Part 13: Daddy 2

Buffy watched while a huge grin broke over Maggie’s face, as she looked up at Spike. “Daddy?” she questioned, searching his face for an answer.

Spike stood there for just a beat, wondering where Maggie had come up with such a complex question with a single word. Then he looked over at Buffy, and realized that one way or the other, she must have told Maggie.

Just a few seconds ago, Buffy had felt that everything was moving too fast, as if the world had started spinning out of control. Now, after hearing little Maggie actually call Spike “Daddy”, she felt like an eternity was passing by; time had seemed to stand still while Buffy and Maggie waited for Spike’s reaction. Buffy wondered if all this was normal, this feeling that time was lurching between fast and slow, or if this was just some horrible trick being played on her by the Powers that Be, to watch her squirm after yet another occurrence of open-mouth-insert-foot syndrome. Suddenly all the time lurching that Buffy thought she was feeling made her very sick to her stomach, yet she still sat there and watched Spike and Maggie as one might watch a horrible train wreck on the six o’clock news.

Maggie was starting to look more worried than excited; her huge smile was slowly fading to an adorable pout. Spike reached down and picked her up, hugging her tightly as she said it again, pulling back to look straight into his eyes. “Daddy?” This time it was almost a whisper.

“Yeah, Baby?” Spike smiled at her, watching as the grin returned to Maggie’s face. She threw her arms around his neck and held on for dear life. Buffy finally looked up at him, trying to gauge the emotion behind his crystal blue eyes. She knew that they probably had a lot more explaining to do, but for right now there was no way she was going to interrupt this moment between Spike and Maggie.

Her eyes filled up with tears again as Spike motioned for her to come to him, and when she reached his side he let one arm wrap securely around her, holding both her and Maggie close to him. And he thought that this was the moment he’d been waiting for his whole existence. To be standing there, holding his girls, and feeling a love so powerful that nothing could destroy it. Oh yes, there was more explaining to be done, but for now, they were all happy, and none of them wanted to break the enchantment of the moment.

+ + + + +

Of course, enchantment can only last so long. Just as Buffy was starting to feel safe again in Spike’s arms, and starting to be happy that her family might really be together, the back door flew open. Xander breezed in, just as he always had, more or less acting like he belonged in Buffy’s kitchen.

“Hey Buff! Just wanted to come and check on my favorite little… WHOA!” Little Alex was following closely behind his father, and bumped right into him when Xander came to a sudden stop in front of the island. Alex rubbed his forehead while Xander just stood there, moving his mouth but not really finding any words that would come out.

Buffy jumped a little when she heard Xander’s voice, but didn’t really pull away from Spike or turn to face Xander. “Ugh” she said under her breath, and Spike had to bite his tongue to keep from cracking up right in front of their ‘guest’. Finally she turned around. “Xander. I really wasn’t expecting to see you today. How’s everything going?”

“Uh…um, Spike!” was all he could really come up with.

“Xander.” Spike replied, with hardly any tone of friendship.

Maggie watched all the adults, wondering why they were all acting so strange. Of course, she was trying to figure this out in an effort to ignore Alex, who stood nervously beside Xander and stared at her and Spike. “Uncle Xander!” she started, “He came! I told you that my Daddy would come for my party and he did!” she brightly told him.

Xander’s face paled even more. “Buffy…you told her?”

Buffy narrowed her eyes, and put on one of Willow’s famous ‘resolve faces’. “Xander, not now. We,” she said as she motioned to herself, Spike, and Maggie, “still have a lot to talk about. When we’re done, I’ll deal with you.” She was a little surprised when Xander backed off, and seemingly dropped the subject.

Alex still stood there, eyes darting between all of the people in the room. Spike put Maggie down and knelt in front of the younger Harris boy. “Hi there. You must be Alex. Maggie told me all about you the other day. I’m her Dad, but you can call me Spike.” Maggie stood behind Spike during this encounter and stuck her tongue out at Alex, thinking that Spike didn’t know what she was doing.

“That’s a funny name.” Alex replied, wanting so badly to reach out and grab Maggie’s tongue and make her wish she’d never stuck it out at him.

“Yeah, I suppose it is,” Spike said with a slight chuckle, thinking like father like son… Without even turning to look at her, Spike said “Maggie, stop sticking your tongue out at him.” She looked shocked that Spike had known what she was doing, but stopped nonetheless. “Now, Little Bit, don’t you have something you want to say to Alex?” he asked her.

“No.” came her simple reply.

Spike turned around to face Maggie, but Buffy interrupted before he could say anything to her. “Maggie, I do believe that we talked about this, and there is something you need to say to him.”

“No.” she said again, crossing her little arms defiantly over her chest.

“Margaret Anne…” Buffy started, but Spike intervened before she could get too upset. “Margaret, you know what you did wasn’t right, don’t you?” he asked her.

She nodded, and finally gave into her parents’ demands; a bit worried that they had both used her whole name. “I’m sorry that I said not nice things to you the other day Alex, and I’m sorry that you pushed me down. And I’m sorry if you got into trouble because of me.”

“Okay.” Alex told her.

“Uh, pet… there’s something else.” Spike prodded her.

Maggie looked thoroughly disappointed, and whispered “I’m sorry I bit you.”

“A little louder,” Spike told her.

Maggie sighed loudly, and looked right at Alex. “I’m sorry that I bit you the other day. My Mommy and my Daddy say that it’s not nice to bite people, and that I shouldn’t do it.”

Alex nodded. Xander giggled. Buffy and Spike looked up at him as if he’d grown another head, for laughing while Maggie apologized to Alex. “What?” he said between giggles, “It’s kinda funny… Spike telling Maggie not to bite people.”

Buffy just rolled her eyes and knew that while Xander had done a lot of growing up over the last five years that some things would never change. “Well, Buff, we just came by to check on Maggie… make sure she hadn’t pulled any more runaway attempts. We should go now, looks like you were just in the middle of something when we got here.”

