Chapter 17


Annoyed, Buffy wrenched her hand from his grasp. "I'm not cattle, SPIKE. You can't push me around and tell me what to do. If you want to come with me, that's fine, but I am not going to be made to feel as if I need to be shackled to your side. Do you understand ME?"

Spike gritted his teeth and was about to respond, when she took off. He started for her and Willow grabbed his arm. "Just give her a minute."
Spike started to protest, but Willow cut him off. "Do you want to drive her clear away?"

Spike stopped. Sighing, he replied. "No."

"Then give her a minute. No woman—hell no person, likes to be told what
to do. I think I understand why you felt the need to do that, but you can't
expect to come on all strong all of sudden and expect her to be okay with
it."

"I'm new to this Willow," Spike admitted, with an air of defeat. "I don't
know all that I'm doing here. I'm saying things and implying things that I . .
. I just want her to come to me."

"And she will."

Spike stared at her imploringly, "Will she?"

"Why don't we find someplace to talk?"
Spike looked toward where Buffy had headed, unwilling to let her out of his
sight.

"You want her to come to you right?" Willow asked.

Spike nodded, slightly pouting.

"Then make her wonder where you disappeared to," Willow grinned.

Spike smiled broadly. "You're a smart bird, I ever tell you that?"

Willow chuckled. "Once or twice."



It'd been a little difficult to find a place they could talk, but they happened
upon a fire exit that had just been vacated and they took up residence
there.

Once out there, beers in hand, Willow started in on her line of questioning.

"So Buffy told me about Drusilla. That's her name right?"

Spike nodded and grinned, "It is. I'm sure she had something other than
that to call her right? She's awfully fond of ‘Bride of Dracula'."

"She's jealous."

"Jealous because she wants me as a man, or because it threatens her
friendship with me?"

"Both."

Spike looked at her hopefully. "Do you really think so Wills?"

"Yes. Are you dating Drusilla? I mean, what's the deal with her?"

"She's a friend. A good friend."

"That's it?"

"That's it. I don't even think she has any interest in anything else with me.
She's been all about helping me get Buffy."

"Really?" Willow asked, surprised.

"Yeah," Spike replied, scratching the back of his neck in a thoughtful
manner. "It's kind of weird actually. It was like she knew right away that . .
. "

"You were in love with Buffy."

Spike looked down. "Yeah." His head popped up. "So you've known huh?"

"For a very long time."

"Does she . . .?"

"Are you asking me to disclose private information?"

"No, never mind. I don't want you to do that."

"William, I gotta tell you that if you aren't dating Drusilla, you need to tell
Buffy that."

"Is she—?"

"I'm not disclosing private information, remember? I'm just telling you, to
let her know."

"I guess I kind of wanted to make her wonder a little since I wasn't sure
about Finn."

"Are your fears about him laid to rest now?"

"Possibly."

"So just for clarification purposes, and you don't have to answer me, but
when Dru was making you over, you and her didn't. . . you know?"

"Willow Rosenburg, are you talking about SEX?" he asked in a hushed
whisper, in mock shock.

"Dork. Yes, I'm talking about sex."

Spike grinned, "No, we never."

"So then, have you . . . ?"

Spike blushed and turned away, "Not at all embarrassing, Red."

"I thought with this new outlook on life you've adopted things like that
wouldn't embarrass you."

"I'm still me, Wills. I'm still the same old William, just a few things about
me are more pronounced than they ever were."

"Like actively pursuing Buffy."

"Right. And it's hard sometimes ya know? Like for example, when we got
here. I felt myself getting shy and uneasy about being here. I kept seeing
the same old scenario of me sitting in the corner and watching Buffy,
wishing I could punch every guy that touched her or talked to her, and
wishing it were me she was with all night."

"She always comes back to you William, doesn't that tell you something?"

"Yeah, but. . . I don't want to settle for just that anymore."

"I understand."

"So anyway, I felt ‘William' coming through. I had to shove that part of me
down, I don't want to be that shy guy anymore. I want to be the guy that
Buffy doesn't feel she has to coddle and mother all the time. I want to take
care of her for once."

"William, you always have taken care of her."

"Not the same way as she has me. I want to be a man for her Wills, not a
boy."

Willow nodded. "I see."

"And I had this plan where I'd make her want me so that she'd . . . and I
find myself saying these things like earlier about conserving water and I've
never. . . and then I wonder what the hell will I do if she does jump me?"

Willow giggled, "I'm not laughing at you, I'm not. It's just. . . Well, to be
frank? Looking at you now William, you don't look like a virgin. You look
like you've been around the block and then some."

Spike grinned, his chest puffing out. "Thanks."

"And I think when the moment comes, instinct will take over somewhat
and whatever doesn't, Buffy will be there to guide you."

"I love her Wills. I have for a long, long time. I want to be worthy of her
love in return."

"You are William. You always have been worth of it and she's always
thought so. It's why she was so afraid she was losing you."

"So she. . . loved the old me?"

"I can't speak for her, but I really think she did, she DOES."

"So . . . baby steps?"

"Baby steps."



Buffy's eyes scoured the room as she sipped her beer and stood in the dark
corner, trying not to make it obvious in case William was nearby that she
was looking for him. Had been for the past fifteen minutes. She was starting
to get impatient. And Willow was missing too. Great, did she have to be
jealous of her now too?

"Hey gorgeous," the drunk door greeter slurred in her ear.

She jumped and wrinkled her nose as the scent of his breath wafted to her
nose. "Uh, hi," she said turning to face him.

"Where'd your boyfriend go?"

"He's not my boyfriend."

"He's not?"

"Nope."

"Fuck buddy?"

"What? No! We're roommates and best—"

"Ah, live in fuck buddy."

"You're disgusting," she spat and started to walk away.

The guy grabbed her and slammed her up against him, walking her
backwards around the corner and into what appeared to be a bedroom. He
ground his erection into her. She wanted to throw up. "No reason you can't
share the wealth, bitch," the guy sneered.

"Get off me!" she shouted at him and shoved him.

He shoved her against the wall, hard. "Come on baby. Don't be coy."

Slamming his lips against hers and catching her off guard, Buffy lost some of
her balance, thereby sending her into his arms. He grinded and she pushed,
feeling something akin to panic set in.

"Get AWAY from me! Get OFF me!" she yelled, hoping someone would
round the corner or hear her above the music and chatter.

"Don't be such a bitch," drunk guy slurred and slobbered on her neck.

"Buffy?" William.

Relief flooded through her and she nearly sobbed William's name.

That's when she watched in amazement as William hauled the guy off her
and punched him dead in the face. He crumbled to the ground in a heap,
passed out. He turned to her, "Are you all right?"

She burst into tears. "He just wouldn't stop touching me. I kept saying ‘no'
and he was gross and no one was coming. Will, I want to go home!"

He took her in his arms, ran his fingers through her hair soothingly as she
held onto him for dear life and cried into his shoulder.

"Can we go?" she whimpered.

He nodded. "We'll collect Willow and go all right?"

"Okay."

Wrapping his arm around her, he kicked the guy for good measure in the
ribs and led her out of the room.

"Hey there," Willow started cheerily, bouncing up to them and then
stopped. "What happened?"

"Some guy didn't know how to take no for an answer," William explained.
"Coming?"

"Definitely. Should someone tell Riley?"

"I just want to go," Buffy whimpered and snuggled into Williams embrace.

"We're gone," Willow declared and they made for the exit.

Buffy relaxed once they were out of the apartment. William turned her in
his arms and studied her. "Did he hurt you bad?"

"Just scared me," she told him. "He just took me by surprise and I thought
with all those people around . . ."

"Sometimes that's when it's easier for someone to do something like that,"
Willow explained. "Busy party, no one really talking all that much and you
see something across a room that looks like a couple making out and you
don't pay much attention . . . I'm sorry Buffy."

"I think once I got over the shock I could have done something," Buffy said
softly.

"You're safe now," William said gently, brushing some hair away from her
face.

She nodded. "Take me home?"

"Of course luv."

 

Chapter 18


Willow opted to drive back to the apartment since she knew that Buffy was still shook up and William would want to comfort her. Buffy slid into the backseat on shaky legs and placed herself right up against the door. She clicked the lock into place and stared out the window.

William slid in next to her and took her hand. She looked over at him and that was all it took. In an instant she was in his arms. He held her tightly against him, looking as if he were a shield in which to guard her from all the nasties in the world. Willow smiled; for that's just what he was. For so long, Buffy had been Williams shield, and now William got the chance to show her that he could do it for her as well. That he was the man he wanted to be for her. She just hoped Buffy wouldn't shove him away with both hands. Though, from the way she nestled in his embrace, it didn't appear she'd be shoving him away for quite some time.

