Chapter 13:

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Buffy peeked out from her spot behind the clothing rack, clutching her towel tightly to her chest.

* * *

Xander and Oz were fiddling with something, when Xander glanced up at the screen. “Hey! Buffy’s in the dressing room! Look at this!” All the men in the room crowded around the screen, eager to see the scantily clad women.

* * *
Buffy rushed over to the nearest mirror. Standing in front of it, she opened her towel, looked at herself, and closed it tightly again. Looking in the mirror, she saw Giles approaching her with two rubber cups, shaped like the kind you would find on a bra.

Turning around, she said, “Plllllllllleeeeeeaaaaaaaseeeeeeeeeee tell me those are candy dishes.”

“Open up,” he said, gesturing towards her towel. Groaning, she opened it up, and he wrapped his arms around her so he could put the cups in her bikini top.

* * *
“This guy’s like an inch from death!” Xander yelled.

Entering the room to see what all the commotion was about, Spike’s eyes widened when he realized they were watching his Buffy change.

“Hey! Hey! Hey! No looking! She’s a federal agent, nothing to see here. Give her a break.”

“Oh, c’mon!”

“What?!”

“Are you shitting me, Matthews?!”

* * *
Looking in the mirror, Buffy saw Giles hold up a small tube. “Hemorrhoid ointment?” she asked. “Do the judges reallllllllly look that closely?”

“It’s for the little dark baggies under your eyes.”

“Oh. In that case....”

As she applied the cream, she saw Giles shake a can of something. “Goody. Hair spray. Something I recognize.”

Giles bent down, lifted up the towel, and sprayed the substance along the top of her thighs. Jerking so that she crashed into the mirror, Buffy hissed, “What are you doing?!”

“It keeps the suit from riding up!”

“Riding up where?!”

“Just........up!”

“That is enough!”

“Why must you make things difficult?!”

“Shyeah, considering this is an incredibly embarrassing situation....for you.” Glancing at the girl next to her, she pointed and said, “Ah! Ah, why does Georgia get to wear a one piece and I have to wear this?” She stomped her foot lightly at the word ‘this’.

“Listen, Miss Summers, if you can do this....if you can convince anyone that you belong here.”

Angel, an assistent of Maggie’s, walked into the dressing room (they didn’t care if he was there or not, considering he was gay) and yelled, “C’mon! Let’s go!”

* * *
“The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts for 15% of the score,” announced Clem to the cheering crowd. “It tests the grace, athleticism and poise of each lovely woman.”

The crowd cheered even more as the first group of girls made their way onto the stage.

* * *
“Listen, Rupes,” Buffy said as Giles pushed her towards the stage. “The last time I was this naked in public, I was coming out of a uterus. I don’t have breasts, my thighs.....I should be in a muumuu, really. Look, I’ve been avoiding this situation my entire life!”

“And here it is! You must achieve a Zen-like state. Listen to your breathing, feel your heartbeat, think of the Dalai Lama.” Placing one hand on her head and the other gripping the towel, he pushed her forward and discarded her of the towel in one fluid movement.

“Ow!”

***

Buffy stood next to Kennedy, Anya, and Glory as they marched across the stage. The crowd went wild, and Clem took the mic. “Texas!” he announced, and Glory posed on the lifted area of the stage.

“Rhode Island!”

“California!” Buffy climbed up the small podium, and tryed not to laugh as she recieved wolf whistles and cheers from the sailors in the audience.

“Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama!” she mumbled to herself, but couldn’t stop from laughing as she made her way off stage.

***
Inside the room, Spike was relieved as she made her way off of the stage. He had almost broken the chair from gripping it so harshly when he’d heard all the whistling and cheering directed at her. ’Mine....’ growled his mind. A hand on his arm brought him out of his possessive thoughts. “Relax, man,” said Oz. “She likes you.”

Spike nodded, and went back to watching the screen.

***

“I would have to say,” Cordelia said as she stood onstage, answering the question Clem had just asked. “World Peace.”

***

“Definitely,” Glory said, holding her hand to her heart. “World Peace.”

***

“That’s easy,” Anya said. “World Peace and vengeance to cheating men.”

***

“World Peace,” Kennedy said immediately.

***

“What is the single most important thing our society needs?” Clem asked as Buffy stood next to him in her sliver evening gown.

“That would be harsher punishment for parole violaters, Clem.”

There was a pause, where no one said anything. Sensing she said the wrong thing, Buffy quickly amended, “And......World Peace.” At her added statement, the crowd cheered again, pleased that she had said the traditional answer.

“Thank you, Miss Summers.”

“And thank you, Clem!” She walked off stage, handing the mic to Willow on the way.

“That was charming,” Giles said as she took her place next to him. “Are you drunk?”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it. Now if you excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile.”

“Hey!” she heard someone say from behind her. Turning around, she said, “Hey!” and gave Spike a small kiss.

Pulling back, he handed her papers. “We got a lead.”

“Blood tests?”

“Photos. Willow Rosenburg, with members of a radical animal rights group involved in several bombings.”

“Willow?! That Willow?!” Buffy said as she pointed to the girl onstage.

***
“Tell us, Miss Rosenburg. What is your idea of the perfect date?”

“Oh,” Willow said. “That’s a tough one.” Taking a minute to collect her thoughts, she said, “I would have to say......April 25th, because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light sweater!”

The audience stared blankly at her, and Willow’s cheeks flushed red.

***
“Right,” Buffy said, handing the pictures back to Spike. “Cuz that’s a hard core killer.”

Pushing her way through the crowd, Spike followed, saying, “Listen to me, luv. Maybe she’s an accomplice. Maybe she’s his inside connection. Maybe she’s totally innocent. That’s what you’ve got to find out!”

“Yah, but how?!”

“I dunno. Coax it out of her, buddy up to her. Y’know, girl talk.”

“GIRL TALK?!”

