Chapter 31:

Buffy entered her house, feeling both relieved that her and William had come to an agreement regarding their relationship and yet, forlorn.

Forlorn, she realized, because she missed him. Which was ridiculous considering she'd just been with him, but . . . but she missed spending the weekend with him. Missed lounging in his apartment or walking around Boston holding hands and talking and eating out . . . Yeah, but this was good for her. For them. Wasn't it?

"She returns."

Buffy peered in the living room to see her father sitting in 'his' chair, which was a raggedy old gray EZ-boy, with his feet up. He was smiling at her, "How was girls night out?"

She inwardly grimaced, "Fine," she said brightly.

"Have you seen William at all?" he asked easily.

Entering the living room she cocked her head to the side as she regarded him. "Why?"

He shrugged and picked up the remote, flicking stations, "Just wondering."

"And if I have?"

He smiled up at her, "I'm not going to - how would you put it? - 'flip out' on you for seeing him. I'm past that."

"You are? I mean, really."

He nodded, "I am. Really."

She sat down on the couch, hoping he'd elaborate. He put the TV on mute and looked at her, somewhat sheepishly. "You want me to elaborate on that?"

She grinned, "Yup."

He took a deep breath and turned his body slightly toward her.

"Wait, where's Mom?" Buffy asked suddenly.

"Groceries."

"Gotcha."

"Okay, so you and William . . . Look, Buffy, I know the way I reacted to it was not the best. It was well; it was kind of ridiculous to get as angry as I did. It's just that . . . Buffy, you're my little girl. You always have been and you always will be, there's just no getting around that.
I love you and if I push you sometimes it's only because I want the best for you. My parents pushed me and I push you the way they pushed me. It was how I learned to go after what I wanted, how I became successful. I've seen it more and more over the past few years how much you're like me. And part of being your father is wanting even more for your child. I want you to be better than me. At everything.
I think William is a wonderful man. God knows he's been a good friend to me over the years. It's just one thing for your best friend to be dating your daughter whom you love more than anything in the world. The age difference, the fact that you're still in school . . . I got worried. I know William is at the point in his life where he wants to settle down and have a family; I just don't want him to put that pressure on you. I don't want you to have to sacrifice your dreams and goals for someone else's dreams and goals that are different from yours at the present moment.
On the same end, I know that William is a good man and that he wouldn’t purposely push you into anything you weren’t comfortable with. And if he did, well, he’d have me to contend with.”

Buffy smiled.

"I accept your relationship with William, Buffy. I can see how much he truly loves you.”

Buffy nodded, looking down thoughtfully, "Yeah, I know."

"Do you love him?" Hank asked lightly, almost cautiously.

"I don't know, Dad."

"You don't know? Does William know you don't know?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"And we're taking a break."

"I see. Honey, I'm not going to push you into anything. You're hard headed like me, so it's not like you're going to listen to what I have to say. But I say if you need to take some time, then take it. Don't rush into things too fast. I'm not going to sit here and tell you to grab hold of your relationship and don't let go because it might not be there tomorrow. I'm telling you grab onto life and don't let go. Do you understand?"

Buffy nodded, smiling in understanding. "All too well, Dad, all too well. I think that's where I'm at right now. Things with William happened so fast and it was like I didn't have a chance to catch my breath from it all. It never sunk in, you know? So now I'm feeling like the dust is settling, but I'm not settled. Not like I thought I would be."

Her father grinned at her. "You remind me of your mother too, you know. Your free spirit is just like hers."

"Good to know I get something from her," Buffy joked. Then turning serious, "Dad, about work-"

"Go back to Wesley. I was angry that day, I wasn't thinking. He's a good attorney and he'll teach you a lot."

"But Dad, if you need me-"


"If I need you, I know where you are."

She nodded, "Gotcha. So, how -"

He smiled, "Am I feeling? Fine. Just tired. I'm thinking I'll be able to go back within a week though. I've looked at some files and done some work-and thank you again for having Linsdey and Lilah take on some things. I'm lucky to have you as my daughter, you know that?"


Buffy beamed at him. "You are lucky. Damn lucky."

Hank chuckled and looked over her head towards the window, "Your mother is home-"

"I'm on it!" Buffy said and jumped up, rushing to help her mom carry the groceries in.



"Have you seen William lately?" Joyce asked conversationally as Buffy helped her make dinner. Pasta; something easy Buffy could handle. Currently she was making the garlic bread.

"I have," Buffy said non- committaly.

"And? How are you two?"

"Fine." She knew it was driving her mother crazy that she wasn't divulging, but Buffy didn't care. She was enjoying being evasive for that reason alone. That's what she gets for prying, Buffy thought.

"Everything is well then?"

"Yup."

"All right, listen brat, I know you're doing this on purpose, so just tell me what's going on already."

Buffy burst out laughing, "That didn't take too long."

Joyce looked over at her sternly, though her eyes were twinkling in laughter.

Buffy shrugged and turned back to the bread, sprinkling the garlic over it lightly. "We're on a break," she mumbled.

"What?"

"We're on a break," Buffy said louder this time.

"What on earth for?" she sounded upset.

Buffy looked over at her, giving her a 'are you being serious?' look. "Because I don't know how I feel about him," she mumbled again.

"What?"

Buffy let out a sigh in annoyance, "Because I don't know how I feel about him!"

"You don't need to shout."

"Well, you're not hearing me."

"Because your mumbling."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Anything else you want to know?"

"How are you unsure?"

Buffy stopped and turned to her, "How many levels on unsureness are there? I'm not certain that I feel the same way for him as he feels for me."

"He loves you," Joyce stated.

"Yes."

"And you don't know if you love him?"

"Right," Buffy said, nodding.

"Oh Buffy. What are you thinking? You do love him, honey, I can see it.”

That annoyed Buffy. If there was one thing she couldn’t stand aside from being told ‘No’ it was being told how she felt, or what she was thinking. How did they know?

“Gee, Mom, I’m so glad I talked to you about this because otherwise I would never have guessed how I felt. I feel as though a light has dawned! Let me call William right away and tell him that thanks to my mother telling me how I feel, I now have see the light!” Buffy bit out sarcastically.

Joyce narrowed her eyes at her, “All right, I get your point.”

“Do you really?”

“I want to see you happy, Buffy. Is that a crime?”

”No, it’s not. It’s a crime when I feel like William is being shoved down my throat and you’re not listening to me and understanding how I feel here. You don’t have to agree with how I feel or what I’m doing, but you can at least try to understand it from my perspective.”

Joyce sighed and leaned back against the counter, giving Buffy her full attention. “Tell me, let me help.”

“I don’t think it’s something you can necessarily help me with. I think it’s something I’ve got to figure out on my own.”

“And how does William feel about this?”

Thinking back to his outburst, Buffy sighed, “He’s frustrated. And I don’t blame him, I really don’t. I’m frustrated too.”

“What have you told him?”

“That I need time to figure things out.”

Joyce nodded slowly, thoughtfully. “Like how you feel.”

“Right.”

“What do you feel for him?”

Buffy sighed heavily and paused, thinking. “I feel happy when I’m with him and lonely when I’m not. But, when I’m with him, I also feel overwhelmed and it’s that overwhelming feeling that frightens me.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s . . . . it’s scary.”

“Do you think that’s because it’s new? Different? Falling in love doesn’t feel safe Buffy. It feels wild and fun, and out of control at times. It’s heady and exciting and hopefully you’re with a man that you know you can be safe with. Do you feel safe with William?”

Thinking of how he was the person she wanted when she felt sick the night before, she nodded.

“Do you think it’s the finality of finding your soulmate that has you frightened Buffy?”

The word “final” caused Buffy to start. Perhaps that was it? Perhaps that was the root of her discomfort – and besides hadn’t she just told him the night before that she wanted to be able to do the stupid things he got to do at her age? And her father had told her to essentially live.

He makes you feel alive, a voice in Buffy’s head told her, and you can’t ignore that.

