was in. Pulling his hand away
from hers as if he’d been burned, Spike took several steps away from her,
needing distance in his favor. “We can’t,” he said in a gruff voice.

“Why not?” Buffy asked, taking another step toward him.

“Don’t,” he said in a menacing tone that caused her to stop. “You don’t
want this, Buffy. You never did. This isn’t you.”

“No,” Buffy replied angrily. “This isn’t her! I’m not her, Spike. I don’t
care what happened, what memories I might get back, I know what I want!”

“No, you don’t. You think you do. You think because I saved you that you
know me? You don’t know anything!” he yelled, turning his back on her.

“Then tell me!” Buffy cried. “What do I need to know, Spike? Tell me!”

Buffy gasped and stumbled backwards as Spike whirled around to face her, his
demon mask firmly in place. “How about this, luv? Is this a face you
want?”

Regaining her composure after a moment, Buffy took a step forward. “You told me that there
was nobody here who would hurt me. So, I get one more shock of the day- it
doesn’t change what I feel for you.”

Spike reverted back to his human features as he looked at her through cold
blue eyes. “No. It doesn’t change anything…until you remember some more.
I’m not your bloody knight in shining armor. I’m a demon. Evil. There’s
nothing you can do about that, so why don’t you get out?”

Spike couldn’t watch as he saw the tears in her eyes. Turning his head, he
saw her cover her mouth as she ran from the room. He knew he’d hurt her,
but he couldn’t live with it if he’d done something tonight that would
make her hate herself later. He might hate himself, but he couldn’t do that
to her.

Chapter 8 - Remembering

“You can’t deny it. There’s something between us.”

“Loathing. Disgust.”

Buffy’s eyes fluttered open. For the first time since the dreams started,
she didn’t awake with a start. But that didn’t make it any less painful to
endure.

Glancing at the clock, Buffy realized that she had only been asleep for an
hour. The sun was beginning to rise, casting her room in a soft golden
glow. It had taken her several hours to get to sleep once she had finally
calmed herself down.

Spike’s rejection was still with her, his words still haunting her. But now
she couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said to him, once upon a time.
The dream practically had surround-sound. She could clearly see his eyes,
begging her to give him a chance. The little boy that was wanting to be
loved, as well as the man who closed himself off to any emotion other than
hate. She had rejected him. She knew she couldn’t stay upset with what he
said tonight when she realized she had probably done something even more
hurtful at one time.

Standing up, Buffy walked over to the window, pulling the curtains closed.
She didn’t want the happiness that the sunshine had to offer. She wanted to
be alone. Sitting back down on the edge of her bed, Buffy ran her hands
through her hair, fighting tears for the second time that night. This time,
the tears weren’t for her.

Buffy gasped and jumped to her feet when she heard a knock at the door.
Breathing in a deep breath, Buffy reprimanded herself for being so jumpy.
“Come in,” she called quietly.

Buffy was surprised when she saw Connor walk in. “Hi. Did I wake you?”

“N-no, but…what are you doing here?”

“I heard you moving around. Figured you couldn’t sleep.”

“You heard me?”

“Super-hearing,” Connor replied, pointing to his ear. “One of the benefits
of being a child of two vampires.” Buffy nodded as he continued. “So, you
wanna talk about anything?”

Buffy hesitated for a minute. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Connor- she
did. But definitely not in the way he seemed to hope. She didn’t want to
get his hopes up when she didn’t return the same feelings that she was
afraid he might have. “I’m okay,” she said, trying to offer a small smile.

“Well, you wanna go down and get some hot chocolate or something?”

“Sure,” Buffy agreed with a nod. “That sounds great.”

Grabbing a sweater on her way out the door, Buffy pulled it around her thin
frame, covering the tank top she had been sleeping in. She hugged it
tighter to her body, walking down the drafty corridors of the old hotel
until they reached the door of the kitchen.

Buffy sat down on one of the stools at the island as Connor began searching
through cabinets, pulling out the necessary items. Both stayed quiet as he
fixed their drinks. Buffy offered him a grateful smile when he set the
steaming mug in front of her.

“So…would you like to talk about it?”

“Nothing to talk about,” Buffy said with a shrug. “Couldn’t sleep. That’s
about it.”

“My dad and the others talked to you about something?”

“Yeah,” Buffy said quietly. “Nothing for you to worry about.”

“But you’ll still be staying here, right?”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” she said, looking into her mug as
Connor wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders.

Both turned, hearing a noise behind them, and Buffy quickly averted her eyes,
seeing an angry Spike standing there.

“Hey, Spike,” Connor said, obviously not noticing the heightened tension in
the room.

Buffy watched as Spike’s eyes drifted from Buffy to the arm that was still
wrapped around her shoulders. “Buffy, can we talk?”

