disclaimer: I don't own them Joss Whedon does.

memories in ***


"Mama!"

Dawn Summers Jacobs looked up from the back porch and smiled at the
little boy in the sandbox. He was holding a bucket in one hand and grinning as the
sand emptied from it into a messy sand mountain.

"Nice, Will." She smiled at the little boy. He was absolutely precious and she couldn't
imagine life without him or his daddy, Jordan. As Will went back to his work in
the sand box she rifled through the stack of mail in her lap.

The old fashioned handwriting immediately caught her eye, she anxiously tore
open the letter and began to read the familiar writing. Dawn had not seen
Spike in three years, he had come through town and stopped by to see her and
Jordan. Buffy had been in England at the time staying with Giles. Dawn could still
hear Buffy trying to hide her dissappointment when Dawn told her that Spike had
come by. Every so often Dawn got a note from the wayward vampire - just a hello
and never a return address. He didn't know about the baby that she had named
after him. She reread the note,

"Niblet,

I will be in Sunnydale on the 21rst, I'll come by and visit. If I'm still welcome that is.
See you soon,
Spike"

If he was still welcome! Of course he was welcome, he was going to be so surprised
to meet Will. Jordan hadn't questioned why Dawn wanted to name their son after
her sisters strange ex boyfriend. All he knew was that during the time after Dawn's mom
had died that Spike - William had been there for her and Buffy. And if he wondered
more about the relationship between Buffy and Spike he never asked. Dawn was
very thankful for her understanding husband.

"Time to go in." Dawn called to the dark haired child in the sandbox, "Daddy will be
home soon and we need to start supper." She took the little boys hand and led
him in to the house.

"Daddy?" Will questioned as his mom washed his chubby hands.

"I bet thats him." Dawn smiled as she heard the front door open.

"Dawn, Will." Jordan called as he walked towards the kitchen. He kissed his
wife's cheek and leaned down to pick up his son. "How's my boy?"

"Sand." Will grinned at his daddy.

"You played in the sand box? Oh, big fun." His daddy kissed the top of his head
as he sat him back down. He turned to Dawn, "And how was your day?"

"Good. I got a note from Spike, he'll be coming by tomorrow. And since he's like
clockwork it will be tomorrow night." Dawn giggled - Jordan knew nothing of Spike's
sun allergy.

"Thats nice, we haven't seen him for what? Three years now?" Jordan began
to help with the salad as Will sat in the kitchen floor playing with tupperware.


"Yeah. I think I'm going to invite Buffy for supper. That okay?"

"Of course, I love your sister we don't see her enough. But.......how will she react
to Spike?" Jordan raised his eyebrows at his wife.

Dawn looked at the pot on the stove avoiding his eyes, "Oh, she'll be ........okay
with it."

"Are you sure? I get the feeling there is lots of story there that I don't know."
He placed a hand on Dawn's shoulder.

She turned to smile at him, "It's time they faced each other, it'll be okay."

He kissed her cheek, "Okay, I trust you. But I have seen Buffy's temper and it's not
pretty. Remember the caterer at out wedding when they screwed up the hor douerve
order. She went off on him." He shuddered and frowned at the memory.

"Well she wanted it perfect for us." Dawn shook her head remembering Buffy's
words, 'I only want this to be perfect for you Dawnie, you get to have the perfect life!'
Buffy had left the words unsaid but Dawn could still hear them in her own mind,
" the perfect life I'll never have."

So Buffy had given Dawn the perfect wedding then gone off to England to stay and
study with Giles for two years. She had moved home last year a few months
after Will's birth and opened her own book shop - yes Buffy Summers owned a bookstore. Who would
have thought? Buffy had a good head for business, she was a caring sister, a doting woman
and sadly a lonely woman. Dawn worried about her older sister constantly. She
didn't know all of the details of Buffy and Spike's relationship, but even all those
years ago as young as she was she could sense that they had become close - then
suddenly Spike had left town. She still remembered that last visit before he left.

**
"Niblet, I've got to go. Buffy's back and you really don't need me around anymore.
It's whats best for all of us."

"I don't want you to go. Buffy doesn't want you to go."

"I wish I could stay, lil bit, I really do. But it's not gonna happen. Give ol' Spike a
hug and I'll be on my way." He had hugged her tightly to him and she swore his eyes
had been misty. "I'll write." And then he was gone.

She found out later that he had left a note for Buffy without saying goodbye. Buffy
had put on quite a brave front. "I'm glad he's gone." She said the words repeatedly
but they never sounded convincing to Dawn. And the fact that sometimes late at
night Dawn would peek in her sister's room and find her reading the worn note and
crying just confirmed Dawn's feeling that so much more had gone on between
her sister and the vampire then anyone knew.

****

&&&&&
"Juice?" Will pulled at his mom's leg shaking her away from her memories.

"Yes, sweetie. here is some juice." She handed the sippie cup to the little boy
and ran a hand through his hair.

Jordan changed and came back down to the kitchen, "So are you going to call,
Buffy?"

"Yeah, if you'll set the table. I'll do it now." Dawn picked up the phone.

"Are you telling her that Spike will here?"

"No, I dont' think thats a good idea." Dawn dialed the number as Jordan shook
his head and sighed. The phone rang three times before Dawn heard Buffy's hello
on the other end.

"Buffy, it's me. Jordan and I were just thinking that maybe you should come over
for supper tomorrow night. It's been along time and Will misses his Aunt Buffy."

%%%%%%%


Buffy lay her mail on the counter top and sat on the barstool, "Sure, Dawn that sounds
nice. I've got to get some stuff done so I'll see you tomorrow. Love you, bye."
Buffy hung up the phone and picked up the mail again a postcard fluttered to the
countertop. The writing was achingly familiar, she took a deep breath as she
began to read the words.

