Buffy walked through the brightly lit avenue of the mall, twinkling lights adorned the ceiling along with Christmas wreaths and decorations. She watched the people passing her by and for the first time in weeks she felt a little more relaxed, and right now a little meant a lot.

She was quiet as she passed row upon row of shops, letting her mind wander to any place but home. Thankful that no one had complained about her decision that she needed some retail therapy and even more thankful that none of them seemed interested in coming with her. Buffy had ensured that her excuse to leave command central for the evening was infallible by mentioning getting some more blankets for the ever growing populous of potentials occupying her house.

Stretching as she walked along feeling liberated, she felt glad to be out, no teenagers complaining about space and no 'friends' breathing down her neck about how to handle the situation. There was just Spike. Looking to the man by her side she smiled broadly and felt warm inside as he smiled back at her. He was the only one who had offered her company and she was glad that he had, otherwise she would have had to ask him.

Buffy looked up above her to the twinkling lights like stars against the backdrop of the night through the glass ceiling. She thought about how intuitive Spike always was when it came to her, it was like he knew exactly what she needed all of the time even before she knew her self.

Since coming back into her life he had been so quiet and peaceful around her and Buffy found that comforting and reassuring. His presence near her nowadays had a soothing effect on her temperament, but it wasn't always like that. When Spike had first come back they had been edgy around each other with the memories of last spring haunting them both. Now over half a year on and they had both found the strength to move on, to be at peace with each other and to admit they had both been to blame for what had taken place.

Coming to a halt by the large Christmas tree in the central hall Buffy sighed. The house had been decorated in a hurry as the current crisis had pushed all thoughts of Christmas out of their heads and she had felt infinitely saddened as she hung the wreath on the door. Memories of her mother had come flooding back and she had almost broken down in tears, on finding her so upset on the porch Spike hadn't bothered to speak he had just wrapped his arms about her and held her tightly until the moment had passed. She had been grateful for his comforting embrace and for the fleeting moment in which she felt that there was a possibility that he loved her still. It was moments like those she had come to treasure.

"I miss her." Buffy's voice was a whisper as she looked up the towering tree to the large golden star perched at the very top, it was like she was a kid again and reaching the top to put the star on had been impossible when the tree was so big compared to her. But her mother had always lifted her up so she could reach the star, Buffy felt like her mother always helped her reach for the stars.

Spike slipped his arm around her shoulder and squeezed her gently. Turning her head to look up at him Buffy watched his profile, he was staring at the tree with a far away look in his eyes as a smile crossed his face.

"I miss her too Buffy, she made the best hot chocolate with the little marshmallows floating on top." Spike turned his head to look down at her.

Buffy smiled as she remembered the time she had walked in to find her mother and Dawn talking to Spike as he sat in the corner on the counter, everyone laughing and sharing stories with each other. She leant into Spikes side and let her head come to rest by his chest as they both looked at the tree.

"Peaceful." Buffy let the words slip out easily, the first few weeks with him had been tumultuous to say the least.

The feelings and memories of what he had done in 120 years as a vampire tormented his newly reinstated soul and the pain had been heightened by the fact that he had been killing again - a puppet of the First. When she had managed to get Spike out of the basement and safe with her again she had been relieved, knowing that he would be able to find the peace inside himself to heal his soul and make amends. And that maybe then he could forgive himself for all he had done and forgive her for her part in it.

Buffy slipped out from under his arm and turned to look at him. Spike smiled at her again, obviously mulling over her choice of words at their current situation. She realised this time that it was genuine, not a show smile that he used around the gang but a true Spike smile.

Picking up the bags from the floor he waved them in his hand. "Where next?"

He enjoyed being alone with Buffy now, a month back he wouldn't have trusted himself around her but she had taken great pains to make him comfortable again. Her presence next him was calming but the sight of her shoulders looking slightly relaxed and her face soft and quiet were like heaven to him. He busied himself trying to think of excuses to stay away from the house a little longer.

"Clothes." Buffy bubbled and steered him towards the shop.

Spike smiled inside as he thought that she was just a regular girl after all.


Buffy sifted through the rows of leather pants that were hanging against the wall, holding a pair up against herself she looked at Spike for his appreciation of them.

"Always liked you in leather." Spike arched a brow and for a moment Buffy saw a hint of the old Spike in him. "Durable."

Eyeing a little dark red dress on the hanger opposite Spike plucked it off the display. Holding it against her he smiled and looked deep into her eyes for a sign of a reaction as he spoke.

"Perfection. Would be good for a date."

But Buffy merely frowned and batted the offending article away.

"No dates?" Spike narrowed his eyes and frowned mockingly.

Her face said it all and the nod in the negative confirmed it.

"Still, you'd look good in it. Always looked good in red." He grinned as he saw the corners of her mouth twitch into a slight smile.

As she continued to look through the rows of clothing Spike heaved a sigh and looked at the dress in his hands. He knew they were fooling themselves if they thought it would be easy to move on. She wasn't faring too well - the constant patter of girly feet had driven her to the basement, to him, on too many occasions now.