“Yeah, Xander, we were. Thanks. I’ll talk to you later.” Buffy said, as she opened the back door for them to leave. Xander smiled at her on his way out the door, and Buffy could have sworn he tossed a grin over her shoulder to Spike as well.

When the door closed, Spike said “Well, that was interesting.”

“Yeah, it sure was…” Buffy agreed.

+ + + +

Maggie sat at the table, happily munching away at her lunch. Buffy and Spike stood at the island, watching her and talking quietly. “She seems to be taking all of this rather well,” Buffy said.

“Yeah, she does. But pet, care to tell me how she found out? I thought we were going to tell her later.”

Buffy explained to him about how she’d let the cat out of the bag while making lunch. She was still obviously upset about how she’d let it slip out like that, but inside she was relieved that Spike had reacted so calmly. He assured her that there was really no other way for him to react… they’d talked about telling her, and Spike was glad that Maggie finally knew the truth.

“You know, Love, I really think that letting it slip like that was probably for the best.” Spike tried to reassure Buffy.

“How you do mean?”

“Well, Buffy, think about it. If we had sat down with her to tell her, she probably would have been scared to death. I mean, we were both a little worried about it, and she’s bound to pick up on that. She’s a very perceptive child, Buffy. We would have ended up being way too serious and she might have thought she was in trouble or something. This way, it just sort of happened all natural like, and she didn’t have to face some scary serious conversation with us. And, it let the focus be on her, instead of all the stress we were feeling.”

Buffy smiled. “There you go making a lot of sense again.” She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek, and sighed when he wrapped his arms around her.

“Hey.” Maggie said, and interrupted their moment.

“Yeah, Bit?” Spike asked.

Buffy grinned, because she knew what was coming. She knew that Maggie was about to start firing questions at them, much like she’d done to Spike on the first day he was there and she demanded he tell her all about England. However, Buffy never anticipated that the first question out of her child’s mouth would be the one she both dreaded and longed to know the answer to.

“You don’t have to leave us again, do you Daddy? Will you promise to stay forever?” She had such sincerity in her question, and Spike recognized the hope twinkling in her eyes. It was the same hope he’d carried for years; all the time that he was falling deeper and deeper in love with Buffy.

Buffy held her breath waiting for Spike to answer, and seriously hoped that she wasn’t about to start feeling that crazy time-shifty thing again. Spike wasted no time in answering Maggie’s question, and he held Buffy a little tighter as he spoke. “No, Bit, I don’t have to leave you. I’m going to stay here, as long as your Mommy wants me to stay. I missed your first 4 birthday parties, I don’t intend to miss anymore.” He told her, before turning his attention to Buffy. “That is, if that’s ok with you, Love.”

Buffy nodded as her eyes misted over again. “You’ve got to stop saying things to make me cry, Spike. I don’t think I’ve cried this many happy tears in all my life.” She said, before he leaned in to kiss her. Buffy pulled back after a moment, and Spike looked disappointed. “Maggie’s right there…”she whispered.

“Right then.” Spike said with a smirk. “We’ll pick this up later, yes?”

“You can bet on it.” Buffy said, countering his smirk with a wink.

“Hello?” Maggie called, waving her little hands back and forth. “I still wanna know….” She trailed off as she skipped into the living room, beckoning Buffy and Spike to follow her. Buffy knew that this round of questions from her was going to last awhile, but she didn’t really care. She and Spike had all the time in the world to spend with their daughter, and she wanted to make the most of it.

+ + + +

Part 14:

Spike and Buffy spent the better part of the afternoon answering question after question from Maggie. She wanted to know all sorts of things, but she finally asked them the second question that Buffy was a little nervous about the answer to.

“Mommy says that you’ve been away working. What were you doing? Did you go anywhere fun?”

Buffy wondered what his answer would be, while Spike sat there, nervously contemplating what to tell Maggie. He thought she was a little too young to know the whole story, but he knew he had to tell her something. He looked at Buffy and smiled, then tried to explain things in a way that Maggie would understand.

“Well, Bit, I did go to some pretty interesting places. I was doing lots of different things, but mainly I was doing lots of studying and finding ways to keep you and your Mum safe,” he explained, hoping this would satisfy her.

“So were you fighting the monsters like in my dreams?” she asked.

“Yeah, sort of like that Maggie.” He told her.

The phone rang, and Buffy quickly went to answer it. When she came back she watched Maggie and Spike for a moment, still amazed at how their interaction with each other was so natural, as if he’d never been gone at all.

“Sweetie?” Buffy said, and grinned when both Spike and Maggie looked up at her. “Maggie,” she clarified “How would you like to go spend the night with Auntie Dawn tonight at her dorm?”

“Really? I can really go stay with her?”

“Yes, she just called and said that she’d come by and pick you up in about a half hour.”

“Yay! Yay! Yay!” Maggie exclaimed as she skipped up the stairs to her room. Buffy followed, to pack her things, while Spike stayed behind in the living room. He knew that Maggie’s questions had sparked some questions in Buffy’s mind as well, and part of him was glad that they would now have some time alone for him to explain where he had been for the last five years.

The longer he sat there and thought about it though, he really wasn’t sure where to begin. Buffy had been so understanding since he’d been back, and he certainly didn’t want to do anything to make her not trust him. Now he worried that maybe she had only been so calm because Maggie was always around. Now that they were going to be alone together was she going to loose it? He didn’t really have too much time to worry about how Buffy would react to being alone with him, because before he knew it the ringing of the doorbell snapped him out of his thoughts. Buffy called down from upstairs, asking him to get the door. He never expected the reaction he would get from Dawn when he opened the door.

As the door swung open and Dawn saw Spike standing there, her eyes narrowed into little slits; Spike couldn’t really tell if she was angry or just thinking of something to say to him. He didn’t have to wait very long to find out.

“Spike.” She said, rather flatly. “Where’s Maggie and Buffy?”