*************************************************************************

"Do you need anything?" Willow asked the couple when they'd all climbed out of the car at the apartment.

Buffy shook her head. "Sorry the festivities ended so early," she mumbled.

"Hush up, pet. Not your fault some creep can't keep his hands to himself," Spike gently
admonished her and kissed her forehead.

She nodded and faced Willow. "Thanks Wills."

"I didn't do anything. If you don't need anything, I think I'm going to shove off."

"We're good," Spike said, "Thanks Wills."

"Would you guys stop with the thanks already? I didn't do anything special." She
smiled broadly and Spike winked at her before turning and guiding Buffy to the stairs.

"Pet? You want some ice cream? Maybe we could watch a movie together?" Spike
asked, as they made their way up the stairs.

"That sounds nice," Buffy agreed on a mumble. "I want to shower first."

"I understand. What do you want to watch?"

"How about ‘Old School'? I could use a laugh."

"Sounds good. I'll get the ice cream ready too. I think we still have some chocolate
syrup in the fridge. You want?"

"Is the Pope Catholic?"

Spike chuckled, "There's my saucy girl."


************************************************************************


Two hours later, Buffy and Spike sat on the couch in their living room, laughing along
to the movie and having long ago finished their ice cream.

Spike was in heaven as Buffy seemed to crave the comfort of his touch. At the moment,
his back was against the corner of the couch and Buffy sat between his legs while his arms were
wrapped around her protectively. He could still smell the scent of her lightly scented shampoo
and the body wash she'd scrubbed herself with. Every once in a while he took to stealing whiffs
of her hair and would gently bury his nose in it.

As the credits rolled, Buffy turned in his arms and studied him, her expression blank.
Spike kept still, waiting for her to speak.

"I didn't thank you for what you did, did I?" she asked quietly.

"Pet, you don't—"

"Thank you," she cut him off.

He nodded once, briskly, "You're welcome."

And still she stared at him. His hands were itching to caress the side of her face, his lips
were aching to kiss her and his nose was twitching to inhale her scent. What she did next
nearly made him stop breathing.

Adjusting herself so that she kneeled between his legs facing him, she reached out and,
using her pointer finger, trailed a path from the top of his forehead, down the side of his face to
the scar he'd acquired as a child on his brow, down the slope of his nose and up and down his
sharp cheekbones. She traced his lips, and ended at the slope of his neck.

"I never told you before how handsome I always thought you were," she said plainly.

"Pet—"

"You are. I always thought so. Did you know that before you started changing, I
thought you were adorable. I always thought you were cute, but that day when you were
making a grocery list so diligently, I thought how adorable you were. Then later when I saw
you without a shirt on, when I walked in your room and you were on your bed resting, I
thought about what an incredible body you have underneath all those clothes."

Spike's breath hitched.

"You thought I never saw you, that you had to change for me to see you. But I'd already
seen you. I always had, I just didn't . . . and when you were on display for me…" She smiled
small, "You're hot William."

"Buffy," he breathed and entangled his fingers in her hair, bringing her forehead
against his. "Do you know what I thought when I first laid eyes on you?"

She smiled, "That I was dumb because I was a cheerleader and because I was dating
Riley."

"How did you--?"

"You told me."

He closed his eyes. "No, I – I thought you were the most gorgeous woman I'd ever
seen."

"Really?'

"Yes," he whispered, "God yes. It's always been you Buffy, don't you know that by
now?"

"What about Drusilla?"

"I never cared for her that way."

"Have you spoken to her recently?"

"Buffy, I don't want to talk about her right now. Or Riley, or anybody or anything that
isn't in this room."

"Did you want to talk about the movie? It's in the room."

He smiled. "Brat." Then he turned serious. "I want to talk about your lips."

"My lips? What about them?"

"How plump they are," he dipped her head back slightly and, taking a chance that he
had to mentally take a deep breath for, he traced her lips with his tongue lightly. He figured
he'd done well when she whimpered under his touch and her eyes closed, her mouth parting
slightly. "How good they taste," he murmured and covered her lips with his own this time. It
was a slow and sensual kiss, all about exploring and for pushing for anything. He'd let her be
the guide for what touches would be taken and given. He figured after what had happened
after the party, it'd be too soon to get grabby. He wanted Buffy to be completely comfortable
with him in all aspects. He wanted her to accept him and his advances. And, he wanted her to
guide him in the art of lovemaking.

Breaking apart, only for the need to gather breath, Spike watched in fascination as she
licked her lips and slowly opened her eyes. "You taste good too," she told him shyly. Buffy
shy? Since when? It was amazing to him.

He smiled, "Thank you."

"William…will you do something for me if I ask?"

"Christ Buffy, there isn't much I wouldn't do for you, you should know that."

"Will you hold me tonight? Just hold me?" her cheeks reddened and her eyes looked
down.

"Look at me Buffy," he demanded gently.

Her eyes flew to his. "Why are you so shy with me?"

She shrugged. "I've never . . . any of it. . . with you."

"I know what you mean," he whispered. "Bed now kitten?"

She nodded and moved off the couch. Standing she reached out her hand and he took it
in his big one as she helped him up. He followed her to her bedroom, thinking himself the
luckiest bloke in the world. He didn't have to have sex with her. He didn't have to fondle her or
grope her. She didn't even have to fondle or grope him. All he had to do was hold her.



And that was enough.

 

Chapter 19

Spike opened his eyes to find Buffy smiling somewhat demurely at him. She lay on her side, facing him and just watching him as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do, as if she'd done it before.

"Hi," he greeted her sleepily. He ran a hand down her arm. "How are you?"

"Good. Did you sleep okay?"

"Like a rock. Better than I ever had in my room."

"Really?"

He nodded, grinning, "Must be the company."

"Must be," she said and looked down shyly.

Unable to resist her any longer, Spike scooted closer to her so that their thighs were touching. She looked up at him, surprised.

"Can only resist your allure for so long, kitten," he informed her.

She smirked, "You mean my morning breath?

"Real romantic pet."

"Will?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you – Will you come with me today?"

"Where?"

"To the university? I have to pick up some papers and sign some papers. Maybe I can find out what classes I'll have to take
and—"

He pressed a finger to her lips. "You know I'll come with you."

"Will?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you and Dru ever have sex?" Buffy asked, looking down again.

That wasn't what he'd expected. He blinked. "No."

"Did you . . . do anything else?"

"Told you I never felt that way for her."

"What was the exact nature of your relationship then?" she asked slightly exasperated and this time looking up at him.

"This is really bugging you innit?"

She pursed her lips together. "Nope, not at all. Forget I said anything," and she started to roll over.

Spike grabbed her about the waist and brought her back to him. "Nope, not getting away from me that fast kitten."

She was pouting. He didn't think she knew just quite what her pout did to him. Turned him to jelly, made him want to rip the world apart to find who made her pout so he could make it better and. . turned him on.

"Nothing sexual happened between us, Buffy. Did anything happen with you and Riley?"

She shook her head.

"Can I kiss you now?"

"I have bad breath."

"I don't care. I love you."

Her eyes widened, "Wh—what?"

He met her eyes, "I love you, Buffy. I always have and I always will."

"Y—you have?"

"You didn't know?" "I . . . no. I mean I always knew that we were close and you liked being with me. I . . . Will. . . I . . ."

Spike used that opportunity to get what he wanted and alleviate her apparent frustration and stress by pulling her closer and
kissing her. When breathing became an issue, he rested his forehead against hers. "Buffy, it's okay. I know this is a lot all at once
to deal with. Just the fact that you're not running scared from me is enough."

She responded by wrapping her arms around him and holding him to her tightly. "No, I wouldn't."

"Will?"

"Yeah?"

"Does that mean that you . . . that is . . . you never . . . Will, are you a virgin still?"

He really didn't like the ‘still' tacked on to the end of that question, but it wasn't like she didn't know about his status as a virgin.
Of course she knew. And he knew all about hers as a non-virgin. The thought had him holding onto her tighter. He didn't like the idea of any of those morons she dated touching his Angel. They weren't worthy of her. He wanted to be her one and only, just as she was going to be for him. No girl came before, and no girl would come after—a fact that she didn't know yet, but would soon enough.

"Yes, Buffy, I'm still a virgin."

A wide smile split her face.

"What's with the grin?"

