by Chibi-red cminner@comcast.net

Spike was pacing, a deep scowl on his face, as he became more and more agitated. "Ah’…Ah’ don’t know why I can’t remember…Ah’..Need to know!"

Buffy sat quietly listening to his rampage. It had been going on for a while now. She watched how he moved. How his face showed every emotion he was feeling. Anger, frustration and helplessness all at the same time. She also noticed how his accent became more pronounced the more agitated he became. God, how she missed him.

"Spike, listen to me. You’ve been through a lot…we both have. Just give it some time," Buffy tried to reassure. "It will happen."

"Bollocks!" he snarled and continued pacing.

Buffy and Spike had talked for hours in Angel’s office after Lilah explained what had happen. Spike wanted to know everything about his life in Sunnydale and about his life with Buffy. She started to tell him about Dawn, Giles, Willow and Xander but the more she talked the more frustrated he had become. So, they had both agreed not to push too hard and let the memories return on their own. That was the plan but a certain blonde ex-vampire had other ideas.

There was a knock on the door. Buffy walked over and opened it. Standing there was a fuming and highly pissed off Dawn. Glancing over her shoulder to Spike, she closed the door just enough to stick her head out. "What are you doing here? You’re supposed to stay at the hotel," she whispered.

"YOU were ‘supposed’ to come back and get me," Dawn snapped as she stood there with her arms crossed over her chest. "Forget about me? Or were you too busy suck-facing Angel," she smirked.

"I was NOT….." pausing, she thought, not going to go there. Afraid Spike would hear them and come to investigate, she held up one finger and told Dawn to wait right there. She closed the door in her face, which made the younger sister huff and stomp her foot in frustration.

Buffy turned to Spike, who was still agitated and pacing, not even aware she had gone to the door.

"Spike?" she asked tentatively, "I need to step out for a minute…I’ll be right back…Okay?"

He stopped pacing and looked at her. His anger and frustration vanished in an instant. Here was a beautiful woman who had repeatedly said that she loved him and would wait for him and all he could do was rant and rave.

"Sure, pet," voice soft and caring. "Take your time. I’ll be right here." He smiled as she turned and left the room.

Buffy grabbed her sister and pulled her down the hallway.

"What are you doing?" asked Dawn, still irritated.

Without answering, Buffy continued down the hall until she found an empty office. Dragging her sister in, she closed the door, leaned against it and exhaled.

Dawn looked at her sister and asked sarcastically, "Geez…Crazy-much?"

Buffy looked at Dawn and sighed. Pinching the bridge of her nose she closed her eyes. How was she going to tell Dawnie about Spike? At one time her sister had idolized the vampire and he had cared for her. Then, he had attacked Buffy and left town. After that, Dawn had completely closed herself off to him. It had taken a long time; but after he had returned from getting his soul, Spike and Dawn has started to rebuild the fragile friendship and love that they had once shared.

Sensing Buffy was obviously distressed; Dawn’s anger disappeared and in its place was concern and a little fear. "What’s wrong, Buffy?" She asked softly.

Buffy slowly raised her head and looked at her with a faint smile on her lips. "I’ve got some great news. At least it could be great. I mean it ‘is’ great…." She sighed in frustration.

"Great is good," encouraging her, "Definitely better than ‘Its bad, really bad’, cause I’ve had quite enough of that."

"Sit down Dawn, we need to talk."

Dawn looked doubtful at her sister but sat in the chair anyway. "Mom used to say that when I was in trouble….I’m not in trouble am I?"

Buffy smiled, "No, you’re not in trouble." Nervously moistening her lips, she continued, "You remember when Spike died in the cave---"

Dawn interrupted, "Not something I’m going to forget, Buffy. What is it?"

"Well, he didn’t really die."

Dawn’s mouth fell open and her face turned white. Buffy told her all about what had happen, how he had returned and that now he was a human; sort of.

Dawn was quiet the whole time. Barely able to comprehend what she heard. Slowly a smile spread across her face and she jumped out of the chair and shrieked, "He’s alive! Spikes’ alive! Where is he? Can I see him?"

"Dawn…."

"Oh-my-God, I can’t believe it!" Dawn sat back down with a huge grin on her face. When she realized Buffy wasn’t smiling too, she asked, "What’s wrong? He’s not crazy-guy like he was before is he?" Then her face went pale, "He’s not….gonna try and hurt you again is he?"