“Uh, they’re upstairs, getting the Littler Bit’s things together. How are you, Nibblet?” He asked as he moved aside, giving her room to come inside.

Once inside the living room, Dawn turned and swiftly smacked Spike in the chest. “Where the hell have you been, Spike?”

Spike was shocked, but Dawn didn’t let the look of confusion that was taking over his face stop her. She kept smacking him, walking him further and further into the living room. “I mean it Spike, tell me where the hell you were for five years. Have you even told Buffy? Are you going to tell her? Did you think you could just waltz back in here and think that nothing had changed? Answer me!” She finally had him backed up against the chair, and on her final exclamation she pushed him down into the chair; the fact that he was not trying to fight back fueling her anger even further.

Spike had never seen his Nibblet act this way. He’s seen her upset before, sure, but he had never seen such anger and hurt reflected in her eyes. The second that he looked up at her to speak to her, she turned away, and started pacing the room. In a much quieter, but still flat voice she said “Well, are you going to tell me?”

Spike remained in his seat and watched her pace around the room. “In the last five years I’ve been a little bit of everywhere. I spent a lot of time in England, but I did travel around to some other places whenever I needed to. Mostly I was making sure that I could keep you and Buffy safe when I did come back. I tried to keep up with you as best I could. If I had known about Maggie sooner, though, you can bet that I wouldn’t have stayed away as long as I did. In fact, I never would have left if I had known…” he trailed off, remembering the night that he left Sunnydale and the revelation that Buffy knew she was pregnant then. Dawn had stopped pacing, but still did not turn to face Spike. He got up and walked over to her, placing his hands gently on her shoulders and turning her to face him.

Tears were shining in the corners of her eyes, and threatening to spill onto her cheeks. She finally looked into his eyes, and let her tears fall. “It really hurt, you know Spike? To find out that you were gone and that you didn’t even bother to say goodbye…”

He pulled Dawn into a hug. “Bit, I’m so sorry. I left hastily, and I’m sorry that it hurt you. Can you ever forgive me?”

Dawn finally returned the hug, and said “Of course I can, Spike. But I still want the whole story of where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing.”

“And you’ll get it. But I think I need to explain everything to Buffy first. And then, I want to hear all about what you’ve been up to, and what’s going on at UC Sunnydale.”

She stepped back to look at him, and finally smiled. “I missed you, Spike.”

“ I missed you too, Nibblet. Now let’s go see if Maggie is ready to go.”

Upstairs, Spike and Dawn found Maggie and Buffy packing her little purple duffle bag. Buffy had packed her clothes and her toothbrush, and now they were deciding on which toys she would take. Maggie wanted to take every coloring book she owned, as well as five of her storybooks. Buffy told her that she wouldn’t be at Dawn’s long enough to take all of those books, but Maggie wouldn’t listen. Every time Buffy would take a book and put it back on the shelf, Maggie would get another one and put it in the bag.

Dawn grinned and decided she should intervene. “Hey there Little Bit! Are you ready to go?”

“Auntie Dawn!” Maggie squealed. “I’m so excited to sleep over with you!” She ran over to Dawn, and as Dawn picked her up she winked at Buffy. Buffy took the opportunity to replace about half of the books Maggie had put in her bag. Dawn turned and carried Maggie down the stairs, while Buffy and Spike gathered Maggie’s things and followed them down.

They all went outside, and put Maggie’s little purple bag into the car. She ran over to Spike and practically jumped into his arms. He hugged her, and kissed her cheek. “Now you be good, baby, and have lots of fun with Auntie Dawn.”

“I will, Daddy. Will you come pick me up tomorrow?”

Dawn looked at Buffy, a little shocked, and mouthed the word “Daddy?” Buffy nodded, and whispered that they had told her the truth.

Spike smiled at Maggie, and hugged her one more time. “Remember, Bit, I can’t come out in the sunshine to pick you up. But your Mommy will come and get you, and then when you get home we will watch TV together and play all your favorite games. Ok?”

“Ok!” She said. Buffy came over and put her daughter in the car, and fastened her seat belt. She kissed Maggie and told her to be good for Dawn. Maggie promised again that she would be. As they started to back out of the driveway, Maggie waved her little hands back and forth, trying to get Buffy and Spike’s attention. Dawn rolled down her window, and Maggie called out to them “Bye, Mommy and Daddy! I love you!”

“We love you too, Bit.” Spike called out to her.

+ + + + + +

Once they were back inside the house, Spike wasted no time starting his discussion with Buffy.

“Love, there are some things we need to talk about.”

“I know, Spike, but do we have to do it right now?” Buffy said, almost pouting.

“Pet, I need to explain this to you. Where I’ve been, what I was doing. I’ve wanted to tell you since the moment I came back. Can we please just do this now?”

Buffy was taken back by the seriousness in his tone. She sat down on the sofa and motioned for him to sit with her. He sat, and she reached out to hold his hand, lacing their fingers together. She leaned over, resting her head on his shoulder. “You know you can tell me anything Spike. And we’ll deal with it. Nothing is more important to me right now than having my family together.”

He sighed. “I know, Buffy. And I want to tell you everything that happened after I left, and where I’ve been. But there’s one very important thing that you need to know upfront.” He turned slightly, to look into her eyes when he said his next sentence. Feeling like he was drowning in her clear, hazel eyes, he said, “Love, the chip… it doesn’t work anymore.”

Part 15:

“I want to tell you everything that happened after I left, and where I’ve been. But there’s one very important thing that you need to know upfront.” He turned slightly, to look into her eyes when he said his next sentence. Feeling like he was drowning in her clear, hazel eyes, he said, “Love, the chip… it doesn’t work anymore.”

+ + + +

Buffy tried to hide her reaction to his revelation, but failed miserably. Her eyes grew wide as saucers and she felt her skin grow clammy. She still held onto his hand, but her grip loosened as she felt the unmistakable feeling of fear bubble up in her stomach. The kind of fear that one feels when they are facing impending doom, and knowing there is nothing they can do about it, like watching as you’re involved in a car accident or as you are cornered by a mugger in an alleyway knowing that there is no one to come to your rescue. She started to absently shake her head in disbelief, since she couldn’t quite form any words to say to him.