"I like that you're untouched. That she didn't . . . that noone . . . defiled you."

He couldn't help but chuckle at that. "I'm as pure as the driven snow, pet."

"I'll be happy to be your plow," she told him.

Spike burst out laughing, "My dirty little minx." He stopped laughing when he felt her hand rub his length through his boxers.
His half hard member surged to full length at her touch. He groaned and his eyes fluttered shut. "Buffy," he moaned.

"Look at me," she whispered her order.

His eyes flew open and met hers. The green in her eyes had darkened to lust. He was shocked to learn that he had in fact seen
that look of hunger in her eyes. Before his ‘change', when he was just ‘William'.

"Buffy," he breathed.

Her hand had wormed inside his boxers and she had pushed them down a bit to gain easier access. "I'm not going to put my mouth on you just yet, William," she told him huskily. "I just want to give you a preview, ease you in a bit. Sound good?"

"Oh Christ, yes," he moaned loudly as she stroked him and flicked the head with her thumb, spreading his dripping precum
around his head and down the length of him.

"Have you jerked off in your room William?" she asked him.

"Y-yes."

"Did you think of me?"

"Always," he groaned as she squeezed him.

"Kiss me, William."

He obliged her, devouring her mouth with his own as she stroked him languidly up and down. "God, Buffy," he broke off, "I
need—I need—"

"Faster? Harder?" And this time she obliged him, pumping him faster and squeezing him harder.

"Buffy!" he roared and his eyes rolled back in his head, his back arched and he started to come on the bed and on her fingers.
He was too far gone to care about that. He was panting and lightheaded, having had the most intense orgasm he'd ever
experienced. Nothing could compare to having the woman he loved more than anything in the world stroke him to orgasm. He
didn't think he'd be able to masturbate again after that. Good bye hand cramp. Grabbing the towel she'd used to dry her hair
from the night before on her floor at the side of her bed, she cleaned her hand off and what she could of the globs left on her
sheet.

"Did you like that?" she asked and bit down on his earlobe gently, when she snuggled back up to him.

He answered her by toppling her, covering her body with his. He kissed her voraciously, unable to get enough of her. He wanted
to drink her, imbibe her, be joined to her forever. His member was surging to life again.

She slightly pushed at him and rolled him onto his back. She straddled him and he could feel her hot center pressing down just
about his hardening member.

"Buffy," he whimpered.

"Not yet."

"Why not?" now he pouted.

"Because you've been driving me crazy for these past few weeks – especially these past few days – with wanting you. Now, I
get to drive you crazy."

"Buffy, I've been wanting you for years. Crazy doesn't even begin to compare to how insane I'll go if I don't ---get you."

"How romantic, Will," she said dryly, but she was smirking. She leaned down and kissed him sweetly. "So much I want to teach
you first, Will," she whispered against his lips as he buried his hands in her hair.

"Teach me everything," he begged and kissed her voraciously.

"I will," she promised, rubbing against him.

Feeling bold, Spike untangled one hand from her hair and dipped it in between their bodies, seeking out her center. To gain
better access, he rolled them to their sides. Before she could make a comment, he dipped his hand inside her shorts and then
inside her panties. She was hot. And wet.

Her eyes shot open. "William!" she exclaimed, her voice laced with desire.

Experimentally, he rubbed his hand over her folds and watched her face for what felt right.

"Put your finger inside me," she said huskily.

"Which one?"

"Middle."

Curling his hand a bit, he probed his middle finger around, afraid to just thrust it inside her and unsure where.

She took care of the problem by guiding his finger to her opening and pushing it inside.

"Oh God, Buffy," he moaned. He'd known pleasuring her would bring him some amount of pleasure, but he had no idea how
much until he felt her slick walls tighten around his finger and saw the look of passion and desire for him on her face. She allowed
him inside her body. She trusted him inside. He couldn't imagine how profound it'd feel to have his cock inside her. William
started coming up with prose for this event.

She was rubbing against him as he started stroking his finger in and out of her. "Does that feel good?" he asked his voice husk.

"Your finger inside me and your th-thumb is right on my –oh god-clit."

He flicked his thumb and she bucked against him. Feeling the hard nubbin out, he flicked his thumb continuously as he worked
his finger in and out of her.

"Will!" she keened and he felt her come on his hand as her walls tightened around him. It was amazing to him. He nearly came
thinking about how that would feel on his dick.

He wanted a taste of her now. Stroking her softly as she came back down, Spike gently extracted his hand and brought it to his
mouth. She watched dazedly as he sucked his finger in his mouth. His eyes rolled up.

"You taste like honey," he murmured. He looked at her hungrily. "I want more."

She jumped off the bed before he could make another move. She squealed with delight when he tried to grab her. She ran to the
bathroom. "Not yet William! We have things to do!"

"Buffy!" he shouted to her. Silence met him. "I love you!"

Silence again, then, "I know!"

He smiled. For now, that was all he needed.
 

Chapter 20

Spike sat in the quad of the college campus, Buffy having told him to wait for her as she went in to talk with her advisor. He leaned against the tree behind him and closed his eyes. So, this was what bliss felt like. He felt like a new man. More so than he did when ‘Spike' emerged. He felt regenerated, like the world was his oyster and Buffy was the one holding the shell.

"I hope it's me that's making you smile like that."

Spike grinned and popped his eyes open looking up at Buffy standing there
in her pink skirt and white tank, holding some papers with her purse slung
across her shoulder.

"Always you luv." He tugged on her hand. Come sit with me."

She obliged him, settling herself with her back to his front.

"Get everything squared away?" he asked, propping his chin on her
shoulder.

"Yep. I just sign up for classes in a week and then it's all systems go."

"Excited?"

"Yes. And nervous. . . and I feel kind of dumb."

"Dumb?" he frowned, "Why?"

"Because I just left and now I'm going back again. I mean, I know people
do that stuff when they go on to get their masters, but I feel like I'm
starting over again."

"Not exactly. You're just going further than you had."

"You make it sound as if it's a good thing."

"It is. You want more for yourself and there's nothing wrong with taking
steps to do that."

"Is that what it was like when you transformed yourself?"

"I never thought of it that way, I guess. I knew I wanted to be more of a
man for you—"

"Not just for me though, Will. There's too much pressure in that. So please
say it was for you. Don't let me be the entire reason. You had to want it to
make yourself feel good too."

"There's pressure in knowing you're my inspiration, my muse?"

"Oh yes," she said nodding emphatically.

"Why?"

"Will, we don't have to get into that –"

"Buffy, tell me. It's still me, remember? I'm still the William that helped
take care of you when you got your wisdom teeth pulled and your mouth
swelled up like a balloon. I'm still the William whose shoulder you cried on
when Parker told you, you were a cold fish. Which, I have to say after this
morning he's fucking nuts."

She giggled.

"So, tell me, please. I want to know what's on your mind. I want to know
everything."

She fell silent but he could tell by the gestures she was making with her
hands that she was trying to find the right words. Finally, "Because it
makes me feel as if I'm more than I am and . . . I don't want to disappoint
you.

"Disappoint me? Buffy, if this morning was any indication—"

"One day though William. One day you could grow tired of me. Or you
could want someone else. You could get bored."

"Don't want any girl in the world, Buffy. I only want you."

"You say that now."

"What makes you think anything'll change about that?" he asked, holding
her tighter against him, silently supporting her openness. "You know what
I think?"

"What?"

"I think it's an excuse. You're using my never-going-to-happen infidelity
and non wandering eye as an excuse for something else you're afraid of."

"I've protected you all the time Will."

"Okay," he said slowly, not sure where she was going with that.

"What happens if something goes wrong and I hurt you? Who will protect
you from me?"

Spike turned her in his arms, making her face him and hold her in his lap.
"Look at me," he ordered softly.

"Do you want to hurt me?"

"No."

"Do you plan to hurt me?"

"No."

"Would you hurt me given the chance?"

"Never."

"Then you won't. Not intentionally anyway."

"What if you want some other grass because this one just isn't green
enough? What if we have sex and you realize you want to try it out on
someone else?"

"Anyone ever tell you that you think too much?"

"Yes. You do all the time."

"It's true. You overanalyze much too much over something that should be
the least of your worries. Me leave you? I hate to break it to you Buffy, but
there's nothing you could do to make me leave your side. You could move
and I'd follow you. You could tell me you never want to see me again, and
I'd stalk you until you took me back. You could . . . kill me—"

"William!"