"No and No…but there is something."

"What? Did he, like lose his soul or something, ‘cause you know he was good even without it and stuff."

"Dawn!" Trying to be patient she said, "He’s not crazy and he’s not…soul-missing. He’s…I mean he…doesn’t remember us….!"

"What do you mean, he doesn’t remember us? How can he not remember us?" Dawn looked ready to cry.

"I don’t know why he doesn’t remember you and the gang."

"But you ‘do’ know why he doesn’t remember you, right?"

"It’s complicated Dawn."

"It always is with you two." Standing up putting her hands on her hips; determined, she stated, "I want to see him!"

Looking at her sister, Buffy frowned," I don’t know if that is such a good idea right now."

"Why not?" whined Dawn.

Before they could get into an argument there was a knock on the door. Both girls turned as the door opened and Spike looked in.

"Don’t mean to intrude but is everything alright?"

He had been addressing Buffy but turned his attention to the thin young girl next to her. She sure was a cute little bird, with her wide hazel eyes and her long brown hair. Her eyes were just like Buffy’s but her skin was pale and drawn. He didn’t say anything for a moment, just tilted his head and frowned as if he was trying to place her.

Taking a guess, he asked, "Dawn?"

Dawn smiled from ear to ear then jumped up and ran into his startled arms, "I knew you would remember me! I just knew it!"

An equally startled Buffy sat there with unshed tears and a bittersweet smile on her face. Why did he remember Dawn and not her? She knew she shouldn’t be jealous but she couldn’t help it. Then she realized Spike had not said another word and was standing there uneasy and stiff in her sister’s embrace. Dawn realized it too.

She lifted her head and leaned back to look at him. "You do remember me, don’t you, Spike?"

Not wanting to hurt the young girls’ feelings, he smiled sadly and said, "I wish I could, Nibblet, but I just can’t."

Dawn slowly released him and took a step back. "But you look the same, I mean you do look different with the new hair and clothes but you’re the same Spike….aren’t you?"

Before he could answer, she interrupted, "Oh..Oh…You called me Nibblet!" At his look of confusion, she continued, "You used to call be that all the time. See you do remember."

"Dawn, just because he called you a pet name doesn’t mean he can remember you," reminded Buffy.

Dawn looked dejected and tears began to form as she lower her head and sat down. Spike looked at her and felt his beating heart break. He kneeled in front of her and gently took her hand in one of his, with the other he lifted her chin to look into her tear-filled eyes.

"Listen; Dawn, I don’t remember all the details but I do know that ‘you’ were important to me and that there’s something…." He tried hard to focus on the feelings he had. Suddenly his eyes opened wide and he smiled, "You used to come to my crypt and hang out and we broke into the Magic Box one time. Don’t remember why, but you were…..uh….hurt once and I tried to save you, I think."

Dawn and Spike held hands, both grinning from ear to ear. Spike stood up and began pacing. "I do remember you! It’s like flashes from a dream, hazy but there."

"Hazy is okay with me as long as it’s there," Dawn said then looked at Buffy, who was sitting very still with a forced smile on her lips. "Buffy, you okay?"

"Yeah, I’m fine. A world of fine. It’s great, I mean it."

Spike sensed that she really didn’t mean it and walked over and sat down beside her.

"It’s a start, luv. Everything has to start somewhere."

Before she could answer the intercom buzzed, "Miss Summers you have a phone call."

"Thank you; Maria, I’ll be right out." She wanted to let Spike and Dawn catch up and besides it still hurt that he didn’t remember her. Taking one last look, she left to answer the phone.

Buffy replaced the receiver just as Angel walked up. Seeing the pained look on her face, he asked, "Bad news?"

Snapping out of her daze, she looked at him and sighed.

"That was Giles, Xander and Willow are coming here. Should be here in a couple weeks. I told Giles about Spike.

"How is he taking it?"

"Better than me, right now," she said as she burst into tears.

Angel put his arm around her and led her into his office. He sat her on the sofa. "What has ‘prophesy boy’ done now?" he asked with a smirk.

"Nothing." She sniffed and tried to stop crying. "He’s with Dawn. They’re…." drawing a deep breath, "He remembers her. Isn’t it great?" She couldn’t hold the tears in any longer. Sobbing she turned to Angel and buried her face in his shirt.

