Too little, Too late?

Buffy had hoped that she wasn't too late. After her revealing conversation with Spike when they saved Xander from his date-from-hell quite literally, she began to think hard about what she meant when she told him that she wasn't ready for him to not be here with her. She hated herself for not being more specific then, but she truly didn't know what she meant when she said that. It was the truth said spontaneously and with real feeling, but she just didn't know what those feelings were. She felt like she was always hurting him everytime she evaded his questions and after his noble admittance that he longer harbored his delusion of that crypt-for-two with her so that she could go on the date with Robin Wood without guilt, she realized that Spike had "grown up". He still loved her. She knew that and could feel that. He was so open with his emotions that she couldn't help, but know it. Still, he knew that he no longer had the right to claim anything from her. She knew that he'd be happy just to stay where they were. He'd be happy just to have her not hate him. It was so meager, yet he understood that he could never undo the near rape last year and felt that he could never ask or deserve more from her ever again. She knew that without him expressing it.

As she sat on her back porch thinking about what she had said to him, her heart began to convince her stubborn mind that she was being heartless, to herself and most importantly to him. She couldn't deny her warm affection for him. That had been there from before that terrible night and had resurfaced again once the awkwardness between them had melted. The affection had been growing with each passing day and with every unselfish act and kind word that he gave her, knowing it wasn't to help his cause, but to give her whatever he could to her. All he wanted was to be with her and to let her know that he would be with her to whatever end they came to. When she thought of all they had gone through in the past together, she began to realize that he had always been there for her. Endured torture from Glory and the First yet never yielding to their seduction to betray her or Dawn. He had made his decision even back then that he would be loyal to her. Suddenly, her heart ached for him, both from how much he had sacrificed for her, but also for the loss of his presence for even a few minutes. He had been the strength that had kept her going for the past few years and it had started on this porch the day she found out her mother was sick. Even filled with impotent rage, ready to kill her for her belittling words, he stopped, saw her pain and let his anger ebb away. He gave her comfort even when she had no right to it. Though she tried to control it, she still desired him. Her little slip with Willow about people thinking she was still in love with him was more proof that it was she who was in denial. That slip was definitely Freudian. It was only now as she sat to gain some perspective on her back porch that she acknowledged finally she was still in love with him. She had never stopped loving him. He had been friend, confidante, lover, and protector and would be there for her until the bitter end. He would never betray her.

Once the realization hit her, she was suddenly filled with a joyful happiness that she had never felt before, not even for Angel. She could admit her feelings to herself and not be afraid of the repercussions. She couldn't wait to tell Spike everything. He deserved to know as soon as possible because he had waited for so long. She knew that he wouldn't believe her and that she would have to prove to him that she was telling him the truth. She would be expecting the distrust and doubt. She would work to earn his trust again if she had to.

She got up, put on her leather jacket and rushed to the Bronze. Everyone had decided to blow off some steam, Xander, especially needed it after what he went through. They needed to get away from the house every once in awhile despite Giles's lecture. With more potentials showing up seemingly daily, the claustrophobic crowding was becoming unbearable for all of them. Spike had joined them to also fill up on a "pint or two or more" of beer as he put it and to get away from all the girlie chatter. She had decided to skip it, opting for the thinking time away from everyone. She giggled to herself, feeling 16 again, finding herself unable to stand waiting a single second more to tell Spike how she felt.

When she got there, she visually scanned the place. She found Xander, Anya and Willow at a table and waved to them. Spike wasn't anywhere immediately to be found, but that didn’t matter for the moment. She went over to her friends.

"Hey, Buffy, decided to join us after all?" Xander queried.

"Yeh, decided to stop being doomsday girl and unwind, plus I wanted to talk to Spike."

"Well, he's here somewhere. He was shaking his groove thang a while ago." Xander said over the din of the music and talk.

"Spike? Dancing?" Buffy said, her voice quavering a little more than she had wanted.

"Yeh, some girl asked him to dance so he figured why not?"

"Spike is dancing with a girl, huh?" Buffy was now biting her lip.

Willow noticed this and realized that there was more to Buffy's questions than just idle curiousity.

"Yeh, but it was just in fun. We've all been dancing." Willow said, trying to lighten the mood.

Buffy's eyes surveyed the room, her jealousy and insecurity bubbling up despite her best efforts to be mature. Suddenly, the music mellowed to a slow dance and that's when she saw him. He had his arms around the waist of another blonde girl about her size and though the dance was completely innocent, nothing sexual or committal about it, her heart sank and hammered home her fear that maybe he had moved on without her. He had gotten tired of the evasive and hopeful answers that never went anywhere. Though she couldn't blame him, the hurt was crushing and she couldn't stop her eyes from tearing up at the loss of someone she had finally acknowledged she loved. It was typical "too little, too late" Buffy. She then caught his gaze and sensed him spotting the tears and pain in her eyes. She darted her eyes away and sprinted her way out of the club.