“Yes, girl talk!” said Giles. The two British men stood at the top of the stairs, blocking her exit.

“I’m drawing a blank, fellas.”

“You know,” Giles said. “Leg waxing, fake orgasms, the inability of men to commit.”

“Why don’t you go talk to her?”

“Look, pet, if there was something you wanted me to say, but I wouldn’t tell you, how would you go about getting me to say it?”

“You want me to beat it out of her?!”

Turning back to Giles, he said, “Why don’t you go talk to her?”

“Okay, forget about it. I will go.” She reached up and twisted her earpiece out.

“Whoa whoa whoa. Put that back in your ear!” Spike demanded.

“No! I can’t do girltalk with a GUY in my head! I can’t even do it with ME in my head.” Swinging her arms back and forth as though preparing for a fight, she said, “Girl talk, girl talk.......dammit.”

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
 

Chapter 14:

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Buffy waltzed into the workout room, holding a large pizza and a six pack of light beer.

"Oh my god!" gasped Kennedy as Buffy made her way past her workout bike.

Ignoring her, Buffy made her way to Willow, who was sitting by the hot tub and hugging her knees to her chest. "Hey Rhode Island!" she called. "How're you doin'?"

"How can you ask that?" Willow mumbled miserably. "You heard my interview answer. I was like a female Rain Man."

"N-no, not Rain Man. Def-def-definetly not Rain Man," Buffy stuttered.

Willow smiled a bit, and Buffy continued. "C'mon. Come and have a midnight snack with me and some......girl talk."

"Are you crazy?!" Anya asked. "You can't have pizza and beer!"

"Yeah," said Cordelia. "Do you have any idea how many calories you're talking about?!"

"Uh, it's Lite Beer, and she's gonna throw it up anyway!" Looking back at Willow, she said, "Come on. Come with. No? No takers? All right. You guys go back on your little bicycles and I'll sit here with my large cheesy pizza." As the girls gathered around her, she stroked the top of the box lovingly. "Oh, look at all that cheese...."

Willow put her hand tentatively into the box, poking at a slice. "Willow, don't!" warned Cordelia.

"C'mon," Buffy coaxed. "First step pizza, second step flaming batons."

This seemed to make Willow braver, and she pulled out a slice. Putting it slowly towards her mouth, she took a tiny bite and groaned, "Oh my god!"

"Give me some!"

"I want some!"

As her pizza box was attacked, Buffy said, "I guess I'll be needing more pizza......"

***

Buffy and Willow banged the drums with the mallets, giggling as they saw Cordelia, Glory, Anya and Kennedy wave at them. Buffy waved her paint splattered hand, and as her hand hit the blacklight, the paint seemed to glow.

"I'm gonna go get another drink!" shouted Willow.

Turning to the man behind her, Buffy shouted, "We're gonna get some more drinks!"

They made their way off of the stage, and over to where the other girls were sitting. The waitress passed by them, and asked, "Another round, ladies?"

"YEAH!"

Willow downed her tubey-drink-thing. "You know," she slurred. "It's the funniest thing! This is my third one of these things and I don't feel a thing!"

"Really?!"

"Kinda like when i answer my interview question."

"Don't worry about it, we all suck."

"And i had such a good answer for that one too!"

"Yeah?"

"Uh-huh! My idea of a perfect date is a-a candle-lit dinner followed by a walk on the beach where we discuss books and movies a-and music!"

The girls all nodded in agreement, and Kennedy said, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" All the girls screeched and Willow covered her mouth with her hand, trying not to giggle.

"Time to paint, c'mon!" Kennedy said.

"No! My contacts!" protested Cordelia, but she went with Anya, Kennedy and Glory anyway.

"This is soooooooooooo much fun!" screeched Willow.

"Yeah," Buffy agreed. "So much fun, it should be illegal! HEY! Speaking of illegal, have you ever, like, done anything illegal?"

A solemn look came over Willow's face as she replied, "Yes."

Wiping her hands eagerly on her pants, Buffy said, "Go on."

"Once, when I was in high school......I stole a pair of red panties from the department store, my mother wouldn't buy them for me, she said they were Satan's panties!" Willow frowned, then said, "Which was pretty weird, considering I'm Jewish with the big honking menorah...."

"Is that all?" Buffy asked incredulously.

"Yep. No! There was this one time in college. My English teacher told me he wanted to meet me after school to discuss a paper I wrote---he wanted to discuss a paper, right?" Buffy nodded, and Willow continued. "So anyway....he attacked me."

"WHAT?! Willow, did you report him?!"

"No. I've never told anyone before this. I know that sort of thing happens all the time--"

"NO! It doesn't, Willow. It doesn't!" Buffy assured her. "Willow, there are so many moves I could teach you--"

"REALLY?!"

"Yeah! C'mon,stand up!" They stood up and Buffy placed Willow so that she faced her back. "Say he comes at you from behind--" She was cut off by a loud THUMP and turned around to see Willow passed out on the floor.

***

"Oh my god, the poor girl's trashed," said Glory.

"Yeah," Buffy agreed. "I better get her back soon, or Miss Walsh--"

"Oh, don't worry," Glory said. "Maggie's got a boot up her ass about something!"

"Oh , I don't think she ever got over those.....rumors..." Kennedy said.


"Rumors?"

"Yeah. About twenty years ago, she was runner-up and the winner got a mysterious case of food poisoning."

"Totally Bizarro!" added Cordelia.

"Clemmy said that about two weeks ago, she got a letter from the network, and they're firing her too! She threw a chair out the window!"

All the girls laughed, and Buffy let the information sink in.

***

"Listen," Riley said into the phone. "I got 20 people here waiting for confirmation!"

Buffy burst through the door, only to be greeted with a pissed off Spike. Taking one look at her, he said coldly, "Yeah. I hate it when I don't see the 'wet paint' sign."

"Spike, please."

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I took my earpiece out."

"Will you stop?! I got a lead. It's not Willow."