Joyce stared at her. “Buffy, you keep him away for too long and you’ll lose him. He loves you and if you’re not careful, you’re going to push him clear out of your life.”

“I’m done with the bread,” Buffy mumbled, feeling the stab of her mother’s words in her heart. “I’m gonna go to the library for a while.”

If possible, she was more confused than ever. And frightened. Her father told her to live her life and enjoy it while she could and her mother was basically telling her she was stupid for ‘taking a break’ from William and trying to figure her life out.

Now what?
 

Chapter 32:

William felt that at least part of his world was right with Buffy being back to work with him. And, since Dru was now gone and he was on the search for a new full time paralegal, Buffy was able to take on some of his work. He felt at peace being able to see her everyday. He felt that by seeing him, he’d stay in her mind and possibly in her heart. He knew he was there, in some capacity at least. He just wanted to stay there. He wanted to be in her system the same way she was in his.

The few days leading up to their date had been quiet. Which he felt they both needed. She’d spent the time getting back into the routine of school, work and homework. No more playing catch up, just settling back into her routine. Buffy was a creature of comfort and when she felt out of the realm of her comfort zone she felt, as she put it, ‘wonky’.

He certainly did too. He felt as if he’d been on a roller coaster ride since Hank’s heart attack. And now, he felt as if his heart was under attack. Though, there was nothing he could do but be patient. Which, considering he was not a patient man, was laughable. But, he had to learn now, didn’t he? And while it was killing him to not know his place with Buffy, he also felt grateful that instead of shoving him completely away, she’d worked something out with him instead. It was a step in the right direction as far as he was concerned. Perhaps she didn’t know it, but it was a sign of maturity as well.

He kept to his guns – she loved him, she just needed to figure it out for herself. When she did, oh, when she did, they’d never be apart again. Buffy wasn’t a short term fling kind of girl. She was the long haul girl and William felt it so strongly in his bones that she was the One that it was what kept his head above water, it was what kept him strong in giving Buffy this time to figure out her head and her heart.

Now, sitting with her in the movie, he reveled in the fact that it was her who sought his touch by slinging her arm through his. He had given himself a firm talking to before coming to pick her up. He would not push for anything, he would not initiate contact. He would leave it in her hands.

If she felt out of control, then he’d give her control. And really, could he blame her at all if that was how she felt? It was hard to feel in control when things happened that were out of your control. Part of being overwhelmed was feeling out of control wasn’t it? He could understand to a point how she could feel that way. Looking back on his actions and his passionate declarations to her, he had been a bit . . . maybe smothering was too strong a word, but close to that. He’d fallen and seen forever; he assumed she was right there with him. It was a mistake he often made; projecting his feelings onto others. Besides, he’d been in love before, she hadn’t. She was like a newborn when it came to love and adult relationships. Buffy needed to get her sea legs, feel her own power in the relationship because she felt he’d taken control over it completely, not leaving her with any choice.

God, if she only knew how much power she did have. She pretty much has it all, he thought bemusedly. She just doesn’t realize it. Though perhaps she did after he had that outburst the previous weekend. Maybe that power frightened her too. It was such a precarious situation.

Then there was Joyce and Hank. That night when he’d picked her up; he’d been ushered in by Joyce who told him with some urgency not to let her go and then told by Hank when Buffy had disappeared to get her jacket, to be patient with her. That pretty much summed up all his inner turmoil. On the one hand he was all about feeling urgent and wanting to hold on and not let her go, while on the other hand, he kept telling himself to be patient.

At dinner, before the movie, he brought the subject up.

“Buffy,” he started with trepidation.

She slid the forkful of prime rib out of her mouth and looked at him, “Mmm?”

“Have you spoken with your parents about us?”

She frowned slightly, “Unfortunately, yes.”

He couldn’t help the chuckle that escape, “Unfortunately, how?”

She chewed thoughtfully and after swallowing, she regarded him thoughtfully. “Well, I’m glad that my father approves of us.”

“Yes, that is a good thing,” he agreed.

“I guess my dad is actually better about it than my mother. My mother . . . she’s a pushy woman, did you know that?”

“I’ve had a few experiences with that, yes.”


“It’s annoying. I’ve decided to block them out. Especially considering if it’s true that my father was having an affair, well, it’s not like their relationship is exactly healthy you know? There are things to be learned from both sides—“

“Spoken like an attorney,” William beamed at her.

She smiled, “—But, figuring stuff out in my life can only be done by me.”


“Yes, but it doesn’t help to talk things out once in a while, get other perspectives. Just as long as you listen to yourself.”

Buffy nodded, “’To thine own self be true’. Right?”

He smiled. ”Right.”

Settling her fork down, she set her elbows on the table and rested her chin in her hands. “Tell me a story, William.”

“What kind of story?” he asked, eyes twinkling.

“About you when you were a kid. What was your favorite toy? What was your favorite game? Did you have an imaginary friend?”


He grinned, “Of course I had an imaginary friend. Didn’t you?”

Buffy giggled, “I did. His name was Ralph.”


William laughed, “Ralph? Did you know someone named Ralph?”

She shook her head, “I think I got the name from The Honeymooners. My mom used to watch the reruns in the afternoon. I think I even told ‘Ralph’ I was going to send him to the moon a few times,” she giggled again and he found it infectious.

“Well, I think my imaginary friend’s name was Barry—“

Buffy burst out laughing, “Barry? And you made fun of Ralph?”

“Well, I think he was pretty nameless until my Da asked me whatever possessed me to paint polka dots on the cat one day and I had to think fast. Barry was what I came up with.”

Buffy laughed, “You painted polka dots on the cat?”

“I did,” he said, grinning.

The rest of the dinner was filled with story telling and laughter. To William, it was a revelation. This was her favorite part of spending time with him; the talking. Well, if she didn’t love him, she wouldn’t care to know so much about him, would she? And she had used the word love when it came to expressing how much she enjoyed talking with him. She’d said she loved it. He couldn’t very many women who wanted to know the little things about him such as his imaginary friend. But Buffy, his girl, she wanted to know. Because she cared.

No, because she loved him.

And now, her arm was through his as they watched the movie and William felt peace settle over him; felt that everything was going to be all right.

**************************

“Oh Jesus, what are you doing here?” Buffy asked, not bothering to contain the bitterness in her voice as Faith plopped herself down across from her and Willow the following night back once again at ‘Envy’.

“Free country, B. I’m allowed to be in the same place as your highness.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”

“Look, I just thought I’d come over and make nice.”

Buffy raised a brow suspiciously, “Oh really?”

Faith shrugged, “You’re not that bad once you’re done being so uptight,” She sat back, stacking her hands behind her head and puffing her ample bosom out from underneath her purple halter. “I flipped out on you for asking an innocent question. And, as part of trying to grow as a person,” with that she rolled her eyes, “I figure I’d apologize and tell you since you seemed so curious to know what happened.”

Buffy stared at her. “You want to tell me?”

Faith nodded, “Yeah.” She darted a look at Willow.

Willow got up, “I’m gonna go get a drink. You want, Buffy?”

Faith grinned, “Yeah, Buffy, you want?”

Buffy gave Faith a stern look and then looked up at Willow and smiled, “I’ll just have a Coke.” She looked back at Faith, “Just a Coke.”

Faith shrugged her indifference.

When Willow had gone, Buffy turned back to Faith. “So this is out of the kindness of your heart?”

“Something like that. I guess you could say I see how you and I are a little alike.”

Buffy could see it in a way. But in a small way. Faith was a side of her that Buffy wished she could bring out but her feelings of having to be responsible got in the way.

Her curiosity was getting the better of her though. She did want to know what happened to Faith to make her so anti love. “All right,” Buffy said and waited for Faith to start.

“See, I was involved with this guy, Robin Wood, back in Everett. He’s the principal at the high school.”

Buffy’s eyes widened, “Wow, how much older is he than you?”

“Throwing stones, B? William is how old?”

“I didn’t mean it like that, F.” She took pause, “Well, maybe a little. I always pictured principals as old, old.”