Spike sensed the change in her immediately, feeling her fingers loosen around his own and sensing the cold sweat she broke out in. He could also smell the fear rolling off of her in waves, and that more than anything else broke his heart. He had never intended for her to be afraid of him, and he started to worry that he wouldn’t be able to fix this. At the same time, though, he knew that things were likely to get worse before they got better.

Finally she managed to make her brain and her mouth to work in sync with each other, but still she couldn’t really form coherent thoughts. “How…Why…How?” was all she managed to croak out, mentally slapping herself as she unconsciously shrunk away from him on the sofa.

He wanted to cry watching her reaction. He’d never intended to put her through such agony but he knew that he needed to tell her the whole story and make her believe that she could trust him again.

“I didn’t do it on purpose, Buffy. Please, you have to believe that. I’ll tell you the whole sodding story, from beginning to end. Starting with the night I left. Just please hear me out.” He told her, as he got up and started pacing around the room. He would’ve given anything for a smoke at that point, but knew that smoking inside the house was out of the question.

“I’m listening, Spike.” Buffy’s voice broke when she said his name. She was trying to remain calm, and give him the chance to explain, but all she could imagine was a horrible reality where her family was brought together for one fleeting moment to only be torn apart again. She glanced up at Spike, pacing around the room, and willed her tears not to fall from her eyes. But she lost that battle almost as quickly and miserably as she lost the battle with her fear at the revelation that Spike’s chip didn’t work any more.

Spike continued to pace, remembering the night that he left Sunnydale, as he began telling Buffy what had happened during his five-year absence.

+ + + + +

Sunnydale, April 2002

Spike wandered down the street toward his crypt. He couldn’t believe that once again, he’d been dismissed by the Slayer. It still hurt, much more than it should. He was a Big Bad vampire, after all… things like whether or not the slayer had any feelings for him shouldn’t matter. In fact, it was completely unorthodox to begin with, his being in love with her. He finally decided that it was too much. Sitting around, waiting for her to throw him some crumb of feeling, other than coming to him every night for some strange sort of comfort or to “scratch an itch” (as he’d put it so many times); it had all become too much for even him to take.

When he reached the crypt, his fury was starting to get the better of him. He started to trash the upper level of the crypt, smashing the many glass liquor bottles sitting around, and overturning furniture. Finally his feeling of blind rage settled into his gut, and felt a lot more like hurt and a broken heart than anything else. He got up and started packing his clothes in an old, worn out duffle bag he’d picked up somewhere along the way. He rummaged through his refrigerator and packed up all of the blood he had in the cooler that Dawn had given him, making a mental note of how long his stash would last before he needed to find more. Once he had all of his things packed, Spike took one last look around the crypt, and headed for his car.

He considered leaving a note for the Nibblet, saying good bye and trying to explain why he was leaving, but he thought it better to leave things as they were. It would probably be days before any of the Scoobies came looking for him anyway, and he thought that even if they came looking for him and found the note, he figured that they wouldn’t give it to the Nibblet anyway.

So as the engine of his old Desoto roared to life, Spike headed down the highway without a look back, scoffing as he drove past the sign signaling his exodus from the place he’d called home for the better part of five years.

He drove for hours, always at night; not stopping until he realized that sunrise was peeking on the horizon. Only then would he stop and find shelter, usually in some seedy little dive of a place or in old abandoned buildings. He traveled like that for days, until the days stretched into weeks. Finally he reached New York, and with a fleeting thought he left his car in a storage garage and boarded a plane for England.

Touching down in London brought on strange thoughts for the vampire. This was where it all started, so many years ago. He hadn’t been back to this place in so many years, too many to count in fact. He spent several months in the old town, trying to avoid as much of the human and vampire population as he could, only fraternizing with either one to find a butcher that would sell him blood and bar that would serve him his libations. He managed to exist this way for almost a year, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t stop thinking of the Slayer he’d left behind in Sunnydale.

One night as Spike walked down the dark alleyway toward his favorite bar, his thoughts again drifted to Buffy. He had gotten better at controlling his thoughts of her, and allowing himself to miss her with out brooding. He never brooded, for fear of becoming the poncy poof that he hated so much. Before he knew what had hit him, quite literally, a large, hulking creature jumped from the shadows and smacked him up against the wall of the nearest building. Spike felt the stabbing nudge of a handgun, as the creature demanded that Spike give him all of his money. Before even thinking twice, Spike butted his head backwards, throwing the man off of him. He had gotten in several good punches, and slid into his game face, fighting off the creature with an ease that he hadn’t felt in over a year. As he tackled his attacker to the ground and continued to pummel him, Spike finally noticed a vital fact that he couldn’t believe he had over looked when he was first attacked. This creature, this hulking thing that held him at gunpoint and demanded his cash, was in fact a man. A common, everyday criminal that roamed the streets of London and preyed on weaker people in the night.

Spike stopped his assault and ran as fast as he could, his mind reeling with the knowledge that he hit this man in the alleyway with no pain from the chip. He didn’t sleep at all the next day, turning the events over in his mind and trying to come up with some explanation. He needed answers, and that night when the sun set he went to the only place he knew where he could get those answers.

He went to see her Watcher.

Giles was shocked, to say the least, when he answered the door in his London flat to see Spike standing there, requesting entrance. Against his better judgment, Giles invited Spike in, wondering what led him to his door. Spike went in and took a seat, warily looking around the place and trying to assess whether or not Giles was going to stake him first and ask questions later. He never imagined that Giles’ first question would throw him so completely for a loop.

“Spike, does Buffy know you’re here?”

“No, mate, and I can’t imagine she’d care.”

“So, you haven’t talked to her lately, then? She has no idea that you’re in London?”