"Buffy,

I'll be in town on the 21st. I would like to see you - if I'm still welcome.

Spike"

She lay the card down on the counter and closed her eyes - she was
10 years younger and confused, scared and in great denial over her feelings for
Spike. He had left her with only a note claiming he loved her more then anything
and that he couldn't bear to be around her any longer knowing she would never
admit her feelings for him. She still read the note even now, she had tried really hard
to date other men, it had never happened and she spend many
nights crying over the one who got away. She picked the card up again and
reread the short message. How did he get her address anyway? She shook
her head this was Spike, there was no telling how he had found her address.

He wanted to see her, why? Was it to tell her that he was finally over her? Maybe
a new woman had taken over his life? Good, good. he deserved that, she had
not been able to give him that, she's only realized that she truly loved him after
he had gone and then she had not even tried to find him for fear he would laugh
in her face - tell her it was too late. Her pride had stood in her way of looking for
him.

Buffy poured herself a glass of wine and curled up on the couch still holding the
postcard. The doorbell rang and she silently cursed whoever was interrupting her
broody moment. Sighing she stood and answered the door, her eyes were
wide as she realized who stood outside her door. "Sp.......ike?"

He stood outside the door, his trademark smirk on his handsome face. "Slayer, never knew
you to stutter." He still wore his infamous duster, but over blue jeans and a simplel white shirt.

Buffy finally spoke, "It's only the 20th. You said the 21rst." Stupid, Buffy, how stupid
is that to say to him the first time you see him in ten very long years.

"Yeah, well you know me." He smiled a genuine smile at her and his blue eyes
twinkled. "You gonna invite me in?"

"Well, yes....Spike...come in." Buffy spoke the words softly as she opened the
door further for him to enter.

He walked in and looked around the small but neat apartment. "Nice place, you
got here. Live alone?" He asked curiously.

"If that is your subltle way of asking if I'm involved with someone - no I'm not." She
lowered her head for a moment at his stare, "Would you like a glass of wine? I'm
having one."

"Sure, that would be nice." He answered, his courage ebbing away as he looked
at her closely. Still as beautiful as ever.

"Sit down, I'll be right back." She walked into the kitchen and took a deep breath,
the accent, the hair, the eyes, the lips....still the same gorgeous Spike who found
new ways to infuriate and satisfy in the same hour. Whoa - no going there.

Spike sat down on the couch and tried to calm himself, she was in the other room,
Buffy the girl of his dreams just a few yards away. He closed his eyes and
remembered.

***

Dreaming, Dreaming, I'm dreaming. His mind was fuzzy as he lay on the
basement floor of an abandoned house - he was nude and a small nude body
lay against him. The were lying on his duster covered by a piece of leather? Her skirt?
He was almost afraid to open his eyes and look at her - if he acknowledged she
was there would it all end?

He turned ever so slightly, ever so gently so he wouldn't wake her. He just wanted
to watch her sleep there beside him. She looked exhausted but a small smile
tugged at her mouth even in sleep. He hadn't seen many of those lately so he was
putting that in the memory book he had stored in his head of this night. He knew
sure as the sun rose she was going to start with regret and denial.

So he began to store memories before that happened. The sound of his zipper going
down, the feel of her as she lowered herself, the look in her eyes -a mix of lust
and disbelief at what she was doing. The way she kept her eyes even with his,
the taste of her lips, of her neck, the way she never broke contact as they fell
to the basement floor.

The way her small hands roamed his body as if she knew every curve of it and how
now she did know its every curve intimately and he knew hers. The look on her face
at that intense moment, her eyes closed, mouth open in a sensual moan. Her shallow
panting when they finished the first time and he was sure the night was over. But instead
she tugged insistently at his clothing and quickly shed hers as he lay out the duster
beneath them.

The following morning had brought the inevitable accusations and denial - he had held up his
end of the argument well, matching her insult for insult, never showing how much he was hurting.
It happened like that several times before he finally had given up on her ever admitting her feelings
and left Sunnydale for a less painful place to live.
**

Spike sighed as he listened to Buffy in the kitchen. He had never managed to find that less painful
place, every where he had wandered held something that reminded him of her, a gorgeous blond somewhere,
an overheard smart alec comment in a club, mostly it was the couples he saw on his journeys that made
him think of her, people in love, holding hands, stealing a kiss on a crowded street or in the corner of a
dark club. He had tried to wash away the pain of loving her by finding someone else - meaningless
relationships that lasted a couple nights and never ever helped with the pain, only adding to it as he realized
he was doomed to love her and her alone - forever. Thats when he had made his first visit to Sunnydale -
the excuse was to see Niblet, not much of an excuse he truly did want to see the Niblet, he missed her almost
as much as her older sister. He had hid his dissappointment very well from Dawn when she had told him
Buffy was in England. Probably better off not seeing her, could only lead to more heartache for him.
He heard Buffy coming towards the living room, why the hell am I here?

%%%%


Buffy took her time getting Spike's wine. She was putting off being in the same room with him, he scared her
and intimidated her more then any creature she had ever fought - because he knew her better. She could never
hide anything from him, he could see right through her and had called her on her stubborness on more then one occassion
.
****
"Admit it." Spike's low voice hummed just over her ear as one hand made lazy circles on her bare tummy.

"No. Spike - not tonight. Don't ruin it, please." Buffy had tried to change the subject by directing his attention
elsewhere. She leaned forward and kissed him passionately. It usually worked - he would give in, they would
make love and he would leave the subject of love and feelings alone. But not tonight.........tonight she was
surprised when he sat up in the bed and pushed her away.

"No, not this time, Buffy. This time I need something from you - I don't ever ask for much." His eyes
were sad as she watched his expression change from lustful to thoughtful.

