Chapter 12 – Blood and Tears


Nervously walking toward the cemetery, Buffy couldn’t get that dream out of
her head. She could practically still feel Spike’s lips on hers. She could
feel the excitement rushing through her when she thought of him kissing her
neck.

So lost in thought, Buffy nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt a hand
on her arm. She subconsciously knew that it was Spike since her Slayer
senses weren’t going off, but she could still feel her heart racing in her
chest.

Spike slowly turned her around to face him, his eyes narrowing when he heard
the thumping of her heart and saw her flushed face.

“You alright, Slayer?” he asked, tilting his head to look at her.

Buffy took a few steadying breaths before nodding.

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah,” Buffy finally responded in a soft voice, trying not to focus on the
tingling sensation that was sweeping over her skin as a result of his hand
still on her arm. “I’m fine.”

Spike didn’t believe her but decided not to push the subject. She would
tell him if she wanted to. His mind briefly flashed to the dream, but he
focused on his surroundings, not wanting to remember how real her body felt
beneath his.

Buffy began walking, and Spike could see the rigid way she was holding
herself. Her shoulders were tense, and her arms were crossed in front of her
chest as if she was trying to mentally ward off something.

“How’s Harmony?”

Turning toward her, Buffy noticed that Spike’s eyes had widened at the
question.

“She’s…she’s fine,” he replied skeptically.

“Are you two…back together?” Buffy asked, a hint of trepidation in her
voice.

“No,” Spike said, studying her eyes. “Not yet.”

“Not yet?”

She could practically feel her heart sinking in her chest.

‘Riley…must think of Riley…stealthy boyfriend guy who is lying in a hospital
bed.’

“Jealous, Slayer?” Spike teased, biting his bottom lip as he studied her.

“No,” she replied too quickly and with too much indignation. “I just…I just
think you can do better.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes, that’s so,” Buffy said with a nod. “Not that she and Drusilla were
the models for the perfect girlfriends, but-“

“Keep quiet about Dru,” Spike interrupted, his jaw tense.

Buffy’s eyes widened in surprise. She could feel the anger rolling off of
him in waves, and it only served to fuel her own.

“Why should I?” she asked, turning toward him, her arms still crossed over
her chest. “It’s not my fault that she up and left.”

“You’re treading on thin ice, Slayer.”

“Why do you even care anymore, Spike? It’s been two years- get over it.”

“Just like you’re over Angel?” he countered, taking a step closer to her,
his eyes flashing. “Dru and I were together for over a century- you and
Peaches were together a few years, and he ‘up and left’. So what does that
tell you?”

Buffy’s face seemed to close off as she stared at the vampire.

‘He’s right,’ she thought sadly. ‘Angel couldn’t even stand to be around me
for a few years. Drusilla and Spike were together for over one hundred years and…’

Buffy forced her train of thought to stop when she noticed the smug
expression on Spike’s face. She wanted nothing more than to get away from
him. “It’s not my fault your girlfriends are such vapid whores.”

Not bothering to wait for his reaction, Buffy turned and began walking
through the cemetery, fighting the tears in her eyes. She stretched out her
senses after a few minutes, trying to find Spike and realizing he wasn’t following her.

Coming to a stop next to a mausoleum, she took a deep breath, her chin
trembling as she leaned against the cold stone. Unable to fight it anymore,
her hands traveled up to her face, muffling the sobs that erupted.

Letting her legs practically collapse under her weight, she slid down the
wall, burying her face in her knees and letting her body shake with the
agony that she would never be enough for anybody.

* * * * *

Spike watched her walk away, clenching his jaw as she disappeared. He knew
that she was trying to be hurtful and succeeded with what she said, but
he was still feeling guilty.

‘You’re a vampire- you’re not supposed to feel guilty,’ he lectured himself.

Nevertheless, he couldn’t let her wander through a cemetery when she
couldn’t hear where her enemies might be.

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Spike started walking in the
direction she had gone. His mind kept turning over the conversation, and he
felt his heart dropping with every memory.

What she’d said to him was meant to be hurtful, but it was true. His retort
about Angel leaving her made Spike’s heart clench. He hated his poncey
Grandsire, but he knew that Angel never would have left Buffy if it wasn’t
for the curse.

Following her scent, Spike looked around and listened closely. He could
hear sobs nearby, and his heart felt like it was breaking apart, piece by
piece. Taking a deep breath, Spike walked around a crypt and saw her in the
distance. Her body shaking with the force of her tears and her arms wrapped
tightly around her legs, almost burrowing into herself.

Watching her for a long moment, Spike closed his eyes, trying to figure out
the best way to approach her as he swallowed the lump in his throat. His
eyes snapped open when he heard a growl, and he immediately began running
when he saw two vampires attacking Buffy.

With a burst of speed, Spike made it over to her and flung one of the
vampires into the wall of the mausoleum, spinning around and kicking the
other one in the stomach.

Buffy lay on the ground, gasping for breath. Spike’s eyes widened when the
intoxicating smell of her blood floated toward him.

“Buffy-“

Landing with a thud, Spike growled at the vampire who was trying to attack
him. With a roar, he grabbed both sides of the vampire’s head and ripped it
clean off. Letting the dust settle around him, he noticed Buffy on her feet,
battling the remaining vamp.

The look of satisfaction on her face when she staked him nearly brought a
smile to Spike’s face until he remembered she was bleeding.

“Where are you hurt?” he asked, running over to her.

“It’s nothing,” she said softly, pushing him away. “Just a scratch.”

“Buffy, you’re bleeding,” Spike said, turning her to face him so she could
see what he was saying. He saw the tears that were still in her eyes and
his expression softened. Gently brushing her hair out of her eyes, he gave
her a soft smile. “I didn’t mean it,” he whispered.

“Doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

“Believe me when I say no one would leave you unless they absolutely had to,
luv.”

Buffy took a deep breath, giving him a small smile. “About what I said…”

“It’s all true,” Spike replied, his eyes already on her body, his senses
stretching out to find where she was injured. “Where are you hurt?” he
asked again.

Buffy swept her hair away from her neck, and Spike growled when he saw the
cut. It wasn’t a bite, but the blood pooled from the small cut, and the
ambrosia was practically calling to him.

The bloodlust building up in Spike’s eyes was obvious as Buffy stared at him.
His lips parted as if he was already savoring the taste. She found herself
unconsciously leaning toward him, feeling the same pull toward him that he
was feeling toward her. He seemed to snap out of it a moment later, looking
into Buffy’s eyes. He suddenly realized how close he came to losing her.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, moving toward her.

“It was my fault,” Buffy said, shaking her head. “I shouldn’t have brought
it up and turned it into such a petty argument-“

Buffy was cut off when she felt Spike’s arms wrap around her in a crushing
hold. “I almost lost you tonight, pet,” he whispered, so overcome with
emotions that he wasn’t used to, he didn’t even realize that he wasn’t
looking at her. Buffy gasped when she, once again, understood what he was
saying without looking at him.

“I’m fine,” she murmured, letting her hands travel up to wrap around his
neck. “I’m here and I’m fine. It takes a lot more than a couple of stupid
fledglings to kill me.”

Spike didn’t say anything as he held her. He didn’t know what he was
feeling for the young woman, but he did know the connection with her was
stronger than he’d ever felt with anyone.

It wasn’t love- it was something stronger…he just didn’t realize it yet.




Chapter 13 – Blind Ambition


“Is this really necessary?” Buffy asked skeptically, watching Spike and
Giles move around the training room of the Magic Box.

“Yes,” they replied simultaneously.

“Why?” she asked, putting an appropriate amount of whining into her voice to
get the point across.

“Because Spike told me about the close call last night, and we both feel you
need a little more work,” Giles said.

Both men watched as a pout grew on Buffy’s lower lip before she turned to
Spike. “Traitor,” she muttered halfheartedly.

“Sorry, luv, but I’m not taking anymore risks with you,” Spike replied,
walking toward her with a blindfold.

Buffy felt a tremor of fear go through her at the idea of being deaf and
blind before Spike gave her a soft smile of reassurance. “You’re safe,” he
said, looking into her eyes. “We’re just going to work on your other
senses.”

“But it’s not like it will help. We don’t have any chained up vampires that
we can use, and I always know when you’re close by.”

Giles raised an eyebrow as Spike smiled with pride. “True, but you’re not
getting out of this.”

With a heavy sigh, Buffy nodded her agreement. Spike slowly moved behind
her, slipping the blindfold over her eyes and knotting it. He could hear
her heartbeat pick up and lightly ran his hand over her back to assure her
that everything was alright before moving to stand in front of her.

“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing,” Buffy said, turning her head
from side to side as if she was searching for them in the darkness.
“You’re just doing this so you can take funny pictures of me.”

Spike smiled, gently running his hand along her cheek. His smile broadened
when she leaned into the caress, a move that did not go unnoticed by Giles.

Letting his hand travel down her arm, Spike squeezed her hand, signaling
that they were ready.

Buffy took a steadying breath, instantly knowing when Spike moved away from
her. Her heartbeat increased when she felt his demon emerge. Turning in a
circle, she didn’t realize when she closed her eyes against the blindfold,
tuning into him.

“How’s she doing?” Giles asked as Spike walked around the Slayer in a
circle.