"And I'd haunt you. Nothing, Buffy, nothing will make me leave you. I've
had chances you know, opportunities. I'm pretty sure if I wanted to, Dru
would have been willing to teach me things—"

Buffy started to move off his lap and he held her fast. "No," he told her,
"listen to me."

She looked at him, but the look on her face let him know she was not happy
to be hearing this.

"When she took me out to that club and all those women were looking at
me and wanting me, the only one I was thinking of was you. The only one I
wanted to see me that night, was you."

"So you're saying it's me?" she smirked.

He leaned in and kissed her softly. "Yep."

She cupped his face in her hands. "When did you get so good at this stuff
Will?"

"Observing. I might not have said much or done much when we'd all go
out, but I was always watching and listening. I'd like to think I'd gathered
enough information over the years to know some of the basics of what to do
in a relationship."

"Will, I don't even know what to do in a relationship all the time. Mine
haven't exactly been note worthy."

"Then we'll do it together. Just like we'll take care of each other and
protect each other. Sound good to you?

"Will?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm done talking now. Will you take me home so I can teach you more
things?"



Buffy thought it was possible that conscientious Will had broken every
speeding record on their way back to the apartment. She had watched in
fascination as his member had not only risen, but stayed at attention
through the car ride home. And when she'd leaned over to nibble on his ear
and suck on his neck, she thought he'd cream his pants.

Once inside the apartment, he stalked her like a cat on the prowl. She
couldn't help but giggle, and not because it wasn't sexy –oh god was it! –
but because she found herself nervous. Nervous situations made her giggle.
Exploring anyone sexually for the first time was a little daunting, but this
was Will and it was his first time for it all. She wanted it to be special for
him. She stopped giggling. That wouldn't help his ego at all. Instead she
reached out and grabbed him, slamming her lips against his and wrapping her arms around him.

"Mmm…I love kissing you," she panted when she broke free. His lips
trailed down her neck, and he alternated between sucking and nipping at
her skin, causing goose bumps to form.

"You taste so good," he murmured. His head popped up, his eyes were
nearly black with lust. "I want to taste more." He grinned then and picked
her up, hauling her over his shoulder.

She swatted his behind and laughed. "You brute!"

"You like it," he told her and flipped her gently onto her bed. She looked up
at him. "I do," she agreed. She made fast work of kicking off her shoes and
then tugging off her pants and shirt. She started for her panties when
William grabbed her arm, halting her.

"No, I want to do that. For now, just let me . . . God, you're amazing. . . " he
gazed at her with such tenderness that her breath caught. Tossing his shirt
off, it was her turn to stare.

"Will, you're gorgeous," she blurted out.

He smiled, "Thank you, so are you."

"Come here," she crooked her finger at him."

Dipping his knee onto the bed, he started his prowl to her, gliding his hand
up her calf and down her thighs, just teasing his fingers on the edge of her
panties. That simple touch made her quiver.

"May I?" he asked, placing his hands on either side of her panties.

"Please," she nearly choked out.

He slowly slid her panties down her tanned and toned legs and discarded
them over his shoulder.

She figured he'd ask questions, take his time, maybe observe a bit. She was
wrong, Laying on his stomach, he spread her legs and dove in.

"Will," she managed to get out, "Do you know what--?"

"Let me try," he whispered and glided his hand down her slit. "You're
wet," he observed.

"Mmmm," she agreed.

"Is it because of me?" he asked, a taunting huskiness in his voice.

"Yes…"

"I want to taste you now," he informed her and licked the path his finger
had just taken. When he reached her clit, she twitched, trying not to grind
herself on him and scare him.

"Kitten likes it when I lick at her cream," he murmured deeply and this
time spread her lips with his fingers. "Now where's that little . . . mmm…
that it?" he asked and sucked her clit in his mouth.

"Oh Christ!" she shouted, her head dropping back onto the bed.

"Yep, that's it. Now what if I.." and he slid his finger inside her as he
suckled on her clit.

"Oh fuck…Will…oh god Will. . . " and she dug her fingers in his silky
platinum hair.

"I want more cream, kitten. Come for me so I can have more cream. . . "
He stopped sucking and twirled her clit with his tongue.

She was writhing, panting and moaning and she didn't care. She was
coming undone and just one little suck and she'd --

"Augghhhh!" she screamed out her ecstasy, her fingers now digging in the
bed so as not to hurt him. She felt him lapping at her and then he stopped.
When she looked back down at him, his head was on her thigh and he was
stroking it with his hand.

"You taste good, kitten. Can I have more?"

"Definitely, but not now."

"Why not?" he pouted.

She crooked her finger and he came up to her, kissing her hard. She rolled
him over and put his hands over his head. She smiled at him. "Because it's
my turn to have a taste."
 

Chapter 21

Buffy hovered over William, taking in his hooded, lust filled eyes and his scrumptiously bare chest. He was, in a word, beautiful. Gorgeous. A God. She was most definitely aroused and more than anything wanted to please him and in the process hopefully please herself. There was only one problem.

"Will, I've never done this before," she admitted.

His eyes widened. "What?"

"Blow job. Never done it before."

"You mean I'm—You've never?—" He was unknowingly undulating his hips
and she could feel him, tap, tap, tapping against her center. It was slowly
driving her wild and reminding her of what treats lay below.

She flipped herself over, facing his hardened cock and took it in her mouth;
sliding down and back up quickly. If he could do it with gusto, so could she.
His long moan of satisfaction was her answer that she'd done that okay.

What she lacked in experience, she could always make up in enthusiasm.
It'd worked for him. Worked well for him. Worked AWESOME for him. She
could feel her clit pulse and tighten at the thought of his mouth on her ---
which, it now was. Her head snapped up and to the side, looking over her
shoulder. Huh, whaddya know? She'd 69'd them without even thinking
about it. How's that for experimenting?

He grinned at her. "Looks like I get more cream after all."

Look at that smug little grin, she thought. She swiveled her head back to
his impressively long and thick member. She didn't have a ruler handy, but
she'd have to say it was at least 8 or 9 inches. She took it in her hand and
slid it down to the base. She fondled his balls and was only half disappointed
when she felt his talented tongue stop its talented work.

"Oh God, Buffy. . . " he breathed.

She grinned to herself and sucked him down again, continuing the motion a
few times. She wasn't getting all of him and it was frustrating. Deep
throating, that's what she wanted to do. Now how did Cosmo say to do it?
Oh yeah, relax the throat muscles. Taking a deep breath, she took him in
her mouth again as his finger found its way inside and he flicked her clit
with his tongue. He sucked hard on her at the same time she took him
down, down, down. And then swallowed.

"FUCK!" he shouted. "Buffy!"

All the way up, all the way down. Swallow.

"Oh God, Buffy… I'm. . . Jesus. . . Mary and Joseph. . . . "

She let him out with a plop. "Good to hear you calling on the saints baby."
Tentatively she licked his balls as she moved her hand up and down him.
He hissed. Then returned the favor by sucking her clit hard in his mouth.

Her eyes rolled back in her head and she moaned, undulating against him
and jacking him off with her hand. She was going to come soon and she
wanted him to come with her. He stabbed his tongue at her, doing some
kind of morse code with it and then sucked hard. Engulfing his member in
her mouth she swallowed him again and then glided back up to suck hard
on the tip, flicking her tongue across his slit on the head.

"MMM!!" he moaned loudly and doubled his ministrations. She did as well,
sucking his head hard into her mouth.

"Buffy!" he shouted and he erupted in her mouth. The first shot hit the
back of her throat and she swallowed. The second landed on her tongue and
she swallowed quickly as the third jet filled her mouth. After that she lost
track of how many spurts came in her mouth as her own orgasm took over
her and she came in his mouth. Some of his come dribbled out of the corner
of her mouth and she scooped it up with her finger and sucked his essence
inside. She tongue bathed him lovingly as he did her until he was clean and
shiny with her saliva. She decided she liked the taste. His taste. Taste of
William. Yum.

"Buffy," he breathed. "Let me see your face."

Flipping herself back round, she sprawled out on top of him.

He gazed up at her dazed, brushing some hair away from her face. "You're
going to be the death of me."

She giggled, "Ditto for you."

"You've never done that before?"

She shook her head.

"I'm a lucky bloke then aren't I?"

"Just as I'm a lucky girl."

"Just remember that so you can never leave me all right?" he said sleepily.

She rolled to his side and snuggled up to him as he turned to engulf her in
his strong arms.

"I think you wore me out," he chuckled.

"Mmm…same here. Sleep for a while?"

"Then I want to take my girl out. Let the world know that you're mine
now."

