Dead Inside

By Christina

I am dead inside. I try to remember the Buffy I used to be, but the memories are fleeting. There's a lot I don't care about now. I don't care that my skin is pale and ghost-like. I don't care that Dawn needs me and gets that look on her face whenever I leave her. I don't care that Willow, Xander and Anya are tiptoeing around me as if I'm fragile and can be easily broken. All I care about is how fast I can get to Spike's crypt so no one catches me going to him. Spike understands, only Spike can save me. I don't know why I feel this way about him, but I do. I don't love him and the guilt is tearing me up inside. I am using him. Taking advantage. I'm take-advantage girl now. That's me. I am the Slayer, yet I have never felt so vulnerable and weak at the same time. I'm supposed to be the the 'Chosen One', but I didn't choose to be torn out of Heaven. I fulfilled my obligations to my destiny, signed out, called it quits. So, why was I here again? Why was the weight and the pressure so heavy on my shoulders that some days I felt as if I would crumble beneath it all?

There is more. Spike can hit me now. I don't know how and I don't know why, but his chip thinks I'm a demon. *I'm not a demon*! I told Spike. *I don't know why you can hit me*! Of course those words were said the night that--well, that night. I remember it as if it were yesterday. We were on familiar ground, Spike and I, fighting and bantering as the two of us often did. Then suddenly, we were in the abandoned house, I pushed Spike against the wall and kissed him. The house began to crumble around us and then I was against the wall. Spike lifted me so my legs were encircled around his hips and then I reached down for his zipper, he unzipped my skirt and in one thrust had sheathed himself inside of me. I broke the kiss and stared down at Spike in wide-eyed wonder as he began to thrust faster. All I could do stare into his eyes as we made lo--fucked, or whatever you want to call what we did. Then suddenly, the floor was falling from beneath us and we stumbled crashing through it, Spike still inside of me as we hit the floor of the lower level. It meant nothing, the connection wasn't broken, we were still joined. I shudder now at the memory, because I let him do those things to me. I let him. I came back wrong.

I asked Tara to check and make sure that I was fine. We sat down and talked about it. She looked at me with her kind, innocent eyes and told me that I was all right. There was nothing wrong with me. But I didn't believe her. I shook my head as the tears filled my eyes and I sobbed out my secret. Tara stared at me in bewilderment as I begged her not to tell anyone. She asked me if I loved Spike. I couldn't answer her. All I could do was cry and wonder when it was I had become this thing. I don't feel like a human anymore. I feel like a nothing. A nothing that Spike can hit and abuse any time he likes. I let him, though. Why did I let him?

I still feel dead inside. It has been a week since I told Spike that I couldn't see him anymore, that I was using him and that I was sorry. *I am so sorry, William*. I close my eyes and I still long to be with him. He still follows me around like a little lost puppy, just begging for attention. I don't want to be glad when he is there, and I hide it well. Why do I still feel like I need him? Why does the smell of cigarette smoke immediately make me wish he was here? I found one of his lighters today and hid it in a secret place that no one would think to look. I miss him. My body is cold and I can only think of Spike. What is wrong with me?