“She’s adjusting,” Spike replied, feeling a little strange that they were
talking about a woman who was standing no more than five feet away.

“Is she in danger if she goes out alone?”

Taking a moment to stop and shoot the Watcher a glare, Spike replied, “She’s
standing in front of me in a blindfold because of last night’s patrol. What
do you think?”

Giles nodded, watching as Buffy seemed to adjust and slowly move toward
Spike. The blonde smiled as he moved away, leading her in a circle.

“Attack her.”

Spinning around to face Giles, Spike looked at him in disbelief. “Are you
insane?”

“Don’t hurt her, Spike. Just let her know what it would be like to fight
blind.”

“She’s not just blind, Rupes. She’s deaf, in case you forgot.”

“Exactly,” Giles replied. “Which is precisely the reason I want you to do
this. I’m trying to keep her alive, Spike. And somewhere, deep down, I know
that’s what you want as well.”

“Not deep down,” Spike muttered.

“What was that?”

“I said, it’s not deep down,” he repeated, looking the other man in the eye.
“In fact, it’s pretty close to the surface.”

“What are your feelings for her?”

Spike backed away as Buffy grew more confident, picking up her speed and
walking directly toward him.

“I don’t know,” Spike replied honestly. “There’s a connection between us.”

“What kind of connection?”

“I don’t know what it is.”

Buffy whipped around, landing a kick to Spike’s side, causing him to fall
back on the mats. Springing up, Spike blocked her other moves before she
smashed her fist into his nose, sending him reeling back.

Whipping off the blindfold, Buffy glared at the two men.

“It means that I can understand him without looking at him and he should
have remembered that,” she said, throwing the blindfold at Spike and walking
out of the training room.

“Bloody hell.”

“She can understand you?”

“What did it look like?”

“Only you?”

“As far as I know,” Spike replied. “I better go find her.”

Giles nodded as Spike ran out of the room and out of the shop. He saw Buffy
down the street and jogged toward her, not surprised when she turned to face
him.

“What?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

“What did I say to make you mad?” Spike asked, stopping in front of her.

“What did you say?” Buffy asked in disbelief. “It doesn’t matter what you
said, Spike. It’s the fact that you were talking about me as if I was
invisible. The two of you were having a conversation and it’s like I wasn’t
even in the room. I thought the objective was to help me, not talk about me
behind my back. It’s like I’m nothing to you.”

Slowly approaching her, Spike made sure to keep eye contact. “I’m sorry,”
he said honestly.

Trying to hide how hurt she really was, Buffy crossed her arms over her
chest in a protective manner.

“Forgive me?” he asked with a pout that brought a brief smile to her face.

“Don’t do it again.”

“I promise.”

Buffy nodded, turning around and smiling when he fell into step with her.
“Are you walking me home?” she asked playfully.

“I figured it’s the least I can do.”

The two walked in comfortable silence until they reached her house.

“You can come in if you want to,” Buffy said. “You haven’t seen my mom in a
while, and I’m sure she’d be happy to see you.”

“Raincheck?”

“Do you have a hot date?” Buffy asked, trying to keep her tone lighthearted.

“No, Slayer,” he said with a smile. “Believe it or not, I actually just
want to go home and get some rest.” At Buffy’s confused look, he continued.
“Harmony’s not there to yap at me, so I can actually enjoy the quiet.”

Buffy laughed and nodded as Spike turned around to walk back down the path.

“Spike?”

She waited until he turned around before approaching him. Wrapping her arms
around his neck, she left a soft kiss on his cheek, smiling when he pulled
back to look at her in surprise.

“I just wanted to say thank you. You’ve had to deal with me adjusting to
the situation, and then there’s the mood swings-“

“I’ve been dealing with the mood swings for a lot longer,” he said,
chuckling when she smacked him on the shoulder.

“I was trying to be nice.”

“Thank you, luv,” he said, his voice and eyes softening as he tucked a
strand of hair behind her ear.

Buffy relaxed against his touch, leaning closer to him. “You’re the only
one I feel like I can trust.”

Tilting his head to look at her, Spikes brow furrowed in confusion. “What
about Giles?”

Buffy shrugged. “I trust him…to an extent. I just trust you more.”

Spike’s face lit up in a smile as he took Buffy’s hand, leaving a tender
kiss on it. “That means a lot, luv,” he said, watching Buffy’s smile
brighten. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Count on it.”

“Good night, pet. Tell your mum I said hello.”

“I will,” she said, waving at him and disappearing into the house as Spike
walked toward the cemetery.

Neither noticing Riley watching the entire conversation from the shadows.


 

Chapter 14 – High Stakes


Spike had just settled in for the night with a tall glass of blood in one
hand and the TV on when he heard the loud bang of the crypt door as it flew
open and smashed into the wall. If he didn’t know better, he would have
thought it was Buffy, but he would have sensed her long before she walked
through the door.

Turning around, Spike stood up and glared as Riley walked into his home.

“What do you want, Soldier Boy?” he asked with a bored expression.

Not saying a word, Riley walked up to Spike and punched him in the nose.

Reeling backward, Spike slammed into the wall with the force of the blow.

“What the fuck was that?!” he yelled, holding his hand up to try and stem
the gushing blood.

“Stay the hell away from Buffy,” Riley said in a menacing voice, his eyes
trained on the blonde.

“And if I don’t?”

“Then you’ll be on the receiving end of my stake.”

To emphasize the point, Riley slammed another punch into Spike’s jaw.

“Maybe you’re forgetting something, you berk,” Spike said, spitting a
mouthful of blood on the floor. “Her Watcher is the one who wants me to
stay close to her. If you don’t like it, you can take it up with him.”

“Why should I have to when intimidating you works so well?”

Spike’s jaw clenched as he stared at the bigger man. “You actually believe
that you intimidate me?”

“Considering I could kill you right now and you couldn’t do a damn thing
about it? I’m thinking yes.”

“That’s not intimidation, mate,” Spike growled, resisting the urge to wipe
the look off his face.

Immediately folding over when Riley’s fist impacted with his stomach, Spike
was barely able to refrain from gasping for air.

“What’s the matter?” Spike muttered. “Afraid I’m gonna steal your girl?”

“Like you could.”

“Then what are you so worried about?” he asked, straightening and gritting
his teeth against the pain in his ribs. “Do you not trust her?”

That earned Spike another punch to the stomach. “Stay away from her or I
will kill you.”

“And what am I supposed to tell the Slayer and her Watcher?”

Spike’s eyes widened a split second before the stake came crashing into his
chest, piercing his unbeating heart. Unable to do anything but groan and
weakly try and shove Riley away, he closed his eyes when the stake was
pulled out, Spike’s hand immediately covering the gaping hole.

“What the bloody hell…”

“Plastic wood-grain. Looks real, doesn't it?” Riley asked, grabbing Spike’s
shirt. “Don't think I don't know what's going on with you, Spike. Stay away
from her. Or we'll do this for real next time. Tell her about this…and I’ll
make you beg me to kill you.”

Walking out the door, Spike finally allowed the pain to settle in as his
body fell to the floor.

* * * * *

Buffy eagerly walked toward Restfield Cemetery, looking forward to
patrolling tonight. Giles had been reluctant to let her go to the graveyard
alone, but Buffy quickly assured him that she would be meeting up with Spike
and he wouldn’t let her get hurt.

Seeing his crypt in front of her, a rare smile graced her features as she
sped up her pace. She quickly knocked on the door before opening it. She
knew knocking wasn’t customary for her and it would probably surprise him,
but it felt like the right thing to do.

“Spike,” she called, walking through the door and keeping an eye on her
surroundings. She smiled when she saw him seated in his chair, watching a
tape of ‘Passions’. “Hi!” she said with a bright smile, walking around the
chair and turning to face him. She frowned when she saw the serious
expression on his face. “What’s wrong?” she asked, sitting down on the arm.

Spike looked up at her, surprised at the upbeat expression in her eyes.
“Ummm…nothing,” he said, shaking his head.

“Something,” Buffy replied with a playful smile, poking him in the shoulder.

The lighthearted teasing in her tone made this even harder. “I can’t go
patrolling with you, pet.”

Buffy frowned. Spike was facing her, and she could clearly read his lips and
understand him, but he wasn’t making eye contact, and that was starting to
worry her.

“Oh,” she said softly, obviously disappointed. He hated being the one who
caused her good mood to evaporate. “Okay…well…maybe tomorrow then?”

“I can’t patrol with you anymore, Buffy.”

Her open expression immediately dissolved, leaving the shell of the woman
who had been walking around lately. “Can I ask why?” she asked softly.

“It’s complicated,” Spike muttered.

“And you’re not going to tell me?”

“I wish I could…but I just can’t, luv.”

“I get it,” Buffy whispered, standing up and walking toward the door. She
jumped when Spike caught her by the arm, moments before she walked through
it.

“I’m sorry,” he said with remorse evident in his gaze. “I wish it could be
different.”

“So why can’t it?” she asked miserably. “Is it me? Are you just tired of
me?”

The question echoed the similar sentiment that she asked Angel after they
made love. This situation was so different, and somehow, the weight of what
he was going to say would impact her much more than anything Angelus said to
her.

