She Should Have Told Me
Summary: The only cure is the death of the one she loves. Spike POV *character death* even I cried, and I wrote it. And I never cry, so that’s saying something. Setting: AU season 6, I guess. I set it around Christmas, cause I can.
Disclaimer - If I owned them, I wouldn't have to resort to writing fanficiton.
Distribution - Want it? Lemme know where you're putting it.

A/N - italics indicate a flashback. Also, it's kinda like a journal entry. sorry bout the angst. check out http://buffyfix.cjb.net and adopt a spiffy character to cheer you (and me, now!) up.

*****

She was dying.

It was simple, really. The woman I loved more than my entire unlife was walking the fine line between life and death for the third time.

And this time, there was nothing the Scoobies could do.

Harris couldn’t help with the CPR. Red couldn’t help with her magic. The Nibblet, Rupert, Anya, Glinda... none of them could do a bloody thing.

But I could.

See, Buffy was infected by a demon. The Watcher found out the cure of course, but it wasn’t anything expected.

***
“Buffy, it’s the only way.” Giles said patiently, pain for her choice reflecting in his eyes.

A tear rolled down the Slayer’s cheek. “There has to be something else.”

“Buffy, listen to me... no. Listen.” He gently turned her face towards him so that she was looking into his eyes.

“The only cure is for you to kill the one you love. Not family love. But true love. There is nothing else.”
****

The two of them never told us. They never even said she was sick. They went about, pretending everything was alright. Rupert moved back here, into Buffy’s basement, claiming he missed everyone.

I didn’t believe him, but went along with it.

Buffy and I had an affair going on right under the Scoobies noses. She never told them about us, I don’t think.

Our rough nights together became softer, gentler. Cold lust gave way to tender passion. I noticed the change. She did too. But I never commented. Never said anything. I was too afraid of what would happen if I did. She was notorious for leaving in a rush when kisses gave way to talking.

Which is why that one night surprised me.

****
She rested her head on his chest, spent. Her time was almost up, she knew. Within days she would be dead.

She wrapped her arm tighter around him and shivered. A few short weeks ago, she would have welcomed death.

But not now. Not when she finally had what she always wanted.

A single tear fell on his chest. But he noticed before she could wipe it away.

“Buffy? Luv? What’s wrong?” Spike asked, sitting up and pulling her into him.

She shivered again and he pulled a sheet around her.

“Buffy, talk to me, pet. Please.”

In that instant, she made up her mind.

She smiled softly and tilted her face up to him, shaking her head. “Nothing’s wrong.”

Spike raised his eyebrow. “Then why...”

The small woman in his arms gently pressed a finger to his lips and took a deep breath. “I’m in love with you.”

Shock replaced concern in his icy blue eyes and he sat in silence for a moment. When he finally shook himself out of his stupor, he couldn’t come up with the proper words to respond.

So instead, he kissed her.
*****

She knew she was dying. I know now that’s why she told me.

When you’re faced with death, the fear of having a broken heart is replaced by the fear of not being able to give that heart away.

And she wanted to give it away. To have a few, precious, perfect days before death took her for the final time.

I was so blissfully happy, I didn’t really realize her sadness. I didn’t know.

****
“Spike?” Buffy asked, breaking the comfortable silence.

“Yeah, pet?” the Vampire answered, nibbling lightly on her ear.

They were curled in his chair, Buffy on Spike’s lap, as they watched an old movie on Spike’s even older television. Even though she had only admitted to being in love with him the day before, they were already well into acting like a couple.

She started giggling, and playfully swatted at his nose. He grinned an pulled away.

“Sorry, luv. Please continue.”

“Will you always protect Dawn?”

The serious question took him off guard, and for a brief moment, all he could do was look at her.

“Always.”

He answered so seriously, saying with his eyes that it was the one thing in the world Buffy could count on. Relief flooded through her, and she felt the need to lighten the mood.

“So even when I get old and gray, and she’s old and gray, you’ll still look after her?”

“Of course.” Spike smiled, kissing the tip of Buffy’s nose.

She raised an eyebrow. “You promise?”

Her eyes were pleading with him to make the promise and keep it.

So he promised. Because he would do it.
****

Now I know why she was asking. Because she knew she wouldn’t be there to do it.

But she lied to me. She said when. When she got old and gray.

She hid the truth from everyone.

The same day I promised to protect Dawn, I went to the Magic Box. She was spending a night with her pals, and I promised to patrol with her. She thanked me and told me to stop by when I got finished, and I agreed.

But I stopped by the Magic Box first.

I didn’t have reason to, really. Just wanted to look up a demon I had fought. Bugger got away.

I had expected to spend a long time reading. But I didn’t have to. I found the demon in the first book I looked in, on the first page.

It was dog-eared and highlighted.

The book itself was on a shelf, slightly apart from the rest. I don’t know why I chose it first, but I did.

After I read the passage, I knew.

To confirm my suspicions, I broke into the case Rupert keeps his diaries in.

I would have given anything to be wrong. But I wasn’t.

Everything fit together. The tenderness, her soft declarations of love, her spending more time with her sister and chums.

She knew she was dying.

My first reaction was to get angry. Go to her house and demand what she was doing.

Because I was ready to take my own life to save hers.

****
Spike reread the passage, his chest constricting as he did so. Though he didn’t need air, he was gulping for it.

“The only cure for the poison is the death of the infected’s true love. Life taken, life given, only by one who truly wishes it.”
****

I had to force myself to calm down, because yelling wouldn’t help anything.

I pulled the stake out of my pocket and studied it.

But I couldn’t do it. Not yet. Not without seeing her one more time. Without telling her how sorry I was I couldn’t keep the promise. Without saying goodbye. So I ran. I ran with all my strength back to her house.

But I was too late.

I walked into the living room and everyone looked up at me, tears streaming down every cheek. I was too late.

My love, my life, my soul... she lay on the couch as if she was only sleeping.

I slowly walked to her. My boots sounded heavy and thundering on the wooden floors. I tuned out the cries of her friends as I bent down and laid a kiss on her forehead. She was cold - the shell of the woman I loved more than my entire unlife.

I would have followed her. I still had the stake in my hand, and had she not made me promise to care for the Nibblet, I would have followed her into my second death.

But I promised.

I know why she never told me. Because she knew I would have done it. I would have staked myself so that she could have a few extra years added to her Slayer-shortened lifetime. It's the same reason she never told her friends about us. One of them would have happily gotten rid of me.

Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered. Maybe she would have died days later at the hand of some new demon.

Maybe.

But God, she should have told me.

*****
END
*****

Review please? this is my first POV story, and my first fully angst story (yeah, all my others are fluff. go read one, hint hint), so any help you can give would be fabulous. :)