"Is that what I am? Yours?"

"Yep."

"Then you're mine as well," she said on a yawn.

"Always have been," he promised just before he drifted off. She watched
him as he slept, looking so angelic and peaceful. He'd allayed her fears for
the most part that day, the rest would come in time. It was hard to believe
he was still a virgin and that she was his first. She buried her head in his
chest. She just hoped he really didn't grow tired of her one day and want to
try all he'd learned on someone else. The thought brought tears to her eyes.
He was a red blooded British male after all. What if he wanted more?
He'd been breaking out of his shell more and more—What the hell would
she do if he decided he wanted to break free from her?

Her only consolation was that she hadn't told him she loved him back. And,
when she really thought about it, it wasn't much of a consolation at all. She
bit her lip. Who was she protecting now? Her or him?


 

Chapter 22:

Buffy woke up still thinking. God, she hated that. It was the type of sleep where you got some rest, but didn’t really feel the effects of it because your mind was still running. She peered over at the clock, twisting out of William’s arms. They’d been napping for two hours.

She looked up at William’s contented face, his
naked torso uncovered by the sheet that lay across them.
Her last thought before she’d fallen asleep echoed in her
mind: What would she do if he left her?

Crawling out of bed and quietly putting her
discarded clothes back on, her mind went on a whirlwind of
worst-case scenarios that weren’t all that worst case, but
could possibly be probable instead. Her mind heavy, her
heart feeling already broken and her nerves jumbled, she
asked herself what the hell was she doing getting involved
like this with William?

She thought back to their relationship in the
past, what they meant to each other and how it led them to
this moment. It seemed a natural course really. She’d saved
him from Riley’s bullying ways; she’d been the first girl that
was a friend. She’d gotten him out of the house and kept him
from holing himself up in his room with his nose in a book for
eternity, she’d attended college with him and she’d gotten him
to move out of his parent’s house. Then he claimed she was
the reason for this transformation of his.

Now they were sharing something that was
another first for William. Sex. Not all the way yet, but ‘sexual
relations’. Buffy rolled her eyes. Not to sound too much like Bill Clinton or anything. And the sharing of sexual relations was another first for William. A first for William that he was
sharing yet again with Buffy.

No wonder he claimed to love her, she thought
as she stepped out onto the porch and sat in the lawn chair
they’d put out there.

And yet, how could it be love? Didn’t people
often mistake love and gratitude? Not to sound too conceited
or anything Buffy, she scolded herself. And yet it was true.
In a long line of firsts that Will had, they had all been with her.
He’d never dated before so of course he felt comfortable
with her. They were always together so wasn’t it natural that
he would take such emotions and place them on her? How
did he even know they were real if these were things he’d
never shared with another?

She had, so she knew the difference. At least,
she thought so anyway. The feelings William invoked in her
were most definitely not just infatuation or a simple school girl
crush. She’d had both, so she knew the difference there too.
No, William evoked feelings in her that were much more than
that. Boundless, unimaginable and intense. She wanted him
like no other and she felt for him like no other. Her mother
was right, unfortunately. She’d loved him this whole time, but
just never realized how deeply she felt. Clichéd yes, but true
nonetheless. He thought she’d never seen him. Oh how
wrong he was. She fell for gentleness, his intelligence, his
sweet nature, his passion for odd things, his love of a good
mystery – even if that did lead to Drusilla. All those things that
made him William, she loved him for. And all those things that
made him ‘Spike’ she loved him for too. She’d always seen it
in him even if he hadn’t. Well, except for the attitude he had
sometimes.

William could hurt her. Terribly. He could grow
bored, he could want others once he’d had his taste of sex.
Hell, he’d already had his taste. She recalled how he loved
her taste, wanted more of it. He might wonder how others
taste. He’ll want to sow his oats and not settle. If he’d
harbored these feelings for her all this time, then they were
unrequited for a long time. People tend to hold on to
unrequited feelings, just waiting for the day for them to be
requited.

Now his feelings were, for the most part,
requited. The novelty could wear off—would wear off, she
told herself. He was spreading his wings now, making
changes in his life—why wouldn’t he want to embrace more
of life and what it had to offer? Including sex and love and
relationships and random one night—she couldn’t even think
of it.

“Buffy, luv?”

She looked over her shoulder to see William
standing in the doorway, bleary eyed with his hair on end. So
cute. “What are you doing?” he asked, stepping out onto the
deck. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

Her heart was in her throat. How would she let
him go? “I thought you could use some rest.”

He grinned then, “Oh? Plan to use my body
some more, pet? Not that I’m complainin’ at all. In point of
fact—“ he started to reach for her and she jumped up.

“I think I’m going to go to my mothers for dinner,”
she blurted out.

He blinked, confused. “Okay. I was going to take
you out Buffy.”

“You don’t have to,” she said nonchalantly, “I
mean if you have plans and stuff.”

“I don’t,” he said slowly. “You were my plans.”

“Oh, well, I figured you hadn’t seen Drusilla in a
while.”

“Pet, are you all right?”

“Fine. Why?” she asked and made her way into
the apartment and into the bedroom to get ready for her
spontaneous trip to her parents.

“Because you’re acting funny. Distant. I don’t
like it.”

“Well, I’m fine,” she told him and faced him so he
could see the faux truth in her eyes and face.

“I want to come with you,” he declared firmly.

“Will—“

“Buffy, we just shared something here and I
don’t –Did it mean anything to you at all?”

She nodded, afraid she was going to start
crying.

“Then can you let a fella know that?”

“I—it meant something,” she stammered.

He looked so worried and she felt so bad—but
would this pain be worth it in the long run before he left her?

“Then let me come with you or let me take you
out, please,” he pleaded, coming up to her and taking her in
his arms. He kissed her temple so gently, she nearly fell
apart. “I just want to spend some time with you, Buffy. You’re
my girl, right?”

She nodded. “Okay, Will. We can go out.”

“Thank you,” he whispered. He tilted her head
up and stared down at her, a worried and tender expression
on his face. “You know I love you right?”

She nodded, thinking ‘I thought I knew’.

“Okay,” he didn’t sound sure though. “Let’s get
ready to go out. The skies the limit for my girl.”

Yeah, but how much longer am I going to be
your girl? she wondered.


 

Chapter 23


He wasn't kidding when he said he wanted to treat her. Although she wondered when he chose the expensive Italian restaurant if he'd be able to afford rent this month after this.

Dinner was quiet, strained even. William kept talking as if that would distract her from what was on her mind and convince her that all was well while Buffy sat there wondering when the perfect time to break up with him was.

Was there ever a really good time to break up with someone? And how did you make them understand that it was for their own good? Well, that was maybe partly true. It was for selfish reasons as well. Would he ever forgive her for that? Could she really blame him if he didn't?

"I think we should go away some weekend—" William rambled.

She snapped to attention at that. "Go away? What? William, no."

He looked like a child that just got his favorite toy taken away. "Why not?"

"Because. . . "

"Because why?"

"Because I said so."

"What are you? My mother now?" he asked, irritably.

"Will, we'll talk about this later okay? Let's just finish our dinner."

"Dammit Buffy, you've barely spoken two words, you flinch when I touch you—Did I
do something wrong when we—? Did I say something wrong?"

"No, Will, listen," she reached across the table and took his hand. "We'll talk after—"

"Tell me. It's killing me. Just tell me, please. I can feel it in the air all around us.
Something just dangling there between us; wedging between us." He was stroking her hand
softly.

"Yeah, me," she muttered.

"Is it what we talked about this afternoon?"

"Some."

"What can I do to make those bad thoughts go away hmmm?"

She stared at him, at his hopeful and loving face. There was no right time to do this was
there? Alone, in public, on a Saturday or during the week. No good time. Ever.

"Will, I think you should see other people," she blurted out.

He stared at her, frozen. Then, "Come again?"

"I'm letting you go."

He gripped her hand tightly. "I don't want to be let go."

"Trust me, you need to do this," she said determinedly.

"No, I don't. I don't need to go anywhere, I don't need to be let go—Let go of what?
You? Us?"

"Yes," she said quietly.

He shook his head. "No. I'm not going anywhere. I don't know what craziness you've
cooked up in that head of yours, but I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to let you shove
me away."

"I'm not shoving you away, Will. I'm setting you free."

His grip tightened even more on her hand. She winced and he loosened her just a bit.

"Why are saying this?" he demanded. "What are you doing? Why?"

"Will, everything you've done, it's been with me—moving, school, sex—"

"So? What's wrong with that? I love you."