“It’s not you,” he said, shaking his head. “I just can’t…be around you
anymore.”

Buffy nodded, turning around before he could see her chin quivering. “I’ll
see you around,” she said in a harsh voice.

Quickly grabbing her arm again, Spike turned her to face him. “It’s not
you,” he said in a strong voice. “I…I…” love you “…care about you,”
he said, his eyes widening when he realized what almost came out of his
mouth.

“Yeah,” Buffy said angrily. “You care. Everyone cares! Everyone
cares so much that it’s going to get me killed, and then you won’t have me to
worry about anymore.”

Before he made a move to grab her again, Buffy shoved him away, sending him
flying ten feet as she ran out of the crypt, letting the door slam behind
her.

Spike watched the door slam and tried to swallow the lump in his throat
before dropping his head into his hands.

 

Chapter 15 – Intervention


Walking through the graveyard, Xander and Willow followed close behind Buffy as she searched the area. Riley was busy that night and it was decided that Buffy needed to have someone with her when she patrolled.

The Slayer seemed to be hunting, and it was a little unnerving for her friends to watch. She had already taken out her aggression on three unsuspecting vampires and a demon, and it didn’t seem to take the edge off her at all. She still had an angry look in her eyes as she scanned, trying to tune into her remaining senses.

Seeing a vampire in the distance, her friends followed after her in concern
when Buffy took off running for it, uncaring of the potential danger she was
putting herself in.

Launching herself at the vamp, both worriedly watched the blonde as she
threw a series of strong punches and kicks, getting knocked to the ground in
the process. Struggling beneath him for a moment, Buffy managed to get in
two more hits before thrusting the stake into its unbeating heart. Dust
exploded around her, coating her skin and clothes. Panting as she sat up
and brushed herself off, Buffy barely gave her friends a second glance.

“You okay, Buff?” Xander asked when he was able to get her attention.

“Fine,” she mumbled, standing up and walking away.

Willow and Xander exchanged a look with each other. It had been a week
since Spike told her he wouldn’t be helping anymore, and this was always the
end result of Buffy’s patrols. They were starting to get very concerned
about the destructive route that the Slayer seemed to be traveling.

“Is she gonna be okay?” Xander whispered to Willow.

The redhead looked at her friend who was busy scouting the area, hoping for
another vampire.

“She’s hurting,” Willow said softly, wishing that Buffy would open up to
her. After Spike told her he wouldn’t be helping her anymore, Buffy seemed
to shut down. She wouldn’t allow anyone to get close enough to help her or
even talk to her.

Both were surprised when a vampire came out of nowhere, launching itself at
Buffy. She quickly retaliated, fighting him off as her friends stood by,
waiting to intervene if necessary.

Slamming furious punches at the vamp, Buffy attempted to take out all of her
frustration on it. Her friends were about to yell at her to stake him
before they realized that she wouldn’t be able to hear them. Willow could
see the tears streaming down Buffy’s cheeks as she pummeled the vampire, and
she felt her heart ache for her friend. It seemed like everything and
everyone she connected with was always taken away.

Tearing her eyes away from her friend, Willow made sure to scan the area.
Even if she was at top form, Buffy would never know if something was behind
her. All of her focus was on the vampire that she was beating to a bloody
pulp.

Smashing her fist into its face one last time, Buffy staked the vampire and
jumped to her feet. Without sparing her friends a glance, she continued
walking through the cemetery, her eyes scanning the surrounding area.

The tears continued to fall down her cheeks as she walked. It had only been
a week, and everything already felt too hard. She had lost the one person
who she could actually talk to. She had lost the one person who didn’t
treat her like she was too weak to still be the Slayer.

‘Not lost,’ Buffy reminded herself, trying to keep her anger close to the
surface. Anger was easier to deal with than pain. ‘You didn’t lose him,’
she thought. ‘You were abandoned by him…soul or no soul, there was
something there and it didn’t matter to him.’

She had never felt so alone.

* * * * *

Sunlight poured into the crypt as the door smashed against the wall. Spike
didn’t need to turn around to know that it was her Watcher.

“What kept you?” he muttered, taking a long drink from the whiskey bottle in
his hand.

“We had a deal, Spike,” Giles said angrily.

“Relax, Watcher, you never paid me. You didn’t lose anything,” he replied,
trying to keep the remorse out of his voice.

“I’m going to lose a Slayer!”

Finally looking up and meeting the other man’s gaze, Spike sighed. “No,
you’re not,” he said firmly as he sat down in his chair.

“I’m starting to think it’s unavoidable,” he said, watching the vampire
carefully. “She’s getting sloppy, Spike.”

“I know,” Spike replied softly, never looking at the Watcher as he took
another drink from the bottle.

“You’ve been following her?”

Spike stayed quiet for a long minute, watching the alcohol swirl around the
bottle.

“Had to watch out for her,” he whispered. “Never too close or she’d know I
was there, but…I had to make sure she was safe.”

“Then why did you tell her you wouldn’t patrol with her anymore?” Giles
asked, becoming more frustrated. “She needs someone right now, and for
reasons beyond my comprehension, she’s chosen you to be that someone, and to
have that taken away is doing more damage than the hearing loss. Why won’t
you help her?”

“Because apparently Captain Cardboard is more concerned about his
relationship than keeping the woman he loves alive!” Spike yelled, jumping
up from his chair, his jaw clenching in anger.

“Riley threatened you,” Giles said quietly, looking at the floor in
disbelief.

Spike didn’t say anything as Giles sat down, trying to understand what he’d
just been told.

“Spike…even if Riley threatened you, I can’t imagine why you would listen to
him. The chip keeps you from harming him, of course, but I think you of
all…people, would find a way around certain aspects of it.”

Taking an unneeded breath, Spike looked at the bottle, unconsciously
scratching his chest where the stake had been plunged in. “The ponce was
serious,” he finally muttered. “No, I’m not scared of him, but I can’t very
well help the Slayer if I’m dust in the wind, now can I?”

“Of course,” Giles said with a nod of comprehension. “This is the safest
way to keep both of you alive…until now.”

Spike watched in confusion as the other man jumped up and left the crypt.




 

Chapter 16 – Longing to Hear You


Giles was surprised when the door opened to reveal Buffy. Her eyes were
puffy and bloodshot, her skin was pale, and dark circles shadowed the
delicate skin under her eyes.

“Hi, Giles,” she said in a weak voice, stepping aside to let him in.

Crossing the threshold, Giles closed the door and followed the Slayer into
the living room. His frown deepened when he watched her curl up on the
couch, wrapping a blanket around her small form as if she was trying to
protect herself.

“How are you?” he asked softly, not really needing an answer, since she was
doing a fine job of letting him see how she was.

“I feel alone, Giles,” she whispered, knowing that she could be honest with
him. “And I know what you’re going to say,” she continued, cutting him off
as he opened his mouth to reply. “You’re going to tell me that I’m not
alone. That I have friends and family who care about me and want me to be
safe. That I’m strong enough to face anything, but…I’m not,” she murmured.

“And Spike made you feel as if you weren’t alone? That you didn’t have to
do this by yourself?”

Buffy nodded looking down at the floor, not trusting herself to respond.

Touching her hand to get her attention, Giles gave her a soft smile. “Do you love him, Buffy?”

Her eyes widened, her mouth dropping open slightly when she realized the question
wasn’t accusing and surprisingly wasn’t judgmental. He merely was asking a
question, expecting an honest response. “No,” she whispered, shaking her
head. “But there’s something…there’s something between us and I can’t
explain it. Giles, I can hear him…I know it sounds strange, but when he
speaks to me, I can hear him. And now he doesn’t want anything to do with
me and…and it’s just this emptiness again. Just this void of nothing, and
I’m all alone.”

“And you feel like this all the time?”

“Yeah,” Buffy whispered, nodding slightly. “I don’t know what it is. Is it
because I’m the Slayer and have to rely on so many senses? Is it because I
wasn’t born this way and now I have to adjust? I just don’t understand.”
Pausing for a moment, Buffy let a brief smile flash on her face as she
looked at her Watcher. “Who would have thought that silence really is
deafening?”

Giles smiled at the comment, relieved to see a small part of the Slayer come
shining through. “But the silence speaks as well.”

“Now you’re going to get all proverbial on me.”

“You started it,” Giles said with a grin as Buffy smiled. His face soon
turned into a hard mask as he looked down at his hands, making sure that
Buffy could still see his lips moving. “What if I was to tell you that it
wasn’t Spike’s decision to stop patrolling?”

Staying quiet for a long moment, Buffy shrugged. “He made his choice.”

“What if I were to tell you that he was threatened by someone? Someone whom
you know very well, that if he doesn’t stay away from you, he will have to
pay the consequences?”

“Riley?” Buffy asked, her eyes widening in disbelief as Giles nodded.

Taking a deep breath, she turned her head away from him, trying to get her
thoughts in order.

“Riley threatened to kill him unless he stopped patrolling with me?”

“That’s what I was able to get from Spike.”

Buffy was off the couch in a flash, practically running for the door, not
giving Giles a second look as she ran from the house.

* * * * *

“Buffy,” Riley said with a surprised smile as she walked through the door.
“What are you-“

“You son of a bitch!” Buffy screamed, restraining herself from slamming her
fist into his nose.