“He was about the same age as your man when I started dating him.”

“Oh. Okay.”

”And I was a senior in high school.”

Buffy’s jaw dropped and her eyes widened. “Okay, I didn’t expect that.”

Faith grinned, “No one does.”

“Did anyone find out?”

Faith shook her head, “No, but when it ended, I threatened to tell. I never did. Couldn’t bring myself to do it no matter how much I fucking hated him.”

Buffy narrowed her eyes inquisitively, “Hated, or still loved?”

Faith snorted, “That’s what I love about you B. Everything is romance and flowers. You should have seen the look on your face when I suggested that Willy was just using you for sex.”

Buffy’s temper flared again at that comment, which she supposed was Faith’s plan. She kept her mouth shut, not wanting to let the girl know she just aggravated her all over again.

“I loved him,” Faith said softly, leaning forward. “He was my world.”

Buffy had a hard time believing this tough girl had made anyone her world.

“I was eighteen when we got together before your panties get in a twist over there about it being improper.”

Buffy held up a hand in surrender. “Not saying a word.”

“Good thing. So, we started out just having really good sex, which was fine by me for a while, but then things changed.”

“You fell in love with him.”

“Yes. And things were good, ya know? I was happy, he was happy. My parents were thrilled, well, to a point anyway. My Dad was the mayor at the time and he and Robin knew each other well and liked each other. So, my Dad was thinking that Robin was giving me direction and that I’d finally settle and stop being such a wild child.”

“What happened?”

“He dumped me.”

“Why?”

“He found a woman closer to his age. Someone that he could ‘settle down with’. I was too young for him all of a sudden. He gave me this crap about me needing to live my life and find my own way and that he’d just hold me back. In actuality, I was holding him back. He convinced himself somewhere in there that it was improper. I was with him while I was still in school, and yet suddenly when I was free and out, then it was improper.”

“What happened then?”

“I begged him not to leave.”

Buffy was stunned once again. Faith was not the begging kind.

“He wouldn’t, obviously. I asked him if when I was done ‘living’, could I come back to him. He said no. I tried to tell him that I was truly living with him, not without him.” She sat back, a sad expression on her painted face. “Last I heard he got married to someone his own age and his wife was expecting twins.”

“I’m sorry that happened—“ Buffy started.

Faith waved her off. “It’s over.”

“But it’s not. You’re hurting still.”

Faith’s eyes flashed, “I’ll get over it.” She looked to the dance floor. “Starting now.” Looking back at Buffy, she grinned, “Wanna dance?”

“Willow—“

“Will find us and can join us. Come on. Let’s go live.”

Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly

Just in time, Willow came up and set their drinks down. “Where ya goin’?”

“Dance, come on,” Buffy said and took Willow’s arm before she could protest and dragged her out to the floor, following behind Faith.

***********************************
Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

William told himself he wasn’t coming to the club to check up on Buffy. No, he was going to have a drink, play some pool, that’s it. That was all. He wouldn’t even look to the floor to see what his girl was up to.

Yeah, right.

His eyes traveled to the floor, his feet having beaten the path to the edge of the dance floor, not even bothering to get that drink first.

She was there, on the dance floor, glorious and radiant. She was dancing as if she hadn’t a care in the world.

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun
I'm caught up
I don't know what to do

Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
I don't know what to do

William’s smile of adoration quickly fell when he recognized Faith with her. What the hell—

And now boys. Leering boys swarming around his girl. Faith said something to her and laughed and Buffy turned and smiled shyly at one of those leering boys.

William left and Spike came out full throttle.

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you

Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

All his goodwill from the night before, the very night before left. He’d thought she was so close, and she’d promised there would be no other men. And here she was, flirting!

************************************
“B, I know you see them and pretending not to,” Faith said to Buffy and laughed as Buffy turned red.

Yeah, Buffy saw the boys getting closer, she just didn’t want them closer. She wanted them gone. She wasn’t dancing for their benefit; she was dancing for hers. She looked over at them, not really seeing them. She thought of William and how he loved to see her dance. She smiled at the thought of what her dancing often led to.

Ring ring ring goes the telephone
The lights are on but there's no-one home
Tick tick tock it's a quarter to two
And I'm done
I'm hanging up on you

She was letting the beat take her over. Not a care in the world, feeling free –

**********************
”What the bloody hell are you doing?” Spike demanded, grabbing Buffy’s arm and spinning her to him.

Buffy looked at him in surprise. “Will, what are you doing here?”

“Watching my girl flirt with other men.”

“I’m not—“

He wasn’t listening, “We’re gonna talk. Now”

“Hey, she’s just having some fun. She’s not even flirting with those guys,“ Faith interrupted. “Back off, Willy.”

Spike glared at her and stalked off with Buffy. He brought them outside. “This is what you plan to do on your break? Flirt with other men and get into some more trouble with Faith?”
Buffy shook her head, “No, I wasn’t flirting William. I was just dancing for Christ’s Sake. It’s not like I invited them out onto the floor. Faith and I had a talk and—“

“So you’re best buds now?” he asked sarcastically.

“What is your deal?” she asked, annoyed.

I can't keep on waiting for you
I know that you're still hesitating
Don't cry for me
'cause I'll find my way
you'll wake up one day
but it'll be too late

“Were you checking up on me?” she asked him, eyes narrowing.

“No,” he bit out.

“You’re lying.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “I can’t do this Buffy. I thought I could, but I can’t. If this,” he gestured to the closed door of Envy, “is what you do when you’re ‘free’, I can’t do it. I can’t.”

“I’m not doing anything. I was dancing, that’s it. I’m not allowed to dance?”

“You’re allowed to – it’s not about that Buffy!”

“Then what is it about?” she shouted back at him.

“It’s,” he gestured between them, “this. It’s hard and I thought I had no reason to worry, but now I do—“

“William, I told you there would be no other men. There isn’t. I don’t want other men.”

He shook his head, “I can’t do it Buffy. I can’t sit by and wait for you and worry that I’ll lose you.”

“You haven’t lost me. It’s your own damn insecurities that make you think you have. Maybe if you had some faith in me—“

“Like you have in me?” he asked pointedly.

She glared at him, “I do have faith in you.”

“To bail you out. Was that the plan for later? Call me when you can’t get home?”

“No, actually, it wasn’t. I’m not even drinking. I told Faith no.”

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

“I didn’t want to do this before and I still don’t, but I think it’s for the best –“

“You want to break up,” she said softly.

“No, I don’t want to. I have to. You wanted to be free, I’m setting you free.”

“I don’t want to be set free, I want to . . . I want to . . . “ she broke off frustrated that she couldn’t articulate what it was she really wanted.

“To be with me and be free to do what you please with whom you please.”

“There are no other men.”

“That didn’t look it in there—“

“God what is with you? Why can’t you trust me? Do you honestly think I would do that?”

“Buffy, I want you. I want you with me and this separation is killing me!”

“We had fun last night, didn’t we? I thought we had fun—“

He nodded, “We did. But I can’t stop myself from seeking you out and wanting to see you and –“

“Checking up on me.”

He didn’t say anything.

“Then it seems there’s a problem of trust too. You don’t trust me and it’s my fault of course because of the break. Would the trust issue have come out later, if there had been no break I wonder?”

”Buffy—“

“No. You want me ‘free’, then fucking fine. I’m free. And now so are you.” With that, she stalked off, leaving him standing there. With tears coursing down her cheeks, she made her way back to Faith and Willow.

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you


**Sony called "Hung Up" by Madonna**
 

Chapter 33:

William regretted it all as soon as he’d entered his penthouse. That’s when it hit him. She was gone.



And what really stuck in his craw was that it hadn’t been Buffy that had pushed them to it, it had been him. All this time he’d been worried that she’d break it off, that she was slipping through his fingers – and he’d been the one to push her to leave. In fact, it was him that said he couldn’t do it anymore.



Hadn’t the break been about them still being together in some capacity – enough for her to figure her head and heart out to ultimately stay with him?