"Forget it, Picasso. They caught the citizen."

"What?!"

"It's confirmed," Riley said, turning around. "They caught him in a little shack in Nevada with enough C4 to make a whole new Grand Canyon. Let's pack up and get the hell out of here."

"Sir?" Buffy asked, stepping forward. "I need to talk to you. Only one second of your time."

"Summers!" Spike snapped.

"Just....hear me out for a second! I really feel that the situation needs further scrutiny and our continued presence--"

"Are you deaf?!" Riley said. "You just got paint in your ears or something? We caught the guy!"

"FINN! Listen, I hear what you're saying, and I would say it to me in the same situation, but.....what if we were wrong? What if the citizen didn't send it? What if it was just a copycat?"

Riley sighed, and said, "Agent---"

"NO! Sir, the letter didn't follow the normal pattern, the linguistic scheme was totally un-characteristic and the DNA said the envelope was licked by a woman!"

"Maybe he got his girlfriend to lick it!"

"Sir, I think we have reasons to monitor Walsh."

"Really? Why don't you jump on her dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake?! Look, you are the reason I had to drag myself down here and I don't wanna hear another damn word!"

"Yes sir, not another damn word, sir." Unable to keep quiet, she burst out, "But sir, she's getting FIRED this year, which she neglected to tell us!"

"Agent, you're already in enough trouble with the review board as it is!"

"Yeah, but you know the only reason she ever even won the pageant was because the other person 'mysteriously' came down with a case of food poisoning, how bizarro is that?!"

"Bizarro?"

"Oh! Oh! And another thing! She threatens me, and Glory said she has a history of violence!"

"Who the hell is Glory?!" Buffy tried to speak, but Riley cut her off, "Where are you getting this info, a pajama party?!"

"No, look--"

"Will you just.....shut up?" Spike asked in a cold voice.

Hardening her heart against his cold words, she snapped, "Why?! You're shutting up enough for the both of us!"

"Matthews," barked Riley. "Is there any reason to suspect Maggie Walsh?"

Spike glanced at Buffy who was looking at him expectently. He then looked at Finn, and he said, "No, sir." Buffy turned her head, shaking it as the tears fell down her face.

"There," Riley said, standing up.

"Sir, I request permission to stay here with a small contingion of Agents."

"Request denied."

"Then I request to stay here on my own."

"You know what, Summers?" Riley snapped, putting his blazer back on. "I don't give a fuck what you do. You want to stay? Stay, but as a private citizen. Turn in your badge and your gun." With that, he marched out of the room, leaving Buffy and Spike alone.

She glared up at him with tear-filled eyes. "Oh, c'mon," he sighed. "Don't look at me like I just betrayed you."

"No," she said, and he winced at her cold and distant voice. "Betrayal implies an action. You just stood there."

"You got nothing to go on."

"Listen! I know everyone thinks I'm a screw-up. But for the first time, I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time. And I have to protect those girls, it is my JOB!"

"And part of the job is following orders!"

"Yea, and the other half is following your heart and brain, Spike! Take the damn rule book and throw it out the friggin window!"

"Yeah, well, despite my bad-ass rep, maybe I like the rule book. i like knowing what I can and cannot do. You're not the only one who lives for the job! An' I want to keep mine for the next 20 or 30 years. Jesus, Summers. Give it a rest."

Buffy rolled her teary eyes, and propped her leg up on a chair. Lifting her pants, she exposed her gun and badge.

"Luv....please, don't do this!"

She paid no attention to him, and unstrapped her equipment and shoved them in his arms. Walking out the door, she slammed it shut.

Looking down at the things in his arm, he closed his eyes and let the tears roll down his face. "My god, Buffy...." he whispered. "What have I done?"

***

Outside the room, in the hallway

Buffy slammed the door shut, and leaned against the wall next to the door. The tears fell heavily down her face, and she looked at the door one last time, before whispering to herself, "Don't do this to me, Spike....

....I love you....."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
 

Chapter 15:

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Inside Maggie's office

Maggie sat at her desk, shifting papers into a neat pile. Rubbing her hands together, she flexed them and reached for the top left drawer in her desk.

Pulling out the crown, she placed it on her head. In her ears, she could still hear the cheers of the crowd as she made her way across the stage to accept the crown.

Waving her hand in a graceful manner, she whispered to her imaginary audience, "Thank you....thank you so much..." Turning to face the wall, she screamed as she saw a shadow moving along it.

Turning back around, she saw Adam standing in the shadows. "Hi mom," he said.

"Don't do that!" Maggie scolded. "That slow, creepy thing in the shadows, your father used to do that!"

"Mom," said Adam, stepping forward. "This isn't gonna work."

"Oh, sweetie. Of course it's going to work!"

"But mom, ever since they caught the citizen, we've got no one to pin it on!"

"Ok, that was bad luck," Maggie agreed. "But what about all those other letters from terrorists groups threatening us? Women's Liberation Front........Islamic Jihad, they're not so nuts about the swimsuit competition. I mean, any of these people could have planted a bomb!"

"When did we get those?" Adam asked, a sly smile on his face.

Smiling, Maggie replied, "I just finished writing them, Adam. Just like The Citizen letter."

"You're a genius mom!"

"No, Adam. I'm just pissed off." Adjusting his tie, she muttered, "No one fires me and gets away with it. They want a newer hotter show? They're gonna get it..."

"Mom....you're a little bit scary......"

"And you're a little bit sloppy. Tuck in your shirt, I don't want to have to tell you again!" Putting the papers back in her desk, she said, "Let's go home, honey."

"Uh...mom?" Adam said, gesturing to the crown on her head.

"Oops," she grumbled, and placed the crown back into it's cushioning.

***

Xander threw his baggage into the back of the van, Oz and Spike not too far behind.

Spike glanced back at the lobby, and saw Buffy standing there, tears rolling down her cheeks. When she saw him looking at her, she turned her head and walked away.