"But—"

"There are no buts Buffy!" he shouted.

Silence fell in the restaurant followed by hushed whispers. Buffy tugged on her hand from his
grasp, mortified by his shouting. He appeared unfazed however. He was looking at her, his
eyes stormy, his expression angry.

"Can we talk about this after we leave please?" she whispered. "Can we not draw a crowd?"

"Fine," he bit out and reached into his pocket with one hand and threw some bills on
the table. He stood and tugged her to her feet.

"Will," she hissed.

"I don't care. You want to talk about this after we leave? Well, we're leaving now."

"This is one of those times where when I call you a brute it's NOT a compliment," she
told him angrily as he led her out of the restaurant.

"Do you want me to remind you of what we did after you called me that? Huh? Maybe that would make you forget this stupid nonsense."

"It's not nonsense!" she exclaimed once they'd reached outside. She yanked her hand free and stopped, right in front of the restaurant, right in the middle of the sidewalk. She was prepared to walk if he continued to act like a caveman.

"Yes it is!" he shouted at her. "What the fuck are you thinking? You're ‘letting me go', you're ‘setting me free'? That's bull shit and you know it!"

"Listen to me, please. I'm doing it for you—"

"You're not doing it for me, you're doing it for you. You've somehow gotten it in your head that I'm going to leave you, so you're leaving me before I can. Isn't that right Buffy?" he got in her face. "Isn't it?" he demanded.

She pushed him and stepped back. "I'm not going to lie. That is part of it."

"You selfish bitch," he spat.

She clenched her jaw. "Okay, I deserved that."

"You're right, you do!"

"Will, you've been changing so much about yourself. You've adopted a whole new way of looking at the world and how you want to approach it. You deserve the chance to see what you want to do with your brand new life. You don't need to be tied down to me—"

The anger left him and in its place was desperation. He gripped her arms and brought her closer to his body, begging her with tears shining in his eyes. "Buffy, you don't tie me down. I want to be with you, I choose to be with you. I love you."

"William, all these firsts you've had in your life has been with me. You feel safe with me, right?"

"Not right now I don't," he admitted, his voice wobbly.

Buffy let out a nervous chuckle, "Oh Will. I just want you to get a taste of the world
before you settle with me."

"Don't say that. Don't say ‘settle'. You make it sound as if there's other things in the
world that are better than you and by settling I'm just . . . settling. I don't want to ‘settle' Buffy.
I want to share my life with you. I want to love you and be with you and bask in everything
you have to offer."

"Will," she breathed, and caressed the side of her face, leaning her forward against his
as he held onto her tight. "Sometimes it's easy to confuse love and gratitude."

"Gratitude? Is this what I'm feeling right now? You're ripping my heart out and this is
gratitude?"

Tears ran unchecked down her cheeks and his. "Ever hear of the saying ‘If you love
something set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it was never meant to be'?" she
asked him.

"I'm yours Buffy, I'm yours, why can't you just accept it?"

"I want you to give yourself the chance to see what else is out there, without me. Just try
William. And when you're done and if you still want me, I'll be here waiting for you."

He buried his face into her neck, his hot tears wetting her neck. "I don't understand
why you're doing this," he whimpered.

"Because I want you to be sure that what you're feeling is real and not based on our past or sex or gratitude—"

"It's NOT."

"Prove it to me. I want you to try William. I'll move out if—"

"No," he gasped, meeting her eyes. "I couldn't stand it if I couldn't see—" he kissed her then, hard and possessive. He pleaded with her in that kiss and when his hands started to roam up her blouse frantically, she knew she had to put a stop to it. She grabbed his hands, halting him. He stopped kissing her and looked at her. She shook her head. He dropped his hands.

"I'll never forgive you for this," he whispered.

"I might not forgive me either," she told him.

"That doesn't comfort me, if it was meant to," he told her truthfully. "I think I might hate you for this Buffy."

She didn't tell him that she hated her for it too. But she had to be sure. And, one day he could wonder if he himself was sure. In the long run, this was the best thing, right? Setting him free to explore the world on his own without her there all the time. He'd done it just a bit without her and found his place in the world as ‘Spike'. He deserved to find more. Even it meant another girl. Even it meant that her own heart would be ripped to shreds.

Love sucked ass.

 

Chapter 24

"You realize you're dumb, right?"

"Yes, Wills. I know," Buffy said on a sigh later that night in Willow's apartment. After William and Buffy had left the restaurant and gone home, his anger had come back full force. He'd screamed at her and told her to get out, that he couldn't stand to look at her.

"I get it though."

Buffy's head snapped up from her cup of tea. "You do?"

"In a way. Let me plays devils advocate. May I?"

"Like I'd be able to stop you."

Willow smirked, "True."

"So, on your side, you're doing this because William feels safe with you and has only done th
ings with you by his side," Willow began.

"Yes. And I'm not just talking about sex here. I'm talking everything else."

"Okay, I get that. Can I finish?"

"Sorry, go ahead."

"So you think that his love for you could be out of gratitude. That because he feels safe with you and because he's done all these ‘firsts' with you, he placed these feelings on you."

"Right. He's never experienced other girls. He's never dated; he's never had girls that were just friends outside of you and me. And you he met through me."

"So if he made friends with girls would you be satisfied?"

Buffy smiled gently. "I was bent out of shape when he met Drusilla. I was jealous beyond belief. I didn't want him to be with her because I wanted him—"

"And now you're sending him out to be with someone else. That's the part that I kind of don't get."

"I still want him Wills. And I will be jealous if or when he does find someone else, but he deserves the chance to find out what else is out there for him."

"So if he does find someone else and falls in love?"

Buffy winced. "Then it was never meant to be," she said, her voice cracking with emotion. She took a deep breath. "Look what happened when he did meet Drusilla. He changed. And it was without me. He was right; he needed to do that without me. I was jealous because I wanted to be part of it. That was wrong of me, I see that now. He can't be the person he needs and wants to be with me there. I'm his safety net, the one he depends on and let's face it, I depend on him too. Sometimes the best things for us are the hardest things to do. He became a new man without me there, he discovered things about himself and how the world reacts to him with his newfound confidence. He should discover more, without me there to hinder him in any way."

"Has it occurred to you that he wants to share those things with you?"

"Where does it stop Wills? He's shared moving out with me, he's explored some of sex with me, he's shared going to college with me. There isn't much that he's done without me."

"So you want him to stand on his own two feet in the hopes that he'll learn more about himself in ways he might be stopped with you and in the process you hope he'll come back to you in the end," Wills summed up.

"Right."

"It's weird because. . . I want to smack you for it, and yet I want to almost . . . commend you for it too. Though I think commend is too strong a word. Buffy," she shook her head, "he loves you so much. I know he does and I don't think its gratitude at all. I also can't help but think that this is for selfish reasons for you. You're so afraid the day COULD come that he'll grow tired of you that you're shoving him away all on ‘might happen'. And then on the other hand, I know that sometimes you have to break free to see what you're capable of on your own, much like I did when I left my fathers home. I became self sufficient right quick, so I get what you're saying about discovering yourself on your own. You know what's really odd?"

"What?"

"I told him the night of the party," she chuckled, "last night as a matter of fact. Isn't funny how you can cram so much in a day?"

"Tell me about it," Buffy said dryly.

"I told him last night when he wanted to go hunting for you after you took your ‘I am woman, hear me roar' stand, to make you go looking for him. Buffy, don't you think it's possible that you're going to be the one looking for him at the end of all this? That maybe there's a chance he won't come back and you'll have lost out?"

Tears slipped from Buffy's eyes and she nodded.

The phone ringing startled Willow. "Who could possibly be calling at this hour? I'm not even on call." She grabbed the phone off the coffee table. "Hello? . . . Hi William."

Buffy looked up, wiping tears away and trying not to let him hear over the phone that she was a mess at the moment.
Willow looked at her sadly. "Yeah, Will, she's here. . . Have you been drinking? Yeah, she told me . . . Will, maybe you should call Xander and have him come over – Okay honey, you go to bed. . . Night."

"Is he all right? Should I go home?" Buffy asked, grabbing blindly for her purse that she'd strewn on the couch.

"No, stay. He's going to sleep it off. He just wanted to make sure you were here and not out with some guy."

"He thinks I let him go so I can be free," Buffy said softly.

"Probably, yes. He said you were off your bloody rocker."

"Can't really argue with him on that."

"You should get some sleep too, Buffy. Things have a way of looking clearer after some rest."