“Whoa, what’s wrong, baby?”

“Don’t you dare ‘baby’ me, you bastard!”

Riley was trying to ignore the insults, noticing the tears that were
swimming in her eyes. “Talk to me, Buffy, tell me what’s wrong.”

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong! What’s wrong, Riley, is that you don’t care
about me!”

“That’s not true, I love you.”

“If you loved me, why would you threaten Spike?” she asked, crossing her
arms over her chest.

His eyes widening in understanding, Riley hurriedly tried to think of
something and decided that a version of the truth was his best option. “He
was getting too close to you,” he said, looking into her eyes. “I was
worried something could happen to you.”

“Like what?” Buffy asked through gritted teeth.

“What if…what if he hurt you?”

“He can’t,” Buffy said angrily. “The chip.”

“And what if he got someone else to hurt you?”

“Then he would have done it a long time ago, Riley,” she cried in
exasperation, throwing her arms up in the air.

“He could have been waiting for you to let your guard down and-“

“Stop,” she cut him off, holding her hand up in warning. “He wouldn’t do
that…two years ago…last year, maybe he would have, but it’s different now.”

“Don’t delude yourself- he’s still a monster,” Riley said, shaking his head.

“He’s different now. And if a ‘monster’ can be more open to change than a
human being, I’m willing to trust the monster,” Buffy paused, taking a deep
breath. “It’s over, Riley,” she whispered.

“Buffy, no,” he said with wide eyes. “Look, I know you’re angry and I’m
sorry. I was just trying to keep you safe-“

“Trying to keep me safe?” she cried. “Trying to keep me safe by taking away
the one person who can help me?”

“I can protect you.”

“I don’t want protection, Riley,” Buffy said angrily. “I want help. I want
the ability to look in the mirror and not see this glaring weakness of mine,
and he was doing that. I don’t need a guardian, I need a partner.”

Buffy turned to walk out the door when Riley stopped her. Turning to look
at him, she saw the anger clouding his eyes.

“And you want him to be your partner?”

“I want to be able to know that when I patrol I’m safe.”

“I can keep you safe.”

“Have you not listened to a word I’ve said? I want to be safe, not have
someone standing watch over me. Spike is able to do that.”

“He’s a soulless thing.”

“Maybe,” Buffy said with a shrug, opening the door. “But I trust him. I
trust him more than I trust you.”

Walking outside, Buffy paused to take a deep breath. That was easier than
she ever expected. Leaning against a nearby brick wall, she worked on
steadying her breathing. Maybe she’d been too hard on Riley, but he had no
right to treat her like she was his and dictate her life. She’d already
been through that with Angel. She needed someone who treated her as an
equal.

But first she had to straighten things out with Spike.




 

Chapter 17 – In a Heartbeat


“Spike!”

Immediately on his feet, Spike turned toward the door as Buffy ran through,
stopping when the door slammed behind her.

“What are you doing here, Slayer?”

“I had to see you,” she said, panting lightly from her run. “I…I know what
happened.”

“Bollocks,” Spike muttered, looking around the crypt for anything resembling
alcohol. He wanted to be completely numb by the time Soldier Boy came
looking to make good on his threat. “What do you know?”

“I know that Riley threatened you,” she said softly, taking a few more steps
into the crypt. “I know that he told you to stay away from me. And I know
that he doesn’t care about me.”

Spike finally looked up into Buffy’s eyes, seeing the emotions swirling
around in them. The pain, the hurt, the betrayal. Her eyes had never been
so expressive, and it was more than a little unnerving to him. The Slayer
had always been very closed off, and he realized that now, when she had been
stripped of one of her most basic senses, she was opening up in ways he
didn’t even think she was aware of.

“He cares about you, luv,” Spike said with a heavy sigh. He hated defending
the wanker, but in Riley’s twisted, black and white version of good and
evil, he knew that he really did care about Buffy. He obviously cared
enough to want to be with her at all costs when he felt the relationship was
threatened, even if it wasn’t for the best reasons and his actions could
have cost the Slayer her life.

“How do you know?” Buffy asked, feeling the full effects of what Riley had
done now that she was able to slow down enough to think.

“He’d be a bloody fool not to,” Spike replied, looking directly into her
eyes.

Buffy felt the warmth spread through her when the comforting resonance of
his voice broke through the fog and entered her subconscious.

Noticing her shoulders slump, Spike tilted his head to look at her. Buffy
smiled when she finally raised her eyes to look at him again. “I can hear
you,” she whispered, relief evident in her voice. “It’s just…I missed
that.”

Spike watched as tears came to her eyes before she hurriedly blinked them
away.

“I don’t want to stop patrolling with you, Spike.”

“Look, pet, I don’t think it’s such a good idea, considering-“

“I broke up with Riley.”

“Bugger,” Spike muttered, biting his bottom lip as he looked down. Captain
Cardboard was definitely going to have it in for him now.

“He doesn’t even care enough about my well-being to trust me around…to,
um…to trust my strength,” Buffy said softly, looking away when she realized
what she’d almost said. Why would he be worried about trusting her around
Spike? It’s not like she thought of him in a sexual way. It’s not like she
looked at the lean torso that was both hidden and enhanced by the tight
black t-shirt he wore. It’s not like she studied the hard lines of his
body- his broad shoulders, his slim waist, leading even lower to…

Spike’s head nearly snapped up when he caught the scent of her arousal
filling the room. Quickly looking away before she realized what he was
thinking and ran out with her virtue fluttering, Spike hid the smile on his
face as he turned around, pretending to want something to drink and
desperately wishing that he knew what she was thinking.

“So the connection isn’t gone?” he asked with his back to her, deciding to
change the subject and test his theory at the same time.

“If you mean, can I still hear you when you’re not facing me, I think I just
answered that.”

Spike turned around with a smirk, crossing his arms and smiling when she
nervously licked her lips, her eyes traveling over the exposed muscles of
his forearms and biceps. Oh yeah, he knew what she’d been thinking of.

“We never have really talked about that,” he said with a grin. “I’m
surprised your Watcher hasn’t been researching it in every spare second.”

“Who says he hasn’t?” Buffy replied with a shrug. “I’m not exactly in the
loop anymore.”

Spike frowned at the despondent tone of voice. “You’re the Slayer,” Spike
replied in confusion.

“Thanks for telling me. I never would have figured that one out without you.”

“Careful now, Slayer. It would seem I’m the only friend you’ve got.”

“Is that what you are?” Buffy asked quietly. “A friend?”

“Is that what you want me to be?” Spike countered, watching her carefully.

‘What do I want him to be?’ she wondered silently.

“I want someone I can count on,” Buffy said softly, raising her eyes to his.

“Then that’s what you’ve got,” he replied honestly.

“So what do you want me to be?” she asked, insecurity creeping into her
voice. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to know the answer to that question.

“What do I want you to be?” Spike repeated, opening his mouth to answer
before he snapped it shut as a word echoed through his head. ‘Mine.'

Shaking his head to clear it, Spike looked into the wide hazel eyes of the
young woman in front of him. “Would it be redundant to say the same thing
back to you?” he asked with a smile, trying to cover up what he was
thinking.

Staring at him for a long moment, Buffy closed the distance between them,
wrapping her arms around his lean waist. She needed the reassurance of this
moment. She needed to forget the flashing neon signs over their heads that
screamed ‘Mortal Enemies.’ She needed to be a girl taking comfort in a man
she considered to be a friend.

Spike’s arms wrapped around her waist in surprise. He could have sworn he
felt his heart begin beating at her close proximity when he realized that
it was hers. The soft thudding against his chest reverberated to him,
creating an echo inside him that made him feel alive. Swallowing the gasp
of surprise, his arms tightened around her as he let his eyes close,
enjoying the feel of her in his arms.

Resisting the urge to brush a kiss to the top of her head, Spike lowered his
head, preparing to say something to her, even though he didn’t know what to
say.

Opening his mouth, his eyes snapped open when he realized what he was
preparing to say- ‘I love you.’ Gulping back the fear that welled up
inside of him, Spike slowly pulled away from her. He didn’t want to love.
He didn’t want to love the Slayer of all people, but looking into her eyes,
he knew it was inevitable. Distancing himself from her, Spike took an
unneeded breath, avoiding her strong gaze.

“Do you want to patrol?” she asked quietly.

“Sounds good,” he replied, trying to keep his voice normal and cringing when
it was much higher than he was used to. Yep, he was in trouble now.




Chapter 18 – Betrayal of Trust


Trying to resist the urge to stare at her as they walked through the
cemetery, Spike shoved his hands in the pockets of his duster. He half-expected Riley to jump him out of nowhere, but he realized as long as Buffy
was with him, he wouldn’t try anything.

They had been patrolling for over two hours and staked five vamps.

“Why did you listen to Riley?” Buffy blurted out all of a sudden, causing Spike to look at her.

“I didn’t,” he mumbled, looking away. “Not really.”

“What do you mean?”

“Had to watch after you,” he said softly.

“You…you followed me?”

Spike merely nodded as Buffy’s eyes widened. Walking in silence for a few more minutes, she finally decided to change the subject, since he seemed to be unusually quiet tonight.

“I need to stop by the Magic Box. I haven’t checked in with Giles.”