Spike shut his eyes, willing away the tears that were threatening to fall.

***

Buffy made her way down the hall to Giles' room. She stopped when she saw all of his belongings being rolled out. Rushing in, she said, "Giles? Wh-What's going on?"

Looking up at her tear-stained face, Giles resisted the urge to take her into his arms and comfort her. "Your Agent, Finn, told me that I must leave, or I won't be compensated."

"What? B-But Giles, after the Top Ten, I'm completely on my own! The FBI is gone, Spike's gone, it's not fixed.....I need you."

"I-I'm sorry....but not anymore. I've done my job. I've taken a woman without a smidgen of estrogen and made her beautiful."

"Bu-But Giles! You're so much more than my beautifying guy!" Buffy pleaded. Then, in a quieter voice, she said, "In a way.....you're like the dad I always wanted, but I got stuck with one that hit me everyday."

"Oh lord," Giles whispered. "Is that why...?"

"I wouldn't answer the interview question?" Buffy laughed bitterly. "Yeah. Just salt on open wounds."

He hugged her, and said, "I-I'm so sorry...."

"It's ok," she stated, pulling back from his embrace. "You didn't know. But please, Giles! Don't go!"

"Buffy, I'm sorry. But...I've never been prouder of myself. Or.....any other girl I've ever coached." He smiled slightly. "If I had a daughter, I imagine she would be something like you. Which is why, perhaps, I never reproduced." Buffy giggled.

Face turning solemn, she said, "Giles, I....I have this really strong feeling that something is going to happen to these girls. You need to stay here for me, please please!"

Walking over to a table, he picked up a large box. "I-I can't." Turning back around, he said, "But I can give you this. I was saving it for tonight. I believe it's your size. Good luck to you, Buffy Anne." Before she could say anything more, he kissed her on the forehead and walked out of the door.

***

Dressing room

"What?" Cordelia asked Kennedy. "No insults today?"

"You're a Don Ho."

"Has anyone seen Buffy?" asked Willow. "I can't believe she missed dress rehearsal!"

"Give her a break," said Anya. "The girl ate FOUR slices last night!"

"You all saw her glasses performance," added Glory. "She is not making the top ten!" Just then, Buffy rushed by Glory. "Oh, hey!"

Buffy said, "Hey! I uh, overslept my beauty sleep!", and plonked down into her seat. "Buffy?" asked Willow. "Do you need any help?"

"Wha'? No! No, I'm good. Now.....which one of these is lipstick?" she asked as she fumbled with all of the small cases of makeup.

"Oh," said Willow. Turning to her friends, she said, "Ladies! Help!"

Buffy couldn't help but smile when all of the girls crowded around her and instructed her on the fine art of make-up.

***

backstage

"Good luck, ladies! Keep moving! Let's go!" instructed Angel as he ushered girls up the staircase.

"Lookin' good, ladies!" said Adam as he leered at Glory.

"Go back to the mothership!"

"Only if you go with me, Tex-Ass!" Glory smacked him upside the head, and continued on her way.

Halfway up the stairs, Buffy stopped as she saw a small black box sitting alone. She made her way back down.

Bending over the box, she bent her head and listened for a sound.

Buffy looked up as the music started. Standing up, she rushed out to the side. When she saw Glory, she rushed out and took her place. After walking down the stage and to the front, she ran to Angel and handed him her torch and state.

Rushing back out, she and the others did the dance number. Willow and Glory smiled encouragingly at her, and Buffy smiled. For the first time in her life.....

.....she had friends.


Now all she needed was Spike to come back.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
 

Chapter 16:

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"And your host for the evening," announced the MC. "Clement Jones!"

The audience clapped as Clem took the stage. "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! And welcome to a night of talent, beauty and poise. And I'm not just talking about my co-host, Maggie Walsh!"

The girls all clapped along with the audience when Maggie made her way across stage. “Clem, you charmer! But you forgot to mention ‘incredibly intelligent’!” Maggie said, giving a huge fake wink to the audience.

“That was incredibly stupid of me!” Clem said. “How can I ever make it up to you?”

“By helping announce the final Top Ten girls who were chosen based on their performances during the preliminaries this week.” Turning around, she said, “And here’s the envelope. Thank you, Scott.”

“And the first winner is.......Tennesee!”

Anya put her hand to her face, tears threatening to spill.

“Maine!”

Buffy turned to the girl next to her and hugged her as she walked over to Maggie and Clem.

“Hawaii!”

Cordelia waved her hand, and pursed her lips together to keep from crying.

“New York!”

Kennedy hugged Willow and made her way down the stage.

“Nebraska!”

A brunette girl named Samantha O’Connell hugged the girl next to her, and made her teary eyed exit.

“Texas!”

Glory smiled proudly, as though she had known all along that she would make it that far.

“California!”

Buffy dramatically waved her hands in front of her face, and made her way down the steps. Tripping on the last one, she fell on her face.

“Oh, shit!” exclaimed Clem.

Buffy was just as soon up, and her shawl and hair were sticking to her Miss Liberty crown.

“And she’s up!”

“Alaska!” Maggie announced.

“New Jersey!”

“And last but not least......Rhode Island!”

Willow stood still for a moment, before the announcement sunk into her brain. Gasping, she covered her mouth with her hand and made her way over to Buffy.

“And there they are!” Maggie announced. “This year’s Top Ten Finalists!”

***

Airport

Robin Wood and Charles Gunn opened the doors to the van and unloaded Giles’ luggage.

“I checked out Maggie Walsh like you asked,” Xander said to Spike.

“Yeah? What’d you find?”

“Nothing! Not even a traffic ticket! This lady’s like, scary perfect.”

“You could say that again,” snorted Giles. “Model citizen. Beauty contestant. Pageant director. Loving mom......”

“Wait,” Spike said. “She’s married?”