“No. And I’d be ever so grateful if you didn’t tell her. Like I said, I can’t imagine that she’d care where I was, and I wouldn’t want to bother her with this little “problem” of mine.”

“Spike…”Giles started, wondering if he should tell Spike everything that he knew and send him on his way back to Sunnydale. “I think that if you just gave me a moment, I could make you understand that she really does…”

“The chip is broken.” Spike interrupted, “And I need to know why.”

“What did you say?” Giles implored, quickly deciding to not yet tell Spike about the daughter waiting for him in Sunnydale.

“I said the chip is broken. And don’t go getting all wiggy on me mate, I’m not going to hurt you. I just need to know how and why it fizzled out.”

Giles and Spike spent the next few days researching and trying to find any plausible explanation for why the chip had stopped working. Finally, the only explanation they could come up with was that the chip used on Spike by the initiative was a prototype, one not designed for long-term use. After a few calls to some contacts Giles still had in the states, he found out that was in fact the case. The Initiative had used prototype chips in their Sunnydale operation, planning in the long run to replace those chips with ones that would keep the demons subdued on a permanent basis.

Then came the more difficult work, of figuring out why Spike didn’t want to go on a killing rampage now that the chip wasn’t stopping him. Spike knew the answer, as did Giles, although for Spike’s sake he pretended to need convincing. Spike’s love for Buffy had changed him. He wanted to be better for her; deep down he wanted to be the man that she deserved, and his love for her consumed all that was ever evil about him, until there was nothing left but the way he felt about her.

+ + + + +

Giles helped Spike find his way in the world, making sure that he could cope with his new found freedom and stay on the right track. Several times he considered telling Spike about Maggie, or telling Buffy about Spike, but he always decided against it, not wanting to interfere with the plans of the two star-crossed lovers. He did feel bad, though, knowing that Buffy was looking for Spike, and that he didn’t tell her where to find him.

Eventually, Spike moved on from London, traveling around England and doing more research. He tried to find ways that he could be of use to Buffy, other than just accompanying her on patrol, and trying to find ways to redeem himself in her eyes. He knew that she would likely always have a hang-up about him being a soulless vampire, but he hoped that by fighting for good and establishing some kind of reputation that she might one day see that he really had changed for her. He needed to make her understand that his love for her was real, and he hoped that one day she could find it in her heart to return his love.

Spike finally settled in a small town north of London, and continued his self-induced plight of redemption. Occasionally he would find text in a book or Giles would contact him with new information that led him to other places, places where he would be tested and tempted and where he always emerged victorious. Over the course of the four years he spent in England, his occasional travels took him to St. Petersburg, Madrid, Rome, Florence, and Paris. His thoughts always turned to Buffy in these places, always thinking how much he wished that he could show her these cities steeped in mystery and littered with evidence of their pasts.

When Spike turned up again on Giles’ doorstep on a muggy day in early June, Giles was hardly surprised. It had been almost four years since Spike had come to him seeking answers, and a little over five since Spike had last seen Buffy. Spike came to him telling him that he thought he was finally ready to move on, and that he was moving back to the States. He never mentioned to Giles that he was actually going home to try and work things out with Buffy; not wanting to put the Watcher in the position of telling him if Buffy had moved on, or of alerting Buffy to his arrival. Spike simply thanked Giles for all of his help, and left England without a second look.

Part 16:

Buffy sat quietly, listening to Spike’s explanation of his journey. He paced a lot while he was talking, not ever really looking at her for long periods of time. When he finished, He sat in the chair across from her, sighed heavily, and waited. Buffy was eerily quiet, and he feared, correctly so, that it was the calm before the storm.

Buffy looked at him for a few moments, growing more and more perturbed that he wouldn’t look at her. Finally, she said, in a flat tone, “Spike, look at me.”

He looked up at her, and recognized the blank look in her eyes. It was the same look she’d had so frequently after her friends pulled her from heaven and she would come to him for comfort. She looked totally disconnected from the world around her, and it was hard to tell if she was angry or just very hurt.

Finally, she started speaking again, holding his gaze the entire time.

“So, you mean to tell me that Giles knew where you were the entire time, and he never told me. The whole time I was pregnant, while Maggie was a baby, and I was doing everything I could to search the globe to find you, he knew where you were and he never told me.”

“No, Love, I had been in England about a year when I went to him.”

“Same difference, Spike. So Maggie was about 7 months old when you went to him. He still knew that I was looking for you, that I needed you. And he never mentioned to you that it might be a good idea to at least call me?”

Spike weighed his words carefully before continuing. “No, pet, he never mentioned it. But in all fairness to the Watcher, I never really insisted on knowing anything about you. In fact, I practically told him that I didn’t want to know anything about you.”

“WHAT?” she practically shrieked. “I thought you said you were doing this for us, Spike. That the whole time you were on your little quest to find out about the chip malfunction that you were doing it so that we could be together. Or did I misunderstand that lovely little narrative you just told me?”

“No, Buffy, you didn’t misunderstand,” he began slowly, weighing each word. “But I had to do this on my own. I couldn’t do it with the knowledge that you would be sitting here, waiting on me when I was ready to come back. And I couldn’t have rushed through everything I did just to get back to you. And I can tell you, pet, if I had known that you were just sitting here waiting for me I would’ve done everything I could to get back to you as fast as I could, and I’m not convinced that would have been good.”

Spike stopped for a moment, trying not to let his frustration get the best of him. Finally, he continued. “The whole time I was gone, everything I went through, was for you. I had to know that I could trust myself, before I came back here asking you to trust me. And I had to know that I’d be able to keep you safe. I was trying to be the man you deserve, Buffy, and that’s not something I wanted to rush. As far as not asking the Watcher about you… you made it pretty clear how you felt about me the night that I left. You dismissed me, just like you had hundreds of times before. How was I to know that you felt anything for me?”