Allowing a smirk to play on his lips, Spike looked at her, trying not to
think of how the moonlight made her look more beautiful than he would have
thought possible. “You never have bothered to check in before, pet. Why
start now?”

Buffy smiled, wrapping her arms around her body and trying to ward off the
unusually chilly air as they walked. The temperature continued to drop the
later it got. “Giles is one of the only people to make an effort since I
lost my hearing…I guess I can be a good little Slayer and try and behave
sometimes.”

Spike chuckled at her tone of voice before seeing her shiver in the cool
air. Quickly shrugging off his duster, he turned to face her, giving her a
soft smile when she stopped and looked at him. Buffy sighed gratefully when
his coat was draped over her shoulders before looking up at him. She
noticed the unguarded look in his eyes as he adjusted the collar around his
neck. She didn’t know if it was her imagination or if he was showing her
genuine affection. His hands lingered where they were for a moment before
he tapped her on the edge of her nose, giving her a grin. “Can’t have you
freeze to death, now can I?”

“That would definitely not be of the good,” she said with an answering smile
as they began walking again.

“But if we run into any baddies, you guard that coat with your life.”

Buffy giggled, looking down at the sleeves of the duster, rolling them up so
they didn’t encase her hands. “Where’d you get this coat, anyway?”

Spike froze, wondering if he should let her know how he really got it or
tell a little white lie. “It belonged to the last Slayer I killed,” he
muttered, unable to look in her eyes.

All humor immediately disappeared from her face as she stopped walking,
turning to look at him. “You’re serious?”

“I am,” he replied, turning to face her. “But I’m not…whatever I was back
then.”

“A demon,” Buffy said in a much harsher voice than she intended. “So if you
could undo it, you would?”

“Never said that,” Spike said quietly.

“You’d kill her again?”

The demon tried to battle its way to the surface. Wanting to scream and
shout that it would gladly snap a neck or rip the throat out of anyone that
was put in his path. But looking into Buffy’s eyes, William made his way to
the surface. “I don’t know,” he replied honestly, feeling his stomach drop
as Buffy took a step away.

She knew she shouldn’t react this way. He was a soulless chipped vampire,
but something inside was telling her that he was more than that.

“It’s a lot of factors to consider, pet.”

“Like what?” Buffy asked, self-consciously crossing her arms over her chest.

“I never would have met you,” he said softly.

“Wh-what do you mean?” she asked with a nervous tremor making its way into
her voice.

“If that Slayer hadn’t died, the line would have changed…you might never
have been called-“

“And you wouldn’t have shown up in town wanting to kill me,” she finished
for him. “So I could have lived the life of a normal girl.”

Spike closed his eyes before slowly turning away from her. “I’m sorry,” he
whispered as he walked away.

Buffy hesitated for a brief moment before following him. “Don’t be,” she murmured, unable to look him in the eye. “I’m not saying what you did is okay, but I know how to appreciate life now. I never would have figured that out before. Granted, I have a shorter lifespan,” she said with a grin.

“Don’t joke about that,” Spike said sharply, looking at her as they
approached the door of the Magic Box. “You’re going to live a long life,
Slayer. I’m going to see to that.”

“You are?” Buffy asked in surprise, her breath coming out in sharp pants
when he gently tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

“You’re going to be around for a long time, luv.”

Buffy felt as if she was getting lost in his eyes as he leaned forward and
left a soft kiss on her cheek.

“We better get inside.”

She could only nod as he opened the door to the shop.

* * * * *

An hour later, Buffy was about to walk out the door when Spike stopped her.
His hand lingered on her arm, causing a small tingling sensation to spread
through her body as he turned her to face Giles.

“Buffy, do you feel okay getting home by yourself?” Giles asked.

“Yeah,” she answered skeptically, her brow furrowed as she looked at her
Watcher.

“I need Spike to help me with a few details regarding the demon that
attacked you.”

“Okay,” she said softly, giving Spike a last look before she walked out the
backdoor.

Spike was skeptical as Giles led him back to the main room of the shop,
walking behind the counter and opening up the drawer. He tightened his jaw
when he saw the wad of cash that was pulled out.

“You’ve kept up your end of the bargain,” Giles said, counting out the bills
and laying them on the counter. “Kept an eye on her, even when you didn’t
have to. I think you’ve earned it.”

Spike looked at the money with trepidation for a moment before hesitantly
picking it up and stuffing it in his pocket.

* * * * *

Buffy was a few feet out of the Magic Box when she realized she was still
wearing Spike’s duster. Turning around, she walked back in, already taking
off the coat and offering it to…nobody. Walking toward the open door that
led to the main room, she stopped when she saw Giles holding a stack of cash,
studying his lips as they began moving.

“You’ve kept up your end of the bargain. Kept an eye on her, even when you
didn’t have to. I think you’ve earned it.”

Looking at them with tears in her eyes, Buffy watched Spike look at the money
before taking it from the counter and giving Giles a brief nod.

Backing away from the door, she let the duster fall on the ground before
running out of the shop. The two people she thought she could trust had
been arranging a business transaction behind her back. A sob ripped from
her throat as the betrayal washed over her.




Chapter 19 – Death Wish


Spike walked through the back of the Magic Box, frowning when he saw his
duster lying on the floor. Picking it up, he briefly brought it to his
face, inhaling the sweet smell of vanilla and honeysuckle before he realized
that something didn’t feel right. Closing his eyes, he pictured Buffy
leaving the shop and easily remembered the duster wrapped snugly around her
small frame.

Looking at the open door that led to the main area of the shop, he felt his
heart tighten at the thought of what she could have witnessed.

“I would have sensed her,” he muttered to himself. “I would have heard her
or…”

He trailed off, realizing that he had been distracted with Giles and the
blasted money. Knowing that there was a possibility that she could have seen
something that she might not have understood nearly had him gasping for
unneeded air. He could almost sense the different emotions that lingered in
the air.

“Bloody hell, she must have seen.”

Without another thought, Spike ran out of the shop, hoping that Buffy didn’t
have too much of a head start.

* * * * *

Walking toward her house, Buffy had veered off toward a nearby cemetery, not
wanting to have to face her mother just yet with tears streaming down her
cheeks- she needed to get her emotions under control.

Everything had been turned on its axis, and Buffy didn’t know how much more
she could take. When the vampire caught her off guard with a hard hit to
her jaw, she found herself falling, landing on her back on the hard earth.
She tried to fight back but was too overcome with the raging emotions,
putting very little force behind her punches.

‘Nothing means anything anymore,’ she thought as the vampire eagerly pinned
her body with his.

Buffy closed her eyes as the alarms sounded through her body, waiting for
the fangs to pierce her jugular. She just wanted it to be over. She wanted the
pain, the confusion, and most of all, the betrayal to be nothing but a
distant memory. SHE wanted to be nothing but a distant memory.

Nothing could have surprised her more than the feeling of the vampire
disintegrating on top of her. The dust falling around her as she looked
into the cold blue eyes of a man she thought she trusted.

“What the bloody hell was that?!” Spike yelled, jerking her up by her arms
and giving her a hard shake. “Are you trying to commit suicide? Because
that’s what it fucking looked like!”

Buffy had never seen Spike this angry, but she turned away, wanting to
ignore him as she brushed herself off.

Spinning her around, Spike grabbed her arms and held them in a bruising grip, ignoring the
warning zaps that the chip was sending through his brain. “Do you want to
die?” he asked, giving her another shake for good measure, trying to get her
to look at him.

“What do you care?!” Buffy yelled, trying to break free of his hold.

“Because I care about you,” Spike said, his grip loosening slightly.
“You’re the strongest Slayer I’ve ever been in contact with, and I’ll be
damned all over again if I let you go out that way.”

“I’m not the Slayer!” she screamed as tears ran down her face. “I’m nothing
anymore. I’m a shell of the Slayer and I haven’t had a chance to be a girl!
I’ve been the Slayer since I was fifteen, and I was never able to figure
out who BUFFY was! Now, I don’t even have that…I’m just a liability.”

“Where the hell are you getting this?” Spike asked, his eyes softening as he
took a step back and looked at her.

“Let’s just say I had a sudden realization tonight.”

“And that would be?”

“Why don’t you go ask your business partner,” Buffy said bitterly. “What?
You don’t have any more business transactions to make tonight?” she asked,
her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Spike knew that he would have to approach this very carefully. “Slayer-“

“Don’t!” she yelled, fighting the tears in her eyes, pointing a finger at
him in warning. “I don’t want to know. Whatever you’re about to say…I
trusted you,” she trailed off in a whisper as tears continued to stream down
her cheeks. “I thought we had something special, and it was all just for
money.” Buffy covered her face with her hands as the sobs racked her body.

She jumped when she felt his arms wrap around her and quickly pulled away,
landing a solid punch to his nose that sent him reeling back. Spike
hurriedly steadied himself and blocked her other hits.

“I trusted you!” she screamed, her emotions taking over as she cried. “You said you were my friend!”

“I am,” he said quietly, letting her take out her anger and frustration on him, only bothering to block the worst of her hits, knowing that she would need to get this out of her system. He held his arms out to his sides when he felt her strength dwindling as her fists weakly hit his chest. Wrapping his arms around the young woman, Spike dropped to the ground with her when her legs gave out.