“Widowed. One son. A sniveling, obsequious, weasel of a human being.”

“You know this sod?”

“So do you,” Giles said. “It’s Adam.”

“Her assistant Adam? Asshole Adam?”

“One and the same.”

“She never said anything. Anything come up on the CCH?”

“Not a thing on Adam Tobin,” Xander revealed.

“Well, there wouldn’t be, would there?” Giles asked. “His last name’s Walsh. Changed it to cover his many indiscretions.”

“Wait a bloody minute. How do you know all this?”

Stopping before he made his way into the plane, Giles said, “I have been around this pageant many years now. I could shock you with all the intimate details.”

***

Backstage

Buffy ran over to Willow, and said, “Hey! I got you something!” She held up the long bag to Willow.

Slipping the cover off, Willow gasped when she saw two fire-batons. “Oh! No, I couldn’t---“

“Yes, you could! You ate pizza, you stole panties, you’re a wild woman!”

Willow nodded finally, and Buffy made her way to her make-up table.

’Oh, Spike....’ she thought. ‘I wish you were here...I wish you could see me......

As Glory fixed her eye makeup, she looked over to her right at Buffy, who wore a sad expression. “All right,” she sighed. “Who is he?”

“Who’s who?”

“The guy. I’m assuming it’s the one outside our room that one time?” When Buffy didn’t say anything, Glory coaxed, “It’s ok. I know how guys are. My brother Benjamin is an asshole. Just tell me.”

“Well, it’s really---your brother’s name is Benjamin Franklin?”

“Yeah. My parents were weird.”

“Ha. I can understand that. But Spike.....he’s.....I mean, he’s so.....with the...and his....always.....and then........with his.....oh, and then the smirking......and I.....we-I....with the.....”

“Buffy? It might help for you to speak in, like, actual sentences.”

“Quiet you. I’m dealing with repressed feelings here!”

“And I pity you, but you need to shut up. Listen, if this guy really likes you...like, he likes you, likes you......then he’ll come back for you.”

Buffy gave a watery smile, and hugged her friend.

***

Spike ran up the stairs to the auditorium, flashing his badge to the officer outside. Panting, Giles said, “I’m with him,” and ran inside.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
 

Chapter 17:

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Buffy cheered as Willow performed her fire baton dance. Looking to her right, she saw that Clem and Maggie had disbelieving looks on their faces. Buffy couldn't but do a little dance to the music, and clapped hysterically when the batons lit up. The audience gasped, and Willow beamed.

***

Giles and Spike made their way backstage, only to be stopped by the security. "Gentlemen!" she called. "You can't go in the---Oh! Rupert, you can go in."

Placing his hands on Spike's shoulders, he said, "He's with me."

When the woman nodded understandingly, Spike protested. "What? No, I'm not with him, with him. It's not like that."

"C'mon muffin."

***

Buffy screeched and hugged Willow as she came off stage. "Now you can wear Satan's panties!!!"

When they heard Clem announce Tara, Buffy turned to her and said, "Go!" Turning around to laugh with Willow, a familiar face caught her eye.

"GILES!" she squealed, and rushed towards him for a hug. "I'm so happy you came!!!"

Hugging her back, Giles said, "C'mon. You need to follow me."

Pulling her along, he went behind a curtain. Buffy turned and her smiled dropped when she saw who was standing there.

"Buffy...."

"Spike. What do you want."

"Buffy, please. Don't do this, not now."

"I seem to recall a time when those words didn't work on you."

"Luv, please--"

"No. Tell me why you're here, or I will break something of yours."

Sighing, Spike sensed (say that 5 times fast) that sh wasn't going to forgive him for what he'd said to her just yet. "Listen. I think you were right---"

"Well, THERE'S a surprise."

"-----Adam is Maggie Walsh's son."

"Wait, Adam? Disgusting, perverted Adam?"

"Yep. Cleared under another name. Ran a CCH, he had a DUI, assault and a weapons charge."

"Full deployment, or what?"

"Finn didn't want to hear it. 'S just us. We gotta go find Adam!"

***

At that moment, Adam was carrying a cardboard box to the storage closet.

"Hey, Tobin!" called out one man. "Nice work!"

Adam smiled slightly, and continued his job. He opened the door, and discreetly put the box in.

***

The same woman who had stopped Giles and Spike popped through the curtain. "Oh, there you are!" she exclaimed. "California, you're up next!"

"Ok. I gotta get my water glasses." Giles scurried off before her, and as she turned to leave, she felt an hand on her arm. She looked up at Spike, and said, "What?"

"I just wanted to say....I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Buffy." She knew that he meant it when she saw the tears pooling in his eyes. Cupping his face with one hand, she pulled him down for a hug. A few seconds later, when they parted, Spike asked nervously, "So we're ok now, right?"

"Yeah. We're ok." Suddenly a panicked look crossed her features. "Shit! My glasses!" Running out, she ran in the direction she had placed the table. Seeing the girls around it, she swore. "Hey! HEY! You're drinking my talent!"

As Giles put on the rest of her outfit, she tried to see if she could fix all the glasses. "C-Can you whistle?"

"No."

"Make hand puppets?"

"No!"

"I once had a girl who rearranged furniture."

NO! You said that all I had was sarcasm and a gun!"

"Yeah," Spike muttered. "And a right hook."

Buffy stopped, and looked at Spike, and evil look crossing over her features.

***

"And now," announced Maggie. "The musical stylings of Buffy Anne Summers!"

Buffy walked out onstage, and waved shyly at the crowd. "Hi! Um....I know that the program says I'm supposed to play the water glasses, but some of the girls got dehydrated."

The audience laughed, and Buffy continued. "Now, I believe that no woman should be without at least a basic knowledge of self-defense. So, let me introduce my assistant...William Smith!"

As Spike walked out onstage, he mouthed to her, "Smith?"