"Buffy, wait!" Willow called out, but she had already bolted out the door.

She stopped for a second to catch her breath as her sobs took over and her body shook. She then fell to her knees, her legs turning to rubber beneath her, unable to hold her. She then felt a hand on her shoulder. She rose quickly and turned to see Willow there.

"Buffy, don't go." Willow insisted. "It's not what you think."

Buffy realizing that she understood, openly cried on her friend's shoulder.

"Oh, Willow, I’m too late. I'm always too late. I realized tonight that I love Spike or maybe I should say that I still love him. I never stopped. He's been there for me and I was so caught up in my problems and what I wanted, I never allowed myself to see that he's been the one all along. He's my soul mate, Will and I've lost him. I waited too long and now I've lost him."

"No, Buffy, it's not that at all. You should talk to him and tell him how you feel. It's only fair that he knows. You know that he's been wanting to hear that from you for a long time."

"I know, but how can I tell him now? He's moved on. I don't blame him, but I don't know if I can be as unselfish as he's been. I don't think I could stand seeing him with someone else, loving someone else. Why am I such a fool?"

"You're not." A voice behind Willow said.

Willow gently untangled herself from Buffy's embrace to give her to Spike. She nodded to him and left him with her. He enveloped her in his arms as she trembled from her sobs.

"How much did you-" Buffy asked.

"Enough and you're not a fool, it's me who's the fool."

"What do you mean? No, I shouldn't've come. I have no right to be here."

"You have every right, luv. It's my fault you're like this."

"No, no, Spike. It's not you. You've been nothing, but a loving, loyal, and good friend and I haven't been any of those things to you. I should never have expected you to keep on waiting until I made up my mind. I should never have expected you to not find someone, after all, I told you to, didn't I? But I guess I wasn't as ready as I thought. I'm not as noble as you are." Buffy laughed sadly at her pathetic self. "I finally made up my mind, but as usual, I'm too late. I've lost you."

Buffy's sobs broke loose again and she felt her rubbery legs give way. Spike lifted her into his embrace again to stop her fall and held her tightly against him.

"You are the most noble person I know, pet. You have sacrificed every thing owed to you because of your calling. Most of the time, not wanting to, but always putting the fate of the world first. As for losing me, you haven't." Spike lifted her chin to look into her eyes. "Buffy, that girl in there, she isn't anything, but a dance partner, that's all. She means nothing. There could never be anyone else for me, but you. It will always be you. You will never lose me."

"You don't have to take pity on me just because I'm acting like a blubbering idiot."

"I'm not and this is all my fault. About your date...truth be told, luv, I was lying. I am all right about us, where we are now, I don't have any delusions, that was the truth, but seeing you going on a date with someone else, that killed me inside, but I had no right to tell you that, to make you feel guilty. You have a life to live. A life that didn't include me -"

"That's where it's my fault, Spike, for leading you to hope for something more and not giving it to you when I knew that's what I wanted all along. My life does include you. It always has and always will. What I said about not being ready to be without you, that wasn't a lie, but as usual, it was a vague truth. I'm an expert at doing that, being vague. Not willing to commit to something when I already knew it was there. Can you ever forgive me for that?"

"There's nothing to forgive. You were just being honest with me."

"That isn't honesty. That's cruelty. It's all I've ever done."

"No, Buffy that isn't true." He said as he stroked her cheek.

"On the way over here, I was so excited about how I felt. I couldn't wait to tell you, but when I saw you dancing with that girl and I know it didn't mean anything, but it made me realize that I had no right to ask you to love me back not after all that I did to you."

"Ask me." Spike said abruptly.

"What?" Buffy said, surprised and confused.

"Ask me to love you back." Spike said again.

"Can you ever love me back again, Spike?" Buffy asked with such sincerity and hope, it made Spike's undead heart skip an unnecessary beat.

"Easily. Because, you see, luv, I never stopped." Spike insisted, smiling at her.

Buffy's face beamed with joy at the realization that he meant it.

"I love you so much." Buffy declared.

"As I do you and you've just made me the happiest man on the face of the earth." Spike grinned recalling the spell-induced proposal he had expressed to her years ago. She smiled in recognition, glad it wasn't a delaration made artificially this time.

He hugged her tightly as her sobs ebbed and she took deep relief-filled breaths. He still loved her. What a wonder he was? He had loved her through everything.