And he’d been the one to push her to leave.



All his stupid jealousy – he’d really gone too far that time and could he really blame her? Deep down he knew, he knew, Buffy would never cheat on him. Would never lie to him. It wasn’t in her nature to do so. It was one of the things he loved most about her.



Now . . . he shuddered. Now she had free reign to go out with any bloody git that crossed her path. No, Buffy was not like that. She wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t.



Would she?



The image of Buffy smiling at those boys popped in his mind and his fists clenched automatically. No, no knew his girl. Buffy wasn’t like that. She was an innocent – well, until he’d come along anyway. She wouldn’t commit herself to anyone unless she was sure of them.



Did she realize it now? Did she see it? Did she regret it all as much as he did? Did she want him back? Or was she too angry with him?



He started for the door, ready to go out and find her, ready to talk it out and be rational about it.



No, he thought, his hand on the door. No. Stop and think. Stop and be cool about this. You go after her and you’ll drive her away. She was overwhelmed before by your intensity and you’d just unleashed the green monster on her; going after now and making her talk to you will only drive her further away.



Best to let things cool down.



William pushed himself to move away from the door. He sat on the couch, keys still in hand, jacket on, and he sat in the silence and waited. Waited. For what, he wasn’t sure anymore.



And that’s when the tears came.


****************************************************


“What did I just do?” Buffy cried to Willow and Faith.



“Seemed to me he was askin’ for it,” Faith said easily.



Buffy turned tear filled eyes to Faith, “What?”



“Well, wasn’t he the one that said he couldn’t do it anymore? Sounds pretty straight forward to me, B.”



Tears spilt and Buffy’s bottom lip quivered, “I didn’t want to break up with him!”



“You both need some time to cool off. He just went caveman on you Buffy. He was being completely irrational. You weren’t doing anything wrong, you were just dancing,” Willow told her calmly, handing her some napkins.



Buffy wiped at her eyes. “He did overreact,” she reasoned.



“Ya think?” Faith jumped in. “Imagine this for a sec—“



“This should be good,” Willow said dryly.



Faith shot her a look and then focused on Buffy, “Picture this: You’re together with William and you go out and say some dude talks to you – something stupid like ‘Hey you spilled your drink’. But William sees it from afar as you’re walking back to him from the bar. You think he’s going to be as calm about it then as he was tonight? I think not, B. That’s crap, man. You don’t need that overly possessive crap. He was outta line.”



“I think Faith has a point, Buffy,” Willow said gently. “He was out of line with his jealousy. You weren’t doing anything wrong. I can see if you were letting one of those guys touch you and you were grinding to the music with them but all you did was smile--and it wasn’t even an inviting smile, it was just a smile.”



“I think it’s been building,” Buffy said softly, and then sniffled. “I think he reached his breaking point.” A fresh batch of tears started, “I drove him to it. Me and my stupidity. Me and my confusion—“



“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Faith said, leaning in to Buffy. “Just because he’s been around for a few years longer and he knows what he wants and has decided that it’s you, does not mean that it’s your fault for not being sure.”



“But if I love him, it shouldn’t be this hard—“ Buffy protested.



“Buffy, life is hard. Why should love be any different? Hell, love is harder. If the intensity you were overwhelmed with before is anything like I just saw tonight, then I think you have every damn right to need a break.”



“Maybe William and I just aren’t meant to be together,” Buffy said mournfully.



“Just let things cool down a bit, Buffy,” Willow said, handing her more napkins. “Things have a way of working themselves out.”



I drove him to it, Buffy thought sadly.


*************************************************


The next day wasn’t any better for Buffy. Well, not by much anyway. She flip flopped between complete and utter misery – feeling as if she’d lost an appendage – to being angry.



It just so happened that William came by at the moment when she was in the middle of being angry with him.



She opened the door to find him standing there, looking bedraggled and tired. Good, hope he had a crappy night’s sleep like I did, she thought.



“What?” she said.



“Your mother invited me over for dinner,” he told her softly.



“Of course she did, why wouldn’t she?” Buffy said, annoyed. Stepping aside she gestured for him to enter. “Come on in.”



“William! There you are,” Joyce gushed, coming from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dish cloth. “Come on in. Surprise, Buffy, I called William over.” She looked proud of herself.


Buffy wanted to wring her neck. And then William’s for accepting the invitation.



“Why don’t you settle William into the living room and I’ll get him a drink. What would you like, William?”



“I have an idea. Why don’t you settle him in and I’ll get the drink? As a bonus, I’ll even get Dad. Beer, William?”



He nodded forlornly and Buffy took off, muttering evil things directed at her mother under her breath all the way to the kitchen.



“Buffy? What’s going on?”



Buffy looked over from the fridge to see her Dad coming in. “I heard voices,” he continued. “We have company?”



“Did you fall asleep, Daddy?”



Hank nodded sheepishly. “I did. I managed to get some work done first though.”



Buffy smiled at her father. “Mom’s playing matchmaker. William’s here for dinner.”



Hank stared at her. “Are you all right, pumpkin?”



Her eyes welled up in tears, “Why’d you have to go and ask me that?”



“What happened?”



Buffy shook her head, “Nothing, I’m just . . . overtired. I don’t want to get into it right now.”



“Is it William?”



“Dad,” she said on a pleading whine.



“Okay, okay, I won’t push.”



“Thank you.”



“Here, let me take the beer in to him, okay?”



“Promise not to say anything to him?” Buffy implored her father.



He sighed, “I promise.”



“He’s your friend, not just the guy I’m,” not “dating.”



Hank nodded, “Yes dear.”



She laughed, “Don’t ‘yes dear’ me like you do mom!”



Hank laughed. “What do you want to do right now, Buffy?”



The tears came back with a vengeance, “I want to leave.”



“Then go. I’ll cover for you.”



Rushing to him, she kissed his cheek, “Thank you.”



“We’ll talk later?”



She knew he wasn’t just asking, he meant it as an order.


”Yeah, we’ll talk later.”



“Go on then. Wait, where are you going to go?”



“I don’t know, Willow’s, the park, the library. Somewhere.”



“Okay, be careful.”



“I will.”


**************************************************


Buffy braced herself entering the house. Thankfully, Hank was the one that greeted her when she strolled in.



“Where’s Mom?” Buffy whispered to him.



“Taking a bath,” he whispered back. “Come on, we’ll go to my study.”



That was a privilege not easily bestowed, Buffy noted. This was going to be one serious talk!



Entering the office, he flicked on the light in the small burgundy room with the one desk a few chairs, a computer, a filing cabinet, one window down at the far end, and a few Monet’s hanging on the walls.



Buffy sat down on the swivel chair and her Dad took a seat behind the desk, facing her. She grinned at the move. She supposed that was where he felt most comfortable.



“How was dinner?” Buffy asked.



“Quiet. A tad strained. What happened with you two?”



“We broke up.”



“Why?”



“He saw me last night dancing and there were guys around me, but I wasn’t dancing with any of them and he saw me smile of all things and he went into this jealous rage.”



Hank started, “Did he hurt you?”



She gave him an ‘are you kidding?’ look. “Dad, of course not. William wouldn’t do that.”



Hank sighed, “I know, but when you use a word like ‘rage’ . . . “



Buffy giggled. “Thank you.”



“For?” Hank asked, smiling slightly.



“For making me laugh.”



“Aw, pumpkin. What happened after the ‘rage’?”



“He said it was too hard, the break we’re on, and basically he doesn’t trust me.” She stared past her father at the wall.



“You’re trying not to cry,” Hank told her.



Her eyes snapped to him, “Yeah.”



“So you weren’t dancing with those guys?”



“No. I was dancing with Willow and Faith.”



“And the boys were, uh, crowding around you?”



She nodded, “I wasn’t even paying attention to them. I wanted them to go away. That attention makes me uncomfortable.”



“But he saw you smile at them?”



Buffy rolled her eyes, “Yeah, God forbid I smile. I wasn’t even smiling at them. I was thinking of William actually.”