Buffy shrugged, and said to the audience, "I'm going to show you how to inflict maximum damgage using the least amount of force. Now, say your assailant comes at you from the front." Turning to Spike, she gestured for him to attack. He ran at her, and she pushed her hand up at his nose. Spike reeled back in pain, holding his nose.The audience gasped in sumpathy. "Use the heel of your hand and thrust upward. This will cause his nose to break and your assailants eyes to tear, giving you a chance to run away."

Walking towards the front of the stage, she said, "Say your attacker comes at you from behind." Buffy stood in ready position. When Spike failed to come forward, she turned around and whispered, "Attack me!" He shook his head, still holding his nose. "Oh..." Buffy said in a baby voice. "Wittle William wooks a wittle scared. Maybe he needs a wittle bit of appwause?" The audience clapped, and Spike rolled his eyes. Buffy turned back around, and Spike wrapped his arms around her neck. Grabbing the arm holding her, Buffy lifted her feet off the ground, and when she slammed them back down, effectively pulled Spike along. He flipped over her shoulder, and landed in a heap by her feet.

***

Backstage

As Buffy was getting the audience to clap for Spike, Maggie approached last year's queen, who was holding the crown. "Kendra," she scolded. "You don't have to hold the crown!"

"Oh, no. It's ok!"

Picking up the crown, Maggie looked it over, and said, "That is disgraceful. Adam, take this to the prop master and get it to really shine."

***

"Now," Buffy said as Spike hobbled past her. "If all else fails, just go for the four most sensative parts of the body. But just remember......to sing. S-IN-G." Spike wrapped his arms around her once again.

"Solar Plexus." Jabbed in the stomach.

"Instep." Stomped on the foot.

"Nose." Elbowed in the nose.

"Groin!" Punched in the groin.


"Sing," Buffy said. Looking over at Spike who was huddled up, she patted his back, and led him off stage.

"Whoa," Clem said as he walked onstage. "Welcome to California!"

"When we return, we'll find out who those lucky Final Five are!" announced the MC.

As Buffy stepped off stage, Spike said to her, "We gotta go find Adam!"

"Ok, you take the right side, I'll take the left---"

"No," Giles interrupted. "Evening gown, now!"

***

At that moment, Adam was in the utility closet. Glancing at the crown, he threw it into the trash.

Picking up the box he had put there before, he took out the bomb-crown.

Taking out a little remote, he clicked it twice at the tiara.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

 

Chapter 18:

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"In one moment," said Clem. "Five of these lucky ladies will be one step closer to the crown. And one of those lucky Final Five is......Tennesee!"

Anya covered her face with her hand, trying to keep from crying.

"Anyanka Jenkins is an animal lover. She owns a pet shop called The Magic Box, and has two dogs, one cat and four fish."

"Rhode Island!"

Buffy clapped hysterically as her friend made her way down the stairs.

"Willow Rosenburg is a science major. Her field is nuclear fission with a minor in elementary particles."

"Maine!"

Tara gave a watery smile into the camera, and walked down the stairs.

"For Tara MaClay, all the world is a stage. A theater major, she helps run a drama program for underprivelaged children."

As she clapped, Buffy stared off to her right, trying to spot Giles. When she found him, he gestured to her to look forward.

"California!"

Buffy's head snapped forward, and she didn't move. "Buffy," said Cordelia. "That's you! Go!"

"Really?" she asked with an excited smile.

"Buffy Anne Summers is a music major. She loves Green Day, Goldfinger, Ghost of the Robot, and like any true California girl, The Beach Boys. She enjoys taking long, luxourious bubble baths while listening to her favorite tunes."

"And our fifth finalist.......Texas!"

Glory raised her head high and proud, as though, once again, she'd somehow known that she was gonig to make it this far.

“Glorificus Franklin is a psychology major. In her spare time, she and her brother Benjamin work in a homeless shelter, and she eats as much Mexican food as she can get!”

As the audience clapped, Maggie said, “Thank you, ladies! You were magnificent!”

As the rest of the girls filed off the stage, Kennedy stepped out of place and ran towards the front of the stage, yelling, “I just want all the lesbians out there to know, if I can make it to the Top Ten, so can you! Big out to Brooklyn!” As Angel walked up behind her and dragged her offstage, she screamed out, “Amy! I love you, baby!”

With a disbelieving look on his face, Clem said, “And we’ll be back with our final five lesbians—interviews!” he quickly corrected.

***

“In a way,” Willow said. “America is like a big ship. And when we work together, and respect each other...that’s when the ship gets safely home.”

The audience clapped at the marvelous answer, and backstage, Giles mumbled, “Terrific answer. Damn it.”

“California,” Maggie said, and read off the card. “As you may know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated and antifeminist. What would you say to them?”

“Oh, god,” Giles muttered.

“Well,” Buffy said. “I would have to say....I used to be one of them. And then I came here...and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And.....we’ve become really good friends. I mean, I know that we all secretly hope that the other will fall flat on her face. But hey! Already done that, haven’t I?” The audience laughed, and the judges smiled at her honesty. “And for me, this experience has been one of the most rewarding.....and....liberating experiences of my life.”

The audience cheered, and Giles said, “My god. I did it!”

But Buffy wasn’t done yet. “And if anyone....anyone.....tries to hurt one of my new friends....I would take them out.” A look of nausea swept over Maggie’s face. “I would make them suffer so much, they’d wish they were never born. And if they ran....I would hunt them down. Thank you, Maggie.”

Clem turned to the audience, eyes twinkling, and mouth open in a smile. He began clapping and the auditorium soon followed suit.

“A brief shining moment,” Giles said. “And then that mouth.”

***

As Buffy adjusted her dress, Kendra walked by. “Good luck, ladies,” she said.

“Kendra!” Anya said. “Where’s the crown? I wanted to rub it for good luck.”

“Oh, Adam took it to get polished. But I’ll have it by the time they announce the winner.”

Buffy’s eyes widened, and she turned to Giles. “Oh my god! It’s the crown!”