Stroking her hair and holding her in a firm grip as she cried, he planted
soft kisses in her hair, letting his hands trail along her back, trying to
soothe her.

After a few minutes, he felt Buffy pull away but held her at arms' length,
forcing her to look at him. “I never wanted to hurt you,” he said, his eyes
never leaving hers as silent tears slipped down her cheeks. “I didn’t take
the money.”

Her eyes widened as she looked at him. “You didn’t?”

Spike shook his head before answering. “No.”

“Wh-why not?” she asked, her voice trembling.

Hesitating for a moment, Spike leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to her
lips. It was barely a caress, but it was enough to elicit a response from
her. She eagerly leaned forward, craving his touch as she deepened the
kiss, holding him to her.

Breaking away after a moment, each breathing heavily, Buffy looked into his
eyes again. “Why didn’t you take the money?” she asked again.

“Because I love you.”

 

Chapter 20 – Denial & Acceptance


“Love? You…you love me?”

Spike was staring at her through eyes that were filled with so much emotion,
Buffy felt short of breath. “I do,” he whispered, waiting for the hardening
of her features or the moment when she would shove him away and try to get
as far away from him as possible.

“Since when?” she whispered, surprising him by not distancing herself from
his embrace as they still sat on the ground.

“Remember the night at the Magic Box? The night when Riley collapsed?”

Buffy nodded, her eyes widening. “The night that I actually heard what you
said for the first time?”

It was Spike’s turn for his eyes to widen. “Yeah,” he whispered, his brow
furrowed together as he tried to understand what that meant. “I just didn’t know what I was feeling.”

Buffy stayed quiet as he ran his hand gently over her hair.

“Come on, pet, let’s get you home,” he said, trying to change the subject as he helped her
to her feet.

“Spike, I don’t think-“

“Leave it, Slayer,” he said in a harsher tone than he intended, regretting
it the moment that he saw the hurt in her eyes. Tightening his jaw, he
avoided her strong gaze, trying to get his emotions under control before he
looked at her again. “It’s not a big deal,” he finally mumbled, feeling her
eyes bore into him. “I just don’t want to make a thing out of it.”

“It is a big deal,” Buffy insisted, grabbing his arm and forcing him to turn
and look at her.

“Why?” he asked, keeping his expression closed off so she couldn’t see what
he was feeling.

“Because that’s not something that you just blurt out and then pretend that
it was never said!”

“Look, I know how this will play out. I stand in front of you with my heart
on my sleeve and you throw it back in my face. Forgive me for not wanting
that to happen tonight.”

“Is that really what you think?”

“Slayer, the only reason you’re standing in front of me is because you lost
your hearing. If that wasn’t the case, you would still be barging into my
crypt and beating me up for information.” Spike stopped when he noticed the
look of pain that crossed her features.

“Maybe,” she murmured, looking down at the ground. “Probably…but things are
different now.”

“No, they’re not.”

“Why?” Buffy asked angrily. “Because I have a disability now? Who cares,
Spike! Everything that ever led to anything has had events that set it up!
Do you think I would have been with Angel if I wasn’t the Slayer?” She
ignored his grimace at the mention of Angel as she continued, “Do you think
that I would be with Riley if Angel hadn’t left town? Do you think that you
would be here if Drusilla hadn’t left you? Because by your reasoning, I
shouldn’t be with you, because if Dru didn’t leave you, you wouldn’t have
that chip in your head.”

“That doesn’t make one bit of sense,” Spike replied in exasperation.

“Doesn’t it? If I wasn’t deaf, we wouldn’t be standing here right now. If
you didn’t have that chip in your head, we wouldn’t be standing here right
now. It seems pretty cut and dry to me,” she replied, crossing her arms
over her chest.

“Does that mean you love me?” he asked with a raised eyebrow, preparing
himself for the answer he knew would be the only and final blow.

Buffy stared at him for a long minute before speaking. “It means…I’m not
against the idea.”

Spike’s eyes widened a fraction before closing off his emotions once again.
“You don’t know what you mean,” he replied, turning away and walking in the
direction of her house.

Buffy stood behind him, fighting the tears in her eyes. She tightened her
jaw, slowly following behind him and waiting for him to turn around. When
he finally did, Buffy did the one thing she never expected to do again.
Walking up to him, she slammed her fist into his jaw, suppressing the smile
as he regained his footing.

“What the bloody hell was that for!?” he yelled, holding a hand to his
throbbing jaw.

“For being an idiot,” she replied, walking past him.

Spike quickly caught up to her, grabbing her arm and spinning her around.
His flashing eyes seemed to turn remorseful as he looked at her face and saw
the pain in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“You just…you ask me if I love you, and I give you an honest answer and…why
ask me if you already had your mind made up about what I was going to say?”

Spike sighed before looking around the area. They were a few blocks from
Buffy’s house, and it was getting late. “Let’s get you home, pet.”

“You’re just going to ignore this, aren’t you?”

“What am I supposed to do?” Spike asked, feeling his heart tighten at the
simple words.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy stepped forward, slipping her hand into his,
tightening her hold as she looked into his eyes. “You’re supposed to see if
this can work.”

“You don’t love me, Buffy,” he whispered in a resigned voice.

“No,” she said softly. “I don’t…but I didn’t love Riley either. Love
doesn’t seem to come easy for me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try
and see what’s here…because I can tell you right now, I already have more of
an understanding relationship with you than I ever did with Riley.”

A slight smile graced Spike’s face as he looked into her eyes, seeing the
honesty reflecting in them.

“Walk me home?” she asked, biting her lip as she waited for his answer.

Looking down at their joined hands, his smile broadened. “You know I will.”

Setting a comfortable pace, both stayed quiet, enjoying the simple feel of
the other as the walked through the darkened streets. Neither wanted to
break the tranquility of the moment, each wanting to remember it forever.

Turning onto Revello, Spike’s hold tightened on her briefly before he moved
to let her go. “What are you doing?” Buffy asked, her fingers clasping
around his.

“I didn’t think you’d want anyone you know seeing us.”

Buffy frowned. It was definitely going to be a difficult conversation,
considering she would have to tell her friends that she had just broken up
with Riley and she was starting something with Spike, but she strangely
realized that she didn’t care what they thought.

Walking in silence for a few more moments, Buffy climbed one of the steps
leading up to the porch and turned to face him. “Spike,” she whispered,
taking his other hand in hers, feeling a calming sensation at the linked
feeling. “I need to ask you something, and I don’t think you’d lie to me,
but-“

“What is it, luv?”

Hesitating for a moment, Buffy took a deep breath. “The chip…if you ever
got the chip out, would you-“

“No,” he replied, cutting her off. “I wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

He felt a strange feeling of hurt wash over him at the disbelief in her
eyes.

“You don’t believe me?”

“It’s just…you haven’t even had it for a year and-“

“And how could a soulless demon reform in less than a year's time?”

“Well…yeah.”

“Easy answer, luv,” he replied, tucking a lock of silky hair behind her ear.
“You.” At her surprised look, he continued, “I’ve been having feelings
for you for a long time- I’ve just been ignoring them. You make me want to
change, Buffy.”

She felt tears come to her eyes as her chin quivered with emotion. Not
giving any thought to what she was doing, Buffy brushed a tender kiss
against his lips. She had to smile at Spike’s shocked expression when she
pulled away. He’d obviously never expected her to initiate a kiss between
them, and the look on his face was priceless.

“I better get inside,” she whispered, reluctance evident in her voice.

“Okay, luv,” Spike said softly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Spike felt like he was in heaven as her lips brushed against his once more,
eliciting a moan from him before slowly pulling away. “Good night, Buffy.”

Buffy watched as he turned around and disappeared down the street before
walking into her house, feeling more relaxed.

* * * * *

Spike had an uneasy feeling the entire walk back to his crypt. He was so
distracted by everything that happened with Buffy tonight, he hadn’t been
paying attention to his surroundings.

“We need to talk.”

Turning at the sound of the familiar voice, Spike raised an eyebrow,
surprised that he’d let his guard down. “What do you want, Soldier Boy?”


 

Chapter 21 – Déjà vu


An uneasy feeling washed over Buffy as she said good night to her mother.
Pausing on the stairs, she tried to tune into her emotions, wondering what
was wrong with her. Turning and walking back down the stairs, Buffy saw her
mom sitting on the couch watching television, exactly the way she’d left her
less than a minute ago.

“Mom…do you feel that?”

“What, honey?” Joyce asked, looking at her daughter in concern.

“It feels like something is wrong and I don’t know what.”

Joyce looked deep in thought for a moment before answering. “Do you think
it’s a Slayer thing?”

“I-I don’t know…the only time I’ve ever felt anything like this was when
Angel was poisoned, but I was standing right there with him and it wasn’t
this strong.”

“Do you think it’s-“

“Spike!”

Before Joyce could respond, Buffy was out the door and running toward the
cemetery.

* * * * *

The feeling got stronger as she approached the crypt. Putting on a burst of
Slayer speed, she practically knocked the door off the hinges in her rush to
get through it.

“Spike?”

Looking around and calling his name, Buffy tuned in every sense to locating
him. “Spike, where are you?”

‘Come on,’ she urged silently. ‘You know I can hear you, answer me.’