Angel was at a loss for words. How do you comfort someone you love when they’re upset over someone else? You just do, he thought.

"Buffy, it’s good that he remembers Dawn."

She raised her tear-streaked face and said, "It is? I mean I know it is; it’s just…."

"How can he remember Dawn and not you?" he finished for her.

She didn’t answer except for barely nodding her head. He continued, "His memories could come back suddenly or in stages, like this."

"Or not at all," she sighed. No use in being all teary, she thought. Won’t solve anything. Determined, she stood and wiped the tears and mascara from under her eyes. "I guess I better go and see what those two are up to." With resolve she turned to leave.

"Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

"I’m here if you need me, you know that."

"Yeah, Angel, I know." She left the office and closed the door.

Chapter Two

Two weeks later:

"Bloody Hell, Buffy….that hurts!" Spike snapped.

Buffy rolled her eyes behind his back, "Don’t be such a baby." Seeing his dark scowl she amended, "I did tell you not to do it but ….No-o-o…..don’t listen to California girl."

"Ya never said it would be this painful," he complained. "You know I’ve had my share of lumps and bumps in the past, but this is the WORST!"

She surveyed his back and had to agree, it was pretty bad. The skin was already peeling and blisters continued to break out across his shoulders. It was a good thing he would be well in a day or two, thanks to his accelerated healing. It would be a shame to mar his beautiful skin. She smiled as she thought, William the Bloody with a ….Sunburn.

He was like a kid that day, lying in the sun, playing in the sand with Dawn and eating ice cream on the boardwalk. He had been too impatient to apply sunscreen. It was the first time in his life; of over 140 years, that he had been to the beach in the daytime. She had never seen him laugh and smile so much. She fell in love with him all over again. He still didn’t remember her but they were becoming closer each day. She could tell he wanted her but he never said he loved her. She definitely wanted him but wanted to wait till he remembered her. She had to know he could forgive her like she had forgiven him. She loved him so much, she just had to give him time to remember. Spreading more aloe on his back she said, "I hate to say I told you so," not really meaning it, "but I told you so."

"Humph!" He refused to respond. Nothing like a pouting ex-vampire she thought.

Then hesitantly, she said, "You know I’ve seen you hurt worst than this…..before."

He turned and looked at her with eyebrows raised in question, "Have you now? When?"

Carefully choosing her words she said, "Well for one, when Glory tortured you." She watched carefully for any sign of recognition.

They were sitting on the sofa in his new apartment. It had been two weeks since she had found out he was alive. She tried to give him ‘hints’ about their life before, hoping to jar his memory.

He sat there looking at her, trying hard to remember but ….nothing. Everything about her was a blank except the feeling that she was important to him. Sometimes he would wake in the middle of the night, sit straight up in bed and scream her name. Shaking, he would sit on the side of the bed, trying to get the dream or was it a nightmare, to become clear.

Seeing the confused and distressed look on his face she raised her hand and placed it gently on his cheek. "Never mind….don‘t try too hard, it’ll come when it’s ready."

She just hoped ‘she’ would be ready when he remembered how horribly she had treated him. At first it was because she hated him, followed by need mixed with pain. Then finally; hurt, after she had broke it off and he had tried to rape her. She didn’t want to love him back then, or at least she didn’t think it was the right kind of love. Not like now anyway.

The last few months before he ‘died’; after he had returned with a soul, they had begun to rely on each other and had become friends. Ha, she thought. She remembered what Spike had said about her and Angel:

‘You’ll never be friends. "You’ll be in love till it kills you. You’ll fight, and you’ll shag and you’ll hate each other till you quiver, but you’ll never be friends.

He had been wrong about that, because Angel had become a friend. Maybe it had worked out that way because Angel wasn’t the man she was meant to be with. He was sitting right here beside her, Spike. He had fought against his demon instincts and fell in love with her. How many times had he proven that love? Even before the soul. Could she ever make it up to him?

The phone rang, and Spike reluctantly reached over to the desk and answered, "Hello….No I haven’t forgotten….just a minute, she’s right here." He turned, grimacing at the movement and handed the phone to Buffy. "It’s Dawn, she wants to talk to you."

Buffy took the phone and answered, "Hello." She talked for a few minutes then replaced the phone on the receiver. Her face was pale and drawn.

"What is it, luv?"