“Yes!” he said, thinking she was talking about the big moment coming up. “You can taste it now, can’t you?”

“Nonononono! The thing, it’s in the crown!”

She tried to tell him more, but Angel pushed her on stage.

***

Spike wandered around backstage, searching for Adam.


***

“And now,” Clem said. “The moment of truth and beauty. The envelope, please.”

Spike pushed his way past Giles, and looked for Buffy onstage. Seeing her gesture at her head, he shook his. She made two little horns with her fingers, and he looked at her as if she were crazy. “The crown!” she mouthed.

“The fourth runner up,” said Clem. “Is......Maine!”

Buffy squeezed Tara’s hand as her friend made her way off stage.

“The third runner up is.......Tennesee!”

Anya smiled as she walked off, disappointment shining in her eyes.

Buffy glanced at Spike and mouthed “The crown!” once more. Spike looked around, and when his eyes landed on the head of the giant Statue of Liberty replica, he spotted Adam. Pulling out his gun, he made his way up, unaware that a security officer was on his tail.

“The second runner up is.....Texas!”

***

Spike walked up the staircase, gun drawn when he heard someone behind him demand, “Drop it!” Turning around, he saw a sniveling, balding man. “I mean it! Drop it!”

“Listen,” Spike said. “I’m just going to reach for my badge......”

“Do it, and you’re---“ he never got to finish his sentence as Spike backhanded him into a table.

***

Glory’s smile dropped almost immediately, and she walked to the front, shrugging her shoulders as if to say, “What are you gonna do?”

“And now...the first runner up, who will take the crown if for some reason the winner is unable to fulfill her duties is..........California, which means that the new Miss United States is Rhode Island!”

Buffy hugged Willow and whispered fiercely in her ear, “Don’t take the crown!”

“What?” Willow asked as Buffy was pulled away. “I can’t hear you!”

“Don’t take the crown!” Buffy screamed.

Clem began to sing the anthem, and Willow strained to hear what Buffy was saying as the sash was placed around her. Angel attempted to haul Buffy offstage, and she flailed her arms.

***

Seeing Kendra walk onstage with the crown, Adam got the controller ready.

***

Kendra placed the crown on Willow’s head, who was crying.

Buffy, seeing that her friend was now in life-threatening danger, flipped Angel over her shoulder. When Scott came up to her and tried to stop her, she used the same nose-breaking technique on him that she had used on Spike. Running up to Willow, Buffy attacked her, desperately trying to get the crown off her head. Willow screeched, and swatted at Buffy with her flowers. Ignoring the petals flying everywhere, Buffy tried harder to get the crown off of her friend’s head. Anya and Glory pushed Buffy back, and Willow straightened herself out.

***

Seeing his opportunity, Adam raised the remote, only to be punched in the face by a very angry bleached blond. Spike grabbed Adam’s arm, and hit it against one of the railings, until the man released the tiny remote, which flew to the edge of the stairs.

***

Buffy pushed her way through the girls, and made her way to Willow again. This time, she tore the crown off with no problems. Glory ran at her, and attempted to pull the crown away.

***

Adam slammed his fist into Spike’s back, causing the man to tumble down the stairs, bringing Adam with him.

Maggie stepped back slightly on stage, and saw what was taking her son so long. “Damn police,” she muttered.

Adam and Spike reached for the remote at the same time, but their combined efforts caused it to fall even further off the edge. Backing away, Maggie ever so discreetly picked up the remote.

***

Buffy wrestled with Glory for the crown as Willow sobbed. Finally getting fed up, Buffy punched Glory in the nose, sending her flying into the audience. Buffy turned the crown around in her hands, trying to find where the bomb was.


As Spike wrestled with Adam, he looked up and saw Buffy with the crown and Maggie with the remoted. “Buffy!” he screamed. Buffy looked up and saw Maggie with the trigger. Maggie raised it, and Buffy threw the crown into the head of the Statue of Liberty replica, just as Maggie pressed the button.

As soon as it hit the statue, the crown exploded, causing large pieces of the head to fall onstage, the force of the explosion knocking Maggie down.

Seeing that if she head worn the crown she would have died, Willow fainted right into Buffy’s arms.

***

“I was right in the middle of my song,” shouted Clem at the reporters, gesturing wildly with his hands. “And there was this BIG explosion!”

Buffy led Maggie, who was now handcuffed, down the stairs to the patrol car. “You people got nothing on me,” Maggie said. “This is ridiculous.”

“Oh don’t worry,” Spike said. “Where you’re going, I’m sure they’d love to meet a former beauty queen.”

“Yeah,” Buffy agreed. “And when he says meet he means M-E-A-T.”

As she attempted to shove the older woman in the car, Maggie turned around and said, “Miss Summers, you don’t understand. All I’m guilty off is trying to make the world a more beautiful place! I mean, look at yourself! When I met you, John Goodman looked better in a dress! Now look at you! I did that!”

Disgusted with the woman, Buffy said, “No! Giles did that, and a team of highly specialized people who make you, you know....beautiful, you know what? Get in the damn car.” She tried to push Maggie in, but she would have none of it.

“You think you saved something tonight,” she sneered. “But all you did was destroy the dream of young girls around the country!”

“You think their dream is to get blown up? You are more twisted than I thought, and you got a really good shot at an insanity plea.”

After she was finally pushed into the car, Maggie snapped, “I earned it! 20 years of bitching beauty queens, and what do I get? FIRED! They stole my life! This is my show, this is my beauty pageant!”

“Hey! HEY!” Buffy snapped. “This is not a beauty pageant! This is a scholarship program!”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Yes,” Buffy hissed, and closed the door. As the car drove away, she yelled after it, “Good luck running the Miss San Antonio Women’s Correctional Facility Pageant!” Buffy snorted at her joke, and turned around, only to find Spike right behind her. “Get it? The Women’s Correctional Facility ---“

Spike cut her off. “You did great work tonight, luv.”

