Goodbye

He paused outside the crypt, hesitating before going in. So many memories, so many things left undone. He pitched his cigarette on the ground and straightened his shoulders. “Welcome to home sweet home, mate” he said to himself as he headed toward the stone mausoleum.

The sound of old wood creaking on stone echoed in the hollow confines of the crypt. A single candle was burning on the window ledge, casting an eerie glow over the contents of the sparse room.

A few things had been changed since the last time he had been there. A new rug was on the floor. The comfy chair had been moved to the corner rather than in the middle of the room in front of the television. That was new as well, one of those flat screen jobs, color too. ‘Old sag skin doing al’right for himself’ thought Spike as he surveyed his old home.

He threw his jacket on the chair and started toward the stairs that lead to the vault down below when he heard a loud thump followed by a string of watered down curses. Spike smiled in spite of himself. Clem was always dropping or breaking something. He said it was something about extra skin being slippery. He waited till he saw Clems’ wrinkly head appear in the opening as he came up the stairs.

“Hello, Clem” he replied slowly.

Startled, Clem lost his grip on the ladder and nearly fell back down had Spike not reached in and grabbed his arm. Clem regained his footing and finished climbing till he was on the ground level. He reached in and gave Spike a big hug while laughing, “Great to see you, buddy. Been a while.”

Spike awkwardly, patted his friend on the back and stepped away. Clem sensed his unease but was used to the blonde vampire’s reserved attitude.

“When did’ga get back?”

“Just now. Thought I would come by and pick up a few things. Left in such a rush, didn’t pack.”

There was something different about Spike. Clem couldn’t quite put his finger on it. It could be the healing cuts and bruises that covered part of his face and hands. He was still trying to figure it out when Spike looked straight at him for the first time. There it was that gleam that only another demon could see. His soul.

Clem sat down heavily in the chair as he ran his hand over his wrinkled bald head, “Where did you get that?” At Spike’s raised eyebrow he continued, “I mean it looks good on you. Kinda’ gives you a glow.” Clem smiled at his old friend who didn’t smile back.

Spike shook his head slightly and looked away. “I took a’little trip. Saw a demon ‘bout a girl and got a prize.” Nervous he pulled a cigarette out of its pack and lite it. As he let a slow stream of smoke out, he started pacing. “Took awhile to ‘suss out what happen. Didn’t think I meant to get the…spark, but somewhere deep inside I guess that’s what I wanted. Something that would make me what…she would want.” He laughed bitterly, “Didn’t even know what I wanted when I asked for it. Now all I can do is burn over the things I’ve done, to others, to….her.”

Clem sat listening to his friend. He had heard him ramble on like this for hours especially about the slayer, usually he was drunk though. When Spike paused to take another drag on the cigarette, Clem asked, “Speaking of her, have you seen her since you got back.”

Spike stopped pacing and said, “No. And I’m not going to either! Just gonna’ pack my things and be on my way.”

“You’re not going to see Buffy? Why?” Clem couldn’t believe he wasn’t going to see the one person he cared about more than anything.

“Just can’t is all. No point in it. She doesn’t want to ever see me again and I….can’t see her.”

Clem knew when to stop pushing and now was a good time. He could always tell when Spike had enough sharing and changed the subject. “Hey, while you pack I’ll run out and get something for us to eat. How’s chicken wings and beer sound?”

Distracted by his own thoughts he barely paid attention to what Clem was saying, “Sure, wings is fine.”

Clem turned to leave when he was stopped by Spikes question. “Is she al’right?” It was asked in barely a whisper.

He turned and walked back to him. “Yea, she’s fine. Comes by here ever so often to check if you’re back.” At Spike’s surprised _expression he continued, “Of coarse that’s not what she says but I know that’s why.”

Spike didn’t reply so he turned and headed out the door.

So Buffy comes by to check on him. He didn’t expect that. He thought she would hate him, after what he had done. He smirked to himself, “Probably comes round to stake me for good.”

Lost in his thoughts he didn’t hear the knocking till it was accompanied by her voice, “Clem! You home?”

‘Bollocks’, didn’t want to see her. Spike stepped into the shadows, hidden from view as Buffy slowly opened the crypt door and stuck her head in.

“Hello! Anybody home?” When there was no response she let herself in and walked into what was supposed to be the living room. So many memories here. Every time she came here she was flooded with them, yet still she came. She had to keep checking if he was back.

She walked over to the chair and sat down, moving the brown jacket aside. As she started to lay it down she frowned. This didn’t look like it would fit Clem, too small. Cautiously, she raised the coat to her nose and smelled. It smelled of him, a mixture of tobacco and his own scent that was uniquely his. Stunned she clinched it to her chest and signed. Now she was even imagining his smell, how weird was that. A single tear released itself from her eyes as she sat hugging the coat as if it was Spike himself.

Spike watched from his hiding place and wondered what to do. He wanted desperately to go to her and hold her, but his new found guilt and conscience stopped him. He almost lost the inner struggle and started to come out when she threw the jacket down and ran out.

Stepping out into the room he reached down and picked up his jacket. It was for the best that he just gets his things and leave. He would only hurt her again; not physically he was sure, but mentally and emotionally. As he turned to go downstairs the crypt door flew open. Thinking it was Clem; he turned back around and said, “That didn’t take…..” Standing in front of him was a shocked Buffy.