Walking toward the back of the crypt, she frowned when his presence didn’t
seem as strong. “Spike?” she whispered with tears in her eyes, praying to
anyone and everyone that he would answer.

Taking several deep breaths and forcing herself to calm down, Buffy closed
her eyes, letting her feelings take over. After an excruciatingly long few
seconds, her eyes flew open before she ran to the door again. Pausing for a
brief moment when the night air hit her face, Buffy turned left and ran a
few paces, nearly tripping as she skidded to a stop. Feeling her breath
catch in her throat, she dropped to her knees, choking back the bile in her
throat as she looked at the beaten vampire in front of her, lying in a pool of blood.

Cuts and bruises littered his face and body. Swelling was already beginning,
and blood was pouring out of open wounds. She felt her heart stop when she
realized that he was unconscious.

Dropping to her knees, Buffy’s first thought was to check for a pulse until
her brain kicked in and reminded her that she wouldn’t find one no matter
what.

“Spike,” she whispered in a hopeful tone, gently touching his chest,
wondering if a vampire could die from blood loss.

As gently as she could, Buffy maneuvered him into a better position and
picked him up. Slowly moving him toward the crypt, she was careful not to
jar any of his potentially broken bones as she walked through the door.

With a sigh of relief, Buffy laid him down on top of a nearby coffin, trying
to keep the tears from falling as she ran for the refrigerator and came back
with a brimming cup of blood.

Slowly moving him so she was cradling his head in her arm, Buffy tilted the
blood toward his mouth, hoping that the scent would entice him, even in his
unconscious state.

Holding her breath when he took a small swallow of blood, she felt her heart
drop in her chest when he immediately choked on it and spit out the
mouthful.

“Spike, you need to drink,” she whispered as she finally let her tears fall,
lowering her head to his chest as her body shook with the force of her sobs.
“I can’t lose you…I can’t!”

“Buffy?”

Jerking her head up at the hoarse voice, Buffy gasped when she saw one eye
open. “It’s me,” she whispered, tenderly trailing a hand over his battered
cheek. “I’m here.”

With a painful grimace, Spike reached up and took her hand in his, leaving a
tender kiss on the palm. “Why the long face, pet?” he asked with another
cringe.

“I thought…I thought I’d lost you. What happened?”

“It’s not important,” he mumbled, turning away from her.

“Yes, it is,” she replied, walking around the coffin so she could look at
him again. “Who did this to you?”

Seeing the resolve in her eyes, Spike sighed and immediately regretted the
action when his ribs protested.

“It was your lover boy, Slayer.”

“Riley?” Buffy asked in disbelief, her eyes glazing over. “Wh-why?”

“Apparently, I’m taking advantage of what’s his,” Spike replied before
coughing up even more blood.

Quickly rolling him, Buffy’s chin quivered at the amount of blood he was
losing. “I’m not his,” she whispered, more to herself than him.

“That’s not what he says,” Spike whispered, resting his head on his arm as
he closed his eyes.

“No! No, Spike, don’t close your eyes, you have to eat!”

“Too weak, luv. Got some bones that need mending.”

“You’ll get stronger, just drink.”

“I just need to rest,” he said, his voice getting weaker.

Sitting down on the stone surface, Buffy pulled him up into a sitting
position, forcing him to look at her. “You need blood, Spike.”

“Where the bloody hell is it?” he asked in a resigned voice.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy nervously licked her lips before moving forward
and tilting her head. Spike’s mouth dropped open when he realized what she
was doing as he tried to move away. “Can’t do it, Slayer…I won’t do it.”

“You have to.”

Unconsciously licking his lips as he eyed her neck, Spike painfully shook
his head. “I’ll hurt you…the chip.”

Watching as she moved closer to him, Spike had never been more nervous or
aroused as she pressed her chest to his. “Then don’t hurt me,” she
whispered, feeling the demon come forth as tingles of warning and
anticipation went through her body.

The bloodlust was raging in him as his tongue lightly swept over her neck.
He felt her heartbeat speed up in response and took a moment to run his
fingers through her hair, making sure she was relaxed. The demon was oddly
quiet during the tender display, not screaming at him to take what she was
offering.

Spike’s brow furrowed when he realized that he saw Buffy as his mate. The
realization almost propelled him away from her before he realized that she
was accepting him…all of him.

“Spike?” Buffy whispered, gasping when she felt his fangs plunge into her
neck, her eyes closing as he began taking deep pulls of her blood.

Feeling her heart beating rapidly, Spike pulled her closer to him,
forgetting the pain he was in as he bit down harder, moderately surprised
that the chip wasn’t firing. Letting his hand come up to the back of
Buffy’s head, he held her to him as he continued to drink the sweet liquid.

Buffy began to feel her strength draining out of her with each swallow of
blood. The feeling of déjà vu was almost too much for her as she arched her
back, pushing her body against his while she waited for the all too familiar
feeling of oblivion to surround her. She was beyond the point of asking him
to stop, and a larger part of her was enjoying having him connected so
intimately to her that she knew she wouldn’t ask even if she could.

Hearing her heartbeat dwindling, a warning seemed to pass through Spike,
recognizing that she could be in danger before reluctantly pulling away.
Letting the demon recede, he immediately panicked when he saw Buffy’s glazed
over eyes.

“Buffy?”

Trying to shake off the feeling of helplessness, Buffy felt herself lowered
onto the hard surface, vaguely making out Spike’s concerned eyes as he
looked at her.

“I’m sorry, luv. I didn’t mean to take so much.”

Taking a few deep breaths, Buffy allowed her eyes to focus and offered him a
weak smile.

Listening intently to her heart, Spike stared at her worriedly. “Are you
okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” she whispered. “I’ve had it worse than this.”

Spike continued to stare at her, periodically checking her breathing and
heart. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Hold me?” she whispered hopefully, smiling when a soft smile lit up his
face.

“I can do that.”

Buffy relaxed as he lay down next to her and pulled her against his strong
chest, marveling for a moment that he must already be feeling better.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, brushing a kiss along her forehead.

“Don’t be,” she said in a soft voice. “I’m not.”






 

Chapter 22 – Drained


Slowly opening her eyes, Buffy groaned at the pain in her body, immediately
closing her eyes once again. She felt like she’d been hit by a truck, and as
the memories returned to her, she was almost regretting not going to the
hospital. At least when she’d allowed Angel to feed from her, she’d woken
up with enough pain medication flowing through her to keep her numb to the
actual pain. Of course she’d been much closer to death at the time, and that was a
feeling she wasn’t looking to relive anytime soon.

“Buffy?”

Turning toward the soft-spoken voice, her eyes fluttered open, and Buffy had
to smile at the worried look on Spike’s face.

“How are you?” he asked nervously.

“I’ll be fine,” she murmured, her voice tinged with pain as she rolled
toward him, seeking comfort. She frowned when something felt different.
Looking around, Buffy realized that Spike must have moved her to the bed at
some point. The soft mattress and silky sheets caressed her body, doing
their part to soothe the aching in her sore muscles.

“You shouldn’t have done that, pet,” Spike whispered, tracing his fingertips
along her cheek.

Breathing a sigh of relief at the comforting feeling of being able to hear
him and feel him, Buffy snuggled closer to his body, tucking her head under
his chin and trembling when his hands traveled lower, slipping beneath her
shirt and stroking the skin he came in contact with. “I had to do it,” she
murmured. “It was my fault.”

“It wasn’t,” Spike insisted, pulling back to look at her. “Your ex boy
wonder is the only one to blame.”

“But if it wasn’t for me, he never would have shown up wanting revenge,” she
said softly, leaning back to study him for a moment. There was no swelling
in his face and some of the bruises had already faded. The cuts were
closing, making it look as if Spike had been in a fair fight and he was
simply healing from a few injuries. Her memory blocked out the way he
looked when she first showed up and the thought of what could have happened
if she hadn’t been there. Her Slayer’s blood was doing what it was supposed
to do, and that’s what she needed to focus on.

Seeing tears shimmering in her eyes, Spike tilted his head to look at her
with a worried expression. “What is it?” he asked in a whisper, causing her
eyes to travel to his again.

“What if I hadn’t been here?” she said in a choked voice. “What if I hadn’t
felt that something was wrong? The sun would have risen and you…”

“You felt something?”

Buffy nodded, sniffling slightly as he studied her. “I can’t explain it. I
just got this confusing feeling, and then I realized that you were in trouble
and I got here as fast as I could.”

Looking up at him to gauge his reaction, Buffy was surprised at the
confusion written all over his face.

“What are you thinking?” she asked, watching as he turned to look at her,
his brow furrowed.

“It’s not important,” he replied, shaking his head. “I was just trying to
figure out how we’re feeling each other.”

“And that’s not important?” she asked, a pout forming on her lips.

“It’s important, luv,” he whispered with a smile. “Just confusing.”

“Yeah,” she agreed in a soft voice, seeing Spike’s expression change once
again. “I’m not a mind reader, Spike. Tell me what’s going on in that head
of yours.”

“It’s just…if I didn’t know better, I’d say we were mated.”

Buffy stayed quiet, avoiding his gaze as she picked at the invisible lint on
the sheet. Spike studied her for a moment before drawing her attention back
to him. “I’m not a mind reader either,” he said with a playful smile that
Buffy didn’t return.