Looking up at him she said, "Dawn said Willow and Xander are coming in early. They should be here tomorrow afternoon."

"Why the long face. They’re your friends, aren’t they?"

"Yeah, best friends. The bestest of friends. It’s just that I don’t know how they’ll react to you being here and human and all."

"You can’t do anything about that, luv. Anyway if anybody ought to be nervous it should be me. ‘Cause from what Dawn told me, I wasn’t exactly their ‘bestest’ friend, especially this Harris bloke."

She smiled, "It’s true you and Xander didn’t exactly….get all ‘bondy’, but you too had stopped fighting as much."

Spike just smirked and said nothing.

Buffy went to the airport by herself, leaving Dawn and Spike alone to hang out together. They had really come to love each other and she was glad that the two most important people in her life had grown close, but she couldn’t help but feel left out.

Buffy stood waiting at the terminal gate when she heard a loud voice yell. "Hey, Buffester, over her!"

She turned to see Xander and Willow exit the ramp. She really missed her friends and was glad to have them near, in spite of the nervousness she felt over their reaction to Spike.

Willow had let her hair grow long and had it pulled back in a plaited braid. She walked with more confidence than she had in a long time. She came rushing to Buffy and enveloped her in a huge hug.

Xander stood behind waiting for his chance to get a hug. "Hurry up, Will, Cyclops needs hugs too ya know."

Willow looked over her shoulder with a grimace as she released Buffy. "He’s been calling himself that all week, it’s so getting old."

Buffy turned to embrace Xander when she noticed he wasn’t wearing a patch. "Your patch is gone. Where’s the patch?"

Xander smiled, gave her a hug and said, "I wanted to surprise you. I had an artificial eye put in two weeks ago. Cool uh? I’m bionic-man now, but without the super powers."

"You look great. I like it." She helped with Willow’s shoulder bag and said, "So, let’s go, the guys are waiting."

"Ah, Buffy, speaking of guys… what’s with Captain Peroxide?" Xander asked.

"Well, first of all he’s not ‘peroxided’ any more, he’s gone all natural."

"An all-natural Spike. That’s gonna take some getting used to," smirked Xander.

"I bet he looks kinda good, ‘cause the whole Billy Idol look, was so dated. Not that him being 146 years old isn’t dated enough," Willow added.

"Well, 146 years as William then as a vampire but really only a couple months as ‘Spike the man’," Buffy explained.

"Yeah, ‘Spike the man’, how’s that working out?" Xander asked.

Buffy’s smile fell and she just shrugged her shoulders. Willow saw her friends’ distress and said, "Xander why don’t you go to baggage pickup and get our bags. Let me and Buffy have a little girl-type time."

He looked at both of them and nodded, "Sure, Will, take your time. I’ll go and ‘periscope’ out the babes." He leaned over and kissed Buffy on the cheek, smiled and walked off.

"Ugh! Those one-eyed jokes are really getting bad," Willow groaned.

"Were they ever any good?" asked Buffy.

Willow and Buffy stepped into the nearest bar and sat down. "So tell me Buffy, what’s up with Spike? He’s not all ‘Grrr’ anymore?"

Buffy smiled, "No…No ‘Grrr’, and no memory…of me…or you guys either."

"That’s gotta be rough. But, you said on the phone that he does remember Dawnie? That’s something, I mean partial memory means that there’s a memory there, right?"

Buffy shrugged, "I guess so, Will. It’s just so hard to be with him everyday and know how I feel, but…." She drew a deep breath and sighed, "I always knew Spike loved me even when I didn’t want to believe it. He never varied how he felt. I never thought that he could really love; you know because of the whole ‘evil, soulless’ thing, but he did. He proved it so many times and I treated him so bad. Then, when I figured it out and told him, it was too late. He didn’t believe me."

"Why do you think he didn’t believe you?"

"I think he thought that I was just saying it because he was going to die, that I didn’t really mean it."

"But you did."

"Yeah. But you know the worst part, what if he gets his memory back and remembers how I treated him and still doesn’t believe me. The Powers That Be took his memory of me away for a reason."

Willow sat quietly, not knowing what to say to her friend, when suddenly she said excitedly, "I could do a memory spell and give him back his memory."

Eyes widen Buffy said, "No Willow. Uh that’s okay. It would be better if it came back on its own."