Buffy was about to tell him they had nothing to talk about, but that would
probably lead to more questions from Connor. Instead, she nodded and gave
Connor an apologetic smile as she followed Spike out of the kitchen.

Both walked into the back garden, Buffy standing close to the door as Spike
began pacing the length of the area.

After a few minutes, Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. “You wanted to
talk…so talk.”

Spike stopped his pacing to come to stop in front of her. “You’re Buffy.”

“Boy…did it take you all this time to figure that out?” she asked
sarcastically.

“You’re the Buffy I knew. You’re not her, but at the same time, you’re
exactly her.”

“Is this why you brought me out here? Trying to figure out which of my
split personalities that I am right now?”

“I’m sorry about what happened up there, luv,” Spike said quietly as he
gestured toward the hotel.

“Don’t worry about it,” Buffy said, turning to head back into the hotel when
she felt his hand on her arm.

“But I am. I am worried about it.”

“Why?” Buffy asked, turning around to face him.

“Because I never meant to hurt you.”

“You haven’t even come close to hurting me,” she said stubbornly.

“That’s it!” Spike said, pointing to her. “Right there… that’s the Buffy I
know. The stubborn little chit who can’t show any weakness because she's
scared someone might get too close.”

“You know, I’m really getting sick of being thought of as her. You act like I
know what you’re talking about…I don’t!”

“You will,” Spike said quietly. “And nothing will be the same
between us, luv. That’s why I had to stop what we were about to do.”

“What do you mean, Spike? What happened?”

Spike bit his lip, staring down at the ground as he took a step away from
her. “I was your enemy, Buffy.”

“That’s not what Angel said,” Buffy replied, shaking her head.

“Not when you died, but…I was.”

“It might help if you gave me the whole story.”

“I went to Sunnydale to find the Slayer. To kill her…you.”

“When?”

“When you were the same age you are right now. I failed…a lot, but you did,
too. Eventually, you started paying me to help.”

“That’s how you became an ally?” she asked in confusion.

“At first.”

“And then you fell in love with her…me?”

Spike nodded, never looking at her.

“What happened, Spike?”

“You need to figure that out on your own, pet.”

“What are you so afraid of? What are you hiding?”

“I can’t tell you that, Buffy.”

Buffy watched as Spike turned and walked back into the hotel. She was more
confused than ever, and no one would explain to her what was going on.
Didn’t they realize that she was just a sixteen year old girl? She had
tried to take all of this remarkably well, but she was feeling the girl she
once was slipping away. In her place was a woman who knew far too much
about the ways of the world for her age.

* * * * *

Later that day, Buffy laid in her bed, asleep. She had been up most of the
night and wanted to get some much needed rest, but now as she slept, she
desperately tried to wake up as the images filled her dreams. She knew she
was dreaming. She was coherent enough to realize it, but it was still
disconcerting as she watched her dreams play out. She found herself
watching a Buffy that was a few years older than her, walking through a
graveyard. “You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I
wish I didn’t.”

The scene changed to an old warehouse. “That chip in your head? That’s not
change. Th-that’s just holding you back. You’re like a serial killer in
prison!”

The younger Buffy shut her eyes at the pain in Spike’s eyes when she heard
the older Buffy’s voice, “You don’t know what feelings are!”

The setting changed again, getting hazy as she looked around the drab
interior. She could see Spike, standing in front of her, only it wasn’t
her- it was who she used to be. “It’s not love. You can’t love without a
soul.”

Buffy felt the area spin as she stood in a street, watching as Spike followed
her toward a house. “I want you out of this town, I want you off this
planet.”

A few seconds later, she was standing in the house. There was no older Buffy
in sight- now it was her. She stood looking at Spike as he stood on the
other side of the door with a confused and expectant look on his face,
moments before she closed the door in his face.

The location changed again as she looked around an alley, watching as Spike
stared at her with hurt in his eyes. “Say it’s true…say I do want to.”
Buffy fought it with everything that she had as her hands, of their own
will, shoved Spike to the ground. “It wouldn’t be you, Spike. It would
never be you,” she said as she threw some cash at him. “You’re beneath me.”

Buffy opened her eyes, grateful that the nightmare was over, but horrified
at the person she used to be or was supposed to become. Tears fell from her
eyes as she jumped out of the bed, pulling on some jeans with a white
turtleneck and some shoes. She nearly ripped the door off its hinges as she
ran from the room.

Buffy tore through the hallway of the hotel, down the stairs, and through the
lobby, desperate to get out of this place. To get away from people who knew
who she used to be. To get away from Spike before she caused him any more
pain.

Throwing the door open, she was about to run into the garden, only to be
stopped when she collided with two solidly muscled chests. Buffy gasped as
she felt her arms seized on each side.