"Spike......." She knew he was telling the truth, he didn't ask for much, just the one thing she couldn't bear to
give him. If she gave him her love it meant that she could get hurt all over again and that was never gonna happen
to Buffy Anne Summers again.

"You are so damn stubborn, can't admit you do have feelings, can't admit this is more then a stress reliever
for you." He had stood then and finding his pants pulled them on hastly, "I just want that one damn crumb,
I've been waiting for and I just realized it's never gonna come is it? NEVER" He had marched out of her
room before she could find the right words to say to make him stay. And the next day his note had been
delivered - he left Sunnydale without saying goodbye. And her heart broke in two.

*****

&&&&&
Buffy sniffed back a tear, she would not cry in front of him, she would not let him see how much he affected,
*still* affected her. Carrying his wineglass in one hand and the bottle in the other she pasted on a smile
and walked into her living room. "Here you go." She continued to smile as she sat down next to him on the
couch.

"Thanks." He told her as he took a sip of the sweet wine.

"So, umm.......how have you been?" Buffy sipped her own wine as she waited for his answer.

"Good. Traveled quite a bit. Understand you did some traveling too. 'Bit said you had been to England
and stayed with Giles for quite a while." He smiled at her and she took a closer look at his mouth, those
lips that had brought forth some of the most hurtful comments she had ever heard yet could also bring
the most pleasure she could ever remember.


"Yes, I spent some time with Giles, he helped me alot- helped me learn alot about myself and about the business world. I have my
own book store now."

"Yeah, I heard that." He didn't explain how he had actually paid someone at Willy's for the information earlier
that evening. "Slayer running a store - Anya would be proud." He laughed softly.

Buffy joined in his laughter and felt compelled to touch him in some small way, just to feel the smooth cooleness of his skin again under
the warmth of hers. She gently lay her hand on his arm in an innocent show of affection and giggled again, "Anya
was so proud she sent me a frame for my first dollar earned."

"So how is she? And Xander?" His smile warmed at her touch on his arm.

"They are great, they live in Seattle now. Xander writes for a newspaper there. Three kids and a dog."
She moved her hand from his arm and leaned back into the couch, "They are very happy - who would have
thought?"

"I'm surprised they left Sunnydale - you know fighting the good fight and all that rot." He took another sip of his wine.

"Well they tried to stay, but once they had children what had seemed noble at first, just seemed foolish and dangerous."
Buffy sighed.

"And they weren't destined to do it - like you?" Spike added a bit of sadness in his voice.

Buffy sighed again, "Nope, no sacred duty for them. But thats okay, I don't begrudge them their happiness.
at all."

"How bout Red and Tara?" He asked curiously.

"Believe it or not Willow and Oz found each other about three years ago and they are together in San Francisco,
he still dabbles in music and Willow teaches at a High School there." Buffy smiled when she remembered
her last visit with them.

"The wolf found his witch again. Kind of romantic in a hellmouth way." Spike spoke the words softly. "but what of
Tara?"

"Oh she's happy in Memphis, TN. She has significant other who doesn't have a clue about werewolves and witches,
she runs a health food store. I guess that covers everyone." Buffy finished her wine and poured herself another
glass and tipped the bottle towards Spike, he nodded his head and watched her pour the liquid into his glass.

"Not quite....the LA gang? Cordelia and Peaches?" He raised his eyes as he said Peaches.

"Cordelia married some celebrity lawyer about five years ago. Angel.........I"m not sure I guess he is still
running his business and taking care of his son. I really haven't talked to him much over the last few years.
There just hasn't been a reason." Buffy studied her fingernails as Spike took this in.

"Wait a minute.......Peaches has a son? How?"

"Long story that involves Darla and I really don't want to be the one to tell it, okay?" Buffy gave him a small
smile.

"Yeah, but I'm gonna have to have the NIblet fill me in on that one." He shook his head, "Angel, Darla and
a kid?"

"Okay,my turn. How bout Dru?" She asked rolling her eyes.

"Dunno, havent' seen her since that last time in Sunnydale, when I........" He suddenly stopped midsentence,
no reason to bring that up now.

"Since you had me in chains and she tried to kill me?" Buffy finished for him.

"Uh...yeah that was it I believe." He replied sheepishly.

"It's okay, Spike. It's water under the bridge. Two old friends can bring up stuff like that." She was staring at
him again and he couldn't seem to break eye contact with her.

"Is that what we are? Two old friends?" He asked his voice rough.

"Well, yes we are." She cleared her throat and continued to look intently at him.

It happened so suddenly that neither of them could say who made the first move. Lips touched lips and small hands
moved over high cheekbones as larger ones ran through long golden hair, as if they not been apart for ten years.

Buffy was the first to pull back for a needed breath. She grinned when she saw the frightned look on Spike's face.
"I need a breath, I don't have a stake hidden."

He relaxed then and reached to cup her cheek with his hand, he leaned towards her and rested his forehead
against hers, "I missed you." He whispered feathersoft against her skin.

"I missed you too." She sighed against him, "I missed this." She kissed him again, "And this." She ran
her hand over his chest.

"Me too." He returned the kisses as they became more frantic, "And this," He nibbled lightly on her neck as her
hands wandered even farther down to rest on his belt.

"And I really missed this." She laughed softly as her hand found the zipper and pulled it down.

"Oh yeah....." Her warm hand was on him in a swift motion and he was drowning in her all over again. He felt
the pressure of her hand and groaned, she smiled at the sound before his lips claimed hers once again.

They were totally lost in the sensations of each other when Buffy felt Spike pull back. "No." He shook his head
and frowned. "I'm sorry. But I won't do this again. Not this way, hurts too damn much." He stood up and
tucked himself in, pulling up his zipper.


"What?" Buffy looked confused.