Feeling disappointed, Willow said, "Okay, but I’m here it you need me."

They were interrupted by a loud noise as a loaded-down Xander dropped two suitcases. "You girls ready? I don’t know how much longer I can hold these."

Chapter Three

Buffy got them settled at the apartment she had rented.

"Dawn can sleep with me and Willow, you can have her room. Sorry Xander that leaves the couch for you."

"Hey, after months of dozens of teenage girls under foot, I’m just glad for just you three."

The door opened and an excited Dawn and a less excited Spike walked in. Dawn went to hug Willow and Xander while Spike stood self-consciously at the door. Buffy took his hand and made the introductions. For once Xander didn’t make any jokes. They spent the next few minutes making awkward small talk. Then Willow said, "I like the hair. Way better than before." Catching herself she added, "Not that white wasn’t a good color on you."

Spike laughed, "It wasn’t bad considering I couldn’t look in a mirror."

"I always wondered how you shaved?" asked Xander.

"Hey, you remember that time you kidnapped me and Xander…" Willow stopped herself and blushed. "Maybe not so much kidnap as…uh…asked for our help!" she added quickly with a nervous grin.

"Uh; Will, maybe Spike here needs to just let things flow without our help," encouraged Xander.

"I’ve tried to remember you blokes but…nothing. Dawn tells me we were all best friends and you really relied on my help," he said mischievously. He knew this wasn’t true but something made him want to tease the redhead. Willow grinned nervously then noticed the teasing grin and laughed as she punched him in the arm.

With the ice broken they all relaxed, then the girls decided to go shopping and later drop off Dawn to spend the evening with Fred. They agreed to get together later and go to a club. Spike even offered to come back by and pick up Xander.

The club was dark and noisy with the lighting bright enough to see but low enough to be cozy. The two couples sat at a table near the dance floor enjoying the band. When the song, ‘Sugar Water’ started playing Xander took Buffy’s hand and said, "I believe they’re playing our song. Come on and show me you still have the moves."

She laughed and followed him to the dance floor leaving Willow and Spike alone at the table. They watched the couple dance for a few minutes in silence, each not knowing what to say.

Finally Willow asked, "So, what’s it like not to know people that are all knowing of you?"

"Strange." He looked up as in thought and continued, "It’s like I’m reading a book that everyone else has read and they’re waiting for me to finish ‘cause they know the ending. I’m trying to read as fast as I can and I’m just not gettin’ it."

"Did Buffy tell you I do magic? I could do a memory spell and ….help you get to the ending faster," she offered.

He smiled, "No thanks, luv. I think I’ve had all the supernatural I can take for awhile."

Willow frowned in disappointment. "Nobody wants me to do magic. A few bad spells and cabluey, no confidence. Hello! Goddess now!"

He just smiled, not knowing what she was taking about when Xander and Buffy came back to the table.

"Nice moves, luv. Can I have a go?" Spike asked as he tilted his head suggestively.

She smiled and held out her hand. "See if you can keep up," she teased.

They stepped onto the dance floor and easily went into each other’s arms. The music was slow and seductive. Their movements were perfectly matched, as if they had danced together for years.

"You know you want to dance," he leaned down and whispered in her ear.

She pulled her head back to look in his translucent blue eyes. "What…did you say?" she asked softly.

He shook his head as if he was in a daze. "I meant, you like to dance. Right?" he corrected. Something able their dancing. What was it? It just wouldn’t come.

She let it go and laid her head on his chest. If he didn’t remember soon she was going to die with frustration.

The song ended and they returned to the table. They all had another drink then left the club.

They were walking back to the car when three slimy green Zornod demons appeared in the alley next to the parking lot. Willow and Xander hung back while Spike and Buffy assumed attack position.

"Thought I would get a break from slayage for awhile, but it looks like it found me."

"It’s ‘kay, pet. I got your back."

Just as she turned to smile at Spike the first demon charged. She dodged the attack and turned to prepare for the next attack when the second demon attacked from the side.

Spike was busy fighting the third demon when he noticed Buffy was being attacked from both sides. He let out a roar and quickly snapped the demons’ neck. In the mean time Buffy had knocked one demon out cold and had the second on the ground. She was sitting on him, hitting him repeatedly in the head.