They had talked a lot about the past and how bad they were for each other, but Buffy's favourite topic of conversation was always his soul. He wondered sometimes if she wanted to know if he still loved her, some shred of a sign that if he had a heart it would be hers. He hadn't told her he loved her since coming back, his soul was testament to the way he felt about her but he still felt Buffy sometimes wanted to hear the words on his lips.

How could he tell the woman he loved that since regaining his soul those three words failed him? They were no longer adequate to express his feelings for her, no longer suitable for the purpose they were created for. What he felt transcended those words it was something ultimately greater than simple love, it burned in him like an eternal fire scorching his dead heart. He itched at his chest and zoned back into the world on hearing Buffy's voice in his ears.

"Cream?"

He gave her a look that said he'd missed most of what she had said.

"I said, you look like you need some ice cream? I do anyway." Buffy frowned as a look of concern crossed her features.

"Ice cream it is then." Returning the dress to the display he followed her from the store.


Sitting in one of the malls eateries Buffy ordered up two bowls of chocolate and vanilla ice cream as she complained that all the training of potentials she'd been doing was making her hungry. Spike suspected it was more than just food she needed.

"So no dates?" He coyly played with the ice cream in front of him.

Buffy had hoped he'd forgotten their earlier topic of conversation. "Nope. Going to concentrate on what I've already got."

"What about that guy at work, Wood?" Spike tried to sound disinterested.

"That would be a doomed relationship, he my boss remember? I don't want to date, besides..." Buffy pouted and wished the conversation would go away as she swirled the melting ice cream into patterns.

"Besides?" He licked his spoon and tilted his head to one side.

"I can't risk what I already have. Say he finds out you're a vampire or Willows a witch and flips out, calls the authorities or even tries to kill you himself. I can't risk losing you Spike, you know you're the strongest ally that I have." Buffy kept her eyes firmly fixed on her ice cream.

"Buffy? I hardly think he's going to kill me."

"I can't risk anything Spike. I need you with me, I'm not ready for you not to be around. You're a part of this fight and you're the one I'll be relying on to watch my back. I pushed you away once I can't have it happen again." Buffy pushed the mound of ice cream around in the bowl then licked the spoon half heartedly, her stomach was too tied up in knots to eat.

"Love?" Spike's look was utter confusion.

"Spike, William - I was terrible to you, I used you, played you, hurt you. I treated you like a dog and then kicked you when you were trying to help me…"

"S'alright pet, you've said this before. We're good." Spike touched his hand on hers.

"Only good?" Buffy kept her eyes fixed on the bowl in front of her.

"Still think you should have got the dress, could've worn it on training missions, it looked pretty durable." He watched her reaction and hoped it would hit the right spot, Spike was rewarded with a small smile from Buffy and he narrowed his eyes. "Am I really your strongest ally?"

"You're the only one I trust to look out for me." Buffy raised her eyes to his and smiled into them.

"I've got your back, you know that." He was secretly stuck on the word 'trust', for the first time ever someone actually trusted him and it was Buffy.

She placed a large spoonful of ice cream into her mouth, her heart was racing under Spike's gaze and she knew he would be able to feel it. So many thoughts pounded her skull that an ice cream headache right now would be a relief. All this time she had spent figuring out where they stood, rebuilding their fragile relationship from its ruins and she felt she was on a precipice.

Staring at her now melted ice cream pool her eyes filled with tears that she hoped he couldn't see and Buffy made a decision. Her heart caught in her throat as she considered what she was about to do, the one in a million possibility that he might not love her anymore haunting her. Taking a deep breath she let herself fall over the edge, hoping he'd be there to catch her.

"I love…" She faltered.

"Ice cream?" He offered grinning foolishly.

"… you." Buffy closed her eyes and felt herself falling, she could almost splay her fingers out and feel the air rushing past her. Cold and crisp like snow.

Spike swallowed hard, it hit him like a tidal wave knocking the smile from his face. Not knowing what else to do he looked at her, she had her eyes closed and tears stained her cheeks. And in that moment he remembered how hard it had been for him the first time he'd told her, but knew it must be a million times harder for her to say after what they had gone through.

"What?" He stammered out, all senses failing him. That'd be a good reason for her not to date.

"Spike, I love you." Buffy sighed out eyes still closed, she felt like she was getting closer to hitting the bottom hard and with any luck it wouldn't hurt, much.

"When? How? I…" Spike stopped and saw Buffy was now looking up at him, he could see fear running through her eyes as she shrank back into her seat. Reassure her idiot.

Moving to sit next to her he slipped his arm about Buffy's shoulder and held her to him. She was scared that whatever they had she'd managed to ruin again.

"Buffy." His voice was hoarse and full of conflicting emotions.

She looked up at him and felt like she was being wrapped up into a warm blanket, safely caught and held tight.

"I love you more than words could ever say."

Spike pressed his lips softly to hers, kissing away all doubt and fear of his not returning her affection. As he gently sucked her lip into his mouth she fell into him and felt more loved than she ever had. Returning his kisses softly she brushed her lips on his and moved to let her tongue touch his. Buffy felt compelled to tell him again and again now that she had found her true voice, driven by a desire to see that excited look in his eyes, to see him love her.

"I love you Spike. Always."

~*~ End ~*~