"I want to make love to you more then anything in the world. I haven't seen you for ten bloody years and I just want
to fall right back into your bed and forget that you don't care enough to admit you even have feelings for me.
Can't do it, Buffy. Won't do it. This was a mistake." He ran a hand through his hair and walked towards the
front door.

"Spike, wait!" Buffy stood suddenly, it was now or never - could she do it?

He turned sharply, "What?"

"I love you." She said the words softly.

He walked towards her, "What did you say?"

"I said I love you." She said the words louder this time with conviction.

"It took you this long to figure that out?" He shook his head and sighed.

"No, I've known for about ten years now." She replied chewing on he bottom lip.

"Why didn't you try to find me?" He asked his voice touched with anger.

"I couldn't - I was scared, stupid. I don't know, but I do love you." She winced at the pained look on his face,
"I'm so sorry that I couldn't say it before."

"Do you mean it? I mean are you willing to go public with it? Xander isn't going to make it easy even all
these years later and Giles? " He took a step closer to her and touched her arm.

"Yes - I'll go call him now if you want. But please do not leave me tonight." She pleaded with him at this very
moment she meant it, she would do whatever he wanted her to do.

"Just tonight?" He looked at her unsure.

"Tonight, tomorrow night and every night after that. Stay here..........with me." She leaned against his
hard chest and breathed in his familiar and comforting scent.

---

Spike's thoughts told him to slow down, she wasn't thinking clearly, it would be a repeat of ten years ago
in the morning. But his emotions and his body screamed STAY. He pulled her close to him and kissed
her hard on the lips. She gave back as good as she got, winding her hands in his hair as she returned his
hard kisses. He picked her up as he stood ever so carefully, grunting one word, "Bedroom?"

She pulled away from him long enough to point down the hallway, "First door on the left."

In mere seconds he had reached his destination. The room was simple, decorated mainly with pretty framed
photos of her family and friends. The bed was inviting with a cozy quilt and muslin bedskirt covered in pillows
of every shape and size, a threadbare Mr. Gordo peeked out from the pillows. Spike held back a laugh as he
gently lay Buffy down on the bed and moved the small stuffed pig to the dresser, turning back to her with one arm he
scooted all of the extra pillows to the floor.

She smiled at him from the bed and beckoned him towards her with her index finger. He quickly joined her on
the bed running his hand under her blouse and revelling in the warmth he found there. She smiled sweetly as
she began ot slowly unbutton his shirt, he removed his hands from her warmth long enough to tangle with hers
as he tried to unbutton her blouse too. They giggled at the awkwardness, then kissed again. Soon both were
fully undressed lying side by side, taking the other in. Buffy suddenly became shy, "I'm older now, so I look a little
different."

He kissed the tip of her nose, "You." He kissed her forehead. "look." He landed on he lips again, "Beautiful."

He proved to her just how beautiful she was to him and how much she meant to him over and over again, until
both were too exhausted to speak and had fallen asleep with satisfied smiles on their faces. He woke at
noon to find her still curled against him, smiling as she watched him sleep, the postcard he had
sent her curled in her hand.. "Good morning." She leaned over and kissed him softly.

"Morning." He nodded towards the card, "Something interesting in that card?" He smirked.

"Well yeah, I was just rereading it and the answer is yes." She grinned at him.

"Answer to what?" He sat up and put his arm around her shoulder.

"I think you are definitely still welcome." She giggled as he rolled his eyes at her, "I have to go to work now,
I called this morning and said I would be late." She stood up and went towards the bathroom, "You can stay here.
Dawn invited me for dinner tonight, do you want to go?"

"Sure, that would be great. I was planning on seeing Niblet and whats his name tonight anyway." Spike stood
and began to look for his clothes.

"His name is Jordan you know that and you can see Will too!" She called from the bathroom as she turned on
the water.

"Will?" Spike asked as he made his way to the bathroom.

"Yeah, Dawn's little boy, Will." Buffy stepped into the shower.

"Dawn has a little boy?" He asked through the shower curtain.

Buffy peeked around the curtain her hair soapy with shampoo, "Didn't you know? Will is about 18 months old.
Smart little guy and guess who he is named after?"

"Will is short for..........William?" Spike's mouth dropped open, "She named him after me?"

"Yes, and me. William Andrew, Andrew was as close to Anne as she could get. He's adorable." Buffy
went back to her shower as Spike left the bathroom to find the rest of his clothes and find something to
eat even if it was of the non corpuscular variety.

Buffy found him in the kitchen eating a bowl of Fruit loops and a glass of orange juice. She kissed him
soundly before she left, "I'll be home by five."

&&&&&&&&

Spike spent the day watching tv and looking at the books on Buffy's shelves, He was the happiest he had been in
years. When Buffy came home they would go to Dawn's and let them know about them - they would truly be a
couple then. He had a goofy grin on his face at the thought of finally having her.


Buffy entered the bookshop with a goofy grin of her own plastered across her pretty face.

"Miss. Summers you look nice today." Albert commented as she unlocked her small office.

"Thanks Albert!" Buffy replied as she sat down to look over her inventory books. In a few short hours
she would be able to go home and be with Spike again. She leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes
letting the memories of last night wash over her.

She and Spike would go to Dawn's tonight and they would...........wait maybe it wasn't such a good idea to spring
this on Dawn like this....she was gonna find it odd that all of a sudden they were together she was gonna ask questions
about the past. Questions Buffy wasn't sure she wanted to answer, did she want Dawn to know how badly she
had hurt Spike back then? Suddenly her stomach was full of big butterflies - no not butterflies - ugly moths thats
what must be fluttering in her stomach.


The day was soon over and Buffy went home feeling a mixture of excitement and dread. Spike wasn't going to
like keeping this from Dawn. She unlocked the front door and found him sitting on the couch looking at a
photo album. It had pictures of Dawn and Jordan and Will in it along with the old Scooby Gang.