Spike turned to help her when he froze. The sight of Buffy sitting on the demon swinging away brought flashes of memory. He stumbled to the ground as the flashes increased. Flashes of;

__Buffy dancing in the Bronze the first time he ever saw her

__Fighting her in the school hallway

__Hating her

__Wanting her

__Falling in love with her

__Her revulsion

__Devastation when she died

__The miracle when she came back

__Amazement and love when the house fell down

__Hurt and pain by her rejection

__The balcony at the Bronze

__Buffy ending the affair

__Attack in the bathroom

__Getting his soul

__His insanity

__The First and the cave

__Holding and watching her sleep

__Buffy kissing Angel

__Buffy saying "I love you"

The memories flashed in seconds. Spike’s face showed everything; hurt, pain, regret. Tears filled his eyes. It was too much to bear. He staggered to his feet, took one last look at Buffy, turned and ran down the alley.

Willow and Xander stood frozen, unsure what had happen and what to do.

Buffy finished with the last demon and looked up to smile at Spike when she noticed that he was gone.

"Where did Spike go?"

"He just went all statuey’ then ran off," said Xander.

"Buffy…the look on his face…" added Willow gently.

"Oh God!" She dropped to her knees, face drawn in pain. "He remembered and he….left." She broke down in sobs.

Her friends knelt beside her and tried to comfort her. After a few minutes the sobs slowed. She raised her tear-streaked face and looked at her friends, "We’ve got to find him! I’ve got to explain!"

"I can do a locator spell," Willow offered.

"We’ll find him, Buff," Xander reassured.

The bar was dark and smoky. Xander squinted his eyes and searched the crowd. Willow’s locator spell had showed that the ex-vampire was here, somewhere. He finally spotted Spike in a corner nursing a drink. He didn’t look like he wanted company. Xander took a deep breath and headed toward the booth.

"So, any whiskey left?"

"Piss-off, Harris!"

"Aha, so you remember." Xander shrugged and sat down across from Spike, who scowled at him but said nothing. Xander waited a few minutes in silence, not knowing what to say. Just because Spike wasn’t a vampire anymore didn’t mean he couldn’t be dangerous; if crossed.

"Uh, Spike, ‘ya kinda ran off in a hurry. Just wondering…"

Spikes looked up and glared with his steel-cold blue eyes.

"Okay…not so much with the wondering, but….if you want to talk…"

Spike sighed, his face filled with pain, "I remember….everything." He took a gulp of whiskey then continued, "I remember the hate, the fighting, the shagging, how ‘I’ felt, but most of all I remember the hurt." He hung his head and didn’t continue.

Xander waited a minute then remarked, "Ya know I never liked you."

Spike looked up and cocked his eyebrows.

"It was the whole undead, evil vampire thing."

Spike smirked.

"But the one thing you were, was loyal," he continued.

"How’s that?"

"Well, you did stay with psycho-bitch for 100 years. You stayed with Buffy even when she didn’t love you; even when she died, you stayed."

"Humph, lot of good it ‘done me."

"You know I never wanted you and Buffy together, especially after what you did."

Spike’s face fell. There it was, the guilt and pain.

Xander continued, "But; I gotta tell ya, I don’t think I could go through what you did. What you had to do to get your soul and the whole world saving. Hard to top that."

"I did it for her," he whispered.

Xander quietly said, "She never meant to hurt you, Spike."

He raised his head and frowned, "You think I’m upset because Buffy hurt me?"

"Well, yeah. Aren’t you?"

Exasperated Spike said, "Harris, I was evil! Just because I loved…." he paused. "She didn’t want to love me, she fought it and I just kept pushing…trying to bring her to my level. And I did, for awhile, but it wasn’t right….for her. I just didn’t get that till after the soul."

He motioned to the waitress for another round. Xander sat there speechless.

"I hurt her Harris, I tried to make her love me when she couldn’t….she can’t."

"But, she does love you. She might not have wanted to but she’s been in love with you for a long time."

"Are you off your nut? She just said that ‘cause I was going to die."

"And now? Why does she say she loves you now?"

"Don’t know. Feels sorry for me is all, I guess," Spike said deflated.

"Spike, I know her. She wouldn’t say it if she didn’t mean it."

Spike looked hopeful.

"Go on….go to her," Xander encouraged.

He hesitated for a second then grabbed his coat and ran out the door.

"Oh great; leave me with the check," groaned Xander.