“If we were mated…that’s like a form of marriage?”

“Yes, luv, but we’re not.”

The disappointed look on her features didn’t go unnoticed by him, but he
chose not to say anything about it.

“Why don’t you talk to your Watcher and see if he can find out anything,” he
suggested, pulling her closer to him.

“Yeah,” she murmured, looking up at him with wide eyes that were more
expressive than he was used to seeing.

Slowly lowering his lips to hers, Spike gently kissed her, eliciting a moan
when he tried to pull away. Buffy eagerly sought out the comfort the kiss
was providing and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to
her as his tongue slipped past her lips to brush against hers.

Pulling away breathlessly after a moment, she saw Spike looking at her with
lust-filled eyes. The startling navy shade almost made her jump with the
intensity of his gaze. “I love you,” he whispered, pressing another kiss to
her lips before breaking away all too soon.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” she murmured, tracing her hand along
his cheekbone. “I mean…I know what you want me to say, but…”

“I’m not trying to pressure you. I just thought you might need to hear it
again.”

Buffy smiled, looking down shyly before meeting his gaze again. “I can’t
say it yet,” she whispered, noticing the brief flash of disappointment on
his face before he masked it carefully. “But I know that I can’t be
without you.”

A brilliant smile lit up Spike’s face, and Buffy realized that she rarely saw
a genuine smile from him.

“I like that,” she murmured, laying her head on his chest in exhaustion.

“What’s that, pet?” Spike asked, his lips brushing along the top of her
head, letting his hands trail up and down her arms in a soothing motion.

“When you smile,” she whispered, closing her eyes and yawning. “I don’t
think I’ve seen it since we were engaged.”

Spike chuckled, tightening his hold on her, unable to believe that she was
really lying in his arms of her own free will.

“Get some rest,” he said softly.

“I can’t,” she mumbled sleepily. “My mom is probably worried about me.”

“You need rest, Goldilocks,” he said, playing with the long strands of hair.
“Sleep for an hour and I’ll wake you up, alright?”

Not strong enough to argue, Buffy merely nodded, breathing a sigh of relief
as she held onto Spike. Her eyes briefly opened when she felt a low
rumbling run through her before smiling when she realized he was purring.
Closing her eyes again, Buffy soon drifted to sleep, comforted by the calm
vibration running through her.

* * * * *

“Mom?” Buffy called, walking into the house a few hours later.

“Buffy,” Joyce said with a sigh of relief, walking down the stairs. “I’ve
been worried sick. Is Spike okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Buffy apologized, giving her mother a hug. “Spike’s okay…now.”

“Now? What happened?” Joyce asked in concern as they walked into the living
room, sitting down on the couch.

“Riley,” Buffy said softly. “Riley beat him up and…I hate to think this,
but it looked like he left him for the sunrise.”

Joyce gasped, her eyes widening at the implications. “Buffy, are you sure?”

“I’m not sure of anything anymore,” Buffy said, her voice strained with
exhaustion as she broke eye contact to run her hands through her hair.
“What?” she asked, looking at her mother in confusion when she felt Joyce’s
eyes on her.

“Were you attacked?”

“No. Why do you…”

Her hand unconsciously drifted to her neck as she looked down at the floor.

“So you saw,” she said sheepishly, biting her bottom lip and raising her
eyes to her mother’s.

“Spike?”

“He had to have blood,” Buffy reasoned.

“And I’m assuming this took place in his crypt.”

“Yeah,” Buffy replied skeptically, her eyes narrowing slightly as she
wondered what Joyce had up her sleeve.

“And he doesn’t have blood in his refrigerator?” she asked, fighting the
smirk that was threatening to play on her lips.

“I take it you don’t mind that a vampire fed on your daughter,” Buffy said,
leaning against the cushions of the couch.

“I’m assuming it was…consensual.”

Buffy blushed at her mother’s choice of words. “I thought he was going to
die, Mom.”

“I can understand that,” Joyce said with a nod. “You obviously have some
feelings for him and you wanted to take care of him. It’s perfectly
understandable. But you are okay?” she asked, letting the concerned mother
out.

“I’m fine,” Buffy said, a soft smile on her lips. “A little weak, but Spike let me rest
at the crypt.”

“I might just have to get Spike a cell phone,” Joyce said with a smile.

Buffy laughed, shaking her head in disbelief. “Amazing. I ask for one for
years and then just because I lose my hearing, you’re willing to get a
vampire a phone.”

“Well, you can’t very well use it, and I’d like to know you’re safe. Spike’s
been around for over one hundred years, so I’m assuming that he would know
how to use one.”

Rolling her eyes at her mother, Buffy stood up. “I’m going to get some
rest. There’s a Scooby meeting tonight and I feel like I’m…well…quite
literally drained.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Joyce asked, studying her daughter’s face and
noticing that it was more pale than usual.

“I’ll be fine,” Buffy insisted. “Wake me up in a few hours?”

“Of course.”

* * * * *

Walking through the cemetery just after sunset, Buffy hesitantly knocked on
the crypt door and pushed it open. Spike stood up from his chair and seemed
more than a little surprised to see her there. “Something wrong, pet?” he
asked, hurrying over to her.

“No,” Buffy replied, shaking her head. “I just…well, there’s a Scooby
meeting tonight and I thought…never mind.”

“Buffy,” Spike said with a smile, grabbing her arm before she could leave.
“You want me to go?”

“I just…I would feel better if you went with me.”

Realizing a moment too late that she’d said the wrong thing, Buffy opened
her mouth to take back the statement as Spike’s eyes hardened.

“Don’t need you to protect me, Slayer,” he said in a low voice.

“I-I know,” she said, wishing she could rephrase but knowing that Spike
wouldn’t forget that easily. With a heavy sigh, Buffy realized that it was
probably just better to give up on it. “Never mind,” she murmured, pulling
her arm out of his grasp and turning for the door.

“Buffy.”

Hearing his voice, she closed her eyes, trying to ward off the feelings. It
was the only sound she could hear, so of course she responded to it.
Turning to face him before walking through the door, Buffy stared at him for
a moment. “What?” she finally asked in exasperation.

Not saying a word, Spike closed the distance between them before pulling
Buffy flush against him and crushing his lips to hers. Eagerly kissing him
back for a moment, she soon found herself getting lost in the sensations.

Reluctantly pulling away and feeling a profound sense of loss at the lack of
contact, Buffy offered him a tentative smile. “I better go,” she said,
breathing heavily from the simple exertion of the kiss.

Not letting her go, Spike looked into her eyes, studying her for a long
moment until Buffy began to fidget beneath his gaze.

“Can I go now?”

“Do you really want me to come with you?”

“I did,” she admitted. “But since you obviously don’t want to go, I’m going
to be late if I don’t-“

His lips once again found hers, and Buffy got lost in the feel of him. His
tongue gently brushed against hers as her hands made their way into his
hair. Pulling back once more, Buffy felt lightheaded, gasping for air.

“I missed you today,” he whispered, his breath so close to her that it was sending
chills racing through her body.

“I wasn’t gone very long,” she murmured, watching her hands reach up to play
along the strong muscles of his chest.

“Too long,” he replied, staring into her eyes for a moment before grabbing
his duster. “What are we waiting for, pet? We’re going to be late.”

Buffy blinked at the sudden, abrupt change of topic. “You’re going?” she
asked, tilting her head to study him.

“Well, yeah,” he said with a grin. “I need my girl to keep me safe, now
don’t I?”

The smug look on his face caused Buffy to narrow her eyes at him before
disappearing through the door.

“Wait up, Goldilocks,” he called, chasing after her. “You didn’t think I
would actually pass up spending time with you, did you?” he asked, smiling
when she turned to look at him.

“Well…when you put it that way, it’s hard to stay frustrated with you.”

“All part of my master plan,” Spike replied with a raised eyebrow.

Buffy rolled her eyes as they continued toward the Magic Box. Spike could
feel the tension rolling off of her in waves and longed to put an end to it.

“Look, pet…I know you’re worried about your mates finding out about…whatever
this is between us- I’ll keep it quiet.”

“That’s not what I was worried about,” she admitted softly.

“It’s not?”

Shaking her head, Buffy took a deep breath, her eyes nervously darting
around the area before coming to a decision. Taking a step closer to Spike
as they walked, Buffy avoided his eyes as she casually reached out for his
hand, intertwining their fingers together in a tender gesture.

Looking down at their joined hands, Spike felt his heart swell. He didn’t
think it was possible to love this woman more than he already did, but the
simple gesture of taking his hand was not lost on him. She wasn’t the
Slayer right now. She was simply a girl who was nervous around someone she
liked, and Spike wasn’t about to ridicule or tease her about the thoughtful
gesture.

Bringing her hand up to his lips, she visibly relaxed when he tenderly
kissed the back of it before continuing toward the shop. After a few
minutes, Buffy glanced at Spike out of the corner of her eye, smiling when
she saw him looking back at her.

“Have I ever told you thank you?” she asked, turning toward him.

“Can’t rightly recall, pet.”

“Well, if I haven’t…thank you.”

Applying a little bit of pressure to her hand in a gentle squeeze, Spike
gave her a soft smile. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”


 

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