Buffy got up and started pacing. Spike watched her pace around the room, wondering what was going through her mind. Soon, she started talking again. “I just can’t believe that the two of you would keep something like this from me. He knew, the whole time, every time I would call him and tell him about some new lead to find you, he never once mentioned that he knew where you were. This is totally unbelievable. And you… I can’t believe you never once asked him point blank if I’d said anything about you. Because he would’ve had to tell you that I did. Every single time I talked to him it was mostly about you.” She continued her pacing, but when she walked over to the steps, Spike stopped her.

“Buffy, where are you going?”

“I need to think, Spike. This is just too much. I’m going upstairs. Stay here in Dawn’s room if you want, go back to your hotel if you want. Right now I’m just too angry and confused to care either way.” With that she walked up the stairs and into her bedroom.

Spike heard the door slam, and thought that was not a good sign. Well, mate, that went much worse than I’d ever imagined. How was I to know that the Watcher actually kept my confidence? I figured he would’ve at least told her that he’d seen me. What a great, sodding mess I’ve made of it all… He sat there for a few more minutes, but when he didn’t hear anything from upstairs he decided to leave. He went to see the only person he knew could make him feel any better about the situation.

~ ~ ~ ~

It only took him about 15 minutes to reach her place. He knocked and waited patiently for her to answer the door. Finally, the door opened. “Hey Niblet, I know the tiny bit’s probably already sleeping, but I just had to see her for a minute.”

Dawn was shocked to see him, but invited him into her suite quickly. “Spike, you look horrible. What happened? I was sure that you and Buffy would be, um… busy tonight. What with me keeping Maggie and all.”

“Yeah, Bit, I’m in a bit of trouble with big sis. Can I just see Maggie, then I’ll tell you everything?”

“Sure, Spike. She’s in my bedroom. Come on…”

Spike followed Dawn down the little hallway into her room, wondering how she managed to have such a nice room all to herself. He’d have to ask her about this later. They went into her room, and Maggie was sleeping soundly, tucked into the covers of Dawn’s bed. Spike sat gently on the edge of the bed, trying hard not to wake her. When he reached out to tuck a loose curl behind her ear, though, her eyes opened, and she warily looked around to see who had woken her.

“Daddy…” she sleepily said. “Why are you here?”

He managed a smile, while gently running a finger down her cheek. “I just missed you, baby. I wanted to come and tell you goodnight.”

“Oh,” she said, as she sat up. “I missed you too.” She crawled into his lap, and loosely wrapped her arms around his neck, before kissing him on the cheek. She yawned, and rubbed her sleepy eyes. “Will you hold me until I fall asleep again? If you do, the monsters won’t come.”

Spike grinned at her, and shifted her weight so she could rest her head on his shoulder. “I will hold you as long as you want, sweetie. And I’ll always be here to chase the monsters from your dreams.”

“Good.”

Before long, Spike heard her breathing even out, and knew that his daughter was asleep again. He gingerly put her back down on Dawn’s bed, and tucked her back in. Finally, he joined Dawn back in her living room, and sat with her on the sofa. He told her the whole story of where he’d been, and what had just happened with Buffy.

“Spike, I just can’t believe that Giles would do something like that.” She noticed when Spike snapped his eyes up to look at her, and decided she should correct what she’s just said. “Not that I’m saying I don’t believe you… because I do. It’s just… how could he at least not tell you about Maggie? I can see why Buffy’s so upset. But I don’t think she’s angry with you, so much as disappointed that you didn’t ask about her sooner.”

“But , Bit, you know how she treated me before I left. I just figured that she still hated me. I honestly thought that she did, and my plan was to come back here and show her how I’d changed… try to win her back. I had no idea she wasn’t going to need some major convincing.”

“Yeah, well, I think Giles should have told you. And whether you protested or not, he should have told Buffy. It would have saved both of you years of loneliness and heartache if he had.”

Spike thought about Dawn’s last statement. Buffy had been lonely while he was gone? Had she really missed him from the beginning? He sighed. “I just don’t know where to turn. I still love her so much, and I just want to make everything right. What am I supposed to do now?”

“Well, I think you should go back to Buffy’s, and just be there for her when she’s ready to talk. She can’t give you the silent treatment forever. Sleep in my old room again and maybe in the morning she’ll be ready to talk to you.”

“Yeah, I guess that does sound like an ok plan. It’s late, I should probably let you get some sleep, Bit.”

“Ok. I have a meeting in the morning with my boss and some other girls from the dorm. But I can keep Maggie as long as you need me to…no classes tomorrow. So tell Buffy to just call me whenever and I’ll bring her home.”

“Will do, Bit. Wait- your boss? Who do you work for, Nibblet?”

“Oh, I’m the dorm director’s assistant. That’s how I get this posh little suite in this building.” She said with a chuckle. “They pay a nice chunk of my tuition, too, which is really nice.”

“Huh. My Nibblet’s all grown up and in charge of others. Who’d have ever guessed?” He mused as a smirk found its way to his lips.

Dawn hugged him. “It’s good to have you back, Spike. Now go make things right with my sister.”

+ + + +

Buffy cringed when she slammed her door, forgetting how harsh the wood could sound as it cracked against the doorframe. She could feel hot angry tears welling up in her eyes, but willed herself not to cry. She sat on her bed and listened for any signs of movement downstairs; if she was honest with herself she would have admitted that she was waiting for Spike to follow her and try to work things out.

She was disappointed when she heard the front door click shut, followed by the great roar of the engine in Spike’s old car as he sped away down the street. Buffy felt utterly defeated, not really knowing where to begin to fix the mess that had been created that afternoon. Well, she thought wryly, I sent Spike away, I might as well start with the person who’s available…

She picked up the phone and dialed the number that , over the years, she had committed to memory. On the third ring she noticed the time, and laughed bitterly to herself. It was the middle of the night in England, and Buffy didn’t really care that she would be waking Giles at such a horrible hour.