“Buffy, luv, what’s wrong?” Spike asked with concern in his voice as he
stared down at her from one side.

“Let me go,” she whispered with tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Buffy, what happened?” Angel asked in confusion.

Buffy didn’t answer. She jerked her arms out of both of their grips, shoving
each of them away as she ran outside.

“Buffy!” Spike yelled as he tried to chase after her. Unconcerned with his
own safety, he felt a strong hand grasp the back of his duster and throw him
back into the hotel. “What the bloody hell are you doing, Angelus?” he
growled, letting his vampire visage come over his face.

“I’m saving you from going up in flames, Spike,” Angel said through gritted
teeth.

“Something’s wrong, Angel. We need to go after her.”

“You take a few more steps out of that door, and you won’t be any help to any
of us,” Angel said, jogging toward the stairs. “I’ll get Gunn and Connor.
They can go after her.”

Spike paced the lobby like a caged tiger, waiting for the men to return.
After what seemed like hours but was actually only a few minutes, he saw Gunn running down the stairs, pulling on a coat, as Connor followed closely
behind.

“I’m hitting the tunnels,” Spike said, heading for the basement.

“Spike, she’s not underground,” Angel replied.

“Well, you don’t expect me to stay here and do nothing, do you? It’s
another two hours before the bleedin’ sun sets,” he said, pointing outside.
“I’ve gotta do something.”

* * * * *

Buffy hugged her arms tightly to her body, letting her hair fall in her
face as she walked through the city. The sun had set over an hour ago,
leaving Buffy feeling even more discouraged as the darkness surrounded her.
The tears hadn’t stopped falling since she left the hotel.

She couldn’t believe the person she used to be. She had accused Spike of
not knowing what feelings were, when apparently, it was her that was guilty
of that. She obviously had no compassion if she didn’t see the look in his
eyes.

Buffy squeezed her eyes shut, trying to rid herself of the ever-present
anguish that seemed to reside in Spike’s eyes. She couldn’t get the image
of those eyes out of her mind. He had never looked at her that way before,
and it was eating her up inside to know what she had done.

Buffy looked up and found herself in a cemetery. She frowned, not sure how
far she had walked or even where she was. She had run as far away as her
legs would carry her before slowing down, and now she didn’t even know if
she was still in the city.

“Not like it matters,” Buffy said softly to herself. “You can’t go back to
the hotel anyway.”

Buffy gasped as she felt her arm grabbed from behind. Spinning around, she
let loose with a flying kick, effectively dislodging the man’s grip from her
arm and feeling satisfied at the sound of ribs cracking. She gasped when
she looked down to see Charles Gunn groaning in pain. Connor came rushing
toward them as Buffy went into fighting stance.

“How did you find me?” she asked quietly.

“We’ve been tracking you since you left.”

“Tracking?” Buffy asked in disbelief.

“You need to come back to the hotel, Buffy,” Gunn said, trying to get to his
feet.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t want to fight you, Buffy,” Connor said, advancing on her.

“No…you really don’t,” Buffy replied in a menacing voice.

Before Connor could get any closer, she attacked, feeling power surge
through her that she didn’t know she had. Connor fought back with as much
strength as he could manage, but he was ultimately no match for her.

When he was effectively incapacitated, Buffy took off running. Gunn watched
her go, painfully reaching into his back pocket to extract his cell phone.

* * * * *

Spike ran through the cemetery, his demon features taking over to heighten
his senses. Pausing briefly, he focused on a particular area. Gunn had
called him ten minutes ago, while he and Connor were on their way to the
hospital. Spike was scared that Buffy had already gotten away when he
caught her scent.

Running as fast as he could, her scent got stronger as he came to the outer
edges of the cemetery. He stopped, looking over at a crypt, when he heard a
tiny noise. Walking softly so as not to alert whoever or whatever was
inside, Spike carefully looked around the corner, through the door.

Breathing a sigh of relief when he saw Buffy, the relief was short-lived as
he looked at her. She had pulled herself into a ball, trying to keep her
sobs quiet as her tiny body shook with their impact.

Cautiously, Spike stepped through the door, not wanting to alert her to his
presence until he was closer. Crouching down in front of her, he gently
reached out to caress her hair, not surprised when her body tensed and she
flew to a standing position.

“Spike?’ she asked, not sure if it was him she was seeing.

“It’s me, luv,” he whispered quietly.

“Please go away,” she said, looking away from him.

Not listening, Spike took a step closer, wrapping her in a strong embrace.
She tried to put up a fight, but her tears eventually began to fall again as
the teenage girl won her inner battle. Spike held her firmly as Buffy
sobbed into his chest, clutching at his duster as he held her upright.