“Did you tell him that?”



“No, I didn’t. He wasn’t listening to me when I told him for the thousandth time that there wasn’t any other men and that I didn’t want any other man.”



Hank nodded, “He has a jealousy problem.”



“No shit,” Buffy muttered.



Hank shot her stern look.



Buffy sat up straighter. “Sorry.”



“He is hurting, that much I can tell,” Hank told her. “Don’t you think you should talk to him?”



“Yes, I do think I should. I just couldn’t do it today Dad. Not with Mom shoving him down my throat and feeling so angry and upset and . . . I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t sit there and pretend that everything was okay when I wanted to scream and cry at the same time and Mom would just get upset with me . . . “



“I know, Buffy.”



She rubbed her eyes with the palm of her hands. “I never should have come home.”



“You mean—?”



“From California.”



“Ah, I see.”



“You know why I came back, don’t you Dad?”



He studied her, sitting back in his chair. “I think so.”



“So? Were you?”



“Was I what?”



“Having an affair.”



He sighed heavily and looked down. “Buffy . . . “



“Dad, if you want me to act like an adult, then talk to me like one. Just be straight with me, please”



He looked up at her, “Yes, Buffy I was.”



She looked away from him, feeling anger toward him. “How could you?”



“You don’t know the whole story, Buffy,” he said strictly.



“Then tell me the whole story.”



The door burst open and Joyce stood there in her bathrobe, glaring down at Buffy. “Well, her highness is home.”



Buffy rolled her eyes, “Here we go.”



“Don’t start young lady. You were very rude to have walked out like that on William—“



“Joyce, leave her alone,” Hank jumped in. “You don’t know the whole story.”



Joyce shot her glare to him, “And I suppose you do now?”



Hank said nothing.



Joyce looked to Buffy, “You can’t share with me?”



“I can, but . . . I don’t want to.”



Joyce’s hurt was visible. “Buffy, I want to help.”



“No, you want me to be with William no matter what. I don’t need that right now, Mom.”



Joyce sunk into a chair next to Buffy, “Honey, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I made it hard for you to come to me.”



Buffy nodded slowly. “Okay.”



“So, Buffy was just asking me about what was happening while she was away. Did you know she returned because she suspected something was going on?” Hank said, looking pointedly at Joyce.



Joyce froze. “Oh?”



Hank nodded.



“And? What have you told her?”



“She asked if I had an affair. I told her I had.”



Joyce fell silent, looking down at her hands.



“Am I missing something?” Buffy asked cautiously.



“I didn’t tell her anymore,” Hank continued. “Didn’t feel it was my place. Figured I only had to own up to my sins.”



Joyce looked up at him, her eyes filled with tears.



“What’s going on?” Buffy asked, fear rising within her.



Joyce looked at her, “You came home because you thought your dad was --?”



“I was worried,” Buffy explained, “You were drinking and Dad was always gone – I’m missing something here, aren’t I?”



Joyce nodded, “I had the affair first, Buffy.”



Buffy felt her body grow cold. “What?” she managed to whisper.



“I had the affair first.”



Buffy made like a guppy, but no sound came out.



“I found out about your mother’s affair and didn’t know what to do with myself. I turned to my secretary for comfort.”



“You mean revenge,” Buffy supplied.



“No, for comfort. She’s been with me for years; she saw that I was upset. Hurt. Angry. All of it, I was running the gamut of emotions and I couldn’t even look at your mother. I didn’t go to William because, well, I just couldn’t. I needed to talk to someone completely outside of your mother and I. She, my secretary, she gave me support. It was . . . it was emotional, Buffy. I never slept with her.”



“An emotional affair?” Buffy asked, her voice sounding weak.



“Yes,” Hank nodded.



“And I had ended the affair when your father found out,” Joyce explained, “I was wracked with guilt and I too was all those things—angry and hurt and . . . I couldn’t blame your father for being with her. We didn’t talk for a long time, we avoided each other. And yes, I did drink a lot. Not a shining moment for me.” She reached for Buffy’s hand and Buffy drew away. Joyce looked at her sadly. “We were like strangers living in the same house, both of us hurting, and not doing anything to fix it. When you came home, Buffy, we decided to give it a try. Not just for you, but for us.”



Buffy sat there, in a state of shock. “Oh my God,” she murmured.



“We started going to counseling a couple times during the week while you’re in school,” Hank said gently. “We didn’t want to tell you because we didn’t think it was important for you to know. Pumpkin, I suspected you knew something was up, and I knew you were angry with me when you arrived back home, but we didn’t want to burden you with our problems.”



“And you let me just be nasty to you, Dad. You covered for Mom,” Buffy said, in disbelief.



Hank smiled, “I do love your mother very much Buffy. I never stopped. We just needed to reaffirm it.”



“Why? Why did you do that?” Buffy asked, directing the question to Joyce.



“I wasn’t happy,” Joyce said truthfully. “Your father was working all the time and I was lonesome.”



“So you take up a hobby, you don’t cheat on your husband!” Buffy exclaimed.



“Honey, the reasons why aren’t important,” Joyce told her quietly. "Suffice it to say, we were both unhappy and not communicating. It wasn’t just me; it was both of us not working at our marriage. What I did . . . it was wrong, you are absolutely right. I have regretted it every day since.”



Buffy sat there, shaking her head slowly, “I don’t even know what to say.”



“Nothing to say, pumpkin,” Hank said, “Your mother and I are working on it. Together this time. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it when you love someone.”



“God, when it rains it pours in this family!” Buffy exclaimed and was surprised when Hank and Joyce burst out laughing.
 

Chapter 34:

Lying in bed that night, staring up at the ceiling and feeling wide-awake, Buffy mulled over all that her parents had told her. She was in a state of shock. Her mother had an affair! And all this time, she’d blamed her father, solely for their discord. Not that he wasn’t in the wrong by having an emotional affair, he most certainly was. But she could just imagine how he felt.



Lost. Hurt.



Had William felt that way when she’d put them on a break?



Rolling over, Buffy willed herself not to cry. The one person she wanted to call after the bomb had been dropped about her parents was William. She wanted to talk to him about it, get his thoughts on the matter; hear what he had to say. Try to make sense of it with him.



Her palms itched and she stared at the phone on her bedside table. How easy it was to pick up the phone, but how hard it was to actually call.



Shutting her eyes, Buffy willed herself to sleep. No matter how much it hurt, this was probably for the best.



She just wished her heart would stop aching.



**********************************************



William found himself staring out the window for the millionth time the following day. Monday. Two days since he and Buffy had split. Three days since he’d held her in his arms. One day since he’d seen her.



God, he missed her. And God, he was angry with her for walking out the night before. He wanted to shake her and make her talk to him. He entertained the idea of locking them up in a room together until they got everything out in the open and then ended up back together. He didn’t see that happening any time soon.



He glanced over at his clock. Two. Buffy should be arriving any minute now. He stood, ready to hunt her down when he heard her. Laughing. He smiled at the sound and followed the sound out of his office and down the hall. She had her back to him and Wesley was smiling down at her. If that wasn’t an indication of how amazing Buffy was, he didn’t know what was. The woman made uptight, prudish Wesley smile. And not a fake smile, a real smile.



“Ah, William, you come out of hiding,” Wesley said, by way of a greeting.



William smiled tightly at him, wanting to yell at the man for disclosing the fact that he’d been holed up in his office all day. Had he actually gotten any work done? Not much anyway.



Buffy turned slightly, “Hi William,” she said lightly. Her eyes did not reach up to his.



“Hi, Elizabeth,” he said deeply.



“Have you got any work for me?” she asked him, shifting from one foot to the other, frowning slightly.



“I – yes, I do. Why don’t you come with me --?”



“Um, sure,” she nodded. “Once I finish this, I’ll come and have you check it over okay Wesley?”



“Of course Buffy,” Wesley nodded and started for his office.



She followed behind him, silently. He could hear the shuffle of her feet. Unable to stand it much longer, he stopped, causing her to collide with him.