"Wow, the gang still looks good! And Dawn's little one is a handsome little tyke." Spike told her as she
sat down next to him. "Can't wait to see him. Can't wait to see Niblet either, so much to tell her." He whispered
into her neck as he ran light kisses up and down her throat.

"Ummmm....about that Spike. I mean I am not ashamed of us - I'm not." Buffy started then stopped when
she saw the hurt in his eyes.

"But?" He asked softly. Here it comes....Spike you foolish idiot, she's had time to think about it.

"But, I don't know if we should throw this all at her at once. She's gonna aske questions about the past." Buffy
averted her eyes from his hurt gaze.

"So, we tell her what happened, we tell her you were scared and I wasn't brave enough to wait around for you."
Spike replied matter of factly.

"I'm not sure I want her to know everything." Buffy murmered softly.

'You know what, fine. We'll go together tonight as friendly Buffy and Spike." He stood up and reached for his
duster. "Are you ready, lets get this over with."

"Spike, I don't want you angry." Buffy stood and walked with him to the door.

"I'm not angry." He said soflty with resignation in his voice.

The drive to Dawn's house was a quiet one. Dawn answered the door in shock, "You came together?" She
grinned brightly as she ushered them into the house.


Buffy turned to Spike and pleaded with her eyes, Spike spoke first. "Buffy saw me walking and picked me up.
it was quite a surprise for both of us." He turned to see Buffy sighing with relief a smile sent his way.

"Yeah, couldn't believe it was Spike, but here he is - same hair, same duster." She walked into the living
room and sat down beside Will on the couch.

Spike stood in the living room awkardly as Jordan said hello and took his coat. Dawn picked up her son
and carried him over to Spike. "This is your namesake, William Andrew." The little boy reached over and touched
Spike's nose, he giggled when Spike wrinkled it at him.

"I'm not sure what to say, Niblet. He's beautiful." Spike ran his hand through the chubby toddlers dark hair and
sat down beside Buffy on the couch.


After a good dinner and lots of catching up Buffy offered to get the coffee from the kitchen while Dawn and
Jordan put Will to bed. Spike joined her in the kitchen. "So when do you think she'll be ready to know, Buffy?"
l
"I don't know, Spike.Soon." She busied herself with the cups and saucers.

"Buffy....." Spike put his hand on her arm and turned her towards him, "I don't want to hide."

"I don't either." She reassured him as she poured the coffee into the cups. When she was done pouring,
she reached for him and pulled him into a passionate kiss - full of longing and full of promise of things to come.
He returned the kiss greedily enjoying every moment of it - until she jerked away suddently at the sound of
someone entering the kitchen.

"He's all tucked in. Need some help?" Dawn asked the couple in the kitchen.

"No, we're okay. I'm gonna raid your cookie stash and we'll be in with the coffee in a minute." Buffy smiled
brightly at her younger sister.

"Okay." Dawn turned and left them alone in the kitchen again.

"So is this what you want Buffy? Do you just want to sneak around forever, forbidden kisses in the kitchen?
Maybe a bit of necking in the closet? I don't want that! I want you out in the open. Tell you what - I'm gonna go
now - I'll see you in another ten years - we can have an anniversary shag!"

"Spike! That's not fair." Buffy's eyes were filling with tears.

He was not gonna let her get to him. "How many decades you think we have to look forward to? Huh Slayer
how many anninversary shags before some one sneaks in and has his good day." The words sounded
harsh to him as he spit them out at her.


The look on her face broke his heart, she sat down the tray and went to the back door, "Tell Dawn I had to go,
tell her I had to patrol or something." She was out the door before he could get his snappy comeback out.

"I didn't mean it, Buffy. I didn't mean it." He spoke to closing door.

Dawn entered the kitchen her face the picture of worry, "Where is Buffy?"

"She left."

":Where did she go,Spike? What happened?"

"Said something about patrol." Spike answered and he sounded lame even to himself.

"What happened Spike? And I don't mean just now, I mean what happened between you two all those
years ago. It's time someone told the truth." Dawn stared at him with what Buffy would call Willow's resolve
face.

He slumped against the counter, "You think she'll be okay out there?"

"She'll be fine, she can take care of herself, she's been doing in a long time now." Dawn sighed, "Now,
I want to hear the whole story."

"Better find a comfy seat, Lil bit cause this is a doozy of a story." Spike followed Dawn back into the living room.

Part 2:

Dawn sat down on the couch as Jordan entered the room. "Dawn, I hate to do this,
but I'm gonna say my goodnights. I have to be at work early in the morning."

"I understand, sweetie. Buffy had to leave and Spike and I are just gonna play
some more catch up." Dawn smiled at her husband.

Jordan kissed her forehead, "You can fill me in later." He whispered before
he extended his hand to Spike, "Nice seeing you again, Spike. Goodnight."

"Same to you, Jordan. You're doing a good job of taking care of Niblet and the
little niblet too." Spike shook Jordans hand. "He's a good man, Dawn."

"Yes, he really is. Much more understanding then I deserve sometimes." She
replied with a smile. "Now I believe you have a story to tell me."

Spike took a deep breath and shook his head to clear his thoughts. "Okay, you know
enough about Buffy and I to know I've loved her for a long time now."

"Yes, I knew that. So you still love her then?"

"Well of course, I'm always gonna love her." Spike answered as if it had been the
stupidest question ever asked of him.

Dawn giggled slightly, reminding him of Buffy's giggle, "I just wanted to make sure
the two of you didn't argue because you had a new Vampire woman hidden
away."

He glared at her with mock irritation as he continued, "No, I mean I tried to find
someone else but it never worked. Anyway after Buffy came back........you know
she was different, confused and very unsure of who or what she was exactly."