"Yeah," Buffy said distantly, remembering how after her nap that afternoon she hadn't felt rested at all which had led her down the path she was set on at the moment. "Do you have any sleeping pills? I just need something that will give me no choice but to sleep."

"Uh, yeah, I think I have something. Buffy – what are you going to do about living there? You can't stay there, it'd be weird and not right somehow."

"Yeah, I know. I'll figure that out tomorrow."

"After all tomorrow is another day, ay Scarlet?"

"Do you think Will won't give a damn some day?"

"No, I think he always will. I really do."

Buffy sighed, "So. How bout them pills?"




Spike was suffering from the worst hangover ever. It felt good at the time, all the cool amber liquid sending him into a pleasant numbness. Then, just before bed, he sobbed over Buffy and fell asleep. Lying on his back in bed, he stared at the ceiling praying that the night before had just been a dream and Buffy hadn't broken up with him after all. Instead, they'd had a nice dinner out and gone back home to making some more love and drank too much wine. Yes, that sounded much better.

A thud coming across the kitchen caught his attention. Buffy was home. He rolled out of bed, holding his head and hoping the incessant pounding would go away. He stumbled into the kitchen and into Buffy's room. She was tossing her shoes into her closet. She turned when she saw him. Why did she have to look so lovely?

"Will, you look like shit," she stated.

"Thanks. Why don't you just step on my head while I'm drowning too?"

She frowned, "Sorry. Did you take anything before you went to bed? Had any water?"

"No. I didn't have you here to take care of me and make sure I do all those things. Oh. Right. You want me to learn those things on my own," he said sarcastically.

She pursed her lips together. "Will, I think it'd be best if I left."

He stared hard at her. "How do you mean exactly?"

"I mean, I think it'd be best if I went home for a while."

"You mean move out?"

"Yes."

"I told you last night I didn't want you to do that," he said thickly.

"You did, but Will . . . this isn't going to work. You have to know that."

"Oh yet another thing that isn't going to work for you! Big fucking surprise. It gets a
little too much for Buffy and she has to bolt. Isn't that the story of your fucking life?"

"You want to go through this everyday?" she asked quietly.

Tears stung his eyes. "No. But I don't want to go without you everyday either."

"So we'll tear each other to shreds everyday until there's nothing left?"

"There's nothing left now, you made sure of that last night when you ripped my still
beating heart out of my chest and stomped on it," he said matter of factly.

Tears dripped from her eyes. He was almost stunned to see them. His hands itched to
reach out and brush them away, but he couldn't. He had his own tears to fight; he didn't have
it in him at the moment to fight hers too.

"Do you have enough money to afford rent?" she continued.

"Possibly."

"If you don't, then I'll just pay rent until you find a roommate."

"I don't want your fucking charity Buffy."

"I'm trying to help!"

"Every time you try to help you fuck everything up!"

"Then I'll leave and stop trying to help okay? I'll get out of here and –"

He was on her in two quick strides. He gripped her arms and pulled her against him
roughly. "I don't want you to go. I want you to stay with me. Why is it so hard for you to do
that? Do you care for me at all?"

Her eyes widened. "I do, William, I do care for you so much."

"Then why are you doing this?" he asked, the tears more than just stinging his eyes,
they were freely falling now.

"You can do this without me. You can. The world is your oyster and all that stuff. You
changed already without me, just think of what awaits you out there. You have to do it alone so
you can see what you're capable of. I see so much in you William—"

"I love you," he cried.

"William, please—"

He released her with a roar, "GO! Fucking go! I don't want to see you. Just get the fuck
out!" he screamed at her and stormed off, slamming the door shut to his bedroom, which didn't
help his pounding head. He sank onto the floor and sobbed, his sobs drowning out those of
Buffy's in the next room.


 

Chapter 25


Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Spike made his way to the bookstore to get some coffee and perhaps a book. Anything to take his mind off what was happening. Deciding he'd needed air and exercise, he'd left the apartment after a long shower and went to visit his parents. He broke down when he told his mom what had happened with he and Buffy and Jenny Giles was outraged at Buffy. She consoled her son as best she could, but it was his dad, Rupert Giles, that had his head spinning. He'd apparently been listening to Spike in the doorway and had come into the room and sat down across from his son and relayed to him the story of when he was learning how to ride his bike without training wheels. Spike had been mortified that he was bringing that up since it'd taken him until he was ten to get the damn things off.

"You were afraid to take them off because you were afraid to fall. You just didn't want to take that leap alone. It wasn't until the other kids started teasing you that you allowed me to take them off. And when I was teaching you, you made me hold onto that seat handle while you learned to gain your balance. The minute I let go, you would stop. I knew you could do it William; you just didn't have any confidence in yourself to go it on your own. Then, one day, I let go and didn't say a word. You rode and rode without my help, without even knowing I wasn't there. You just took off. You inevitably crashed, but you gained some confidence in yourself once you saw the distance you went without me there to hold on. After that, you rode that bike all over. Wouldn't it be nice to ride like that again?"

His mother had scolded him, but Rupert merely winked at his son and left the room. After that, Spike had pulled himself together and decided to have some time to himself. Hence, the bookstore. Something Buffy hated doing with him. She got bored easily and would badger him to just choose something already.

Entering the bookstore, he inhaled the scent of coffee and books and found himself heading towards the journal section of the bookstore. He couldn't remember the last time he'd penned anything. It was something he used to do all the time when he wasn't, as Buffy put it, ‘holing himself up in his room with his nose in a book.' Often times it was holing himself up in his room with a pen in his hand writing bloody awful poetry. He grabbed a leather bound book off the shelf and felt the cool smoothness of it, a poem already forming in his mind. Grabbing an overly expensive pen he headed towards the register and paid for his purchases before heading over to the café and getting himself a coffee. Settling in a chair in the corner, he opened his new journal and began to write.

One Wish

I learned the love rule early on:
Hearts are meant to be broken.
And for that, I don't need it.
A cold, hard shell is what I'll become.

The only person you can count on is yourself.
Others will trip you,
let you down,
cheat on you, and
sink you into blackness.

I will lean on me.

I will love me.

And only me.

It's a muddled mess of "what ifs" and "have not's",
a mass of regret,
a plethora of lies,
a constant ache.
Not piercing the heart
but stabbing the soul.

So now I am done
scratching out the eyes
of the apathetic,
drowning in bad blood, and
licking my wounds.

I have only one wish to ask of you…

Send me a dream
to sustain me through;
a gentle touch
I'll not know for I
don't want it.

Wrap me in a cocoon,
hide me away
let my gentle heart be--
it beats for me

and no one else.

Now if only he really meant that. His heart beat for Buffy. That was the thing. It always had and it always would. It felt good to express himself in such a way though. Writing was the perfect catharsis, and right now he had so much inside of him he needed to purge.



Across town, Buffy was realizing that even her mothers understanding had its limits. After listening for an hour over how horrible she was being to William, Buffy left her mothers in tears and headed for Willow's. She wouldn't be moving back until her mother had calmed down that much was for sure. Hopefully, Willow could put her up for some time.

She felt like a monster, a cretin, scum. Maybe it was better if she just disappeared altogether. Maybe William's life would be much better if she wasn't around to fuck it up even more. Then he could forget about her completely and move on with his life. Someday he'd think of the screwed up girl that broke his heart, but then he'd thank her for it while he wrapped an arm around his wife and beamed at his beautiful children. William's angry words came back to her ‘It gets a little too much for Buffy and she has to bolt. Isn't that the story of your fucking life?' He was right. He was completely right. Something got a little too hard for her and she took off. She didn't want to deal with something and she ran. So, no. She wasn't going to skip town and start over. She'd stay and face up to her actions. She didn't see how it would help either of them for her to stay in the apartment, but she wouldn't run with her tail between her legs.

"I'm doing the right thing," she said aloud to the night sky. "I'm doing what I feel is right and that's all any of us can do in this world. And if it ends up that I lose William. . . " she took a deep breath, "Then it was never meant to be." Or it could be because you were selfish, a voice, sounding much like Williams said in her head. "Yes, it could very well be that too. Then it's something I'll have to live for the rest of my life with. I also really have to stop talking out loud to myself. I'm going to get locked up if anyone is listening to me. Course, then I'd have the padded room I probably deserve and maybe some drugs to go with it. Where would be the bad in that?" Clamping her mouth shut, Buffy made her way home to call Willow and hopefully pack for a few nights.