“Sorry!” she gasped and hugged the files she was carrying tighter to her.



“Are you?” he heard himself ask.



She bit her bottom lip and nodded, “Will, I don’t want to talk about it here . . . “



He nodded curtly and turned back down the hall.



Once inside his office, he gave her the rundown of what needed to be done and she made note of it all, asking a question here and there, but keeping it strictly business. No room for teasing, and small jokes over clients and other personal things. She was all business Buffy and he was all business William.



He hated it.



And when she had her work in hand, she looked up at him, “I hear you have an interview tomorrow for an assistant.”



He nodded, not trusting himself to talk, afraid of what might come out.



She looked down and nodded slightly. “Good, well, I’ll come back so you can look over the—“



“Of course,” he cut her off, briskly.



“Right,” she murmured and walked out, leaving the scent of lavender in her wake. He stood there for a long time after, just staring at the door she’d just left from.



****************************



Buffy was gathering her things and putting them in order when William slipped in the door and shut it.



She took pause, and settled her purse back down on the desk. “Hi,” she said and it sounded weak. She cleared her throat. “Is everything--?”



“Everything’s fine,” he said firmly. Then he let out a sigh, his shoulders sagging. “Buffy, we have to talk and I know you don’t want to do it here, but it is the end of the day and I – can we talk?”



She nodded, “Are you sure no one’s here?”



He smiled at her, slightly shy, “Dru’s not here anymore remember?”



She tossed him a small smile, “Yeah, good point.”



“Look, I’m sorry for the way I behaved. I just – I saw those guys all around you and I saw red.”



“Yeah, you did kind of act like an ass there.”



“It’s just with everything . . . I felt maybe I was going to lose you. That maybe the next step after a ‘break’ was going to be you leaving me for someone . . . someone . . . “ he stopped, shaking his head and letting out a growl of frustration.



“Someone my own age?” she supplied carefully.



He stood straighter, his eyes blazing, “Yeah, that.”



“William, I told you I there wasn’t going to be any other men. Did you think I was just blowing smoke up your ass?”



He didn’t say anything for a long while. “No,” he said finally, “I know you wouldn’t cheat on me.”



She studied him for a long moment. “I’m not Isabel.”



His eyes snapped to her, “What?”



She took a deep breath, gathering courage. “She used you in a way. She wanted her husband just passed the time with you. That’s not . . . that’s not what I’ve been doing with you. She was selfish and – Okay, that’s a bad comparison. I realize that I haven’t exactly been fair. I played hot and cold with you. And then lukewarm.”



“Buffy—“



“Can you just let me get this out?”



He nodded.



“Instead of focusing on my classes today, I spent the better part of the day thinking about you and me and the past few weeks. Have you ever stepped back from a situation and looked at it as an observer of it and not someone in the midst of it?”



“I have.”



“That’s what I did today. I looked at it from your perspective and from an outside perspective. I thought about what I would say if say Willow’s boyfriend did the same thing to her as I did to you.”



“And?”



“As an observer? I was grossly unfair to you.”



“Thank you,” he said on a sigh of relief.



“But—“



“Can you leave the ‘but’ out?” he asked, slightly pleading.



“Sorry. But, the thing is, I am in the situation and I’m not an observer. I think that maybe I was being too much in my head and not saying what it was that was I was feeling and I think that’s because I didn’t know what I was feeling. I feel . . . felt . . . numb.”



“Numb?”



“Yeah, I just – I don’t know when it happened or how or why it just . . . I was always on this path. I was going to go to law school, graduate, practice law, make partner at some huge firm in a few short years and then settle down and think about marriage and having a family of my own.”



“I upset your plans.”



“I didn’t plan on you, William,” she admitted softly. “You came out of nowhere and, Jesus, you ran me over.”



“I’m so sorry that I interrupted the perfect little life you had carved out for yourself, Buffy,” he said harshly.



“That’s not how I meant it Will. I didn’t mean it in bad way. Please understand that,” she begged him, “Please.”



He softened, taking a deep breath, “I know. Because you know, Buffy, you ran me over too. I sure as hell didn’t plan on you either. You know I was planning on not even hiring you that night I came over to see you for the first time.”



Her eyes widened in surprise, “Really? Why?”



“I thought if you were anything like you were in high school, it’d never work,” he admitted with a sheepish smile.



She chuckled lightly, “And I wouldn’t have blamed you at all.” She looked down, her expression solemn, “Though flaky Buffy then isn’t much different than flaky Buffy now is she?”



He shook his head, “I disagree. Flaky Buffy then was concerned about hair and makeup and socializing. Buffy now is concerned with life.”



“What I meant before about your first love . . . I meant that, she wanted her husband and you were convenient for her. You gave her attention and yeah, maybe she cared about you, but it sounded like she cared more of what you could do for her than you yourself. And that’s not how it is with me, William. I care about you the person. I care if you win a lawsuit. I care if you have a headache. I care if you’re sad and I care about hurting you –“



“So then why are you?” he whispered.



“This is going to sound weird—“



“Can’t wait then,” he said dryly.



“When I came up with the whole plan of going on a break, it was because I didn’t want to let you go. So yes, that was selfish of me. But I was also so worried about hurting you that I was trying to find this happy medium for both of us. I wanted to be able to spend time with you and still have time to figure my head—“



“No, Buffy, not your head, your heart.”



She nodded, “My heart too.”



“Seems to me you’re too much in your head.”



She contemplated that. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I take a problem and I analyze it, study it . . . and then blow it up and make it worse.”



William let out a bark of laughter, “Yeah, that’s true.”



“I’m sorry William. I’m sorry I hurt you. I was trying so hard not to,” she told him earnestly.



“I never saw us as a problem,” he murmured, “And you did.”



“Come on William. You felt it when I pulled away. I felt you pull away, you can’t fool me.”



“Yeah,” he said on a sigh, “You’re right.”



“Will, you have this . . . incredible passion—“



“For you. I have passion for you.”



She shook her head, “No, not just me. But your passion for me – my own passion for you, it was intense and heady and I couldn’t make sense of it—“



“Because you’re too much in your head, Buffy. Stop thinking so goddamned much!”



“I can’t help it! I wanted to be sure Will. I wanted to be the girl you wanted me to be.”



“Buffy,” he let out a sigh and shook his head, “Buffy, I don’t want you to be anyone but you. You think I have these expectations of you.” He broke off. “That’s it, isn’t it? You think that I want to push for things from you.”



“When I thought it was possible I could end up pregnant—“



“I wanted to do everything possible to make sure you finished school, Buffy. Did you think I would ban you to the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant?”



She looked down, feeling ashamed.



“Buffy, for God’s sake, you should know me a little bit better than that. When have I ever stopped you from your studies?”



She gave him a look.



He sighed, “Aside from when I’d make love to you. You know I never wanted to stop your studies. You know I only want you to succeed.”



“I know,” she said softly.



“That’s when this all started, wasn’t it?”



She nodded. “I thought you wanted me pregnant.”



He stared at her, studying her. “I’m not going to lie to you. I did. I wanted you to have my baby even if it was bad timing and all that rot. But I wanted to make it as comfortable for you as possible if you were. I would have hired a fucking tutor if that would have helped!”



“I wasn’t ready for that—“



“I know. It’s why I let it go.”



“Me too,” she murmured. “Maybe some talking should have been done on both sides a long time ago huh?” she mused.



He raked a hand through his hair. “Seems that way.”



They stood in silence for a bit before William cleared his throat, “I’m sorry again for my behavior on Saturday.”



“Were you checking up on me?”



“Yes. I was. I told myself I wasn’t, but I was.”



“I’m not Isabel.”



“I know that—“



“Then you should have trusted me.”



“If the tables were turned--?”



“I would be jealous, yes. Oh God yes, but I trust you Will.”



“Do you?”



She nodded, “Yes, I do.”



“It doesn’t feel like it.”



“But I do.”



“Having pieces of you,” he told her softly, “killed me.”