"I remember, it was hard on all of us, but especially Buffy. She kind of pulled
away from us. I know this is stupid but I remember being glad that she seemed
to connect with you but also jealous that she didn't feel she could confide in me."
Dawn explained with a sigh. "I knew you two were getting closer. Since I was
a romantic teenager, I even imagined that the two of you were involved in a secret
torrid affair. But when you left so suddenly I knew that couldn't be true."

Spike looked at her with sad eyes, "Why did you think that couldn't be true?"

"Well I think I know you and if you and Buffy were involved you would have never
left her. All the other guys in her life left her, but I just know you wouldn't have. So
I have to imagine it was something terribly tragic that made you leave. And since
Buffy was never talkative about it - I'm asking you. Why did you really leave?"


Her words hit home hard, he had left her, left her just like the others. In his own
way he had been as selfish as Angel - he just couldn't bear to be around her
anymore. "Dawn, it was just that I realized I didn't have a chance with her and
decided I should leave."

Dawn shook her head and rolled her eyes, "I'm not buying that Spike. You always
felt you didn't have a chance - you told me that yourself on more then one occasion.
There had to be a catalyst - something that made you just have to go. What
happened? I'm old enough to know the truth."

"I guess you are Niblet, but you probably won't like it." Spike leaned his head against
the back of the couch. He cut his eyes towards Dawn next to him, "We did have
that torrid affair, Dawn."

Dawn sat straight up now, "What?" She exclaimed loudly, then quickly put her
hand over her mouth afraid she had woke Will. She listened for a moment but no
sound came and she realized she was safe, lowering her voice she leaned
towards the vampire, "You and Buffy.....you ....you had sex?"

"Yes, we did many times over several months." Spike answered with nod of his
head. "Everytime I turned around , in my crypt, in the alleys,
in the walk in refrigerator of that stupid fast food place she worked at, in the
bathroom at the Bronze. The training room at the Magic shop, oh and the new
couch she bought after your Mom died and also the kitchen island and the
basement too. The Jeep and the Desoto. You name it, Buffy and Spike christened
it." He finished with a smile and a sigh at some of those memories.

****
"Here? You want to here?" He asked with surprised look on his face.

"Yeah, what the big bad vampire scared?" She chided him in a breathy voice.

"But the others are out there in the shop. Xander could walk in." He argued even
as she began to strip his tee shirt off and threw him on the mat unzipping the
fly of his levi's as she descended on him. Her hands were everywhere as she
kissed him and touched him in all the right places, stopping for a breath, she
pulled off her own shirt and led his hand to her breast. Smiling and moaning as
he massaged them. "So I do get to play then?" He asked with a grin.

"Of course. We are each other's great big teddy bears." She whispered into his
ear as she descended upon him again.

He tried to laugh at her joke but instead he found himself trying not to think about
the truth of her words. He *was* just a big teddy bear to her, the one she held on
when she needed comfort, the one she whispered her dark secrets to in the night.

"Hey why so serious?" Buffy asked as she moved against him.

"Nothing, baby. Nothing." He closed his eyes and met her movements with his own.

After they lay together on the mat covered with only with thier discarded clothes.
Buffy grinned at him and kissed his cheek, "Xander didn't walk in." She teased
him.

"No, not yet. But I better go." Spike had kissed her forehead and stood gathering
his clothes. He couldn't do this right now, the sweet banter in the afterglow seemed
be sour when you knew the other person wouldn't let themself feel the same
about you.

She frowned and stood next to him pulling on her clothes also, "You okay?"

"Oh yeah, peachy.But I need to go..now." He gave her a small salute and
walked towards the door.

"Spike?" She asked as she lay a hand on his shoulder turning him to face her.
"What is it?'

He shook his head, "I love you."

She had that trapped look in her eyes as she chewed furiously on her bottom lip, "I ........I don't know what you want me
to say."

"Sure you do, you just won't allow yourself to say it. I'll see you later - for patrol."
He had touched her cheek and then left.

*******
&&&&&&
Dawn's eyes got bigger as she listened to Spike, "Okay, enough with the details,
Spike. "

Her words shook off the memory and Spike turned to face her, "Sorry little bit,
those are some of worst and best memories."

"Okay so you and my sister had a intimate relationship. So why did you leave?"
She demanded.

"Well, we kept having these secret little encounters and they got too hard for me.
I loved her and I *know* she had feelings for me. But she would not admit it,
she always had an excuse and I couldn't make love to her anymore without some
affirmation from her." Spike tried his best to explain.

"So why didn't you stick around and just tell her 'no more' till
you admit how you feel?"


"Because if I had stayed I would have never been able to deny her, "willing slave"
and all that rot. I couldn't say no to her. Obviously I still can't." He closed his
eyes and banged his head against the couch again.

"What exactly does that mean?" Dawn asked suspiciously, "Buffy didn't just
see you and pick you up tonight did she?"

"No, I went to see her last night. I knew it was a bad idea, started out nice
and friendly.........ended even friendlier." Spike sighed.

"Last night? You two?" Dawn shook her head and closed her eyes. After a minute
she reopened them, "I don't need any more imagery Spike. What are you going
to do about this?"

"I'm gonna kiss your forehead, say goodbye and visit again in a couple of years."
He stood up and leaned to kiss her forehead.

Dawn raised her hand to stop him, "You are not leaving this time until you make her
see."

"Dawn, I've tried."

"Well you are gonna keep on trying, unless of course you just aren't that serious
about her anymore." Dawn egged him on.

"Not care? Hell this is how serious I was then -" He picked up his duster from the
back of a chair and rummaged throught the pockets. pulling out a small velvet box
he thrust it at Dawn, "if I wasn't still serious would I still be carrying this around?"

Dawn took the box from his hand and opened it revealing an old fashioned
diamond engagement ring, a large diamond sat in the intricate lacy setting.
"This is beautiful, Spike. You wanted to marry - you still want to marry Buffy?"