After a small click and a rather cordial greeting Buffy began speaking to the answering machine that was suddenly quite offensive to her. “Giles. Pick up the phone, I know it’s the middle of the night there and I know you’re home. So pick up. We need to talk- right now.”

A sleepy British accent sounded over the line, sounding partially confused, but also a little bit defensive. “Buffy, good Lord, what is the meaning of all of this? What’s so important that you couldn’t wait until morning to call me?”

She could practically hear him cleaning his glasses as she began to talk to him, trying her best not to loose her cool. “Oh, I don’t know, Giles. How about the fact that Maggie shouldn’t have had to miss the last five years with her father, always wondering where he was and why he didn’t come to see her? Is that important enough for you?”

“So, I take it Spike has been there, then?”

“Yes, Giles. He’s been here for a couple of days. Maggie is just ecstatic that he’s here. So it really is true, then, You knew all along where he was and never even mentioned to me that you could help me find him?”

“Buffy, you have to understand…”

“No, Giles. I don’t have to understand anything. You knew how desperately I wanted to find him, to tell him about Maggie and have my family together. And you knew where he was, and could have told either him or me so that could have happened, yet you didn’t. I can’t believe you did this to me, Giles.”

“Buffy, I didn’t do anything to you. I was trying to do something for you. He came to me seeking answers, and wanting desperately to be able to protect you. He didn’t want there to be any chance that he’d hurt you. We’ve all seen quite a change in Spike, and I was trying to help him become the person he thought you deserved. I’m sorry if you think that my motives were less than honorable in keeping a confidence for him.”

Buffy sighed. “You know, that’s basically what he said to me. I’m just still having a hard time with all of this, Giles. I mean, Spike didn’t know about Maggie, so he had no real reason to come rushing back to me. I certainly hadn’t given him any real reasons before he left. But you knew… you knew the whole story and didn’t tell him. I’m not so angry anymore, Giles, just hurt.”

“Well, I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you Buffy. That was not my intent at all. I hope that once you take some time to think about this that you’ll see that everything quite possibly is working out for the best.”

“Maybe so. I have to go now. Maggie is at Dawn’s and I need to call and check on her. Besides, its late. I’ll talk to you soon. Good night Giles.” She hung up the phone and sat back down on her bed. She thought about calling to check on Maggie, like she’d intended, but noticed the time and figured that she and Dawn would already be asleep.

Buffy curled up on her bed, staring out her window at the stars, and wondered what she should do. She couldn't really be mad at Spike. After talking to Giles she realized that he really did have her best interests in mind while he was gone, and she admired that he was trying so hard to be noble for her… for them, really. She still wasn’t sure about Giles, though. That was a hurt that would take a lot longer to heal.

+ + + +

Note:

I promise there’s more fluffy goodness on the way. Please don’t give up on it :) It’ll be in the next chapter, which will hopefully be later tonight…

Part 17:

Lying there on her bed, gazing at the stars, Buffy felt way too passive. All these wounds had been opened tonight, and she felt like there should be something that she could do about it, other than lie there and sulk. Just as she felt herself slipping back into the Buffy of old, the Buffy that would cry and sniffle and then blame herself for everything that had happened that evening, she decided to take a different path. She wasn’t going to sit there in her room and play hostess to the current pity party. And she certainly wasn’t packing any bags for a guilt trip on the Buffy express.

She got up with a start, and headed to the basement.

The basement had, over the last five years, been slowly renovated into the perfect training space for Buffy. Having Maggie didn’t make it so easy to make it to the Magic Box to train, since she usually only caught small bouts of training when Maggie was napping or at playgroup. The once sparse basement now housed her laundry “room” in the back corner, while the rest of the space was occupied with her punching bag, exercise mats, balance beams, weights and other equipment.

Scrounging around in the laundry basket on top of the dryer, she found a tank top and some old sweat pants to quickly change into. Buffy hastily taped her knuckles, and then began to pummel the bag hanging from the opposite corner of the room.

She hit the bag tentatively at first, then allowed her blows to form a steady, harsh rhythm. She hadn’t really used the bag that much in training lately, and Buffy found that the rough feel of the canvas and the satisfying squish of sand beneath her knuckles were oddly comforting. She poured out all of her frustrations, all of her doubts, and all of her fears, letting the punching bag take the brunt of her wild emotions. She was so caught up in this old routine of hers that she didn’t even hear the front door swing open and click closed.

+ + + +

Spike entered the back door to Buffy’s house with trepidation, completely unsure what he would find. He knew that once Buffy was totally ticked off, she could stay that way for a while. He didn’t know if she would still be fuming up in her room, if she would have fallen asleep by now, or if she would be waiting for him in the kitchen to give him the beating of his life.

Just as he closed the door behind him, the refrigerator fan clicked off, and the loss of its comforting hum plunged the room into an eerie silence. The whole house felt still, yet possessed with a stressful tension.

He stood there, having no plan of action other than to follow the Niblet’s instructions. Go make things right with my sister, she had urged. Just then he saw that the door to the basement was ajar, and heard the sounds coming from below; the heaving breathing and frustrated grunts occasionally pierced by colorful curses that he had no idea she even knew. Spike crept down the first couple of steps, until he could barely see Buffy, taking her frustrations out on the punching bag. She was so absorbed in what she was doing that if she sensed his presence, she never let on. He quickly, yet stealthily, retreated, thinking that making things right was going to be harder than he’d originally imagined.

He decided to leave her alone, and silently locked the front and back doors before going to Dawn’s old room. He was suddenly overwhelmed at how tired he felt, both physically and emotionally. Shrugging out of his duster, t-shirt and boots, Spike crawled into the bed and burrowed under the covers that felt oddly comforting. Before too long he drifted into a deeply sound, yet dreamless sleep.

+ + + +

Buffy ascended the stairs to her room, vacantly peeling the layers of tape from her hands. Pushing a sweat-drenched lock of hair from her eyes, she decided to by-pass her room and head straight for the shower. Her slayer sense perked up a little, but she let it go, feeling that she was safe in her own house.