“I know,” she whispered. “I’m sorry. I was trying so hard not to hurt you and I did anyway.”



“I know, Buffy. Well, I know now anyway.” Silence, then, “So. Now what?”



“I leave it in your hands, Will.”



“Because you feel guilty?”



“No. Because I trust you.”



He studied her for a long time before speaking. “Then I think we should stay broken up.”
 

Chapter 35:

Her reaction to that meant everything and he waited, holding his breath, to see what she’d do. Her features fell from fierce determination – the determination to prove to him that she trusted him – to pain, and he thought –fight me Buffy, I want you to fight me on this! -- Then, nothing. Her face became void of emotion and he inwardly groaned. She wasn’t ready yet, not ready to fight for them just yet. Not ready to give herself over. Close though. And God, how had he not realized what the real issue was earlier?

“Okay,” she said briskly and started gathering her things once more.

“Kitten—“

Her head snapped up to him, “I don’t think you should call me that anymore.”

He cocked his head to the side, “Why not?”

“Because it’s a term of endearment and we are no longer together.”

He shook his head, rumbling out a light chuckle, “Oh Buffy, you’re still my kitten.” He studied her, “More like a cat with its claws extended right now, but—“

“I am not a cat,” she told him indignantly.

“Most certainly are. A wild cat. Especially in my bed—“

“William!”

“What?” he asked; all innocence.

“Since we’re broken up, I do not think we should be discussing such things.”

He grinned, “So prim and proper.”

She stared at him in disbelief. “Are you on medication?”

He barked a laugh, “No. Buffy, let me explain to you some things—“

“No, I think we’ve done enough talking—“

“Sit down, Buffy.”

“No, I—“

“Sit down,” he ordered her, more like commanded her.

She sat, looking both uncertain and maybe a little afraid. He’d never been that commanding with her before and it dawned on him that maybe he should have been.

“You seem quite happy all of sudden,” she said, bitterly.

He shook his head, “Not happy per se,” he said. Though I have a really good feeling about how this is all going to end; much better feeling than before, he thought. A bloody revelation he had in the midst of their talking. It hit him, square between the eyes, and everything clicked into place in an instant. Some might say he was crazy for thinking it, for believing it, but he knew. He knew.

She loved him. Oh, but she did. She just didn’t trust herself. She was afraid to let go, afraid to lose control and embrace what she felt. He remembered thinking how mature she was when he’d re-met her again. Remembered how in control and contained she was. She said she had passion for him and that combined with his passion it overwhelmed her and she couldn’t make sense of it. What she felt, she couldn’t contain. It frightened her. It made her run.

Buffy didn’t trust herself to let go and just feel. So, she set herself free. Free to be in the world she created around herself, with the walls she felt comfortable being surrounded by. She just didn’t realize that she’d only trapped herself, and with him, she could truly be free.

“Then?” she prompted.

Tread carefully, mate, he told himself. “Trust, Buffy. You say you trust me.”

“Well, I did.”

“Did?”

“Not so much anymore.”

“Because you expected a different answer than the one I gave.”

She didn’t say anything.

“I admire your valiant effort to prove to me you trust me—“

“Oh for the—“

“Listen to me,” he commanded again.

She slammed her mouth shut.

“The thing here Buffy is that you put it in my hands because you don’t want to have to make the decision. You want me to make it for you.”

She shook her head, “No—“

“Yes. And the thing is; you don’t realize you’re doing it. I’ve been listening to you tell me you don’t know how you feel; how you can’t make sense of anything. I think you know more than you realize but you’re not letting yourself feel it, Buffy. You’re all in your head. You think everything’s got to fit in this box, but . . . Buffy, love isn’t like that. Love doesn’t fit in a box.”

She looked at him as if he’d lost his mind. Who knew? He might have. He just had to make her see, but he couldn’t see by forcing her to see. She had to see it on her own and unfortunately, that meant being without him.

“You don’t trust yourself. And you still don’t trust me fully. But once you start to trust yourself to let go, you will see that I’m here and that I’m not going anywhere.”

She blinked at him. “I don’t trust me?”

He leaned over the desk, palms flat on the desk. “But I trust you.” He wasn’t about to tell her that he was scared, but he felt it in his gut it was what he had to do. If he didn’t set her free to figure this out on her own – without him there to appease her when she had need of him – then they’d be in the same place a week, a month, two months later. It would just continue and continue and he could not do it. He could not stand to be in limbo like that, he could not stand to watch her not be sure of him, of her – of them.

He had faith though. Felt it in his gut that once she let herself let go, that’d be it. She’d be his. Completely. He had to give his own self up to his professional training as a lawyer. It wasn’t knowledge an attorney relied on solely, but gut feeling as well. So, he had to give himself over to it. Let his gut lead him. He’d felt it in his gut that Buffy was the One for him and he still felt that.

Please, he pleaded, please don’t fail me now.

“What does that mean?” she whispered. “You trust me.”

“That means that I want you, Buffy. I love you and that’s never going to change. But I don’t want part of you; I don’t want just a little and then nothing at all. And,” he stood up, taking a deep breath, taking a leap of faith,” And, when you’ve figured it out – and I know you will, baby – then I’ll be here.”

“I don’t know what you mean, I –“ she shook her head in frustration.

“You will.”

“And you’ll be there?”

“I’m still here, Buffy. I haven’t gone. But I can’t help you with this part. You have to do it on your own. You were absolutely right about that.”

“You do realize I think you’re crazy, right?”

He laughed, “Yeah, and who knows, I just might be. Time will tell I guess.” He stared at her, staring at him. He wanted nothing more than to just wrap her up in his arms and tell her what he was thinking, but she was the one that needed to figure it out. It was imperative to them, to their future, that she figure it out. And he knew she would.

She had to.
She swallowed, “Can I go home now?”

He smiled, “Yes, kitten, you can go home now. Which, by the way, thanks for walking out on me yesterday.”

She stood and slung her purse quickly on her shoulder and grabbed her things. He suppressed a chuckle. His poor girl was done with this conversation and was afraid of more to come.

She looked at him pointedly. “Well, with my mother and her . . . you know.”

“Matchmaking?”

“Yeah, that.”

“She can be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, you know that?”

She snorted. “You don’t know the half of it.”

“Oh?”

She skirted around the desk and gave him a funny look. “You do realize this is weird?”

“What’s weird?”

“This,” she gestured between them, “us. Talking like nothing happened.”

He shrugged, jamming his hands in his pockets. “I don’t hate you, kitten. I’m not even angry with you anymore.”

“Then what are you?”

“Part of me is scared as hell, but not because I don’t trust you –“

“Yeah, I got that memo about you trusting me. I’m still not sure what it means—“

“You will.”

“So, why are you scared then if not because of that?”

“The time it’ll take. I miss you, baby.”

“You’re slightly freaking me out; you do know that, right?”

He grinned wolfishly, “Like to keep you on your toes. Get used to it.”

“Well, since we’re broken up, probably not,” she said sarcastically.

“You’ll see,” he said and grinned.

He walked out with her and he could tell that was pondering all he’d said and what it all meant. When they made it outside, she turned to him slightly and said goodbye. Unable to resist, he reached out and grabbed her, pulling her to him and kissing her passionately.

“Just a little something to remember me by,” he whispered and released her. She looked completely dazed and he smiled, tucking some hair behind her ear. “See you tomorrow,” he whispered and walked away.
 

Chapter 36:

Buffy was annoyed; just plain annoyed. The song on the radio was annoying her, the heat in her car was annoying her, and the fact that it was dark out at five annoyed her . . . and William. William was annoying her. She wanted to grab her cell phone and call him, wanted to yell at him that his damn cryptic nonsensical mutterings meant nothing to her and that she didn’t want to figure herself out anymore. She wanted to be in the dark forever and see how he liked that!

God . . . her thoughts annoyed her.

“I trust you, he says.” She snorted, “Trust this.”

She had to ask herself the question: What had she expected him to do when she put it in his hands? What had she been thinking when she put it in his hands? It sure sounded good at the time. That way she could prove to him she did trust him and she wouldn’t have . . . I’ll be damned. He was right.