He wiped at his eyes and regained his composure. "I love her Dawn. I aways will,
that" he nodded at the ring, "was a stupid foolish dream."

Dawn closed the box and handed the ring back to Spike, "I don't think it was
stupid or foolish. I think my sister and you have been a little of both through the
years. But I think there is a chance."

"I don't know about that." He answered solemnly.

"Would you stay in town a couple more days? Xander and Anya are coming
into town day after tomorrow for a surprise visit, they are staying here, but Buffy
doesn't know. Why don't you at least stick around and say hello."

"Dawn it's not like I was that close to them." Spike tried to reason with her.

"Please, for me?" She asked softly and gave him her impression of Buffy's pout.

"Oh bloody hell, I'll stay." He conceded wondering why those Summers women
all had the ability to turn his resolve to mush.


Buffy angrily stomped her way through three cemetaries and found nothing to slay.
How dare he? He comes back after ten years and thinks that he can just...just..
make her heart do flip flops, make her want him even more. He had been so
sweet last night, so eager to please her while they made love. His whispered endearments still
rang in her ears, "I missed you so much, I love you" over and over again. She
closed her eyes and leaned against the door of her apartment, she could still
feel his strong but gentle hands all over her body.

"You okay, Ms. Summers?" Barney the security guard interupted her thoughts.

"Oh, I'm fine. Just tired. Goodnight." Buffy unlocked the door to her apartment and
waved at him. She found her way to her comfy chair and plopped down in it.
How had she let the perfection of last night turn into the nightmare of tonight?
She loved him - she really did! And she wanted to be with him - why did she let
what everyone else thought get in her way?

She had lost her chance she was sure of it, he would never come back now. And
who could blame him - he must feel so used. This time - this time she had to
fight for him. Maybe he hadn't left? Maybe Dawn knew where he was? She picked
up her phone and dialed her sister's number.

&&&
"Spike, make sure you call me from the hotel so I know how to reach you and
try not to worry." Dawn told him as she closed the front door.

"Okay, Niblet. I'll let you know where I'm staying." He sighed as he turned down
the walk. "I can guarantee it won't be as nice as the place I stayed last night." He
grumbled out loud as he walked back to Buffy's to get his car.

Dawn caught the phone as she started to bed. "Hello?"

"Dawn it's me. Umm....I'm sorry I had to leave earlier. You don't know where
Spike is do you?" Buffy tried to sound nonchalant.

"Buffy, he just left and I'm not sure where he is staying." Dawn thought maybe
her sister should stew a bit.

"Oh. Well I just wondered." Buffy said trying to sound chipper.

Dawn decided to take pity on her, "Buffy, he's supposed to let me know where
he is staying. I'll let you know tomorrow okay?"

Buffy brightened a bit at the news that he was still in town, "Thanks, Dawn. I
appreciate. Goodnight." She hung up the phone and went to get ready for
bed. This time, this time I'm going to make it right was her last thought as she
drifted to sleep her nose buried in the pillow Spike had used the night before.


TBC


Part 3:

Spike grouched to himself as he got into his car. He sat for several moments
staring at Buffy's apartment building. He had a good mind to march up to her
door, break it down and somehow force her to make her feelings public. Granted
she had told him she loved him and that meant the world to him, but what good was
it if she could only love him when they were alone. No, he would wait give her
a bit of time. He leaned his head against the steering wheel and remembered
a time long ago - in car.
***
"I'm so sick of this. They won't give me a minutes peace, 'You okay, Buffy',
'You alright, Buffy', 'How are you feeling, Buffy?" Buffy got into the Desoto and
slammed her door shut, "Let's patrol...NOW."

Spike had to stifle a grin, he understood her irritation with the Scoobs, yet he
also understand their worries about Buffy too. "They are just worried about
you, it's understandable."

"It's annoying is what it is. Like I'm a little child that they want to keep away from
the scissors. I know they care but really it's just getting to be too much." She sighed
as she stared out the window.

"Any particular place you want to patrol?" He asked as he started the car.

She thought for a moment before an evil smile crossed her lips. "Yeah, remember
that place in the woods where we found Dawn and that vamp parking?"

He turned to her and raised a scarred eyebrow, "You want to patrol there?"

"Yes, maybe thats a good vamp parking place - you never know." She nodded
her head as he turned down the narrow road leading to the notorious parking
spot.

He stopped the car and started to open his door, before he could do that she
was on him, fast as lightning she pulled his seat lever reclining his seat as far
back as it could go. She sat straddled his lap with a look of pure lust on her pretty
face.

"Uh...I thought we were gonna patrol, Luv." He struggled for the words as she
planted hot kisses all over his neck.

"Do you see any vamps?" She looked up and asked with a seductive smile.

"Well...no." He answered with a groan as her warm mouth met his own.

"Then relax, we might as well enjoy ourselves while we are here." She murmured
against him.

Enjoy themselves they did - many times over.
*****
&&&
Spike shook his head as he started the car and went in search of a hotel. He
found one not too far from Buffy's place and made a mental note to call Dawn
with the number in the morning. He settled into the bed and tried not to notice
how empty it seemed without Buffy beside. One night in ten years and he was
gone all over again. This time,maybe this time they could find a way?

&&&
The next morning Buffy was up before her alarm went off. It was 7am - too early
to call Dawn. She probably hadn't even heard from Spike yet. She went into
work and busied herself until lunchtime. Maybe she would go see her sister for
lunch? She grabbed her purse and keys and told Albert she would see him later.


Dawn was making cookies when the phone rang. She answered the phone
her voice muffled with a chocolate chip cookie. "MMghhh,,,Hello."

"Little Bit it's me. . you okay?"

Dawn swallowed and answered, "I'm making cookies, I had to sample them.
Chocolate chip."