Once out of the shower, she felt a bit renewed, yet still upset with Giles, and regretting her earlier outburst with Spike. She really wished that she had not dismissed him so absently earlier, pretending that she didn’t care if he left or if he stayed. Her made-up apathy and flippant dismissal of him was what had gotten her in this predicament to begin with. Slipping on her nightgown and draping her robe around her shoulders, she left the steamy bathroom to head to her own bed.

Just as she cinched the robe around her waist, she felt her slayer senses tingling again, but not in a bad way. In that oh-so-good way they did whenever Spike was around. She glanced over to Dawn’s doorway, and noticed that the door was halfway closed. Peeking in, a sad smile found its way to her lips. Thin strands of moonlight found their way through the windows that had been carelessly left uncovered and fell on his white-blonde hair, making it look as if the stars were dancing around his head. One hand rested on his bare chest, just above his un-beating heart, while the other rested outstretched on the bed as if beckoning her into an embrace. Buffy remembered how he had usually looked so peaceful in sleep, but this night she noticed that a disappointed scowl found its way to his chiseled features, giving the appearance that he was in some sort of turmoil. Turmoil that she caused.

Entering the room and sitting gently on the edge of the bed, she looked at him for another moment before she started speaking. “Oh, Spike, I feel like I’ve made a total mess of things. Deep inside, I know that you weren’t trying to hurt me. You were trying to protect me. And you’ll never know how proud I am of you. I just tend to over react, as usual. Why do I have such a problem telling you things like this when you’re awake?”

He had remained unphased by her soft declaration, still sleeping soundly. She let one of her hands hover over his that rested on his chest, and noticed that the scowl left his face when their skin finally came into contact. Feeling a little bit bolder, she laced their fingers together, and leaned over to place a feather-light kiss on his lips.

She barely pulled back, only far enough that she could see when his eyes drifted open. He squinted, trying to figure out if she was really there, or if he was dreaming. Confusion swept over his face, as he began to question her presence. “Buffy, what…?”

She silenced him by placing her index finger over his lips, and feeling the electricity that was building between them. With her face still mere inches from his, she whispered “Tell me you love me.”

The confused expression stayed, and before Spike could form the words, Buffy whispered again.

“Tell me you want me.”

Spike’s eyes grew wide as the words became suddenly familiar, and he remembered the last time he’d heard them. “Slayer…” he started, with a warning in his voice.

“Please, Spike. Tell me. Help me make this right. Please…”

It was the second please that broke his resolve. His other hand came up to the back of her neck, pulling her toward him. Their lips met in a surprisingly gentle, yet passionate kiss. “I love you, Buffy.” Spike said as she broke away to breathe. He kissed her again, this time letting go of the hand that she was holding on to, and using it for leverage to sit both of them up. Pulling back to look in her eyes, he repeated what she needed to hear. “I love you, pet. And I’ve never stopped wanting you.”

Her eyes glistened, and she tried to make her hands be everywhere at once. She pulled him toward her for another kiss, and let her hands roam over the exposed skin of his back and chest. Spike began an exploration of his own, running his fingers through the ends of her hair, and holding either side of her face while he rained soft kisses on her. When his hand deftly untied her robe and began to push it off her shoulders, she abruptly jumped up off the bed and grabbed his hand, beckoning him to come with her.

“Love, what are you doing?”

“Come on…” she said, as if she was making perfect sense. Her directive was met with a skeptical look from Spike.

“Come Spike, with me… to my room, my bed,” she said, while still trying to tug on his hand. Finally she managed to get him up on his feet. She pulled him close again, started walking backwards, pulling him along the way. In between tiny kisses to his cheeks and shoulders, she said “I mean, I love you and all, but this is still my sister’s room and that’s just… ewww!”

He stopped, refusing to follow her anymore. “Pardon, Love? Come again?”

“My room, Spike, let’s go.” She breathed out, still in between kisses.

“No, pet. I got that part. Say the other part again.”

“Huh?”

He barely cocked his head to the side, waiting for realization to sink in. He smirked when it did.

Her mouth fell open, in a perfect “oh…” shape. He half expected her to start backpedaling and try to take it back, even though he’d heard her whisper it from the porch on his first night back. He was happily surprised when she smiled, so brightly that he could have sworn he was watching the sunrise. “I love you Spike.”

She watched as his eyes lit up, and a genuine, happy grin formed on his face. “Well, Love, it certainly took you long enough.”

She playfully smacked him on the arm. “Always the smart-ass, aren’t you Spike?” She grabbed his hand and once again started tugging him toward her room. Once they were out in the hall, Spike suddenly swooped her up in his arms, and carried her the rest of the way, making a grand production of kicking the door shut and depositing her on the bed.

He looked at her, with such raw emotion in his eyes that Buffy could barely stand the intensity. What she didn’t realize was that she was matching his gaze almost perfectly. They could just about feel the air change around them, becoming thick with the electricity and tension of their anticipation. Slowly, Spike approached her, and gently placed a hand on either side of her face, bringing her lips toward his and capturing them in a tender kiss.

“Love, if this is a dream, promise you won’t ever wake me.”

“It’s not a dream, Spike. And by my calculations, we have a lot of time to make up for,” she said, with a little bit of a gleam in her eye.

“That we do, Love, that we do.” He practically pounced on her, devouring her mouth in a deep, passionate kiss.

“Wait, Spike,” she said, pulling back from his kiss. He looked confused, and was disappointed with the sudden loss of contact with her. Suddenly a little shy, she looked up at him and almost whispered, “Will you… I mean, can we… I don’t want it to be like before you left.”

He thought he understood what she was getting at, but the selfish part of him desperately wanted to hear her say it. He nodded, encouraging her to continue, saying, “It doesn’t have to be, Buffy.”

“Make love to me, Spike. Let me show you how much I love you.”

He once again began raining gentle kisses all over her face and neck, and they got a good start on making up for all the time they had lost.

{Next}