**One Wish is original poetry by yours truly**

Chapter 26

Spike rolled over in bed and rubbed his eyes. Another morning, another hangover. He remembered writing for a long time in that bookshop the night before. Then, when he felt his heartbreak start to overcome him yet again, he'd taken off to a nearby bar and proceeded to get falling down drunk. Thankfully, his downstairs neighbor Andrew had been there when the bartender demanded he call someone or he was putting him in a cab. At that point Spike hadn't been sure he even remembered how to get home.

Buffy was gone. She'd left a note saying she was staying at Willows for a while. God, he missed her. He knew the heart was an organ and that as an organ it was incapable of actually feeling emotion, but his heart was aching so much it felt as if he was having a heart attack.

"What am I going to do?" he asked himself aloud.

"Well, you're not going to be drinking again anytime soon," a voice replied.

Spike shot up in bed. Andrew was standing in the doorway, sipping what
looked like orange juice. "You're still here?" Spike asked incredulously.

"Yeah, a little thing called alcohol poisoning had me a little concerned last
night mister," Andrew scolded. "Do you know how many times you threw
up? I think you threw up twice for every drink you imbibed."

Spike winced. "Thanks Andrew, but you really didn't have to stay."

He shrugged, "What can I say? I'm a giver."

Spike couldn't help but chuckle at that. It hurt his head to do so. He winced
and clutched at it.

"I put a glass of water on your nightstand and some aspirin. Like I said,
I'm a giver."

"Thanks," Spike said uncertainly.

"Is this about a girl?"

Spike raised an eyebrow as he popped the pills and took a long drink of
water. "Yes," he said once he'd put the cup down.

"Your roommate?" Andrew asked and practically bounced in the room,
settling himself on Spike's bed.

Spike eyed him warily, feeling this was somehow too close. "Yeah," he said
slowly.

"It's not like I'm super intuitive or anything, you just kept slurring her
name. I think you added a few more ‘f's' and ‘y's' to her name thought. It
kept coming out like ‘Buffffyyyy'. It was comical in an annoying drunken
way."

"I don't know what to say to that," Spike said carefully.

Andrew shrugged, "Nothing you can say. So, what'd she do? Should I refer
to her as an evil bitch? You did last night a few times."

"No you may not call her that. She might be an evil bitch, but she's my evil
bitch."

"Ha! You've got it bad. What's that like?"

Spike stared at Andrew, wondering if he was for real.

"Yes, I'm really that odd. Answer me now please."

Spike sighed, not sure why he was about to open up to Andrew, but at least
someone was here to listen to him. "Well, it feels like my soul has been
sliced through and my heart—"

"Has been pureed?" Andrew finished andthen sighed dramatically. "I've
never felt that way, but I can't wait to."

"You can't WAIT for that?" Spike asked incredulously.

"Yes, because it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved
at all," Andrew chirped.

"That's horseshit. I'd rather—" he stopped, thinking of Buffy's sweet smile,
the way she felt in his arms, the way she made him laugh. Would he really
wish to have given all of that up in exchange for how he was feeling at the
present moment?

"You were saying?" Andrew prompted, batting his eyelashes and looking
at him knowingly.

"Oh shut up," Spike grumbled.

"Grumpy bear! So dish. I want to know what happened. I promise to only
tell Warren and Jonathan and no one else. Well, except for a few people at
work, but I will change the names to protect the innocent."

Spike couldn't help but laugh. "At least you're honest."

"I am! Now tell me how she done you wrong."



*****************************************************************


"I'm being selfish, aren't I? And controlling. I'm telling him how to live his life; I'm telling him what to do, aren't I?" Buffy asked Willow over coffee in the morning, on the brink of tears.

Willow stared off thoughtfully and stirred the cream into her coffee. "Well, I can see how it would seem as if you are being selfish and controlling. And yet . . . "

Silence.

"Care to finish that thought because I'm minutes away from checking
myself into the fifth floor of the hospital."

"And yet, I can see how you're not being selfish."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm glad I waited for that profound and
insightful statement Nurse Rosenberg. All right, that's it. Call your psych
friends, I'm checking myself in."

"I think the fact that you know you're crazy is a step in the right direction."

"Is it?"

"At least you know that letting William go is the single most insane thing
you've ever done. Well, aside from actually wearing the Joey Lawrence
from ‘Blossom' t shirt Xander dared you to in the seventh grade."

"I'll make sure to put that on when I check myself in. I figure that'll be my
shoo in."

Willow sighed. "Buffy, you told me that when William started changing you
felt neglected because he did it without you. You were hurt by that, I
remember. You wondered why he couldn't have done those things with
you. And I remember you telling me he told you that sometimes it takes a
person outside of your. . . realm, if you will, to see the changes you need to
make. Which makes perfect sense. You then told me that he said he did all
those things for you and because of you."

"Right."

"Well, when making life changes, one should do it for themselves and not
for anyone else. When you start doing that shit, you end up resenting the
person you made changes for in the first place. Because what if it's not
where you want to be? What if you want something different? Then you
end up living your life by someone else's standards and that's where
resentment takes root and thrives. I don't think it's selfish to say you want
William to be ‘Spike' for HIM and not for you. I think its only controlling
when you tell him HOW to do that."

"Like when I told him to date other girls?"

Willow nodded slowly. "Yes, that could be considered controlling," Willow
said diplomatically. "Perhaps you could have said that you wanted to give
him time to discover himself."

"I did, later, in a way."

"Is there a time limit on this self discovery?"

"No, but I really didn't think that part through."

"Damn you!"

"Well, I can't have all the answers. Even though it was my bright idea." She
sighed heavily. "See, when this whole thought process came to me it was
because I was afraid he'd grow bored of me and want to try other girls. It
was all about his sexual exploration and wanting to take it outside me. But,
then its expanded since then into him exploring more than just that. Now
it's that I don't want to hinder his growth. I told him once that he was right
in not wanting others to hinder him self discovery and change because they
could put a different spin on it, maybe they wouldn't like something that he
felt strongly about changing and influence his decision. I could be that
person. And, because he loved me, maybe he'd do what I wanted him to do
instead of what he wanted to do. Then I'd just be holding him back.
I fell in love with William. I fell in love with Spike, but I never got to know
all of Spike because William was still in the process of becoming Spike. He
wanted to explore with me all that he was inside, and I wanted that too. But
it got me thinking later that. . . let's take his hair for example. I never would
come up with the idea for him to bleach his hair. He did that on his own. Now if he had approached me about that, I would have told him it wouldn't look good."

"You would have wrinkled your nose."

Buffy chuckled, "Exactly. So then knowing William, he probably wouldn't
have done it. Now what other things would I have stopped him from doing?
Hair is a small thing, but what if there are others he came to me about and
I just wrinkled my nose about it? Not to say that everything he'll change I'll
embrace even without me, but he should be able to do things like that
without me there to hinder him or keep him as the William he so
desperately wanted to change to begin with. I love him Willow. I do so very
much and I know that I hurt him," her eyes welled up in tears. "But I can't
help but think I did right by him too. I have a good feeling about this."

"It's just. . . I hear a lot of ‘maybe's' and ‘perhaps' and ‘what if's'. You don't
know that these things would have happened, Buffy. You don't know that
he wouldn't have gone out and changed his hair despite what you said."

"True, but. . . when it comes to changing things in your life and figuring out
the things you want to do with it and how you want to live it, no one knows
better than you what's going to work and what will fit. I just don't want to
hinder any of that for him. I can't predict what'll happen with him and I'm
not putting a time stamp on anything or telling him how to do anything.
That's the whole point."

"And what about you? What have you learned?"

Buffy sighed heavily. "That my ‘shoot first, apologize later' way of life has
got to end."

***************************************************************
Andrew was nodding thoughtfully and rubbing his chin as Spike spilled his story about what had happened with Buffy and what she had told him. When he was done, Andrew just studied him thoughtfully.

"What?" Spike asked impatiently.

"I'm just wondering what you'll do."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, how are you going to handle this? Are you going to wallow in self
pity and drink yourself into oblivion every night which is most definitely
NOT what she wants for you, or are you going to do something productive
with yourself?"

Spike stared at him, stunned.

"It seems to me you have a choice here," Andrew said standing up and
looking down at him. "You can wallow in this and self destruct or you can
find out just what kind of strength the Spike in you has. Wallowing isn't
going to get her back and self destructing isn't going to do you any favors.
However, if you figure out what you want to do with yourself, you could
find out about things you never knew you were capable of—and like the
great man Frankie, you can belt out that you did it your way. So, what are
you gonna do?"



 

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