“Talk to me, Buffy,” he whispered. “Tell me what happened.”

Chapter 9 - Comfort


After a few minutes, Buffy tried to get herself under control. Her tears
began to fade, and she slowly realized where she was and who she was with.
Stepping out of Spike’s comforting embrace, Buffy put some distance between
them.

“What’s going on, luv?”

Buffy wiped the tears from her face, avoiding his eyes. “I’ve just…I’ve
just been having more dreams.”

Spike took a step forward. “From the night you died?”

Buffy shook her head. “You,” she whispered, feeling the tears begin to fall
once again.

“Me?” Spike asked in confusion.

Buffy nodded. “The things I…memories…things I said to you…”

Spike’s eyes widened in comprehension, his mouth opening slightly, as Buffy
looked at him with a tear-streaked face. “What memories, luv?” he asked
quietly.

Buffy took a long time to answer, taking a deep breath before she did.
“Sometimes we were walking, and I was just…I was constantly berating you.
The worst was…was…”

Spike stepped closer to her, tenderly tilting her chin up to face him. “Was
what?”

Buffy took a shaky breath as she stared into his eyes. “We were in an
alley…I told you that…”

“That I was beneath you?” he asked softly.

Buffy nodded, trying to put more distance between them, but Spike was too
quick for her. Pulling her back into his arms, he held her tight as she
tried to get away from him.

“No, Spike. How can you want to be around me? I was horrible to you! How
can you not hate me?”

Spike buried his face in her hair, holding the back of her neck and
tentatively rubbing it as her breathing slowed. “I don’t hate you, Buffy.
I can’t,” he whispered. “I’ve tried, and I just can’t.”

Buffy took a step back to look at him, seeing the same emotions she was
feeling mirrored in his eyes. “I don’t want to turn into her, Spike,” she
said quietly. “I never want to treat you that way.”

Spike offered her a slight smile, gently tucking a piece of hair behind her
ear. “I fell in love with you in spite of that.”

Buffy stared at him with shimmering eyes. “You love me?”

Spike seemed to realize his mistake as he quickly averted his eyes, taking a
step toward the doorway. “We should get going, pet. Everyone is worried
about you.”

“Spike-“

“Buffy…don’t,” Spike said, never turning to face her. “It’s not important,
so just…it’s not important.”

“It is,” she whispered. “What if I feel the same way?”

Spike felt his heart swell and drop at the same time. This wasn’t his Buffy
saying these words. “Listen, pet…we’ll talk more when you get more of your
memories back.”

“Alright,” she said softly as she followed him out into the cool night air.
“But I’m holding you to that.”

* * * * *

Cordelia and Fred both ran toward Buffy as she entered the hotel.

“Buffy, where were you?” Cordelia asked.

“We were so worried,” Fred added.

“I’m sorry. I just got some memories back that I didn’t know how to deal
with.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Fred asked.

“No, I think I’ll be okay,” Buffy said, shooting a nervous glance at Spike.
He offered her a tender smile of reassurance, setting her mind at ease.

“I think, maybe I’ll just go up to my room, if that’s okay.”

“Sure,” Cordy said. “I’ll check on you later.”

“Thanks,” Buffy said, offering a grateful smile as she began walking up the
stairs.

Entering her room, Buffy dropped down on the floor next to her bed with a
thud. She did feel a little bit better, but she was still trying to come to
terms with who she once was. Hearing a light knock on the door, Buffy
quickly wiped her damp eyes. “Come in.”

Spike opened the door slightly and caught sight of Buffy on the floor.
“You okay, pet?”

“I’ll be okay.”

Spike nodded. “I just thought I’d check on you before I head out.”

“You’re going somewhere?”

“Just patrolling. I haven’t been out as much as I’d like lately.”

“Oh,” Buffy mumbled, glancing down at her hands.

Spike sighed. “Do you want to come with me?”

Buffy hesitated, not sure if she wanted to be in such close proximity with a
man she had obviously hurt years ago.

“Buffy, you’re going to have to get used to working with me. I’m here to
stay, pet. And you are, too, if I have anything to say about it.”

Buffy seemed to think about it for a minute before nodding. “I guess if I
used to be the Slayer, I need some practice, don’t I?”

Spike’s mind flashed to the prophecy that hadn’t been deciphered. It would
be better if Buffy started getting back in the mindset of a Slayer. Even
though the last thing that Spike wanted was to lose the fragile relationship
he had with her now, it could help to keep her alive. “It couldn’t hurt.”
Buffy gave him a smile as she stood up and followed him out of the room,
jumping slightly when Spike spun around to face her again. “But you stay
close to me at all times, understand?”

Buffy nodded, staying quiet as they walked out of the hotel.

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