By putting it in his hands, she didn’t have to make the decision. She could put it his hands and wipe her own clean of it. Because she could trust – goddammit! – trust someone else to make the decision for her. Okay, let’s be real here, Buffy, she thought. Maybe not exactly trust someone else to make the decision. Despite your attempts to prove just that, ya loser. But asking him to make the decision meant she didn’t have to.

It muddled her brain, it really did. How she’d gone from being so certain of her future and herself, so certain she could taste it, to suddenly not being able to see or taste anything about what was ahead of her.

She felt William though. Felt him there with her despite the fact that he’d kept their break up on. Felt him there despite how annoyed she was with him at the present moment. If only because he was right.

So, he trusted her to figure it all out. And she felt there was definitely more to figure out. God, cracking the DaVinci code was probably easier than figuring this mess out.

This mess that was her head and her life. And oh yes, according to William, her heart.

*******************

“I’m telling you B, men suck ass,” Faith said loudly over the music and knocked back a shot.

Buffy eyed her, wondering how in the hell the girl managed to get liquor the way she did. Did she know every bartender from here to Connecticut and up to Maine? Honestly. And the girl could pound them down as if they were nothing.

She looked over at Willow and Anya who were with their respective boyfriends on the dance floor. Wrinkling her nose, she turned back to Faith, the only one she grudgingly felt a bond with at the moment due to the girl’s also single status, “Are you a professional drinker?” Buffy blurted out.

Faith at first looked pissed and then laughed, “Something like that. I don’t see you complaining missy. You’ve taken a couple of mine.”

Buffy shrugged, “What can I say? I live in a glass house and I cast stones. I like to live life on the edge.”

Faith snorted. “That’s all part of your problem. You don’t live life on the edge.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Buffy asked indignantly. She waved a finger at Faith, “I’ll have you know I have done some daring things in my time.”

Faith leaned forward, “Like what?” she challenged.

“I moved to California to go to school,” Buffy said proudly and sat back.

Faith rolled her eyes. “Big deal. Plenty of people do that shit. Give me something else.”

“I . . . I once ran naked down my street while playing Truth or Dare,” Buffy said triumphantly.

Faith shrugged, “So has anyone who has ever played Truth or Dare.”

“Okay, listen, you can’t knock me for those. I mean, everyone’s done something before someone else. The fact is I did them.”

“All right, I’ll give you those.”

Buffy rolled her eyes, “Gee, thanks.”

“Look, all I’m saying B is that you’re so . . . contained.”

Buffy froze, “What did you say?” And Jesus, where have I heard that before?

“I said you’re contained. I mean, you let loose a few times, but it’s always so much work and you have to be completely hammered for it to all hang out. You’re just . . . you’re too much in your head.”

“How did we get on me anyway? Why are we picking on me now? What have you done that’s so bloody amazing?” She cringed as soon as she said it. She was now using William’s lines. Great.

Faith sat back and raised a brow.

Buffy shook her head, “Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

“How are things with Willy anyway?”

“Just forget it.”

“He come crawling back?”

“No, not at all actually,” Buffy replied dryly.

“Then?”

“He thinks it’s for the best that we split.”

Faith snorted, twirling her rum and coke on the table, leaving wet figure eight’s. “Of course he thinks it’s for the best. You know why? He’s just like Robin.”

Buffy shook her head, “No, he’s not.”

“Yes, he is. Setting you ‘free’ for what he says is your own good. Because he wants you to figure it out on your own, right?”

“Yeah,” Buffy said slowly, and then shook her head, “But it’s not like that. William didn’t set me free to have me find someone else or ‘live my life’. He set me free because . . . he wants all of me and is waiting until I can give him that.”

“So he says now. Until he finds someone else.”

“He won’t. Wait, that sounds bad. I mean he could, but – h-he loves me.”

Faith raised a brow and sat back. “You might want to think of back up in case this blows up in your face.”

Buffy shook her head, “William is not Robin.”

“I never said he was.”

Buffy stared at her, “Yes you did, you said he was –“

“All’s I’m saying is that he’s good. He tells you he’s doing it for your own good, for ultimately your own good as a couple, but what he really means is that he’ll just twist it on you later and turn the tables and make it seem as if it was all your idea and for the best in the long run that he found someone else.”

“Faith, stop putting—“

“Come on Buffy, let’s dance!” Willow came over, tugging Buffy by the arm and hauling her out of her seat.

Buffy sent a silent thank you to Willow. Faith was muddling her brain and she was sure the alcohol wasn’t doing any good in helping her straighten out the mess Faith was spewing. The girl’s logic – or lack thereof, Buffy wasn’t sure – was making Buffy’s head reel. William, she affirmed to herself, was not Robin. William had made it clear that he didn’t want anyone else, that he was pretty much waiting for her.

Faith didn’t know what she was talking about. As usual.

*********************
“Goddammit, that bitch knew what she was talking about,” Buffy muttered to herself as she practically threw the papers she needed to copy into the copier.

Her day hadn’t gone well. It was just one of those days when little things slowed her down and try as she might, she couldn’t get back on track. After having a hellish day at school, she had come to work fighting a throbbing headache. She’d dug in her purse for the ibuprofen she usually carried with her for such an occasion and found nothing but an empty bottle. Such was the story of her day.

Then, there was Fred. Or, rather, Winifred. William’s new assistant and Buffy was sure, his future concubine. Buffy’s replacement was what the perky, too- nice- to- be true- brunette with the- oh- so -delicate and cute features was.

Wesley came in, heading for the coffee, “You all right, Elizabeth?”

“You don’t mind if I take a bat to this thing do you?” she asked him as she hunted for the so called paper jam. “Because honestly, I never see this thing give anyone a hard time but me. I’m convinced it’s me.”

Wesley chuckled, “I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Oh, but I’m sure it is.”

“You’re looking a little pale. Do you feel all right?”

“I have a headache.”

“Oh, I believe I have some aspirin. Will that do?”

Buffy smiled, “That’d do wonderfully. And you know, I haven’t had any caffeine today either. I might be having withdrawals.”

Wesley chuckled, “Sad how we become dependant on such things isn’t it?”

Buffy nodded, thinking she hated the word ‘dependant’.

“I’ll get the aspirin, you get your coffee,” Wesley said and strode out of the copier slash coffee room.

Leaving the offending machine for a minute, Buffy went for the coffee and started fixing herself a cup.

“There you are.”

Buffy turned slightly to see William striding in. She looked at him, but said nothing.

“Not talking to me?” he asked, leaning his hip against the copier. Immediately it started beeping and spitting out the rest of her papers.

“How did you do that?” Buffy demanded, setting her coffee down. “I’ve been fighting with that thing forever!”

William grinned, waggling his eyebrows. “I have the touch.”

Buffy rolled her eyes and grabbed her coffee, the cream having made it warm and easier to chug.

“Have you met Fred?” William asked, watching her.

“No, I’ve been fighting the copier. I . . . I spied her from afar.”

“You should meet her.”

“I don’t want to meet her.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t stand it when girls have boy’s names.”

“Well, it’s technically Winifred—“

Buffy waved him off, “I know, I know.”

“You wouldn’t be jealous would you?”

She guffawed, “On the planet ‘You Wish’ I’m jealous.”

William laughed, which just stuck in her craw. “Oh baby, I think you are jealous.”

“I’m not your baby, remember?”

William moved toward her and she took a step back. “I have work to do,” she told him.

He acted as if he didn’t hear her and when she put her cup between them, he took it out of her hand and placed it on the fridge. He leaned in, just ghosting his lips across hers, making her want more. She nearly stumbled forward to get more and then wanted to kick herself for doing it. Thankfully, he didn’t laugh at her or acknowledge it. Instead, he reached out and tucked some hair behind her ear. “You are my baby,” he whispered before walking out.

She stood there for a minute. Her headache was gone. “Dammit. He does have the touch.”
 

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