Smiling at the praise, she said, “Yeah? You weren’t so bad yourself.” Pausing, she said, “So how does it feel? Throwing the rule book out the window?”

“Pretty damn good, actually.”

“Told ya.”

As they began to walk, Spike said, “Listen, I was wondering....you know, after we get back to Sunnydale.....and you get all ugly again.....if you....I don’t know....would like to have dinner sometime?”

Smiling smugly, Buffy asked, “You asking me out on a date?”

“What?” he scoffed. “No. Just a casual dinner between two people. If we happen to have sex afterwards.....so be it.”

Unable to resist, Buffy began her song again. “You think I’m gorgeous....you wanna date me....” Spike rolled his eyes and started to walk away. “Love me and marry me.....” The last part came out softly as Buffy tugged Spike down for a kiss. They pulled back for a second, before leaning back in.

***

"C'mon," Spike said the next day as he and Buffy walked out of the hotel hand-in-hand. "You have to admit, a part of you's going to miss this."

"I know I'll miss the heels. They did something for my posture. And suddenly, I'm very aware and proud of my breasts...."

"Funny," Spike smirked. "Me too."

Just then, Giles came running out. “Agent Summers! Agent Matthews! Thank goodness you’re here! There’s been an emergency at the breakfast! Someone found some kind of....incendiary device!”

Not letting him say another word, Buffy rushed past him into the building. Pushing her way through the girls, she stopped in the aisle long enough to hear Willow say, “She saved our lives, she saved our beauty pageant, and here she is!”

“Oh, no!” Buffy shook her head. “I am not going up there.”

“We knew we’d never get you here unless you had a chance to shoot someone,” Giles said.

Spike walked up with her to the podium. She stood there awkwardly, and Willow said, “Ladies and gentlemen, Agent Buffy Summers of the FBI!” Buffy blushed, and took Spike’s hand as the other 48 girls cheered for her. She tried to walk away, but Willow pulled her back. “No! Not so fast! Because even though you’re a federal officer, to us, you’ll always be Buffy Anne. The nicest, sweetest, coolest girl at the pageant and this year’s Miss Congeniality!”

Angel brought the sash and statue over to Buffy, and Willow moved aside so Buffy could make a speech.

“I, uh....I don’t know what to say....” Buffy said. glancing down at the sash around her, she said, “I can't wear this to work.” All the girls giggled, and Spike squeezed her hand tighter. “I never thought anything like this would happen to me....actually, I kinda hoped it wouldn’t. But....it has, so I just want to say that.....I’m very, uh.....very honored.....And...moved....” She began to get teary-eyed. “And....touched. And.......” After a long pause, she added, “I really do want world peace!”

There was a chorus of ‘Aww’s and the girls made their way up to hug her. Buffy felt a tug on her hand, and she looked up at Spike, who swept her into a kiss.

Oh yeah.

Life was good for Buffy Anne Summers, Miss Congeniality.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
 

Epilogue:

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Buffy slammed Parker Abrams against the hood of the car, and pulled his hands behind his back.

"You're under arrest for the possession of marijauna. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you."

From his smashed place on the car, Parker asked, "Who are you, woman?!"

Pushing him down even farther, she said, "First off, my name isn't 'woman'. Second, I'm Agent Buffy Summers-Matthews. Now, what excuse do you have for the drugs?" 'Keeping it for a friend. It's always "keeping it for a friend"'

"I-I'm just....keeping it for a friend."

'Bingo'

"Yeah, yeah. Heard that one before." Buffy turned as she heard the squeal of a patrol car. She watched as Spike climbed out, and ran towards her, Xander on his tail.

"You alright, luv?" Spike asked his wife.

Holding Parker down as she continued to struggle, she said, "Could use some help here!"

Xander walked around, and took Parker away from Buffy and put him in cuffs.

As Xander read Parker his rights, Buffy melted into her husbands embrace. Looking up at him, she said, "Well, that's a different way to spend our 3 month anniversary, isn't it?"

Spike chuckled, and nodded in agreement.

As they walked hand-in-hand to their apartment, Spike asked, "So how did your doctor's appointment go?"

Buffy smiled. "It went.....well."

Frowning, Spike said, "I don't like the way you said that." Concern for his wife overwhelmed him, and he placed his hand on her forehead. "Did she find something?"

Buffy smiled mischeviously. "She found something....."

"Stop that! What did she find?!"

"She told me why I've been so sick lately...."

"...and...?"

She took the hand clasped in hers, and placed it on her stomach. "You know how we've been trying....?"

Spike's eyes lit up. "You mean you're...?"

"Yep!" Buffy said, popping the 'p'. She squealed as Spike picked her up and spun her around. Laughing, she said, "Spike! Put me down!" He immediately froze, and placed her on the ground as though she were made of glass.

"Are you okay? I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Buffy laughed at his over-concern, and said, "Spike.....I feel so bad for this kid. With you as it's father."

"I'm gonna teach him everything."

"But what if it's a girl?"

"I'll teach her everything, then."

"But what about when she goes on dates?" Buffy waited for the explosion, and he didn't disappoint.

"No! No boys come near her! She--I won't---NO DATES!"

Buffy laughed, and Spike frowned at her. "'S not funny."

"Yeah it is! Can you imagine--" Buffy was cut off by the sharp chirping of her phone. "Hello?"

"..."

"Willow! How are you?"

"..."

"Oh god."

"...:"

"Are you serious?"

"..."

"Ok. Thanks." She hung up the phone, and turned to Spike. "That was Willow. She had some interesting information for us...."

"US? No. ME. YOU are not going ANYWHERE in your condition."

"Spike," she sighed. "I'm pregnant. Not porcelin."

"Same thing!"

"Shut up."

"You wound me."

"I bet I do," Buffy murmurred, and leaned up for a kiss.

&&&

THE
END

&&&