Chapter four

Spike found Buffy waiting at his apartment. She was sitting on the couch, feet curled under her, nervously biting her lip. She looked so small and frightened. He could tell she had been crying and it broke his heart. He closed the door and slowly walked over and sat down, leaving space between them. He leaned forward and clasped his hands together.

How could he explain what he was feeling? How long he had loved her and wanted her. How much he regretted what he had done to her.

"I’m sorry," he said softly.

Trying hard not to start crying again, she said, "Not your fault. I’m the one that should be sorry."

He tilted his head and looked at her, "Why’s that?"

"Spike, the ‘Powers That Be’ wouldn’t have erased your memory of me if I hadn’t caused you so much pain."

"Is that what you think?

She just nodded as tears ran down her face. He turned to her and placed his hands on hers, gently rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.

"Buffy. They didn’t take ‘you’ from me because of what you did. They took my ‘guilt’ away of what I did ‘to’ you." Unable to stay seated with so much emotion bottled up, he stood and started pacing. Buffy sat very still, afraid to move or say anything.

He stopped pacing and faced her. He placed his hand on his chest, "It was me…that hurt you. I hurt you and I could barely live with that. When I came back after I got my soul, after I got over being bug-shagging crazy, I knew you deserved more. I should never have come back but I did ‘cause I couldn’t stay away."

"Spike, I couldn’t have lived without you. I needed you in my life."

"What you needed was a man. A ‘human’ man!"

Buffy felt that she was on the edge of a cliff, any wrong move and she would fall. She got to her feet and walked to stand in front of Spike. He stood very still; his newly beating heart was pounding in his chest. She placed a hand on his cheek and looked into his crystal blue eyes. She loved him so much. No one had ever loved her as much as he had. She had to find a way to convince him.

"You are all the man I need, all I want."

"I want to believe you," he whispered.

"When I told you; in that cave, that I loved you, I meant it with all my heart and all my soul. I felt it for a long time, I was just too scared to tell you.’

"What were you afraid of, luv?" he said as he slowly, tentatively placed his arm around her waist, drawing her near.

She leaned into him and said, "You loved me so completely, that I was afraid I couldn’t love you that much. I was so caught up in the whole ‘slayer’ thing and you being…a vampire, even with a soul, that I didn’t let you in, but you kept pushing and always being there for me that I couldn’t help falling in love with you."

"Wore ya down, didn’t I"

She smiled, "That’s me, all worn out."

"I seem to recall you being worn out several times before," he leered. He became serious again, as he looked into her hazel eyes filled with unshed tears. She was so beautiful. He slowly, tenderly touched his lips to hers. She returned the kiss as she wrapped her arms around his neck. This is right. This is where I belong, she thought.

She pulled away and laughed, "You kiss different." At his puzzled _expression she explained, "They’re warm; your lips are all warm. They used to be cool."

He threw back his head and laughed as he picked her up and swung her around. Laughing they fell on the couch.

"Spike?"

"Ya luv," he mumbled as he nuzzled her neck.

"There’s something I don’t get."

"What’s that?"

"If the ‘Powers That Be’ erased me from your memory because of the guilt over what you did to me, then why do you remember all the years of killing?"

He stopped nuzzling and raised his head, "Wanta’ run that around the bend again, pet."

"I mean guilt is guilt, right?"

"Yeah, I suppose. What ya gettin’ at?"

"Well, you remember the years of killing but you didn’t feel any guilt."

"Right."

"Do you have guilt now…over your past….about the killing?"

He sat up straight and frowned, "No, it’s still the same as it was when I first came back. Why?"

"Then why didn’t you remember me and just not have the guilt?"

He thought for a minute then said, "I suppose it’s because I love you. I couldn’t remember you and not remember everything about you. The ‘Powers That Be’, who ever they are, knew that I couldn’t have just part of you." He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to put into words what he was feeling. "Buffy, we have a past; good, bad, whatever. It’s that past that makes us who we are. Who we are together."

Buffy grinned from ear to ear. "I like the together part."

Spike leaned in, looked into her eyes and grinned, "Tell me you love me."

Buffy, remembering the words said, "I always love you. You know I do."

"Tell me you want me."

She tilted her head and leered, "I always want you, as a matter of fact."

"Shut Up," he said as he pulled her down on the couch and kissed her with all the passion ‘humanly’ possible.

END