She stood there, speechless. He was back. She couldn’t believe he was back. She had come back to take the jacket because it had smelled so much like him. When she finally found her voice she simply said, “Spike?”

God, she looked beautiful standing in the dim candlelight, blonde hair falling down her shoulders. Her hazel eyes mirrored his own uncertainty, so he simply replied, “Buffy.”

Neither knew what to say, as their emotions battled within. Trying to sound nonchalant, Buffy asked, “When did you get back?”

“Just a ‘while ago. How ya been?”

She walked over and sat on the stone vault before her legs gave away. Spike watched her as she sat there studying her hands. When she didn’t answer his question, he asked again, “Buffy, you al’right?”

She knew she had to answer him but finding coherent words were impossible right now. He was back. Like she had done over the last few months she wondered where he had been. Thinking of all the times she worried and cried over his absence she became angry. Better to feel anger than this …hurt. Turning glaring hazel eyes toward him she said sarcastically, “What do you care? You just up and leave without so much as a goodbye!”

Shocked, Spike’s mouth fell open and he stammered, “I..I left because of what I….did…to you.” He had expected anger but not because he hadn’t said goodbye.

“I know that you idiot. What you did was wrong, very wrong, but we could have talked it out. But, ‘NO” you had to tuck your tail and run. Never took you for a coward, ‘William’!”

He had been keeping his distance from her, not trusting himself to be too near her, but he forgot this as his own anger grew. He slowly walked toward her as he growled, “Ah coward is it? You have no idea what it took for me to come back here. To see you again, and I wouldn’t if you hadn’t come here!”

The meaning of his words sunk in and her anger was replaced by disbelief. “You weren’t going to even see me?”

Spike’s anger evaporated as well as he realized what she was asking. He turned and walked away as he said, “Just thought it would be better…for both of us if I just got my things and took off.”

She reached for his arm and turned him around to face her. “You’re leaving, again?” For the first time she saw the cuts and bruises on his face and chest where his shirt parted. “What happen to you?” she asked softly.

He watched the play of emotions on her face. How could he tell her that things were so much clearer now? Having a soul made him realize for the first time that loving her wasn’t enough. He knew what he was and that he would never be what she needed.

He reached his hand to smooth a strand of hair from her face, but stopped himself and let his hand drop to his side. He smiled sadly, “Just had a’little’ scrape with a demon.” He didn’t want to go in to that so he said softly, “It’s for the best, luv. We just aren’t good to each other.” When she started to interrupt he placed a finger on her lips and said, “Shhh. You know I’m right. I tried to made you love me, thought I could…force you to. But, the thing is, either you do or you don’t. You couldn’t love me and I couldn’t live with that. So, we’re better off, not together.”

Buffy didn’t know what to do. She knew that what he said was partially true, but damn it she should have a say in this decision too. Trying to sound in control, she walked over to the chair and dropped down and said, “You’re right. You did try to force me to love you, and that was wrong.” She watched as he hung his head and take an unneeded sigh, so she continued. “But, parts of us were good. You are the only person I could ever really talk to. The only person I trusted enough to fight by my side and care for Dawn.” She stood and walked over to stand by him. She softly said, “You were the only person I ‘ever’ let get that close.” When he raised his startled blue eyes she said, “Because I thought you would never leave.” A single tear fell as she said, “Everyone I ever cared about left me, but I thought you would always be there.”

He slowly raised his shaking hand and brushed the tear from her cheek; a little surprised she let him touch her. “Pet, if I thought I could give you what you needed, heaven or hell couldn’t make me leave, but the true is I can’t.” He cupped her face a moment longer and smiled sadly then turned and walked out the door.

Buffy stood there in shock. He just left her, again. She wanted to run after him but her legs crumbled instead and she sank to the floor, too shocked to even cry.

That is how Clem found her when he got back with the snacks and beer. He saw the tiny slayer sitting on the cold stone floor and quickly went to her. Her hands were ice cold as he helped her to the chair. He had never seen her like this before, staring into space with a blank look on her face. He found a blanket and wrapped it around her shoulders and said, “Buffy? Are you alright?”

She slowly raised her tear filled eyes to him and he could see more pain and hurt than he had even see on her face. Even more than the time they had got drunk while he was teaching her kitten poker and she had told him how she had felt about her relationship with his friend.

“I guess you saw Spike then.” When she didn’t answer, not knowing what else to do, he turned to put the food and beer in the refrigerator as he continued, “I gotta’ tell ya, that is one crazy vampire. Goes all the way to Africa to get his soul for you then doesn’t even stick around to use it.”

Her eyes flash to him, “What..what did you say?”

Clem turned his head and blushed, “Guess he didn’t tell you about that.” He was always sticking his foot in his mouth.

“Clem.” She said as she slowly walked over to the wrinkled demon, “Tell me everything!”

He was a little afraid of the tiny girl, after all she was the slayer of demons even though they were friends, he didn’t want to test her patience. “I don’t know much; just that he fought a demon and got his soul in reward.”

As the meaning began to sink in she turned and stormed out the room. Clem called to her, “Where you going?”

“To find a certain soul-filled vampire!”

The End