"Red's recipe?" Spike asked at the memory of Willow's guilt cookies after the
boggled engagement spell all those years ago.

"Yep." Dawn smiled.

"Well I just wanted you to know, I'm at the Sunnydale Shores Hotel." He gave
her the number.

"Okay, Xander will be here tomorrow. I'm having Buffy over at 6, I want you here
too."

"Dawn, I'm really not sure about this." He replied uneasily.

"Do you love her? Do you really want to be with her?" Dawn asked her patience
running thin with the vampire and her older sister.

"Of course!" He exclaimed into the phone, "And I know she loves me - she just
doesn't want anyone else to know!"

"Just be here at 6."

"Fine, I"ll be there tomorrow night, 6 o'clock." He hung up the phone and
crawled back into the bed.

Dawn hung up the phone in time to answer the doorbell. She checked on
Will as she walked through the living room he was watching Sesame Street
and getting sleepy after his lunch. She was surprised to see Buffy at her front door. "Come in
"Come on in. I'm baking cookies." Dawn ushered her into the kitchen noticing that
Will had given into sleep and was napping on the rug with his stuffed dog clutched
next to him.

"I thought I'd drop by and apologize in person for leaving last night." Buffy told
Dawn as she took an offered cookie.

"Umm....Wil's recipe?" She asked as she poured herself a glass of milk.

"Uh huh. I thought maybe you had come by to get the number where Spike is at?"
Dawn asked with a smile.

"Well, I just kind of wondered if he was in town still." Buffy lowered her eyes
away from her sisters.

"He is, he's at the Sunnydale Shores. Room 321."

"Oh, okay." Buffy smiled and shook her head.

"So are you going to go tell him your tired of being scared and worried and
you want to be with him no matter what?" Dawn asked seriously.

Buffy's eyes grew wide with surprise, "How did you.........how did you know about
that?"

"Buffy - even as a teenager I suspected that a lot more happened between you and
Spike. After you left last night, I forced the truth out of him." Dawn put her arm
around her sisters shoulder, "You need him, Buffy. It doesn't matter what anyone
thinks."

"Well some people are going to be very unhappy. Giles will accept it grudgingly,
but Xander will guilt me about it. I know he'll bring up the Angel thing and I don't
want to dissappoint my friends again." Buffy sighed as she finished her cookie.

"Buffy, I'm your family and I accept Spike. And if you want to get down to the nitty
gritty it's not Giles or Xander who is going to be there on those cold lonely nights
for you. You already know Spike will be, if you let him." Dawn went back to her
cookie dough before adding, "He's evidently kept you warm before." She giggled
at the look on Buffy's face.

"How much did he tell you?" Buffy asked embarrassed.

"Enough for me to know that I'm getting rid of the couch from the old house that I
have in my den. I can never look at it again, without disturbing images of you
and......."

"Okay, okay." Buffy interrupted Dawn before she could say more.

Dawn had to get in one more jab, "I mean it, Buffy. I was just a kid and I sat
on that couch!"

"I'm leaving now Dawn." Buffy put her fingers in her ears, "Not listening."

"Are you going to see Spike?" Dawn asked as she saw Buffy to the door.

"Probably - later tonight. We have lots to talk about."

"Good." Dawn waved at her sister as she drove away.

&&&&
Buffy managed to get through the rest of the workday without making any major
mistakes. Her thoughts were filled with Spike and for some reason that old couch
in Dawn's den. She giggled out loud as she remembered.

****

"Do you like it?" Buffy asked as she picked up a pillow and fluffed it.

"It's a sofa, pet. What's to like or dislike?" Spike replied as he sat down on
the newly acquired couch.

"The color - silly or if it's comfortable to sit on or not." She sat down beside him.
"I think it's pretty comfortable to sit on."

He grinned at her and asked innocently, "Is anyone else here?"

"No, everyone is gone for the night. Willow went to her Grandmother's and Dawn
is at Melinda's house."

"Well in that case I think we should test it's comfort out. I mean we can tell it's comfy
sitting up." He patted the cushion before taking her in his arms and laying her beneath
him, "But what about when you're lying down?" He began to nibble on her earlobe.

"I see what you mean." She giggled softly as she let him move down to her
neck and collarbone. "So far it seems comfy lying down too."

"Thats laying still though, what if you move in your sleep?" He looked up and
winked at her.

"Like this, maybe?" She arched against him.

"Yeah, baby. Just like that."

*****
Albert startled Buffy back to reality, "Miss. Summers , I'm on my way out, do
you need anything before I go?"

"A cold shower" Buffy mumbled to herself.

"Pardon me?" Albert asked with a confused look.

"Nothing, I'm fine, Albert. Goodnight." Buffy looked at the clock it was six thirty and
she wanted to change before she went to see Spike.

&&&&&

It was seven o'clock and Spike was suffering from cabin fever. He had decided
he needed to get out relax, have a drink maybe. Tomorrow he was going to have
to face Buffy, better make that a couple of drinks.

Willy's Bar was crowded Spike noticed as he walked up to the bar. "Business
is good, Willy."

"Yeah its my new gimmick. Singles night, young lonely demons and such can
come here get discounted drinks and find true love thanks to ole Willy."
Willy explained as he poured Spike's drink.

"And you do this out of the kindess of your heart?"

"Well they pay a small fee and I make sure they have a good time and meet
lots of other singles. Kind of like a dating service for them. You interested -
I think I could find lots of women who would like to hook up with a goodlooking
vamp like yourself." Willy winked at Spike.

"No thanks." Spike shook his head, "I will have another drink though."

"Well if you change your mind," Willy shrugged as he refilled Spike's glass.

"Not likely." Spike muttered to himself.

He didn't notice the tall leggy redhead across the room eyeing him.


TBC

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